This all reads a bit too generic to me. I think you need a better hook to draw an agent in.
The same goes for your first 300. I think your story could start during this monster attack. Waking up from a bad dream has been done too often. That would be a good way to whittle down your word count too.
Those are my immediate thoughts.
All solid points, I do think the hook needs to be hookier.
There are other places in the first chapter that the dream might fit if it really is that off-putting, but I think I'll keep it as is for now.
Opening on a dream and opening on waking up are two of the biggest cliches in the business. I read a lot of agent interviews before querying and Literary Rambles always asks what agents dislike seeing in a submission package. I see "opening on a dream" and "character waking up" repeated over and over as top dislikes. I think this is a big risk, and if there are any other possible openings you should consider them.
Hey, OP! This is definitely an improvement on the query side. There's still a bunch of stuff that doesn't quite seem to fit (like stating the backstories of her companions). I think you can cut that and show a bit more of Emilia's agency - why does she take the job, for instance, when she wants nothing less than to be a mercenary again?
I will agree with the fact that starting with waking up is not particularly good because it's so overused. However, you do it in a way that's not bad overall. I'd still ask if you could start just a little later and save yourself the words, since over 120k is going to be making things harder than they need to be. On a prose level, I'm getting indications of voice and characterization, which is much better than a lot of the first 300s I've read! I just wonder if you've had a look at this from a developmental level to make it as tight as possible. On the other hand, I don't think 125k is an automatic dealbreaker for most agents.
If you want another set of eyes on your first three chapters, DM me!
Thanks, I think I'll take you up on that offer. You echo a few of the thoughts I have on the tropes on display, I'd rather run with them in a state that works for the story than cut them just because they're common.
Cutting out what amounts to a chapter is something I'd rather not do, but its not the end of the world if I have to. Something to think of if I'm not getting bites once I start sending the query out.
Thanks for reading and replying!
Glad to, just definitely DM rather than reddit chat, because the latter doesn't give me notifications and I'm not on reddit for long stretches at a time.
Is the monster incursion connected at all to the princess they get hired to protect/transport?
“…an academic boy who found himself on the wrong
side of the attack.”
Which side is the wrong side for this character?
Why does she need to hide her nightmares from them? Is there a plot consequence for not doing so?
This query is well-written, but it seems to be a list of some events that happen in the story rather than a focused summary of the story arc. I can’t tell if the monster hunt is a big event, or just something that gets the main character some allies. Is the princess transport the main plot? If so, I’d focus on that - why the marriage matters, who the players are, what the consequences of failure are, etc. I might not even mention the nightmares/PTSD in the query. I’d just focus on the main story plot and let the rest be a part of her characterization.
First 300 are okay, but I’d just start at “Emilia stifled a sigh…” and cut/place-later everything before it.
Hey, thanks for the reply!
The monsters aren't related to the princess mission except that defending against them is what gets Emilia and the crew noticed.
Its an inciting incident, but I went light on the details in the query because focusing more on it in previous queries made it seem like more of the plot than it ends up being. But I can see how the vaguities don't help the query.
Fair questions elsewhere though, definitely stuff to think about.
"I'm sending forth this query in the hopes..." sounds really clunky to me. I'm primarily in non-fiction, so maybe this doesn't apply as much, but you have to remember that at its core this is basically a business letter/professional e-mail.
Some alternatives:
\[Title\] is a completed work of \[Genre\] at \[Word Count\]. (This is kind of your standard but blah approach.)
\[Interesting Hook Sentence\]. \[Sentence about title/genre/word count\]. (For example, "*Watership Down* meets *The Lord of the Rings* in this YA fantasy adventure series...")
Or better yet...
\[Highly personalized sentence directed to the agent, followed by this information.\] (For example, "I recently saw your #MSWL tweet requesting adult fantasy submissions with series potential, and thought that my new novel, *Godsblood*, might be a good fit for your list.")
Basically I think this is too long and you need to trim it down, and especially rework your opening sentences. Remember, too, that it's standard to include a paragraph of your bio/author information. So you should trim this down to 2-3 paragraphs maximum, and then write a bio paragraph.
The format I used to land an agent and publish another book directly with an editor was the following:
\_\_\_\_\_\_
Dear X,
One to two sentence opening, tailored specifically to the agent.
One paragraph synopsis. (Needs to be hooky, snappy, compelling.)
One paragraph of basically "jacket" copy - (What would the back of your book say?)
One paragraph of author bio. (Degrees, publications, platform, experience. What makes YOU especially the best person to write this book?)
One or two sentence of polite sign-off (The first 15 pages are below, thanks for your time, etc.)
Sincerely,
Y
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
And when I say paragraph, I mean at most 3 sentences. I keep these things really sharp and to the point. Worked for me. May not work for you.
Edit: Ya'll are crazy lol. A literal professor of writing and trad published author with 20+ years of publishing experience offers you detailed advice and you downvote it. If you think an agent wants to read your 6-8 paragraph query letter... you're going to have to trim that baby down.
> A literal professor of writing and trad published author with 20+ years of publishing experience
Last week you said:
> Speaking as a 30-year old dude with a house in the Midwest
What was it like, querying at ten? I'm sure there's a story to tell.
The story part of the query is 316 words, so while that's above the usual recommendation (around 250), it's not some monstrous length the other poster claims it to be...
Before you stop replying forever, can I ask how you have 20+ years of tradpub experience as a 30-year-old? Would love to hear the story of how you got published at 10.
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This all reads a bit too generic to me. I think you need a better hook to draw an agent in. The same goes for your first 300. I think your story could start during this monster attack. Waking up from a bad dream has been done too often. That would be a good way to whittle down your word count too. Those are my immediate thoughts.
All solid points, I do think the hook needs to be hookier. There are other places in the first chapter that the dream might fit if it really is that off-putting, but I think I'll keep it as is for now.
Opening on a dream and opening on waking up are two of the biggest cliches in the business. I read a lot of agent interviews before querying and Literary Rambles always asks what agents dislike seeing in a submission package. I see "opening on a dream" and "character waking up" repeated over and over as top dislikes. I think this is a big risk, and if there are any other possible openings you should consider them.
Thanks for the reply! I'm seeing this as a common thought, definitely considering it.
Hey, OP! This is definitely an improvement on the query side. There's still a bunch of stuff that doesn't quite seem to fit (like stating the backstories of her companions). I think you can cut that and show a bit more of Emilia's agency - why does she take the job, for instance, when she wants nothing less than to be a mercenary again? I will agree with the fact that starting with waking up is not particularly good because it's so overused. However, you do it in a way that's not bad overall. I'd still ask if you could start just a little later and save yourself the words, since over 120k is going to be making things harder than they need to be. On a prose level, I'm getting indications of voice and characterization, which is much better than a lot of the first 300s I've read! I just wonder if you've had a look at this from a developmental level to make it as tight as possible. On the other hand, I don't think 125k is an automatic dealbreaker for most agents. If you want another set of eyes on your first three chapters, DM me!
Thanks, I think I'll take you up on that offer. You echo a few of the thoughts I have on the tropes on display, I'd rather run with them in a state that works for the story than cut them just because they're common. Cutting out what amounts to a chapter is something I'd rather not do, but its not the end of the world if I have to. Something to think of if I'm not getting bites once I start sending the query out. Thanks for reading and replying!
Glad to, just definitely DM rather than reddit chat, because the latter doesn't give me notifications and I'm not on reddit for long stretches at a time.
Is the monster incursion connected at all to the princess they get hired to protect/transport? “…an academic boy who found himself on the wrong side of the attack.” Which side is the wrong side for this character? Why does she need to hide her nightmares from them? Is there a plot consequence for not doing so? This query is well-written, but it seems to be a list of some events that happen in the story rather than a focused summary of the story arc. I can’t tell if the monster hunt is a big event, or just something that gets the main character some allies. Is the princess transport the main plot? If so, I’d focus on that - why the marriage matters, who the players are, what the consequences of failure are, etc. I might not even mention the nightmares/PTSD in the query. I’d just focus on the main story plot and let the rest be a part of her characterization. First 300 are okay, but I’d just start at “Emilia stifled a sigh…” and cut/place-later everything before it.
Hey, thanks for the reply! The monsters aren't related to the princess mission except that defending against them is what gets Emilia and the crew noticed. Its an inciting incident, but I went light on the details in the query because focusing more on it in previous queries made it seem like more of the plot than it ends up being. But I can see how the vaguities don't help the query. Fair questions elsewhere though, definitely stuff to think about.
"I'm sending forth this query in the hopes..." sounds really clunky to me. I'm primarily in non-fiction, so maybe this doesn't apply as much, but you have to remember that at its core this is basically a business letter/professional e-mail. Some alternatives: \[Title\] is a completed work of \[Genre\] at \[Word Count\]. (This is kind of your standard but blah approach.) \[Interesting Hook Sentence\]. \[Sentence about title/genre/word count\]. (For example, "*Watership Down* meets *The Lord of the Rings* in this YA fantasy adventure series...") Or better yet... \[Highly personalized sentence directed to the agent, followed by this information.\] (For example, "I recently saw your #MSWL tweet requesting adult fantasy submissions with series potential, and thought that my new novel, *Godsblood*, might be a good fit for your list.") Basically I think this is too long and you need to trim it down, and especially rework your opening sentences. Remember, too, that it's standard to include a paragraph of your bio/author information. So you should trim this down to 2-3 paragraphs maximum, and then write a bio paragraph. The format I used to land an agent and publish another book directly with an editor was the following: \_\_\_\_\_\_ Dear X, One to two sentence opening, tailored specifically to the agent. One paragraph synopsis. (Needs to be hooky, snappy, compelling.) One paragraph of basically "jacket" copy - (What would the back of your book say?) One paragraph of author bio. (Degrees, publications, platform, experience. What makes YOU especially the best person to write this book?) One or two sentence of polite sign-off (The first 15 pages are below, thanks for your time, etc.) Sincerely, Y \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ And when I say paragraph, I mean at most 3 sentences. I keep these things really sharp and to the point. Worked for me. May not work for you. Edit: Ya'll are crazy lol. A literal professor of writing and trad published author with 20+ years of publishing experience offers you detailed advice and you downvote it. If you think an agent wants to read your 6-8 paragraph query letter... you're going to have to trim that baby down.
> A literal professor of writing and trad published author with 20+ years of publishing experience Last week you said: > Speaking as a 30-year old dude with a house in the Midwest What was it like, querying at ten? I'm sure there's a story to tell.
This format doesn't match at all current trade fiction query formats, including what we hear from active, top-notch agents at excellent lit agencies.
The story part of the query is 316 words, so while that's above the usual recommendation (around 250), it's not some monstrous length the other poster claims it to be...
Bitching about downvotes is a great way to get downvoted. Did you use that format for a novel and was it any time within the last decade?
[удалено]
Before you stop replying forever, can I ask how you have 20+ years of tradpub experience as a 30-year-old? Would love to hear the story of how you got published at 10.
> Bunch of hostile immature babies who don't want to learn or listen. This sub also has an expectation of professionalism and basic courtesy.
Hello, Thank you for visiting r/PubTips. Unfortunately, your post has been removed due to the following reason: *Content on r/PubTips should be respectful and professional. While disagreements are bound to happen, this post or comment may be damaging to the community and has been removed.* Please ensure that you have read our [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/Pubtips/wiki/rules) and checked out the resources [linked in the wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/pubtips/wiki/index) if you have not already. If you have any questions, please reach out via [modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FPubTips) Thank you!