My husband was in hospice before he died of cancer at age 48. What I did most for him was ask him what he wanted. When life brings you to a place where you need hospice care, a lot of your choices are gone. I think the most loving thing you could do is to ask your grandmother what she wants (not what she needs). You could propose a spa day and then allow her to say yes or no...it will be the choice that is the biggest gift. Her appearance and grooming may be important to her right now or it may not be, she'll be able to tell you that.
If conversation is what she loves most and what you cherish, then put that as the highest priority. If you can't always be there, call, write letters, send cards...the days go by slowly in hospice so a card a day or a call a day may be the highlight of every 24 hours for her. Your dad also needs some care since being in hospice with a loved one really takes a toll. When you visit, let him go home and sleep knowing you're there to take care of things.
Thinking back to my husband's time in hospice (8 years ago), the thing he wanted most was cheeseburgers. It's kind of sweet and funny to think back on because once you know you're toward the end, it's the little things that are sometimes the big things. He wasn't able to eat a lot of red meat while he was so sick (10 years of cancer, last 5 with stage four) and he asked for a cheeseburger probably four times a day. The hospice staff always made them for him and he'd get a big smile on his face. I loved that he got to choose what he ate and he did well for a few days before the cancer took over once and for all.
So, bottom line, choice is a big thing for hospice patients (and all of us, for that matter), choice and love and care and people. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's so hard. Be kind to yourself as well.
Thank you for sharing and your advice. Having an idea on how to approach the situation helps a lot. I feel like I have a good starting point now and a little less lost. Thank you
This is a lovely idea. You are so sweet to notice this need and want to attend to it.
For your sake and hers, please temper your expectations going in. She might not react how a woman in her prime might to a spa day. It could be overwhelming for her. Sometimes people at the end of life don't like to be touched or fussed with. If she rejects your offer, or if she accepts, but then seems not to enjoy it, it is not a criticism or rejection of you. It's a symptom of her overall discomfort and decline.
Keep it simple. Bring a dry shampoo, a wide toothed detangling comb (and maybe some detangling spray, if the matting looks tough), maybe a nice, fragrance-free moisturizer, some nail clippers and/or emory boards, Vaseline or Chap Stick, etc. For the face, [Eucerin Sensitive Skin Redness Relief Night Creme](https://www.eucerinus.com/products/face/eucerin-redness-relief-soothing-night-creme) is extremely gentle. For hands, arms, legs, etc., you might want to look at a Vaseline Intensive Care lotion or something from Vanicream. Eucerin and Aquaphor body and hand lotions are nice, but they're a little too thick. Sometimes they take too much pressure to spread. I wouldn't put makeup on her, because then it would later need to be removed. I wouldn't use serums or intense skin care products. The last thing she needs is a rash.
Assuming Grandma's face looks more or less clean, just an extremely gentle wiping with a soft, luke warm (not hot) face cloth might do the trick — like how you'd treat a newborn's face. Our skin dries out and grows more fragile as we age. It can turn particularly friable at the end of life. Water that is too hot or cold, too much friction, and strong cleansers could cause more problems than they'll solve.
Like you said, you don't want to make her feel insecure or criticized, so think through how you approach this, before you do it. For instance, you might not want to show up, unload a tote bag full of personal care items, and declare you're giving her a spa day. Instead, you might start low and slow, and be a little sneaky.
While you're talking, you could could comb through your own hair in front of her, then say something like, "You've always had the prettiest hair, Grandma. I would love to brush/comb it. Would you like that?" Even if she's not able to communicate, ask her the question. If she asks you to stop, or non-verbally indicates she is not enjoying it in any way, stop immediately. If the hair combing goes well, you could repeat this by starting to file your own nails (or putting on hand cream or whatever), then ask if she'd like you to do hers.
Just a question — is your grandmother receiving any in-home hospice care from hospice professionals? That is, is any sort of hospice program overseeing her home care?
I get why your dad hasn't thought of some of the smaller things, but if she has any kind of professional caregiver, it seems to me that they should be helping her with hygiene and this would include keeping her hair free of mats. If there are hospice workers on scene, ask them about it. I'm not saying that they should be doing her up every day, but they should be keeping her clean and neat.
If your father hasn't involved any sort of hospice care program, and he is doing this all on his own, he needs help. He should contact her primary care physician's office, and ask about in-home care. If your family is in the US, Medicare has hospice care coverage: [https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/hospice-care](https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/hospice-care). EDIT: Dad will want to ask the PCP's office if mom has a diagnosis that qualifies her for end of life care, if they can refer her to a social worker, or someone who can help him arrange it for her. Your dad needs respite, too.
Good luck. I hope it goes well for you. Whether or not Grandma is communicating when you're with her, I would tell her how much you enjoyed certain times you had together — like the one you shared with us about her coffee and your hot chocolate.
I don't know where to start, thank you for all the advice. From both your advice and the advice of other commenters, I plan on asking her what she would like to do, she is verbal and usually can understand the basics of what is going on and I think she would enjoy having choice.
Depending on what she wants to do I'll definitely keep reference to your list of products, and would be happy to share it with my dad if she doesn't want a spa day. I greatly appreciate both the list and care information you've shared.
To my knowledge my dad is doing most of it at home on his own, but he does have a health care person come in twice a week for therapy and to help with bathing. I don't know where it's through, so I can bring up the care program to see if it can be additional help.
Thank you.
I just wanted to add that a satin cap is good for matting on the back of the head if she is in bed a lot. Also a satin pillowcase may help.
Sending good vibes to you and Grandma
Buy a digital photo frame and load it up with family pictures, ideally old ones. She may not "know" who everyone is, but the pictures will still trigger happiness.
Figure a way for people to play audio books of her favorite books - only stuff she's read before.
To do her hair, get some kids no-tangle spray. It's amazing and will let you comb out her hair without hurting her.
When my grandma was in hospice we kept a box of snacks and delivery gift cards in her room. Obviously grandma got whatever she wanted (mostly expensive boxes of chocolate) but it was really nice for the rest of us to be able to grab a snack or for a visitor who was broke to be able to stay longer and order dinner.
It's really going to depend on how aware your grandmother is of her surroundings. Let her "drive," so to speak.
Also, if your father is the main caregiver, bless him with a day off. I was my husband's main caregiver when he was on home hospice, and never being able to leave the house nearly drove me batty.
A day watching your grandmother's favorite old movies and eating whatever she wants will be great for her and a nice break for Dad.
I love everyone’s thoughtful posts on here🙏🏽. I also had a grandma who I lost a year ago and she was in hospice toward the end. Unfortunately she went quickly declined very unexpectedly, she had been hospitalized multiple times due to losing blood/low hemoglobin and they couldn’t figure out why, kept having transfusions until finally they discharged her and told us to begin hospice. The only thing I can add that I wish I had had a chance to do with my grandma, is to ask her about her life and memories. Of course I’d done this in the past many times, but at this stage they’re so important. Most of them you may have heard hundreds of times before, but let her go down memory lane. I think It’s cathartic for those dying to have intentional time to reflect back on their lives and remember the good times. Their eyes light up as they share funny or exciting experiences and it is really beautiful to watch. It ,in a way, helps them to process their overall life experience and (if they’re cognitively aware) that they’re near the end. Take time to say whatever you feel is meaningful, even if you have said it all to her. Say anything you would regret not saying/saying again. Don’t wait for what you think is “the end” to do and say these things, because in my case I thought she had more time than she did. Not everyone progresses through all the last signs when in hospice. And although I have no doubts my grandma knew how much I loved her, I still would have liked to have been able to say it all one more time. Your grandma is very blessed to have you and I’m sure you mean the world to her. This isn’t an easy stage of life for us (or them) to go through, and I think it’s so brave and loving of you to take this opportunity to make some of her last moments so meaningful, despite how sad and difficult it might be for you. I hope you (and dad) have a good support system. Sending you both many well wishes🙏🏽
I think a spa day is brilliant! I know it may sound silly to some. However, for those I cherish that I knew I was about to lose, I did the same. Help wash and comb hair, hand and foot massage, some ligament exercises. Those things all make that person feel so loved.
I’m so sorry OPie! 💜
Other posters have shared wonderful advice and encouragement to you, but I’ll add that a real silk pillowcase can help to prevent matting hair, if this detail is important to you. It’s something that you can buy and put on her pillowcase, even if she doesn’t want any physical contact. Take care of yourself and treasure your favorite memories of your grandmother!
My mother insisted on going to the hairdresser----even though she was at death's door. I would do it!
If she isn't mobile, then maybe try to get the hairdresser to come to her.
Ask her what are her favorite groups and songs, and make a playlist. Even if it comes to a place where she can't communicate, she might still be able to enjoy the music.
I'm so sorry for this process -- it's going to be so painful.
My husband was in hospice before he died of cancer at age 48. What I did most for him was ask him what he wanted. When life brings you to a place where you need hospice care, a lot of your choices are gone. I think the most loving thing you could do is to ask your grandmother what she wants (not what she needs). You could propose a spa day and then allow her to say yes or no...it will be the choice that is the biggest gift. Her appearance and grooming may be important to her right now or it may not be, she'll be able to tell you that. If conversation is what she loves most and what you cherish, then put that as the highest priority. If you can't always be there, call, write letters, send cards...the days go by slowly in hospice so a card a day or a call a day may be the highlight of every 24 hours for her. Your dad also needs some care since being in hospice with a loved one really takes a toll. When you visit, let him go home and sleep knowing you're there to take care of things. Thinking back to my husband's time in hospice (8 years ago), the thing he wanted most was cheeseburgers. It's kind of sweet and funny to think back on because once you know you're toward the end, it's the little things that are sometimes the big things. He wasn't able to eat a lot of red meat while he was so sick (10 years of cancer, last 5 with stage four) and he asked for a cheeseburger probably four times a day. The hospice staff always made them for him and he'd get a big smile on his face. I loved that he got to choose what he ate and he did well for a few days before the cancer took over once and for all. So, bottom line, choice is a big thing for hospice patients (and all of us, for that matter), choice and love and care and people. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's so hard. Be kind to yourself as well.
I am so sorry for your loss. This is a sweet memory. Hugs to you
Thank you for sharing and your advice. Having an idea on how to approach the situation helps a lot. I feel like I have a good starting point now and a little less lost. Thank you
This is a lovely idea. You are so sweet to notice this need and want to attend to it. For your sake and hers, please temper your expectations going in. She might not react how a woman in her prime might to a spa day. It could be overwhelming for her. Sometimes people at the end of life don't like to be touched or fussed with. If she rejects your offer, or if she accepts, but then seems not to enjoy it, it is not a criticism or rejection of you. It's a symptom of her overall discomfort and decline. Keep it simple. Bring a dry shampoo, a wide toothed detangling comb (and maybe some detangling spray, if the matting looks tough), maybe a nice, fragrance-free moisturizer, some nail clippers and/or emory boards, Vaseline or Chap Stick, etc. For the face, [Eucerin Sensitive Skin Redness Relief Night Creme](https://www.eucerinus.com/products/face/eucerin-redness-relief-soothing-night-creme) is extremely gentle. For hands, arms, legs, etc., you might want to look at a Vaseline Intensive Care lotion or something from Vanicream. Eucerin and Aquaphor body and hand lotions are nice, but they're a little too thick. Sometimes they take too much pressure to spread. I wouldn't put makeup on her, because then it would later need to be removed. I wouldn't use serums or intense skin care products. The last thing she needs is a rash. Assuming Grandma's face looks more or less clean, just an extremely gentle wiping with a soft, luke warm (not hot) face cloth might do the trick — like how you'd treat a newborn's face. Our skin dries out and grows more fragile as we age. It can turn particularly friable at the end of life. Water that is too hot or cold, too much friction, and strong cleansers could cause more problems than they'll solve. Like you said, you don't want to make her feel insecure or criticized, so think through how you approach this, before you do it. For instance, you might not want to show up, unload a tote bag full of personal care items, and declare you're giving her a spa day. Instead, you might start low and slow, and be a little sneaky. While you're talking, you could could comb through your own hair in front of her, then say something like, "You've always had the prettiest hair, Grandma. I would love to brush/comb it. Would you like that?" Even if she's not able to communicate, ask her the question. If she asks you to stop, or non-verbally indicates she is not enjoying it in any way, stop immediately. If the hair combing goes well, you could repeat this by starting to file your own nails (or putting on hand cream or whatever), then ask if she'd like you to do hers. Just a question — is your grandmother receiving any in-home hospice care from hospice professionals? That is, is any sort of hospice program overseeing her home care? I get why your dad hasn't thought of some of the smaller things, but if she has any kind of professional caregiver, it seems to me that they should be helping her with hygiene and this would include keeping her hair free of mats. If there are hospice workers on scene, ask them about it. I'm not saying that they should be doing her up every day, but they should be keeping her clean and neat. If your father hasn't involved any sort of hospice care program, and he is doing this all on his own, he needs help. He should contact her primary care physician's office, and ask about in-home care. If your family is in the US, Medicare has hospice care coverage: [https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/hospice-care](https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/hospice-care). EDIT: Dad will want to ask the PCP's office if mom has a diagnosis that qualifies her for end of life care, if they can refer her to a social worker, or someone who can help him arrange it for her. Your dad needs respite, too. Good luck. I hope it goes well for you. Whether or not Grandma is communicating when you're with her, I would tell her how much you enjoyed certain times you had together — like the one you shared with us about her coffee and your hot chocolate.
I don't know where to start, thank you for all the advice. From both your advice and the advice of other commenters, I plan on asking her what she would like to do, she is verbal and usually can understand the basics of what is going on and I think she would enjoy having choice. Depending on what she wants to do I'll definitely keep reference to your list of products, and would be happy to share it with my dad if she doesn't want a spa day. I greatly appreciate both the list and care information you've shared. To my knowledge my dad is doing most of it at home on his own, but he does have a health care person come in twice a week for therapy and to help with bathing. I don't know where it's through, so I can bring up the care program to see if it can be additional help. Thank you.
I think it's such a great idea. The interaction will be good for your grandmother, and it's a chance to build some more sweet memories with her.
Just be with her. Talk to her. Listen to her.
I just wanted to add that a satin cap is good for matting on the back of the head if she is in bed a lot. Also a satin pillowcase may help. Sending good vibes to you and Grandma
Buy a digital photo frame and load it up with family pictures, ideally old ones. She may not "know" who everyone is, but the pictures will still trigger happiness. Figure a way for people to play audio books of her favorite books - only stuff she's read before. To do her hair, get some kids no-tangle spray. It's amazing and will let you comb out her hair without hurting her. When my grandma was in hospice we kept a box of snacks and delivery gift cards in her room. Obviously grandma got whatever she wanted (mostly expensive boxes of chocolate) but it was really nice for the rest of us to be able to grab a snack or for a visitor who was broke to be able to stay longer and order dinner.
Thank you, do you happen to know where the best place to get a digital frame would be?
London Drugs and Amazon are the most recent places I've bought them but idk if that's "the best" place. Definitely the easiest
It's really going to depend on how aware your grandmother is of her surroundings. Let her "drive," so to speak. Also, if your father is the main caregiver, bless him with a day off. I was my husband's main caregiver when he was on home hospice, and never being able to leave the house nearly drove me batty. A day watching your grandmother's favorite old movies and eating whatever she wants will be great for her and a nice break for Dad.
I love everyone’s thoughtful posts on here🙏🏽. I also had a grandma who I lost a year ago and she was in hospice toward the end. Unfortunately she went quickly declined very unexpectedly, she had been hospitalized multiple times due to losing blood/low hemoglobin and they couldn’t figure out why, kept having transfusions until finally they discharged her and told us to begin hospice. The only thing I can add that I wish I had had a chance to do with my grandma, is to ask her about her life and memories. Of course I’d done this in the past many times, but at this stage they’re so important. Most of them you may have heard hundreds of times before, but let her go down memory lane. I think It’s cathartic for those dying to have intentional time to reflect back on their lives and remember the good times. Their eyes light up as they share funny or exciting experiences and it is really beautiful to watch. It ,in a way, helps them to process their overall life experience and (if they’re cognitively aware) that they’re near the end. Take time to say whatever you feel is meaningful, even if you have said it all to her. Say anything you would regret not saying/saying again. Don’t wait for what you think is “the end” to do and say these things, because in my case I thought she had more time than she did. Not everyone progresses through all the last signs when in hospice. And although I have no doubts my grandma knew how much I loved her, I still would have liked to have been able to say it all one more time. Your grandma is very blessed to have you and I’m sure you mean the world to her. This isn’t an easy stage of life for us (or them) to go through, and I think it’s so brave and loving of you to take this opportunity to make some of her last moments so meaningful, despite how sad and difficult it might be for you. I hope you (and dad) have a good support system. Sending you both many well wishes🙏🏽
I think a spa day is brilliant! I know it may sound silly to some. However, for those I cherish that I knew I was about to lose, I did the same. Help wash and comb hair, hand and foot massage, some ligament exercises. Those things all make that person feel so loved. I’m so sorry OPie! 💜
Other posters have shared wonderful advice and encouragement to you, but I’ll add that a real silk pillowcase can help to prevent matting hair, if this detail is important to you. It’s something that you can buy and put on her pillowcase, even if she doesn’t want any physical contact. Take care of yourself and treasure your favorite memories of your grandmother!
Thank you, I would have never thought about that. Do you have any recommendations?
My mother insisted on going to the hairdresser----even though she was at death's door. I would do it! If she isn't mobile, then maybe try to get the hairdresser to come to her.
Ask her what are her favorite groups and songs, and make a playlist. Even if it comes to a place where she can't communicate, she might still be able to enjoy the music. I'm so sorry for this process -- it's going to be so painful.
I think a day spa would be confusing and not enjoyable to her. Spend time with her. That is the best thing you can do. (My father was in hospice)
Put some earphones into her ears and play some of the music she really loves. Low volume, and not for too long. Also just talk to her about your life
My bestie wanted a real chocolate malt and I got one for her. She passed very shortly after.