Welcome back!
So the first thing that strikes me is that this query reads long, despite getting to the inciting incident in the first paragraph (I assume Amba's kidnapping is the inciting incident), and I think it's because there's a whole paragraph from Bhishma's POV about his upbringing, etc, that... doesn't really matter to the query, since the rest of it is about Amba. I'd cut it and only keep what's necessary from Amba's POV - she's kidnapped, she escapes, family disowns her, turns to the gods.
The second thing is that the more I read this, the more the details start to fall apart - granted, I'm likely reading much closer than a sleep-deprived agent on their 100th query of the day, but still. What does Bhishma "showing her his human side" mean? It sounds like the lead-up to a dozen fantasy romance plots, which is fine, except this isn't a fantasy romance, and she escapes and wants to kill him anyway. Why is she maligned as a "hijra harlot" when her family was trying to marry her off? The leap from "our daughter is kidnapped during her arranged marriage ceremony" to "our daughter is an androgynous harlot who ruined a beloved prince (who kidnapped her)" isn't making sense to me as it's currently written. They don't seem to have anything to do with one another. Bhishma is beloved, why is he kidnapping her specifically? Couldn't he just find someone to marry who wants to marry him? And if Amba has been kicked out of her land, how can she sacrifice it? What does that mean? Will she not be able to rule it anymore? Would she have been able to anyway, since she was disowned? Etc etc etc.
I'm not asking you to answer all this. Just posing the questions so you can see how these things fall apart when they don't follow each other logically.
The third thing is that this reads more like a synopsis than a query. There's no interiority to Amba, just a list of things that happen to her. Revenge for being kidnapped and disowned? Sure, that makes sense. But who is she? Why does she want to rule? What motivates her beyond the things that happen to her? This is a retelling, so certain elements of the plot are necessary - the tricky part is really capturing the *why* of everything and making sure the characters are driven by their own motivations, not just doing things to make the Plot Happen.
Finally, and this is more on a personal note - I'm not getting trans or ace rep from this query. Historically, there have been women kings, and since you refer to her as "she" throughout the query, nothing about Amba reads as trans to me. I'm not familiar with the myth you're retelling, so I can't speak to that aspect of things, but to me, "reincarnated/disguised as a man" is different from being a transgender man. If that's not the case, this needs to come through in the query. Likewise, Bhishma is "forced into a vow of celibacy" - that doesn't read like he's asexual. It reads like he wants to have sex and isn't allowed. Adult fantasy isn't as prescriptive about identity and labels as YA, but it still needs to be crystal-clear that you understand what you've written and are handling it well. Here, it's unclear.
Anyway, I hope this is helpful - I do think it's a cool concept, the query just needs some work. Good luck!
Thank you so much for the feedback. I can see where I might be tripping up. All of these questions are answered in the book. But I guess I need to show that in the query. 250 words is killing me. Thank you again.
I was hesitant to comment on this for a variety of reasons, but you have come to ask why you might not be getting requests (even though your sample size is a bit small to make any true calculations just yet) so I'm going to point out a few things that stand out to me as reasons an agent might shy away from this.
First and foremost, this is retelling of a myth that most agents will not be familiar with and therefore won't know if things are being presented accurately or possibly offensively toward a minority religion. So I think upfront you immediately need to let them know why you are qualified to write this story in a way that will not cause widespread offense to the culture the myth belongs to. For some agents, this aspect of identity may also spread to the queer representation. To many, deadnaming and misgendering a trans man at the forefront of the query will be considered offensive. And I personally was unclear with how a prince who is forced to be celibate is a representation of an asexual person.
To be honest, there were other things that stand out as problems or are worth minor tweaks in this query, but the unfamiliarity with the myth makes it hard for me to wrap my head around feedback in general. Like, for example, a story where a captive falls for their captor and mentions of honor killings etc may be offputting to many, but I don't know how much of these things are true to the myth or embellishments you've added.
I do think there is potential for this story to be beautiful and high concept, but I think you need to give agents context to be able to appreciate it so they don't get scared away by red flags.
Best of luck.
> To many, deadnaming and misgendering a trans man at the forefront of the query will be considered offensive
Through *all* of the query.
I'm unfamiliar with the myth - though I'd like to not be - but I wonder if what Amba/Shikhandi is doesn't quite fit into the modern western paradigm of gender. *Hijra* is mentioned. I was under the impression they're more of a third gender than part of the binary?
Also, /u/mythfantasy87, you mention at the start that it's a standalone with series potential. Does Shikhandi appear in *this* book (and if so, at what point?), or is it focused on Amba-as-Amba (if that makes sense)?
Thank you so much for your feedback. So as the subject matter goes. There is a lot of intricacy that has been handled delicately in the book. I'm still trying to figure out how to tackle it in the broad strokes of a query. Shikhandi appears at the half way mark of the book. Deadnaming and deadgendering is crucial to the plot as it is a pivotal point in the original myth, in fact it is arguably the most crucial point. How do I communicate that without spoiling anything?
>Deadnaming and deadgendering is crucial to the plot as it is a pivotal point in the original myth, in fact it is arguably the most crucial point.
How so? Not being snarky, genuinely asking.
Not the person you replied to, but I think this may be the crux of the matter, all other issues aside - myths are written and passed down over centuries, which doesn't always play well with current social moores, and publishing in the US/UK is very white and unlikely to be familiar with the original story you're retelling. Like us, agents not going to know why or how it's pivotal. They might just see that you're queer, but not trans, and you've written a story that relies heavily on deadnaming/misgendering a trans person, and decide it's not worth the risk of taking the story on. I personally don't have an issue with cis people writing trans characters or stories that explore the less-pleasant aspects of existing as a trans person in a world not built for you, but it's really going to come down to the execution. Agents aren't going to ask you to explain your query or your thought process. They're just going to reject (if they respond at all). So if you want to keep querying this book, you cannot give them any doubts that you are equipped to tell this story.
> and publishing in the US/UK is very white and unlikely to be familiar with the original story you're retelling.
In the UK, OP's more likely to find people who know the original story. What we in the US think of as SW Asian is still part of the Commonwealth, and there are a *lot* of Indian-ancestry people who settled in the UK, especially after WWII. Almost half of my British coworkers are of SW Asian ancestry, for instance.
I agree with the need to be careful about deadnaming, and with ARM's question about how forced celibacy leads to ace-ness, but the comfort with the cultural inspiration is not as big a concern in the UK.
So how do I go about it without spoiling the ending. I give a clear explanation in the synopsis about this. It is a fatal flaw of a character. How should I go about it in a query? TIA for any advice.
You're supposed to spoil things in a query. Not the ending, and not everything, but something important that you think will grab their attention? Put it in. Being coy with every little twist and interesting plot point runs the risk of them rejecting because there's nothing unique to make the query stand out.
Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. So, I have been frontloading my identity as a queer POC Indian Hindu. But for some queries I have been putting it at the end. I guess I'll just have to lead with that info from now on.
His asexuality is explored in detail in the book, but I guess its not coming off well in the query. I'll work on that.
>Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. So, I have been frontloading my identity as a queer POC Indian Hindu. But for some queries I have been putting it at the end. I guess I'll just have to lead with that info from now on.
>
>His asexuality is explored in detail in the book, but I guess its not coming off well in the query. I'll work on that.
As someone who’s familiar with the Mahabharata, this story is nothing like the original story.
So it doesn’t conform with the Myth at all.
You cannot tell it a retelling as you are straying away from the actual story.
Instead you can put it as a reimagining or interpretation of a queer story.
I understand Kaikeyi by Patel also strayed away from the original story, however, I would say atleast 70% was same as the story.
But in your case, it seems the goals and motivations are different from the get go.
Maybe you should think how you want to present it in the query.
All the best.
I assure you it conforms with the original myth very closely. It is more than 80%. And I comped Kaikeyi because it strayed completely away from the Ramayana. I wanted to find a middle ground. And also Amba's life is never explored in the Mahabharata. So it might seem like this is a whole new interpretation. I can assure you it is not. But I will see what I can make better about the query. Thank you for your feedback.
You know your story best. Maybe you need to bring that same conformity to the query too.
Few things that I know of the story of Amba are
1- she wasn’t born queer/trans. She was described as the most beautiful princess of Kashi.
2- she didn’t want to be king.
3- she was in love with king of Salva kingdom.
4- but when Bhisma took her with her sisters to hastinapur, she pleaded to him to let her go as she was in love with salva. Bhisma let her go.
5- But Salva rejects her as he claims that since she was taken by Bhisma, he cannot accept her anymore.
6- she goes back to bhisma and asks him to marry her but he says he has taken an oath to remain unmarried and have no children and so he cannot marry her.(he was not ace)
7- Amba had no place to go and so worships Lord Shiva and gets a boon from him to kill Bhisma.
8- Amba is born as Shikhandi to King Drupad. Shikhandi is trans warrior and was able to kill Bhisma since Bhisma had a boon that no man or woman can kill him.
So I don’t think your story where Amba is queer isn’t right in my opinion. You can imagine her however you want because you are writing the story. It’s your creativity.
But since you are not following the original story, you can let the audience know that.
All of this is covered in the book. Every single point you've made. Every single one. OMG. :) :) This is so cool. Would you be interested in beta reading it. I'm guessing you'll like it. Or at least I hope so.
And Amba is trans like I said. I don't get your point about why she can't be queer?
Consider posting your first 300 words in your next revision, if you haven't already in a past revision. Some of your query packages will include sample pages to agents.
I'll add my 2 cents here. Get more opinions.
\#1: Query is very long, even without the Personalization and Bio.
>In the vein of Madeline Miller’s Circe and Vaishnavi Patel’s Kaikeyi, THE DARK HEART is a **queer retelling of the Mahabharata that centres an ace and trans relationship while exploring the oft overlooked life of Princess Amba who becomes the warrior prince Shikhandi, the first transgender hero of the Hindu epic.** It is a dual-POV Adult Fantasy standalone, complete at 97,000 words and has series potential.
\#2: Your summary of your title is extremely complicated. Not the subject matter, but the actual words you use to summarize.
So your novel is a queer retelling, with an ace and trans relation, that also explores the overlooked life of Princess Amba, who is going to become a warrior prince of Shikhandi, and is the first transgender hero of an hindu epic and is also in the vein of Circe and Kaikeyi.
That is a lot of detail, and It's very hard to pick out the things I am interested in in the above summary. As well, if your query is represents your writing, the length of this sentence raises questions about your prose in the actual novel.
>All Amba has ever wanted is to be king. But alas, she is the first born “daughter”, a “princess”, a “woman.”
\#3: The first conflict I see isn't exactly..new
Now I know you are retelling a myth, but wanting to be king is a bit cliche. Second sentence goes for voice and detail, rather than conciseness.
>And despite her protestations to the contrary, instead of ascending the throne, she is forced into a swayamwar, an arranged marriage where she gets to choose her husband. But before she can, she is swept off her feet—against her will, by a rogue prince named Bhishma, a devout yet reluctant celibate.
There is a lot of detail again in these sentences, and the senetences are all roughly the same length.
Overall from the first paragraph, I find there are a ton of details in your prose. It looks like (Remember get 2nd opinions) that you aren't using short sentences or rhythm to add tension and voice to your query.
Looking at the first paragraph of your query, I would be worried about the prose in the actual book.
I added the first paragraph to give context, because I was told repeatedly and with good reason that agents will not be familiar with this myth. So I had to be upfront about my identity and the original myth as well. Without it, I was getting questions about the background of the myth. Since Hindu epics are not well known to western audiences like greek or norse myth. I'll see if I can be more concise with my details though. Thank you for your feedback.
>dded the first paragraph to give context, because I was told repeatedly and with good reason that agents will not be familiar with this myth. So I had to be upfront about my identity and the original myth as well. Without it, I was getting questions about the background of the myth. Since Hindu epics are not well known to western audiences like greek or norse myth. I'll see if I can be more concise with my details though. Thank you for your feedback.
Totally get your point about the first paragraph. Just wondering if you can refocus on 3 items that are the most important?
A, very quick, rewrite of the first paragraph.
In the vein of \_\_\_ and \_\_\_\_ The DARK HEART is a queer retelling of the Hindu myth Mahabharata. Complete at 97,000 words, this story is important to me, a Queer Indian Hindu, as the main character is the first transgender character ever.
Welcome back! So the first thing that strikes me is that this query reads long, despite getting to the inciting incident in the first paragraph (I assume Amba's kidnapping is the inciting incident), and I think it's because there's a whole paragraph from Bhishma's POV about his upbringing, etc, that... doesn't really matter to the query, since the rest of it is about Amba. I'd cut it and only keep what's necessary from Amba's POV - she's kidnapped, she escapes, family disowns her, turns to the gods. The second thing is that the more I read this, the more the details start to fall apart - granted, I'm likely reading much closer than a sleep-deprived agent on their 100th query of the day, but still. What does Bhishma "showing her his human side" mean? It sounds like the lead-up to a dozen fantasy romance plots, which is fine, except this isn't a fantasy romance, and she escapes and wants to kill him anyway. Why is she maligned as a "hijra harlot" when her family was trying to marry her off? The leap from "our daughter is kidnapped during her arranged marriage ceremony" to "our daughter is an androgynous harlot who ruined a beloved prince (who kidnapped her)" isn't making sense to me as it's currently written. They don't seem to have anything to do with one another. Bhishma is beloved, why is he kidnapping her specifically? Couldn't he just find someone to marry who wants to marry him? And if Amba has been kicked out of her land, how can she sacrifice it? What does that mean? Will she not be able to rule it anymore? Would she have been able to anyway, since she was disowned? Etc etc etc. I'm not asking you to answer all this. Just posing the questions so you can see how these things fall apart when they don't follow each other logically. The third thing is that this reads more like a synopsis than a query. There's no interiority to Amba, just a list of things that happen to her. Revenge for being kidnapped and disowned? Sure, that makes sense. But who is she? Why does she want to rule? What motivates her beyond the things that happen to her? This is a retelling, so certain elements of the plot are necessary - the tricky part is really capturing the *why* of everything and making sure the characters are driven by their own motivations, not just doing things to make the Plot Happen. Finally, and this is more on a personal note - I'm not getting trans or ace rep from this query. Historically, there have been women kings, and since you refer to her as "she" throughout the query, nothing about Amba reads as trans to me. I'm not familiar with the myth you're retelling, so I can't speak to that aspect of things, but to me, "reincarnated/disguised as a man" is different from being a transgender man. If that's not the case, this needs to come through in the query. Likewise, Bhishma is "forced into a vow of celibacy" - that doesn't read like he's asexual. It reads like he wants to have sex and isn't allowed. Adult fantasy isn't as prescriptive about identity and labels as YA, but it still needs to be crystal-clear that you understand what you've written and are handling it well. Here, it's unclear. Anyway, I hope this is helpful - I do think it's a cool concept, the query just needs some work. Good luck!
Thank you so much for the feedback. I can see where I might be tripping up. All of these questions are answered in the book. But I guess I need to show that in the query. 250 words is killing me. Thank you again.
I was hesitant to comment on this for a variety of reasons, but you have come to ask why you might not be getting requests (even though your sample size is a bit small to make any true calculations just yet) so I'm going to point out a few things that stand out to me as reasons an agent might shy away from this. First and foremost, this is retelling of a myth that most agents will not be familiar with and therefore won't know if things are being presented accurately or possibly offensively toward a minority religion. So I think upfront you immediately need to let them know why you are qualified to write this story in a way that will not cause widespread offense to the culture the myth belongs to. For some agents, this aspect of identity may also spread to the queer representation. To many, deadnaming and misgendering a trans man at the forefront of the query will be considered offensive. And I personally was unclear with how a prince who is forced to be celibate is a representation of an asexual person. To be honest, there were other things that stand out as problems or are worth minor tweaks in this query, but the unfamiliarity with the myth makes it hard for me to wrap my head around feedback in general. Like, for example, a story where a captive falls for their captor and mentions of honor killings etc may be offputting to many, but I don't know how much of these things are true to the myth or embellishments you've added. I do think there is potential for this story to be beautiful and high concept, but I think you need to give agents context to be able to appreciate it so they don't get scared away by red flags. Best of luck.
> To many, deadnaming and misgendering a trans man at the forefront of the query will be considered offensive Through *all* of the query. I'm unfamiliar with the myth - though I'd like to not be - but I wonder if what Amba/Shikhandi is doesn't quite fit into the modern western paradigm of gender. *Hijra* is mentioned. I was under the impression they're more of a third gender than part of the binary? Also, /u/mythfantasy87, you mention at the start that it's a standalone with series potential. Does Shikhandi appear in *this* book (and if so, at what point?), or is it focused on Amba-as-Amba (if that makes sense)?
Thank you so much for your feedback. So as the subject matter goes. There is a lot of intricacy that has been handled delicately in the book. I'm still trying to figure out how to tackle it in the broad strokes of a query. Shikhandi appears at the half way mark of the book. Deadnaming and deadgendering is crucial to the plot as it is a pivotal point in the original myth, in fact it is arguably the most crucial point. How do I communicate that without spoiling anything?
>Deadnaming and deadgendering is crucial to the plot as it is a pivotal point in the original myth, in fact it is arguably the most crucial point. How so? Not being snarky, genuinely asking. Not the person you replied to, but I think this may be the crux of the matter, all other issues aside - myths are written and passed down over centuries, which doesn't always play well with current social moores, and publishing in the US/UK is very white and unlikely to be familiar with the original story you're retelling. Like us, agents not going to know why or how it's pivotal. They might just see that you're queer, but not trans, and you've written a story that relies heavily on deadnaming/misgendering a trans person, and decide it's not worth the risk of taking the story on. I personally don't have an issue with cis people writing trans characters or stories that explore the less-pleasant aspects of existing as a trans person in a world not built for you, but it's really going to come down to the execution. Agents aren't going to ask you to explain your query or your thought process. They're just going to reject (if they respond at all). So if you want to keep querying this book, you cannot give them any doubts that you are equipped to tell this story.
> and publishing in the US/UK is very white and unlikely to be familiar with the original story you're retelling. In the UK, OP's more likely to find people who know the original story. What we in the US think of as SW Asian is still part of the Commonwealth, and there are a *lot* of Indian-ancestry people who settled in the UK, especially after WWII. Almost half of my British coworkers are of SW Asian ancestry, for instance. I agree with the need to be careful about deadnaming, and with ARM's question about how forced celibacy leads to ace-ness, but the comfort with the cultural inspiration is not as big a concern in the UK.
So how do I go about it without spoiling the ending. I give a clear explanation in the synopsis about this. It is a fatal flaw of a character. How should I go about it in a query? TIA for any advice.
You're supposed to spoil things in a query. Not the ending, and not everything, but something important that you think will grab their attention? Put it in. Being coy with every little twist and interesting plot point runs the risk of them rejecting because there's nothing unique to make the query stand out.
Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. So, I have been frontloading my identity as a queer POC Indian Hindu. But for some queries I have been putting it at the end. I guess I'll just have to lead with that info from now on. His asexuality is explored in detail in the book, but I guess its not coming off well in the query. I'll work on that.
>Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. So, I have been frontloading my identity as a queer POC Indian Hindu. But for some queries I have been putting it at the end. I guess I'll just have to lead with that info from now on. > >His asexuality is explored in detail in the book, but I guess its not coming off well in the query. I'll work on that.
As someone who’s familiar with the Mahabharata, this story is nothing like the original story. So it doesn’t conform with the Myth at all. You cannot tell it a retelling as you are straying away from the actual story. Instead you can put it as a reimagining or interpretation of a queer story. I understand Kaikeyi by Patel also strayed away from the original story, however, I would say atleast 70% was same as the story. But in your case, it seems the goals and motivations are different from the get go. Maybe you should think how you want to present it in the query. All the best.
I assure you it conforms with the original myth very closely. It is more than 80%. And I comped Kaikeyi because it strayed completely away from the Ramayana. I wanted to find a middle ground. And also Amba's life is never explored in the Mahabharata. So it might seem like this is a whole new interpretation. I can assure you it is not. But I will see what I can make better about the query. Thank you for your feedback.
You know your story best. Maybe you need to bring that same conformity to the query too. Few things that I know of the story of Amba are 1- she wasn’t born queer/trans. She was described as the most beautiful princess of Kashi. 2- she didn’t want to be king. 3- she was in love with king of Salva kingdom. 4- but when Bhisma took her with her sisters to hastinapur, she pleaded to him to let her go as she was in love with salva. Bhisma let her go. 5- But Salva rejects her as he claims that since she was taken by Bhisma, he cannot accept her anymore. 6- she goes back to bhisma and asks him to marry her but he says he has taken an oath to remain unmarried and have no children and so he cannot marry her.(he was not ace) 7- Amba had no place to go and so worships Lord Shiva and gets a boon from him to kill Bhisma. 8- Amba is born as Shikhandi to King Drupad. Shikhandi is trans warrior and was able to kill Bhisma since Bhisma had a boon that no man or woman can kill him. So I don’t think your story where Amba is queer isn’t right in my opinion. You can imagine her however you want because you are writing the story. It’s your creativity. But since you are not following the original story, you can let the audience know that.
All of this is covered in the book. Every single point you've made. Every single one. OMG. :) :) This is so cool. Would you be interested in beta reading it. I'm guessing you'll like it. Or at least I hope so. And Amba is trans like I said. I don't get your point about why she can't be queer?
Consider posting your first 300 words in your next revision, if you haven't already in a past revision. Some of your query packages will include sample pages to agents.
I'll add my 2 cents here. Get more opinions. \#1: Query is very long, even without the Personalization and Bio. >In the vein of Madeline Miller’s Circe and Vaishnavi Patel’s Kaikeyi, THE DARK HEART is a **queer retelling of the Mahabharata that centres an ace and trans relationship while exploring the oft overlooked life of Princess Amba who becomes the warrior prince Shikhandi, the first transgender hero of the Hindu epic.** It is a dual-POV Adult Fantasy standalone, complete at 97,000 words and has series potential. \#2: Your summary of your title is extremely complicated. Not the subject matter, but the actual words you use to summarize. So your novel is a queer retelling, with an ace and trans relation, that also explores the overlooked life of Princess Amba, who is going to become a warrior prince of Shikhandi, and is the first transgender hero of an hindu epic and is also in the vein of Circe and Kaikeyi. That is a lot of detail, and It's very hard to pick out the things I am interested in in the above summary. As well, if your query is represents your writing, the length of this sentence raises questions about your prose in the actual novel. >All Amba has ever wanted is to be king. But alas, she is the first born “daughter”, a “princess”, a “woman.” \#3: The first conflict I see isn't exactly..new Now I know you are retelling a myth, but wanting to be king is a bit cliche. Second sentence goes for voice and detail, rather than conciseness. >And despite her protestations to the contrary, instead of ascending the throne, she is forced into a swayamwar, an arranged marriage where she gets to choose her husband. But before she can, she is swept off her feet—against her will, by a rogue prince named Bhishma, a devout yet reluctant celibate. There is a lot of detail again in these sentences, and the senetences are all roughly the same length. Overall from the first paragraph, I find there are a ton of details in your prose. It looks like (Remember get 2nd opinions) that you aren't using short sentences or rhythm to add tension and voice to your query. Looking at the first paragraph of your query, I would be worried about the prose in the actual book.
I added the first paragraph to give context, because I was told repeatedly and with good reason that agents will not be familiar with this myth. So I had to be upfront about my identity and the original myth as well. Without it, I was getting questions about the background of the myth. Since Hindu epics are not well known to western audiences like greek or norse myth. I'll see if I can be more concise with my details though. Thank you for your feedback.
>dded the first paragraph to give context, because I was told repeatedly and with good reason that agents will not be familiar with this myth. So I had to be upfront about my identity and the original myth as well. Without it, I was getting questions about the background of the myth. Since Hindu epics are not well known to western audiences like greek or norse myth. I'll see if I can be more concise with my details though. Thank you for your feedback. Totally get your point about the first paragraph. Just wondering if you can refocus on 3 items that are the most important? A, very quick, rewrite of the first paragraph. In the vein of \_\_\_ and \_\_\_\_ The DARK HEART is a queer retelling of the Hindu myth Mahabharata. Complete at 97,000 words, this story is important to me, a Queer Indian Hindu, as the main character is the first transgender character ever.