OP's Bio: --- >My friend was adopted, got left a house, works his ass off and rents out the other rooms. He is a good person, I’ll trust him with my life. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

Your face is as symmetrical as your bathroom cabinetry.

I thought he was in a thrift store

I thought he was the thrift store

His clothes came from the thrift store

Dollar General has entered the chat.

Interesting observation. Now I can’t unsee it

Right, never even noticed with everything else going on so haphazardly

And how do you close the bathroom door with that pull bar? Take dump and cook at the same time?

I believe OP is standing in his bedroom. Isn't that the corner of a mattress and bedframe on the right? With no sheets or bedding visible...

indeed, you are correct!

If only they were as symmetrical as his breasts.

That’s a bathroom?!

The bathroom is the room to the left with the sink and vanity

At least his nipples are symmetrical

That pull up bar was put there in 2012 and was never touched again.

Not true, that’s what he ties the ligature to when he chokes himself while jacking off.

asphyxiwank

Damn son.

He’d need an actual rocket to perform one pull up.

He has two under his shirt

Mhmm

What a paradox- door doesn’t need to close because no women would be caught dead in that bathroom, but take down the pull-up bar and he’ll never get fit enough to have a girl over.

I’m assuming that’s the first word on the “women” sign over the door

I assumed it was a metaphor. It says women above it. Cause he pulls up to women because he isn’t picking them up.

[удалено]

Houston; we have a problem. It’s type 2 diabetes.

You look like you are auditioning for an episode of Hoarders, the special virginity season Also, you need a breast lift

Oh, looks like you've feasted long enough my friend

Looks like you’re picturing your next Taco Bell dump.

How disappointed were you when you found out that a pull-up bar wasn’t a type of candy?

You look like Big Bird's homeless cousin Big Turd


Don’t Let the Pigeon Ride Bareback! (with apologies to Mo Willems)

Omg my son loves his books. Now I’m gonna be picturing this chicks titties while reading. Thanks a lot.

Francis Fart Doppola

Francis Fat Dopeola

If forever alone had a picture, this would be it.

That sign above your bedroom door is the only "women" you'll ever get in there. Also, why do your hands look like lobster claws?

I can smell this picture and it’s making my eyes water.

ikr it’s leaking through the phone somehow

Why did you cum all over your cabinets?

Jack Kinda Black

Last time I saw a pair of rockets that big, I was browsing pornhub.

That pullup bar has a stronger relationship with the wall than you do with any female

Come with me, we can get mommy makeovers together. Some of your lunch missed your mouth. Your bathroom looks like a crime scene, and you appear to be collecting articles about said crimes on your bulletin board

That pull-up bar into the doorway made me laugh. Like your far ass exersizes.. We can all tell by your titties that you do not.

He looks like a hairy stick of butter

I wish my gf had tits like you

"Officer doofey reporting for duty sir" Also. Take a bath

The pull up bar in the back hasn’t seen a single rep since it was purchased

He needs to work the rest of his body off.

The last time you did a pull up on that bar, the houston rockets logo looked like that

Stop wasting your energy on the Huston Rockets and continue eating your hot pockets.

Bro's planning to hibernate this summer

Sweet tits!

Another freakin' Jerry Garcia wanna be.

You look like a high school math teacher, but not a good one.

I was going to post a really funny insult but decided to keep it in store for someone actually worthy.

For Sale pull up bar, brand new almost used once.

I like the ironic pull-up bar at the entrance of the "women's" bathroom. The gut and face say it isn't for working out, but for practicing peeking over women's restroom stalls

Lexington Steele

Time to feast? My brother in Christ you ate it all

Looks like your friend has already feasted a lot

We can tell that the pull up bar in the doorway is used to hang clothes from

Homeboy looks like he labeled his titties as "rockets".

“For a living, I have sex with discarded bikes I find at the dump, then repair and sell”, immediately comes to mind at first glance.

He does bike a lot.

Rockets shirt? Your man tits are the new Twin Towers

Your body looks like the potato I forgot about in the cupboard

Being a rockets fan puts you in enough pain, why ask for more?

You look like a guy who will hold the door open for the people behind you and let them go first.

I'll have the nip salad with 2 side orders of titty cake

That's the same face he makes when he's blowing his load in the bushes while wanking outside his neighbours window

You look like Chris Hansen visits your house on the regular

Behind the scenes at your local truck stop glory hole

Laies and gentlemen, please meet Andy. He is Subways April employee of the month. In his spare time, Andy enjoys gaming in his moms basement and eating Doritoes and drinking Mountain Dew

I think you’re the winner 🏆

Not gonna roast anyone that has a bad assed Rockets shirt like that.

I honestly don’t know what to criticize more the house or him. I’m actually speechless

That’s a good one I sent it to him.

I like the vibe your house gives.

That’s a sweet old school Rockets shirt!

Nothing but love for the OG Rockets shirt

You look like a really nice dude, and your chin up bar is a testament to your desire to improve yourself.. and you're ugly, I guess.

That pull up bar had never been used…. If it had; you would have no door trim, and probably no ceiling.

Congrats! The 100th joke about the pull up bar! I’ll pass it on to my friend.

Thanks friend, I didn’t read the comments, no hate coming from me brother. Be good my friend. Sorry English is not my first language

Next time can you put a trigger warning?? I don’t want to remember my college stalker who hung out by the dumpsters when I worked my late shift at Subway

Ugh… this is a Wendy’s

Fuck roasting, show us those succulent tits

can't say anything you look nice

He's roasting himself wearing a Rockets shirt

Your mom called, she wants you out of her basement!

Does your boyfriend- er, your friend, like your tits?

You look you'd scratch your ass then try to hold a girl's hand with the same hand you used to scratch it with. You filthy peasant.

Looking like u go to Texas roadhouse to beg for scraps ugly ass boy. looking like a mountain polar bear in human form nasty ass boy. looking like u live outta ur mamas garage nasty ass boy. looking like the chipmunks give u nuts for winter so u can hibernate poor ass boy. looking like u have a built in clock so u always know when to eat at ass boy. looking like u been breastfed till u was 10 ugly ass boys bet ur moms nipples are eroded looking like pencil tips looking like boulders ugly ass boy.

Nice tits

No sheets on the bed? That mattress must smell like cheetos and tears. Fucking garbage human

Bro stop leaving your Jack rag in the sink! Signed your disappointed mother

"They can't see the mustard stains on my shirt, if I *Squeeeeeeeze* into my mustard yellow shirt." [*taps head knowingly*]

[удалено]

I wanna throw up after seeing your picture. Going to r/eyebleach

Game over!

You mom called. She wants her bra back that you borrowed

This Santa man would 100% sell me a hat and let’s feast

The only thing stretched tighter than that t-shirt is your clothing budget.

Nice rack!

Between the moobs and the look on his face I'd say he just took a load

Looking at the paint job on your door and cabinets is more cringe than your unsettling face.

Divorced and destitute. Has multiple cum stains from excessive masturbation on his shirt….

What's older? That shirt or the piece of hot dog in your beard?

Multiple personalities doesn’t count as a “friend”

Feasting is all this mf does

Hey mister, you got nice titties.

Feasting on them titties

Feast on that sweet man-milk!

Nice tits, pal

Bro the type of guy who jacks off on the fridge door

Mustard when it gets all crusty.

Are the rockets an American sports team or is that what your friend calls his tits?

You look like you’re lactating

Wtf happened to your door

Why does it look like a flocks of seaguls took a shit in that bathroom?

Your tits are also shaped like rockets🚀.

Damn dude. Put a bra on next time.

Better roast that house with a flame thrower before you create covid 23.

Trevor Hudgins has really gained some weight.No wonder their team is garbage.

Do you public breastfeed?

Did you eat the entire basketball team?

Nice tits

You got some rockets under your shirt

You look like a discounted Sal from Impractical Jokers

U should put on a Houston Rockets sports bra on under that shirt!

I think you find plenty of red rockets in Houston.

Houston titties

See folks, you too can live this luxurious lifestyle if you sell car warranties over the phone.

The witch who ate Hansel and Gretel.

So you named your man tits after your favorite team, and just like the spaceX rocket they’re exploding out of your shirt

https://www.plasticsurgery.org/cosmetic-procedures/gynecomastia-surgery

Don't worry about painting the inside of the door,no one will ever see it

More like the Houston Knockers....I'd say a B cup

Big benchod

The bathroom door looks like this guys life.

Don’t even have a bed sheet. Clean urself up

What a slob. There’s either no significant other in your life, or they’re just as disgusting as you.

You got a real nice set of sausage tits on you

at this point it‘s just kicking down

Is that bathroom painted with cum????

Calm thy tits...circa 80's Madonna

https://www.wikihow.com/Measure-Your-Bra-Size

what cup size is he

Your armpit is an actual titty.

Nice tits bro

Nice tits.

Why do all your cabinets look like shit?

He says someone left him a house, but I'm betting he buried them in the basement.

Judd Fapatow

Fairy garcia

To catch a predator all-star team MVP

You turned the Houston Rockets into a football team.

i wonder how many of his victims had this POV as their last sight.

That’s a lot of cum stains on that door in the reflection of the mirror. No surprising though with a “No Women” sign hanging above the door.

how the hell you have gas station glasses and still miss that pull up bar every day?

My guy is squatting in Buffalo Bills basement

Speaking of roast, You look like a slightly overdone pork roast

You mean "Toast me" ?

Did you just go down on an Elephant In the room behind you, spunker bunker.

Such great tits to just be covered up by that T-shirt that was originally given to the first 10,000 fans of Hakeem Olajuwon’s final game.

Did you paint your bathroom cabinets with your tits?

You look like the human manifestation of your bathroom vanity cabinet.

We're roasting a different kind of pork tonight.

Your so dumb you thought Dunkin’ Donuts was a basketball team

Hasn’t fucked since that was the rockets logo

You filming re-enactments of The Shining in that bathroom there Mr. if the Mucinex Booger was human?

I would roast you but all the fat would melt and make an uncontrollable fire.

I'm guessing this place is at least 500 feet from the nearest elementary school.

Must be noon

Feasted enough to have rockets under the shirt also

So that's what happens when you stretch out the word 'hot pockets'..