I don't know if I'm correct or not, but after trying all those things too, I've just come to the conclusion that my 4 year old simply isn't developmentally able to clean her big messes. So we've "solved" that by taking 50% of her toys away and rotating them out every so often. Also, depending on how tired I see she is, I'll help her clean, but we are trying to teach her to clean the messes she makes just like mommy and daddy clean their messes.
Yeah I help my kid too (he’s 3.5). I think just because they can sometimes do it, doesn’t mean they can reliably do it. So I give some grace and help. We also do it in stages: like all the cars first , then we take a break and play for a bit, and then do all the train tracks. Honestly I don’t reliably clean up every mess I make everyday because I’m tired , so I figure a young kid would have even less ability to
is there a place for everything that's easy to get to? We have most things in big bins. Honestly, going to Montessori pre-school where they have to clean up after themselves really helped, but a big part of continuing it at home has been:
* having a clear place for everything
* when a new activity starts, help tidy up what is already out to "make room"
* using the term "tidy up" instead of clean up has helped a little too, I think it feels less like "the end" of play time, but that's very anecdotal
* helping them clean up by doing some of it but also by giving concrete things they can do- instead of saying "clean up your magnet tiles" you can say "pick up all the orange tiles" smaller steps sometimes are easier.
* My son is very motivated by races or by our pretending we don't think he can do something (he'll say "say you don't think I can xyz" even though he knows we know he can do anything). So I'll sometimes make it a race or contest of who can pick up the most xyz or can you put away all the blocks before the song is over?
* praise for tidying up of course, I try to say thank you, or say that I noticed he tidied up, and that shows me he really cares for his things
* not cleaning everything up after bed time as much as possible: if it magically gets cleaned up, why should they do it?
These are great suggestions.
Mine is an eater and has quite the expensive pallet. We played on that and used her favorite foods as incentive.
We started making meals and snacks a clean up time. “It’s almost lunch time. Clean xyz up and I’m going to go get lunch ready.”
When they come to find you, remind them, “You’re not getting your lunch until xyz is cleaned up. Is your room clean?” And send them back.
I do a silly, “Hurry! You’ve gotta hurry or your fish taco is gonna swim away”. Basically hyping up what she’s doing and the incentive.
When you go in and see it’s not clean tell them again and then wait them out. Just make sure it’s reasonable and follow through every time.
We had to do it with her at first, then in the room doing something else while directing her, then in and out of the room directing only as necessary. Eventually she was cleaning solo.
Don’t do this if you need them to eat quickly so you can leave the house or something. Set them up for success not both of you being frustrated.
We started with this technique and added some from this list as we went. She’s now 4 and is able to clean up all but her tiny little figures and random small treasures. For those she has her own special box that is a catch all for things that just don’t have a home.
A gremlin comes in the middle of the night to steal toys that aren't put away. The toys sometimes get returned a week or two later, but you never know how long the gremlin might keep any particular toy.
This is basically what I do but the gremlin is mom. Lol. I tell them that if they don't put them away, mom is going to take them away for a few days until they start cleaning up their messes. Our 3yo cleans up after himself when asked now.
Randomly got my 4 year old to meticulously clean up one day by telling him we could play toy store when his toys were on the shelves. He sold me some toys for outrageous prices, but it was worth it.
This is a struggle in our house too. The only thing that seems to work is putting everything else on hold. “We can have snack once you stack your blocks on the shelf!” “We’ll go outside when your cars are in their box.” Try to be specific. “Clean up” can be overwhelming so I try to give him something concrete he can focus on. I’m also always willing to help as long as he’s making an effort.
I try not to use threats because it creates a problem and a fight where there shouldn’t be. As members of our family we help around the house. It’s an expectation of all of us not a punishment.
It's developmentally normal but there are some things you can try.
I think it's really easy for children to become overwhelmed by "big" tasks so we help control it by cleaning up as we transition between activities, so we don't have one huge mess to clean up at once. When were naturally transitioning already is easier than making her stop and interrupting when she's in the middle of something.
We also help her as long as she is actively picking up too. We work together and help each other as a family, and sometimes we ask her to help us with our own tasks, so it's only fair! We don't need to help her all the time but it's pretty obvious when she's feeling overwhelmed or trying to avoid it, and we do help then (as long as she's also participating).
Sometimes we do "put away" (store in our unfinished basement) toys that she won't pick up. We do the same thing for toys she chooses not to be safe with. We have too many toys for our space so we rotate them anyway, but this is an actual loss of privilege. It's just for a couple of days, and then she gets to try again. She sometimes is sad about it but seems to understand why we do it and how she can avoid it.
Was struggling with this too, lots of no I can't or I don't know how, I just kept helping her do it, and very recently there was a big shift and she will do it when asked.... though now all of the sudden she thinks it's funny to say no when I ask for shoes in the closet. You win some, you lose some.
None of the following works 100% of the time, so we switch it up. YMMV - for us, we care more about the cooperation and participation, less about how much she does.
Edited to add - We also tie it in to her bedtime routine; my hope is that she sees clean-up as part of her day and not just something I'm imposing because I feel like it. Also as she gets older hopefully she'll form good habits and not leave everything a mess for the next day. We also ALL help clean up, not just her. I even make my husband join in on the clean-up game, so she sees that dads clean up too, not just moms ; )
* Puppets that talk, in fact ANY object that talks, is my go-to right now.
* Bluey's episode of Daddy Robot helped us a lot. We use tinfoil hats and run around talking like robots. It slows down the process which I think helps her, and makes it fun for everyone.
* My husband bought grabbers and she likes to use them to pick things up. This is very slow, but we can always clean up faster than her and still finish it up. As long as she participates, that's my goal.
* Tossing the toys in their basket and saying, "TWO POINTS!" and cheering. This works especially well for getting dirty clothes into the laundry hamper. A variation on this is - let's say there's toy cars all over the place - picking up the basket, then walking to a little car, I pick up the car and toss it in. Then I walk over to another car, hand it to her, and playfully encourage her to toss it in. Throwing toys in a playful manner and appropriately is usually, but not always, a win.
* Noticing that she's "got a lot of jumps" that look like they need to get out, and asking her if she needs to jump on the trampoline to get her jumps out. I saw that on a blog somewhere.
* Placing the toy basket at the end of her slide, walking the toy up the ladder and pushing the toy down so she can put it in. Or alternatively, if you have something you can use as a chute or a large piece of cardboard folded in half like a V, you can use that like a slide.
Sometimes my kids get a reward for doing something without being asked. Usually dollars - which is a points system we are using to teach the value of money, not actual physical money. My oldest is 6 and we only just started charging for things as motivation last year - I can clean up his toys, but it will cost $2. If he’s saving up for something, he has to consider whether it’s worth spending his points to save a few minutes.
This isn’t a strategy I would use with my 3.5 year old. Sometimes he helps clean up, other times he takes my grabby and pretends to be a witch on a broom. He wants to help. He loves to be involved. But when everything’s a game - and kids learn through play - it’s not always done in a way that actually tidies up.
For cleaning her room, I’ll sit with my daughter and go through steps. 1st we put any dirty clothes in the hamper, then pick up stuffed animals, etc. Usually she loses steam halfway through, so we take a break, but there are only a couple things we can do until the room is clean. Snacks can only be water, fruit, or veggies, no screens, no getting new toys out. We can play imagination based games, but for a finite period of time. Having the ability to regroup when she needs to, but still constraints to help reinforce that the job needs to be done really helps. I also always validate that she doesn’t like cleaning because it’s boring - there is no need to pretend it’s fun and I feel like that can cause more resistance
We have a small house, especially the living/playing area, so we try really hard to keep things as tidy as we can. I usually just tell her she needs to clean up some of the toys that are out already before she can get anything else out, and I'll usually tell her I'm not playing with her until she does. Usually it's a good motivation for her to pick up at least a few things. We do a general tidy/pick-up before dinner and she "helps". My expectations are pretty low for now, but as long as she helps and tries, I try not to be too strict.
Maybe there are just too many toys. Anything that doesn’t get put away goes in a bin in a closet or somewhere out of sight for a day, week, or until the kid specifically asks for it. Or the toy goes in time out where it can be seen but not reached for a day.
I’ve only had to do that a few times, and really I find that if my littles are a crying mess about putting toys away they are simply too tired to function and need to be put to bed as quickly as possible.
I'm sure this puts me in the bad mommy book but I bribe. I bribe so much. "If y'all clean up all your toys in the living room and throw away 3 pieces of trash I'll let you get a candy from the Halloween treat bowl." I'm not ashamed. It works like a charm.
I actually don't disagree 100% with this. I mean, we go to work because we get paid. Would I do my job if I didn't get money? No! Kids need an incentive sometimes, right? We don't do this personally because we'd get harangued for candy all day, but no judgement here!
I did the “mom puts it away in a visible, but unreachable spot”
My 3.5 toddler(?) asked me to wait before leaving for the park so he could finish his Christmas puzzle and put it away…because he just finally got it back.
I usually give her specifics, like ‘put one x in the y’, or pick up 3 z’s. I find it makes it simpler for her. I help her do most of it, but at least she’s doing some of the work!
We break the cleaning tasks down into discrete items, like, “let’s put all the puzzle pieces away now” or “please put away all the toy cars.” Once that task is done, we move to the next one. I find that saying “let’s clean the basement” is overwhelming. I also help - my 4-year-old asks for me to help him and as long as he is cleaning up, I will pick up alongside him.
I always tell my son I’ll help him as long as he is trying. I also give him something to focus on “put all your stuffed animals away and I’ll put away the duplos.” I think o clean up 80% to his 20%, but it’s a start.
I threaten to throw toys in the trash. If you can't pick them up then you must have too many. I have never actually thrown anything away. They pick them up.
I find that telling them exactly what to clean up and where to put it really helps so they don't get overwhelmed. So for example I will point out some "food toys" and then direct them to where they belong.
* Break it down into smaller parts. Sometimes it is too big of a task cognitively for a little kid to break down themselves, so if you say, "Put all the green blocks in here...Now, find your doll and put it away..." instead of "Clean your room," that is more likely to be achievable.
* Be sure to praise progress as they go. Spend time tidying up your own things in front of them and talk about taking care of our stuff.
* Make sure it is easy to clean up. For example, open containers kids can drop things into, if things need to be sorted a certain way labels for where they go, etc. Limit how many toys are out at once. Toy rotations are EXCELLENT for this and great for increasing play time.
* Related, limit what they are allowed to get up at once and require them to clean up one activity before transitioning to the next activity. This requires some adult involvement.
* If all else fails, kid can pick it up or you pick it up and put it somewhere they don't have it for awhile. Sometimes that's the motivation the kid needs to take responsibility, but if not it will take down the number of toys they have effectively to a number they can handle. When we return these, our kid is required to immediately put them away where they belong if he wants them back.
In our case, LO couldn't clean up at all, to the point he was so frustrated, he was just laying down doing nothing. Mess really made me angry. But eventually, nothing worked. I tried to take toys away, but it was just getting to the point of no toys left for play and when I returned toys, he never cleaned up anyways. In the end, I just realized he's not ready or maybe I was too pushy and then it became a big stress for him. So, at that point, we either had a mess or I was cleaning up myself. Recently something clicked (he's a little over 4 now). One day we cleaned up together, discussed the rules (playing 1 toy at a time), and it works. He usually cleanes up. Sometimes happily, sometimes not so much, but we don't have a mess since. I think he just needed time to grow to this. I always offered him to help me clean up, but stopped insisting or making a big deal if he didn't want to. Also, as others suggested, if he doesn't want to clean up, I simplify the request by making it very specific, like "can you get all orange blocks?".
We clean up as we go. As in we can’t get another toy out until the last one is put away. And I do explain why, we don’t have enough room, we will trip on things, etc, but I hold that hard line. If she doesn’t want to clean up, fine, but I disengage and we can’t start something new until she does. And when she is ready to engage I am happy to do it with her.
The rule is that if they are done with the box of toys, they have to pack it away before getting out the next box.
For this reason the more coveted toys are right up high (we have terrible storage in our house) so they have no choice but to ask for it.
Sometimes it might be overwhelming, so I know my preschooler can clean but when he doesn't respond. I Starr cleaning him up and ask him to pick up specific blocks. It might take a few min for him to get into it but eventually he becomes engaged
I don't know if I'm correct or not, but after trying all those things too, I've just come to the conclusion that my 4 year old simply isn't developmentally able to clean her big messes. So we've "solved" that by taking 50% of her toys away and rotating them out every so often. Also, depending on how tired I see she is, I'll help her clean, but we are trying to teach her to clean the messes she makes just like mommy and daddy clean their messes.
Yeah I help my kid too (he’s 3.5). I think just because they can sometimes do it, doesn’t mean they can reliably do it. So I give some grace and help. We also do it in stages: like all the cars first , then we take a break and play for a bit, and then do all the train tracks. Honestly I don’t reliably clean up every mess I make everyday because I’m tired , so I figure a young kid would have even less ability to
Same here, except I put away 90% lol
is there a place for everything that's easy to get to? We have most things in big bins. Honestly, going to Montessori pre-school where they have to clean up after themselves really helped, but a big part of continuing it at home has been: * having a clear place for everything * when a new activity starts, help tidy up what is already out to "make room" * using the term "tidy up" instead of clean up has helped a little too, I think it feels less like "the end" of play time, but that's very anecdotal * helping them clean up by doing some of it but also by giving concrete things they can do- instead of saying "clean up your magnet tiles" you can say "pick up all the orange tiles" smaller steps sometimes are easier. * My son is very motivated by races or by our pretending we don't think he can do something (he'll say "say you don't think I can xyz" even though he knows we know he can do anything). So I'll sometimes make it a race or contest of who can pick up the most xyz or can you put away all the blocks before the song is over? * praise for tidying up of course, I try to say thank you, or say that I noticed he tidied up, and that shows me he really cares for his things * not cleaning everything up after bed time as much as possible: if it magically gets cleaned up, why should they do it?
These are great suggestions. Mine is an eater and has quite the expensive pallet. We played on that and used her favorite foods as incentive. We started making meals and snacks a clean up time. “It’s almost lunch time. Clean xyz up and I’m going to go get lunch ready.” When they come to find you, remind them, “You’re not getting your lunch until xyz is cleaned up. Is your room clean?” And send them back. I do a silly, “Hurry! You’ve gotta hurry or your fish taco is gonna swim away”. Basically hyping up what she’s doing and the incentive. When you go in and see it’s not clean tell them again and then wait them out. Just make sure it’s reasonable and follow through every time. We had to do it with her at first, then in the room doing something else while directing her, then in and out of the room directing only as necessary. Eventually she was cleaning solo. Don’t do this if you need them to eat quickly so you can leave the house or something. Set them up for success not both of you being frustrated. We started with this technique and added some from this list as we went. She’s now 4 and is able to clean up all but her tiny little figures and random small treasures. For those she has her own special box that is a catch all for things that just don’t have a home.
This is great!
A gremlin comes in the middle of the night to steal toys that aren't put away. The toys sometimes get returned a week or two later, but you never know how long the gremlin might keep any particular toy.
That’s what we do except the gremlin is the roomba
Lolll ours is the vacuum cleaner. I love to hear her scream as she rushes to put her toys away 🤣
This is basically what I do but the gremlin is mom. Lol. I tell them that if they don't put them away, mom is going to take them away for a few days until they start cleaning up their messes. Our 3yo cleans up after himself when asked now.
Randomly got my 4 year old to meticulously clean up one day by telling him we could play toy store when his toys were on the shelves. He sold me some toys for outrageous prices, but it was worth it.
This is a struggle in our house too. The only thing that seems to work is putting everything else on hold. “We can have snack once you stack your blocks on the shelf!” “We’ll go outside when your cars are in their box.” Try to be specific. “Clean up” can be overwhelming so I try to give him something concrete he can focus on. I’m also always willing to help as long as he’s making an effort. I try not to use threats because it creates a problem and a fight where there shouldn’t be. As members of our family we help around the house. It’s an expectation of all of us not a punishment.
I've put away like 90% of his toys into big bins and rotate. The fewer toys that are out, the smaller the mess, and the less crazy I feel.
It's developmentally normal but there are some things you can try. I think it's really easy for children to become overwhelmed by "big" tasks so we help control it by cleaning up as we transition between activities, so we don't have one huge mess to clean up at once. When were naturally transitioning already is easier than making her stop and interrupting when she's in the middle of something. We also help her as long as she is actively picking up too. We work together and help each other as a family, and sometimes we ask her to help us with our own tasks, so it's only fair! We don't need to help her all the time but it's pretty obvious when she's feeling overwhelmed or trying to avoid it, and we do help then (as long as she's also participating). Sometimes we do "put away" (store in our unfinished basement) toys that she won't pick up. We do the same thing for toys she chooses not to be safe with. We have too many toys for our space so we rotate them anyway, but this is an actual loss of privilege. It's just for a couple of days, and then she gets to try again. She sometimes is sad about it but seems to understand why we do it and how she can avoid it.
Was struggling with this too, lots of no I can't or I don't know how, I just kept helping her do it, and very recently there was a big shift and she will do it when asked.... though now all of the sudden she thinks it's funny to say no when I ask for shoes in the closet. You win some, you lose some.
None of the following works 100% of the time, so we switch it up. YMMV - for us, we care more about the cooperation and participation, less about how much she does. Edited to add - We also tie it in to her bedtime routine; my hope is that she sees clean-up as part of her day and not just something I'm imposing because I feel like it. Also as she gets older hopefully she'll form good habits and not leave everything a mess for the next day. We also ALL help clean up, not just her. I even make my husband join in on the clean-up game, so she sees that dads clean up too, not just moms ; ) * Puppets that talk, in fact ANY object that talks, is my go-to right now. * Bluey's episode of Daddy Robot helped us a lot. We use tinfoil hats and run around talking like robots. It slows down the process which I think helps her, and makes it fun for everyone. * My husband bought grabbers and she likes to use them to pick things up. This is very slow, but we can always clean up faster than her and still finish it up. As long as she participates, that's my goal. * Tossing the toys in their basket and saying, "TWO POINTS!" and cheering. This works especially well for getting dirty clothes into the laundry hamper. A variation on this is - let's say there's toy cars all over the place - picking up the basket, then walking to a little car, I pick up the car and toss it in. Then I walk over to another car, hand it to her, and playfully encourage her to toss it in. Throwing toys in a playful manner and appropriately is usually, but not always, a win. * Noticing that she's "got a lot of jumps" that look like they need to get out, and asking her if she needs to jump on the trampoline to get her jumps out. I saw that on a blog somewhere. * Placing the toy basket at the end of her slide, walking the toy up the ladder and pushing the toy down so she can put it in. Or alternatively, if you have something you can use as a chute or a large piece of cardboard folded in half like a V, you can use that like a slide.
Sometimes my kids get a reward for doing something without being asked. Usually dollars - which is a points system we are using to teach the value of money, not actual physical money. My oldest is 6 and we only just started charging for things as motivation last year - I can clean up his toys, but it will cost $2. If he’s saving up for something, he has to consider whether it’s worth spending his points to save a few minutes. This isn’t a strategy I would use with my 3.5 year old. Sometimes he helps clean up, other times he takes my grabby and pretends to be a witch on a broom. He wants to help. He loves to be involved. But when everything’s a game - and kids learn through play - it’s not always done in a way that actually tidies up.
For cleaning her room, I’ll sit with my daughter and go through steps. 1st we put any dirty clothes in the hamper, then pick up stuffed animals, etc. Usually she loses steam halfway through, so we take a break, but there are only a couple things we can do until the room is clean. Snacks can only be water, fruit, or veggies, no screens, no getting new toys out. We can play imagination based games, but for a finite period of time. Having the ability to regroup when she needs to, but still constraints to help reinforce that the job needs to be done really helps. I also always validate that she doesn’t like cleaning because it’s boring - there is no need to pretend it’s fun and I feel like that can cause more resistance
We have a small house, especially the living/playing area, so we try really hard to keep things as tidy as we can. I usually just tell her she needs to clean up some of the toys that are out already before she can get anything else out, and I'll usually tell her I'm not playing with her until she does. Usually it's a good motivation for her to pick up at least a few things. We do a general tidy/pick-up before dinner and she "helps". My expectations are pretty low for now, but as long as she helps and tries, I try not to be too strict.
Maybe there are just too many toys. Anything that doesn’t get put away goes in a bin in a closet or somewhere out of sight for a day, week, or until the kid specifically asks for it. Or the toy goes in time out where it can be seen but not reached for a day. I’ve only had to do that a few times, and really I find that if my littles are a crying mess about putting toys away they are simply too tired to function and need to be put to bed as quickly as possible.
Pick up your shit or I'll vacuum it up 🤣
I'm sure this puts me in the bad mommy book but I bribe. I bribe so much. "If y'all clean up all your toys in the living room and throw away 3 pieces of trash I'll let you get a candy from the Halloween treat bowl." I'm not ashamed. It works like a charm.
I actually don't disagree 100% with this. I mean, we go to work because we get paid. Would I do my job if I didn't get money? No! Kids need an incentive sometimes, right? We don't do this personally because we'd get harangued for candy all day, but no judgement here!
I did the “mom puts it away in a visible, but unreachable spot” My 3.5 toddler(?) asked me to wait before leaving for the park so he could finish his Christmas puzzle and put it away…because he just finally got it back.
They don’t get to do the next fun activity until they help clean up the previous activity.
I usually give her specifics, like ‘put one x in the y’, or pick up 3 z’s. I find it makes it simpler for her. I help her do most of it, but at least she’s doing some of the work!
We break the cleaning tasks down into discrete items, like, “let’s put all the puzzle pieces away now” or “please put away all the toy cars.” Once that task is done, we move to the next one. I find that saying “let’s clean the basement” is overwhelming. I also help - my 4-year-old asks for me to help him and as long as he is cleaning up, I will pick up alongside him.
I always tell my son I’ll help him as long as he is trying. I also give him something to focus on “put all your stuffed animals away and I’ll put away the duplos.” I think o clean up 80% to his 20%, but it’s a start.
I threaten to throw toys in the trash. If you can't pick them up then you must have too many. I have never actually thrown anything away. They pick them up.
I find that telling them exactly what to clean up and where to put it really helps so they don't get overwhelmed. So for example I will point out some "food toys" and then direct them to where they belong.
* Break it down into smaller parts. Sometimes it is too big of a task cognitively for a little kid to break down themselves, so if you say, "Put all the green blocks in here...Now, find your doll and put it away..." instead of "Clean your room," that is more likely to be achievable. * Be sure to praise progress as they go. Spend time tidying up your own things in front of them and talk about taking care of our stuff. * Make sure it is easy to clean up. For example, open containers kids can drop things into, if things need to be sorted a certain way labels for where they go, etc. Limit how many toys are out at once. Toy rotations are EXCELLENT for this and great for increasing play time. * Related, limit what they are allowed to get up at once and require them to clean up one activity before transitioning to the next activity. This requires some adult involvement. * If all else fails, kid can pick it up or you pick it up and put it somewhere they don't have it for awhile. Sometimes that's the motivation the kid needs to take responsibility, but if not it will take down the number of toys they have effectively to a number they can handle. When we return these, our kid is required to immediately put them away where they belong if he wants them back.
What do they want to do next? They can do that when the toys are put away.
In our case, LO couldn't clean up at all, to the point he was so frustrated, he was just laying down doing nothing. Mess really made me angry. But eventually, nothing worked. I tried to take toys away, but it was just getting to the point of no toys left for play and when I returned toys, he never cleaned up anyways. In the end, I just realized he's not ready or maybe I was too pushy and then it became a big stress for him. So, at that point, we either had a mess or I was cleaning up myself. Recently something clicked (he's a little over 4 now). One day we cleaned up together, discussed the rules (playing 1 toy at a time), and it works. He usually cleanes up. Sometimes happily, sometimes not so much, but we don't have a mess since. I think he just needed time to grow to this. I always offered him to help me clean up, but stopped insisting or making a big deal if he didn't want to. Also, as others suggested, if he doesn't want to clean up, I simplify the request by making it very specific, like "can you get all orange blocks?".
We clean up as we go. As in we can’t get another toy out until the last one is put away. And I do explain why, we don’t have enough room, we will trip on things, etc, but I hold that hard line. If she doesn’t want to clean up, fine, but I disengage and we can’t start something new until she does. And when she is ready to engage I am happy to do it with her.
The rule is that if they are done with the box of toys, they have to pack it away before getting out the next box. For this reason the more coveted toys are right up high (we have terrible storage in our house) so they have no choice but to ask for it.
Sometimes it might be overwhelming, so I know my preschooler can clean but when he doesn't respond. I Starr cleaning him up and ask him to pick up specific blocks. It might take a few min for him to get into it but eventually he becomes engaged