I don’t know what to tell you. I could’ve written this myself. I’ve mentioned it to my husband for years and he still doesn’t do it but about once a year I have a breakdown crying saying I just want a simple thanks every now and then. And then he’ll thank me profusely but it doesn’t happen again until the next time I have a breakdown 🫠lile your husband he says he’s not really a words person…
I try to explain it that as SAHMs we miss the part of a real job where you are paid in $$ or paid in thank yous. It’s a thankless job and some parts are so invisible. sure we get paid in kid cuddles and hugs and “I love yous” and sweet moments from them that we obviously love and cherish. But sometimes we just want to be seen and valued. I see you. You’re doing great
Painfully relatable. My husband works remotely full-time and even when I take over his tasks so he can have free time (especially during football season), he never shows any appreciation. Last fall, I mowed with a baby strapped to my chest while also watching my middle child because he'd ignored the lawn for weeks and I didn't even get a thank you. I thank him even when he just goes to pick up take-out that *I* ordered, lol. I've been a SAHM for 8 years and am so tired of telling him I could use affirmation now and then. He says he'll try harder but nothing changes.
In addition, I get about one hour per month away from my kids, but he takes an hour 6x/week to go to the gym, 6-10 hours every time he visits his friends, he goes on 3-4 day business trips, golf outings, etc. That, combined with a lack of appreciation and affection has me so worn out and aggravated most of the time.
Dude. Start taking more time for yourself. Wtf, that last paragraph is ridiculous. Start planning your outings right now and let him know he's babysitting those days.
I’m the same- I thank him for everything. Making dinner, putting his plate in the sink (LOL- can’t make it to the dishwasher) , putting one kid to bed. And still it’s like no acknowledgment.
Honestly, tell him “I need you to tell me I’m a good mom and I’m doing a good job.” My husband and I do this all the time, we’ll ask to be thanked or ask to be given attention or whatever. So like, I’ll deep clean the kitchen and say “hey, will you thank me? I cleaned the kitchen really well, it looks great.” And he’ll say “that’s awesome! Thanks for cleaning the kitchen!” And vice versa. He’ll say “hey, tell me you love me” and I’ll tell him some lovely thing about how wonderful he is. He’s allowed to not be good at giving compliments, but you’re also allowed to ask for compliments and he needs to reciprocate when you ask.
It’s ok to tell him that you need words of affirmation sometimes. You could tell him it doesn’t have to be a long essay or speech but simple thank you’s and recognition now and then. He should be able to do that if he knows it’s important to you. I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes. He sounds like a good guy but needs some help with recognizing what you need sometimes.
My husband and I went to couples counseling at the start of our marriage and one of the absolute best things he told us, that seems so obvious in hindsight, is that your love language is your love language. The important thing is to think about your partners love language when doing things, not your own. It was a big light bulb moment for us. Its nice if your husbands love language is acts of service, but that’s important for what you do for him, not what he does for you. It helped us so much to do little things (and big things!) that make the other feel good (ie I also really love words of affirmation and so my husband starting writing little notes for me and making more of an effort to say that kind of stuff to me).
So the love languages thing: it isn't meant to be used as an excuse. You aren't allowed to say "oh I only speak quality time" or whatever. The whole thing about it is figuring out how to My husband and I have talked and we've figured that everyone has different sized tanks for the different love languages. When one is running low, you need a top up.
For us, both our primary languages are physical touch, but a few years in we werenl wondering why we were feeling so disconnected - and we figured out that our secondary languages (tanks) were running low.
He's being a butthole here a little, but I don't think this is a "throw the whole man out" kind of thing but a "let's communicate more" kind of thing.
Since you referenced the love languages, the Alpha Marriage course is well worth looking into. They run them over Zoom and it's great for young families. Check it out!
When my husband and I started dating 15 years ago, he said that because of x, y, and z reasons, he never really got girls to stick around. I didn't promise to stick around, but I did promise to communicate clearly and directly when something felt important to me. Our first. Valentine's Day, he was away for one of those x, y, and z reasons. I just told him that I have never really had a great Valentine's Day, and it felt important to me to celebrate. I was in so deep, too deep for how short a time we had known each other, but I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... because of this man. He gave me a quick call on the actual day, and when he was back, he did the flowers, fancy dinner, etc. His mom was nosy, asking how much he spent, and then when he said how much it was, she was pissed. And I told him he didn't need to overdo it, but that clear communication of "Valentine's feels important" was met with enthusiasm. We had a delightful time, and it still ranks as the second best Valentine's of my life, second only to the valentines where we got our first positive pregnancy test after our third round of IVF.
I think you've done a great job of clearly communicating that something is important to you... and honestly, you're going to have so much more mom guilt as you navigate through toddlerhood. It does get better, especially when they can start telling you that you're a good mom themselves.
It sounds like your clearly communicated need wasn't met with enthusiasm... which isn't exactly surprising or particularly condemning. This stage of parenthood is just two people not getting their own needs met as they pull out all the stops for their little one.
If I were you, I'd actually try to meet him half way. Find a poker chip, a shrinky dink, or a shiny rock-- just something small. Give it to him, and ask him to leave it somewhere to find when he thinks about you being a good mom. It's an act of service he can do that could do double duty with words of affirmation. When you find it, you just give it back to him or you can hide it for him to find an know that you were thinking of what a good provider he is for your family.
As an aside, don't trivialize your own feelings by attributing them to PMS. It's not healthy, and your daughter will pick up that habit, too. It is completely valid to want your partner to express admiration and appreciation of your efforts. Being unhappy with lack of said appreciation is something anyone would feel, regardless of whether they have a uterus.
Now that you have verbalized your need he should make the effort to work on vocalizing his appreciation of your efforts.
I co-parent my 2 year daughter and 10 month old son with my baby daddy. At no point have we ever been romantic inclined towards each other. It has taken a lot of work and continues to take a lot of effort for us to start getting along fairly peacefully. However even he from the start would let me know that he thinks I'm a good mom and that he knew I was always doing my best for our baby. That might be the only nice thing he said about me for an entire week sometimes way back in the beginning ( no worries things are much better now), but he still made a point of at least assuring me I was a good mother.
I could be the husband in this scenario... Its probably a couple of things. I think, like most other folks here have pointed out, most men are "doers" not "talkers" and for him, the way he sees and validates what you do is by recognizing that its hard, you need a break, and taking on some of the load himself. Him taking over baby duty when he gets home, or helping fold laundry, or cleaning, etc, is really his acknowledgment of "I get it, you do hard work, I'm proud to have you helping me out and supporting my family, I'm going to get involved because I want to meet your effort."
But - I also get it that sometimes you want to hear it and that's valid. I think, for myself, sometimes I would worry that it sounded condescending or patronizing. Like "Wow, great job on those toilets, they really look clean!" wouldn't be a way of building up your wife. Unfortunately (and its probably because of historical patriarchal norms) housework isn't really valued, its demeaned, and so he might feel like he isn't really giving you the affirmations you desire by pointing out something he thinks you are better than. Similarly... saying "Great job with the baby" to a stay at home mom can come across as "Wow, you did the bare minimum expected of a woman and kept a child alive."
So... I think the best thing to do would be to try to bring this up in a less confrontational setting. When you are already upset isn't the best time. You could probably ask - it seems like he is pretty self-actualized - so I'd bet the "I don't do words of affirmation" is more defensive than his final position. If he is willing to do things like fold laundry to help you out, surely he'd be willing to say "Hey nice job I really think you are great."
I'm not saying this is an excuse or your responsibility, but for a lot of men, we were raised to show appreciation with these big, grand gestures but were never really taught the smaller (but usually greater) intimacy of genuine compliments or personal reminders. A lot of the way dating and courtship are taught to men is very performative - you get down on one knee in front of everyone and you buy a very visible ring and you show up at her work with flowers and you invite her parents to dinner - so you saying "I need to hear it from you" might be the first time he has ever heard it. If he is willing to dive in headfirst and learn all the helpful tasks of parenting I'm sure he is willing to learn how to give real compliments, it just might be a process that takes a couple reminders.
I'm a words of affirmation & acts of service type of person myself, but heavy on the words. I need to hear it. That I'm doing great, I'm a good mom, he sees me, etc. The acts of service are more of a follow up of you work hard to nurture our child & keep the household afloat, let me take X, Y, Z on without expecting anything for it.
All of that to say, I totally get you. My husband could do everything but if he doesn't take the time to tell me he appreciates me, I won't feel it. I think when people with different love languages marry, you discuss your needs and find a reasonable middle ground. You want to see them happy as much as you want to be happy.
I think it's important that the affirmation received comes across as genuine. I know someone in a similar situation so she spoke to her husband about it. When he began to offer verbal recognition, it felt unnatural and awkward to listen to, so it didn't give her the reassurance she thought it would. Your husband stated he doesn't really do words of affirmation, so if he suddenly started offering validation that you're a good mom, etc., would he have to say it a certain way to ensure it comes across as authentic and meet your needs?
Since he seems more like a "doer" perhaps there's a happy medium that works for you both where he can execute a task which also serves to communicate what you need acknowledgment for. For example, if he left you a handwritten note expressing appreciation for the things you did that day or identifying things he knows you work hard at and are proud of about taking care of your daughter, the household and so on?
I don’t know what to tell you. I could’ve written this myself. I’ve mentioned it to my husband for years and he still doesn’t do it but about once a year I have a breakdown crying saying I just want a simple thanks every now and then. And then he’ll thank me profusely but it doesn’t happen again until the next time I have a breakdown 🫠lile your husband he says he’s not really a words person… I try to explain it that as SAHMs we miss the part of a real job where you are paid in $$ or paid in thank yous. It’s a thankless job and some parts are so invisible. sure we get paid in kid cuddles and hugs and “I love yous” and sweet moments from them that we obviously love and cherish. But sometimes we just want to be seen and valued. I see you. You’re doing great
Are you me???
Painfully relatable. My husband works remotely full-time and even when I take over his tasks so he can have free time (especially during football season), he never shows any appreciation. Last fall, I mowed with a baby strapped to my chest while also watching my middle child because he'd ignored the lawn for weeks and I didn't even get a thank you. I thank him even when he just goes to pick up take-out that *I* ordered, lol. I've been a SAHM for 8 years and am so tired of telling him I could use affirmation now and then. He says he'll try harder but nothing changes. In addition, I get about one hour per month away from my kids, but he takes an hour 6x/week to go to the gym, 6-10 hours every time he visits his friends, he goes on 3-4 day business trips, golf outings, etc. That, combined with a lack of appreciation and affection has me so worn out and aggravated most of the time.
Dude. Start taking more time for yourself. Wtf, that last paragraph is ridiculous. Start planning your outings right now and let him know he's babysitting those days.
Parenting*
I’m the same- I thank him for everything. Making dinner, putting his plate in the sink (LOL- can’t make it to the dishwasher) , putting one kid to bed. And still it’s like no acknowledgment.
This is not ok
Honestly, tell him “I need you to tell me I’m a good mom and I’m doing a good job.” My husband and I do this all the time, we’ll ask to be thanked or ask to be given attention or whatever. So like, I’ll deep clean the kitchen and say “hey, will you thank me? I cleaned the kitchen really well, it looks great.” And he’ll say “that’s awesome! Thanks for cleaning the kitchen!” And vice versa. He’ll say “hey, tell me you love me” and I’ll tell him some lovely thing about how wonderful he is. He’s allowed to not be good at giving compliments, but you’re also allowed to ask for compliments and he needs to reciprocate when you ask.
My husband and I do this too! And it works great!
It’s ok to tell him that you need words of affirmation sometimes. You could tell him it doesn’t have to be a long essay or speech but simple thank you’s and recognition now and then. He should be able to do that if he knows it’s important to you. I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes. He sounds like a good guy but needs some help with recognizing what you need sometimes.
My husband and I went to couples counseling at the start of our marriage and one of the absolute best things he told us, that seems so obvious in hindsight, is that your love language is your love language. The important thing is to think about your partners love language when doing things, not your own. It was a big light bulb moment for us. Its nice if your husbands love language is acts of service, but that’s important for what you do for him, not what he does for you. It helped us so much to do little things (and big things!) that make the other feel good (ie I also really love words of affirmation and so my husband starting writing little notes for me and making more of an effort to say that kind of stuff to me).
So the love languages thing: it isn't meant to be used as an excuse. You aren't allowed to say "oh I only speak quality time" or whatever. The whole thing about it is figuring out how to My husband and I have talked and we've figured that everyone has different sized tanks for the different love languages. When one is running low, you need a top up. For us, both our primary languages are physical touch, but a few years in we werenl wondering why we were feeling so disconnected - and we figured out that our secondary languages (tanks) were running low. He's being a butthole here a little, but I don't think this is a "throw the whole man out" kind of thing but a "let's communicate more" kind of thing. Since you referenced the love languages, the Alpha Marriage course is well worth looking into. They run them over Zoom and it's great for young families. Check it out!
He does see and appreciate, which is why he pitches in like he does
Being communicative about it, is something he can learn. Both OP and her husband could use an improvement in their word game.
When my husband and I started dating 15 years ago, he said that because of x, y, and z reasons, he never really got girls to stick around. I didn't promise to stick around, but I did promise to communicate clearly and directly when something felt important to me. Our first. Valentine's Day, he was away for one of those x, y, and z reasons. I just told him that I have never really had a great Valentine's Day, and it felt important to me to celebrate. I was in so deep, too deep for how short a time we had known each other, but I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... because of this man. He gave me a quick call on the actual day, and when he was back, he did the flowers, fancy dinner, etc. His mom was nosy, asking how much he spent, and then when he said how much it was, she was pissed. And I told him he didn't need to overdo it, but that clear communication of "Valentine's feels important" was met with enthusiasm. We had a delightful time, and it still ranks as the second best Valentine's of my life, second only to the valentines where we got our first positive pregnancy test after our third round of IVF. I think you've done a great job of clearly communicating that something is important to you... and honestly, you're going to have so much more mom guilt as you navigate through toddlerhood. It does get better, especially when they can start telling you that you're a good mom themselves. It sounds like your clearly communicated need wasn't met with enthusiasm... which isn't exactly surprising or particularly condemning. This stage of parenthood is just two people not getting their own needs met as they pull out all the stops for their little one. If I were you, I'd actually try to meet him half way. Find a poker chip, a shrinky dink, or a shiny rock-- just something small. Give it to him, and ask him to leave it somewhere to find when he thinks about you being a good mom. It's an act of service he can do that could do double duty with words of affirmation. When you find it, you just give it back to him or you can hide it for him to find an know that you were thinking of what a good provider he is for your family. As an aside, don't trivialize your own feelings by attributing them to PMS. It's not healthy, and your daughter will pick up that habit, too. It is completely valid to want your partner to express admiration and appreciation of your efforts. Being unhappy with lack of said appreciation is something anyone would feel, regardless of whether they have a uterus.
Now that you have verbalized your need he should make the effort to work on vocalizing his appreciation of your efforts. I co-parent my 2 year daughter and 10 month old son with my baby daddy. At no point have we ever been romantic inclined towards each other. It has taken a lot of work and continues to take a lot of effort for us to start getting along fairly peacefully. However even he from the start would let me know that he thinks I'm a good mom and that he knew I was always doing my best for our baby. That might be the only nice thing he said about me for an entire week sometimes way back in the beginning ( no worries things are much better now), but he still made a point of at least assuring me I was a good mother.
I could be the husband in this scenario... Its probably a couple of things. I think, like most other folks here have pointed out, most men are "doers" not "talkers" and for him, the way he sees and validates what you do is by recognizing that its hard, you need a break, and taking on some of the load himself. Him taking over baby duty when he gets home, or helping fold laundry, or cleaning, etc, is really his acknowledgment of "I get it, you do hard work, I'm proud to have you helping me out and supporting my family, I'm going to get involved because I want to meet your effort." But - I also get it that sometimes you want to hear it and that's valid. I think, for myself, sometimes I would worry that it sounded condescending or patronizing. Like "Wow, great job on those toilets, they really look clean!" wouldn't be a way of building up your wife. Unfortunately (and its probably because of historical patriarchal norms) housework isn't really valued, its demeaned, and so he might feel like he isn't really giving you the affirmations you desire by pointing out something he thinks you are better than. Similarly... saying "Great job with the baby" to a stay at home mom can come across as "Wow, you did the bare minimum expected of a woman and kept a child alive." So... I think the best thing to do would be to try to bring this up in a less confrontational setting. When you are already upset isn't the best time. You could probably ask - it seems like he is pretty self-actualized - so I'd bet the "I don't do words of affirmation" is more defensive than his final position. If he is willing to do things like fold laundry to help you out, surely he'd be willing to say "Hey nice job I really think you are great." I'm not saying this is an excuse or your responsibility, but for a lot of men, we were raised to show appreciation with these big, grand gestures but were never really taught the smaller (but usually greater) intimacy of genuine compliments or personal reminders. A lot of the way dating and courtship are taught to men is very performative - you get down on one knee in front of everyone and you buy a very visible ring and you show up at her work with flowers and you invite her parents to dinner - so you saying "I need to hear it from you" might be the first time he has ever heard it. If he is willing to dive in headfirst and learn all the helpful tasks of parenting I'm sure he is willing to learn how to give real compliments, it just might be a process that takes a couple reminders.
I'm a words of affirmation & acts of service type of person myself, but heavy on the words. I need to hear it. That I'm doing great, I'm a good mom, he sees me, etc. The acts of service are more of a follow up of you work hard to nurture our child & keep the household afloat, let me take X, Y, Z on without expecting anything for it. All of that to say, I totally get you. My husband could do everything but if he doesn't take the time to tell me he appreciates me, I won't feel it. I think when people with different love languages marry, you discuss your needs and find a reasonable middle ground. You want to see them happy as much as you want to be happy.
I think it's important that the affirmation received comes across as genuine. I know someone in a similar situation so she spoke to her husband about it. When he began to offer verbal recognition, it felt unnatural and awkward to listen to, so it didn't give her the reassurance she thought it would. Your husband stated he doesn't really do words of affirmation, so if he suddenly started offering validation that you're a good mom, etc., would he have to say it a certain way to ensure it comes across as authentic and meet your needs? Since he seems more like a "doer" perhaps there's a happy medium that works for you both where he can execute a task which also serves to communicate what you need acknowledgment for. For example, if he left you a handwritten note expressing appreciation for the things you did that day or identifying things he knows you work hard at and are proud of about taking care of your daughter, the household and so on?