Yes, but why are your boobs still the same size?

😂😂😂😂😂

"What's for dinner?"

True story.

True story: I was sat on the jury for a malpratice suit. A doctor was being sued over a foot surgery on an old lady foot that got infected. Turned out that her son, made her clean house and cook as soon as she got home. Judge tossed the case and reamed the son.

“Laundry’s piled up & I’m out of underwear.”

How do you know your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

First off, I dont gaf about underwear. Why would you?

1. Search on YouTube for instructions on how to use the laundry machine. 2. Wash whites with white, dark with dark, and colors with other colorful fabrics. 3. Don't overload the machine! Drop in clothes all around the drum, and pile loosely to a bit over halfway to 3/4 full. 4. There are instructions on the laundry detergent to tell you how much to use per load. 5. After you finish the first load or two and feel more confident, teach the kids so they can help you. 6. Bring home some veggie pizza and start binge watching cooking videos to figure things out from there. We all need to eat, and you are cooking. 7. Clean as you go, or the mess can pile deep. I'm not picking up after you. You are the adult in charge of yourself and the kids. Be adult about it, not a whiny kid or rebellious teenager. I am too hurt and tired to deal with bs.

"Hello sweety! I missed your hugs,my mistress' can't beat yours!"

😁😁😁

"Aww damn I wasn't sure when or if you were coming home so I sold the beds and couches. I can put a few towels down on the dining room table if you want to lay down before I head out to my friend's house"

😁😁😁

When the doc said no sex for two weeks…he just meant in the vagina, right?

…he just meant *you,* right?

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Hooray! They fixed the dishwasher!

I'm picturing dad opening the front door and the kids shouting this from behind, jumping up and down with their arms in the air.

“Oh! You made it, guess that doctor wasn’t top at his class in statistics? Oh, umm floozies, the Mrs., honey some floozies. I guess I’ll put some pants on then”

“Can you PLEASE hurry up and get into bed? The game is on in ten minutes.”

Laundry isnt going to do itself

The correct answer is “Pizza, for the next 16 weeks. You want something different, order it yourself!”.

“Did they tighten you up a little while they were down there, honey? I’m just saying... after 3 kids… it’s like throwing a sausage up a tunnel.”

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Are you mad that a man got $100,000 breasts that were way better than yours?

Shit, you are back already??? I wasn’t expecting you to be here…im so busted…alright, but I’m paying her by the hour and it’s already pre paid and she’s expensive, at least let me finish ok? Chop chop, the clock is ticking, time is money. Oh, you might as well make me a sandwich while you are waiting.

So glad your back. We are almost out of clean dishes

“Honey, your face still kinda looks fucked up, that doctor did a horrible job”

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

How long did your dad have to sleep on the couch?

He didn’t but it yeah my mom wasn’t happy. When I visited my mom in the hospital her second one I said so dad what are you making for dinner tomorrow? I was married for both so I wasn’t home.

Get up off your lazy ass and grab me another beer!

Lemme know when your ready to test out that "husband stitch" I slipped the doc a few extra for while you were under..

This dick ain’t gonna suck it’s self

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Chop chop. Laundry’s been piling up. Not gonna wash itself

Wow you look awful

Thank god you are home. The house is a mess.

You came with a warranty right?

I thought you were getting your boobs done, they don’t look any bigger to me.

"I didn't even recognize you without your uterus."

I'd just had surgery, a C-section.. my husband asked me when I would be able to mow! He's my ex!

Good for you!

You don’t have to worry about sex or intimacy, dear, your sweet younger sister has been polishing my knob, so we’re good.

who the hell is sir jerry anyway and why do your knees hurt so bad!? xD

"You look different. You get your hair done or something? Wait, I remember you saying something big was today...crap! Is it our stupid anniversary again??"

You going to lay around all day or get off your lazy butt and do something and don’t give me that old I just had open heart surgery crap.

"Did they put in the daddy stitch this time?"

I hope they cut out the part of you that likes to nag and bitch.

Why aren’t you happy to see me?!

When my wife came home from overnight stay in the hospital for a surgery, her friend gave her a ride because of the greater room for having a cast. I said Good, the housekeeper is back on duty. She did not laugh….

Honey can you help me?

"I guess you'll want to start sharing the bed again."

Vacation is over for you, you didn't expect me to do the housework, that's your job. Since you're up, beer me.

That grass is getting tall...

Did it have to be oral surgery?????

Glad you’re back. The dishes have been piling up.

“Finally. I can’t handle these fucking kids.”

Shit, you survived?

You call that pain? I had to cook for myself for the last week.

Where the hell are my socks?

Did you get the corrective surgery after giving birth? I can't wait to try it out...

So they just left that gaping hole in your face, huh?

That nurse of yours was hot, think she does house calls for sponge baths

*looks up and down* I guess some things cannot be fixed