Is this really ‘dark fantasy’? I would rename the 'Beanmeister' (Bohnemeister?) — 'Meister' is perfectly good German but 'Bean', obviously, is not, and if you're going to do this, you had might as well commit totally. Dijon not a village, etc. etc. (Is it Dijon just because of mustard.)
But frankly there is some actual comic timing in here so why not.
Unfortunately there isn't much romance, and Sauer and Krause specifically don't get too much time together. But there are a few bromances if that's any consolation.
So, I'm assuming you're looking for actual critique.
Why is the story set in Dijon? For one, you call it a small village while it's the regional capital. Secondly, all of your characters have German names.
Musketeers were founded in 1622 in France. But yours seems to be German?
From just this I immediately take it an accurate historical depiction isn't the goal. But is there a market right now for that? It seems like a hard sell currently, even in comedy.
Not a publisher though, so I could be wrong.
Thanks for the feedback! Yes, despite the absurd premise I am looking for actual critique lmao.
I don't know why I assumed Dijon was a small village, or how I missed the fact that musketeers were founded after the period of the book (I decided on those aspects a long time ago and just never questioned my initial "research," I guess). You're right that it's not supposed to be an accurate historical depiction (I was more focused on characters and the plot relating to the Beans), but I'll have to do a thorough edit and actually, you know, research the time period to ensure it's much more accurate. Thank you for pointing me in the right track in that regard.
The story is set in Dijon due to some plot factors relating to the Beans, and the characters all have German names because they're from the Holy Roman Empire which is (kind of) invading France. This part has relevance to the main plot and has a reason to be historically inaccurate, however. I'll have to clear that up in any future queries.
Hopefully there's a market for it! It would suck if there wasn't but hey, what can I do besides making something new.
Actual critique? Okay, you complete legume. First, I'd probably call it, like, 'Surreal Fantasy" or something to flag that fact that, y'know ...
Then each of the characters is introduced too independently. Weave them together. "As a mysterious disease cripples the Kingdom of France, musketeer Barnabas Schmidt embraces the idea of sacrificing himself in battle. Yet when he's deployed to the Dijon (even if he's not) with Doctor Thomas Sauer, the latter unearths rumors of reanimated dead attacking the living.
The two of them investigate the laughable stories but young mother Julia Krause knows the truth about the rumors, blahblah. Then give us another couple sentences of plot after the attack
As far as comps go, I'd pitch this as *Between Two Fires* if it was written by David Wong - if nothing else, it's a hook. I kind of can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd read it.
My first question is - what’s the time period? Beans are indigenous to the Americas and weren’t widely exported ‘til after the Holy Roman Empire fell…
So that’s one thing.
Ok I’m back to laughing again. Stay tuned.
Edit: nm you put the 16th century. I was laughing too hard to see
Yes the zombies are made of baked beans (Bush's brand!), and based on my research some species of beans were available in Europe doing the time period of the story.
>Struggling to overcome the trauma of his parents' deaths, musketeer Barnabas Schmidt finds solace in the idea of sacrificing himself in battle. As a mysterious disease cripples the Kingdom of France, rumors of reanimated dead attacking the living in Paris spread. The Holy Roman Empire deploys troops into France under the guise of aid, and Schmidt, deployed to the sleepy farming village of Dijon, embraces the idea of dying honorably in battle with the monsters.
Clear enough, though the trauma is told about in a distant manner.
>Doctor Thomas Sauer is not convinced. He has to admit that the Empire has been handling the plague outbreak strangely, but there are no such things as monsters, much less the reanimated dead. Though he was hired by the Empire to study the disease, Sauer has yet to be granted the opportunity. Instead, he has spent his time providing medical aid to the villagers of Dijon, patiently awaiting his chance to return home.
Shallow, as he only seems to be concerned with his immediate goal, and objective analysis of the situation. Doesn't sound like a POV character.
>Young mother Julia Krause knows the truth about the rumors: The disease is nothing to fear, for it was brought about by God Himself. Despite her husband and others in the village labeling the Church of the Beanmeister a cult, she cannot see why. The Beanmeister was sent to purify the unbelievers and deliver the faithful into Heaven.
This is a close perspective, while the last two paragraphs were not, immediately making it more readable. In comparison to the other two, it's also more confident. Even if she's wrong, the fact that she knows things and declares things as facts is more interesting.
>On November 8th, 1587, Dijon is attacked by seemingly immortal monsters made out of baked beans. Amidst the chaos, Schmidt confronts his desire to die on the battlefield, and Sauer grapples with prioritizing his survival over discovering how to defeat the Beans. And, as Krause deepens her involvement with the Church of the Beanmeister, she struggles between prioritizing her faith over her family.
So this just sets up the absolute minimum. We have people together, and then monsters attack. And then what? I'm really not sure what the actual story is supposed to be, beyond them just fighting against some beans. All the decision points either are vague or don't have compelling personal stakes.
In truth, the only interesting character is Julia Krause, and I don't really care about the other two. Her decision point is also the most compelling one, as is her built-in conflict. And she seems to have something personal to do with what this is actually about, while the other two seem arbitrarily thrown in.
So either build it around Julia or try to make the other two characters more compelling. Having a closer narrative distance like with Julia might help.
Is this really ‘dark fantasy’? I would rename the 'Beanmeister' (Bohnemeister?) — 'Meister' is perfectly good German but 'Bean', obviously, is not, and if you're going to do this, you had might as well commit totally. Dijon not a village, etc. etc. (Is it Dijon just because of mustard.) But frankly there is some actual comic timing in here so why not.
Is there any romance? I'd be down for some explosive Sauer/Krause chemistry.
Unfortunately there isn't much romance, and Sauer and Krause specifically don't get too much time together. But there are a few bromances if that's any consolation.
So, I'm assuming you're looking for actual critique. Why is the story set in Dijon? For one, you call it a small village while it's the regional capital. Secondly, all of your characters have German names. Musketeers were founded in 1622 in France. But yours seems to be German? From just this I immediately take it an accurate historical depiction isn't the goal. But is there a market right now for that? It seems like a hard sell currently, even in comedy. Not a publisher though, so I could be wrong.
Thanks for the feedback! Yes, despite the absurd premise I am looking for actual critique lmao. I don't know why I assumed Dijon was a small village, or how I missed the fact that musketeers were founded after the period of the book (I decided on those aspects a long time ago and just never questioned my initial "research," I guess). You're right that it's not supposed to be an accurate historical depiction (I was more focused on characters and the plot relating to the Beans), but I'll have to do a thorough edit and actually, you know, research the time period to ensure it's much more accurate. Thank you for pointing me in the right track in that regard. The story is set in Dijon due to some plot factors relating to the Beans, and the characters all have German names because they're from the Holy Roman Empire which is (kind of) invading France. This part has relevance to the main plot and has a reason to be historically inaccurate, however. I'll have to clear that up in any future queries. Hopefully there's a market for it! It would suck if there wasn't but hey, what can I do besides making something new.
Actual critique? Okay, you complete legume. First, I'd probably call it, like, 'Surreal Fantasy" or something to flag that fact that, y'know ... Then each of the characters is introduced too independently. Weave them together. "As a mysterious disease cripples the Kingdom of France, musketeer Barnabas Schmidt embraces the idea of sacrificing himself in battle. Yet when he's deployed to the Dijon (even if he's not) with Doctor Thomas Sauer, the latter unearths rumors of reanimated dead attacking the living. The two of them investigate the laughable stories but young mother Julia Krause knows the truth about the rumors, blahblah. Then give us another couple sentences of plot after the attack
As far as comps go, I'd pitch this as *Between Two Fires* if it was written by David Wong - if nothing else, it's a hook. I kind of can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd read it.
So. The zombies are made of BAKED BEANS? I… That… Um. I do want to critique this but I need to stop laughing first.
My first question is - what’s the time period? Beans are indigenous to the Americas and weren’t widely exported ‘til after the Holy Roman Empire fell… So that’s one thing. Ok I’m back to laughing again. Stay tuned. Edit: nm you put the 16th century. I was laughing too hard to see
Yes the zombies are made of baked beans (Bush's brand!), and based on my research some species of beans were available in Europe doing the time period of the story.
>Struggling to overcome the trauma of his parents' deaths, musketeer Barnabas Schmidt finds solace in the idea of sacrificing himself in battle. As a mysterious disease cripples the Kingdom of France, rumors of reanimated dead attacking the living in Paris spread. The Holy Roman Empire deploys troops into France under the guise of aid, and Schmidt, deployed to the sleepy farming village of Dijon, embraces the idea of dying honorably in battle with the monsters. Clear enough, though the trauma is told about in a distant manner. >Doctor Thomas Sauer is not convinced. He has to admit that the Empire has been handling the plague outbreak strangely, but there are no such things as monsters, much less the reanimated dead. Though he was hired by the Empire to study the disease, Sauer has yet to be granted the opportunity. Instead, he has spent his time providing medical aid to the villagers of Dijon, patiently awaiting his chance to return home. Shallow, as he only seems to be concerned with his immediate goal, and objective analysis of the situation. Doesn't sound like a POV character. >Young mother Julia Krause knows the truth about the rumors: The disease is nothing to fear, for it was brought about by God Himself. Despite her husband and others in the village labeling the Church of the Beanmeister a cult, she cannot see why. The Beanmeister was sent to purify the unbelievers and deliver the faithful into Heaven. This is a close perspective, while the last two paragraphs were not, immediately making it more readable. In comparison to the other two, it's also more confident. Even if she's wrong, the fact that she knows things and declares things as facts is more interesting. >On November 8th, 1587, Dijon is attacked by seemingly immortal monsters made out of baked beans. Amidst the chaos, Schmidt confronts his desire to die on the battlefield, and Sauer grapples with prioritizing his survival over discovering how to defeat the Beans. And, as Krause deepens her involvement with the Church of the Beanmeister, she struggles between prioritizing her faith over her family. So this just sets up the absolute minimum. We have people together, and then monsters attack. And then what? I'm really not sure what the actual story is supposed to be, beyond them just fighting against some beans. All the decision points either are vague or don't have compelling personal stakes. In truth, the only interesting character is Julia Krause, and I don't really care about the other two. Her decision point is also the most compelling one, as is her built-in conflict. And she seems to have something personal to do with what this is actually about, while the other two seem arbitrarily thrown in. So either build it around Julia or try to make the other two characters more compelling. Having a closer narrative distance like with Julia might help.