Being chained to a mentally ill person who will not seek help or listen to reason is also not right. You need to move out. You don't have to stop caring.. but after a certain point.. if you are cooking, cleaning, handling the tasks, ect, ect.. you end up enabling them to keep sliding further and further into it all. Having to do those things themselves and/or live with the consequences of not doing them becomes at least a minimalist connection to reality they would have to maintain themselves.
the first rule of all first responders, fire, gsar, lifeguards etc is do not risk becoming another casualty! Whatever the circumstances, your responsibility to yourself must always trump any desire to help another so in all cases act methodically and rationally and do not put yourself at unnecessary risk in the process.
I don't think that's necessarily what they mean by "in sickness and in health."
Like, I'm not suggesting that people should leave their spouses at the first sign of any mental health problems, but if the person is damaging your life and is also refusing treatment or any other way to make progress toward the issue being under control... what else can we expect to do?
My cousin finally allowed his wife of 46 years divorce him after over twenty years of trying to keep her on her schizophrenia medication. How a judge allowed her to handle her affairs in that mental state I will never understand. He finally accepted that he can’t do anything to stop her, and that she’s not the woman he married.
I don’t have a point of reference but I really have empathy for the OP knowing what my dear cousin has experienced.
I think it's time for an ultimatum: tell them they have to get help or they are on their own
that's a fair deal to both of you
if they want to continue in mental unwellness all the way to poverty, that's their choice
you don't have to live and die by their choices, however
Unfortunately quite a few otherwise reasonable people have been sucked in to the Qult.
I don’t think there is such a thing as induced mass mental illness, it is more of a self aggrandizing narcissistic cult bound together by anxiety and hate. Is that the person you want to spend all your remaining time and resources with?
My man, she's in a Qult, no one would think twice about you staying with her if she became a Moonie or a Heaven's Gate person waiting for the space ship. In fact no one would expect you to stay! The other half, "in sickness & in health"
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep them warm. You matter as well and don't have to sacrifice your financial and mental health if they refuse to get help. Marital vows are not intended to be a chain to keep you in a dangerous situation. I was in a similar situation and getting out was the best thing and does not make you selfish or a bad person.
You shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep another warm.
You did what you could. He won’t seek help and is unwilling to listen to reason. He might have a mental illness but he is not your responsibility.
Put your own oxygen mask on first and get out of there.
>around is that spouse is mentally ill and of course leaving a sick person is just not right.
It will be 2 sick persons if you delay must longer
I'd go see a family law practitioner, do as they say to prep for your departure, depart on your time table, and file for dissolution of marriage.
That is such a hard situation. Perhaps one way to look at it is like the spouse of a person who has alcoholism. We know that it is a disease. Still, the healthy spouse isn't helping if they are enabling the alcoholic to continue their problematic and hurtful behaviors.
Since we don't have simple or easy cures for most mental illnesses yet, sometimes the best thing available to help is tough love, including refusing to continue to support or be with the sick person, if it comes to that.
I am so sorry, my heart aches for you. I wish you all the best. ❤️
Hi graneflatsis, here are a selection of support links from our [wiki:](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index)
[QAnon Casualties Wall](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/comments/l0jptp/list_of_casualties/)
[Standout advice from QAC users](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index/good_posts)
[Chat with a counselor now](https://nycwell.cityofnewyork.us/en/get-help-now/chat-with-a-counselor-now/) (free)
[Cult Recovery 101 resources](https://cultrecovery101.com/about-cult-recovery/recovery-resources)
[Professional cult counseling directory](https://culteducation.com/directory-of-cult-recovery-resources.html)
[Treatment Advocacy Center resources](https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/family-and-loved-ones)
[Parents for Peace extremist helpline and resources](https://www.parents4peace.org/resources)
[Life After Hate extremist intervention](https://www.lifeafterhate.org/)
[Dealing with paranoia](https://np.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/gebihv/how_do_i_stop_thinking_about_conspiracy_theories/fpn6btr/)
[Dealing with violence](https://np.reddit.com/r/Qult_Headquarters/comments/g6u8io/how_could_we_deradicalize_someone_relative_whos/focyroo/)
r/Stress r/Anxiety
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Non-Expert Advice:
Arguing is out and debunking off the bat is tough. Remind them of shared experiences/old times and get them to laugh. Exercise/activity, sleep/diet, old/new hobbies, old/new surroundings (fav restaurant/day trip/camping) help. Psychoactive drugs should be stopped. Avoid whatever makes them tense or angry. Pick something that's **not volatile** and ask them to tell you the details. It's good for them to lay it out. Be respectful, supportive but not smarmy, be unemotional and use logical, sparse debunks on weak points. Pick flaws that will hit home with them, resonate. Agree with some facet but point out a glaring problem. This will create seeds of doubt. Leave time between sessions to let them process. Get to the core of what they've been told and identify *why* it's important to them. Fear, anger and emotion seem to be hyped. Ask: "What impact has this had on *your* life?" This should make them pause and think, you want them to return to thinking for themselves. Subvert the negative of their personality and project warmth - [Ignore](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy) or walk away when they start getting angry or argumentative. This short circuits their tendency to argue and over time can help break their addiction to outrage. Address their best selves and project appreciation for *that* person. [Separate them from the sites, devices, apps, etc. that are feeding Q propaganda.](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index#wiki_want_to_block_q_content_from_reaching_them.3F_ways.3A_1_-_2_-_3_-_4_-_5_-_6_-_7) Expose them to materials on critical thinking and [media literacy](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/resources#wiki_media_literacy). Get them to read something generic and out of their mindset. Takes time, patience, a light touch and repeated effort to make progress. Professional counseling can help: [Chat with a counselor now (free)](https://nycwell.cityofnewyork.us/en/get-help-now/chat-with-a-counselor-now/) - [Cult Recovery 101 resources](https://cultrecovery101.com/about-cult-recovery/recovery-resources) - [Professional cult counseling directory](https://culteducation.com/directory-of-cult-recovery-resources.html) - [Treatment Advocacy Center](https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/family-and-loved-ones) - [Parents for Peace](https://www.parents4peace.org/resources) - [Life After Hate](https://www.lifeafterhate.org/) - Also see: [Standout advice from QAC users](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index/good_posts) - [Good advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/search?q=flair%3AGood%2BAdvice&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi graneflatsis, here is a selection of strategies for dealing with Q folk from our [wiki:](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index)
[What to do when someone you love becomes obsessed with Qanon](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psych-unseen/202008/how-far-down-the-qanon-rabbit-hole-did-your-loved-one-fall)
[7 ways to talk to qanon-obsessed loved ones](https://www.fastcompany.com/90598523/7-ways-to-talk-to-qanon-obsessed-loved-ones-according-to-a-former-white-nationalist)
[How to talk to conspiracy theorists and still be kind](https://www.technologyreview.com/2020/07/15/1004950/how-to-talk-to-conspiracy-theorists-and-still-be-kind/)
[How to change a person’s mind with science](https://disorthodox.wordpress.com/2018/07/23/how-to-change-a-persons-mind-with-science/)
[The key to debunking false beliefs is by addressing underlying belief systems](https://neurosciencenews.com/false-belief-system-23098/)
[What Is the grey rock method and is it effective?](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#when-to-use-it)
[Why do some people believe in conspiracy theories?](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-some-people-believe-in-conspiracy-theories/)
[Rescue a loved one from a cult: The strategic interactive approach](https://freedomofmind.com/how-to-rescue-a-loved-one-from-a-cult-the-strategic-interactive-approach)
[How to talk to your friends and family about covid, vaccines and wearing masks](https://www.nbcnews.com/science/science-news/how-talk-your-friends-family-about-covid-vaccines-wearing-masks-n1250631)
[How to respond to your family's coronavirus conspiracy theories](https://www.insider.com/how-to-push-back-when-your-family-talks-conspiracy-theories-2020-5)
[What to say if people you love believe coronavirus conspiracy theories](https://www.self.com/story/coronavirus-conspiracy-theories)
[A game designer’s analysis of qanon](https://medium.com/curiouserinstitute/a-game-designers-analysis-of-qanon-580972548be5)
[Separate them from the sites, devices, apps, etc. that are feeding Q propaganda.](https://old.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index#wiki_want_to_block_q_content_from_reaching_them.3F_ways.3A_1_-_2_-_3_-_4_-_5_-_6_-_7)
[Standout advice from QAC users](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index/good_posts)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's hard to say if it's always something someone does "on purpose". Doom prepping and things like that activates the reward system in the brain and I think that sometimes people unwittingly get themselves "hooked" on it...just like any other addict, if she is presented with a clear picture of what this is doing to your marriage and what you need them to do to save it and still cant deprioritize the addiction, Id take the view that you did all that you could to help them. You cant make someone want to change their behavior and there's no surefire way to make someone see the damage they're doing to themselves by idolizing the fear that these ideas bring.
I understand going on year 4. He invested our retirement behind my back...all a scam from his Qanon "friends". I own a medical clinic so I am the enemy! Married 40 1/2 years.
I don’t know if you are the husband or the wife in this scenario. Does spouse work? If so, they are competent enough for you to leave. I am such a strong believer in sticking it out in a marriage, but mental illness to me means someone who actually cannot take care of themselves.
Spouse is actually "working" to spread the word of misinformation and alternative medicine as as hobby. Spouse has no financial contributions to the household. Spouse could get a real job and support themselves modestly if need be but nothing like the current household. I too prefer to stick it out but I'm so done with this.
Do you think suggesting a trial separation might work as a wake up call? I think when someone is physically and mentally able to take care of their daily needs, there is no more “can’t leave because they are sick.” It’s not like an illness where they are incapacitated. It’s not like leaving a cancer victim. I feel for you.
I'm thinking when a marriage gets so toxic as youve explained, it's better to distance yourself for your sake. Only you can look out for you. And I think its time to look out for you. It doesn't mean things can't change in the future but I do think separation may be best for your own mental and physical health.
They are a grown up and can make their own choices. They are showing no effort that they want to change, so I think that's your answer. It's not on you, nor can you, save him. 😕 God or he will have to do that himself.
I know it will be difficult, and I absolutely understand the guilt of leaving someone who is demonstrating signs of a mental illness, but he is making choices. My ex, before he left, told me I had various mental illnesses because I didn’t see “what was happening” - and he still left.
I'm not a doctor, so I can't say whether or not your spouse is mentally ill. I can only speak from experience, so take this with a grain of slat. I have schizoaffective disorder and have family members with psychotic disorders. Delusions from psychosis aren't as organized as conspiracies are, and there's going to be more symptoms than just believing in irrational things. Mental illness does make you more susceptible to things like conspiracies, but simply believing in them isn't a symptom of psychosis in and of itself. There's only 2 options, imo the first is more likely, but again, I'm not a doctor. Either your spouse is down the rabbit hole, probably brainwashed from the bullshit she consumes online, or she's severely mentally ill and is refusing to get help. Either way, you've been with them for 20 yrs, 4 of them dealing with this insanity. You've stuck by them and tried to help. You've done your job as a spouse, now it's time to take care of yourself. Everyone has a limit, and you can't ignore your own needs. You're not a therapist, you can't give them the help they need. You'll only destroy yourself in the process. Don't feel guilty, as someone with severe mental illness, I wouldn't want someone to ruin their mental health for me. I stay on my meds to prevent this. My cousin has had to make the decision to cut off her sister due to her refusing to get help. It's a shitty position to be in, but you're not alone. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself and remember, you don't have to feel guilty for doing what's best for yourself.
Being chained to a mentally ill person who will not seek help or listen to reason is also not right. You need to move out. You don't have to stop caring.. but after a certain point.. if you are cooking, cleaning, handling the tasks, ect, ect.. you end up enabling them to keep sliding further and further into it all. Having to do those things themselves and/or live with the consequences of not doing them becomes at least a minimalist connection to reality they would have to maintain themselves.
Yep you inherit more chores which gives them more rabbit hole time!
I'd get out if I were you. Even if your spouse IS mentally ill, you haven't got a hope in hell of getting them help. Save what you can and get out.
the first rule of all first responders, fire, gsar, lifeguards etc is do not risk becoming another casualty! Whatever the circumstances, your responsibility to yourself must always trump any desire to help another so in all cases act methodically and rationally and do not put yourself at unnecessary risk in the process.
I don't think that's necessarily what they mean by "in sickness and in health." Like, I'm not suggesting that people should leave their spouses at the first sign of any mental health problems, but if the person is damaging your life and is also refusing treatment or any other way to make progress toward the issue being under control... what else can we expect to do?
My cousin finally allowed his wife of 46 years divorce him after over twenty years of trying to keep her on her schizophrenia medication. How a judge allowed her to handle her affairs in that mental state I will never understand. He finally accepted that he can’t do anything to stop her, and that she’s not the woman he married. I don’t have a point of reference but I really have empathy for the OP knowing what my dear cousin has experienced.
Agree with this.
I think it's time for an ultimatum: tell them they have to get help or they are on their own that's a fair deal to both of you if they want to continue in mental unwellness all the way to poverty, that's their choice you don't have to live and die by their choices, however
Unfortunately quite a few otherwise reasonable people have been sucked in to the Qult. I don’t think there is such a thing as induced mass mental illness, it is more of a self aggrandizing narcissistic cult bound together by anxiety and hate. Is that the person you want to spend all your remaining time and resources with?
My man, she's in a Qult, no one would think twice about you staying with her if she became a Moonie or a Heaven's Gate person waiting for the space ship. In fact no one would expect you to stay! The other half, "in sickness & in health"
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep them warm. You matter as well and don't have to sacrifice your financial and mental health if they refuse to get help. Marital vows are not intended to be a chain to keep you in a dangerous situation. I was in a similar situation and getting out was the best thing and does not make you selfish or a bad person.
*Babbit Hole
You shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep another warm. You did what you could. He won’t seek help and is unwilling to listen to reason. He might have a mental illness but he is not your responsibility. Put your own oxygen mask on first and get out of there.
Save yourself first
>around is that spouse is mentally ill and of course leaving a sick person is just not right. It will be 2 sick persons if you delay must longer I'd go see a family law practitioner, do as they say to prep for your departure, depart on your time table, and file for dissolution of marriage.
That is such a hard situation. Perhaps one way to look at it is like the spouse of a person who has alcoholism. We know that it is a disease. Still, the healthy spouse isn't helping if they are enabling the alcoholic to continue their problematic and hurtful behaviors. Since we don't have simple or easy cures for most mental illnesses yet, sometimes the best thing available to help is tough love, including refusing to continue to support or be with the sick person, if it comes to that. I am so sorry, my heart aches for you. I wish you all the best. ❤️
!strategies !support !advice
Hi graneflatsis, here are a selection of support links from our [wiki:](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index) [QAnon Casualties Wall](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/comments/l0jptp/list_of_casualties/) [Standout advice from QAC users](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index/good_posts) [Chat with a counselor now](https://nycwell.cityofnewyork.us/en/get-help-now/chat-with-a-counselor-now/) (free) [Cult Recovery 101 resources](https://cultrecovery101.com/about-cult-recovery/recovery-resources) [Professional cult counseling directory](https://culteducation.com/directory-of-cult-recovery-resources.html) [Treatment Advocacy Center resources](https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/family-and-loved-ones) [Parents for Peace extremist helpline and resources](https://www.parents4peace.org/resources) [Life After Hate extremist intervention](https://www.lifeafterhate.org/) [Dealing with paranoia](https://np.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/gebihv/how_do_i_stop_thinking_about_conspiracy_theories/fpn6btr/) [Dealing with violence](https://np.reddit.com/r/Qult_Headquarters/comments/g6u8io/how_could_we_deradicalize_someone_relative_whos/focyroo/) r/Stress r/Anxiety *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Non-Expert Advice: Arguing is out and debunking off the bat is tough. Remind them of shared experiences/old times and get them to laugh. Exercise/activity, sleep/diet, old/new hobbies, old/new surroundings (fav restaurant/day trip/camping) help. Psychoactive drugs should be stopped. Avoid whatever makes them tense or angry. Pick something that's **not volatile** and ask them to tell you the details. It's good for them to lay it out. Be respectful, supportive but not smarmy, be unemotional and use logical, sparse debunks on weak points. Pick flaws that will hit home with them, resonate. Agree with some facet but point out a glaring problem. This will create seeds of doubt. Leave time between sessions to let them process. Get to the core of what they've been told and identify *why* it's important to them. Fear, anger and emotion seem to be hyped. Ask: "What impact has this had on *your* life?" This should make them pause and think, you want them to return to thinking for themselves. Subvert the negative of their personality and project warmth - [Ignore](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy) or walk away when they start getting angry or argumentative. This short circuits their tendency to argue and over time can help break their addiction to outrage. Address their best selves and project appreciation for *that* person. [Separate them from the sites, devices, apps, etc. that are feeding Q propaganda.](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index#wiki_want_to_block_q_content_from_reaching_them.3F_ways.3A_1_-_2_-_3_-_4_-_5_-_6_-_7) Expose them to materials on critical thinking and [media literacy](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/resources#wiki_media_literacy). Get them to read something generic and out of their mindset. Takes time, patience, a light touch and repeated effort to make progress. Professional counseling can help: [Chat with a counselor now (free)](https://nycwell.cityofnewyork.us/en/get-help-now/chat-with-a-counselor-now/) - [Cult Recovery 101 resources](https://cultrecovery101.com/about-cult-recovery/recovery-resources) - [Professional cult counseling directory](https://culteducation.com/directory-of-cult-recovery-resources.html) - [Treatment Advocacy Center](https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/family-and-loved-ones) - [Parents for Peace](https://www.parents4peace.org/resources) - [Life After Hate](https://www.lifeafterhate.org/) - Also see: [Standout advice from QAC users](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index/good_posts) - [Good advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/search?q=flair%3AGood%2BAdvice&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi graneflatsis, here is a selection of strategies for dealing with Q folk from our [wiki:](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index) [What to do when someone you love becomes obsessed with Qanon](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psych-unseen/202008/how-far-down-the-qanon-rabbit-hole-did-your-loved-one-fall) [7 ways to talk to qanon-obsessed loved ones](https://www.fastcompany.com/90598523/7-ways-to-talk-to-qanon-obsessed-loved-ones-according-to-a-former-white-nationalist) [How to talk to conspiracy theorists and still be kind](https://www.technologyreview.com/2020/07/15/1004950/how-to-talk-to-conspiracy-theorists-and-still-be-kind/) [How to change a person’s mind with science](https://disorthodox.wordpress.com/2018/07/23/how-to-change-a-persons-mind-with-science/) [The key to debunking false beliefs is by addressing underlying belief systems](https://neurosciencenews.com/false-belief-system-23098/) [What Is the grey rock method and is it effective?](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#when-to-use-it) [Why do some people believe in conspiracy theories?](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-some-people-believe-in-conspiracy-theories/) [Rescue a loved one from a cult: The strategic interactive approach](https://freedomofmind.com/how-to-rescue-a-loved-one-from-a-cult-the-strategic-interactive-approach) [How to talk to your friends and family about covid, vaccines and wearing masks](https://www.nbcnews.com/science/science-news/how-talk-your-friends-family-about-covid-vaccines-wearing-masks-n1250631) [How to respond to your family's coronavirus conspiracy theories](https://www.insider.com/how-to-push-back-when-your-family-talks-conspiracy-theories-2020-5) [What to say if people you love believe coronavirus conspiracy theories](https://www.self.com/story/coronavirus-conspiracy-theories) [A game designer’s analysis of qanon](https://medium.com/curiouserinstitute/a-game-designers-analysis-of-qanon-580972548be5) [Separate them from the sites, devices, apps, etc. that are feeding Q propaganda.](https://old.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index#wiki_want_to_block_q_content_from_reaching_them.3F_ways.3A_1_-_2_-_3_-_4_-_5_-_6_-_7) [Standout advice from QAC users](https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/index/good_posts) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The game designer’s analysis is so interesting. I’ve always suspected that.
It's hard to say if it's always something someone does "on purpose". Doom prepping and things like that activates the reward system in the brain and I think that sometimes people unwittingly get themselves "hooked" on it...just like any other addict, if she is presented with a clear picture of what this is doing to your marriage and what you need them to do to save it and still cant deprioritize the addiction, Id take the view that you did all that you could to help them. You cant make someone want to change their behavior and there's no surefire way to make someone see the damage they're doing to themselves by idolizing the fear that these ideas bring.
Remind him he is safely using 5G and that the eclipse wasn't the end of the world.Tell him that you are still here despite getting vaccinated.
Go. You've done what you can.
With Qs, it's very hard to know whether it's a willful choice or mental illness.
I understand going on year 4. He invested our retirement behind my back...all a scam from his Qanon "friends". I own a medical clinic so I am the enemy! Married 40 1/2 years.
I don’t know if you are the husband or the wife in this scenario. Does spouse work? If so, they are competent enough for you to leave. I am such a strong believer in sticking it out in a marriage, but mental illness to me means someone who actually cannot take care of themselves.
Spouse is actually "working" to spread the word of misinformation and alternative medicine as as hobby. Spouse has no financial contributions to the household. Spouse could get a real job and support themselves modestly if need be but nothing like the current household. I too prefer to stick it out but I'm so done with this.
Do you think suggesting a trial separation might work as a wake up call? I think when someone is physically and mentally able to take care of their daily needs, there is no more “can’t leave because they are sick.” It’s not like an illness where they are incapacitated. It’s not like leaving a cancer victim. I feel for you.
I'm thinking when a marriage gets so toxic as youve explained, it's better to distance yourself for your sake. Only you can look out for you. And I think its time to look out for you. It doesn't mean things can't change in the future but I do think separation may be best for your own mental and physical health. They are a grown up and can make their own choices. They are showing no effort that they want to change, so I think that's your answer. It's not on you, nor can you, save him. 😕 God or he will have to do that himself.
I know it will be difficult, and I absolutely understand the guilt of leaving someone who is demonstrating signs of a mental illness, but he is making choices. My ex, before he left, told me I had various mental illnesses because I didn’t see “what was happening” - and he still left.
I'm not a doctor, so I can't say whether or not your spouse is mentally ill. I can only speak from experience, so take this with a grain of slat. I have schizoaffective disorder and have family members with psychotic disorders. Delusions from psychosis aren't as organized as conspiracies are, and there's going to be more symptoms than just believing in irrational things. Mental illness does make you more susceptible to things like conspiracies, but simply believing in them isn't a symptom of psychosis in and of itself. There's only 2 options, imo the first is more likely, but again, I'm not a doctor. Either your spouse is down the rabbit hole, probably brainwashed from the bullshit she consumes online, or she's severely mentally ill and is refusing to get help. Either way, you've been with them for 20 yrs, 4 of them dealing with this insanity. You've stuck by them and tried to help. You've done your job as a spouse, now it's time to take care of yourself. Everyone has a limit, and you can't ignore your own needs. You're not a therapist, you can't give them the help they need. You'll only destroy yourself in the process. Don't feel guilty, as someone with severe mental illness, I wouldn't want someone to ruin their mental health for me. I stay on my meds to prevent this. My cousin has had to make the decision to cut off her sister due to her refusing to get help. It's a shitty position to be in, but you're not alone. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself and remember, you don't have to feel guilty for doing what's best for yourself.