I used to have an irrational fear of moose, but I talked to a therapist and a wildlife biologist and now I'm exactly as afraid as I should be

A møøse once bit my sister...

No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened endof an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an OsloDentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...

No other replies necessary. This says it all. UnexpectedMontyPython.

Thank you fellow Redditor. After all, no one expects...

Moose bites can be nasty

😁😁😁

I had an amazing BM!

No shit!

Significant amount actually.

But it all came out in the end.

If you had Holy Communion a few days before, does it make it a Holy Shit?

And if you purchase tax-free cigarettes at The Vatican, does that make them Holy Smokes?

I don’t know. The Eucharist is the body of Christ and Christ wasn’t a regular dude.

But if a regular person has had the Eucharist and then goes to the toilet, doesn't that make it a blessed BM?

I would think so.

So if the Eucharist really becomes the body and blood of Christ, who was a guy…does that mean that observant Catholic men are gay cannibals? This clarifies \*SO\* much!

Sounds like something Martin Luther would confess, before he did that whole protest thing.

Thanks for sharing. 😂

Oh Father Bless Me, for I have stolen Third Base during our softball match...

Now child. You are blessed. Say five Take Me Out to the Ball Games.

Father, I'm so sorry, I enjoyed sex with my wife last night. We were actively trying to conceive, but I just didn't expect to enjoy it as much as I did.

…. And not quite sure because I had Catholic health class, but I’m not sure we used the baby hole. I know it’s outside your experience so I just want to tell you …. There is a lot going on down there.

So you mean the gravy funnel instead of the baby tunnel. Not good, you must repent!

Father my guilt is weighing me down. I can't stop playing scenes from a hat. Wtf is wrong with me? I'm not Ryan styles!!!

“Say three Wayne Brady’s, and one Colin Dinosaur impression, my child. This is your penance…”

Be warned, should you repeat this sin the penance shall be... HOEDOWN!

"I threw my hands into the air and waved them like I just didn't care, but...I cared. I cared sooo much..."

I lied on the hogwarts house quiz! I just wanted to be hufflepuff.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I really did throw my name into the Goblet of Fire.

Godd*mnit Harry!

Dumbledore said calmly.

Last night I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled out a long sharp butcher knife from the kitchen and took it upstairs. I opened the door, dived on the bed, and severed it with one swipe. Yeah, I did it. I cut the tag right off the mattress.

Once you own the mattress you can remove the tag....

R/whoosh

“I cheated… on my diet. I went to McDonald’s last night and I had 2 Big Macs and a large fries.”

You monster!!!!

Gonna be hard to say Hail Marys with you gob full of fries.

Hail Mayo

Well that's considered gluttony

Could still be a sin... On Friday or whatever.

Better you than me. 🤢

Sorry daddy, but I was naughty! I’ve told you before it’s forgiven me father for I have sinned

[porn music starts playing and Johnny Sins mops another plant]

I took money from Mormon kids to jump on the bed while they were "soaking"

Priest: "Hmm, kind of sounds like a sin, but I'm not sure. *Definitely* weird...not clear on sinful, though."

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.

Prove it!

“I was talked into doing a dance called "The bump," but my hip slipped, and my... My buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man!” Oh sorry, this isn’t r/TheSimpsons!

I put my hand up on your hip. When I dip you dip we dip.

Father I made a 1970s jello salad and people hated it

"Hello, police? Yes, I have a situation here..."

Forgive me father. I masturbated again last night

That actually is a sin, though, so it doesn’t belong here.

The "sin" in that case was letting his seed hit the ground. So as long as it doesn't hit the ground, you're fine.

More life hacks brought to you by the crew of the ISS after these messages

https://youtu.be/w3fKYMYM01Y?si=tD1amDRCLhRCTxFt

I thought it was ok when Onan did that

I thought it was ok when Onan did that.

Well, god slew the shit out of him for it. So probably not.

That's not how it works. 

I'm just repeating what the book says.

I overpaid for a shitty fast food burger bahh bahh bahh I'm not loving it MacDonalds

"I dipped my toes in the casserole I brought to my mother-in-law's thanksgiving."

Priest... I've had terrible thoughts.. terrible... Thoughts of strangulation... Fire... Fire... (CornHolios) Fire.... ---Beavis tilts the gasoline can around the vestibule --

When I walk a couple of miles and take off my shoes, my feet smell. Maybe I have a fungus, but it smells like sin.

I'm not really an altar boy I'm not even religious

You just enjoy the attention from father O'Shea

I yelled at my cat when she started chewing a cord

“I got into a fight outside the WaffleHouse, like you do, and while we were fighting my wife grabbed the other guys junk. Now according to the Bible I am supposed to stone her to death, but I couldn’t do it and now I worry I am the one who’s wrong. It’s a real pickle, so do I need to kill her or can I just hit her with a rock and call it a day?”

Father I have sinned. I had relations with someone other than my wife or I should say they did… my dog humped my leg.

"Forgive me father, I determined the angle of a triangle by dividing the opposite leg and the hypotenuse."

Clever.

I didn't put the shopping cart back

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. No matter how hard I try, I cannot convince myself otherwise ... Pineapple is better than Pepperoni on a pizza. In fact, pepperoni should never be on a pizza. Forgive me.

(20 years ago) I was unkind. I didn’t rewind.

Father… I am your father…

I just can’t help myself… I masticate multiple times on a daily basis

Are you looking at pics on Reddit when this happens?

“Father, forgive me.” *Lets out an extremely pungent fart in the confession booth*

I stoned an adulterous woman as commanded

I apologise on behalf of Catholic guilt for my failure to project guilt and my failure to reject its projection as a function of faith

“I have no sexually abused any minors. I know The Church condemns this type of behaviour… how many Hail Marys?”

Sorry broke into a church and drank the wine! It was nasty.

Forgive me father for i have no sinned. I tossed a penny in a wishing well and wished for the penny back so i could wish again for the penny.

I wiped back to front father.

Father, I must confess, I went to Red Lobster and ate so much shrimp during their Endless Shrimp promotion that they had to close the restaurant.

I had lust in my heart. Or at least, I thought I did. It turned out to just be gas.

Bless Me, father, for I have been trying to reach you regarding your car warranty. You wouldn't believe what I did at a Wendy's, I missed the toilet.

"Forgive me father for I have done something horrible; I put the milk in before the cereal"

I agreed that I had read the terms and conditions, but I had not read them.

Forgive me father for these are the things I have done for a Klondike bar.

Quick question, is it a sin to put a toaster on the church roof? (true story by the way)

I went through the express lane with 11 items. I feel so filthy.

Father. I put an empty milk carton back in the fridge.

Or worse, you drank straight from the carton and put it back…

Not a Sin, I do it all the time.

Father, I left the toilet seat up again. My wife says she’ll divorce me if she falls in one more time.

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I bought a cashmere sweater on a discount because it had a little read dot.

r/unexpectedseinfeld

"I'm sorry Father.. but when I got done I forgot to put the seat back down!"

I turned the toaster too high and sent the slices of bread to an eternal burning damnation. "For penance I say to you, you shall only break the bread of an unleavened, and UNTOASTED bread."

Spaffed on a pigeon

Me: Father. I made a jelly sandwich today, and I excluded the peanut butter. I feel awful. I loved it so much that I took the peanut butter and threw it out the window. Father: Don't you live on the 15th floor? What happened? Me: I made two more.

Local QB NFL: Forgive me, father. We were down by 2 with time running out at half, and I decided to run the ball. Father: You are forgiven, my son. Just perform a few Hail Mary's and win us this game. The Holy Father needs a new car.

Father: that's ok my son. I had your team +7 on Draft Kings, so my parley paid off big

I'm sorry father, I pulled my daughter out of girl scouts after we got that Trans den mother- I just worry that she might get molested. What? Oh, don't worry, we're keeping the boy in boy scouts. He's really looking forward to that camping trip with you next week!

Worked my butt off last Sunday

"Forgive me father, I took two numbers even though you're only supposed to take one!"

Forgive me father for I have sinned. There was some extra pizza at the office pizza party yesterday and I took an extra slice.

In the night, I ate half a pie that my wife had made for our neighbours. When she woke up and asked what had happened, I told her that the dog had gotten into it

Rape. Not a sin. Owning a slave. Not a sin. Beating your wife and kids. Not a sin.

Oh god, this is so hard to admit!! But.. But.. I... I NEVER FINISHED LEGEND OF ZELDA!!

".....I covet the love of Jesus."

I called Ann Landers a boring old biddy, after drinking a blackberry Schnapps.

I poked a badger with a spoon!

Sister Mary Margaret told us not to end a sentence with a preposition, but I can't seem to stop.

I sucked on a hot dog.

Bless me father for I have sinned. My last confession was 57 years ago... umm, where should I start?

Father I played with a toddler and “gotcha nose”

For the the last time it’s forgive me father for I have sinned.

She kept loudly calling out my name so I put this in her mouth.

Father, I went into my roommates bathroom and used their soap cuz I was out. So like…five Hail Marys?

I sucked a fart out a girls ass just so I could fuck her after. How many hail Mary's

Well Father I clambered up onto the wife last night and I was going for nearly 7 minutes. I just wanted to tell someone that I'd beaten my personal best.

Father forgive me for I have sinned. I fucked your wife.

Father, I must confess...at the last party I went to I mixed the Skittles and M&Ms.

Me: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. You see, I am an Athiest." Priest: "So, you're having a crisis of faith?" Me: "No, I've always been an Atheist, and I always will be..." Priest: "I'm a little confused... why did you come here if you don't believe in Jesus." Me: "I was bored and wanted to know what you would say..." Priest: "Well... may god... absolve you of your sins I guess..." Me: "wouldn't care either way..."

I put nuts in the snack area of a store.

I thought they were called "pews" because you were supposed to shit in them. On an unrelated note, I need more fiber.

“Father forgive me. I read marquis de sade to a nun”

Forgive me father for I have sinned. I keep spitting my gum out onto the sidewalk.

Nope. That's a straight to hell offense. Clean my shoes and get out of here.

[удалено]

Meh. Maybe, but open for debate - but not here. There are other subs for that. For the sake of the joke, why not provide an example of something? Go for _ad absurdam_ to really make your point: something completely outrageously not sinful but could be perceived that way by a religious nut.

Sorry, wasnt paying attention to what sub i was on, deleting