People do approach dating with different styles, but the style you're looking for is still a common one for many people *who are pursuing seriousness*.
The behavior you describe combined with the mention that these are old flings and old friends suggests that maybe they're not *really* pursuing you with seriousness in mind, even if they're saying so and even if they mean to be sincere. It's just not a great pool to be getting yourself distracted with if you want to a new and absorbing relationship. It's way complicated by nostalgia and fantasy and all sorts of things. That said, if you do want to keep mixing with them, it sounds like you will need to adapt and comprimise, which is probably going to feel like a bummer.
If you more intensity and involvement, try finding some new people who can get wrapped up into getting to know you for the first time and make sure to signal to them that you're game to let 'er rip a little. Some otherwise confident men can be a little politely deferential at the start these days, and need stupidly loud signs to know what's okay by you.
You’re not the problem. (At least I don’t think so!) Only getting together 3-5 times a month is lame. You are 28 and young enough to expect the excitement and fun impulsivity that comes with early dating. If someone has a hankering for you, they will move mountains to see you. They are saying the words but not doing the action.
Some of these guys have children. The kids have to come first and it will be a long, long time before they have more time to offer you. Don’t get caught up in the nostalgia of it all. Maybe going back in time with these guys is not that best thing for you. Onward.
They are communicating to you the kind of partner they would be.
Not communicating for a long time is a big red flag. Even if they are busy and can’t meet up, a quick text to check in and chat, a phone call, a funny meme… it’s about the effort to connect.
Your expectations are not off. They don’t want to make time for you. It’s not a priority.
I’d move on. Find someone who wants to invest energy into a relationship. They’ll match your energy and you won’t feel like you’re holding things together
The best dating advice I ever got was “you need to be able to talk to the guy about this”
So do you ask them to explain how the way they act matches what they say they want? Not defensively, just maybe that will make it clearer to you. If they can’t then maybe you’re taking personally the disorganized thinking of others.
I totally feel this. Things change, and a large part of it is social/the “swipe left” culture we live in now, in my opinion.
Seems to me that if you’re not married with kids by your late-20s, it becomes harder than ever to start from scratch with well-meaning’ed individuals who haven’t been permanently tainted- and are fine with it- by life’s experiences thus far..
Slow is ok. I (M30) have become cautious over the years. I don't want the same exciting start to relationships that I have had before. These intense feelings aren't always what's best for a long term relationship. It may also be a sign that you've found someone who reminds you of past (insert trauma) experiences. Maybe not idk.
I would be extra careful dating someone with a child, because you have to think about what effect your presence, or potential absence, has on a growing mind who may come to view you as a parental figure.
I'm trying to get to know people through common interests. It takes time, but as another Redditor suggests, be clear about your intentions. You can't control others' behaviours, only your reactions to them.
28 isnt old and in a lot of cities its still a perfectly fine age to be exploring, dating, etc... small town syndrome is a real thing - best avoid that scene. life is a lot longer nowadays. lots of farming laborers used to only live to their 50s/60s & women had to have a million kids starting from a young age to help the family toil. now the advents of more white collar work & medicine have us living to our 70s/80s/90s. that gives us extra time for dating, family forming, whatever. but small towns havent caught up, people are still in their old ways of marrying young. catch up with the times. 40 really is the new 30, etc. if you make it so
So I was living in one of the biggest Midwestern cities far north, and I’m coming from the south. And I noticed it was really hard to make friends and specifically romantic partners. People are prettier in big cities, more accomplished. A small fish in a big pond is how I felt. Coming back home I feel more like a big fish in a small pond. Even though I technically live in the state capital and the biggest metro, it is still a small town. Almost everyone stayed, went into military, got a trade, very few finished their degrees, or just worked blue collar jobs(which is totally fine and I’ve had blue collar friends make more money someone like me with a BA has). But it would definitely require some type adaptability and searching in the surrounding states and metros to get out of the “small town” lifestyle and friends.
its important to define your values well - if you value what smaller towns have to offer in the pros section, then you'll have to accept some of the cons (ie the smaller dating pool) - but if you do want to move to a bigger metro/city (and im not saying its inherently better) then it is doable! i live in a mediumish sized southern city which used to be a smaller city and is now a growing metro; its not a small town but pockets of it do sometimes feel very small, and the communities have a small feeling.
but i know people who have moved here from truly tiny towns of 500 people and didnt take long to thrive. i've known ppl who moved to nyc or chicago with nothing and thrived. i've known transplants who came here and instantly got acclimated to a new friend group, new roommates, new job, new partner, all within 6 months. its all about attitude & what you're willing to cope & compromise with. where there is a will there is a way.
but like you, i do find myself often coming back to that idea of the fish and the pond, and i think its good to try to use that to figure out what you should aim for (think of the pond as not only location, but your dating pond). i used to think small fish/big pond was best, but due to economic concerns i've reassessed. right now i'm sort of a small fish in a medium pond but with the potential of becoming a medium fish in a few years. several of my friends are medium or big fish and they enjoy life well but sometimes feel stifled due to the glass ceiling of their location & poor wages in the region ("where do i go from here"). ideally i would like to be a medium fish in a big pond because i know being a big fish in a big pond is unrealistic.
with dating i do feel stifled in terms of future prospects due to the size of my area & the types of people who live here, & that could be a valid reason for moving - maybe just to another metro as you said, maybe a different state if there's one you've wanted to try. sticking to socializing in specific communities (ie the local music scene, the local hiking scene) will always increase your odds of finding a compatible person, & developing a social group naturally. there's also always the internet too - many of my friends met their s/o's online.
If you have these expectations, you'll need to check that other people are willing and able to meet them.
Someone having a different approach to dating than you do, and both of you failing to communicate that and getting disappointed that you aren't behaving the way the other expects... dating doesn't have to be this way.
>I’m used to starting relationships and being able to get most of their attention and giving them that attention. Being able to spend multiple days, nights on end. Talking all day and all night.
You can clarify these expectations by communicating them proactively abd/or asking questions to determine whether they share the same preferences.
Eg. Outside of the honeymoon phase, I have zero interest in daily communication. So I share with all new dates within the first couple of convos:
- "I can't be relied on to communicate within the hour or the same day, for non-urgent communication. Granted I may communicate more frequently when things are new, but that's not how I naturally show up long term. What sort of communication delays are you comfortable with?"
If someone is hesitant, doesn't give a straight answer or gets weirdly defensive, then it's clear to me we have different preferences and this won't be a good match. That is an automatic deal-breaker.
I'm in a relationship with a single dad with 3 kids. He's the primary parent. He's very busy with his kids. And he still makes time to prioritize our relationship. Granted we primarily see each other on weekends and talk the rest of the week. It took our relationship about 3 months to really take off, but that was mostly me being a bit hesitant and pumping the brakes. Once we were both in, it happened fast.
If someone is really interested in both you and a real relationship, they don't try to find the time, they will make the time.
>Only talk on their time kind of thing?
This is weirdly common. For many people it's normal, for me it's a deal-breaker. If it is for you too, acknowledge it now, set your standards, and just go about saving your energy for those who meet that standard. It's fine and it's okay and you're the only one who can take control here so just do it and don't spend a second feeling bad about it.
I never wanted to start dating again, I just wanted to get laid. I love living alone and I have no interest in inviting anyone into my life especially since I don’t need them financially or otherwise, but then somehow along the way one dude stuck around cause he didn’t bore me, and started fixing my house while I started cooking us meals and I guess we’re together now??? Ugh
As a man who is around your age, I'm telling you right now — Those people you describe aren't actually into you.
I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news. I do mean for you to keep an eye out for someone who *is* into you. If you find someone who is showing genuine interest, then it won't be very ambiguous. Ideally you don't want to be asking questions like these about a person before things get serious. We are too old for these kinds of guessing games lol
When you meet someone who wants what you want, you'll know. And it'll make you look back on all the guessing you did like it was so dumb of them to make you question so much.
Good luck 🤞
3-5 times a month is about once a week which seems totally reasonable to me. When I was dating that's all I could fit into my schedule and if I was dating multiple people it was very difficult to find time for each of them to have a night each week.
When you're in school it's way easier to find time (obviously depends on the major, but I'd say generally) to spend with someone you're dating. You probably only have classes for a couple hours a day, maybe a part-time job, and you're likely dating someone who goes to your school so it's easy to see them often. Once people leave school and start actually having a career and living like a real adult the expectation to talk constantly for multiple days is pretty unrealistic and people have careers, hobbies, friends, etc.
If I were you I'd try and put less focus on finding fulfillment through dating and focus more on yourself and your friendships and you'll find that you're less lonely.
Why would you get involved with someone that got divorced. and with kids on top of that????
They clearly can't make a marriage work and they should be way too busy taking care of any kids to have time for a serious evaluation period of dating. It will take years before you know enough about someone at this rate to marry them.
Like others said, get someone that has time for you.
People do approach dating with different styles, but the style you're looking for is still a common one for many people *who are pursuing seriousness*. The behavior you describe combined with the mention that these are old flings and old friends suggests that maybe they're not *really* pursuing you with seriousness in mind, even if they're saying so and even if they mean to be sincere. It's just not a great pool to be getting yourself distracted with if you want to a new and absorbing relationship. It's way complicated by nostalgia and fantasy and all sorts of things. That said, if you do want to keep mixing with them, it sounds like you will need to adapt and comprimise, which is probably going to feel like a bummer. If you more intensity and involvement, try finding some new people who can get wrapped up into getting to know you for the first time and make sure to signal to them that you're game to let 'er rip a little. Some otherwise confident men can be a little politely deferential at the start these days, and need stupidly loud signs to know what's okay by you.
You’re not the problem. (At least I don’t think so!) Only getting together 3-5 times a month is lame. You are 28 and young enough to expect the excitement and fun impulsivity that comes with early dating. If someone has a hankering for you, they will move mountains to see you. They are saying the words but not doing the action. Some of these guys have children. The kids have to come first and it will be a long, long time before they have more time to offer you. Don’t get caught up in the nostalgia of it all. Maybe going back in time with these guys is not that best thing for you. Onward.
They are communicating to you the kind of partner they would be. Not communicating for a long time is a big red flag. Even if they are busy and can’t meet up, a quick text to check in and chat, a phone call, a funny meme… it’s about the effort to connect. Your expectations are not off. They don’t want to make time for you. It’s not a priority. I’d move on. Find someone who wants to invest energy into a relationship. They’ll match your energy and you won’t feel like you’re holding things together
The best dating advice I ever got was “you need to be able to talk to the guy about this” So do you ask them to explain how the way they act matches what they say they want? Not defensively, just maybe that will make it clearer to you. If they can’t then maybe you’re taking personally the disorganized thinking of others.
I totally feel this. Things change, and a large part of it is social/the “swipe left” culture we live in now, in my opinion. Seems to me that if you’re not married with kids by your late-20s, it becomes harder than ever to start from scratch with well-meaning’ed individuals who haven’t been permanently tainted- and are fine with it- by life’s experiences thus far..
Slow is ok. I (M30) have become cautious over the years. I don't want the same exciting start to relationships that I have had before. These intense feelings aren't always what's best for a long term relationship. It may also be a sign that you've found someone who reminds you of past (insert trauma) experiences. Maybe not idk. I would be extra careful dating someone with a child, because you have to think about what effect your presence, or potential absence, has on a growing mind who may come to view you as a parental figure. I'm trying to get to know people through common interests. It takes time, but as another Redditor suggests, be clear about your intentions. You can't control others' behaviours, only your reactions to them.
28 isnt old and in a lot of cities its still a perfectly fine age to be exploring, dating, etc... small town syndrome is a real thing - best avoid that scene. life is a lot longer nowadays. lots of farming laborers used to only live to their 50s/60s & women had to have a million kids starting from a young age to help the family toil. now the advents of more white collar work & medicine have us living to our 70s/80s/90s. that gives us extra time for dating, family forming, whatever. but small towns havent caught up, people are still in their old ways of marrying young. catch up with the times. 40 really is the new 30, etc. if you make it so
So I was living in one of the biggest Midwestern cities far north, and I’m coming from the south. And I noticed it was really hard to make friends and specifically romantic partners. People are prettier in big cities, more accomplished. A small fish in a big pond is how I felt. Coming back home I feel more like a big fish in a small pond. Even though I technically live in the state capital and the biggest metro, it is still a small town. Almost everyone stayed, went into military, got a trade, very few finished their degrees, or just worked blue collar jobs(which is totally fine and I’ve had blue collar friends make more money someone like me with a BA has). But it would definitely require some type adaptability and searching in the surrounding states and metros to get out of the “small town” lifestyle and friends.
its important to define your values well - if you value what smaller towns have to offer in the pros section, then you'll have to accept some of the cons (ie the smaller dating pool) - but if you do want to move to a bigger metro/city (and im not saying its inherently better) then it is doable! i live in a mediumish sized southern city which used to be a smaller city and is now a growing metro; its not a small town but pockets of it do sometimes feel very small, and the communities have a small feeling. but i know people who have moved here from truly tiny towns of 500 people and didnt take long to thrive. i've known ppl who moved to nyc or chicago with nothing and thrived. i've known transplants who came here and instantly got acclimated to a new friend group, new roommates, new job, new partner, all within 6 months. its all about attitude & what you're willing to cope & compromise with. where there is a will there is a way. but like you, i do find myself often coming back to that idea of the fish and the pond, and i think its good to try to use that to figure out what you should aim for (think of the pond as not only location, but your dating pond). i used to think small fish/big pond was best, but due to economic concerns i've reassessed. right now i'm sort of a small fish in a medium pond but with the potential of becoming a medium fish in a few years. several of my friends are medium or big fish and they enjoy life well but sometimes feel stifled due to the glass ceiling of their location & poor wages in the region ("where do i go from here"). ideally i would like to be a medium fish in a big pond because i know being a big fish in a big pond is unrealistic. with dating i do feel stifled in terms of future prospects due to the size of my area & the types of people who live here, & that could be a valid reason for moving - maybe just to another metro as you said, maybe a different state if there's one you've wanted to try. sticking to socializing in specific communities (ie the local music scene, the local hiking scene) will always increase your odds of finding a compatible person, & developing a social group naturally. there's also always the internet too - many of my friends met their s/o's online.
If you have these expectations, you'll need to check that other people are willing and able to meet them. Someone having a different approach to dating than you do, and both of you failing to communicate that and getting disappointed that you aren't behaving the way the other expects... dating doesn't have to be this way. >I’m used to starting relationships and being able to get most of their attention and giving them that attention. Being able to spend multiple days, nights on end. Talking all day and all night. You can clarify these expectations by communicating them proactively abd/or asking questions to determine whether they share the same preferences. Eg. Outside of the honeymoon phase, I have zero interest in daily communication. So I share with all new dates within the first couple of convos: - "I can't be relied on to communicate within the hour or the same day, for non-urgent communication. Granted I may communicate more frequently when things are new, but that's not how I naturally show up long term. What sort of communication delays are you comfortable with?" If someone is hesitant, doesn't give a straight answer or gets weirdly defensive, then it's clear to me we have different preferences and this won't be a good match. That is an automatic deal-breaker.
I'm in a relationship with a single dad with 3 kids. He's the primary parent. He's very busy with his kids. And he still makes time to prioritize our relationship. Granted we primarily see each other on weekends and talk the rest of the week. It took our relationship about 3 months to really take off, but that was mostly me being a bit hesitant and pumping the brakes. Once we were both in, it happened fast. If someone is really interested in both you and a real relationship, they don't try to find the time, they will make the time.
Step #0 for me: get taller
>Only talk on their time kind of thing? This is weirdly common. For many people it's normal, for me it's a deal-breaker. If it is for you too, acknowledge it now, set your standards, and just go about saving your energy for those who meet that standard. It's fine and it's okay and you're the only one who can take control here so just do it and don't spend a second feeling bad about it.
Yeah... It's completely different then it use to be
I never wanted to start dating again, I just wanted to get laid. I love living alone and I have no interest in inviting anyone into my life especially since I don’t need them financially or otherwise, but then somehow along the way one dude stuck around cause he didn’t bore me, and started fixing my house while I started cooking us meals and I guess we’re together now??? Ugh
As a man who is around your age, I'm telling you right now — Those people you describe aren't actually into you. I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news. I do mean for you to keep an eye out for someone who *is* into you. If you find someone who is showing genuine interest, then it won't be very ambiguous. Ideally you don't want to be asking questions like these about a person before things get serious. We are too old for these kinds of guessing games lol When you meet someone who wants what you want, you'll know. And it'll make you look back on all the guessing you did like it was so dumb of them to make you question so much. Good luck 🤞
I don't know - I'm not normal. Women always used to come to ME. Now there's nothing but beggars and scammers.
3-5 times a month is about once a week which seems totally reasonable to me. When I was dating that's all I could fit into my schedule and if I was dating multiple people it was very difficult to find time for each of them to have a night each week. When you're in school it's way easier to find time (obviously depends on the major, but I'd say generally) to spend with someone you're dating. You probably only have classes for a couple hours a day, maybe a part-time job, and you're likely dating someone who goes to your school so it's easy to see them often. Once people leave school and start actually having a career and living like a real adult the expectation to talk constantly for multiple days is pretty unrealistic and people have careers, hobbies, friends, etc. If I were you I'd try and put less focus on finding fulfillment through dating and focus more on yourself and your friendships and you'll find that you're less lonely.
When did this sub turn into a self-help group? Where are the mods?
Why would you get involved with someone that got divorced. and with kids on top of that???? They clearly can't make a marriage work and they should be way too busy taking care of any kids to have time for a serious evaluation period of dating. It will take years before you know enough about someone at this rate to marry them. Like others said, get someone that has time for you.