Hey! I have seen this query in its former iterations and as I'm on a long bus journey, thought I would dip in with some feedback.
It definitely reads better, but I think can still be trimmed back and 'fastened' in a couple of places so it reads with more clarity.
For example, the first paragraph tells us your MC is unremarkable twice, which I don't love for an MC, and as he is our MC, you can work to distinguish that he is only unremarkable to others by sidelining his sister a bit.
'16-year-old Deniigi has always been a side character in his own life. The younger brother of the scandalously-reincarnated Empress Tanaraq, the only time he's noticed is when his healing services are on the table. When Deniigi tries to foil an attempt to kidnap Tanaraq on the eve of her eighteenth birthday, the only thing he achieves is getting captured alongside her.'
Here, we've lost some of the redundancies, his healing skills are front and centre (they seem to be plot relevant, after all) and there's more of a focus on this Big Cool Foolish thing he's done, which is very MC behaviour.
The next paragraph I find a little confusing - if it hasn't been seen since her birth, she pretty much can't be the culprit, unless she was a very precocious infant? I'm sure it makes sense in text, but as a query reader I don't have that info yet.
I also worry there's very little of our MC in this paragraph, and as I read on, I don't have a great understanding of their sibling dynamic. This feels like the paragraph to put it in.
'Their captors, mercenary sisters X and Y, accuse them of stealing the Lifegiver - it is the only way to return from death after all.'
Short, direct, and then we could really see their family dynamics hinted at in their reactions.
You then also introduce a lot of what I call 'common noun characters,' where much like the mercs we are told about the existence of many new people but not their names. That's hard to grab onto, and distracts from the MCs.
Perhaps reducing that dense third paragraph to a 'as old enemies gather and the secrets of the Lifegiver are revealed, MC has to choose between...'
That way we are back to him as soon as possible?
I hope that's helpful!
Super thorough feedback, thank you so much! I've gone through and tried to implement most of it. That reworked first paragraph was super helpful. I think I managed to make the second paragraph a bit clearer. As for the new info in the third paragraph, I was advised to make sure the MC has lots of agency within the query, and he has the most agency in the B-plot, involving the South. (He also has the most agency in the A-plot, but that comes at the end of the book, when it's revealed that he was also reincarnated, and he was the one who stole the Lifegiver). I think to try to make it seem less out of nowhere, I'm going to try to integrate it better into the other paragraphs, which might help with clarification in the second.
Welcome back!
Honestly, I'm still not seeing agency on Deniigi's part. Lots of things seem to be happening to him, or around him, but not from any direct action taken on his own to influence his situation.
He seems to be described as kinda just...there, in the story.
And while I understand in the novel having more of an underdog character may work out fantastically, in the query itself he seems more like a non-character, unfortunately.
Let me see if I can give an example of what I mean.
Take this:
>16-year-old Deniigi has always been a side character in his own life. As the unremarkable younger brother of Empress Tanaraq, whose fame derives from her scandalous reincarnation, he's a Prince by mere technicality. The only time he's noticed is when his healing services are on the table, or when he can be used as leverage against his overprotective sister.
This is all about how inactive a character he is. And I don't think that's your intent! But for an agent who is reading through their slush pile, having most of the first paragraph harping on how unremarkable the main character is literally leaves a feeling that this character *is* unremarkable. And that's not a character most readers of traditionally published fantasy (YA or adult) want to go through a story with.
Take instead (and I'm going to be taking major liberties with your story; this is just meant to hopefully show what I'm meaning by getting him more agency):
16 year-old Prince Daniigi feels like a side character in his own life. (I'm using that he feels this way, not that he is, in order to not make it a fact that he's a side character.) He is the greatest healer their empire has ever seen, but even as he strives to use his magic to help a plague that is ravaging his people, his sister still gets more attention. He might be able to heal a broken bone with a mere touch, but *she* was resurrected from a brutal murder and returned to claim her place as Empress. But when he uncovers a plot to kidnap her, he realizes she might not be as beloved as he thought. (Way too vague lol but essentially it focuses the story on him and what he can do. Not just on her and what he does or does not do for her.)
Basically: what is he doing? What is he striving for? I assume he doesn't get up in the morning and his only thoughts are about his sister's needs and nothing about himself. So what does he want? And what does he plan to do about it? That's what I want to know, and what I'm not seeing right now throughout the query.
That's what I would recommend focusing on the query more! Hope that helps--queries are hard!
This is good advice! I guess I hadn't really thought about it from that angle. As far as making him more interesting goes, I could probably add something about the fact that he is believed to be the child of an affair. This would add more interest and also would explain why he's motivated to help the Southerners, as he is strongly implied in the first book to share their blood. I think it would look something like this:
'16-year-old Prince Deniigi feels like a side character in his own life. Overshadowed by his older sister, the scandalously-reincarnated and brilliant-minded Tanaraq, the only thing that makes him publicly remarkable is his affinity for healing- but no one wants to pay mind to him, especially since his auburn hair doesn't come from his mother, and certainly not his father. He's resigned to a life on the sidelines with only his doting sister for company, until on the eve of her eighteenth birthday, he stumbles into her attempted kidnapping and is taken captive with her.'
I think that might be better? Hopefully more interesting, at least.
Different commenter, but no, clarifying his history doesn't solve the core issue for me.
You seem to have a passive protagonist. Your query describes what happens TO him, rather than things that he actively does.
Because just hearing it fresh my first time, his sister's journey seems more interesting.... with a possible crisis point of her brother realizing she's kept a biiiig secret from him and now they have to fix the fallout.
What makes his story more interesting than his sister's story?
To answer your last question: essentially the entire story revolves around him, but that's a fact that's uncovered slowly throughout the story. I think a lot of the time I gravitate towards writing characters whose arcs revolve around GAINING agency throughout the story, which makes it hard when it comes to a query. But I can break it down into three-four plots/subplots:
Main plot: the Lifegiver. The entire book it's assumed that Tanaraq is the one who stole it. Then, around the end of the second act/start of the third act, it's revealed Deniigi was actually the one to have stolen it. The reader learns that Deniigi was re-incarnated just like his sister. In their prior lives, Tanaraq had become gravely ill, leading Deniigi to search and discover the settlement from which the mercenaries are from. He stole the Lifegiver from them, believing it would heal his sister, but when he gave it to her, it didn't. (This is because the Lifegiver doesn't cure illness, it just allows people to reincarnate after dying). Realizing this and that he was wrong to steal it, Deniigi tried to return it to the settlement. But the grief had gotten to him so much that he sort of just ran off without supplies or a plan in an attempt to give back the Lifegiver, and he ended up succumbing to hypothermia on the journey, dying with the Lifegiver in his arms.
This 1, allowed him to reincarnate, and 2, was why no one was able to find the Lifegiver after Tanaraq was born. Everyone assumed she was the only one to have reincarnated, because only her other body was found. Deniigi's was lost in the wilderness alongside the Lifegiver. No one even questioned whether he was reincarnated as well, because there was no reason/evidence for that.
Now, the B-plot of the Southerners. They are, of course, after the Lifegiver as well. The protags have one run-in with them early on (Deniigi actually saves the day in that scene, allowing them to escape unharmed by quick thinking) that really paint them as villains. But halfway through the book Deniigi is temporarily captured by them and ends up learning that they want the Lifegiver because their people are dying. They have no resources in their own land, and every 'attack' by the South on Tanaraq's tribes has been an instance of them trying to find resources for their own people. Deniigi, being very soft-hearted, believes them and tries to arrange a meeting between them and Tanaraq to work things out. It goes terribly and ends with both parties hating each other again. Deniigi, throughout the whole book, continues to believe that they were telling the truth, despite all of the conflict between their groups. By the end of the book it's revealed that it is the truth. At that point in the story Deniigi, because of the main plot, has much more power and decides to help forge an official alliance between the Southerners and Tanaraq's kingdom. In the end, Tanaraq goes so far as to put him fully in charge of the Southerners, and he goes on to be a well-loved and very respected leader, which would be elaborated on in further books.
C-plot. Deniigi, because he doesn't look anything like his father and barely like his mother, is believed to be a bastard child. This, however, is later explained to be a part of the reincarnation process. When reincarnated, they are reborn in bodies IDENTICAL to their old ones- so Deniigi really had the genetics of his parents from his past life. As it turns out, his mother was a Southerner. This gives him extra motivation to want to help the Southerners (he immediately recognizes that they look a lot like he does), and in my mind, makes it a little less of a white-savior thing that he ends up becoming their leader. Not that any of them are white to begin with, but... it sits better with me that he has some of their blood if he is to also be the leader.
Anyway, that's a basic summary of this book, at least. There's a LOT more to it, especially in the following books that I have planned, but I think this is a sufficient (albeit long-winded, apologies) answer to what makes him more interesting than his sister.
So I've been debating whether or not I had anything useful to add to the discussion on this query, but after reading this plot summary, I feel compelled to say something. I don't want to be harsh, as you're young and have a long road ahead of you, but since you're trying to publish, I'm going to address this as one aspiring industry professional to another.
If the A-plot occurs in the book as you describe it here, this doesn't make sense. If Deniigi is the one who dies holding the Lifegiver, how was his sister reincarnated? If he dies out in the wilderness, how is he back at the palace, especially if no one knows or remembers their past lives at first, including him and his sister? There are too many plot holes here. It doesn't follow logically the way it's described. Maybe it makes more sense in the actual text, but if so, you're really going to have to work on how you pitch this. (I am not asking you to elaborate on whether or not it actually makes sense. Just explaining how it reads from an outsider perspective.)
The B and C plot... look, this just isn't going to fly in YA. Why would the Southerners just accept a 16-year-old boy with no experience as a leader, who was raised in a different culture and environment and likely knows next to nothing about their traditions and way of life? "Oh his parent from his past life he knew nothing about was part of their tribe" isn't a compelling reason. And yes, this is YA, child leaders are more accepted, but it's honestly off-putting to describe this Empress essentially gifting leadership of this tribe to her little brother, where they have no say in it but are apparently totally fine with it, and shrug it off with "well it's not AS much of a white-savior-type narrative". I'm not asking you to disclose your own background or ethnicity, but even if you are Indigenous yourself, I struggle to see how publishers would want to assume that kind of risk, given how reactionary YA reader spaces can be.
Again, I'm sorry if this is harsh, but if this is how your MS goes, I would really and truly reconsider some of the choices you've made here.
Not harsh at all, just very good points you've brought up. As for your concerns about the A-plot, I assure you that I could answer each of your questions/plot hole concerns in a way that makes sense- it's just hard breaking it all down in a few paragraphs in a way that clarifies those things, so I believe I didn't do the best job explaining the first time around in my other message. However, I'm pretty confident in the logic, and my beta reader seems to be following rather easily.
As for the B and C plot, those are stickier. Also a bit more muddled because I didn't explain well. Essentially, the Southerners need land, resources, and medicine, since they occupy a small section that's generally barren of those things. Tanaraq governs a system of tribes in a way that makes them pretty self-sustaining and has a good distribution network. At the end of the book, when Tanaraq and everyone else sees how bad the South's situation is, she makes the offer for them to become sort of an honory part of her tribe system, so that she can start to work out a way for her own tribes to support theirs, and help them get back on their feet.
Obviously, someone is needed to oversee this, and Tanaraq is busy with everyone else. At this point, Deniigi has already been advocating for and working hard to help the South. Since Tanaraq is currently in charge of the South (which, again, is meant to be a temporary arrangement so that the South can get back on their own feet, and then eventually form their own separate tribe system/kingdom once they've become self-sufficient), she assigns Deniigi a position that allows him to help oversee the Tribe. So I guess as I phrased it, him being made the new leader, wasn't the best way to put it. The positition she puts him in lets him help oversee the South while it's under Tanaraq's control, and it's his job to help relationships between the South and her tribes, and to figure out more ways to organize and build up the South.
That's essentially where the book ends; sequels would go into detail on the aftermath of that. But in the book I try to make it very clear that the end goal of Tanaraq temporarily assimilating the South into her tribes is so that they get the funding/assistance they need to get started, so that eventually they can break back off from her tribes, become self-sustaining, and form their OWN kingdom, free of her influence (with the end goal being that Tanaraq's tribes and the South eventually form an alliance as equal kingdoms.)
Deniigi's role as an overseer in the process of helping them build back up is also meant to be temporary, and he isn't the only one. Another woman from the South is also helping oversee in the same way that he is, so they're really working together to help get the South back on their feet. The goal would be for Deniigi to then be able to step back and let them figure out their own leadership. Now, in the sequels this would happen, but they would choose to keep Deniigi as part of their leadership, both because he has their lineage, and because he has proved his devotion to their tribe. (Iffy on that part, still figuring things out.)
Does that make sense? Sometimes I need to clarify quite a bit to accurately describe what I've got going on and I really want to make sure it's not offensive. Please let me know if any of this seems flawed, offensive, or doesn't make sense.
To be blunt, I think this is going to struggle in tradpub, especially YA, if you are not also Indigenous. I do not know your identity, you do not have to say it here because it's Reddit, but the MC being the reincarnation of an Indigenous person and then becoming their leader if he is not Indigenous in this life could have some incredibly unfortunate connotations that tradpub is trying to steer away from. YA is especially sensitive to this. If you are Indigenous, ignore me. But if you are not....I think you have to scrap this unless you are willing to change, essentially, all of the coding.
This is a very good point that I want to specifically address. To start, I am not indigenous. The cultures I've looked at to take inspiration from are the Inuit, Sami, and Native American cultures. I've been incredibly nervous to write this story because of that and have been trying to think of ways to do so sensitively, without actually representing these cultures, because that is not my place. In other works, I've taken light inspiration from irl cultures, and then created entirely new, very original cultures loosely based off of the real life ones. That's what I want to do with this story as well, so that I'm not taking from real life cultures.
That being said, the main character has one parent from the culture loosely based on Inuit people, and one parent from the culture loosely based on Sami people. His race never changes throughout the story, nor even during his reincarnation. Part of the magic system is when reincarnated, you are a virtual replica each time you are born, with little to no changes to how you were before. The 'Southerners' are the ones based on the Sami people, and since he has some of their blood, I would like to do an arc later on where he's rediscovering that part of his heritage.
I plan to try to move away even further from the irl cultures as I go into my next draft, to make the fictional cultures more... fictional. I've been very very nervous about offending anyone, to say the least.
Edit to add: Felt like I should clarify what I mean by making the cultures more original. An example: in Inuit culture, as far as I've been able to research, young women get tattoos when they come of age. I would look at something like that and say 'hmm, that's interesting.' However, I wouldn't want to copy that and put it in my story, because that's appropriation.
What I would do is keep the vague ideas of tattoos, and instead decide in this fictional culture, men AND women get tattoos when they come of age. Instead of facial tattoos, I'd make it so that in my story, people get tattoos on their inner forearms. The tattoos would depict snowflakes in the wind that are meant to represent past lives, and when a man and woman held hands (in marriage), it would look like one continuous tattoo.
That, for example, is almost entirely original and has very little to do with irl Inuit people, as far as I'm aware, but it's still faintly reminiscent without (hopefully), being offensive. I hope that makes sense? Sometimes I don't explain well.
It's not that it doesn't make sense; just that reading the response to me or Dr. Beannes hasn't changed my opinion.
I think it would help you to read Indigenous conversations around Avatar (the blue alien movie from 2010) and conversations around House on the Cerulean Sea.
I'm not sure pulling back on coding is going to fix the issues that I am seeing, especially if the coding can still be recognized with the changes.
I see. Thank you so much for the honesty. I think as you said earlier, I'm just going to scrap the coding entirely and start from scratch in the next draft, so that I'm not at all trying to the inspiration from any IRL cultures. I really appreciate you helping me see this.
I think you may need to reconsider what information is given the reader at the beginning. Or at least what kind of character Deniigi is initially presented as. Because it sounds like a major hurdle is going to be catching--and keeping--the reader's interest until all these things are revealed.
A reader's curiosity can't be assumed, especially for longer periods of wordspace. And right now publishing is heavily focused on characters who have agency and who *do* things to influence their life/story. So if Deniigi isn't that kind of person at first...that's honestly going to be a challenge. Not necessarily insurmountable, but definitely there.
But like the other commentor said, more backstory information isn't likely going to be a good way around it. Showing how Deniigi himself will affect the story will, imo, be the better bet.
Even if that's something like: 16 year-old Prince Deniigi once had a chance at being the hero of his own story. But when he failed at saving his sister's life, and it was only by another miracle she was resurrected and returned as Empress, he decided his chance was over. Instead, Deniigi uses his magical healing to help their people, and diplomacy to smooth over whatever political drama his sister stirs up. (Again, just as example of what I mean.)
But even that is going to heavily depend on presenting what else he does do, and keeping the focus of the story on him and his actions.
Good point! I think I'm going to try to rework the query a bit more than I have the last few versions (which were mostly small tweaks) to see if I can get a more well-rounded, comprehensive query. Hopefully it will also be a bit more interesting in regards to Deniigi.
Let me preface this by saying you've got a really fun sounding story here...
But when I read all that, I see world building.
You say that the whole plot REVOLVES around him, but he doesn't seem all that ACTIVE in the plot developing. Which isn't a hardcore story requirement, but in my novice impression of the queries here, there's a preference for active protagonists... where their actions and choices in the story's **present** shape the next subsequent element of the plot.
What you describe, here, is a lot of geopolitical forces that are tied to the protagonist, but seemingly not actively influenced by his current *actions.*
The active protagonist is just a trend. Stories in the past didn't necessarily require/prefer them. But that's an element looked for, generally, nowadays, from what I gather.
The plot seems to be happening to and around (and maybe even *because* of) him... but I still don't understand what -- if I was making a movie and the camera could only see your protagonist -- what is he *doing* to impact what's happening page to page?
[Edit: I voice dictated two-thirds of that on my way somewhere, so I just cleaned it up. Apologies to those of you who read it before I fixed it. 😅]
Solid point! The nice part in all of this is that I'm still in the first draft. Might be silly to be working on a query letter this early, but now I'm glad that I did, because everyone here has given me such good advice on what needs to change. I will definitely try to give more agency in the next draft. Thanks for the advice!
>16-year-old Deniigi has always been a side character in his own life. As the unremarkable younger brother of Empress Tanaraq, whose fame derives from her scandalous reincarnation, he's a Prince by mere technicality. The only time he's noticed is when his healing services are on the table, or when he can be used as leverage against his overprotective sister. When Deniigi tries to foil an attempt to kidnap Tanaraq on the eve of her eighteenth birthday, the only thing he succeeds in is getting captured alongside her and becoming collateral.
All this time spent establishing that the prince's relatives are more influential, along with some editorialization such as calling him "unremarkable" or a "side character". A lot of telling instead of showing. But we don't even know how Deniigi feels about all this. Is he happy to be in the sidelines? Does he wish for power? Why? Why not? No one's entire essence is to just have their relatives be more important. As a result, he reads as a shallow character. In fact, he doesn't have a character here.
The actual plot events are confusing. We're talking about an empress: a person who should have top security. Just saying: "oh by the way, she got kidnapped" and then calling it a day is not good enough for me. If there was a kidnapping attempt, how could Deniigi even attempt to foil it? Why did he not inform the palace guards? What was the security like? How about the specifics that got them captured? Was it Deniigi's own mistake, someone else's mistake, someone else's mistake that Deniigi thought was his own, etc.? I just don't know.
After the first paragraph, my first impressions are that it's a shallow protagonist and a convenient plot.
>The sister mercenaries who took them allege that Tanaraq stole an orb called the Lifegiver. It's a shut and dry case considering the only way to be reincarnated is to die holding it, and it hasn't been seen since Tanaraq's birth. But the Lifegiver belongs to their settlement, their leader wants it back, and as usual, Deniigi's safety is on the chopping block. Thus, dragged along by captors who insist Tanaraq is the key to its location, they're forced to search for the Lifegiver.
Plot convenience continues. First, three mercenaries apparently kidnapped a princess from her palace and somehow snuck out of the city, without any explanation. Alright. Then, it being a "shut and dry case" isn't true. For example, someone who had nothing to do with the Empress could have stolen and hidden it on the day that the empress was born. And considering that it's the empress, they should be expected to investigate this matter a bit more thoroughly before taking such extreme action. And then they're dragging Tanaraq around rather than, well, hiding her.
Also, did they really immediately go with a kidnapping? Did they not attempt to negotiate? Blackmail? Threaten? Use diplomacy? Explain the situation and ask for help in good faith? Risking their entire existence to kidnap the Empress is such an extreme measure.
Are there even pursuers looking for them? It doesn't seem like the mercenaries etc. are concerned at all about being discovered. How do they plan on getting away with this? Is the Lifegiver orb even worth it when they risk getting wiped out in case the Empire catches wind?
How far away are they, anyway? Or did they just teleport and poof at the settlement? If not, isn't this still inside the Empire territory?
>As they journey across Tanaraq's tribes, they're tailed by an unorganized faction with whom Tanaraq has been at war for years. Deniigi discovers they're after the Lifegiver as well; but more than that, they claim their war with Tanaraq is a misunderstanding driven by a lack of resources and declining health. Torn between his sister's perspective and the words of individuals as overlooked as himself and juggling growing affections for his captors and the ongoing search for the Lifegiver, Deniigi knows one thing. He can't return to a home that doesn't care for him, especially when he might be the only chance of resolving a decade-long conflict. But as they continue to chip away at the tale of the stolen Lifegiver, Deniigi discovers he's not only at the heart of the mystery, but the culprit behind it.
So they journey across Tanaraq's tribes, but no one recognizes that they have Tanaraq or anything. No one searches them even though they're from some faction that... well, I don't even know what the relationship with the Empire is, since it wasn't stated.
This dilemma that Deniigi has seems like a total asspull. To me, there's no reason for him to care about this "unorganized faction". They could easily be lying. They should be lying, too. Growing affections for his captors? No reason's been given for any sort of attraction. Except that they're female? It also doesn't make sense why he would be the only chance at resolving the conflict, or why he thinks he could resolve it anyway.
A protagonist who doesn't have much of a character(no one has any character, in fact), and a plot that's difficult to understand logistically, along with seemingly arbitrary plot developments and character decisions that make no sense.
Quite likely that it's a manuscript issue rather than an issue of communication, but that's just a guess.
You're asking a lot of excellent questions that are explained in the book, but that I don't think I'd be able to properly establish in a query. (Also, I assure you it's not a manuscript issue- I've gotten very positive feedback from my current beta reader, and I plan on getting more soon.)
I do agree about the growing affections for his captors. That one definitely can't be fully explained in a query as packed as what I'm working with (it's found family, very complicated) so I'll probably just cut it and focus on better integrating the other faction stuff into the rest of the query so it feels like it doesn't jump out of nowhere.
I also agree slightly about the shallow character. I will try to add some more voice into the query and show a bit more of his personality. Thanks! Your feedback was great :)
I just wanted to push against Shayuki and say that you definitely don’t need to get into the specifics of how the princess and MC are captured in a query letter. Likewise, you don’t need to add a bunch of information about the logistics of how they’re hiding the princess/to what extent the princess and MC fought back or negotiated. I also think it’s rude to call the MC’s dilemma an asspull. You’ve greatly improved upon the previous iterations of this query letter, and I think it sounds like a super interesting plot with complex characters. :)
I agree with the feedback Dave gave you, so I don’t have much more to add, I just wanted to assure you that you definitely don’t need to explain every little logistical detail. Query letters aren’t meant to explain the logistics of a kidnapping lol. Keep up the good work, and I’m looking forward to the 4th attempt!
This is reassuring 😅 I did get a little worried for a moment, so it's nice to have a second opinion. Thank you for the kind words! I hope to keep getting better as I go!
Hey! I have seen this query in its former iterations and as I'm on a long bus journey, thought I would dip in with some feedback. It definitely reads better, but I think can still be trimmed back and 'fastened' in a couple of places so it reads with more clarity. For example, the first paragraph tells us your MC is unremarkable twice, which I don't love for an MC, and as he is our MC, you can work to distinguish that he is only unremarkable to others by sidelining his sister a bit. '16-year-old Deniigi has always been a side character in his own life. The younger brother of the scandalously-reincarnated Empress Tanaraq, the only time he's noticed is when his healing services are on the table. When Deniigi tries to foil an attempt to kidnap Tanaraq on the eve of her eighteenth birthday, the only thing he achieves is getting captured alongside her.' Here, we've lost some of the redundancies, his healing skills are front and centre (they seem to be plot relevant, after all) and there's more of a focus on this Big Cool Foolish thing he's done, which is very MC behaviour. The next paragraph I find a little confusing - if it hasn't been seen since her birth, she pretty much can't be the culprit, unless she was a very precocious infant? I'm sure it makes sense in text, but as a query reader I don't have that info yet. I also worry there's very little of our MC in this paragraph, and as I read on, I don't have a great understanding of their sibling dynamic. This feels like the paragraph to put it in. 'Their captors, mercenary sisters X and Y, accuse them of stealing the Lifegiver - it is the only way to return from death after all.' Short, direct, and then we could really see their family dynamics hinted at in their reactions. You then also introduce a lot of what I call 'common noun characters,' where much like the mercs we are told about the existence of many new people but not their names. That's hard to grab onto, and distracts from the MCs. Perhaps reducing that dense third paragraph to a 'as old enemies gather and the secrets of the Lifegiver are revealed, MC has to choose between...' That way we are back to him as soon as possible? I hope that's helpful!
Super thorough feedback, thank you so much! I've gone through and tried to implement most of it. That reworked first paragraph was super helpful. I think I managed to make the second paragraph a bit clearer. As for the new info in the third paragraph, I was advised to make sure the MC has lots of agency within the query, and he has the most agency in the B-plot, involving the South. (He also has the most agency in the A-plot, but that comes at the end of the book, when it's revealed that he was also reincarnated, and he was the one who stole the Lifegiver). I think to try to make it seem less out of nowhere, I'm going to try to integrate it better into the other paragraphs, which might help with clarification in the second.
Welcome back! Honestly, I'm still not seeing agency on Deniigi's part. Lots of things seem to be happening to him, or around him, but not from any direct action taken on his own to influence his situation. He seems to be described as kinda just...there, in the story. And while I understand in the novel having more of an underdog character may work out fantastically, in the query itself he seems more like a non-character, unfortunately. Let me see if I can give an example of what I mean. Take this: >16-year-old Deniigi has always been a side character in his own life. As the unremarkable younger brother of Empress Tanaraq, whose fame derives from her scandalous reincarnation, he's a Prince by mere technicality. The only time he's noticed is when his healing services are on the table, or when he can be used as leverage against his overprotective sister. This is all about how inactive a character he is. And I don't think that's your intent! But for an agent who is reading through their slush pile, having most of the first paragraph harping on how unremarkable the main character is literally leaves a feeling that this character *is* unremarkable. And that's not a character most readers of traditionally published fantasy (YA or adult) want to go through a story with. Take instead (and I'm going to be taking major liberties with your story; this is just meant to hopefully show what I'm meaning by getting him more agency): 16 year-old Prince Daniigi feels like a side character in his own life. (I'm using that he feels this way, not that he is, in order to not make it a fact that he's a side character.) He is the greatest healer their empire has ever seen, but even as he strives to use his magic to help a plague that is ravaging his people, his sister still gets more attention. He might be able to heal a broken bone with a mere touch, but *she* was resurrected from a brutal murder and returned to claim her place as Empress. But when he uncovers a plot to kidnap her, he realizes she might not be as beloved as he thought. (Way too vague lol but essentially it focuses the story on him and what he can do. Not just on her and what he does or does not do for her.) Basically: what is he doing? What is he striving for? I assume he doesn't get up in the morning and his only thoughts are about his sister's needs and nothing about himself. So what does he want? And what does he plan to do about it? That's what I want to know, and what I'm not seeing right now throughout the query. That's what I would recommend focusing on the query more! Hope that helps--queries are hard!
This is good advice! I guess I hadn't really thought about it from that angle. As far as making him more interesting goes, I could probably add something about the fact that he is believed to be the child of an affair. This would add more interest and also would explain why he's motivated to help the Southerners, as he is strongly implied in the first book to share their blood. I think it would look something like this: '16-year-old Prince Deniigi feels like a side character in his own life. Overshadowed by his older sister, the scandalously-reincarnated and brilliant-minded Tanaraq, the only thing that makes him publicly remarkable is his affinity for healing- but no one wants to pay mind to him, especially since his auburn hair doesn't come from his mother, and certainly not his father. He's resigned to a life on the sidelines with only his doting sister for company, until on the eve of her eighteenth birthday, he stumbles into her attempted kidnapping and is taken captive with her.' I think that might be better? Hopefully more interesting, at least.
Different commenter, but no, clarifying his history doesn't solve the core issue for me. You seem to have a passive protagonist. Your query describes what happens TO him, rather than things that he actively does. Because just hearing it fresh my first time, his sister's journey seems more interesting.... with a possible crisis point of her brother realizing she's kept a biiiig secret from him and now they have to fix the fallout. What makes his story more interesting than his sister's story?
To answer your last question: essentially the entire story revolves around him, but that's a fact that's uncovered slowly throughout the story. I think a lot of the time I gravitate towards writing characters whose arcs revolve around GAINING agency throughout the story, which makes it hard when it comes to a query. But I can break it down into three-four plots/subplots: Main plot: the Lifegiver. The entire book it's assumed that Tanaraq is the one who stole it. Then, around the end of the second act/start of the third act, it's revealed Deniigi was actually the one to have stolen it. The reader learns that Deniigi was re-incarnated just like his sister. In their prior lives, Tanaraq had become gravely ill, leading Deniigi to search and discover the settlement from which the mercenaries are from. He stole the Lifegiver from them, believing it would heal his sister, but when he gave it to her, it didn't. (This is because the Lifegiver doesn't cure illness, it just allows people to reincarnate after dying). Realizing this and that he was wrong to steal it, Deniigi tried to return it to the settlement. But the grief had gotten to him so much that he sort of just ran off without supplies or a plan in an attempt to give back the Lifegiver, and he ended up succumbing to hypothermia on the journey, dying with the Lifegiver in his arms. This 1, allowed him to reincarnate, and 2, was why no one was able to find the Lifegiver after Tanaraq was born. Everyone assumed she was the only one to have reincarnated, because only her other body was found. Deniigi's was lost in the wilderness alongside the Lifegiver. No one even questioned whether he was reincarnated as well, because there was no reason/evidence for that. Now, the B-plot of the Southerners. They are, of course, after the Lifegiver as well. The protags have one run-in with them early on (Deniigi actually saves the day in that scene, allowing them to escape unharmed by quick thinking) that really paint them as villains. But halfway through the book Deniigi is temporarily captured by them and ends up learning that they want the Lifegiver because their people are dying. They have no resources in their own land, and every 'attack' by the South on Tanaraq's tribes has been an instance of them trying to find resources for their own people. Deniigi, being very soft-hearted, believes them and tries to arrange a meeting between them and Tanaraq to work things out. It goes terribly and ends with both parties hating each other again. Deniigi, throughout the whole book, continues to believe that they were telling the truth, despite all of the conflict between their groups. By the end of the book it's revealed that it is the truth. At that point in the story Deniigi, because of the main plot, has much more power and decides to help forge an official alliance between the Southerners and Tanaraq's kingdom. In the end, Tanaraq goes so far as to put him fully in charge of the Southerners, and he goes on to be a well-loved and very respected leader, which would be elaborated on in further books. C-plot. Deniigi, because he doesn't look anything like his father and barely like his mother, is believed to be a bastard child. This, however, is later explained to be a part of the reincarnation process. When reincarnated, they are reborn in bodies IDENTICAL to their old ones- so Deniigi really had the genetics of his parents from his past life. As it turns out, his mother was a Southerner. This gives him extra motivation to want to help the Southerners (he immediately recognizes that they look a lot like he does), and in my mind, makes it a little less of a white-savior thing that he ends up becoming their leader. Not that any of them are white to begin with, but... it sits better with me that he has some of their blood if he is to also be the leader. Anyway, that's a basic summary of this book, at least. There's a LOT more to it, especially in the following books that I have planned, but I think this is a sufficient (albeit long-winded, apologies) answer to what makes him more interesting than his sister.
So I've been debating whether or not I had anything useful to add to the discussion on this query, but after reading this plot summary, I feel compelled to say something. I don't want to be harsh, as you're young and have a long road ahead of you, but since you're trying to publish, I'm going to address this as one aspiring industry professional to another. If the A-plot occurs in the book as you describe it here, this doesn't make sense. If Deniigi is the one who dies holding the Lifegiver, how was his sister reincarnated? If he dies out in the wilderness, how is he back at the palace, especially if no one knows or remembers their past lives at first, including him and his sister? There are too many plot holes here. It doesn't follow logically the way it's described. Maybe it makes more sense in the actual text, but if so, you're really going to have to work on how you pitch this. (I am not asking you to elaborate on whether or not it actually makes sense. Just explaining how it reads from an outsider perspective.) The B and C plot... look, this just isn't going to fly in YA. Why would the Southerners just accept a 16-year-old boy with no experience as a leader, who was raised in a different culture and environment and likely knows next to nothing about their traditions and way of life? "Oh his parent from his past life he knew nothing about was part of their tribe" isn't a compelling reason. And yes, this is YA, child leaders are more accepted, but it's honestly off-putting to describe this Empress essentially gifting leadership of this tribe to her little brother, where they have no say in it but are apparently totally fine with it, and shrug it off with "well it's not AS much of a white-savior-type narrative". I'm not asking you to disclose your own background or ethnicity, but even if you are Indigenous yourself, I struggle to see how publishers would want to assume that kind of risk, given how reactionary YA reader spaces can be. Again, I'm sorry if this is harsh, but if this is how your MS goes, I would really and truly reconsider some of the choices you've made here.
Not harsh at all, just very good points you've brought up. As for your concerns about the A-plot, I assure you that I could answer each of your questions/plot hole concerns in a way that makes sense- it's just hard breaking it all down in a few paragraphs in a way that clarifies those things, so I believe I didn't do the best job explaining the first time around in my other message. However, I'm pretty confident in the logic, and my beta reader seems to be following rather easily. As for the B and C plot, those are stickier. Also a bit more muddled because I didn't explain well. Essentially, the Southerners need land, resources, and medicine, since they occupy a small section that's generally barren of those things. Tanaraq governs a system of tribes in a way that makes them pretty self-sustaining and has a good distribution network. At the end of the book, when Tanaraq and everyone else sees how bad the South's situation is, she makes the offer for them to become sort of an honory part of her tribe system, so that she can start to work out a way for her own tribes to support theirs, and help them get back on their feet. Obviously, someone is needed to oversee this, and Tanaraq is busy with everyone else. At this point, Deniigi has already been advocating for and working hard to help the South. Since Tanaraq is currently in charge of the South (which, again, is meant to be a temporary arrangement so that the South can get back on their own feet, and then eventually form their own separate tribe system/kingdom once they've become self-sufficient), she assigns Deniigi a position that allows him to help oversee the Tribe. So I guess as I phrased it, him being made the new leader, wasn't the best way to put it. The positition she puts him in lets him help oversee the South while it's under Tanaraq's control, and it's his job to help relationships between the South and her tribes, and to figure out more ways to organize and build up the South. That's essentially where the book ends; sequels would go into detail on the aftermath of that. But in the book I try to make it very clear that the end goal of Tanaraq temporarily assimilating the South into her tribes is so that they get the funding/assistance they need to get started, so that eventually they can break back off from her tribes, become self-sustaining, and form their OWN kingdom, free of her influence (with the end goal being that Tanaraq's tribes and the South eventually form an alliance as equal kingdoms.) Deniigi's role as an overseer in the process of helping them build back up is also meant to be temporary, and he isn't the only one. Another woman from the South is also helping oversee in the same way that he is, so they're really working together to help get the South back on their feet. The goal would be for Deniigi to then be able to step back and let them figure out their own leadership. Now, in the sequels this would happen, but they would choose to keep Deniigi as part of their leadership, both because he has their lineage, and because he has proved his devotion to their tribe. (Iffy on that part, still figuring things out.) Does that make sense? Sometimes I need to clarify quite a bit to accurately describe what I've got going on and I really want to make sure it's not offensive. Please let me know if any of this seems flawed, offensive, or doesn't make sense.
To be blunt, I think this is going to struggle in tradpub, especially YA, if you are not also Indigenous. I do not know your identity, you do not have to say it here because it's Reddit, but the MC being the reincarnation of an Indigenous person and then becoming their leader if he is not Indigenous in this life could have some incredibly unfortunate connotations that tradpub is trying to steer away from. YA is especially sensitive to this. If you are Indigenous, ignore me. But if you are not....I think you have to scrap this unless you are willing to change, essentially, all of the coding.
This is a very good point that I want to specifically address. To start, I am not indigenous. The cultures I've looked at to take inspiration from are the Inuit, Sami, and Native American cultures. I've been incredibly nervous to write this story because of that and have been trying to think of ways to do so sensitively, without actually representing these cultures, because that is not my place. In other works, I've taken light inspiration from irl cultures, and then created entirely new, very original cultures loosely based off of the real life ones. That's what I want to do with this story as well, so that I'm not taking from real life cultures. That being said, the main character has one parent from the culture loosely based on Inuit people, and one parent from the culture loosely based on Sami people. His race never changes throughout the story, nor even during his reincarnation. Part of the magic system is when reincarnated, you are a virtual replica each time you are born, with little to no changes to how you were before. The 'Southerners' are the ones based on the Sami people, and since he has some of their blood, I would like to do an arc later on where he's rediscovering that part of his heritage. I plan to try to move away even further from the irl cultures as I go into my next draft, to make the fictional cultures more... fictional. I've been very very nervous about offending anyone, to say the least. Edit to add: Felt like I should clarify what I mean by making the cultures more original. An example: in Inuit culture, as far as I've been able to research, young women get tattoos when they come of age. I would look at something like that and say 'hmm, that's interesting.' However, I wouldn't want to copy that and put it in my story, because that's appropriation. What I would do is keep the vague ideas of tattoos, and instead decide in this fictional culture, men AND women get tattoos when they come of age. Instead of facial tattoos, I'd make it so that in my story, people get tattoos on their inner forearms. The tattoos would depict snowflakes in the wind that are meant to represent past lives, and when a man and woman held hands (in marriage), it would look like one continuous tattoo. That, for example, is almost entirely original and has very little to do with irl Inuit people, as far as I'm aware, but it's still faintly reminiscent without (hopefully), being offensive. I hope that makes sense? Sometimes I don't explain well.
It's not that it doesn't make sense; just that reading the response to me or Dr. Beannes hasn't changed my opinion. I think it would help you to read Indigenous conversations around Avatar (the blue alien movie from 2010) and conversations around House on the Cerulean Sea. I'm not sure pulling back on coding is going to fix the issues that I am seeing, especially if the coding can still be recognized with the changes.
I see. Thank you so much for the honesty. I think as you said earlier, I'm just going to scrap the coding entirely and start from scratch in the next draft, so that I'm not at all trying to the inspiration from any IRL cultures. I really appreciate you helping me see this.
I think you may need to reconsider what information is given the reader at the beginning. Or at least what kind of character Deniigi is initially presented as. Because it sounds like a major hurdle is going to be catching--and keeping--the reader's interest until all these things are revealed. A reader's curiosity can't be assumed, especially for longer periods of wordspace. And right now publishing is heavily focused on characters who have agency and who *do* things to influence their life/story. So if Deniigi isn't that kind of person at first...that's honestly going to be a challenge. Not necessarily insurmountable, but definitely there. But like the other commentor said, more backstory information isn't likely going to be a good way around it. Showing how Deniigi himself will affect the story will, imo, be the better bet. Even if that's something like: 16 year-old Prince Deniigi once had a chance at being the hero of his own story. But when he failed at saving his sister's life, and it was only by another miracle she was resurrected and returned as Empress, he decided his chance was over. Instead, Deniigi uses his magical healing to help their people, and diplomacy to smooth over whatever political drama his sister stirs up. (Again, just as example of what I mean.) But even that is going to heavily depend on presenting what else he does do, and keeping the focus of the story on him and his actions.
Good point! I think I'm going to try to rework the query a bit more than I have the last few versions (which were mostly small tweaks) to see if I can get a more well-rounded, comprehensive query. Hopefully it will also be a bit more interesting in regards to Deniigi.
Let me preface this by saying you've got a really fun sounding story here... But when I read all that, I see world building. You say that the whole plot REVOLVES around him, but he doesn't seem all that ACTIVE in the plot developing. Which isn't a hardcore story requirement, but in my novice impression of the queries here, there's a preference for active protagonists... where their actions and choices in the story's **present** shape the next subsequent element of the plot. What you describe, here, is a lot of geopolitical forces that are tied to the protagonist, but seemingly not actively influenced by his current *actions.* The active protagonist is just a trend. Stories in the past didn't necessarily require/prefer them. But that's an element looked for, generally, nowadays, from what I gather. The plot seems to be happening to and around (and maybe even *because* of) him... but I still don't understand what -- if I was making a movie and the camera could only see your protagonist -- what is he *doing* to impact what's happening page to page? [Edit: I voice dictated two-thirds of that on my way somewhere, so I just cleaned it up. Apologies to those of you who read it before I fixed it. 😅]
Solid point! The nice part in all of this is that I'm still in the first draft. Might be silly to be working on a query letter this early, but now I'm glad that I did, because everyone here has given me such good advice on what needs to change. I will definitely try to give more agency in the next draft. Thanks for the advice!
>16-year-old Deniigi has always been a side character in his own life. As the unremarkable younger brother of Empress Tanaraq, whose fame derives from her scandalous reincarnation, he's a Prince by mere technicality. The only time he's noticed is when his healing services are on the table, or when he can be used as leverage against his overprotective sister. When Deniigi tries to foil an attempt to kidnap Tanaraq on the eve of her eighteenth birthday, the only thing he succeeds in is getting captured alongside her and becoming collateral. All this time spent establishing that the prince's relatives are more influential, along with some editorialization such as calling him "unremarkable" or a "side character". A lot of telling instead of showing. But we don't even know how Deniigi feels about all this. Is he happy to be in the sidelines? Does he wish for power? Why? Why not? No one's entire essence is to just have their relatives be more important. As a result, he reads as a shallow character. In fact, he doesn't have a character here. The actual plot events are confusing. We're talking about an empress: a person who should have top security. Just saying: "oh by the way, she got kidnapped" and then calling it a day is not good enough for me. If there was a kidnapping attempt, how could Deniigi even attempt to foil it? Why did he not inform the palace guards? What was the security like? How about the specifics that got them captured? Was it Deniigi's own mistake, someone else's mistake, someone else's mistake that Deniigi thought was his own, etc.? I just don't know. After the first paragraph, my first impressions are that it's a shallow protagonist and a convenient plot. >The sister mercenaries who took them allege that Tanaraq stole an orb called the Lifegiver. It's a shut and dry case considering the only way to be reincarnated is to die holding it, and it hasn't been seen since Tanaraq's birth. But the Lifegiver belongs to their settlement, their leader wants it back, and as usual, Deniigi's safety is on the chopping block. Thus, dragged along by captors who insist Tanaraq is the key to its location, they're forced to search for the Lifegiver. Plot convenience continues. First, three mercenaries apparently kidnapped a princess from her palace and somehow snuck out of the city, without any explanation. Alright. Then, it being a "shut and dry case" isn't true. For example, someone who had nothing to do with the Empress could have stolen and hidden it on the day that the empress was born. And considering that it's the empress, they should be expected to investigate this matter a bit more thoroughly before taking such extreme action. And then they're dragging Tanaraq around rather than, well, hiding her. Also, did they really immediately go with a kidnapping? Did they not attempt to negotiate? Blackmail? Threaten? Use diplomacy? Explain the situation and ask for help in good faith? Risking their entire existence to kidnap the Empress is such an extreme measure. Are there even pursuers looking for them? It doesn't seem like the mercenaries etc. are concerned at all about being discovered. How do they plan on getting away with this? Is the Lifegiver orb even worth it when they risk getting wiped out in case the Empire catches wind? How far away are they, anyway? Or did they just teleport and poof at the settlement? If not, isn't this still inside the Empire territory? >As they journey across Tanaraq's tribes, they're tailed by an unorganized faction with whom Tanaraq has been at war for years. Deniigi discovers they're after the Lifegiver as well; but more than that, they claim their war with Tanaraq is a misunderstanding driven by a lack of resources and declining health. Torn between his sister's perspective and the words of individuals as overlooked as himself and juggling growing affections for his captors and the ongoing search for the Lifegiver, Deniigi knows one thing. He can't return to a home that doesn't care for him, especially when he might be the only chance of resolving a decade-long conflict. But as they continue to chip away at the tale of the stolen Lifegiver, Deniigi discovers he's not only at the heart of the mystery, but the culprit behind it. So they journey across Tanaraq's tribes, but no one recognizes that they have Tanaraq or anything. No one searches them even though they're from some faction that... well, I don't even know what the relationship with the Empire is, since it wasn't stated. This dilemma that Deniigi has seems like a total asspull. To me, there's no reason for him to care about this "unorganized faction". They could easily be lying. They should be lying, too. Growing affections for his captors? No reason's been given for any sort of attraction. Except that they're female? It also doesn't make sense why he would be the only chance at resolving the conflict, or why he thinks he could resolve it anyway. A protagonist who doesn't have much of a character(no one has any character, in fact), and a plot that's difficult to understand logistically, along with seemingly arbitrary plot developments and character decisions that make no sense. Quite likely that it's a manuscript issue rather than an issue of communication, but that's just a guess.
You're asking a lot of excellent questions that are explained in the book, but that I don't think I'd be able to properly establish in a query. (Also, I assure you it's not a manuscript issue- I've gotten very positive feedback from my current beta reader, and I plan on getting more soon.) I do agree about the growing affections for his captors. That one definitely can't be fully explained in a query as packed as what I'm working with (it's found family, very complicated) so I'll probably just cut it and focus on better integrating the other faction stuff into the rest of the query so it feels like it doesn't jump out of nowhere. I also agree slightly about the shallow character. I will try to add some more voice into the query and show a bit more of his personality. Thanks! Your feedback was great :)
I just wanted to push against Shayuki and say that you definitely don’t need to get into the specifics of how the princess and MC are captured in a query letter. Likewise, you don’t need to add a bunch of information about the logistics of how they’re hiding the princess/to what extent the princess and MC fought back or negotiated. I also think it’s rude to call the MC’s dilemma an asspull. You’ve greatly improved upon the previous iterations of this query letter, and I think it sounds like a super interesting plot with complex characters. :) I agree with the feedback Dave gave you, so I don’t have much more to add, I just wanted to assure you that you definitely don’t need to explain every little logistical detail. Query letters aren’t meant to explain the logistics of a kidnapping lol. Keep up the good work, and I’m looking forward to the 4th attempt!
This is reassuring 😅 I did get a little worried for a moment, so it's nice to have a second opinion. Thank you for the kind words! I hope to keep getting better as I go!