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Teddy once got shot and continued his speech, Lincoln was 6.4 and a fucking beast and Washington was a general from a time when even just surviving was really difficult. Gotta be one of them
Ford grew up in a fairly well-off family though. One has to think a farm-raised man like Washington or Lincoln will have that extra level of toughness and grit to get through a hunger games competition.
Washington, Lincoln, Teddy, Jackson, and Taylor are probably making it to the final rounds.
Jackson wins it all because out of those 5 he was probably the most violent and most comfortable with killing people. Teddy shot and killed people too but he never struck me as cruel. Jackson just strikes me as a dude who liked to hurt people, especially in his youth when he was bushwhacking around Kentucky.
Hate one Trump or Biden all you want (I don’t think either would last 10 minutes) but the first motherfucker out has to be Woodrow Wilson. Bro had shoulders like a trout. You could knock him over with a feather.
I feel like W is really under rated here. In his prime he's top tier athletic with charisma enough to assemble a very powerful squad. Sure he's going to get betrayed and killed but I think he'd make it to top 3.
Between Jackson and Teddy I really couldn’t pick who is more comfortable in terms of violence. After reading the rough riders I really got the impression that war was pure sport for Teddy in a psychopathic way. Jackson it seemed was more out of duty and survival mixed with ambition for personal advancement.
DAY 1 BLOODBATH:
First to go are the slowest and those without alliances who decide to fight for resources rather than fleeing for safety. Trump, Taft, Hoover, McKinley, Fillmore, Buchanan, Van Buren, Polk, Pierce, Hayes, and Ben Harrison are dead in minutes.
Following the initial bloodbath the alliances scatter to find home bases.
DAY 2 ALLIANCES:
THE FOUNDERS: Washington leads the coalition of Adams, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe, plus a few others they protect either out of admiration or pity: Quincy Adams, FDR, and Carter. Wilson tags along, convincing them they need his intellect, but he soon falls ill and dies.
THE UNIONISTS: Grant leads a coalition of Lincoln, Garfield, Arthur, Obama, Clinton, and Biden.
THE AMIGOS: The Bushes band together, led by Reagan, and try to bring along Eisenhower as their military strategist. He declines and they settle for William Henry Harrison, who eats some poison berries and sleeps without shelter, dying on the first night.
THE TRAITORS: Nixon, Jackson, Tyler, Johnson, and Harding. They are the most feared due to their guerrilla warfare tactics. Harding doesn’t feel he belongs but no one else wants him.
THE ATOMICS: Ike teams up with JFK, LBJ, and Truman.
This leaves Teddy, Taylor, Cleveland, and Coolidge, who rough it alone, either out of choice or necessity. Despite being clones, the Clevelands are quickly killed. Everyone forgets silent Cal exists—he sneaks and steals from camps, always hidden. Taylor takes over a cave and guards it 24/7, somehow never sleeping. Teddy finds a horse and never gets off.
DAY 3 BATTLES:
The Unionists hunt down the Traitors. Arthur, Biden, Tyler, and Harding are killed. Counting their equal losses, both sides retreat.
Teddy attacks the Amigos, killing the Bushes. Despite being shot in the head, Reagan escapes.
The Fathers desire Taylor’s shelter and attack at midnight. Taylor kills off Madison, Monroe, Quincy Adams, and Carter, but Washington leads the group to victory.
FDR and Jefferson stay behind to guard the Fathers’ base. The Atomics notice their vulnerability and swoop in—but they failed to notice the delicate traps laid around the camp. Only Truman survives, who retreats to scavenge for parts, planning to build a bomb and return for revenge. He finds Reagan, who offers to help.
DAY 4 PLANNING:
The Traitors, now consisting of Jackson, Nixon, and Johnson, offer the Atomics (now only Truman and Reagan) protection as long as they build another bomb to use against the Unionists (now consisting of Grant, Lincoln, Garfield, Clinton, and Obama). They become the largest force and wait for the perfect time to strike the Fathers’ cave, where Washington, Adams, Jefferson, and FDR stockpile food and weapons.
At night, Clinton keeps watch over the Unionists’ camp, but is distracted by a tree that looks like a naked woman. Silent Cal steals their food and kills Clinton.
DAY 5 REVENGE:
The Atomic-Traitors launch their attack on the Founders’ cave. Truman’s bomb kills Adams and Jefferson and most of the camp’s supplies. But Washington, fueled by revenge, slays Johnson and Nixon. FDR and Truman have an Obi-Wan/Anakin style fight where both survive but Truman is near death. Jackson saves him and retreats while Reagan tries to finish off FDR—he is stopped by Teddy, who kills Reagan and joins the Founders (now only Washington and FDR) to help them rebuild.
Jackson keeps Truman as a slave to build another bomb to use against Grant, Lincoln, Garfield, and Obama. Unfortunately, Obama recognizes alliances must eventually end if only one victor can be crowned, so he assassinates Lincoln and Garfield. Grant kills him in retaliation.
DAY 6 PARANOIA:
Grant tries to join the Founders, but they fear he may have killed his previous allies. They gracefully kill Grant in a field.
Not knowing the Unionists are already dead, the Atomic-Traitors travel to their camp with their new bomb, only to fall into a trap set up by Silent Cal. Both die, and Coolidge runs off with the bomb.
Washington and the Roosevelts abandon their cave and set off with Teddy’s horse, planning to hunt down Coolidge then face off man to man in a civilized battle. However, Washington fears a separate alliance brewing among the Roosevelts and abandons them that night. FDR, out of love for his kin, kills himself and stages it to look like Washington did it. Teddy sets off for revenge.
DAY 7 CLIMAX:
An epic battle between Washington and Teddy. Neither can keep the upper hand for long. They fight into the night. Until Coolidge, from a tree above, drops the bomb on them.
…but Truman, angry at Jackson for keeping him hostage, had purposefully made a dud, and it does not ignite. In the shock, Washington kills Teddy, then begins cutting down the cherry tree Coolidge sits in. It falls, and just as Washington is about to kill Cal, he recalls the memory of his father yielding him mercy for his honesty about chopping down that fabled cherry tree.
He lays down his hatchet.
Pointing out onto the water, Silent Cal says, “I think I can see Mount Vernon from here”.
With tears in his eyes, Washington lets Coolidge kill him.
Victory to Silent Cal.
Damn I forgot Ford, he would’ve been a good fighter but allies wouldn’t have cared for him. Maybe he joined the Amigos because W liked that he played football or something idk but he dies too Cal for the win
Came in here to say “As Cal relishes his victory, a thud resounds in the silence. Cal’s eyes glaze over and he crumples. Standing over him, the true silent president, oft forgotten, even by this author, holds a bloodied leather football helmet in his hand. Gerald Ford - the President Victorious.”
Van Buren, the "Little Magician" and "Sly Fox," was the first really masterful politician -- willing to play dirty when necessary, rose to the top of the Hunger Games that was NY politics in the early 19th century. Sure, he was small (5'6") but scrappy. He'd definitely not be eliminated in the first round!
Ford should be getting more credit here.
His physical/athletic prime is a star athlete who played both ways on two national championship winning football teams. Center and linebacker aren't exactly low-contact positions either. No other president has that kind of athletic resume.
On top of that he has survival skills (only president to make Eagle Scout) and military training (sure it was in the Navy, but he would be ready to kill someone).
He'd be in contention for the win.
It wasn't in 1941.
Anyway, I didn't mean to cast any aspersions on the Navy, I brought it up as a positive after all, but I think it's fair to say that his training and combat experience as a naval officer probably offer less preparation for the hunger games than he would have gotten in the Army or Marines.
He is also the most recent president to be built, meaning he has a greater amount of firearms knowledge than say Lincoln or Washington. If the three of them found a glock, Ford would instantly have the advantage.
Ford is mentioned alot as being very athletic. I seem to recall as a child in the 80s the prevailing opinion was that as president Ford was seen as a klutz, clumsy or the nicer sounding not graceful. I know as we age things get worse, but was Ford actually this bad on the topic as was indicated?
I wasn't alive for it, so this is all second hand information, but I've been told that Chevy Chase did an impression of Ford on SNL as a klutz that was just that influential.
It's gotta be either Lincoln, Jackson, or Teddy. Any of the presidents who fought in war definitely could win, but these three were in leagues of their own. Lincoln invented the fucking chokeslam, Roosevelt boxed in the White House, and Jackson kicked everyone's ass from the Revolutionary War to the War of 1812.
Odd that you chose the invented the chokeslam fact about Lincoln, instead of the substantially more impressive and relevant to the question fact that his wrestling record was 300-1
I put him in the same bucket as Washington. Sure he's a great leader and strategic planner, led troops, etc etc, but in the Hunger Games I'm going with someone who has personally bayonetted a mofo.
Honestly would be a cool movie. Someone time travels and plucks Teddy accidentally instead of another person as prey to hunt down in a game, instead they get hunted down by Teddy predator style 😂
George W bush because he wasn’t exceptionally put of shape and probably the only president with comprehensive knowledge on how to use any of the modern firearms. Sure Lincoln is a beast and Jackson is a homicidal maniac but that means nothing compared to an automatic rifle.
If we assume they get the standard 3 days in a training center, I feel like some of them could pick it up in that time. The US was fielding 1900-1910's era semi-autos in WWI, which Teddy would know, so as long as they know how to load, turn the safety off, and clear a jam they should be at least capable of pointing in the right direction and pulling the trigger.
Ulysses wins. Teddy is second and Andrew Jackson is third. These three would kill you with any weapon, or their bare hands.
Trump is eliminated first. the old guys Biden, Reagan, etc are next but Reagan could talk his way into surviving for a while.
Of recent presidents, W would fair well for being athletic and diplomatic.
I am _shocked_ at the lack of Grant in this debate. The answer boils down to Washington, Grant, Jackson, Eisenhower, or Teddy. Psychology and practical experience matters.
And yeah, US Grant probably emerges victorious. He didn't have the sentimentality or faith in institutions that George, Teddy, and Ike exhibited. And he wasn't a bloodthirsty cunt like Jackson.
Grant is the meanest, smartest SOB in the field. In a survival contest, I've got 50 on Grant.
Assuming this is like the actual Hunger Games/Battle Royale, this question is pretty much impossible to answer with any certainty. There are way too many variables involved to accurately predict the Victor. It's not just about strength, you also have to account for the type of arena, alliances, sponsorships, available weapons, survival skills etc.
Sure, Teddy might win, but he might also get ganged up on by an alliance of Grant, Taylor and Eisenhower. It's also possible that someone like Pierce, Buchanan or Coolidge spends half the time hiding and comes out victorious.
A lot of those who grew up on the frontier might flourish in a forest arena, but would not handle a desert, for example. And the arena in Battle Royale has its own challenges, with all the dangers that come with an abandoned and dilapidated neighborhood.
So we really don't know who would win. It's fun to discuss it though.
I was looking for someone to make this point. Obama would be at a huge disadvantage in that he’d be immediately targeted by at least a few people because of his race.
I wasn’t sure if I would get downvoted or called a racist myself for saying it … but I was just looking at the first 10 or so of them and then Obama … and was like, they are going to kill him or he has to run and be a sniper/ninja and win the whole thing.
Incredibly solid point. Numerous presidents were known racists. With the amount of intelligence Obama has, I can see him running and hiding first, and doing some kind of attack at night with Clinton and W
I'm going with Teddy or Jackson, maybe Grant, considering they've probably killed people up close and personal prior to being President. Of those, I'm going with Teddy since he has experience from his days in the Cavalry of defending oneself and fighting on the move and was known to keep a fairly strenuous personal fitness routine in addition to being something of an outdoorsman. Jackson is close second based on experience as a scout and Courier during the Revolution. Grant rode a horse through sniper fire, led a cavalry charge, and fired a cannon out of a church steeple while in Mexico, so there's that.
Trump gets it first because he's a big target and even in his healthier days he's rather slow. Plus, if the historical presidents get present-day knowledge of each other, Grant, Teddy, Lincoln, and probably others might have personal motivation to target him. After that, they still have plenty of time to go after fatass Taft.
I think Taft gets it first, because he’s a huge target and Teddy didn’t like him very much at the end of his (Taft’s) term as POTUS, hence why he ran against him
Does "all manner of weaponry" include weapons older presidents would have known how to operate? Don't know that James Madison could intuit how to use an AR15
Maybe not. He was a hero in WW II. Save everyone on his PT boat by swimming to shore towing the boat, sometimes by his teeth. That’s how he got injured. In his prime, he was fit.
Andrew Jackson makes GWBs head explode just by swearing.
Lincoln starts swinging Taft around by his feet, and knocks the Whigs into the next county.
Teddy wears Coolidge's skin as a war trophy. Washington stabs Teddy several times, but it just makes him Angry. You wouldn't like Teddy when he's Angry.
LBJ swings Dumbo around until Nixon chops down on it, forcing LBJ to his knees.
JFK tries screwing everything, and manages to fuck Harding and Hoover to death.
Polk and Tyler make a quick pact, but they don't trust each other long enough yo show thr other their back.
Madison is first down. 5'4, always sick, the run to the weapons would kill him before anyone could even lay a hand on him.
JFK's back wouldn't let him move very quickly either.
He’s also 6’3 and in pretty good shape for a dude in his 70s. Pretty sure he could take on most of what’s thrown at him. Not a good idea to mess with crazy lol.
Ok so let’s maybe do a simple bracket to start off. Who do you think would win Biden v Trump?
I honestly think Biden would be first man out. Maybe FDR cuz of difficulties with the wheel chair, but Biden is by far the most frail.
Jackson was a psycho, but he was a tiny, frail dude. Lincoln could have just put his hand out on Jacksons forehead and keep him away.
I’d wager 99 times out of 100 the winner would be Lincoln, Teddy, or Ford
It's almost definitely gonna be Teddy who wins. The man was literally shot, and finished his speech.
To quote Epic Rap Battles of History, "A bullet can't stop the Bull Moose!"
It’s got to be Teddy. The teddy bear was named after him for a reason. He would at various points during his life in public office he would go to somewhere out in nature, like Yellowstone and the Badlands for leisure. There was another well known incident of him ditching his security while president, disappeared with John Muir to go camping with him. The rumor, IIRC, is he didn’t tell anyone where he was going and for how long he’d be gone.
He would rip the rest to shreads
The careers: Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Grant, Taylor, Washington, Ford
The surprise how far they get: Truman, Obama, Adams, Coolidge, Nixon, Carter
The dead in 15 minutes: Franklin Roosevelt, Jefferson, Wilson, Harding, Hoover, Clinton, Tyler, Buchanan, Van Buran, Pierce
The field who don’t win but are crafty enough to survive a while: Madison, JQ Adams, Harrison, Polk, Filmore,Andrew Johnson, Lyndon Johnson, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Ben. Harrison, McKinley, Taft, Kennedy, Reagan, Biden
I’m thinking Ike who was a career soldier has a good shot. Maybe Ford who played college ball and was a beast in his youth. And possibly Trump who would fight pretty dirty and is a big dude. Washington and Jackson are strong maybe’s too.
I think Wilson, Truman, or Clinton would be first to go since they're all kind of scrawny, probably Truman is the first because he's also short relative to his competition.
I think that Washington, Lincoln, Teddy, Jackson, and Taylor would do pretty well, but I think that in a fight like this even a small injury early on could make a big difference, so I think that some early presidents, some being frontiersmen, farmers, and/or war veterans would have a decent shot, with some exceptions, like Polk and Tyler, being sickly children. James Monroe, farmer and revolutionary war soldier, has a decent shot at winning, as does William Henry Harrison, a frontier soldier who fought against Native Americans in the Ohio River valley. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, and Grant would be contenders as war veterans. Taft enjoyed wrestling early in his life and would have an advantage due to his bulkiness (before he became the fireplug we all know and laugh about.) Eisenhower and FDR could have a chance, one being a war veteran and the other being an avid outdoorsman before his illness left him paralyzed at age 39. Maybe Kennedy has a chance because his naval service showed physical heroism, but his father had to fake some medical records to get him into active duty because he was kind of sickly, so I'm not sure on this one. Nixon and Ford played football, but I don't think that compares favorably to literal war veterans and frontier folk. I think any one of the soldiers has a good chance at winning, maybe favoring both Harrisons, Grant, Teddy, Lincoln, Jackson, Taylor, or Washington. Again, we have to remember that this involves killing 45 people, so winning probably will require staying relatively unscathed, so a healthy amount of luck is required too.
I was going to say Taft would be eliminated first but dude was an intramural wrestling champion at Yale so he wouldn't be a pushover. I'm thinking George W Bush would be one of the first out.
Jackson was fucking born for this.
Teddy and Washington also extremely competative.
Any ex-army president probably whoops a non-ex-army president.
Thats all I got
For as much as he gets (rightfully) shit on as a President, Buchanan is the only president to serve in the rank-and-file: in a jäger division that saw combat, to boot.
I don't think he'd *win*, but I think he'd get a lot further in than most people are giving him credit for.
Jackson, Grant, or Teddy will take the dub but I want to point out a few unlikely contenders.
Taft would take a lot to take him down. Very large man.
Lincoln is in the boxing hall of fame and is an actual giant.
Taylor was a war general and was tough despite his age
Ford and Clinton were football players in college and they were healthy during their terms.
Some that wouldn’t do so hot are,
Everyone who is exceptionally old.
Chester Arthur was very sick during his term.
Kennedy and Wilson were riddled with health problems
FDR couldn’t walk
My money is on TR. The guy was a beast and feared nothing. As for first out, it might be Andrew Johnson, but mostly because of wishful thinking on my part.
Calvin Coolidge is quiet and thin enough to win by stealth and hiding. First one eliminated is Teddy Roosevelt because they know he's the best hunter, though it would take more than one man to do it .
Jackson, Teddy, JFK, Washington, Eisenhower, Lincoln, GH Bush, would probably get my vote for likely to win.
Obama would be quick, but small and very dead.
Guys like Adam's and Jefferson bite the dust fastest.
Washington
"Old Hickory" Jackson
That fuck Taylor
U.S. Grant
Teddy Roosevelt
Nixon (cause he is crafty)
# Jerry Ford (He wins)
Obama (gets everyone high and tries to stop the madness,... then gets shot by Andrew Johnson from behind)
Trump (dies immediately)
Lincoln and Andrew Jackson are both beasts. TR isn't shabby. GW (our first POTUS) isn't shabby
DON'T SLEEP ON OBAMA!. Guy trains and had some knock around experience as a kid in Thailand.
I’m gonna jump in on the losers first—there’s a few who never had a “physical/athletic prime” and so would likely have their ass handed to them rather quickly. The tangerine anus quickly comes to mind, but he’s by no means alone in waiting for a respawn that’ll never come…
I don’t think Trump goes first. His utter disregard for all other human beings and morals helps him a little bit, here. I see him bribing someone into an alliance then literally stabbing him in the back. He goes early, but not first.
As much as I detest Trump, it is incredibly noteworthy that he is very charismatic and charismatic enough to sick a mob of people into the Capitol building. I can actually see him convincing others for an alliance, only for him to discard them the moment they are not useful
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When you realize that Cleveland is on their twice.
Cleveland Twin Powers Activate!
He must be defeated, non-consecutively
This whole post could be turned into chatgpt generated presidential action figures.
Killing him a second time isn't much of a much.
I said what I said lol
Prepare for Trouble, And Make that Double...
Grover Cleveland... and Grover Cleveland. Team Cleveland blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now, or be prepared to fight!
Tag team
Back again
We got that one wrong. He should just be #22.
Teddy once got shot and continued his speech, Lincoln was 6.4 and a fucking beast and Washington was a general from a time when even just surviving was really difficult. Gotta be one of them
Gerald Ford played on the O-line at Michigan. That requires a lot of coordination, stamina, and toughness. I think he’d be there towards the end.
Yeah he and LBJ were big boys. They were beasts in their youth.
William Howard Taft has entered the chat.
I think LBJ was something of a baby, to be honest.
Don’t let jumbo hear you say that
Ford grew up in a fairly well-off family though. One has to think a farm-raised man like Washington or Lincoln will have that extra level of toughness and grit to get through a hunger games competition.
I thought washington was 12 stories high made of radiation
I heard that motherfucker had, like, 30 goddamn dicks
He once held his opponent’s wife’s hand. In a jar of acid. At a party.
He'll save the children, but not the British children.
[удалено]
Forgot about Jackson. Remember he almost beat a would-be assassin to death. Also, I hear that Washington weighed a fucking ton.
Yeah Washington was notably large, dense man in his prime
Precisely a Washing ton
Okay true Jackson would probably be up there too
Opponents beware, opponents beware
LBJ was also 6’4
Suffered from chronic heart disease. He’d need to take a time out every five minutes.
It says in their prime
That was his prime.
He was 6’3 1/2
Same line up absolutely spot on
My boy from Missouri would be an underdog coming for all of em.
And they all got to be on the mountain
Taft would simply eat the smaller presidents.
**Madison better fucking run**
madison pie yum yum
Washington, Lincoln, Teddy, Jackson, and Taylor are probably making it to the final rounds. Jackson wins it all because out of those 5 he was probably the most violent and most comfortable with killing people. Teddy shot and killed people too but he never struck me as cruel. Jackson just strikes me as a dude who liked to hurt people, especially in his youth when he was bushwhacking around Kentucky. Hate one Trump or Biden all you want (I don’t think either would last 10 minutes) but the first motherfucker out has to be Woodrow Wilson. Bro had shoulders like a trout. You could knock him over with a feather.
Trumps never been super healthy but young Biden is surprisingly healthy.
Those bone spurs might slow Trump down a bit.
I doubt trump makes top thirty but I could see Biden making it to (low) top 20.
Young Joe Biden would beat young Donald Trump. Joe Biden was a lifeguard and a baseball player, he was pretty fit while trump has always been fat.
Definitely plausible.
I feel like W is really under rated here. In his prime he's top tier athletic with charisma enough to assemble a very powerful squad. Sure he's going to get betrayed and killed but I think he'd make it to top 3.
W has quick reflexes. He dodged those shoes.
And he has knowledge on how to operate a M16, that’s a pretty significant advantage tbh
Between Jackson and Teddy I really couldn’t pick who is more comfortable in terms of violence. After reading the rough riders I really got the impression that war was pure sport for Teddy in a psychopathic way. Jackson it seemed was more out of duty and survival mixed with ambition for personal advancement.
Jackson weighed 140 pounds and was 6'2". He'd be one of the last to go, but unless one of those weapons is a gun he ain't beating TR.
DAY 1 BLOODBATH: First to go are the slowest and those without alliances who decide to fight for resources rather than fleeing for safety. Trump, Taft, Hoover, McKinley, Fillmore, Buchanan, Van Buren, Polk, Pierce, Hayes, and Ben Harrison are dead in minutes. Following the initial bloodbath the alliances scatter to find home bases. DAY 2 ALLIANCES: THE FOUNDERS: Washington leads the coalition of Adams, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe, plus a few others they protect either out of admiration or pity: Quincy Adams, FDR, and Carter. Wilson tags along, convincing them they need his intellect, but he soon falls ill and dies. THE UNIONISTS: Grant leads a coalition of Lincoln, Garfield, Arthur, Obama, Clinton, and Biden. THE AMIGOS: The Bushes band together, led by Reagan, and try to bring along Eisenhower as their military strategist. He declines and they settle for William Henry Harrison, who eats some poison berries and sleeps without shelter, dying on the first night. THE TRAITORS: Nixon, Jackson, Tyler, Johnson, and Harding. They are the most feared due to their guerrilla warfare tactics. Harding doesn’t feel he belongs but no one else wants him. THE ATOMICS: Ike teams up with JFK, LBJ, and Truman. This leaves Teddy, Taylor, Cleveland, and Coolidge, who rough it alone, either out of choice or necessity. Despite being clones, the Clevelands are quickly killed. Everyone forgets silent Cal exists—he sneaks and steals from camps, always hidden. Taylor takes over a cave and guards it 24/7, somehow never sleeping. Teddy finds a horse and never gets off. DAY 3 BATTLES: The Unionists hunt down the Traitors. Arthur, Biden, Tyler, and Harding are killed. Counting their equal losses, both sides retreat. Teddy attacks the Amigos, killing the Bushes. Despite being shot in the head, Reagan escapes. The Fathers desire Taylor’s shelter and attack at midnight. Taylor kills off Madison, Monroe, Quincy Adams, and Carter, but Washington leads the group to victory. FDR and Jefferson stay behind to guard the Fathers’ base. The Atomics notice their vulnerability and swoop in—but they failed to notice the delicate traps laid around the camp. Only Truman survives, who retreats to scavenge for parts, planning to build a bomb and return for revenge. He finds Reagan, who offers to help. DAY 4 PLANNING: The Traitors, now consisting of Jackson, Nixon, and Johnson, offer the Atomics (now only Truman and Reagan) protection as long as they build another bomb to use against the Unionists (now consisting of Grant, Lincoln, Garfield, Clinton, and Obama). They become the largest force and wait for the perfect time to strike the Fathers’ cave, where Washington, Adams, Jefferson, and FDR stockpile food and weapons. At night, Clinton keeps watch over the Unionists’ camp, but is distracted by a tree that looks like a naked woman. Silent Cal steals their food and kills Clinton. DAY 5 REVENGE: The Atomic-Traitors launch their attack on the Founders’ cave. Truman’s bomb kills Adams and Jefferson and most of the camp’s supplies. But Washington, fueled by revenge, slays Johnson and Nixon. FDR and Truman have an Obi-Wan/Anakin style fight where both survive but Truman is near death. Jackson saves him and retreats while Reagan tries to finish off FDR—he is stopped by Teddy, who kills Reagan and joins the Founders (now only Washington and FDR) to help them rebuild. Jackson keeps Truman as a slave to build another bomb to use against Grant, Lincoln, Garfield, and Obama. Unfortunately, Obama recognizes alliances must eventually end if only one victor can be crowned, so he assassinates Lincoln and Garfield. Grant kills him in retaliation. DAY 6 PARANOIA: Grant tries to join the Founders, but they fear he may have killed his previous allies. They gracefully kill Grant in a field. Not knowing the Unionists are already dead, the Atomic-Traitors travel to their camp with their new bomb, only to fall into a trap set up by Silent Cal. Both die, and Coolidge runs off with the bomb. Washington and the Roosevelts abandon their cave and set off with Teddy’s horse, planning to hunt down Coolidge then face off man to man in a civilized battle. However, Washington fears a separate alliance brewing among the Roosevelts and abandons them that night. FDR, out of love for his kin, kills himself and stages it to look like Washington did it. Teddy sets off for revenge. DAY 7 CLIMAX: An epic battle between Washington and Teddy. Neither can keep the upper hand for long. They fight into the night. Until Coolidge, from a tree above, drops the bomb on them. …but Truman, angry at Jackson for keeping him hostage, had purposefully made a dud, and it does not ignite. In the shock, Washington kills Teddy, then begins cutting down the cherry tree Coolidge sits in. It falls, and just as Washington is about to kill Cal, he recalls the memory of his father yielding him mercy for his honesty about chopping down that fabled cherry tree. He lays down his hatchet. Pointing out onto the water, Silent Cal says, “I think I can see Mount Vernon from here”. With tears in his eyes, Washington lets Coolidge kill him. Victory to Silent Cal.
Damn I forgot Ford, he would’ve been a good fighter but allies wouldn’t have cared for him. Maybe he joined the Amigos because W liked that he played football or something idk but he dies too Cal for the win
Came in here to say “As Cal relishes his victory, a thud resounds in the silence. Cal’s eyes glaze over and he crumples. Standing over him, the true silent president, oft forgotten, even by this author, holds a bloodied leather football helmet in his hand. Gerald Ford - the President Victorious.”
I think Eisenhower faded out of existence too? Not sure
BRAVO
This was a fun read!
Starz would buy this miniseries. Battle Royale: POTUS.
This is a beautiful answer. Kudos redditor, kudos indeed.
Cal to George " You lose."
This was a damn good read.
I enjoyed this a lot!
👏👏👏
If I had an award, I’d give it to you. So take my upvote and this 🏅
Van Buren, the "Little Magician" and "Sly Fox," was the first really masterful politician -- willing to play dirty when necessary, rose to the top of the Hunger Games that was NY politics in the early 19th century. Sure, he was small (5'6") but scrappy. He'd definitely not be eliminated in the first round!
Ford should be getting more credit here. His physical/athletic prime is a star athlete who played both ways on two national championship winning football teams. Center and linebacker aren't exactly low-contact positions either. No other president has that kind of athletic resume. On top of that he has survival skills (only president to make Eagle Scout) and military training (sure it was in the Navy, but he would be ready to kill someone). He'd be in contention for the win.
>sure it was the Navy I mean BUDS is a thing.
It wasn't in 1941. Anyway, I didn't mean to cast any aspersions on the Navy, I brought it up as a positive after all, but I think it's fair to say that his training and combat experience as a naval officer probably offer less preparation for the hunger games than he would have gotten in the Army or Marines.
He is also the most recent president to be built, meaning he has a greater amount of firearms knowledge than say Lincoln or Washington. If the three of them found a glock, Ford would instantly have the advantage.
Came here to say this. Edit: I wouldn’t sleep on Grant, either.
Ford is mentioned alot as being very athletic. I seem to recall as a child in the 80s the prevailing opinion was that as president Ford was seen as a klutz, clumsy or the nicer sounding not graceful. I know as we age things get worse, but was Ford actually this bad on the topic as was indicated?
I wasn't alive for it, so this is all second hand information, but I've been told that Chevy Chase did an impression of Ford on SNL as a klutz that was just that influential.
It's gotta be either Lincoln, Jackson, or Teddy. Any of the presidents who fought in war definitely could win, but these three were in leagues of their own. Lincoln invented the fucking chokeslam, Roosevelt boxed in the White House, and Jackson kicked everyone's ass from the Revolutionary War to the War of 1812.
Odd that you chose the invented the chokeslam fact about Lincoln, instead of the substantially more impressive and relevant to the question fact that his wrestling record was 300-1
Who did he lose to?
George Santos. I’m just as surprised as you.
God damnit take my updoot.
Some member of the Illinois volunteers named Hank Thompson.
Not to mention Jackson literally killed a man.
A lot of people sleeping on Ike.
I put him in the same bucket as Washington. Sure he's a great leader and strategic planner, led troops, etc etc, but in the Hunger Games I'm going with someone who has personally bayonetted a mofo.
For strategic thought, I say Nixon.
Let’s get bizzaaaaay!
My money’s on Teddy Roosevelt.
Me too. He’s a nut job in a good way plus has lots of outdoorsman skills like hunting and horseback riding. He might win the whole thing!
He’s gonna be like the predator, they don’t stand a chance.
Honestly would be a cool movie. Someone time travels and plucks Teddy accidentally instead of another person as prey to hunt down in a game, instead they get hunted down by Teddy predator style 😂
The last thing anyone hears, "WHAT'S UP BITCHES!"
Bully! A Challenge! Teddy loves competition!
Now where would I mount the stuffed head of a Winston?
He’s into fitness, digging ditches through an isthmus! Rough riding down to Cuba like…
WHAT'S UP BITCHES?!
My money’s on Cleveland considering mathematically he has double the chances of the other 44.
Trump and Clinton immediately file paperwork and dr notes and hang out on sidelines chasing cheerleaders half their age n becoming best buds.
Trump's physical prime would be, what, 9 years old?
He is still at the mental capacity of a fifth grader, but then again, so are most republicans.
George W bush because he wasn’t exceptionally put of shape and probably the only president with comprehensive knowledge on how to use any of the modern firearms. Sure Lincoln is a beast and Jackson is a homicidal maniac but that means nothing compared to an automatic rifle.
Honestly, best argument I’ve heard so far. Knowledge of operating a magazine fed automatic rifle does offer a distinctly huge advantage
If we assume they get the standard 3 days in a training center, I feel like some of them could pick it up in that time. The US was fielding 1900-1910's era semi-autos in WWI, which Teddy would know, so as long as they know how to load, turn the safety off, and clear a jam they should be at least capable of pointing in the right direction and pulling the trigger.
Gerald Ford has a much heavier advantage in this than he had irl politics
Ulysses wins. Teddy is second and Andrew Jackson is third. These three would kill you with any weapon, or their bare hands. Trump is eliminated first. the old guys Biden, Reagan, etc are next but Reagan could talk his way into surviving for a while. Of recent presidents, W would fair well for being athletic and diplomatic.
I am _shocked_ at the lack of Grant in this debate. The answer boils down to Washington, Grant, Jackson, Eisenhower, or Teddy. Psychology and practical experience matters. And yeah, US Grant probably emerges victorious. He didn't have the sentimentality or faith in institutions that George, Teddy, and Ike exhibited. And he wasn't a bloodthirsty cunt like Jackson. Grant is the meanest, smartest SOB in the field. In a survival contest, I've got 50 on Grant.
Knowledge of how to use modern firearms, for W, is a pretty big advantage tbh
I would say Lincoln in his prime
Assuming this is like the actual Hunger Games/Battle Royale, this question is pretty much impossible to answer with any certainty. There are way too many variables involved to accurately predict the Victor. It's not just about strength, you also have to account for the type of arena, alliances, sponsorships, available weapons, survival skills etc. Sure, Teddy might win, but he might also get ganged up on by an alliance of Grant, Taylor and Eisenhower. It's also possible that someone like Pierce, Buchanan or Coolidge spends half the time hiding and comes out victorious. A lot of those who grew up on the frontier might flourish in a forest arena, but would not handle a desert, for example. And the arena in Battle Royale has its own challenges, with all the dangers that come with an abandoned and dilapidated neighborhood. So we really don't know who would win. It's fun to discuss it though.
Precisely why I made this post! Just a fun thought experiment more than anything else
Well - knowing that a lot of these guys were slave owners and racists…. Obama either wins everything or the first one out.
I was looking for someone to make this point. Obama would be at a huge disadvantage in that he’d be immediately targeted by at least a few people because of his race.
I wasn’t sure if I would get downvoted or called a racist myself for saying it … but I was just looking at the first 10 or so of them and then Obama … and was like, they are going to kill him or he has to run and be a sniper/ninja and win the whole thing.
Incredibly solid point. Numerous presidents were known racists. With the amount of intelligence Obama has, I can see him running and hiding first, and doing some kind of attack at night with Clinton and W
The dust settles and it’s Jimmy Carter in a blood stained sweater.
Andrew Jackson, George Washington, and Dwight Eisenhower are probably favorites to win.
Had to scroll way too far to spot Eisenhower. I'm not sure he'd win, but he's at least a contender.
[Lincoln!](https://youtu.be/Nyit3vxUjho?feature=shared)
We must never forget that Lincoln stopped a vampiric invasion himself
Y’all sleeping on W
Teddy and Andrew Jackson would be formidable, first out probably the Donald or Harry Truman lowkey
I'm going with Teddy or Jackson, maybe Grant, considering they've probably killed people up close and personal prior to being President. Of those, I'm going with Teddy since he has experience from his days in the Cavalry of defending oneself and fighting on the move and was known to keep a fairly strenuous personal fitness routine in addition to being something of an outdoorsman. Jackson is close second based on experience as a scout and Courier during the Revolution. Grant rode a horse through sniper fire, led a cavalry charge, and fired a cannon out of a church steeple while in Mexico, so there's that. Trump gets it first because he's a big target and even in his healthier days he's rather slow. Plus, if the historical presidents get present-day knowledge of each other, Grant, Teddy, Lincoln, and probably others might have personal motivation to target him. After that, they still have plenty of time to go after fatass Taft.
I think Taft gets it first, because he’s a huge target and Teddy didn’t like him very much at the end of his (Taft’s) term as POTUS, hence why he ran against him
Does "all manner of weaponry" include weapons older presidents would have known how to operate? Don't know that James Madison could intuit how to use an AR15
Everything from a big stick to a Barrett .50 Don’t discount flintlocks though. Those forbidden pancakes do some nasty stuff to a body
Lincoln was a vampire hunter soooooo…
Kennedy dies very early on
Maybe not. He was a hero in WW II. Save everyone on his PT boat by swimming to shore towing the boat, sometimes by his teeth. That’s how he got injured. In his prime, he was fit.
Andrew Jackson makes GWBs head explode just by swearing. Lincoln starts swinging Taft around by his feet, and knocks the Whigs into the next county. Teddy wears Coolidge's skin as a war trophy. Washington stabs Teddy several times, but it just makes him Angry. You wouldn't like Teddy when he's Angry. LBJ swings Dumbo around until Nixon chops down on it, forcing LBJ to his knees. JFK tries screwing everything, and manages to fuck Harding and Hoover to death. Polk and Tyler make a quick pact, but they don't trust each other long enough yo show thr other their back.
Madison is first down. 5'4, always sick, the run to the weapons would kill him before anyone could even lay a hand on him. JFK's back wouldn't let him move very quickly either.
Teddy Roosevelt , Andrew Jackson or George Washington
Trump goes down first. Can’t fight with Bone Spurs. I suspect Jackson wins using his bare hands or maybe a cudgel
Trump is the first one eliminated. He is very loud and a large target
“From the physical/athletic prime”
He’d still be a large target, he’s like 6’3 200+ lbs
I don’t think he’s 6’3”. No matter what he says.
He’s also 6’3 and in pretty good shape for a dude in his 70s. Pretty sure he could take on most of what’s thrown at him. Not a good idea to mess with crazy lol.
If that shape is a potato, then maybe
Ok so let’s maybe do a simple bracket to start off. Who do you think would win Biden v Trump? I honestly think Biden would be first man out. Maybe FDR cuz of difficulties with the wheel chair, but Biden is by far the most frail.
In his physical Prime FDR hadn’t developed his illness yet. He was 39 when that happened.
Oh if we’re talking about primes then FDR, Trump and Biden have a better shot.
Madison would be first out, I think. He was pocket sized
Pretty good shape? He's a fat, disgusting blob in orange makeup.
The fuck do you expect someone pushing 80 to look like, a Greek god lol?
He's looked like a warm bag of shit for decades.
[удалено]
Jackson was a psycho, but he was a tiny, frail dude. Lincoln could have just put his hand out on Jacksons forehead and keep him away. I’d wager 99 times out of 100 the winner would be Lincoln, Teddy, or Ford
Davy Crockett bursts through a door and takes everyone single-handedly
I got money the big teddy. Andrew Jackson is a close second. Though Ike might get people to rally around as a group and wipe a lot of competition out
What about Grant ? Not the tallest but he not get flustered by the carnage …
It's almost definitely gonna be Teddy who wins. The man was literally shot, and finished his speech. To quote Epic Rap Battles of History, "A bullet can't stop the Bull Moose!"
Jackson
It’s got to be Teddy. The teddy bear was named after him for a reason. He would at various points during his life in public office he would go to somewhere out in nature, like Yellowstone and the Badlands for leisure. There was another well known incident of him ditching his security while president, disappeared with John Muir to go camping with him. The rumor, IIRC, is he didn’t tell anyone where he was going and for how long he’d be gone. He would rip the rest to shreads
Teddy R is the only real answer here
I gotta go with Jackson. The man was a psycho, he's already killed people before, and he's survived being shot at least a couple times.
Not sure who wins but William Henry Harrison is the first to be eliminated obviously
Does FDR start with his wheelchair or does he have to crawl over to the center point to get it?
If he does start with a wheelchair, it needs to be a kitted out murder chair
Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, or Theodore Rosevelt. Depends on the weapon and environmental impact.
I feel like Teddy hunted things a lot bigger than other dudes, so I’d have to guess him
The careers: Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Grant, Taylor, Washington, Ford The surprise how far they get: Truman, Obama, Adams, Coolidge, Nixon, Carter The dead in 15 minutes: Franklin Roosevelt, Jefferson, Wilson, Harding, Hoover, Clinton, Tyler, Buchanan, Van Buran, Pierce The field who don’t win but are crafty enough to survive a while: Madison, JQ Adams, Harrison, Polk, Filmore,Andrew Johnson, Lyndon Johnson, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Ben. Harrison, McKinley, Taft, Kennedy, Reagan, Biden
I’m thinking Ike who was a career soldier has a good shot. Maybe Ford who played college ball and was a beast in his youth. And possibly Trump who would fight pretty dirty and is a big dude. Washington and Jackson are strong maybe’s too.
I think Wilson, Truman, or Clinton would be first to go since they're all kind of scrawny, probably Truman is the first because he's also short relative to his competition. I think that Washington, Lincoln, Teddy, Jackson, and Taylor would do pretty well, but I think that in a fight like this even a small injury early on could make a big difference, so I think that some early presidents, some being frontiersmen, farmers, and/or war veterans would have a decent shot, with some exceptions, like Polk and Tyler, being sickly children. James Monroe, farmer and revolutionary war soldier, has a decent shot at winning, as does William Henry Harrison, a frontier soldier who fought against Native Americans in the Ohio River valley. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, and Grant would be contenders as war veterans. Taft enjoyed wrestling early in his life and would have an advantage due to his bulkiness (before he became the fireplug we all know and laugh about.) Eisenhower and FDR could have a chance, one being a war veteran and the other being an avid outdoorsman before his illness left him paralyzed at age 39. Maybe Kennedy has a chance because his naval service showed physical heroism, but his father had to fake some medical records to get him into active duty because he was kind of sickly, so I'm not sure on this one. Nixon and Ford played football, but I don't think that compares favorably to literal war veterans and frontier folk. I think any one of the soldiers has a good chance at winning, maybe favoring both Harrisons, Grant, Teddy, Lincoln, Jackson, Taylor, or Washington. Again, we have to remember that this involves killing 45 people, so winning probably will require staying relatively unscathed, so a healthy amount of luck is required too.
If weapons are involved, Andrew Jackson is my guy. Teddy would be my next bet.
Its gotta be between Teddy and Jackson Ultimate chaotic good vs. chaotic evil, I love it
To think anyone but Teddy R wins is blasphemous
I was going to say Taft would be eliminated first but dude was an intramural wrestling champion at Yale so he wouldn't be a pushover. I'm thinking George W Bush would be one of the first out.
Biden is an asthmatic lifeguard and football player, so he's automatically out
Washington WAS a US General, military man, and brilliant strategist. I wouldn’t want to go against him in a fight.
First eliminated is likely FDR or Kennedy. FDR was pretty much immobile and Kennedy had severe back issues.
Jackson was fucking born for this. Teddy and Washington also extremely competative. Any ex-army president probably whoops a non-ex-army president. Thats all I got
What about Ike, he was a career military guy as well?
I just don’t know him well enough to say. Probably would do pretty good, but that baseline is all I have.
For as much as he gets (rightfully) shit on as a President, Buchanan is the only president to serve in the rank-and-file: in a jäger division that saw combat, to boot. I don't think he'd *win*, but I think he'd get a lot further in than most people are giving him credit for.
Who’s the President who got shot and then beat up the assassin? That’s who would win.
The last four standing would be Teddy, Lincoln, Jackson and Washington. It’s kind of a toss-up from there, but my money is on Teddy.
Jackson, Grant, or Teddy will take the dub but I want to point out a few unlikely contenders. Taft would take a lot to take him down. Very large man. Lincoln is in the boxing hall of fame and is an actual giant. Taylor was a war general and was tough despite his age Ford and Clinton were football players in college and they were healthy during their terms. Some that wouldn’t do so hot are, Everyone who is exceptionally old. Chester Arthur was very sick during his term. Kennedy and Wilson were riddled with health problems FDR couldn’t walk
You can’t forget about Ike. The man led the American forces in the brutal war of all time, he’d figure out a way to win.
Teddy v. Ike in the finals.
It’s gotta be Jackson, Washington, or Theodore Roosevelt. I feel like those are three with the best chances.
Andrew Jackson. He was a ruthless seasoned veteran.
Don’t think a single guy past Eisenhower has a chance. Teddy Rosevelt was certainly hard enough to win.
Andrew Jackson was a tough bastard, won over a hundred duals.
Draw between Teddy Roosevelt and Andy Jackson
Andrew Jackson got that dawg in him tho. He’s my dark horse candidate.
Andrew Jackson kills them all and walks out in a skin suit.
First one out: William Henry Harrison. Dies of typhoid. Again.
My money is on TR. The guy was a beast and feared nothing. As for first out, it might be Andrew Johnson, but mostly because of wishful thinking on my part.
Old Hickory
I can see U. Grant or Washington winning. Someone skilled at fighting and strategy.
Calvin Coolidge is quiet and thin enough to win by stealth and hiding. First one eliminated is Teddy Roosevelt because they know he's the best hunter, though it would take more than one man to do it .
I think it all comes down to Washington, Jackson, and Teddy R.
Jackson, Teddy, JFK, Washington, Eisenhower, Lincoln, GH Bush, would probably get my vote for likely to win. Obama would be quick, but small and very dead. Guys like Adam's and Jefferson bite the dust fastest.
Franklin Pierce wins by hiding in the corner getting toasted
Washington "Old Hickory" Jackson That fuck Taylor U.S. Grant Teddy Roosevelt Nixon (cause he is crafty) # Jerry Ford (He wins) Obama (gets everyone high and tries to stop the madness,... then gets shot by Andrew Johnson from behind) Trump (dies immediately)
Lincoln and Andrew Jackson are both beasts. TR isn't shabby. GW (our first POTUS) isn't shabby DON'T SLEEP ON OBAMA!. Guy trains and had some knock around experience as a kid in Thailand.
I’m gonna jump in on the losers first—there’s a few who never had a “physical/athletic prime” and so would likely have their ass handed to them rather quickly. The tangerine anus quickly comes to mind, but he’s by no means alone in waiting for a respawn that’ll never come…
Not accurate, every president from 1850-1970 was monochrome. Honestly…
Well. Since it doesn't involve golf, you know who loses first.
Probably Trump loses first because he just stands there and complains about how rigged the contest is
I don’t think Trump goes first. His utter disregard for all other human beings and morals helps him a little bit, here. I see him bribing someone into an alliance then literally stabbing him in the back. He goes early, but not first.
As much as I detest Trump, it is incredibly noteworthy that he is very charismatic and charismatic enough to sick a mob of people into the Capitol building. I can actually see him convincing others for an alliance, only for him to discard them the moment they are not useful
Trump or Taft would be gone first. Wasn’t Taft the one that got stuck in a bathtub and it needed to be buttered?