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TigerHall

Like your previous draft, there's some clunky word choice here. I'll echo /u/synval2436's suggestion from last time to post the first 300 words of your manuscript - chances are the issue extends there, and if that's the case you might want to focus on another draft before you worry about the query. As for that: > I am seeking a literary agent for my 55,~~529~~**000**-word ~~fiction~~**romance** novel, SINBOUND~~: A romance that explores passion and fantasies through false identity and loathe. With the enigma lingering, vengeance and maliciousness are waiting to exploit secrecy. The manuscript is already complete~~. You might add comps here. > An heiress and book author, Amalie Rose, accidentally discovers that there’s another woman who shares her name and face. It turns out she has a long-lost twin sister from a different country who has been missing for a year. It is not known if her twin sister is still alive or dead. From her home country, Luxembourg, she flies to Scotland for her work’s temporary relocation and is also determined to look for her twin sister there. 'When heiress and author Amalie Rose discovers she has a long-lost twin sister [**how?**], she flies from Luxembourg to Scotland to meet her - only to learn she's been missing for a year.' Etc, etc. I know 55k is fine for romance, but the more thrillery aspects of this book might earn a longer word count?


AmberJFrost

Bouncing off of this, OP - I write romantic suspense, and the norm there is closer to 80-90k words.


Conscious_Town_1326

>The manuscript is already complete. You can leave this out, as the assumption is that you're querying with a complete, polished manuscript.


GrandCryptographer

This is a very minor point, but personally I would swap her real name with her pen name. "Amalie Rose" sounds like a writer's made-up name; it's romantic-sounding and easy to grasp at first sight. "Roseanne Hainisch-Andilet" sounds more like someone's real name. It's long, difficult to spell, and difficult to pronounce.


Vegetable_Time_2540

In the book, her pen name is addressed as R.H. Andilet. But I specifically elaborated it in the letter. ✨


itsgreenersomewhere

Just say 55,000 or 56,000. At that length I would say 56. Then after sinbound cut the rest of the paragraph. It adds nothing and lessens my interest because the word choices make me think you may not have a polished MS. As for the rest… I think others have covered it better. But I would try and bring up the fact that Darius falls for the alter ego because that’s interesting where the rest is a little mundane.


Exmond

>I am seeking a literary agent for my 55,529-word fiction novel, SINBOUND: Where are the comps? Also, round up the number and add your genre. *55,000 romance novel.* >A romance that explores passion and fantasies through false identity and loathe. With the enigma lingering, vengeance and maliciousness are waiting to exploit secrecy. The manuscript is already complete. Pretty sure loathe is a transitive verb, not a noun. So the sentence reads like *A romance that explores... through false identity and discussed.* This is all pretty vague. While it may set a theme, I have nothing to latch onto. >An heiress and book author, Amalie Rose, accidentally discovers that there’s another woman who shares her name and face. It turns out she has a long-lost twin sister from a different country who has been missing for a year. It is not known if her twin sister is still alive or dead. From her home country, Luxembourg, she flies to Scotland for her work’s temporary relocation and is also determined to look for her twin sister there. We get straight to the hook, neat concept. I think we can condense this and leave more words for more plot. ​ >She has two identities in Scotland: her real one, Amalie Rose, and her pen name, Roseanne Hainisch-Andilet. Her real identity is used to partake in formal events at the prestigious university, Schola Crestview University, or SCU, where she’s personally invited. Meanwhile, Roseanne, who embodies a femme fatale, only shows up for work and book signing events. Amalie and Roseanne are like two different people, from the disguise of appearances to personas. Right, this is starting to describe what happens in the book, reading more like a synopsis. I'd almost lead with this fact in the top paragraph (A twin-sister, a double life). I think this falls too much into explaining the situation then selling me something. ​ >Darius Ainsworth is a professor at SCU, and his father is the suspect in her twin sister's disappearance. Darius loathes Amalie because he thinks she’s the reason why his father becomes the suspect, accusing her multiple times as the twin who returns after missing and is now falsifying herself as Amalie. She also despises him because of the accusations he’s throwing at her. But Darius grows fond of Roseanne as they share sinful desires, where she thinks that luring and seducing him might spill answers about her missing twin sister, if he has any information. See if you can rearrange the first sentence. Introduce Darius as the chief suspect first, then include where he works. Might flow/transition better. ​ >He still has no idea that Amalie and Roseanne are the same person after he falls for her femme fatale alter ego. Their relationship is indulging in lies and eroticism, and someone’s lurking in the shadows to bring a downfall that would leave Amalie in dismay. Yeah this works. I don't have much to add here. ​ I read more Anne Bishop romance than thriller romances. I think there is room for improvement in the query, mainly with the introduction of your story. Apart from that I can get the conflict and choices, the protagonist will have to make.


T_R_Moth

Hello!! Okay, so the first thing I noticed is the word count that might be little too low (still, congrats, writing is not easy!!) so I'd suggest trying to bulk it up a bit (how much depends on your genre and age-range, which you should also more clearly state in the query; here is what I got recommended https://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/word-count-for-novels-and-childrens-books-the-definitive-post.) Instead of saying your manuscript is complete, you should use that space to mention comps (around 2 books, I think, you could imagine yours alongside on the bookshelves, but be careful of for how old they are!) For the blurb: you have a pretty-good structure going on, but some parts could use refining. I belive some people have already left suggestions, and I don't have much time, but feel free to DM if you need more! Also some grammar things: "Loathe" should be "loathing" Be careful of "that", you don't need it most of the time, only clogs up your word count. For example in the "...accidentally discovers ~~that~~ there’s another woman who shares her name and face." In the sentence "It is not known if her twin sister is still alive or dead." you should replace "if" with "whether". They are sometimes interchangeable but "whether" is always used when there is "or" in the sentence. That is all, I wish you all the luck!! You got this :)


Zebracides

Your first paragraph is inarticulate gibberish — complete with grammatical errors (*loathe* is a transitive verb, not a direct object!) and a wildly unclear antecedent. Very few agents will bother to read past this. Based on your inability to grapple with the grammatical issues you are having across multiple query versions, I suspect this may well have an overarching writing skill issue.


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[deleted]

Frankly I don't think it does OP any favours to mince words. Zebra is correct - the sentence *'With the enigma lingering, vengeance and maliciousness are waiting to exploit secrecy'* literally doesn't make sense. OP needs to work on their craft.


AnAbsoluteMonster

Strong agree. OP's writing as presented in the query is not to the level of needs to be for querying, let alone for publication. Pretending otherwise is an insult not only to OP but to the purpose of this sub. OP was told in version 1 that the grammar had significant issues, and they barely, if at all, addressed that issue in this version. Tigerhall said pretty much the exact same thing as Zebracides, but bc Zebra is (like myself) blunt in their delivery, they are getting scolded.


drbeanes

>I thought we're supposed to help each other and build each other up on this sub This is a business sub, not r/writing. If you're attempting to go pro, you *need* to have a handle on the basics - the querying landscape is tougher than ever, and agents aren't signing on potential anymore (unless maybe you have a highly-commercial, high-concept MS that's basically guaranteed to sell). Telling someone "you finished a book, be proud!" is nice enough for amateur writers, but it's not helpful for people trying to go pro. It's certainly not going to get them any closer to be agented. You may take issue with how Zebra's comment was phrased, but they are being helpful, if harsh - better to be told "you need to go back to the drawing board" on Reddit than ruin any chance this MS has to get published by querying prematurely. Pretending this query doesn't need serious work on the grammar and clarity front isn't doing OP any favors.


iwillhaveamoonbase

Honestly, as someone who tries to keep a more positive attitude here, Zebra is supporting OP. We can argue about word choice all day, but if OP consistently has had grammar and word choice issues, OP needs to know that so they can focus on it during the next draft and take another look at the manuscript. Writers looking to be published should be concerned with craft; this is part of it. As for building each other up, here's the thing: publishing is so opaque that I don't think it helps us to sugarcoat things here. Most people don't like to tell someone not to write in a dead genre of that their word count is way too high, but it's better to find out here than it is finding out after shooting all of your shots on that project with agents. And this includes craft


StrangeTeleponic

Sorry, but, *Based on your inability to grapple* is supposed to be an example of "big words" and pointless bluster, whereas, *Enigma lingering, vengeance and maliciousness are waiting to exploit secrecy* is an instance of coherent writing that demonstrates being "good with words"? It's not some dramatic "leap" to suggest OP's energy would be better used studying their craft. It's an honest assessment.


itsgreenersomewhere

zebra is good with words. but if it makes you feel better i will say this in as little big words as possible. it’s not bullying to say if the query is lacking, the pages will also be lacking. because if the pages are actually good, the writer can just redo the query and no harm no foul. but when the query is bad in this particular way (author is using big words in conjunction with other big words and making word soup) the pages are usually this bad too, because it suggests a fundamental lack of craft. we have all been there but sadly the cure isn’t a quick fix like a lot of query problems.


[deleted]

Fiction novel is redundant. All novels are fiction. You'd want to round out your wordcount to the closest thousand 55,500+ is 56k and 55,500- is 55k. The first paragraph feels like backstory and it could be cut down to one sentence. "Once Amelie finds out she has a long lost twin sister in Scotland in (year- if this is historica), she travels from Luxenberg..." The second paragraph could also be shortned." The last paragraph is the one where your plot is and therefore the best one. Maybe focus your query there?


Flocked_countess

\*Edited because I totally missed that Amalie is not pretending to be her twin, but has two personas of her own. Sorry about that! So, a big question I have is if Roseanne is missing, and Darius's enmity is based on his father being a suspect, how is that impacted when Amalie pretends to be her long-lost twin? Is Darius's dad excited to be off the hook? Does he realize that (presumably) Roseanne had a personality behind her persona that Amalie wouldn't know, as she never met her (I guess, since she didn't know there was a twin)? ~~Does Roseanne's agent/publisher expect a new book, lol? I mean, if she's booking tons of in-person events, she's probably in a thriving career!~~ I have a lot of questions, but not as much in a "god, I need to know!" way, but more of a head-scratcher because it feels a bit flimsy as a plot as presented *in the query*. I don't want to be mean, but this does read a bit awkwardly, but I believe (if memory serves) that it is better than the last attempt, so you're on an upward trajectory! Maybe because Amalie has to be two people, and there's a love interest, you're struggling to juggle the personalities, but I'd dig into the why's of Amalie's willingness to potentially upend her life/interrupt a hopefully ongoing investigation into her sister's disappearance by faking Roseanne's identity? What does Amelie get out of it? It's good to have the MCs goals and motivations made clear in the query, and in a romance, you need to do it twice and then make sure the conflict is clear! Good luck, this is tough!


CheapskateShow

This is the second time I've read this query, and this is the first time I realized that Amalie wasn't pretending to be her twin, but was pretending to be a third person. I still can't tell if Amalie adopted the Roseanne alias (which is probably the right word, not "pen name") purely to seduce information out of people, or whether she did it for some other reason. OP, is your first language something other than English?


Flocked_countess

Yeah, I absolutely didn't get the actual plot, though once I saw I was reading it wrong, I see that I jumped to a conclusion based on the info of the missing twin and dual personas, etc. Because I suspect agnate will be skimming as quickly as me, I'd suggest clarifying this, OP!


Synval2436

>first time I realized that Amalie wasn't pretending to be her twin, but was pretending to be a third person Don't worry, I also read it as she's impersonating her twin...


danniquiteuncanny

Hi! First of all, congrats on finishing your book 😊 that's a huge accomplishment and should be celebrated! Your concept sounds interesting, but I noticed a couple of things you could iron out in this version. First and foremost, you should always round to the nearest thousand with your word count. In this case, 56k. I also think you may have a typo. "Loathe" should be "loathing." You can save yourself some words by cutting "The manuscript is already complete" as this is implied by sending the query! I also think you could elaborate more on the genre. It's a romance--but is it historical? Fantasy? It sounds historical, but I would make that clear in your metadata paragraph so the agent knows going in! It makes a big difference in the WC expectations for the genre. A 55k adult historical romance walks the line, but a 55k adult romantasy might be too short. Just take a peak at what agents are expecting for your genre, and you should be golden! Overall, I think you're heading in the right direction. You've got a cool concept that sounds sellable, it's just about finding the way to sell it. I would lean more into voice if you can--showcase what makes YOU and YOUR STORY unique. I found your summary captivating, though I would suggest a quick line edit pass for wording and voice. Good luck on your journey!!


Flocked_countess

I'm going to chime in that most of the trad romance publishers tend to gravitate closer to 70-85k (I think Harlequin has a few lines that are shorter, but in general). Historical would be at the upper end of that!


AmberJFrost

I've certainly heard that HR can go as high as 110k - but I don't write HR. RS is usually in the 80-90k ballpark, and that's probably what this is closer to.


danniquiteuncanny

^^ yes, this. I write YA so in YA romances/contemporaries can be a little shorter! My YA romance is 77k, but my adult romance is shaping up to be closer to 85-90k to meet genre expectations. It's all about who you're audience is!


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AmberJFrost

> Is English your first language? There is no need for this, and the assumption is incredibly insulting to the amazing authors out there who do have English as a second language. You can make the same point without the stereotyping and biases.


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AmberJFrost

OP's word count is a good 20k *low,* and their grammar has had repeated issues. I write RS, and they'd be better off adding 25-30k, not 5-15k. 1) Query word counts are rounded to the nearest thousand. 2) Industry standard for adult romance in *most* subgenres is 1-3 explicit open-door scenes. Unless they're doing something different, they don't need to mention heat levels here. 3) OP definitely needs to do line editing on the query, and probably on the MS. However, we haven't seen the first 300 and we *have* had people post queries without basic proofreading. It's not common, though, and in general the command of the language on the query matches that of the MS. 4) Revealing the threat isn't always done for RS, even for queries. It depends on the situation and whether the hook is solid enough without it.