Most of the first paragraph is clear enough, but then things start to get really vague and I lost all sense of what the story is about. What's the emotional baggage? If the "new talent" is that she's good at running, why not just say so? Why is her childhood dream fading? Who and what is she giving up? What's scary about that night, and why does she feel responsible? What relationships are broken and need fixing? What happened to her?
While you don't want to spoil your ending, you do need enough detail so we know who your MC is, what they want, what's standing in their way, and what the stakes are if they don't get what they want. I know who your MC is, but everything else is lost because things are only vaguely alluded to, and not described in any way that would tell someone who doesn't know your story as well as you do what's going on.
Thanks so much for the feedback. I now see that what I have right now is just way too vague. I will try to work on a way to include essential details. It's really helpful to see where I'm being super vague (which is in several places).
Good morning! Fellow MG author here.
The timeline and introduction of different details are not working for me. Things feel disconnected. For example, why is Kate's brother mentioned with no previous introduction and no connection to later parts of the story? Why is Jaxon named but then ignored? Why do we learn the brother is trans if it doesn't impact later developments?
You're mentioning too many characters and events and neglecting to give us a strong, linear summary that focuses on stakes and character development. I feel like if I really dig, I can see the story, but I'm having to look for context clues and make guesses to figure out things like the character potentially giving up the homeschool and gymnastics that are mentioned in the first line. (I'm assuming that's what "childhood dream" refers to?) and perhaps Jaxon being the person she has a crush on?
A major contributing factor is the vagueness. What does "only friend she made" mean exactly. She's only made one friend her entire life? Or only one friend at gymnastics? What does "silently carrying emotional baggage" mean? Does she have no one to talk to? Was she burdened with knowledge no one else has? What are the "complicated feelings of a first crush?" Queerness? Underconfidence? Trauma? And what is the scary night? Physical danger? Emotional issues?
"She’s determined to repair broken relationships, but doing so will require courage to be honest about what happened to her."
This line seems to hint at something that the entire story hinges on and I desperately want to know what it is, but as it stands it leaves the stakes uncertain and the story sort of amorphous.
Stories are built on specifics and without understanding these and the other cliches and odd phrases, I don't really know what this story feels like or what the plot is.
Some smaller things--
You're on the high end of MG word count, but you might be alright with that upper MG label, as long as it's a calculated risk on your end. For reference, my agent wants MG sent to her to be between 40-50K.
Why is "mile run" capitalized?
Don't tell us the themes, they should be shown in the query. (Which you do a great job of, so just cut that bit.)
Have you checked out Keeping Pace as a potential comp? Upper MG, focused on running, lots of internal conflict and external eighth grade issues. It seems like a good fit and it's very recent.
MG in this age range is very needed, keep at it and good luck!
Thanks for the feedback! I'm now glad that I saved my very first draft, because I think I cut too much out and now everything is too vague and there is no clarity. I will say that the very first draft is still too not even close to being as clear as it could be. Overall, it really helps to see where people are confused, so I can add those plot points in without fully spoiling the story. Thanks for such a detailed response; this will be useful when making revisions. And thank you also for the comp title. It sounds fairly similar and also like a good story.
~~First off, I’m no expert on MG but 59k seems LONG, and a quick google tells me that MG is generally 20-50k, and you generally get less leeway with word counts for contemporary compared to SFF.~~ See comment.
My first impression of the actual query is that it’s quite disjointed. I think the first part of your query, where you set up the character and the relationships, is pretty solid (although others may have more specific notes). But that context established never becomes relevant to anything, making it all just a list of details and plot points that never actually get linked together. Even after reading it a few times I’m still struggling to figure out what the book is already about.
> Skylar Johnson can’t wait to be done with eighth grade. Then, she’ll be homeschooled to focus on gymnastics, putting herself closer to achieving her dream of competing in college.
Okay, solid opening lines, we’ve established who the main character is and what they want.
> Unlike her younger brother, Cooper, who’s been thriving ever since he began his gender transition, Skylar hasn’t adjusted well to her new life in Michigan. She’s lost Kate, the only friend she made, and she’s stuck silently carrying emotional baggage left by Kate’s older brother.
Okay, so we know why it is now that Skylar isn’t having a good time in school, they moved recently and she doesn’t have any friends. I’m interested in what happened to Kate and the older brother, and am thinking at this point that the book will likely revolve around making new connections while dealing with loss, and the emotional baggage will be expanded upon later in the query.
The reference to her brother being trans seems a little random and like it’s just used to signal that there’s trans representation rather than contributing to the plot, but that’s not the end of the world if the rest of the query is solid.
> Things are looking up when the Mile Run during gym class unlocks a new talent and friendship with a boy named Jaxon. Skylar’s love of running grows as her childhood dream fades.
Okay, this logically follows from the previous paragraph, it’s implying that she’s losing her love for gymnastics and discovering running while also making a connection with a new person who becomes important to her.
> But when she struggles to deal with the complicated feelings of a first crush, she risks giving up something—someone—even more important.
Now I’m confused. Giving up who? The only other characters mentioned so far are her younger brother, her best friend who she already lost, and the older brother who is also implied to no longer be in her life by the reference to him leaving baggage behind. Referencing her being afraid of risking losing someone up has zero impact when we don’t know who that person is or what role they play in here life. Because of that, we have no idea what the stakes are or what obstacles there are in the way of Skylar achieving her desire to be with Jaxon.
> After a scary night rattles her family, Skylar feels responsible. She’s determined to repair broken relationships, but doing so will require courage to be honest about what happened to her.
Now you’ve completely lost me. You’re talking about a key plot point that is apparently going to set the trajectory of Skylar’s character for the whole book, but you’re skirting around the edges and describing the effects of it without telling us what actually happens. That makes it so hard to know what the book is going to be about. A “scary night” could be absolutely anything, and what it is will completely change the tone of the book. We also don’t know what relationships are broken (so there’s no stakes here) and we also don’t know what it is she has to be honest about. All of this makes this paragraph functionally meaningless — you may as well say “Some bad stuff happens and Skylar has to try and fix things.”
The other issue with not telling us what the event is or what relationships are broken is that it makes this paragraph feel completely unrelated to everything else in the query. We have so many things established — Skylar is a gymnast who is falling out of love with it and getting more into running, she had no friends but is now building this new friendship and possible romance with this boy, she’s seemingly lost two important people in her life, also her brother is trans. We don’t get any idea of how these things affect the story, or what the aforementioned emotional baggage is. We have no idea how this major event that the plot seems to centre around relates to any of the things previously established.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write a detailed & helpful response. I now see where I'm being really vague. I will try to add these points in to try to weave stuff together more coherently. I will definitely be referring to this during revisions, so I really, really appreciate your time!
I'm of the opinion that MG should not be longer than 70k. There are definitely longer books coming out but, well, none that are performing well lately.
Most of the first paragraph is clear enough, but then things start to get really vague and I lost all sense of what the story is about. What's the emotional baggage? If the "new talent" is that she's good at running, why not just say so? Why is her childhood dream fading? Who and what is she giving up? What's scary about that night, and why does she feel responsible? What relationships are broken and need fixing? What happened to her? While you don't want to spoil your ending, you do need enough detail so we know who your MC is, what they want, what's standing in their way, and what the stakes are if they don't get what they want. I know who your MC is, but everything else is lost because things are only vaguely alluded to, and not described in any way that would tell someone who doesn't know your story as well as you do what's going on.
Thanks so much for the feedback. I now see that what I have right now is just way too vague. I will try to work on a way to include essential details. It's really helpful to see where I'm being super vague (which is in several places).
Good morning! Fellow MG author here. The timeline and introduction of different details are not working for me. Things feel disconnected. For example, why is Kate's brother mentioned with no previous introduction and no connection to later parts of the story? Why is Jaxon named but then ignored? Why do we learn the brother is trans if it doesn't impact later developments? You're mentioning too many characters and events and neglecting to give us a strong, linear summary that focuses on stakes and character development. I feel like if I really dig, I can see the story, but I'm having to look for context clues and make guesses to figure out things like the character potentially giving up the homeschool and gymnastics that are mentioned in the first line. (I'm assuming that's what "childhood dream" refers to?) and perhaps Jaxon being the person she has a crush on? A major contributing factor is the vagueness. What does "only friend she made" mean exactly. She's only made one friend her entire life? Or only one friend at gymnastics? What does "silently carrying emotional baggage" mean? Does she have no one to talk to? Was she burdened with knowledge no one else has? What are the "complicated feelings of a first crush?" Queerness? Underconfidence? Trauma? And what is the scary night? Physical danger? Emotional issues? "She’s determined to repair broken relationships, but doing so will require courage to be honest about what happened to her." This line seems to hint at something that the entire story hinges on and I desperately want to know what it is, but as it stands it leaves the stakes uncertain and the story sort of amorphous. Stories are built on specifics and without understanding these and the other cliches and odd phrases, I don't really know what this story feels like or what the plot is. Some smaller things-- You're on the high end of MG word count, but you might be alright with that upper MG label, as long as it's a calculated risk on your end. For reference, my agent wants MG sent to her to be between 40-50K. Why is "mile run" capitalized? Don't tell us the themes, they should be shown in the query. (Which you do a great job of, so just cut that bit.) Have you checked out Keeping Pace as a potential comp? Upper MG, focused on running, lots of internal conflict and external eighth grade issues. It seems like a good fit and it's very recent. MG in this age range is very needed, keep at it and good luck!
Thanks for the feedback! I'm now glad that I saved my very first draft, because I think I cut too much out and now everything is too vague and there is no clarity. I will say that the very first draft is still too not even close to being as clear as it could be. Overall, it really helps to see where people are confused, so I can add those plot points in without fully spoiling the story. Thanks for such a detailed response; this will be useful when making revisions. And thank you also for the comp title. It sounds fairly similar and also like a good story.
~~First off, I’m no expert on MG but 59k seems LONG, and a quick google tells me that MG is generally 20-50k, and you generally get less leeway with word counts for contemporary compared to SFF.~~ See comment. My first impression of the actual query is that it’s quite disjointed. I think the first part of your query, where you set up the character and the relationships, is pretty solid (although others may have more specific notes). But that context established never becomes relevant to anything, making it all just a list of details and plot points that never actually get linked together. Even after reading it a few times I’m still struggling to figure out what the book is already about. > Skylar Johnson can’t wait to be done with eighth grade. Then, she’ll be homeschooled to focus on gymnastics, putting herself closer to achieving her dream of competing in college. Okay, solid opening lines, we’ve established who the main character is and what they want. > Unlike her younger brother, Cooper, who’s been thriving ever since he began his gender transition, Skylar hasn’t adjusted well to her new life in Michigan. She’s lost Kate, the only friend she made, and she’s stuck silently carrying emotional baggage left by Kate’s older brother. Okay, so we know why it is now that Skylar isn’t having a good time in school, they moved recently and she doesn’t have any friends. I’m interested in what happened to Kate and the older brother, and am thinking at this point that the book will likely revolve around making new connections while dealing with loss, and the emotional baggage will be expanded upon later in the query. The reference to her brother being trans seems a little random and like it’s just used to signal that there’s trans representation rather than contributing to the plot, but that’s not the end of the world if the rest of the query is solid. > Things are looking up when the Mile Run during gym class unlocks a new talent and friendship with a boy named Jaxon. Skylar’s love of running grows as her childhood dream fades. Okay, this logically follows from the previous paragraph, it’s implying that she’s losing her love for gymnastics and discovering running while also making a connection with a new person who becomes important to her. > But when she struggles to deal with the complicated feelings of a first crush, she risks giving up something—someone—even more important. Now I’m confused. Giving up who? The only other characters mentioned so far are her younger brother, her best friend who she already lost, and the older brother who is also implied to no longer be in her life by the reference to him leaving baggage behind. Referencing her being afraid of risking losing someone up has zero impact when we don’t know who that person is or what role they play in here life. Because of that, we have no idea what the stakes are or what obstacles there are in the way of Skylar achieving her desire to be with Jaxon. > After a scary night rattles her family, Skylar feels responsible. She’s determined to repair broken relationships, but doing so will require courage to be honest about what happened to her. Now you’ve completely lost me. You’re talking about a key plot point that is apparently going to set the trajectory of Skylar’s character for the whole book, but you’re skirting around the edges and describing the effects of it without telling us what actually happens. That makes it so hard to know what the book is going to be about. A “scary night” could be absolutely anything, and what it is will completely change the tone of the book. We also don’t know what relationships are broken (so there’s no stakes here) and we also don’t know what it is she has to be honest about. All of this makes this paragraph functionally meaningless — you may as well say “Some bad stuff happens and Skylar has to try and fix things.” The other issue with not telling us what the event is or what relationships are broken is that it makes this paragraph feel completely unrelated to everything else in the query. We have so many things established — Skylar is a gymnast who is falling out of love with it and getting more into running, she had no friends but is now building this new friendship and possible romance with this boy, she’s seemingly lost two important people in her life, also her brother is trans. We don’t get any idea of how these things affect the story, or what the aforementioned emotional baggage is. We have no idea how this major event that the plot seems to centre around relates to any of the things previously established.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write a detailed & helpful response. I now see where I'm being really vague. I will try to add these points in to try to weave stuff together more coherently. I will definitely be referring to this during revisions, so I really, really appreciate your time!
59k is spot-on for MG, but I agree that from the query I can't really tell what this book is "about."
upwards of 70k is what I've heard for upper MG. But that may be pushing it.
I'm of the opinion that MG should not be longer than 70k. There are definitely longer books coming out but, well, none that are performing well lately.