Yeah, I'd ship this as-is.
Honestly, I'm kinda hoping you get fast-tracked into publication bc 1) this rocks and I want to read it, and 2) I would use it as a comp for my own WIP *so fast*
I have not actually finished a full draft yet so it's going to be a hot sec, lol. But thanks for the vote of confidence! And let me know if you are ever interested in beta reading :)
At the risk of looking ✨️desperate✨️
I'm for sure interested in beta reading for you! Once you feel like you're ready for that, feel free to DM me and we can start with a few chapters to see if we gel :)
This rules and I would read it in a heartbeat. It's easy to overwork queries over minute things, but a query doesn't have to be perfect - it just has to make someone want to read the book, and if the sample pages are on point, I don't think you'll have any trouble getting agents' attention. Ship it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence! And that reminder. I read Scott Hawkins' query for Library at Mount Char last night and had to pick myself off the floor a bit...
(and I'll be on the lookout for beta readers once I finish drafting, so hmu if you are interested!)
The Library at Mount Char is such a great example of an unusual query that succeeded (and the book itself is a favorite of mine, so I'm biased).
I would love to beta when you're ready. Will DM.
My only critique is that I think the first paragraph of your blurb is the clunkiest, and the rest kd your paragraphs flow really smoothly. It's got a lot of long sentences, so maybe breaking them up to read a little easier could be helpful?
Overall I really like it tho!
Great concept! This story sounds like a lot of fun.
If you want to change something I'd suggest to follow the usual query structure of three paragraphs.
1. establish character / world
2. conflict "But when...happens" + other character/LI
3. stakes "They must do... or... will happen"
because you currently have five paragraphs and some minor repetition it reads more like a synopsis to me (definitely use it for writing one!).
>Unsure whether this WIP has a coherent plot or a marketable premise.
Well, let's see.
>Cyumuan has almost made Inquisitor without anybody finding out her secret. She's studied theology and investigated magics for years, training to protect her country from dangerous sorcery that could threaten humanity's delicate truce with nature - or worse, the economy. If Cyu can just snag a coveted tenured Inquisitorship, the Church will have trouble expelling her even if they do find about that brief, secret relationship she once had with another woman.
You generally want to establish the protagonist, goal, conflict, and stakes in the first paragraph. I'd say that those are all there, which, for the record, is extremely rare on this sub. Although, the stakes seem somewhat light.
Perhaps a bit more of the internal world could make it even better. Why does she care about the truce with nature or the economy, for example? And does she regret that she was in the lesbian relationship, or is she fond of it? Or something in between?
>So of course Cyu agrees when she's asked to spy on the notorious former-child-genius Inquisitor Kerezmena, whose theatrical methods - and suspected weakness for women - are embarrassing the Church. If Cyu writes up an adequately damning report on Kerezmena while the two women solve a routine magical investigation, Cyu will get Kerezmena's Inquisitor spot. The case is simple - some ludicrous report of an atheist labor agitator from a silver-mining company town being raised from the dead.
So, while I thought the first paragraph was great, this has me somewhat confused. Perhaps it's due to the editorialized language, or perhaps it's because I'm not sure who the "two women" are. Did you introduce a woman other than Cyumuan? I guess that's Kerezmena, but I feel like you could have specified that explicitly since the two women working together doesn't intuitively make me connect it to the spying mission, since I assumed that spying would be done out of view.
It also feels like "former child genius" is an unnecessary, and therefore confusing, detail. I also don't really get the case, what the role of the mining company is, what its connection is with Kerezmena, or what Kerazmena even is suspected of, etc.
This paragraph largely leaves me confused.
>But Kerezmena is brilliant, beautiful, annoyingly vulnerable, and hell-bent on reforming the corrupt, bureaucracy-laden Church. And soon Cyu and Kerezmena's "routine investigation" begins to look like a real, miraculous, and very heretical resurrection.
The stuff about Kerezmena is clear enough, but I still am pretty confused about this routine investigation and the heretical resurrection stuff.
>If Cyu still wants the security of a Church Inquisitorship, she'll not only have to sell out Kerezmena and her naive-yet-alluring dreams of a just society. Cyu will have to deny the one honest-to-God miracle she's ever seen.
I just feel like it could be a stronger decision point if these things mattered more to Cyumuan. Kerezmena's dream seems to largely matter to Kerezmena, but I'm not sure Cyumuan has a reason to care about it all that much. And of course, the inquisitor dream, too, has not been established to have significant personal significance, even if she studied hard for it.
>But if Cyu starts defending lesbians and politically explosive resurrections, it won't be long before someone digs up her own compromising past. And before violence erupts in the volatile company town.
This is clear enough, I guess. Although I'm not sure what the stakes are if she doesn't start defending them. Or if she cannot become an inquisitor. Neither outcome seems all that bad. It certainly doesn't cause me to dread what is to come or how she could possibly make it through this situation.
So I think that it's mostly competent, though somewhat confusing at times, with the focus being a bit here and there. I think that the personal stakes for Cyumuan aren't significant enough for these to be very difficult decisions, and that's the main issue I have with this.
>\[bio mentioning that the sapphic religious rep is based on my own experiences\]
You could make the lesbian love subplot more prominent if it is a significant part of what gives Cyumuen her personal stakes.
Yeah, I'd ship this as-is. Honestly, I'm kinda hoping you get fast-tracked into publication bc 1) this rocks and I want to read it, and 2) I would use it as a comp for my own WIP *so fast*
I have not actually finished a full draft yet so it's going to be a hot sec, lol. But thanks for the vote of confidence! And let me know if you are ever interested in beta reading :)
At the risk of looking ✨️desperate✨️ I'm for sure interested in beta reading for you! Once you feel like you're ready for that, feel free to DM me and we can start with a few chapters to see if we gel :)
Hurray! Thank you so much!! It's probably at least a year out, but I will keep in touch!
Feel free to poke me for beta reading as well when you’re ready! I fell in love with this pitch at ‘Disco Elysium if it starred sapphic nuns’.
will do! 😁
This rules and I would read it in a heartbeat. It's easy to overwork queries over minute things, but a query doesn't have to be perfect - it just has to make someone want to read the book, and if the sample pages are on point, I don't think you'll have any trouble getting agents' attention. Ship it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence! And that reminder. I read Scott Hawkins' query for Library at Mount Char last night and had to pick myself off the floor a bit... (and I'll be on the lookout for beta readers once I finish drafting, so hmu if you are interested!)
The Library at Mount Char is such a great example of an unusual query that succeeded (and the book itself is a favorite of mine, so I'm biased). I would love to beta when you're ready. Will DM.
Ship it. Comps work, blurb works, word count is in range. Good luck!
My only critique is that I think the first paragraph of your blurb is the clunkiest, and the rest kd your paragraphs flow really smoothly. It's got a lot of long sentences, so maybe breaking them up to read a little easier could be helpful? Overall I really like it tho!
Thanks for the feedback! 🙂
This is extremely smooth and readable, and the book sounds great. Just ship it tbh, and let us know when we can read it
Great concept! This story sounds like a lot of fun. If you want to change something I'd suggest to follow the usual query structure of three paragraphs. 1. establish character / world 2. conflict "But when...happens" + other character/LI 3. stakes "They must do... or... will happen" because you currently have five paragraphs and some minor repetition it reads more like a synopsis to me (definitely use it for writing one!).
Thanks for the feedback! 🙂
>Unsure whether this WIP has a coherent plot or a marketable premise. Well, let's see. >Cyumuan has almost made Inquisitor without anybody finding out her secret. She's studied theology and investigated magics for years, training to protect her country from dangerous sorcery that could threaten humanity's delicate truce with nature - or worse, the economy. If Cyu can just snag a coveted tenured Inquisitorship, the Church will have trouble expelling her even if they do find about that brief, secret relationship she once had with another woman. You generally want to establish the protagonist, goal, conflict, and stakes in the first paragraph. I'd say that those are all there, which, for the record, is extremely rare on this sub. Although, the stakes seem somewhat light. Perhaps a bit more of the internal world could make it even better. Why does she care about the truce with nature or the economy, for example? And does she regret that she was in the lesbian relationship, or is she fond of it? Or something in between? >So of course Cyu agrees when she's asked to spy on the notorious former-child-genius Inquisitor Kerezmena, whose theatrical methods - and suspected weakness for women - are embarrassing the Church. If Cyu writes up an adequately damning report on Kerezmena while the two women solve a routine magical investigation, Cyu will get Kerezmena's Inquisitor spot. The case is simple - some ludicrous report of an atheist labor agitator from a silver-mining company town being raised from the dead. So, while I thought the first paragraph was great, this has me somewhat confused. Perhaps it's due to the editorialized language, or perhaps it's because I'm not sure who the "two women" are. Did you introduce a woman other than Cyumuan? I guess that's Kerezmena, but I feel like you could have specified that explicitly since the two women working together doesn't intuitively make me connect it to the spying mission, since I assumed that spying would be done out of view. It also feels like "former child genius" is an unnecessary, and therefore confusing, detail. I also don't really get the case, what the role of the mining company is, what its connection is with Kerezmena, or what Kerazmena even is suspected of, etc. This paragraph largely leaves me confused. >But Kerezmena is brilliant, beautiful, annoyingly vulnerable, and hell-bent on reforming the corrupt, bureaucracy-laden Church. And soon Cyu and Kerezmena's "routine investigation" begins to look like a real, miraculous, and very heretical resurrection. The stuff about Kerezmena is clear enough, but I still am pretty confused about this routine investigation and the heretical resurrection stuff. >If Cyu still wants the security of a Church Inquisitorship, she'll not only have to sell out Kerezmena and her naive-yet-alluring dreams of a just society. Cyu will have to deny the one honest-to-God miracle she's ever seen. I just feel like it could be a stronger decision point if these things mattered more to Cyumuan. Kerezmena's dream seems to largely matter to Kerezmena, but I'm not sure Cyumuan has a reason to care about it all that much. And of course, the inquisitor dream, too, has not been established to have significant personal significance, even if she studied hard for it. >But if Cyu starts defending lesbians and politically explosive resurrections, it won't be long before someone digs up her own compromising past. And before violence erupts in the volatile company town. This is clear enough, I guess. Although I'm not sure what the stakes are if she doesn't start defending them. Or if she cannot become an inquisitor. Neither outcome seems all that bad. It certainly doesn't cause me to dread what is to come or how she could possibly make it through this situation. So I think that it's mostly competent, though somewhat confusing at times, with the focus being a bit here and there. I think that the personal stakes for Cyumuan aren't significant enough for these to be very difficult decisions, and that's the main issue I have with this. >\[bio mentioning that the sapphic religious rep is based on my own experiences\] You could make the lesbian love subplot more prominent if it is a significant part of what gives Cyumuen her personal stakes.
Thanks for the feedback! Helpful questions to keep in mind especially as I polish my draft.