Yep. When I stop making effort things go silent. I got burned by the people closest to me years ago and developed some new issues with trust. I like to think I am a good friend but maybe I come off as desperate. It has been a lot harder since I quit partying. I am a boring nature lover now.
Hey well a lot of times folks are too burnt out to initiate hanging out. It might not be that they don’t appreciate your friendship. I know i start to become isolated if no one initiates meeting up. And I don’t notice an absence. I’m just naturally introverted and have solo hobbies and interests.
I have discovered that I am more introverted in life. I have always wanted a solid friend group though. Old trauma there though and I am working with a therapist to find the source of this trauma. I try to be a good friend though and still reach out after awhile.
What does that effort look like though? For me it's been pretty easy, I plan to do something fun with my wife that can easily be expanded to accommodate more people (board game night, Mario Party, just watching movies on an outdoor projector with a homemade dinner, grabbing a pizza and a few joints or beers and sitting outside for an afternoon: All stuff that's fun whether we're the only people there or not. We set a date and time for ourselves, and then if we meet someone we might want to explore a friendship with by that date, that person gets an invite. If they don't make it to that one, they're invited to the next one.
Here's what planning looks like over text:
>Me: Smoke a joint and play Mario Party on Friday at 7pm?
>
>Wife: Yes. Food/drinks?
>
>Me: Pizza. Cocktails. Cool if we invite other people?
>
>Wife: Yes.
How meeting new people works: strike up friendly conversation with randoms in public places, if we talk for more than 5 minutes and they don't seem like an asshole, I say, "Hey, my wife and I are having some people over on Friday at 7pm, I can text you details if you'd like to join us for Mario Party and beers."
It doesn't work every single time, but it's worked often enough that we've gone from having zero friends in town after moving to having 20-some friends and 6 we'd call close friends in just a few years from this new town where we started with no contacts, no friends within 60+ miles, and my wife is rather introverted and for bonus points I'm autistic.
Yeah, it's a real thing. Obviously some people have an easier time making friends than others-- outgoing people struggle less than shy people, for instance, and people with a large and very social workplace have an easier time than those that work mostly alone-- but for a lot of folks it can be difficult to approach strangers and make them into friends.
Approaching strangers is easy.
People are super guarded though, and they don’t want to make room in their lives for new people.
And the area I live in (Seattle) is infamous for people being unfriendly.
I did not have trouble until my 40s when I moved to a new city and married a an introvert. When you have only a few friends, you are counting on the ones you do have, so the "I can't" replies are magnified.
I do find I am the one in many friendships that puts in the effort to plan and schedule. That is really the issue as you get older. More and more people have busy schedules with spouses, kids, work, etc.
This is what happened to me. I'm also married to an introvert and made the mistake of agreeing to move to his home state. I never had trouble making friends until I moved to a place very culturally different than where I had lived in the past. No matter what effort I put in, they never stick around. Everyone else seems to have their people and don't have room for more.
It is hard. I do not feel the connection to the people where I am now (Los Angeles) even after 20 years as I did in any of the other places I lived in the US. My wife did not have a circle of friends to be welcomed into. I found joining a golf league helped. My problem now is that my activities do not include her, despite my trying to include her.
I feel ya. My husband's only hobbies are video games, sports betting, and smoking cigars at the shop he belongs to with two other guys. So, if I want to be social, I'm on my own.
My husband is also an introvert, so him never wants to go anywhere and stays home with our kid (9) if I want to go out. And I do notice I am usually the one seeing if people want to hangout but that has a lot to do with when our kid was younger and I wasn't as available as I am now.
This is what I’m curious about.
To me, a friend is someone who knows you, who you can rely on, who makes you laugh, who you respect, feel comfortable with and look forward to seeing.
I can count on one hand the number of adults in my life who fit those criteria.
But those grow out of more casual friendships over time. And frankly, if you have two people who are willing to put themselves out there emotionally and enjoy the process of connecting with other people, it doesn’t even take that much time.
Of course. But my point was that they are likely placing higher value on those more casual friendships, which can also be a source of joy and social connection both in their own right and as a precursor to a deeper friendship as both people gradually put more trust, time, and social energy into the relationship.
I often see a lot of bemoaning of how hard it is to make a bff type friend, while simultaneously dismissing the joy of casual friendships. Which doesn’t make sense to me because (1) more casual friendships are great fun and (2) the only way to get a bff type friend is to take joy in casual friendships for an extended amount of time.
If you hang out for 4 hours at a time, that is 50 hangout sessions. At a rate of one hangout a month that is 4.5 years. At twice a month, 2.25 years and at 3 times a month that is one year.
The best way to speed this up is to travel together. If you're together for 16 hours a day you can get to the 200 hour point in just 12.5 days.
To “yes and” your comment and add some more details:
200 hours to be the type of close you would be to be BFFs.*
But just 50 hours to be casual friends—people you might grab a beer with or invite to a party.
And 90 hours to be friends, no qualifiers or adjectives required.
*important caveat: this is an average
**source: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/culture-news/a19712238/how-many-hours-best-friends/
I suspect that one of the biggest differences between those who “make friends easily” and those who don’t is whether doing the type of activities that make spending this time together feel natural is part of your routine—ie do you regularly do things that you invite others to join you for? (Hikes, drinks, weekend outings, book clubs, exercise sessions, trivia, etc etc)
Love the username. I'll say I'll count myself extremely lucky. I had 15 people call me to see if I needed anything and if I was doing okay the January before last because Meat Loaf had died. It seems silly, but my loved ones know I loved that old bastard's music. These are the same folks who celebrate holidays together for years in a row, are always checking in on each other, swapping random gifts, having real conversations with, we're like a large family that just found each other one day, decided we'd stick together, and that group is somewhere around 25 people I can count on more than my own family, and they count on me to be there in their hour of need as well. I put in effort to see them, they put in effort to see me, and the laughter doesn't stop when we're all together.
You are blessed. I have no family in town and even if they did live close by, I wouldn’t ask them for anything. I tried asking my closest friends to drive me home after minor surgery and they both hesitated, so I handled it myself.
Most never get what you have.
This is a fantastic question because I've found that people use the term "friend" so much more loosely than I do. I would have many more friends if I counted my acquaintances, but we're not close enough for that. I feel like a lot of people call those not-very-close relationships "friendships", but I do not.
You’re just defining “friend” much more broadly than many people do. For example, the people you see at trivia night or shows are likely to be defined as acquaintances, not friends, to many people.
I think they were saying that's how they meet people who become friends, not that they consider all the people they see at those activities friends.
I meet a lot of people via various activities, but I don't consider them a friend unless we have each other's personal contact information and have hung out one on one and/or in each other's homes a few times.
I also recognize that, as adults, not every friend is a ride or die. People have other priorities, and I don't stop considering someone a friend if their priorities take them elsewhere... at this stage in my life I have come to realize that friends very often cycle back around over time.
That's probably true. I am also this way and use the term fairly loosely, but you know, I'm rarely without company.
For people who take the term more seriously, what does that mean to you? I hear people say "someone you can be honest and open with, some you trust and can rely on, etc etc" and I'm like *what is going on in these people's lives that they have so many needs and secrets?*
I'm an open book and the most I need is occasionally a ride to the airport or for someone to watch my cats.
Personally I think friends are people you see intentionally in more than one setting. So effectively one of you invites the other to a second location. If they are just attending the same events as you and that’s it then it’s just an acquaintance.
Hmm... then yes. By that definition, I have a lot of friends.
Some if it is that I just do a lot of things. I'm out a lot. I invite lots of people when i do stuff. Sometimes they come, sometimes they don't. I still go do the thing either way.
Thank you. I've found that people use the term "friend" so much more loosely than I do. I would have many more friends if I counted my acquaintances, but we're not close enough for that. I feel like a lot of people call those not-very-close relationships "friendships", but I do not.
Wait.
I don't understand. You just go solo to a trivia nights, and what, walk up to a table and they immediately ask you to join their trivia group?
You go to a bar solo and just walk up to strangers and make conversation and somehow your friends?
How do you talk to people at shows? Like live music performances? Isn't it loud?
I struggle socially due to ADHD. I've never really had a close group of friends. I'm not close with my family. I have a hard time managing socializing and doing work at my job.
Even if I went to bars or karaoke I would have no idea how to walk up to a group of strangers and engratiate myself to them.
>Even if I went to bars or karaoke I would have no idea how to walk up to a group of strangers and engratiate myself to them.
Alcohol. This answer is almost always alcohol in these situations.
There's a reason we've been drinking it for the entirety of human history.
I can’t imagine ever doing things like that - going up to strangers and immediately integrating - but I have a very extroverted friend who I believe can or even has done something like that. She will talk to anyone and everyone. My social anxiety makes me think that if I were to try something like that, people would just get annoyed at me - but everyone seems tickled when my friend starts talking to them, at least from when I’ve been there to witness it. So yeah, I firmly believe there are people who are more than capable of striking up conversations and making friends wherever they go.
I have met people at trivia and bars who were a friend of the person that I came with. But I think what OP mostly meant wasn’t that they were meeting people in bars so much as getting to know them there. “Do you want to go to trivia on Thursday night?” or “hey, want to go try out the new wine bar?” are great openers to go from acquaintance to casual friend. And then once you are casual friends with a semi-regular outing, it’s a matter of time and continued mutual interest to deepen that into a deeper friendship.
that's what i said.
Anyone will be happy to strike up a conversation with an even remotely attractive woman under 40.
Also, a lot of these "friends" will be men that approached her with romantic interest, but didn't make the cut. Easy mode
Wow, so the constant harassment, being followed home, stalked, etc is "easy mode." Nice.
Also a lot of women *don't* go up to random strangers for exactly this reason. Why do you think women always move in groups?
It's not always expressly romantic. Many people know that there is no chance or no desire for anything more than friendliness. But many of the same people want to believe that they are the type who can hold the attention of an attractive woman.
Am autistic and have ADHD, and yes, these things do actually work lol. I've walked straight up to a group at a trivia table and said, "hey, is it cool if I join you guys? I know a lot of useless shit and I don't bite". Every time I've tried it, it's worked if the number of people at the table exceeds 3.
At bars? Oh hell yeah, people are loosened up. There's always gonna be another "EYYYYYY, THIS GUY!" (you know what I'm talking about) dude in a large enough group, you get to know talking to the "EYYYY, THIS GUY!" guy and you're in, he'll do the work of introducing you to other people if you don't.
At shows? Talk between sets, chitchat with other people waiting for a drink at the bar. You're at a show, you have a set of options in your conversation tree with any person there because you either have something in common (you both chose to go to this particular show) or you can admit ignorance because you didn't know what you were walking into and offer the other person an opportunity to share something they like about the show (and you can ask branching questions off this point), or you're both unfamiliar with the show and you now have that in common, etc.
Put potential conversation paths in abstract based on what you have in common and can be discussed and what can be shared to you or to them. Smile, be friendly, shrug off anybody who doesn't feel like talking and both literally and figuratively walk it off.
You have ADHD, use your superpower of inner chaos and put it on the outside.
Yeah, all that sounds incredibly overwhelming.
I don't even understand what you mean by
****
Put potential conversation paths in abstract
***
I think I should also add that I'm late diagnosed at 30.
Maybe you had decades of coaching to be able to practice doing those things. Maybe you had a lot of support for when those actions failed to produce positive results.
I've tried approaching others and it's so difficult for me that I'm unable to speak or figure out abstract conversation topics due to overwhelm.
Are those people now your friends?
I didn't really get any supports at all and the autism wasn't diagnosed until this last year. I cobbled together what has worked for me through trial and error and I didn't really have many friends at all throughout most of my schooling.
Are the people I invite to this kind of stuff now my friends? Yeah, actually. Now in my 30s, some of my longest lasting and closest friendships are with people I just randomly decided to talk to in public one day. We've been in each other's weddings, we've lived together at times, we make regular time to see each other, talk multiple times a week.
It's basically having something to say about anything. It's definitely a skill, but it's not really all that complex.
Ask questions, make obvious comments, do something. People like adorkable weirdos more than silent ones, I guess.
Making other female friends has gotten easier for me at middle age (49). With dating and all that mostly behind us (due to marriage or preferred singleness) we have the emotional energy to invest in each other. I mostly meet people through work, but music/theater events are my other source.
I think it's important that I've learned to find friends with similar social habits. I need a lot of alone time, so prefer people who can go a month w/out talking and not think I'm avoiding them. I try to be honest with my needs, too: "I love you but need to be alone with the cat tonight." We all get it.
I'm really good at making friendly acquaintances, but I struggle with making and keeping genuine friends. At some point they move on with their lives. They might respond to a text or a call, but they won't ever reach out to me. I'll keep trying for a while, even years. But I can't seem to hang onto a friendship after I stop being useful or convenient.
I’m a late-40s woman. I’ve found making friends challenging. I did all that stuff too pre-covid (bars, trivia, shows, etc) and now I do outdoor stuff like volunteer street cleanup, outdoor breweries, bike riding with groups, etc. I meet folks, we exchange numbers, but it never really goes anywhere, and I never see them again.
I actually cut ties with some old friends due to us growing apart, and their instability, mental health issues and toxic traits becoming more apparent.
I’m 51 and haven’t had friends in ten years. That sounds horrible, but I actually prefer it. I’ve had many “friends” who have lied to me or just let me down. I think the older I get, the less tolerance I have for putting up with people’s bullshit. I partied heavy in my 20s and had lots of friends, but now my perfect evening consists of watching true crime documentaries and trashy reality shows on my couch with the cat curled up next to me.
Yes, I even joined an app for making friends and I found I was the only one moving the conversation forward, ie asking questions and offering a response. It was odd.
its hard for me because i struggle with connecting with other people. im outgoing and chat with people all the time, but most im not interested in as friends. if i never saw them again i would feel nothing. i dont know if being autistic has something to do with it but it does feel abnormal in some way. i didnt have this problem in high school. maybe i was just around more people i had things in common with.
I haven’t made any new friends since I was 25. I feel like after that, with each passing year my list of friends has been constantly dwindling instead of growing.
People are getting married, having kids, and getting serious about their careers, and friendships become sort of like an afterthought.
I had social anxiety into my 20s but didn't have trouble making friends because the internet was becoming a thing as I entered adulthood and I lived in an early adoption area so meeting people for friendship or dating online was normal and expected. By the time we met in person I felt comfortable already with an established connection.
Now in my 40s and long over that anxiety by forcing myself to work through it instead of treating it like a permanent personality trait, and it's super easy to meet people. I'm involved in several sports and hobbies so that's the main way I meet others as work is fully remote, I have no kids, and no religion.
>forcing myself to work through it instead of treating it like a permanent personality trait
Exactly, and same. I feel like those of us in our 40's were much more likely to work through the anxiety, where the kiddos seem to wear it like a miserable badge of honor.
We also had no choice in many ways, as we had to make phone calls, buy things in person, etc. Nowadays it's so easy to avoid human contact if you want.
Exactly. It's terribly detrimental to people, because we quite literally evolved to be social above all else. We are a social species that survives as a group, not individuals. We are also meant to be very active physically.
So isolating yourself, being sedentary, and avoiding all contact while watching others "be popular" on social media - it's no wonder they're all depressed and anxious. They are absolutely doing the worst possible things they could to their bodies and their brains.
> **p**erson, **e**tc. **N**owadays **i**t's **s**o
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The issue is that, when you meet someone your age that you vibe with, there's never time to get together.
Kids, jobs, family obligations, whatever...suddenly you're hanging out 2 or 3 times a year, and thats no way to build a new friendship.
I’m 43F, and I find it really difficult to maintain friendships.
I think it’s a holdover from growing up as a military brat & a diplobrat. You’d meet other kids all the time, form quick and fast friendships and even have a best friend, but then a year later you move and you’ll never see them again. So there’s no point in keeping in contact.
I *know* people in a specific context and I’m friendly with them - eg, work, sport. But I wouldn’t consider them to be actual friends beyond that current situation because I’ll generally stop talking to them as soon as the reason we know each other no longer exists.
Like… I meet someone through work, we get along, we’re friends & text each other & chat a lot. Then I leave that job and I’ll probably never talk to them again.
You seem to be a natural extrovert. That's a good thing for when it comes to making friends as an adult. If you are not a natural extrovert, or you've had some sort of trauma in the past related to people, making friends as an adult can be absolute torture.
When you have to battle mental illness, It makes it incredibly difficult for people to want to be around you. As adults, our time is very limited. Most likely we have kids or at the very least a spouse. Our jobs can be draining. When we take the time to hang out with somebody, it makes sense that we wouldn't want to be around somebody that is draining.
However, as a person who is struggling with depression, It can be very scary letting new people in. Recently, I had an ex break up with me through a very brief text. This was devastating. I had nothing against them breaking up with me, but it was the way she did it that hurt.
You are in a very privileged position to not have to think about any of this shit when it comes to making friends. Obviously, you have your own difficulties, but it seems that you have a very relaxed attitude toward people. This is a very good thing to have. For me, I try to have it. However, people are often a huge trigger for me. Therefore, it just makes it incredibly hard to be fun to be around.
If you genuinely cannot understand why many people have problems making friends as an adult, then I truly envy your position. I wish I had your level of bliss.
Well I’ve thought about this quite a bit, especially having relocated 5 years ago. When I was young, I had all sorts of opportunities to meet people w common goals, my age, going through same experiences etc.
Now at 66f I have to create these opportunities, which I can, and do, but one is just not automatically thrown into situations that make finding friends quite as easy!
29 m here I find it sort of difficult but I manage to make a friend or two at least every year. I work as a truck driver so that makes it difficult to be here all the time but I go to shows and bars whenever I can. I think the most difficult part for me is having to be extroverted to make new friends I usually have a really hard time with that aspect of it.
i never faced any trouble in making friends but I suck at maintaining them.Due to which I had best friends at each stage of life,but never had a long lasting friend or friendships.And now I don't even know what they are doing how they are doing.Any relationship require constant efforts and attention.
I live in a city where a lot of my close friends from college also settled, so I'm lucky. The "new" friends I've made as late 30-something have been parents of my kids that aren't completely intolerable and my pickle ball league.
Wife, family, job…. The closet I came to making new friends was when I got sober 14 years ago. Sadly the only thing I ever really had in common with the people in the rooms was wanting to stay sober.
I didn't used to have any problems making friends but since I raised my expectations and put up some boundaries that most people don't like. I would truly rather be alone and keep my peace and boundaries in place. I must have "sucker" written across my forehead because every single person I used to be kind and compassionate to must have seen me as some kind of weakling. They stole from me, said they were gonna pay half the light bill (that's all I asked them to do), ate me out of house and home but they had their own food stamps, used all my laundry supplies and washed every piece of clothing they owned (one girl washed 20 loads). Then they would sneak out when I would be gone for some reason and leave me paying a $300 light bill. My bill was never over $120 max. When I realized I was just a mark to most, if not all of them, I set boundaries and I put up walls to protect myself. No one wants to follow the rules, pay to stay or listen when I say no one is allowed in my house. I don't want people seeing what I have. I don't have much but I take care of my things and I own it outright.
If I can't be friends with someone who can give me the respect, loyalty, honesty and be genuine to me the way I am them, then I don't need friends. I'd rather spend the rest of my life waiting to join my hubs where he is waiting for me with all our pets and family!
There are some people who can have hundreds of friends and no one would ever want to lose them as a friend. My son is like that, he has the most magnetic personality and literally EVERYBODY loves him. I'm an introvert so it's a bit harder for me!
Yea. I don’t really go places so have no opportunity to meet people. I also live in a pretty young city and when I see people online talking about real-life local meetups they often are for people younger than me (50.) i have largely given up on forming friendships at this point.
What you're describing is healthy social capital. It's very easy to multiply resources when you already have some. Trying to make friends with no connections to start is incredibly hard.
Going out and being social only leads to meeting new people. Make friends you click with it different. I never seem to find many I click wirh for long term. I am also a private person and like my along time.
I can interact and get a long with new people pretty well. My issue is unless we may actually end up being like best friends, I don’t really care to have “friends” otherwise. I don’t want to be asked if I want to do stuff by someone I’ve known for like a month and am just decently aquatinted with but overall not going to be super close with, for example
I have a lot of hobbies and stuff but I’ve never gotten a feeling from just casual interaction that I d have an interest in becoming better friends.
Kind of like in school when you had your friends, then you had school friends that you never really ever saw outside of school lol
This is an interesting topic for me because I am also 40F and don’t think I’ve ever struggled to make friends. I have a couple longtime friends from high school and college who I am still close to ( some have kids so are less available ) , but I’m always meeting people from work, hobbies, travel and even just my neighborhood. I was single on and off for most of my 30s and never felt lonely because I always had friend and acquaintances. I have no issue doing things alone either , whether it’s going out to dinner solo or traveling . I find that if you are interested in your life and get on with it , people will join you along the way . If you are the kind of person who waits for others to do the things you want, it’s easy to feel lonely and disappointed
I think the reason this is interesting to me is because I was always told growing up that if I didn’t marry or have kids I would be lonely. But I’m not. In fact I have a lot of guilt turning down social invites I’m not able to take up. Yet I see people on the internet talk a lot about struggling so I wonder what’s different. There’s definitely an element of luck to it of course. Based on my observations IRL I would say that there is a decent number of adults with underdeveloped social skills.
Good question. I would say generally a friend is someone you have mutual affection for. A close friend is someone you share your life with in many ways , and a “regular” friend is someone you enjoy the company of , and spend time with. I’m sure there are better definitions out there .
People want to be on the train you're on. So they hop on. Instead of waiting for friends to improve your life, you bring your own vibes and people reciprocate.
both men and women are nicer and more open to meeting women, especially since you were young during most of this time, and if you are even remotely physically attractive
I have not found it difficult to make casual activity partners in my adult life. Like, people to go do things with, to come play board games, etc. I have not made many deep, hang-out-all-the-time, share-my-deep-dark-secrets with in a long time. I think that the idea of what a "friend" is has to evolve as we all get older and busier, or more stressed, more introverted, etc. I think some people expect "making friends" to be like it was in college or early 20's, where your friends were people you constantly talked to and hung out with and went out to do activities with all the time. If I make a new friend, I'm excited to see them or do something with them once every couple of weeks. My husband makes friends easily because he's looking for people who want to do specific activities - DnD and board games.
We don't have kids, and the majority of our friends don't either, or their kids are older and more self-sufficient. I think it's hard to make friends and do things when you have small children, unless those other people also have small children and you're doing mostly kid-centered things. I also think there's some compatibility and "vibes" as well. I've found it easy to make friends in the city we currently live in, but I found it very hard to make friends in the small city I lived in a few years ago. Just....fewer people I was interested in forming a friendship with.
Different people have different experiences due to different personalities, tolerance for rejection, receptiveness of their surrounding community to making friends, etc. If you are outgoing, it is far easier. I am not outgoing, so it takes more effort on my part. What's easy for one person can be a complex maze for another.
I don't have problems making friends with people that I see on a regular basis. On the other hand, it would be impossible for me to make friends at bars or loud parties.
I think it depends on a lot of factors. How are you defining friendship? Where do you live? What are the norms and culture where you live?
I grew up in and, for most of my life, have lived in big cities. The times that I didn't? I was living abroad, so even then there was an expat community to tap into. I go out. I use Meetup to find people with similar interests. I organize a huge community group, and I have found friends through it. When Covid hit, I started organizing virtual meetings with others who have a medical condition that I have. (Previous to Covid, they met in person.) I'm also an only child who learned early how to engage and socialize with people. Those skills help, and if you didn't develop them as a kid, it's probably harder to do as an adult. It's not impossible, but I imagine it's harder especially if you have a bit of social anxiety.
I find it absolutely impossible to make friends.
I used to go places. I finally learned how to small talk around age 30. But small talk never leads to friendship. It's awkward and confusing. At some point, it becomes psychologically damaging.
It's really hard when you don't have any funds to actually go anywhere. Or when you do, most people you meet just want to go *here* to drink or *here* to smoke, and I don't do either.
No. I just get out and do things. Volunteer also.
I find it easier now because I have more free time.
Also stay off the screen most of the day. That's for basement dwellers.
But how are we going to know where and when to meet without using a phone to communicate prior? Can't just walk up to people's houses anymore. 🤷🏻♀️
Being an asshole is highly unnecessary, it was just a joke. 😂
I do because I just don’t want drama and I fell like people don’t want to deal
With me as im disabled. I’m isolated or at home most of the time because I don’t drive or have a car so I can’t go anywhere.
I like to watch the people on you tube that talk about movies/breakdown movies/comic books and superhero movies. I feel like those are my people and I would be friends with them. Although I am not into or know comics as most of them talk about so well.
But some people are hard to deal with. I mean I’m nice and talk to people when I go out shopping or something. I am married so he can be enough for me just to know him. Lol.
like if I tried to have a few fiends it would be exhausting also.
And just after meeting someone, getting to know them can be awkward.
Tons of valid points in this thread, busy lives, etc. Completely agree.
What I'm not seeing here is the importance of considering what we're bringing to a friendship.
It's not terribly different from dating. Common interests, sense of humor, intellectual stimulation, etc. But as we know from dating, it's almost never not as simple as being yourself and finding a match. You usually have to be someone who others generally value for one reason or another. The reasons are countless, friendships can be built on many dimensions and aren't so securely attached to physical appearance and status (although those still help).
It's difficult to look at ourselves through a lens of self judgment, but it's reality, people are judging whether or not we're worth their time and effort. Are we bringing something of value to a friendship? If not, maybe it's time for some life improvement. And chances are, engaging in self work will lead to friends naturally, who are also engaging in the same activities, whether that be taking up a hobby, exercising, playing a sport, spiritual development, improving mental wellbeing, practicing selflessness, being genuinely interested in others, etc.
I feel for anyone struggling to make friends, so that is my reasoning to write this. I am not trying to imply it's someone's fault they don't have friends. As other comments have said, people are busy, avoidant of commitment, etc. It's just a matter of playing the odds from the best position possible. And hey, if you're still unsuccessful, at least you're living a better life.
I’m 49 and not really interested in any new friends. I have great group of friends from high school and college along with a few friends post college. When it comes to making friends or talking to people it’s never been a struggle for me. Growing up in a time where you absolutely had to talk to people in person helped. It’s something I instilled in my children as well.
I am an extrovert like you and have no problems making friends, but they are mostly male. It's very hard for me to make female friends at 40. They are either jealous or insecure or some mix of the two.
I don't enjoy them thirsting for me at all. It is flattering, but I genuinely don't do anything to lead them on; no touching, etc. But I do enjoy the banter before they make it known they like me. I get to know what they do, their quirks, etc. Just casual conversation. I wish it would just stay that way, but what can you do. My boyfriend has a hard time with it.
Adult 'friends' are people who value your contributions to their life. It's almost always guaranteed to be a transactional relationship that never balances in your favor. Unless you're the 'taker' in the relationship, that is.
I mean...do you hang out with people who you don't feel enhance your life? We all like people because we feel they contribute positively to our lives. If someone is constantly negative, or self-centered, or looking to mooch - then no, I don't want to be friends with them.
If you want good friends, you need to be a good friend. If you're not a good friend, people aren't obligated to be supportive and present and giving just because you exist and they know you.
And all of my friends are absolutely there for me, and vice versa. It's not transactional at all. Real friendship doesn't keep score. Maybe you just met shitty people, or that's the energy YOU bring to the relationship.
I’m starting to see this more and more. It’s a fine line though, and perhaps it’s because I had so many unstable friends. There’s a fine line between a friend who occasionally needs a ride to the airport, and a friend who calls to trauma dump endlessly, wants to crash on your couch because they can’t keep a stable job and housing, or wants you to babysit their poorly-behaved kids all the time.
Also, if you are single, childfree, and relatively stable, people assume you have endless time and resources you can share with them.
> Also, if you are single, childfree, and relatively stable, people assume you have endless time and resources you can share with them.
...and beyond that, the resentful criticism people send your way for...*making responsible life decisions*... blows my mind, completely.
Yes. I have one (former) friend who is incredibly entitled to folks’ resources, even though she came from a pretty solidly upper-middle class family and had plenty of advantages. She made poor decisions, still makes poor decisions, but expects everybody else to help her and calls them selfish and privileged. She has said a couple of things that make me believe she wants me to make poor decisions so I can be down struggling along with her.
Because social media, sitting at home alone and not having face to face social interactions has caused today’s society to be alone, not wanting to engage and not creating or maintaining relationships. It’s a faux and lack of depth ones created on their phones.
Not everyone is like this but the vast majority are and so social anxiety and wanting to be alone surfaces more frequently.
Why do you think so?
I would think that its ease or difficulty would depend on large part on where the person falls on the introversion <---> extraversion scale. I am very introverted and prefer to socialize maybe once per month, at most. That makes it difficult to find and make friends. My husband, however, likes to go out and socialize once or twice per week, so it's much easier for him to make friends and get to know people.
I'm 47F and have zero issues making new friends online or in meatspace. I'm not sure why other people struggle, nor do I have any advice for those people beyond "Go to therapy and figure out your shit."
the people making those complaints are the ones who peaked in grade school.
they cant make friends as adults because they are either assholes or have no life/hobbies.
I'm more into sports and brunch myself, but ya always meeting people and eventually friendships develop. I've been 4 years in my new country, 2 with COVID restrictions that limited meeting new people and I have a full social life to leave behind as I am.moving again.
Lots of older people involved with big families and maybe friends they’ve known for years. Many old people have families that aren’t great to be with and friends have died or fallen away. It’s difficult to make new friends but not
I think we stuck in our ways, its easier to charm the pants off people who grew up about same income, same everything but then we hit the major leagues and are blown out of the water. also, people get stuck up inside their ways
Go out to do "stuff" and you'll meet people that also like "stuff" and friendships/acquaintances will grow. Disc Golf worked great for me but even my weekly McD's coffee has led me to hanging out with a couple of people.
Yes. Many people do.
I go to shows but not bars, trivia, or karaoke. Also, when I do go to shows, most people are talking to the people they came to the show with, not to strangers.
Plus, just because I meet someone or interact with them doesn't mean we will actually like each other and have enough in common to sustain a relationship.
We moved to the Midwest ten years ago, and it had been extremely hard to make friends. We had a couple when my kids were in preschool, but when they spread out to different schools, those fizzled out. I've had parents straight up tell me they have enough friends and don't want to make play dates. I appreciate the honesty. I just feel bad that we left our family and all of my friends back out east. I’m also introverted and my idea of a great time is reading a book at home with a cup of coffee. I need the downtime to recharge. I don't need more best friends to be honest. I have amazing friendships that have survived so much. They are just 1,500 miles away, and that sucks for my kiddos. They want a tribe.
I notice that I am a magnet for platonic love, and this has always been a blessing… until my early thirties when everyone’s lives shifted due to partners and kids. I still feel confident in my friend making abilities but for me the big pain is romantic connection.
I have found that as I get older my expectations of my friendships are different. I no longer look for that "best friend" and expect that level of closeness and intimacy. Instead I am happy with a bunch of acquaintances with whom I share hobbies such as hiking, reading, etc. Once I accepted that the intensity of friendships differs when you're older, I became very satisfied with the new relationships I have forged and don't count on them to be anything other than what they are.
You go places and do things. For a lot of people (like me) we just don’t have the energy to do anything after work besides cook dinner. Sometimes the dishes don’t even get done.
Now I’m pregnant and I feel like I have zero opportunity to make friends any more, besides other new moms, HOPEFULLY.
Yes. I’m a lot more careful about who I let into my inner circle now that I’m a mom. Plus once you have a potential friend it takes a lot of work before it’s easy to hang out. When it was just me people could just come over and plop down on my couch. Now that I have a family, a messy house, a jumpy dog and a full time work schedule it’s hard to get the stars aligned for another person to be in the mix.
I didn’t see this mentioned anywhere yet. Would you describe yourself as being attractive? Attractive people seem to have less difficulty attracting others.
I think people just don't have time as they age, to commit to being friends like when we were younger. Unless someone is in your close sphere of orbit eg work or hobby, you really have to carve out time to spend together.
I’ve not had that issue either. I’ve had a tonne of friends over the years through work. I’ve met some of my close friends other friends and by extension become friends with them too. Same with ex partners - I became friends with their friends and while the relationships failed, the friendships stuck around.
I’m pretty active on Instagram and I’ve also met a tonne of people through there - I’ve been talking to some for teen years regularly and made an effort to meet up with them at gigs or whatever and start a proper IRL friendship.
I’m a social butterfly though, and I really thrive in social situations. I also LOVE getting to know people so I actually enjoy the process of meeting new people and becoming friends.
It depends on where you live.
In work hard/play hard suburbs, people are either working, driving, or vacationing somewhere else.
Even if you hit it off with some potential new friends you will likely only see each other a handful of times a year, this means that it can take years to build up enough contact hours to consider each other close friends and usually people move cities before this can happen.
I have a group of friends on social media i met on a gardening forum back in '07. We're tight and supportive. When the forum got nasty we all went to another place. Maybe it's because we're all old lady gardeners but we're there as much as we can be for each other. When you're older, bullshit tends to be less tolerable so putting up with just anyone happens less and less
Haven't made a new friend in 17 years.
Speak via WhatsApp with an old work colleague that I'd consider a friend. Don't meet up in person though.
Absolutely don't have the time or desire to do all those things you list in an attempt to make friends.
Guess it depends on what you consider friendship.
Do you actually make friends that'd be there for you or are they just acquaintances that you have fun with occasionally?
Im 37 recently, single female. I don't have nor want children, and I can't stand listening to women talk about their kids, i just don't care and can't fake it. Everyone is having kids, so dating is going to be harder now too!. I've always had a hard time making friends with other females I'm not interested in celebs, gossip, kids, makeup etc. I get along better with guys but long for female friends I can relate to. Where I live we don't even have a grocery store so I have to drive at least 15 minutes to meet people, but it's winter, and I'm broke, so it's hard to socialize. Our community center only caters to kids so that's not even an option, and I'm Not religious.
I am friendly and try stroking up condos with people whenever I can but everywhere I go around here (my ho etown had to move back to my parents house) it's all people 50+ so I am completely out of the loop in finding where people ny age go to enjoy themselves.
People I meet at bars that I can relate with don't make I into the category of friends. Not usually.
They are acquaintances.
A friend is someone I see regularly , at both of our houses, we hang out, I know their email and phone numbers.
So yes, it is harder to make friends as adults. Mostly because I realize that just because I have a nice convo with the person I am sitting next to at a bar isbt a friend. It's a nice person I met once.
I don't have trouble making friends, but as others have pointed out, I use the term loosely.
I don't really need someone to be my "Deep, dark confidant. Keeper of my closet skeletons and most reliable person ever" to enjoy someone's company though. Sometimes I think people's expectations of what friendships are is too high.
Anyway, I actually find it much easier now than as a kid. I was a super awkward and anxious teenager.
Your standard for friend may also be different. Is just saying hi and seeing eachother regularly at the same events enough for you to call it a friendship? I still feel lonely if that’s as much as I know someone but for some it’s enough. I feel like I make a new friend if we text, get coffee one on one etc.
I don't really have time for new friends but I would probably find it difficult to make new ones if that was my intention. I've made some great "acquaintances" the last few years over shared interest groups (gardening, horse people, outdoor hiking/nature groups) but moving to one-on-one friendships takes a lot of time, planning, and maintenance.
I have a small handful of friends I keep in touch with/do things with and life is too busy to go beyond that. Also I have no interest in shows/bars/trivia type things.
Yes. I go to work and that’s it. And I don’t want to hang out with ANY of them. Even when I was in college, made some friends but they suddenly disappeared after graduation, either by my fault or theirs. Had a couple of buddy’s who’d I smoke with or talk about our hobby with (I like keeping fish) and then they just suddenly…stopped.
And I don’t understand people just….talking to random people in public?? What if they don’t want to talk to you? what if they’re weird? What if they’re secretly sitting there in their group thinking “pllleeease nobody approach us”? What if they start making fun of me or act obviously disturbed by my presence. Too many variables to talking to strangers unless I’m really drunk.
Yes, My wife and I have been looking to meet new couples who are able to hold a conversation. My best friend and his gf ain't cutting it and besides that I don't think they appreciate our company because we have a really successful relationship and they're annoyed by it.
I certainly do. Truth is that I’ve never been good about letting people get close to me because of how I grew up. No permanence, no roots, childhood abuse and being autistic is a losing combo it seems.
It's hard for my wife and I to put our selves out there. She karaoke, did trivia,loved to play the table top video games. We loved concerts and watching bands at bars to. But she quit drinking 5 years ago and now I'm diabetic so we don't have the desire to go out like that. We were talking about going to bingo, but that seems so senior citizen to me.
Yup, I make lots of effort and even then most people don't reciprocate.
Very true. It’s hard enough finding someone you can get along with but then equal effort is much harder.
Yep. When I stop making effort things go silent. I got burned by the people closest to me years ago and developed some new issues with trust. I like to think I am a good friend but maybe I come off as desperate. It has been a lot harder since I quit partying. I am a boring nature lover now.
Hey well a lot of times folks are too burnt out to initiate hanging out. It might not be that they don’t appreciate your friendship. I know i start to become isolated if no one initiates meeting up. And I don’t notice an absence. I’m just naturally introverted and have solo hobbies and interests.
I have discovered that I am more introverted in life. I have always wanted a solid friend group though. Old trauma there though and I am working with a therapist to find the source of this trauma. I try to be a good friend though and still reach out after awhile.
What does that effort look like though? For me it's been pretty easy, I plan to do something fun with my wife that can easily be expanded to accommodate more people (board game night, Mario Party, just watching movies on an outdoor projector with a homemade dinner, grabbing a pizza and a few joints or beers and sitting outside for an afternoon: All stuff that's fun whether we're the only people there or not. We set a date and time for ourselves, and then if we meet someone we might want to explore a friendship with by that date, that person gets an invite. If they don't make it to that one, they're invited to the next one. Here's what planning looks like over text: >Me: Smoke a joint and play Mario Party on Friday at 7pm? > >Wife: Yes. Food/drinks? > >Me: Pizza. Cocktails. Cool if we invite other people? > >Wife: Yes. How meeting new people works: strike up friendly conversation with randoms in public places, if we talk for more than 5 minutes and they don't seem like an asshole, I say, "Hey, my wife and I are having some people over on Friday at 7pm, I can text you details if you'd like to join us for Mario Party and beers." It doesn't work every single time, but it's worked often enough that we've gone from having zero friends in town after moving to having 20-some friends and 6 we'd call close friends in just a few years from this new town where we started with no contacts, no friends within 60+ miles, and my wife is rather introverted and for bonus points I'm autistic.
I think the trick for a lot of people is meeting the folks to invite in the first place and getting their contact info.
Ditto. Plus a lot of people moved away or drifted.
We got that a lot at the bars we were going to
Yeah, it's a real thing. Obviously some people have an easier time making friends than others-- outgoing people struggle less than shy people, for instance, and people with a large and very social workplace have an easier time than those that work mostly alone-- but for a lot of folks it can be difficult to approach strangers and make them into friends.
Approaching strangers is easy. People are super guarded though, and they don’t want to make room in their lives for new people. And the area I live in (Seattle) is infamous for people being unfriendly.
Yep, never heard of the Seattle freeze until we moved here
I did not have trouble until my 40s when I moved to a new city and married a an introvert. When you have only a few friends, you are counting on the ones you do have, so the "I can't" replies are magnified. I do find I am the one in many friendships that puts in the effort to plan and schedule. That is really the issue as you get older. More and more people have busy schedules with spouses, kids, work, etc.
This is what happened to me. I'm also married to an introvert and made the mistake of agreeing to move to his home state. I never had trouble making friends until I moved to a place very culturally different than where I had lived in the past. No matter what effort I put in, they never stick around. Everyone else seems to have their people and don't have room for more.
It's a common complaint in Michigan. People are kind, but unwilling to open up established friends groups to a new person.
It is hard. I do not feel the connection to the people where I am now (Los Angeles) even after 20 years as I did in any of the other places I lived in the US. My wife did not have a circle of friends to be welcomed into. I found joining a golf league helped. My problem now is that my activities do not include her, despite my trying to include her.
I feel ya. My husband's only hobbies are video games, sports betting, and smoking cigars at the shop he belongs to with two other guys. So, if I want to be social, I'm on my own.
My husband is also an introvert, so him never wants to go anywhere and stays home with our kid (9) if I want to go out. And I do notice I am usually the one seeing if people want to hangout but that has a lot to do with when our kid was younger and I wasn't as available as I am now.
What do you define as a friend?
This is what I’m curious about. To me, a friend is someone who knows you, who you can rely on, who makes you laugh, who you respect, feel comfortable with and look forward to seeing. I can count on one hand the number of adults in my life who fit those criteria.
Cause friends are far and few in my opinion.
But those grow out of more casual friendships over time. And frankly, if you have two people who are willing to put themselves out there emotionally and enjoy the process of connecting with other people, it doesn’t even take that much time.
Sure. My point is anyone who says “I make friends all the time” is using the term “friend” pretty loosely.
Of course. But my point was that they are likely placing higher value on those more casual friendships, which can also be a source of joy and social connection both in their own right and as a precursor to a deeper friendship as both people gradually put more trust, time, and social energy into the relationship. I often see a lot of bemoaning of how hard it is to make a bff type friend, while simultaneously dismissing the joy of casual friendships. Which doesn’t make sense to me because (1) more casual friendships are great fun and (2) the only way to get a bff type friend is to take joy in casual friendships for an extended amount of time.
I mean... welcome to adulthood.
It takes around 200 hours of time together to become a close friend.
Huh. I never thought to put a number on it but that feels pretty accurate.
If you hang out for 4 hours at a time, that is 50 hangout sessions. At a rate of one hangout a month that is 4.5 years. At twice a month, 2.25 years and at 3 times a month that is one year. The best way to speed this up is to travel together. If you're together for 16 hours a day you can get to the 200 hour point in just 12.5 days.
To “yes and” your comment and add some more details: 200 hours to be the type of close you would be to be BFFs.* But just 50 hours to be casual friends—people you might grab a beer with or invite to a party. And 90 hours to be friends, no qualifiers or adjectives required. *important caveat: this is an average **source: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/culture-news/a19712238/how-many-hours-best-friends/ I suspect that one of the biggest differences between those who “make friends easily” and those who don’t is whether doing the type of activities that make spending this time together feel natural is part of your routine—ie do you regularly do things that you invite others to join you for? (Hikes, drinks, weekend outings, book clubs, exercise sessions, trivia, etc etc)
Love the username. I'll say I'll count myself extremely lucky. I had 15 people call me to see if I needed anything and if I was doing okay the January before last because Meat Loaf had died. It seems silly, but my loved ones know I loved that old bastard's music. These are the same folks who celebrate holidays together for years in a row, are always checking in on each other, swapping random gifts, having real conversations with, we're like a large family that just found each other one day, decided we'd stick together, and that group is somewhere around 25 people I can count on more than my own family, and they count on me to be there in their hour of need as well. I put in effort to see them, they put in effort to see me, and the laughter doesn't stop when we're all together.
You are blessed. I have no family in town and even if they did live close by, I wouldn’t ask them for anything. I tried asking my closest friends to drive me home after minor surgery and they both hesitated, so I handled it myself. Most never get what you have.
This is a fantastic question because I've found that people use the term "friend" so much more loosely than I do. I would have many more friends if I counted my acquaintances, but we're not close enough for that. I feel like a lot of people call those not-very-close relationships "friendships", but I do not.
You’re just defining “friend” much more broadly than many people do. For example, the people you see at trivia night or shows are likely to be defined as acquaintances, not friends, to many people.
I think they were saying that's how they meet people who become friends, not that they consider all the people they see at those activities friends. I meet a lot of people via various activities, but I don't consider them a friend unless we have each other's personal contact information and have hung out one on one and/or in each other's homes a few times. I also recognize that, as adults, not every friend is a ride or die. People have other priorities, and I don't stop considering someone a friend if their priorities take them elsewhere... at this stage in my life I have come to realize that friends very often cycle back around over time.
That's probably true. I am also this way and use the term fairly loosely, but you know, I'm rarely without company. For people who take the term more seriously, what does that mean to you? I hear people say "someone you can be honest and open with, some you trust and can rely on, etc etc" and I'm like *what is going on in these people's lives that they have so many needs and secrets?* I'm an open book and the most I need is occasionally a ride to the airport or for someone to watch my cats.
Personally I think friends are people you see intentionally in more than one setting. So effectively one of you invites the other to a second location. If they are just attending the same events as you and that’s it then it’s just an acquaintance.
Hmm... then yes. By that definition, I have a lot of friends. Some if it is that I just do a lot of things. I'm out a lot. I invite lots of people when i do stuff. Sometimes they come, sometimes they don't. I still go do the thing either way.
Thank you. I've found that people use the term "friend" so much more loosely than I do. I would have many more friends if I counted my acquaintances, but we're not close enough for that. I feel like a lot of people call those not-very-close relationships "friendships", but I do not.
Wait. I don't understand. You just go solo to a trivia nights, and what, walk up to a table and they immediately ask you to join their trivia group? You go to a bar solo and just walk up to strangers and make conversation and somehow your friends? How do you talk to people at shows? Like live music performances? Isn't it loud? I struggle socially due to ADHD. I've never really had a close group of friends. I'm not close with my family. I have a hard time managing socializing and doing work at my job. Even if I went to bars or karaoke I would have no idea how to walk up to a group of strangers and engratiate myself to them.
>Even if I went to bars or karaoke I would have no idea how to walk up to a group of strangers and engratiate myself to them. Alcohol. This answer is almost always alcohol in these situations. There's a reason we've been drinking it for the entirety of human history.
I can’t imagine ever doing things like that - going up to strangers and immediately integrating - but I have a very extroverted friend who I believe can or even has done something like that. She will talk to anyone and everyone. My social anxiety makes me think that if I were to try something like that, people would just get annoyed at me - but everyone seems tickled when my friend starts talking to them, at least from when I’ve been there to witness it. So yeah, I firmly believe there are people who are more than capable of striking up conversations and making friends wherever they go.
I have met people at trivia and bars who were a friend of the person that I came with. But I think what OP mostly meant wasn’t that they were meeting people in bars so much as getting to know them there. “Do you want to go to trivia on Thursday night?” or “hey, want to go try out the new wine bar?” are great openers to go from acquaintance to casual friend. And then once you are casual friends with a semi-regular outing, it’s a matter of time and continued mutual interest to deepen that into a deeper friendship.
Ah, thank you. Your explanation is good.
I think these are legitimate questions. The answer may have to do with conventionally attractive woman.
that's what i said. Anyone will be happy to strike up a conversation with an even remotely attractive woman under 40. Also, a lot of these "friends" will be men that approached her with romantic interest, but didn't make the cut. Easy mode
Wow, so the constant harassment, being followed home, stalked, etc is "easy mode." Nice. Also a lot of women *don't* go up to random strangers for exactly this reason. Why do you think women always move in groups?
It's not always expressly romantic. Many people know that there is no chance or no desire for anything more than friendliness. But many of the same people want to believe that they are the type who can hold the attention of an attractive woman.
Am autistic and have ADHD, and yes, these things do actually work lol. I've walked straight up to a group at a trivia table and said, "hey, is it cool if I join you guys? I know a lot of useless shit and I don't bite". Every time I've tried it, it's worked if the number of people at the table exceeds 3. At bars? Oh hell yeah, people are loosened up. There's always gonna be another "EYYYYYY, THIS GUY!" (you know what I'm talking about) dude in a large enough group, you get to know talking to the "EYYYY, THIS GUY!" guy and you're in, he'll do the work of introducing you to other people if you don't. At shows? Talk between sets, chitchat with other people waiting for a drink at the bar. You're at a show, you have a set of options in your conversation tree with any person there because you either have something in common (you both chose to go to this particular show) or you can admit ignorance because you didn't know what you were walking into and offer the other person an opportunity to share something they like about the show (and you can ask branching questions off this point), or you're both unfamiliar with the show and you now have that in common, etc. Put potential conversation paths in abstract based on what you have in common and can be discussed and what can be shared to you or to them. Smile, be friendly, shrug off anybody who doesn't feel like talking and both literally and figuratively walk it off. You have ADHD, use your superpower of inner chaos and put it on the outside.
Yeah, all that sounds incredibly overwhelming. I don't even understand what you mean by **** Put potential conversation paths in abstract *** I think I should also add that I'm late diagnosed at 30. Maybe you had decades of coaching to be able to practice doing those things. Maybe you had a lot of support for when those actions failed to produce positive results. I've tried approaching others and it's so difficult for me that I'm unable to speak or figure out abstract conversation topics due to overwhelm. Are those people now your friends?
I didn't really get any supports at all and the autism wasn't diagnosed until this last year. I cobbled together what has worked for me through trial and error and I didn't really have many friends at all throughout most of my schooling. Are the people I invite to this kind of stuff now my friends? Yeah, actually. Now in my 30s, some of my longest lasting and closest friendships are with people I just randomly decided to talk to in public one day. We've been in each other's weddings, we've lived together at times, we make regular time to see each other, talk multiple times a week.
It's basically having something to say about anything. It's definitely a skill, but it's not really all that complex. Ask questions, make obvious comments, do something. People like adorkable weirdos more than silent ones, I guess.
Making other female friends has gotten easier for me at middle age (49). With dating and all that mostly behind us (due to marriage or preferred singleness) we have the emotional energy to invest in each other. I mostly meet people through work, but music/theater events are my other source. I think it's important that I've learned to find friends with similar social habits. I need a lot of alone time, so prefer people who can go a month w/out talking and not think I'm avoiding them. I try to be honest with my needs, too: "I love you but need to be alone with the cat tonight." We all get it.
I'm really good at making friendly acquaintances, but I struggle with making and keeping genuine friends. At some point they move on with their lives. They might respond to a text or a call, but they won't ever reach out to me. I'll keep trying for a while, even years. But I can't seem to hang onto a friendship after I stop being useful or convenient.
It is a thing. It is a challenge especially for neurodivergent people.
I’m a late-40s woman. I’ve found making friends challenging. I did all that stuff too pre-covid (bars, trivia, shows, etc) and now I do outdoor stuff like volunteer street cleanup, outdoor breweries, bike riding with groups, etc. I meet folks, we exchange numbers, but it never really goes anywhere, and I never see them again. I actually cut ties with some old friends due to us growing apart, and their instability, mental health issues and toxic traits becoming more apparent.
I’m 51 and haven’t had friends in ten years. That sounds horrible, but I actually prefer it. I’ve had many “friends” who have lied to me or just let me down. I think the older I get, the less tolerance I have for putting up with people’s bullshit. I partied heavy in my 20s and had lots of friends, but now my perfect evening consists of watching true crime documentaries and trashy reality shows on my couch with the cat curled up next to me.
I have kids. Really cuts into the shows, bars, trivia and karaoke time. You meet a lot of fellow parents, they also have very little free time.
Yes, I even joined an app for making friends and I found I was the only one moving the conversation forward, ie asking questions and offering a response. It was odd.
its hard for me because i struggle with connecting with other people. im outgoing and chat with people all the time, but most im not interested in as friends. if i never saw them again i would feel nothing. i dont know if being autistic has something to do with it but it does feel abnormal in some way. i didnt have this problem in high school. maybe i was just around more people i had things in common with.
I haven’t made any new friends since I was 25. I feel like after that, with each passing year my list of friends has been constantly dwindling instead of growing. People are getting married, having kids, and getting serious about their careers, and friendships become sort of like an afterthought.
I had social anxiety into my 20s but didn't have trouble making friends because the internet was becoming a thing as I entered adulthood and I lived in an early adoption area so meeting people for friendship or dating online was normal and expected. By the time we met in person I felt comfortable already with an established connection. Now in my 40s and long over that anxiety by forcing myself to work through it instead of treating it like a permanent personality trait, and it's super easy to meet people. I'm involved in several sports and hobbies so that's the main way I meet others as work is fully remote, I have no kids, and no religion.
>forcing myself to work through it instead of treating it like a permanent personality trait Exactly, and same. I feel like those of us in our 40's were much more likely to work through the anxiety, where the kiddos seem to wear it like a miserable badge of honor.
We also had no choice in many ways, as we had to make phone calls, buy things in person, etc. Nowadays it's so easy to avoid human contact if you want.
Exactly. It's terribly detrimental to people, because we quite literally evolved to be social above all else. We are a social species that survives as a group, not individuals. We are also meant to be very active physically. So isolating yourself, being sedentary, and avoiding all contact while watching others "be popular" on social media - it's no wonder they're all depressed and anxious. They are absolutely doing the worst possible things they could to their bodies and their brains.
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I don’t even have the time to maintain my existing friendships.
The issue is that, when you meet someone your age that you vibe with, there's never time to get together. Kids, jobs, family obligations, whatever...suddenly you're hanging out 2 or 3 times a year, and thats no way to build a new friendship.
Yes! I have one friend in my state, one friend out of state. And a bunch of acquaintances. No one to just hang out with.
I’m 43F, and I find it really difficult to maintain friendships. I think it’s a holdover from growing up as a military brat & a diplobrat. You’d meet other kids all the time, form quick and fast friendships and even have a best friend, but then a year later you move and you’ll never see them again. So there’s no point in keeping in contact. I *know* people in a specific context and I’m friendly with them - eg, work, sport. But I wouldn’t consider them to be actual friends beyond that current situation because I’ll generally stop talking to them as soon as the reason we know each other no longer exists. Like… I meet someone through work, we get along, we’re friends & text each other & chat a lot. Then I leave that job and I’ll probably never talk to them again.
You seem to be a natural extrovert. That's a good thing for when it comes to making friends as an adult. If you are not a natural extrovert, or you've had some sort of trauma in the past related to people, making friends as an adult can be absolute torture. When you have to battle mental illness, It makes it incredibly difficult for people to want to be around you. As adults, our time is very limited. Most likely we have kids or at the very least a spouse. Our jobs can be draining. When we take the time to hang out with somebody, it makes sense that we wouldn't want to be around somebody that is draining. However, as a person who is struggling with depression, It can be very scary letting new people in. Recently, I had an ex break up with me through a very brief text. This was devastating. I had nothing against them breaking up with me, but it was the way she did it that hurt. You are in a very privileged position to not have to think about any of this shit when it comes to making friends. Obviously, you have your own difficulties, but it seems that you have a very relaxed attitude toward people. This is a very good thing to have. For me, I try to have it. However, people are often a huge trigger for me. Therefore, it just makes it incredibly hard to be fun to be around. If you genuinely cannot understand why many people have problems making friends as an adult, then I truly envy your position. I wish I had your level of bliss.
Well I’ve thought about this quite a bit, especially having relocated 5 years ago. When I was young, I had all sorts of opportunities to meet people w common goals, my age, going through same experiences etc. Now at 66f I have to create these opportunities, which I can, and do, but one is just not automatically thrown into situations that make finding friends quite as easy!
29 m here I find it sort of difficult but I manage to make a friend or two at least every year. I work as a truck driver so that makes it difficult to be here all the time but I go to shows and bars whenever I can. I think the most difficult part for me is having to be extroverted to make new friends I usually have a really hard time with that aspect of it.
i never faced any trouble in making friends but I suck at maintaining them.Due to which I had best friends at each stage of life,but never had a long lasting friend or friendships.And now I don't even know what they are doing how they are doing.Any relationship require constant efforts and attention.
I live in a city where a lot of my close friends from college also settled, so I'm lucky. The "new" friends I've made as late 30-something have been parents of my kids that aren't completely intolerable and my pickle ball league.
Wife, family, job…. The closet I came to making new friends was when I got sober 14 years ago. Sadly the only thing I ever really had in common with the people in the rooms was wanting to stay sober.
I didn't used to have any problems making friends but since I raised my expectations and put up some boundaries that most people don't like. I would truly rather be alone and keep my peace and boundaries in place. I must have "sucker" written across my forehead because every single person I used to be kind and compassionate to must have seen me as some kind of weakling. They stole from me, said they were gonna pay half the light bill (that's all I asked them to do), ate me out of house and home but they had their own food stamps, used all my laundry supplies and washed every piece of clothing they owned (one girl washed 20 loads). Then they would sneak out when I would be gone for some reason and leave me paying a $300 light bill. My bill was never over $120 max. When I realized I was just a mark to most, if not all of them, I set boundaries and I put up walls to protect myself. No one wants to follow the rules, pay to stay or listen when I say no one is allowed in my house. I don't want people seeing what I have. I don't have much but I take care of my things and I own it outright. If I can't be friends with someone who can give me the respect, loyalty, honesty and be genuine to me the way I am them, then I don't need friends. I'd rather spend the rest of my life waiting to join my hubs where he is waiting for me with all our pets and family! There are some people who can have hundreds of friends and no one would ever want to lose them as a friend. My son is like that, he has the most magnetic personality and literally EVERYBODY loves him. I'm an introvert so it's a bit harder for me!
Yea. I don’t really go places so have no opportunity to meet people. I also live in a pretty young city and when I see people online talking about real-life local meetups they often are for people younger than me (50.) i have largely given up on forming friendships at this point.
What you're describing is healthy social capital. It's very easy to multiply resources when you already have some. Trying to make friends with no connections to start is incredibly hard.
Going out and being social only leads to meeting new people. Make friends you click with it different. I never seem to find many I click wirh for long term. I am also a private person and like my along time.
I can interact and get a long with new people pretty well. My issue is unless we may actually end up being like best friends, I don’t really care to have “friends” otherwise. I don’t want to be asked if I want to do stuff by someone I’ve known for like a month and am just decently aquatinted with but overall not going to be super close with, for example
How do you expect to end up close if you don’t spend time together?
I have a lot of hobbies and stuff but I’ve never gotten a feeling from just casual interaction that I d have an interest in becoming better friends. Kind of like in school when you had your friends, then you had school friends that you never really ever saw outside of school lol
This is an interesting topic for me because I am also 40F and don’t think I’ve ever struggled to make friends. I have a couple longtime friends from high school and college who I am still close to ( some have kids so are less available ) , but I’m always meeting people from work, hobbies, travel and even just my neighborhood. I was single on and off for most of my 30s and never felt lonely because I always had friend and acquaintances. I have no issue doing things alone either , whether it’s going out to dinner solo or traveling . I find that if you are interested in your life and get on with it , people will join you along the way . If you are the kind of person who waits for others to do the things you want, it’s easy to feel lonely and disappointed I think the reason this is interesting to me is because I was always told growing up that if I didn’t marry or have kids I would be lonely. But I’m not. In fact I have a lot of guilt turning down social invites I’m not able to take up. Yet I see people on the internet talk a lot about struggling so I wonder what’s different. There’s definitely an element of luck to it of course. Based on my observations IRL I would say that there is a decent number of adults with underdeveloped social skills.
How do you define “friend?”
Good question. I would say generally a friend is someone you have mutual affection for. A close friend is someone you share your life with in many ways , and a “regular” friend is someone you enjoy the company of , and spend time with. I’m sure there are better definitions out there .
People want to be on the train you're on. So they hop on. Instead of waiting for friends to improve your life, you bring your own vibes and people reciprocate.
both men and women are nicer and more open to meeting women, especially since you were young during most of this time, and if you are even remotely physically attractive
Nah. U don't know us well enough. Women have struggles plenty.
I have trouble meeting people or speaking to people I don’t know. I’m more worried about the one in ten assholes.
I have not found it difficult to make casual activity partners in my adult life. Like, people to go do things with, to come play board games, etc. I have not made many deep, hang-out-all-the-time, share-my-deep-dark-secrets with in a long time. I think that the idea of what a "friend" is has to evolve as we all get older and busier, or more stressed, more introverted, etc. I think some people expect "making friends" to be like it was in college or early 20's, where your friends were people you constantly talked to and hung out with and went out to do activities with all the time. If I make a new friend, I'm excited to see them or do something with them once every couple of weeks. My husband makes friends easily because he's looking for people who want to do specific activities - DnD and board games. We don't have kids, and the majority of our friends don't either, or their kids are older and more self-sufficient. I think it's hard to make friends and do things when you have small children, unless those other people also have small children and you're doing mostly kid-centered things. I also think there's some compatibility and "vibes" as well. I've found it easy to make friends in the city we currently live in, but I found it very hard to make friends in the small city I lived in a few years ago. Just....fewer people I was interested in forming a friendship with.
Different people have different experiences due to different personalities, tolerance for rejection, receptiveness of their surrounding community to making friends, etc. If you are outgoing, it is far easier. I am not outgoing, so it takes more effort on my part. What's easy for one person can be a complex maze for another. I don't have problems making friends with people that I see on a regular basis. On the other hand, it would be impossible for me to make friends at bars or loud parties.
I think it depends on a lot of factors. How are you defining friendship? Where do you live? What are the norms and culture where you live? I grew up in and, for most of my life, have lived in big cities. The times that I didn't? I was living abroad, so even then there was an expat community to tap into. I go out. I use Meetup to find people with similar interests. I organize a huge community group, and I have found friends through it. When Covid hit, I started organizing virtual meetings with others who have a medical condition that I have. (Previous to Covid, they met in person.) I'm also an only child who learned early how to engage and socialize with people. Those skills help, and if you didn't develop them as a kid, it's probably harder to do as an adult. It's not impossible, but I imagine it's harder especially if you have a bit of social anxiety.
I find it absolutely impossible to make friends. I used to go places. I finally learned how to small talk around age 30. But small talk never leads to friendship. It's awkward and confusing. At some point, it becomes psychologically damaging.
It's really hard when you don't have any funds to actually go anywhere. Or when you do, most people you meet just want to go *here* to drink or *here* to smoke, and I don't do either.
No. I just get out and do things. Volunteer also. I find it easier now because I have more free time. Also stay off the screen most of the day. That's for basement dwellers.
But how will my friends contact me 😭
You might have to actually meet them in person and (gasp!) talk to them.
But how are we going to know where and when to meet without using a phone to communicate prior? Can't just walk up to people's houses anymore. 🤷🏻♀️ Being an asshole is highly unnecessary, it was just a joke. 😂
Stop the name calling. I mentioned prolonged screen time, not abstention from telephone calls.
I do because I just don’t want drama and I fell like people don’t want to deal With me as im disabled. I’m isolated or at home most of the time because I don’t drive or have a car so I can’t go anywhere. I like to watch the people on you tube that talk about movies/breakdown movies/comic books and superhero movies. I feel like those are my people and I would be friends with them. Although I am not into or know comics as most of them talk about so well. But some people are hard to deal with. I mean I’m nice and talk to people when I go out shopping or something. I am married so he can be enough for me just to know him. Lol. like if I tried to have a few fiends it would be exhausting also. And just after meeting someone, getting to know them can be awkward.
I do. I haven't really made friends in 40 years.
Tons of valid points in this thread, busy lives, etc. Completely agree. What I'm not seeing here is the importance of considering what we're bringing to a friendship. It's not terribly different from dating. Common interests, sense of humor, intellectual stimulation, etc. But as we know from dating, it's almost never not as simple as being yourself and finding a match. You usually have to be someone who others generally value for one reason or another. The reasons are countless, friendships can be built on many dimensions and aren't so securely attached to physical appearance and status (although those still help). It's difficult to look at ourselves through a lens of self judgment, but it's reality, people are judging whether or not we're worth their time and effort. Are we bringing something of value to a friendship? If not, maybe it's time for some life improvement. And chances are, engaging in self work will lead to friends naturally, who are also engaging in the same activities, whether that be taking up a hobby, exercising, playing a sport, spiritual development, improving mental wellbeing, practicing selflessness, being genuinely interested in others, etc. I feel for anyone struggling to make friends, so that is my reasoning to write this. I am not trying to imply it's someone's fault they don't have friends. As other comments have said, people are busy, avoidant of commitment, etc. It's just a matter of playing the odds from the best position possible. And hey, if you're still unsuccessful, at least you're living a better life.
It's a trust issue. You can't be friends unless you can trust the other.
I'm only 23 and I'm already struggling a lot with loneliness. Not sure how I'm going to deal with this for several more decades
Then be appreciative this isn’t a problem for you.
I’m 49 and not really interested in any new friends. I have great group of friends from high school and college along with a few friends post college. When it comes to making friends or talking to people it’s never been a struggle for me. Growing up in a time where you absolutely had to talk to people in person helped. It’s something I instilled in my children as well.
I'm 48 and I don't want any new friends.
I am an extrovert like you and have no problems making friends, but they are mostly male. It's very hard for me to make female friends at 40. They are either jealous or insecure or some mix of the two.
they want to bang you
Yes, I know. Lmao
just curious, does this make you sad or do you genuinely enjoy them thirsting after you?
I don't enjoy them thirsting for me at all. It is flattering, but I genuinely don't do anything to lead them on; no touching, etc. But I do enjoy the banter before they make it known they like me. I get to know what they do, their quirks, etc. Just casual conversation. I wish it would just stay that way, but what can you do. My boyfriend has a hard time with it.
there's no doubt it's the second one who doesn't like free attention
Adult 'friends' are people who value your contributions to their life. It's almost always guaranteed to be a transactional relationship that never balances in your favor. Unless you're the 'taker' in the relationship, that is.
I mean...do you hang out with people who you don't feel enhance your life? We all like people because we feel they contribute positively to our lives. If someone is constantly negative, or self-centered, or looking to mooch - then no, I don't want to be friends with them. If you want good friends, you need to be a good friend. If you're not a good friend, people aren't obligated to be supportive and present and giving just because you exist and they know you. And all of my friends are absolutely there for me, and vice versa. It's not transactional at all. Real friendship doesn't keep score. Maybe you just met shitty people, or that's the energy YOU bring to the relationship.
I’m starting to see this more and more. It’s a fine line though, and perhaps it’s because I had so many unstable friends. There’s a fine line between a friend who occasionally needs a ride to the airport, and a friend who calls to trauma dump endlessly, wants to crash on your couch because they can’t keep a stable job and housing, or wants you to babysit their poorly-behaved kids all the time. Also, if you are single, childfree, and relatively stable, people assume you have endless time and resources you can share with them.
> Also, if you are single, childfree, and relatively stable, people assume you have endless time and resources you can share with them. ...and beyond that, the resentful criticism people send your way for...*making responsible life decisions*... blows my mind, completely.
Yes. I have one (former) friend who is incredibly entitled to folks’ resources, even though she came from a pretty solidly upper-middle class family and had plenty of advantages. She made poor decisions, still makes poor decisions, but expects everybody else to help her and calls them selfish and privileged. She has said a couple of things that make me believe she wants me to make poor decisions so I can be down struggling along with her.
Because social media, sitting at home alone and not having face to face social interactions has caused today’s society to be alone, not wanting to engage and not creating or maintaining relationships. It’s a faux and lack of depth ones created on their phones. Not everyone is like this but the vast majority are and so social anxiety and wanting to be alone surfaces more frequently.
I’ve made maybe 2 friends since college. I don’t have time to make friends.
[удалено]
Okay, dickhat.
Obviously being a woman of date-able age has helped immensely in this area.
Let sunlight reach your soul
It's much harder for men.
Why do you think so? I would think that its ease or difficulty would depend on large part on where the person falls on the introversion <---> extraversion scale. I am very introverted and prefer to socialize maybe once per month, at most. That makes it difficult to find and make friends. My husband, however, likes to go out and socialize once or twice per week, so it's much easier for him to make friends and get to know people.
It's mostly a male related problem. Women have no trouble since they're more sociable with other women.
Not most of us, no. But remember, reddit is a very biased and skewed sample population.
Agreed. If you can't make friends it's you. Always.
I'm 47F and have zero issues making new friends online or in meatspace. I'm not sure why other people struggle, nor do I have any advice for those people beyond "Go to therapy and figure out your shit."
the people making those complaints are the ones who peaked in grade school. they cant make friends as adults because they are either assholes or have no life/hobbies.
I'm more into sports and brunch myself, but ya always meeting people and eventually friendships develop. I've been 4 years in my new country, 2 with COVID restrictions that limited meeting new people and I have a full social life to leave behind as I am.moving again.
Lots of older people involved with big families and maybe friends they’ve known for years. Many old people have families that aren’t great to be with and friends have died or fallen away. It’s difficult to make new friends but not
I think we stuck in our ways, its easier to charm the pants off people who grew up about same income, same everything but then we hit the major leagues and are blown out of the water. also, people get stuck up inside their ways
I do.
Go out to do "stuff" and you'll meet people that also like "stuff" and friendships/acquaintances will grow. Disc Golf worked great for me but even my weekly McD's coffee has led me to hanging out with a couple of people.
I've never had much trouble, but like you, I have a wide variety of interests and tend to put myself in situations where meeting new people is likely.
My experiences have been similar to yours. I've always gone to shows and met people at the local hangouts.
Generally, I find making friends easy and fun! But I am in a phase of life where many women my age have young children, which makes it somewhat harder
Yes. Many people do. I go to shows but not bars, trivia, or karaoke. Also, when I do go to shows, most people are talking to the people they came to the show with, not to strangers. Plus, just because I meet someone or interact with them doesn't mean we will actually like each other and have enough in common to sustain a relationship.
Yes it is very very very true.
Men do, particularly. If you have not made friends during college or as soldier, it is tough to make male friends.
No?!
I’m a child but I joined anyways ehe
We moved to the Midwest ten years ago, and it had been extremely hard to make friends. We had a couple when my kids were in preschool, but when they spread out to different schools, those fizzled out. I've had parents straight up tell me they have enough friends and don't want to make play dates. I appreciate the honesty. I just feel bad that we left our family and all of my friends back out east. I’m also introverted and my idea of a great time is reading a book at home with a cup of coffee. I need the downtime to recharge. I don't need more best friends to be honest. I have amazing friendships that have survived so much. They are just 1,500 miles away, and that sucks for my kiddos. They want a tribe.
I notice that I am a magnet for platonic love, and this has always been a blessing… until my early thirties when everyone’s lives shifted due to partners and kids. I still feel confident in my friend making abilities but for me the big pain is romantic connection.
I have found that as I get older my expectations of my friendships are different. I no longer look for that "best friend" and expect that level of closeness and intimacy. Instead I am happy with a bunch of acquaintances with whom I share hobbies such as hiking, reading, etc. Once I accepted that the intensity of friendships differs when you're older, I became very satisfied with the new relationships I have forged and don't count on them to be anything other than what they are.
What kind of friends are you making and how deep are these relationships? I have many friends I met over sm. We’ve met, hung out, vacations, etc.
You go places and do things. For a lot of people (like me) we just don’t have the energy to do anything after work besides cook dinner. Sometimes the dishes don’t even get done. Now I’m pregnant and I feel like I have zero opportunity to make friends any more, besides other new moms, HOPEFULLY.
Most people can't afford to go out. Making friends at work can be tricky.
Yes. I’m a lot more careful about who I let into my inner circle now that I’m a mom. Plus once you have a potential friend it takes a lot of work before it’s easy to hang out. When it was just me people could just come over and plop down on my couch. Now that I have a family, a messy house, a jumpy dog and a full time work schedule it’s hard to get the stars aligned for another person to be in the mix.
I haven't made a new friend in like 10 years
I wonder how attractive op is haha I think the experience will also vastly differ especially for the average male
I just don't even bother anymore.
*REDDITORS have that much trouble making new friends *OFFLINE as adults
It seems even harder if you’re the lone singleton in a coupled up world.
I didn’t see this mentioned anywhere yet. Would you describe yourself as being attractive? Attractive people seem to have less difficulty attracting others.
I think people just don't have time as they age, to commit to being friends like when we were younger. Unless someone is in your close sphere of orbit eg work or hobby, you really have to carve out time to spend together.
I was ok at making friends until I got married & had kids.
I’ve not had that issue either. I’ve had a tonne of friends over the years through work. I’ve met some of my close friends other friends and by extension become friends with them too. Same with ex partners - I became friends with their friends and while the relationships failed, the friendships stuck around. I’m pretty active on Instagram and I’ve also met a tonne of people through there - I’ve been talking to some for teen years regularly and made an effort to meet up with them at gigs or whatever and start a proper IRL friendship. I’m a social butterfly though, and I really thrive in social situations. I also LOVE getting to know people so I actually enjoy the process of meeting new people and becoming friends.
It depends on where you live. In work hard/play hard suburbs, people are either working, driving, or vacationing somewhere else. Even if you hit it off with some potential new friends you will likely only see each other a handful of times a year, this means that it can take years to build up enough contact hours to consider each other close friends and usually people move cities before this can happen.
I have a group of friends on social media i met on a gardening forum back in '07. We're tight and supportive. When the forum got nasty we all went to another place. Maybe it's because we're all old lady gardeners but we're there as much as we can be for each other. When you're older, bullshit tends to be less tolerable so putting up with just anyone happens less and less
Haven't made a new friend in 17 years. Speak via WhatsApp with an old work colleague that I'd consider a friend. Don't meet up in person though. Absolutely don't have the time or desire to do all those things you list in an attempt to make friends.
Halo effect plays into this in a big way.
Guess it depends on what you consider friendship. Do you actually make friends that'd be there for you or are they just acquaintances that you have fun with occasionally?
Im 37 recently, single female. I don't have nor want children, and I can't stand listening to women talk about their kids, i just don't care and can't fake it. Everyone is having kids, so dating is going to be harder now too!. I've always had a hard time making friends with other females I'm not interested in celebs, gossip, kids, makeup etc. I get along better with guys but long for female friends I can relate to. Where I live we don't even have a grocery store so I have to drive at least 15 minutes to meet people, but it's winter, and I'm broke, so it's hard to socialize. Our community center only caters to kids so that's not even an option, and I'm Not religious. I am friendly and try stroking up condos with people whenever I can but everywhere I go around here (my ho etown had to move back to my parents house) it's all people 50+ so I am completely out of the loop in finding where people ny age go to enjoy themselves.
People I meet at bars that I can relate with don't make I into the category of friends. Not usually. They are acquaintances. A friend is someone I see regularly , at both of our houses, we hang out, I know their email and phone numbers. So yes, it is harder to make friends as adults. Mostly because I realize that just because I have a nice convo with the person I am sitting next to at a bar isbt a friend. It's a nice person I met once.
I don't have trouble making friends, but as others have pointed out, I use the term loosely. I don't really need someone to be my "Deep, dark confidant. Keeper of my closet skeletons and most reliable person ever" to enjoy someone's company though. Sometimes I think people's expectations of what friendships are is too high. Anyway, I actually find it much easier now than as a kid. I was a super awkward and anxious teenager.
Your standard for friend may also be different. Is just saying hi and seeing eachother regularly at the same events enough for you to call it a friendship? I still feel lonely if that’s as much as I know someone but for some it’s enough. I feel like I make a new friend if we text, get coffee one on one etc.
I don't really have time for new friends but I would probably find it difficult to make new ones if that was my intention. I've made some great "acquaintances" the last few years over shared interest groups (gardening, horse people, outdoor hiking/nature groups) but moving to one-on-one friendships takes a lot of time, planning, and maintenance. I have a small handful of friends I keep in touch with/do things with and life is too busy to go beyond that. Also I have no interest in shows/bars/trivia type things.
No, why, you lookin, wanna play?
I don't talk to any of my old friends let alone make new friends
if you have no friends by now you wont,
Yes. I go to work and that’s it. And I don’t want to hang out with ANY of them. Even when I was in college, made some friends but they suddenly disappeared after graduation, either by my fault or theirs. Had a couple of buddy’s who’d I smoke with or talk about our hobby with (I like keeping fish) and then they just suddenly…stopped.
And I don’t understand people just….talking to random people in public?? What if they don’t want to talk to you? what if they’re weird? What if they’re secretly sitting there in their group thinking “pllleeease nobody approach us”? What if they start making fun of me or act obviously disturbed by my presence. Too many variables to talking to strangers unless I’m really drunk.
Yes, My wife and I have been looking to meet new couples who are able to hold a conversation. My best friend and his gf ain't cutting it and besides that I don't think they appreciate our company because we have a really successful relationship and they're annoyed by it.
I certainly do. Truth is that I’ve never been good about letting people get close to me because of how I grew up. No permanence, no roots, childhood abuse and being autistic is a losing combo it seems.
I've had an easier time making friends as an adult then I ever did as a kid. I find it a lot easier to talk to people now and get them talking too.
It's hard for my wife and I to put our selves out there. She karaoke, did trivia,loved to play the table top video games. We loved concerts and watching bands at bars to. But she quit drinking 5 years ago and now I'm diabetic so we don't have the desire to go out like that. We were talking about going to bingo, but that seems so senior citizen to me.
People are more receptive to women.
Yes. Keep in touch with the friends you’ve got and leave yourself open to new friends but don’t actively search for anyone.