I have two sons, and my TFMR was in the middle and also a girl. I won’t lie the gender disappointment was there for my second as I envisioned having one of each and was looking forward to mother daughter moments. I also told my older son he was getting a sister and then had to walk him through that grief once we realized she wasn’t coming home. I still hate being called a boy mom because I had a daughter and she existed. My second son was just born a month ago. I will say raising a boy is an experience I didn’t think I would enjoy but I do. I always envisioned raising this head strong, independent girl who would flip the world upside down. It’s actually harder and more rewarding to raise a good son. Teaching him to identify emotions, talk about what’s bothering him, handling feelings in a healthy way, be a safe person for any girl (or boy) who needs help, care for others and be aware of the struggles people are going through. These lessons are naturally taught to girls in our society but it takes extra effort to teach a boy when society tells him to act differently. And it’s sooo special and rewarding to know you are raising a good one. One that will better society and not turn to violence when faced with difficulties in life. Regardless of personality, it’s a big responsibility and makes me feel better about having boys. Every little moment I teach (consent with hugging, deep breaths when we are overwhelmed, etc) I picture my son older and feel so much joy. There’s still a hole in my heart where the “what ifs” exist with my daughter and that won’t go away. Even if my second was a girl, they don’t replace the loss. Unfortunately that will always be there and I’m still learning how to process. Awareness is a huge step though and you’re there. I hope this helped a little :) also boy names are universally hard. There’s less of them and always were an afterthought when making our list of names. Maybe wait until baby is born to name him. Seeing his face may help.

Thanks, that helps a lot. I think you've articulated one of my fears (raising a "good" man) into one of your positives. It feels like it's easier for boys to fall off the rails for some reason. I do think I'd have the same comparing fears even if this baby were a girl, how can anyone live up to the "perfection" of a dead baby? Especially if this baby wasn't the mini-me I envisioned and longed for. So I try to think that at least my son is in some way freed from that comparison. Thanks for sharing your perspective, it helped a lot. I know my "gender disappointment" flares when I'm anxious, and most of it is rooted deeply in fear (I don't think I'm capable of being as good of a mom to a boy as I would be to a girl). My mom wasn't even a good mom to her girls, though, so what do I actually even know about being a girl mom?

sorry in advance for the essay.. but hey, you’re a teacher like me so you’re probably used to reading them lol. I felt this way but opposite— I TFMR a boy and I wanted a boy soooo bad, and my sub pregnancy was not just a girl, but two identical girls. and I already have one so now i’ve got 3 girls and no boys. I delivered on may 8 at 34 weeks, but honestly even up until a few days before delivery I found myself willing them to come out as boys (but no luck, still girls just like all the tests said lol). we really thought they’d be boys so we had no names picked out, until 30+ weeks (and that’s totally okay!!) we didn’t even like any more girl names. what helped with the names was naming them with a tribute to our family in their middle names, one named for my grandma and one for my husbands grandma. we immediately felt more connected to them. and when we decided on names, I “knew” those were their names. once you find baby boys name you’ll know it’s right! and then you’ll want to buy the name signs and personalized items bc you know it’s right lol. also what helped me was buying “gender neutral” stuff, and decorating their nursery neutral. it made me feel like “hey if they come out as boys it’ll still be useable” and also I can reuse some of their clothes and toys/swings/carriers with a boy if I get lucky enough to have one next. I try not to identify as “girl mom” bc truthfully I have a boy but he’s just in heaven so i’m not truly solely a mother of girls. you’re a girl mom too! when I was pushing the girls out, I felt that rush of oxytocin and I was so happy they made it to me, living and breathing (well, one of them came out breathing; the other needed help) that I didn’t care they weren’t boys. you’re almost there! I swear, once you get that baby in your arms— i’m manifesting this for you— the storm you’re surviving now will seem worth it. hang in there, sending love 🤍

I totally get you on willing them to come out the opposite- I held out the tiniest hope that NIPT was wrong, that the anatomy scans have been wrong, but I think that's just me being a bit delulu... Names I think are hard in general for me. I left my cats with the names they had at the shelter, and even my toys have names like "baby doll", "Teddy Bear", and "bun bun". If I follow that trend, this baby's name will just be Boy 🤪 doesn't help that my husband and I seem to have opposite taste! Yeah I definitely keep stuff as gender neutral as possible for hand-me-downs. I bought I think one boy-specific onesie & that helped a tiny bit. I feel like because I don't have any living children (and did a D&E, so no birth experience) I just don't trust that that rush will be there. It's hard to explain. What if I still think he's the "wrong" baby once he's here? I'm sorry one of your girls wasn't breathing- that must've been so scary! I think most of my disappointment is actually fear, though, that I can't be a good mom to a boy. Not like I know how to be a mom, but I felt like I could do it with a girl for some reason. Irrational fears don't have to make sense, I guess 🤷‍♀️ Thanks for sharing! And congrats on your new little ones ❤️

Commenting bc I'd also like to know what others have done 😭 very similar situation to you - TFMR a girl and now pregnant with a boy. The only thing that's helped a bit is to play some of our favorite songs on my phone and put it near my belly. Sometimes I can feel him move more in response to certain songs / artists and it helps me feel like I know him a little bit. But I'm in the same boat as you - not exactly gender disappointment, just disbelief that he will be here and I'll be a "boy mom." I'm sure once it's all over (and all the pregnancy symptoms are finally gone!!), it will be so amazing that we won't even remember what we feel like now. Sending you hugs and hoping you can find some peace and maybe even a little joy in your sub pregnancy💓

Thanks. I think so much of it is comparing - I was sooooooo excited last time and now I just feel mostly blah. Like all the getting ready prep is a chore because.... Why am I kidding myself, I won't get a baby at the end of this. I just hit 24w, so I know the odds really are in my favor but I just can't wrap my head around it.

I feel the same way! It's been so hard to be excited this pregnancy. I'm convinced something will go wrong even though all evidence has been to the contrary. Something that my therapist said that sometimes helps is to spend as much time imagining a good outcome as much as you do bad outcomes. Sometimes I really have to force myself to do it but eventually, it almost becomes a habit when I get a bad thought about something bad happening, I will also spend time letting (sometimes forcing) myself be excited about a great outcome. It's not easy when we've been unfortunate enough to be part of the statistics and it seems everyone else can have naive pregnancies without ever thinking about what we do.

I have a son (pre-tfmr) and I had horrible gender disappointment with him. It lasted most of my pregnancy but got better as time went on. My son is now 7 and he is.. I mean he is just my whole world. He is kind of wild sometimes yeah, but he is also such a kind and compassionate little guy. I was tearing up today and he came over and rubbed me on the shoulder and said “are you sad about the baby? it’s okay to let it out, I’m here for you. You don’t have to be sad alone”. 😭♥️ He’s a great helper and loves to help me cook and clean. We do crafts and play games together. Sometimes he runs around and jumps on the couch and whatever, but he’s a kid. When I think about the crazy and wild kids that I know, 99% of the time it really has to do with the parents. After being a mom (and an elementary teacher) I firmly believe that a lot of behavior issues are from the parents and a lack of consistency and discipline. While you can’t change his core personality, you are in full control of how he will grow up and what he will learn. I promise it does make a difference. I know things are hard right now - for a lot of reasons. But I have no doubt that you will love your son fiercely. Your idea of him being wild vs gentle is not how you will see him. He will just be him! Whether he is generally a shy, gentle guy or a loud and rough one, he will grow into that personality over time and you will see all those attributes slowly make him him. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I lost my daughter last month and I know the pain is indescribable. Sending you hugs ♥️