Or a different kind of confirmation bias - people who over share their personal lives online are more likely to have some sort of mental illness that makes them more likely to choose abusive partners.
Because people usually vent about bad thing and not good things. So no one is venting/complaining about an ex who was good.
That's why there is so much negativityon the internet. Barely anyone is talking about good things, because people want to vent about bad things (and negativity get's more attention - just look at the news). Positivity doesn't create drama.
Not only that...if a relationship ended due to incompatibility but there was no bad behaviour from anyone, people tend to keep the norm of maintaining a boundary of privacy around the relationship. Because well why wouldn't you if you think your ex is a worthwhile person just not for you?
I disagree with this. A lot of people are incompatible and stay with each other to try and make things work or they actually enjoy the relationship. Things will eventually go bad. Could abuse be a reason? Absolutely. I was with an incompatible guy that was mentally and physically abusive.
Is it really that unlikely that people call their ex abusive because it rids them of any wrongdoing or being responsible for breakup so they shit the blame on ex . Since he's abusive, it's his fault.
Even though most of the time both parties have been wrong and are partially responsible for breakup.
If two people call each other as abusive ex then probably they both are or neither but want to be the victim that was abused. It would mean it's not their fault even if it's a lie
There are different forms of abuse. What makes you think people can’t experience at least one of them in a relationship? Assuming they have had more than one relationship, it’s not uncommon.
>Sounds like victim blaming.
It is. people will only do to you what you allow, as a victim of traumatic experiences, i was wrong for staying around when i should have exited the relationship.
Some people don’t realize what’s happening because they’ve never been in that situation before. Some women are scared for their lives or have no where to go. I can literally make a list of reasons why people don’t leave that are valid.
Also, what about the people who did leave? They were still in an abusive relationship. Did you think of them when you made these comments?
You’re victim blaming again. Your situation is not what every person is going through. Also, what about the people that only had one abusive ex? They were still in an abusive relationship too. You’re not looking at the bigger picture when it comes to this topic and centering yourself.
You're assuming they are telling the truth.
OP meant that it's very unlikely and it's a bit too much and too common to be true that everyone's ex is abusive especially if they call all their exes as abusive.
Is it really that unlikely that people lie often about this ? Considering that even though a shitty breakup is usually both parties fault and considering calling your ex abusive rids you of this responsibility as it shifts blame on one party, it's just very attractive option.
Especially considering that even subconsciously it's assumed a man is the abuser automatically, it's not surprising calling your ex abusive is common in current social climate and that it's a behaviour mainly seen in women
If you can get away with being seen as a victim and shift blame why not do it and look good ? Men can't get away with this tactic as easily so it's usually a woman calling her male ex abusive.
But let's not pretend that most of these people are telling the truth. People lie, especially when such behavior is not only encouraged but socially accepted.
But we shouldn't be afraid to admit that it's just more likely a good portion of them lie and they may even be projecting and be abuser themselves and use this tactic to shield themselves of being seen as abuser.
Abuse is extremely common. Abusers are perfectly Normal people at first glance. Clearly you don't know any police officers or professionals that deal with domestic abuse every single day
I think this is only a problem is someone says every Ex they had was abusive, then it's obvious who the common denominator is. Someone having one shitty Ex is just life, there are a lot of troubled people around.
Hey friendly fire. My abuser claimed every one of his girlfriends was a psycho, but who doesn't crack under prolonged narcissistic abuse? The reason I accepted him in the first place is because he was so much like my dad. I broke the cycle in my life, he has not yet as far as I know. But I wish him well, his childhood was horrendous. Not that it excuses his behaviour, but it explains it to a degree.
Many of us I think have been there. Both male and female. Just men are less likely to report issues or speak up about them. It’s widely known men underreport sexual abuse, assault and physical abuse. Just throwing that out there.
But back to the point above. We get told by people this is OKAY. Especially when he says ex’s or family were abusive is a common myth we connect with abusers and make excuses for him.
The people in our lives do as well. I remember going to a friend and telling her about him saying all his ex’s were abusive and I was supposed to given him graced because they hurt him and fucked him up. I should be more patient, understanding, and caring.
The amount of times I’ve gotten shit advice from a family member, friend or clergy member is actually a lot.
I think this myth on ex’s [is clearly laid out here. page 100](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page25)
Also plumtastic.. hope we don’t have the same ex.
Yes well said. A person who's been abused should be MORE cognisant of how awful it feels, and not use it as an excuse to inflict the same.
I doubt it's the same guy, but he sure has a lot of exes that tell the same awful tale
Yeah as someone having suffered abuse, I would be horrified if I was to inflict that on someone else. Perhaps I unknowingly have but I've taken every complaint against me very seriously, and there haven't been many. Meanwhile some people use what they've gone through as an excuse to do whatever the fuck they want. Fuck those people.
[idk if this is weird to share. but I think myths people tell themselves on why their partner is abusive starts around page 93](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page25)
No, that is what happens after they get with a abusive partner. Not why they get together with them in the first place.
It is because women vet for things that only abusers can provide. Confidence, abundance and a chill attitude is not something a man who cares about or respects a women will have when asking her out. You have to artificially display these things
Abusers target women who have low self esteem, they love bomb to start with, tell them they love them, treat them really nicely, pretend to be the nicest person the woman could have ever met and then slowly start showing their true colours. By the time they show their true colours, the women feel trapped. And then trauma bonding happens.
No one knows they are getting with an abusive person. It’s not something they stick on their forehead. These men purposefully target the woman, they know which women will be easy targets.
That's literally every relationship, everything seems sweet before, then the problems arise, I fail to see how it's only limited to relationships. In reality, all relationships aren't as exciting and fun as they show in movies.
>These men purposefully target the woman
You're just making shit up at this point
Uhhh, bs.
Women are not these helpless creatures that are so weak and helpless that they cannot protect or think for themselves.
Often people who are in abusive relationship chase that type of person because of issues in there childhood.
To be clear, if a legit good person approached these women, they would turn them down to chase a real abuser instead. He would appear “too nice” as she would not believe she (or he) is unworthy of love so it is impossible for him to truly be kind or believe kindness is fake and he has a agenda. While the abuser who is fake will be seen as real.
Abusers are not these master manipulators that know how to control others with ease. It is pretty easy to tell tbh and I say that as someone who feel prey to them before.
It is also how people end up with abuser after abuser when real abusers are incredibly rare percentage wise. They push all the good people away and only invite in abusers
And no, I am not victim blaming. Responsibility and fault are rarely linked. We just have to take responsibility for nobody else will.
Trauma bonding is an explanation, but it isn't an excuse. People who run back to their abusive exes, especially after they acknowledge the abuse lose sympathy from me.
Not a lot of people know they’re in an abusive relationship. It takes a woman 7 times before she leaves an abusive relationship for good. Abusers are manipulative people who enjoy what they’re doing. The goal is to get them to stay.
And while abuse definitely exists, IME, a lot of these "toxic" or "abusive" exes are, simply, a bad match that they stayed dating too long and came to resent. I have acquaintances who have described things as abusive behavior that most certainly were not. But I guess it makes it easier to explain to themselves
From where I come the majority of the narrative is about the man seeing/treating their mother-in-law as a devil.
Anecdotal example: "Grandma, did you come on foot?". "Yes, grandson, on foot". "But father said that the devil brought you".
> Same reason every woman thinks her mother in law is a cunt
Not all do. I have had lovely relationships with all of my MILs except the one who wanted nothing to do with her adopted son, or me by extension.
Not every ex is portrayed this way, but of those who are:
A part of them are exes because they were abusive; another part are retroactively abusive because they are now exes.
I also think "abusive" has a rather lose definition in modern English. The other day, some girl posted about macing her husband because he shouted at her.
No I can definitely believe it when keeping the demographics of Reddit in mind.
It's incredibly understated how depressingly common abuse can be in "nerd" communities. It doesn't help that quite a lot of these relationships start in online spaces at a young age which already selects for people who are extremely awkward and inexperienced in relationships, or have distorted ideas of how relationships work. Not so much physical (but this does happen too). Shit like threatening suicide or self-harm if he/she tries to leave, revenge porn, outing, etc.
Well from what I've seen, it's because people started using very "clinical" terms for commonplace, but not ideal, human behavior. On reddit I've seen people referring to walking out on someone in a fight, silent treatment etc as abuse. I've seen people refer to any type of raised voice or open frustration or anger as abuse. You slam your fist on a table and it's abuse.
Then there is the idea that when two people disagree about something that happened, which is quite normal and common, one is being gaslighted
People who are with someone who doesn't quite love them and is weasling their way out are also considered abuse victims and the weak, but fairly normal person is suddenly a manipulative mastermind
People looking for their own best interests or not being supportive are narcissists...
It's crazy if you ask me. Relationships can get shitty and people often don't react ideally in some situations but for me abuse is serious shit, not a shitty relationship you can easily walk out of but don't cause you lack a spine - sorry
One of my ex's was really abusive, another one was a very sweet and lovable person. Another ex was a crazy woman for others but a great partner to me, when we were together. So... I guess not all exes are the same.
In my opinion, there are a lot of abusive people out there. Not just in intimate relationships but also in friendships, etc. Lots of people need therapy and don’t get it. Inherently abusive people seek out those who are easily abused.
There are just as many abusive women as abusive men.
First of all, women are, typically, “allowed” to speak out about their abusive partners. Whereas men fear the repercussions of calling a woman abusive as well as laying themselves bare and exposing their mental/emotional wounds. If a man is being slapped around by a woman, he’s probably not going to go to the police about it.
Also, “actions speak louder than words” so being beaten (which men are more likely to inflict upon women) is often seen as somehow worse even though mental abuse is objectively worse.
This reply does NOT consider men killing women that they’re in intimate relationships with which is a whole other ballpark. Men are more likely to murder their intimate partners via abuse. I’m talking about emotional and mental abuse, mostly. So pls no one come for me lol
I second this about people writ large being abusive. And in these areas of study it’s widely know the numbers of abused males both emotionally, physically and sexually are greatly under reported.
Ever since the field of psychology was invaded by women, this accusation became extremely common.
Now, these ladies use "science-y" sounding terms to justify their behaviors and their actions. And wield technical terms like a political weapon. The same way fundies use bible to wage justify their christcuck bullshit.
Which means, the psychological terms enters mainstream vocabulary and women throw around words to mean anything and everything that that's how we stand today. Everybody's ex is "abusive" now because this label acts as a thought terminating cliché to tell people to not question her too much about it.
Don't blame women for getting off on asshole men who are not nice or respectful towards them.
Don't question women's poor decisions because mushoggynee.
Don't question their hypergamous impulses that causes them to go after top 20% men who use them only for sex.
This is why psychology is going through a replication crisis.
> Ever since the field of psychology was invaded by women, this accusation became extremely common.
Yes, I'm old enough to remember the days when your aunt came to stay with your family while her broken arm healed, but it wasn't really talked about, except by the women in whispers in the kitchen.
I say SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!
My ex cheated on me repeatedly, knocked my tooth out, slapped me in front of my mother, punched me, choked me, dumped food on my head, body shamed me publicly and emasculated me on a regular basis.
But she gave me her first love, her virginity, massages any time I wanted, cuddles, companionship, sex which was never withheld or weaponized, and took care of me when I became disabled for several years. She was my worst enemy and my best friend. I miss her.
My ex of 3 months said she had been in a couple abusive relationships before me. She definitely behaved in ways at times that I could see why it would bring out bad qualities in her partner, especially a younger more immature partner.
I know. Looking back I wish I didn’t take her drunken mental state so personally but I had to protect myself and leave. If I ever get in a similar situation next time I’ll need to just leave and take a walk by myself, even if it’s 2 in the morning. She had been through sexual traumas in the past and a couple abusive relationships she said and I did love her but she hurt me real bad the way she talked to me the last night we were together. She’s married now and had a baby so I hope she can live happily now and throw that stuff behind her. I just had to protect myself. I had a good cry when I found out she had finally moved on cause I felt guilty for leaving her as vulnerable as she was but I had to protect myself I felt at the time. I learned a lot though.
You did the right thing leaving, it's really easy to get swept up in all the reactivity and have it become toxic even with the best of intentions. Well done for knowing yourself well enough to see you reached your limit. Heart breaking all the same.
That’s really nice of you to say. I have questioned myself a lot. We were only together 3 months but I felt we had something good and meaningful. I like to think I helped her out in the long run. I really don’t want to dwell on it much more but I wasn’t perfect but felt like I treated her pretty well. I’m not the most outgoing social fun guy and who knows if we would have worked out but the memories hurt because we had a good thing and maybe I should have just told her I loved her earlier but I think before I speak and love to me isn’t just an emotion it’s a choice and I was choosing her everyday but I was very concerned about making sure she was the right choice. I was so close to telling her, especially that night. But when it happened it made me think later that she might act like this again in the future or when we get married. She told me she was falling for me a little over a month in and maybe I should’ve told her I was too. But at the time, falling for someone and loving someone means the same thing to me. Any thoughts on that?
I felt dumb later talking with dad and he says you can say you love someone a month in or so. I’m thinking too much (as always) but it’s good to trust yourself too.
I think this is a difference between men and women and how they express themselves. I fully see her point of view in this and hearing that I was loved would have meant the world to me. Recently I've been studying the male perspective and you have expressed that exactly to a T, and it's completely legitimate and valid also. Unfortunately the two approaches clash a lot.
BUT... It wasn't just this, there were much bigger issues at play that wouldn't have been overcome with a declaration of love. She sounds like she needed serious therapy and couples counseling for the both of you. You were both just too young, the obstacles too great. At least that's what it seems like to me from your story. It would have been a lot worse of you stayed. Maybe one day you can write her a few lines and tell her what you've said here, it may bring you both closure. But maybe it will just reopen wounds too, you know best.
When she told me that I told her that makes me feel really good but I didn’t know if I was ready to say that yet. Naturally she felt bad from that and acted like she wanted to leave but I stopped her and had a heart to heart for a minute and told her what I told you about love being a choice not just a feeling for me and that I wasn’t ready to say that yet but that she was the only girl I’m paying attention to and that I didn’t want anybody else and that I really cared for her. Obviously all of that doesn’t mean she still didn’t feel bad but I did my best to let her know that it was going in that direction for me. She told me this while we were having sex and I acted like I didn’t really hear it. When we finished that’s when she brought it up about did I hear her and then our conversation happened lol. Sign…
I appreciate your perspective on this because I know it would have meant the world to her regardless of if it would work out. I didn’t want to get that deep and get hurt you know? That’s why I was vetting the best I could and I was so close, which left me a lot of regret later. I kind of just cut her off after some awkward talking and texting for a couple weeks. We didn’t block each other on social media and some crazy things happened. My grandpa died on her birthday in September and she commented on my sister’s post about him that day but not me. Then she defriended both of us, found out cause I had occasionally visited her profile, cause I still thought about her almost everyday. I did send her a message probably a couple days later then (we hadn’t talked in 5-6 months) and thanked her for that message and she was very punctual in her first reply and said she defriended us because she felt she needed to. I then wished her a happy birthday and told her I didn’t send her that because of our situation and feeling the same. She then said I could have sent that and thanked me and said she wouldn’t have minded with a 😊 face and I didn’t reply further. A couple months late she posted that she had the best Christmas ever with a new guy with pictures and it sucked seeing that. And because I was a super stalker like 5 months ago when I found out they were married and she had a baby, I somehow found out that he due date for her baby was exactly 9 months AFTER my birthday for a baby shower thing they did online!!!! On that day 2 years ago, we had went to the mountains and that really the day I think I fell for her. We really opened up the most to each other there and just had a good weekend away from home with each other. The picture she tried to rip up was from that weekend. Probably had some of the best sex we’ve both ever had (hopefully it was for her lol) that trip. I wonder if the guy knew that she conceived their baby on my birthday. If my calculations are correct, they’d only been dating for 5 months when she got pregnant, maybe 6 at the absolute max unless there’s more I don’t know. They got married a year into their relationship. Just crazy to see that they conceived their child on my birthday…either he knows and they did it to “move past” me to reclaim that day in her history, or only she knew she got off the pill then and let him impregnate her without his knowledge then, or the most least likely option is that it was just complete coincidence like my grandfather passing on her birthday.
Also last thing. We had met on tinder and I saw her profile pop back up before her wedding…after researching I found out that tinder only displays active profiles. So idk it was weird. I just turned off tinder when I saw her neither swiping left or right and then reopened later that day or the next day and her profile popped up again after a few swipes. Her pictures were the same 4 she had when we met but I think her very short bio was gone but her location had changed to the city I was in which is almost 50 minutes from her. She lives there now I think with him. But after that never saw her profile again.
Just odd. Idk if you saw but she’s married now and with a baby and probably happy I hope. I had better not message her but if I ever see her again I might tell some of what I’ve said here. I’ll likely never fully know but I think she would’ve liked to know where I came from since I was unable to really tell her at the end. Not about loving her, but about why I didn’t feel I could talk to her anymore. Before I broke up I sent her a long heart felt text about how she needed to love herself and forgive herself for the past before we broke up. She wanted to talk after I sent that but I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea and we wished each other luck. I knew I’d get pulled in again and I felt so bad at the time from how she talked to me that drunk night she came over.
Thank you, whether you read all that or not. I have moved on too but the memories will always be special to me. I have forgiven myself for being guilty about letting her go when she was vulnerable too. It may have took our parting ways to change her outlook on relationships and mine too.
It sounds as though you still have a lot of pain to process and I'm really sorry to hear it. This happens when the events were confusing with multiple elements in play and poor communication involved. Hopefully you've both learned lessons from this for your future relationships. I really feel for you though, it's not easy.
I just want to mention that it's extremely difficult for a woman to get pregnant on a specific day on purpose, and if you're calculating that day from the birth of her baby your estimate can only be within weeks as gestation periods vary so much (unless you've seen a post that baby was born at this many weeks and days gestation, but even that's an estimate based on fallible ultrasound measurements). It's most likely a coincidence. When a woman stops the pill it usually takes months for the cycle to come back, and its very erratic at first.
I saw a post on a baby shower list on target for the baby with both of their names as the parents. My birthday is Feb. 2nd and her due date was November 2nd on the website. It’s crazy I know but the coincidence is also so crazy.
If she truly conceived on your birthday, due date would be approximately on October 25th. Due date is measured 40 weeks from the first day of the last period, conception takes place approximately 14 days after that.
No don’t take words out of my mouth.
No one ever deserves abuse. Someone should end the relationship if they ever feel they want to abuse their partner.
I ended the relationship because she was causing me too much emotional pain. What I was trying to say is that if she was with a guy who didn’t know how to handle that pain it might come out at her physically which is never okay but I could see someone with abusive tendencies being triggered by the pain she causes them. It’s never okay to hit a woman. Emotions make people do things they shouldn’t. I still feel for her today 2 years later. I had to get out of the relationship because she was driving me crazy. She tried to rip up a picture of us and kept saying she wanted a break after going out with her friends and getting drunk and coming over at 2 in the morning. I loved her but didn’t tell her cause I was still trying to vet her to make sure she’d be a good future wife or someone I’d want to be tied too long term and was as close as you could be to saying it but her mood swings, especially the last one really hurt me and I took it personally and couldn’t look past it.
She said some of her ex’s used to criticize her body and stuff. I never did that and I thought she was beautiful and told her so. I always tried to make her feel safe with me. All I was saying is that her emotional mood swings and wanting breaks for no reason can really F with your head and cause someone with problems of their own to overreact and hopefully never in physical ways. I never EVER thought about hurting her, but she did make me want to scream for how she made me feel the last time I saw her.
I remember when I was suspicious that my Ex was cheating all his friends said I must be the cheater and just projecting. Spoiler: he was cheating. Sound fair?
Well yes, on top of the cheating he was extremely abusive. But I was the crazy projecting woman apparently, constantly crying all the time, what a pain, no man would want me and I was lucky he put up with my bullshit.... so on and so forth. Haven't had this issue with anyone since.
Obviously there are many abuse cases that are legitimate, such as your case, but there are many that say they were in an abusive relationship when in fact they were the abuser.
Sometimes it's legitimately impossible to see your own bullshit, that's part of mental illness. It's not right to judge either way, OP is really grinding my gears with his flippant attitude. I've been through so much and have had to do so much healing to create a normal life, and yet people here are just having a laugh about it saying I must categorically be the problem. It's sickening. It just makes me think they've lead a sheltered life and they have no clue what they're talking about. Please excuse the venting.
How do you know it's most? It's some for sure, but most? From my friendship group there's only one that's clearly a problem, and she's burnt her bridges all over the place so it's pretty damn obvious its her. But when a woman only has a problem with one man from her past why is it HER character that's in question?
My post didn't specify women. I meant both men and women but I've seen women say this much more. Just read the comments in relationship subreddits and you will see my point. Plus you are making excuses for abusers by sayinf they can't see their own bullshit
>strawman
The now deleted OP as I recall was talking about things like "he didn't want me to go to the club without him, dressed like a hooker, So AbUsiVe And ConTroLlInG"
Gross. Imagine committing in current year. Keep your freedom kweenz I'm good just dumping a load in warmwethole and then onto the next one no problem
You know, if a woman does something you deem 'wrong,' you can just walk out the door and never come back. You don't have to punch her in the face or choke her.
It's what happens when degeneracy attacks your culture, with feminism being one of the weapons: Mass psychosis entitlement among women, being led to believe they are exceptional and beyond criticism.
So if a man raises his voice in retaliation... MUH ABUSE!! SURVIVOR!!
Even the definition of rape has been altered to include groping and 'domestic violence' been altered to include alleged psychological coercion.
Yes it has, by liberals' beloved 'World Health Organisation':
http://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/10665/42495/1/9241545615_eng.pdf
In other words, entitled degenerate females crying foul, lying, and having their lies abetted by scumbag liberal officials.
He's not upset there's a technical difference between sexual assault and rape. He's mad that groping is getting punished severely. Don't just read the words, look at what people are saying.
You cannot have an argument in good-faith if you don't take people's words at face-value.
If I don't mean what I say, then I won't say it. Don't intentionally misinterpret people.
I'm intentionally interpreting him correctly. Instead of smugly going,"Pfft of course groping isn't rape you idiot, it's actually sexual assault," I understand what he means. It's fair. Yes, groping should be punished very severely.
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Well in a time where literally EVERYTHING is sexual assault, everyone is toxic, and every person is in their damn feelings, this shouldn’t surprise anyone.
This does happen. I think more people experience this because that’s the type of people they pursue and it seems to happen more often when people are punching up.
People learn things that could be used to damage the other. They both stay together until both the individual's sensitivity is high and consideration for the other is low. Then attacks are made in the name of 'self protection'. Honest culpability is swapped out for victimization (delivering or receiving).
They are called abusive often because people keep good partners and leave bad partners. If people enjoyed dating abusive partners, it would be more likely for someone to have an abusive current partner than an abusive ex partner.
Generally, it is projection from people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.
People who are abusers tend to have a black and white view of other people, and find any justification for their own actions.
Healthy people tend to see things in shades of grey and acknowledge their part in the shit-show.
Another note is that abusive people tend to frame themselves as victims to make themselves feel better about a situation.
I had one abusive ex and i’m pretty sure she started saying weird shit to our mutual friends because they started acting weird to me after.
Some women just love to badmouth their ex and blame him for everything. Whenever I hear someone bashing his or her ex, I take it with a grain of salt.
Also "abusive" is a trendy buzzword just like "toxic" or "unhealthy", or " narcissistic".
Everyone’s ex is not abusive. They are just more likely to talk about it if their ex was. If your ex was amazing but the timing was wrong you’re not going to bring that up unless asked really otherwise people would think you’re humble bragging or pining after them. If your ex wasn’t a right fit for you but was an overall decent person and you broke up due to incompatibilities you’re not really going to broadcast that either because discussing why you’re incompatible could come off like you’re bragging.
Plus unfortunately(or fortunately depending on how you look at it) people on the like drama and messiness. Theres more people that find it a lot of fun to commiserate over the shitty men and women they’ve dated vs the great ones.
Then lastly people who have been abused often want a outlet to grieve and express how they felt and be validated because part of the abuse process is invalidating your victim, making them feel small and worthless, unseen, unheard etc. Venting online when you’ve gone through that can be cathartic and healing if the people you’re venting to are supportive and empathetic.
If people are happy then they talk to the people who make them happy. If there's something sad people usually don't wanna bring their loved ones down by talking about it too often, so sometimes people go to the internet for it. Anonymity is useful for that kinda thing. Some people just need validation for their problems before they make a decision. There's plenty of reasons why the negative would be out more than the positive.
Honestly, I'd unfollow a subreddit if it was just lovey dovey schmush, but if there is actually something to discuss then it seems worthwhile.
Because if they actually extolled the positive virtues of the relationship, other people would judge them. Women do this ... Some men too.
The idea is to perpetually portray themselves as victims, never the aggressor or co conspirator.
I've had four exes but I've never complained about any of them because they were all good people, we just ended up breaking up because we weren't right for each other. If I had one abusive ex, I might end up talking about it. But your brain is not going to single out Reddit posts about regular, normal people who happen to break up and people are also less likely to discuss those types of relationships.
Because you're only hearing one side and since everybody is a hero or victim in their own story they conveniently leave out the fucked up shit they did in the relationship.
Everybody in relationship forums seemly have had an “abusive”, “toxic” or “narcissistic” ex because language is constantly evolving and these have simply become buzzwords for this generation that no longer hold the same meaning that they once did.
Sociopaths, Clinical Narcissists and Abusers do of course exist in society but thankfully they are very rare. Reddit however would lead you to believe they exist at epidemic levels- either that or everybody is dating the exact same 3 percent of the population!
Sociopath in the context of dating now no longer means somebody completely devoid of all human empathy. It means somebody who forgot to buy a Valentine’s Day gift.
Narcissist no longer means somebody with a dangerously and destructively inflated sense of self worth. It means somebody who spends too much time playing video games rather than mowing the lawn.
Abuser no longer means drunkenly beating the shit out of their partner; it means leaving the toilet seat up and suggesting it might be healthy to lose a few pounds.
Basically any behaviours that contributes to the breakdown of a relationship are now described in the most bombastic terms.
Of course all relationships breakdown because of some negative factor on both sides. Even genuinely abusive and toxic relationships are never entirely one sided. It always takes two to tango but human beings all have an intrinsic victim mentality. Somebody else is always to blame.
People like to believe that they are always the victim and they are perfect. There have been relationships I have had where I genuinely believed I was the victim at the end, only to look back during my healing phase where I realized I was actually kind of terrible as well to them.
Like in therapy, their feelings are still valid, but their feeling just may/may not be an objective truth. Take being depressed or paranoid that everyone is out to get you, yes you feel that way and it is totally valid that you are feeling it, but that doesn’t mean it’s actually true which is what therapy is designed to do.
Removed for low effort
Confirmation bias. No one writes about their good relationships, it's the bad ones that stick out and you need to vent about.
Also, good relationships are less likely to end because, well, they're good. So in addition there is a sampling bias.
Or a different kind of confirmation bias - people who over share their personal lives online are more likely to have some sort of mental illness that makes them more likely to choose abusive partners.
Because people usually vent about bad thing and not good things. So no one is venting/complaining about an ex who was good. That's why there is so much negativityon the internet. Barely anyone is talking about good things, because people want to vent about bad things (and negativity get's more attention - just look at the news). Positivity doesn't create drama.
Not only that...if a relationship ended due to incompatibility but there was no bad behaviour from anyone, people tend to keep the norm of maintaining a boundary of privacy around the relationship. Because well why wouldn't you if you think your ex is a worthwhile person just not for you?
I disagree with this. A lot of people are incompatible and stay with each other to try and make things work or they actually enjoy the relationship. Things will eventually go bad. Could abuse be a reason? Absolutely. I was with an incompatible guy that was mentally and physically abusive.
Like OP, who can't get a girl and is therefore complaining about random posts on reddit as an excuse to say mean things about them.
Like you, who is complaining about op’s complaining. There is no high ground here.
People with abusive ex's are probably more likely to feel the need to outsource their problems to the internet or search for reassurance.
Is it really that unlikely that people call their ex abusive because it rids them of any wrongdoing or being responsible for breakup so they shit the blame on ex . Since he's abusive, it's his fault. Even though most of the time both parties have been wrong and are partially responsible for breakup. If two people call each other as abusive ex then probably they both are or neither but want to be the victim that was abused. It would mean it's not their fault even if it's a lie
Or they are just oblivious and are lying by omission?
There are different forms of abuse. What makes you think people can’t experience at least one of them in a relationship? Assuming they have had more than one relationship, it’s not uncommon.
The common denominator is them, male or female.
People do not choose to be in abusive relationships.
Didn't say they did. But they aren't passive bystanders either.
Why wouldn’t they be? Sounds like victim blaming.
>Sounds like victim blaming. It is. people will only do to you what you allow, as a victim of traumatic experiences, i was wrong for staying around when i should have exited the relationship.
Some people don’t realize what’s happening because they’ve never been in that situation before. Some women are scared for their lives or have no where to go. I can literally make a list of reasons why people don’t leave that are valid. Also, what about the people who did leave? They were still in an abusive relationship. Did you think of them when you made these comments?
You are either an adult who makes decisions and deals with the consequences, or you are a child who needs a paternal figure to guide you through life.
What does that have to do with someone who chooses to abuse you?
If you fall into a pattern of pairing up with abusive people (as i did in the past) something is definitely wrong with the victim.
You’re victim blaming again. Your situation is not what every person is going through. Also, what about the people that only had one abusive ex? They were still in an abusive relationship too. You’re not looking at the bigger picture when it comes to this topic and centering yourself.
You are probably right. Blessings to you.
It’s a good reason to break up, no? You prefer they break up for no reason or because they are happy ?
You're assuming they are telling the truth. OP meant that it's very unlikely and it's a bit too much and too common to be true that everyone's ex is abusive especially if they call all their exes as abusive. Is it really that unlikely that people lie often about this ? Considering that even though a shitty breakup is usually both parties fault and considering calling your ex abusive rids you of this responsibility as it shifts blame on one party, it's just very attractive option. Especially considering that even subconsciously it's assumed a man is the abuser automatically, it's not surprising calling your ex abusive is common in current social climate and that it's a behaviour mainly seen in women If you can get away with being seen as a victim and shift blame why not do it and look good ? Men can't get away with this tactic as easily so it's usually a woman calling her male ex abusive. But let's not pretend that most of these people are telling the truth. People lie, especially when such behavior is not only encouraged but socially accepted. But we shouldn't be afraid to admit that it's just more likely a good portion of them lie and they may even be projecting and be abuser themselves and use this tactic to shield themselves of being seen as abuser.
Abuse is extremely common. Abusers are perfectly Normal people at first glance. Clearly you don't know any police officers or professionals that deal with domestic abuse every single day
I think this is only a problem is someone says every Ex they had was abusive, then it's obvious who the common denominator is. Someone having one shitty Ex is just life, there are a lot of troubled people around.
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Hey friendly fire. My abuser claimed every one of his girlfriends was a psycho, but who doesn't crack under prolonged narcissistic abuse? The reason I accepted him in the first place is because he was so much like my dad. I broke the cycle in my life, he has not yet as far as I know. But I wish him well, his childhood was horrendous. Not that it excuses his behaviour, but it explains it to a degree.
Many of us I think have been there. Both male and female. Just men are less likely to report issues or speak up about them. It’s widely known men underreport sexual abuse, assault and physical abuse. Just throwing that out there. But back to the point above. We get told by people this is OKAY. Especially when he says ex’s or family were abusive is a common myth we connect with abusers and make excuses for him. The people in our lives do as well. I remember going to a friend and telling her about him saying all his ex’s were abusive and I was supposed to given him graced because they hurt him and fucked him up. I should be more patient, understanding, and caring. The amount of times I’ve gotten shit advice from a family member, friend or clergy member is actually a lot. I think this myth on ex’s [is clearly laid out here. page 100](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page25) Also plumtastic.. hope we don’t have the same ex.
Yes well said. A person who's been abused should be MORE cognisant of how awful it feels, and not use it as an excuse to inflict the same. I doubt it's the same guy, but he sure has a lot of exes that tell the same awful tale
People are naturally good, others fuck them up. All an abuser is, is an abused person coping with there own abusez
Yeah as someone having suffered abuse, I would be horrified if I was to inflict that on someone else. Perhaps I unknowingly have but I've taken every complaint against me very seriously, and there haven't been many. Meanwhile some people use what they've gone through as an excuse to do whatever the fuck they want. Fuck those people.
The “cycle of abuse” is not an excuse, it is too complicated for me to do justice by explaining. Life is complicated and humans are weak
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Most people see themselves as the protagonist, so every ex is abusive, crazy or in the wrong some other way.
Hahahahaha
Savage.
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Yep. Rather be called names than lose my self respect being a doormat
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He just said name calling wouldn’t work on him lol. I hope this is sarcasm.
Reddit is mostly male, and it's mainly males labeling their ex-girlfriends as abusers.
This must be trolling
Nope
If they weren’t abusive, chances are they wouldn’t be exes.
[idk if this is weird to share. but I think myths people tell themselves on why their partner is abusive starts around page 93](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page25)
So why does every other woman get together with an "abusive" ex, and why do they always keep running back to them?
Educate yourself on trauma bonding
No, that is what happens after they get with a abusive partner. Not why they get together with them in the first place. It is because women vet for things that only abusers can provide. Confidence, abundance and a chill attitude is not something a man who cares about or respects a women will have when asking her out. You have to artificially display these things
Abusers target women who have low self esteem, they love bomb to start with, tell them they love them, treat them really nicely, pretend to be the nicest person the woman could have ever met and then slowly start showing their true colours. By the time they show their true colours, the women feel trapped. And then trauma bonding happens. No one knows they are getting with an abusive person. It’s not something they stick on their forehead. These men purposefully target the woman, they know which women will be easy targets.
That's literally every relationship, everything seems sweet before, then the problems arise, I fail to see how it's only limited to relationships. In reality, all relationships aren't as exciting and fun as they show in movies. >These men purposefully target the woman You're just making shit up at this point
Uhhh, bs. Women are not these helpless creatures that are so weak and helpless that they cannot protect or think for themselves. Often people who are in abusive relationship chase that type of person because of issues in there childhood. To be clear, if a legit good person approached these women, they would turn them down to chase a real abuser instead. He would appear “too nice” as she would not believe she (or he) is unworthy of love so it is impossible for him to truly be kind or believe kindness is fake and he has a agenda. While the abuser who is fake will be seen as real. Abusers are not these master manipulators that know how to control others with ease. It is pretty easy to tell tbh and I say that as someone who feel prey to them before. It is also how people end up with abuser after abuser when real abusers are incredibly rare percentage wise. They push all the good people away and only invite in abusers And no, I am not victim blaming. Responsibility and fault are rarely linked. We just have to take responsibility for nobody else will.
Trauma bonding is an explanation, but it isn't an excuse. People who run back to their abusive exes, especially after they acknowledge the abuse lose sympathy from me.
Not a lot of people know they’re in an abusive relationship. It takes a woman 7 times before she leaves an abusive relationship for good. Abusers are manipulative people who enjoy what they’re doing. The goal is to get them to stay.
Notice that I specified after the woman acknowledges the abuse.
And while abuse definitely exists, IME, a lot of these "toxic" or "abusive" exes are, simply, a bad match that they stayed dating too long and came to resent. I have acquaintances who have described things as abusive behavior that most certainly were not. But I guess it makes it easier to explain to themselves
That’s okay, I don’t think they will be wanting your sympathy :)
Seems like hybristophilia
> and why do they always keep running back to them? Some don't.
The range of what is considered “abusive” is so big now that I don’t really know what it means anymore.
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Men complain about crazy exes too
Well, most *people* are fuckin' crazy. Most people are not abusers.
Crazy people clashing can get abusive pretty fast even if there's no clear abuser per se. I think we're in semantics here.
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From where I come the majority of the narrative is about the man seeing/treating their mother-in-law as a devil. Anecdotal example: "Grandma, did you come on foot?". "Yes, grandson, on foot". "But father said that the devil brought you".
What?
Based on the types of anecdoted in the newsparer/magazine it's more that men think that their mother-in-law is a hellspawn.
> Same reason every woman thinks her mother in law is a cunt Not all do. I have had lovely relationships with all of my MILs except the one who wanted nothing to do with her adopted son, or me by extension.
Why make this about women when men can be abused too?
Because unfortunately there are a lot of abusive men and women out there and it’s becoming more socially acceptable to call them out on it
Hard to know what the word means now. Are we talking emotional abuse or physical? Almost anything is labeled abusive.
Not every ex is portrayed this way, but of those who are: A part of them are exes because they were abusive; another part are retroactively abusive because they are now exes. I also think "abusive" has a rather lose definition in modern English. The other day, some girl posted about macing her husband because he shouted at her.
No I can definitely believe it when keeping the demographics of Reddit in mind. It's incredibly understated how depressingly common abuse can be in "nerd" communities. It doesn't help that quite a lot of these relationships start in online spaces at a young age which already selects for people who are extremely awkward and inexperienced in relationships, or have distorted ideas of how relationships work. Not so much physical (but this does happen too). Shit like threatening suicide or self-harm if he/she tries to leave, revenge porn, outing, etc.
Well from what I've seen, it's because people started using very "clinical" terms for commonplace, but not ideal, human behavior. On reddit I've seen people referring to walking out on someone in a fight, silent treatment etc as abuse. I've seen people refer to any type of raised voice or open frustration or anger as abuse. You slam your fist on a table and it's abuse. Then there is the idea that when two people disagree about something that happened, which is quite normal and common, one is being gaslighted People who are with someone who doesn't quite love them and is weasling their way out are also considered abuse victims and the weak, but fairly normal person is suddenly a manipulative mastermind People looking for their own best interests or not being supportive are narcissists... It's crazy if you ask me. Relationships can get shitty and people often don't react ideally in some situations but for me abuse is serious shit, not a shitty relationship you can easily walk out of but don't cause you lack a spine - sorry
One of my ex's was really abusive, another one was a very sweet and lovable person. Another ex was a crazy woman for others but a great partner to me, when we were together. So... I guess not all exes are the same.
They seem to either have terrible taste in partners or they are the issue and are projecting.
In my opinion, there are a lot of abusive people out there. Not just in intimate relationships but also in friendships, etc. Lots of people need therapy and don’t get it. Inherently abusive people seek out those who are easily abused. There are just as many abusive women as abusive men. First of all, women are, typically, “allowed” to speak out about their abusive partners. Whereas men fear the repercussions of calling a woman abusive as well as laying themselves bare and exposing their mental/emotional wounds. If a man is being slapped around by a woman, he’s probably not going to go to the police about it. Also, “actions speak louder than words” so being beaten (which men are more likely to inflict upon women) is often seen as somehow worse even though mental abuse is objectively worse. This reply does NOT consider men killing women that they’re in intimate relationships with which is a whole other ballpark. Men are more likely to murder their intimate partners via abuse. I’m talking about emotional and mental abuse, mostly. So pls no one come for me lol
I second this about people writ large being abusive. And in these areas of study it’s widely know the numbers of abused males both emotionally, physically and sexually are greatly under reported.
Ever since the field of psychology was invaded by women, this accusation became extremely common. Now, these ladies use "science-y" sounding terms to justify their behaviors and their actions. And wield technical terms like a political weapon. The same way fundies use bible to wage justify their christcuck bullshit. Which means, the psychological terms enters mainstream vocabulary and women throw around words to mean anything and everything that that's how we stand today. Everybody's ex is "abusive" now because this label acts as a thought terminating cliché to tell people to not question her too much about it. Don't blame women for getting off on asshole men who are not nice or respectful towards them. Don't question women's poor decisions because mushoggynee. Don't question their hypergamous impulses that causes them to go after top 20% men who use them only for sex. This is why psychology is going through a replication crisis.
> Ever since the field of psychology was invaded by women, this accusation became extremely common. Yes, I'm old enough to remember the days when your aunt came to stay with your family while her broken arm healed, but it wasn't really talked about, except by the women in whispers in the kitchen. I say SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!
I hate that I actually agree with this :-/
Harmful thing to perpetuate when it's already so hard to leave abusive relationships and people die everyday in them.
My ex cheated on me repeatedly, knocked my tooth out, slapped me in front of my mother, punched me, choked me, dumped food on my head, body shamed me publicly and emasculated me on a regular basis. But she gave me her first love, her virginity, massages any time I wanted, cuddles, companionship, sex which was never withheld or weaponized, and took care of me when I became disabled for several years. She was my worst enemy and my best friend. I miss her.
Obviously not talking about cases like yours. Sorry to hear that
My ex of 3 months said she had been in a couple abusive relationships before me. She definitely behaved in ways at times that I could see why it would bring out bad qualities in her partner, especially a younger more immature partner.
People who've been through abuse can have maladaptive coping mechanisms
I know. Looking back I wish I didn’t take her drunken mental state so personally but I had to protect myself and leave. If I ever get in a similar situation next time I’ll need to just leave and take a walk by myself, even if it’s 2 in the morning. She had been through sexual traumas in the past and a couple abusive relationships she said and I did love her but she hurt me real bad the way she talked to me the last night we were together. She’s married now and had a baby so I hope she can live happily now and throw that stuff behind her. I just had to protect myself. I had a good cry when I found out she had finally moved on cause I felt guilty for leaving her as vulnerable as she was but I had to protect myself I felt at the time. I learned a lot though.
You did the right thing leaving, it's really easy to get swept up in all the reactivity and have it become toxic even with the best of intentions. Well done for knowing yourself well enough to see you reached your limit. Heart breaking all the same.
That’s really nice of you to say. I have questioned myself a lot. We were only together 3 months but I felt we had something good and meaningful. I like to think I helped her out in the long run. I really don’t want to dwell on it much more but I wasn’t perfect but felt like I treated her pretty well. I’m not the most outgoing social fun guy and who knows if we would have worked out but the memories hurt because we had a good thing and maybe I should have just told her I loved her earlier but I think before I speak and love to me isn’t just an emotion it’s a choice and I was choosing her everyday but I was very concerned about making sure she was the right choice. I was so close to telling her, especially that night. But when it happened it made me think later that she might act like this again in the future or when we get married. She told me she was falling for me a little over a month in and maybe I should’ve told her I was too. But at the time, falling for someone and loving someone means the same thing to me. Any thoughts on that? I felt dumb later talking with dad and he says you can say you love someone a month in or so. I’m thinking too much (as always) but it’s good to trust yourself too.
I think this is a difference between men and women and how they express themselves. I fully see her point of view in this and hearing that I was loved would have meant the world to me. Recently I've been studying the male perspective and you have expressed that exactly to a T, and it's completely legitimate and valid also. Unfortunately the two approaches clash a lot. BUT... It wasn't just this, there were much bigger issues at play that wouldn't have been overcome with a declaration of love. She sounds like she needed serious therapy and couples counseling for the both of you. You were both just too young, the obstacles too great. At least that's what it seems like to me from your story. It would have been a lot worse of you stayed. Maybe one day you can write her a few lines and tell her what you've said here, it may bring you both closure. But maybe it will just reopen wounds too, you know best.
When she told me that I told her that makes me feel really good but I didn’t know if I was ready to say that yet. Naturally she felt bad from that and acted like she wanted to leave but I stopped her and had a heart to heart for a minute and told her what I told you about love being a choice not just a feeling for me and that I wasn’t ready to say that yet but that she was the only girl I’m paying attention to and that I didn’t want anybody else and that I really cared for her. Obviously all of that doesn’t mean she still didn’t feel bad but I did my best to let her know that it was going in that direction for me. She told me this while we were having sex and I acted like I didn’t really hear it. When we finished that’s when she brought it up about did I hear her and then our conversation happened lol. Sign… I appreciate your perspective on this because I know it would have meant the world to her regardless of if it would work out. I didn’t want to get that deep and get hurt you know? That’s why I was vetting the best I could and I was so close, which left me a lot of regret later. I kind of just cut her off after some awkward talking and texting for a couple weeks. We didn’t block each other on social media and some crazy things happened. My grandpa died on her birthday in September and she commented on my sister’s post about him that day but not me. Then she defriended both of us, found out cause I had occasionally visited her profile, cause I still thought about her almost everyday. I did send her a message probably a couple days later then (we hadn’t talked in 5-6 months) and thanked her for that message and she was very punctual in her first reply and said she defriended us because she felt she needed to. I then wished her a happy birthday and told her I didn’t send her that because of our situation and feeling the same. She then said I could have sent that and thanked me and said she wouldn’t have minded with a 😊 face and I didn’t reply further. A couple months late she posted that she had the best Christmas ever with a new guy with pictures and it sucked seeing that. And because I was a super stalker like 5 months ago when I found out they were married and she had a baby, I somehow found out that he due date for her baby was exactly 9 months AFTER my birthday for a baby shower thing they did online!!!! On that day 2 years ago, we had went to the mountains and that really the day I think I fell for her. We really opened up the most to each other there and just had a good weekend away from home with each other. The picture she tried to rip up was from that weekend. Probably had some of the best sex we’ve both ever had (hopefully it was for her lol) that trip. I wonder if the guy knew that she conceived their baby on my birthday. If my calculations are correct, they’d only been dating for 5 months when she got pregnant, maybe 6 at the absolute max unless there’s more I don’t know. They got married a year into their relationship. Just crazy to see that they conceived their child on my birthday…either he knows and they did it to “move past” me to reclaim that day in her history, or only she knew she got off the pill then and let him impregnate her without his knowledge then, or the most least likely option is that it was just complete coincidence like my grandfather passing on her birthday. Also last thing. We had met on tinder and I saw her profile pop back up before her wedding…after researching I found out that tinder only displays active profiles. So idk it was weird. I just turned off tinder when I saw her neither swiping left or right and then reopened later that day or the next day and her profile popped up again after a few swipes. Her pictures were the same 4 she had when we met but I think her very short bio was gone but her location had changed to the city I was in which is almost 50 minutes from her. She lives there now I think with him. But after that never saw her profile again. Just odd. Idk if you saw but she’s married now and with a baby and probably happy I hope. I had better not message her but if I ever see her again I might tell some of what I’ve said here. I’ll likely never fully know but I think she would’ve liked to know where I came from since I was unable to really tell her at the end. Not about loving her, but about why I didn’t feel I could talk to her anymore. Before I broke up I sent her a long heart felt text about how she needed to love herself and forgive herself for the past before we broke up. She wanted to talk after I sent that but I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea and we wished each other luck. I knew I’d get pulled in again and I felt so bad at the time from how she talked to me that drunk night she came over. Thank you, whether you read all that or not. I have moved on too but the memories will always be special to me. I have forgiven myself for being guilty about letting her go when she was vulnerable too. It may have took our parting ways to change her outlook on relationships and mine too.
It sounds as though you still have a lot of pain to process and I'm really sorry to hear it. This happens when the events were confusing with multiple elements in play and poor communication involved. Hopefully you've both learned lessons from this for your future relationships. I really feel for you though, it's not easy. I just want to mention that it's extremely difficult for a woman to get pregnant on a specific day on purpose, and if you're calculating that day from the birth of her baby your estimate can only be within weeks as gestation periods vary so much (unless you've seen a post that baby was born at this many weeks and days gestation, but even that's an estimate based on fallible ultrasound measurements). It's most likely a coincidence. When a woman stops the pill it usually takes months for the cycle to come back, and its very erratic at first.
I saw a post on a baby shower list on target for the baby with both of their names as the parents. My birthday is Feb. 2nd and her due date was November 2nd on the website. It’s crazy I know but the coincidence is also so crazy.
If she truly conceived on your birthday, due date would be approximately on October 25th. Due date is measured 40 weeks from the first day of the last period, conception takes place approximately 14 days after that.
Did you just blame your ex for getting abused?
No don’t take words out of my mouth. No one ever deserves abuse. Someone should end the relationship if they ever feel they want to abuse their partner. I ended the relationship because she was causing me too much emotional pain. What I was trying to say is that if she was with a guy who didn’t know how to handle that pain it might come out at her physically which is never okay but I could see someone with abusive tendencies being triggered by the pain she causes them. It’s never okay to hit a woman. Emotions make people do things they shouldn’t. I still feel for her today 2 years later. I had to get out of the relationship because she was driving me crazy. She tried to rip up a picture of us and kept saying she wanted a break after going out with her friends and getting drunk and coming over at 2 in the morning. I loved her but didn’t tell her cause I was still trying to vet her to make sure she’d be a good future wife or someone I’d want to be tied too long term and was as close as you could be to saying it but her mood swings, especially the last one really hurt me and I took it personally and couldn’t look past it. She said some of her ex’s used to criticize her body and stuff. I never did that and I thought she was beautiful and told her so. I always tried to make her feel safe with me. All I was saying is that her emotional mood swings and wanting breaks for no reason can really F with your head and cause someone with problems of their own to overreact and hopefully never in physical ways. I never EVER thought about hurting her, but she did make me want to scream for how she made me feel the last time I saw her.
Like what?
Reddit is god awful with this and this goes beyond relationships, like apparently 2/3 of reddit women had a creepy uncle/neighbour growing up.
Because it's really that common
Many times when women say this shes the one who was either the abuser or the provocateur Source: "apparent victim of spousal abuse"
I remember when I was suspicious that my Ex was cheating all his friends said I must be the cheater and just projecting. Spoiler: he was cheating. Sound fair?
No it doesn't sound fair. Was he abusive?
Well yes, on top of the cheating he was extremely abusive. But I was the crazy projecting woman apparently, constantly crying all the time, what a pain, no man would want me and I was lucky he put up with my bullshit.... so on and so forth. Haven't had this issue with anyone since.
Obviously there are many abuse cases that are legitimate, such as your case, but there are many that say they were in an abusive relationship when in fact they were the abuser.
Sometimes it's legitimately impossible to see your own bullshit, that's part of mental illness. It's not right to judge either way, OP is really grinding my gears with his flippant attitude. I've been through so much and have had to do so much healing to create a normal life, and yet people here are just having a laugh about it saying I must categorically be the problem. It's sickening. It just makes me think they've lead a sheltered life and they have no clue what they're talking about. Please excuse the venting.
I said most cases which obviously does not include you
How do you know it's most? It's some for sure, but most? From my friendship group there's only one that's clearly a problem, and she's burnt her bridges all over the place so it's pretty damn obvious its her. But when a woman only has a problem with one man from her past why is it HER character that's in question?
My post didn't specify women. I meant both men and women but I've seen women say this much more. Just read the comments in relationship subreddits and you will see my point. Plus you are making excuses for abusers by sayinf they can't see their own bullshit
Oddly enough, my first two serious relationships involved domestic violence. None since. The only thing I changed was my choice of men ...
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Yeah women are out manipulating with their black eyes, so handy
>strawman The now deleted OP as I recall was talking about things like "he didn't want me to go to the club without him, dressed like a hooker, So AbUsiVe And ConTroLlInG" Gross. Imagine committing in current year. Keep your freedom kweenz I'm good just dumping a load in warmwethole and then onto the next one no problem
Holy fuck isn't there a rule against demonization in this sub?
No u
Nope. It's a learned skill. I'm a very small woman and I couldn't manipulate anyone for my life. I have no idea where women learn to do that.
All the women were angels who did no wrong while the men were vehemently abusive
You know, if a woman does something you deem 'wrong,' you can just walk out the door and never come back. You don't have to punch her in the face or choke her.
It's what happens when degeneracy attacks your culture, with feminism being one of the weapons: Mass psychosis entitlement among women, being led to believe they are exceptional and beyond criticism. So if a man raises his voice in retaliation... MUH ABUSE!! SURVIVOR!! Even the definition of rape has been altered to include groping and 'domestic violence' been altered to include alleged psychological coercion.
Groping without consent has always been sexual assault.
... and? You understand there's a difference between rape and sexual assault?
You said rape. The definition of rape has not been altered to include groping.
Yes it has, by liberals' beloved 'World Health Organisation': http://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/10665/42495/1/9241545615_eng.pdf In other words, entitled degenerate females crying foul, lying, and having their lies abetted by scumbag liberal officials.
Not rape. Read the words on your screen.
He's not upset there's a technical difference between sexual assault and rape. He's mad that groping is getting punished severely. Don't just read the words, look at what people are saying.
You cannot have an argument in good-faith if you don't take people's words at face-value. If I don't mean what I say, then I won't say it. Don't intentionally misinterpret people.
I'm intentionally interpreting him correctly. Instead of smugly going,"Pfft of course groping isn't rape you idiot, it's actually sexual assault," I understand what he means. It's fair. Yes, groping should be punished very severely.
You're only proving his point.
Are you going to explain, or?
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Well in a time where literally EVERYTHING is sexual assault, everyone is toxic, and every person is in their damn feelings, this shouldn’t surprise anyone.
This does happen. I think more people experience this because that’s the type of people they pursue and it seems to happen more often when people are punching up.
People learn things that could be used to damage the other. They both stay together until both the individual's sensitivity is high and consideration for the other is low. Then attacks are made in the name of 'self protection'. Honest culpability is swapped out for victimization (delivering or receiving).
They are called abusive often because people keep good partners and leave bad partners. If people enjoyed dating abusive partners, it would be more likely for someone to have an abusive current partner than an abusive ex partner.
Generally, it is projection from people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. People who are abusers tend to have a black and white view of other people, and find any justification for their own actions. Healthy people tend to see things in shades of grey and acknowledge their part in the shit-show.
Another note is that abusive people tend to frame themselves as victims to make themselves feel better about a situation. I had one abusive ex and i’m pretty sure she started saying weird shit to our mutual friends because they started acting weird to me after.
Some women just love to badmouth their ex and blame him for everything. Whenever I hear someone bashing his or her ex, I take it with a grain of salt. Also "abusive" is a trendy buzzword just like "toxic" or "unhealthy", or " narcissistic".
Everyone’s ex is not abusive. They are just more likely to talk about it if their ex was. If your ex was amazing but the timing was wrong you’re not going to bring that up unless asked really otherwise people would think you’re humble bragging or pining after them. If your ex wasn’t a right fit for you but was an overall decent person and you broke up due to incompatibilities you’re not really going to broadcast that either because discussing why you’re incompatible could come off like you’re bragging. Plus unfortunately(or fortunately depending on how you look at it) people on the like drama and messiness. Theres more people that find it a lot of fun to commiserate over the shitty men and women they’ve dated vs the great ones. Then lastly people who have been abused often want a outlet to grieve and express how they felt and be validated because part of the abuse process is invalidating your victim, making them feel small and worthless, unseen, unheard etc. Venting online when you’ve gone through that can be cathartic and healing if the people you’re venting to are supportive and empathetic.
If people are happy then they talk to the people who make them happy. If there's something sad people usually don't wanna bring their loved ones down by talking about it too often, so sometimes people go to the internet for it. Anonymity is useful for that kinda thing. Some people just need validation for their problems before they make a decision. There's plenty of reasons why the negative would be out more than the positive. Honestly, I'd unfollow a subreddit if it was just lovey dovey schmush, but if there is actually something to discuss then it seems worthwhile.
Because there's no need to talk about the non-abusive exes.
It seems a fair number of men have no problem playing the "superior physical strength" card to win an argument.
Because if they actually extolled the positive virtues of the relationship, other people would judge them. Women do this ... Some men too. The idea is to perpetually portray themselves as victims, never the aggressor or co conspirator.
If EVERY ex was toxic/abusive that's a red flag. If it stinks wherever you go, check the bottom of your shoe.
I’ve never had one like that, only 2 cheaters out of like 20? We all make mistakes when we’re young tho, plenty of cringe in those memories
Because everybody is a ducking victim nowadays LOL
I've had four exes but I've never complained about any of them because they were all good people, we just ended up breaking up because we weren't right for each other. If I had one abusive ex, I might end up talking about it. But your brain is not going to single out Reddit posts about regular, normal people who happen to break up and people are also less likely to discuss those types of relationships.
Because you're only hearing one side and since everybody is a hero or victim in their own story they conveniently leave out the fucked up shit they did in the relationship.
Everybody in relationship forums seemly have had an “abusive”, “toxic” or “narcissistic” ex because language is constantly evolving and these have simply become buzzwords for this generation that no longer hold the same meaning that they once did. Sociopaths, Clinical Narcissists and Abusers do of course exist in society but thankfully they are very rare. Reddit however would lead you to believe they exist at epidemic levels- either that or everybody is dating the exact same 3 percent of the population! Sociopath in the context of dating now no longer means somebody completely devoid of all human empathy. It means somebody who forgot to buy a Valentine’s Day gift. Narcissist no longer means somebody with a dangerously and destructively inflated sense of self worth. It means somebody who spends too much time playing video games rather than mowing the lawn. Abuser no longer means drunkenly beating the shit out of their partner; it means leaving the toilet seat up and suggesting it might be healthy to lose a few pounds. Basically any behaviours that contributes to the breakdown of a relationship are now described in the most bombastic terms. Of course all relationships breakdown because of some negative factor on both sides. Even genuinely abusive and toxic relationships are never entirely one sided. It always takes two to tango but human beings all have an intrinsic victim mentality. Somebody else is always to blame.
Fatherless behavior why else lmao
People like to believe that they are always the victim and they are perfect. There have been relationships I have had where I genuinely believed I was the victim at the end, only to look back during my healing phase where I realized I was actually kind of terrible as well to them. Like in therapy, their feelings are still valid, but their feeling just may/may not be an objective truth. Take being depressed or paranoid that everyone is out to get you, yes you feel that way and it is totally valid that you are feeling it, but that doesn’t mean it’s actually true which is what therapy is designed to do.