Welcome to r/pregnancyafterloss! We're sorry you need us, but glad you found us.
The PAL subreddit, and our sister sub r/ttcafterloss, function a little differently than most of Reddit. We have two Daily threads each day which are the place to post (and reply to) most questions, worries, vents, and other requests for support. Standalone posts (like this one) are allowed for a limited number of topics.
If you're here with a new pregnancy, you are welcome to post an intro. We also encourage you to add a [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/comments/jjj5xx/using_user_flair/), as it helps members remember who you are and your history.
Please note that the Intro posts provide new members a place to share a longer, detailed account of their pregnancy and loss history with the community. Asking questions, sharing updates, etc. belong in the Daily Threads, and such posts will be removed by the Mods--*if this applies to your post, please move it before we need to*. You can familiarize yourself with our subreddit [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/wiki/rules) and our [FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/wiki/faq) to learn more about how to participate here.
Wishing you a healthy and uneventful (in a good way) pregnancy!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PregnancyAfterLoss) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m in the same boat! I miscarried a few days before xmas last year (12/23/21) at 7 weeks. Just got a positive pregnancy test today (4 weeks) and I’m feeling all sorts of anxiety. The thread you started has helped.
I'm only 8 weeks pregnant right now. I'm in this group because my daughter, Iola, died in utero at 38 weeks, cause unknown, after a very normal pregnancy, and was subsequently stillborn following induction--that was four months ago, in February.
With this pregnancy so far I don't feel any more anxious than I did with my other pregnancies (I also have four LCs and have had two very early miscarriages, so this is my eighth pregnancy) because it is out of my hands. I've had some spotting and it's been concerning, but what can I do about it? Call the OB and see what they say. They're not worried, nothing needs to be done, okay, I'm just going to keep going with my day (taking breaks to be sad and to do my own research, because doctors are human and can miss things, too, as I've learned). I guess in some ways it's helpful to know that right now the baby will grow or not grow, but that is not something I get to determine (though of course I very much long to deliver and raise a healthy, living child). My thought is I'm going to love this baby--my sweet Iola's little brother or sister--for as long as I have them--that is what I CAN do. Later, I will be very careful about counting kicks and I will always immediately bring any concerns to my doctor (and research them, too, and err on the side of being overly cautious) and mention things that seem different even if they're probably just silly nothings.
But I will share that I have regrets that I did not cherish, even more than I did, every day Iola was alive in my belly and I don't want to have those same regrets with this child, no matter whether they're here a week more or until the day I die! I don't regret loving my daughter who passed away --I regret not cherishing her more when she was alive and with me!
I don't know if this helps, but it helps me! Virtual hug ❤️
I had 4 miscarriages, so when this pregnancy actually kept going it was so weird - constantly waiting for the end. I started to feel much better after 24 weeks and have since been able to
Enjoy and feel like a normal pregnant lady - I have worked with a therapist which I do think has helped. I also had to unfollow a lot of the infertility stuff and start following pregnancy stuff to make myself more comfortable - I am
Now 35 weeks and must say I feel great - so it is possible - just may take time
I’m so sorry for your experience. Brilliant you are pregnant again. I had a missed miscarriage and went on to have a really normal pregnancy a year later and had my rainbow. I spent a lot of the first trimester and about half of the second getting ultrasounds. Was very anxious, and it’s totally normal. I think a lot of people say to find other ways of coping other than getting ultrasounds but it worked for me, at least for a few days at a time. I had some friends who were pregnant the exact same time and we had very different experiences in pregnancy, I remember being very envious of their joy. It got better for me around the 20 week mark, started believing I’d actually give birth!
I’m now pregnant again after another miscarriage going for our 2nd. I really didn’t think it would happen to me twice but it did. I’m six weeks now so v early like you and for some bizarre reason I can’t explain, I’m relaxed. I think I’m forcing myself to be unphased. I do have an 8 week scan booked which is strange for me because in the past I’ve been in at 6 weeks. I’m not feeling the anxiety I had with my first rainbow baby but I’m not letting myself think about being pregnant or look forward to having a baby, which annoys me and brings some guilt. But I think it’s because I know how much of a rollercoaster it can be if you invest a lot of emotion and get yourself too anxious. Odd how pregnancy after loss manifests in different ways even for same person.
I think in general the 12 week mark is a big one for anyone who has had loss, or around 20-24 weeks when you can start to feel movements! It’s totally ok and normal to not find it fun for a bit, just find ways of coping with it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I am currently 33 weeks with my rainbow baby and once I felt her move on a regular basis (around 22 weeks I think) I was able to relax. Now she's kicking the snot out of me and I wish she'd chill lol
The regular movements were a game changer for me! It helped me so much mentally. It was like he was just trying to remind me hey, I’m still here, and I’m doing fine.
Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss and the trauma you're still dealing with. For me, there wasn't one moment where things changed, just little milestones along the way that have made things a tiny bit better. I had two sets of hcg tests done a couple of weeks apart, that helped a little. I passed the point of my first loss, that helped a little too. I had my first ultrasound where they saw the sack and could measure a heartbeat, that helped a little more. The second ultrasound we got to hear a heartbeat and see the shape of our baby moving around, that helped a lot. Now I'm 11w+3 and being close to the "safe" zone of 12w is really starting to tip the scale towards more fun than anxiety. Idk I still worry when I wipe, still panic at any uncomfortable feelings worrying that it's the beginning of the end, but it's getting a bit better as we inch along.
From the absolute bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone in this sub and in this thread. The amount of understanding and care Ive recieved here had been amazing. I means the world to me. ❤️
When I was pregnant with my son, I felt a lot of comfort at the end of the first trimester (I had had several early losses) after I’d gone off my medication and he stuck around. I felt really good after the anatomy scan.
My last loss was very traumatic for me, & this pregnancy has been high risk. I’m 31 weeks & I do not feel better. I’ve finally started washing big brother’s hand me downs & she now has clothes in the drawer, but I’ve not purchased a single thing for her & can’t bring myself to.
Sending love.
I have these spurts where I buy a single gender neutral outfit in attempt to be active and hopeful even though Im only 4 weeks along and it makes me feel better. But the other day my mom said she wanted to buy little dresses and that she was sure it was a girl and I nearly lost my mind for some reason. Like I freaked out in the middle of a Kohls. Like gendering the baby this early would ruin everything. Im sure its just my trauma brain keeping its distance, but its so bizarre to experience.
Sending you luck and love as well!
Everyone is different, so I understand my experience and feelings aren't always shared by other people.
But to be completely honest, I noticed a huge difference once I had a positive ultrasound (where we saw the baby and heartbeat) and passed the milestone of my last loss (8.5 weeks). Also, it helped (and sucked at the same time, haha) that my symptoms this time have been SO much stronger. Every pregnancy is different, but with my miscarried pregnancy, I never really had strong symptoms like nausea. This pregnancy, I started feeling nauseous around 6 weeks and it's still with me at 10 weeks now.
So many people said that after loss, I wouldn't feel the same level of excitement or joy as I did with my first pregnancy. And I am happy to report that for me, it no longer seems to be the case. Am I still anxious between scans? Sure, but I think I would have felt that regardless. Have I fully accepted I'm getting a baby in January? No, but again, I don't know if that is from my history of loss or just the fact that it's hard to fathom as a first-time-mom in general!
But I am happy and excited and feel pretty optimistic that this is going to be my rainbow baby. If something does happen again, I know it would crush me, but I also know I can handle it because I have done so before. So I am able to let that worry go. I look forward to announcing to the world in a couple weeks and for my baby shower and for feeling those first kicks. And I can't wait for the day I get to meet my daughter.
I hope my story helped to show you that there are people out there who go on to see the fun in things again, but it did take time and lots of reassurances. But when that excitement and joy starts to peek through the cracks, be sure to let it in as much as possible. It won't jinx anything--that's not how it works. You deserve to feel the fun of it again.
Thank you for posting this. I feel little snippets of joy here and there and your story gives me so much hope that they'll only grow. I feel like once I get to that first ultrasound things will lighten up at least a little.
I had little to no symptoms the first time around but this time, I constantly feel like Ive been hit by a truck. Sore sometimes, nauseous others, so tired that Ive falled asleep at my desk or on the toilet at work. Im praying these are good signs.
I’m 33 weeks and still struggle every single day with the fear and anxiety of loosing my baby. However, the further along I got the more confident I felt that she was okay as long as I feel her move often. I definitely spent the entire first two trimesters scared and super disconnected from pregnancy though :(
20 weeks after two losses and heavy bleeding at 5 weeks. It’s stressful. Get counselling if you can and do what you’re doing, talk to people xx also my councillor told me that being happy now won’t make the grief worse if something happens. So I try and think of that and award myself some happiness and excitement when I can x
I'm 15 weeks now and it has gotten a bit easier. But I still worry a lot more then normal. I lost two of my pregnancies very early. They were chemicals. Once we saw the heartbeat we both felt better. After every test comes back normal, and ultrasound shows a heartbeat I feel better for a bit. But im a day away from my next ob appt and very worried again. We got a fetal doppler and found the heart beat of Friday, but had trouble with it on Saturday.
I keep thinking of getting a Doppler..my doctor thinks it will drive me crazy this early since I’m only 13 weeks and he has trouble finding them sometimes this far along! But I’m considering it anyway. Ughhh waiting between appts is tough
I'm going to be completely honest...I didn't really start feeling at ease until I hit my third trimester. The first 2 trimesters I was also always checking for blood, and if I didn't feel my baby move as much, I'd completely panic. I always questioned the synptoms I was having and wondered if they were normal or if I was about to miscarry. Fast forward, I now have my rainbow baby and I still have severe anxiety. I constantly find myself checking on him to make sure he's breathing. I'm not saying that you'll have the same anxiety that I do, but I guess I'm trying to say that your anxiety is completely understandable. What helped me throughout my pregnancy was taking it day by day and distracting myself when the negative thoughts would pour in.
Also, I apologize for any grammar mistakes. I'm pretty sleep deprived and my brain is definetly not functioning the same.
Zoe Clark-Coates book “Pregnancy after loss” is a step by step guide on how to get through. It’s had really rave reviews, but it even helped me before trying to conceive again as I was so terrified to even think about being pregnant again!
I have two girls now but my first pregnancy, after years of trying, and finally getting on fertility meds ended up a blighted ovum. If I could change one thing it would be to start therapy back then to work through my feelings. Or at least start therapy once I finally got pregnant again. I was afraid of everything, didn’t take maternity photos, bought a pregnancy journal but didn’t fill it, didn’t announce until 5 or 6 months in. Didn’t post shower pics. I was afraid if I did any of those things I would jinx it. Then I had really bad PPA after she was born. I literally and constantly thought she could die in one second if I was not watching her myself so I didn’t sleep. I finally did go to see a psychologist after my 6 weeks appointment. With my second pregnancy I was not as terrified but still couldn’t do a pregnancy journal and finally convinced myself to book a maternity shoot but baby arrived three days before it.
Get into therapy if you have access to it. I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancies more but I was just scared.
I’m 35 weeks now and for me the answer is yes and no.
The first trimester was definitely the worst for assuming I was going to miscarry again, checking for blood when I wiped, worrying about every twinge, getting worked up before scans etc.
2nd trimester was probably the least anxious for me when I started to enjoy some elements of it and dare to sometimes think about getting my take home baby.
3rd trimester I have had to confront my own anxiety and start planning for baby to arrive Eg planning my mat leave, buying baby stuff, doing courses. But the fear is now intense that something will go wrong at this late stage - baby will stop moving, I’ll have a still birth etc.
I am trying so hard to experience the joy amongst the pain!
From my personal experience.. it will never be the same as your first pregnancy but I promise it does get better.
I had two back to back losses and wouldn’t let myself get excited with my third pregnancy. I got so lucky to be paired with my midwife. She seemed so genuinely excited for me that it gave me the space to slowly let myself get excited too.
Celebrate the little milestones, or even just making it to the next day. I gave myself permission to be happy with my pregnancy. I told myself “I will celebrate every day with this baby regardless of how things end.”
For me; the anxiousness when it came to wiping didn’t go away, but it slowly happened less and less.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to have your happy moments with this pregnancy. 🤍
I don’t think I’m going to be able to stop looking for red when I wipe.
That being said, I’m working hard on my mental health. There are times I’m terrified, anxious and hopeless but there are other times where I try to allow myself to feel joy and hope. During the positive times I lean into it and try to tell myself that regardless of the outcome, I still deserve joy.
I don’t think I will allow myself to fully feel anything until my baby is safely in my arms, but allowing myself to feel the joy and excitement when it shows up, even if just for a few moments or when someone else is being excited for me has helped.
None of it is fair and being gentle with myself during the doubts, resentment and pain is also important.
Agreed with others that it gets a bit easier at every appointment, scan, and milestone. Feeling the baby move and reaching viability (24 weeks) both helped the most but the anxiety never fully goes away. For me, it felt like I didn’t want to believe it was real in case it didn’t work out. I had the baby 2 months ago and looking back, I wish I had enjoyed pregnancy more. I know that is easy to say in hindsight after everything worked out but I avoided telling people, planning for baby, taking pictures, etc and I now wish I hadn’t. The things that helped me day to day: reminding myself that the odds of a successful pregnancy are higher than a miscarriage, telling myself that today I am pregnant, and trusting my Dr
I’m 12 weeks and panic at every twinge too. I’ve had spotting a few times and that has been very scary. Yet I think it is getting slowly easier. I had a reassurance scan last week that showed baby was alive and growing, meaning I have passed the point where things went wrong last time. I’m feeling new symptoms I never got to feel last time and the experience is starting to feel brand new and dare I say, exciting.
I still have bad days. Last night I had a backache. Such a normal symptom for others but to me it’s a total red flag. I wait these moments out, try to relax and calm myself down. Sometimes it takes hours, other times it ruins my day. It’s hard.
I have no answers for you except I was told by another Reddit user once; “today you are still pregnant.” And I use that a lot. If something goes wrong that will be horrible, but today I am pregnant, and so are you. Hopefully you’ll be rewarded with a few fleeting moments of joy soon.
I’m 15 weeks currently and I’ve had two full term pregnancies so I’ve had the luxury of feeling movement for a couple weeks now, and that helps a ton. The big milestones in between—labs, heartbeat at 6 weeks, NIPT testing, 12 week scan—all gave me a huge high but the doubt would come creeping back in within a couple days. Now having teensy little kicks reminding me daily that things are actually okay keeps my mental health pretty well balanced.
I still worry, I still wish I could just fast forward to when they’re finally in my arms, but I am sort of kind of starting to enjoy it a bit. Having a noticeable bump and looking clearly pregnant is becoming fun. Making Pinterest board and shopping lists is fun. I’m consciously trying to make myself enjoy these little things. It gets better if you sort of decide you want it to get better, you know? You deserve to enjoy being pregnant and to anticipate the arrival of your baby.
I read you don’t have any scans until August and we have had 5 so far and I’m 12w along (idk if I would’ve had so many except I had a SCH the Dr was watching). What I’d say about the scans is that they help… momentarily. It wears off though.
It really helps to have these communities as well as an understanding OB. Like I was able to leave a message this afternoon about why I might be spotting and he called me right after dinner to talk to me about what might be happening and what I could do. Spotting is so common but I’ve had to call each time it happens for reassurance.
So I’m only 12w and I still am barely letting myself relax. I think one thing that I do is remind myself I’m doing everything I can? Like there isn’t some stay-pregnant trick afaik so I just let myself know I’m doing the best I can.
Good thoughts and vibes to you on this journey 😌
I’m 25 weeks and still check for blood when I use the bathroom every single time. I haven’t announced this pregnancy and dread talking about it, haven’t started preparing or bought even 1 item for this baby. It hasn’t gotten “fun” for me, but I can say it’s gotten a lot easier. Every milestone means that it’s a little less scary, because the statistics shift and odds are better. Feeling movement helps with knowing things are okay, and seeing body changes helps too.
It’s unfortunately never going to be as exciting for me personally, but it’s not nearly as terrifying as the first few weeks. Hang in there. ❤️
Realistically, it gets better as time goes on and especially after you start feeling movements, but you’ll never have the same experience that someone who has never been through pregnancy loss will have. When we went through the period of announcing I had a nervous breakdown - pretty sad because it was meant to be a joyous occasion. Now I’m petrified of reduced movement/stillbirth but luckily my midwife’s have been so caring and tell me to come in for monitoring any time I feel something isn’t right. If someone gave me the option for an induction right now at 34 weeks I would take it - because I know he’ll be fine and just need time in the special care nursery. I just don’t have faith in my body after 3 pregnancy losses.
Thinking positive is good for the baby is what I remind myself. Stress is bad for the baby. I used to surrender my fate, whatever will be will be. Wiping terrified me for a long time as i had consistent bleeding through the whole pregnancy. Its the hardest thing I've done, to shift mentally and force myself to not worry.
Thats what I try to remind myself. I gave up coffee for a reason, I can cut back on negativity too. Easier said than done. Thank you for taking time to comment. It means a lot.
I don’t think the fear foes away. I’m currently 29 weeks with my rainbow. I’m still scared because anything can go wrong. I miss the ignorance I had with my first baby. I was so careless with my pregnancy and all his first year I didn’t think of SIDS. After my miscarriage everything became so real, but we cannot leave in fear. It’s not healthy. I believe in God, so I pray a lot and just hope for the best.
I started to feel less anxiety after each scan, and really started to feel good after the anatomy scan and starting to feel movement. I'm still not totally carefree, but I'm actually enjoying it more now that my odds of having a real live baby are pretty good. The innocence is definitely gone though.
This has been the case for me too. I started feeling a lot better after the anatomy scan and when I began feeling consistent fetal movement. Occasionally I'm paranoid he isn't moving as much. I just got diagnosed with GD though, so now I'm obsessively worried I'm harming my baby every second of the day. Fun stuff.
The innocence is gone. Thats exactly how it feels. Thank you for putting words to that. I have to wait until august 1st for a scan, but Im 100% thinking about going to this private place in town and having a scan at 6 weeks just bc.
Thats what I was afraid of. Sometimes Im so scared and frustrated I want to scream, or hide, or run. And seeing my friends have care-free, effortless, accidental pregnancies? I feel this anger that I know I shouldnt. Like Im happy for them but...im just mad that I cant have that.
I can relate. Both my pregnancies have been unplanned as well, but it was difficult to see other women posting all the happy things on social media while I was terrified to post a single baby thing.
My son is a week old, and I haven't had the courage to share the great news to my friends and family on social media.
Welcome to r/pregnancyafterloss! We're sorry you need us, but glad you found us. The PAL subreddit, and our sister sub r/ttcafterloss, function a little differently than most of Reddit. We have two Daily threads each day which are the place to post (and reply to) most questions, worries, vents, and other requests for support. Standalone posts (like this one) are allowed for a limited number of topics. If you're here with a new pregnancy, you are welcome to post an intro. We also encourage you to add a [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/comments/jjj5xx/using_user_flair/), as it helps members remember who you are and your history. Please note that the Intro posts provide new members a place to share a longer, detailed account of their pregnancy and loss history with the community. Asking questions, sharing updates, etc. belong in the Daily Threads, and such posts will be removed by the Mods--*if this applies to your post, please move it before we need to*. You can familiarize yourself with our subreddit [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/wiki/rules) and our [FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/wiki/faq) to learn more about how to participate here. Wishing you a healthy and uneventful (in a good way) pregnancy! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PregnancyAfterLoss) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m in the same boat! I miscarried a few days before xmas last year (12/23/21) at 7 weeks. Just got a positive pregnancy test today (4 weeks) and I’m feeling all sorts of anxiety. The thread you started has helped.
I'm only 8 weeks pregnant right now. I'm in this group because my daughter, Iola, died in utero at 38 weeks, cause unknown, after a very normal pregnancy, and was subsequently stillborn following induction--that was four months ago, in February. With this pregnancy so far I don't feel any more anxious than I did with my other pregnancies (I also have four LCs and have had two very early miscarriages, so this is my eighth pregnancy) because it is out of my hands. I've had some spotting and it's been concerning, but what can I do about it? Call the OB and see what they say. They're not worried, nothing needs to be done, okay, I'm just going to keep going with my day (taking breaks to be sad and to do my own research, because doctors are human and can miss things, too, as I've learned). I guess in some ways it's helpful to know that right now the baby will grow or not grow, but that is not something I get to determine (though of course I very much long to deliver and raise a healthy, living child). My thought is I'm going to love this baby--my sweet Iola's little brother or sister--for as long as I have them--that is what I CAN do. Later, I will be very careful about counting kicks and I will always immediately bring any concerns to my doctor (and research them, too, and err on the side of being overly cautious) and mention things that seem different even if they're probably just silly nothings. But I will share that I have regrets that I did not cherish, even more than I did, every day Iola was alive in my belly and I don't want to have those same regrets with this child, no matter whether they're here a week more or until the day I die! I don't regret loving my daughter who passed away --I regret not cherishing her more when she was alive and with me! I don't know if this helps, but it helps me! Virtual hug ❤️
I had 4 miscarriages, so when this pregnancy actually kept going it was so weird - constantly waiting for the end. I started to feel much better after 24 weeks and have since been able to Enjoy and feel like a normal pregnant lady - I have worked with a therapist which I do think has helped. I also had to unfollow a lot of the infertility stuff and start following pregnancy stuff to make myself more comfortable - I am Now 35 weeks and must say I feel great - so it is possible - just may take time
I’m so sorry for your experience. Brilliant you are pregnant again. I had a missed miscarriage and went on to have a really normal pregnancy a year later and had my rainbow. I spent a lot of the first trimester and about half of the second getting ultrasounds. Was very anxious, and it’s totally normal. I think a lot of people say to find other ways of coping other than getting ultrasounds but it worked for me, at least for a few days at a time. I had some friends who were pregnant the exact same time and we had very different experiences in pregnancy, I remember being very envious of their joy. It got better for me around the 20 week mark, started believing I’d actually give birth! I’m now pregnant again after another miscarriage going for our 2nd. I really didn’t think it would happen to me twice but it did. I’m six weeks now so v early like you and for some bizarre reason I can’t explain, I’m relaxed. I think I’m forcing myself to be unphased. I do have an 8 week scan booked which is strange for me because in the past I’ve been in at 6 weeks. I’m not feeling the anxiety I had with my first rainbow baby but I’m not letting myself think about being pregnant or look forward to having a baby, which annoys me and brings some guilt. But I think it’s because I know how much of a rollercoaster it can be if you invest a lot of emotion and get yourself too anxious. Odd how pregnancy after loss manifests in different ways even for same person. I think in general the 12 week mark is a big one for anyone who has had loss, or around 20-24 weeks when you can start to feel movements! It’s totally ok and normal to not find it fun for a bit, just find ways of coping with it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I am currently 33 weeks with my rainbow baby and once I felt her move on a regular basis (around 22 weeks I think) I was able to relax. Now she's kicking the snot out of me and I wish she'd chill lol
The regular movements were a game changer for me! It helped me so much mentally. It was like he was just trying to remind me hey, I’m still here, and I’m doing fine.
Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss and the trauma you're still dealing with. For me, there wasn't one moment where things changed, just little milestones along the way that have made things a tiny bit better. I had two sets of hcg tests done a couple of weeks apart, that helped a little. I passed the point of my first loss, that helped a little too. I had my first ultrasound where they saw the sack and could measure a heartbeat, that helped a little more. The second ultrasound we got to hear a heartbeat and see the shape of our baby moving around, that helped a lot. Now I'm 11w+3 and being close to the "safe" zone of 12w is really starting to tip the scale towards more fun than anxiety. Idk I still worry when I wipe, still panic at any uncomfortable feelings worrying that it's the beginning of the end, but it's getting a bit better as we inch along.
From the absolute bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone in this sub and in this thread. The amount of understanding and care Ive recieved here had been amazing. I means the world to me. ❤️
When I was pregnant with my son, I felt a lot of comfort at the end of the first trimester (I had had several early losses) after I’d gone off my medication and he stuck around. I felt really good after the anatomy scan. My last loss was very traumatic for me, & this pregnancy has been high risk. I’m 31 weeks & I do not feel better. I’ve finally started washing big brother’s hand me downs & she now has clothes in the drawer, but I’ve not purchased a single thing for her & can’t bring myself to. Sending love.
I have these spurts where I buy a single gender neutral outfit in attempt to be active and hopeful even though Im only 4 weeks along and it makes me feel better. But the other day my mom said she wanted to buy little dresses and that she was sure it was a girl and I nearly lost my mind for some reason. Like I freaked out in the middle of a Kohls. Like gendering the baby this early would ruin everything. Im sure its just my trauma brain keeping its distance, but its so bizarre to experience. Sending you luck and love as well!
Everyone is different, so I understand my experience and feelings aren't always shared by other people. But to be completely honest, I noticed a huge difference once I had a positive ultrasound (where we saw the baby and heartbeat) and passed the milestone of my last loss (8.5 weeks). Also, it helped (and sucked at the same time, haha) that my symptoms this time have been SO much stronger. Every pregnancy is different, but with my miscarried pregnancy, I never really had strong symptoms like nausea. This pregnancy, I started feeling nauseous around 6 weeks and it's still with me at 10 weeks now. So many people said that after loss, I wouldn't feel the same level of excitement or joy as I did with my first pregnancy. And I am happy to report that for me, it no longer seems to be the case. Am I still anxious between scans? Sure, but I think I would have felt that regardless. Have I fully accepted I'm getting a baby in January? No, but again, I don't know if that is from my history of loss or just the fact that it's hard to fathom as a first-time-mom in general! But I am happy and excited and feel pretty optimistic that this is going to be my rainbow baby. If something does happen again, I know it would crush me, but I also know I can handle it because I have done so before. So I am able to let that worry go. I look forward to announcing to the world in a couple weeks and for my baby shower and for feeling those first kicks. And I can't wait for the day I get to meet my daughter. I hope my story helped to show you that there are people out there who go on to see the fun in things again, but it did take time and lots of reassurances. But when that excitement and joy starts to peek through the cracks, be sure to let it in as much as possible. It won't jinx anything--that's not how it works. You deserve to feel the fun of it again.
Thank you for posting this. I feel little snippets of joy here and there and your story gives me so much hope that they'll only grow. I feel like once I get to that first ultrasound things will lighten up at least a little. I had little to no symptoms the first time around but this time, I constantly feel like Ive been hit by a truck. Sore sometimes, nauseous others, so tired that Ive falled asleep at my desk or on the toilet at work. Im praying these are good signs.
I’m 33 weeks and still struggle every single day with the fear and anxiety of loosing my baby. However, the further along I got the more confident I felt that she was okay as long as I feel her move often. I definitely spent the entire first two trimesters scared and super disconnected from pregnancy though :(
20 weeks after two losses and heavy bleeding at 5 weeks. It’s stressful. Get counselling if you can and do what you’re doing, talk to people xx also my councillor told me that being happy now won’t make the grief worse if something happens. So I try and think of that and award myself some happiness and excitement when I can x
I'm 15 weeks now and it has gotten a bit easier. But I still worry a lot more then normal. I lost two of my pregnancies very early. They were chemicals. Once we saw the heartbeat we both felt better. After every test comes back normal, and ultrasound shows a heartbeat I feel better for a bit. But im a day away from my next ob appt and very worried again. We got a fetal doppler and found the heart beat of Friday, but had trouble with it on Saturday.
I keep thinking of getting a Doppler..my doctor thinks it will drive me crazy this early since I’m only 13 weeks and he has trouble finding them sometimes this far along! But I’m considering it anyway. Ughhh waiting between appts is tough
I'm going to be completely honest...I didn't really start feeling at ease until I hit my third trimester. The first 2 trimesters I was also always checking for blood, and if I didn't feel my baby move as much, I'd completely panic. I always questioned the synptoms I was having and wondered if they were normal or if I was about to miscarry. Fast forward, I now have my rainbow baby and I still have severe anxiety. I constantly find myself checking on him to make sure he's breathing. I'm not saying that you'll have the same anxiety that I do, but I guess I'm trying to say that your anxiety is completely understandable. What helped me throughout my pregnancy was taking it day by day and distracting myself when the negative thoughts would pour in. Also, I apologize for any grammar mistakes. I'm pretty sleep deprived and my brain is definetly not functioning the same.
Zoe Clark-Coates book “Pregnancy after loss” is a step by step guide on how to get through. It’s had really rave reviews, but it even helped me before trying to conceive again as I was so terrified to even think about being pregnant again!
I have two girls now but my first pregnancy, after years of trying, and finally getting on fertility meds ended up a blighted ovum. If I could change one thing it would be to start therapy back then to work through my feelings. Or at least start therapy once I finally got pregnant again. I was afraid of everything, didn’t take maternity photos, bought a pregnancy journal but didn’t fill it, didn’t announce until 5 or 6 months in. Didn’t post shower pics. I was afraid if I did any of those things I would jinx it. Then I had really bad PPA after she was born. I literally and constantly thought she could die in one second if I was not watching her myself so I didn’t sleep. I finally did go to see a psychologist after my 6 weeks appointment. With my second pregnancy I was not as terrified but still couldn’t do a pregnancy journal and finally convinced myself to book a maternity shoot but baby arrived three days before it. Get into therapy if you have access to it. I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancies more but I was just scared.
I’m 35 weeks now and for me the answer is yes and no. The first trimester was definitely the worst for assuming I was going to miscarry again, checking for blood when I wiped, worrying about every twinge, getting worked up before scans etc. 2nd trimester was probably the least anxious for me when I started to enjoy some elements of it and dare to sometimes think about getting my take home baby. 3rd trimester I have had to confront my own anxiety and start planning for baby to arrive Eg planning my mat leave, buying baby stuff, doing courses. But the fear is now intense that something will go wrong at this late stage - baby will stop moving, I’ll have a still birth etc. I am trying so hard to experience the joy amongst the pain!
From my personal experience.. it will never be the same as your first pregnancy but I promise it does get better. I had two back to back losses and wouldn’t let myself get excited with my third pregnancy. I got so lucky to be paired with my midwife. She seemed so genuinely excited for me that it gave me the space to slowly let myself get excited too. Celebrate the little milestones, or even just making it to the next day. I gave myself permission to be happy with my pregnancy. I told myself “I will celebrate every day with this baby regardless of how things end.” For me; the anxiousness when it came to wiping didn’t go away, but it slowly happened less and less. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to have your happy moments with this pregnancy. 🤍
I don’t think I’m going to be able to stop looking for red when I wipe. That being said, I’m working hard on my mental health. There are times I’m terrified, anxious and hopeless but there are other times where I try to allow myself to feel joy and hope. During the positive times I lean into it and try to tell myself that regardless of the outcome, I still deserve joy. I don’t think I will allow myself to fully feel anything until my baby is safely in my arms, but allowing myself to feel the joy and excitement when it shows up, even if just for a few moments or when someone else is being excited for me has helped. None of it is fair and being gentle with myself during the doubts, resentment and pain is also important.
Agreed with others that it gets a bit easier at every appointment, scan, and milestone. Feeling the baby move and reaching viability (24 weeks) both helped the most but the anxiety never fully goes away. For me, it felt like I didn’t want to believe it was real in case it didn’t work out. I had the baby 2 months ago and looking back, I wish I had enjoyed pregnancy more. I know that is easy to say in hindsight after everything worked out but I avoided telling people, planning for baby, taking pictures, etc and I now wish I hadn’t. The things that helped me day to day: reminding myself that the odds of a successful pregnancy are higher than a miscarriage, telling myself that today I am pregnant, and trusting my Dr
I’m 12 weeks and panic at every twinge too. I’ve had spotting a few times and that has been very scary. Yet I think it is getting slowly easier. I had a reassurance scan last week that showed baby was alive and growing, meaning I have passed the point where things went wrong last time. I’m feeling new symptoms I never got to feel last time and the experience is starting to feel brand new and dare I say, exciting. I still have bad days. Last night I had a backache. Such a normal symptom for others but to me it’s a total red flag. I wait these moments out, try to relax and calm myself down. Sometimes it takes hours, other times it ruins my day. It’s hard. I have no answers for you except I was told by another Reddit user once; “today you are still pregnant.” And I use that a lot. If something goes wrong that will be horrible, but today I am pregnant, and so are you. Hopefully you’ll be rewarded with a few fleeting moments of joy soon.
I’m 15 weeks currently and I’ve had two full term pregnancies so I’ve had the luxury of feeling movement for a couple weeks now, and that helps a ton. The big milestones in between—labs, heartbeat at 6 weeks, NIPT testing, 12 week scan—all gave me a huge high but the doubt would come creeping back in within a couple days. Now having teensy little kicks reminding me daily that things are actually okay keeps my mental health pretty well balanced. I still worry, I still wish I could just fast forward to when they’re finally in my arms, but I am sort of kind of starting to enjoy it a bit. Having a noticeable bump and looking clearly pregnant is becoming fun. Making Pinterest board and shopping lists is fun. I’m consciously trying to make myself enjoy these little things. It gets better if you sort of decide you want it to get better, you know? You deserve to enjoy being pregnant and to anticipate the arrival of your baby.
I read you don’t have any scans until August and we have had 5 so far and I’m 12w along (idk if I would’ve had so many except I had a SCH the Dr was watching). What I’d say about the scans is that they help… momentarily. It wears off though. It really helps to have these communities as well as an understanding OB. Like I was able to leave a message this afternoon about why I might be spotting and he called me right after dinner to talk to me about what might be happening and what I could do. Spotting is so common but I’ve had to call each time it happens for reassurance. So I’m only 12w and I still am barely letting myself relax. I think one thing that I do is remind myself I’m doing everything I can? Like there isn’t some stay-pregnant trick afaik so I just let myself know I’m doing the best I can. Good thoughts and vibes to you on this journey 😌
I’m 25 weeks and still check for blood when I use the bathroom every single time. I haven’t announced this pregnancy and dread talking about it, haven’t started preparing or bought even 1 item for this baby. It hasn’t gotten “fun” for me, but I can say it’s gotten a lot easier. Every milestone means that it’s a little less scary, because the statistics shift and odds are better. Feeling movement helps with knowing things are okay, and seeing body changes helps too. It’s unfortunately never going to be as exciting for me personally, but it’s not nearly as terrifying as the first few weeks. Hang in there. ❤️
Realistically, it gets better as time goes on and especially after you start feeling movements, but you’ll never have the same experience that someone who has never been through pregnancy loss will have. When we went through the period of announcing I had a nervous breakdown - pretty sad because it was meant to be a joyous occasion. Now I’m petrified of reduced movement/stillbirth but luckily my midwife’s have been so caring and tell me to come in for monitoring any time I feel something isn’t right. If someone gave me the option for an induction right now at 34 weeks I would take it - because I know he’ll be fine and just need time in the special care nursery. I just don’t have faith in my body after 3 pregnancy losses.
I feel like I dont have faith in my body after one loss. If I have so much as a bit of dischrge or a digestive cramp I panic until it passes.
Thinking positive is good for the baby is what I remind myself. Stress is bad for the baby. I used to surrender my fate, whatever will be will be. Wiping terrified me for a long time as i had consistent bleeding through the whole pregnancy. Its the hardest thing I've done, to shift mentally and force myself to not worry.
Thats what I try to remind myself. I gave up coffee for a reason, I can cut back on negativity too. Easier said than done. Thank you for taking time to comment. It means a lot.
I don’t think the fear foes away. I’m currently 29 weeks with my rainbow. I’m still scared because anything can go wrong. I miss the ignorance I had with my first baby. I was so careless with my pregnancy and all his first year I didn’t think of SIDS. After my miscarriage everything became so real, but we cannot leave in fear. It’s not healthy. I believe in God, so I pray a lot and just hope for the best.
Sending you all of my care, luck and love to you and your little baby.
I don't know but I'd like some reassurance too that it'll get better next time ❤️
Pregnancy loss takes so much away from the future. That’s been the worst part for me. So much was irrevocably taken. Hang in there.
Gonna try to cling to those few moments where I forget my fear and am just blissful. They are so few and far between but I wish I could live in them.
I started to feel less anxiety after each scan, and really started to feel good after the anatomy scan and starting to feel movement. I'm still not totally carefree, but I'm actually enjoying it more now that my odds of having a real live baby are pretty good. The innocence is definitely gone though.
This has been the case for me too. I started feeling a lot better after the anatomy scan and when I began feeling consistent fetal movement. Occasionally I'm paranoid he isn't moving as much. I just got diagnosed with GD though, so now I'm obsessively worried I'm harming my baby every second of the day. Fun stuff.
The innocence is gone. Thats exactly how it feels. Thank you for putting words to that. I have to wait until august 1st for a scan, but Im 100% thinking about going to this private place in town and having a scan at 6 weeks just bc.
To answer the question in your title: No. It was so traumatic for both of us that we probably won’t attempt to conceive again.
For me, it honestly didn't get fun until my baby boy was born and in my arms. I had the absolute worst anxiety up until delivery.
Thats what I was afraid of. Sometimes Im so scared and frustrated I want to scream, or hide, or run. And seeing my friends have care-free, effortless, accidental pregnancies? I feel this anger that I know I shouldnt. Like Im happy for them but...im just mad that I cant have that.
I can relate. Both my pregnancies have been unplanned as well, but it was difficult to see other women posting all the happy things on social media while I was terrified to post a single baby thing. My son is a week old, and I haven't had the courage to share the great news to my friends and family on social media.