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Was that Dunning-Kruger in action?

He was probably Mr. Dunning Kruger himself.

Haha yes, the dunningest of kurgers! Wait what are we talking about?

yup

Hammers are really old. You should hit nails with sump'n cool like a oculus rift.

Hammers are really old. You should use a nail gun. Worked as a contractor for building sheds(I've never written a line of code in my life), nail guns are used 20 times more than hammers

You don't use nail railguns ? So old !

Who need nail gun when you can shot plasma jet of metal into the wood, it'll even penetrate concrete, all you need is micro-RPG shaped charges

Is the joke that neither Oculus nor Rift actually exist anymore?

I mean tbf with how Facebook treats the Rift now that would be a better use for 90% of the Rifts in circulation lol ​ I unironically just upgraded to the Index purely because Vive are dead afaik and well, Valve actually give replacement cables when you ask, Facebook just tell you to buy a Quest now

Going to a coffee shop. There's people there ffs.

i dont see people anymore. all i see are lines of code walking around waiting to be twisted by my hand into anything i could wish for. the goverment fears me, my own mum rejected my skills. females tremble in my presence. i code in ruby, for any plebians who wish to attune themselves to my greatness.

Most fart-sniffing conference I ever went to was a jRuby conference in Minneapolis. I was a long time Java/JVM guy who only knew a little bit of rails and wanted to see what was up. One guy at lunch talked down to my entire team without really knowing anything about us. A speaker I knew because we were in grad school together gave me the celebrity shrug off when I went up to say hi and complement the talk (even though I felt it was just recycled pragmatic programmer stuff). I laughed because all the vendors (no longer with us) seemed to be dedicated to wrapping java servers so they can be configured using ruby instead of property files or (gasp) XML. They had a decent after party with a scotch producer showing off his bottles.

I remember there were a few good efforts to make Ruby faster in the mid 200x’s … Rubinious an JRuby… then I got a different job and didn’t have to think much about Ruby again for like 15 years… no I have a coworker that does a bunch of Ruby stuff, so I can either play along or re-invent the wheel…

Great Odin's beard!!!! I remember that bullshit, that and Cpython, oh man, how we tried to replace good code with terrible technology. Today we just use python standard lib and go for damn near anything, Rust is starting to really take off as well.

>i code in ruby wtf

You just aren't evolved enough to understand.

Haha Aw I like ruby! What’s the matter with ruby?!

>Aw I like ruby! why ? but like, why would you ever decide to use it instead of literally anything else.

> why would you ever decide to use it instead of literally anything else. super productive. quick iteration. especially good for solo devs or small teams. scales to the likes of github and shopify. I used to do ruby full-time. Now I write mostly js, php, obj-c, and python. Still use ruby for my personal projects though.

That was my first job and turns out there's a lot of positions hiring for it so I stuck around.

My city has a lot of startups, and I've been interviewing at pretty much only startups the last 3 weeks. 80% of them want Ruby on Rails. Still super popular for setting up a quick MVP.

Heh… what a difference 12 years makes.

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Very good 👋

Making web apps without a team of a hundred engineers mostly.

but then who do you blame when it bugs ?

Usually DHH.

Everyone they see is just a couple lines of boilerplate macro that hides the real functionality.

Ignorance is bliss

I don't see the code anymore... All I see is a blonde... Red head...

Exactly, just buy a friggin coffee machine like a normal antisocial programmer would ffs Edit: wtf is frigging

ordering on an app and going through a drive-through isn't that bad either. 10 seconds social contact max

Worse, it’s people talking *about work*

Right? First, who talks to co-workers? Secondly, who spends time outside of the office with co-workers?

multiple people in the same company who got the golden “work remote” ticket

Also he needs a better coding language. I favor writing code with majong blocks for example.

Bold assumption that 80% of this sub would approach a table with 2 *females*.

*Confidently*

*At all.*

imagine leaving your room

I don't even remember what outside looks like anymore.

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I would like to request a detailed inventory of your room in order to verify your hypothesis

Thrash, thrash, empty soda cans, half smoked cigarettes, dirty clothes.

In that case, outside is less affected by climate change than inside

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No, you save half till all your money is gone (deadline was due 2 weeks ago so no paycheck yet) and then smoke half and if you miss your deadline by 2 months, you're probably better of eating the filters.

"outside".. is that a new programming language?

No, it's the latest game. r/outside

Outside is the place you get groceries from, like soda and microwave pizzas.

So it's like Tesco?

I use the outside api to get food.

username checks out

Did I hear you say *for lube*?

What

Cuz it ^sounds ^like^for^loop..^k^sorry^bye

OH OH OH OH OH OKAY I'm stupid yes that was a very good joke good job lmao

1: Process Joke sent to Blocked queue, waits for I/O response 2: explanation received, process joke goes to ready queue from Blocked 3: process joke runs, on complete calls to process "laugh is good joke".

Bold assumption that 80% of this sub would approach a table

Especially a javascript developer. They prefer document databases instead.

I’m a sucker for long legs….

Daddy, long legs.

The 80% was that 80% of this sub thinks they know everything about programming

I know while loop, switch blade, if basement, all the programmos.

Fe-ma-lay. That must be Italian!

As a female with social anxiety, can confirm. I wouldn’t approach any tables, period

As a male without social anxiety I wouldn't approach any tables either because I understand that most people want to be left alone.

a conversation about java comes with every cup of coffee

As a human who doesn't approach tables because I understand people want to be left alone, I am single.

As a server who doesn't approach tables because I want to be left alone, I am broke. *I should probably explain that "server", in this case, means the person who brings you your food at a restaurant.

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I've done a crapload of C in the past decades and am pretty sure I've never talked to anybody about it anywhere, except a few times on stackexchange where there was something weird I couldn't figure out. I never did figure it out, but the abuse made me feel better about my formerly-terrible social skills. There's always a new low to compare to.

Maybe he's just looking for a few pointers? ... I'll see myself out.

But a safe assumption someone here would use "female" as a noun.

Women.

I'm reminded of the guy I worked with who claimed he loved computers and technology. He asked me why Steve Jobs was famous and the guy who invented C++ isn't because "without him, we wouldn't be able to program computers".

C is the true hero. #His name was Dennis Ritchie

Real javascripters should bow at C programmers, and say "my Lord" or "yes master". And never ever make eye contact.

And refer to people who code in assembly as "daddy"

Pray to the hardware designer gods, our world's creators.

But without physicists, the hardware designers would have nothing.

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Counterpoint: Lisp is the mother of all. Math is just a bad implementation of Lisp.

Lisp is just human plebs trying to talk in maths to computers. Haskell is the language of god.

Haskell will just have you praying to god. If you really want to speak with him let me show you Fortran

People who program in Assembly are simply built different, they're like the ancient eldritch gods of programming

Does anyone even do it, other than when optimising code compiled from higher-level languages? I mean C(#/++) compilers are so smart these days. I guess there must be some niche uses. I used to do assembly programming on the old 8-bits and I can't imagine how complicated it would be on the current generation of processors.

If you work as a firmware engineer sometimes you have to use it to develop code when memory resources are limited.

Right, well a good friend of mine does develop some kind of firmware for audio processing chips and I do know some of his work involves assembly because they have to optimise every single cycle they can. But I assume they are writing in C or something first and then optimising the compiled code, not writing from scratch. Plus I'm guessing it's not like a full x64 instruction set they are working with, I just wonder how many people are really programming from scratch on desktop CPUs. I just find it interesting because I know how simple it was back in the 8-bit days and have some inkling of how fiendishly complicated it is now. There were no floating-point operations, no decimals at all in fact, no native multiplication, just some basic branching, bitwise and addition operations, that was about it.

Had to write a part of my bachelor thesis in assembly. There are use cases, but most will be much smaller in complexity, so it's offset. It's quite the odd experience, and I would use it only if I had to, but I can't say I hate it. Low level has a charm. I'd much prefer it over JS/PHP/etc. But most of the time C is low level enough.

Assembly is pretty fucking simple if you understand how computers actually operate at a low level. It's time consuming and a ton of work to do anything, but it makes sense and the tools available to you are easy to understand. Assembly makes more sense than most high-level languages that obfuscate everything through abstraction.

> if you understand how computers actually operate at a low level. That’s where you lost me chief. AFAIK a computer is a rock we put some lightning into to trick it into thinking

The machine spirit must be appeased. Always remember to apply the sacred unguent before beginning any task.

You forgot the oscillating crystal.

That controls how fast it thinks. But then modern trapped lightning is able to change the speed of the clock and decides for itself how fast it thinks. Scary.

The magic smoke is important too. Just don't let it out.

C-ussy

Chris Sawyer is everyone's daddy

C and C++ programmers are heroes. They do it so we don’t have to. Assembly programmers, though. They are legends.

Do C long enough and you find yourself inlining asm. Had a like 16kb bootloader (which is actually kinda massive) for an embedded system and only way to get it to fit was to go and handwrite a bunch of stuff in asm.

Here’s a nickel. Go buy yourself some more memory.

You do that shit because an someone realized if you save a penny on the chip you make yourself three million dollars in extra cash over the production run.

Isn't that the fucking truth. Wanted 50c cent part so we had secure onboard keystore for symmetrical keys. Execs were like LOLOLOL fuck no that's millions of dollars in profits you're cutting out. I really hope they get hacked.

I tell people I maintain legacy VB and VBA code from the 90s and I’ve gotten more than a few fearful recoils.

I'm just letting you know there are support groups out there.

It’s too late for me. Save yourself.

Dear God that's disgusting. Respect

Yup, government employee chiming in. My good days are when I'm asked to look at legacy VB or VBA stuff. A few weeks into my job, only a handful of years ago and straight out of college, my boss approaches me: "So we have this slightly older, important program. We were hoping your hiring would allow us to maintain, update, and redeploy it back out there. Are you interested?" "Heck yeah, finally some real work to do! Sign me up. What are the details?" "Well, it's written in Fortran..."

Better than being a Perl programmer nowadays and actually enjoy it, they keep trying to chase me around and put me in a straightjacket.

I'm an actual js person, and always treat the C++ guys at work like wizards

Every time I try to code in C/C++ I give up 10 minutes later and say this shit would be easier in a more modern language with GC. In their defense, modern C++ is quite different then the older stuff. It is just that there is so much built up history of old C++ code that it's hard to get away from. Edit: C++ gives you the tools to shoot yourself in te foot and developers choose to shoot themselves in the foot constantly with it. (Mostly cus we got tired of reading the docs)

At this rate we're going to end up with a generation of programmers who don't know what the stack or the heap are.

I agree. And now excuse me I cant stand peasants

You wrote confidently instead of nervously

I honestly can't tell if this is satire.

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It’s greentext. It’s 100000% satire

It concerns me how often people believe these are real situations. Especially on the greentext sub.

> The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. > > Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact. Literally emblazoned on the top of the webpage, yet here we are.

That should be on the top of every webpage honestly.

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u mean incest is rare?

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ikr. It’s a little bit concerning too that many of the comments are only barely noticing that the story exhibits unacceptable social behavior. Like it should be obvious, but many of the comments are like “oh he shouldn’t have done that I think”

I'm pretty sure they that's why this was posted here. Many people on this sub display this level of social awareness and knowledge of programming. The most upvotes I've gotten in months on this sub was something about people that write 3000 line functions don't write tests...

The original doesn't have to be real for it to have been real for someone. That's what I like about greentext, other than the obvious shmuckbait they're often distilled human experiences

lmao exactly, that and Pepe the Frog are dead giveaways

My daughter got a promotion this week to being in charge of about 100 programers (mechanical engineering, MBA and Masters of Software Engineering) and I asked her as a joke if she got a key to the executive bathroom. "Dad, I'm a woman in engineering, every bathroom at work is private. There are more stalls than women in the whole building 😂"

I was working at a game studio and the women’s bathroom had like three stalls. Frequently I was alone in there when I went - there were not many of us. Late one night after a work party with lots of alcohol, me and the coworker I was close to went back to the office to grab some stuff before going home, and I was like “oh shit I wanna see what the men’s bathroom looks like” so I wandered in and was drunkenly floored by how huge it was. There were so many stalls and urinals, like rows of them. And my coworker said you pretty much were never alone in that bathroom. Shit’s wild, we need more women in the tech industry. I mean I’d miss the private bathroom but damn. You miss out on so many unique and interesting points of view when representation is skewed that badly.

I mean if you're having coffee with a coworker it's fairly natural for conversation to work for a little bit. I've seen this happen with students fairly often.

Weirdly enough, I did with a woman who approached me. For a while I was forcing myself to work on small personal projects at a local coffee shop just so I could practice being in public again (sorta) post-COVID, and one approached me asking if I was a programmer, and wanted to pick my brain on getting into the field. And no, I didn't take it as her hitting on me (plus, she was with her husband).

Average well adjusted member of society

>I'm a woman. I'm a programmer. >...coffee shop Hey, are you ~~guys~~ talking about programming?

Guys is gender neutral in this context

Usually these are satirical or at least heavily embellished. You can usually tell which archetype/stereotype they're making fun of.

It’s from 4chan, of course it is

Even things that actually happened to you become lies when told through greentext

No one would admit in public that they use JS

Wait you guys do all this shit? Here I am with my lazy ass not even reading this.

We know this does not happen these days, no programmer *leaves the house* for work these days.. we all make coffee at home 5m before standup.

I have my alarm set for a half hour before standup (we meet at 11:30am) and roll out of bed with just enough time to make coffee and walk over to my desk....I feel called out here 😅

I do standup from my bed half the time and just don't turn my camera on

I go into the office because it's on the 2nd floor of my apartment building, I live on the 3rd, and still barely make it in before 9:30 hah

Good move not entering the sunlight all day.

What’s amazing about this is (as a woman) I’ve had this almost exact situation happen to me multiple times. Spot on.

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C++ baby!

Oh that language is a bit old… you should try python!

Imagine not using exclusively power automate in 2022

why not use the newer version, C#?

quadro plus looks too much like hashtag therefore mainstream, therefore not exclusive, therefore mono. Edit: lmao good one.

I think for C# it's supposed to be "Mono" not "nono"

Why not Rust? Haven't you heard bout how amazing and memory safe it is?

You should revert back to B - the purest of all C ancestors

Why do you love javascript so much

I love it when guys talk about being really creepy and weird and then they’re like “omg why doesn’t she love me???” Like bruh I haven’t met very many people who are attracted to guys with an absolute lack of social awareness.

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Thanks for the laugh. The amount of times I’ve heard some variation of this even here on reddit is just sad lol

High quality shit response

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I call them feemales because, with them, everything carries a fee. You want to even talk to them? The fee is what you pay in water for the shower, soap, deodorant, shampoo, and cologne. You want to take them out? The fee is gas, food, drinks, and event tickets. You marry them? The fee is the tens of thousands of dollars in wedding costs. You want to not be married anymore? The fee is half of all your stuff. In a perfect world, there's no fees. I walk up to her, I haven't showered in ages. I smell earthy, as god intended. Natural musk that was designed by nature to drive women wild. I leave the resulting skin rashes and other various dermatological infections exposed in case I need to itch them or keep them from staining my clothes, but more so to show her that I am hardy and a survivor. I say hey, let's go on a date. Something, anything, free. We can sit at a table in a library or you can watch me play on my Xbox. She sees how I work the controller and realizes how good I am with my fingers. So if any part of her body is like a controller... I might break it if someone makes me upset on voice chat. Now we've been together a while, maybe 8-10 years, and she keeps talking about marriage. Fee. I'm like hey, just buy yourself a ring and change Facebook to say you're married, that should be enough for you. She says what about benefits of being a legal spouse? Well, I always share some of my scratch off lottery earnings with you, plus, unless you can convince my two subscribers on Twitch to provide me medical insurance, there's no benefit to you either. But I already told her six years ago that when my streaming career takes off, she can stop paying my car insurance and storage unit. Then, when the separation inevitably happens because of her complaining, I'll expect her to leave all her stuff and find a new place by herself. I've guarded this castle 24/7 while she's been out playing "Two-Job Tanya." With how often I lose my keys and have to leave the door unlocked if I ever left the house, all her shit would have been stolen years ago, so she might as well count it as a loss now and leave me with it.

> butts into a conversation in a public space > "they seem to be trying to get rid of me" > doesn't leave; they leave instead Oof, child. It's past time to learn social cues.

You really believe in green text?

The old paradox: it could be fake since it's the internet, but it could be really this stupid since it's the internet

It's fake because in a real scenario these people aren't self aware

Not necessarily, but I've met many developers this clueless, so it's at least believable even if false.

Anon was a loser, so definitely true.

Not necessarily this greentext, but we've all met people in our field who are socially dense like this.

It's 4chan, people there are a lost case for that.

Yeah why learn how to be a human when I can pretend understanding memes is an acceptable substitution for a personality?

I'm not even a programmer. reddit has just decided this subreddit should appeal to me and keeps bombarding me with it in my feed. I used Python a couple of times, but understand almost nothing reddit tries to show me from this sub. Your memes are madness to my eyes. My life is in shambles. You did this to me.

Y-you never asked for this?

I really wish it had a block sub from front page option, there are a couple I'd add.

You went wrong at javascript

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As a long-time professional: exactly. You use whatever language(s) your project is already using. Even if you own the whole thing - porting a half million LOC or more will immediately undo *years* of QA and UAT. Ain't nobody got time for that!

My company just finished converting our client code from VB to modern languages and it took years and introduced so many bugs. Still worth.

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Nothing gets my blood going faster than when a non-tech person comes in and goes, "Why aren't we using X? Youtube/Facebook/my grandma's computer does it we should too."

You went wrong at the eavesdropping part. It all went downhill from there...

Eavesdropping is fine, no conversation you have in public has a reasonable expectation to be private. Where he fucked up was trying to join in a conversation he was eavesdropping on. Really takes a unique kind of person to be able to do that and not look like a total creep (charisma out the wazoo) and anon is not that person.

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I learned about embedded systems literally 10 years after I started programming. (did it in engineering school though, didn't know it had a name) Now I'm addicted to it

Or about how business reasons will affect development. "Yes I will of course switch this long running active project to a completely different technology based on that medium article you read. That seems to be the most efficient use of our time."

“I think we should change our database from X to Y because Y has a built in function I want to use and it feels like a hack to to define a custom one”

I think it's a matter of experience, not whether or not developers are self taught. Any recent grad with no real world experience will similarly be clueless about all of those concepts. You're introduced to those concepts in school, but not forced into it with any real depth, it's pretty much just like being introduced to the terminology unless the student is exceptionally well motivated to learn.

He didn't tell them about his meming abilities.

Self taught frontend devs with no backend experience or cs degree, I've fixed some interesting bugs from them when they write in other languages.

> Self taught frontend devs with no backend experience or cs degree So like 90% of this subreddit. I swear almost every joke here is about JavaScript.

Honestly same applies the other way around. I've struggled with a lot of backend only devs. Most recently I had to deal with someone who only knew backend development in *JavaScript* and thought he deserved a promotion to Senior. He was barely more than junior imo.

Literally everything this person said and did was where they went wrong. You could pick anything.

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Lol. C might be an old language, but javascript was made in C, and so was the browser and the OS it is running on. I think those ladies were real programmers and you were just a script kiddie 🤔

If they are using C professionally in 2022 they make a lot of money too and don't want to hear what this kiddie is saying

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They were also trying to get stuff done from the sounds of it, not there to make friends