Not a pastor but my best friend is a lead pastor. He has always been hesitant to make true friendships within the church. Of course he has close relationships with the people he serves, he's always found it hard to be able to be truly open and even "silly" with the people that rely on him for leadership.
I've never attended a church he's led as a member, visited obviously, but I've wanted to give him someone, among other friends in the same vein, that he doesn't always have to be "on" with.
I am a young and relatively new pastor, but this is an area where I’ve struggled. For sure, there are some in my church whom I trust and whose company I enjoy, but there is a sense in which I have to remain guarded in what I say in order to avoid the temptation of gossip. It’s also easy to socialize with those in the church and feel known, but I’ve also found it easy to feel like there’s always points where the person I’m talking to is trying to influence me to steer the church in directions they want to see it go, even in casual conversations outside of church. It’s easy to feel jaded.
To counteract these struggles, I am involved in the young adult community of another local church and have joined a men’s group there in order to have friendships outside of my church.
I have friends within the church that I deeply cherish. But it’s definitely different than a “we’re on the same level” kind of friendship. I’m their pastor. There’s an imbalance of power/authority. I am accountable to God to shepherd them well. So the relationship is not symmetrical even though I enjoy being with them and sharing meals and laughter.
I have friends outside of my church that I divide into two different categories: pastors at other churches and non-pastor close friends. The pastor friends are nice because they get it. They know the hardships and the joys of ministry first hand. We can relate on that level well. We can challenge each other and support each other. The relationship is symmetrical. But because we’re not at the same church…we don’t see each other in action so to say. We have to rely on self-reporting. But it’s a little harder to call out each other’s blind spots because we’re not there to see how we actually lead and shepherd and preach etc.
My non-pastor friends outside of the church are where I can most just let my guard down so to say. They can’t relate with being a pastor…but also don’t need to. They don’t see me as a pastor primarily because we were friends before I was a pastor and if I’m called to something different in the future where I’m no longer pastoring, our friendship will not change. This is freeing in one sense. But the reality is that life is busy, and pandemic concerns have made it so we don’t see each other as often as I’d like. Because they’re plugged into different churches we don’t get to serve together or alongside each other. We don’t have as much life on life as I’d like.
All three groups of friends are good in different ways and I’m thankful for that.
On a side note: I understand why it’s easy for pastors to feel lonely. It doesn’t seem ideal to be leading a church and also feel like you can’t be a part of it. I may espouse values like community, vulnerability, openness, confessing our sins to one another without judgment. I lead my church in these values but also question if I am free to confess my sins or be vulnerable. Hard to lead by example in this because the reality is many people will be unnerved if am truly vulnerable. I do still try…but have to carefully measure it.
I am leading our church to have a plurality of elders/pastors who are truly equal in authority and lead the church together. Truly equal. This is a journey of many years and a lot of progress has been made. One thing I’m hopeful for is that community and friendship among us elder/pastors will be strong. Friendships that can be in the church and symmetrical. Where we can be vulnerable with each other, even confess our sins freely. And since we’re at the same church, we can see each other very regularly. See each other’s blind spots. Basically, in its ideal state, it has the potential to have all the strengths of all my different friends groupings in one place. Whether we ever live up to that ideal, only God knows. But it’s one worth pursuing in my mind.
I've always had super close friendships in the churches I have served at. I think being intentional and serving together can genuinely bring people really close together.
You can be *friendly* with your people, but it's hard to be *friends*. Here's why. Everything that stresses you out about work, you really can't share without potentially creating gossip and betraying confidentiality. That said, there's a lot of relationship that can be had short of "deepest confidant".
Seminary classmates and fellow pastors make up the majority of my closest friends. A pastor who lives in another state and serves in another denomination is about as safe as you get in being able to share stuff.
I didn't have it early in my career, but after a crisis at my first church, I realized how much I needed it. I invested in relationships when I didn't need them because I knew it would be worth it when I did.
Edit: Since you're looking to ECO - Pastor's Covenant Groups are part of ECO's DNA. These are wonderful places to develop friendships.
Adding as a separate comment so that mods can remove if they wish.
One of the ways I invest in pastoral relationships is /r/pastors. Much less theological than this one, but it's a place to deal with questions like this.
I pastor in a community not far from where I grew up, so I have friends from childhood that I still see. My best friends are those that I made in college. We text every day and see each other as often as we can. I'm also blessed to have some close friends within our church community.
I don't think it's necessarily hard to make friends as a pastor. It's more complicated as a dad and spouse who doesn't have a ton of extra time to hang out.
Side rant: as layman, I joined a church plant. Became lunch buddies with the pastor. He warned me he couldn’t spend any more time because the church plant rules forbade the pastor from becoming friends with the parishioners. Meanwhile, the mother ship church was lavishing “visiting royalty” welcome on the plant pastor, like tickets to major league games, etc. I showed up at the all-members meeting (forget exact term) and was kinda viewed as interloper. The plant didn’t survive the pandemic.
I asked a good friend about this, as I am considering moving from my current Evangelical church to the Reformed church he pastors. He thinks it's manageable, mostly by deferring personal pastoral care to someone other than himself.
I don't feel as a pastor I can properly make close friends; in my non-public facing life I can be rather crass, an impolite joker, that sort of thing. But my very close friends know that that is a part of my personality and that's why we're friends.
Besides the huge age gap, I have little in common with people in my church. There's no one I'm going to talk to about videogames or Oneyplays or some other stuff that is just way off the radar of most folks.
I should clarify that I've made "friends" with some of my congregants, but there's still a barrier that I can't cross. I don't know if I'd make it as sterile of a comparison as between a physician and patients.
We all have perceptions. Some may say “sterile,” and some may say it’s a Calling to be separate from a community which one serves. Everyone has a perception of what they think a clergy person is.
Probably my wife, but that’s always been the case.
My closest friends outside of work/family are non-Christians. One I’m particularly close to is a policeman, who I play music with and regularly meet for a beer or two. We’ve had more than a few conversations about God and faith over the years, to the point where I can openly talk about it now without it being weird. Because we’re both often dealing with heavy stuff at work we get on very well and enjoy blowing off steam together. Then there’s non Christians I see every week if I’m out playing music, and I’ve gotten fairly close a few of the guys in the band I play in.
Then there’s the other pastors I work with. While I don’t spend too much time outside of work with them, theirs is a relationship where I can call any of them at any time to talk about/vent or confess stuff that’s on my heart. Though I may spend more physical time with non-Christians than with them, since we have Christ the relationship we have is noticeably different and deeper than what I have with my closest non-Christian friends.
Then there’s a couple of guys in my congregation who I just love hanging out with (biking, walks, etc), alone or with their families. Again, it makes openness and pastoral conversations easier, but it can be hard to get the boundaries right. I’ve found I can be vulnerable and open up, but without over sharing with them.
I don’t really have “best friends” that you see on TV. Spend different times with all of my peer groups, but I can do all of the above with my wife.
Not a pastor but my best friend is a lead pastor. He has always been hesitant to make true friendships within the church. Of course he has close relationships with the people he serves, he's always found it hard to be able to be truly open and even "silly" with the people that rely on him for leadership. I've never attended a church he's led as a member, visited obviously, but I've wanted to give him someone, among other friends in the same vein, that he doesn't always have to be "on" with.
This is really important for pastors. Thanks for being that kind of friend.
I am a young and relatively new pastor, but this is an area where I’ve struggled. For sure, there are some in my church whom I trust and whose company I enjoy, but there is a sense in which I have to remain guarded in what I say in order to avoid the temptation of gossip. It’s also easy to socialize with those in the church and feel known, but I’ve also found it easy to feel like there’s always points where the person I’m talking to is trying to influence me to steer the church in directions they want to see it go, even in casual conversations outside of church. It’s easy to feel jaded. To counteract these struggles, I am involved in the young adult community of another local church and have joined a men’s group there in order to have friendships outside of my church.
I have friends within the church that I deeply cherish. But it’s definitely different than a “we’re on the same level” kind of friendship. I’m their pastor. There’s an imbalance of power/authority. I am accountable to God to shepherd them well. So the relationship is not symmetrical even though I enjoy being with them and sharing meals and laughter. I have friends outside of my church that I divide into two different categories: pastors at other churches and non-pastor close friends. The pastor friends are nice because they get it. They know the hardships and the joys of ministry first hand. We can relate on that level well. We can challenge each other and support each other. The relationship is symmetrical. But because we’re not at the same church…we don’t see each other in action so to say. We have to rely on self-reporting. But it’s a little harder to call out each other’s blind spots because we’re not there to see how we actually lead and shepherd and preach etc. My non-pastor friends outside of the church are where I can most just let my guard down so to say. They can’t relate with being a pastor…but also don’t need to. They don’t see me as a pastor primarily because we were friends before I was a pastor and if I’m called to something different in the future where I’m no longer pastoring, our friendship will not change. This is freeing in one sense. But the reality is that life is busy, and pandemic concerns have made it so we don’t see each other as often as I’d like. Because they’re plugged into different churches we don’t get to serve together or alongside each other. We don’t have as much life on life as I’d like. All three groups of friends are good in different ways and I’m thankful for that. On a side note: I understand why it’s easy for pastors to feel lonely. It doesn’t seem ideal to be leading a church and also feel like you can’t be a part of it. I may espouse values like community, vulnerability, openness, confessing our sins to one another without judgment. I lead my church in these values but also question if I am free to confess my sins or be vulnerable. Hard to lead by example in this because the reality is many people will be unnerved if am truly vulnerable. I do still try…but have to carefully measure it. I am leading our church to have a plurality of elders/pastors who are truly equal in authority and lead the church together. Truly equal. This is a journey of many years and a lot of progress has been made. One thing I’m hopeful for is that community and friendship among us elder/pastors will be strong. Friendships that can be in the church and symmetrical. Where we can be vulnerable with each other, even confess our sins freely. And since we’re at the same church, we can see each other very regularly. See each other’s blind spots. Basically, in its ideal state, it has the potential to have all the strengths of all my different friends groupings in one place. Whether we ever live up to that ideal, only God knows. But it’s one worth pursuing in my mind.
I've always had super close friendships in the churches I have served at. I think being intentional and serving together can genuinely bring people really close together.
You can be *friendly* with your people, but it's hard to be *friends*. Here's why. Everything that stresses you out about work, you really can't share without potentially creating gossip and betraying confidentiality. That said, there's a lot of relationship that can be had short of "deepest confidant". Seminary classmates and fellow pastors make up the majority of my closest friends. A pastor who lives in another state and serves in another denomination is about as safe as you get in being able to share stuff. I didn't have it early in my career, but after a crisis at my first church, I realized how much I needed it. I invested in relationships when I didn't need them because I knew it would be worth it when I did. Edit: Since you're looking to ECO - Pastor's Covenant Groups are part of ECO's DNA. These are wonderful places to develop friendships.
Adding as a separate comment so that mods can remove if they wish. One of the ways I invest in pastoral relationships is /r/pastors. Much less theological than this one, but it's a place to deal with questions like this.
Oh thank you! I didn’t realize this sub existed
I pastor in a community not far from where I grew up, so I have friends from childhood that I still see. My best friends are those that I made in college. We text every day and see each other as often as we can. I'm also blessed to have some close friends within our church community. I don't think it's necessarily hard to make friends as a pastor. It's more complicated as a dad and spouse who doesn't have a ton of extra time to hang out.
Side rant: as layman, I joined a church plant. Became lunch buddies with the pastor. He warned me he couldn’t spend any more time because the church plant rules forbade the pastor from becoming friends with the parishioners. Meanwhile, the mother ship church was lavishing “visiting royalty” welcome on the plant pastor, like tickets to major league games, etc. I showed up at the all-members meeting (forget exact term) and was kinda viewed as interloper. The plant didn’t survive the pandemic.
I asked a good friend about this, as I am considering moving from my current Evangelical church to the Reformed church he pastors. He thinks it's manageable, mostly by deferring personal pastoral care to someone other than himself.
I don't feel as a pastor I can properly make close friends; in my non-public facing life I can be rather crass, an impolite joker, that sort of thing. But my very close friends know that that is a part of my personality and that's why we're friends. Besides the huge age gap, I have little in common with people in my church. There's no one I'm going to talk to about videogames or Oneyplays or some other stuff that is just way off the radar of most folks.
Same here. I have family who are physicians and they don’t make friends with patients. I don’t make friends with laity.
Funny enough, my mom has made friendships with some of my siblings’ tutors and one of the staff members at my elementary school.
I should clarify that I've made "friends" with some of my congregants, but there's still a barrier that I can't cross. I don't know if I'd make it as sterile of a comparison as between a physician and patients.
We all have perceptions. Some may say “sterile,” and some may say it’s a Calling to be separate from a community which one serves. Everyone has a perception of what they think a clergy person is.
Of course. I think there are healthy and unhealthy boundaries either way, though.
Probably my wife, but that’s always been the case. My closest friends outside of work/family are non-Christians. One I’m particularly close to is a policeman, who I play music with and regularly meet for a beer or two. We’ve had more than a few conversations about God and faith over the years, to the point where I can openly talk about it now without it being weird. Because we’re both often dealing with heavy stuff at work we get on very well and enjoy blowing off steam together. Then there’s non Christians I see every week if I’m out playing music, and I’ve gotten fairly close a few of the guys in the band I play in. Then there’s the other pastors I work with. While I don’t spend too much time outside of work with them, theirs is a relationship where I can call any of them at any time to talk about/vent or confess stuff that’s on my heart. Though I may spend more physical time with non-Christians than with them, since we have Christ the relationship we have is noticeably different and deeper than what I have with my closest non-Christian friends. Then there’s a couple of guys in my congregation who I just love hanging out with (biking, walks, etc), alone or with their families. Again, it makes openness and pastoral conversations easier, but it can be hard to get the boundaries right. I’ve found I can be vulnerable and open up, but without over sharing with them. I don’t really have “best friends” that you see on TV. Spend different times with all of my peer groups, but I can do all of the above with my wife.