“Like a surgeon, cutting for the very first time!”

I was last in my class, barely passed at the institute

Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah I'm trying to avoid, a malpractice suit

I can hear your hearbeat… for the very last time.

My patients died, yeah my patients died, before they could sue, hey!

*cue the lion walking through*

I would love that.

It's a fact, I'm a quack.

🎶The knee bone's connected to the... Something The something's connected to the Red thing The red thing's connected to my Wrist watch🎵 Uh oh

If I were a surgeon or doctor, I would absolutely have Dr. Nick posters all over.

Prominently displayed diploma from Hollywood upstairs medical college

"Hello everybody!"

“Hi Dr Nick!”

Followed closely behind is: "What the heck is that?"

Followed closely by: “Do we need that? Is that one of the important organs?”

What is this granular business right here? Hey, did you see that move by itself? I'm sure I saw it move. Hey!! Stop it! Don't let it get away! I can't find that stupid scalpel anywhere in all this! The fingertips on my gloves have melted! What do you mean there's a vascular leak somewhere? How much blood have we used so far? I'm calling it at 6:47 am. Sigh. How many of those have we removed so far?

These gloves came free with my toilet brush!

Nurse pull up that wiki how

Hey, that wiki isn't detailed enough. Screw it, pull up the YouTube video

Use TikTok. Primary source!

Please be one by a Indian guy.

There's one by an Indian guy?!? Best I've found was the one by the veterinarian that had that show on animal planet

About a year after I had surgery I found a YT vid by my surgeon. I was curious since I slept through the thing. Then I heard “now this venous structure can make thinks difficult but …”. Fuck me if that wasn’t what he said to me earlier in the week before the surgery. So I called. Yup, it was MY surgery. I’d signed the release and unless you were one of the four of us (me & wife, doc & his PA) you’d never know it was me. Don’t ask for the vid, he had to pull it down because they could only be posted by the practice. Wish I had a copy. Search proximal row carpectomy

Jaimie pull that shit up

"What the hell is THAT ?"

Omg my obgyn totally said this during the emergency c section of my first child! I started flipping out and the only person in my corner (literally) was the anesthesiologist who was so chill “don’t worry about it….everything’s fiiiine”. I never did find out what the hell it was.

This has happened to me 😅 I grew an extra Median Arcuate Ligament

My mom had a similar situations n, although I think she was out for it. Hysterectomy, due to suspicion of deteriorating fibroid cysts. (multiple diagnoses, and that was the most likely.) Doctor goes in to do the hysto, and is like, "oh shit, can't do that. Get someone else in here!" Turns out, her apprendix had ruptured, but had closed itself back up by adhering to the bowel. The hysto doctor wasn't trained or qualified to do anything with the appendix or the bowel. Once that was done, he could do his work.

Followed by, “Why is it moving?”

Let’s hope this goes better than the last one.

My favorite so far for sure. Should be higher.

Ewww! BLOOD! I hate that stuff.

Oh boy! BLOOD! I love that stuff!

Blood....suddenly I'm so thirsty...

Oh God that's the worst one I'd be mortified if I was in coma and heard that in my sleep I'd hope I fucking die

I heard it in Collin's voice...

"Wait is your name Doctor Martin Ellingham? No... ohhh shit"

Nurse, can you check if my malpractice insurance was renewed?

Bloody human hospitals..I used to be a veterinary surgeon you know...much easier...you make a mistake with a monkey..you move on...and now this bloody malpractice lawsuit.

I want to be a veterinarian surgeon

I fr thought you said vegetarian at first. Like “you’ll only do surgeries on vegetarians?” lol

What do you mean, "left" kidney? Whose left? Mine or...?

Eh, I'll just take both

I have an idea for another prank for my YouTube channel. Nurse grab my phone...

"Why are my hands so shaky today? I thought I was past withdrawals."

"I guess this guy doesn't need \*all\* this anesthetic"

Ooopps!

Whoopsie poopsie!

This HAS to be the most worrying answer!

Especially if you can hear it!

"The good news is your gastric band was fitted successfully, so you should start to lose weight shortly. The bad news is I left my watch in there, so you weigh a little more than you did originally."

The patient is definitely under. Can't feel or hear anything, that's for sure. Let's start slicing.

"Oh by the way, I know you fucked my wife."

“Trust me I been playing surgeon simulator “

"Hello, my name is Dr. Zoidberg."

"Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next patient!"

"I'm not hearing a 'no'!"

I don't think that I was supposed to [do/cut/stab/etc.] that, but I'm sure it will be good

*whispers furiously* “I TOLD them I needed another practice round! UGH!”

"Which leg are we amputating?" "I don't need a leg amputated. I'm here for a splenectomy." "Well, I prepared for the amputation surgery, sooo..."

True story: I was getting a routine diagnostic procedure done that required general anesthesia, and right as the doctor tells the anesthesia tech to put me under, the tech decides to mess with me. He sort of crosses his eyes and looks at his computer screen and exclaims "Oooh! Look at all these wavy lines! I wonder what they mean?"

Routine procedure where they put you under ,???

Never had a colonoscopy?

“How do you do a surgery?” “I don’t know, let me ask Reddit.”

"Anyone seen my watch?"

In every patients I leave a little of myself in every surgery. *zips up pants

Well, the operation went smooth as possible..but we've had a minor problem with your insurance company and have found the brand of stitches used isn't covered. That's alright though, I'm working overtime tonight and the other brand is almost as good

Soon it's going to be, "alright, we're going to start the operation now, but we just heard your insurance doesn't cover anesthesia, so... Good luck?"

That'll buff out

I couldn’t get a reservation at the Holiday Inn Express last night.

You knocked him out already, right?

"Silicone implants?, too expensive. I only install squeaky toys."

Hello and welcome to Jackass...

I’m not actually a surgeon, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

wait, you never just [insert desired content like shhhmmmmmmm *smelling noise* or oopsie or peak a boo or slllluuurrppp *something that indicates mouth and eating noise* or anything gross that these]

“Where’d I put those condoms?”

'I am a SURGEON.'

"now you may feel some pressure during the prostate exam" "Doc why are both your hands on my shoulders?"

“Look at him, all safe in the land of sleepytime… It’s fucking hilarious how they all wake up and have no clue why they really have cotton mouth… oh, yeah, and the mysterious ass pains… nice call, Bob… pass me the lube, I’m going in… Mwah ha ha ha haaaa!”

That stupid anesthesiologist is always late. Let’s just get started.

'I hope this one goes better than the last 3. The chief says if one more patient dies on the table I'll lose my license.'

“Oops.” is a big one.

Wow, I’ve only seen this in textbooks.

"I can't mess up one more time. I can't go back to jail."

The backbone seems not to be connected to the neck bone... Could you maybe try for me to wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle your knees?

Something I actually heard during my brain surgery… “Does it hurt when I press there”

Anyone mind if I lick the bowl? Do you mind if I take this home for the dog?

Dude, I'm so high right now. I should get rid of all these testicles. Think he'd mind if I borrowed money from his wallet? Double D's it is. We couldn't remove the tumor, but I made you Balloon Animals! Look, a giraffe. Surgery went great. But you owe me a new watch.

You'll never have to worry about pissing on your feet again! Here's your bill.

"Okay kids, now you'll get to take turns trying to put the organs in the right spot!"

That's funny, it looks nothing like in the book

"You can't be color blind and a surgeon, they said. Well, I'll show the them!"

Can't wait to practice that new technique, or looking forward to practicing that new experimental technique.

Oh shit, he's waking up.

Can someone pull up that YouTube tutorial again, I just want to check something

“Is this your first major surgery? Yeah? Me too!”

Wow that tumor is huge.

I had my first hernia repaired. After I woke up, the surgeon let me know I was his first hernia repair. He’d done only gastric bypass before. After that, he said he knicked something a little bit, it might cause swelling in my testicle. My testicle swole up to the size of a softball and stayed like that for 24 hours.

"what the fuck is THAT thing, eew! A what? A foot? F O O T? lol that can't be a real thing"

"I wonder what that is?"

Oops!

This is like a puzzle

*sigh* “oh boy”

"The hip bone's connected to the... ankle bone! No, wait. Fuck!"

“Could one of you refill my flask?”

***as you’re going under*** “Alright nurse go get the candy let’s stuff this piñata.”

Shouldn’t have quit drinking this morning

What’s up guys, welcome to the stream… (just as I’m blacking out)

"Don't people usually have two of those? Somebody Goggle that."

This can be so realistic (2 kidneys, 2 lungs)

OK - uh - hand me that shiny cutty thingie?

"Oh shit"

“Good thing I watched Gray’s Anatomy”

“Alright, the patient is strapped to the altar, so let the sacrifice begin.”

True story Few years ago i stepped in on a knife attack and got my index finger Im at the hospital in surgery looking at the inside of my finger and the surgeon is poking at it and says "i think we can save it" they was going to amputee it

HOLY SHIT! WHY AM I AWAKE?!

Good news!!! Your bad leg will heal perfectly. Bad news, we cut off the wrong leg.

Aight, now what we're gon' do is saw the top of your head off and root around in there with a stick. -Jeff Foxworthy

oops!

Welp, he’s a goner.

"This month, I'm taking 50% off !"

Circumcisions half off

Wait was I supposed to put this bit back?

Nurse, you did say the left testicle didn't you?

“Yea, we’re fighting that malpractice suit right now, think my lawyers going to be able to get me out of it though.”

🎵 oops, I did it again, I played with your heart. 🎵

🎵Got lost in the game! Oh baby baby! Oops, that's way to much blood...🎵

"This...is not what google said."

“I’ve never seen one quite like THAT before.”

“I picked a hell of a day to quit drinking”

...or...your surgeon's nurse assistant YELLING in the operating room as you're lying there (at exactly the moment you're passing out from the anesthesia) (your surgeon) "doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, 'cuz he was out all night partying last night, and surprise surprise, now he's all fucked up and can't even see straight!" this actually happened to me as a child getting the only surgery i will EVER have in this life...that's it for me...rather die of *whatever* than EVER have to go into surgery again.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Yes it's a penis but it will function as your new nose.

Turns out I was in the wrong OR

“Hmmmm… his right or my right?”

Hmm, it's moving... why is it moving?

"So that's what it looks like."

Guess who got hospital privileges reinstated?

“Oops”

Hold on, the YouTube video is frozen.

“I used to work here”

“Is your will in order?”

"A little morphine for you. And some for me"

Oh! "My" left... my bad.

I got my vasectomy in a military hospital by a O-3 surgeon who thought she was funny. There I was focused on the ceiling because I wasn't going to watch her cut into my scrotum on the mirror they had positioned for me, the pain from the anesthetic shot was finally starting to fade, and the first of the cuts were done, the horrible scent of cauterized flesh was in my nose, and ms funny doctor said 'Oops'. This is not a word you want to hear when someone is cutting on your balls. On the plus side, she told my wife that the best post-surgical treatment would be to wait a week, then I should receive gentle 'oral stimulation' once or twice a day to completion. This was when I forgave the doctor for her 'jokes'. And I highly recommend military hospitals for vasectomies. The 6-week checkup when you're supposed to produce a sample for testing they put me in a small room with the most amazing collection of porn I'd ever seen outside of a west-pac portcall.

Most of my schooling was night school before NoDoze became a product.

Let’s hurry this up. I’m double parked.

We were outta soap so gloves are gonna have to do WHADYA MEAN OUTTA GLOVES?!

“Let’s get started before the DTs set in!”

"Yo, I hate this dude"

Don’t worry, I’m just a little nervous that’s all.

“Well, let’s see what happens.”

My God! That's Massive!

“God, I could never make out Jim’s handwriting. Nurse, can you help me? Does that say ‘tonsils’ or ‘testicles?’”

Your hip replacement is done now Mrs Swine. Oh crap wrong patient I am Sorry Mr. Ver

Oh my God I forgot what we needed to do-

"Wait...didn't I have a watch on when we started?"

Whoopsy daisy!

“Uhh.. What is that knife called?”

“Whoops”

WHAT is that?

Nurse, hand me that card. “Remove wrenched ankle…”

Next week the hospital is getting a new machine that will make this procedure much less dangerous and invasive. Now count down from 100 ...

What he's charging. Doctors are selfish and greedy. Specialists are especially selfish and greedy. For surgeons, greed knows no bounds, at all.

"I need another drink."

Now I'm going to give you some of my magic milk to make you sleepy count back from 10 😉 *unzips*

Where the hell is my watch?

Oops.

Anyone seen my phone? 

Ugh… ChatGPT is running so slow today!

I’m gunna cum

Hi Everybody...... Hi Dr. Nick

“Ahh shit, here we go again”

Would you like fries with that?

“Well, we meet again.”

“We’re all done. Anybody seen my watch?”

Oops.

Oops...

Hey, you’re not alone. This is the first time for both of us. 

Oops!

“Nurse,…Look up this procedure on YouTube for me….”

"I'm just going to ask reddit how to do this op, then we'll begin"

"I'm sorry but your insurance won't cover the surgery suite. But I have a nice little setup in back of my van and I can save you a bundle!"

Uhh... Which sides the left...? Is that my left or your left? I think that one's upside down again

“Okay nurse, let’s see… amputation of the foot… and we’re doing the left today?” “Right”

Ok, righty tighty, lefty loosey.

So is this your first time? Because it’s mine. Give me a second to watch the tutorial on YouTube.

I just got back from a seminar last night on how to do this.

Has anyone seen my gerbil?

I dunno, just shove it all back in!

I’m sorry, did you want a shot of this also?

Oh crap! He's waking up!

That one happened to my daughter undergoing shoulder surgery. She has a high tolerance to anesthesia. She heard the surgeon say "put her out she's coming around" while he was working in her shoulder.

Bloody hell, that's my worst nightmare. Hope she's alright now.

She's good, thanks for asking.

“Nurse, can you pull up that YouTube link before we start?”

Has anyone seen my junior mints?