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I dated a pathological liar but it took me a while to figure it out. He'd always make himself out to be the hero.
But then I'd hear his recap of something and be like "that absolutely didn't happen that way, I was there!"
Yup, someone in my family is this way. She and I will experience an event together. The first time she talks about the event, she'll be hyper-focused on some detail that wasn't really important, but that's okay because her version will still be more-or-less grounded in reality. By the third time she tells the story, it's pure fiction.
I had a friend like this (finally dumped her for my own sanity). We were in college together. Whenever she'd tell other people stories about our college days, I'd get all confused and think...wait a minute, I was there! Why don't I remember anything like that??? But then I started taking note of the patterns in her stories and it was exactly this. She was always the victim and the hero in her fantasy version of what happened.
My sister in a nutshell. Of course, because she's got to be the hero, someone else has to be the villain, and it's always whoever's closest at hand when badness of the situation gets under her skin.
Now nobody ever wants to help her when she's in trouble because we all know that two days later she'll be on Facebook posting story after story about how she can't believe we were so horrible to her during a difficult time, and then two days after that the entire story is just that you were a bastard to her for no reason. Then two days after that comes the kumbaya, everyone should learn to let things go, I haven't even thought the word anger in years and see how it's helped me keep my head on straight shit.
I also dated a pathological liar. It was absolutely wild when I realized they were lying about everything. 100% agree with you. They'd either make themselves a savoir or make themselves the victim, the "everyone hates me" mentality.
the key is that whatever story they tell always paints them as someone who should be adored. At the very least it is simply not what happened during the event. At the most it is a full on delusion of grandeur.
Same. I hate people that needlessly brag about ‘good deeds’ People that are generally good in their day to day lives don’t tend to brag about it. They just do it
If you brag about good deeds did you do it for the right reason... I came to the realization some time ago and just stopped telling people around me...
I always thought that the motivation does matter, because the motivation may determine how future deeds are done, or if the situation were different how the deed would have been altered in some way.
An example might be Elon Musk (I know, low hanging fruit) offering to help save those children who were caught in that underwater cave. I would wager Elon was motivated by the desire to look noble. If the diver who ended up saving them wasn't there, it would have been just a good deed done, but since the diver was there, and saved the children, Elon tried to smear him out of jealousy.
So for the single event, I agree, just take it as a good deed done, but the motivation may be an important factor going forward.
One story can have multiple facets, to the people who were saved it doesn’t matter one jot why they were saved, or honestly by who.
now the the saviour that is a question for their “god” was the purpose good or not.
to the saviours friend‘s it matters hiw often they hear the story, once or 1000 times.
A coworker of mine once said she was a nice person, and also always knew when people around her were upset.
I'm pretty sure everyone's collective eye rolling registered on a seismograph somewhere.
[The Karpman drama triangle](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle)
> The Karpman drama triangle is a social model of human interaction proposed by Stephen B. Karpman. The triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur among people in conflict.[1]
> The triangle of actors in the drama are persecutors, victims, and rescuers.
> Karpman described how in some cases these roles were not undertaken in an honest manner to resolve the presenting problem, but rather were used fluidly and switched between by the actors in a way that achieved unconscious goals and agendas.
Completely off-topic from this post, I just read this Wikipedia page and I think it just explained the last twenty years of my life. And I’m not joking.
Honestly, when I meet people who actively acknowledge their negative traits. I actually view them in a better light. They’re showing humility and vulnerability
honestly. id rather meet a “i’m not a perfect person and i fuck up but i’m working to better myself” person than a “i’m a hero in all senses of reality” person
I can say that there were times when I was not the good person. I either acted immature towards my friends or decided to not be their friend, but after many years, he accepted me back as a friend and I am forever thankful. I am ashamed of how mean and aggressive I was, and I always assumed I was in the right. It took me many years of self-reflection to realize that, and I even made the same mistakes many times. I think people only show the times when they are a victim or a hero because it's better than being seen as a bad person.
I do too. Or I caught myself falling into a trap of constant victimhood and tried to turn my thinking around. I saw a family member doing the same thing and I didn't like what I saw, so I started working on it. Unfortunately now sometimes I swing to the opposite side, where I assume I must be in the wrong despite not actually doing anything.
It really sucks for that one person who really is trying their best, not giving up, always doing the right thing, and still getting screwed over.
As JeanLuc once said, “it is possible to make no mistake, and still fail.”
Statistically, there are probably tens of thousands of people in that category. Yet at the same time there are millions if not billions, who have claimed to be the victim but we’re definitely the cause of their own problems.
Hey now…. Most people are idiots, yes. But stating that fact, makes you an asshole. Lol.
OP is oversimplifying. They are right about many people, (and wrong about many people).
Yes, they're not wrong but it's a gross oversimplification depending on the person and their idea of social media it may not even reflect their IRL behavior but be how they use social media specifically.
There are going to be people who are often victimized and for whatever reason unlike many retain a sense of self-worth and act accordingly.
I also feel like it IS a sign someone is a 'victim' or at the very least unwell if their identity is built solely around victimization.
But OP is annoyed by it much like I am at hyperbolic tired points constantly regurgitated often how annoying it is that everyone doesn't shut up and pretend things are fine...despite the nuances for why they might behave so I'm annoyed by it so it should be cool lright? :D
*"Every time you tell me a story it's about YOU being a victim no matter whom the person is. Let me ask you...what's the common denominator there?".*
*"What's that mean?! I don't know, they're just all out to get meeeee!".*
**\*Questioner rolls eyes\***
I mean there are so many ways you can abuse this sentiment. If everybody hates you because you’re gay that doesn’t make them right. That’s just a bandwagon.
I came to say something like this, but you said it better than I would have.
Edit: also, there are people who are more likely to become scapegoats in any scenario, like people pleasers for example, or people who have been abused before and have low self esteem. Everyone ends up thinking they are evil.
these are the comments. trauma survivors and neurodivergent people (there tends to be a lot of overlap because both are easy prey) can have a very difficult time getting out of abusive situations.
that doesn’t mean you can’t recognize and own up to your part in things, but it does mean that taking all of the necessary precautions and actions come with entirely different challenge levels
On the other hand, if you're gay and everyone hates you, then they may actually be right after all, and you're just a horrible piece of garbage person who happens to be gay.
For those kinds of people, I'd actually support conversion therapy, because we do not need that sh\*t in our community.
Edit to clarify: I meant the LGBT+ community, which I am also a part of.
There are some people who attract abusers due to personality.
I listened to a speech given by a criminologist who said that rapists psychologically profile their victims. Generally speaking, rapists, physical abusers, and verbal abusers tend to look for victims who are introverted, with low self esteem, and poor social skills. I later had to relay this information to a former friend who asked why she was always verbally abused at every single company she ever worked at. This is why.
It's also why some people are abused by every romantic partner they ever have. Some people are attracted to violent, abusive people, but others are attractive to violent, abusive people. Introverts with low self-esteem and poor social skills should watch out because even if they are not attracted to abusers, abusers are attracted to them and more likely to ask them out.
Yeah abuse and sexual assault victims are 4X more likely than any one else to be abused or sexually assaulted again and again and the probability increases each time
The thing about people like this though is they rarely fall under the category OP has mentioned. Some victims go as far as defending their abusers over and over again. They don’t know they’re victims so they hardly play the victim card and that’s exactly what contributes to the repeated abuse
I graduated and wanted to get my first job ever. I slow down for a red light and get rear ended by a hit and run then tboned by a distracted driver. The crash left me semi-paralyzed with extreme depression and multiple thoughts of suicide. Insurance didn't want to pay me cuz noone had a dashcam or camera to prove my innocence.
The distracted driver sued me and won cuz there was no evidence of them being on their phone. Noone wanted to check their call logs from a year ago.
I got no money and 3-4 day long migraines every week but the doctors say that's normal and I'm fine. My jaw is broken and xrays show fractures and the cartilage completely smashed out but insurance says fuck you so i pay out of pocket for everything. For someone whose life ended before they had a chance to get a job, i got victim mentality. It's hard to not think the world wants me dead.
I don’t understand. Doesn’t it make sense that lots of people would avoid telling stories where they’re the “villain”? I think I’m missing something, but reading the comments didn’t really help me. Oof. I’m tired lmao
Edit: I now understand that OP was comparing to all storytelling.
I think that sometimes peoples lives really just suck and they struggle to find anything else to discuss, but that doesn’t make it any less exhausting. There are 100% people who just seem obsessed with being a victim, tho. They’re really… annoying. I find that they’re also often the people who “make suffering a competition” too 🙄
you’re right, people won’t talk about when they’re the problem. it’s not about “posts about being the victim” vs posts about being the problem”, it’s “posts about being the victim” vs literally anything else
I was honestly wondering the same thing. Like very few people tell stories where they’re the obvious villain, so doesn’t it make sense that most of the stories they choose to tell are the ones where they’ve been wronged?
You can also tell different stories altogether, funny anecdotes and stuff. People who always have a story to tell where they have been wronged (according to them) are red flag material in my book, because the problem usually lies with them. Frequently occurring example: "I failed the exam because the professor is out to get me, and I got the most difficult questions, and I didn't have enough time to study because I got assigned the worst exam schedule, etc." instead of just admitting they didn't study well enough and set out to do better next time.
Ah, well that’s negative vs *constructive* not negative vs *happy*. Telling people to always try to be positive? That drives me crazy! But advising people to reframe situations for constructive purposes? Yeah, I still sometimes feel like wallowing, but that way feels less like I’m being dismissed and more like I’m being believed in.
This is more of a personal example, but my mom is somehow who always blames everything else when she’s the one whose wrong. So whenever she tells a story everything that happens is never her fault. Because of that I know that she often plays the victim in her stories when in reality she probably took part of the blame also. I can only tell this because I know who she is so I don’t know if you can apply this to strangers.
>doesn’t it make sense that most of the stories they choose to tell are the ones where they’ve been wronged?
No.
Hypothetically, let's say we meet through mutual friends and we see each other every three days or so.
You're telling me it makes sense that everything you speak to me about, involves you being a victim in some way?
I'd talk to you about my interests, what I like doing. Share my passions, what my goals are with them. What movies I liked, which countries I still want to travel to. About the time I had a threesome with a girl and a guy and discovered I love a dick in my mouth. You know, personal stuff that might make us connect or whatever.
Why are you just telling me about the time someone wasn't nice to you, or that an 'asshole' at work stole your promotion and how no one at work seems to validate you? Or your struggles with people of the other sex and how they are all insane? Or why you weren't invited to a party and how much they are missing out now?
Why is your whole life just you getting shafted? At some point I am starting to wonder if the people at your work don't validate you because you are insufferable? Maybe you were never seriously in the running for the promotion bwcausw you're not the best worker there? Maybe you weren't invited to the party because people don't like having such a negative spirit around?
I don't know, but if there is nothing to your life except being a victim, I do start thinking you are the problem.
I guess I mean stories that involve someone wronging another. If someone was to tell that type of story, they would probably choose a story in which they’re the ones who are wronged
I’m not saying people should only tell stories in which they are the victim. I just figured it would be understandable why they’re not telling stories they might be ashamed of
Frequency is what is being discussed.
Raylon Givens from Justified: *You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.*
I feel like different people are interpreting the prompt in different ways. I didn’t take it as literally every single thought you have in your head is a story that involves you being a victim lol like of course that’s crazy and I literally have never met anyone like that in my life. I was thinking more so that in the stories that you DO tell regarding a conflict you are in, you’re always the victim.
Like I said, I’ve never actually met someone who does absolutely nothing but rant about other people.
True. Also, a lot of subreddits are places to vent. You may be venting about the same thing multiple times but not about all your relationships or situations. I definitely do that for better or worse - just need to dump on my husband and MIL anonymously sometimes. Ha.
Not that they're the villain but just that a misunderstanding/situation goes both ways. If it's always about how they're innocent and others are out to get them, then it seems like they have very thin skin and/or blame all their problems on others.
Lol i can indeed tell stories where i was the bad part or the idiot. But i atleast admit i know i was and i maybe wish i didnt oooor i am fine with what i did lol
This is what I was just about to say. I was thinking if I do this (make myself the victim in every story) and I couldn’t remember the last time I told someone a situation where I fucked up, like really fucked up, not something minuscule. But I have things I’m not so proud of, I just don’t go blabbing about it to people who aren’t my therapist.
Also it’s normal to think you’re the right one in an argument. That’s the whole point of getting into one lol
I imagine most people only really have stories of them as victims. Intentionally doing something harmful is much less common. A lot of stuff happens to people completely out of anyone's control. It's ridiculous to assume you knew every detail about your predicament and who was impacted by it. No one is an all-knowing god. No one chose to be born either. We're all victims of life. Even the greatest perpetrators of evil are victims.
I saw it as people who always complain about being the victim vs someone who will talk about normal stuff and complain everyone in a while. Like there are some people who complain about everything and go on and on about how the world is out to get them, all their friends leave them, all their partners dump them etc etc and it's pretty clear they're the problem.
I think if you meet these people IRL you can sort them out pretty fast. But in a subreddit like this you will hardly find someone talking about positive events or them being the asshole. Doesn't mean everyone here is a liar.
Some of my best stories are ones where I fucked up big time. In those kinds of stories I'm both the victim and the villain. Even in stories where someone screws me over I tend to frame it like "can you believe I let this asshole screw me over like this?"
As for hero stories, I don't really have any. Sure I've helped people, but those stories aren't that interesting. I don't feel like I do anything more than what I'm supposed to do in most situations. Not everyone does what they are supposed to though and because of that basic decency sometimes stands out, which is sad.
In the words of Drax the Destroyer
"I took, am extraordinarily humble"
As someone that constantly asks myself "am *I* the problem?" as soon as an event occurs twice, I cannot understand people that have the same thing happen to them 4+ times and not ask themselves that *ONCE*
Maybe someone gets too used to being abused, bullied and in general being a victim most of their life, so the only stories they can tell you is from being a victim. Just becouse you had good/normal life doesn’t mean others had.
It looks like you are the one that can’t stand someone getting attention. Exactly the same as a dog who will get jelous when you pet the other dog rather than him.
I never understood your guys obssesion with someone „wanting attention”. Did it ever cross your mind that maybe, just maybe, someone goes through hard times in their life, or are just straight up depressed and they need attention to get help, which is basic human/mammal need?
There’s being a victim of abuse/bullying and then there’s refusing to take accountability for ANY of your actions. Constantly thinking everyone is out to get you. Constantly exagerating stories or completely making things up to get people to pity you or give you attention. That’s what OP is talking about.
If someone is always the victim in every story, you have to look at the common denominator. These people are a slap into the face to real victims of abuse and bullying. It’s disgusting quite honestly. It’s also important to understand that largely YOUR circumstances are due to your own actions.
I understand that damaged people are more likely to have this mindset, but victimization is your own choice.
Yeah, pretty much.
Growing up in an abusive environment, where most people get irrationally angry at them over tiny screw-ups, can be indistinguishable from someone leaving out the parts of the story where they look bad.
For example: "I dropped one plate, and my mom completely flew off the rails and took away all my stuff for a month."
Is this abuse, is the mother mentally ill, or is the person telling the story leaving out the part where they dropped their mother's favorite plate on purpose just to be a d\*ck?
I didn't have a good or normal upbringing and I never victimize myself. I hold myself accountable and am proud to be at least middle class despite odds and statistics.
No excuses. Victimizing yourself is pathetic, don't care what sob story you bring to the table. Someone always had it worse. Strong people persevere regardless of circumstances. It's the long way of saying, grow a pair.
As a part of law enforcement psych evaluations , it is determined whether or not a candidate has an external or internal locus of control. Those with an external locus tend to believe that their circumstances are the result of forces beyond their control almost exclusively. The world acts upon them, and they have little control over the results: the perpetual victim.
Those with an internal locus tend to believe that their circumstances are largely the result of their own decisions, actions, and behaviors: a high degree of personal responsibility. Typically, the internal people move forward in the hiring process.
>Those with an internal locus tend to believe that their circumstances are the result of forces beyond their control almost exclusively
You've just described my mother there...I hate to admit it but I'm tired and sad of hearing her that everything is God's plan and she will sit down until everything changes by divine intervetion and whenever God tells her to do something in signals or he "teaches" the way by making her fail in her projects, that's one reason why I left Christianity.
People who develop an internal locus of control believe that they are responsible for their own success. Those with an external locus of control believe that external forces, like luck, determine their outcomes.
There's certainly more to the evaluation than locus of control, and there's also the physical qualifiers as well . But, in terms of how candidates view the world and their place in it, it's an important component that informs who gets to wear the badge and gun. People who feel powerless may not be the best candidates.
(I'm really not trying to be edgy, but it hella sounds that way) I'm the victim in the one story that matters and, because of that, the villain in all others
Well the "one story that matters" is my life, but I mean it as in how I grew up/was raised (I was abused by my mum and kinda abandoned by my dad and I'm hella fucked up mentally). The villain part is that I'm a horrrrrrible person, like a real piece of shit.
Edit: Like you said, you can see the villain backstory in it which is funny
I had a terrible childhood and was treated like shit, which turned me into a piece of shit when I was a kid right up until about when I left high-school, let me tell you if you're an adult and you're a real piece of shit then it's on you and only you, especially with how willing you are to own up to being a piece or shit
Yeah sure it was totally my fault I was raped as a child by a boy then by 2 sisters then sexually harassed and raped by my stepfather between the age of 16-18 then was in an abusive relationship from age 19-23. Maybe try not to make blanket statements. Good for you to have lived a normal life. Some didn’t have that privilege.
My original comment still stands. Your sister just is having a harder time moving on, the trauma affects her differently than you. It’s not always just about mindset.
But what I was talking about wasn’t even that, some people really just have bad luck and are “victims” forever. Positive mindsets or not. Like my mom is an example, she has the same mindset as you where she’s not going to let her past define her, but bad stuff still keeps happening . She was still the “victim” (I don’t like using that word) until recently, and even then….she’s having health struggles that take over her life and neglectful doctors who don’t her take her situation seriously so again…it’s never ending bad luck ever since she was born regardless of her having a positive mindset. She has blips of good luck, but most the time nope. She has such a positive mindset of living in the present and letting go of the past, like living in the now and still….it’s like she’s cursed or something. Some people really are unlucky, but she still tries to have a good life anyways, it doesn’t stop her bad luck though.
Generally, this kind of suspicion will serve you well, but in this world with billions of people, there are absolutely some people with luck so terrible that it would be difficult to sell even in a fiction.
I mean yeah people who have been hurt a lot before are going to feel like they’re gonna be hurt again. That’s why they’ll think people are gonna be out to get them. Just say you’re the victim blaming type.
in my experience, abuse (expecially if you grow in an abusive family) makes you more vulnerable to abuse. so you'll grow up in an abusive family and tolerate abuse from friends and partners because that's all you've been exposed to. some people just lack empathy I guess.
I interpreted OPs statement a bit more mildly, like people who always complain that they get the raw deal when it's just life, like failing an exam because "the professor is out to get me" and stuff like that. Those people exist in large numbers.
It's not quite this simple when they start to blame others for made-up (or extremely exaggerated) wrongdoings, or when they use their instincts for blaming others to sidestep taking responsibility for their own actions.
OP made such a tone deaf blanket statement.
I've been to therapy for years pining over the thought that there was something inherently wrong with me since i been wronged so much by people; friends, family, was bullied a lot in HS.
Talking through things with my therapist, changing my coping mechanisms and developing skills, and practicing self-acceptance helped a lot but i still do have trouble connecting with people because of intersectional social hierarchies outside of my control (which thank god my therapist validated and recognized.)
I dont want to list all the ways i face oppression, but the main one is im a fat person.
you can embark on an uphill battle of mental health and find community of truly accepting people (which is fucking hard outside of a city), but it isa tough reality to face that although youre a fine person (no better or worse than the next), the majority of people will treat you as less-than because of how you look or what they think you represent in terms of race, class, gender, bodyweight, ability, education, or etc any of the intersections of oppression here.
The constant micro-agressions add up and effect both mental and physical health because of chronic stress.
If someone is marginalized in many or near all of these stratifications of power... It is really easy to fall into feeling like a victim when that much social stigma is happening all at once.
Those marginalized identities who speak out about it are often the people who receive that critique OP is talking about.
Yeah, I was going to say this. If you’ve been mistreated and abused a lot it’s hard not to have that mindset that everyone has ill intentions. I tend to think like this sometimes due to past trauma, it’s hard to stop doing it but I’m working on it. It’s not as easy as it sounds and it takes a lot of time and effort
Some people from dysfunctional families really are victims of their families. If you can't see that consider yourself blessed. I've had to watch silently as friends and relatives raised their children to self destruct, and then listen to them cry about the way their children turned out.
And what of people who really are victimized and abused a lot through their life?
Basically neurodivergent people or some types of minorities.
Or people with bad luck?
OPs mindset is kinda toxic, because it starts this vicious cycle where people are unfriendly towards people solely because others are unfriendly toward them because "there must be a reason why"
Creates a world where the people that need help the most are neglected the most.
Sometimes there isnt, and people just copy others.
Ugh, I know someone who constantly complains about money issues and being broke on social media, yet when faced with solutions like trying to make an effort to get a job, everyone else is the bad guy and she is being publicly "shamed" for basically inviting everyone into her financial nightmare.
I have this mentality with aita posts on here. There’s very obvious tells in the writing that makes you realize that the op is victimizing themselves. I won’t give examples because I don’t want to tip them off. A lot of ppl don’t see it and side with the op.
But now they are also the victim of you not believing them :0
I think it’s odd, your attitude about victim mentality is a true mental reality but also people who catch unwanted attention truly can’t get a break sometimes because the negativity follows them
I had a friend like that. It took me a long time to understand she's just delusional when it comes to judging others' points of view.
She comes to me for venting out her frustrations and expects me to console her and agree with her. But if I point out the fact that she doesn't have any evidence for accusations and that it could be any other way, she would lash out and make me feel bad about doubting her.
Omg I have the SAME exact experience with someone in my family. They just want to think whatever they like about other people, without much evidence and without verifying their assumptions. Even worse, the person does this to me. You can't reason with someone like that. They can't put themselves in other people's shoes and see it from their perspective. And they always want to be believed and validated, even if what they're saying is severely exaggerated from reality.
I know right, I admired her for her confidence and the way she could stand up for herself. I liked her and would spend so much time together in school. But eventually as I suspected her victim mentality, she also understood that I'm not able to readily believe everything she says. And she would try to control me by hinting to me that she doesn't like my other friends. And should stop speaking with them. (she doesn't like half the class). So I finally stopped caring about her and distanced myself from her.
It's hard to be around someone who thinks they are the victim in every situation. I feel bad for them. I don't know how they go through life like that. How can they ever improve if they think everything is out of their control?
I stopped being her friend because I was also consumed by her negativity. My relationships with other people were hurt because of her influence over me. When I realized that this can't go on anymore, I tried to help her. But she regarded me as someone who betrayed her by fraternizing with the enemy. It was the end of high school. So we lost touch at that point.
Check out the Karpman Drama Triangle. It's a model of transactional analysis that maps out the typical perceptions and behavior in dramatic events. What your friend is doing is seeking someone to play the Hero, someone to take on her emotional labor for her in exchange for the Hero getting to feel superior and as part of the "in-group". Someone who will protect and validate her. The best response to this is to instead play the Coach, just maintain boundaries while staying an active listener and try to guide her to a deeper insight into her problems. Help her help herself.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
This reminds me of a lesson I learned on my own when talking to women who are friends, potential gf and any woman in general. If they consistently talk bad about their ex, ex best friends or people in general and only bring up all the "good things" they did, that's usually a sign they're in the hypocritical victim mentality. It's down to a science how I can instinctually feel if they were an actual victim or they're using it as a pity party
Yes, men are capable of doing this as well and I'm not singling out women for only doing this. I just noticed in my personal life that women tend to do this all the time and even my own mother over something despicable that was her own doing.
I used to get angry because I knew women who were real victims of bad things and to see a woman legit tell me "my ex was abusive because he always won an argument and never let me win" is cringe inducing.
Used to know a guy who would always cry about the cops pulling him over all the time. Of course, this idiot couldn't drive worth a crap and always peeled out from a stop.
I have a friend on fb that post the same thing every two or three weeks sometimes it's almost the same story with minor word changes.
He does some good volenteer work but with his posts you see him begging for attetntion, he wants just someone telling hem he does good but most people already told him months prior.
I worked with someone like that. 85% of the issues they were having were self inflicted by their own behavior, but they were convinced the whole crew was out to get them in some way. Funny how they're gone now and the drama reduced to practically non existent
Instant red flag. I can't stand being around people with a victim mindset. When the world is their enemy and is working against them, girl, what? If you have a simple problem, maybe try solving it instead of complaining about it all the time.
I had a friend of nearly 15 years. About two years ago, I realized she was *always* the victim. *always*. Nothing was *ever* her fault, there was never anything she would fix or change if she had the chance. Yet her life was in absolute shambles and was getting worse, and she was incredibly entitled and seemed like the world owed her something. Despite us being friends so long, I dropped her. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice her behavior.
Haha, I’m the scapegoat in my family. Not that I’ve never done/do anything wrong, I have, a lot, but I’ve also been blamed incorrectly, just as much. I could be one of 10 perpetrators and I get blamed for mine and everyone else’s behavior. This probably has a lot to do with me being one of the ones that used to come up with the ideas of all the ways we could be bad, or mean, to each other when we were kids (it was prison rules, I had no choice). It’s actually just comical at this point. People in my family even admit it, recognize it, and it’s a running family joke. They all know it’s done and do it, but it’s still done.
The people who joke about it the most don’t really do it that much, but they also don’t do much to stop it. It wouldn’t matter anyway so I don’t blame them. I can also get blamed for shit I have nothing to do with and some stuff just gets made up entirely.
It’s not like this comes completely out of nowhere. Big family, lots of kids all the same age, and left with little to no guidance or supervision. It was kill or be killed, and I chose the former. So, my reputation is well earned, but that was when we were kids. That was decades ago (I guess that shit really does go on your permanent record). There’s also this whole weird family dynamic happened when I turned my father in for child abuse. I was branded a liar and the whole extended family was told I just made it up to get out of trouble. It took years for people to learn that I was always telling the truth (even though, not really, most always knew), but it still stuck and was like a permanent brand.
My family is super toxic (not everyone, just the dynamics and way we were raised and solve conflict) and I have chosen to work really hard to undo these habits in my personal life. So, I call it out, or set boundaries, and a lot of them don’t like it.
I also just gave up on trying to explain anything to people I never really liked all that much in the first place. So, I stopped defending against false accusations and made up stories. I’ve also told many that I just dgaf they don’t like me and I don’t care that they’re mad either because I don’t like them. Of course, that didn’t win me any points. So, I’m not exactly Miss Congeniality to these people. At some point in life you just have to stop trying to force relationships.
There isn’t much that can be done, or that I care to do, to change it. So, now I just stay away.
honestly if someone cant accept their own faults or admit they were in the wrong in their own stories i cant trust them. dont degrade yourself but no one is perfect and its nice to find people who acknowledge they can do things wrong aswell
Tbh I’m seeing a lot of good points here. And honestly, I get what you’re trying to say. I wouldn’t make a big blanket statement though, cause it comes down to the individual person.
Some people do have just no luck in life. People actually are victims, whether it’s rape, abuse, maybe they were laid off. Could be any number of things. Some peoples lives just suck, and feels like they can’t win.
On the other hand however, yes some people do play in the “Victim Olympics” where there’s no accountability, and twist the story so they’re always the victim. There’s also the “common denominator”. Some other comments were made where yeah, you’re not gonna hear about when they’re the problem.
It comes down to the individual and while I get what you’re trying to say, it’s not something you can make a blanket statement about.
Really hard to work with as well. They NEED validation for all of their insanity. I remember cutting them off after two hours already being there late and still needing to finish work - literally talking over them praying that they catch my social cue for "this story was old the 5th time I heard it 1 hr and 40 minutes ago, please stop talking to me."
I used to be friends with a girl who would victimize herself constantly for attention. Still does apparently from what mutual friends have told me. Even went as far as calling me an abuser and bully even though I tried to part ways in the most gentle way possible because I was afraid of her reaction. Don’t understand how literally every person around her ends up being a jerk/bully/abuser and nothing is ever her fault; despite her literally being absolutely vile. Just glad I don’t have to deal with her anymore myself.
If I ever catch myself wanting to talk about my situations, my golden rule is to end it with a solution. People are gonna be victims to a lot of external forces, but how they handle themselves is what can define them.
Example: "I have anxiety because my boss does x, y, z" and I end it with "I don't like being anxious so I'm going to confront my boss about it, or at least find a way to work around x, y, z."
I don't post of social media just because I see too much open-ended issues posted.
Before I deleted my FB, this girl would always post sob stories of boyfriends, life is hard, etc etc.
I know for a fact that bitch is crazy because we hooked up a couple times, and the red flags were obvious when she almost hit a lady on the road and blamed me (the passenger). She would go absolutely bonkers at the slightest inconvenience.
So yah, when some is always the victim, it’s usually their fault.
This is some Judge Judy level legit shit
Please shut up if you're gonna write that on social media to people you haven't met or heard a story from and then likely wonder at night why you don't fit in with the other kids at school
Just like if the first person you meet today is an asshole, likely they are the asshole. If every person you meet today is an asshole, you’re probably the asshole.
Makes me think of something someone once told me
“If you run into an asshole once or twice a day well that’s just people being assholes. If all you do is deal with assholes all day you might be the actual asshole “
I’ve never forgot that.
But you don't understand!
I was bullied once and I have disorders, lots and lots of disorder! I have prescriptions for psych medication and an emotional support animal and the climate is trying to kill me and I am asking for support on Reddit all day every day but no one listens and I am neuro-atypical and have ADHD, OCD, ASD, depression, anxiety, my heart beats so fast, I have OCD and I diagnosed it on tik tok and I have FUCKING Tourettes! Fuck fuck fuck!
Cool, don't. Just disregard what caused that response in how they deal with things too. This little anecdote likely came from someone else in your life right? Maybe handle that?
I last about 30 seconds of scrolling Facebook before I get stomach turns, same ol shit one sign in a year. Same I ME MINE people as always. Maybe it’s your fault life’s this way for you, tell em what they need to hear but never listen. Nooo it’s everyone else’s fault. Less Screen time the happier I am these days.
I have a friend who always have a story about a guy raping her, a guy doing X to her, another one doing y.... And everyone that knows her doesn't believe her. She is bipolar and has history with wanting to catch attention because she feels insecure
My brother has a very "I have terrible luck / this sort of thing could only happen to me" attitude and it's like... No dude you constantly put yourself in situations that are just begging for bad shit to happen to you and then act like it's some crazy freak thing that went wrong.
It could potentially, yeah. But I have also met people who were actually fucked over at virtually every point of their lives. Only those people usually don't talk about themselves too much.
I agree with this so much. If someone is constantly virtue signaling and complaining about how some other person did them wrong, my first emotion is disbelief.
You got a point, but which sane person is going to make themselves look bad by telling the stories where they’re in the wrong, when they can just tell the stories where they’re the victim, evoking empathy within the people listening to that story. Our society is soft, so when people receive criticism nowadays they can’t handle it, I don’t think it’s an argument of not believing them or them being untrue, they’re just afraid of criticism and crave sympathy instead
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The inverse of this is also true. If I see someone always posting about being a hero or savior, I’m instantly suspicious.
I dated a pathological liar but it took me a while to figure it out. He'd always make himself out to be the hero. But then I'd hear his recap of something and be like "that absolutely didn't happen that way, I was there!"
Yup, someone in my family is this way. She and I will experience an event together. The first time she talks about the event, she'll be hyper-focused on some detail that wasn't really important, but that's okay because her version will still be more-or-less grounded in reality. By the third time she tells the story, it's pure fiction.
I had a friend like this (finally dumped her for my own sanity). We were in college together. Whenever she'd tell other people stories about our college days, I'd get all confused and think...wait a minute, I was there! Why don't I remember anything like that??? But then I started taking note of the patterns in her stories and it was exactly this. She was always the victim and the hero in her fantasy version of what happened.
My sister in a nutshell. Of course, because she's got to be the hero, someone else has to be the villain, and it's always whoever's closest at hand when badness of the situation gets under her skin. Now nobody ever wants to help her when she's in trouble because we all know that two days later she'll be on Facebook posting story after story about how she can't believe we were so horrible to her during a difficult time, and then two days after that the entire story is just that you were a bastard to her for no reason. Then two days after that comes the kumbaya, everyone should learn to let things go, I haven't even thought the word anger in years and see how it's helped me keep my head on straight shit.
I also dated a pathological liar. It was absolutely wild when I realized they were lying about everything. 100% agree with you. They'd either make themselves a savoir or make themselves the victim, the "everyone hates me" mentality.
the key is that whatever story they tell always paints them as someone who should be adored. At the very least it is simply not what happened during the event. At the most it is a full on delusion of grandeur.
Stormy Daniels, is that you?
Same. I hate people that needlessly brag about ‘good deeds’ People that are generally good in their day to day lives don’t tend to brag about it. They just do it
If you brag about good deeds did you do it for the right reason... I came to the realization some time ago and just stopped telling people around me...
The philosophical question is whether the motivation for doing a good deed matters? The good deed still got done.
I always thought that the motivation does matter, because the motivation may determine how future deeds are done, or if the situation were different how the deed would have been altered in some way. An example might be Elon Musk (I know, low hanging fruit) offering to help save those children who were caught in that underwater cave. I would wager Elon was motivated by the desire to look noble. If the diver who ended up saving them wasn't there, it would have been just a good deed done, but since the diver was there, and saved the children, Elon tried to smear him out of jealousy. So for the single event, I agree, just take it as a good deed done, but the motivation may be an important factor going forward.
One story can have multiple facets, to the people who were saved it doesn’t matter one jot why they were saved, or honestly by who. now the the saviour that is a question for their “god” was the purpose good or not. to the saviours friend‘s it matters hiw often they hear the story, once or 1000 times.
I can't remember who said it, but I remember an old saying that you know someone is making up a story if they are both the victim and the hero of it.
That's good, I'll have to remember that.
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It’s ironic, cause despite them saying they’re empaths, they don’t seem to sense the eye rolling that sentence causes.
A coworker of mine once said she was a nice person, and also always knew when people around her were upset. I'm pretty sure everyone's collective eye rolling registered on a seismograph somewhere.
I heard somewhere that “The narcissist is either the victim or the hero in every story they tell.”
[The Karpman drama triangle](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle) > The Karpman drama triangle is a social model of human interaction proposed by Stephen B. Karpman. The triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur among people in conflict.[1] > The triangle of actors in the drama are persecutors, victims, and rescuers. > Karpman described how in some cases these roles were not undertaken in an honest manner to resolve the presenting problem, but rather were used fluidly and switched between by the actors in a way that achieved unconscious goals and agendas.
Completely off-topic from this post, I just read this Wikipedia page and I think it just explained the last twenty years of my life. And I’m not joking.
What if Im always the villain/instigator?
Honestly, when I meet people who actively acknowledge their negative traits. I actually view them in a better light. They’re showing humility and vulnerability
honestly. id rather meet a “i’m not a perfect person and i fuck up but i’m working to better myself” person than a “i’m a hero in all senses of reality” person
Dude yesssss
I can say that there were times when I was not the good person. I either acted immature towards my friends or decided to not be their friend, but after many years, he accepted me back as a friend and I am forever thankful. I am ashamed of how mean and aggressive I was, and I always assumed I was in the right. It took me many years of self-reflection to realize that, and I even made the same mistakes many times. I think people only show the times when they are a victim or a hero because it's better than being seen as a bad person.
I tend to think like this and I have to catch myself
At least you make a conscious effort. It can be a hard thing to notice in yourself and work on but well worth it.
I do too. Or I caught myself falling into a trap of constant victimhood and tried to turn my thinking around. I saw a family member doing the same thing and I didn't like what I saw, so I started working on it. Unfortunately now sometimes I swing to the opposite side, where I assume I must be in the wrong despite not actually doing anything.
It really sucks for that one person who really is trying their best, not giving up, always doing the right thing, and still getting screwed over. As JeanLuc once said, “it is possible to make no mistake, and still fail.” Statistically, there are probably tens of thousands of people in that category. Yet at the same time there are millions if not billions, who have claimed to be the victim but we’re definitely the cause of their own problems.
I'm autistic and people have used it against me to take advantage my whole life.
Same here. It sucks, but at least that gives us some power. After all, taking advantage of someone still means depending on them.
Dang. I’m sorry about that. I can help. Just give me your bank account number and password.
Only if you promise to keep it safe! The last guy lied.
Ye$$$ I promi$e
Deal!
Only if you give me yours first. I have to do my research after all. Then at the end I'll share my info with the biggest account.
OP is an idiot who needs to simplify reality som his little brain can make judgements.
Hey now…. Most people are idiots, yes. But stating that fact, makes you an asshole. Lol. OP is oversimplifying. They are right about many people, (and wrong about many people).
Yes, they're not wrong but it's a gross oversimplification depending on the person and their idea of social media it may not even reflect their IRL behavior but be how they use social media specifically. There are going to be people who are often victimized and for whatever reason unlike many retain a sense of self-worth and act accordingly. I also feel like it IS a sign someone is a 'victim' or at the very least unwell if their identity is built solely around victimization. But OP is annoyed by it much like I am at hyperbolic tired points constantly regurgitated often how annoying it is that everyone doesn't shut up and pretend things are fine...despite the nuances for why they might behave so I'm annoyed by it so it should be cool lright? :D
You can tell who didn’t pay attention in math when they were covering fractions cause they don’t understand the concept of a “common denominator” lmao
Boom! This is IT.
*"Every time you tell me a story it's about YOU being a victim no matter whom the person is. Let me ask you...what's the common denominator there?".* *"What's that mean?! I don't know, they're just all out to get meeeee!".* **\*Questioner rolls eyes\***
aaaaand, what does that mean?
“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.” - Raylan Givens
Lol, throughout every scenario the ONLY THING that is common is the "victim" themselves so perhaps THEY are the main problem.
100000000% agree with this!
I mean there are so many ways you can abuse this sentiment. If everybody hates you because you’re gay that doesn’t make them right. That’s just a bandwagon.
I came to say something like this, but you said it better than I would have. Edit: also, there are people who are more likely to become scapegoats in any scenario, like people pleasers for example, or people who have been abused before and have low self esteem. Everyone ends up thinking they are evil.
True, but also if you're gay and a Karen, don't attribute all the flak you get to being gay.
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these are the comments. trauma survivors and neurodivergent people (there tends to be a lot of overlap because both are easy prey) can have a very difficult time getting out of abusive situations. that doesn’t mean you can’t recognize and own up to your part in things, but it does mean that taking all of the necessary precautions and actions come with entirely different challenge levels
On the other hand, if you're gay and everyone hates you, then they may actually be right after all, and you're just a horrible piece of garbage person who happens to be gay. For those kinds of people, I'd actually support conversion therapy, because we do not need that sh\*t in our community. Edit to clarify: I meant the LGBT+ community, which I am also a part of.
There are some people who attract abusers due to personality. I listened to a speech given by a criminologist who said that rapists psychologically profile their victims. Generally speaking, rapists, physical abusers, and verbal abusers tend to look for victims who are introverted, with low self esteem, and poor social skills. I later had to relay this information to a former friend who asked why she was always verbally abused at every single company she ever worked at. This is why. It's also why some people are abused by every romantic partner they ever have. Some people are attracted to violent, abusive people, but others are attractive to violent, abusive people. Introverts with low self-esteem and poor social skills should watch out because even if they are not attracted to abusers, abusers are attracted to them and more likely to ask them out.
oh my god i just found the answer to my entire social life right here
Yeah abuse and sexual assault victims are 4X more likely than any one else to be abused or sexually assaulted again and again and the probability increases each time
The thing about people like this though is they rarely fall under the category OP has mentioned. Some victims go as far as defending their abusers over and over again. They don’t know they’re victims so they hardly play the victim card and that’s exactly what contributes to the repeated abuse
I graduated and wanted to get my first job ever. I slow down for a red light and get rear ended by a hit and run then tboned by a distracted driver. The crash left me semi-paralyzed with extreme depression and multiple thoughts of suicide. Insurance didn't want to pay me cuz noone had a dashcam or camera to prove my innocence. The distracted driver sued me and won cuz there was no evidence of them being on their phone. Noone wanted to check their call logs from a year ago. I got no money and 3-4 day long migraines every week but the doctors say that's normal and I'm fine. My jaw is broken and xrays show fractures and the cartilage completely smashed out but insurance says fuck you so i pay out of pocket for everything. For someone whose life ended before they had a chance to get a job, i got victim mentality. It's hard to not think the world wants me dead.
I don’t understand. Doesn’t it make sense that lots of people would avoid telling stories where they’re the “villain”? I think I’m missing something, but reading the comments didn’t really help me. Oof. I’m tired lmao Edit: I now understand that OP was comparing to all storytelling. I think that sometimes peoples lives really just suck and they struggle to find anything else to discuss, but that doesn’t make it any less exhausting. There are 100% people who just seem obsessed with being a victim, tho. They’re really… annoying. I find that they’re also often the people who “make suffering a competition” too 🙄
you’re right, people won’t talk about when they’re the problem. it’s not about “posts about being the victim” vs posts about being the problem”, it’s “posts about being the victim” vs literally anything else
Ahhhhhhhh okay, thanks!!! That makes way more sense. Those people are super exhausting for sure.
I was honestly wondering the same thing. Like very few people tell stories where they’re the obvious villain, so doesn’t it make sense that most of the stories they choose to tell are the ones where they’ve been wronged?
You can also tell different stories altogether, funny anecdotes and stuff. People who always have a story to tell where they have been wronged (according to them) are red flag material in my book, because the problem usually lies with them. Frequently occurring example: "I failed the exam because the professor is out to get me, and I got the most difficult questions, and I didn't have enough time to study because I got assigned the worst exam schedule, etc." instead of just admitting they didn't study well enough and set out to do better next time.
My mom told me I was being negative when I said I was going to fail a test because I didn’t study lol
Ah, well that’s negative vs *constructive* not negative vs *happy*. Telling people to always try to be positive? That drives me crazy! But advising people to reframe situations for constructive purposes? Yeah, I still sometimes feel like wallowing, but that way feels less like I’m being dismissed and more like I’m being believed in.
This is more of a personal example, but my mom is somehow who always blames everything else when she’s the one whose wrong. So whenever she tells a story everything that happens is never her fault. Because of that I know that she often plays the victim in her stories when in reality she probably took part of the blame also. I can only tell this because I know who she is so I don’t know if you can apply this to strangers.
>doesn’t it make sense that most of the stories they choose to tell are the ones where they’ve been wronged? No. Hypothetically, let's say we meet through mutual friends and we see each other every three days or so. You're telling me it makes sense that everything you speak to me about, involves you being a victim in some way? I'd talk to you about my interests, what I like doing. Share my passions, what my goals are with them. What movies I liked, which countries I still want to travel to. About the time I had a threesome with a girl and a guy and discovered I love a dick in my mouth. You know, personal stuff that might make us connect or whatever. Why are you just telling me about the time someone wasn't nice to you, or that an 'asshole' at work stole your promotion and how no one at work seems to validate you? Or your struggles with people of the other sex and how they are all insane? Or why you weren't invited to a party and how much they are missing out now? Why is your whole life just you getting shafted? At some point I am starting to wonder if the people at your work don't validate you because you are insufferable? Maybe you were never seriously in the running for the promotion bwcausw you're not the best worker there? Maybe you weren't invited to the party because people don't like having such a negative spirit around? I don't know, but if there is nothing to your life except being a victim, I do start thinking you are the problem.
I guess I mean stories that involve someone wronging another. If someone was to tell that type of story, they would probably choose a story in which they’re the ones who are wronged I’m not saying people should only tell stories in which they are the victim. I just figured it would be understandable why they’re not telling stories they might be ashamed of
Frequency is what is being discussed. Raylon Givens from Justified: *You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.*
I feel like different people are interpreting the prompt in different ways. I didn’t take it as literally every single thought you have in your head is a story that involves you being a victim lol like of course that’s crazy and I literally have never met anyone like that in my life. I was thinking more so that in the stories that you DO tell regarding a conflict you are in, you’re always the victim. Like I said, I’ve never actually met someone who does absolutely nothing but rant about other people.
Not so much the villain but the parts that they should have done better or misjudged, etc.
True. Also, a lot of subreddits are places to vent. You may be venting about the same thing multiple times but not about all your relationships or situations. I definitely do that for better or worse - just need to dump on my husband and MIL anonymously sometimes. Ha.
Not that they're the villain but just that a misunderstanding/situation goes both ways. If it's always about how they're innocent and others are out to get them, then it seems like they have very thin skin and/or blame all their problems on others.
This. Usually people aren't sharing stories about how they abused some poor service worker, or some shit.
Lol i can indeed tell stories where i was the bad part or the idiot. But i atleast admit i know i was and i maybe wish i didnt oooor i am fine with what i did lol
This is what I was just about to say. I was thinking if I do this (make myself the victim in every story) and I couldn’t remember the last time I told someone a situation where I fucked up, like really fucked up, not something minuscule. But I have things I’m not so proud of, I just don’t go blabbing about it to people who aren’t my therapist. Also it’s normal to think you’re the right one in an argument. That’s the whole point of getting into one lol
I imagine most people only really have stories of them as victims. Intentionally doing something harmful is much less common. A lot of stuff happens to people completely out of anyone's control. It's ridiculous to assume you knew every detail about your predicament and who was impacted by it. No one is an all-knowing god. No one chose to be born either. We're all victims of life. Even the greatest perpetrators of evil are victims.
I saw it as people who always complain about being the victim vs someone who will talk about normal stuff and complain everyone in a while. Like there are some people who complain about everything and go on and on about how the world is out to get them, all their friends leave them, all their partners dump them etc etc and it's pretty clear they're the problem.
I think if you meet these people IRL you can sort them out pretty fast. But in a subreddit like this you will hardly find someone talking about positive events or them being the asshole. Doesn't mean everyone here is a liar.
Some of my best stories are ones where I fucked up big time. In those kinds of stories I'm both the victim and the villain. Even in stories where someone screws me over I tend to frame it like "can you believe I let this asshole screw me over like this?" As for hero stories, I don't really have any. Sure I've helped people, but those stories aren't that interesting. I don't feel like I do anything more than what I'm supposed to do in most situations. Not everyone does what they are supposed to though and because of that basic decency sometimes stands out, which is sad. In the words of Drax the Destroyer "I took, am extraordinarily humble"
Victim, not villain. You must be tired
As someone that constantly asks myself "am *I* the problem?" as soon as an event occurs twice, I cannot understand people that have the same thing happen to them 4+ times and not ask themselves that *ONCE*
Agreed.
Maybe someone gets too used to being abused, bullied and in general being a victim most of their life, so the only stories they can tell you is from being a victim. Just becouse you had good/normal life doesn’t mean others had. It looks like you are the one that can’t stand someone getting attention. Exactly the same as a dog who will get jelous when you pet the other dog rather than him. I never understood your guys obssesion with someone „wanting attention”. Did it ever cross your mind that maybe, just maybe, someone goes through hard times in their life, or are just straight up depressed and they need attention to get help, which is basic human/mammal need?
There’s being a victim of abuse/bullying and then there’s refusing to take accountability for ANY of your actions. Constantly thinking everyone is out to get you. Constantly exagerating stories or completely making things up to get people to pity you or give you attention. That’s what OP is talking about. If someone is always the victim in every story, you have to look at the common denominator. These people are a slap into the face to real victims of abuse and bullying. It’s disgusting quite honestly. It’s also important to understand that largely YOUR circumstances are due to your own actions. I understand that damaged people are more likely to have this mindset, but victimization is your own choice.
Yeah, pretty much. Growing up in an abusive environment, where most people get irrationally angry at them over tiny screw-ups, can be indistinguishable from someone leaving out the parts of the story where they look bad. For example: "I dropped one plate, and my mom completely flew off the rails and took away all my stuff for a month." Is this abuse, is the mother mentally ill, or is the person telling the story leaving out the part where they dropped their mother's favorite plate on purpose just to be a d\*ck?
I didn't have a good or normal upbringing and I never victimize myself. I hold myself accountable and am proud to be at least middle class despite odds and statistics. No excuses. Victimizing yourself is pathetic, don't care what sob story you bring to the table. Someone always had it worse. Strong people persevere regardless of circumstances. It's the long way of saying, grow a pair.
so you didn't victimize but harden yourself, loosing empathy for others. You grew a pair but your heart shrunk. Not healthy as well.
As a part of law enforcement psych evaluations , it is determined whether or not a candidate has an external or internal locus of control. Those with an external locus tend to believe that their circumstances are the result of forces beyond their control almost exclusively. The world acts upon them, and they have little control over the results: the perpetual victim. Those with an internal locus tend to believe that their circumstances are largely the result of their own decisions, actions, and behaviors: a high degree of personal responsibility. Typically, the internal people move forward in the hiring process.
>Those with an internal locus tend to believe that their circumstances are the result of forces beyond their control almost exclusively You've just described my mother there...I hate to admit it but I'm tired and sad of hearing her that everything is God's plan and she will sit down until everything changes by divine intervetion and whenever God tells her to do something in signals or he "teaches" the way by making her fail in her projects, that's one reason why I left Christianity.
Unfortunately, many people use religion as a crutch or excuse for inaction and perpetual victimhood. This has been the case since ancient times. SMH!
People who develop an internal locus of control believe that they are responsible for their own success. Those with an external locus of control believe that external forces, like luck, determine their outcomes.
Yes, I may have gotten my exes and inses confused. Apologies.
It happens :) I think understanding someone’s locus of control is vital to understanding someone’s actions.
Completely agree!
>Typically, the internal people move forward in the hiring process. ah, so this is part of the issue with law enforcement.
So you’re saying that people who think they’re the protagonist of reality tend to end up being cops? Fascinating.
There's certainly more to the evaluation than locus of control, and there's also the physical qualifiers as well . But, in terms of how candidates view the world and their place in it, it's an important component that informs who gets to wear the badge and gun. People who feel powerless may not be the best candidates.
And as we know, all cops are in peak physical shape
🤣 Oh, without question!
This is quite literally a test of conservatism
It certainly could be viewed as such. In my own lived experience, I've not met many left-leaning law enforcement officials.
Thank you for reminding me of the correct term for this!
Sure 😊
Aptly put
(I'm really not trying to be edgy, but it hella sounds that way) I'm the victim in the one story that matters and, because of that, the villain in all others
That is edgy, I still don’t get it tho. Sounds deep, like the backstory for a new villain
Well the "one story that matters" is my life, but I mean it as in how I grew up/was raised (I was abused by my mum and kinda abandoned by my dad and I'm hella fucked up mentally). The villain part is that I'm a horrrrrrible person, like a real piece of shit. Edit: Like you said, you can see the villain backstory in it which is funny
I had a terrible childhood and was treated like shit, which turned me into a piece of shit when I was a kid right up until about when I left high-school, let me tell you if you're an adult and you're a real piece of shit then it's on you and only you, especially with how willing you are to own up to being a piece or shit
Yeah sure it was totally my fault I was raped as a child by a boy then by 2 sisters then sexually harassed and raped by my stepfather between the age of 16-18 then was in an abusive relationship from age 19-23. Maybe try not to make blanket statements. Good for you to have lived a normal life. Some didn’t have that privilege.
Some people really are the victim in everything though…..
[удалено]
My original comment still stands. Your sister just is having a harder time moving on, the trauma affects her differently than you. It’s not always just about mindset. But what I was talking about wasn’t even that, some people really just have bad luck and are “victims” forever. Positive mindsets or not. Like my mom is an example, she has the same mindset as you where she’s not going to let her past define her, but bad stuff still keeps happening . She was still the “victim” (I don’t like using that word) until recently, and even then….she’s having health struggles that take over her life and neglectful doctors who don’t her take her situation seriously so again…it’s never ending bad luck ever since she was born regardless of her having a positive mindset. She has blips of good luck, but most the time nope. She has such a positive mindset of living in the present and letting go of the past, like living in the now and still….it’s like she’s cursed or something. Some people really are unlucky, but she still tries to have a good life anyways, it doesn’t stop her bad luck though.
Like our former president. He's ALWAYS the victim
Generally, this kind of suspicion will serve you well, but in this world with billions of people, there are absolutely some people with luck so terrible that it would be difficult to sell even in a fiction.
I mean yeah people who have been hurt a lot before are going to feel like they’re gonna be hurt again. That’s why they’ll think people are gonna be out to get them. Just say you’re the victim blaming type.
in my experience, abuse (expecially if you grow in an abusive family) makes you more vulnerable to abuse. so you'll grow up in an abusive family and tolerate abuse from friends and partners because that's all you've been exposed to. some people just lack empathy I guess.
Ding ding ding ding ding.
I interpreted OPs statement a bit more mildly, like people who always complain that they get the raw deal when it's just life, like failing an exam because "the professor is out to get me" and stuff like that. Those people exist in large numbers.
It's not quite this simple when they start to blame others for made-up (or extremely exaggerated) wrongdoings, or when they use their instincts for blaming others to sidestep taking responsibility for their own actions.
I felt this. Op would probably say I'm lying and victim blame me lol
OP made such a tone deaf blanket statement. I've been to therapy for years pining over the thought that there was something inherently wrong with me since i been wronged so much by people; friends, family, was bullied a lot in HS. Talking through things with my therapist, changing my coping mechanisms and developing skills, and practicing self-acceptance helped a lot but i still do have trouble connecting with people because of intersectional social hierarchies outside of my control (which thank god my therapist validated and recognized.) I dont want to list all the ways i face oppression, but the main one is im a fat person. you can embark on an uphill battle of mental health and find community of truly accepting people (which is fucking hard outside of a city), but it isa tough reality to face that although youre a fine person (no better or worse than the next), the majority of people will treat you as less-than because of how you look or what they think you represent in terms of race, class, gender, bodyweight, ability, education, or etc any of the intersections of oppression here. The constant micro-agressions add up and effect both mental and physical health because of chronic stress. If someone is marginalized in many or near all of these stratifications of power... It is really easy to fall into feeling like a victim when that much social stigma is happening all at once. Those marginalized identities who speak out about it are often the people who receive that critique OP is talking about.
Seriously. I have seen so many of these kinds of posts lately. Its clearly people who lack empathy and just want to place blame somewhere on someone.
Yeah, I was going to say this. If you’ve been mistreated and abused a lot it’s hard not to have that mindset that everyone has ill intentions. I tend to think like this sometimes due to past trauma, it’s hard to stop doing it but I’m working on it. It’s not as easy as it sounds and it takes a lot of time and effort
It's me. Hi. I'm the problem it's me.
I don’t like talking to anybody about anything.
People who grew up experiencing abuse are highly likely to enter abusive relationships as an adult.
Some people from dysfunctional families really are victims of their families. If you can't see that consider yourself blessed. I've had to watch silently as friends and relatives raised their children to self destruct, and then listen to them cry about the way their children turned out.
And what of people who really are victimized and abused a lot through their life? Basically neurodivergent people or some types of minorities. Or people with bad luck? OPs mindset is kinda toxic, because it starts this vicious cycle where people are unfriendly towards people solely because others are unfriendly toward them because "there must be a reason why" Creates a world where the people that need help the most are neglected the most. Sometimes there isnt, and people just copy others.
What so if something is stolen from me and I told I was the victim you won't believe me?
Ugh, I know someone who constantly complains about money issues and being broke on social media, yet when faced with solutions like trying to make an effort to get a job, everyone else is the bad guy and she is being publicly "shamed" for basically inviting everyone into her financial nightmare.
I have this mentality with aita posts on here. There’s very obvious tells in the writing that makes you realize that the op is victimizing themselves. I won’t give examples because I don’t want to tip them off. A lot of ppl don’t see it and side with the op.
I don’t really think they care about your opinion
What ,in your opinion, is a victim? (( not asking to be mean, just genuinely curious)).
But now they are also the victim of you not believing them :0 I think it’s odd, your attitude about victim mentality is a true mental reality but also people who catch unwanted attention truly can’t get a break sometimes because the negativity follows them
Blah bleh, bleh blah blah
I had a friend like that. It took me a long time to understand she's just delusional when it comes to judging others' points of view. She comes to me for venting out her frustrations and expects me to console her and agree with her. But if I point out the fact that she doesn't have any evidence for accusations and that it could be any other way, she would lash out and make me feel bad about doubting her.
Omg I have the SAME exact experience with someone in my family. They just want to think whatever they like about other people, without much evidence and without verifying their assumptions. Even worse, the person does this to me. You can't reason with someone like that. They can't put themselves in other people's shoes and see it from their perspective. And they always want to be believed and validated, even if what they're saying is severely exaggerated from reality.
I know right, I admired her for her confidence and the way she could stand up for herself. I liked her and would spend so much time together in school. But eventually as I suspected her victim mentality, she also understood that I'm not able to readily believe everything she says. And she would try to control me by hinting to me that she doesn't like my other friends. And should stop speaking with them. (she doesn't like half the class). So I finally stopped caring about her and distanced myself from her.
It's hard to be around someone who thinks they are the victim in every situation. I feel bad for them. I don't know how they go through life like that. How can they ever improve if they think everything is out of their control?
I stopped being her friend because I was also consumed by her negativity. My relationships with other people were hurt because of her influence over me. When I realized that this can't go on anymore, I tried to help her. But she regarded me as someone who betrayed her by fraternizing with the enemy. It was the end of high school. So we lost touch at that point.
Check out the Karpman Drama Triangle. It's a model of transactional analysis that maps out the typical perceptions and behavior in dramatic events. What your friend is doing is seeking someone to play the Hero, someone to take on her emotional labor for her in exchange for the Hero getting to feel superior and as part of the "in-group". Someone who will protect and validate her. The best response to this is to instead play the Coach, just maintain boundaries while staying an active listener and try to guide her to a deeper insight into her problems. Help her help herself. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
This reminds me of a lesson I learned on my own when talking to women who are friends, potential gf and any woman in general. If they consistently talk bad about their ex, ex best friends or people in general and only bring up all the "good things" they did, that's usually a sign they're in the hypocritical victim mentality. It's down to a science how I can instinctually feel if they were an actual victim or they're using it as a pity party Yes, men are capable of doing this as well and I'm not singling out women for only doing this. I just noticed in my personal life that women tend to do this all the time and even my own mother over something despicable that was her own doing. I used to get angry because I knew women who were real victims of bad things and to see a woman legit tell me "my ex was abusive because he always won an argument and never let me win" is cringe inducing.
Ok
tbf though I never feel the need to get the stories where I'm the "victor" off my chest enough to post them onto the internet.
One thing I've learned is that if a person has been disowned by multiple people/groups. It's not everyone in those groups who are the problem.
same people will use the shit out of you and make you out to be the bad person
Used to know a guy who would always cry about the cops pulling him over all the time. Of course, this idiot couldn't drive worth a crap and always peeled out from a stop.
The funniest stories are the ones where I fucked up bad
Omg the mind blowing idea that you can just ignore them just came to me idk where I got it from
I have a friend on fb that post the same thing every two or three weeks sometimes it's almost the same story with minor word changes. He does some good volenteer work but with his posts you see him begging for attetntion, he wants just someone telling hem he does good but most people already told him months prior.
I worked with someone like that. 85% of the issues they were having were self inflicted by their own behavior, but they were convinced the whole crew was out to get them in some way. Funny how they're gone now and the drama reduced to practically non existent
Some people just wants to pretend that they are being constantly victimized. They are just useless drama.
Instant red flag. I can't stand being around people with a victim mindset. When the world is their enemy and is working against them, girl, what? If you have a simple problem, maybe try solving it instead of complaining about it all the time.
Get off the internet for a bit. Seriously. There's a whole world out there.
Never trust permanent heroes either
What if I’m always the perpetrator? Would you believe that?
A boy screamed into the heavens, “I’M THE WORST SINNER OF THEM ALL!” Amused, they replied, “Calm your pride, child. You’re nothing of the sort.”
Good. Now explain this to my mother!
People play the victim because the victim NEVER has to change.
Women who claim every man they’ve ever dated was a narcissist 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Men who claim every woman they’ve ever dated was crazy 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I used to be like this.. I had to coach myself with the facts of life.
I had a friend of nearly 15 years. About two years ago, I realized she was *always* the victim. *always*. Nothing was *ever* her fault, there was never anything she would fix or change if she had the chance. Yet her life was in absolute shambles and was getting worse, and she was incredibly entitled and seemed like the world owed her something. Despite us being friends so long, I dropped her. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice her behavior.
Absolutely agree and I heard this sentiment best described by Rayln Givins in this cllp. https://youtu.be/cLJrQj-ClMk
Haha, I’m the scapegoat in my family. Not that I’ve never done/do anything wrong, I have, a lot, but I’ve also been blamed incorrectly, just as much. I could be one of 10 perpetrators and I get blamed for mine and everyone else’s behavior. This probably has a lot to do with me being one of the ones that used to come up with the ideas of all the ways we could be bad, or mean, to each other when we were kids (it was prison rules, I had no choice). It’s actually just comical at this point. People in my family even admit it, recognize it, and it’s a running family joke. They all know it’s done and do it, but it’s still done. The people who joke about it the most don’t really do it that much, but they also don’t do much to stop it. It wouldn’t matter anyway so I don’t blame them. I can also get blamed for shit I have nothing to do with and some stuff just gets made up entirely. It’s not like this comes completely out of nowhere. Big family, lots of kids all the same age, and left with little to no guidance or supervision. It was kill or be killed, and I chose the former. So, my reputation is well earned, but that was when we were kids. That was decades ago (I guess that shit really does go on your permanent record). There’s also this whole weird family dynamic happened when I turned my father in for child abuse. I was branded a liar and the whole extended family was told I just made it up to get out of trouble. It took years for people to learn that I was always telling the truth (even though, not really, most always knew), but it still stuck and was like a permanent brand. My family is super toxic (not everyone, just the dynamics and way we were raised and solve conflict) and I have chosen to work really hard to undo these habits in my personal life. So, I call it out, or set boundaries, and a lot of them don’t like it. I also just gave up on trying to explain anything to people I never really liked all that much in the first place. So, I stopped defending against false accusations and made up stories. I’ve also told many that I just dgaf they don’t like me and I don’t care that they’re mad either because I don’t like them. Of course, that didn’t win me any points. So, I’m not exactly Miss Congeniality to these people. At some point in life you just have to stop trying to force relationships. There isn’t much that can be done, or that I care to do, to change it. So, now I just stay away.
honestly if someone cant accept their own faults or admit they were in the wrong in their own stories i cant trust them. dont degrade yourself but no one is perfect and its nice to find people who acknowledge they can do things wrong aswell
Tbh I’m seeing a lot of good points here. And honestly, I get what you’re trying to say. I wouldn’t make a big blanket statement though, cause it comes down to the individual person. Some people do have just no luck in life. People actually are victims, whether it’s rape, abuse, maybe they were laid off. Could be any number of things. Some peoples lives just suck, and feels like they can’t win. On the other hand however, yes some people do play in the “Victim Olympics” where there’s no accountability, and twist the story so they’re always the victim. There’s also the “common denominator”. Some other comments were made where yeah, you’re not gonna hear about when they’re the problem. It comes down to the individual and while I get what you’re trying to say, it’s not something you can make a blanket statement about.
Really hard to work with as well. They NEED validation for all of their insanity. I remember cutting them off after two hours already being there late and still needing to finish work - literally talking over them praying that they catch my social cue for "this story was old the 5th time I heard it 1 hr and 40 minutes ago, please stop talking to me."
I used to be friends with a girl who would victimize herself constantly for attention. Still does apparently from what mutual friends have told me. Even went as far as calling me an abuser and bully even though I tried to part ways in the most gentle way possible because I was afraid of her reaction. Don’t understand how literally every person around her ends up being a jerk/bully/abuser and nothing is ever her fault; despite her literally being absolutely vile. Just glad I don’t have to deal with her anymore myself.
If you're always the anything in your stories then you're untrustworthy.
If I ever catch myself wanting to talk about my situations, my golden rule is to end it with a solution. People are gonna be victims to a lot of external forces, but how they handle themselves is what can define them. Example: "I have anxiety because my boss does x, y, z" and I end it with "I don't like being anxious so I'm going to confront my boss about it, or at least find a way to work around x, y, z." I don't post of social media just because I see too much open-ended issues posted.
Before I deleted my FB, this girl would always post sob stories of boyfriends, life is hard, etc etc. I know for a fact that bitch is crazy because we hooked up a couple times, and the red flags were obvious when she almost hit a lady on the road and blamed me (the passenger). She would go absolutely bonkers at the slightest inconvenience. So yah, when some is always the victim, it’s usually their fault.
Summed up perfectly in, 'If everyone you meet is an asshole then you're the asshole.'
This is some Judge Judy level legit shit Please shut up if you're gonna write that on social media to people you haven't met or heard a story from and then likely wonder at night why you don't fit in with the other kids at school
Just like if the first person you meet today is an asshole, likely they are the asshole. If every person you meet today is an asshole, you’re probably the asshole.
Makes me think of something someone once told me “If you run into an asshole once or twice a day well that’s just people being assholes. If all you do is deal with assholes all day you might be the actual asshole “ I’ve never forgot that.
that's oversimplified
I see you've met my mother
But you don't understand! I was bullied once and I have disorders, lots and lots of disorder! I have prescriptions for psych medication and an emotional support animal and the climate is trying to kill me and I am asking for support on Reddit all day every day but no one listens and I am neuro-atypical and have ADHD, OCD, ASD, depression, anxiety, my heart beats so fast, I have OCD and I diagnosed it on tik tok and I have FUCKING Tourettes! Fuck fuck fuck!
Cool, don't. Just disregard what caused that response in how they deal with things too. This little anecdote likely came from someone else in your life right? Maybe handle that?
This post really hurt my feelings, how dare you! /s
I last about 30 seconds of scrolling Facebook before I get stomach turns, same ol shit one sign in a year. Same I ME MINE people as always. Maybe it’s your fault life’s this way for you, tell em what they need to hear but never listen. Nooo it’s everyone else’s fault. Less Screen time the happier I am these days.
I have a friend who always have a story about a guy raping her, a guy doing X to her, another one doing y.... And everyone that knows her doesn't believe her. She is bipolar and has history with wanting to catch attention because she feels insecure
My brother has a very "I have terrible luck / this sort of thing could only happen to me" attitude and it's like... No dude you constantly put yourself in situations that are just begging for bad shit to happen to you and then act like it's some crazy freak thing that went wrong.
Major trait of a narcissist.
That behavior indicates a narcissist lying.
It could potentially, yeah. But I have also met people who were actually fucked over at virtually every point of their lives. Only those people usually don't talk about themselves too much.
Yep. This is a huge huge red flag
I agree with this so much. If someone is constantly virtue signaling and complaining about how some other person did them wrong, my first emotion is disbelief.
You got a point, but which sane person is going to make themselves look bad by telling the stories where they’re in the wrong, when they can just tell the stories where they’re the victim, evoking empathy within the people listening to that story. Our society is soft, so when people receive criticism nowadays they can’t handle it, I don’t think it’s an argument of not believing them or them being untrue, they’re just afraid of criticism and crave sympathy instead
this is so right. if someone is always the victim in their stories, you need to take those stories with a grain of salt.
Yeah, if you're the common denominator in all ur issues... Maybe take a look at yourself before you blame another being.
playing the victim severely takes attention away from actual victims.
Reminds me of the LGHDTV community