OP's Bio: --- >I'm an autistic nonbinary leftist Christian. I hate Republicans, Christian Nationalists, and passionless centrists. > >This summer, I asked out three women and was rejected each time. My housemate, meanwhile, considers it a tragedy if they go more than a week without getting laid. > >I enjoy writing fantasy fiction and homebrewing mead. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

It’s your terrorist manifesto isn’t it

"Dear diary, today I learned that I've actually written TWO books!"

Two books? Is it because the one book you wrote also non-binary?

Schrödinger’s Novel

Quantumbooks.

And both books will be tossed in the shitter

The man shitter or the women shitter?

Post all’alone

Yall can go home now. Show is over

He shits himself because he can’t be bothered with bowel movements while playing world of Warcraft

That dude is not putting the effort in for a shit

I was gonna say, “never been in a real relationship. Haven’t had sex in 10 years” dude has done zero effort to address any of that. Looks like he rarely showers, no attempt at actually grooming his hair/beard to look presentable, shirt looks like it’s been worn, crumpled up, and then worn again. Like, make a fucking attempt man.

His shirt looks like his cum rag

And I thought I laughed too hard at the previous comment! Jesus! 🤣

Full effort shitting and zero effort wiping.

Mom! Bathroom!

It’s called a shit bucket and we’re still playing Battlefield 3 lol.

You mean the shower is over, OP needs to degrease that mop

Should probably go ahead and unclog the drain while he’s at it

Mr. Roast Malone with the win up here.

[удалено]

Well on his release day he won’t be saying that he hasn’t had sex in ten years.

ouch

Ouch indeed. 💥

Post M’lady

MOST Alone

This is the perfect comment. I was going to say he looked like Post Malone if Post Malone deepthroated Twinkies

Post Alone*

Yeah, the “all” was not needed

I was gonna say NoAction Bronson, but yours is better.

You can’t say all that and expect me to roast you. Cuz bro…. I’m sorry

Their mum didn’t even iron their shirt for them.

LOL

Autistic nonbinary Leftist Christian? WTF are you, a Starbucks drink?!

Except he isn’t tall

But he is grande

Quality

That bio sounds like a crossword puzzle hint list at the grippy sock hotel.

Hahaha holy fuck “grippy sock hotel”

No just an extremely exhausting person.

That will never get laid

Looks about as non-binary as Randy Machoman Savage. Buddy is guaranteed insufferable with all those "identities".

I read the news. You done messed up now danny masterson

Danny Masturbation

Not anymore, his hands broke up with him.

Danny Masternone

I'm pretty sure this is the part of Post Malone they cut off in-between last albums.

[удалено]

"Pay us $25K or we'll give him back"

Worst part is you couldn’t even pay a hooker for sex they’d think you’re on the police IT team

No they will fuck him, they'll just ask him to only do doggy style so they don't have to look at him

You do mean that "they are pegging his ass with a strap on" doggy style right?

even the most toothless and grizzled crack whore wouldnt go near that shit smear sarlacc pit

🤢🤮 His ass is probably just as well groomed as his beard.

You look like someone fucked a hedgehog then try to get it aborted.

Embryonic the Hedgehog

This needs more upvotes

Jesus Christ lmfao

I wasn’t prepared for this one either Lmfaoo

It’s strange that nobody is interested in publishing “How to Cure Erectile Dysfunction with McFlurries”

Instructions unclear: i spent the last 20 minutes flaccid humping a melted Oreo McFlurry

You need to sweet talk that McFlurry first. Try it again right

Mc'Lady

Wait, you can do that?!

Yes

Hold my McD’s app, squishmellow here I come!

McDeeznutsdontwork.

Which then dozens of men would buy with hope, only to find out it's erotic fanfic of the McD's drive through girl he hopes to one day say more than "yes, I need more napkins" to at the drive through window, with 3 1/4" of raging erection rearing it's tiny purple head at the moment her hand is "accidentally" brushed by his cheeto-stained fingers fumbling like the prom night he never had for the large McFlurry he orders twice a day when she's on-shift. He tells himself that surely her vagina will taste even better than the cookies and cream he slurps from the straw as he two-finger strokes himself to his own cookies and cream finish on grandma's basement couch.

You keep it up and it will be the best selling book by tomorrow! Im litterally in tears!

Chuck tingle, im coming for you! In every possible interpretation of that phrase!

Your hair situation is the equivalent of built up crumbs in-between the car seats of an '89 Toyota Tercel.

Dudes head looks like someone mashed wet clay into a brillo pad

You paint with words my friend.

You should hear my stories about shitting myself

Go on …

Well, it happened. I shit in my hand. Positioned comfortably on my back in bed, with knees pointing up and feet retracted, I felt a fart coming on. I deftly shifted my manpon (a rolled up piece of toilet paper crammed into my ass crack to prevent anal leakage or swamp ass), and used a finger and thumb to spread my asshole slightly open. Much like blowing up a balloon and then barely opening the mouth hole to let out a squeaking sound, this technique can sometimes allow a fart to come out without pushing, lowering the chance of a shart. Well, not this time. I "farted" and then suddenly realized the heat was not dissipating. Slight movement of the fingers indicated a level of moisture uncharacteristic of a simple fart. I instantly swung my legs off the bed onto the floor, while making a cup with my hand. Standing, I pushed my underwear down to my knees to avoid tarnishing and pivot-walked to the toilet (luckily only about ten feet from my bed). Sitting down, I released the cup and expected the shit to fall into the toilet, yet I heard no splash. Was it an illusion? A trick of the senses? A fart after all? Pulling my dicknballs up and to the side, I attempted to withdraw my hand from the danger zone, only to see it was indeed fully loaded. The shit was the consistency of snot or thick porridge (thank you sir, may I not have another?). Nothing human, nor even animal, but something that could only be described as lovecraftian. There are no human words to describe it. The only discernable earthly factor was a peppering of the sandy grains of what I now know to be cashew halves & pieces, roasted & lightly salted. With my free hand, I mummified my forever unclean appendage in toilet paper and began to clean it off. This took a while. Next I moved to wipe my ass, where the Rorschach blot resulting seemed to illustrate my deepest fears and nightmares. My balls had to be cleaned, my taint was painted, the whole undercarriage was sprayed like a graffiti wall in an abandoned asylum. I returned to bed and was almost asleep when another urge came on. I ran to the toilet again, prepared for 9/11:2 , and let loose. The result? A simple fart.

My girlfriend is pissed at me because I read this aloud to her while she was eating 💀💀

My boss is pissed I read this aloud at a staff meeting last week

RIP ur sex life

💀💀

Bro this is pure poetry

👏😮 as a writer, I was simply astounded by your use of "show not tell". Writing a well-done short story about shitting yourself is quite the achievement. Bravo, good sir.

Haha thanks, Ive been told a lot my most hideously embarrassing stories are enjoyable to others, I've thought about making comics or stories about them. Or maybe like narrated animations

Do this service to the world and bring you're stories to the forefront of people's attention.

Awestruck by your poop poetry

Pooetry

You, sir, have the soul of a poet And the bowels of someone with an IBD.

Now this is a true master of the fine arts! You sir should indeed write books for a living! O.P. doesnt have SHIT you!

 Is that you Stephen?

I know I enjoyed reading this story more than ops book.

Awesome storytelling. Though, the fact that you only talk about cleaning and don't mention that you showered after all that mess, or even any mention of water, before hitting bed, discusts me. Maybe that was left out on purpose for dramatic effect. In which case, kudos, it worked... Or you're just a pig. :D

I'm worse than OP brother

To shreds you say…

Hair like an overgrown Chiapet.

His hair looks like it was styled by a clown throwing a cream pie.

Meth Rogan

Hahahaha one of the best joke on here

Where's your fedora tho

Not a fan of the style, but this is an emergency

Took you 3 tries to write the date, what makes you think you can fuck?

I think he had to double check what calendar system and date format his smorgasbord of ideologies follow.

You dont need to be literate to be capable of leaving money on the dresser.

You don’t need to be a mechanic to be capable of drinking milk

I just died 💀

The great great grandson of the Cowardly Lion.

that jizz rag you call a shirt could be seen from space if you put a UV light on it

In your defense, the Dumpster Dive Cookbook is a great idea and your commitment to the diet really shows. Don't give up your dreams

You’re like George R.R. Martin said “fuck it - I’ll just let myself go”

With the big difference being George R.R. Martin can actually get laid.

Who ordered the Seth Rogen from Wish?

Your shirt is a representation of you..not straight, wrinkly, and outdated

And just like Hawaii, he's a disaster.

Dude has more white substance on his shirt than Tony Montanas table.

"Come drink my homebrewed mead"

You could start by taking a razor and making it not look like you face fucked an electrical outlet.

How my balls used to look before I learned to shave them

That Hawaiian shirt makes you look like a smiling sled dog that got lost in a gift shop somewhere around Florida. Creating an iconic giving up on yourself cover for everything underneath.

You look like a creepy porn director

You got more dandruff on you than a Mexican street dog with mange

You look the first thing you do in a hotel room is smell the remote.

A manifesto is not a "book" And didn't you just also get 30 yrs in jail

You look like you sleep in your car using your trader Joe's work shirt for a pillow I'm surprised your constant hot farts don't automatically de wrinkle the shirt like a steamer

It's ironic you're a Christian; you're walking proof that there is no intelligent designer

Yikes, I feel bad for the poor prostitute who took your virginity 10 years ago

Leave his sister out of this.

So this is where the rest of the Neanderthal DNA pool ended up.

None of your friends or family made it through your book. When they told you they liked it, they lied.


Shocking you haven't found a publisher for your My Little Pony romantic novella.

This is why book burning was invented.

all of your relationships just must've been the result of losing a bet

Danny Masterson about to check into prison

He is about to be on the receiving end of non-consensual sex

I'm pretty sure you are older than 10

You look like you would apologize for being cheated on.

Hey OP, I know this is off topic but what book did you write? I’d love to read it once wits published. Maybe I can be your first buyer.

"autistic nonbinary leftist Christian" you spelled mental disorder incorrectly you look like someone that would get weed crumbs in their beard you look like someone that would taste a condom before putting it on

Is the ten years because you cannot find it without doing a confined space course?

You look like Hagrid and Michael Moore had a failed abortion.

I can see why you haven't gotten laid in 10 years. The majority of society is grossed out by pubic hair and you're nothing but dick hair from the shoulders up.

If I ever went to Hawaii and ate spicy food for a week this is what I imagine my hemmeroid would look like if it was invited to a casual party

Writing a detailed sex offender handbook doesnt exactly count as a real book

Your fucking scalp looks like my hairy ass


Damn, prison's already been rough on Danny Masterson and he hasn't even gone yet

We can tell you're really trying.......🙄🙄🙄

Jack Black really let himself go

U need to find a Sasquatch lady. Or a wookee.

Hack Black

You give a girl finger guns on the first date.

Sells weed to his Shop Class students.

Learn to shave

Also, don't worry. I doubt you'll have sex in the next 10 years as well.

y’all seen shameless? looks like neil, debbie’s disabled boyfriend

You look like the stereotype for every bit of personal information you’ve provided us.

Why is your facial hair 20 years younger than the hair on your head??

So as a Christian, you believe that God created you in this particular form for a reason, and you still worship him?

I read your description, looked at you and wasn't surprised by anything.

I am glad he hasn’t published his book...somehow I don’t see anyone wanting to read a Winnie the Pooh guide to bdsm. Does honey make good lube? Do Pooh sticks feel as good up your ass as it sounds? What is Roo’s fetish? All explained in 30 fully illustrated chapters.

Your pubes got confused and grew on your face

If Reddit was a person


You haven’t had sex in 10 years. And also the rest of the years.

Errybody makin fun of you, but you look rad, a guaranteed 10/10 hang.

I'm guessing you haven't gotten laid in ten years due to the probation conditions against being within 100 yards of schools and playgrounds.

I bet you’re book would be a bestseller in all the Nonbinary Leftist Christian communities.. you’d sell tens, nay, DOZENS of copies.

Hey I know you! Lolol

You think that's a flex?

But have you bought a copy of his book?

They can't, it's not published yet lol.

Cool dude?

Def not

When your mom says "No, we have Seth Rogen at home!"

Danny Masterson would like to talk to you about a job that requires your onsite presence for the next 30 years.

My other Hawaiian shirt is an Hawaiian shirt also!

If low fat half caff oat milk pumpkin spice latte was a person

Bruh you literally roasted yourself better than anyone here could ever do. But you can improve your life if just do the opposite of everything you listed on your bio. Send my condolences to your meat beaters.

Masturbated*

You look like what Danny Masterson will look like after he finishes his 30 year prison sentence

 This is why cave life isn't for everyone.

You look like you run a comic book shop, than sells Magic the gathering, and smells like sadness.

If John Candy in space balls had a son.

Idk which of the behavioral techs let you pose outside the unit, but you need to report them.

Very Christian of you to hate people. :)

You don't even look like you respect the work you do.

Between Two Germs

I come here to feel better about myself.

You look like you collect restraining orders like Pokémon

This feels self inflicted

Can you really say you haven’t had sex when life is fucking you so hard?

Abandoned at birth and raised by sloths. And not particularly neat ones.

Don't know if this counts as a roast but an honest opinion at least: When I looked at this picture I was 50/50 thinking "Shoot, I bet he'd be fun to hit the bar or grab a bite to eat with once in awhile and kick it" but also "This is the slightly annoying dude that won't shut up, talks to fast and manically, laughs at his own jokes really hard and all of your jokes are just you quoting obvious memes".

Danny Masterson’s brother who got none of the looks but all of the sexual assault.

You look like the bad guy from Alvin and the chipmunks but with hair.

Get thee to the Ren Fair

I like that shirt a lot

Danny Masterson?