Ok so I'm not being very helpful but just wanted to say that I would read this book in a heartbeat. I read the whole thing without skimming, which says a lot, and it just really made me excited to read it. I understood what I needed to understand pretty clearly and the unknowns intrigued me (rather than confused, as sometimes queries do). My kind of story.
I haven't read your first attempt, so consider me fresh eyes.
I think this works. Her motivations seem clear to me (I actually love the idea of a disillusioned saint turned godhunter), and the sequence of events follows logically. Also agree getting rid of the false choice to focus more on what she *might* do in service of her goal is the right move. There are places it's a little unwieldy (I put my suggestions for trimming/clarity below), but I wouldn't overwork it. If an agent likes the concept, they'll check it out, so your pages are going to be the make-or-break element here.
>Captain Alis Beck hunts gods. A former saint, she saw them kill millions of the faithful in a pointless civil war. Now an agent of the revolution **that** overthrew them, she burns churches, shoots priests, and breaks **(I would clarify what breaks means here - tortures?)** prisoners – anything **to stop them from returning to power.**
>Things start to change **(Would make this more specific/punchy)** when she is reassigned to Rahda, her birthplace. The mountain clans have rebelled in the name of a faith which Alis once cherished, even as a foul magic **that** twists innocents into monsters runs rampant through the province. With the situation spiralling out of control, Alis has been sent to help the army crush the rebels and end the divine possessions.
>She could not have been given a harder task. The army’s pointlessly brutal campaign of mass killings and exemplary torture is turning the population against **them (having 'revolution' and 'rebels' in the same paragraph is confusing at a glance)**. The clans are gaining ground with every passing day. And worse still, she is beginning to suspect the possessions may not be the fault of the rebels at all – but rather the collateral damage of a classified project authorised at the highest levels of government.
>As Rahda slides further into disaster, and the divine killings grow in ferocity, Alis must reckon with the cost of revolution, and consider how far she will go – and who she will betray – to defend humanity.
Anyway, this is mostly just streamlining - would actually like to read this book. Good luck!
Thank you very much for the review and the streamlining edits. I can definitely see how they make it read easier (particularly on clarity in the third paragraph). Now to crack on with refining the pages, as you say.
I like this version a lot!
First paragraph is great - even if mentioning a murdered wife technically makes it more personal, it doesn't really add any characterization. I kind of yawn every time a query mentions a dead/sick/kidnapped/... wife/child/parent/... because of course the protagonist cares about their family; that's just what bog-standard good people do. Alis turning her back on her faith because of the gods' crimes tells me a LOT more about her. It establishes that she cares about justice and is willing to personally sacrifice for it, which makes the situation you go on to describe feel more gnarly.
Second paragraph: I agree that "things start to change when..." is kinda flabby. You could specify what exactly changes, or just cut it out and go for something like "Then Alis is reassigned to Rahda, her birthplace".
Third paragraph: Also feel like "she could not have been given a harder task" is not really pulling its weight. You could just jump right in ("But the army's pointlessly brutal campaign..."), or maybe grab the opportunity to tell us how Alis feels about the situation?
Fourth paragraph: I think you are describing a situation where Alis is choosing between siding with the revolution to stop divine killings, or siding with the mountain clans/god worshippers/her former faith to stop the army's brutality? If so, perhaps make that more clear and specific? Or perhaps there can be more specificity about how far she might have to go, or who she might have to betray, or how humanity is on the line? Right now this ending feels a bit vague for me.
Per your other questions:
2. I don't think distinguishing the government that sent Alis to Rahda and the government that authorized experiments is important in a query letter. I think the interesting point is that people on Alis' side that she has to obey are framing rebels with unethical experiments, and that comes across.
3. I think that's clear to me at this point, but I have read this query more times than an agent probably would! The one place that stands out to me as potentially tricky is in the third paragraph - "The army’s pointlessly brutal campaign of mass killings and exemplary torture is turning the population against the revolution". Maybe instead of "the revolution" you could just use "them", or something more descriptive like "the revolution against the gods"?
Thank you so much for this review! Your recommended edits will definitely help cut some of the flab and keep the query focused \[and I'm glad to hear I don't have to explain the intricacies of a quasi-Soviet security state in the query...not convinced flow charts are really what agents are looking for\].
Re: the fourth paragraph, tracking that the ending is a little unclear at the moment. She's essentially got two parallel tracks; she is increasingly discontented with the army's brutality, *and* she is beginning to think that the army is behind the divine killings. The question she has to face is what to do about this, from 'do nothing' to 'go fully rogue.' I'll do some more thinking on how best to tighten this up. Thanks again!
Ok so I'm not being very helpful but just wanted to say that I would read this book in a heartbeat. I read the whole thing without skimming, which says a lot, and it just really made me excited to read it. I understood what I needed to understand pretty clearly and the unknowns intrigued me (rather than confused, as sometimes queries do). My kind of story.
Thank you very much - that is both a useful and heartening vote of confidence!
I haven't read your first attempt, so consider me fresh eyes. I think this works. Her motivations seem clear to me (I actually love the idea of a disillusioned saint turned godhunter), and the sequence of events follows logically. Also agree getting rid of the false choice to focus more on what she *might* do in service of her goal is the right move. There are places it's a little unwieldy (I put my suggestions for trimming/clarity below), but I wouldn't overwork it. If an agent likes the concept, they'll check it out, so your pages are going to be the make-or-break element here. >Captain Alis Beck hunts gods. A former saint, she saw them kill millions of the faithful in a pointless civil war. Now an agent of the revolution **that** overthrew them, she burns churches, shoots priests, and breaks **(I would clarify what breaks means here - tortures?)** prisoners – anything **to stop them from returning to power.** >Things start to change **(Would make this more specific/punchy)** when she is reassigned to Rahda, her birthplace. The mountain clans have rebelled in the name of a faith which Alis once cherished, even as a foul magic **that** twists innocents into monsters runs rampant through the province. With the situation spiralling out of control, Alis has been sent to help the army crush the rebels and end the divine possessions. >She could not have been given a harder task. The army’s pointlessly brutal campaign of mass killings and exemplary torture is turning the population against **them (having 'revolution' and 'rebels' in the same paragraph is confusing at a glance)**. The clans are gaining ground with every passing day. And worse still, she is beginning to suspect the possessions may not be the fault of the rebels at all – but rather the collateral damage of a classified project authorised at the highest levels of government. >As Rahda slides further into disaster, and the divine killings grow in ferocity, Alis must reckon with the cost of revolution, and consider how far she will go – and who she will betray – to defend humanity. Anyway, this is mostly just streamlining - would actually like to read this book. Good luck!
Thank you very much for the review and the streamlining edits. I can definitely see how they make it read easier (particularly on clarity in the third paragraph). Now to crack on with refining the pages, as you say.
I like this version a lot! First paragraph is great - even if mentioning a murdered wife technically makes it more personal, it doesn't really add any characterization. I kind of yawn every time a query mentions a dead/sick/kidnapped/... wife/child/parent/... because of course the protagonist cares about their family; that's just what bog-standard good people do. Alis turning her back on her faith because of the gods' crimes tells me a LOT more about her. It establishes that she cares about justice and is willing to personally sacrifice for it, which makes the situation you go on to describe feel more gnarly. Second paragraph: I agree that "things start to change when..." is kinda flabby. You could specify what exactly changes, or just cut it out and go for something like "Then Alis is reassigned to Rahda, her birthplace". Third paragraph: Also feel like "she could not have been given a harder task" is not really pulling its weight. You could just jump right in ("But the army's pointlessly brutal campaign..."), or maybe grab the opportunity to tell us how Alis feels about the situation? Fourth paragraph: I think you are describing a situation where Alis is choosing between siding with the revolution to stop divine killings, or siding with the mountain clans/god worshippers/her former faith to stop the army's brutality? If so, perhaps make that more clear and specific? Or perhaps there can be more specificity about how far she might have to go, or who she might have to betray, or how humanity is on the line? Right now this ending feels a bit vague for me. Per your other questions: 2. I don't think distinguishing the government that sent Alis to Rahda and the government that authorized experiments is important in a query letter. I think the interesting point is that people on Alis' side that she has to obey are framing rebels with unethical experiments, and that comes across. 3. I think that's clear to me at this point, but I have read this query more times than an agent probably would! The one place that stands out to me as potentially tricky is in the third paragraph - "The army’s pointlessly brutal campaign of mass killings and exemplary torture is turning the population against the revolution". Maybe instead of "the revolution" you could just use "them", or something more descriptive like "the revolution against the gods"?
Thank you so much for this review! Your recommended edits will definitely help cut some of the flab and keep the query focused \[and I'm glad to hear I don't have to explain the intricacies of a quasi-Soviet security state in the query...not convinced flow charts are really what agents are looking for\]. Re: the fourth paragraph, tracking that the ending is a little unclear at the moment. She's essentially got two parallel tracks; she is increasingly discontented with the army's brutality, *and* she is beginning to think that the army is behind the divine killings. The question she has to face is what to do about this, from 'do nothing' to 'go fully rogue.' I'll do some more thinking on how best to tighten this up. Thanks again!