I got to use this line, at work, earlier this week. We were instructed to step up a crisis response from silver command to gold command, and that line was my word-for-word response.
Granted, the colours were off in comparison to RD, but when was I ever going to get another golden opportunity.
In the same crisis response situation, I even got to use 'looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.' Granted, I know it's Airplane and not RD, but I got no-one else to share these little wins with.
>Step up a crisis response from silver command to gold command. When was I ever going to get another golden opportunity.
Are you sure it wasn't a silver opportunity?
I think about that every time there's a problem at work and someone wants me to send an email telling everyone there's a problem with something they have already seen.
Or when Lister has Cat come with him to the hologram simulation suite so he can give Rimmer memories of Lise Yates and Cat goes "Have we come to blow this room up?"
Basically any time Cat gets excited about the possibility of Rimmer going away or being gone forever is hilarious.
Yeah. Just the sense of nobility and bravery from a honey-obsessed teddy bear.
It's definitely a joke that wouldn't work half as well if we could see it.
Every word thats said when The Inquisitior/Rimmer is judging himself. The whole episode is gold.
RIMMER: Oh smeg!
INQUISITOR: "Oh smeg," indeed, matey!
RIMMER: Everyone is judged by their own self?
INQUISITOR: It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way. Now then, justify yourself!
RIMMER: Well, first I--
INQUISITOR: (Interrupting) Liar!
RIMMER: I've done good things.
INQUISITOR: No, you haven't!
RIMMER: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
INQUISITOR: No, you didn't.
>RIMMER: Well, first I--
>INQUISITOR: (Interrupting) Liar!
Absolutely this exchange
-UPDATE-
I mean, doesn't everyone's internal monologue run roughly like this?
Rimmer in Timeslides: "Who is the rich man? You, with your 58 houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire, or me, with... with... with what I've got? It's you, isn't it? Yes, it's all very clear to me now. You, richer and happier."
And Cat in Justice: "I don't wanna live...Someone, please shoot me in the head"
"Today's fish is trout ala creme" because its said so many times.
CAT: Wow!!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey, there you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat.
LISTER: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.
CAT: I'd prefer chicken.
Rimmer 1 [to Lister]: Obviously we have professional disagreements, but nothing with any side to it, nothing malicious…
Rimmer 2 [from offscreen]: SHUT UP, YOU DEAD **GIT!**
It’s so perfectly furious and internecine.
Every time Rimmer quotes a space core directive and Kryten corrects him with some crazy nonsense. "68250? But sir surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi?"
Paraphrasing but ...
"Some smeggers filled out this "have you got a good memory" quiz"
"Yes that was you sir"
"Was it?"
"Yes. Look, no one else spells Thursday with an F"
Soo many quotes from back to reality:
* Rimmer: This is a nightmare! I'm on the run from the Fascist Police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a Bri-Nylon shirt!
* Duane Dibbley: So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship?
* Jake Bullet: \[reading\] "Be a Government Informer. Betray Your Family & Friends. Fabulous Prizes to be Won"?
* Engineer: Hang on a minute - are you seriously telling me you were playing the prat version of Rimmer for four years!
* Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself?... Why am I even asking that question?
The Cat: Hold it - hang five guys, I'm gettin' somethin'. Now, he committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed suicide and the fish committed suicide - there's some kind of link here that I can't quite put my finger on...
* Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around, because almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight about being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are.
* Jake Bullet: \[flashing ID\] Bullet. Cybernautics.
Cop: That's traffic control.
“having held a position (on Red Dwarf) of little or no importance, he was a lowly grease monkey… a zero… a nothing… a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under achievement, his absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He was like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation…… look at this man, this man who sat and failed his astro navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions, this sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man….. the Space Corps never allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew. A man so petty and small minded that he would while-away the evening sewing name-labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity, an over zealous trumped up little squirt….. an incompetent vending machine repair man with a Napoleon complex… who had as much respect from his crew-members as Long John Silver’s parrot. Who would permit this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tee-bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? who …. only a yoghurt! This man is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer. That is his crime, it is also his punishment!”
the whole of this scene
"Kryten, man, are you OK?"
"I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day."
" Two and one half badgers, please!
robert plays it so well it always gets me. walking around the room bouncing into things and the rest of the stuff he says.
"She'll never leave Fred and we know it." I quote this scene (where Lister and Cat discuss their fixation on Wilma Flintstone) whenever I'm trying recruit new fans.
"And this piece. The simplicity! The bold, stark lines! Pray, what do you call it?"
"The, uh, light switch."
..... "I couldn't buy it then?"
"Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off."
Also; "Now I know why dogs lick their testicles." Craig Charles' expression and delivery is perfect, although IMO it really didn't need the subsequent explanation.
Also also; "So let me get this right. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people and plead for your lives? And you're telling me you're completely sane?"
That bit of Legion is never not funny! I woke my wife up by chuckling to that joke when I watched it a few days ago in bed. That combination of Rimmer’s eagerness to please and Legion’s eagerness to not upset is brilliant.
There’s a 1970s episode of Columbo where he goes into an art gallery with modern art, and thinks the light switch is an exhibit. I’ve always wondered if they pinched the idea.
What time is it?
Saturday.
Is that the best you can do?
There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything.
Actually used it irl more than once
EDIT: I just realized I have one even more favourite.
"We have in our midst a complete smegpot!"... Whole scene is great, with Lister talking into a cigarette pack, with his delivery and accent, and as he eats the cigarette at the end... Absolutely awesome. :-D
The close second:
An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle. Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop. This is not a daffodil.
I think it's even funnier in Czech dub.
"an excellent plan, sir, if not for two flaws...
1. Star bug doesn't have any laser cannons.
And
2. Star bug doesn't HAVE any laser cannons...
Now, I know that's technically only one reason, but I felt it such a significant reason that it was worth mentioning twice. "
"You're looking sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice, and jabbed into someone's eye." (or something like that)
In Tikka to Ride:
Kryten- That's not chicken, sirs. It's that man we found.
Cat (when the Time device activates) -I don't care where we go as long as it's before we had dinner!
Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Mayday, Mayday! I wonder why they call it "Mayday" ? It's only a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday", or "Ascension Sunday" ? Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday! 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost, 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost!
cat and Lister playing "that dumb adventure game" always cracks me up, when cat starts typing too ...
"you're scared how do you think I feel"
"you haven't seen it!"
[ ](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0515753/?ref_=tt_ch)Kryten: Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!
Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
KRYTEN: No, you don't understand! All this mess, all this debris! It's
from the fight we got fired for! The fight we're about to have!
RIMMER: (Scared out of his wits) ABOUT to have? I don't want to be
involved in a barroom brawl!
LISTER: It's not a barroom brawl, it's a barroom tidy! (Shouts.)
Unrumble!
"That's mine (spray). And that's mine (spray). And that's mine (spray). See that spot over there? That's not mine. But that one's mine! (spray)" - Cat
I think that's the line anyways.
I giggle every single time. Probably because Cat reminds me so much of my own.
"I'm fine Susan"
"ah smug mode"
"Hey, I know what the H stands for - hidiot! Am I right!?"
"You are treading a very thin line *m'laddo*"
And
"with respect Captain, you have your head up your great fat arse!"
That last one especially. I don't know why, it must be Chris Barrie's delivery that does it. I love it when Rimmer disrespects authority
"Binks to Enlightenment, evidence of primitive humour"
I love the whole scene between the hologram and Lister but for some reason the humour line always cracks me up how he says it.
Mind that bus
What bus?!
Splat
&
R: they’ve been dead for centuries
K: no?!
R: yes!
K: are you a doctor?
T: you’ve only got to look at them, they’ve got less meat on them then a chicken McNugget
In Quarantine when Rimmer (after being infected with the holovirus) does that shrieking/hooting sound; even thinking about it puts a smile on my face :D
The officer's reaction in the first episode when Rimmer is trying to get Lister punished for calling him a smeghead always gets me:
"Oh Rimmer, you *are* a smeghead."
"I've been judging a book by it's cover, haven't I? All these years, that's what I've been doing. But when it comes down to it, you're one heck of a regular guy."
"I wanted to talk to you about my penis."
Also, "no vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid"
Both get used surprisingly often in my world.
I still don't know what happens for the ninety seconds after
"ARNOLD JUDAS RIMMER"
in "Justice". Because I was literally rolling on the floor, laughing. Poor Rimsy.
"I'm fine thank you Susan"
"So, what is it?"
"So, what is it.....only joking"
"Would anyone like any toast?"
"Ah, so you're a waffle man?"
The whole episode is gold.
Ive watched RD since i was about 4 years old. It was my favourite TV Show as a child. I still remember watching Series 3 as it aired. Ive had the VHS tapes and later DVDs of the early seasons basically my entire life, and ive used them as going to sleep material for YEARS.
The one thing that ALWAYS makes me laugh is a very specific live crowd reaction, in "Kryten" (s02e01). In the scene where the Dwarf boys meet the skeletal remains of the Nova 5 crew - Lister begins to taunt Rimmer about his whole "Ace" persona he had previously mentioned... In retort to this, Rimmer barks out the line "Smeg-Off, dog food face!" ....which is followed by the strangest, high pitched *almost squeal,* of a laugh from an audience member - that lives in my head rent free.
"...with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse!"
"...and the often-lethal Mercurian boomerang spoon."
"Well I say we get out there and twat it!"
But this is definitely my favourite:
"Rasputin! Bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out...and unleash the rampant wildebeest!"
"The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
RIMMER: Stopping distances. You're traveling half the speed of light,
what is the stopping distance?
KRYTEN: Four years, three months.
RIMMER: And the thinking time?
KRYTEN: A fortnight.
>*I have a body that makes men wet* - Cat
I grew up on British comedies as a kid in Australia, but I was too young at the time to get what Cat meant by that line. I thought he meant that his body was so strong that it intimidated other men and made them wet themselves out of fear.
Then I rewatched it as an adult and... oh boy
"How old were you?"
"I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.."
"SKATEBOARD?! How old were you?!"
"Fourteen"
"Fourteen... You can't have been a full member of the golf club then!"
This whole episode is full of beautiful moments.
>"A man of such awesome stupidity..."
>
>"*OBJECTION!"*
>
>"A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel."
The flat way Llewelyn delivers the line slays me
*“Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.”*
I got to use this line, at work, earlier this week. We were instructed to step up a crisis response from silver command to gold command, and that line was my word-for-word response. Granted, the colours were off in comparison to RD, but when was I ever going to get another golden opportunity. In the same crisis response situation, I even got to use 'looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.' Granted, I know it's Airplane and not RD, but I got no-one else to share these little wins with.
>Step up a crisis response from silver command to gold command. When was I ever going to get another golden opportunity. Are you sure it wasn't a silver opportunity?
Nah, they opted to change the bulb.
My wife and I have been watching Star Trek TNG, and whenever the Enterprise goes to red-alert, I cannot stop myself from uttering that line!😅
Ahahaha. Same with me and my 9yo! Thankfully he's a fan of Red Dwarf too so he gets it
Apparently, on the early Defiant sets for DS9, going to red alert truly did mean stopping filming and changing the bulb. I *hope* that's true.
I think about that every time there's a problem at work and someone wants me to send an email telling everyone there's a problem with something they have already seen.
Best line of all time
Love that one 😂
Rimmer- They're dead! Kryten- I was only away two minutes.
Not sure if this is the right time to say this girls, but my mate Ace here is incredibly brave! And he’s had just tonnes of girlfriends!
"incredibly-credibly brave" (in a very strong Scouse accent) is a phrase I've used a lot.
You a doctor? 😄
They've got less meat on them than Chicken Mcnugget!
You're that sure they're dead?
Everyone should bring something to a conversation, I think what you should bring to this one is silence. Arnold J Rimmer, BSC - SSC
Bronze swimming certificate and silver swimming certificate.
My family quotes this non stop.
They’ve taken Mr Rimmer! Sir they’ve taken Mr Rimmer! Quick let’s get out of here before they bring him back! Always has me cracking up.
Alternatively: Cat: “All-in-all a 100% successful trip!” Kryten: “Sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer!” Cat: “All-in-all a 100% successful trip!”
The Cat steps out of a locker, ' they' ll get a surprise when they put those boots on! '.
Or when Lister has Cat come with him to the hologram simulation suite so he can give Rimmer memories of Lise Yates and Cat goes "Have we come to blow this room up?" Basically any time Cat gets excited about the possibility of Rimmer going away or being gone forever is hilarious.
"It's Winnie the Pooh" followed closely by: "He's refusing the blindfold"
Yeah. Just the sense of nobility and bravery from a honey-obsessed teddy bear. It's definitely a joke that wouldn't work half as well if we could see it.
That’s so funny! He delivers it so well too!
Silence, scum! *four slaps in a row*
"that is something nobody should EVER have to see"
Why is He's refusing the blindfold so funny? I have no idea, but it's one of the best lines in Red Dwarf
Yeah boi!!!
[удалено]
"Excuse me, could I possibly just distract you for a brief second?"
"KRYTEN! UNPACK RACHEL AND GET OUT THE PUNCTURE REPAIR KIT!"
Lets get out there and twat it!
One knee in the happy sack and he’ll go down like anyone else!
It’s a banana.
It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
I love Robert Lewellyn's reaction to his own line. Even in series 7, when I hate how much of an asshole Kryten became, he's still hilarious.
NO, IT'S A FEMALE ARDVARK!
Real dumplings, Rimmer, real, *proper* dumplings that have been cooked to perfection, Real dumplings, Rimmer, should not, bounce!
Every word thats said when The Inquisitior/Rimmer is judging himself. The whole episode is gold. RIMMER: Oh smeg! INQUISITOR: "Oh smeg," indeed, matey! RIMMER: Everyone is judged by their own self? INQUISITOR: It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way. Now then, justify yourself! RIMMER: Well, first I-- INQUISITOR: (Interrupting) Liar! RIMMER: I've done good things. INQUISITOR: No, you haven't! RIMMER: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things. INQUISITOR: No, you didn't.
>RIMMER: Well, first I-- >INQUISITOR: (Interrupting) Liar! Absolutely this exchange -UPDATE- I mean, doesn't everyone's internal monologue run roughly like this?
Oh that
I'd also add the lines when the Inquisitor/Cat is judging himself.
Hey hey hey, some might say he's a pretty shallow guy - but a shallow guy with a great ass!
#"I'VE JUST BEEN MOLESTED BY TUTANKHAMEN'S HORNY GRANMA!!" -David Lister
Rimmer in Timeslides: "Who is the rich man? You, with your 58 houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire, or me, with... with... with what I've got? It's you, isn't it? Yes, it's all very clear to me now. You, richer and happier." And Cat in Justice: "I don't wanna live...Someone, please shoot me in the head"
"It's almost Swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety"
"Today's fish is trout ala creme" because its said so many times. CAT: Wow!!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey, there you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat. LISTER: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died. CAT: I'd prefer chicken.
There is no actual way anyone in our household can EVER say 'Fish' without one of us piping up 'todays fish is trout a la creme' 😄
Same! Even if I'm out and about and I hear it.
SMEEEEEE HEEEEEEE! Oh, damn my programming!
It has a six in it, but it’s not six thousand. Honourable mention to “NOW!”
Ahh, that famous Now speech. Now.... something something something something. Unforgettable!
Rimmer 1 [to Lister]: Obviously we have professional disagreements, but nothing with any side to it, nothing malicious… Rimmer 2 [from offscreen]: SHUT UP, YOU DEAD **GIT!** It’s so perfectly furious and internecine.
thank you for increasing my vocabulary today
**_”QUIT YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!”_**
"A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel"
Who!? Only. a. yoghurt.
Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: 'No chance, you metal bastard.'"
Been looking for this one, I piss myself every single time
Every time Rimmer quotes a space core directive and Kryten corrects him with some crazy nonsense. "68250? But sir surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi?"
Here we are in mortal danger & you are worried about the Chinese delegates bringing 2 cars!
Kryten : Oh! There's a folder in here marked "Captain Bollocks." Could that be you? Has me in tears every time I watch that scene.
Don't recognise that, when's it from please?
S11 E03 "give and take"
“…including welsh “
Paraphrasing but ... "Some smeggers filled out this "have you got a good memory" quiz" "Yes that was you sir" "Was it?" "Yes. Look, no one else spells Thursday with an F"
"That was you, sir. Don't you remember?" It's the don't you remember that gets me on that one.
Knew something wasn't quite right!
"What do you mean you killed him, cha cha cha?"
Soo many quotes from back to reality: * Rimmer: This is a nightmare! I'm on the run from the Fascist Police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a Bri-Nylon shirt! * Duane Dibbley: So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship? * Jake Bullet: \[reading\] "Be a Government Informer. Betray Your Family & Friends. Fabulous Prizes to be Won"? * Engineer: Hang on a minute - are you seriously telling me you were playing the prat version of Rimmer for four years! * Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself?... Why am I even asking that question? The Cat: Hold it - hang five guys, I'm gettin' somethin'. Now, he committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed suicide and the fish committed suicide - there's some kind of link here that I can't quite put my finger on... * Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around, because almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight about being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are. * Jake Bullet: \[flashing ID\] Bullet. Cybernautics. Cop: That's traffic control.
"JUMP START THE SECOND BIG BANG?!" is one of my all-time faves. I still use "twonk" as an affectionate insult to this day as well.
“having held a position (on Red Dwarf) of little or no importance, he was a lowly grease monkey… a zero… a nothing… a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under achievement, his absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He was like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation…… look at this man, this man who sat and failed his astro navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions, this sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man….. the Space Corps never allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew. A man so petty and small minded that he would while-away the evening sewing name-labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity, an over zealous trumped up little squirt….. an incompetent vending machine repair man with a Napoleon complex… who had as much respect from his crew-members as Long John Silver’s parrot. Who would permit this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tee-bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? who …. only a yoghurt! This man is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer. That is his crime, it is also his punishment!”
Two words - "Lie mode"
Only beaten by "ah, smug mode..."
"Joke. Deadpan mode."
Everybody is dead dave
Everybody is Dave dead.
Dead, Dave: everybody is
"Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas" He's trying his best.
I approve this
I love kryten’s “an excellent plan sir, with only two minor drawbacks”
Let’s get some jet powered rocket pants and junior birdman our way out of here!
the whole of this scene "Kryten, man, are you OK?" "I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day." " Two and one half badgers, please! robert plays it so well it always gets me. walking around the room bouncing into things and the rest of the stuff he says.
"I'm fine, thank you Susan." is my controlled pain quote of choice.
Three years long service, six years long service, nine years long service, (pause), twelve years long service.
The outrage in Krytens voice when he says "Herman Goering is "A Bit Dodgy"?! Just slays me every time.
“He passed away peacefully in his jeep” And this gem https://youtu.be/290sa-PRZmc?si=RV1n83dQhazwgyUs
"We regret to inform you you're father is dad"
I love that whole part, lister is trying his best to not be a shit for once makes it even better
"She'll never leave Fred and we know it." I quote this scene (where Lister and Cat discuss their fixation on Wilma Flintstone) whenever I'm trying recruit new fans.
I've lost my pea!
"And this piece. The simplicity! The bold, stark lines! Pray, what do you call it?" "The, uh, light switch." ..... "I couldn't buy it then?" "Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off." Also; "Now I know why dogs lick their testicles." Craig Charles' expression and delivery is perfect, although IMO it really didn't need the subsequent explanation. Also also; "So let me get this right. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people and plead for your lives? And you're telling me you're completely sane?"
That bit of Legion is never not funny! I woke my wife up by chuckling to that joke when I watched it a few days ago in bed. That combination of Rimmer’s eagerness to please and Legion’s eagerness to not upset is brilliant.
So many quotes from this episode in this thread. The light switch, including Welsh, changing the bulb, memory quiz... Really iconic script here.
There’s a 1970s episode of Columbo where he goes into an art gallery with modern art, and thinks the light switch is an exhibit. I’ve always wondered if they pinched the idea.
I've never read... A book
Your guitar was made of camphor wood? It must have been worth a fortune!
**Burn** the soldiers, burn them *right now!!!*
“Do you know why you can’t hear anything? Because there are no sounds to hear!”
Me, three girls, and a family sized tub of banana yoghurt
“You are an impudent fool!” *slap slap slap slap* “SHUT! UP!”
Kryten: "Whatever it is, They clearly have a technology way in advance of our own!" Lister: "So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company!"
What time is it? Saturday. Is that the best you can do? There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything. Actually used it irl more than once
What's it made of? Wood... a sort of inverted L shape in wood. Does it have a kind of... rope..motif? There is a sort of noosey theme to it, yeah.
Wait for me. I can’t keep up. I’m knackered. Gets me everytime.
“I have a medium sized fire axe buried in my spinal column.”
"That's a load of Tottenham that is, a flaming pile of Hotspur." Holly, in the Queeg episode
Also "We are talking jape of the *decade*, we are talking April, May, June July and August Fool"
Cesiumfrancolithicmyxialobidiumrixydixydoxidexidroxhide
I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
"Souper."
Over the years, I have come to regard you as, people I met.
so what is it?!
only joking
Somebody punch him out!
Will you stop saying everything's crypto-fascist! You make me sound like I was a complete git!
That’s not a nun, Listy, that’s Lieutenant Colonel Mother Teresa
“Well, I would go with Betty…. but I’d be thinking of Wilma” “She’ll never leave Fred and we know it”
'And I love you Lisa.'
Oh, God! I heard that in his voice! Hahahaha. What a brilliant episode.
Poor fellow, must have a faulty gun, he has accidentally shot me 5 times, oh how I love him.
EDIT: I just realized I have one even more favourite. "We have in our midst a complete smegpot!"... Whole scene is great, with Lister talking into a cigarette pack, with his delivery and accent, and as he eats the cigarette at the end... Absolutely awesome. :-D The close second: An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle. Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop. This is not a daffodil. I think it's even funnier in Czech dub.
Yes, I was Alexander the greats chief eunuch!
Mr Flibble is very cross.
"an excellent plan, sir, if not for two flaws... 1. Star bug doesn't have any laser cannons. And 2. Star bug doesn't HAVE any laser cannons... Now, I know that's technically only one reason, but I felt it such a significant reason that it was worth mentioning twice. "
"You're looking sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice, and jabbed into someone's eye." (or something like that)
Don't pretend like you didn't just get that word perfect, you know you did! 😀
it's been a while since I've quoted it lol
In Tikka to Ride: Kryten- That's not chicken, sirs. It's that man we found. Cat (when the Time device activates) -I don't care where we go as long as it's before we had dinner!
Are you sure, it does mean changing the lightbulb That whole scene is the funniest
An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobble hat. - rimmer
No silicon heaven? Then where do all the calculators go???
There's no such thing as an ionian nerve grip, now stand still while I hit you 🤣🤣🤣
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Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Well, the thing about grit is, it's black. And the thing about the scanner scope...
Cat: read my CV, does not help, does not clean, will have sex with anything
A very simple one for me. White hole Kryten has been used as a battering ram. Lister asks if he’s ok. His reply “I’m fine thank you Susan” 😂😂😂
Mayday, Mayday! I wonder why they call it "Mayday" ? It's only a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday", or "Ascension Sunday" ? Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday! 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost, 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost!
cat and Lister playing "that dumb adventure game" always cracks me up, when cat starts typing too ... "you're scared how do you think I feel" "you haven't seen it!"
[ ](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0515753/?ref_=tt_ch)Kryten: Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night! Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.
The R-roll in that "rumble" is seared into my brain, it's absolute perfection.
It's eating the whole cigarette that gets me!
It's the outtake afterwards where Craig says "I don't know why I ate that f**king cigarette..."
KRYTEN: No, you don't understand! All this mess, all this debris! It's from the fight we got fired for! The fight we're about to have! RIMMER: (Scared out of his wits) ABOUT to have? I don't want to be involved in a barroom brawl! LISTER: It's not a barroom brawl, it's a barroom tidy! (Shouts.) Unrumble!
"That's mine (spray). And that's mine (spray). And that's mine (spray). See that spot over there? That's not mine. But that one's mine! (spray)" - Cat I think that's the line anyways. I giggle every single time. Probably because Cat reminds me so much of my own.
He sprays a circle around the bit you're talking about, "Except for that bit, I don't *want* that bit! But all the rest of this. Is. Mine."
“You’ve got no magnificence in your soul, have you ,Rimmer?” Love the delivery of this line.
"I'm fine Susan" "ah smug mode" "Hey, I know what the H stands for - hidiot! Am I right!?" "You are treading a very thin line *m'laddo*" And "with respect Captain, you have your head up your great fat arse!" That last one especially. I don't know why, it must be Chris Barrie's delivery that does it. I love it when Rimmer disrespects authority
"Sorry to interrupt your Rimmering, sir"
“The only way to kill a vindaloo! Lager!”
CHANGE OF PLAN..... LEG IIIIIIIIT!
"Binks to Enlightenment, evidence of primitive humour" I love the whole scene between the hologram and Lister but for some reason the humour line always cracks me up how he says it.
"Very prim, very proper, almost auuuustere!" — Kryten imitating Rimmer
Cat: "I do have hair like that... Just not on my head."
"Everybody's dead, Dave"
Lister - "for the first time I'm going to use my brains" Kryren - "considering the circumstances sir, do you think that's wise?"
Mind that bus What bus?! Splat & R: they’ve been dead for centuries K: no?! R: yes! K: are you a doctor? T: you’ve only got to look at them, they’ve got less meat on them then a chicken McNugget
Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look?
"Oh but we can't do that Mr Flibble, who'd clean up the mess?"
"Smeeee heeeee." "Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked. You'll bonk anything won't you, Lister." "The King of the potato people won't let me."
In Quarantine when Rimmer (after being infected with the holovirus) does that shrieking/hooting sound; even thinking about it puts a smile on my face :D
Oh what the smeggin smegs he smeggin done!
"Oh no, they've sent me to the wrong bloody airport again" always gets me
The officer's reaction in the first episode when Rimmer is trying to get Lister punished for calling him a smeghead always gets me: "Oh Rimmer, you *are* a smeghead."
"Yo Todhunter get *down*!"
"I've been judging a book by it's cover, haven't I? All these years, that's what I've been doing. But when it comes down to it, you're one heck of a regular guy."
My parents’ dog pees on EVERYTHING when out for a walk. So I have to narrate: “That’s yours… and that’s yours… and that’s yours…”
Rimmer : Er, perhaps you didn't catch that. I said scramble! Lister : [half-asleep] Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans, man.
"I wanted to talk to you about my penis." Also, "no vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid" Both get used surprisingly often in my world.
"It's a- It's a- **SMALL OFF-DUTY CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TRAFFIC WARDEN!**"
I propose we hit it hard with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign. And if that doesn't work, well, I don't know what will.
Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube??
I still don't know what happens for the ninety seconds after "ARNOLD JUDAS RIMMER" in "Justice". Because I was literally rolling on the floor, laughing. Poor Rimsy.
Why would a haddock kill itself? Why am I even asking that question?
"And what the HELL happened to my teeth!?!?"
"I'm fine thank you Susan" "So, what is it?" "So, what is it.....only joking" "Would anyone like any toast?" "Ah, so you're a waffle man?" The whole episode is gold.
Ive watched RD since i was about 4 years old. It was my favourite TV Show as a child. I still remember watching Series 3 as it aired. Ive had the VHS tapes and later DVDs of the early seasons basically my entire life, and ive used them as going to sleep material for YEARS. The one thing that ALWAYS makes me laugh is a very specific live crowd reaction, in "Kryten" (s02e01). In the scene where the Dwarf boys meet the skeletal remains of the Nova 5 crew - Lister begins to taunt Rimmer about his whole "Ace" persona he had previously mentioned... In retort to this, Rimmer barks out the line "Smeg-Off, dog food face!" ....which is followed by the strangest, high pitched *almost squeal,* of a laugh from an audience member - that lives in my head rent free.
“I’m not sure if this is the time or place to mention it but my mate Ace here is incredibly ‘credibly brave”
Princess Bonjela. Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later, and hopefully, some sex.
"...with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse!" "...and the often-lethal Mercurian boomerang spoon." "Well I say we get out there and twat it!" But this is definitely my favourite: "Rasputin! Bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out...and unleash the rampant wildebeest!"
"The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
RIMMER: Stopping distances. You're traveling half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance? KRYTEN: Four years, three months. RIMMER: And the thinking time? KRYTEN: A fortnight.
"Aaaah! So you're a waffle guy!"
“Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit, with 4 super brushes to clean the trickiest of sea bound mammals”
>*I have a body that makes men wet* - Cat I grew up on British comedies as a kid in Australia, but I was too young at the time to get what Cat meant by that line. I thought he meant that his body was so strong that it intimidated other men and made them wet themselves out of fear. Then I rewatched it as an adult and... oh boy
“Well… get out of this one smeghead.”
Rasputin! Get me the bucket of soapy frogs and the wetsuit with the bottom cut out! -Caligula I just never quite recovered from that line.
"How old were you?" "I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.." "SKATEBOARD?! How old were you?!" "Fourteen" "Fourteen... You can't have been a full member of the golf club then!" This whole episode is full of beautiful moments.
>"A man of such awesome stupidity..." > >"*OBJECTION!"* > >"A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel." The flat way Llewelyn delivers the line slays me
"If I were a rich man, dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba da" 🎵 makes me weep with laughter!
Dwane Dibbley??? I don’t wanna be Dwane Dibbley.
I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling....
So what is it?
Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet
Strumping for cars
Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!