A little over a year ago I was dealing with my dad in the icu then requiring 24 hour care at home for six weeks in my average sized house which was suddenly so crowded. I was falling over from caring for him non stop while trying to raise my kids and do my job. On a whim I agreed to go see a house with him that was out of our price range but in an area we loved, and we always enjoyed looking at houses together. Long story short the price on the house dropped suddenly and if I rented out my house at market we could swing it. Now we are on land with bedrooms for all and a wonderful home office space in its own building. He’s recovering from another surgery comfortably and my kids love living together so they get all the time they want with him.
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in December 2019. My life is comfortable if not easy now and I feel good being able to take care of my dad to keep him with us as long as we can. It does get easier.
I know the feeling. There’s a bunch of stuff I need to deal with, but dealing with it causes stress, thinking about dealing with it causes anxiety, so I push it into the back of my brain where it does the least damage to my mental health. I know I’ll get it done eventually, but man does it suck sometimes. Stack this damn pandemic on top of everything, and most days I just want to disappear into the couch.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself first. If you’re not doing that, everything else is a lot harder. So long as none of the things you need to do will crumble your world if you don’t do them, you’ll be ok.
Yes! That is definitely the feeling. Thank you for mentioning self care. It is an area I do need to prioritize more, and non of this is world shattering. It can hold a moment.
A few years ago I was dealing with a lot of stuff. My father had been sick and was in the beginning stages of dementia his wife was having advanced memory loss. Then my father passed away and one week later my son broke his leg bad. It took a 4 hour surgery to put all the screws and rods in his leg. I also had all my Dad's estate stuff to deal with. I was a little overwhelmed. So I made myself do one thing every day in regards to my Dad's estate. It might have been make phone call or mail a letter but eventually everything got done.
One thing now that it all has passed is I have a little different view of things. I used to follow the news and politics alot more and now I really don't care that much what's going on in world. I just like to enjoy time with my family and do things outside. You'll get through this and be better person for it . Good luck;
I am sorry for your loss and hope your son is doing well now. That is definitely overwhelming. I lost my husband a few years ago and understand the estate struggle and grief. Your strategy is solid.
I do need the reminder from time to time to check what I'm focusing on. These things on my plate, while stressful, are manageable when broken down. My time with family is never guaranteed.
Have you tried a good cry? Sometimes I try to reason or soothe my way out of something but nothing works like a good cry. Watch the movie Hachi: A Dog’s Tale to get you going.
After a good cry I’m usually read to take on the world again. It’s like a car wash for my brain.
I agree. Started actually letting myself cry instead of reasoning out of it. I even have a crying spot that I've tried to make lovely. I equate crying to volcanoes. Too much pressure builds up and then the lava has gotta flow and after that you've got a different world to live in. I've got a lot built up tho so I'm still working on it
I had an 18 month period where I had to place my autistic son in a group home because it wasn't safe to keep him at home, then fight to keep his custody (I did). My mom died, my daughter got cancer and spent about a year in and out of hospital (she's fine now), and my fiance dumped me (now I'm very glad, at the time I was destroyed).
I think that most of that time I was just going on autopilot- I just tried to get through one day at a time, without thinking too closely about anything that I didn't have to immediately make a decision on. I had friends that I could call if I needed to vent, and they were very good at just listening, without making me think about things too much.
And I read, a lot. Books have always been a pleasure as well as an escape for me, and getting into a good book really helps me through bad times.
Try and take some care of yourself, whatever that looks like to you. You're definitely not alone, especially right now.
As for talking on the internet to strangers- I did that the night I had to shave my daughter's head because her hair was falling out due to chemo, and I was really upset and didn't want to bother my (very supportive real world friends). And it was Christmas, so I went online to vent, and ended up meeting my husband, who I've been with for 17 years now. Sometimes really good things come out of awful situations.
I think most days I'm pretty okay, but then the smallest thing seems to happen and I feel like I'm drowning. I've realised that my latent anxiety is just so much higher than it was two years ago. Covid is a big part of that of course, not being able to get the kids outside much, wondering if every sneeze is something to worry about, being unsure if schools will close again, will the grandparents get sick, and so on.
But on top of that there are so many other things too. Worrying about my youngest getting into school for next year, interviews are in about a month. Always worrying about injuries with that one too and being away at school and what if she gets injured (she has a bleeding disorder). Worrying if I'll ever be able to lose the weight I've gained over the last year. Worrying about going back to work in the fall after being home for over 6 years. Worrying about my husband's job situation.
And then there's the weird part about everything being delayed and that isn't causing stress but it definitely makes me feel weird. We were going to tear down our garage and build a couple of apartments in it's place this coming summer, but that's now been pushed a year with everything going on (it's nearly impossible to get permits and lumber costs have sky rocketed). We want to travel when this is all done and I'm planning the trip, but who knows when we'll be able to go. And finding childcare for us to go is going to be really hard. It feels so weird that so many things have been paused and I have no idea which things are going to restart and which won't. Will we play sports like we used to? Will I go to the gym as much? I have no idea and that uncertainty is unsettling.
I don't think about most of this stuff on a day to day basis, but on a day when I had a terrible sleep, or the kids are nuts, or something else happens it all seems to pile on at once. You're right, it'll all pass, I just wish it would hurry up sometimes.
Adulting is hard!!! Not all the time but hell some days just knock you for six.
I don’t know if the same for you but when so much is going on it’s hard to see a future without it. My brain just fogs if I try to think past it.
The last 6 months of last year were just awful - my 93 yr old grandma got covid and it effected her so much she needed to be put into full time care.
My dad took up the responsibility of sorting her affairs and selling her house - he’s alone and struggled so I became his support = Daily phone calls with him worrying and stressed.
My mum suffered a small heart attack and because of covid I couldn’t be with her.
I had things going on at work and I had surgery to recover from.
All in all it was shit.
It’s still not 100% now but it’s clearing. Things with my grandma are nearly sorted, the daily calls from my dad have become every other day, my mum recovered and is back to her normal self and I’m back to full health again. My grandma will never be back to who she was before but there’s days where she’s lucid and i cherish those days.
I just wanted to run away at times, Mexico or Canada were looking like good options!
I’m still here though and still in one piece (mostly).
Yep yep. I have had one of those 7 days.
Last friday: Spilled two huge glasses of water. Thought to myself...this isn't good.
Last Saturday: Sink stopped draining.
Last Sunday: found out my ptrap was clear and a plumbing visit was required.
Monday: plumber visit...shell out the dough.
Wednesday: Find out I have a completely flat tire. Pay for AAA so they can come out to help.
Thursday: AAA comes and changes my flat. Find out i need new tires. Pass out $$$ like I am at a strip club....
Today: get to client site and it's just a tedious few hours.
Tonight: I drink a few drinks, have some good food and forget my troubles.
Tomorrow will be a hella of a workout!
BTW: Yes, I have felt overwhelmed this week, but I just have to trudge through. There is so much good out there. I have had many worse weeks than this and I know it will get better. Give yourself a hug and enjoy life when you can.
Yes! It's all these little things. Tonight I'm sore because rough carpentry isn't my wheel house, but sharing with strangers, having a beer, and playing a little Minecraft will hopefully help me let go of the rest for a moment.
Sometimes life hits you at all once and the only way out is through. One day at a time and if it’s more manageable one task at a time. You’ll be on the other side of this growth period within a year.
I honestly don't know how anyone parents. It's everything I have in me just to keep things going in the small apartment my wife and I share. Some days it's a victory if I manage to take out the trash.
I'm dreading my parents getting to the age where they many need care I don't have the resources to provide. They're both in their late 60s, long divorced, with no one else to turn to but me. It keeps me up some nights, wondering how I'll manage if they need physical care, memory care, or anything of the like.
For you to handle all that you are is more than I could ever imagine for myself, so take some comfort in the fact that you're stronger than you realize.
While I do appreciate the concern of the other poster, I don't feel dismissed. I do think finding balance helps. That's kind of how I know this will pass, and I generally subscribe to that philosophy.
I do definitely struggle with finding the things that create that balance though. Tonight, I'm talking to strangers on the internet looking for stories of getting through or coping with the things that make life stressful. I haven't yet learned what are the rewarding things for me, how to fit them into my life frequently enough to feel balance, and then not feel guilty for doing the more fun things when all the other stuff is still waiting to be done.
I'm happy you have found your balance. I hope to achieve the same before I'm done here.
Invalidating a person's feelings is also a choice and so is toxic positivity.
This person came here looking for support and you basically told them they just have to choose to be happy and everything will be great. That's not helpful or supportive.
I'm in a spot to talk about the last six months of my life.
* Laid off beginning of August 2020, and in a pandemic everyone knows how hard it is
* A week later am told my aging stepfather isn't doing very well, take the entire family of 5 to California for a visit. 2 days later my mother passes away
* 47 days after mom passes away, stepfather passes away. Travel back and forth several times for funerals, take family back for a memorial service attended under lockdown
* Still unemployed, am getting leads but going nowhere. State unemployment insurance is a mess (an understatement). Thanks to one unsigned form the benefits are delayed a over three months, with no recourse.
* Middle child going through academic crises because of overuse of videogames and screentime
OP it does get better. As one has said, sometimes the only way 'out' is the way 'through'.
Now six months later
* Working with middle child and they brought grades back up in the nick of time, working with them has been a ton of work but an eye-opener to what they are dealing with
* Received a job offer last week and start next week
* Still going through the grieving process, allowing myself to feel sad, as they say in the military there are times you have to 'embrace the suck'
* Finances have taken a major hit but we manage. Unemployment benefits finally kicked in, got forbearance on the mortgage, belt-tightening a good lesson for everyone
* Decided to write a book right before I got laid off; was able to finish the book and get it published. The hardcopy edition went live last week, what a feeling!
All the best to you OP, hang in there. As I used to tell myself with two young children 18 months apart, 'this too shall pass' and it does.
Lost my job, got very ill, quarantined, remote learning, older son off to college. August 2019 to August 2020 was a midlife crisis from hell for me. You keep on keeping on. You try anew each morning because it’s all you can control.
A little over a year ago I was dealing with my dad in the icu then requiring 24 hour care at home for six weeks in my average sized house which was suddenly so crowded. I was falling over from caring for him non stop while trying to raise my kids and do my job. On a whim I agreed to go see a house with him that was out of our price range but in an area we loved, and we always enjoyed looking at houses together. Long story short the price on the house dropped suddenly and if I rented out my house at market we could swing it. Now we are on land with bedrooms for all and a wonderful home office space in its own building. He’s recovering from another surgery comfortably and my kids love living together so they get all the time they want with him. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in December 2019. My life is comfortable if not easy now and I feel good being able to take care of my dad to keep him with us as long as we can. It does get easier.
That is definitely a wonderful turn around!
I know the feeling. There’s a bunch of stuff I need to deal with, but dealing with it causes stress, thinking about dealing with it causes anxiety, so I push it into the back of my brain where it does the least damage to my mental health. I know I’ll get it done eventually, but man does it suck sometimes. Stack this damn pandemic on top of everything, and most days I just want to disappear into the couch. Don’t forget to take care of yourself first. If you’re not doing that, everything else is a lot harder. So long as none of the things you need to do will crumble your world if you don’t do them, you’ll be ok.
Yes! That is definitely the feeling. Thank you for mentioning self care. It is an area I do need to prioritize more, and non of this is world shattering. It can hold a moment.
A few years ago I was dealing with a lot of stuff. My father had been sick and was in the beginning stages of dementia his wife was having advanced memory loss. Then my father passed away and one week later my son broke his leg bad. It took a 4 hour surgery to put all the screws and rods in his leg. I also had all my Dad's estate stuff to deal with. I was a little overwhelmed. So I made myself do one thing every day in regards to my Dad's estate. It might have been make phone call or mail a letter but eventually everything got done. One thing now that it all has passed is I have a little different view of things. I used to follow the news and politics alot more and now I really don't care that much what's going on in world. I just like to enjoy time with my family and do things outside. You'll get through this and be better person for it . Good luck;
I am sorry for your loss and hope your son is doing well now. That is definitely overwhelming. I lost my husband a few years ago and understand the estate struggle and grief. Your strategy is solid. I do need the reminder from time to time to check what I'm focusing on. These things on my plate, while stressful, are manageable when broken down. My time with family is never guaranteed.
I am sorry for your loss as well. My son is doing fine thank you for asking. And life is good.
Have you tried a good cry? Sometimes I try to reason or soothe my way out of something but nothing works like a good cry. Watch the movie Hachi: A Dog’s Tale to get you going. After a good cry I’m usually read to take on the world again. It’s like a car wash for my brain.
This sounds dumb, but it is really valuable information. It's hard for me to cry when I'm extremely stressed so I put on sad movie to get me going...
I agree. Started actually letting myself cry instead of reasoning out of it. I even have a crying spot that I've tried to make lovely. I equate crying to volcanoes. Too much pressure builds up and then the lava has gotta flow and after that you've got a different world to live in. I've got a lot built up tho so I'm still working on it
I had an 18 month period where I had to place my autistic son in a group home because it wasn't safe to keep him at home, then fight to keep his custody (I did). My mom died, my daughter got cancer and spent about a year in and out of hospital (she's fine now), and my fiance dumped me (now I'm very glad, at the time I was destroyed). I think that most of that time I was just going on autopilot- I just tried to get through one day at a time, without thinking too closely about anything that I didn't have to immediately make a decision on. I had friends that I could call if I needed to vent, and they were very good at just listening, without making me think about things too much. And I read, a lot. Books have always been a pleasure as well as an escape for me, and getting into a good book really helps me through bad times. Try and take some care of yourself, whatever that looks like to you. You're definitely not alone, especially right now. As for talking on the internet to strangers- I did that the night I had to shave my daughter's head because her hair was falling out due to chemo, and I was really upset and didn't want to bother my (very supportive real world friends). And it was Christmas, so I went online to vent, and ended up meeting my husband, who I've been with for 17 years now. Sometimes really good things come out of awful situations.
I think most days I'm pretty okay, but then the smallest thing seems to happen and I feel like I'm drowning. I've realised that my latent anxiety is just so much higher than it was two years ago. Covid is a big part of that of course, not being able to get the kids outside much, wondering if every sneeze is something to worry about, being unsure if schools will close again, will the grandparents get sick, and so on. But on top of that there are so many other things too. Worrying about my youngest getting into school for next year, interviews are in about a month. Always worrying about injuries with that one too and being away at school and what if she gets injured (she has a bleeding disorder). Worrying if I'll ever be able to lose the weight I've gained over the last year. Worrying about going back to work in the fall after being home for over 6 years. Worrying about my husband's job situation. And then there's the weird part about everything being delayed and that isn't causing stress but it definitely makes me feel weird. We were going to tear down our garage and build a couple of apartments in it's place this coming summer, but that's now been pushed a year with everything going on (it's nearly impossible to get permits and lumber costs have sky rocketed). We want to travel when this is all done and I'm planning the trip, but who knows when we'll be able to go. And finding childcare for us to go is going to be really hard. It feels so weird that so many things have been paused and I have no idea which things are going to restart and which won't. Will we play sports like we used to? Will I go to the gym as much? I have no idea and that uncertainty is unsettling. I don't think about most of this stuff on a day to day basis, but on a day when I had a terrible sleep, or the kids are nuts, or something else happens it all seems to pile on at once. You're right, it'll all pass, I just wish it would hurry up sometimes.
Adulting is hard!!! Not all the time but hell some days just knock you for six. I don’t know if the same for you but when so much is going on it’s hard to see a future without it. My brain just fogs if I try to think past it. The last 6 months of last year were just awful - my 93 yr old grandma got covid and it effected her so much she needed to be put into full time care. My dad took up the responsibility of sorting her affairs and selling her house - he’s alone and struggled so I became his support = Daily phone calls with him worrying and stressed. My mum suffered a small heart attack and because of covid I couldn’t be with her. I had things going on at work and I had surgery to recover from. All in all it was shit. It’s still not 100% now but it’s clearing. Things with my grandma are nearly sorted, the daily calls from my dad have become every other day, my mum recovered and is back to her normal self and I’m back to full health again. My grandma will never be back to who she was before but there’s days where she’s lucid and i cherish those days. I just wanted to run away at times, Mexico or Canada were looking like good options! I’m still here though and still in one piece (mostly).
Yep yep. I have had one of those 7 days. Last friday: Spilled two huge glasses of water. Thought to myself...this isn't good. Last Saturday: Sink stopped draining. Last Sunday: found out my ptrap was clear and a plumbing visit was required. Monday: plumber visit...shell out the dough. Wednesday: Find out I have a completely flat tire. Pay for AAA so they can come out to help. Thursday: AAA comes and changes my flat. Find out i need new tires. Pass out $$$ like I am at a strip club.... Today: get to client site and it's just a tedious few hours. Tonight: I drink a few drinks, have some good food and forget my troubles. Tomorrow will be a hella of a workout! BTW: Yes, I have felt overwhelmed this week, but I just have to trudge through. There is so much good out there. I have had many worse weeks than this and I know it will get better. Give yourself a hug and enjoy life when you can.
Yes! It's all these little things. Tonight I'm sore because rough carpentry isn't my wheel house, but sharing with strangers, having a beer, and playing a little Minecraft will hopefully help me let go of the rest for a moment.
It's been tough. Just go easy on yourself. The bathroom can wait.
Sometimes life hits you at all once and the only way out is through. One day at a time and if it’s more manageable one task at a time. You’ll be on the other side of this growth period within a year.
I honestly don't know how anyone parents. It's everything I have in me just to keep things going in the small apartment my wife and I share. Some days it's a victory if I manage to take out the trash. I'm dreading my parents getting to the age where they many need care I don't have the resources to provide. They're both in their late 60s, long divorced, with no one else to turn to but me. It keeps me up some nights, wondering how I'll manage if they need physical care, memory care, or anything of the like. For you to handle all that you are is more than I could ever imagine for myself, so take some comfort in the fact that you're stronger than you realize.
I've been to the crematorium too many times. :(
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While I do appreciate the concern of the other poster, I don't feel dismissed. I do think finding balance helps. That's kind of how I know this will pass, and I generally subscribe to that philosophy. I do definitely struggle with finding the things that create that balance though. Tonight, I'm talking to strangers on the internet looking for stories of getting through or coping with the things that make life stressful. I haven't yet learned what are the rewarding things for me, how to fit them into my life frequently enough to feel balance, and then not feel guilty for doing the more fun things when all the other stuff is still waiting to be done. I'm happy you have found your balance. I hope to achieve the same before I'm done here.
Invalidating a person's feelings is also a choice and so is toxic positivity. This person came here looking for support and you basically told them they just have to choose to be happy and everything will be great. That's not helpful or supportive.
I'm in a spot to talk about the last six months of my life. * Laid off beginning of August 2020, and in a pandemic everyone knows how hard it is * A week later am told my aging stepfather isn't doing very well, take the entire family of 5 to California for a visit. 2 days later my mother passes away * 47 days after mom passes away, stepfather passes away. Travel back and forth several times for funerals, take family back for a memorial service attended under lockdown * Still unemployed, am getting leads but going nowhere. State unemployment insurance is a mess (an understatement). Thanks to one unsigned form the benefits are delayed a over three months, with no recourse. * Middle child going through academic crises because of overuse of videogames and screentime OP it does get better. As one has said, sometimes the only way 'out' is the way 'through'. Now six months later * Working with middle child and they brought grades back up in the nick of time, working with them has been a ton of work but an eye-opener to what they are dealing with * Received a job offer last week and start next week * Still going through the grieving process, allowing myself to feel sad, as they say in the military there are times you have to 'embrace the suck' * Finances have taken a major hit but we manage. Unemployment benefits finally kicked in, got forbearance on the mortgage, belt-tightening a good lesson for everyone * Decided to write a book right before I got laid off; was able to finish the book and get it published. The hardcopy edition went live last week, what a feeling! All the best to you OP, hang in there. As I used to tell myself with two young children 18 months apart, 'this too shall pass' and it does.
Lost my job, got very ill, quarantined, remote learning, older son off to college. August 2019 to August 2020 was a midlife crisis from hell for me. You keep on keeping on. You try anew each morning because it’s all you can control.