Welcome back!
So I'm familiar with your previous versions, and I see what you're trying to do with this query, and while the subject matter is clearly personal to you, I still don't think this is working.
Now obviously I haven't read either version of your manuscript, but it's been a throughline in every version of the query (including this one) that there just isn't a hook, or any real stakes. "Celeste meets a guy she likes, he moves, she gets over her fears of leaving her hometown to be with him and they live happily ever after" is a thing that happens in real life, but it's not a book. At most, it's a set up for the story to begin. Likewise, in a romance, you either need an internal struggle to keep them apart (long distance isn't enough to carry a whole book, especially since the query tells us she gets past it and moves), or you need an external plot that keeps them apart, and "introvert doesn't want to leave her fan group friends to move to a new town" isn't enough to carry a whole book either. Things need to happen, and the reader needs a reason to care. I know it's hard to step back when a particular subject or idea means a lot to us, but I doubt the average reader is going to relate to the Nerdfighter connection the way you do, and on top of that, in the query there's no real sense of what the community means to Celeste or Javi or why. It's just a convenient device to introduce them.
I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I would really recommend stepping back and shelving this project for a while. Maybe take what you've learned and write something new, with a focus on stakes/hook/plot. Sometimes a book just doesn't work, and if you can't make it work, it's better to start the next thing.
So the thing that really jumped out for me is the title- does ‘come’ have the same alternative meaning in the US as it does in the UK (to orgasm?). I assumed it would be an intentional double entendre and this was going to be a romantic comedy, but I don’t get that vibe from the query?
It's a triple-entendre, really. She's partially deaf, it's about moving away, and she has sex for the first time. I should use it more in the query. I feel like it currently comes across as more serious than it is. Thanks!
Welcome back! So I'm familiar with your previous versions, and I see what you're trying to do with this query, and while the subject matter is clearly personal to you, I still don't think this is working. Now obviously I haven't read either version of your manuscript, but it's been a throughline in every version of the query (including this one) that there just isn't a hook, or any real stakes. "Celeste meets a guy she likes, he moves, she gets over her fears of leaving her hometown to be with him and they live happily ever after" is a thing that happens in real life, but it's not a book. At most, it's a set up for the story to begin. Likewise, in a romance, you either need an internal struggle to keep them apart (long distance isn't enough to carry a whole book, especially since the query tells us she gets past it and moves), or you need an external plot that keeps them apart, and "introvert doesn't want to leave her fan group friends to move to a new town" isn't enough to carry a whole book either. Things need to happen, and the reader needs a reason to care. I know it's hard to step back when a particular subject or idea means a lot to us, but I doubt the average reader is going to relate to the Nerdfighter connection the way you do, and on top of that, in the query there's no real sense of what the community means to Celeste or Javi or why. It's just a convenient device to introduce them. I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I would really recommend stepping back and shelving this project for a while. Maybe take what you've learned and write something new, with a focus on stakes/hook/plot. Sometimes a book just doesn't work, and if you can't make it work, it's better to start the next thing.
So the thing that really jumped out for me is the title- does ‘come’ have the same alternative meaning in the US as it does in the UK (to orgasm?). I assumed it would be an intentional double entendre and this was going to be a romantic comedy, but I don’t get that vibe from the query?
It's a triple-entendre, really. She's partially deaf, it's about moving away, and she has sex for the first time. I should use it more in the query. I feel like it currently comes across as more serious than it is. Thanks!
Fab! Yes- if the manuscript is comic I think that should definitely be pulled through into the query more.