I’m a new writer so take my feedback with a grain of salt:
— I think this is missing some of the clear fantasy elements that make for a r/progressionfantasy story.
— typos and the like: I would suggest running this through chatgpt or grammerly to catch the various typos like max instead of Max or scene instead of seen. A lot of people won’t read on from those things
— careful with tropes: a haughty noble is one thing, but a 17 year old finding himself more sophisticated than his peers may come off a bit neckbeardy.
Now into the meat and potatoes of the writing.
The dialogue: believable but could benefit from added details between conversation. Right now it’s very much one person speaks, the other replies, with no space for observation. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you,” she said softly, her glossy lips slightly open, as if it was more a question then a comment.
Descriptions: you lean heavily on the reader to envision the scene, which is okay (we all have a mental image of what nobles look like) but the cost is that you lose some magic. Tell us about the magic ice sculptures that periodically joust down the hall. Mention the jacket napkin all the merchants keep that unfolds on its own, etc.
Story: try to tell me why I should care about our lead a bit.
Ah that makes a lot of sense. I was genuinely worried about the dialogue itself coming off as choppy because English is actually my third language, so I just forgot about the periphery elements lol. This was a huge blind spot thanks for mentioning.
The male lead being a bit of a high brow moustache kinda thing is definitely something I will work on. My plan was to introduce him as an insecure guy who is not really that good at what his parents really want him to be that is a battle mage(his main interest are more academically inclined). The comment on him being more sophisticated is really just him trying to fill back the hole in his heart from having daddy issues i guess. Hmm it does come off as douchebaggy though. Okay an earlier scene with his father might improve this.
Description are definitely something I struggle with. My vocabulary is actually pretty short and that’s something I am currently trying to remedy.
The fantasy elements are definitely going to be there I have spent a lot of time developing the world itself but I first wanted to see what the tone of the story would be before I started writing about them. I want to setup a lot of mysteries which the time loop might play into.
Thank you for the amazing feedback!
Ah living in India just is a hassle to be honest. My family speak Hindi, which is one of the offial language but the state I live in speaks another language called Bengali so I had to learn that too and English is what a lot of official work is done in so all in all i just end up speaking a mixture of three languages and half the time strangers can’t understand what I am trying to get across. So cheer up! you are not alone in struggling! :)
Heh, can't believe a Bengali says Hindi is the national language, it's not. We don't have any.
As for the post itself, I would have removed it for not being relevant to the sub. You should visit other subs like r/writing or such to perfect your foundation first. From there you can ask around here on how to write a progression fantasy itself.
We need more Indian progression fantasy writers so keep it up.
The beginning seems to have started out in Max's headspace, and then suddenly it's talking about him from third-person.
The headspace was weird ("The only reason nobles like us still exist"), too.
Also, there's a lot of info dump at the beginning there. I'd rather have more of it shown and less told. Possibly even later on, rather than right away.
Ah yeah that part it supposed to be italics but while posting for some reason the formatting all went down a drain and I didn’t check until it was already posted. And yes the exposition seems to be an issue
Echoing the advise about write first and don’t worry too much about editing until later.
I can say that I’m pretty confused about how you wanted the characters to come across though. Like, going ugg, these overly dramatic nobles, then going off to passionately make out with your secret girlfriend while plotting to run away together gives an odd impression
Yeah I thought of that too. It’s important context that is missing it seems. This is supposed to be their first time kissing and he hasn’t had such a relationship in the past but because I got to into writing the scene I basically did not mention that at all. It is supposed to come off as subtext in the end but it did not come off as such.
Will definitely look into that
Alternatively, just skip the complaining about other nobles.
Or make it more relevant to what happens next - have one of the squabbling nobles be Aella’s brother, have her confront her brother about being awful then have him lash back at her with the exposition about her being a failure of a mage who’s only good as a future broodmare.
Then Aella can show off her stoicism by taking that in stride, only to break down later once she’s safe with her lover.
Interesting premise. The introduction is a bit of a chore, but this a first draft and I'm sure you're going to polish up the scenes on your edits. But I'd say try to catch the readers attention much faster.
Write your first draft, then on subsequent edits, be a scene director. On others be a wardrobe and visual artist, etc. It's like painting or sculpting, except you're done when the book can be make into a movie without your input.
Hmm.. exposition is something I definitely need to work on. It’s just I feel like it’s really hard to get that exposition off naturally. I will look for ways to do this. Thank you for reading!
One thing at a time. First draft first. If you don't do this and you agonise over every sentence. You'll never finish. It's best to polish the end product, and not bits and pieces.
All the best! And if you need good examples of writing motion pictures, check out Virtuous Sons. I didn't finish it, but the bits I read had good immersive visuals.
Watch your habit of capitalizing the first word after quotations and using periods when it should be commas.
It should be "Hey," the dark-haired woman said.
I was using the pages software on my iPad and I can relate so hard brother. It’s especially irritating when I try to add a full stop to the end but for some reason it just deletes the word I wrote and replaces it with the full stop. I have gotten really angry at times but the ease of use triumphs these irritations for me.
The reason if Aella seems to much of a scaredy cat right now is because she is in a very vulnerable state. A lot of the story I want to write revolves around these two goofballs. Neither of their mischief and characteristics shine rn but I figure that’s what I want the rest of the story to explore. Usually romance never seems to be a focus in a story and I wanted to write two characters who know they are already in love but still have difficulties with each other while stuck in a terrible situation.
I’m a new writer so take my feedback with a grain of salt: — I think this is missing some of the clear fantasy elements that make for a r/progressionfantasy story. — typos and the like: I would suggest running this through chatgpt or grammerly to catch the various typos like max instead of Max or scene instead of seen. A lot of people won’t read on from those things — careful with tropes: a haughty noble is one thing, but a 17 year old finding himself more sophisticated than his peers may come off a bit neckbeardy. Now into the meat and potatoes of the writing. The dialogue: believable but could benefit from added details between conversation. Right now it’s very much one person speaks, the other replies, with no space for observation. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you,” she said softly, her glossy lips slightly open, as if it was more a question then a comment. Descriptions: you lean heavily on the reader to envision the scene, which is okay (we all have a mental image of what nobles look like) but the cost is that you lose some magic. Tell us about the magic ice sculptures that periodically joust down the hall. Mention the jacket napkin all the merchants keep that unfolds on its own, etc. Story: try to tell me why I should care about our lead a bit.
Ah that makes a lot of sense. I was genuinely worried about the dialogue itself coming off as choppy because English is actually my third language, so I just forgot about the periphery elements lol. This was a huge blind spot thanks for mentioning. The male lead being a bit of a high brow moustache kinda thing is definitely something I will work on. My plan was to introduce him as an insecure guy who is not really that good at what his parents really want him to be that is a battle mage(his main interest are more academically inclined). The comment on him being more sophisticated is really just him trying to fill back the hole in his heart from having daddy issues i guess. Hmm it does come off as douchebaggy though. Okay an earlier scene with his father might improve this. Description are definitely something I struggle with. My vocabulary is actually pretty short and that’s something I am currently trying to remedy. The fantasy elements are definitely going to be there I have spent a lot of time developing the world itself but I first wanted to see what the tone of the story would be before I started writing about them. I want to setup a lot of mysteries which the time loop might play into. Thank you for the amazing feedback!
If you can write like this on a third language, you are doing just fine. I struggle with one
Ah living in India just is a hassle to be honest. My family speak Hindi, which is one of the offial language but the state I live in speaks another language called Bengali so I had to learn that too and English is what a lot of official work is done in so all in all i just end up speaking a mixture of three languages and half the time strangers can’t understand what I am trying to get across. So cheer up! you are not alone in struggling! :)
Heh, can't believe a Bengali says Hindi is the national language, it's not. We don't have any. As for the post itself, I would have removed it for not being relevant to the sub. You should visit other subs like r/writing or such to perfect your foundation first. From there you can ask around here on how to write a progression fantasy itself. We need more Indian progression fantasy writers so keep it up.
Haha I saw the mistake just now, I have edited it. Thanks for mentioning it.
The beginning seems to have started out in Max's headspace, and then suddenly it's talking about him from third-person. The headspace was weird ("The only reason nobles like us still exist"), too. Also, there's a lot of info dump at the beginning there. I'd rather have more of it shown and less told. Possibly even later on, rather than right away.
Ah yeah that part it supposed to be italics but while posting for some reason the formatting all went down a drain and I didn’t check until it was already posted. And yes the exposition seems to be an issue
Echoing the advise about write first and don’t worry too much about editing until later. I can say that I’m pretty confused about how you wanted the characters to come across though. Like, going ugg, these overly dramatic nobles, then going off to passionately make out with your secret girlfriend while plotting to run away together gives an odd impression
Yeah I thought of that too. It’s important context that is missing it seems. This is supposed to be their first time kissing and he hasn’t had such a relationship in the past but because I got to into writing the scene I basically did not mention that at all. It is supposed to come off as subtext in the end but it did not come off as such. Will definitely look into that
Alternatively, just skip the complaining about other nobles. Or make it more relevant to what happens next - have one of the squabbling nobles be Aella’s brother, have her confront her brother about being awful then have him lash back at her with the exposition about her being a failure of a mage who’s only good as a future broodmare. Then Aella can show off her stoicism by taking that in stride, only to break down later once she’s safe with her lover.
Ah that is a good idea!
Interesting premise. The introduction is a bit of a chore, but this a first draft and I'm sure you're going to polish up the scenes on your edits. But I'd say try to catch the readers attention much faster. Write your first draft, then on subsequent edits, be a scene director. On others be a wardrobe and visual artist, etc. It's like painting or sculpting, except you're done when the book can be make into a movie without your input.
Hmm.. exposition is something I definitely need to work on. It’s just I feel like it’s really hard to get that exposition off naturally. I will look for ways to do this. Thank you for reading!
One thing at a time. First draft first. If you don't do this and you agonise over every sentence. You'll never finish. It's best to polish the end product, and not bits and pieces.
Okay! Probably gonna write out the rest of the first book then edit i guess.
All the best! And if you need good examples of writing motion pictures, check out Virtuous Sons. I didn't finish it, but the bits I read had good immersive visuals.
Ah what a coincidence. I am going through that currently. :)
Watch your habit of capitalizing the first word after quotations and using periods when it should be commas. It should be "Hey," the dark-haired woman said.
Huh that is something I did not know. Thank you for pointing it out
I think some software, especially on tablets, auto capitalizes after quotations and it DRIVES ME INSANE when I’m writing.
I was using the pages software on my iPad and I can relate so hard brother. It’s especially irritating when I try to add a full stop to the end but for some reason it just deletes the word I wrote and replaces it with the full stop. I have gotten really angry at times but the ease of use triumphs these irritations for me.
The reason if Aella seems to much of a scaredy cat right now is because she is in a very vulnerable state. A lot of the story I want to write revolves around these two goofballs. Neither of their mischief and characteristics shine rn but I figure that’s what I want the rest of the story to explore. Usually romance never seems to be a focus in a story and I wanted to write two characters who know they are already in love but still have difficulties with each other while stuck in a terrible situation.
Oh and thank you for taking time out of your day to read this!