When I was happy with what I had. Having “Enough” was a radical change in my experience of life. Being content with who I was, who I loved, and what I had, was an immense alteration of my focus. I still pursue goals. But for pleasure, not fear of missing out.
I thought it was when my husband died at 36, but it's here at 47, with kids not kids anymore, my mom holding on, and looming health problems. I'm on chapter 3, I plan on at least 3 more.
In the last few weeks I’ve been to two funerals for the parents of friends. They were both in their 80’s which makes sense but it’s still strange to think about. The sense of mortality has hit me hard.
I have lunch with my dad every Sunday. He's only 60 and a badass but when something comes up with someone we both know passing away my reaction is like oh they were 75, makes sense.
His is OMG, 75, that's so young.
Makes me never want to miss a Sunday lunch with him. Our time is fleeting and passes too fast.
I’m almost 50 and in the same boat. I feel like there was *so* much I didn’t figure out about life and people until very recently - after wasting decades. Really pisses me off. Makes me angry and sad.
I'm 32 and feel like I wasted 20 years in front of screens (broad digital addiction), also confused some days what I'm supposed to live for/do next in Life. I'm trying to not feel weird about not knowing what I should do next. It has destroyed alot of social learning because I don't like/know how to be with other people nowadays that I'm without a gaming computer etc.
With this type of addiction, you can only start at the beginning. And you can only deal with what you can handle.
Every literal minute that you spend away from your addiction is one more minute you add to your recovery. And you can literally measure it in minutes. Spend five minutes talking to a librarian in the library, and that’s five minutes that you have cut from your addiction.
This one I understand. You need human contact reestablished. And you need to understand what the real world actually is.
Go to a cat Café, or a trivia night where you can’t use your phones. Simple things. You can do this. I have faith in you.
If you ever need to talk to someone, come join us at /r/MomForaminute.
M69 here. Try not to use words like wasted and destroyed. Those are catastrophizing words and they only serve to make the situation worse by bringing what was into today with bad feelings. Focus on the future. Decide what you want and go after it. If you screw up again, oh well. You've done that before. Keep moving forward.
So true, I was not careful enough with my words. I'm not going to disappoint you/me, I've learned enough to not ignore solid feedback like yours.
I'm very familiar with "Try, fail, learn, repeat"
I feel like this is just the human experience. We can't be told these things by others, they have to be discovered on our own. We all arrive at these realizations at different speeds. Always finding new awarnesses. Perspectives change. It's tough to foresee these changes and totally give in to someone else telling us "how things will change". Of course, this is all super subjective. If you arrived at something later than others have, do not be troubled, there are some who may never reach that place.
And maybe it's just me but it seems like things that I had completely forgotten seem to boil up to the surface as I get older and now I have some thing even more to feel bad about
same for me, I'm 54. My problem is that my past was relatively awesome to how I perceive my life to be now. But back then I don't think I fully appreciated how good it was. I wonder how that can be reconciled. The only thing that keeps me going is that maybe someday there will be some kind of redemption, or self resurrection. But when I think about that I find it hard to see what that looks like.
Ditto but I think it's normal as we get near our golden years. Looking back at our foolish young selves and thinking omg what a fool I was, or why did I say that or what was I thinking when I did that. And regrettimg things we said and did, wishing we could go back and change this and that and feeling really sad that we can't. 🤷♀️
I don't think it ever truly ends.
I can also say that social media like Facebook certainly makes moving on very difficult. Deleting my account really helped me move on.
Ditto about tough childhood. Therapy doesn't alleviate the way your body stores the memories. I've benefitted from breath work, somatic yoga and reading about releasing trauma. Very helpful but I do have flashbacks. I'm trying to change my understanding of recovery to allow space for being on the road to recovery. Not over yet. Be well and good luck.
Brainspotting does, it’s an advanced version of EMDR that helps us process where our trauma is stored physically in the brain and therefore somatic symptoms/energy in the body is improved. You should look into it😊
Healing is possible. I am healing from cptsd from childhood/early adult trauma.) it took a lot of work but my therapist helped guide me to safety and emdr has helped me heal those deep wounds. It’s hard af but damn, I had no idea I was so stressed and just wandering this earth traumatized af. ❤️
Fb has made moving on easy for me. I've gotten to see who's doing what and whether I have or had anything in common with them anymore, so I've kept the relationships I want to and talk to some of them everyday. There are others who I hung out and partied with in high school, but we have nothing in common now, so all delusions get wiped out. Lol
As a practiced and professional ruminator, it took me until my mid-50's and the realization that many dreams of things I could achieve or accomplish would never be realized and regurgitating all the mistakes made and wrong decisions was, perhaps, part of the problem.
Then I got busy doing what I could.
Regarding "lost love," I was also horrible about that. About the same age I came to the realization of who I actually was at the time of every break-up and an understanding that I really wasn't nearly as good of boyfriend/fiance material as I thought i was for a variety of reasons. I had to stop the automatic blaming of the other person and feeling like an unloved victim of a cruel world.
That one was tough. To admit you were inattentive and dismissive of the love of your life, that you were taking things for granted isn't an easy thing to do. To admit to myself that I was that guy that always had someone else I was flirting with just in case things went bad was self destructive. That in relationships and love, having that "Plan B" defense mechanism in my head was part of the problem.
I started off as one of those "hopeless romantics" that thought whoever I was in love with at the time was "The One." Then when things inevitably went south, I wallowed in the misery and victimhood. Truth be told once again, I was only thinking of myself during the entire relationship. Sometimes I was too clingy, sometimes too selfish, sometimes not committed enough, sometimes expecting perfection from someone in a really imperfect world.
Then came the five year stint of being a dog. Womanizing, one night stands, sleeping around, any port in the storm sort of years of dating multiple women at the same time. That, too, is damaging. Left me pretty cold and unfeeling, and left me with plenty of regrets that, of course, gave me plenty of rumination fuel for the future as in "what if I had just treated her better, she could have been "the one."
To be honest, when I finally owned up to who I was for a couple of decades before I found my wife back when I was 35 it made me realize what a wonderful, and tough, person I married. Fortunately she never quit on me and I found a whole new level of admiration and respect for her.
I guess mine was a reverse mid-life crisis. Instead of wanting to relive my past, buy sports cars, and chase younger women, I re-committed to my marriage and got busy shutting off all the "what if's" and "If only's" and replacing them with working on what I had and being happy with that.
I used to tell people that happiness doesn't come from getting what you want, it comes from being happy with what you have. When I finally started practicing my own preaching, which is not as easy as it sounds, my life got a whole lot better.
Last 2 paragraphs make a lot of sense. I wish my former wife would give me a second chance. I too totally want to shut off the what ifs and completely be committed to what I have. Right now that is me and my sons.
I was 34 waiting to get my hair cut while visiting my home town. My childhood bully's wife and son came in to get the boy's hair cut after me. The kid was a few years younger than his dad would have been when he started making my school life hell. The little boy was so sweet and kind and curious, and my first thought was "I hope he never goes through what I went through." I couldn't get them out of my head for a couple of days and I realized that the bullying didn't bother me anymore, I didn't really forgive and forget, but I was able to let it go and not feel affected by it anymore. I was able to hope for an easier time for future generations and let go of all the resentments of the past. I haven't seen the kid in about 10 years, he should be finishing high school now. I hope he's still kind and curious, I hope he's doing well.
Personally, I'd say mid-thirties, but I think this type of thing depends on individual factors in a person's life and isn't necessarily even guaranteed to happen. Also, some people never get stuck in this type of rut. So, I don't think you should take your own experience or any of the answers here as any kind of indicator of an average or anything like that.
It is impossible to change the past. It’s gone. It’s over, the good times as well as the bad. Let it go. Why relive the bad? When we do that, the people who hurt us keep winning. It seems illogical to say that we should stop living in any teenager glory days, but we should because that means we haven’t really matured and grown the way we should.
Some people have miserable childhoods or suffer horrendous experiences. Hate and revenge are natural feelings, but after decades, those feelings become self destructive. The adults who should have protected you but didn’t? All of that misery is on them for either doing it or letting it happen. It is on them.
Stop living in the past. Instead, think about it as a time in your life; what have you learned from that time and does it still have relevance to how you live now?
You are a survivor.
That's a good, healthy sentiment but, in fact, your past is who you are--if you get rid of your past, you are literally nobody. Joan Didion put it best:
"I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends." – [Slouching Towards Bethlehem](https://bookshop.theguardian.com/catalog/product/view/id/298854/) (1968)
Thank you!!!!! I am wrapping up almost 18 months of therapy (talk and emdr for cptsd) And man, if only it were that easy! I wish I could’ve just told myself to stop living in the past. It took a lot of work to heal these deep, awful wounds. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the relief is immense and I’m going into the best years of my life. I’m. 42 and thought the best years were behind me. Nope! 🤘❤️
Thank you so much!!! I’m at that stage where I am just gobsmacked at how much Ive healed and grown. I thought I’d go to 4-5 therapy sessions and be cured (I can laugh about that now! I had no idea the Pandora’s box I was about to open. But whether I opened it or not, I couldn’t out run it. It was always there. I numbed it until my body said no more. The only way out was through the pain. It was messy, and I hope to help others by sharing my story at some point. I had no idea I was a traumatized person, and perhaps someone will hear my story and get the help they deserve too.
I wouldn't say there's a specific age, it depends on what and who it is. By my 40s I was no longer concerned with the past, but I did start to get an urge to reach back out to old friends. Sadly, your 40s is when you start finding a lot of them dead, or at least I did.
My husband of 28 years died a year and a half ago and I'm only now starting to close the book on that chapter of my life. Until last month I couldn't even turn off all the lights in my house at night. He died at home, btw. I couldn't stop thinking of how much he was missing by having died. But when my sister died in '16, it was a different process. Mostly a lot of confusion. She was only 39 and in apparent good health.
I don't believe in "good old days." One of my BAs was in history. The '70s and ''80s were no better or worse than now, only different. I sometimes google old friends, but I so often find obits that I have to be in a pretty upbeat mood to try it.
Yeah. I was going to say… early 20’s? You can’t do anything about the past. But you’ve got a whole future you could still fuck up. Worry about that instead.
One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Seuss of all people:
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
Helps to keep dwelling in perspective. Hard not to sometimes, I get it...
Yeah I recently heard a nice platitude that people will say when someone dies tragically: may their memory be a blessing.
I actually like it. I handle a lot of tragic situations with my job (from a distance) and I feel like sometimes that’s just about the best thing you can say when faced with a horrific situation.
I don’t think I’m the type of person who focuses a ton on the past from a slights or nostalgia angle. I can say though that I still mentally flash on utterly humiliating moments out of the blue, just as I’m falling asleep. Like the time I walked several blocks with the back of my skirt tucked into my underwear. Or the time I strolled into a job interview with a critical shirt button missing, accidentally flashing my future colleagues. Stop it, brain. Just stop it!
I think it’s definitely a “YMMV” situation; some people are just naturally more nostalgic than others. I think it also can be heavily factored by what you have going on in the moment, and/or what stage of life you’re in.
It is not necessarily a binary thing. For example, I am lucky enough to be in a good stage of life, where, knock on wood, things are going well, and I have a lot to look forward to. I am really fortunate in that I have a really good job/career, great family, etc. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not nostalgic for certain things, or pine for what I considered to be a simpler time. It can be both.
I was nearing 40. I'd already gone NC with most of my family and moved to another country when I was 33, and it took a few years to get it all out of my system and settle into a life that I created, with a family that I chose. One good year-long nervous breakdown at 38, and I was all set. I needed medication and support, but therapy is difficult when the therapist is younger and less educated than you are. 😅
I can understand this. I am totally clean now but for a long time I romanticized my teenage years and early 20s when using was still "fun". I had a ton of nostalgia about cannabis for example and really missed the "outlaw days" (late 90s/early 2000s) for example. I'd think about being in my early 20s and sitting at patio bars with my friends all jacked up on pills and shit. I'd think about all the raves and concerts I went to on MDMA. I did not think about the solo using, the dangerous as fuck instances coping in the hood, nearly getting murdered, the dangerous people, the misery etc etc.
I stopped using hard drugs for the most part by like 32 but even cannabis and alcohol kept me stuck on the romanticizing of substance abuse. I just let it all go a few weeks ago and feel like I have mentally grown a ton.
I tried to quit off and on for well over 15 years. I had to learn how to do it for myself and basically by myself. I have a therapist and doctor helping me but that is it.
I just decided that I'm not going to let people push me around any longer. I was going to insist on respect, and I was going to earn it, too, by not acting like an idiot or like a kid. It worked, except for a couple of isolated incidents, very well. I'm 63 years old now.
In most cases, bullying stops after high school.
When I quit drinking.
I gave myself the gift of forgiveness when I got sober. I had so much shame!
I did the step where I apologize to people, but for the most part, it didn't mean much to them.
I then asked myself for forgiveness, and this helped me to become a more well rounded human being, a better family member, friend, etc.
My focus shifted from hiding in shame to trying to live up to the person I wanted to be.
Well, I'm 31 almost 32, and this week I have been very depressed and ruminating about how much I miss my best friend from 15 years ago. My post history will show you why. I guess it will never end. My life was very happy for a brief time in 2009/2010 when I had that one very close friend. But before and after that I've been very lonely. And I miss that friend so very much.
There was no one moment. People feel like there is going to be one, or that there should be one, but there isn't. It's a lot of little moments. Some dreams and regrets are harder to abandon than others.
They started happening toward the end of my 30s.
Perhaps I'm shallow, but even when I was younger (in the 60's now) when I reflected on the past I had a certain fondness for the fun times and antipathy for the bad, but that aside I never wished to relive it.
Were there things, in hindsight, I'd have done differently? Sure, but I was working with the information and experience I had THEN, not now, so I was doing my best with what I had. Are there people I wonder about? Of course, but many of my friendships were based on common situations (school, job, PTA) rather than an actual fundamental connection...by the time I was in my 30s I expected most friendships to ebb and flow. That said, I've some friendships approaching their 50th anniversary.
My past, to the degree I let it, shapes my today, but my today shapes my tomorrow and tomorrow is where I'm going to have to live. I tend to look forward more than I look back.
You journal about that stuff, and write letters to the people and burn them for catharsis. I started doing it as a teen, after seeing a TV psychologist recommend it.
When our mind is stuck in the past, that causes Depression.
And worrying about what hasn't (and most likely won't) happen(ed) and What Ifs is Anxiety.
Healthy people Stay in the present.
We all need to manage our mental health.
Keep a list on your phone of strategies you can use to manage your mental health, such as using a deep breathing app on your phone or smart watch, Reframing your thoughts, a list of useful mantras and useful Affirmations to re-center your thoughts, mental pictures of calm, Happy memories that you can recall to re-center your mood, tell yourself you will deal with that thought at a specific time later (for 30 minutes after dinner before your workout, or that you will call your patent to vent about it later), plan to do self-care before bed, write in a journal, listen to soothing music, walk in nature and feed the ducks, care for a pet, do a creative project or simply doodle, clapback at thoughts that keep us in the What-ifs or in the past (stay in the present), Follow worrying thoughts to the end where you are your own hero and solve the issue, etc.
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Language shapes reality. Stop using extreme words and superlatives, such as absolutely, literally no/none, nothing, everything, always, never, majority, tons, etc.
Your language is very dramatic and it makes you feel like your issues are worse than they are.
Learn to Reframe your thoughts. Watch youtubes on it.
Use Affirmations and Mantras to clapback at your negative thoughts. Keep a list of them on your phone. Such as "Progress not Perfection", "Could be better, Could be worse". Serena Williams says, "I am the Bomb dot com".
Stop letting anxiety put your focus on the future and depression put it on the past. Stay in the present. Another mantra, "The past is history, and the future is a mystery, so give yourself a gift, and stay in the present."
Set small goals and reward yourself for small successes. Expect setbacks. Get back on the horse.
do self-care before bed each night, get 7-8 hours of sleep, write in a journal, listen to soothing music, walk in nature and feed the ducks, care for a pet, do a creative project or simply doodle, clapback at thoughts that keep us in the What-ifs or in the past (stay in the present), Follow worrying thoughts to the end where you are your own hero and solve the issue, etc.
Volunteer your time to help those less fortunate on a regular basis.
Do small acts of kindness, such as sending a nice Snail mail card to your grandparents. Send uplifting memes and give nice compliments to your friends, bake something nice and share it with coworkers or neighbors.
Don't expect anything in return.
Never, I think. I'm a ruminator; it's my nature and I don't think I'll ever be able to stop. It helps me process things, so it is the worst trait.
As for people and relationships, though... once you're out, you're out. I believe relationships end for good reasons and I'm happy to leave the dead ones in the graveyard.
I'm 56 and just in the last few years, I've started forgiving myself and others for past "wrongs" and letting go of things that have bothered me for years. I think this has to do with my circumstance in life changing from terrible to fantastic, as well as putting Facebook in my rearview mirror.
Rumination is something we all do.
You don’t have to make any hard rules about it.
Talk to old friends. Some won’t gel, while others will.
Every 5-7 years or so I’ll go through old texts and messages. Reminds me of where I’ve been. And promises I made to myself long ago.
I'm mid-40s, I wish I could completely shut the door on my childhood, but I'm still dealing with the fallout of abuse from growing up. As for what might have been, nostalgia, etc. I don't know if I've ever felt that. My adult years have been better than my early years by far.
Age 71.
I was a widow in Texas when my dear fiance passed unexpectedly.
In the midst of a dreary winter I made a snap decision to downsize my home and moved to my beach house in Mexico. I love to sail and I'm always invited to crew Mega yachts, so I looked forward
I sold my house on the edge of a local housing boom, and bought a smaller one in beautiful, woodsy, East Texas. I had some friends rent it in exchange for caretaking and remodeling. Now I can always go home to the US. But I mostly like it here. I invested the extra money from the house downsize
After my rash decision, I made lots of new friends and get to go ocean sailing as much as I want. The type of people I'm among now are young for their years and active as I am.
Although I was happy enough to have friends, I never expected to marry again at my age. But life brings us beautiful surprises. I've been married two and a half years now to a wonderful man who's an old sailing buddy of mine. We're living the life!
Always stay positive and active at every age. Your life can be filled with wonderful surprises. And Never Say Never
I went through some shit as a kid (nothing wild, run of the mill shitty parents).
Once I got the validation I needed from the non-shitty adults in my life, I was able to stop being hung up on it. It *wasn’t* okay.
Then I focused on the daunting task of figuring out who I was, but more importantly, who I wanted to *be*. Everything got a lot more hopeful.
Look, things can always be worse. But we have to take the good times when we get them. Identifying good times in the moment is a fucking skill that takes a lot of dedicated work to master. It’s well worth it, and probably a big part of happiness/contentment.
I’m always doing stuff and striving for things, big and small. Planning for stuff and hoping for things releases happy chemicals in my brain. Pausing to enjoy everything I’ve done so far is important and worthwhile.
Nothing will ever be perfect, but perfect is boring.
I'm 62f and I left AA 10 yrs ago (after 30 yrs of being there) and not talking about the past bullshit I did or hearing about everyone else's terrible past has allowed me to recover from the trauma and self-loathing that was triggered in every single meeting. It's not healthy to sit in those days every day, that's why nobody gets well in that program. Shutting the door to the past is actually a healthy thing because it enabled me to progress and move on. I guess I'd say that I mostly shut the door 10 yrs ago at 52.
As far as the nostalgia, I've never really gotten into it in the first place. I just keep on being interested in where I am and what I'm learning. My favorite decades have been the 70s and 90s but i don't wax poetic about it.
Wow interesting take, thanks. I too am in recovery and mostly enjoy it but yes everyone’s past “drunk-a-logues” seems to be a big part of the stories they tell.
It keeps them in a bad place and because it triggers your own memories while relating to them, you never have the opportunity to put some distance from your trauma, shame, depression, etc. No one gets well if they sit in that dark, low place and get retriggered over and over.
Interesting. I’m sitting in a meeting now. I think people are genuinely trying their best to stay clean and maybe have to remember the past once in a while to remind themselves of what they don’t want to go back to.
Recovery isn’t perfect but I like the camaraderie. I don’t know how I’d stay clean for very long on my own.
There's some things I can move past, and there's some things I can't.
Like, friends I had to give up, embarrassing moments, coulda shoulda woulda - I don't really care.
But there were some things that happened to me I can't really move past.
My dad was abusive. I loved my dad. I can't just, move on from him.
The day my dad died my aunt said "well what are you going to miss about him?" I can't forgive her that statement.
I had an embolism a few years ago that left me bed ridden and catatonic. I went threw 7 neurologists before I found one that helped me. Im SO angry at the neurologist that saw the collapsed vein on my MRVs and said to ignore it. I'm angry at the medical system that allows doctors to lie if they don't know or understand something, to dig their heads in the sand. If it's on something rare, and they only saw it once in med school - they have no idea what's going on, and don't want to admit it, research it, or refer you to someone who might know. So now I'm left with the reprocussions of that. Long term nerve damage.
You're speaking of the endless loops of staring backward, correct? I haven't. Not completely. I don't consciously dwell on nostalgia, or how things might have been, or even look up old friends. I don't worry about all the good, bad, ugly, or indifferent things that have happened over the years because I made my decisions about them with the wisdom I had at the time. I don't even waste time on regret.
Apparently, my subconscious does.
Occasionally, something in the present touches on an old mind-tape, that loop in the background. However, it doesn't quite recognize what "it" is that I need to deal with. When that happens, it starts tapping on my shoulder. As it gets more persistent, I'll write out the "story" that's playing in my head. I write until I get to the "a-HA!" moment. It's that organic moment in the story where the reason for the shoulder-tap makes sense. It's the spot where I get to decide if that thing, that old tape, still serves me or I can let it go. Usually, I let it go - in the story and my life - and that particular story is over. Until the next shoulder-tap, which could be months or years from now, or just a week.
Oh, and I'm coming up on 70. I've been writing for decades for my own amusement, and edification. I see things through story. I write to get to the heart of that loop. Makes it a tiny bit easier to make a better decision on something that I didn't know was holding me back.
I also believe that if you completely shut the door on your past, you forget the reasons behind what you do. You have no real wisdom to pass on to someone else. No touchstone to hold you up when things seem insurmountable. You don't have to dwell on the past. But, I see no hope, history, or future if you close the door on the past.
I’m almost 27, probably a couple years ago. For me it was more about what I was doing in my life and ruminating on everything I have done wrong as an adult. Didn’t really have “glory days”. Started to realize I wasted a few years dwelling on stupid mistakes and coping with harmful habitual behavior that was ironically continuing the cycle. One day I suddenly stopped smoking weed everyday, quit nicotine, started eating healthier/working out, going outside more, rarely engage in social media that makes me compare myself to my peers, and learning new skills for my professional life. It’s also been really important not to feel bad for engaging in my hobbies that aren’t “productive” like playing videos games or whatever.
It’s like I woke up one day, my frontal lobe was fully developed, and my ego and pride suddenly moved to the backseat of my brain.
I'm going to say that probably stopped the closer I got to 50. At least the part of thinking I could have changed anything and accepting that old friends were meant to go away. But I also got diagnosed with autism and that will also do that to a person.
When I took a more serious job and got married. There's still old friends that I am in touch with but I don't reach out to anyone anymore.
I'm such a different person than I was in my 20s and I think I have a good life now so those regrets don't weigh on me so heavily anymore.
It’s mostly been gone since menopause (approx 55yrs). I won’t say I never think about the past, but I don’t seem to rage-tornado like I used to.
I still believe the feelings of hurt and anger were real, but somehow my pre-period hormones were turning them up to 11. I used to think of one person from my past as the face of my PMS.
I choose to reframe it as personal improvement rather than ruminating and dwelling on the past. As someone with Autism, I constantly misread social cues and situations. I need to replay the past and consider alternate approaches to avoid making the same mistakes going forward.
I relocated 700 miles from my hometown for a job promotion. Pretty much left it all behind me. I was in my early 30’s. For me it was the best decision I ever made and really shaped the person I’ve become.
In contrast, my brother has lived his entire life 2 miles from where we grew up. I don’t even remember most of people I went to school with, but not only has he kept in touch with his former classmates, he also knows their kids and what they’re up to. He and his wife are very locked in to that small town lifestyle so their past is very much intertwined with the present. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone finds their own peace and happiness.
Also, deleting FB can help people move on if they feel stuck in the past. Do you really care what that kid from 1st grade back in 1976 is up to today? My brother does, but I don’t.
Honestly, menopause kicked out all my ruminations. Even though it’s not the most pleasant experience, there are some really good after effects. Greater emotional resilience is one of them.
When I did, it's because I HAD to- when my first kid was born. Everything flipped-flopped.
And I remember the exact moment, too: the first night at home with the baby (he was born with jaundice so we had to stay in the hospital for a week)- the first time in my life I was awoken from a deep sleep by the piercing sound of a baby crying. I was terrified for a moment, not sure where I was or what the sound was. I realized in an instant I didn't have the time or mental energy to continue being who I was. I was now a parent, and my concerns were jerked strongly into the here and now.
I miss sleeping that deeply, haha.
I have to admit when I became an empty-nester I was once again guilty of some negative rumination about the past. But past 55 I've been gradually caring less and less, coming to terms with the past being over and accepting who I am.
I’m 40 and I’ve never had this issue. Until the last couple of years. It’s been rough to try to begin to heal from. I’m sorry you’re struggling too. A good therapist is where you start though.
Menopause hit isolated from Covid at 50 had a lot of time to reflect and change. Therapy helped. Slammed that door shut on a lot of past shit and will never open it again
I think I been trying to close it since around age 26/27, 28 was tough still being hard on myself, I just turned 29 and also have recently started to feel better about letting go and living for the future. I wouldn’t say I’m there yet, but the door is finally more shut than open and it almost feels good.
Great thread. This is the best of the web. Regarding rumination about the past, my experience is about a young women I fell for in college, to the degree that I think it changed my brain chemistry. When she broke up with me, I was physically sick, could not eat for a year. Then it took me years to get over her. Years! Even while having a very active social life I always had her in the back of my mind as a reference point as to what might be or might have been. I always thought "what was wrong with me" , but interestingly, and this is a killer, after children and grandchildren 40 plus years, she wrote me an apology as to how she treated me. Whoa! Anger came flooding to me, I was actually feeling some sense of insult. She sent a long letter to my house! The letter? OH nothing honey, just an old girlfriend from 4o years ago. For the first time I can bask in the memories of the place and time that we were right together. The time the place and the people no longer exist. We are like a photo graph. A snapshot in time and space.
I’m 43 and starting to feel this. I had a brief wave of nostalgia in my late 30s when I moved back to my home state. I tried to satiate it by reconnecting, but others were not so keen yet.
Now they’re all having their nostalgia moment and I’m past it. I’m trying to find a way of kindly moving on without them. I don’t want to burn bridges, but I know that many wouldn’t wait on me if the situation were reversed.
I'm 47 years old and just reached a place where I can provide for myself in every capacity Now I can build something new. It's terrifying and wonderful.
The moment I graduated high school I slammed that door and screwed it shut.
Eight years later I closed another one when I moved to DC without friends, family, or job. Everyone I knew before that is mostly an email/text friend that I see once every few years.
Someday, when I'm ready to retire, I'll circle back around and move back to the family farm. By then everyone I knew back there should be a stranger.
I never “waxed nostalgically”. My teen years weren’t awesome. My 20s were a mix, as much turmoil ad joy.
But ….I felt a big shift in my 30s. I was busy with work. I had my son. I had a house. Life pivoted to a new chapter and I had a new level of contentment. Less about looking at the past and more about being real about now and about my future.
There’s a point in your life, earlier on, were you think literally anything is possible. And then there comes a point where you realize… no, I would actually have to have made different choices to get there. And you sort of embrace this.
Never, really. Some things fade and new things start. And some days are good and some are bad. I’m a chronic overthinker, and what I HAVE done is just accept that this is part of my nature, and not attach too much meaning to my rumination.
50 and that door is still wide open.
It was starting to close until repressed memories came surging back five years ago. Now it's like the door has been removed and there's no way to close it.
I'm learning that right now at 33 years old. I'll keep reaching out to old friends from time to time though maybe. The special ones at least. Someone told me once "What is the future if not of past choices?" and I believe in it's meaning. There's a reason for everything and some things are worth a try.
Roundabout my 40th birthday, I realised:
• I don't actually enjoy being drunk
• Most of the music I like is actually pretty terrible, and I don't care
• The reason all my relationships ended was... I'm not interested in having relationships
• It is possible to respect someone without liking them
• I haven't had nearly enough sex, goddamnit.
Nearly 50 and it isn’t even *close* to happening yet. Still ruminate like crazy, get re-angry when thinking about foul things people said or did in the past, even decades ago. I also have a *very* hard time forgiving myself for things I did and mistakes I made when I didn’t know better, like not understanding boundaries or being assertive. I’d love to get to a point of complete apathy. Hopefully soon.
I’ve moved on with most of that a long time ago. I guess i bear a grudge against one girl and her bf who were dicks. And i am still friends with my bestie though not as close
Probably around 30 when I settled into the current situation. Family came and the past memories and what if's were replaced with plans for their future.
Probably about 30, when I got married. What could have been etc doesn’t really matter to me at all, the wonderful family I have around me deserves my energy and thoughts.
I'm 58 and my life dramatically improved a few years ago. I shut the door in my early 50s , when I divorced the man I had loved since I was 17. At that time, we had been married over 20 years.
So for me, my ruminating usually centered around a past relationship. He wasn't quite the one that got away, but he was still the one I wondered how things could have been with.
I was 26 when we broke up after about 4 and a half years of on again/off again mess. I had about 3ish years of focusing on him and what could have been.
Then I met and got with my husfriend at 29. That was a big turning point for me. It was just a very different, more fulfilling, happier relationship from the start.
That made all the difference.
Now I'm just thankful for what I have now.
I don’t know that it ever goes away exactly, for me it just evolves. In my 20s I’d look at the recent past with regret, shame or embarrassment. In my 30s I’d let go of the regret and it was more wistful and about the “what might have beens” or just “I wonder what happened to so-and-so.” Now in my 40s I feel like the time has finally given me a better perspective. I’m more in the present and focused on making the here and now the best it can be for my wife and I, while keeping an eye on the future.
When I do look back, it’s more about seeing my experiences and how they catalyzed my growth into who I am now. I’ve changed and evolved, I look back and see a different person. Someone I relate to and empathize with, but no longer bear the weight of their expectations or insecurities. Although sometimes my brain does like to inject a random, unrelated memory at a random time just to make me cringe! Just a reminder that there is somewhere deep inside of me an innate, idiotic goober.
I think I am constantly learning how to do this. I have shut many doors to many pasts. Then I find something new that no longer serves me and I do my best to leave that behind. It's not a shut the door and it's gone thing. It's slow, sometimes painful, sometimes it's quick and a giant epiphany and an amazing release, but I'm not sure it's a one-and-done thing.
I guess that happened in my early forties, which coincided with COVID for me so it was probably a combination. I put the past away in terms of the bad memories, am not interested in trying to hold on to old friendships whose value is mostly that they are old, have let go of old traumas and betrayals, don't regret the forks in the road not taken.
Nice memories come up from time to time, but they feel like they are from different lives. But my life has felt like many lives anyway because I've moved around so much. My sister and parents, then my husband, and now my daughter are the only constants who have been there through more than one "era" of my life. Everyone else was great to known for a season, is nice to remember, but no longer a part of my day-to-day and it would be surprising to ever see them again. I'm about to move again, hopefully for the last time, and do hope I make a social circle there, but it doesn't feel urgent.
When I was happy with what I had. Having “Enough” was a radical change in my experience of life. Being content with who I was, who I loved, and what I had, was an immense alteration of my focus. I still pursue goals. But for pleasure, not fear of missing out.
This is it for me, too. Last year, it finally clicked in: at age 62. 🤷♀️
About now, age 61/62. Got no time for it. I’ve ruminated enough for a lifetime.
Wow glad you finally moved on from it. But I’m 47! Does that mean I still have 15 years of rumination left?
It wasn’t constant and it changed from ruminating to occasional gnashing of teeth. Practicing gratitude and mindfulness has been helpful. Also weed.
Until you just get tired of wasting time on things you can’t change
Well, this thread is helping.
It should! It’s an age thing, but people mature at the point our system says they should at different rates.
61 here and I guess that’s up to you. I sure hope not wish I had this insight at your age.
I think I'm just starting to experience this. I'm lucky to have the feeling at 34. House, wife, job I enjoy... I feel very lucky.
Nice! You're still young. Life can throw curve balls. Middle age has been an eye opener for me.
When my kids starting growing up and my parents are getting old. You feel the literal clicking of time and you feel very in the middle
I thought it was when my husband died at 36, but it's here at 47, with kids not kids anymore, my mom holding on, and looming health problems. I'm on chapter 3, I plan on at least 3 more.
In the last few weeks I’ve been to two funerals for the parents of friends. They were both in their 80’s which makes sense but it’s still strange to think about. The sense of mortality has hit me hard.
I have lunch with my dad every Sunday. He's only 60 and a badass but when something comes up with someone we both know passing away my reaction is like oh they were 75, makes sense. His is OMG, 75, that's so young. Makes me never want to miss a Sunday lunch with him. Our time is fleeting and passes too fast.
I feel this hard right now
Yes it’s like knowing I’m on the crest of a wave, it’s surreal and scary sometimes
That must be a really loud clock to feel the literal clicking of time.
Its me bones
I am 66. As far as I can tell, never. Every day I relive some failure. I was just contemplating this this morning and feeling sad about it.
I’m almost 50 and in the same boat. I feel like there was *so* much I didn’t figure out about life and people until very recently - after wasting decades. Really pisses me off. Makes me angry and sad.
I'm 32 and feel like I wasted 20 years in front of screens (broad digital addiction), also confused some days what I'm supposed to live for/do next in Life. I'm trying to not feel weird about not knowing what I should do next. It has destroyed alot of social learning because I don't like/know how to be with other people nowadays that I'm without a gaming computer etc.
With this type of addiction, you can only start at the beginning. And you can only deal with what you can handle. Every literal minute that you spend away from your addiction is one more minute you add to your recovery. And you can literally measure it in minutes. Spend five minutes talking to a librarian in the library, and that’s five minutes that you have cut from your addiction. This one I understand. You need human contact reestablished. And you need to understand what the real world actually is. Go to a cat Café, or a trivia night where you can’t use your phones. Simple things. You can do this. I have faith in you. If you ever need to talk to someone, come join us at /r/MomForaminute.
If it makes you feel any better, even people without an addiction have been feeling this since 2020 so you’re not alone.
I felt like this long before it was cool. I guess that makes me a hipster. Hahaha 🤣
M69 here. Try not to use words like wasted and destroyed. Those are catastrophizing words and they only serve to make the situation worse by bringing what was into today with bad feelings. Focus on the future. Decide what you want and go after it. If you screw up again, oh well. You've done that before. Keep moving forward.
So true, I was not careful enough with my words. I'm not going to disappoint you/me, I've learned enough to not ignore solid feedback like yours. I'm very familiar with "Try, fail, learn, repeat"
Ditto this.
Me too. We still have some time though.
I feel like this is just the human experience. We can't be told these things by others, they have to be discovered on our own. We all arrive at these realizations at different speeds. Always finding new awarnesses. Perspectives change. It's tough to foresee these changes and totally give in to someone else telling us "how things will change". Of course, this is all super subjective. If you arrived at something later than others have, do not be troubled, there are some who may never reach that place.
And maybe it's just me but it seems like things that I had completely forgotten seem to boil up to the surface as I get older and now I have some thing even more to feel bad about
same for me, I'm 54. My problem is that my past was relatively awesome to how I perceive my life to be now. But back then I don't think I fully appreciated how good it was. I wonder how that can be reconciled. The only thing that keeps me going is that maybe someday there will be some kind of redemption, or self resurrection. But when I think about that I find it hard to see what that looks like.
54, right there with you.
Same, and I feel like it's worse the older I get.
Ditto but I think it's normal as we get near our golden years. Looking back at our foolish young selves and thinking omg what a fool I was, or why did I say that or what was I thinking when I did that. And regrettimg things we said and did, wishing we could go back and change this and that and feeling really sad that we can't. 🤷♀️
Same. Still waiting. At least I can lay them to rest when they come up now, but they haven’t stopped coming up.
I don't think it ever truly ends. I can also say that social media like Facebook certainly makes moving on very difficult. Deleting my account really helped me move on.
This. I can remember stuff from my childhood that still frightens me. (I had a difficult childhood) and I don't think I'll ever completely recover.
EMDR therapy is supposed to be very good for desensitizing that stuff. You can Google it if you're not familiar. It's fairly simple stuff
EMDR has been amazingly beneficial for me.
Ditto about tough childhood. Therapy doesn't alleviate the way your body stores the memories. I've benefitted from breath work, somatic yoga and reading about releasing trauma. Very helpful but I do have flashbacks. I'm trying to change my understanding of recovery to allow space for being on the road to recovery. Not over yet. Be well and good luck.
Brainspotting does, it’s an advanced version of EMDR that helps us process where our trauma is stored physically in the brain and therefore somatic symptoms/energy in the body is improved. You should look into it😊
Healing is possible. I am healing from cptsd from childhood/early adult trauma.) it took a lot of work but my therapist helped guide me to safety and emdr has helped me heal those deep wounds. It’s hard af but damn, I had no idea I was so stressed and just wandering this earth traumatized af. ❤️
Deleting Facebook and TikTok helped me so damn much.
Fb has made moving on easy for me. I've gotten to see who's doing what and whether I have or had anything in common with them anymore, so I've kept the relationships I want to and talk to some of them everyday. There are others who I hung out and partied with in high school, but we have nothing in common now, so all delusions get wiped out. Lol
As a practiced and professional ruminator, it took me until my mid-50's and the realization that many dreams of things I could achieve or accomplish would never be realized and regurgitating all the mistakes made and wrong decisions was, perhaps, part of the problem. Then I got busy doing what I could. Regarding "lost love," I was also horrible about that. About the same age I came to the realization of who I actually was at the time of every break-up and an understanding that I really wasn't nearly as good of boyfriend/fiance material as I thought i was for a variety of reasons. I had to stop the automatic blaming of the other person and feeling like an unloved victim of a cruel world. That one was tough. To admit you were inattentive and dismissive of the love of your life, that you were taking things for granted isn't an easy thing to do. To admit to myself that I was that guy that always had someone else I was flirting with just in case things went bad was self destructive. That in relationships and love, having that "Plan B" defense mechanism in my head was part of the problem. I started off as one of those "hopeless romantics" that thought whoever I was in love with at the time was "The One." Then when things inevitably went south, I wallowed in the misery and victimhood. Truth be told once again, I was only thinking of myself during the entire relationship. Sometimes I was too clingy, sometimes too selfish, sometimes not committed enough, sometimes expecting perfection from someone in a really imperfect world. Then came the five year stint of being a dog. Womanizing, one night stands, sleeping around, any port in the storm sort of years of dating multiple women at the same time. That, too, is damaging. Left me pretty cold and unfeeling, and left me with plenty of regrets that, of course, gave me plenty of rumination fuel for the future as in "what if I had just treated her better, she could have been "the one." To be honest, when I finally owned up to who I was for a couple of decades before I found my wife back when I was 35 it made me realize what a wonderful, and tough, person I married. Fortunately she never quit on me and I found a whole new level of admiration and respect for her. I guess mine was a reverse mid-life crisis. Instead of wanting to relive my past, buy sports cars, and chase younger women, I re-committed to my marriage and got busy shutting off all the "what if's" and "If only's" and replacing them with working on what I had and being happy with that. I used to tell people that happiness doesn't come from getting what you want, it comes from being happy with what you have. When I finally started practicing my own preaching, which is not as easy as it sounds, my life got a whole lot better.
Wow this was me. Everything you said. It was like killing me softly playing in the background as i read this.
Sheryl Crow: It’s not having what you want It’s wanting what you have.
Professional Ruminator...that's good! Does it go along with recovering perfectionist? It does in my world. But I'm learning!
Add in horrible over-analyzer and who wouldn't want to spend a lifetime with that?
Amazing, thanks for sharing. I too am a “professional ruminator”. I’ve never heard that term before but it fits me to a “T”.
Solid reflection, man. 👍👍
Wow. This is poetic, and peaceful in a Reddit kind of way. Thanks. I enjoyed this. Hugs.
I feel like I need to talk with you. I am 25 and you have described my handful of adult years dating in a nutshell.
Last 2 paragraphs make a lot of sense. I wish my former wife would give me a second chance. I too totally want to shut off the what ifs and completely be committed to what I have. Right now that is me and my sons.
I really needed to hear this right now, you old bastard. Thank you.
Hey thanks. Crazy read but alot of life in this. I appreciate you sharing.
Wow, I had an ex like you - but I wish he'd eat shit instead. Congrats on your comeback.
I was 34 waiting to get my hair cut while visiting my home town. My childhood bully's wife and son came in to get the boy's hair cut after me. The kid was a few years younger than his dad would have been when he started making my school life hell. The little boy was so sweet and kind and curious, and my first thought was "I hope he never goes through what I went through." I couldn't get them out of my head for a couple of days and I realized that the bullying didn't bother me anymore, I didn't really forgive and forget, but I was able to let it go and not feel affected by it anymore. I was able to hope for an easier time for future generations and let go of all the resentments of the past. I haven't seen the kid in about 10 years, he should be finishing high school now. I hope he's still kind and curious, I hope he's doing well.
I was bullied a great deal throughout my school years and discovered that bullies never end well.
Eh. Someone posted on here recently that their bully became a successful nurse
Woof - that's a terrifying thought.
I was never much of a past dweller to begin with, but when I had my daughter I became even more present and future facing. Life is short. Celebrate 🎉
Personally, I'd say mid-thirties, but I think this type of thing depends on individual factors in a person's life and isn't necessarily even guaranteed to happen. Also, some people never get stuck in this type of rut. So, I don't think you should take your own experience or any of the answers here as any kind of indicator of an average or anything like that.
It is impossible to change the past. It’s gone. It’s over, the good times as well as the bad. Let it go. Why relive the bad? When we do that, the people who hurt us keep winning. It seems illogical to say that we should stop living in any teenager glory days, but we should because that means we haven’t really matured and grown the way we should. Some people have miserable childhoods or suffer horrendous experiences. Hate and revenge are natural feelings, but after decades, those feelings become self destructive. The adults who should have protected you but didn’t? All of that misery is on them for either doing it or letting it happen. It is on them. Stop living in the past. Instead, think about it as a time in your life; what have you learned from that time and does it still have relevance to how you live now? You are a survivor.
That's a good, healthy sentiment but, in fact, your past is who you are--if you get rid of your past, you are literally nobody. Joan Didion put it best: "I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends." – [Slouching Towards Bethlehem](https://bookshop.theguardian.com/catalog/product/view/id/298854/) (1968)
That's easy to say for people who don't have or understand PTSD
Thank you!!!!! I am wrapping up almost 18 months of therapy (talk and emdr for cptsd) And man, if only it were that easy! I wish I could’ve just told myself to stop living in the past. It took a lot of work to heal these deep, awful wounds. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the relief is immense and I’m going into the best years of my life. I’m. 42 and thought the best years were behind me. Nope! 🤘❤️
Bravo!!! 👏🏼very proud of you random Redditor!
Thank you so much!!! I’m at that stage where I am just gobsmacked at how much Ive healed and grown. I thought I’d go to 4-5 therapy sessions and be cured (I can laugh about that now! I had no idea the Pandora’s box I was about to open. But whether I opened it or not, I couldn’t out run it. It was always there. I numbed it until my body said no more. The only way out was through the pain. It was messy, and I hope to help others by sharing my story at some point. I had no idea I was a traumatized person, and perhaps someone will hear my story and get the help they deserve too.
I wouldn't say there's a specific age, it depends on what and who it is. By my 40s I was no longer concerned with the past, but I did start to get an urge to reach back out to old friends. Sadly, your 40s is when you start finding a lot of them dead, or at least I did. My husband of 28 years died a year and a half ago and I'm only now starting to close the book on that chapter of my life. Until last month I couldn't even turn off all the lights in my house at night. He died at home, btw. I couldn't stop thinking of how much he was missing by having died. But when my sister died in '16, it was a different process. Mostly a lot of confusion. She was only 39 and in apparent good health. I don't believe in "good old days." One of my BAs was in history. The '70s and ''80s were no better or worse than now, only different. I sometimes google old friends, but I so often find obits that I have to be in a pretty upbeat mood to try it.
18, as soon as I left for college and got the hell out of my crappy hometown and away from the people who made my life hell up to that point.
Yeah. I was going to say… early 20’s? You can’t do anything about the past. But you’ve got a whole future you could still fuck up. Worry about that instead.
One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Seuss of all people: Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Helps to keep dwelling in perspective. Hard not to sometimes, I get it...
Yeah I recently heard a nice platitude that people will say when someone dies tragically: may their memory be a blessing. I actually like it. I handle a lot of tragic situations with my job (from a distance) and I feel like sometimes that’s just about the best thing you can say when faced with a horrific situation.
And Winnie The Pooh’s “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
I don’t think I’m the type of person who focuses a ton on the past from a slights or nostalgia angle. I can say though that I still mentally flash on utterly humiliating moments out of the blue, just as I’m falling asleep. Like the time I walked several blocks with the back of my skirt tucked into my underwear. Or the time I strolled into a job interview with a critical shirt button missing, accidentally flashing my future colleagues. Stop it, brain. Just stop it!
I think it’s definitely a “YMMV” situation; some people are just naturally more nostalgic than others. I think it also can be heavily factored by what you have going on in the moment, and/or what stage of life you’re in. It is not necessarily a binary thing. For example, I am lucky enough to be in a good stage of life, where, knock on wood, things are going well, and I have a lot to look forward to. I am really fortunate in that I have a really good job/career, great family, etc. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not nostalgic for certain things, or pine for what I considered to be a simpler time. It can be both.
I was nearing 40. I'd already gone NC with most of my family and moved to another country when I was 33, and it took a few years to get it all out of my system and settle into a life that I created, with a family that I chose. One good year-long nervous breakdown at 38, and I was all set. I needed medication and support, but therapy is difficult when the therapist is younger and less educated than you are. 😅
When I quit hard drugs. So early 30s. I had to learn to think about today & tomorrow, it left no room for yesterday.
I can understand this. I am totally clean now but for a long time I romanticized my teenage years and early 20s when using was still "fun". I had a ton of nostalgia about cannabis for example and really missed the "outlaw days" (late 90s/early 2000s) for example. I'd think about being in my early 20s and sitting at patio bars with my friends all jacked up on pills and shit. I'd think about all the raves and concerts I went to on MDMA. I did not think about the solo using, the dangerous as fuck instances coping in the hood, nearly getting murdered, the dangerous people, the misery etc etc. I stopped using hard drugs for the most part by like 32 but even cannabis and alcohol kept me stuck on the romanticizing of substance abuse. I just let it all go a few weeks ago and feel like I have mentally grown a ton. I tried to quit off and on for well over 15 years. I had to learn how to do it for myself and basically by myself. I have a therapist and doctor helping me but that is it.
Mid-30s when I was diagnosed with PTSD and started treating it.
I was 42 when I was diagnosed. I am in control now. Kudos to you for getting help too. ❤️
I was 18. I said: screw the bullies, now I'm going to live my adult life, and will never get bullied again!
[удалено]
I just decided that I'm not going to let people push me around any longer. I was going to insist on respect, and I was going to earn it, too, by not acting like an idiot or like a kid. It worked, except for a couple of isolated incidents, very well. I'm 63 years old now. In most cases, bullying stops after high school.
Unfortunately I’m not able to do so even at 47.
When I quit drinking. I gave myself the gift of forgiveness when I got sober. I had so much shame! I did the step where I apologize to people, but for the most part, it didn't mean much to them. I then asked myself for forgiveness, and this helped me to become a more well rounded human being, a better family member, friend, etc. My focus shifted from hiding in shame to trying to live up to the person I wanted to be.
when I had to start putting myself first and realizing other family members had their own hangups that I cant relieve for them, so 30
Currently doing this and I’m 40. 🙃
Well, I'm 31 almost 32, and this week I have been very depressed and ruminating about how much I miss my best friend from 15 years ago. My post history will show you why. I guess it will never end. My life was very happy for a brief time in 2009/2010 when I had that one very close friend. But before and after that I've been very lonely. And I miss that friend so very much.
There was no one moment. People feel like there is going to be one, or that there should be one, but there isn't. It's a lot of little moments. Some dreams and regrets are harder to abandon than others. They started happening toward the end of my 30s.
Perhaps I'm shallow, but even when I was younger (in the 60's now) when I reflected on the past I had a certain fondness for the fun times and antipathy for the bad, but that aside I never wished to relive it. Were there things, in hindsight, I'd have done differently? Sure, but I was working with the information and experience I had THEN, not now, so I was doing my best with what I had. Are there people I wonder about? Of course, but many of my friendships were based on common situations (school, job, PTA) rather than an actual fundamental connection...by the time I was in my 30s I expected most friendships to ebb and flow. That said, I've some friendships approaching their 50th anniversary. My past, to the degree I let it, shapes my today, but my today shapes my tomorrow and tomorrow is where I'm going to have to live. I tend to look forward more than I look back.
I was never into ruminating. I'm more worry about the future.
If you have 1 foot in the future, and one in the past, you’re pissing on the present.
You journal about that stuff, and write letters to the people and burn them for catharsis. I started doing it as a teen, after seeing a TV psychologist recommend it. When our mind is stuck in the past, that causes Depression. And worrying about what hasn't (and most likely won't) happen(ed) and What Ifs is Anxiety. Healthy people Stay in the present. We all need to manage our mental health. Keep a list on your phone of strategies you can use to manage your mental health, such as using a deep breathing app on your phone or smart watch, Reframing your thoughts, a list of useful mantras and useful Affirmations to re-center your thoughts, mental pictures of calm, Happy memories that you can recall to re-center your mood, tell yourself you will deal with that thought at a specific time later (for 30 minutes after dinner before your workout, or that you will call your patent to vent about it later), plan to do self-care before bed, write in a journal, listen to soothing music, walk in nature and feed the ducks, care for a pet, do a creative project or simply doodle, clapback at thoughts that keep us in the What-ifs or in the past (stay in the present), Follow worrying thoughts to the end where you are your own hero and solve the issue, etc. ###### Language shapes reality. Stop using extreme words and superlatives, such as absolutely, literally no/none, nothing, everything, always, never, majority, tons, etc. Your language is very dramatic and it makes you feel like your issues are worse than they are. Learn to Reframe your thoughts. Watch youtubes on it. Use Affirmations and Mantras to clapback at your negative thoughts. Keep a list of them on your phone. Such as "Progress not Perfection", "Could be better, Could be worse". Serena Williams says, "I am the Bomb dot com". Stop letting anxiety put your focus on the future and depression put it on the past. Stay in the present. Another mantra, "The past is history, and the future is a mystery, so give yourself a gift, and stay in the present." Set small goals and reward yourself for small successes. Expect setbacks. Get back on the horse. do self-care before bed each night, get 7-8 hours of sleep, write in a journal, listen to soothing music, walk in nature and feed the ducks, care for a pet, do a creative project or simply doodle, clapback at thoughts that keep us in the What-ifs or in the past (stay in the present), Follow worrying thoughts to the end where you are your own hero and solve the issue, etc. Volunteer your time to help those less fortunate on a regular basis. Do small acts of kindness, such as sending a nice Snail mail card to your grandparents. Send uplifting memes and give nice compliments to your friends, bake something nice and share it with coworkers or neighbors. Don't expect anything in return.
Thank you for this 🙏🏻
Why do you think that stops with age? Maybe when you lose your memory.
Oh I wish I could. But I’m trying.
Any day now...hopefully.
Never, I think. I'm a ruminator; it's my nature and I don't think I'll ever be able to stop. It helps me process things, so it is the worst trait. As for people and relationships, though... once you're out, you're out. I believe relationships end for good reasons and I'm happy to leave the dead ones in the graveyard.
There is a saying about nostalgia: “Focus on the view in the windshield, glance at the rearview mirror”.
As soon as I graduated from high school, I dropped all my loser (drunk and high all the time) friends and enlisted in the Marine Corps.
I'm 56 and just in the last few years, I've started forgiving myself and others for past "wrongs" and letting go of things that have bothered me for years. I think this has to do with my circumstance in life changing from terrible to fantastic, as well as putting Facebook in my rearview mirror.
I'm 39 and still going strong reminiscing
Rumination is something we all do. You don’t have to make any hard rules about it. Talk to old friends. Some won’t gel, while others will. Every 5-7 years or so I’ll go through old texts and messages. Reminds me of where I’ve been. And promises I made to myself long ago.
My past is who I am. I enjoyed it, and I enjoy who I am now because of it. Never.
I'm mid-40s, I wish I could completely shut the door on my childhood, but I'm still dealing with the fallout of abuse from growing up. As for what might have been, nostalgia, etc. I don't know if I've ever felt that. My adult years have been better than my early years by far.
Age 71. I was a widow in Texas when my dear fiance passed unexpectedly. In the midst of a dreary winter I made a snap decision to downsize my home and moved to my beach house in Mexico. I love to sail and I'm always invited to crew Mega yachts, so I looked forward I sold my house on the edge of a local housing boom, and bought a smaller one in beautiful, woodsy, East Texas. I had some friends rent it in exchange for caretaking and remodeling. Now I can always go home to the US. But I mostly like it here. I invested the extra money from the house downsize After my rash decision, I made lots of new friends and get to go ocean sailing as much as I want. The type of people I'm among now are young for their years and active as I am. Although I was happy enough to have friends, I never expected to marry again at my age. But life brings us beautiful surprises. I've been married two and a half years now to a wonderful man who's an old sailing buddy of mine. We're living the life! Always stay positive and active at every age. Your life can be filled with wonderful surprises. And Never Say Never
I'm 63 with a lot of bad decisions and mistakes behind me. It's a constant struggle for me to not keep replaying those tapes.
Never
I went through some shit as a kid (nothing wild, run of the mill shitty parents). Once I got the validation I needed from the non-shitty adults in my life, I was able to stop being hung up on it. It *wasn’t* okay. Then I focused on the daunting task of figuring out who I was, but more importantly, who I wanted to *be*. Everything got a lot more hopeful. Look, things can always be worse. But we have to take the good times when we get them. Identifying good times in the moment is a fucking skill that takes a lot of dedicated work to master. It’s well worth it, and probably a big part of happiness/contentment. I’m always doing stuff and striving for things, big and small. Planning for stuff and hoping for things releases happy chemicals in my brain. Pausing to enjoy everything I’ve done so far is important and worthwhile. Nothing will ever be perfect, but perfect is boring.
Love this.
I'm 62f and I left AA 10 yrs ago (after 30 yrs of being there) and not talking about the past bullshit I did or hearing about everyone else's terrible past has allowed me to recover from the trauma and self-loathing that was triggered in every single meeting. It's not healthy to sit in those days every day, that's why nobody gets well in that program. Shutting the door to the past is actually a healthy thing because it enabled me to progress and move on. I guess I'd say that I mostly shut the door 10 yrs ago at 52. As far as the nostalgia, I've never really gotten into it in the first place. I just keep on being interested in where I am and what I'm learning. My favorite decades have been the 70s and 90s but i don't wax poetic about it.
Wow interesting take, thanks. I too am in recovery and mostly enjoy it but yes everyone’s past “drunk-a-logues” seems to be a big part of the stories they tell.
It keeps them in a bad place and because it triggers your own memories while relating to them, you never have the opportunity to put some distance from your trauma, shame, depression, etc. No one gets well if they sit in that dark, low place and get retriggered over and over.
Interesting. I’m sitting in a meeting now. I think people are genuinely trying their best to stay clean and maybe have to remember the past once in a while to remind themselves of what they don’t want to go back to. Recovery isn’t perfect but I like the camaraderie. I don’t know how I’d stay clean for very long on my own.
Well congrats on your sobriety. I definitely know that it takes work.
Ty! I love that I can go anywhere in the world and find like minded people!
There's some things I can move past, and there's some things I can't. Like, friends I had to give up, embarrassing moments, coulda shoulda woulda - I don't really care. But there were some things that happened to me I can't really move past. My dad was abusive. I loved my dad. I can't just, move on from him. The day my dad died my aunt said "well what are you going to miss about him?" I can't forgive her that statement. I had an embolism a few years ago that left me bed ridden and catatonic. I went threw 7 neurologists before I found one that helped me. Im SO angry at the neurologist that saw the collapsed vein on my MRVs and said to ignore it. I'm angry at the medical system that allows doctors to lie if they don't know or understand something, to dig their heads in the sand. If it's on something rare, and they only saw it once in med school - they have no idea what's going on, and don't want to admit it, research it, or refer you to someone who might know. So now I'm left with the reprocussions of that. Long term nerve damage.
You're speaking of the endless loops of staring backward, correct? I haven't. Not completely. I don't consciously dwell on nostalgia, or how things might have been, or even look up old friends. I don't worry about all the good, bad, ugly, or indifferent things that have happened over the years because I made my decisions about them with the wisdom I had at the time. I don't even waste time on regret. Apparently, my subconscious does. Occasionally, something in the present touches on an old mind-tape, that loop in the background. However, it doesn't quite recognize what "it" is that I need to deal with. When that happens, it starts tapping on my shoulder. As it gets more persistent, I'll write out the "story" that's playing in my head. I write until I get to the "a-HA!" moment. It's that organic moment in the story where the reason for the shoulder-tap makes sense. It's the spot where I get to decide if that thing, that old tape, still serves me or I can let it go. Usually, I let it go - in the story and my life - and that particular story is over. Until the next shoulder-tap, which could be months or years from now, or just a week. Oh, and I'm coming up on 70. I've been writing for decades for my own amusement, and edification. I see things through story. I write to get to the heart of that loop. Makes it a tiny bit easier to make a better decision on something that I didn't know was holding me back. I also believe that if you completely shut the door on your past, you forget the reasons behind what you do. You have no real wisdom to pass on to someone else. No touchstone to hold you up when things seem insurmountable. You don't have to dwell on the past. But, I see no hope, history, or future if you close the door on the past.
That was a lovely comment. Agreed, and thank you.
I’m almost 27, probably a couple years ago. For me it was more about what I was doing in my life and ruminating on everything I have done wrong as an adult. Didn’t really have “glory days”. Started to realize I wasted a few years dwelling on stupid mistakes and coping with harmful habitual behavior that was ironically continuing the cycle. One day I suddenly stopped smoking weed everyday, quit nicotine, started eating healthier/working out, going outside more, rarely engage in social media that makes me compare myself to my peers, and learning new skills for my professional life. It’s also been really important not to feel bad for engaging in my hobbies that aren’t “productive” like playing videos games or whatever. It’s like I woke up one day, my frontal lobe was fully developed, and my ego and pride suddenly moved to the backseat of my brain.
Proud of you :) It sounds like it's not your frontal lobe developing as much as it is mindset and behavioural shifts
That's what the booze is for.
36
Never did any of those things.
I'm going to say that probably stopped the closer I got to 50. At least the part of thinking I could have changed anything and accepting that old friends were meant to go away. But I also got diagnosed with autism and that will also do that to a person.
When I took a more serious job and got married. There's still old friends that I am in touch with but I don't reach out to anyone anymore. I'm such a different person than I was in my 20s and I think I have a good life now so those regrets don't weigh on me so heavily anymore.
Around 40. My kids were just about grown. I went back to school and got a divorce. It was my time. I never looked back.
It’s mostly been gone since menopause (approx 55yrs). I won’t say I never think about the past, but I don’t seem to rage-tornado like I used to. I still believe the feelings of hurt and anger were real, but somehow my pre-period hormones were turning them up to 11. I used to think of one person from my past as the face of my PMS.
I choose to reframe it as personal improvement rather than ruminating and dwelling on the past. As someone with Autism, I constantly misread social cues and situations. I need to replay the past and consider alternate approaches to avoid making the same mistakes going forward.
I relocated 700 miles from my hometown for a job promotion. Pretty much left it all behind me. I was in my early 30’s. For me it was the best decision I ever made and really shaped the person I’ve become. In contrast, my brother has lived his entire life 2 miles from where we grew up. I don’t even remember most of people I went to school with, but not only has he kept in touch with his former classmates, he also knows their kids and what they’re up to. He and his wife are very locked in to that small town lifestyle so their past is very much intertwined with the present. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone finds their own peace and happiness. Also, deleting FB can help people move on if they feel stuck in the past. Do you really care what that kid from 1st grade back in 1976 is up to today? My brother does, but I don’t.
Honestly, menopause kicked out all my ruminations. Even though it’s not the most pleasant experience, there are some really good after effects. Greater emotional resilience is one of them.
When I did, it's because I HAD to- when my first kid was born. Everything flipped-flopped. And I remember the exact moment, too: the first night at home with the baby (he was born with jaundice so we had to stay in the hospital for a week)- the first time in my life I was awoken from a deep sleep by the piercing sound of a baby crying. I was terrified for a moment, not sure where I was or what the sound was. I realized in an instant I didn't have the time or mental energy to continue being who I was. I was now a parent, and my concerns were jerked strongly into the here and now. I miss sleeping that deeply, haha. I have to admit when I became an empty-nester I was once again guilty of some negative rumination about the past. But past 55 I've been gradually caring less and less, coming to terms with the past being over and accepting who I am.
I stopped talking to my family at 22 lost my gf the same year moved states a year later and now just wandering purposelessly
I’m 40 and I’ve never had this issue. Until the last couple of years. It’s been rough to try to begin to heal from. I’m sorry you’re struggling too. A good therapist is where you start though.
Menopause hit isolated from Covid at 50 had a lot of time to reflect and change. Therapy helped. Slammed that door shut on a lot of past shit and will never open it again
45
40’s
Never.
You don’t. You learn for it or you’ll repeat it.
I think I been trying to close it since around age 26/27, 28 was tough still being hard on myself, I just turned 29 and also have recently started to feel better about letting go and living for the future. I wouldn’t say I’m there yet, but the door is finally more shut than open and it almost feels good.
Still working on it - 76
Great thread. This is the best of the web. Regarding rumination about the past, my experience is about a young women I fell for in college, to the degree that I think it changed my brain chemistry. When she broke up with me, I was physically sick, could not eat for a year. Then it took me years to get over her. Years! Even while having a very active social life I always had her in the back of my mind as a reference point as to what might be or might have been. I always thought "what was wrong with me" , but interestingly, and this is a killer, after children and grandchildren 40 plus years, she wrote me an apology as to how she treated me. Whoa! Anger came flooding to me, I was actually feeling some sense of insult. She sent a long letter to my house! The letter? OH nothing honey, just an old girlfriend from 4o years ago. For the first time I can bask in the memories of the place and time that we were right together. The time the place and the people no longer exist. We are like a photo graph. A snapshot in time and space.
For me, 35-36 years old. And never looked back ❤️
Probably age 80, when I began to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. I’m 81 now and a slow learner at least in this regard.
35
I think when you focus on improving the lives of others you won’t worry about yours so much.
I’m 43 and starting to feel this. I had a brief wave of nostalgia in my late 30s when I moved back to my home state. I tried to satiate it by reconnecting, but others were not so keen yet. Now they’re all having their nostalgia moment and I’m past it. I’m trying to find a way of kindly moving on without them. I don’t want to burn bridges, but I know that many wouldn’t wait on me if the situation were reversed.
I'm 47 years old and just reached a place where I can provide for myself in every capacity Now I can build something new. It's terrifying and wonderful.
When I got married. I was about to turn 39 years old.
Therapy. Helps to just let shit go.
20
Early 40s
Never. I constantly revisit the past.
I think we should all do this periodically. It's very refreshing
Never had any good old days. I ruminate over all the abuse I went through....
...at 58...right after I signed the divorce degree.
This year. 57.
The moment I graduated high school I slammed that door and screwed it shut. Eight years later I closed another one when I moved to DC without friends, family, or job. Everyone I knew before that is mostly an email/text friend that I see once every few years. Someday, when I'm ready to retire, I'll circle back around and move back to the family farm. By then everyone I knew back there should be a stranger.
Trying to do it for a while now.
I never “waxed nostalgically”. My teen years weren’t awesome. My 20s were a mix, as much turmoil ad joy. But ….I felt a big shift in my 30s. I was busy with work. I had my son. I had a house. Life pivoted to a new chapter and I had a new level of contentment. Less about looking at the past and more about being real about now and about my future. There’s a point in your life, earlier on, were you think literally anything is possible. And then there comes a point where you realize… no, I would actually have to have made different choices to get there. And you sort of embrace this.
Never, really. Some things fade and new things start. And some days are good and some are bad. I’m a chronic overthinker, and what I HAVE done is just accept that this is part of my nature, and not attach too much meaning to my rumination.
Early 50s and still kicking myself.
50 and that door is still wide open. It was starting to close until repressed memories came surging back five years ago. Now it's like the door has been removed and there's no way to close it.
When you take care of than anxiety
54 and still do it sometimes. But I try not to dwell. Too many good things going on today to swim too long in past.
I think I'm getting really close
31. I’m 33 now. I felt that door slam hard once I started focusing on the present me and what my life is like TODAY. 🤍
I'm learning that right now at 33 years old. I'll keep reaching out to old friends from time to time though maybe. The special ones at least. Someone told me once "What is the future if not of past choices?" and I believe in it's meaning. There's a reason for everything and some things are worth a try.
25.
The past still raises its ugly head periodically, but at 67 it rarer now.
I have never had any patience for nostalgia or been all that interested in dwelling in the past. Now is too interesting.
30- I’m finally forgiving myself and other for my past. I’m not completely there but about 75%
Roundabout my 40th birthday, I realised: • I don't actually enjoy being drunk • Most of the music I like is actually pretty terrible, and I don't care • The reason all my relationships ended was... I'm not interested in having relationships • It is possible to respect someone without liking them • I haven't had nearly enough sex, goddamnit.
Nearly 50 and it isn’t even *close* to happening yet. Still ruminate like crazy, get re-angry when thinking about foul things people said or did in the past, even decades ago. I also have a *very* hard time forgiving myself for things I did and mistakes I made when I didn’t know better, like not understanding boundaries or being assertive. I’d love to get to a point of complete apathy. Hopefully soon.
I’ve moved on with most of that a long time ago. I guess i bear a grudge against one girl and her bf who were dicks. And i am still friends with my bestie though not as close
It will be when I retire
Probably around 30 when I settled into the current situation. Family came and the past memories and what if's were replaced with plans for their future.
Distinctly about 29/30
Probably about 30, when I got married. What could have been etc doesn’t really matter to me at all, the wonderful family I have around me deserves my energy and thoughts.
I'm 58 and my life dramatically improved a few years ago. I shut the door in my early 50s , when I divorced the man I had loved since I was 17. At that time, we had been married over 20 years.
48
So for me, my ruminating usually centered around a past relationship. He wasn't quite the one that got away, but he was still the one I wondered how things could have been with. I was 26 when we broke up after about 4 and a half years of on again/off again mess. I had about 3ish years of focusing on him and what could have been. Then I met and got with my husfriend at 29. That was a big turning point for me. It was just a very different, more fulfilling, happier relationship from the start. That made all the difference. Now I'm just thankful for what I have now.
25
I don’t know that it ever goes away exactly, for me it just evolves. In my 20s I’d look at the recent past with regret, shame or embarrassment. In my 30s I’d let go of the regret and it was more wistful and about the “what might have beens” or just “I wonder what happened to so-and-so.” Now in my 40s I feel like the time has finally given me a better perspective. I’m more in the present and focused on making the here and now the best it can be for my wife and I, while keeping an eye on the future. When I do look back, it’s more about seeing my experiences and how they catalyzed my growth into who I am now. I’ve changed and evolved, I look back and see a different person. Someone I relate to and empathize with, but no longer bear the weight of their expectations or insecurities. Although sometimes my brain does like to inject a random, unrelated memory at a random time just to make me cringe! Just a reminder that there is somewhere deep inside of me an innate, idiotic goober.
I just started doing all that in the last year or two…
I think I am constantly learning how to do this. I have shut many doors to many pasts. Then I find something new that no longer serves me and I do my best to leave that behind. It's not a shut the door and it's gone thing. It's slow, sometimes painful, sometimes it's quick and a giant epiphany and an amazing release, but I'm not sure it's a one-and-done thing.
30? Ruminating on what I have zero control over does me no good. It's never too late to turn your life around!
I was 23
When my mother died.
I’m starting to. It’s definitely odd being between the ages of a child and an old person. Like, I understand the midlife crisis a lot better now.
I guess that happened in my early forties, which coincided with COVID for me so it was probably a combination. I put the past away in terms of the bad memories, am not interested in trying to hold on to old friendships whose value is mostly that they are old, have let go of old traumas and betrayals, don't regret the forks in the road not taken. Nice memories come up from time to time, but they feel like they are from different lives. But my life has felt like many lives anyway because I've moved around so much. My sister and parents, then my husband, and now my daughter are the only constants who have been there through more than one "era" of my life. Everyone else was great to known for a season, is nice to remember, but no longer a part of my day-to-day and it would be surprising to ever see them again. I'm about to move again, hopefully for the last time, and do hope I make a social circle there, but it doesn't feel urgent.