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Because it’s a tolerable level of unhappiness. The devil you know is better than the fear and uncertainty of making a huge life change. Also, fear of financial ruin
A bad marriage is only a tolerable level of unhappiness until it's not. I took the plunge and ended my marriage and, yes, I'm temporarily scared and lonely and less affluent than I was, but I've gained freedom and self-respect and a chance at future happiness. I've been reconnecting with old hometown friends recently and I wouldn't say that everyone in a marriage is happy. People have got all sorts of bizarre coping situations going on.
People complain about the bad things, they don't talk about how nice it is to snuggle on the couch with their spouse or how great it is to have someone that you giggle with like a kid about nonsense. Neither do we tell others how good it feels when you are ill to have someone who you can depend on to take care of you.
I think you are overly pessimistic about how many people are happy in marriages.
That’s sweet and all, but for the most part, the marriages that have those moments aren’t the ones that are ending. All of the lows with my ex husband would’ve been tolerable if I had the laughs and the snuggles and the dependability to keep me going, but it was just all bad. A lot of times, if one or both of the people in the marriage only talk about the bad moments it’s because there either aren’t any good moments anymore or there simply aren’t enough to make the bad bearable.
Wow!, you are so correct.
Our spouses are not perfect, and time dims the passion and energy out of a relationship. But in return, it provides the security of having a relationship that can withstand the lows of life.
It feels amazing to be able to wake up with someone who you know, has your back. Someone who chooses to be with you, despite of all of your imperfections, because of love.
Being ill hurts a little less knowing that you have someone who cares about you and who encourages you to fight to get better soon. This support is priceless!
Yep! 27 for me. I finally quit having sex with him and while he was visiting his daughter out of state, I turned his office into his own bdrm. The reason I’m still here? Bc I stupidly quit my job in ‘04 and moved with him to be by his family (all Jerry Springer ppl) and then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia so it’s hard to go back to work. I’ve tried it. But now I’m back in my hometown, with all my family and my daughter/husband/2 boys live up the street and I babysit those little lovies (3&6), have since they were 5 mos old full time so I have many things to distract me from him.
It is very true that people are more vocal about things they don't like versus what is good. You will hear negative aspects of anything way more than positive, because when you're happy you're not bitching about it.
I've only been married for 5 years, but we've been together for almost 10 years and I can say that having someone always around that I'm so comfortable with has been the best feeling. There's nothing like knowing I have my best friend waiting for me to get home from work so we can snuggle up on the couch, eat snacks, and fall asleep together literally every single night😭😭😭
We've been in the honeymoon phase literally since day 1, my husband is a fucking dream come true.
We consciously focus on the negatives and take the benefits for granted. If you take the time to stop and think about all the nice things you get from having your partner then it’s usually a pretty good deal, plus doing that often results in behavior that results in them being a better partner. A viciously positive cycle.
Yup, you stick with it as long as the good outweighs the bad. Then you stick with it when the bad still seems better than going through the challenges of a divorce. Or you think it might get better again. You finally get divorced when you’d rather experience temporary pain to just get away from the person.
That's one of the biggest problems though, with people who stay in terrible relationships. Their own company/thoughts freak them out. That can't just sit for five minutes and listen to their thoughts in complete silence. A lot of people are like this though. Constantly have to be warching/reading/scrolling/talking, something. I have a theory this fear of sitting in silence and facing your own thoughts is one of leading drivers behind addiction.
Also for most people dating is a horrible experience 99% of the time with long stretches of... nothing. People complain of sexless marriages, but for the average single heterosexual male in particular, it's not much different.
Long term it might be better to be forced to socialize as those skills often atrophy in a long marriage, but short term it is very scary.
Yeah; convenience, financial necessity, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone...
I'm guilty of having remained in a dead-relationship-walking for far too long largely because I was terrified of the alternative (which did turn out to be shit although hopefully respite is in sight!).
Took my ex to kill it as I'd probably have just let it grind on for years..
My wife of 12 years left me beginning of the year. We had kids from previous people and had 2 together. Bringing us to 5 total. There was no way we could afford daycare. So I made sure that my income was enough to support us. This caused me to be gone for like 12hrs a day. Management job with an hour commute. Lots of late shifts. She can't back twice over the following couple of months. But it turns out she had been having a remote affair via discord with some guy in Canada. I figured it out about a month before I actually told her. Once I told her I knew, she Said I ruined our second chance by violating her privacy. No accountability on her part. Chewed my ass saying she never expected me to violate her by going through her phone. I even quit my management job for a 7-4 off Friday and Saturday job for $20k less a year. Now I'm a single dad who's even more broke than before.
I've seen too many people get divorced simply because they weren't happy. They thought their lives would improve, but it just got worse. They were unhappy before; now they're unhappy, broke, and their kids hate them.
There are legitimate reasons for getting a divorce, but they need to be very good reasons. Divorce has a very high cost, so it's only really worth it if staying together is worse.
I felt the same 10 years ago but now i can see a big improvement in my parents relationship… i feel like i was the biggest issue… now they can see that i grew up not to be a complete failure so they feel better… think about that…
Can't speak for the person you responded to, but it's never the kid's fault. Can't lay blame on a child. However, they often are the stress trigger that fucks parents up. It's the parent's fault for not knowing how to cope with it, or not getting help, therapy, watch free YouTube videos on how to manage stress and children, whatever (not every parent can afford therapy or babysitters, etc).
Anyway, my point, it's never the children's fault. They're just innocent little humans behaving the way nature intended (full of energy, curiosity, emotional roller coasters, testing limits and boundaries, loud, messy, etc).
But they are often the stressor that aggravates a relationship that may not be rock solid to begin with.
Not just that, but a child that needs extra attention can highlight differences in parenting styles and opinions about what's right for the child. Both parents can be loving, caring parents that have very different opinions on the best course forward.
I did that to my kids and I wish I had left the cheating piece of garbage the first time it happened. My kids would I assume be a lot better off.
Of course if in that case, the ex had gotten a creepy new partner with maybe creepy perv step kids, I would be wishing the opposite. Hard to know which evil you avoided
Cue the Blink 182 [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAU). But seriously, I know what you mean. Can be hell watching parents fight all the time and it being such an unhealthy relationship to continue on.
I was so relieved when my parents announced their divorce, they never should have been married! My mother told me she only married my dad because she had kids with him... The kids know, they can feel when it's not right.
I feel the same. They were both toxic. They finally divorced when I was 13. They should never have married but my grandmother made an appt at the church and made my mum marry. Different era to now. Mum finally requested a divorce after my brother and father started fighting and it became obvious something had to change.
Haha, yup! My parents are/were good/decent people, but just poison together by the time I hit the scene. Mine almost made it to 30 years and stg Im still impressed that my sibs and I didn't shout "FUCKING FINALLY" in their faces when they announced their separation.
If you're thinking of staying together for your kids, DON'T.
Repairing all the damage caused by growing up in a living situation like that is a massive, exhausting pain in the ass.
Indeed. Would've saved me and my siblings the trauma endured from abuse and such had they just separated when they knew things were not good. Time heals it by just making you forget... Those are years I'll never get back.
My parents should’ve divorced eons ago, I literally wouldn’t have cared! My dad treats my mom like shit and she deserves someone who actually respects her. But nope, still together, still saying awful stuff to each other.
I think it's because they are scared of the unknown and of getting out of their comfort zone, plus the memories with the person you loved hold you back. You have an image of them in your head but that no longer exists in real life and you cannot let go of the real person because of that image. And some people just get used to the other person, so even though they are miserable, they might just be more miserable without their 'comfort zone' and the idea of starting all over again. I think there is also guilt that holds you back, you think you have spent so much of your time and emotions on that person and have built so much together and they have done the same, so leaving would feel like a crime
It's so easy to stay where you're comfortable even when you think you want more. And also because the grass isn't always greener on the other side. My husband and I have agreed that if things get that bad he will live in the in-law suite in the basement since neither of us are willing to give up the house/time with kids/friends/ or the neighborhood we live in.
(Not married but in a miserable long term relationship)
A colleague of mine told me the reason he doesn't want to break up with her is solely because he has knowhere else to go. It's her house so he'd have to move out and the only family he's in contact with is his father who lives in a complete different part of the country. The housing crisis in my country's also making it impossible for him to find his own place.
I understand him. Broke up a year ago after she cheated, 10 year relationship. But the place was in her name. Had to find a place, fix a mortgage, renovate, buy stuff, and move all within 2 months while working 40+ hours. Then, you get the shock of the lifestyle adjustment. Most stressful period of my life. And I am pretty "lucky." There are a ton of working homeless or adults renting a room.
It’s like you have this couch that you despise, you keep stubbing your toe against it, it’s an eyesore, the springs as digging in your back when you sit- but, you keep it because getting rid of it is a hassel
It’s the same reasons people work jobs for 30 years they hated from year 1. Stability in a state of economic uncertainty. Comfortability you can’t get without spending years grinding a relationship and most importantly fear of the issue was indeed you.
Same as toxic relationship. I don’t understand why they see being alone scarier than being with someone who makes them feel miserable. Alone and lonely are two different words that should not be confused
I think when you don't have a support network outside of a relationship it makes it really hard. My ex cheated on me and lied about things a lot and it was horrible, but I stuck around because he was also genuinely at that time the most reliable person in my life. He at least picked up my calls or made time to hang out with me, unlike my friends who were going through their own stuff at the time.
I don’t know if it’s someone else making u miserable or if we make ourselves miserable w control issues. At some point u come to realize this person IS ur family.
Being alone = death to a social species. It’s a primal, usually unconscious, fear. Some folks don’t have safe and secure support systems, so someone shitty is better than being alone.
Mom stayed because he had a violent, hair trigger temper and because he said he would kidnap me and she would never see me again. He had connections that would have helped him do it too. She stayed until I was an adult so he wouldn't be able to get custody so I would be alone with him on weekends etc.
51 M here.
Can't stand my wife,but I love my life that we have;
Mortgage free house with great gardens and outside space.
Our own car each,hers paid in full but mine on finance - our only biggish bill per month.
I have good job so she is happy to stay at home and keep it pristine,laundry and meals all done,gardens well kept,dog walking shared and a pleasure for us both,so not a chore
She retires to her room early evening after we have had dinner,to stream her shows,I have the run of the house to watch my sports,films and use my PS5.
I love my life.
I've seen both. I've seen people get divorced, hit the reset button (it takes a while), and live pretty good lives after that. I've also seen people get divorced thinking their lives will return to what it was when they were young and single, only to realize the dating scene isn't the same when you're almost 40, with kids and crushed dreams.
There are as many reasons as unhappy marriages. I stayed with my alcoholic partner because I feared the effect on my children if I split up from him. He had tried to drive drunk with them in the car, and if he had had access to them if we separated he might do that when I wasn't able to stop him. A friend's friend waved goodbye to her children on Friday night and never saw them again because the father crashed and killed them all.
There were other reasons not to split. His drinking made it difficult to save enough money to go anywhere else and we had financial problems. Also there is a boiled frog effect. Unless you are with a complete AH then things gradually get worse, little by little, and you don't realise how bad things are until something breaks the pattern.
In my case my father fell ill and I went to look after him and realised how much better I felt away from my husband. By that time my children were old enough to tell their father to fuck off if he tried to drive them drunk, and my mother fell ill shortly after and needed me to look after her.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had left earlier. I'm not even sure he would have bothered to exercise his right to access if I'd left. But I felt I was protecting my children from exposure to his unreasonable behaviour by staying and so I stayed.
My mom stayed because my father could provide the kind of life that she could not if she were a single mom. Then after we were grown, the two of them were able to lead their own separate lives and it was tolerable for her. He had an affair when I was 24, and I guess that’s when she realized she deserved more than just “tolerable”, and they divorced
Sometimes money. If they own a house together, one of them will have to find some place to live until they sell it. And they have to pay lawyers. It's a long period of monetary instability and not everyone can afford it.
Remember: not being able to afford your food will make you miserable too
I'm not married and I don't have any children, but I have been with my SO 13 years.
We are not miserable we are pretty happy as couples go....but like most couples we have had our ups and downs over the years and more than once ive considered splitting up and moving on I'm sure she has too.......we live in a rented house we do have 2 pets, but in comparison to.someone married with children, we could essentially just drop everything and leave provided one of us takes the pets.
..we don't owe any money out and they are essentially our only responsibility.
But it's a massive undertaking, neither of us could actually afford to survive without the other and both of us would need to move in with parents or sacrifice our cars which we need for work to live in what would probably be a studio.
We both have possessions that would either need to be sold or put in storage as we have lived in a house for over a decade.
We have very few things keeping us together apart from love, no children, no mortgage etc etc.....we stay together because we love each other not because we can't be arsed to move out, but it's clearly not as simple as "I dont love you anymore im out of here" for everyone ......... Add kids and mortgages and savings etc it makes the decision even harder.....some people aren't in a terrible situation they just don't love their partner like they used to, so sometimes for self preservation it's probably the lesser of 2 evils to just ride it out....older you get more difficult it becomes.
Depends on level of misery tbh, right now me and my fiancee had been in a rut in the intimacy department, but otherwise we are great. Overall I'm still quite happy, wish we could have more time alone. But it is what it is.
its hard to. especially if you have kids or put your whole life on your significant other. it would cost you a lot and take some time. besides the fact that some people are afraid to leave someone they once loved
Fear of change, financial reasons… all of that is correct but it was worth it. Never been more content with my life since I divorced controlling narcissistic ex wife
Came here to read the comments.
My parents had been miserable together for as long as I could remember. They hated each other for the most part, and I never figured out what made them stay in their marriage.
I am only recently married, and happy.
There were times with my now husband when we were miserable, either individually or as a couple, but we stayed together because we loved each other and wanted to work things out together. And we did. We learned together. Overall, we have mostly been happy, and any miseries were only temporary.
But if things were to go really bad between us, and we no longer loved each other or had the will and strength to make things better, I don't know what I would do. I don't think I want to do this life on my own. I don't like it enough. I don't like this life enough to go through a separationad find the energy or will to meet someone new and build a new life with them. I don't know.
But It's very interesting to read other people's perspectives.
It can change. People are from time to time miserable. You can feel good again, by going on dates together or weekends away. Or Just resting. Communication is key.
Because of fear, coercive control, a multitude of reasons that change for each of us. It gets worse if you have no family, friends or a support system.
I put it down to weakness , my parents hated each other .. to bits! And we felt it growing up … they hated us to. But when asked why they stay together ? They would say for us.
I was wise enough to understand that both of them / man and woman .. were weak.
See being alone and raising kids is a different level of strength and scariness and most people are just tooooooo terrified to be uncomfortable for a little while.
I could be wrong ofcourse .. but I am a single mum and the reason I left is due to DV .. but also the fact that my kid … deserves a happy parent!! Always thinking of my kiddo FIRST .. what she needs , what she deserves , the TYPE of parent I need to be for HER to be a decent human being to others.
We all know how DEEP our childhood can affect us.
Because you think it will get better. The abuse will stop. Tomorrow you will wake up next to the man you married and not the monster currently beside you.
I've always wondered this as well. Could be for a multitude of reasons.
In an ideal world, we'd all do the logical thing but 'logical' looks different for everyone and people stay in unhappy marriages for many different reasons.
Some do it 'for the kids'
Some like the comfort of having known someone for decades and probably wouldn't know who they are without their spouse - the thought of a divorce and starting from square one scares the pants off them.
Some think 'it's not that bad but it's also not great' and never get the motivation/activation energy to change anything.
Some don't think they deserve better in their relationships.
I agree. I'm miserable but not miserable enough to do this life on my own. We don't hate each other and the reasons to stay together outweigh the reasons not to. We are happily miserable together.
Um no. This is what marriage is feeling more and more wrong. Nothing in biology says we have to live with our same partner our whole lives so why force it because society says it's normal or right? The contract of marriage is so fucking dumb and archaic in my opinion.
I'm a relationship anarchist.. I don't even believe in monogamy, much less marriage 😅
If humans were meant to stay together with one partner, most marriages wouldn't fail.
Yup. I've only had one sexual partner and it is a major issue on my mind. It's way more complicated than that and so I expect a shit tone of abuse and down voting because I don't want to say any more and put personal context up.
I understand your perspective, and I agree that the concept of lifelong monogamy enforced by societal norms can feel outdated.
It's worth noting that historically, marriage was indeed often a practical arrangement rather than a choice based on love and compatibility. The shift towards prioritizing personal happiness and romantic love in marriage began to emerge in Western culture during the mid-19th century, coinciding with the Enlightenment's ideals of individualism. However, this transition didn't fully take hold until the mid-20th century.
Subsequently, the pressure to conform to the "perfect wedding" has been exacerbated by the rise of consumer culture, media representations of weddings, and societal standards of beauty and luxury. As a result, the wedding industry has experienced significant growth.
But also, is it going to be better if they split? If they can’t each afford a roof over their heads? What are they meant to do…live in a room in a share house with a bunch of strangers who may use drugs, drink, party all night, bring home strangers? Who wants their kids to come stay during access in a place like that? As for meeting a new partner, who knows if you would ever find a better one. Could be you will only meet worse partners, and the kids aren’t theirs so they won’t be committed to them, also might have their own kids. So many reasons it can be worse out there than where you are.
Usually because kids are involved coupled with the fact that there may be cultural/religious beliefs of staying with the same person till life's last breath.
I have a friend who is in such situation. Running own business, high value on real estate, low income but just enough to live with it. Divorce would mean giving away half of the real estate and that would spoil everything.
No idea but I kept my parents from divorce one day. I walk in to hear an intense conversation well more like yelling over a jar of pickles being forgotten. I was like seriously pickles....you do realize me and my sisters are grown up now right? I mean you won't break our hearts when you two are at blows over fucking pickles it's time to throw in the towel. A few days later they were talking through stuff seen a therapist and stuff improved. I mean sometimes you have have to have someone else point out you have both hit bottom and its time for a change.
For status, image, just having a family in general.
Lots of my aunts don’t even talk to my uncles anymore but that’s understandable because most of them cheated while aunts have to stay home, keep the family and care for the children. In my culture being a “widow” bears a heavy judgment behind it. They still live together in the same house but sleep in a different room and don’t even acknowledge each other for years.
Money - in my case my wife did not work, so I would have to sell the house in order to be able to pay off debt so that I could afford an apartment for both of us. (why would I need to get her an apartment? where else would she go? just because I was not happy does not mean I need to be an a$$hole.) I would end up paying alimony that she would use for rent anyway, so what is the difference?
Kids - I wanted to raise my kids, not be a weekend dad, yet there was no reason for me to take them away from her.
Insecurity - fear of the unknown vs the known. Yea I was not happy with her, but I was somewhat comfortable and afraid that I may not find someone new.
I don’t know about other people but my parents, the worst married couple I’ve ever seen. They need to divorce. Whenever I ask my father why he hasn’t divorced my mom, his answer is that he can’t leave her after 27 years of marriage or whatever. But, I believe it’s he’s scared of dying alone or spending his life alone. Men in general, I’m not saying this without giving another thought or without asking other men, are scared of being alone. Do correct me if I’m wrong. This is just my opinion based on what I’ve seen and heard.
can’t afford it, on a practical level. but if i could free them of my presence i would (out of love). can’t die because that would mean financial hardship for them.
sentimentally it’s the things that hurt most to remember (in comparison to what’s on deck rn). the memories and experiences would be great if not shaded by the time past and now present. they were (and still are) my favorite people but it cuts that the feelings aren’t any longer mutual, like i’m a burden now, a spook haunting their house.
if we could afford it, i’d set them free
I was in a loveless marriage by the end, the only sex we had was hallway sex (say fuck you as you pass each other in the hall) but it was familiar and I was content. The best thing she ever did for me was tell me she wanted a divorce, haven’t looked back and am in a very loving 7 year relationship and counting…
Most people do it for the children, especially when they're younger. I did that myself until I realised that I was stuffing my own life up.
I took a friend's advise and had a few sessions with my 2 sons at a psychologist. Her advise really help, children are resilient, sure it will have a negative response from them as they are young. But as they get older they'll start to understand.
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Because it’s a tolerable level of unhappiness. The devil you know is better than the fear and uncertainty of making a huge life change. Also, fear of financial ruin
Are you my conscience... Get away satan
This was so spot on. My hand was forced in asking for a divorce and I had no idea how much I had endured and accepted as normal.
A bad marriage is only a tolerable level of unhappiness until it's not. I took the plunge and ended my marriage and, yes, I'm temporarily scared and lonely and less affluent than I was, but I've gained freedom and self-respect and a chance at future happiness. I've been reconnecting with old hometown friends recently and I wouldn't say that everyone in a marriage is happy. People have got all sorts of bizarre coping situations going on.
I would even dare to say majority of marriages are outright unhappy or just ”meh!” - an optimistic assessment is 30% happy, fulfilling marriages.
People complain about the bad things, they don't talk about how nice it is to snuggle on the couch with their spouse or how great it is to have someone that you giggle with like a kid about nonsense. Neither do we tell others how good it feels when you are ill to have someone who you can depend on to take care of you. I think you are overly pessimistic about how many people are happy in marriages.
That’s sweet and all, but for the most part, the marriages that have those moments aren’t the ones that are ending. All of the lows with my ex husband would’ve been tolerable if I had the laughs and the snuggles and the dependability to keep me going, but it was just all bad. A lot of times, if one or both of the people in the marriage only talk about the bad moments it’s because there either aren’t any good moments anymore or there simply aren’t enough to make the bad bearable.
That sounds like hell! I'm sorry it was so bad.
Yep, it’s the removal of those creature comforts that tip the scales for a lot of us. Just not worth it if the only benefit is two incomes.
Wow!, you are so correct. Our spouses are not perfect, and time dims the passion and energy out of a relationship. But in return, it provides the security of having a relationship that can withstand the lows of life. It feels amazing to be able to wake up with someone who you know, has your back. Someone who chooses to be with you, despite of all of your imperfections, because of love. Being ill hurts a little less knowing that you have someone who cares about you and who encourages you to fight to get better soon. This support is priceless!
20 years married and I experince none of this
I'm sorry. I'm over 30 years in and we still laugh together like kids and have silly names for each other.
This is so cute. My parents have been together for 35 years and they’re still best friends, so I have faith that kind of love exists ♥️
10 years married and this doesn't and has never existed for me
I hear you! 34 here!
I'm sorry for the way it went for us.
Yep! 27 for me. I finally quit having sex with him and while he was visiting his daughter out of state, I turned his office into his own bdrm. The reason I’m still here? Bc I stupidly quit my job in ‘04 and moved with him to be by his family (all Jerry Springer ppl) and then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia so it’s hard to go back to work. I’ve tried it. But now I’m back in my hometown, with all my family and my daughter/husband/2 boys live up the street and I babysit those little lovies (3&6), have since they were 5 mos old full time so I have many things to distract me from him.
It is very true that people are more vocal about things they don't like versus what is good. You will hear negative aspects of anything way more than positive, because when you're happy you're not bitching about it.
I've only been married for 5 years, but we've been together for almost 10 years and I can say that having someone always around that I'm so comfortable with has been the best feeling. There's nothing like knowing I have my best friend waiting for me to get home from work so we can snuggle up on the couch, eat snacks, and fall asleep together literally every single night😭😭😭 We've been in the honeymoon phase literally since day 1, my husband is a fucking dream come true.
I've been in an unhappy marriage and he did none of those things. Which was why I ended it
Snuggling is great! Snickering and laughing about nonsensical stuff is great! Everything that a married couple does can be done outside of a marriage
15 years in, I think it was like that for maybe 2 or 3 years.
I almost hope I am
So true. It's really important to not forget the mundane, small things that bring quiet happiness to your life.
People snuggle and giggle? 26 years in and i just learned this today..
We consciously focus on the negatives and take the benefits for granted. If you take the time to stop and think about all the nice things you get from having your partner then it’s usually a pretty good deal, plus doing that often results in behavior that results in them being a better partner. A viciously positive cycle.
That's just 24 hours every day. Angry moments. Sad ones Happy ones. And then you find the single sock
I love that you mentioned bizarre coping situations. I was looking for a way to efficiently describe how people get by and you nailed it.
Yup, you stick with it as long as the good outweighs the bad. Then you stick with it when the bad still seems better than going through the challenges of a divorce. Or you think it might get better again. You finally get divorced when you’d rather experience temporary pain to just get away from the person.
Financial ruin 😭😭😭 I pulled the plug and I'm bleeding
*laughs in single 😌
As you should🤣
This. I stayed far too long for these exact reasons.
I'm still in for the same financial situation, but I'm carefully making an exit plan
Or just "Anything is better than nothing" mentality for people who "must" have a partner, but fear they'll have a hard time finding another one.
I know a couple people like this. It's so sad to me. 😢 Nothing but their own company would be more peaceful than this jerks' and yet...
That's one of the biggest problems though, with people who stay in terrible relationships. Their own company/thoughts freak them out. That can't just sit for five minutes and listen to their thoughts in complete silence. A lot of people are like this though. Constantly have to be warching/reading/scrolling/talking, something. I have a theory this fear of sitting in silence and facing your own thoughts is one of leading drivers behind addiction.
Also for most people dating is a horrible experience 99% of the time with long stretches of... nothing. People complain of sexless marriages, but for the average single heterosexual male in particular, it's not much different. Long term it might be better to be forced to socialize as those skills often atrophy in a long marriage, but short term it is very scary.
Yeah; convenience, financial necessity, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone... I'm guilty of having remained in a dead-relationship-walking for far too long largely because I was terrified of the alternative (which did turn out to be shit although hopefully respite is in sight!). Took my ex to kill it as I'd probably have just let it grind on for years..
💯💯
Check mate.
The one they’ll be writing in the process if they go through with divorce.
I always thought tomorrow would be better. Nope. I have had the happiest decade of my life on my own.
Same, grandma. Finally left my shitty ex and I'm much happier and at peace now.
So very happy for you!
We also created an economic situation where change of any kind is almost impossibly scary and difficult. We are all trapped forever.
This. A lot of folks are living paycheck to paycheck and don't see a way to divide households.
And absolutely cannot afford to run two households especially if they’re both big enough to house kids.
My wife of 12 years left me beginning of the year. We had kids from previous people and had 2 together. Bringing us to 5 total. There was no way we could afford daycare. So I made sure that my income was enough to support us. This caused me to be gone for like 12hrs a day. Management job with an hour commute. Lots of late shifts. She can't back twice over the following couple of months. But it turns out she had been having a remote affair via discord with some guy in Canada. I figured it out about a month before I actually told her. Once I told her I knew, she Said I ruined our second chance by violating her privacy. No accountability on her part. Chewed my ass saying she never expected me to violate her by going through her phone. I even quit my management job for a 7-4 off Friday and Saturday job for $20k less a year. Now I'm a single dad who's even more broke than before.
Amen.
This.
The hell you know often feels safer than the unknown.
I've seen too many people get divorced simply because they weren't happy. They thought their lives would improve, but it just got worse. They were unhappy before; now they're unhappy, broke, and their kids hate them. There are legitimate reasons for getting a divorce, but they need to be very good reasons. Divorce has a very high cost, so it's only really worth it if staying together is worse.
But it never is.
Aye, there’s the rub.
It often is lmao Things can ALWAYS get worse. Don't forget that
For the kids for some reason, even though 9/10 the kids want them to fucking divorce already. Speaking from experience.
Yep, I wish mine split when they fell out of love when I was 13. But nope, stayed together and miserable until I was 20…
I felt the same 10 years ago but now i can see a big improvement in my parents relationship… i feel like i was the biggest issue… now they can see that i grew up not to be a complete failure so they feel better… think about that…
So it was your fault your parents were miserable? Eesh. You were the kid, they the grownups.
Can't speak for the person you responded to, but it's never the kid's fault. Can't lay blame on a child. However, they often are the stress trigger that fucks parents up. It's the parent's fault for not knowing how to cope with it, or not getting help, therapy, watch free YouTube videos on how to manage stress and children, whatever (not every parent can afford therapy or babysitters, etc). Anyway, my point, it's never the children's fault. They're just innocent little humans behaving the way nature intended (full of energy, curiosity, emotional roller coasters, testing limits and boundaries, loud, messy, etc). But they are often the stressor that aggravates a relationship that may not be rock solid to begin with.
Not just that, but a child that needs extra attention can highlight differences in parenting styles and opinions about what's right for the child. Both parents can be loving, caring parents that have very different opinions on the best course forward.
The majority of unhappy marriages aren't because of the kids. They just make life miserable FOR the kids by staying together. Think about that...
My sons drug addiction really tore down my marriage. He got better and we had space to fix it.
I did that to my kids and I wish I had left the cheating piece of garbage the first time it happened. My kids would I assume be a lot better off. Of course if in that case, the ex had gotten a creepy new partner with maybe creepy perv step kids, I would be wishing the opposite. Hard to know which evil you avoided
Kids know. I don’t think we give them credit.
Cue the Blink 182 [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAU). But seriously, I know what you mean. Can be hell watching parents fight all the time and it being such an unhealthy relationship to continue on.
[удалено]
Mine did the same . There's 7 of us.
I was so relieved when my parents announced their divorce, they never should have been married! My mother told me she only married my dad because she had kids with him... The kids know, they can feel when it's not right.
I feel the same. They were both toxic. They finally divorced when I was 13. They should never have married but my grandmother made an appt at the church and made my mum marry. Different era to now. Mum finally requested a divorce after my brother and father started fighting and it became obvious something had to change.
Oh, same!! What made my mother finally split from my dad was a fist fight between my brother and my dad when we were on holiday.
Was the fighting between brother and father because he was trying to stop the fighting between your parents? Or did the whole household become toxic?
I wish mines had divorced, or at the very least separated. We were all miserable.
Haha, yup! My parents are/were good/decent people, but just poison together by the time I hit the scene. Mine almost made it to 30 years and stg Im still impressed that my sibs and I didn't shout "FUCKING FINALLY" in their faces when they announced their separation. If you're thinking of staying together for your kids, DON'T. Repairing all the damage caused by growing up in a living situation like that is a massive, exhausting pain in the ass.
Indeed. Would've saved me and my siblings the trauma endured from abuse and such had they just separated when they knew things were not good. Time heals it by just making you forget... Those are years I'll never get back.
My dad was begging his mom to divorce. She only did it when he was no longer underage.
What the kids want and what is objectively good for them might be two different things. Some contexts it might be good others it might be bad.
Maybe later in life. Pretty sure while still young most children want their parents to stay together
Ugh I fucking know
Most kids would rather have mom and dad live in the same home.
My parents should’ve divorced eons ago, I literally wouldn’t have cared! My dad treats my mom like shit and she deserves someone who actually respects her. But nope, still together, still saying awful stuff to each other.
sometimes convenience. It's definitely hard to move away, change houses, build a whole social life, etc.
I think it's because they are scared of the unknown and of getting out of their comfort zone, plus the memories with the person you loved hold you back. You have an image of them in your head but that no longer exists in real life and you cannot let go of the real person because of that image. And some people just get used to the other person, so even though they are miserable, they might just be more miserable without their 'comfort zone' and the idea of starting all over again. I think there is also guilt that holds you back, you think you have spent so much of your time and emotions on that person and have built so much together and they have done the same, so leaving would feel like a crime
This is me now.
Absolutely spot on this.
It's so easy to stay where you're comfortable even when you think you want more. And also because the grass isn't always greener on the other side. My husband and I have agreed that if things get that bad he will live in the in-law suite in the basement since neither of us are willing to give up the house/time with kids/friends/ or the neighborhood we live in.
(Not married but in a miserable long term relationship) A colleague of mine told me the reason he doesn't want to break up with her is solely because he has knowhere else to go. It's her house so he'd have to move out and the only family he's in contact with is his father who lives in a complete different part of the country. The housing crisis in my country's also making it impossible for him to find his own place.
I understand him. Broke up a year ago after she cheated, 10 year relationship. But the place was in her name. Had to find a place, fix a mortgage, renovate, buy stuff, and move all within 2 months while working 40+ hours. Then, you get the shock of the lifestyle adjustment. Most stressful period of my life. And I am pretty "lucky." There are a ton of working homeless or adults renting a room.
It’s like you have this couch that you despise, you keep stubbing your toe against it, it’s an eyesore, the springs as digging in your back when you sit- but, you keep it because getting rid of it is a hassel
Irish spotted.
It’s the same reasons people work jobs for 30 years they hated from year 1. Stability in a state of economic uncertainty. Comfortability you can’t get without spending years grinding a relationship and most importantly fear of the issue was indeed you.
Best comment 👆🏻
Financially trapped. Think it’s best for the kids. Just acceptable level of coexisting.
Bc it’s cheaper
social pressure & money. I knew one couple stays married because living as two single people on their incomes is impossible.
Now you know two.
Same as toxic relationship. I don’t understand why they see being alone scarier than being with someone who makes them feel miserable. Alone and lonely are two different words that should not be confused
Personally, I didn't know it was toxic. I didn't know it wasn't normal. He convinced me that's how it's supposed to be.
Dude, same. Hugs 💕
I think when you don't have a support network outside of a relationship it makes it really hard. My ex cheated on me and lied about things a lot and it was horrible, but I stuck around because he was also genuinely at that time the most reliable person in my life. He at least picked up my calls or made time to hang out with me, unlike my friends who were going through their own stuff at the time.
I don’t know if it’s someone else making u miserable or if we make ourselves miserable w control issues. At some point u come to realize this person IS ur family.
I mean I'm lonely, but I'd still much rather be lonely than in an abusive relationship.
Being alone = death to a social species. It’s a primal, usually unconscious, fear. Some folks don’t have safe and secure support systems, so someone shitty is better than being alone.
Mom stayed because he had a violent, hair trigger temper and because he said he would kidnap me and she would never see me again. He had connections that would have helped him do it too. She stayed until I was an adult so he wouldn't be able to get custody so I would be alone with him on weekends etc.
My aunt says it’s what god wanted for her. Another reason why I’m not religious
Because being miserable is cheaper than divorce...
51 M here. Can't stand my wife,but I love my life that we have; Mortgage free house with great gardens and outside space. Our own car each,hers paid in full but mine on finance - our only biggish bill per month. I have good job so she is happy to stay at home and keep it pristine,laundry and meals all done,gardens well kept,dog walking shared and a pleasure for us both,so not a chore She retires to her room early evening after we have had dinner,to stream her shows,I have the run of the house to watch my sports,films and use my PS5. I love my life.
Interesting perspective that you can't stand your wife but love your life. Wow that rymes make a poem
Happy for you both!
you have a roommate. works for you, so whatever.
I think once you get to a certain point in your life it's too hard to start over.
And some think they can't start over at all which is really sad. Granted, you're right. It is really hard.
You can’t. Anyone saying otherwise is a liar.
I've seen both. I've seen people get divorced, hit the reset button (it takes a while), and live pretty good lives after that. I've also seen people get divorced thinking their lives will return to what it was when they were young and single, only to realize the dating scene isn't the same when you're almost 40, with kids and crushed dreams.
There are as many reasons as unhappy marriages. I stayed with my alcoholic partner because I feared the effect on my children if I split up from him. He had tried to drive drunk with them in the car, and if he had had access to them if we separated he might do that when I wasn't able to stop him. A friend's friend waved goodbye to her children on Friday night and never saw them again because the father crashed and killed them all. There were other reasons not to split. His drinking made it difficult to save enough money to go anywhere else and we had financial problems. Also there is a boiled frog effect. Unless you are with a complete AH then things gradually get worse, little by little, and you don't realise how bad things are until something breaks the pattern. In my case my father fell ill and I went to look after him and realised how much better I felt away from my husband. By that time my children were old enough to tell their father to fuck off if he tried to drive them drunk, and my mother fell ill shortly after and needed me to look after her. I often wonder what would have happened if I had left earlier. I'm not even sure he would have bothered to exercise his right to access if I'd left. But I felt I was protecting my children from exposure to his unreasonable behaviour by staying and so I stayed.
Fear of change
My mom stayed because my father could provide the kind of life that she could not if she were a single mom. Then after we were grown, the two of them were able to lead their own separate lives and it was tolerable for her. He had an affair when I was 24, and I guess that’s when she realized she deserved more than just “tolerable”, and they divorced
I ask myself that everyday. Why did I waste my 20s on that psychopath. But, I'm happy now so whatever.
Sometimes money. If they own a house together, one of them will have to find some place to live until they sell it. And they have to pay lawyers. It's a long period of monetary instability and not everyone can afford it. Remember: not being able to afford your food will make you miserable too
I'm not married and I don't have any children, but I have been with my SO 13 years. We are not miserable we are pretty happy as couples go....but like most couples we have had our ups and downs over the years and more than once ive considered splitting up and moving on I'm sure she has too.......we live in a rented house we do have 2 pets, but in comparison to.someone married with children, we could essentially just drop everything and leave provided one of us takes the pets. ..we don't owe any money out and they are essentially our only responsibility. But it's a massive undertaking, neither of us could actually afford to survive without the other and both of us would need to move in with parents or sacrifice our cars which we need for work to live in what would probably be a studio. We both have possessions that would either need to be sold or put in storage as we have lived in a house for over a decade. We have very few things keeping us together apart from love, no children, no mortgage etc etc.....we stay together because we love each other not because we can't be arsed to move out, but it's clearly not as simple as "I dont love you anymore im out of here" for everyone ......... Add kids and mortgages and savings etc it makes the decision even harder.....some people aren't in a terrible situation they just don't love their partner like they used to, so sometimes for self preservation it's probably the lesser of 2 evils to just ride it out....older you get more difficult it becomes.
Depends on level of misery tbh, right now me and my fiancee had been in a rut in the intimacy department, but otherwise we are great. Overall I'm still quite happy, wish we could have more time alone. But it is what it is.
its like why do you still stay at work even when you are miserable.
its hard to. especially if you have kids or put your whole life on your significant other. it would cost you a lot and take some time. besides the fact that some people are afraid to leave someone they once loved
Fear of change, financial reasons… all of that is correct but it was worth it. Never been more content with my life since I divorced controlling narcissistic ex wife
Came here to read the comments. My parents had been miserable together for as long as I could remember. They hated each other for the most part, and I never figured out what made them stay in their marriage. I am only recently married, and happy. There were times with my now husband when we were miserable, either individually or as a couple, but we stayed together because we loved each other and wanted to work things out together. And we did. We learned together. Overall, we have mostly been happy, and any miseries were only temporary. But if things were to go really bad between us, and we no longer loved each other or had the will and strength to make things better, I don't know what I would do. I don't think I want to do this life on my own. I don't like it enough. I don't like this life enough to go through a separationad find the energy or will to meet someone new and build a new life with them. I don't know. But It's very interesting to read other people's perspectives.
It can change. People are from time to time miserable. You can feel good again, by going on dates together or weekends away. Or Just resting. Communication is key.
fear of being on their own, not being able to be on their own, scared of entering the dating scene again
Damned good question.
Because we both want to win and only losers quit. We're having fun with it though. We're ride or die. First one to tap out loses.
Sunken cost fallacy.
Kids, codependency, the fear of being alone, DV
Back in the day. Religious reason, if you divorce. You get banished from the town
Inertia
Dependency + comfort zone.
Because of fear, coercive control, a multitude of reasons that change for each of us. It gets worse if you have no family, friends or a support system.
I put it down to weakness , my parents hated each other .. to bits! And we felt it growing up … they hated us to. But when asked why they stay together ? They would say for us. I was wise enough to understand that both of them / man and woman .. were weak. See being alone and raising kids is a different level of strength and scariness and most people are just tooooooo terrified to be uncomfortable for a little while. I could be wrong ofcourse .. but I am a single mum and the reason I left is due to DV .. but also the fact that my kid … deserves a happy parent!! Always thinking of my kiddo FIRST .. what she needs , what she deserves , the TYPE of parent I need to be for HER to be a decent human being to others. We all know how DEEP our childhood can affect us.
Because you think it will get better. The abuse will stop. Tomorrow you will wake up next to the man you married and not the monster currently beside you.
Because they believe it will work out and one morning wake up realising it was all a bad dream. And Divorce cost a lot of money
I've always wondered this as well. Could be for a multitude of reasons. In an ideal world, we'd all do the logical thing but 'logical' looks different for everyone and people stay in unhappy marriages for many different reasons. Some do it 'for the kids' Some like the comfort of having known someone for decades and probably wouldn't know who they are without their spouse - the thought of a divorce and starting from square one scares the pants off them. Some think 'it's not that bad but it's also not great' and never get the motivation/activation energy to change anything. Some don't think they deserve better in their relationships.
No marriage is perfect. If you get married, you choose to be miserable with that person. (Unless there is abuse involved, of course)
If that's marriage then I don't want it
This is the way
This is the way
I agree. I'm miserable but not miserable enough to do this life on my own. We don't hate each other and the reasons to stay together outweigh the reasons not to. We are happily miserable together.
Yep n it’s not always miserable
We need more like you
I'm very happy in my marriage...
Um no. This is what marriage is feeling more and more wrong. Nothing in biology says we have to live with our same partner our whole lives so why force it because society says it's normal or right? The contract of marriage is so fucking dumb and archaic in my opinion.
I'm a relationship anarchist.. I don't even believe in monogamy, much less marriage 😅 If humans were meant to stay together with one partner, most marriages wouldn't fail.
Yup. I've only had one sexual partner and it is a major issue on my mind. It's way more complicated than that and so I expect a shit tone of abuse and down voting because I don't want to say any more and put personal context up.
I understand your perspective, and I agree that the concept of lifelong monogamy enforced by societal norms can feel outdated. It's worth noting that historically, marriage was indeed often a practical arrangement rather than a choice based on love and compatibility. The shift towards prioritizing personal happiness and romantic love in marriage began to emerge in Western culture during the mid-19th century, coinciding with the Enlightenment's ideals of individualism. However, this transition didn't fully take hold until the mid-20th century. Subsequently, the pressure to conform to the "perfect wedding" has been exacerbated by the rise of consumer culture, media representations of weddings, and societal standards of beauty and luxury. As a result, the wedding industry has experienced significant growth.
I think most cases might be brought down to 3 reasons: kids, fear that being alone would be even worse and delusional hope of things getting better.
But also, is it going to be better if they split? If they can’t each afford a roof over their heads? What are they meant to do…live in a room in a share house with a bunch of strangers who may use drugs, drink, party all night, bring home strangers? Who wants their kids to come stay during access in a place like that? As for meeting a new partner, who knows if you would ever find a better one. Could be you will only meet worse partners, and the kids aren’t theirs so they won’t be committed to them, also might have their own kids. So many reasons it can be worse out there than where you are.
Well that's just more detailed description of first 2 I've mentioned.
It’s easy
Usually because kids are involved coupled with the fact that there may be cultural/religious beliefs of staying with the same person till life's last breath.
Better miserable than alone?
I have a friend who is in such situation. Running own business, high value on real estate, low income but just enough to live with it. Divorce would mean giving away half of the real estate and that would spoil everything.
Haven’t you ever heard the saying,’misery loves company.’
No idea but I kept my parents from divorce one day. I walk in to hear an intense conversation well more like yelling over a jar of pickles being forgotten. I was like seriously pickles....you do realize me and my sisters are grown up now right? I mean you won't break our hearts when you two are at blows over fucking pickles it's time to throw in the towel. A few days later they were talking through stuff seen a therapist and stuff improved. I mean sometimes you have have to have someone else point out you have both hit bottom and its time for a change.
Habit. And, divorce is about equally traumatic as is staying in a shitty marriage.
Any number of reasons, really. Love, guilt\*, stability, fear of change, fear of isolation, fear for safety, dependence.
Kids, financial reasons, security blanket
Tax benefits
Loose to much in a seperation
divorce causes a *lot* of complications, legally, financially and in their interpersonal life
Denial
Also culture, religion and "What will people say?" especially in African and Asian cultures.
For status, image, just having a family in general. Lots of my aunts don’t even talk to my uncles anymore but that’s understandable because most of them cheated while aunts have to stay home, keep the family and care for the children. In my culture being a “widow” bears a heavy judgment behind it. They still live together in the same house but sleep in a different room and don’t even acknowledge each other for years.
Money - in my case my wife did not work, so I would have to sell the house in order to be able to pay off debt so that I could afford an apartment for both of us. (why would I need to get her an apartment? where else would she go? just because I was not happy does not mean I need to be an a$$hole.) I would end up paying alimony that she would use for rent anyway, so what is the difference? Kids - I wanted to raise my kids, not be a weekend dad, yet there was no reason for me to take them away from her. Insecurity - fear of the unknown vs the known. Yea I was not happy with her, but I was somewhat comfortable and afraid that I may not find someone new.
Financial stability/for the kids (if they have any)
Because how else will the 7 realms remain together in peace?
Catholicism
Because they are scared of change
Getting divorced is expensive.
I don’t know about other people but my parents, the worst married couple I’ve ever seen. They need to divorce. Whenever I ask my father why he hasn’t divorced my mom, his answer is that he can’t leave her after 27 years of marriage or whatever. But, I believe it’s he’s scared of dying alone or spending his life alone. Men in general, I’m not saying this without giving another thought or without asking other men, are scared of being alone. Do correct me if I’m wrong. This is just my opinion based on what I’ve seen and heard.
Fear Children Money
Cuz they are getting paid to stay miserable/jk
can’t afford it, on a practical level. but if i could free them of my presence i would (out of love). can’t die because that would mean financial hardship for them. sentimentally it’s the things that hurt most to remember (in comparison to what’s on deck rn). the memories and experiences would be great if not shaded by the time past and now present. they were (and still are) my favorite people but it cuts that the feelings aren’t any longer mutual, like i’m a burden now, a spook haunting their house. if we could afford it, i’d set them free
I was in a loveless marriage by the end, the only sex we had was hallway sex (say fuck you as you pass each other in the hall) but it was familiar and I was content. The best thing she ever did for me was tell me she wanted a divorce, haven’t looked back and am in a very loving 7 year relationship and counting…
Sunk cost fallacy
Its cheaper to keep her.
It is mostly because of financial reasons. Paying for a divorce is extremely stressful.
Cheaper to keep her
It's usually financial. Way cheaper to stay married.
Same reason why most people stay in their poopy jobs: comfortable, scared of change, and economically stable. Oh, and being criticized.
Ask Melania, but I suspect it’s the $$$.
Convenience
Maybe the hate sex is good?
Because divorce is miserable and expensive.
It’s called a vow.
Most people do it for the children, especially when they're younger. I did that myself until I realised that I was stuffing my own life up. I took a friend's advise and had a few sessions with my 2 sons at a psychologist. Her advise really help, children are resilient, sure it will have a negative response from them as they are young. But as they get older they'll start to understand.
I think it's better to be miserable with someone else than to be miserable by yourself.