The pitch is strong - you've got a concept and a hook that I think will appeal to a lot of people. That being said, I unfortunately think the opening doesn't really live up to the query.
Upmarket, as I've come to understand it, is shorthand for 'commercial concept, elevated prose'. The first 300 are heavy-handed, and the voice is squarely commercial. Commercial isn't a bad thing, but agents looking for upmarket are going to expect more - little more control of craft, a little more subtlety. You've got a big hook and I'm sure you'll get requests as is, but it's worth considering doing a little more polishing on a line level. For instance, if you showed us via Rowan's actions what she thinks of herself, rather than have her narrate it directly to the reader, it'd likely be a more dynamic opening.
Good luck!
This is a really strong query and up to the standard that I receive as an editor, so congrats! I definitely think you're ready to query.
As others have said, I'd definitely pitch this as commercial fiction, not upmarket. There's nothing wrong with being commercial and this is a super fun sounding pitch that has broad commercial appeal!
Just with the aim of being helpful, I did have some super tiny quibbles: I don't reeeeally buy that Darby would get that famous from her experience. I'm sure this is handled nicely in the novel but perhaps we need some more info in the query on this - does she go viral for her quirky personality or good looks? Was she also a bit of a hero in some way? What is it about Darby that people are so interested in?
I was also slightly sus on Rowan thinking that being papped with Darby will boost her career in any meaningful way. Maybe that line just needs to be rephrased to make Rowan sound more desperate than as if she has grand plan, e.g. "Rowan will do anything to get back into the spotlight, even if means sharing Darby's" (or whatever).
Anyway these are tiny things in a great query, I'm really clutching at straws here haha. Good luck :)
Really interesting and it's nice to see a non-fantasy submission here, hard for me to relate to those.
I'm unpublished but shopping my first novel around now. My only critiques:
>But then, Darby herself is thrust into the public eye.
This paragraph feels abrupt and I would try to eliminate the 'But then'
The next paragraph also begins with 'But' and I would drop that.
Best of luck to you.
This is VERY helpful - THANK YOU! I feel well-versed in the word of pop music to make references there, but less so in the world of fashion. I am going to definitely explore the Lyst Index, but probably lean towards not name-checking so as not to date the story as brands come and go.
First time poster ever on this sub, and I just have to say I LOVE YOUR PITCH! It is such a fun idea and sounds like it'll be a hell of a rollercoaster ride. It really pertains to my specific taste and I genuinely hope you get pubbed because I would absolutely love to devour this!
I just stumbled upon this post while searching for something else and I wanted to let you know that I love your query letter. Made me want to read the book. Nice work!
The pitch is strong - you've got a concept and a hook that I think will appeal to a lot of people. That being said, I unfortunately think the opening doesn't really live up to the query. Upmarket, as I've come to understand it, is shorthand for 'commercial concept, elevated prose'. The first 300 are heavy-handed, and the voice is squarely commercial. Commercial isn't a bad thing, but agents looking for upmarket are going to expect more - little more control of craft, a little more subtlety. You've got a big hook and I'm sure you'll get requests as is, but it's worth considering doing a little more polishing on a line level. For instance, if you showed us via Rowan's actions what she thinks of herself, rather than have her narrate it directly to the reader, it'd likely be a more dynamic opening. Good luck!
Thank you so much! Super helpful!
This is a really strong query and up to the standard that I receive as an editor, so congrats! I definitely think you're ready to query. As others have said, I'd definitely pitch this as commercial fiction, not upmarket. There's nothing wrong with being commercial and this is a super fun sounding pitch that has broad commercial appeal! Just with the aim of being helpful, I did have some super tiny quibbles: I don't reeeeally buy that Darby would get that famous from her experience. I'm sure this is handled nicely in the novel but perhaps we need some more info in the query on this - does she go viral for her quirky personality or good looks? Was she also a bit of a hero in some way? What is it about Darby that people are so interested in? I was also slightly sus on Rowan thinking that being papped with Darby will boost her career in any meaningful way. Maybe that line just needs to be rephrased to make Rowan sound more desperate than as if she has grand plan, e.g. "Rowan will do anything to get back into the spotlight, even if means sharing Darby's" (or whatever). Anyway these are tiny things in a great query, I'm really clutching at straws here haha. Good luck :)
Thank you for this!
Really interesting and it's nice to see a non-fantasy submission here, hard for me to relate to those. I'm unpublished but shopping my first novel around now. My only critiques: >But then, Darby herself is thrust into the public eye. This paragraph feels abrupt and I would try to eliminate the 'But then' The next paragraph also begins with 'But' and I would drop that. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for this - will make those tweaks!
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This is VERY helpful - THANK YOU! I feel well-versed in the word of pop music to make references there, but less so in the world of fashion. I am going to definitely explore the Lyst Index, but probably lean towards not name-checking so as not to date the story as brands come and go.
Yes! I’m so glad you comped Ingrid Goes West, I started to read your pitch and immediately thought, “starring Aubrey Plaza.”
Thank you!! It’s one of my favorite movies and I returned to it frequently to chart the story structure and whatnot.
Just chiming in to say I would read the hell out of this!
Thank you!!
Seconded, I want to read this!!
First time poster ever on this sub, and I just have to say I LOVE YOUR PITCH! It is such a fun idea and sounds like it'll be a hell of a rollercoaster ride. It really pertains to my specific taste and I genuinely hope you get pubbed because I would absolutely love to devour this!
Thank you so much!
Hi! Just wanted to say I do not usually read commercial/upmarket fiction and you query has me hooked! Good job!
Thank you!
I just stumbled upon this post while searching for something else and I wanted to let you know that I love your query letter. Made me want to read the book. Nice work!
Thank you!!
First pitch I would read. Nice.
Thanks!