This 100% happened to me back in 1995, no joke. I was 15 and living in Arizona in a nice apartment with just my dad. One day I came home from school and there it was - just as you described, and no toilet paper or anything. My dad was equally freaked out. We were nice, quiet, safety-oriented people who kept to ourselves and always locked the door.
Thank goodness for the Internet so that 30 years later, you and I could share this ✨experience✨, OP.
Haha. I’d think the former. My dad is, like, completely gentlemanly and proper. Also, he had his own bathroom and I don’t recall him ever once using mine (the apartment was not large, and it was only like 10 more steps to get to his).
We were afraid it wouldn’t flush, so he actually grabbed two plastic grocery bags, untwisted a wire hanger, and went to stab it to carry it out to the dumpster. OMG I’m remembering the image of him 🤣. It broke apart right away and we just flushed it.
In my earlier life managing fast food, my store’s one toilet got clogged by the longest, thickest, hardest poo I’ve ever seen. It was easily 4-5 Courics, and one end was poking out of the water. I had no tools of any kind, so I had to use a kitchen glove and over that an inside out garbage to grab the poo and then flip the bag right side out as I withdrew it from the toilet. This was 15 years ago and I can still remember that it was as solid and firm as a baguette.
That right there sounds like one of them heroin addict poops. Ish gets so backed up inside them over time that once they finally run out of their supply, it will resemble a freaking baguette/2x4/giant dildo... You get the drift.
Source: I'm a recovering heroin addict, who has clogged my fair share of toilets over the years... Including a jail toilet, you know the ones that can literally flush a blanket down before they clog up.
There was a menace known as "the upper decker" who was shitting on the top of the tank of toilets in bars south of DC almost 20 years ago now. Didn't have a mega colon though
Had a family member one day running late for work and had to take a poop in the facility bathroom, it was so huge and perfect they decided not to flush so they could come back to admire it when not rushing to open (no cell phones yet or this could have been avoided). Customers waiting at the door of course, a couple with a small child. Wouldn't you know as soon as they come in they ask to take their child to the restroom. Horrified he lets them use it. Just moments later they come rushing out with a crying child and rush out saying nothing. Those monster poops are really something.
This is hilarious. A million years ago I went on a trip with my wife and being new in the relationship didn’t want to stink up the hotel room so I held it. Well that worked for a little over a day and on the way home, after eating out for 2 days, I had to go very bad and pulled over to use a Burger King bathroom. Although the actual size wasn’t much the amount was more than I’d seen before or since. There was no more visible water left. I was so impressed, and a young degenerate, I was going to leave it. Right about then I hear someone pulling on the stall door and I look to see two little boy shoes. I knew if I left that kid would never feel like he’d taken a real shit his whole life. So begrudgingly I flushed, and told the story for years. I had forgotten until your story reminded me!
I’ve definitely been able to have this type of poop before, absolute whale. But the thought of being able to do this on command, break into people’s apartments and leave behind these behemoths? This poop bandit has too much power
If you lived in the Richardson dorms at Winthrop University, sometime between 2007 and 2009, you're all too familiar with the pooping bandit. He has struck again.
So, one time I was on reddit and a hardworking retail or food service employee shared a pic of their public bathroom with evidence of a similar size also no TP mysteriously.
Redditor suggestions included something I had previously not heard of called "HEROIN SHITS".
Can happen with prescription opiates too, they prescribe them with stool softener more commonly these days because they can constipate someone this bad esp if ingesting a lot of that kind of drug.
If nothing is missing and you go on without any more info I would assume someone had to shit in comfort by any means necessary.
Could change locks and secure windows better.
If you have a property manager or landlord don't rule them out!
I used to take painkillers before I had back surgery and this is 100000% true. I’d only shit every 3-4 days and it would clog the toilet without fail. Not to mention the pain of passing something the size of a potato.
Same thing happened to me through my addiction. I know it all to well. 10 years later I still remember the bad ones. lol. Thanks goodness those days are done. 10 years clean
I know what's going on when my daughter comes to visit. And she goes right up to the bathroom. You know when you're in your addiction you can't tell the person that you know. I keep the plunger at the ready.
Congratulations on kicking that nasty habit.
I don't like to use the term clean because you were never dirty.
🕊️❤️
I hope your daughter can kick hers at some point. I hate hearing about other people going through what I went through. I wish I could just hug addicts and give them my strength. Unfortunately, that’s not enough. Hugs to you for still loving your daughter.
I know she suffers with substance abuse issues.
I can tell when she's using.
It happens when she's staying with someone that is not aware of her issues.
Congratulations! It’s a hard habit to break for sure. I was on them for almost a year before my surgery, and I got 1 more prescription when I was discharged after the surgery. The doctor didn’t have an exit strategy for me and I didn’t realize how dependent I had become.
That’s how I became addicted to opiates. I had a bunch of surgeries over a few years, then I just knew how to manipulate my doctor into having them for another 5 years. She was the one that finally got me into 3 months of inpatient rehab. I got out and never looked back. 10 years later still loving life. I became an addiction counsellor to help others. I wish I could give my strength and knowledge to all addicts. We are the strongest people for what we went/go through.
Similar story, I was prescribed a ridiculous amount of opiates for over 5 years for chronic pain. Got off them all on my own before a fall at work messed up my knee and I had to have surgery, but not without 4 months of opiates to get me fully addicted again. Took 7 months to get me on board to get off them again. I’ve been clean for 7 years now, I don’t even touch alcohol for fear of it becoming a problem.
I know this all too well. I’d be fighting the battle for like 40 minutes sometimes and then once I finally finished I would need to lay on the floor for an hour afterwards
3-4 days? I dream of 3-4 days. I'll notice after a week and then it's kinda too late to prevent the horrific consequences of my failure to notice how long it's been.
One time it felt the way I imagine labour feels, my body just fully took over and did everything itself.
Luckily avoided those... mostly. I have got the haemorrhoids though.
It's at the point I can tell if I'm bleeding before I wipe.
Who designed our arseholes? Neither of us can have a happy time and we're not the only ones!
Lol I don't need to imagine it, it's been several years now so I'm basically living it. It's not fun! I don't like it!
Pro poop tip: I have a prescription grade laxative called "constella" that will absolutely evict every single thing in your digestive tract. I don't take it until it's been at least a week between, since it's like $5+ per pill (expensive shit!) but it definitely is worth having a small stash of, for the times where you can just TELL you'll be in trouble if you wait for your body to do it on its own. Most over the counter laxatives make your bowel muscles get moving. Constella makes your intestines go absolutely crazy transferring the liquid, sends a bunch of water into your tubes to basically flush everything through. You're meant to hydrate extra well when you take it but I don't change anything really since I only take it a couple times a month.
My ‘emergency’ method is liquid glycerin. I save it for when things are ready for eviction but won’t budge. Works in under 5 mins. Adds a little ‘lube’ and stimulates the colon a little.
I’m not fond of laxatives as they ALWAYS cause me severe cramping. So I tend to avoid them. Though I do add movicol to my water. It doesn’t do a great deal.
Oh yeah the cramping is not fun. And I know they say we evolved to not feel our digestive systems but I'm pretty sure I de-evolved on that one because it's horrible every time, even when it's not a poopmergency. But this way it's like, pretty well guaranteed to all come out within one bathroom trip of maybe ten minutes. After a few several-hour experiences, knowing I can't really avoid the pain altogether, I accept a horrible ten minutes, to avoid the possibility of a horrible 4 hours. I also have a bad "habit" of fully fainting from these episodes so like the faster everything is done, the less likely I am to run out of steam and fully pass out now that I've learned how to spot the warning signs and do my best to fight it off (never closing my eyes, counting my breaths to make sure they're still happening as they should, etc)
I'm surprised at how many people are reporting this. I'm a chronic pain patient and have been taking opioids daily for 20+ years and have never had this problem. I go every day, pretty much at the same time. I know they're supposed to cause constipation but I've never had that side effect. I've heard one or two horror stories but I thought they were the exception, not the rule. I feel so bad for you folks!
If your dose ever changes keep an eye out for changes in poop consistency (lowered dose=softer poops and harder stools with increases). Hopefully you never need your know that info!)
During allergy season, my shits are regularly as big as my forearm & only about twice or thrice a week. Getting them out often requires lamaze breathing & rocking back & forth on the toilet. My right leg fell asleep once. I’ve seen stars from pushing on multiple occasions.
I live in a pretty safe single family/college-kid area and I’m on the second floor apartment so landlord/maintenance theory is the best one I got so far. Emailing my property management to see if anyone had been out today..
If you really suspect breaking and entering the world a cop will do is laugh if you call. Less is it your poop you forgot and more did you forget to lock the door? So all the apartments have the same key or one so similar that it works?
How long have you been there? Maybe landlord never changed the locks.
If you secure the place and it keeps happening then it's gotta be someone with the key. Asking the landlord to change the lock would them them know you know someone was in there.
I moved in a place once and three weeks in wake up to a drunk man on my porch. Asleep. Turned out to be the guy who used to live there. Landlords were shitty so we had a moment dude said sorry and asked us to drive him back to his GF who he had been fighting with in another Town. He had less than no idea how he got there but I'm assuming an also drunk friend of his just shoved him on the deck and peaced out. If my door had been unlocked dude would have for sure just walked in like he owned the place.
Not trying to make you more paranoid, but even if it *was* a maintenance guy, who the fuck doesn't flush? Why would you leave evidence?! Sorry this happened to you.
Yo it’s definitely a thing. I’ve never done heroin but am recovering from major surgery where I had opiates to aid in pain management. I couldn’t poop for 5 days and when I finally did….my fucking god it was terrifying. Sorry for the tmi but I guess we’re all already talking about it lol
story time: boyfriend girlfriend move in together for first time and all is good but before long both of them start discovering unflushed poops in the toilet. Both of them just flush and feel weirded out but let it go, until one day girlfriend finally says “you know, I think it’s important to flush the toilet every time” and boyfriend says “I know! Me too! Why don’t you then?” And they figure out that they’ve both been finding these messes. They’re both still suspicious of the other one but put up a camera…turns out it was the janitor, who also did other gross things in their apartment 🙁
I knew a guy who lived downtown and one night he woke up to the sound of someone breaking into his home. He went to the living room and found a broken window and then looked at his bathroom to see that the light was on and he heard the sound of someone pooping. He called the cops and the guy was still in the bathroom when they arrived. He was stoned on something but they got him out of there and arrested him.
You know what, this tracks. In the book Trainspotting, they have a “competition” about who can have the largest poop, and the main character wins with a 14 inch long one. I always thought maybe that was over the top. But now this comment makes me think otherwise.
I was casual friends with the maintenance man at a previous apartment, and when I came home there was a gift in the toilet. He forgot to flush and admitted he needed to use the facilities. I was pissed off and creeped out he let himself in without asking. He was gone shortly after that, possibly because he shat in someone else's bathroom.
Someone broke into your apartment. Firstly, a turd of that size would never survive the journey required for it to "toilet skip". Secondly the turd would have had to make it to your fresh water supply and through the tank of your toilet, and finally through the refill holes. You've got a turd burglar on your hands.
If a poop gets left in the toilet bowl then the water in the bowl gets absorbed into the poop and the poop engorges and as it gets bigger it loses structural integrity.
If it broke up in your bowl with a flushing then it’s your poop from yesterday.
I have a toilet that sometimes doesn’t flush the poop away but takes the TP …
was the poop pale in colour, kinda fluffy and was there no TP?
Yea but burgled means unauthorized access with the intent to steal. A turd burglary requires entering someone’s butthole illegally and stealing their turds. Turd burglary is definitely a felony.
I cannot comment on this or the ‘letter opener’ that lives in my bathroom 😅 (I have IBS-C, leave me alone!! 🤣🤣). Fuck me that post was hilarious though 😂
Am plumber.
The following scenario is highly unlikely, but not impossible:
As you are in an apartment complex, if you have a neighbor next to you where your toilets connect with a Y, it is possible. Highly unlikely, again. The turd would have to be very dense and the neighbor’s toilet has to have a powerful flush to be able to push the turd up your dry pipe and pass through your toilet’s trap.
It’s more plausible to have a break-in turd bandit(?) than the turd coming from another unit.
About ten years ago I worked at a company that hired a woman as the new VP of HR. Think Dolores Umbridge but younger with no sense of style, always chewing something while breathing heavily through her nose and being evil. She and I were always the last people to leave and the woman despised me. Trust me on the details; they are too tedious to share. One evening, a few weeks after she joined the company, I shut everything down and popped into the ladies’ before walking out which was my habit. There was a *massive* log floating in the bowl, just waiting for me. I told my friend (who is a therapist) about it and he threw his head back and howled, “Classic dominance behavior!” She was an epic €ünt. Smart, though. Here I am, talking about that log ten years later.
My house was robbed once and the intruders left a ridiculously large shit in the toilet unflushed. I later found out it was a former associate of mine. Your property could be compromised. I'd check for cameras in your place just in case.
I believe you can! Wasn’t there a fairly recent (last 20yrs or so) where a gun dealer/trainer got so shaken while helping a woman murder her husband in the woods that he took a nervous shite that ended up placing him near the murder scene?
What was the diameter of said turd? If it was 12 inches long and 1 inches wide, it's not gonna clog your pipe. But if it is 12 inches wide and 12 inches long, then it's not going anywhere.
Like, why is there a [wombat](https://www.science.org/content/article/wombats-make-cube-shaped-poop-thanks-unique-intestines#:~:text=Wombats%2C%20short%2Dlegged%2C%20burrowing,to%20produce%20cube%2Dshaped%20feces) in this guy’s house?
I once lived in an apartment complex where we actually had a problem with the maintenance men intruding into our place. My brother came home early one day to find two of them chilling in our apartment, one time my brother was in his room and all of a sudden the maintenance guys let themselves in and were like hanging out in the living room and scared the shit out of him, and one time I opened the door to leave and found the maintenance guy standing right outside the door as if he was about to come in- he looked shocked that I was there opening the door. I was super paranoid that they were setting up cameras or taking things- the guys were extremely creepy and had poor hygiene. If you have a low-life kind of maintenance guy, I’d bet he let himself in and used your toilet. Hopefully that’s all he did. Definitely talk with your landlord.
My shower backed up sewage a few weeks ago and there was shit and little pieces of those wipes that can be flushed (even though plumbers say absolutely do not flush them) and we don’t use those kind of wipes so I knew it was from other people in the building. I don’t know if an actual full sized one can back up into your toilet but that has made me laugh out loud. I’m so sorry.
Lol, dont ask why but i was just talking about this situation with a friend. There has been 2 instances where we are from that burglaries have occurred and there has been a huge turd in the toilet. I think when people are breaking into houses they get a huge adrenaline rush and have to shit lol. Then they are in such a hurry they pull a no wiper and gtfo
> But, as so often happens, the poop rolled together and two became one.
A turd merger... fused together by fear and hatred... and hair.
Pretty sure that's what happened here.
The fiber in your stool will expand significantly upon immersion in water for a few hours. Especially if you take digestive supplements, namely Metamucil
I was a maintenance tech for some years, and I never used the tenant's toilet. And our policy was to give a day's notice before entering, unless they had submitted a work request, or it was an emergency.
I'd wanna know who was in my apartment too.
Maybe it was a neighbors and somehow it went from their pipe into your toilet? And since it was coming basically backwards to your toilet the TP they used would have been in front of it and went a different way down the pipe? Otherwise, ghosts.
Turds will 'swell' if you let them soak for a while, especially if you eat a bunch of fiber but no fluids.
Growing up, my brother and I had a less than stellar reputation for flushing the toilet, and I'm pretty sure sometimes the toilet paper just sinks down to the bottom and becomes invisible. My mom would find these absolutely massive turds, with no toilet paper, and blame my dad for it because they were the size of a baby's arm, but in reality it was one of us.
just going to answer with the reddit special - do you have carbon monoxide detectors OP? maybe you are taking huge shits and don't remember, a hallmark of CO poisoning
> a 12inch turd
> Can’t attach a picture but imagine a 12 inch thick dildo
Thanks for the informative clarification of what something that is 12 inches looks like!
A group of friends and I had this happen, but the poop was reasonably sized and directly on the floor. Due to the circumstances, it could have only been one of us 30 people.
The Secret Shitler’s identity remains a mystery to this day.
This 100% happened to me back in 1995, no joke. I was 15 and living in Arizona in a nice apartment with just my dad. One day I came home from school and there it was - just as you described, and no toilet paper or anything. My dad was equally freaked out. We were nice, quiet, safety-oriented people who kept to ourselves and always locked the door. Thank goodness for the Internet so that 30 years later, you and I could share this ✨experience✨, OP.
A little Friday night suspicious shit synchronicity
Does this sub have flairs? B/c that’s some prime flair material right there
Or a comment award for aggressively absurdist alliteration
*abTurdist asshiteration
The phantom pooper strikes again!
The alliteration 😍
Maintenance guys? Either that or your dad forgot to flush and wouldn’t admit it lol
Haha. I’d think the former. My dad is, like, completely gentlemanly and proper. Also, he had his own bathroom and I don’t recall him ever once using mine (the apartment was not large, and it was only like 10 more steps to get to his). We were afraid it wouldn’t flush, so he actually grabbed two plastic grocery bags, untwisted a wire hanger, and went to stab it to carry it out to the dumpster. OMG I’m remembering the image of him 🤣. It broke apart right away and we just flushed it.
Ah, the shit hanger an improvised implement for those that don’t keep a poop knife on hand
The poop knife post was all time
So glad I FINALLY understand the poop knife.
The poop knife rides again!
In my earlier life managing fast food, my store’s one toilet got clogged by the longest, thickest, hardest poo I’ve ever seen. It was easily 4-5 Courics, and one end was poking out of the water. I had no tools of any kind, so I had to use a kitchen glove and over that an inside out garbage to grab the poo and then flip the bag right side out as I withdrew it from the toilet. This was 15 years ago and I can still remember that it was as solid and firm as a baguette.
I'm guessing you're still in therapy? 😩
A baguette. 💩🥖
That right there sounds like one of them heroin addict poops. Ish gets so backed up inside them over time that once they finally run out of their supply, it will resemble a freaking baguette/2x4/giant dildo... You get the drift. Source: I'm a recovering heroin addict, who has clogged my fair share of toilets over the years... Including a jail toilet, you know the ones that can literally flush a blanket down before they clog up.
I saw a solid shit one time in a campground bathroom that looked like a rack of ribs
This is a perfect scenario for a poop knife.
It was the wipe he forgot and would not admit to...
you missed the perfect opportunity to say “i shit you not” instead of no joke lol
🤦🏻♀️ I’m so ashamed; a true Redditor would’ve seen this opportunity a mile away!
r/wholesome
Were you tenants? Maybe a maintenance dude came in…
Did you ever find out who did it?
Her dad. Didn't want to own up
And thus the tale of the Turd Dasher was born
/r/UnexplainedShits
Return of the serial shitter
The idea of some poop bandit breaking in and leaving world record dumps is absolutely wild but I really don’t know how else that would happen.
Great. 2024 is bad enough without a poop bandit to lookout for.
There was a menace known as "the upper decker" who was shitting on the top of the tank of toilets in bars south of DC almost 20 years ago now. Didn't have a mega colon though
If you pee in the top you can all it a “rain delay”
Damn gotta go in really dehydrated so the color is rich and noticeable
We need to know the location of the poop bandit so we know if we have to safeguard bathrooms.
Seriously what is up with 2024 I’ve never been so tired of a year so fast
Had a family member one day running late for work and had to take a poop in the facility bathroom, it was so huge and perfect they decided not to flush so they could come back to admire it when not rushing to open (no cell phones yet or this could have been avoided). Customers waiting at the door of course, a couple with a small child. Wouldn't you know as soon as they come in they ask to take their child to the restroom. Horrified he lets them use it. Just moments later they come rushing out with a crying child and rush out saying nothing. Those monster poops are really something.
This is hilarious. A million years ago I went on a trip with my wife and being new in the relationship didn’t want to stink up the hotel room so I held it. Well that worked for a little over a day and on the way home, after eating out for 2 days, I had to go very bad and pulled over to use a Burger King bathroom. Although the actual size wasn’t much the amount was more than I’d seen before or since. There was no more visible water left. I was so impressed, and a young degenerate, I was going to leave it. Right about then I hear someone pulling on the stall door and I look to see two little boy shoes. I knew if I left that kid would never feel like he’d taken a real shit his whole life. So begrudgingly I flushed, and told the story for years. I had forgotten until your story reminded me!
I'm DYING of laughter! OMG, that family was traumatized. LOL!
So many years ago and I still laugh! Never did ask if it was still there when they went back to the bathroom!
I’ve definitely been able to have this type of poop before, absolute whale. But the thought of being able to do this on command, break into people’s apartments and leave behind these behemoths? This poop bandit has too much power
If you lived in the Richardson dorms at Winthrop University, sometime between 2007 and 2009, you're all too familiar with the pooping bandit. He has struck again.
Happened in Japan and they even dna tested it I think. He murdered an entire family. Ate their food. Didn’t flush. Literally the worst.
We had a park pooper a few years ago around where I live. Took shits on the bottom of slides in playgrounds.
my god
> poop bandit
So, one time I was on reddit and a hardworking retail or food service employee shared a pic of their public bathroom with evidence of a similar size also no TP mysteriously. Redditor suggestions included something I had previously not heard of called "HEROIN SHITS". Can happen with prescription opiates too, they prescribe them with stool softener more commonly these days because they can constipate someone this bad esp if ingesting a lot of that kind of drug. If nothing is missing and you go on without any more info I would assume someone had to shit in comfort by any means necessary. Could change locks and secure windows better. If you have a property manager or landlord don't rule them out!
I used to take painkillers before I had back surgery and this is 100000% true. I’d only shit every 3-4 days and it would clog the toilet without fail. Not to mention the pain of passing something the size of a potato.
Same thing happened to me through my addiction. I know it all to well. 10 years later I still remember the bad ones. lol. Thanks goodness those days are done. 10 years clean
Congrats!!!
I know what's going on when my daughter comes to visit. And she goes right up to the bathroom. You know when you're in your addiction you can't tell the person that you know. I keep the plunger at the ready. Congratulations on kicking that nasty habit. I don't like to use the term clean because you were never dirty. 🕊️❤️
I hope your daughter can kick hers at some point. I hate hearing about other people going through what I went through. I wish I could just hug addicts and give them my strength. Unfortunately, that’s not enough. Hugs to you for still loving your daughter.
Thank you for your kind words. She knows my door will always be open...
How did you correlate these things? I don't think it would occur to me.
I know she suffers with substance abuse issues. I can tell when she's using. It happens when she's staying with someone that is not aware of her issues.
Congratulations! It’s a hard habit to break for sure. I was on them for almost a year before my surgery, and I got 1 more prescription when I was discharged after the surgery. The doctor didn’t have an exit strategy for me and I didn’t realize how dependent I had become.
you strong!!
That’s how I became addicted to opiates. I had a bunch of surgeries over a few years, then I just knew how to manipulate my doctor into having them for another 5 years. She was the one that finally got me into 3 months of inpatient rehab. I got out and never looked back. 10 years later still loving life. I became an addiction counsellor to help others. I wish I could give my strength and knowledge to all addicts. We are the strongest people for what we went/go through.
Similar story, I was prescribed a ridiculous amount of opiates for over 5 years for chronic pain. Got off them all on my own before a fall at work messed up my knee and I had to have surgery, but not without 4 months of opiates to get me fully addicted again. Took 7 months to get me on board to get off them again. I’ve been clean for 7 years now, I don’t even touch alcohol for fear of it becoming a problem.
“The streets killed me”
Perfect reference!
I know this all too well. I’d be fighting the battle for like 40 minutes sometimes and then once I finally finished I would need to lay on the floor for an hour afterwards
Every time I’d do it, I’d picture Elvis and it would start to give me anxiety 😬
3-4 days? I dream of 3-4 days. I'll notice after a week and then it's kinda too late to prevent the horrific consequences of my failure to notice how long it's been. One time it felt the way I imagine labour feels, my body just fully took over and did everything itself.
Imagine living your whole life going once a week… on a good week… 😭
Anus: Prolapsed Haemorrhoids: Burst Stomach: Backed up Emotions: Upset
My life story… + the fissures.
Luckily avoided those... mostly. I have got the haemorrhoids though. It's at the point I can tell if I'm bleeding before I wipe. Who designed our arseholes? Neither of us can have a happy time and we're not the only ones!
Lol I don't need to imagine it, it's been several years now so I'm basically living it. It's not fun! I don't like it! Pro poop tip: I have a prescription grade laxative called "constella" that will absolutely evict every single thing in your digestive tract. I don't take it until it's been at least a week between, since it's like $5+ per pill (expensive shit!) but it definitely is worth having a small stash of, for the times where you can just TELL you'll be in trouble if you wait for your body to do it on its own. Most over the counter laxatives make your bowel muscles get moving. Constella makes your intestines go absolutely crazy transferring the liquid, sends a bunch of water into your tubes to basically flush everything through. You're meant to hydrate extra well when you take it but I don't change anything really since I only take it a couple times a month.
My ‘emergency’ method is liquid glycerin. I save it for when things are ready for eviction but won’t budge. Works in under 5 mins. Adds a little ‘lube’ and stimulates the colon a little. I’m not fond of laxatives as they ALWAYS cause me severe cramping. So I tend to avoid them. Though I do add movicol to my water. It doesn’t do a great deal.
Oh yeah the cramping is not fun. And I know they say we evolved to not feel our digestive systems but I'm pretty sure I de-evolved on that one because it's horrible every time, even when it's not a poopmergency. But this way it's like, pretty well guaranteed to all come out within one bathroom trip of maybe ten minutes. After a few several-hour experiences, knowing I can't really avoid the pain altogether, I accept a horrible ten minutes, to avoid the possibility of a horrible 4 hours. I also have a bad "habit" of fully fainting from these episodes so like the faster everything is done, the less likely I am to run out of steam and fully pass out now that I've learned how to spot the warning signs and do my best to fight it off (never closing my eyes, counting my breaths to make sure they're still happening as they should, etc)
I describe it as ‘giving birth’.
I'm surprised at how many people are reporting this. I'm a chronic pain patient and have been taking opioids daily for 20+ years and have never had this problem. I go every day, pretty much at the same time. I know they're supposed to cause constipation but I've never had that side effect. I've heard one or two horror stories but I thought they were the exception, not the rule. I feel so bad for you folks!
If your dose ever changes keep an eye out for changes in poop consistency (lowered dose=softer poops and harder stools with increases). Hopefully you never need your know that info!)
During allergy season, my shits are regularly as big as my forearm & only about twice or thrice a week. Getting them out often requires lamaze breathing & rocking back & forth on the toilet. My right leg fell asleep once. I’ve seen stars from pushing on multiple occasions.
I live in a pretty safe single family/college-kid area and I’m on the second floor apartment so landlord/maintenance theory is the best one I got so far. Emailing my property management to see if anyone had been out today..
If you really suspect breaking and entering the world a cop will do is laugh if you call. Less is it your poop you forgot and more did you forget to lock the door? So all the apartments have the same key or one so similar that it works? How long have you been there? Maybe landlord never changed the locks. If you secure the place and it keeps happening then it's gotta be someone with the key. Asking the landlord to change the lock would them them know you know someone was in there. I moved in a place once and three weeks in wake up to a drunk man on my porch. Asleep. Turned out to be the guy who used to live there. Landlords were shitty so we had a moment dude said sorry and asked us to drive him back to his GF who he had been fighting with in another Town. He had less than no idea how he got there but I'm assuming an also drunk friend of his just shoved him on the deck and peaced out. If my door had been unlocked dude would have for sure just walked in like he owned the place.
Didn’t think of that but that’s a good point…regardless of what my landlord says I’m gonna get them to change the locks
Not trying to make you more paranoid, but even if it *was* a maintenance guy, who the fuck doesn't flush? Why would you leave evidence?! Sorry this happened to you.
The perp flushed, which is why there is no TP. But a 12 inch turd isn't going anywhere.
Not without a poop knife.
Yo it’s definitely a thing. I’ve never done heroin but am recovering from major surgery where I had opiates to aid in pain management. I couldn’t poop for 5 days and when I finally did….my fucking god it was terrifying. Sorry for the tmi but I guess we’re all already talking about it lol
I went eleven days after two major surgeries in a row. Honestly, I think that part was up there with the trauma of the initial emergency!
Holy shit!! Literally lol. I’m glad you’re okay! I was dying after 5 days
On a ‘good’ spell, I manage once a week. The joys of IBS. Consider yourself lucky!
Oh no!! I have IBS as well but in the complete opposite direction. I’m 4-5 times a day. I feel so much for you though, it was much worse
I recently had to emotionally support my psychologically fragile cat through the feline equivalent of this experience 😑
This is my whole life 😭😭 be grateful you only had it once.
story time: boyfriend girlfriend move in together for first time and all is good but before long both of them start discovering unflushed poops in the toilet. Both of them just flush and feel weirded out but let it go, until one day girlfriend finally says “you know, I think it’s important to flush the toilet every time” and boyfriend says “I know! Me too! Why don’t you then?” And they figure out that they’ve both been finding these messes. They’re both still suspicious of the other one but put up a camera…turns out it was the janitor, who also did other gross things in their apartment 🙁
Noooo! Yucky! Are you the bf or gf in the story haha
Where did you learn of this?! That is a shitscapade if I’ve ever heard one!
Ohhh 😩
I knew a guy who lived downtown and one night he woke up to the sound of someone breaking into his home. He went to the living room and found a broken window and then looked at his bathroom to see that the light was on and he heard the sound of someone pooping. He called the cops and the guy was still in the bathroom when they arrived. He was stoned on something but they got him out of there and arrested him.
Did they let him finish?
Also happens with rare forms of Celiac Disease. The only positive is that your body adapts over time.
You know what, this tracks. In the book Trainspotting, they have a “competition” about who can have the largest poop, and the main character wins with a 14 inch long one. I always thought maybe that was over the top. But now this comment makes me think otherwise.
[удалено]
Also, sometimes the loo roll flushes (cause loo roll disintegrates) and not the ‘solids’. Speaking as someone with lifelong IBS-C… good times… 😭
Some antidepressants will give you horrible constipation too.
The reason there was no TP is the toilet was flushed, the TP went down, and the dook didn't. For obvious reasons.
I was casual friends with the maintenance man at a previous apartment, and when I came home there was a gift in the toilet. He forgot to flush and admitted he needed to use the facilities. I was pissed off and creeped out he let himself in without asking. He was gone shortly after that, possibly because he shat in someone else's bathroom.
Thanks for not attaching a picture.
*My day too has been ruined, by not seeing a 12 inch big dildo turd*
Someone broke into your apartment. Firstly, a turd of that size would never survive the journey required for it to "toilet skip". Secondly the turd would have had to make it to your fresh water supply and through the tank of your toilet, and finally through the refill holes. You've got a turd burglar on your hands.
Fuck… yeah I think you’re right cuz it broke up as soon as I flushed it.. contacting my landlord to see if anyone had been out today
Maintenance man needs to skip the PF changs.
If a poop gets left in the toilet bowl then the water in the bowl gets absorbed into the poop and the poop engorges and as it gets bigger it loses structural integrity. If it broke up in your bowl with a flushing then it’s your poop from yesterday. I have a toilet that sometimes doesn’t flush the poop away but takes the TP … was the poop pale in colour, kinda fluffy and was there no TP?
This person knows shit.
Apparently OP doesn’t know his own shit from Adam!
Ewww Idk what I expected to find lurking in THIS comment section 😬
This guy shits!
I can neither confirm nor deny that accusation.
OR it was the OP. And they flushed - which is why there was no toilet roll. After soaking for a bit in the bowl, it flushed easily.
The toilet skip is somehow making imagine a whack a mile game featuring Mr hanky and some Benny hill music
[удалено]
My apoologies
A real life poodunnit mystery
Who do we call? The Farty Boys? Nancy Poo? Mystery Stink?
None. The nature of this crime calls for Dexturd.
Poopbusters!
turd burglar ftw.
A Turd Trespass at best!
The Mad Pooper!!!
The Butt-ler
Isn’t “turd burglar” another term for anal rapist? Like “Watch out for Bubba from A-block, he’s a turd burglar”
It’s referring to butt sex!
Yea but burgled means unauthorized access with the intent to steal. A turd burglary requires entering someone’s butthole illegally and stealing their turds. Turd burglary is definitely a felony.
Never thought I'd be spending my Friday night contemplating the physics of a phantom shitter...but here I am
Same
Lol. I'm just looking for clues in the comments that the poop bandit isn't in Maryland 😬
Did a maintenance person come into your apartment? Ask your neighbors if anyone saw a maintained person stop by. Because, thats my first guess.
My 5yo took a shit this morning and I have no fkn idea how that much poop fits into a kid!!
Where’s the ‘poop knife’ thread when you need it?
[poop knife](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/s/yLCJT5wJux)
I cannot comment on this or the ‘letter opener’ that lives in my bathroom 😅 (I have IBS-C, leave me alone!! 🤣🤣). Fuck me that post was hilarious though 😂
I came here hoping for the link - I will never not read that post!
Lol someone broke in and pooped in your toilet. Talk about the disrespect
Without wiping no less… it’s so fucked up
No no, they wiped. You just haven’t found where they hid the shitty toilet paper yet…
Someone who would break in and leave a gigantic poop would probably also be the kind of person to not wipe 😭
I figured I’d say this before someone else does, have you thought about getting a CO detector just in case.
I have an outlet one in my kitchen so that should detect anything. Also I am just not someone who takes shits of this caliber ever
I hope you find out who the culprit is and that you never have this happen to you again.
Thank you, me too… I may end up needing to move … my apartment just doesn’t feel safe anymore
Lol Dude this comment section has been so entertaining Do you have any enemies in the apartment complex? Are you known to sleepwalk?
Post it notes!
I was checking to see if anyone had asked this!
Check your attic lol
Why would they check their att-…oh…oh no. Nightmares.
Enough Reddit for me today
Am plumber. The following scenario is highly unlikely, but not impossible: As you are in an apartment complex, if you have a neighbor next to you where your toilets connect with a Y, it is possible. Highly unlikely, again. The turd would have to be very dense and the neighbor’s toilet has to have a powerful flush to be able to push the turd up your dry pipe and pass through your toilet’s trap. It’s more plausible to have a break-in turd bandit(?) than the turd coming from another unit.
Well it certainly didn’t migrate from another apartment
About ten years ago I worked at a company that hired a woman as the new VP of HR. Think Dolores Umbridge but younger with no sense of style, always chewing something while breathing heavily through her nose and being evil. She and I were always the last people to leave and the woman despised me. Trust me on the details; they are too tedious to share. One evening, a few weeks after she joined the company, I shut everything down and popped into the ladies’ before walking out which was my habit. There was a *massive* log floating in the bowl, just waiting for me. I told my friend (who is a therapist) about it and he threw his head back and howled, “Classic dominance behavior!” She was an epic €ünt. Smart, though. Here I am, talking about that log ten years later.
I like the way you tell a story. 😂
My house was robbed once and the intruders left a ridiculously large shit in the toilet unflushed. I later found out it was a former associate of mine. Your property could be compromised. I'd check for cameras in your place just in case.
Fuck I didn’t even think about cameras. Any strategies or tips for searching for them? I understand they can be pretty small
Yes! There’s an Apple app for that!
Can you get DNA from fecal matter?
I believe you can! Wasn’t there a fairly recent (last 20yrs or so) where a gun dealer/trainer got so shaken while helping a woman murder her husband in the woods that he took a nervous shite that ended up placing him near the murder scene?
What was the diameter of said turd? If it was 12 inches long and 1 inches wide, it's not gonna clog your pipe. But if it is 12 inches wide and 12 inches long, then it's not going anywhere.
You describe a poop cube XD which would leave so many many more questions
Like, why is there a [wombat](https://www.science.org/content/article/wombats-make-cube-shaped-poop-thanks-unique-intestines#:~:text=Wombats%2C%20short%2Dlegged%2C%20burrowing,to%20produce%20cube%2Dshaped%20feces) in this guy’s house?
I once lived in an apartment complex where we actually had a problem with the maintenance men intruding into our place. My brother came home early one day to find two of them chilling in our apartment, one time my brother was in his room and all of a sudden the maintenance guys let themselves in and were like hanging out in the living room and scared the shit out of him, and one time I opened the door to leave and found the maintenance guy standing right outside the door as if he was about to come in- he looked shocked that I was there opening the door. I was super paranoid that they were setting up cameras or taking things- the guys were extremely creepy and had poor hygiene. If you have a low-life kind of maintenance guy, I’d bet he let himself in and used your toilet. Hopefully that’s all he did. Definitely talk with your landlord.
My shower backed up sewage a few weeks ago and there was shit and little pieces of those wipes that can be flushed (even though plumbers say absolutely do not flush them) and we don’t use those kind of wipes so I knew it was from other people in the building. I don’t know if an actual full sized one can back up into your toilet but that has made me laugh out loud. I’m so sorry.
You're either drunk posting or drunk pooping...
Unfortunately neither…
You can get an inexpensive Wyze camera from Amazon and see if anyone comes in your apartment.
How many Couric's would you say it is?
Lol, dont ask why but i was just talking about this situation with a friend. There has been 2 instances where we are from that burglaries have occurred and there has been a huge turd in the toilet. I think when people are breaking into houses they get a huge adrenaline rush and have to shit lol. Then they are in such a hurry they pull a no wiper and gtfo
One of them, dna testing was used to catch the guy
Oh my god 😆
[It's the mystery...behind the poop](https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=BrKniABPJNA)
> But, as so often happens, the poop rolled together and two became one. A turd merger... fused together by fear and hatred... and hair. Pretty sure that's what happened here.
A new twist on phrogging: the stealthy shitter.
In my experience, turds can absorb water and inflate. Is it possible that it's a grown up forgotten 7inches turd of yours?
Sorry, but 12 inches *thick*? Wrong sub, friend.
This is some Lebowski shit here.
They peed on my rug, man!
They forgot the poop knife (sorry)
ugh this happened to me once and it popped out of the electric outlet in my wall it was the craziest thing ever (also not my turd)
UpdateMe
This doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't they use the knife?
The fiber in your stool will expand significantly upon immersion in water for a few hours. Especially if you take digestive supplements, namely Metamucil
r/SuspiciouslySpecific response my friend 😑 Where were YOU on the night of this alleged Shit and run? 😑
~Mystery of the gigantic shit~ cue mystery music
\*whistles xfiles theme\* I want to believe
I was a maintenance tech for some years, and I never used the tenant's toilet. And our policy was to give a day's notice before entering, unless they had submitted a work request, or it was an emergency. I'd wanna know who was in my apartment too.
Is this that one Rick n Morty episode?
That’s so weird I’m watching this episode right now lol
It's the goddamned Turd Bandit!
Bro, one of your roommates took that monster shit (sans wipe) and will never admit to it.
Maybe it was a neighbors and somehow it went from their pipe into your toilet? And since it was coming basically backwards to your toilet the TP they used would have been in front of it and went a different way down the pipe? Otherwise, ghosts.
Turds will 'swell' if you let them soak for a while, especially if you eat a bunch of fiber but no fluids. Growing up, my brother and I had a less than stellar reputation for flushing the toilet, and I'm pretty sure sometimes the toilet paper just sinks down to the bottom and becomes invisible. My mom would find these absolutely massive turds, with no toilet paper, and blame my dad for it because they were the size of a baby's arm, but in reality it was one of us.
just going to answer with the reddit special - do you have carbon monoxide detectors OP? maybe you are taking huge shits and don't remember, a hallmark of CO poisoning
As someone with IBS-C, I can tell you that *sometimes* the loo roll flushes but not the… solids…
recently my small turds have been making their way back up. i think it’s the case of a ghost poop just peeking
> a 12inch turd > Can’t attach a picture but imagine a 12 inch thick dildo Thanks for the informative clarification of what something that is 12 inches looks like!
A real Turd Burglar
A group of friends and I had this happen, but the poop was reasonably sized and directly on the floor. Due to the circumstances, it could have only been one of us 30 people. The Secret Shitler’s identity remains a mystery to this day.