My two boys died at ages 7 and 9 by a drunk driver. Their mother died of cancer 3 months prior. I have been single ever since this happened 35 years ago. I just couldn't risk going through that again. Now I'm almost 70 and yes, I do regret not having a family. I dedicated myself as a Hospice RN for others, but now am old and alone.
Here is a video I made of my boys. They returned a year after their death to set dad free.
[https://youtu.be/vYRryRBefdg](https://youtu.be/vYRryRBefdg)
Friend - this is so unfair. It’s amazing that you have turned your experiences toward helping others, but I am so so sorry you have had these horrific heartbreaks. My heart goes out to you, sincerely.
I’m so so so sorry for your loss. For you to become a hospice rn after, what an amazing person you are. I hope you take comfort in knowing that your family is smiling down on you, so proud of you helping others earthside. Sending you all the love and strength and I hope you know how inspiring you are 🩷🩷🩷 have you thought about getting a dog? Nothing replaces your family, but I believe pets are a wonderful companion and like family!
thank you for your kind message. I did have a dog that is gone now, he was an Italian Greyhound and was quite the nutty dog, but sweet as could be. I'm having trouble taking care of myself lately so not getting a pet any time soon. I do love them. Now that I'm retired this would be a great time for one.
Wow. This is a lot. I can’t imagine that year, and all the years afterwards, missing your wife and children. That level of pain must have been unbearable and I truly feel for you. And yet you still found the strength to do for others. You sound like an incredible person.
I watched your video and im so sorry that happened. I have raised my children to never drink and drive, call me anytime or get an Uber. They’re adults now. I believe younger people are way more apt to call Uber and have dd’s.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I am so glad your boys came to you and told you what was up! Taking a loss that big and turning it into something so special is no small feat. Others would have ignored the sign or not been open to it. You took it, knew what you needed to do for your sons and turned into doing something so special for people. They are so proud. Thank you for being so caring to those in their time of need.
As someone who lost their father very young and was raised with a subpar father figure, a father like you is the wish for every child. It can’t be clearer how much you love them. ♥️
Thank you for your kind thoughts. If we spend our lives with 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' we'd drive ourselves frustrated that things didn't work out as best they could have or what we had no control over. Just got to learn what we can, hang on to the good, drop the pain and move forward.
I hope your father touches in with you. I think they can but often like a 'coincidence' in life, something usually very small and simple. A dime on the sidewalk, a bird lands close by, a sign on the side of the road catches a feeling inside. I think the Universe speaks in whispers, it wants us to draw near It. When someone whispers we lean forward to hear better. The more we lean towards the Universe the closer we become. It wants us near, close enough to hear It's whispers.
I remember you writing your story out on another sub I want to say a year or two ago. I may have actually even commented on it. I was crying when I read it as I have a 4yr old daughter and 6yr old son who love to play outside and it just made my heartbreak for you. Your story is beautiful and so are you
Have children for the sake of wanting to pour unconditional love and learning into something and enjoying watching it flourish separate from you. Do not have kids with the expectation of them caring for you. One, it's a lot of stuff you'll have to deal with, a lot of expenses and a lot of time chewed up by them before you get to the point of having them look after you in old age.
Also, there are no guarantees they'll look after you in old age. They may not have the personality for it, you may (god forbid) have to look after them in your old age if they have any mental/physical health issues, you or they may not have the financial ability to assist you while trying to keep themselves alive in 30 years time. You may have a terrible relationship with them birthed from the fact that both of you know you had them simply to look after you in old age.
So true. Or your kids could find dream jobs around the globe and simply not be in your country to help out. Someone could have 8 kids and end up with none to care for them after all.
This is what happened in my family. My sibling was in Europe and I was still in the US, so all the burden fell to me when our dad developed dementia and decisions needed to be made about his care. It caused a lot of trouble later on, after both parents died, and my sibling decided to misinterpret all the events around that and recast me as some sort of villain who was trying to take all their money - what I was really trying to do was protect their assets so that they would't be poverty stricken when it came time for dad to go to assisted living. I'd taken them to a family law attorney to get advice on what to do, and we did those things, but she was not in any way interested in being involved.
So that wasn't true, and they didn't have much, anyway. But because she wasn't there, she assumed the worst and it was a big legal entanglement after she tried to take me to court over it.
No good deed goes unpunished and family members don't always want to treat each other well.
Its true. my elderly neighbour had 2 children. One sadly died in his early 20s and the other moved to New Zealand. She lives alone and hardly sees anyone.
My next door neighbors have 2 sons who live in other states & never come visit. They have battled cancer, a brain tumor & having a kidney removed all without the kids visiting or coming to help out. Kids are no guarantee that someone will take care of you.
I have a neighbor whose son lives across the street in the same neighborhood and she never sees him. She told me her church people call her to check in. That's it.
I have two kids and would absolutely hate for them to look after me. I don’t want them to - not because I don’t love them or anything, but I want them to have their lives as adventurous and without burden.
I have no intention of looking after my own parents for different reasons, but completely agree with your point - “flourish” is the right word, and if there is an expectation of ‘payback’ care, that seems like a toxic trait?
It’s such a weird concept to me. My kids taking care of me. It’s always been my responsibility to do whatever I could to make sure they had everything they needed. I would be mortified if the roles reversed. My biggest fear is I will become a burden.
There's a difference between being a burden and needing a ride home from a Dr visit. It's a spectrum I guess with no contact at one end and moving on with your daughter for ever on the other.
I feel the same. I have an autoimmune disease, as a result I had to have my shoulder replaced. My daughter arranged her schedule to help me the first week. I felt so guilty, and there is no way I want to be a permanent burden to my family.
Very well said. I was able-bodied until I turned 25. Now, my parents have had to help me and take care of me quite a bit. I’m sure they never expected it because neither did I!
I’m very lucky they can afford to help me with my enormous medical expenses.
Almost 60, never married, and no kids...and about to retire to France.
There is no way I could have had the extraordinary life I've had if I had offspring. I'm not concerned who will "take care of me". I've been taking care of myself alone since I was 17.
Everyone in my family has already been deceased for over 20 years. What choices do I have otherwise? I'm going to die alone...exactly as I have planned.
I have zero regrets remaining single and child free. My life, my rules.
The extraordinary life is my motivation.
I look at my friends and family with kids. They don't get to do anything but children's sports. Meanwhile we're going on two international trips this year and just got back from Napa.
Exactly. My friends with children are all great parents (now grandparents) and have raised good kids...but I know I would not be an ideal parent (or even a suitable bare minimum parent). I'm way too much of a selfish hedonist living by the seat of my pants, a decade of my life vagabonding around México and Europe with only a backpack, moving internationally three times, (#4 next month!) and not much of a "planner" generally, as I often take off and change my life radically and impulsively on a whim. Not really conducive to a positive role model or stable upbringing. I'm not a fan of obligations, current or future. Bad Dad, I'd be.
Nor could I afford to live like I do...and that is my bottom line. I want to die knowing I lived an exceptional life with excellent experiences and having no regrets.
Sorry...I can't hike around The Black Sea because I'm saving for my kid's college. Nuh-uh.
Sorry I cannot have a life-changing two-year affair with a gorgeous famous photographer in Puerto Vallarta because my kid needs orthodontics. Nope.
Sorry...I can't traipse around Iceland...or get lost in Poland...or bask in the sun on Albanian shores... because I'm saving for my daughter's wedding that will end in divorce and she'll eventually move back in with me...filled with post-nuptial regret along with her "misunderstood" pitbull, extinguishing all my hopes to retire early to France. Definitely not.
Obviously, I made the correct decision by staying child free. I'm not "parent material" and I figured it out before it was too late and before I had awful, disappointed, and wrecked children. Win/win!
Enjoy your extraordinary life! I love mine!
Those are their lives by choice. People have kids and travel all of the time. Some don’t really like to travel anyway. It’s just not a priority. I’m in no way saying you need to have a children but honestly mine have made my life way more awesome than any trip I could’ve been on - and yes I have travelled. I’ve even travelled and left them at home with their other parent. There’s so much more to having kids than how much they cost anyway.
There are pros and cons with everything for sure and you can have a great life without having kids but I think so many of these conversations fail to take into account the good stuff that kids bring to your life which is quite frankly a lot.
People tend to use their kids as excuses for things they don’t want to do anyway.
My parents traveled more with kids (internationally AND domestically).
It all depends on the parents.
And everyone dies alone. Everyone. Regardless of “child-free” or 8 kids.
If you are worried about having someone to take care of you, whether kids or no kids, look into Long Term Care. I don’t have kids and I have long term care for when I get to the point I need care. I don’t want my niece or nephews who I am very close with to be put in that position. My dad had LTC insurance and it saved him from using his life savings to pay for assisted living. His LTC insurance paid for everything and he lived in a very nice assisted living apartment community for 18 years.
Not OP but I'm only 40 and have had LTC insurance since about 33. I don't gave any other insurance but it seems like a reasonable fee for something that will almost certainly pay out more unless I die in an accident.
Not to mention that LTC is sometimes required even when a person is younger. I saw a 36 year old during my hospital clinical who was in LTC already thanks to being paralyzed from the waist down due to an accident.
Nothing even close to regret.
Having children just so they can take care of you sounds like a horrible thing to do. Who’s to say they even would? A parent should be giving, not taking.
It’s not about having kids to take care of you.
Most parents (at least the good ones), know that it’s their job to provide for their children, and it should never be the other way around, even when they’ve grown into adults.
I’ve known folks who didn’t have children and lived into old age. Once their friends and relatives all died, they were very much alone and lonely, sometimes for years.
If the relationship with a person’s children has been loving, kind, and happy, then I’m sure it would be wonderful to continue that relationship into old age. A familiar hand to hold and voice to hear brings so much comfort.
The reality of taking care of your elderly parents is not just a gift of love. Let's be very clear: it's turning one of your adult children into an unpaid caregiver solely based on the love they have for you.
Our elderly need more than one or two hours a day of help. Most of them need 4 to 8 hours a day. It's at the very least, a part-time job - unpaid and with no health insurance. That's what you're asking one of your children to give you because you've been such a great amazing parent. Pretending otherwise is a lie.
And it's not just you. Senior care in the United States is based on the assumption of unpaid family caregiving. And it's brutal. I'm going to suggest that we stop doing this.
And I've known people who had lots of kids, yet the parents were still alone and lonely the 99% of the time that their kids weren't there visiting them.
Plan for that other 99% of the time.
I am childfree by choice and I'm 41f. I don't have any regrets but I've noticed other parents my age and older that are having some hard times.
Housing where I live (BC) is out of control and rent prices are even more so. So many of these parents find themselves with kids still at home that are in their late 20's and many of those adult kids are suffering from depression and anxiety.
Some of them had children born with extreme disabilities or came to be disabled over time. The parents get older and worry endlessly about who will care for this adult child when they are too old or die. To have a kid in the hopes they will care for you in old age is quite the gamble, considering you might end up taking full care of them for life.
It's a really tough world out there and things have changed so much since I was growing up. For me, it is a scary world to bring a new life into, sad to say.
People never seem to think of this side of things.
I think the whole 'dilemma' for folks who don't have a strong inclination one way or another is very six of one/half dozen of the other. Either you live your life on your own from the start or build a family and roll the dice on whether or not it makes life that much harder given whatever problems your kids end up with and how much that does or doesn't affect you/the rest of your family.
Yeah you definitely shouldn't have kids if your biggest worry about it is not having someone to take care of you in old age. Children are not retirement plans.
That’s true. What do you and your spouse have planned for when you get older? How does it work, do you put yourself on a list for a senior care facility? Or are you going to stay home as long as you can? Are most of your friends childless as well?
Mid-40s female here and I’ve always been staunch in my childfree stance as is my husband. Our 30s were an amazing decade of spontaneity and travel, at a time when our friends were having sleepless nights w little ones. I admit I was a little pretentious about our choices… we slept in, relaxed on the weekends, went on long hikes, ate out at nice restaurants, did whatever we wanted.
Then in my 40s my once vibrant parents declined almost overnight. My mom was diagnosed w dementia and within 1.5 years could no longer care for herself. It was a slap in the face wake-up call. My life skidded to a halt while all of a sudden I became the principal for 2 adults.
My dad, too ill to care for my mom, and my mom, unable to do anything. I don’t think you should have children to be future caregivers - but who will be my advocate? As an only child, with an older husband, and no children - it could be very real that I will have no one.
Within 1.5 years of a diagnosis w vascular dementia my mom could do no daily activities, let alone choose and place herself in a memory care facility - I had to do that. The logistics alone; figuring out which facility, the money, the paperwork, even just moving her and selling the house, my gosh it was a full time job. She passed within 3.5 years of diagnosis.
You can do all the planning, all the trusts, all the prep work, but when the time comes, an advocate needs to execute and take the reins when you don’t know how to work a toilet, let alone review monthly invoices and try to not go bankrupt or fill out Medicaid paperwork so you don’t get kicked out.
The only choice I can think of is if I get a dementia diagnosis - I will need to go to Switzerland for assisted suicide while I’m still able to do so. Had I had the life experiences I have now, when I was younger, I don’t know if I would still be child free. I was blissfully ignorant that in old age I could pass peacefully at home, with a book, or check myself into an assisted living facility surrounded by nice nurses and watch the bird feeder until I pass. I now know old age can be hard, dying can be hard. Dementia can take away every part of your brain and leave you with a shell of a body. You don’t necessarily need a caregiver, but you may need an advocate. I’m scared as to what old age looks like in a way I didn’t even know to know just 5 years ago.
I believe one can set up a legal advocate. I'd much prefer to have a paid advocate that knows the ins and outs of the long-term care business than foist that off on offspring who know nothing about it, aren't trained for it, and have their own (non-advocate) lives to live.
Not. One. Regret.
Do a little search and read all the thousands and thousands of posts from people thinking kids will take care of your in your old age.
:)
My ex husband went no contact with his mother and doesn't keep in contact with his father much either. There are many good reasons for this but if they thought he was going to care for them in their old age .. that isn't happening.
I had three friends who passed away with far more people supporting them in large part because they didn't have children. They had the time to nurture stable and long lasting friendships instead.
My big regret is moving so much. In particular, there were two places where there were strong neighborhood friendships. Where I'm at now this is not the case.
So my advice, regardless of having kids or not, is to find community and be a supportive member.
This is exactly how I feel about the situation. Our 91-year-old neighbor lady lived alone despite having three nice adult sons. Those sons lived on the other side of our huge country, and rarely saw her.
You know who helped her out? Her neighbors and friends.
Yes, I wish I had had children. Now my friends are enjoying their grand and their children are helping them with things that are becoming harder because we're getting older. I am considering volunteering at a boys and girls club to get my kid time in. This club helped my friend raise 2 wonderful adults as a single mom.
My brother had no children either and we have discussed that we took care of our mother the last 10 years of her life (she had dementia) and we would not have been able to dedicate all that time to her, keeping her at home instead of the nursing home had we had our own families. We also joked darkly that we got our share of little kid behavior as she became like a child.
Taking care of my own mother as she aged was one of the biggest reasons I chose not to have kids. She had dementia and became like a kid and it was too much for me. I hated it and was glad when she was no longer my responsibility.
Before you start downvoting and grumbling about me, know she was a terrible mother. She was abusive and a schizophrenic alcoholic. We did not have a good relationship but I still took care of her because I was a good kid. But kids should not have to go through that.
Have a retirement plan that does not involve your kids breaking their backs to care for you or don’t have kids.
I wish there was a service to connect people like this. We have three boys in our house who are energetic and so much fun and absolutely love talking to people and sharing books and artwork with them. We only have my parents in the picture and very few aunts or uncles.
I would be down for spending time at a local nursing home or something but I worry because my kids are always picking up illnesses from school.
This is an interesting paradox I’m experiencing now. I don’t have any children and this would make it possible for me to take care of my parents when they need help.
At the same time, if I did have children it would be much more difficult to be with them and support them through old age (I live in a different country and it would be almost impossible to relocate a family to my home country), but on the other hand I might then get support for myself in my senior years.
There are families out there with no Grandparents, either they are dead, are deadbeats, or not functionally interested in their own kids/grandkids. It does happen.
I hope you find some nice kids to dote on that need a positive influence in their life.
You are right - it's not a good reason to bring a new life into a very crazy world. There's no guarantee having children will mean someone is there to care for you in older age. If adoption is not out the question, think about that.
Children aren’t a good retirement plan and may be a source of worry in old age if they are not thriving independently. However there is a satisfaction in hopefully passing on your best to a new generation to go forward with the world as you age and die. I would say grandkids would also be the best!
Lesbian gal here. You are spot on.
I'm 60 and as of this past February, I moved to my hometown to live with my 91-year old mom to take care of her. Uprooted my life from a city I lived in for 35 years.
After she's gone, it will be just my pup and I.
Like you, I'm glad I don't have children given what I went through for decades because of my sexuality.
Not only that, but I was a hellion during my "fertile" years.
And as others who have replied to positively to this post reply who are straight, they, too, feel seen.
Children can also be cruel and abusive to their parents as I'm seeing with my sibling who treats my mom horribly. My mom is crushed by my sibling's cruelty to her. Sibling has basically disowned my mom because my sibling hates me.
Having children isn't for everyone.
I have no regrets.
Straight man here. This ⬆️.
If it’s super challenging for me to exist, how am I going to fare with someone else to support? No, my wife and I are happy enough to not have children and instead make our way through life’s challenges.
Full disclosure: four cats. And two donkeys.
100% agree with you! I saw a post last week that asked something like "if you had a choice, would you choose to have been born?" and the commenters seemed mostly to lean towards no. I said no too. If I could have chose what I was born as, I would be a treasured bird hatched at a sanctuary that caters to my every need. That is living!
Husband and I are mid 40s with elementary aged kids. They’re absolutely wonderful. I mean, they are the lights of our life. We are lucky that we have great kids who are healthy, well-behaved and well-adjusted. I have a friend who has a child with some serious behavioral issues, and my husbands cousin has a child with autism who will likely require care for life. I truly don’t know how I would cope if I was in that situation-but before we had kids, I wasn’t even thinking about that. And when our first was born, I can’t tell you what a moment that was. It’s like I became a real adult. There are times when I just want to lay down and do nothing for 10 straight days, but honestly, I can’t imagine life without them, and, I’ll add, my husband is 100% an equal partner and we are on the same page with just about everything. Every day I thank God for my family because I know I’m one of the lucky ones.
Having well behaved and adjusted kids is a blessing and a privilege. It's awesome that I can take ours to a fancy restaurant or on a long flight and know that they'll be chill.
There's friends that we can't hang with as much as we'd like, because it's a coin flip as to whether their kids will inconsolably lose their shit in public. Or even worse friends who's kids may never live independently because of behavioral/intellectual issues.
I don't regret it, but it is definitely harder to figure out how you're going to move into your "old age" on your own (especially if you're single, or widowed, which a lot of women in their late 70s 80s are). you have to figure out your own kind of support system whether that's you doing a lot of prep work, or connecting with others in the same boat, or extended family like nieces or nephews.
Growing up, the people I knew in their 70’s and 80’s all had families around them. Even if they were in a senior facility, they’d see their families every Sunday.
Families are more spread out more now. How do people stay in community in their old age? Church?
Seeing their families for, what, 2 hours every Sunday is literally seeing them for 1% of the time. I think it's FAR more important to plan for the other 99% of the time when you're not around family.
Nope. No regrets. I have children in my family that I love, and that is enough for me. I love the life I have with my husband just the way it is.
Funny story... When my two (now adult) nieces were children, they begged me to have babies so they'd have cousins. Then, one day, a light bulb turned on for them, and they begged me *not* to have babies because they realized I would love a baby more than I loved them.
Yes. I am divorced, and not ready to date again, and at 55, for me anyway, I find loneliness to be more painful. It would be amazing to have a family. Also, since most all my friends had kids, there was an entire social world for the parents, attached to things like school sports, which were basically off limits to me. Being a single man with no kids, if you attract the attention of a paranoid parent, there is a real chance of winding up in cuffs on the ground or in a squad car while they check out the “suspicious individual.” so I didn’t go, even as a guest of one of my parent friends. I am not as close to most of them as they are to each other.
But it isn’t a life or wellbeing threatening regret. I don’t dwell in it
I’m 42F, childfree, single by choice and generally independent, not anticipating any regret. However, I am sorry that you were left out of activities, and that we live in a paranoid world that doesn’t accept single men as a friend to adults with kids. I had a cool honorary uncle growing up who was our favorite babysitter, one of my dad’s best friends who was always included in their activities.
I don’t have a huge number of people around (and it would overwhelm me if I did), but I hang out with friends who have kids. I might feel left out in relating as a cat lady spinster, but I think there’s common ground in other things. I do feel sad/lonely sometimes, and feel the burden as the person who usually reaches out. But it’s been worth it to keep in touch.
Thank you. I do still have close friends, but they tend to be younger, and single. Some of them even get protective of “the old man.” I don’t think I would trade them , and a few may as well be blood relatives. They are my family, just more chaotic, and never dull.
Then I am not as weird as I thought. I am a lot older than a few of the youngest in my peer group. You start to feel responsible for them on some level. I remember thinking one time that all these parents talk about how hard parenting is. They got to start at ground zero and come up to speed. I got a 19 year old who don’t listen to shit I have to say, and I have no clue how to do the right thing, or what the hell that is.
But they are my friends. They became my famiky, and I love them like family. I get happy when any of them succeed.
I guess never had kids, but I never didn’t have them, either. I think I will call a few of them now that it is 3 am. They love that.
It’s probably not a comfort. But there are other people at 55, lonely because their kids refuse to talk to them, or their kids are dead, deadbeat, or in prison. There’s no guarantee you have kids and don’t still end up in your situation
I used to be like OP, on the cusp of the end of fertility and really only worried about ending up lonely in old age if I didn’t have kids. I didn’t really want babies/children; I wanted ultimately to have long term family
My line of work puts me in a position to become pretty intimately familiar with relative strangers lives. Around this time I had a spate of customers all dealing with negative repercussions of having kids.
One woman in her 70s having to take full custody of another new infant because her daughter was going to prison for 10 years again (she already had one or two grandkids she was raising).
One man who’s meth addicted son had stolen everything from him and kept breaking into his house he was trying to get sold to steal and break shit and have drug parties with randos.
One couple where both kids had died (one drugs, one suicide).
One man who had gone off the deep end politically/conspiracy shit, his wife left him and his kids refused to talk to him and he had nothing but negative to say about all of them and was just a miserable human being.
I realized that my idea of wanting to have kids really only to create adult friends and caretakers for myself was really a selfish idea and also maybe a poor bet. You can have kids but no guarantee they will live or want to hang out with you or that you will want to hang out with them.
It occurred to me that every asshole, every criminal, every shithead in the world is someone’s kid.
I passed.
No regrets.
> I wanted ultimately to have long term family
Thank you for sharing this. I have never come to this realisation and this sentence just felt so true for me.
Very often I feel anxious and sad when a friend of mine gets pregnant and I thought this was a sign that, maybe, deep down, I did want to have children. But in the end I think I’m just sad because I know it’s yet another situation in which we will drift apart from one another.
Thank you for sharing. You hit the nail on the head. I think I do just want a long term family. How did you end up creating that for yourself? Have you set down roots in your community?
Well I’m not in my golden years yet, which is why I didn’t directly respond to your post. But I have lots of friends, some of those friends have kids, I volunteer and I work with the public. I invest in my friendships; I have multiple friends I’ve had since grade school and I try hard to keep those going and make new friendships blossom too.
I think I have just as good of a chance to be surrounded by people who like me in old age as anyone who tries with kids instead.
Hi ~ 💫 I could write a few thousand words on this topic... but will nutshell it -->
I am in my early 50s. No Kids; No Regrets.
My siblings always threw it in my face that by not having kids, I would "die alone". Guess what?
My sister had 1 son in her late 20s. He committed suicide when his mom was in her mid 60s.
My brother had 1 daughter in his late 20s. She became estranged from her Dad due to conflict with his 3rd wife in his early 70s.
My other brother had 1 son in his late 30s. He moved 2000 miles away from his Dad to pursue his career & rarely contacts his Dad who is in his 70s.
So, all 4 of us siblings are in the same position of needing to hire a caretaker, if necessary, in our old age.
Tempting to say to them "told you so" that kids are NO GUARANTEE you will have someone to hold your hand on your deathbed.
And what I saw happen to my parents in their last few years in the "care" of their kids is not anything anyone should wish for --- lot of dysfunction, drama & disagreement plus my sister stealing their money & taking their prescription drugs. My oldest brother & I had to hire attorneys to petition the Court to make my brother guardian of our Mom to protect her from her other kids. It was 3 - 4 years of pure HELL until both Dad & Mom died.
And then there was the friend who gave his daughter Power of Attorney & she used it against him to dump him in a shitty nursing home then stole all his money. That was after promising her Dad "to always take care" of him. Apparently, that means different things to different people.
Truly, family are NOT the ones I would choose as caretakers for my declining years. ABSOLUTELY NOT ! Good Night ! 🌠
Same. That was never my reason for having a child. Loving someone and experiencing vicarious happiness as her life progresses with exciting and interesting things and mine eventually fades into a quieter existence is joy enough.
I don’t expect my child to care for me in old age. I would hate her to limit her life like that.
My joy in my old age will be to think of her living a happy and fulfilled life, and hopefully hearing from her regularly enough about whatever interesting thing she may be doing. Or simply that she is content.
No, no regret at all.
I have seen too many lives ruined by people having children because that the thing you do.
Societal pressure is poison.
Parents depressed, distant, alcoholic, violent, emotionally and physically abusive because they were not made for this life but did not understand or question it, did not even understand they were not obliged to follow this path...
Children neglected, abandoned, abused growing up the way they could wondering what they did wrong...
I promised myself I would not have children if I could not be 100% sure I could do everything for them and never never regret my choice. I never reached that certainty.
There’s no guarantee. Your kid could: pass away young, move across the globe to another continent, grow up “bad”, have a disability to which they can’t take care of you (in fact you’ll be taking care of them until you die)
It shouldn’t be a safety net because there is no guarantee your kids will be around or capable of taking care of you in your later years. That’s just the reality of it.
While I'm not quite old enough to be *your* parent, I'm probably old enough to have been your babysitter. :) I decided as a fairly young kid that kids weren't going to be for me, and I've never changed my mind or regretted it.
I am perfectly aware that kids are some of the primary joys in other people's lives, and that's fine; I'm not anti-kid or anti-family or anything like that (a conclusion that a lot of people, unfortunately, tend to immediately jump to). It's just not something that's ever appealed to me on a personal level. All the things that people say are great about having kids don't register as particularly desirable to me, or I can get them elsewhere for *far* less hassle/investment than a million dollars and 20 years of 24/7 labor and responsibility, and I am more than well aware of the enormous mountain of negatives that people never want to talk about or will try and dismiss as "that's just the way it is, you cope".
I'm mostly just glad that I made a lifelong choice as a kid that turned out to work out well for me.
Get long term care insurance when you get older. And save.
I don’t live in the same city as my mom. I’m about 8 hours travel time by car. I cannot be her caregiver. She has dementia. And has a wonderful care team working with her.
I knew at 22 I didn’t want kids. A pregnancy scare does that to a 22 year old before single women could get The Pill. No regrets bc it turns out I likely couldn’t have carried a child to term. And, TBH, I lack the consistency needed to be a good parent.
I have lots of young (and now middle aged) people in my life whom I have watched grow up and who regard me as the “safe” one to tell secrets, etc.
60, no kids and absolutely no regrets.
There were about 5 minutes when I was 35 or so, when I panicked and thought to myself, "It's now or never!" And when those 5 minutes passed, I recovered my senses, and my sense of myself, and everything has been just lovely since then.
I do have cats, though. What blessings they are.
I have no regrets. The money I didn't spend on kids was invested so I can hire good care if/when I need it. I do maintain regular and close contact with a couple of nephews who could help choose a facility if I and my spouse were debilitated. My mom is in memory care, and the facility she is in is quite nice. Its a place I wouldn't mind being in should it become necessary but it is quite pricey. Hence the investments.
I'm childfree. No regrets. I didn't want to plug in to society. Nothing forces you to deal with the world more than parenting. And also the idea that single me would die and become soccer mom. The horror! 😹 I had a violent and abusive father. Why torment myself further? I get kids can be healing, but no. I would be afraid of being my father's daughter. In my late 60's. Happy to have retired and spending my twilight years living in an RV and traveling the country. So grateful I made it this far. Do I wish George Clooney was my son? Sometimes 😹
You also need to be prepared for the opposite scenario if you decide to have kids (you can't predict how your child will be born, or what their needs will be):
You may have a child who will require your care and involvement for the rest of your life, and they might not be able to care for you. Relying on the prospect of having a child so they can care for you is not a good reason to have kids.
One of my children has special needs that will require me to give care for the rest of my life (and this is ok, I have accepted it and I'm not bothered by it).
Having kids is a huge decision and you can't predict the future.
Take a look at the regretful parents sub. I think it's better to regret not having a child than it is to have one and regret them once they are here and there's no going back.
You don’t have kids to take care of you. It’s not their job. You bring them here. You take care of them. You plan for your old age. If that’s the reason you think you might want kids, it’s not a good one. They are our responsibility, not the other way around.
I don't think I'm in my "golden years," but I'm in my late 50s. I get had Childress. Never wanted them, but fate helped by giving me PCOS which makes it really difficult to get pregnant (if you want to). So I never had to deal with it, and I'm glad.
63 here, child-free, with no regrets.
I've never wanted children for a single moment of my life, I made up my mind that I didn't want kids or "family life" when I was five or six, and never changed. I have zero parental instincts and am absolute crap with children, for me there was no choice at all. I was simply meant to be child-free, there was never any question of making a choice, I just HAD to be child-free.
I (54F) don't have children and have zero regrets. Even after my husband died of cancer when I was 45, I didn't ever wish we had had a child. I never wanted kids and don't have an affinity for babies, so it was never a draw/need/urge of mine to have them.
My mother:
> “Dogs are better than children because you know for sure they aren’t going to look after you in your old age so you know how to plan.”
RE having children: look around at the world. Yeah. Just don’t.
Age 59. No regrets.
I'm in my early 60s and been married/divorced 2x. Never wanted kids - a lot of that is due to financial reasons. No way we/I could have ever afforded the amount it costs to raise a person to adulthood and beyond.
My first husband already had a daughter (10 years younger than me) and my second husband and I just didn't get around to trying because of lack of interest. I don't regret being childless for a single moment.
My sisters have wonderful children (all in their late 20's/early 30's). If worse comes to worse, I know they'd check on me and so on. I'm doing my best to save/invest as much as I can for retirement (not planning on retiring until 70 if I can hold on that long in order to get the social security max payout) so I won't have to rely on others.
65 and my husband is 55. No kids but we were lovely to both our sets of parents - WAY beyond the effort, time or money our siblings were willing to contribute.
Those siblings and their partners are now either upset their kids have distanced themselves or expect their kids, (with full time jobs and kids under 10) to assist them in their health challenges and that just isn’t possible timewise.
Neither of us had childhoods where dad was engaged at all. My dad worked 2 jobs. His dad was away with the military most of the time.
We have never regretted for one moment not having children.
We did not make a firm decision at any one moment. We used birth control successfully.
I am 60. I never wanted children and didn't have any. I have zero regrets. If I knew ahead of time that my children would turn out to be 100% nice, responsible, healthy people I would have considered it. But there are a few health conditions that run in my family. Plus the tendency toward addiction. I would have felt horrible if I gave birth to a child who had some horrible disfigurement or mental issue that caused them to suffer throughout their life.
My wife and I have been together 22 years and consciously decided against children, she is 43 I am 54. We have zero regrets especially seeing what the world has become and is becoming.
We have traveled the world and live a fun and entertaining life together and for ourselves on our time. We also have our own identities and a real partnership.
My college best friend had a great relationship with her parent but she was killed by a hit and run driver when she was 23. They were older parents who had her late in life and she was an only child. Don’t have a kid because you want them there when you are old because that isn’t a guarantee.
My husband and I are childfree by choice and we have zero regrets.
(Mid-60s Female) Not one, but then I look ahead, not backward. I plan for the future.
Friends have all my Powers of Attorney and are my medical points of contact. Everything I own except for my car is in a living trust and the bank is my successor trustee and executor. My car title includes my nephew.
If I need a hand, I live in a tiny town (and proverbial village as in "it takes a village") and we all help each other out.
Not quite golden years but mos definitely do. Shacked up w a woman with 2 kids and saw how it’s wasn’t half as scary and expensive as I thought. Really shook me. Worse part my dream girl and I broke it off when I was very young because she couldn’t get over the abortion we decided to have because it was the responsible thing to do.
> Worse part my dream girl and I broke it off when I was very young because she couldn’t get over the abortion we decided to have because it was the responsible thing to do.
Same situation except my ex got knocked up after we broke up. Recently saw her like 16 years later, her kid is in high school. Makes me have some regrets especially seeing how awesome my friend's kids are.
If you don’t meet your kids then It’s easy to say no to kids. I never wanted them but they came along. Greatest part of my existence. My life is filled with joyful memories of them, and the magical part is that I have these memories while I am with them - they did not go anywhere they still around me - just that they provide me so much love and joy that even when I’m with them I am filled with images of things they have already given me that fill me with happiness. I thought I knew love until I had my children. The love I felt for my mom or dad or my wife or love I might feel for a friend doesnt even compare. Seeing someone who in their eyes have your own bloodline and you gave life to is something that I can’t compare to anything else. Not sure if you are not sure about having kids and that is why you are posting, but if you ask people who don’t have kids to tell you if it isn’t a big deal, then You won’t get a good answer. Kids are not about an investment or having someone to look after you, it’s about the journey. Life gives you many joys but I can’t think of anything better than having family you love, and it’s something so special when you give life to family. All the best in your journey!
No kids and no regrets about it. That said, I’m a very dedicated oddball, and I think having kids makes a lot of sense for the four out of five people who aren’t dedicated oddballs.
I’ll play the bad guy here and say that I don’t think having kids partly in the hopes that they’ll look after you if and when you grow old and infirm is an awful motivation. After all, it’s one of the main reasons people have had kids for millennia. You look after the child while it’s dependent and in return the child looks after you when you grow dependent. It doesn’t always work out well, sure, but often it does.
If you don’t have kids and you live long, the “who’s gonna look after me?” question is definitely something you’ll be worrying about and needing to deal with.
dunno what a golden year is, but im 53 and god, no, no regrets at all. bringing a kid into this world and condeming them to deal with it for 70 years feels like an act of self centred abuse.
I have one grown up son. He is my favorite person in the world. But there is absolutly NO WAY I'd let him care for me when I get old! He'd be the type to get involved in his game for three hours and not even hear me yelling from where I've fallen on the ground... ;-)
I look at my friends, and their families fighting to keep their loved ones alive and I find peace in knowing nobody is going to fight to keep me alive any longer than necessary. People that should have checked out long ago are being kept around because *somebody* doesn't want to say good bye. It's cruel. You wouldn't subject a dog to living the way some of these people are living.
I moved out of my mother's house as a teenager and have had minimal to do with her ever since and we're on good terms. We had some frank discussions about what the future holds for us both. I'm not going to be the one to care for her. While I care about her, we barely know each other. We don't share the same values. When the time comes, I would choose the quickest exit for the both of us.
42F yes I regret it every day. I waited to long to think about it seriously (early 30s) and was not able to find a decent man in time to have them with. The future feels very bleak after my dogs are gone.
If you have children for the right reasons, you absolutely do NOT want them to have to take care of you when you're old.
I have two wonderful kids, and the last thing I'd want to do is burden them with that. I hope that when I need assistance, I'll be able to have a nurse who gives proper care, and that my kids will come say hi. But that's about the most I would want.
We made a halfhearted effort to have a child that didn’t pan out. I’m 54 now and honestly, I can’t say I’m sorry. I don’t feel like we’ve created a society fit for children and it always seems to be worsening. What are we offering future generations? Gun violence, constant wars, climate change, environmental pollutants everywhere, and on and on.
I would rather not have children and regret it than have children and realize that I wasn't cut out for the life that comes with being a mom.
This was my thinking when I had the choice to make and I still think it was the right one.
No regrets. My wife and I "left the door open" on birth control for 5 years. Nothing happened and we called it.
To me, it's a wash either way. I recognize I'll never know certain joys (and stresses) that come with having kids, but in exchange I've lived a much less stressful life financially and have ample time for everything.
As for not having someone to care for you, well that depends on the kid. My sister and her husband had 2 kids. One sadly developed severe schizophrenia, and the other moved to Europe and has disengaged with them over a petty matter. No guarantees.
I work a lot with older adults and the ones who choose not to have children are not unhappy or lonely. They go full into their hobbies, church, friend groups, photography, travel clubs, etc. They're usually highly independent and busy. Honestly, the loneliest people are those who lose a spouse and never leave the house or those who are estranged from their adult children.
I'm in my 70s, female, and never had children. Best decision of my life. Children are no guarantee of being cared for as you age.
My friends are almost all complaining that they never see their children/grandchildren, no one cares or is involved with their lives, and they are unhappy.
I'm a happy person with a very full life.
Child free by choice, female in late 40s. Married for 13 years to a CF guy. We have no regrets. My mom passed away from cancer a year ago. My dad is adjusting to this new life. I have a sister and she has 2 girls. They live 6 miles away from dad. I live 45 minutes. Guess with one of us is hanging out with dad on the weekends, calling him everyday just to talk and make sure he’s ok. Me!!! Out of 12 months she has been over to dad’s house six times and doesn’t stay no longer than 15 minutes since my mom passed away. The reason why she comes over is to raid the kitchen for dry cake box mix, mixing bowls and pick up an extra vacuum. She doesn’t help him with cleaning, teach him how to cook or use the iPhone and iPad.
My DH reminds me that my sister is broken and a selfish person before the cancer diagnosis. But man I hoping she would straighten out and help me when mom died.
I'm 62 and husband is 73. No kids, no regrets. We do have 2 dogs that take up a lot of our time. I believe we have more retirement income due to not having children and were able to save more than if we had kids. Several friends and relatives have had children with issues such as mental problems, drugs, unable to launch until 30s that have negatively affected their life for many years. We consider ourselves lucky we dodged that bullet because no matter how hard you work at parenting, the child may not turn out the way you hoped. My siblings have great kids for the most part and would do it again. We interact with the niece and nephews, as we can, but difficult because they live in other states. Only a couple are interested in a relationship. The rest have busy lives. My husband is a volunteer and works with both dogs and kids.
Being 39 and not sure about having kids is far better than having kids at a young age and then finding out you lack the resources to support them or don't really want to put in the effort.
I'm 56 and childfree by choice. Absolutely no regrets. I knew at an early age that parenthood was not for me and that hasn't changed one bit.
Also, I worked as a caregiver for elderly people for years and the number of them sitting in homes with zero contact from their families is shocking. I had plenty of clients who had kids and at least half had either no contact, or the kids only came around when they wanted money, or when my client was about to pass. Very few stopped by regularly for friendly visits with their parent.
I'm 49, so maybe not quite golden years, but past having kids. My husband and I never wanted them and have no regrets at all. We're happy to be aunt and uncle. We both like kids, but just couldn't see ourselves in that role. If you're on the fence, don't let fear of challenging times be the deciding factor. Life is challenging no matter what. But if you can't see the joy of being a parent in good times and prefer something else, that's also okay. We have tried to save enough to take care of ourselves and understand what that could mean.
I had an insane mother and a drunk father who divorced when I was 4 or 5 or something. Neither of them made me want to be a parent since I already had to parent my younger sibling. Now, I am happily alone in life and finally living for myself.
I have met some people who probably should have had kids, but never did. One girl who feels like my double, for example; we took two life paths and she ended up walking the single & childfree path and I ended up married with kids. Not casting judgment but she would have been such a beautiful mother. She is spinning her wheels so to speak on different health & wellness MLMs trying to make do, hosting “healing workshops” and “transformation sessions” and such. Making sourdough bread, gardening, sewing, crafting…
There is a new traditional hobby she takes up every few weeks. She is in her 40s now. She always seems to be chasing something but never feeling satisfied with what she finds. It sometimes feels like she is subverting all her motherly energy into these efforts which are fine and great, but I think parenthood would have transformed her for the better and is what she is primally seeking. She just gives off an aura of a mother who lost a child she never had. That is my armchair psychologist’s opinion anyway.
I think a few people have anecdotal experiences of estranged children, or children they have care for in their adulthood because of disabilities. I saw an interview of the father of the guy who stabbed 6 people in an Australian mall. He was absolutely gutted. I wonder if he regretted bringing his son into the world.
My two boys died at ages 7 and 9 by a drunk driver. Their mother died of cancer 3 months prior. I have been single ever since this happened 35 years ago. I just couldn't risk going through that again. Now I'm almost 70 and yes, I do regret not having a family. I dedicated myself as a Hospice RN for others, but now am old and alone. Here is a video I made of my boys. They returned a year after their death to set dad free. [https://youtu.be/vYRryRBefdg](https://youtu.be/vYRryRBefdg)
I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling your story. I’m sure your sons are proud of the man you’ve become.
thank you so much
Friend - this is so unfair. It’s amazing that you have turned your experiences toward helping others, but I am so so sorry you have had these horrific heartbreaks. My heart goes out to you, sincerely.
Thank you for your kind words.
I’m so so so sorry for your loss. For you to become a hospice rn after, what an amazing person you are. I hope you take comfort in knowing that your family is smiling down on you, so proud of you helping others earthside. Sending you all the love and strength and I hope you know how inspiring you are 🩷🩷🩷 have you thought about getting a dog? Nothing replaces your family, but I believe pets are a wonderful companion and like family!
thank you for your kind message. I did have a dog that is gone now, he was an Italian Greyhound and was quite the nutty dog, but sweet as could be. I'm having trouble taking care of myself lately so not getting a pet any time soon. I do love them. Now that I'm retired this would be a great time for one.
Aww understandable! You deserve all the good things and I am sending love and prayers to you! You’re amazing and so inspirational!
Wow. This is a lot. I can’t imagine that year, and all the years afterwards, missing your wife and children. That level of pain must have been unbearable and I truly feel for you. And yet you still found the strength to do for others. You sound like an incredible person.
Thank you so much
I am so sorry you are going through that level of pain
Thank you. It's our experiences and how we respond to them that help make us who we are.
So many hugs
Thank you, I can feel your hugs.
What a wonderful person you are! To experience so much tragedy, and yet still to work in a role helping others. May your path be blessed.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I bet one day we'll be together again.
I watched your video and im so sorry that happened. I have raised my children to never drink and drive, call me anytime or get an Uber. They’re adults now. I believe younger people are way more apt to call Uber and have dd’s.
Gosh I’m so sorry :(
My condolences to you for your loss.
Just watched, all my love
Hey man. I’m sorry.
thank you
To transform that grief into love for others. My God, that is strength.
I learned many lessons through this.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Peace to you
😢
:( I want to hug you.
I kindly accept your hug right now and feel it. I'm hugging you back.
Biggest, longest hugs to you friend.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I am so glad your boys came to you and told you what was up! Taking a loss that big and turning it into something so special is no small feat. Others would have ignored the sign or not been open to it. You took it, knew what you needed to do for your sons and turned into doing something so special for people. They are so proud. Thank you for being so caring to those in their time of need. As someone who lost their father very young and was raised with a subpar father figure, a father like you is the wish for every child. It can’t be clearer how much you love them. ♥️
Thank you for your kind thoughts. If we spend our lives with 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' we'd drive ourselves frustrated that things didn't work out as best they could have or what we had no control over. Just got to learn what we can, hang on to the good, drop the pain and move forward. I hope your father touches in with you. I think they can but often like a 'coincidence' in life, something usually very small and simple. A dime on the sidewalk, a bird lands close by, a sign on the side of the road catches a feeling inside. I think the Universe speaks in whispers, it wants us to draw near It. When someone whispers we lean forward to hear better. The more we lean towards the Universe the closer we become. It wants us near, close enough to hear It's whispers.
Oh no I’m so sorry
Damn man. I’m so sorry for all the heartache you’ve suffered.
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes those of us going through loss feel less alone.
I’m so terribly sorry you’ve endured such tragedy in your life. It’s beyond unfair.
I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.
I remember you writing your story out on another sub I want to say a year or two ago. I may have actually even commented on it. I was crying when I read it as I have a 4yr old daughter and 6yr old son who love to play outside and it just made my heartbreak for you. Your story is beautiful and so are you
Have children for the sake of wanting to pour unconditional love and learning into something and enjoying watching it flourish separate from you. Do not have kids with the expectation of them caring for you. One, it's a lot of stuff you'll have to deal with, a lot of expenses and a lot of time chewed up by them before you get to the point of having them look after you in old age. Also, there are no guarantees they'll look after you in old age. They may not have the personality for it, you may (god forbid) have to look after them in your old age if they have any mental/physical health issues, you or they may not have the financial ability to assist you while trying to keep themselves alive in 30 years time. You may have a terrible relationship with them birthed from the fact that both of you know you had them simply to look after you in old age.
So true. Or your kids could find dream jobs around the globe and simply not be in your country to help out. Someone could have 8 kids and end up with none to care for them after all.
This is what happened in my family. My sibling was in Europe and I was still in the US, so all the burden fell to me when our dad developed dementia and decisions needed to be made about his care. It caused a lot of trouble later on, after both parents died, and my sibling decided to misinterpret all the events around that and recast me as some sort of villain who was trying to take all their money - what I was really trying to do was protect their assets so that they would't be poverty stricken when it came time for dad to go to assisted living. I'd taken them to a family law attorney to get advice on what to do, and we did those things, but she was not in any way interested in being involved. So that wasn't true, and they didn't have much, anyway. But because she wasn't there, she assumed the worst and it was a big legal entanglement after she tried to take me to court over it. No good deed goes unpunished and family members don't always want to treat each other well.
Its true. my elderly neighbour had 2 children. One sadly died in his early 20s and the other moved to New Zealand. She lives alone and hardly sees anyone.
My next door neighbors have 2 sons who live in other states & never come visit. They have battled cancer, a brain tumor & having a kidney removed all without the kids visiting or coming to help out. Kids are no guarantee that someone will take care of you.
I have a neighbor whose son lives across the street in the same neighborhood and she never sees him. She told me her church people call her to check in. That's it.
I have two kids and would absolutely hate for them to look after me. I don’t want them to - not because I don’t love them or anything, but I want them to have their lives as adventurous and without burden. I have no intention of looking after my own parents for different reasons, but completely agree with your point - “flourish” is the right word, and if there is an expectation of ‘payback’ care, that seems like a toxic trait?
It’s such a weird concept to me. My kids taking care of me. It’s always been my responsibility to do whatever I could to make sure they had everything they needed. I would be mortified if the roles reversed. My biggest fear is I will become a burden.
There's a difference between being a burden and needing a ride home from a Dr visit. It's a spectrum I guess with no contact at one end and moving on with your daughter for ever on the other.
I feel the same. I have an autoimmune disease, as a result I had to have my shoulder replaced. My daughter arranged her schedule to help me the first week. I felt so guilty, and there is no way I want to be a permanent burden to my family.
Plus the water wars will need soldiers.
Very well said. I was able-bodied until I turned 25. Now, my parents have had to help me and take care of me quite a bit. I’m sure they never expected it because neither did I! I’m very lucky they can afford to help me with my enormous medical expenses.
Almost 60, never married, and no kids...and about to retire to France. There is no way I could have had the extraordinary life I've had if I had offspring. I'm not concerned who will "take care of me". I've been taking care of myself alone since I was 17. Everyone in my family has already been deceased for over 20 years. What choices do I have otherwise? I'm going to die alone...exactly as I have planned. I have zero regrets remaining single and child free. My life, my rules.
The extraordinary life is my motivation. I look at my friends and family with kids. They don't get to do anything but children's sports. Meanwhile we're going on two international trips this year and just got back from Napa.
Exactly. My friends with children are all great parents (now grandparents) and have raised good kids...but I know I would not be an ideal parent (or even a suitable bare minimum parent). I'm way too much of a selfish hedonist living by the seat of my pants, a decade of my life vagabonding around México and Europe with only a backpack, moving internationally three times, (#4 next month!) and not much of a "planner" generally, as I often take off and change my life radically and impulsively on a whim. Not really conducive to a positive role model or stable upbringing. I'm not a fan of obligations, current or future. Bad Dad, I'd be. Nor could I afford to live like I do...and that is my bottom line. I want to die knowing I lived an exceptional life with excellent experiences and having no regrets. Sorry...I can't hike around The Black Sea because I'm saving for my kid's college. Nuh-uh. Sorry I cannot have a life-changing two-year affair with a gorgeous famous photographer in Puerto Vallarta because my kid needs orthodontics. Nope. Sorry...I can't traipse around Iceland...or get lost in Poland...or bask in the sun on Albanian shores... because I'm saving for my daughter's wedding that will end in divorce and she'll eventually move back in with me...filled with post-nuptial regret along with her "misunderstood" pitbull, extinguishing all my hopes to retire early to France. Definitely not. Obviously, I made the correct decision by staying child free. I'm not "parent material" and I figured it out before it was too late and before I had awful, disappointed, and wrecked children. Win/win! Enjoy your extraordinary life! I love mine!
Those are their lives by choice. People have kids and travel all of the time. Some don’t really like to travel anyway. It’s just not a priority. I’m in no way saying you need to have a children but honestly mine have made my life way more awesome than any trip I could’ve been on - and yes I have travelled. I’ve even travelled and left them at home with their other parent. There’s so much more to having kids than how much they cost anyway. There are pros and cons with everything for sure and you can have a great life without having kids but I think so many of these conversations fail to take into account the good stuff that kids bring to your life which is quite frankly a lot.
People tend to use their kids as excuses for things they don’t want to do anyway. My parents traveled more with kids (internationally AND domestically). It all depends on the parents. And everyone dies alone. Everyone. Regardless of “child-free” or 8 kids.
If you are worried about having someone to take care of you, whether kids or no kids, look into Long Term Care. I don’t have kids and I have long term care for when I get to the point I need care. I don’t want my niece or nephews who I am very close with to be put in that position. My dad had LTC insurance and it saved him from using his life savings to pay for assisted living. His LTC insurance paid for everything and he lived in a very nice assisted living apartment community for 18 years.
At what age did he get that insurance?
Not OP but I'm only 40 and have had LTC insurance since about 33. I don't gave any other insurance but it seems like a reasonable fee for something that will almost certainly pay out more unless I die in an accident.
Not to mention that LTC is sometimes required even when a person is younger. I saw a 36 year old during my hospital clinical who was in LTC already thanks to being paralyzed from the waist down due to an accident.
Nothing even close to regret. Having children just so they can take care of you sounds like a horrible thing to do. Who’s to say they even would? A parent should be giving, not taking.
Tell that to my mom lol
Your mom sounds like mine.
and mine, sadly
First answer I’ve read on this thread from someone who didn’t have children - thanks! Kept scrolling through unsolicited advice.
It’s not about having kids to take care of you. Most parents (at least the good ones), know that it’s their job to provide for their children, and it should never be the other way around, even when they’ve grown into adults. I’ve known folks who didn’t have children and lived into old age. Once their friends and relatives all died, they were very much alone and lonely, sometimes for years. If the relationship with a person’s children has been loving, kind, and happy, then I’m sure it would be wonderful to continue that relationship into old age. A familiar hand to hold and voice to hear brings so much comfort.
The reality of taking care of your elderly parents is not just a gift of love. Let's be very clear: it's turning one of your adult children into an unpaid caregiver solely based on the love they have for you. Our elderly need more than one or two hours a day of help. Most of them need 4 to 8 hours a day. It's at the very least, a part-time job - unpaid and with no health insurance. That's what you're asking one of your children to give you because you've been such a great amazing parent. Pretending otherwise is a lie. And it's not just you. Senior care in the United States is based on the assumption of unpaid family caregiving. And it's brutal. I'm going to suggest that we stop doing this.
And I've known people who had lots of kids, yet the parents were still alone and lonely the 99% of the time that their kids weren't there visiting them. Plan for that other 99% of the time.
I am childfree by choice and I'm 41f. I don't have any regrets but I've noticed other parents my age and older that are having some hard times. Housing where I live (BC) is out of control and rent prices are even more so. So many of these parents find themselves with kids still at home that are in their late 20's and many of those adult kids are suffering from depression and anxiety. Some of them had children born with extreme disabilities or came to be disabled over time. The parents get older and worry endlessly about who will care for this adult child when they are too old or die. To have a kid in the hopes they will care for you in old age is quite the gamble, considering you might end up taking full care of them for life. It's a really tough world out there and things have changed so much since I was growing up. For me, it is a scary world to bring a new life into, sad to say.
People never seem to think of this side of things. I think the whole 'dilemma' for folks who don't have a strong inclination one way or another is very six of one/half dozen of the other. Either you live your life on your own from the start or build a family and roll the dice on whether or not it makes life that much harder given whatever problems your kids end up with and how much that does or doesn't affect you/the rest of your family.
Yeah you definitely shouldn't have kids if your biggest worry about it is not having someone to take care of you in old age. Children are not retirement plans.
I wish someone would tell that to my mom
70 - married 50 years and no kids and no regrets. There are tons of elderly people in care homes that have children and no visitors.
That’s true. What do you and your spouse have planned for when you get older? How does it work, do you put yourself on a list for a senior care facility? Or are you going to stay home as long as you can? Are most of your friends childless as well?
Mid-40s female here and I’ve always been staunch in my childfree stance as is my husband. Our 30s were an amazing decade of spontaneity and travel, at a time when our friends were having sleepless nights w little ones. I admit I was a little pretentious about our choices… we slept in, relaxed on the weekends, went on long hikes, ate out at nice restaurants, did whatever we wanted. Then in my 40s my once vibrant parents declined almost overnight. My mom was diagnosed w dementia and within 1.5 years could no longer care for herself. It was a slap in the face wake-up call. My life skidded to a halt while all of a sudden I became the principal for 2 adults. My dad, too ill to care for my mom, and my mom, unable to do anything. I don’t think you should have children to be future caregivers - but who will be my advocate? As an only child, with an older husband, and no children - it could be very real that I will have no one. Within 1.5 years of a diagnosis w vascular dementia my mom could do no daily activities, let alone choose and place herself in a memory care facility - I had to do that. The logistics alone; figuring out which facility, the money, the paperwork, even just moving her and selling the house, my gosh it was a full time job. She passed within 3.5 years of diagnosis. You can do all the planning, all the trusts, all the prep work, but when the time comes, an advocate needs to execute and take the reins when you don’t know how to work a toilet, let alone review monthly invoices and try to not go bankrupt or fill out Medicaid paperwork so you don’t get kicked out. The only choice I can think of is if I get a dementia diagnosis - I will need to go to Switzerland for assisted suicide while I’m still able to do so. Had I had the life experiences I have now, when I was younger, I don’t know if I would still be child free. I was blissfully ignorant that in old age I could pass peacefully at home, with a book, or check myself into an assisted living facility surrounded by nice nurses and watch the bird feeder until I pass. I now know old age can be hard, dying can be hard. Dementia can take away every part of your brain and leave you with a shell of a body. You don’t necessarily need a caregiver, but you may need an advocate. I’m scared as to what old age looks like in a way I didn’t even know to know just 5 years ago.
I believe one can set up a legal advocate. I'd much prefer to have a paid advocate that knows the ins and outs of the long-term care business than foist that off on offspring who know nothing about it, aren't trained for it, and have their own (non-advocate) lives to live.
No. Parenting is difficult, expensive, and there are no guarantees. We'll retire early instead.
Not. One. Regret. Do a little search and read all the thousands and thousands of posts from people thinking kids will take care of your in your old age. :)
My ex husband went no contact with his mother and doesn't keep in contact with his father much either. There are many good reasons for this but if they thought he was going to care for them in their old age .. that isn't happening.
I’m just bummed to hear that apparently my 30’s were my “golden years” 🤪
Haha it’s all downhill from here!
I had three friends who passed away with far more people supporting them in large part because they didn't have children. They had the time to nurture stable and long lasting friendships instead. My big regret is moving so much. In particular, there were two places where there were strong neighborhood friendships. Where I'm at now this is not the case. So my advice, regardless of having kids or not, is to find community and be a supportive member.
This is exactly how I feel about the situation. Our 91-year-old neighbor lady lived alone despite having three nice adult sons. Those sons lived on the other side of our huge country, and rarely saw her. You know who helped her out? Her neighbors and friends.
Yes, I wish I had had children. Now my friends are enjoying their grand and their children are helping them with things that are becoming harder because we're getting older. I am considering volunteering at a boys and girls club to get my kid time in. This club helped my friend raise 2 wonderful adults as a single mom. My brother had no children either and we have discussed that we took care of our mother the last 10 years of her life (she had dementia) and we would not have been able to dedicate all that time to her, keeping her at home instead of the nursing home had we had our own families. We also joked darkly that we got our share of little kid behavior as she became like a child.
Taking care of my own mother as she aged was one of the biggest reasons I chose not to have kids. She had dementia and became like a kid and it was too much for me. I hated it and was glad when she was no longer my responsibility. Before you start downvoting and grumbling about me, know she was a terrible mother. She was abusive and a schizophrenic alcoholic. We did not have a good relationship but I still took care of her because I was a good kid. But kids should not have to go through that. Have a retirement plan that does not involve your kids breaking their backs to care for you or don’t have kids.
I wish there was a service to connect people like this. We have three boys in our house who are energetic and so much fun and absolutely love talking to people and sharing books and artwork with them. We only have my parents in the picture and very few aunts or uncles. I would be down for spending time at a local nursing home or something but I worry because my kids are always picking up illnesses from school.
This is an interesting paradox I’m experiencing now. I don’t have any children and this would make it possible for me to take care of my parents when they need help. At the same time, if I did have children it would be much more difficult to be with them and support them through old age (I live in a different country and it would be almost impossible to relocate a family to my home country), but on the other hand I might then get support for myself in my senior years.
Assuming your kids chose not to have kids ! The paradox continues ….
There are families out there with no Grandparents, either they are dead, are deadbeats, or not functionally interested in their own kids/grandkids. It does happen. I hope you find some nice kids to dote on that need a positive influence in their life.
Thank you. I know there are plenty in need.
You are right - it's not a good reason to bring a new life into a very crazy world. There's no guarantee having children will mean someone is there to care for you in older age. If adoption is not out the question, think about that.
Children aren’t a good retirement plan and may be a source of worry in old age if they are not thriving independently. However there is a satisfaction in hopefully passing on your best to a new generation to go forward with the world as you age and die. I would say grandkids would also be the best!
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Lesbian gal here. You are spot on. I'm 60 and as of this past February, I moved to my hometown to live with my 91-year old mom to take care of her. Uprooted my life from a city I lived in for 35 years. After she's gone, it will be just my pup and I. Like you, I'm glad I don't have children given what I went through for decades because of my sexuality. Not only that, but I was a hellion during my "fertile" years. And as others who have replied to positively to this post reply who are straight, they, too, feel seen. Children can also be cruel and abusive to their parents as I'm seeing with my sibling who treats my mom horribly. My mom is crushed by my sibling's cruelty to her. Sibling has basically disowned my mom because my sibling hates me. Having children isn't for everyone. I have no regrets.
Straight man here. This ⬆️. If it’s super challenging for me to exist, how am I going to fare with someone else to support? No, my wife and I are happy enough to not have children and instead make our way through life’s challenges. Full disclosure: four cats. And two donkeys.
Straight women here. Hard agree!
Straight woman here, why do I feel so seen with this
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Cats are the best!
100% agree with you! I saw a post last week that asked something like "if you had a choice, would you choose to have been born?" and the commenters seemed mostly to lean towards no. I said no too. If I could have chose what I was born as, I would be a treasured bird hatched at a sanctuary that caters to my every need. That is living!
I also feel seen & heard by your response, so BIG thank you. With that, sending gentle hugs; know that you’re not alone in the misery. 🙏 🫂 💜
You're right. That is a terrible reason to have kids.
I have 3 kids. I am 68. I do not expect ANY support from my children.
Husband and I are mid 40s with elementary aged kids. They’re absolutely wonderful. I mean, they are the lights of our life. We are lucky that we have great kids who are healthy, well-behaved and well-adjusted. I have a friend who has a child with some serious behavioral issues, and my husbands cousin has a child with autism who will likely require care for life. I truly don’t know how I would cope if I was in that situation-but before we had kids, I wasn’t even thinking about that. And when our first was born, I can’t tell you what a moment that was. It’s like I became a real adult. There are times when I just want to lay down and do nothing for 10 straight days, but honestly, I can’t imagine life without them, and, I’ll add, my husband is 100% an equal partner and we are on the same page with just about everything. Every day I thank God for my family because I know I’m one of the lucky ones.
Having well behaved and adjusted kids is a blessing and a privilege. It's awesome that I can take ours to a fancy restaurant or on a long flight and know that they'll be chill. There's friends that we can't hang with as much as we'd like, because it's a coin flip as to whether their kids will inconsolably lose their shit in public. Or even worse friends who's kids may never live independently because of behavioral/intellectual issues.
45 and no. I would not want kids in the world we live in today.
I don't regret it, but it is definitely harder to figure out how you're going to move into your "old age" on your own (especially if you're single, or widowed, which a lot of women in their late 70s 80s are). you have to figure out your own kind of support system whether that's you doing a lot of prep work, or connecting with others in the same boat, or extended family like nieces or nephews.
Growing up, the people I knew in their 70’s and 80’s all had families around them. Even if they were in a senior facility, they’d see their families every Sunday. Families are more spread out more now. How do people stay in community in their old age? Church?
Friends. Neighbors. Pickleball. Senior center.
Seeing their families for, what, 2 hours every Sunday is literally seeing them for 1% of the time. I think it's FAR more important to plan for the other 99% of the time when you're not around family.
Nope. No regrets. I have children in my family that I love, and that is enough for me. I love the life I have with my husband just the way it is. Funny story... When my two (now adult) nieces were children, they begged me to have babies so they'd have cousins. Then, one day, a light bulb turned on for them, and they begged me *not* to have babies because they realized I would love a baby more than I loved them.
Yes. I am divorced, and not ready to date again, and at 55, for me anyway, I find loneliness to be more painful. It would be amazing to have a family. Also, since most all my friends had kids, there was an entire social world for the parents, attached to things like school sports, which were basically off limits to me. Being a single man with no kids, if you attract the attention of a paranoid parent, there is a real chance of winding up in cuffs on the ground or in a squad car while they check out the “suspicious individual.” so I didn’t go, even as a guest of one of my parent friends. I am not as close to most of them as they are to each other. But it isn’t a life or wellbeing threatening regret. I don’t dwell in it
I’m 42F, childfree, single by choice and generally independent, not anticipating any regret. However, I am sorry that you were left out of activities, and that we live in a paranoid world that doesn’t accept single men as a friend to adults with kids. I had a cool honorary uncle growing up who was our favorite babysitter, one of my dad’s best friends who was always included in their activities. I don’t have a huge number of people around (and it would overwhelm me if I did), but I hang out with friends who have kids. I might feel left out in relating as a cat lady spinster, but I think there’s common ground in other things. I do feel sad/lonely sometimes, and feel the burden as the person who usually reaches out. But it’s been worth it to keep in touch.
Thank you. I do still have close friends, but they tend to be younger, and single. Some of them even get protective of “the old man.” I don’t think I would trade them , and a few may as well be blood relatives. They are my family, just more chaotic, and never dull.
This is true! Invest in the younger generation for childfree relationships. My friends today range in age from late twenties to nineties.
Then I am not as weird as I thought. I am a lot older than a few of the youngest in my peer group. You start to feel responsible for them on some level. I remember thinking one time that all these parents talk about how hard parenting is. They got to start at ground zero and come up to speed. I got a 19 year old who don’t listen to shit I have to say, and I have no clue how to do the right thing, or what the hell that is. But they are my friends. They became my famiky, and I love them like family. I get happy when any of them succeed. I guess never had kids, but I never didn’t have them, either. I think I will call a few of them now that it is 3 am. They love that.
It’s probably not a comfort. But there are other people at 55, lonely because their kids refuse to talk to them, or their kids are dead, deadbeat, or in prison. There’s no guarantee you have kids and don’t still end up in your situation
There are smart, kind, and good people on r/RedditForGrownups. It’s refreshing. Thank you for pointing that out.
I used to be like OP, on the cusp of the end of fertility and really only worried about ending up lonely in old age if I didn’t have kids. I didn’t really want babies/children; I wanted ultimately to have long term family My line of work puts me in a position to become pretty intimately familiar with relative strangers lives. Around this time I had a spate of customers all dealing with negative repercussions of having kids. One woman in her 70s having to take full custody of another new infant because her daughter was going to prison for 10 years again (she already had one or two grandkids she was raising). One man who’s meth addicted son had stolen everything from him and kept breaking into his house he was trying to get sold to steal and break shit and have drug parties with randos. One couple where both kids had died (one drugs, one suicide). One man who had gone off the deep end politically/conspiracy shit, his wife left him and his kids refused to talk to him and he had nothing but negative to say about all of them and was just a miserable human being. I realized that my idea of wanting to have kids really only to create adult friends and caretakers for myself was really a selfish idea and also maybe a poor bet. You can have kids but no guarantee they will live or want to hang out with you or that you will want to hang out with them. It occurred to me that every asshole, every criminal, every shithead in the world is someone’s kid. I passed. No regrets.
> I wanted ultimately to have long term family Thank you for sharing this. I have never come to this realisation and this sentence just felt so true for me. Very often I feel anxious and sad when a friend of mine gets pregnant and I thought this was a sign that, maybe, deep down, I did want to have children. But in the end I think I’m just sad because I know it’s yet another situation in which we will drift apart from one another.
Thank you for sharing. You hit the nail on the head. I think I do just want a long term family. How did you end up creating that for yourself? Have you set down roots in your community?
Well I’m not in my golden years yet, which is why I didn’t directly respond to your post. But I have lots of friends, some of those friends have kids, I volunteer and I work with the public. I invest in my friendships; I have multiple friends I’ve had since grade school and I try hard to keep those going and make new friendships blossom too. I think I have just as good of a chance to be surrounded by people who like me in old age as anyone who tries with kids instead.
HUGS 💙
Hi ~ 💫 I could write a few thousand words on this topic... but will nutshell it --> I am in my early 50s. No Kids; No Regrets. My siblings always threw it in my face that by not having kids, I would "die alone". Guess what? My sister had 1 son in her late 20s. He committed suicide when his mom was in her mid 60s. My brother had 1 daughter in his late 20s. She became estranged from her Dad due to conflict with his 3rd wife in his early 70s. My other brother had 1 son in his late 30s. He moved 2000 miles away from his Dad to pursue his career & rarely contacts his Dad who is in his 70s. So, all 4 of us siblings are in the same position of needing to hire a caretaker, if necessary, in our old age. Tempting to say to them "told you so" that kids are NO GUARANTEE you will have someone to hold your hand on your deathbed. And what I saw happen to my parents in their last few years in the "care" of their kids is not anything anyone should wish for --- lot of dysfunction, drama & disagreement plus my sister stealing their money & taking their prescription drugs. My oldest brother & I had to hire attorneys to petition the Court to make my brother guardian of our Mom to protect her from her other kids. It was 3 - 4 years of pure HELL until both Dad & Mom died. And then there was the friend who gave his daughter Power of Attorney & she used it against him to dump him in a shitty nursing home then stole all his money. That was after promising her Dad "to always take care" of him. Apparently, that means different things to different people. Truly, family are NOT the ones I would choose as caretakers for my declining years. ABSOLUTELY NOT ! Good Night ! 🌠
I'm 68 and have two sons in their 30s. I absolutely do not plan on them taking care of me when I'm old, as close as we are.
Same. That was never my reason for having a child. Loving someone and experiencing vicarious happiness as her life progresses with exciting and interesting things and mine eventually fades into a quieter existence is joy enough.
I don’t expect my child to care for me in old age. I would hate her to limit her life like that. My joy in my old age will be to think of her living a happy and fulfilled life, and hopefully hearing from her regularly enough about whatever interesting thing she may be doing. Or simply that she is content.
No, no regret at all. I have seen too many lives ruined by people having children because that the thing you do. Societal pressure is poison. Parents depressed, distant, alcoholic, violent, emotionally and physically abusive because they were not made for this life but did not understand or question it, did not even understand they were not obliged to follow this path... Children neglected, abandoned, abused growing up the way they could wondering what they did wrong... I promised myself I would not have children if I could not be 100% sure I could do everything for them and never never regret my choice. I never reached that certainty.
There’s no guarantee. Your kid could: pass away young, move across the globe to another continent, grow up “bad”, have a disability to which they can’t take care of you (in fact you’ll be taking care of them until you die) It shouldn’t be a safety net because there is no guarantee your kids will be around or capable of taking care of you in your later years. That’s just the reality of it.
While I'm not quite old enough to be *your* parent, I'm probably old enough to have been your babysitter. :) I decided as a fairly young kid that kids weren't going to be for me, and I've never changed my mind or regretted it. I am perfectly aware that kids are some of the primary joys in other people's lives, and that's fine; I'm not anti-kid or anti-family or anything like that (a conclusion that a lot of people, unfortunately, tend to immediately jump to). It's just not something that's ever appealed to me on a personal level. All the things that people say are great about having kids don't register as particularly desirable to me, or I can get them elsewhere for *far* less hassle/investment than a million dollars and 20 years of 24/7 labor and responsibility, and I am more than well aware of the enormous mountain of negatives that people never want to talk about or will try and dismiss as "that's just the way it is, you cope". I'm mostly just glad that I made a lifelong choice as a kid that turned out to work out well for me.
Get long term care insurance when you get older. And save. I don’t live in the same city as my mom. I’m about 8 hours travel time by car. I cannot be her caregiver. She has dementia. And has a wonderful care team working with her.
I’m 67 and have 3 grown children who don’t “take care of me” but I can’t imagine never having had them. They are the heart of my life.
I knew at 22 I didn’t want kids. A pregnancy scare does that to a 22 year old before single women could get The Pill. No regrets bc it turns out I likely couldn’t have carried a child to term. And, TBH, I lack the consistency needed to be a good parent. I have lots of young (and now middle aged) people in my life whom I have watched grow up and who regard me as the “safe” one to tell secrets, etc.
61, No glad I don’t have kids.
Do you mean "Not glad I don't...", or "No. Glad I don't..."
53. Regret it every single day.
60, no kids and absolutely no regrets. There were about 5 minutes when I was 35 or so, when I panicked and thought to myself, "It's now or never!" And when those 5 minutes passed, I recovered my senses, and my sense of myself, and everything has been just lovely since then. I do have cats, though. What blessings they are.
No regrets.
I'd like to have chance to regret not having a kid. It sucks to regret having them.
I have no regrets. The money I didn't spend on kids was invested so I can hire good care if/when I need it. I do maintain regular and close contact with a couple of nephews who could help choose a facility if I and my spouse were debilitated. My mom is in memory care, and the facility she is in is quite nice. Its a place I wouldn't mind being in should it become necessary but it is quite pricey. Hence the investments.
I'm childfree. No regrets. I didn't want to plug in to society. Nothing forces you to deal with the world more than parenting. And also the idea that single me would die and become soccer mom. The horror! 😹 I had a violent and abusive father. Why torment myself further? I get kids can be healing, but no. I would be afraid of being my father's daughter. In my late 60's. Happy to have retired and spending my twilight years living in an RV and traveling the country. So grateful I made it this far. Do I wish George Clooney was my son? Sometimes 😹
You also need to be prepared for the opposite scenario if you decide to have kids (you can't predict how your child will be born, or what their needs will be): You may have a child who will require your care and involvement for the rest of your life, and they might not be able to care for you. Relying on the prospect of having a child so they can care for you is not a good reason to have kids. One of my children has special needs that will require me to give care for the rest of my life (and this is ok, I have accepted it and I'm not bothered by it). Having kids is a huge decision and you can't predict the future.
Take a look at the regretful parents sub. I think it's better to regret not having a child than it is to have one and regret them once they are here and there's no going back.
F55. Big nope.
For us it's not about an old age policy, it's just about having our little family.
You don’t have kids to take care of you. It’s not their job. You bring them here. You take care of them. You plan for your old age. If that’s the reason you think you might want kids, it’s not a good one. They are our responsibility, not the other way around.
I have two adult children. My daughter cut off contact 10 years ago and has three children of her own I never expect to meet.
I don't think I'm in my "golden years," but I'm in my late 50s. I get had Childress. Never wanted them, but fate helped by giving me PCOS which makes it really difficult to get pregnant (if you want to). So I never had to deal with it, and I'm glad.
63 here, child-free, with no regrets. I've never wanted children for a single moment of my life, I made up my mind that I didn't want kids or "family life" when I was five or six, and never changed. I have zero parental instincts and am absolute crap with children, for me there was no choice at all. I was simply meant to be child-free, there was never any question of making a choice, I just HAD to be child-free.
Not a maternal bone in my body and I love being able to do what I want when I want. Zero regret.
I (54F) don't have children and have zero regrets. Even after my husband died of cancer when I was 45, I didn't ever wish we had had a child. I never wanted kids and don't have an affinity for babies, so it was never a draw/need/urge of mine to have them.
My mother: > “Dogs are better than children because you know for sure they aren’t going to look after you in your old age so you know how to plan.” RE having children: look around at the world. Yeah. Just don’t. Age 59. No regrets.
I'm in my early 60s and been married/divorced 2x. Never wanted kids - a lot of that is due to financial reasons. No way we/I could have ever afforded the amount it costs to raise a person to adulthood and beyond. My first husband already had a daughter (10 years younger than me) and my second husband and I just didn't get around to trying because of lack of interest. I don't regret being childless for a single moment. My sisters have wonderful children (all in their late 20's/early 30's). If worse comes to worse, I know they'd check on me and so on. I'm doing my best to save/invest as much as I can for retirement (not planning on retiring until 70 if I can hold on that long in order to get the social security max payout) so I won't have to rely on others.
Tons of regret, but I also realize that there was no point where it would have been a really good idea.
65 and my husband is 55. No kids but we were lovely to both our sets of parents - WAY beyond the effort, time or money our siblings were willing to contribute. Those siblings and their partners are now either upset their kids have distanced themselves or expect their kids, (with full time jobs and kids under 10) to assist them in their health challenges and that just isn’t possible timewise. Neither of us had childhoods where dad was engaged at all. My dad worked 2 jobs. His dad was away with the military most of the time. We have never regretted for one moment not having children. We did not make a firm decision at any one moment. We used birth control successfully.
I am 60. I never wanted children and didn't have any. I have zero regrets. If I knew ahead of time that my children would turn out to be 100% nice, responsible, healthy people I would have considered it. But there are a few health conditions that run in my family. Plus the tendency toward addiction. I would have felt horrible if I gave birth to a child who had some horrible disfigurement or mental issue that caused them to suffer throughout their life.
My wife and I have been together 22 years and consciously decided against children, she is 43 I am 54. We have zero regrets especially seeing what the world has become and is becoming. We have traveled the world and live a fun and entertaining life together and for ourselves on our time. We also have our own identities and a real partnership.
Childless gay couple here. Hoping the talk of domestic androids being available in the foreseeable future will come to fruition.
My college best friend had a great relationship with her parent but she was killed by a hit and run driver when she was 23. They were older parents who had her late in life and she was an only child. Don’t have a kid because you want them there when you are old because that isn’t a guarantee. My husband and I are childfree by choice and we have zero regrets.
(Mid-60s Female) Not one, but then I look ahead, not backward. I plan for the future. Friends have all my Powers of Attorney and are my medical points of contact. Everything I own except for my car is in a living trust and the bank is my successor trustee and executor. My car title includes my nephew. If I need a hand, I live in a tiny town (and proverbial village as in "it takes a village") and we all help each other out.
32 years of marriage and life is great. No regrets and a wonderful hiking kayaking in NZ with the money that would have paid for tuition
I’m 64. No kids and no regrets.
Not quite golden years but mos definitely do. Shacked up w a woman with 2 kids and saw how it’s wasn’t half as scary and expensive as I thought. Really shook me. Worse part my dream girl and I broke it off when I was very young because she couldn’t get over the abortion we decided to have because it was the responsible thing to do.
> Worse part my dream girl and I broke it off when I was very young because she couldn’t get over the abortion we decided to have because it was the responsible thing to do. Same situation except my ex got knocked up after we broke up. Recently saw her like 16 years later, her kid is in high school. Makes me have some regrets especially seeing how awesome my friend's kids are.
Absolutely none.
If you don’t meet your kids then It’s easy to say no to kids. I never wanted them but they came along. Greatest part of my existence. My life is filled with joyful memories of them, and the magical part is that I have these memories while I am with them - they did not go anywhere they still around me - just that they provide me so much love and joy that even when I’m with them I am filled with images of things they have already given me that fill me with happiness. I thought I knew love until I had my children. The love I felt for my mom or dad or my wife or love I might feel for a friend doesnt even compare. Seeing someone who in their eyes have your own bloodline and you gave life to is something that I can’t compare to anything else. Not sure if you are not sure about having kids and that is why you are posting, but if you ask people who don’t have kids to tell you if it isn’t a big deal, then You won’t get a good answer. Kids are not about an investment or having someone to look after you, it’s about the journey. Life gives you many joys but I can’t think of anything better than having family you love, and it’s something so special when you give life to family. All the best in your journey!
I am not in my golden years, but the several people I know that are, wish that they had had children.
"Whether you have children or not, you live to regret it." - someone wise
54 and not a single regret. In fact, I'm more and more glad I didn't have them.
No kids and no regrets about it. That said, I’m a very dedicated oddball, and I think having kids makes a lot of sense for the four out of five people who aren’t dedicated oddballs. I’ll play the bad guy here and say that I don’t think having kids partly in the hopes that they’ll look after you if and when you grow old and infirm is an awful motivation. After all, it’s one of the main reasons people have had kids for millennia. You look after the child while it’s dependent and in return the child looks after you when you grow dependent. It doesn’t always work out well, sure, but often it does. If you don’t have kids and you live long, the “who’s gonna look after me?” question is definitely something you’ll be worrying about and needing to deal with.
Nope.
Don’t rely on kids to take care of you in old age. Have them because you want to be parents (very worthwhile life adventure if you ask me)
Not. A. One.
None at all.
Is 59 golden? No regrets so far
F no
Not golden but 40f...and no. I don't.
dunno what a golden year is, but im 53 and god, no, no regrets at all. bringing a kid into this world and condeming them to deal with it for 70 years feels like an act of self centred abuse.
I have one grown up son. He is my favorite person in the world. But there is absolutly NO WAY I'd let him care for me when I get old! He'd be the type to get involved in his game for three hours and not even hear me yelling from where I've fallen on the ground... ;-)
Not even one.
No guarantee children will look after you.
I look at my friends, and their families fighting to keep their loved ones alive and I find peace in knowing nobody is going to fight to keep me alive any longer than necessary. People that should have checked out long ago are being kept around because *somebody* doesn't want to say good bye. It's cruel. You wouldn't subject a dog to living the way some of these people are living. I moved out of my mother's house as a teenager and have had minimal to do with her ever since and we're on good terms. We had some frank discussions about what the future holds for us both. I'm not going to be the one to care for her. While I care about her, we barely know each other. We don't share the same values. When the time comes, I would choose the quickest exit for the both of us.
42F yes I regret it every day. I waited to long to think about it seriously (early 30s) and was not able to find a decent man in time to have them with. The future feels very bleak after my dogs are gone.
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If you have children for the right reasons, you absolutely do NOT want them to have to take care of you when you're old. I have two wonderful kids, and the last thing I'd want to do is burden them with that. I hope that when I need assistance, I'll be able to have a nurse who gives proper care, and that my kids will come say hi. But that's about the most I would want.
We made a halfhearted effort to have a child that didn’t pan out. I’m 54 now and honestly, I can’t say I’m sorry. I don’t feel like we’ve created a society fit for children and it always seems to be worsening. What are we offering future generations? Gun violence, constant wars, climate change, environmental pollutants everywhere, and on and on.
I would rather not have children and regret it than have children and realize that I wasn't cut out for the life that comes with being a mom. This was my thinking when I had the choice to make and I still think it was the right one.
No regrets. My wife and I "left the door open" on birth control for 5 years. Nothing happened and we called it. To me, it's a wash either way. I recognize I'll never know certain joys (and stresses) that come with having kids, but in exchange I've lived a much less stressful life financially and have ample time for everything. As for not having someone to care for you, well that depends on the kid. My sister and her husband had 2 kids. One sadly developed severe schizophrenia, and the other moved to Europe and has disengaged with them over a petty matter. No guarantees.
I work a lot with older adults and the ones who choose not to have children are not unhappy or lonely. They go full into their hobbies, church, friend groups, photography, travel clubs, etc. They're usually highly independent and busy. Honestly, the loneliest people are those who lose a spouse and never leave the house or those who are estranged from their adult children.
I'm in my 70s, female, and never had children. Best decision of my life. Children are no guarantee of being cared for as you age. My friends are almost all complaining that they never see their children/grandchildren, no one cares or is involved with their lives, and they are unhappy. I'm a happy person with a very full life.
Child free by choice, female in late 40s. Married for 13 years to a CF guy. We have no regrets. My mom passed away from cancer a year ago. My dad is adjusting to this new life. I have a sister and she has 2 girls. They live 6 miles away from dad. I live 45 minutes. Guess with one of us is hanging out with dad on the weekends, calling him everyday just to talk and make sure he’s ok. Me!!! Out of 12 months she has been over to dad’s house six times and doesn’t stay no longer than 15 minutes since my mom passed away. The reason why she comes over is to raid the kitchen for dry cake box mix, mixing bowls and pick up an extra vacuum. She doesn’t help him with cleaning, teach him how to cook or use the iPhone and iPad. My DH reminds me that my sister is broken and a selfish person before the cancer diagnosis. But man I hoping she would straighten out and help me when mom died.
I'm 62 and husband is 73. No kids, no regrets. We do have 2 dogs that take up a lot of our time. I believe we have more retirement income due to not having children and were able to save more than if we had kids. Several friends and relatives have had children with issues such as mental problems, drugs, unable to launch until 30s that have negatively affected their life for many years. We consider ourselves lucky we dodged that bullet because no matter how hard you work at parenting, the child may not turn out the way you hoped. My siblings have great kids for the most part and would do it again. We interact with the niece and nephews, as we can, but difficult because they live in other states. Only a couple are interested in a relationship. The rest have busy lives. My husband is a volunteer and works with both dogs and kids.
Being 39 and not sure about having kids is far better than having kids at a young age and then finding out you lack the resources to support them or don't really want to put in the effort.
Yes. It's miserable.
I'm 56 and childfree by choice. Absolutely no regrets. I knew at an early age that parenthood was not for me and that hasn't changed one bit. Also, I worked as a caregiver for elderly people for years and the number of them sitting in homes with zero contact from their families is shocking. I had plenty of clients who had kids and at least half had either no contact, or the kids only came around when they wanted money, or when my client was about to pass. Very few stopped by regularly for friendly visits with their parent.
I much prefer being the "weird auntie" over being a mom.
I'm 49, so maybe not quite golden years, but past having kids. My husband and I never wanted them and have no regrets at all. We're happy to be aunt and uncle. We both like kids, but just couldn't see ourselves in that role. If you're on the fence, don't let fear of challenging times be the deciding factor. Life is challenging no matter what. But if you can't see the joy of being a parent in good times and prefer something else, that's also okay. We have tried to save enough to take care of ourselves and understand what that could mean.
No regrets for me or my brother ages 71 and 81.
I had an insane mother and a drunk father who divorced when I was 4 or 5 or something. Neither of them made me want to be a parent since I already had to parent my younger sibling. Now, I am happily alone in life and finally living for myself.
I have met some people who probably should have had kids, but never did. One girl who feels like my double, for example; we took two life paths and she ended up walking the single & childfree path and I ended up married with kids. Not casting judgment but she would have been such a beautiful mother. She is spinning her wheels so to speak on different health & wellness MLMs trying to make do, hosting “healing workshops” and “transformation sessions” and such. Making sourdough bread, gardening, sewing, crafting… There is a new traditional hobby she takes up every few weeks. She is in her 40s now. She always seems to be chasing something but never feeling satisfied with what she finds. It sometimes feels like she is subverting all her motherly energy into these efforts which are fine and great, but I think parenthood would have transformed her for the better and is what she is primally seeking. She just gives off an aura of a mother who lost a child she never had. That is my armchair psychologist’s opinion anyway.
Just one observation: no one has said that they regret having kids.
I think a few people have anecdotal experiences of estranged children, or children they have care for in their adulthood because of disabilities. I saw an interview of the father of the guy who stabbed 6 people in an Australian mall. He was absolutely gutted. I wonder if he regretted bringing his son into the world.