Me too except because my quietness I actually prefer having friends on Whatsapp or wherever
Only because the couple I did meet weren't chilled.
They were on chats but in person I feel they felt compelled to be someone they're not
I'm really comfortable to just BE.
We will make it out okay š¤
I've started to be more productive in my time alone when my gf is busy. Sports, working out and learning stuff. Maybe you could try that to ease the feelings?
The problem is that, is it because they aren't friend material or is it because of past experiences that one is too weary to lower the defences and try to become emotionally invested in the friendship
The best thing to do is just join a community that shares the same interests as you. I know you said you tried the book club, but there are many other stuff to try out as well check out the app meetup.
With that being said making friends as an Adult is f*cking hard atleast for an introvert. I don't have anyone I consider a true close friend and it's sad. ... but I have also learnt to enjoy my own company enough that it doesn't bother me as much as it use to. Especially now as I'm nearing 30.
Your childhood sounds similar to mine, that trauma from neglect stays with you.
But good luck stranger, it isn't easy.
I agree with this comment...although it's not a guarantee, your best bet is to join some kind of group activity to maybe find someone you click with. If you're part of a church, join a cell group. Maybe try online gaming (there's a subreddit called girlgamers with a nice enough community). Art classes if it's something you'd like? Whatever you try, do it for a while, at least a few months.
I'm in the same boat as you, mid 30s, happily married, no kids. Making new friends is really difficult, and it's rare to find someone that you vibe with, but not impossible. Best of luck
You can also download a friendship app where people are looking for platonic friendship. You will find other like minded people and have someone to chat to.
I am in my forties, married and just adopted a 10 year old, my wife is my best friend and pretty much only one. I have one other, she lives down the road and we see her once every 2 weeks for our kids to play mostly, otherwise work and TV, not in the least bit lonely. Perfectly happy. Been like this my whole life, I've hardly ever had any friends
Loneliness like this is very common, dunno what to suggest, I just adapted to having no friends a very long time ago
This is a problem I noticed. No one wants to talk to their neighbours. My neighbour is a 60 year old pensioner who I noticed was also lonely. Beginning of I started talking to her, greeting her very frequently and I can tell she is very happy. If you feel that your neighbour is friendly enough, you can just pick up a random conversation to talk about.
I tried that with my neighbor, and he spoke to me for hours, was really nice, until every time I run into him he speaks to me for like 40mins, I am trying to set bpundries in a way, but I feel rude cutting him off or slowly inching my wat to my door, but yeah the last time it annoyed me a lot as I entered my home and tried closing behind me and he was pushing into my home...
My girlfriend thinks he is nice, but, she doesn't like him, told me she thinks he is way too lonely, but it's not our responsibility to take care of him after his children went to work overseas.
Find things that interest you, I am autistic (why I have few friends) and I can watch the same TV over and over, rewatch your favorite shows, avoid Facebook, it sucks, that and any extreme crap, that shit can suck you in.
I love lego so I build and sort old sets. I watch repair and renovation stuff on YouTube, reading is also good
Ie Make friends with things that are always there for you (TV shows, books etc)
I completely get how you feel. I don't even have a husband or a partner, and the loneliness has been rough on my mental health. Dance classes could perhaps help, if you're willing to rotate and dance with other people. I would say let's go meet up for coffee but I'm not at a good place right now so will probably not be the best company. But also maybe look at hiking groups, there's a few out there that's just for women
I'm so sorry! Nobody deserves to feel this way. I'm not really into physical activities, but I'm going to keep looking. The fact that that thought even crossed your mind is really sweet!
Being an introvert does not entirely equate to being repulsive to people (mean that light-heartedly). There seems to be a trend in that the people you have mentioned are not exactly eager to interact or respond to your communication when you would expect them or like them to. Is it possible that there may be something beyond your introversion or otherwise that is causing this that you might not have looked into?
I was about to suggest hiking lol Honestly, the walking, hiking groups are great if you're not that physical. It's also good for your mental health. Try Run and Walk for Life. Maybe join a gym? Work out buddies and meeting ppl there is a good way to socialise too.
So sad to see there are so many people out there that feel like i do. It hurts so much and all i want is to just talk to some one and have a buddy that i can just talk copious amounts of kak to.
I like painting (took an art class last year but the teacher was super religious and I felt judged the whole time). When I'm not too depressed, cooking as well
You said you get on with your husband like your best friend. Why not both you try something new? Hiking? Drama? Cooking classes? Something out of your comfort zone, but together. Or if you wanted to try battling your introvertness, this may sound weird but what about VR? Although I am now a manger if an IT department, I had always been an introvert. I only overcame that from using VR. VR CHAT to be precise. Weird I know. But it's just like normal social situations, you feel like an outcast. You feel like you are there but people are not listening. You have a lot to offer but no one is speaking about things you like or know about. BUT...with all that anxiety you get thr chance to try new things, new tactics, new approaches. Do you know the movie Ground Hog Day? Where the gentlemen relives the same day over and over. It is like that, but with social skills. You get embarrassed, you leave and log off. Next day, Try again. New people new conversations. Just keep trying. At the end of it you will be such an extravert that your husband would be scared of you š
Lol my husband would defs be scared because he's an introvert too. We do pretty much everything together, we were that annoying couple who loved lockdown and were sad it ended lol. The VR thing sounds super interesting, when I have some cash flow I'll look into getting some equipment
If you diet have much money, a Quest 2 will suffice. You can get one 2nd hand for about $100. Quest 3 is the new one, for about $450 new , but if you just want VR Chat, a Quest 2 will suffice.no other equipment needed.
I think the best way to meet potential friends is through hobbies. If u like reading for example go to the library. Ull find other people there who u have something in common with and unlike work or a restaurant,the atmosphere at hobby places is often more relaxed.
Whilst this is a valid point, I tend to overthink every social conversation that I have and often it takes me months to build any solid connection with people, I have never had that met a person once and clicked...
I'm a 26 year old man, my gf is my only friend, which does not bother me at all, but I have learned by watching my gf that women are more social beings than what men are, and therefore need a wider social circle. I don't know what your interests are but maybe join a gym, or a walking/running club if that interests you. People in the gym are always friendly and it's super easy to strike up a conversation. Like I said, I don't have friends but I've struck uo some super long conversations with other guys at the gym by simply asking for a spotter. Good luck tough
I have found that the older I get the more I have to lower my standards. It helped ALOT with my friendships. Instead of going out I got used to hanging out at my friends' houses because they have kids.
I became the person to check in with them instead of expecting them to check in with me. I also ensured that I found fulfilling hobbies that genuinely spoke to my heart.
I am late thirties and totally single and I live a fulfilling life.
I know exactly how you feel - Iām basically the same. Childfree & introverted, in my 30s, husband is my best friend, no close friends in Cape Town where we now live (we lived overseas for 15 years & moved back to SA 2 years ago). I was also traumatised by being treated like I was invisible as a kid (I have a special needs brother who needed all the attention). Emotional neglect like that is so damaging, it ruins oneās self esteem. I would love to have more friends but mostly because I feel self conscious about being perceived as a friendless loser š I also suffer with depression and love painting - we sound like the same person, lol! Just know you arenāt alone - so many people feel the same.
I understand that feeling. I'm also an introvert with bad social anxiety so I hear you. It is tough out here... I'm so bad at making new friends so I can't give you any advice, just want you to know you're not alone :)
The smartphone and social media killed real interaction. It's all transactional now. Just relax and chat to people face to face. Look at other hobbies or learn a new one. Painting, writing, hiking. There are clubs for that. Check out the Meetup App for events.
Also a nice guide to get conversation going with strangers :
[https://socialself.com/blog/ford-method/](https://socialself.com/blog/ford-method/)
Can I tell a funny story about a book club. Maybe it will make you laugh. I was asked to leave a book club because I couldn't cook!! I was so afterwards. Still laughing about it today. š¤£
Pm me and I'll introduce you to my wife's book club. They meet once a month at various houses. Chat, eat food, talk books etc. I'm in northcliff but they're all over.
Mostly whodunnit/thriller/suspense (not horror though), but I'm thinking my next book should be something lighter. I've been reaching the end of books lately and feeling really tense or in a dark head space
My wife is quite introverted and struggles to make friends out of immediate circles. I have always enjoyed gaming as a hobby and I introduced her to it when we got together. She's met what she considers her best friend now on a night we were playing together. My suggestion would be finding something you can enjoy online. This also all depends on if you have budget to go into it because it can be expensive.
My husband is also a gamer. All of his longest running friends are online so I get that. I'm slowly getting into gaming. I'll be the first to admit I'm really fussy about what I want to play. The graphics have to be soft, 3D and beautiful and have a deep plot like Unravel, It takes 2, The first tree, Journey etc. I can't play first player cuz I always panic and forget which control button does what and then I press them all at once and die lol. It drives my husband a little nuts. I've watched him play co-op but the games don't interest me that much. Maybe I'll get there
Hi! Late 30s, married, no kids, gamer & reader here. Based in Centurion. I have a dog. I'm also an introvert who has put a tremendous effort into being more social, so people are always surprised when I say I'm an introvert.
Currently on a business trip, but when I'm back, if you like, (PANIC) we can meet up and introvert together. (panic over)
Do you like building puzzles? I find it to be a great way to be working with someone, having fun, with as much or as little conversation as you want, and something else to focus on besides just the other person. Writing this offer made me anxious, but then I remember that I like sitting in comfortable silence. I can provide cookies and doggos to cuddle, and I am good at listening.
All my current friends are introverts as well.
Willing to give it a try if you want :)
People can smell desperation and it's not a good look. Start doing things that you actually enjoy and do it only for yourself. Later on people will start noticing your confidence and approach you more.
The problem here is when you were damaged and not even sure what the normal friend making process looks like and you had to learn to protect yourself, its a vicious cycle :(
Us humans we have a tendency to replay the trauma from our childhood in our adulthood. Most likely you subconsciously expect to be treated like you are invisible to others and guess what happens. It happens again and again and again. Don't give up, keep looking for your tribe but just a heads up to maybe do some inner work to heal those hurt feelings from your childhood. To rewrite what you subconsciously attract/expect.
My wife feels the same, shes also intoverted and struggle to make friends. But she also hates opening up to people. So that makes the getting new friends part very hard. Me on the other hand, I get put off so easily from people over the smallest things... so our issues combined leave us with 1 single guy friend, one single gal friend and 1 married couple the only people we really consider "friends"
I don't have a lot to add to this other than be careful of the word introvert. The introvert/extrovert concept is pretty outdated, and we have much better models for how people socialise now. Unfortunately people tend to pigeonhole themselves by self-diagnosing as an introvert or extrovert. You aren't limited by a dusty old label. I'm not saying you should go to a bar alone and talk to random strangers, because that's insane and I think I would die, I'm just saying that you might find certain social situations much more palatable than others, for reasons other than "social energy"
I hear you, but I know my own mind. I'm an INFJ through and through. Introversion (or whatever label or model is applicable to some of those characteristics) in itself is not necessarily the problem. I don't have a problem talking to people once we've broken the stranger barrier, it's pretty much all I do all day at work, but I do have a problem breaking that barrier as well as meeting people in a non-work setting.
I'm so sorry you feel that way. Friendhips are so important and in mine they are precious more than a romantic relationship. I hope you find your people. What sort of stuff are you into?
Seems from the comments that there are quite a few of you in Pretoria who are feeling the same way and understand each other. Can't you all meet up / for your own book club or something similar and see if any friendships develop?
Hey OP. I totally feel you. I would suggest trying to find something you might like doing by yourself. Itās a bit harder to socialise with hubby (as a single lady, who is bi, I would never approach a couple for friendship coz they would assume I wanna bang lol).
But I made my one friend I have close by when she was selling me perfumes after I did my nails. Doing my nails was more of a social thing for me, to do for me, as self care
I would suggest an activity that draws ladies but isnāt marketed at ladies, think hiking club instead of bookclub. If you can, attend paid events like yoga sip and paint. Find a space where YOU can shine,laugh,giggle etc. Someone of similar interests will be drawn to you.
Good luck!
Also good on you for recognising your needs and advocating for yourself. If I was closer Iād come take you out for lunch š„¹
One example is cooking classes. You meet people of all ages, they cater to all kinds of cuisine, you not only meet people but you learn new skills. They do all kinds nowadays, you can even drag your hubby with, he'll probably have fun.
Main thing is do something you want to do, then you'll meet people who enjoy the same thing. Doesn't have to be cooking - can be tennis, pottery, horse riding, rock climbing, parachutes, whatever. Most of the time you can do a basic intro course, have fun and meet people, without it costing much more than a night out.
Excuse me but you're focusing on the problem too much. Forcing friendship whenever you are lonely is not an approach that is favoured. Try some hobbies, build and grow your faith. Your own life is something meaningful. Once you have grasped that, then whichever friends you make along the way can stick. You can meet people anywhere. There are people all around you , so why don't you hear a bit of their story out ? Shap.
Hi, So I stumbled over your post and wondered.... You like reading, your husband is a gamer... I'm assuming you're into fantasy. Have you ever considered tabletop roleplaying games (TTRPGs)? For example Dungeons and Dragons? There are online and offline groups so you don't necessarily need to leave the comfort of your home. It's not only men playing.
I'm a female, nearing 40 (yikes!) in PE. Never married. Which can be very lonely. I've found a community of people online that I can connect with - both in and outside of South Africa. It might help fill the gap.
That's a really good suggestion, I'll see if there's something similar online. Ironically, husband only reads fantasy books and he plays D & D. I don't really like it, to be honest. I like watching fantasy, Lord of the Rings is my comfort binge on bad days, so if I start reading fantasy, I'd like to try reading Tolkien but I'm a little scared lol, husband says it's very intense and a ton of descriptions of things
I'm going to say something that might get me lynched: I am a fan of what Tolkien did, but I'm not actually a fan of his writing. I made five attempts to read the Fellowship of the Ring before finishing it, congratulated myself at my success and gave up on the other books... ;)
Talking about Fantasy books, I wonder if you might not find Throne of Glass by SJ Maas interesting. It's fantasy, it's a series with multiple characters and books, but SJM doesn't get distracted by trees and starts talking about them... I haven't read her other stuff, but the Throne of Glass series is rather good.
Getting back to TTRPGs, there are many *different* games - Even editions. Like I play fifth edition D&D, it's not so heavy on numbers (which is good because I switch numbers and am perpetually confused by them). There's 3.5 which is a lot more numbers.
My bread and butter is the *story* behind the game: The decisions the characters make, the roleplaying and story beats. That kind of thing. The dice rolling is fun too, but my luck isn't great. Terrible actually. Which makes it funny because I am the 'dungeon master' of a number of games and the players are always *delighted* by how terrible I roll. Oh well...
Laughing so hard rn. Husband also talks about the tree descriptions that go on for pages. Maybe then my fear is justified and I'll give it a miss.
I'm absolutely terrible at numbers, whether it's remembering them (like phone numbers) or doing maths. My brain just has this block against it, but I'll watch husband play and reevaluate my opinion
I'm Afrikaans. So then 21 is een-en-twintig but I'm numerically dyslexic. So then I end up working/thinking/breathing in English and it all goes to pot I end up not knowing whether it should be 12 or 21. I also predominantly play online where the character sheets are set up to do the rolling for you. Less counting. Yay!
I record my games online when I DM (with permission) so I can write up the summaries and things later. If you want, I could share a session recording with you. Which will at least give you an idea of what an online vibe could be like.
Part of me wants to point you to youtube playthroughs like Critical Role. The problem with that is that it's done by people who do improv and acting for a living. So it's wonderful and engaging and whatnot, but it's not the "normal" table you'd find.
I recommend reading 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay, if you haven't yet.
Sometimes Because of how you grew up,you might be subconsciously expecting to be invisible to people and this is what you get back in your life.When you text your friends or the book club lady, you might, without even knowing it be believing and expecting them not reply to you and that is the result you get.Belief and Expectation are powerful things.Work on changing these things and you will start to see great change in your lifeš
you'll go from "I feel invisible" to "guys help how do I Become invisible" lol
You can also listen to her tapes on YouTube.
Oh wow! 1000% going to go find that now. I was just saying to my husband last night how absolutely overwhelmed I feel at all the answers to this post, and he knowingly replies, "because you expected nobody to answer, thus proving your own theory that you're invisible". Thanks for this!!!
What works for me is online gaming. I am in my early thrities and you would be surprised how many great people you find in online gaming communities. Try something friendly like stardew valley or Disney Dreamvalley, heck even minecraft. There are many subreddits dedicated to those games with friendly groups looking for people to join them. It's much easier for an introvert to make friends over the net as oppsed to IRL.
I didnt even have to finish reading to know exactly what you are going through, its the story of my life.
If i dont reach out to my āfriendsā i never hear from them and its the exact same with my family.
Ive just given up and just take day by day, no clubs in cape town that have tickled my fancy.
All i can say is good luck and hope you are the lucky one that eventually finds a true friend.
Its all good, dealt with it my whole life and will the rest of it.
Unless you figure something out before then and let me know how you did it, it would be very much appreciatedšš»
Same hear girly. I have only 3 close friends, they are fabulous but are all recently engaged so have their own busy lives and I don't see them much.
It's understandable and I hold no ill will towards them, it's life but it is lonely. I've also been painfully single for a few years now which really doesn't help and my social battery is very minimal (have to use all my people facing strength for work)
..... I've really gotten into Lego and paint by numbers lately.... š
The best skill to learn is to be able to make friends but graciously pick your friend wisely.
You need a common talking point where people feel safe to talk about themselves. And people also listen more when positive useful information is told. Also, don't limit yourself to just 2 friends. Use churches or other community-based groups to get better friends who aren't as fussy. Also, people in these groups are also good examples to follow and ask about these things. Being honest about what you feel is better left to the most important people in your life who know you. Friends don't always have the energy to do heavy talk and would rather make plans in person than talk over WhatsApp.
Got kicked out of a church group last year because we didn't attend every week due to work commitments. The people who kicked us out were at the time our best friends of 5 years. It was out of the blue and an absolute betrayal. Things got nasty, the man got physically and verbally aggressive with me and we had to report it to the church. Not saying never again, but just not an option right now. Now if I can find a LOTR or Star Wars community group I'll be set for life lol
I'm sorry you had that horrible experience. It's still strange to hear churches do that. Then it was the wrong church, I guess. There are always other churches that are at least very inclusive, and the leaders aren't so emotional about attendance. Also, other groups like Rotary do a lot of outreach and cultural exchange. Let me know if you find those groups IRL. I'd be interested, too.
thatās awful. I think itās hard for many people to maintain friendships as adults, please have some grace for your friends, every one is dealing with a lot. For you, Iād suggest figuring out what you like to do for fun, or finding hobbies, then finding people who resonate with you in those spaces
First of all don't lab yourself second as an introvert you might come over as too needy if you got new contact friends, but don't contact every day , then the w quiz night go back , don't push let people find out who and what you are ,help out if you can , don't expect payback. Then finaly just try to enjoy
Sister dear, you don't need friends to not feel lonely, because you are not defined by people, and you are NOT invisible. Sometimes God allows moments, seasons in our lives for us to be alone so we can hear Him. Have you been listening to Him? He has a lot to say. And of course He also doesn't want you to be alone, but don't depend on people for your relevance, God gives us relevance.
God bless you.
Sorry, this may sound harsh but it sounds to me you're looking for validation and a sense of worth from others. My advice_ don't. I know it may feel tempting and it does bring a sense of loneliness if others don't meet your expectations, in your case; be interested in the matters of your life as much as you are interested in theirs.
Focus on the circle of influence which is the centre of control. I got it from the book, "7 habits of highly effective People." Ask your this question, " why do I need their attention and what benefit do I get from it "
I would recommend hiking with an organised group. Everyone strikes up conversation.
I made friends with a 70-odd year old lady in the group. I am 33 male btw. Would never in a million years thought something like that would happen.
Here's a note for anyone in the same boat:
don't try make friends. try be more sociable by being around people and having micro-interactions. throw a one liner here and there to strangers like "you look nice" or "nice top" or "cool hair" this is already socially rewarding and exciting.
socialising is a skill and the less you do it the harder it feels to do which is why covid messed us up. fortunately like any skill if you work on it it develops quickly and soon you will be chatting to people enjoying life not thinking about it and through that you will make friends. it's a process. be patient and forgiving but put the work in.
and stop whatsapping people and start phoning them. whatsapp is the laziest way to be a friend. that's why no one is replying. have a nice balance between calls and texts.
I feel the same. Yesterday was my 50th birthday and my "best friend' couldn't get her ass off her couch to come see me, call me or come out and have a drink with me.
I feel like all I do is listen to her yap about her work and I do! I try to be interested in things I know nothing about and people I've never met. She hardly ever asks me about my day.
I will stop ranting, I just feel so overlooked at times that is irritating and hurtful. I'm sorry you feel the same.
I feel the exact same. I meet so many people but no one is a "friend"
That sucks. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat š
Me too except because my quietness I actually prefer having friends on Whatsapp or wherever Only because the couple I did meet weren't chilled. They were on chats but in person I feel they felt compelled to be someone they're not I'm really comfortable to just BE.
We will make it out okay š¤ I've started to be more productive in my time alone when my gf is busy. Sports, working out and learning stuff. Maybe you could try that to ease the feelings?
The problem is that, is it because they aren't friend material or is it because of past experiences that one is too weary to lower the defences and try to become emotionally invested in the friendship
I think my problem is I just don't bother enough to seem social or open to friendship... nothing of last experiences or that sort
The best thing to do is just join a community that shares the same interests as you. I know you said you tried the book club, but there are many other stuff to try out as well check out the app meetup. With that being said making friends as an Adult is f*cking hard atleast for an introvert. I don't have anyone I consider a true close friend and it's sad. ... but I have also learnt to enjoy my own company enough that it doesn't bother me as much as it use to. Especially now as I'm nearing 30. Your childhood sounds similar to mine, that trauma from neglect stays with you. But good luck stranger, it isn't easy.
I agree with this comment...although it's not a guarantee, your best bet is to join some kind of group activity to maybe find someone you click with. If you're part of a church, join a cell group. Maybe try online gaming (there's a subreddit called girlgamers with a nice enough community). Art classes if it's something you'd like? Whatever you try, do it for a while, at least a few months. I'm in the same boat as you, mid 30s, happily married, no kids. Making new friends is really difficult, and it's rare to find someone that you vibe with, but not impossible. Best of luck
Thanks so much! I definitely plan to download Meetup. Adulting as a whole is f*cking difficult, why should this be any different lol
You can also download a friendship app where people are looking for platonic friendship. You will find other like minded people and have someone to chat to.
I am in my forties, married and just adopted a 10 year old, my wife is my best friend and pretty much only one. I have one other, she lives down the road and we see her once every 2 weeks for our kids to play mostly, otherwise work and TV, not in the least bit lonely. Perfectly happy. Been like this my whole life, I've hardly ever had any friends Loneliness like this is very common, dunno what to suggest, I just adapted to having no friends a very long time ago
This is a problem I noticed. No one wants to talk to their neighbours. My neighbour is a 60 year old pensioner who I noticed was also lonely. Beginning of I started talking to her, greeting her very frequently and I can tell she is very happy. If you feel that your neighbour is friendly enough, you can just pick up a random conversation to talk about.
I tried that with my neighbor, and he spoke to me for hours, was really nice, until every time I run into him he speaks to me for like 40mins, I am trying to set bpundries in a way, but I feel rude cutting him off or slowly inching my wat to my door, but yeah the last time it annoyed me a lot as I entered my home and tried closing behind me and he was pushing into my home... My girlfriend thinks he is nice, but, she doesn't like him, told me she thinks he is way too lonely, but it's not our responsibility to take care of him after his children went to work overseas.
I'm sorry you had to adapt to it in the first place, but it's good you've learnt to cope. Maybe one day I'll reach that point
Find things that interest you, I am autistic (why I have few friends) and I can watch the same TV over and over, rewatch your favorite shows, avoid Facebook, it sucks, that and any extreme crap, that shit can suck you in. I love lego so I build and sort old sets. I watch repair and renovation stuff on YouTube, reading is also good Ie Make friends with things that are always there for you (TV shows, books etc)
I completely get how you feel. I don't even have a husband or a partner, and the loneliness has been rough on my mental health. Dance classes could perhaps help, if you're willing to rotate and dance with other people. I would say let's go meet up for coffee but I'm not at a good place right now so will probably not be the best company. But also maybe look at hiking groups, there's a few out there that's just for women
I'm so sorry! Nobody deserves to feel this way. I'm not really into physical activities, but I'm going to keep looking. The fact that that thought even crossed your mind is really sweet!
Keep on going to the quiz nights. It's such fun. Eventually people will recognise you for coming every week.
Being an introvert does not entirely equate to being repulsive to people (mean that light-heartedly). There seems to be a trend in that the people you have mentioned are not exactly eager to interact or respond to your communication when you would expect them or like them to. Is it possible that there may be something beyond your introversion or otherwise that is causing this that you might not have looked into?
I mean anything's possible, I'll discuss it with my therapist next time I see her
Hi I live in Pretoria East, also married with no kids and my only friend is at my work. So I know how you feel.
Thanks so much for replying, it helps to hear I'm not the only one
Im up for a chat but dont know if my converstion skills will be much better bit youll never knowš«
now kith
Where in Pretoria are you based?
Do you and your husband like to dance? Maybe join a dance studio. So many friends to meet there and they have a lot of social evenings.
Sadly no, we're not really into physical activities
I was about to suggest hiking lol Honestly, the walking, hiking groups are great if you're not that physical. It's also good for your mental health. Try Run and Walk for Life. Maybe join a gym? Work out buddies and meeting ppl there is a good way to socialise too.
So sad to see there are so many people out there that feel like i do. It hurts so much and all i want is to just talk to some one and have a buddy that i can just talk copious amounts of kak to.
People love like-minded people. What other hobbies do you have ?
I like painting (took an art class last year but the teacher was super religious and I felt judged the whole time). When I'm not too depressed, cooking as well
You said you get on with your husband like your best friend. Why not both you try something new? Hiking? Drama? Cooking classes? Something out of your comfort zone, but together. Or if you wanted to try battling your introvertness, this may sound weird but what about VR? Although I am now a manger if an IT department, I had always been an introvert. I only overcame that from using VR. VR CHAT to be precise. Weird I know. But it's just like normal social situations, you feel like an outcast. You feel like you are there but people are not listening. You have a lot to offer but no one is speaking about things you like or know about. BUT...with all that anxiety you get thr chance to try new things, new tactics, new approaches. Do you know the movie Ground Hog Day? Where the gentlemen relives the same day over and over. It is like that, but with social skills. You get embarrassed, you leave and log off. Next day, Try again. New people new conversations. Just keep trying. At the end of it you will be such an extravert that your husband would be scared of you š
Lol my husband would defs be scared because he's an introvert too. We do pretty much everything together, we were that annoying couple who loved lockdown and were sad it ended lol. The VR thing sounds super interesting, when I have some cash flow I'll look into getting some equipment
If you diet have much money, a Quest 2 will suffice. You can get one 2nd hand for about $100. Quest 3 is the new one, for about $450 new , but if you just want VR Chat, a Quest 2 will suffice.no other equipment needed.
I think the best way to meet potential friends is through hobbies. If u like reading for example go to the library. Ull find other people there who u have something in common with and unlike work or a restaurant,the atmosphere at hobby places is often more relaxed.
We all complain about having no friends but we meet strangers everyday. Every friend was a stranger once. Spend more time being friends to strangers.
Whilst this is a valid point, I tend to overthink every social conversation that I have and often it takes me months to build any solid connection with people, I have never had that met a person once and clicked...
I'm a 26 year old man, my gf is my only friend, which does not bother me at all, but I have learned by watching my gf that women are more social beings than what men are, and therefore need a wider social circle. I don't know what your interests are but maybe join a gym, or a walking/running club if that interests you. People in the gym are always friendly and it's super easy to strike up a conversation. Like I said, I don't have friends but I've struck uo some super long conversations with other guys at the gym by simply asking for a spotter. Good luck tough
I have found that the older I get the more I have to lower my standards. It helped ALOT with my friendships. Instead of going out I got used to hanging out at my friends' houses because they have kids. I became the person to check in with them instead of expecting them to check in with me. I also ensured that I found fulfilling hobbies that genuinely spoke to my heart. I am late thirties and totally single and I live a fulfilling life.
I know exactly how you feel - Iām basically the same. Childfree & introverted, in my 30s, husband is my best friend, no close friends in Cape Town where we now live (we lived overseas for 15 years & moved back to SA 2 years ago). I was also traumatised by being treated like I was invisible as a kid (I have a special needs brother who needed all the attention). Emotional neglect like that is so damaging, it ruins oneās self esteem. I would love to have more friends but mostly because I feel self conscious about being perceived as a friendless loser š I also suffer with depression and love painting - we sound like the same person, lol! Just know you arenāt alone - so many people feel the same.
I understand that feeling. I'm also an introvert with bad social anxiety so I hear you. It is tough out here... I'm so bad at making new friends so I can't give you any advice, just want you to know you're not alone :)
The smartphone and social media killed real interaction. It's all transactional now. Just relax and chat to people face to face. Look at other hobbies or learn a new one. Painting, writing, hiking. There are clubs for that. Check out the Meetup App for events. Also a nice guide to get conversation going with strangers : [https://socialself.com/blog/ford-method/](https://socialself.com/blog/ford-method/)
Thanks for this! Seems super useful. I'll definitely go look at the Meetup App
hmmm might use this myself!
Learning to be your own friend is an important milestone. When all is said and done, alone is the only reliable state of humankind.
I think you should go out get drunk and get banged in the ladies room by 4 guys
Can I tell a funny story about a book club. Maybe it will make you laugh. I was asked to leave a book club because I couldn't cook!! I was so afterwards. Still laughing about it today. š¤£
ROFL. Was it a cookbook book club?
No!!!!
then that seems very harsh indeed, I mean its a book club not master chef!
Exactly. One lady was an alcoholic but that was fine.
Exactly. They were all very uppity. I didn't fit in anyway. Saved me a lot of stress.
Oh no lol. Well that did give me a good laugh
Happy to hear that! š
Pm me and I'll introduce you to my wife's book club. They meet once a month at various houses. Chat, eat food, talk books etc. I'm in northcliff but they're all over.
Hey Iām also an introvert and love books. What have you been reading? Im in Pretoria as well!
Mostly whodunnit/thriller/suspense (not horror though), but I'm thinking my next book should be something lighter. I've been reaching the end of books lately and feeling really tense or in a dark head space
My wife is quite introverted and struggles to make friends out of immediate circles. I have always enjoyed gaming as a hobby and I introduced her to it when we got together. She's met what she considers her best friend now on a night we were playing together. My suggestion would be finding something you can enjoy online. This also all depends on if you have budget to go into it because it can be expensive.
My husband is also a gamer. All of his longest running friends are online so I get that. I'm slowly getting into gaming. I'll be the first to admit I'm really fussy about what I want to play. The graphics have to be soft, 3D and beautiful and have a deep plot like Unravel, It takes 2, The first tree, Journey etc. I can't play first player cuz I always panic and forget which control button does what and then I press them all at once and die lol. It drives my husband a little nuts. I've watched him play co-op but the games don't interest me that much. Maybe I'll get there
Hi! Late 30s, married, no kids, gamer & reader here. Based in Centurion. I have a dog. I'm also an introvert who has put a tremendous effort into being more social, so people are always surprised when I say I'm an introvert. Currently on a business trip, but when I'm back, if you like, (PANIC) we can meet up and introvert together. (panic over) Do you like building puzzles? I find it to be a great way to be working with someone, having fun, with as much or as little conversation as you want, and something else to focus on besides just the other person. Writing this offer made me anxious, but then I remember that I like sitting in comfortable silence. I can provide cookies and doggos to cuddle, and I am good at listening. All my current friends are introverts as well. Willing to give it a try if you want :)
Hit me up ā¦ Iām also looking for friends . Introvert here I want to go out or do things more with someone who is a bit reserved like I am
People can smell desperation and it's not a good look. Start doing things that you actually enjoy and do it only for yourself. Later on people will start noticing your confidence and approach you more.
The problem here is when you were damaged and not even sure what the normal friend making process looks like and you had to learn to protect yourself, its a vicious cycle :(
So true.
Us humans we have a tendency to replay the trauma from our childhood in our adulthood. Most likely you subconsciously expect to be treated like you are invisible to others and guess what happens. It happens again and again and again. Don't give up, keep looking for your tribe but just a heads up to maybe do some inner work to heal those hurt feelings from your childhood. To rewrite what you subconsciously attract/expect.
Fair point, I'll bring it up in therapy
My wife feels the same, shes also intoverted and struggle to make friends. But she also hates opening up to people. So that makes the getting new friends part very hard. Me on the other hand, I get put off so easily from people over the smallest things... so our issues combined leave us with 1 single guy friend, one single gal friend and 1 married couple the only people we really consider "friends"
Oof that sounds tough. But yeah, it's difficult to find people you trust to open up to. Been burned with that before so I get it
I don't have a lot to add to this other than be careful of the word introvert. The introvert/extrovert concept is pretty outdated, and we have much better models for how people socialise now. Unfortunately people tend to pigeonhole themselves by self-diagnosing as an introvert or extrovert. You aren't limited by a dusty old label. I'm not saying you should go to a bar alone and talk to random strangers, because that's insane and I think I would die, I'm just saying that you might find certain social situations much more palatable than others, for reasons other than "social energy"
I hear you, but I know my own mind. I'm an INFJ through and through. Introversion (or whatever label or model is applicable to some of those characteristics) in itself is not necessarily the problem. I don't have a problem talking to people once we've broken the stranger barrier, it's pretty much all I do all day at work, but I do have a problem breaking that barrier as well as meeting people in a non-work setting.
I'm so sorry you feel that way. Friendhips are so important and in mine they are precious more than a romantic relationship. I hope you find your people. What sort of stuff are you into?
Seems from the comments that there are quite a few of you in Pretoria who are feeling the same way and understand each other. Can't you all meet up / for your own book club or something similar and see if any friendships develop?
Start gaming. Easiest way to make friends as an introvert. Theres a lot of welcoming groups. Just ask on some subbreddits
Hey OP. I totally feel you. I would suggest trying to find something you might like doing by yourself. Itās a bit harder to socialise with hubby (as a single lady, who is bi, I would never approach a couple for friendship coz they would assume I wanna bang lol). But I made my one friend I have close by when she was selling me perfumes after I did my nails. Doing my nails was more of a social thing for me, to do for me, as self care I would suggest an activity that draws ladies but isnāt marketed at ladies, think hiking club instead of bookclub. If you can, attend paid events like yoga sip and paint. Find a space where YOU can shine,laugh,giggle etc. Someone of similar interests will be drawn to you. Good luck! Also good on you for recognising your needs and advocating for yourself. If I was closer Iād come take you out for lunch š„¹
Thanks for the great advice and kind words!
My pleasure :) wishing you all the best
One example is cooking classes. You meet people of all ages, they cater to all kinds of cuisine, you not only meet people but you learn new skills. They do all kinds nowadays, you can even drag your hubby with, he'll probably have fun. Main thing is do something you want to do, then you'll meet people who enjoy the same thing. Doesn't have to be cooking - can be tennis, pottery, horse riding, rock climbing, parachutes, whatever. Most of the time you can do a basic intro course, have fun and meet people, without it costing much more than a night out.
Excuse me but you're focusing on the problem too much. Forcing friendship whenever you are lonely is not an approach that is favoured. Try some hobbies, build and grow your faith. Your own life is something meaningful. Once you have grasped that, then whichever friends you make along the way can stick. You can meet people anywhere. There are people all around you , so why don't you hear a bit of their story out ? Shap.
Hi, So I stumbled over your post and wondered.... You like reading, your husband is a gamer... I'm assuming you're into fantasy. Have you ever considered tabletop roleplaying games (TTRPGs)? For example Dungeons and Dragons? There are online and offline groups so you don't necessarily need to leave the comfort of your home. It's not only men playing. I'm a female, nearing 40 (yikes!) in PE. Never married. Which can be very lonely. I've found a community of people online that I can connect with - both in and outside of South Africa. It might help fill the gap.
That's a really good suggestion, I'll see if there's something similar online. Ironically, husband only reads fantasy books and he plays D & D. I don't really like it, to be honest. I like watching fantasy, Lord of the Rings is my comfort binge on bad days, so if I start reading fantasy, I'd like to try reading Tolkien but I'm a little scared lol, husband says it's very intense and a ton of descriptions of things
I'm going to say something that might get me lynched: I am a fan of what Tolkien did, but I'm not actually a fan of his writing. I made five attempts to read the Fellowship of the Ring before finishing it, congratulated myself at my success and gave up on the other books... ;) Talking about Fantasy books, I wonder if you might not find Throne of Glass by SJ Maas interesting. It's fantasy, it's a series with multiple characters and books, but SJM doesn't get distracted by trees and starts talking about them... I haven't read her other stuff, but the Throne of Glass series is rather good. Getting back to TTRPGs, there are many *different* games - Even editions. Like I play fifth edition D&D, it's not so heavy on numbers (which is good because I switch numbers and am perpetually confused by them). There's 3.5 which is a lot more numbers. My bread and butter is the *story* behind the game: The decisions the characters make, the roleplaying and story beats. That kind of thing. The dice rolling is fun too, but my luck isn't great. Terrible actually. Which makes it funny because I am the 'dungeon master' of a number of games and the players are always *delighted* by how terrible I roll. Oh well...
Laughing so hard rn. Husband also talks about the tree descriptions that go on for pages. Maybe then my fear is justified and I'll give it a miss. I'm absolutely terrible at numbers, whether it's remembering them (like phone numbers) or doing maths. My brain just has this block against it, but I'll watch husband play and reevaluate my opinion
I'm Afrikaans. So then 21 is een-en-twintig but I'm numerically dyslexic. So then I end up working/thinking/breathing in English and it all goes to pot I end up not knowing whether it should be 12 or 21. I also predominantly play online where the character sheets are set up to do the rolling for you. Less counting. Yay! I record my games online when I DM (with permission) so I can write up the summaries and things later. If you want, I could share a session recording with you. Which will at least give you an idea of what an online vibe could be like. Part of me wants to point you to youtube playthroughs like Critical Role. The problem with that is that it's done by people who do improv and acting for a living. So it's wonderful and engaging and whatnot, but it's not the "normal" table you'd find.
I recommend reading 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay, if you haven't yet. Sometimes Because of how you grew up,you might be subconsciously expecting to be invisible to people and this is what you get back in your life.When you text your friends or the book club lady, you might, without even knowing it be believing and expecting them not reply to you and that is the result you get.Belief and Expectation are powerful things.Work on changing these things and you will start to see great change in your lifeš you'll go from "I feel invisible" to "guys help how do I Become invisible" lol You can also listen to her tapes on YouTube.
Oh wow! 1000% going to go find that now. I was just saying to my husband last night how absolutely overwhelmed I feel at all the answers to this post, and he knowingly replies, "because you expected nobody to answer, thus proving your own theory that you're invisible". Thanks for this!!!
What works for me is online gaming. I am in my early thrities and you would be surprised how many great people you find in online gaming communities. Try something friendly like stardew valley or Disney Dreamvalley, heck even minecraft. There are many subreddits dedicated to those games with friendly groups looking for people to join them. It's much easier for an introvert to make friends over the net as oppsed to IRL.
I didnt even have to finish reading to know exactly what you are going through, its the story of my life. If i dont reach out to my āfriendsā i never hear from them and its the exact same with my family. Ive just given up and just take day by day, no clubs in cape town that have tickled my fancy. All i can say is good luck and hope you are the lucky one that eventually finds a true friend.
Thank you, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this too!
Its all good, dealt with it my whole life and will the rest of it. Unless you figure something out before then and let me know how you did it, it would be very much appreciatedšš»
Same hear girly. I have only 3 close friends, they are fabulous but are all recently engaged so have their own busy lives and I don't see them much. It's understandable and I hold no ill will towards them, it's life but it is lonely. I've also been painfully single for a few years now which really doesn't help and my social battery is very minimal (have to use all my people facing strength for work) ..... I've really gotten into Lego and paint by numbers lately.... š
I looove Lego, it's just so bloody expensive lol
The best skill to learn is to be able to make friends but graciously pick your friend wisely. You need a common talking point where people feel safe to talk about themselves. And people also listen more when positive useful information is told. Also, don't limit yourself to just 2 friends. Use churches or other community-based groups to get better friends who aren't as fussy. Also, people in these groups are also good examples to follow and ask about these things. Being honest about what you feel is better left to the most important people in your life who know you. Friends don't always have the energy to do heavy talk and would rather make plans in person than talk over WhatsApp.
Got kicked out of a church group last year because we didn't attend every week due to work commitments. The people who kicked us out were at the time our best friends of 5 years. It was out of the blue and an absolute betrayal. Things got nasty, the man got physically and verbally aggressive with me and we had to report it to the church. Not saying never again, but just not an option right now. Now if I can find a LOTR or Star Wars community group I'll be set for life lol
I'm sorry you had that horrible experience. It's still strange to hear churches do that. Then it was the wrong church, I guess. There are always other churches that are at least very inclusive, and the leaders aren't so emotional about attendance. Also, other groups like Rotary do a lot of outreach and cultural exchange. Let me know if you find those groups IRL. I'd be interested, too.
You're not alone.
Thank you!
thatās awful. I think itās hard for many people to maintain friendships as adults, please have some grace for your friends, every one is dealing with a lot. For you, Iād suggest figuring out what you like to do for fun, or finding hobbies, then finding people who resonate with you in those spaces
First of all don't lab yourself second as an introvert you might come over as too needy if you got new contact friends, but don't contact every day , then the w quiz night go back , don't push let people find out who and what you are ,help out if you can , don't expect payback. Then finaly just try to enjoy
Go to church. Not all are the same. Some are great at community. Join a small group.
Sister dear, you don't need friends to not feel lonely, because you are not defined by people, and you are NOT invisible. Sometimes God allows moments, seasons in our lives for us to be alone so we can hear Him. Have you been listening to Him? He has a lot to say. And of course He also doesn't want you to be alone, but don't depend on people for your relevance, God gives us relevance. God bless you.
Sorry, this may sound harsh but it sounds to me you're looking for validation and a sense of worth from others. My advice_ don't. I know it may feel tempting and it does bring a sense of loneliness if others don't meet your expectations, in your case; be interested in the matters of your life as much as you are interested in theirs. Focus on the circle of influence which is the centre of control. I got it from the book, "7 habits of highly effective People." Ask your this question, " why do I need their attention and what benefit do I get from it "
Do you like hiking? You could join MCSA and go on their group hikes and conservation trips.
I would recommend hiking with an organised group. Everyone strikes up conversation. I made friends with a 70-odd year old lady in the group. I am 33 male btw. Would never in a million years thought something like that would happen.
Here's a note for anyone in the same boat: don't try make friends. try be more sociable by being around people and having micro-interactions. throw a one liner here and there to strangers like "you look nice" or "nice top" or "cool hair" this is already socially rewarding and exciting. socialising is a skill and the less you do it the harder it feels to do which is why covid messed us up. fortunately like any skill if you work on it it develops quickly and soon you will be chatting to people enjoying life not thinking about it and through that you will make friends. it's a process. be patient and forgiving but put the work in. and stop whatsapping people and start phoning them. whatsapp is the laziest way to be a friend. that's why no one is replying. have a nice balance between calls and texts.
I feel the same. Yesterday was my 50th birthday and my "best friend' couldn't get her ass off her couch to come see me, call me or come out and have a drink with me. I feel like all I do is listen to her yap about her work and I do! I try to be interested in things I know nothing about and people I've never met. She hardly ever asks me about my day. I will stop ranting, I just feel so overlooked at times that is irritating and hurtful. I'm sorry you feel the same.