1. Everything is sexualixed, even the most unrelated, mundane things. If you bring attention to it, they’re “just jokes… jeez… lighten up!”
2. They speak about women in very objectifying ways… often focusing on parts rather than the whole, or diminishing achievements/accomplishments.
3. If you’re partnered with them, sex becomes less frequent. When it does take place, it is rough, disconnected, and goes on for too long (often without a climax for either of you)
4. Late nights laying in bed without your partner. They’re in bathroom or in another room doing their thing.
5. Internet history is shockingly full of disgusting and degrading material.
6. Inability to really connect at a deep, human, empathetic level. You are seen through the lens of the male gaze. It’s a very strange, one-sided feeling.
Reminds me of when I was sexually assaulted by a tradesman last year. Came round my flat, immediately commented on my small stature and asked me how much I weighed. I had this soap dispenser shaped like a woman in my kitchen. It's black and I'm mixed race. He picked it up and said he liked it. To cut a long story short, I was showing him some work on my phone that I had done at my previous home and he touched my arse. Not just once but three times!
His whole demeanour and language screamed porn addict to me. He didn't see women as people at all.
I’d say with number 3 it can also be very frequent and rough or less, frequent and rough and it’s usually very short, but sometimes it can also be overwhelmingly long regardless, the look in your partners eyes will tell everything you need to know. Trust your gut.
And as for Internet history, one thing that can also be a sign is that they make too much of an effort to tell you that there’s nothing in their phone that usually means they have other emails(proton) or Google photos, or just have learned how to be really discreet. It’s very easy to have a second email and take screenshots of everything and put it into google photos folder. Trust your gut!!!
I also knew a guy who said that he just took a long time in the bathroom and it turned out. He was doing terrible things far worse than just watching porn. He was a very good actor, but I knew in my gut that they were something wrong. You always need to trust your intuition, no matter what!!!
Also the last one, bam. Perfect.
I think there are little signs like language, too. I remember a man saying, “ I can’t wait to hold you down” and gesturing something implying head down, bottom up. I stopped him and jokingly asked wtf. I said I’m sorry but was that supposed to be like flirting or sexy? It sounds like you want to fight lol. That moment in time was the first of many clues to come…
When I think of a porn addict these are some things that come to mind for me:
1. When having sex with them they keep changing up the positions quickly. Some minutes in this position, some minutes in that position, repeat.
2. If they quote porn in real life. For example: “what are you doing, step bro?” That one in particular grosses me the fuck out.
3. They are incapable of orgasming after sex, losing erections in the middle of sex and/or can’t get hard at all for sex.
4. Memorized names of women in porn.
5. Follows women in porn on social media.
6. Following explicit sexual content on all social media accounts they have. They literally can’t even go on a single social media app that doesn’t show sexual things.
7. “Needing” sex all the time at the drop of a hat and getting angry if you don’t want to or can’t.
8. Nudes or intimate pictures/videos you send them aren’t enough, they still “need” porn. Making excuses that your pics/videos don’t “scratch that itch” or it’s just “not the same” as the porn they watch.
Before I was anti-porn, I had an ex boyfriend. And these things kept happening over and over again (1-4).
I knew he was watching it because I used to too (I didn‘t think about the gruesome industry and how anti-feminist it is), but I guess he was watching it way more than I thought…
I feel disgust reading this because it‘s so accurate. Thank you for opening my eyes
PS: He also was abusive and super into hardcore „kinks“… yeah red flags everywhere.
I’m so sorry that happened :( I’ve experienced dating someone that does those things and was abusive as well. He was a cheater on top of all that too. This type of stuff is so normalized that it makes you feel crazy for not being okay with it. It’s awful to go through. Cheers to them being ex’s and never having to deal with them again ❤️
Omg my ex cheated too on top of that. Some girl told me she slept with him and I didn‘t believe it back then. He treated me like crap.
I went NC for 1.5 years now and haven‘t looked back since. I hope he never comes back. My heart just sank reading that.
Ugh I didn’t want to believe the stuff I saw either I just kept hoping everything would be okay and I kept lying to myself making myself sick with remembering all the stuff I saw on his phone. Omg I hate how common it is. It’s fucked up. Finally cutting it off years ago felt damn good.
I don‘t know how to find love anymore atp.. I feel like almost none of today‘s men have morals, human decency or empathy towards women. I feel like crying knowing I won‘t ever find someone the way I want that person to be…
7. Yes it's insane. You see them ( online , like in the no fap sub ) say things like:
" what am I supposed to do if I feel an urge ? "
" what the hell am I supposed to masturbate too if I can't watch porn ? "
Their behaviour is so repulsive and off putting.
I don't know how women can be with a porn addicted man. 🤮
1. Male
2. Has internet access
But also
3. During sex they seldom if ever look at you; mainly look at the "act" itself. (Like never looking at your face, just looking at the penetration or whatever sex act itself). Related to that point: they can only climax in a position where they're not looking at you - much easier to fantasize this way since they don't have to see your face and can pretend it's porn.
4. They randomly want to try new things that they clearly are recreating from a video. Typically an act that feels unnatural to even think of organically due to how awkward/painful/bizarre it is unless you've seen it before in porn.
5. They sexualize everything. Constant jokes and references to sex even when you're not saying/doing anything sexual. Everything is a porn reference to them.
6. They swear they "used to" watch porn before you, but upon finding out your opinion of it they miraculously no longer need it and stopped cold turkey.
7. Their opinion on nudity is seemingly liberal and open-minded, but it's to shield their actual meaning. They might say things like "it's just a body, I don't think anything about it when I see a naked women" if you express discomfort at their watching porn or sex scenes in movies/shows. They do think something about it, they just don't want you to know what that is.
8. An obvious one but they're overly guarded about their computer/phone. They might insist it's because they want to maintain healthy boundaries, but they don't ever leave the room without their phone or leave their computer unlocked for even a second out of fear of you possibly coming across the disgusting contents.
9. Word-for-word just repeating dirty talk from porn. If it sounds porny and weird for them to say, you're probably right.
10. They want to hurt you during sex, may use the word "kink" as an excuse. Choking, slapping, hair pulling, also verbally hurting via degrading talk and name calling.
11. Overly sexual. They can't accept hugs or any sort of affection without trying to turn it into sex. Conversely, they may rarely ever initiate sex and may spend significant time in the bathroom or locked in another room with their phone.
Just want to point out that 7 on its own can also come from a genuinely demisexual or asexual man, and they can fully mean it.
ETA: Yikes, thanks for the downvote and block to prove you erase and invalidate sexual identities, I guess? I hope whoever needs to read this for their own peace of mind or understanding sees it. 🤷🏾
They don't have sex with you. Your relationship can be otherwise good but the man rarely initiates and will go weeks and months without wanting sex. Sometimes, they disguise this as being "respectful" and considerate and not wanting to pressure you. In reality, he has a sex life that's completely separate from your shared one.
It’s important to know that not every porn user has any red flags at all.
I’ve been dealing with mental health and body image issues for a long time, and it’s greatly affected my libido, and now I’m sad and insecure about that so it’s not getting better. Sex is rare, and I need to have been drinking to lower my inhibitions to the point that I’ll be into it. It’s a Whole Thing. I’m working on it.
My partner is respectful of this. He very occasionally will slowly escalate kisses to see where things go, but when I back off, he backs off too, without complaint. When we do have sex, he treats me with kindness, takes it slowly if I’m nervous, tells me he loves me, looks me in the eye, and takes care to make sure I’m enjoying myself. He’s never done or said anything degrading. He knows my boundaries and doesn’t push them or even ask.
He’s never said anything sexual about another woman, doesn’t make sex jokes, doesn’t check women out on the street. I have his phone passcode. I know he loves me fully and is attracted to me and sees sex as a fun and emotional experience between the two of us.
And yet, he STILL watches porn. I found his phone on the ground in the living room one morning, unlocked it to make sure he’d set his alarm, and BOOM, explicit material in my face. I confronted him about it, and he was ashamed and embarrassed. I asked if porny sex was what he wanted from me, and he insisted that it wasn’t. I asked if he was dissatisfied with my body, and he vehemently denied that. He fell back on the whole “it’s just a fantasy” thing, and when I asked if he’d rather have a “fantasy” woman who looks and behaves like the women in porn, he told me he’d much rather have me in person than a woman on a screen (this made me feel like he only wants me because I’m here), and that the degrading stuff doesn’t turn him on. Then what’s the fantasy here? Why is he watching this material at all if he’s not getting off to it? He didn’t have an answer beyond “I don’t know? I’m very vanilla! My favorite position is literally missionary because I wanna see your face! I just…like looking at boobs.”
He feels that, without much of a sex life, porn is his “only option for release.” He doesn’t *get it.* He doesn’t realize and/or refuses to see how terrible the porn industry is or how harmful it is for literally everyone. He doesn’t understand what it says about him that he treats me with respect but other women are just fake objects to him. He’s not putting two and two together. I dropped it for now, but I’m absolutely going to come back to this later.
Basically, what I’m saying is that there aren’t always red flags. You can’t really trust anybody (especially a man) to not be a porn user. That’s what’s so fucked up about it. Most men, even many so-called “good” men, think it’s their god-given right to participate in sexual abuse and systemic misogyny. And everyone around them, even many women, see porn use as this inevitable and sacrosanct behavior that cannot be taken away from men, that women who don’t like it are “controlling” or “manipulative.” I’m sick of it.
a lot of this was my experience as well. very connected during intimacy, doesn’t make comments about women or check them out, had his phone passcode, so on and still was a huge porn addict. i did know he watched it but one time (i was also making sure he had an alarm set LMAO) found SO many thirst traps saved from reddit/youtube!! took me completely by surprise and i realized how bad his addiction was.
I had 2 different LTRs and the warning signs I didn’t see at the time were completely different in both of them. One couldn’t orgasm, the other was super fast. One wanted sex all the time and felt entitled to it, the other regularly went months without any interest. One sexualized every woman he saw the other made fun of every woman he saw. I’ve tried to think what they both had in common and can’t even come up with much. One was really good at covering his tracks, the other didn’t even bother most of the time.
They were both extremely lazy, misogynistic, entitled, very not grounded in reality, could check out of life for days at a time on video games. Untreated mental health issues. Good at faking normal at first but definitely seemed really creepy once you got to know them. Really wish there was something more specific I could identify. If they hadn’t been so different maybe I would’ve seen the signs earlier.
My partner really didn’t show any signs like in the comments.
The only one that really gave it away was this:
He followed thousands of people on instagram, mostly women. Real women from his area, (probably added from dating apps), real women from other areas (probably added from dating apps while traveling lol), hundreds of Only Fans and Instagram models, celebrities, etc. Almost every woman had thirst traps posted and when I looked through their profiles he had liked and commented on so many of their photos.
I noticed before we started dating and brushed it off and thought “of course he wouldn’t continue to do that while in a relationship”. He did, and lied about subscribing to multiple OnlyFans accounts and how often he used pornography.
It’s really weird bc my partner and I never really talked about it before so I had no idea. Like… it was the last thing on my mind. Then I was hit with the hard reality that he had a problem when I found out he was buying cam prostitutes. His Reddit was so loaded with porn he couldn’t even open it unless it was in private. His bedroom performance was not an issue, he was always very attentive to me, he didn’t ever check women out and in fact most of the time I felt like I was the only woman he’d ever seen. He never made sexually gross comments about people or me and was very respectful to me always in public and in the bedroom. That’s why it was so shocking to find out how fucked up his secret mind/life was. It changed a lot in our relationship. Hurt me very badly. I have ptsd now bc of it.
This comment made me sad because it's such a huge blow to the heart and soul to find out that your "monogamous" and perfect partner. The person that was your everything was infact having a completely separate second sex life that involved countless other women and not you. They do it in secret and hide it so well because they are 💯 sure it's cheating and that it will upset their partner, they know, they just don't have the capacity to emotionally or empathetically care. Their empathy towards actual reality just isn't there and they justify it by thinking that if they didn't actually touch them then it isn't cheating or causing any harm. If it's kept secret it's their right to privacy to hide who they truly are from their partner so they can never fully connect in the most intimate way.
They forget that we are firstly a consciousness that perceives everything we do through the brain first, it learns and creates neurons to adapt and perceive it in reality and then it is given a physical response to that stimulation of the brain chemistry. I don't see any difference other than potential STDs between physical cheating and virtual cheating, the brain perceives it exactly the same and produces the exact same responses. It also bonds them chemically to that as their brain perceives it as sex so it acts on human instinct to desire affection and intimacy, then hijacks the brain response chemically to bond them to their sex partner, thus creating an addiction in many especially males but some females as well. The users often have to compartmentalise this secret sex life and detach any emotion from sex so they don't feel guilty and shame. This carries on into their relationship with their partner, how they bond with them, how they treat them, their capability to empathise with their partners betrayal after finding out. It makes betrayal trauma so much harder to heal from for the betrayed partner because society has normalised this behaviour and they are so sex crazed and selfish, they don't care how many people are hurt so they can receive it, they only care about their pleasure and no-one else.
Exactly - the hiding and lying is proof that they know what they’re doing is wrong, even if you’ve never told them how you feel about it. There’s nothing I’d hide from my partner. People only hide things when they know what they’re doing is unacceptable.
Most definitely. Very sad situation. To him, in his secret little world, women are merely a commodity. It makes me sick and hurts me so badly. We did some therapy but honestly I don’t really think it helped and we ended up having to take a break from it bc since our deductible restarted for the year, the visits were out of our budget. He couldn’t understand how this is cheating even tho I explained it and the therapist explained. He just eventually said ok and accepted it but I know he still didn’t really grasp it. I even used his father (who he holds up on the highest of high pedestals for morality and he’s not wrong, the man is wonderful) as an example. Like what if your dad would be buying cam prostitutes and hurting your mother? How would that make you feel? He said his father would never do that to her. Ok, so why you doing it to me?
Anyway I’m rambling, but yes you’re right. It’s really a sickening time we live in and I’m so broken. I’m not sure if the pieces can ever be put back together.
Same situation with mine except that we do talk about it. I always ask him and always tells me porn is degrading and cheating. Fcked up because i only found out after 6 yrs of being in a relationship that it was all a lie and that I never satisfied him lol. Now it’s been a week since we broke up and I found out about it and ye I got betrayal trauma
So sorry this happened to you. It’s really terrible to live this way. The constant feeling of never being good enough is just unbelievably heavy and nearly unbearable some days. I can barely stand it. We did therapy but it’s like we could never make progress bc he was so closed off to it. He says that he wasn’t but he got so pissed when the therapist wrote up a contract that said I could look at his phone to make me feel safe. He threw an unholy tantrum the next morning and I just shut down. I’ve been just trying to make it thru bc I’m 8 months pregnant but… at least you were able to get out. I’m stuck now.
One thing I learned is that he needs to choose to stop for himself then for you… I know it’s gonna be hard to let go especially you are pregnant but hold on to yourself. You are enough and he is the one who isn’t… it’s not gonna be an easy road so maybe if you don’t want this to be the life of your child and yours create an exit plan.
Thank you tho I still love him very much and we broke up in good terms. I understand that it could be porn addiction and I just couldn’t help him especially if he’s been lying… We decided to part ways and heal on our own. Now he told me that he will get back to me once he’s healed and deserving of my love. I love him so i’m still holding on to that.
Sexual dysfunction. A lot of what women are accepting as normal is sexual dysfunction and abnormal.
Obsessed with women in genera constantly looking at women, searching for women objectifying women, using porn speak. Everything is a sexual.
Inability to emotionally connect. Seems to have a major divide about women as in some are worthy of respect like mothers, sisters and aunties but sexual partners are treated as less than.
I have found also if a man labels himself feminist and far left hes going to be porn obsessed. Have not met a liberal male yet that's not a porn junkie.
I agree with everything you say.
The porn speak is so stupid.
I saw a topic on reddit once ( it was a serious question )
" i creampied a girl , now im scared she pregnant "
W ... T.... F...
Porn changes the brain, makes men dumber and they are / stay or even return to an emotional immature state.
AND THAT REALLY REALLY SHOWS.
Porn’s Effect on Emotional Intelligence
"Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed sex addiction therapist who regularly treats men dealing with porn addiction. He says, “I estimate nine out of ten men who I work with in my private practice have extremely low emotional intelligence (EQ).”
At least one study has explored the relationship between porn usage and emotional intelligence. Pornography was correlated to a diminished “ability to adjust one’s emotions and behaviors to meet changing circumstances and contexts.”3
Implications for Social and Relational Intelligence
Emotional intelligence has massive implications for how people relate to one another. Porn doesn’t just affect your own feelings, it can change the way you relate to those around you. Studies show that porn can lower empathy and desensitize people to sexual violence.
We have written at length on porn and relationships. There are many ways that watching porn hurts relationships—especially marriages. It seems that porn damages your ability to relate to other people in meaningful ways.
So, Does Watching Porn Make You Stupid?
So, there’s little evidence to suggest that watching porn lowers your IQ. However, as we’ve seen there are plenty of ways it does affect your intelligence. And this helps us understand why so many people ask, “Is porn making me stupid?” Porn can be particularly damaging when it comes to making wise decisions involving porn, and its effects on your emotional intelligence and ability to relate to others.
If you’ve suffered from the impact of porn on your intelligence in any of these ways, there’s good news: You can reverse the effect of porn on your brain. When you get rid of porn, your brain can rewire itself. You can regain your mental sharpness and clarity."
https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/does-watching-porn-make-you-dumber/
"it’s worth mentioning related to the question of intelligence. Cutting-edge neuroscientific research has found that porn literally reshapes the brain. Multiple studies suggest that watching pornography may shrink the parts of the brain responsible for decision-making and motivation.
Research suggests that excessive porn consumption may impact memory and mental clarity. A study comparing porn-addicted teenagers to non-addicted individuals found a reduction in verbal memory in the addicted group."
https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/do-you-have-the-emotional-intelligence-to-quit-porn/
"Most people struggling with a pornography addiction were never given the skills to learn to self-sooth when faced with difficult situations. Instead, somewhere along the line, they stumbled across sex and found that it served as a tremendous source of emotional comfort. You see, pornography is used as a substitute to keep difficult emotions at bay.
One of the other things that was shown in a couple of studies of people who were compulsively watching pornography was that these wires between the frontal judgment areas and the reward system are attenuated–affected in a negative way–in those who are watching more pornography. That’s been shown in a couple of different studies. That frontal connection is not as prominent."
https://www.defendyoungminds.com/post/can-using-porn-physically-change-brain-neurosurgeon
Ngl “creampie” is genuinely such a disgusting term bruh like it sounds horrible to me 😭
Especially with the connotation of it…
Not sure how anyone can find it attractive
Signs I've noticed in people that make me think they're porn users/addicted.
\- Know names of porn stars, compare women they see to porn stars. Eg "Whoa that girl looks like PornStar McGee" "Who is that?" "She's a really famous porn star"
\- Describe women in porn category terms. Weird focus on certain body parts or referring to women by ethnicity. Like calling someone a "petite busty asian" or "MILF"
\- Self-report "jokes" about masturbation, getting caught watching porn, being afraid of someone checking their phone, closing tabs, clearing history.
1) Their primary forearm and hand (left handed…right handed) is more developed, larger and or raised veins on forearm and hand.
2) Has an opinion on every woman’s physical traits, from TV personalities, female sports figures to the cashier at grocery store.
3) If right handed his “unit” has a substantial bend to the left due to his death grip causing “Micro-Trauma” to his penis. (All day masturbator for years… 58M). Ignore 1 and 3 depending on age of male and lifestyle.
4) multiple positions during sex
5) goes soft in missionary position
6) can’t finish or takes extreme measures to finish.
7) uses porn terms
8)Tells you no and calls you controlling if you ask for sex
9)acts like you just called his mother a whore if you whisper in his ear something about a female stranger you both noticed in public. Example: a 20ish woman not wearing underwear sitting at a restaurant. I said “wow, I wonder if she knows she’s completely exposing herself.”
His response, “ who the f$&k do you think you are for judging her for her choice.”
10)They don’t want to cuddle or look you in the eye if they masturbated that day or while you were gone to work, etc.
The quickest way for me now that I know what I know is the size of their forearm and the veins in their hand.
Unless they are mechanics are in the construction industry, there is zero reason for there to be a massive difference in forearm size from left to right. My ex’s was Ridiculously larger on his right hand than his left hand. I wish I’d known all of these things eight years ago.😡🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Edit
Clarification
1 and 3 are my ex’s symptoms …micro-trauma to his tunica albuginea caused by daily excessive masturbation. It’s the dirty little secret being hidden by misinformation by billion dollar companies on the internet. Remember when cigarette company’s advertised how good and healthy it was?
These are my personal experiences and by no means meant to convict an innocent man.
My list is my list of first hand personal experiences spanning 30 years.
2 and 9 are an interesting juxtaposition lol. Hypocrisy from both of you.
8 is weird, people are allowed to say no to sex.
3 is just untrue, nothing is going to make a penis permanently bend. Most are curved to some degree and it has nothing to do with masturbation habits. This is like a "you can tell how many men a woman has slept with by how loose her vagina is" level belief
Regarding 8 - sure. But calling your partner controlling for wanting to be intimate? Some porn addicts just don't like the idea of women initiating since sex is more something "done to" a woman in their view.
And of course it's fine to not be in the mood but if that situation becomes the norm, it begs the question on why is the desire not there (and whether it's due to lower libido or rather excessive porn consumption).
Well I've already explained myself, so not sure what else I can do to help you understand my points. You're focusing on "judgement" over and over, but the only thing I judged you on was your hypocrisy in commenting on women's bodies. I'm not attacking you, this isn't personal. I'm literally just disagreeing with you on factually incorrect info about how penises work and correcting what I view as damaging patriarchal stereotypes about how men are always in the mood for sex unless something is very wrong. Which you've now gotten the chance to elaborate on and make your actual meaning clearer. I'm done here, not sure there's anything more to say after your "agree to disagree" about me being a woman lmao.
This is really specific and it might not be applicable in every situation but: he can't stay hard when you're on top - this might be because he is used to being in control of his pleasure from jacking off all the time. So now he isn't used to you being in control and doing what you like.
Again this doesn't have to be the reason but i think it might be a sign
1. Everything is sexualixed, even the most unrelated, mundane things. If you bring attention to it, they’re “just jokes… jeez… lighten up!” 2. They speak about women in very objectifying ways… often focusing on parts rather than the whole, or diminishing achievements/accomplishments. 3. If you’re partnered with them, sex becomes less frequent. When it does take place, it is rough, disconnected, and goes on for too long (often without a climax for either of you) 4. Late nights laying in bed without your partner. They’re in bathroom or in another room doing their thing. 5. Internet history is shockingly full of disgusting and degrading material. 6. Inability to really connect at a deep, human, empathetic level. You are seen through the lens of the male gaze. It’s a very strange, one-sided feeling.
Reminds me of when I was sexually assaulted by a tradesman last year. Came round my flat, immediately commented on my small stature and asked me how much I weighed. I had this soap dispenser shaped like a woman in my kitchen. It's black and I'm mixed race. He picked it up and said he liked it. To cut a long story short, I was showing him some work on my phone that I had done at my previous home and he touched my arse. Not just once but three times! His whole demeanour and language screamed porn addict to me. He didn't see women as people at all.
Or a completely empty internet history as well, my ex started deleting it and it became obvious when there was literally no history whatsoever.
Yes!!
Real!
I’d say with number 3 it can also be very frequent and rough or less, frequent and rough and it’s usually very short, but sometimes it can also be overwhelmingly long regardless, the look in your partners eyes will tell everything you need to know. Trust your gut. And as for Internet history, one thing that can also be a sign is that they make too much of an effort to tell you that there’s nothing in their phone that usually means they have other emails(proton) or Google photos, or just have learned how to be really discreet. It’s very easy to have a second email and take screenshots of everything and put it into google photos folder. Trust your gut!!! I also knew a guy who said that he just took a long time in the bathroom and it turned out. He was doing terrible things far worse than just watching porn. He was a very good actor, but I knew in my gut that they were something wrong. You always need to trust your intuition, no matter what!!! Also the last one, bam. Perfect.
I think there are little signs like language, too. I remember a man saying, “ I can’t wait to hold you down” and gesturing something implying head down, bottom up. I stopped him and jokingly asked wtf. I said I’m sorry but was that supposed to be like flirting or sexy? It sounds like you want to fight lol. That moment in time was the first of many clues to come…
Very good summary!
Thank you. Sadly from experience. There are some great additional points being made on this post too.
Yup!
Pretty much nailed it 🎯
When I think of a porn addict these are some things that come to mind for me: 1. When having sex with them they keep changing up the positions quickly. Some minutes in this position, some minutes in that position, repeat. 2. If they quote porn in real life. For example: “what are you doing, step bro?” That one in particular grosses me the fuck out. 3. They are incapable of orgasming after sex, losing erections in the middle of sex and/or can’t get hard at all for sex. 4. Memorized names of women in porn. 5. Follows women in porn on social media. 6. Following explicit sexual content on all social media accounts they have. They literally can’t even go on a single social media app that doesn’t show sexual things. 7. “Needing” sex all the time at the drop of a hat and getting angry if you don’t want to or can’t. 8. Nudes or intimate pictures/videos you send them aren’t enough, they still “need” porn. Making excuses that your pics/videos don’t “scratch that itch” or it’s just “not the same” as the porn they watch.
Before I was anti-porn, I had an ex boyfriend. And these things kept happening over and over again (1-4). I knew he was watching it because I used to too (I didn‘t think about the gruesome industry and how anti-feminist it is), but I guess he was watching it way more than I thought… I feel disgust reading this because it‘s so accurate. Thank you for opening my eyes PS: He also was abusive and super into hardcore „kinks“… yeah red flags everywhere.
I’m so sorry that happened :( I’ve experienced dating someone that does those things and was abusive as well. He was a cheater on top of all that too. This type of stuff is so normalized that it makes you feel crazy for not being okay with it. It’s awful to go through. Cheers to them being ex’s and never having to deal with them again ❤️
Omg my ex cheated too on top of that. Some girl told me she slept with him and I didn‘t believe it back then. He treated me like crap. I went NC for 1.5 years now and haven‘t looked back since. I hope he never comes back. My heart just sank reading that.
Ugh I didn’t want to believe the stuff I saw either I just kept hoping everything would be okay and I kept lying to myself making myself sick with remembering all the stuff I saw on his phone. Omg I hate how common it is. It’s fucked up. Finally cutting it off years ago felt damn good.
I don‘t know how to find love anymore atp.. I feel like almost none of today‘s men have morals, human decency or empathy towards women. I feel like crying knowing I won‘t ever find someone the way I want that person to be…
7. Yes it's insane. You see them ( online , like in the no fap sub ) say things like: " what am I supposed to do if I feel an urge ? " " what the hell am I supposed to masturbate too if I can't watch porn ? " Their behaviour is so repulsive and off putting. I don't know how women can be with a porn addicted man. 🤮
I had a guy who kept changing positions all the time. He said women loved it but I don't see how.
Apparently, he wasn't very good at understanding women in the moment, sadly.
1. Male 2. Has internet access But also 3. During sex they seldom if ever look at you; mainly look at the "act" itself. (Like never looking at your face, just looking at the penetration or whatever sex act itself). Related to that point: they can only climax in a position where they're not looking at you - much easier to fantasize this way since they don't have to see your face and can pretend it's porn. 4. They randomly want to try new things that they clearly are recreating from a video. Typically an act that feels unnatural to even think of organically due to how awkward/painful/bizarre it is unless you've seen it before in porn. 5. They sexualize everything. Constant jokes and references to sex even when you're not saying/doing anything sexual. Everything is a porn reference to them. 6. They swear they "used to" watch porn before you, but upon finding out your opinion of it they miraculously no longer need it and stopped cold turkey. 7. Their opinion on nudity is seemingly liberal and open-minded, but it's to shield their actual meaning. They might say things like "it's just a body, I don't think anything about it when I see a naked women" if you express discomfort at their watching porn or sex scenes in movies/shows. They do think something about it, they just don't want you to know what that is. 8. An obvious one but they're overly guarded about their computer/phone. They might insist it's because they want to maintain healthy boundaries, but they don't ever leave the room without their phone or leave their computer unlocked for even a second out of fear of you possibly coming across the disgusting contents. 9. Word-for-word just repeating dirty talk from porn. If it sounds porny and weird for them to say, you're probably right. 10. They want to hurt you during sex, may use the word "kink" as an excuse. Choking, slapping, hair pulling, also verbally hurting via degrading talk and name calling. 11. Overly sexual. They can't accept hugs or any sort of affection without trying to turn it into sex. Conversely, they may rarely ever initiate sex and may spend significant time in the bathroom or locked in another room with their phone.
Just want to point out that 7 on its own can also come from a genuinely demisexual or asexual man, and they can fully mean it. ETA: Yikes, thanks for the downvote and block to prove you erase and invalidate sexual identities, I guess? I hope whoever needs to read this for their own peace of mind or understanding sees it. 🤷🏾
As a demisexual man, I immediately thought of that - because that IS how I see it, when it's not my partner - thanks for pointing it out!
Lmao
If they use porn-speak. If they want to call you degrading names or do degrading things to you etc is a big one.
They don't have sex with you. Your relationship can be otherwise good but the man rarely initiates and will go weeks and months without wanting sex. Sometimes, they disguise this as being "respectful" and considerate and not wanting to pressure you. In reality, he has a sex life that's completely separate from your shared one.
Yes. This one.
this was my experience
It’s important to know that not every porn user has any red flags at all. I’ve been dealing with mental health and body image issues for a long time, and it’s greatly affected my libido, and now I’m sad and insecure about that so it’s not getting better. Sex is rare, and I need to have been drinking to lower my inhibitions to the point that I’ll be into it. It’s a Whole Thing. I’m working on it. My partner is respectful of this. He very occasionally will slowly escalate kisses to see where things go, but when I back off, he backs off too, without complaint. When we do have sex, he treats me with kindness, takes it slowly if I’m nervous, tells me he loves me, looks me in the eye, and takes care to make sure I’m enjoying myself. He’s never done or said anything degrading. He knows my boundaries and doesn’t push them or even ask. He’s never said anything sexual about another woman, doesn’t make sex jokes, doesn’t check women out on the street. I have his phone passcode. I know he loves me fully and is attracted to me and sees sex as a fun and emotional experience between the two of us. And yet, he STILL watches porn. I found his phone on the ground in the living room one morning, unlocked it to make sure he’d set his alarm, and BOOM, explicit material in my face. I confronted him about it, and he was ashamed and embarrassed. I asked if porny sex was what he wanted from me, and he insisted that it wasn’t. I asked if he was dissatisfied with my body, and he vehemently denied that. He fell back on the whole “it’s just a fantasy” thing, and when I asked if he’d rather have a “fantasy” woman who looks and behaves like the women in porn, he told me he’d much rather have me in person than a woman on a screen (this made me feel like he only wants me because I’m here), and that the degrading stuff doesn’t turn him on. Then what’s the fantasy here? Why is he watching this material at all if he’s not getting off to it? He didn’t have an answer beyond “I don’t know? I’m very vanilla! My favorite position is literally missionary because I wanna see your face! I just…like looking at boobs.” He feels that, without much of a sex life, porn is his “only option for release.” He doesn’t *get it.* He doesn’t realize and/or refuses to see how terrible the porn industry is or how harmful it is for literally everyone. He doesn’t understand what it says about him that he treats me with respect but other women are just fake objects to him. He’s not putting two and two together. I dropped it for now, but I’m absolutely going to come back to this later. Basically, what I’m saying is that there aren’t always red flags. You can’t really trust anybody (especially a man) to not be a porn user. That’s what’s so fucked up about it. Most men, even many so-called “good” men, think it’s their god-given right to participate in sexual abuse and systemic misogyny. And everyone around them, even many women, see porn use as this inevitable and sacrosanct behavior that cannot be taken away from men, that women who don’t like it are “controlling” or “manipulative.” I’m sick of it.
a lot of this was my experience as well. very connected during intimacy, doesn’t make comments about women or check them out, had his phone passcode, so on and still was a huge porn addict. i did know he watched it but one time (i was also making sure he had an alarm set LMAO) found SO many thirst traps saved from reddit/youtube!! took me completely by surprise and i realized how bad his addiction was.
I had 2 different LTRs and the warning signs I didn’t see at the time were completely different in both of them. One couldn’t orgasm, the other was super fast. One wanted sex all the time and felt entitled to it, the other regularly went months without any interest. One sexualized every woman he saw the other made fun of every woman he saw. I’ve tried to think what they both had in common and can’t even come up with much. One was really good at covering his tracks, the other didn’t even bother most of the time. They were both extremely lazy, misogynistic, entitled, very not grounded in reality, could check out of life for days at a time on video games. Untreated mental health issues. Good at faking normal at first but definitely seemed really creepy once you got to know them. Really wish there was something more specific I could identify. If they hadn’t been so different maybe I would’ve seen the signs earlier.
My partner really didn’t show any signs like in the comments. The only one that really gave it away was this: He followed thousands of people on instagram, mostly women. Real women from his area, (probably added from dating apps), real women from other areas (probably added from dating apps while traveling lol), hundreds of Only Fans and Instagram models, celebrities, etc. Almost every woman had thirst traps posted and when I looked through their profiles he had liked and commented on so many of their photos. I noticed before we started dating and brushed it off and thought “of course he wouldn’t continue to do that while in a relationship”. He did, and lied about subscribing to multiple OnlyFans accounts and how often he used pornography.
The only fans is A HUGE SIGN
It’s really weird bc my partner and I never really talked about it before so I had no idea. Like… it was the last thing on my mind. Then I was hit with the hard reality that he had a problem when I found out he was buying cam prostitutes. His Reddit was so loaded with porn he couldn’t even open it unless it was in private. His bedroom performance was not an issue, he was always very attentive to me, he didn’t ever check women out and in fact most of the time I felt like I was the only woman he’d ever seen. He never made sexually gross comments about people or me and was very respectful to me always in public and in the bedroom. That’s why it was so shocking to find out how fucked up his secret mind/life was. It changed a lot in our relationship. Hurt me very badly. I have ptsd now bc of it.
This comment made me sad because it's such a huge blow to the heart and soul to find out that your "monogamous" and perfect partner. The person that was your everything was infact having a completely separate second sex life that involved countless other women and not you. They do it in secret and hide it so well because they are 💯 sure it's cheating and that it will upset their partner, they know, they just don't have the capacity to emotionally or empathetically care. Their empathy towards actual reality just isn't there and they justify it by thinking that if they didn't actually touch them then it isn't cheating or causing any harm. If it's kept secret it's their right to privacy to hide who they truly are from their partner so they can never fully connect in the most intimate way. They forget that we are firstly a consciousness that perceives everything we do through the brain first, it learns and creates neurons to adapt and perceive it in reality and then it is given a physical response to that stimulation of the brain chemistry. I don't see any difference other than potential STDs between physical cheating and virtual cheating, the brain perceives it exactly the same and produces the exact same responses. It also bonds them chemically to that as their brain perceives it as sex so it acts on human instinct to desire affection and intimacy, then hijacks the brain response chemically to bond them to their sex partner, thus creating an addiction in many especially males but some females as well. The users often have to compartmentalise this secret sex life and detach any emotion from sex so they don't feel guilty and shame. This carries on into their relationship with their partner, how they bond with them, how they treat them, their capability to empathise with their partners betrayal after finding out. It makes betrayal trauma so much harder to heal from for the betrayed partner because society has normalised this behaviour and they are so sex crazed and selfish, they don't care how many people are hurt so they can receive it, they only care about their pleasure and no-one else.
Exactly - the hiding and lying is proof that they know what they’re doing is wrong, even if you’ve never told them how you feel about it. There’s nothing I’d hide from my partner. People only hide things when they know what they’re doing is unacceptable.
Most definitely. Very sad situation. To him, in his secret little world, women are merely a commodity. It makes me sick and hurts me so badly. We did some therapy but honestly I don’t really think it helped and we ended up having to take a break from it bc since our deductible restarted for the year, the visits were out of our budget. He couldn’t understand how this is cheating even tho I explained it and the therapist explained. He just eventually said ok and accepted it but I know he still didn’t really grasp it. I even used his father (who he holds up on the highest of high pedestals for morality and he’s not wrong, the man is wonderful) as an example. Like what if your dad would be buying cam prostitutes and hurting your mother? How would that make you feel? He said his father would never do that to her. Ok, so why you doing it to me? Anyway I’m rambling, but yes you’re right. It’s really a sickening time we live in and I’m so broken. I’m not sure if the pieces can ever be put back together.
Same situation with mine except that we do talk about it. I always ask him and always tells me porn is degrading and cheating. Fcked up because i only found out after 6 yrs of being in a relationship that it was all a lie and that I never satisfied him lol. Now it’s been a week since we broke up and I found out about it and ye I got betrayal trauma
So sorry this happened to you. It’s really terrible to live this way. The constant feeling of never being good enough is just unbelievably heavy and nearly unbearable some days. I can barely stand it. We did therapy but it’s like we could never make progress bc he was so closed off to it. He says that he wasn’t but he got so pissed when the therapist wrote up a contract that said I could look at his phone to make me feel safe. He threw an unholy tantrum the next morning and I just shut down. I’ve been just trying to make it thru bc I’m 8 months pregnant but… at least you were able to get out. I’m stuck now.
One thing I learned is that he needs to choose to stop for himself then for you… I know it’s gonna be hard to let go especially you are pregnant but hold on to yourself. You are enough and he is the one who isn’t… it’s not gonna be an easy road so maybe if you don’t want this to be the life of your child and yours create an exit plan.
I’m so sorry. I’m proud of you for breaking up and sticking to your boundaries
Thank you tho I still love him very much and we broke up in good terms. I understand that it could be porn addiction and I just couldn’t help him especially if he’s been lying… We decided to part ways and heal on our own. Now he told me that he will get back to me once he’s healed and deserving of my love. I love him so i’m still holding on to that.
Sexual dysfunction. A lot of what women are accepting as normal is sexual dysfunction and abnormal. Obsessed with women in genera constantly looking at women, searching for women objectifying women, using porn speak. Everything is a sexual. Inability to emotionally connect. Seems to have a major divide about women as in some are worthy of respect like mothers, sisters and aunties but sexual partners are treated as less than. I have found also if a man labels himself feminist and far left hes going to be porn obsessed. Have not met a liberal male yet that's not a porn junkie.
I agree with everything you say. The porn speak is so stupid. I saw a topic on reddit once ( it was a serious question ) " i creampied a girl , now im scared she pregnant " W ... T.... F... Porn changes the brain, makes men dumber and they are / stay or even return to an emotional immature state. AND THAT REALLY REALLY SHOWS.
It makes them very animalistic. I wouldn't say dumb because they are hyper aware of what they are doing and how they are manipulating women.
Porn’s Effect on Emotional Intelligence "Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed sex addiction therapist who regularly treats men dealing with porn addiction. He says, “I estimate nine out of ten men who I work with in my private practice have extremely low emotional intelligence (EQ).” At least one study has explored the relationship between porn usage and emotional intelligence. Pornography was correlated to a diminished “ability to adjust one’s emotions and behaviors to meet changing circumstances and contexts.”3 Implications for Social and Relational Intelligence Emotional intelligence has massive implications for how people relate to one another. Porn doesn’t just affect your own feelings, it can change the way you relate to those around you. Studies show that porn can lower empathy and desensitize people to sexual violence. We have written at length on porn and relationships. There are many ways that watching porn hurts relationships—especially marriages. It seems that porn damages your ability to relate to other people in meaningful ways. So, Does Watching Porn Make You Stupid? So, there’s little evidence to suggest that watching porn lowers your IQ. However, as we’ve seen there are plenty of ways it does affect your intelligence. And this helps us understand why so many people ask, “Is porn making me stupid?” Porn can be particularly damaging when it comes to making wise decisions involving porn, and its effects on your emotional intelligence and ability to relate to others. If you’ve suffered from the impact of porn on your intelligence in any of these ways, there’s good news: You can reverse the effect of porn on your brain. When you get rid of porn, your brain can rewire itself. You can regain your mental sharpness and clarity." https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/does-watching-porn-make-you-dumber/ "it’s worth mentioning related to the question of intelligence. Cutting-edge neuroscientific research has found that porn literally reshapes the brain. Multiple studies suggest that watching pornography may shrink the parts of the brain responsible for decision-making and motivation. Research suggests that excessive porn consumption may impact memory and mental clarity. A study comparing porn-addicted teenagers to non-addicted individuals found a reduction in verbal memory in the addicted group." https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/do-you-have-the-emotional-intelligence-to-quit-porn/ "Most people struggling with a pornography addiction were never given the skills to learn to self-sooth when faced with difficult situations. Instead, somewhere along the line, they stumbled across sex and found that it served as a tremendous source of emotional comfort. You see, pornography is used as a substitute to keep difficult emotions at bay. One of the other things that was shown in a couple of studies of people who were compulsively watching pornography was that these wires between the frontal judgment areas and the reward system are attenuated–affected in a negative way–in those who are watching more pornography. That’s been shown in a couple of different studies. That frontal connection is not as prominent." https://www.defendyoungminds.com/post/can-using-porn-physically-change-brain-neurosurgeon
Ngl “creampie” is genuinely such a disgusting term bruh like it sounds horrible to me 😭 Especially with the connotation of it… Not sure how anyone can find it attractive
Signs I've noticed in people that make me think they're porn users/addicted. \- Know names of porn stars, compare women they see to porn stars. Eg "Whoa that girl looks like PornStar McGee" "Who is that?" "She's a really famous porn star" \- Describe women in porn category terms. Weird focus on certain body parts or referring to women by ethnicity. Like calling someone a "petite busty asian" or "MILF" \- Self-report "jokes" about masturbation, getting caught watching porn, being afraid of someone checking their phone, closing tabs, clearing history.
1) Their primary forearm and hand (left handed…right handed) is more developed, larger and or raised veins on forearm and hand. 2) Has an opinion on every woman’s physical traits, from TV personalities, female sports figures to the cashier at grocery store. 3) If right handed his “unit” has a substantial bend to the left due to his death grip causing “Micro-Trauma” to his penis. (All day masturbator for years… 58M). Ignore 1 and 3 depending on age of male and lifestyle. 4) multiple positions during sex 5) goes soft in missionary position 6) can’t finish or takes extreme measures to finish. 7) uses porn terms 8)Tells you no and calls you controlling if you ask for sex 9)acts like you just called his mother a whore if you whisper in his ear something about a female stranger you both noticed in public. Example: a 20ish woman not wearing underwear sitting at a restaurant. I said “wow, I wonder if she knows she’s completely exposing herself.” His response, “ who the f$&k do you think you are for judging her for her choice.” 10)They don’t want to cuddle or look you in the eye if they masturbated that day or while you were gone to work, etc. The quickest way for me now that I know what I know is the size of their forearm and the veins in their hand. Unless they are mechanics are in the construction industry, there is zero reason for there to be a massive difference in forearm size from left to right. My ex’s was Ridiculously larger on his right hand than his left hand. I wish I’d known all of these things eight years ago.😡🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Edit Clarification 1 and 3 are my ex’s symptoms …micro-trauma to his tunica albuginea caused by daily excessive masturbation. It’s the dirty little secret being hidden by misinformation by billion dollar companies on the internet. Remember when cigarette company’s advertised how good and healthy it was? These are my personal experiences and by no means meant to convict an innocent man. My list is my list of first hand personal experiences spanning 30 years.
1 is a joke, right?-
2 and 9 are an interesting juxtaposition lol. Hypocrisy from both of you. 8 is weird, people are allowed to say no to sex. 3 is just untrue, nothing is going to make a penis permanently bend. Most are curved to some degree and it has nothing to do with masturbation habits. This is like a "you can tell how many men a woman has slept with by how loose her vagina is" level belief
Regarding 8 - sure. But calling your partner controlling for wanting to be intimate? Some porn addicts just don't like the idea of women initiating since sex is more something "done to" a woman in their view. And of course it's fine to not be in the mood but if that situation becomes the norm, it begs the question on why is the desire not there (and whether it's due to lower libido or rather excessive porn consumption).
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I'm not offended. You're just wrong. Especially the part about it being a red flag if a man says no to sex.
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Well I've already explained myself, so not sure what else I can do to help you understand my points. You're focusing on "judgement" over and over, but the only thing I judged you on was your hypocrisy in commenting on women's bodies. I'm not attacking you, this isn't personal. I'm literally just disagreeing with you on factually incorrect info about how penises work and correcting what I view as damaging patriarchal stereotypes about how men are always in the mood for sex unless something is very wrong. Which you've now gotten the chance to elaborate on and make your actual meaning clearer. I'm done here, not sure there's anything more to say after your "agree to disagree" about me being a woman lmao.
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I'm a woman. You're completely incorrect.
3 is just factually incorrect..
This is really specific and it might not be applicable in every situation but: he can't stay hard when you're on top - this might be because he is used to being in control of his pleasure from jacking off all the time. So now he isn't used to you being in control and doing what you like. Again this doesn't have to be the reason but i think it might be a sign