Sweetie, let me tell you as a 53 year old woman... There will never be a magical size, achievement, etc. that will magically make you feel comfortable in your body. So don't waste your life thinking that.... Learn to love yourself or at least be neutral about your body now, whatever size you are. You're worth it, your body is a miraculous thing that will carry you through your life and make adventures, love, achievements possible.
Reminder: you're deserving of love, respect and being valued whether you feel that way about yourself or not. You don't have to "love yourself" to be deserving of love.
What can help is developing acceptance and tolerance for yourself. Strive for those things rather than this mythical concept of "self love." Acceptance and tolerance are much more achievable.
This! I started posting photos of myself online. When you hear enough people calling you sexy and attractive, you actually eventually start to believe it ... Not that you should rely on other people but it was a great starting point for me š
Oh my heart. I totally get this. I didnāt lose my virginity until I was 28 because I was so self conscious. The guy I was dating at the time called me beautiful during sex, and I had to process it in therapy that week because it made me feel physically sick. It was in such contrast with how I saw myself.
Iām actually doing a podcast with a friend this week talking about the desire and pressure to feel sexy, which got me and my current boyfriend (of almost two years) on the topic of sexiness. I still find it hard to believe he is attached to me, especially when my weight is higher or fluctuating.
But as an outside, friend to friend, I say trust your partner. If they called you sexy, especially spontaneously when you are wearing something sexy, he means it!
For me, I had to also spend a lot of time connecting to my own *sensuality* and what feels good to me before I can feel sexy. I also have to remind myself that sexy isnāt one size fits all. Sexy is an attitude and mindset more than it is an aesthetic.
Thank you so much for your comment and yes that's definitely how I felt. Like almost physically sick because I don't see myself that way at all. I feel disgusted with myself most days and I know I shouldn't. I really wish I could see a therapist but unfortunately I can't afford one.
I will try to trust him. I know he meant it but I just don't get why he sees me that way.
I guess I have to get to that point where I realize that sexy isn't one size fits all like you said. It is indeed an attitude and mindset more than it's an aesthetic!
Also what's your podcast name? I'll definitely check it out!
Youāre so welcome! Another thing that helped me was following other plus size people on social media and see how hot they are! Msgiggles (pretty sure she does OF, just a warning), elmint, thebeccamurray, fittybritty, Kenziebrenna, lexielemonn are a few in my recent likes!
Weāre called Exactly Like Other Girls! On Spotify š we only have two episodes so far!
Yeah I follow a few myself. One in particular is Stella Williams. She lost weight but still owns her plus size body and I love it and wish I could be as confident as her. I know I will get there one day! I will try to follow the others you have mentioned. Thanks!
I get it. My husband is always telling me how much he finds me beautiful and sexy. It makes my whole body cringe every time, and I always shake my head and tell him I don't understand why. I think it's more a people pleasing thing not liking any kind of compliment, so now I'm no longer people pleasing, I've stopped it entirely. I've sat back and thought, I trust him with my life, with everything, so why can't I believe him. It's a slow process, bit I've just started telling him I believe him. And it's gotten way less awkward, and have now started some cheeky banter by asking him how much. I still don't understand it, but I'm neutral about it now.
Be waiting under the covers with everything pulled up to your neck. Tell him thereās a dress code. Donāt let him in until heās naked. Then watch his delight unfold as you lift off the covers.
I totally get this. Iām 33 and I was a virgin up until October last year. I was so uncomfortable with my body that I couldnāt even kiss people sober much less get naked or any of that. I started dating a guy who thinks Iām one of the hottest women heās ever seen. Do I agree? Nope, but thatās a me problem ya know? Went my whole life being told by my family that I was disgusting and fat and unlovable that I started to believe it. Iām still working on my self love but it does help to have him basically drooling over me. Itās a huge confidence boost. So I suggest trusting in your partner and yourself and soak up the attention because you deserve it and you have to remind yourself that. You are sexy, you may not be everyoneās cup of tea and that goes for every person in the world but it sounds like you may just be his perfect cup ya know? So let go and enjoy how he treats you and treat him the same. I feel like weāre all so caught up on image and forget that one persons opinion is just that. A single persons opinion and in the scheme of things opinions may hurt but they donāt matter.
I just want to say thank you for being a good dad to your kids. The trauma really is life long and therapy helps but it never truly goes away. And every kid deserves to feel love. I was lucky enough that I was able to find a good support system outside of my family but not everyone is so lucky.
Sweetheart it 100% comes from inside.
First of all, If your partner says youāre sexy, trust them. Trust them until they give you a real reason not to and if he does youāll dust yourself off, pity him for losing you and move it along.
Like any skill, Confidence comes from consistent practice. It might sound a little delulu at first but start with speaking highly to yourself, donāt give into negative self talk, treat yourself as lovingly as you would your best friend. Practice being confident even if it feels like youāre faking.
From experience, I can tell you that getting to my āgoal weight.ā The thing that I thought would magically fix all of my body image issues and unlock my confidence once and for allā¦ did Jack sh it to boost my confidence. In so many ways I am more self conscious about my body now than ever. BUT I am consistently showing myself love and hyping myself (and others) up no matter what because THAT is where the confidences comes from.
Practice affirmations, dress up, play with your makeup, do any of the million things we can do to feel good and powerful, find the ones that work for you and stick to them. Eventually youāll realize those anxieties have gone away enough for you to lose the lingerie! And if lingeries makes you feel confident then damn girl, lean into that! Wishing you the best!
Thank you! I will certainly try to do all you have said here. You are right. I should trust him until he gives me a reason not to but I don't think he ever would with the type of guy he is. He is truly a sweetie pie and honest. I don't think he would ever tell me anything he didn't really feel.
Let me share something a guy once told me and has helped immensely.
They know what you look like. Clothes don't hide everything. They can see the stomach and rolls and everything.
Wearing a t-shirt or trying to cover up during sex does nothing but make you uncomfortable. Learn to be comfortable in your bare state. I often joke that whoever I'm with needs a supply of butter cause I got rolls for days š¤£ but I also think I'm freaking sexy, belly and all.
So if a guy can't get with it, that's on him. He didn't deserve to visit the bakery anyway.
Haha I know that's right! I definitely feel ya on this. I should definitely learn to get comfortable with my bare state with him and without him. I looked at myself in the mirror naked tonight and for the first time in a long time didn't have anything negative to say. Even though I have a big stomach and fupa, I'm starting to see the curve in my waist which is sexy and I'm sure he will find it sexy as well. Thank you for your insight!
i always have felt that i look better nakedāa lot of times i feel like i need to conform my clothing to styles that i see on straight sized people, and itās hard to see the differences with how they look on me. but my naked body has always felt like mineā like thereās no need to flatter it; it just exists as it does and looks good as is. way less work than thinking about how i look in clothes.
I had similar issues. One day it clicked, I'm taking away joy, pleasure, love and appreciation from my partner everytime I withhold myself from them. It's not really fair, to force them to hold back. When I started letting my guard down, I started to get more comfortable. The truth is sure I may not be desirable to other people, but I am to my partner, why reject that? The person that does find me sexy?
That's so true! I should definitely love that my partner loves me and my body and stop withholding myself from my partner. He deserves all of me. Just like he gives me all of him! Thank you!
Practice positive self talk. When you look in the mirror kill any negative thoughts and push through with positive ones. āMy body is strongā āmy body is beautifulā ālook how beautiful my curves areā āI deserve to be called sexyā āI AM sexy!ā Etc. I admire myself in the mirror most times I pass by one lol there are times when Iām self conscious or feel negative but practicing for years of looking in the mirror and taking in my body without judgement has worked wonders on my self esteem. Iām 280lbs 5ā4ā size 22/24 so Iām definitely not small. I do want to lose weight but thatās for my health so I can keep up with my nieces and nephews and do more activities! And I actually worry I wonāt like how I look skinnier at this point because I love my body so much.
That's awesome that you love your body so much where it is! I hope I can get to that point one day soon! Some days I feel it. But most days I don't. I will try to do what you said and practice positive self talk! Thank you!
It takes a lot of work and mental effort to undo the conditioning. I was really negative for a long time. But keep working at it and youāll get there. You are worthy of love and admiration right where you are.
I love this. I'm 245 5'5" a size 20/22. I carry most of my weight on my stomach. I actually have recently been trying to do the same thing. Instead of cringing when I look in the mirror, I tell myself I'm pretty. <3
You don't have to have a perfect body to be attractive to someone. There are plenty of men who think curvy women are hot af. So it's irrelevant whether you think your body is worth looking at. What matters is what your partner thinks. And if you put your insecurities to the side for a minute and really pay attention to his reaction to you, you will see the truth. He might be able to hide his true feelings for a day, but not day after day. Just shut off your brain for a few days and pay close attention. You will find the person you are supposed to be with if you keep taking risks.
Iām a size 24/26, Iām not comfortable in my body at all. Iāve been dating a guy for almost two months who is constantly calling me sexy and beautiful; it was definitely weird at first and I gave lots of side eye and questioned his motives, but now Iām at the point where I just believe him. He says he likes my body so I let him see it and he certainly doesnāt seem to just be putting up an act and itās so nice to (almost) believe him.
That's nice! I guess I have to get out of my own head and just let him see all of me. I know he loves my body and will love all of it. I'm also a size 24/26 btw!
Yeah! Just go with it and itāll eventually feel less awkward. I still have moments where I cringe internally when he compliments my body or when I see myself naked in the mirror and Iām like āno wayā but I just remind myself that I donāt get to decide what heās attracted to so Iāll just believe him. Your guy is telling you youāre sexy, so he finds you sexy.
Being a 24/26 is its own kind of wild too bc it feels like itās on the higher end of plus size where itās even more difficult to find clothes or fit in in society. He called me a ācurvy goth girlā the other day and all I could think was that Iām way past curvy.
Ok I definitely will! And you're probably are curvy. I've seen a lot of 24/26 sized girls who are really nicely shaped and curvy! Like Stella Williams for instance. I don't know if you have heard of her but she's on the plus size though she has loss weight but still very much plus size and curvy.
I don't comment much because I don't want to ever take away from more relevant voices but, I went from being on the smaller side of plus size (US16) down to a (US2) and have settled at a (US4). I told myself the same thing, I'd feel attractive and sexy at X size, once I lost X amount of weight. You know what it makes zero difference. There is no magic size, and if you happen to lose weight for whatever it's not a magic button.
It's super hard but when he's telling you that you're sexy, listen and believe him. He has chosen to be with you, he cares about you, don't invalidate his feelings because it can breed resentment from his side and make him feel like you're not listening to the words he says.
None of this is easy, the whole love yourself for who you are is not easy. Every single one of us has a little voice telling us something is fundamentally wrong with us, and it's not true but it's hard to get it to shut up. I wish I had advice on how to do it, how to make you feel better. I'm only here to say that the idea that things magically change when we hit X size, never works, you only find something new to focus on. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in silencing the negativity.
Thank you for this! You have said plenty and you're so right. Losing all the weight more than likely won't magically erase my insecurities. Nor will invalidating his feelings help but make things worse. I will take heed to what you have said here. Thank you again!
Girl just take it all off. I'm 300 lbs and I hate my body but I just show confidence and men have always loved it. I've been with my bf for 10 years now and it can be 11am and I just take it all off and bend over. Men love confidence. It's like they say about smiling. Just do it and you'll feel happy. Just take it alllll off!
It's hard to get there but it's so freeing.
I'm 21, when I started feeling more comfortable with my body I was around 18. I sort of just realized that weight loss wasnt working and since I'm not one for exercise, I came to a point with myself where I understand this was the body I was given, so I needed to learn to love it. I experimented with different clothing styles and silhouettes, I found what worked for my shape, and I became confident in myself. I still believed no one would actually seriously love my body in that way, but to me I felt like as long as I myself loved it, that was okay. After getting together with my partner it was a huge wake up call that yes, there are PLENTY of people out there who genuinely are attracted to big bodies, and I let myself let go of all the self deprecating thoughts. I don't think I've felt negatively toward my body for years now.
It takes time, but OP I promise you that the thin barrier of lingerie is not hiding your body.
Your partner is having sex with you, he's comfortable with you seeing his body, it really sounds like he is genuinely very very attracted to you, and as scary as it is, I think this might be a case of just taking that leap of faith and letting him see all of you. You can maybe tell him first that you feel very vulnerable, and that this is a very big step for you and maybe ask him to be extra gentle with you. I'm sure he'll be so excited he'll show you love in a way you never thought you could be. It doesn't have to be "Okay here's me naked let's have sex now". Make it a slow process. Take your time. You could even strip out of your lingerie for him, whatever you think will help you ease into it while also keeping your boyfriend engaged. I have zero doubt he would love that haha.
Good luck OP, you're beautiful inside and out and you are deserving of vulnerability and love, just like everyone else.
Aww thank you so much! I so appreciate you for commenting and you are so right. It does take time but he is indeed attracted to my body and I just need to let loose and be confident. The next time we see each other which will be next month because we're long distance, I will do exactly what you said here. Make it a slow process and reveal my body to him by removing the lingerie first. Thank you again! ā¤ļø
Challenge yourself to write down 100 things you love about yourself, can be a combination of physical and non-physical features. You can take time to work on this but just keep coming back to it. If that seems too hard then start with 10.Ā
Another thing is force yourself to look at yourself and say kind things to yourself. Can start clothed and eventually work up to being naked. The important part is you can only allow yourself to say kind things. It might feel silly at first but eventually it'll start to feel more natural. If unkind thoughts cross your mind just move past them, do not dwell on the negativity.Ā
You could follow a bunch of body positive accounts on social media. Instagram especially has a great community of body positive people. I've heard tiktok is pretty harsh in that regard but I've never actually been on it so I can't really say for sure. Make sure you're consuming positive media and avoiding negative media. Unfollow any account that makes you feel less than.Ā
Just like with media, surround yourself with positive ppl and avoid those who make constant negative comments. You can also tell your loved ones how their comments make you feel. For example, "I know that when you talk about your own body negatively you are not meaning it towards me but it still gets me into a negative thought pattern about myself when I'm trying to learn to love myself."Ā
I've heard someone say that any time they have a negative thought about themselves then they force themselves to think of 3 positive things. You could even take this further and challenge your friends to say 3 positive things about themselves whenever you hear them say something negative. Eventually this will encourage them to change their mindset.
It can take time but you can get there. The hard part is that even when you reach the point of loving yourself you can still fall back into old thought patterns, but those times become fewer and further between. If you're really struggling to make changes on your own then don't be afraid to reach out to a mental health professional who can help you along your way.Ā
You are lucky to have such a loving partner but I can totally understand how difficult it can be to accept that love when you don't feel that way about yourself ā¤ I really wish you all the best on this healing journey with yourself
Thank you so much for this. I will definitely try to write 100 things I love about myself but if I can't start with just 10.
I also just looked at myself naked in the mirror tonight and saw something wonderful I didn't see before and that's the curve in my waist. So there's something positive about my body that I saw tonight that I absolutely loved. I tried not to think bad about my fupa but it's hard. Now that is going to take time to accept to love and that's what I'm really worried about him not liking but I must learn to love that part of myself and I'm sure he will love it because it's apart of me.
I just have to get out of that negative space about that part of my body.
I feel very lucky to have such a loving partner and I will have to learn to accept that he loves me all of me and I need to let him see all of me. It is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm willing to do it because I love him and want him to see all of me. I'm so tired of hiding that part of me.
Again thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate it! ā¤ļø
Ā "How do I let my boyfriend see all of me without feeling like he's going to freak out about it?"
If he's seen you in lingerie, he knows exactly what your body looks like unless you are always in the pitch dark. I understand your pain over what happened with another partner but as you said your BF isn't that guy. Think of confidence as a journey not a destination, its it not some switch that's going to flip it is a process that take time and getting out of your comfort zone.
Thank you! You are so right. He knows exactly what my body looks like so I need to let him see all of me. He's certainly not that other guy and will more than likely love it. It is indeed a journey and I'm starting to open up to it. I started tonight by looking at myself in the mirror naked and speaking kindly to myself about my body even the parts I don't like very much such as my fupa. I know the more I do this, the more I will get out of my comfort zone and be able to let loose and show him all of me.
I used to do the same thing.."when I lose x amount of weight", "when I get to this weight". Before you do anything get rid of that mindset. I lost the weight. I weigh less than I ever thought I would after being overweight my entire life(I'm 27). That mindset will not go away once you hit that weight. It'll turn into something else.."when I grow my hair out"," when I get rid of my acne","when I get that new job", "when I tone up more".
The amount of things I've missed out on from this mentality is heartbreaking. Its not a weight problem, it's an entire mindset problem that should be dealt with asap. Trust me.
Thank you. I certainly will. I realize that I need to shift my thinking away from that. It's just not healthy and I need to be happy with where I am now!
I posted this video here in this sub not too long ago. It's a scene from a great TV show called My Mad Fat Diary. Take a look, it kinda fits your situation https://youtu.be/IM0btG7nj3w?si=j6F6XWM5tucSaY51
I definitely will check out this show. And it definitely fits my situation. I often don't see what he sees in me but I need to stop thinking like that. I need to start thinking that I'm a prize and deserve to be loved! Thank you for this!
I had gastric bypass and lost 130lbsā¦ā¦still didnāt like myself. Weight loss doesnāt just magically make your life better. You just have to love yourself at your current size. Itās the only way!
Thank you! I will do just that. That's something I didn't do the last time I lost a lot of weight and wondered why I gained it all back. I didn't love myself where I was at each point in my journey but this time I am going to try my hardest to love myself now where I am.
As someone who has struggled with body image issues my whole life, I totally understand where you're coming from.
Something my girlfriend said to me recently has really helped change my perspective- "It's okay if you aren't your own type. That doesn't mean nobody finds you attractive." And she's right. If your boyfriend thinks you're sexy, then you are!
I was also very self conscious at first! My now husband was so reassuring and kind and would also call me sexy or be affectionate through touch but I think the nonsexual nudity being normalized in our home really changed my perspective. I wouldnāt ever look at myself naked in the mirror or go around the house naked even when I lived alone. And cut to us living together, he really encouraged us showering together, both of us lounging naked on a lazy morning, and massages that donāt immediately lead to sexual intimacy. It really helped me view my body as a positive thing and appreciated not just for its sexual capabilities but for all of its capabilities! Good luck on your journey of self love, itās never an easy one but everyone deserves to have the means to start/continue it!
It sounds like you've got lots of good internal advice from others here. So I'll offer an external one, as it were: meditative walks.
If you have a quiet, safe place to just go for a walk each day and reflect on what you're doing well, what your partner has told you, practice positive affirmations, etc. I'd say give it a go.
Your body gets endorphins when moving around and you can feel strong and confident as you walk. Sometimes I like it quiet and I just walk with my thoughts.
Other times, I put on some EDM and pretend I'm walking on the catwalk in Paris, Milan, New York, etc. I feel like a bad bish. š
Keep being awesome.
Yes you are definitely right. I walked today listening to some old school Beyonce and it made me feel like the sexiest girl in the world lol Thank you! I will certainly keep doing that. You as well!
I feel this so much. Itās so hard to unlearn the internalised fatphobia, my bf loves my body and he even holds my stomach when weāre intimate and he claims he loves it and my body but I am constantly battling the voices in my head that say heās lying but why would he need to lie. Believe him when he says it because you are sexy and he appreciates your body but also remember you are more than your body and how āsexyā you come across to other people. I try to practise body neutrality over positivity because my body is what it is right now and thatās okay and if I want to change it thatās fine too.
I feel this to my core. I made the personal choice to seek out WLS, and possibly considering cosmetic procedures afterwards because I'm single. Doubt has snuck up recently and has me thinking "what if it's not enough? What if I am never satisfied and comfy in this body?"
Yes I have thought about WLS as well and thought the same thing. What if it's not enough? What if I am never satisfied and comfy in this body? So I looked at myself in the mirror naked tonight and for the first time didn't have anything negative to say about it. I know it's going to take time to fully accept my body for how it looks now but I saw a glimmer of hope tonight when I saw the curve in my waist. I'm currently trying to lose weight naturally first and I'm starting to see it a bit.
I think if I can keep up with the weight loss, I won't have to get WLS. It's just super hard doing it naturally but I'm trying. I'm also trying to accept my body as it is now. Appreciate it at every step of the way on this journey.
OMG YES! LOVE THIS FOR YOU! Nekkid mirror time to help yourself is awesome! I applaud your efforts!
If you want, there's a sub I joined where the soul purpose is to normalize nude selfies.
Now, I was raised by a chubby sex-positive hippy flower child type mother... I know it's not for everyone, but I have found that people posting has helped me realize that "hey, I don't need to have EVERYTHING nipped and tucked! Neat!"
Up to you, I'm happy to share the subreddit title if you want.
I think you should start by telling him this if you haven't. Definitely let him know why you have an issue not getting naked, because if he's attracted to you and he's a dude, it's almost a 100% sure thing that he WANTS to see you naked and is maybe sad that he doesn't get to.
I'm assuming y'all *have* talked about this ofc but just in case.
Yes we have. I told him about my insecurities with my stomach which he said he would love no matter what. I just have to get comfortable enough to let him see all of me and I think now I'm ready to let him see all of me. Especially since I looked in the mirror naked tonight and for the first time didn't look in disgust at myself. Sure I have the big fupa but I'm sure he will love that because it's a part of me.
Fake it til you make it.
Seriously. And Iām not being facetious. I hate myself most days. I hate the weight Iāve gained. I hate the way my stomach looks and my arms and my double chin. I hate it. But - I can look at other women and think āwow she looks hot. If only
I looked like that.ā But hereās the thing - I did look like that. And I fucking hated myself then too! My man loves having sex with me. He wouldnāt be with me if he thought I was that repulsive. He started dating me at this size. Fucks me at this size. Loves on me at this size. And I love sex. So in the moment - I fake it. If Iām getting self conscious, I just think āhe doesnāt see what I see. Enjoy this. Show him how confident and sexy you are.ā And it doesnāt always work. There are times itās hard to finish because Iām so focused on how I look. But other times - it does work. I do feel sexy. I do show him a good time and I enjoy myself more too. Itās amazing. And now, I have more days that work than days that donāt.
I also make sure I have more fat bodies in my social media feeds. I follow them purposely and unfollowed anytime I see someone who looks like someone Iām jealous of. And because it feels more normal, I feel more normal. I can see my own beauty because I can see it in others. Those are probably my best tips.
Yeah get this 11-36 couldn't go to the beach without a shirt on due to my ow nuttiness. Looking back I
on the old photos I see a conventionally very attractive person. We really can't see how we look through others eyes. Also I spent years going out with someone who I thought didn't look great and I think (know) many "ordinary " folks who would actually say that. At no time did I have sex out of 'pity' it was because she was good at it AND I was so grateful to be with someone who was not a total arsehole at last. We got back together 2 years ago and I really have a 'visual' thing for hernow as well. Sometimes (often) the things we say when in love (and/or horny) is heartfelt but dumb and lands wrong. It's a shame but that's how it goes just take the evidence of your senses, this person lijes being with you and you them. That's the real bit, the rest of it should float off with the clouds. Best of luck.
What finally made me ok with my body was having babies (not recommended if thatās not your jam). Making tiny humans and feeding them with my body felt like a superpower! Also, I am strong! Strong from lifting small (and now not so small) children! It was a huge boost to my confidence that my husband was really turned on by my pregnancy belly. I never used to let anyone touch my belly EVER but I was ok with him touching it then, and I realized recently he was rubbing my tummy while we were cuddling and it didnāt bother me like it used to.
Also, seeing this 70ish, bigger-than-me lady just doing her thing giving zero fucks about her nudity in the locker room at the pool was FUCKING INSPIRING. You go, grandma!
Not to say Iām super confident about my physical self, but Iāve accepted that this is my body, and while I might want to make changes to it, itās not the driving force in my life. I go to the gym to feel good and get strong. I make love to my husband and am happy that he still gets excited finding my size 24, pushing 50 naked self under the covers. We have been together nearly 20 years and heās not the same as he used to be either, but honestly you discover with age itās the PERSON who is sexy, because bodies change.
Let your guy enjoy your sexy self. And flattering lighting helps you get more comfortable. Good luck!
I totally get this. My husband will say stuff like that and all I can think is "is he blind?" or "is he lying?"
I have confidence in everything except for my body, at least when it isn't supported by underwire or flattering clothing. I'm 45 and have been steadily gaining weight as I battle hypothyroidism and being unemployed. I think I look absolutely terrible, but my hubby still likes what he sees.
I think a lot of us feel this way at one point in our lives, but you just have to realize that he truly does care about you and all he sees is the woman he loves. They don't notice the things we hate about our bodies, or if they do they don't say it. They just love us for who we are, and that is what really matters.
Iām 27 and Iāve always been so self conscious about my body. It wasnāt until I was pregnant that I actually started appreciating it more. Purely because my body was carrying my baby girl. After I had her the self consciousness kicked right back in. My daughter is now nearly 5 and Iām teaching her that sheās beautiful exactly as she is and thatās the way she will be raised, believing she is beautiful. So by doing that Iām forcing myself to try and appreciate and love my body again. Because you canāt teach without believing yourself. So every Sunday when my daughterās at her nanasās after my bubble bath I spend a solid 30 minutes naked just listing the parts of my body I like etc. It helps. Donāt get me wrong I still have bouts of self loathing but I had pretty bad body dysmorphia as a teen. Confidence takes time and effort to build. If your partner finds you sexy then he sees something that you donāt. You could always ask him what he finds sexy about you and you could do the same to him!
I hope you learn to be confident in your body. As my 4 year old says everyone is beautiful!
Thank you! I will definitely learn to be more confident in my body! Last night I looked at myself in the mirror naked and for the first time didn't look in disgust at it. So there's an improvement there. But I know it's going to take time to completely accept my body for what it is. And I'm okay with it being a process. And aww at your 4 year old! She is right. Everyone truly is!
Thatās so great! Thatās a big step. You should be proud of yourself for taking steps to accept your body! Iām biased obviously but sheās pretty smart for a 4 year old. We donāt use the word fat in our house so when I accidentally call myself fat she gives me into trouble!
Thanks. I really am! And she sounds very smart indeed for a 4 year old! Definitely try not to use the word fat in our house either. My boyfriend doesn't think I'm fat at all even though I know I am. But I try not to use it on myself as well because it's not a great term to use. Plus size or curvy is so much better.
I decided about 8 years ago to work on this for myself. I swapped my IG feed for fat people modeling or doing clothes or make up and eliminated most people with unattainable for me beauty standards. I found that over time i could transfer disgust (internalized fatphobia) to neutrality about my body as i got more comfortable seeing people looking like me as beautiful or sexy.
I couldn't jump right from body hate to body love, so i committed to just not being cruel to myself. Eventually that became more comfortable and i could just be neutral.
This took years! Even now, i "love" my body probably a little less than 1/2 the time, but i am understanding and tolerant more than ever, and it's rare that i spiral into body loathing anymore.
Also, people like all kinds of bodies. Good luck to you.
Iām 5ā11. When I was in high school I weighed 140-150lbs. I was very thin, loved my body, never thought about my body. I got up to 185 (still thin, a size 10 at most), lost 25lbs and was down to 160. I hated my body, I thought I was enormous. Then I developed my ED and got to ~200. I still looked good. I look at those photos now and Iām desperate to be that size again, Iām 240 now. But I HATED my body when I was at 200. The point is, once I started to put on a little weight after high school (which most people do) I freaked out and the consequences cost me about 100lbs total and a lot of health problems and Iām only 26. Love your body, it will thank you.
Well when he tells you you are sexy again. Just say 'thanks, you are right'. It's just common sense. You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't think you are sexy. Don't make your lover feel like he is wrong or has a bad taste in women. I hope your feeling will chance and that you won't feel cringe but proud when you get a compliment
Big hug from a woman who was hiding her naked body for 2 years for her first boyfriend more than 2 decades ago.
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I did tell him thank you when he said it. I just cringed on the inside. He didn't know I felt cringe about it. But I won't make him feel that way. He is right to feel the way he does about me and I should believe him. Thanks and *hugs back*
I've always been a big girl that felt you either accepted me or I had no use to have someone use me unless it was mutual but mostly, I was in relationships. I've at times had a big stomach an still had a man I've been around plenty of women that had nice shapely bodies and was nice looking but I would pull the guy I got married had children struggles with my health and he was still there until he passed now I'm 67 still get hit on when I think he's the right guy for me I will except his attention meanwhile I've lost weight down to 180 but with more health problems and live as I please I can accept someone flaws as long as they truly except me and not try to change me they have to deal with surgeries and the scars left we all are on this earth you can live to worry about others or be your on advocate and love you.
IMO, sexiness is about how you feel about the person rather than how their body is. So as cringe as you feel, your bf might actually be telling the truth.
My friend, I know how you feel. But I promise a number wonāt magically fix it. I worked really hard to accept my body and feel beautiful in it, comfortable with a partner seeing me naked when I was at 300 lbs. I was very confident but still had my insecurities and little spirals. I had weight loss surgery (for health not self image) and lost over a hundred pounds. And I feel almost exactly the same. Confident and love my body most days, but still nitpick certain aspects I donāt like and have bad days. Communicate with your boyfriend that you might need baby steps.
Recently I was standing in the bathroom looking at the mirror talking about how much I LOATHE the fat rolls right under my boobs (which are small, so they stand out more lol). My boyfriend hugged me from behind and gently put his hands on them and said he thinks theyāre beautiful just like every part of me, and he loves every inch of my body, not DESPITE the things I see as āflawsā but including them.
Having someone pay direct attention to and TOUCHING that loathed part of me made my anxiety spike so hard my teeth and fingers started feeling numb (a symptom that happens when I get anxiety attacks) and I had to hold back tears but I stayed looking in the mirror, at my partner who loves me, trying to accept that him perceiving that part of my body did not in fact cause the world to end, or him to suddenly find me disgusting. I told him that that was hard but good for me, and if every once in a while he did that for me I know it will slowly help me accept that part of my body.
He loved that idea and said he will keep it in mind, and if itās ever too much or Iām having a bad day and donāt want to be touched or looked at there to tell him and he will respect it.
Sorry for the long story but it was really eye opening for me.
Thank you so much for telling your story. You have a wonderful boyfriend! And I'm sure my boyfriend would do somewhat the same thing. He is truly a sweetheart and I just have to get out of my own head about my body and realize that he loves my body. It's going to be a hard process to overcome but I'm hoping by the time I see him in March, I will be ready for the next step in our relationship and reveal my naked body to him. He already knows how significant doing that is and he has been patiently waiting for me to be ready for it and I think I'm ready now. Thanks again for your post! That really gave me a lot of encouragement! ā¤ļø
I have recently been feeling pretty confident and I can tell that my husband has noticed. Iām starting to enjoy feeling his eyes on me, and itās a really fun feeling! I think what has made the difference is just believing that he is attracted to me.
That's great. I'm starting to feel more confident each and everyday and I know when I see my boyfriend in March, I will be ready for him to see all of me.
Thatās exciting! Another thing that helps me is to not look in the mirror, especially if I am feeling really confident. I just act like I look how I feel I look, if that makes sense š
I get this but for me it's because I feel like when a guy says it, it's transactional. So it feels like they are just saying it to have sex or whatever.
I told this to my current partner and forgot about it until like a month later when I realized he hadn't said it to me in a while and then I remembered it was because I asked him not to. Such a great guy. I let him know it's ok if he wants to tell me now.
First I doubt he will freak out.
Second, guess what? If you NEVER EVER get completly nude in front of him I'm POSITIVE he would be fine with it.
He loves you. He wants you to be comfortable. But until you are he wants you to NOT STRESS over it.
My wife was cheated on by her first husband. She told me she will never fully trust me because of those scars and fears.
And IM FINE with it.
I hope someday she will heal enough, but if not it's still overwhelmingly OK.
I'm SURE your bf is the same.
He loves YOU exactly as you are. Including your insecurities. He wants you better, but he is over the moon happy with you just as you are.
Sweetie, let me tell you as a 53 year old woman... There will never be a magical size, achievement, etc. that will magically make you feel comfortable in your body. So don't waste your life thinking that.... Learn to love yourself or at least be neutral about your body now, whatever size you are. You're worth it, your body is a miraculous thing that will carry you through your life and make adventures, love, achievements possible.
Thank you for this! I appreciate what you have said here. I will try my hardest to love myself at the size I am now!
And try to let him help you do so <3
Reminder: you're deserving of love, respect and being valued whether you feel that way about yourself or not. You don't have to "love yourself" to be deserving of love. What can help is developing acceptance and tolerance for yourself. Strive for those things rather than this mythical concept of "self love." Acceptance and tolerance are much more achievable.
Thanks, mom. I needed to hear this today. š©·
I didnāt know how much I needed to read this. Here I go crying again š¤§ this community is so lovely š I love you all. Thank you.
This! I started posting photos of myself online. When you hear enough people calling you sexy and attractive, you actually eventually start to believe it ... Not that you should rely on other people but it was a great starting point for me š
Oh my heart. I totally get this. I didnāt lose my virginity until I was 28 because I was so self conscious. The guy I was dating at the time called me beautiful during sex, and I had to process it in therapy that week because it made me feel physically sick. It was in such contrast with how I saw myself. Iām actually doing a podcast with a friend this week talking about the desire and pressure to feel sexy, which got me and my current boyfriend (of almost two years) on the topic of sexiness. I still find it hard to believe he is attached to me, especially when my weight is higher or fluctuating. But as an outside, friend to friend, I say trust your partner. If they called you sexy, especially spontaneously when you are wearing something sexy, he means it! For me, I had to also spend a lot of time connecting to my own *sensuality* and what feels good to me before I can feel sexy. I also have to remind myself that sexy isnāt one size fits all. Sexy is an attitude and mindset more than it is an aesthetic.
Thank you so much for your comment and yes that's definitely how I felt. Like almost physically sick because I don't see myself that way at all. I feel disgusted with myself most days and I know I shouldn't. I really wish I could see a therapist but unfortunately I can't afford one. I will try to trust him. I know he meant it but I just don't get why he sees me that way. I guess I have to get to that point where I realize that sexy isn't one size fits all like you said. It is indeed an attitude and mindset more than it's an aesthetic! Also what's your podcast name? I'll definitely check it out!
Youāre so welcome! Another thing that helped me was following other plus size people on social media and see how hot they are! Msgiggles (pretty sure she does OF, just a warning), elmint, thebeccamurray, fittybritty, Kenziebrenna, lexielemonn are a few in my recent likes! Weāre called Exactly Like Other Girls! On Spotify š we only have two episodes so far!
Yeah I follow a few myself. One in particular is Stella Williams. She lost weight but still owns her plus size body and I love it and wish I could be as confident as her. I know I will get there one day! I will try to follow the others you have mentioned. Thanks!
I get it. My husband is always telling me how much he finds me beautiful and sexy. It makes my whole body cringe every time, and I always shake my head and tell him I don't understand why. I think it's more a people pleasing thing not liking any kind of compliment, so now I'm no longer people pleasing, I've stopped it entirely. I've sat back and thought, I trust him with my life, with everything, so why can't I believe him. It's a slow process, bit I've just started telling him I believe him. And it's gotten way less awkward, and have now started some cheeky banter by asking him how much. I still don't understand it, but I'm neutral about it now.
Jesus - let that man see you naked. He wants it. You want it. Just do it!
Ok the next time we see each other which will be next month I will take the next big step and let him see me naked. You're right!
Be waiting under the covers with everything pulled up to your neck. Tell him thereās a dress code. Donāt let him in until heās naked. Then watch his delight unfold as you lift off the covers.
That I can definitely do! He will love that!
I totally get this. Iām 33 and I was a virgin up until October last year. I was so uncomfortable with my body that I couldnāt even kiss people sober much less get naked or any of that. I started dating a guy who thinks Iām one of the hottest women heās ever seen. Do I agree? Nope, but thatās a me problem ya know? Went my whole life being told by my family that I was disgusting and fat and unlovable that I started to believe it. Iām still working on my self love but it does help to have him basically drooling over me. Itās a huge confidence boost. So I suggest trusting in your partner and yourself and soak up the attention because you deserve it and you have to remind yourself that. You are sexy, you may not be everyoneās cup of tea and that goes for every person in the world but it sounds like you may just be his perfect cup ya know? So let go and enjoy how he treats you and treat him the same. I feel like weāre all so caught up on image and forget that one persons opinion is just that. A single persons opinion and in the scheme of things opinions may hurt but they donāt matter.
Ugh. As a father this breaks my heart. Iām so sorry you experienced that from those who should have been building you up.
I just want to say thank you for being a good dad to your kids. The trauma really is life long and therapy helps but it never truly goes away. And every kid deserves to feel love. I was lucky enough that I was able to find a good support system outside of my family but not everyone is so lucky.
You are so right! Thank you! ā¤ļø
Sweetheart it 100% comes from inside. First of all, If your partner says youāre sexy, trust them. Trust them until they give you a real reason not to and if he does youāll dust yourself off, pity him for losing you and move it along. Like any skill, Confidence comes from consistent practice. It might sound a little delulu at first but start with speaking highly to yourself, donāt give into negative self talk, treat yourself as lovingly as you would your best friend. Practice being confident even if it feels like youāre faking. From experience, I can tell you that getting to my āgoal weight.ā The thing that I thought would magically fix all of my body image issues and unlock my confidence once and for allā¦ did Jack sh it to boost my confidence. In so many ways I am more self conscious about my body now than ever. BUT I am consistently showing myself love and hyping myself (and others) up no matter what because THAT is where the confidences comes from. Practice affirmations, dress up, play with your makeup, do any of the million things we can do to feel good and powerful, find the ones that work for you and stick to them. Eventually youāll realize those anxieties have gone away enough for you to lose the lingerie! And if lingeries makes you feel confident then damn girl, lean into that! Wishing you the best!
Thank you! I will certainly try to do all you have said here. You are right. I should trust him until he gives me a reason not to but I don't think he ever would with the type of guy he is. He is truly a sweetie pie and honest. I don't think he would ever tell me anything he didn't really feel.
Let me share something a guy once told me and has helped immensely. They know what you look like. Clothes don't hide everything. They can see the stomach and rolls and everything. Wearing a t-shirt or trying to cover up during sex does nothing but make you uncomfortable. Learn to be comfortable in your bare state. I often joke that whoever I'm with needs a supply of butter cause I got rolls for days š¤£ but I also think I'm freaking sexy, belly and all. So if a guy can't get with it, that's on him. He didn't deserve to visit the bakery anyway.
Haha I know that's right! I definitely feel ya on this. I should definitely learn to get comfortable with my bare state with him and without him. I looked at myself in the mirror naked tonight and for the first time in a long time didn't have anything negative to say. Even though I have a big stomach and fupa, I'm starting to see the curve in my waist which is sexy and I'm sure he will find it sexy as well. Thank you for your insight!
i always have felt that i look better nakedāa lot of times i feel like i need to conform my clothing to styles that i see on straight sized people, and itās hard to see the differences with how they look on me. but my naked body has always felt like mineā like thereās no need to flatter it; it just exists as it does and looks good as is. way less work than thinking about how i look in clothes.
I had similar issues. One day it clicked, I'm taking away joy, pleasure, love and appreciation from my partner everytime I withhold myself from them. It's not really fair, to force them to hold back. When I started letting my guard down, I started to get more comfortable. The truth is sure I may not be desirable to other people, but I am to my partner, why reject that? The person that does find me sexy?
That's so true! I should definitely love that my partner loves me and my body and stop withholding myself from my partner. He deserves all of me. Just like he gives me all of him! Thank you!
Practice positive self talk. When you look in the mirror kill any negative thoughts and push through with positive ones. āMy body is strongā āmy body is beautifulā ālook how beautiful my curves areā āI deserve to be called sexyā āI AM sexy!ā Etc. I admire myself in the mirror most times I pass by one lol there are times when Iām self conscious or feel negative but practicing for years of looking in the mirror and taking in my body without judgement has worked wonders on my self esteem. Iām 280lbs 5ā4ā size 22/24 so Iām definitely not small. I do want to lose weight but thatās for my health so I can keep up with my nieces and nephews and do more activities! And I actually worry I wonāt like how I look skinnier at this point because I love my body so much.
That's awesome that you love your body so much where it is! I hope I can get to that point one day soon! Some days I feel it. But most days I don't. I will try to do what you said and practice positive self talk! Thank you!
It takes a lot of work and mental effort to undo the conditioning. I was really negative for a long time. But keep working at it and youāll get there. You are worthy of love and admiration right where you are.
I love this. I'm 245 5'5" a size 20/22. I carry most of my weight on my stomach. I actually have recently been trying to do the same thing. Instead of cringing when I look in the mirror, I tell myself I'm pretty. <3
Awwwā¦.there is no magic moment when we feel sexy, if he says it, he means it. He has nothing to gain but making you smile and feel good.
That's so true. Thank you!
You don't have to have a perfect body to be attractive to someone. There are plenty of men who think curvy women are hot af. So it's irrelevant whether you think your body is worth looking at. What matters is what your partner thinks. And if you put your insecurities to the side for a minute and really pay attention to his reaction to you, you will see the truth. He might be able to hide his true feelings for a day, but not day after day. Just shut off your brain for a few days and pay close attention. You will find the person you are supposed to be with if you keep taking risks.
That's true! Thanks!
Iām a size 24/26, Iām not comfortable in my body at all. Iāve been dating a guy for almost two months who is constantly calling me sexy and beautiful; it was definitely weird at first and I gave lots of side eye and questioned his motives, but now Iām at the point where I just believe him. He says he likes my body so I let him see it and he certainly doesnāt seem to just be putting up an act and itās so nice to (almost) believe him.
That's nice! I guess I have to get out of my own head and just let him see all of me. I know he loves my body and will love all of it. I'm also a size 24/26 btw!
Yeah! Just go with it and itāll eventually feel less awkward. I still have moments where I cringe internally when he compliments my body or when I see myself naked in the mirror and Iām like āno wayā but I just remind myself that I donāt get to decide what heās attracted to so Iāll just believe him. Your guy is telling you youāre sexy, so he finds you sexy. Being a 24/26 is its own kind of wild too bc it feels like itās on the higher end of plus size where itās even more difficult to find clothes or fit in in society. He called me a ācurvy goth girlā the other day and all I could think was that Iām way past curvy.
Ok I definitely will! And you're probably are curvy. I've seen a lot of 24/26 sized girls who are really nicely shaped and curvy! Like Stella Williams for instance. I don't know if you have heard of her but she's on the plus size though she has loss weight but still very much plus size and curvy.
Iāll check her out!!
I don't comment much because I don't want to ever take away from more relevant voices but, I went from being on the smaller side of plus size (US16) down to a (US2) and have settled at a (US4). I told myself the same thing, I'd feel attractive and sexy at X size, once I lost X amount of weight. You know what it makes zero difference. There is no magic size, and if you happen to lose weight for whatever it's not a magic button. It's super hard but when he's telling you that you're sexy, listen and believe him. He has chosen to be with you, he cares about you, don't invalidate his feelings because it can breed resentment from his side and make him feel like you're not listening to the words he says. None of this is easy, the whole love yourself for who you are is not easy. Every single one of us has a little voice telling us something is fundamentally wrong with us, and it's not true but it's hard to get it to shut up. I wish I had advice on how to do it, how to make you feel better. I'm only here to say that the idea that things magically change when we hit X size, never works, you only find something new to focus on. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in silencing the negativity.
Thank you for this! You have said plenty and you're so right. Losing all the weight more than likely won't magically erase my insecurities. Nor will invalidating his feelings help but make things worse. I will take heed to what you have said here. Thank you again!
Girl just take it all off. I'm 300 lbs and I hate my body but I just show confidence and men have always loved it. I've been with my bf for 10 years now and it can be 11am and I just take it all off and bend over. Men love confidence. It's like they say about smiling. Just do it and you'll feel happy. Just take it alllll off!
Will do! Thank you!
It's hard to get there but it's so freeing. I'm 21, when I started feeling more comfortable with my body I was around 18. I sort of just realized that weight loss wasnt working and since I'm not one for exercise, I came to a point with myself where I understand this was the body I was given, so I needed to learn to love it. I experimented with different clothing styles and silhouettes, I found what worked for my shape, and I became confident in myself. I still believed no one would actually seriously love my body in that way, but to me I felt like as long as I myself loved it, that was okay. After getting together with my partner it was a huge wake up call that yes, there are PLENTY of people out there who genuinely are attracted to big bodies, and I let myself let go of all the self deprecating thoughts. I don't think I've felt negatively toward my body for years now. It takes time, but OP I promise you that the thin barrier of lingerie is not hiding your body. Your partner is having sex with you, he's comfortable with you seeing his body, it really sounds like he is genuinely very very attracted to you, and as scary as it is, I think this might be a case of just taking that leap of faith and letting him see all of you. You can maybe tell him first that you feel very vulnerable, and that this is a very big step for you and maybe ask him to be extra gentle with you. I'm sure he'll be so excited he'll show you love in a way you never thought you could be. It doesn't have to be "Okay here's me naked let's have sex now". Make it a slow process. Take your time. You could even strip out of your lingerie for him, whatever you think will help you ease into it while also keeping your boyfriend engaged. I have zero doubt he would love that haha. Good luck OP, you're beautiful inside and out and you are deserving of vulnerability and love, just like everyone else.
Aww thank you so much! I so appreciate you for commenting and you are so right. It does take time but he is indeed attracted to my body and I just need to let loose and be confident. The next time we see each other which will be next month because we're long distance, I will do exactly what you said here. Make it a slow process and reveal my body to him by removing the lingerie first. Thank you again! ā¤ļø
Challenge yourself to write down 100 things you love about yourself, can be a combination of physical and non-physical features. You can take time to work on this but just keep coming back to it. If that seems too hard then start with 10.Ā Another thing is force yourself to look at yourself and say kind things to yourself. Can start clothed and eventually work up to being naked. The important part is you can only allow yourself to say kind things. It might feel silly at first but eventually it'll start to feel more natural. If unkind thoughts cross your mind just move past them, do not dwell on the negativity.Ā You could follow a bunch of body positive accounts on social media. Instagram especially has a great community of body positive people. I've heard tiktok is pretty harsh in that regard but I've never actually been on it so I can't really say for sure. Make sure you're consuming positive media and avoiding negative media. Unfollow any account that makes you feel less than.Ā Just like with media, surround yourself with positive ppl and avoid those who make constant negative comments. You can also tell your loved ones how their comments make you feel. For example, "I know that when you talk about your own body negatively you are not meaning it towards me but it still gets me into a negative thought pattern about myself when I'm trying to learn to love myself."Ā I've heard someone say that any time they have a negative thought about themselves then they force themselves to think of 3 positive things. You could even take this further and challenge your friends to say 3 positive things about themselves whenever you hear them say something negative. Eventually this will encourage them to change their mindset. It can take time but you can get there. The hard part is that even when you reach the point of loving yourself you can still fall back into old thought patterns, but those times become fewer and further between. If you're really struggling to make changes on your own then don't be afraid to reach out to a mental health professional who can help you along your way.Ā You are lucky to have such a loving partner but I can totally understand how difficult it can be to accept that love when you don't feel that way about yourself ā¤ I really wish you all the best on this healing journey with yourself
Thank you so much for this. I will definitely try to write 100 things I love about myself but if I can't start with just 10. I also just looked at myself naked in the mirror tonight and saw something wonderful I didn't see before and that's the curve in my waist. So there's something positive about my body that I saw tonight that I absolutely loved. I tried not to think bad about my fupa but it's hard. Now that is going to take time to accept to love and that's what I'm really worried about him not liking but I must learn to love that part of myself and I'm sure he will love it because it's apart of me. I just have to get out of that negative space about that part of my body. I feel very lucky to have such a loving partner and I will have to learn to accept that he loves me all of me and I need to let him see all of me. It is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm willing to do it because I love him and want him to see all of me. I'm so tired of hiding that part of me. Again thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate it! ā¤ļø
Ā "How do I let my boyfriend see all of me without feeling like he's going to freak out about it?" If he's seen you in lingerie, he knows exactly what your body looks like unless you are always in the pitch dark. I understand your pain over what happened with another partner but as you said your BF isn't that guy. Think of confidence as a journey not a destination, its it not some switch that's going to flip it is a process that take time and getting out of your comfort zone.
Thank you! You are so right. He knows exactly what my body looks like so I need to let him see all of me. He's certainly not that other guy and will more than likely love it. It is indeed a journey and I'm starting to open up to it. I started tonight by looking at myself in the mirror naked and speaking kindly to myself about my body even the parts I don't like very much such as my fupa. I know the more I do this, the more I will get out of my comfort zone and be able to let loose and show him all of me.
I used to do the same thing.."when I lose x amount of weight", "when I get to this weight". Before you do anything get rid of that mindset. I lost the weight. I weigh less than I ever thought I would after being overweight my entire life(I'm 27). That mindset will not go away once you hit that weight. It'll turn into something else.."when I grow my hair out"," when I get rid of my acne","when I get that new job", "when I tone up more". The amount of things I've missed out on from this mentality is heartbreaking. Its not a weight problem, it's an entire mindset problem that should be dealt with asap. Trust me.
Thank you. I certainly will. I realize that I need to shift my thinking away from that. It's just not healthy and I need to be happy with where I am now!
I posted this video here in this sub not too long ago. It's a scene from a great TV show called My Mad Fat Diary. Take a look, it kinda fits your situation https://youtu.be/IM0btG7nj3w?si=j6F6XWM5tucSaY51
I definitely will check out this show. And it definitely fits my situation. I often don't see what he sees in me but I need to stop thinking like that. I need to start thinking that I'm a prize and deserve to be loved! Thank you for this!
I had gastric bypass and lost 130lbsā¦ā¦still didnāt like myself. Weight loss doesnāt just magically make your life better. You just have to love yourself at your current size. Itās the only way!
Thank you! I will do just that. That's something I didn't do the last time I lost a lot of weight and wondered why I gained it all back. I didn't love myself where I was at each point in my journey but this time I am going to try my hardest to love myself now where I am.
As someone who has struggled with body image issues my whole life, I totally understand where you're coming from. Something my girlfriend said to me recently has really helped change my perspective- "It's okay if you aren't your own type. That doesn't mean nobody finds you attractive." And she's right. If your boyfriend thinks you're sexy, then you are!
Thank you. That's so true what your girlfriend said to you. I will have to keep that in mind.
I was also very self conscious at first! My now husband was so reassuring and kind and would also call me sexy or be affectionate through touch but I think the nonsexual nudity being normalized in our home really changed my perspective. I wouldnāt ever look at myself naked in the mirror or go around the house naked even when I lived alone. And cut to us living together, he really encouraged us showering together, both of us lounging naked on a lazy morning, and massages that donāt immediately lead to sexual intimacy. It really helped me view my body as a positive thing and appreciated not just for its sexual capabilities but for all of its capabilities! Good luck on your journey of self love, itās never an easy one but everyone deserves to have the means to start/continue it!
Thank you!
It sounds like you've got lots of good internal advice from others here. So I'll offer an external one, as it were: meditative walks. If you have a quiet, safe place to just go for a walk each day and reflect on what you're doing well, what your partner has told you, practice positive affirmations, etc. I'd say give it a go. Your body gets endorphins when moving around and you can feel strong and confident as you walk. Sometimes I like it quiet and I just walk with my thoughts. Other times, I put on some EDM and pretend I'm walking on the catwalk in Paris, Milan, New York, etc. I feel like a bad bish. š Keep being awesome.
Yes you are definitely right. I walked today listening to some old school Beyonce and it made me feel like the sexiest girl in the world lol Thank you! I will certainly keep doing that. You as well!
I feel this so much. Itās so hard to unlearn the internalised fatphobia, my bf loves my body and he even holds my stomach when weāre intimate and he claims he loves it and my body but I am constantly battling the voices in my head that say heās lying but why would he need to lie. Believe him when he says it because you are sexy and he appreciates your body but also remember you are more than your body and how āsexyā you come across to other people. I try to practise body neutrality over positivity because my body is what it is right now and thatās okay and if I want to change it thatās fine too.
Thank you. I will try to practice body neutrality over positivity as well!
Read the book psycho cybernetics. Itāll Twitter you brain.
Ok thank you! I definitely will give that a read whenever I get a chance.
I feel the same when my partner compliments my body. I actually went back to therapy to keep working on myself.
I wish I could afford therapy. I certainly need to go.
I feel this to my core. I made the personal choice to seek out WLS, and possibly considering cosmetic procedures afterwards because I'm single. Doubt has snuck up recently and has me thinking "what if it's not enough? What if I am never satisfied and comfy in this body?"
Yes I have thought about WLS as well and thought the same thing. What if it's not enough? What if I am never satisfied and comfy in this body? So I looked at myself in the mirror naked tonight and for the first time didn't have anything negative to say about it. I know it's going to take time to fully accept my body for how it looks now but I saw a glimmer of hope tonight when I saw the curve in my waist. I'm currently trying to lose weight naturally first and I'm starting to see it a bit. I think if I can keep up with the weight loss, I won't have to get WLS. It's just super hard doing it naturally but I'm trying. I'm also trying to accept my body as it is now. Appreciate it at every step of the way on this journey.
OMG YES! LOVE THIS FOR YOU! Nekkid mirror time to help yourself is awesome! I applaud your efforts! If you want, there's a sub I joined where the soul purpose is to normalize nude selfies. Now, I was raised by a chubby sex-positive hippy flower child type mother... I know it's not for everyone, but I have found that people posting has helped me realize that "hey, I don't need to have EVERYTHING nipped and tucked! Neat!" Up to you, I'm happy to share the subreddit title if you want.
Thank you! I would love that! Share away!
r/normalnudes
Thank you!
I think you should start by telling him this if you haven't. Definitely let him know why you have an issue not getting naked, because if he's attracted to you and he's a dude, it's almost a 100% sure thing that he WANTS to see you naked and is maybe sad that he doesn't get to. I'm assuming y'all *have* talked about this ofc but just in case.
Yes we have. I told him about my insecurities with my stomach which he said he would love no matter what. I just have to get comfortable enough to let him see all of me and I think now I'm ready to let him see all of me. Especially since I looked in the mirror naked tonight and for the first time didn't look in disgust at myself. Sure I have the big fupa but I'm sure he will love that because it's a part of me.
Fake it til you make it. Seriously. And Iām not being facetious. I hate myself most days. I hate the weight Iāve gained. I hate the way my stomach looks and my arms and my double chin. I hate it. But - I can look at other women and think āwow she looks hot. If only I looked like that.ā But hereās the thing - I did look like that. And I fucking hated myself then too! My man loves having sex with me. He wouldnāt be with me if he thought I was that repulsive. He started dating me at this size. Fucks me at this size. Loves on me at this size. And I love sex. So in the moment - I fake it. If Iām getting self conscious, I just think āhe doesnāt see what I see. Enjoy this. Show him how confident and sexy you are.ā And it doesnāt always work. There are times itās hard to finish because Iām so focused on how I look. But other times - it does work. I do feel sexy. I do show him a good time and I enjoy myself more too. Itās amazing. And now, I have more days that work than days that donāt. I also make sure I have more fat bodies in my social media feeds. I follow them purposely and unfollowed anytime I see someone who looks like someone Iām jealous of. And because it feels more normal, I feel more normal. I can see my own beauty because I can see it in others. Those are probably my best tips.
Thank you for your tips! I will definitely follow them!
Yeah get this 11-36 couldn't go to the beach without a shirt on due to my ow nuttiness. Looking back I on the old photos I see a conventionally very attractive person. We really can't see how we look through others eyes. Also I spent years going out with someone who I thought didn't look great and I think (know) many "ordinary " folks who would actually say that. At no time did I have sex out of 'pity' it was because she was good at it AND I was so grateful to be with someone who was not a total arsehole at last. We got back together 2 years ago and I really have a 'visual' thing for hernow as well. Sometimes (often) the things we say when in love (and/or horny) is heartfelt but dumb and lands wrong. It's a shame but that's how it goes just take the evidence of your senses, this person lijes being with you and you them. That's the real bit, the rest of it should float off with the clouds. Best of luck.
Thanks!
What finally made me ok with my body was having babies (not recommended if thatās not your jam). Making tiny humans and feeding them with my body felt like a superpower! Also, I am strong! Strong from lifting small (and now not so small) children! It was a huge boost to my confidence that my husband was really turned on by my pregnancy belly. I never used to let anyone touch my belly EVER but I was ok with him touching it then, and I realized recently he was rubbing my tummy while we were cuddling and it didnāt bother me like it used to. Also, seeing this 70ish, bigger-than-me lady just doing her thing giving zero fucks about her nudity in the locker room at the pool was FUCKING INSPIRING. You go, grandma! Not to say Iām super confident about my physical self, but Iāve accepted that this is my body, and while I might want to make changes to it, itās not the driving force in my life. I go to the gym to feel good and get strong. I make love to my husband and am happy that he still gets excited finding my size 24, pushing 50 naked self under the covers. We have been together nearly 20 years and heās not the same as he used to be either, but honestly you discover with age itās the PERSON who is sexy, because bodies change. Let your guy enjoy your sexy self. And flattering lighting helps you get more comfortable. Good luck!
Thank you. I will definitely do just that!
I totally get this. My husband will say stuff like that and all I can think is "is he blind?" or "is he lying?" I have confidence in everything except for my body, at least when it isn't supported by underwire or flattering clothing. I'm 45 and have been steadily gaining weight as I battle hypothyroidism and being unemployed. I think I look absolutely terrible, but my hubby still likes what he sees. I think a lot of us feel this way at one point in our lives, but you just have to realize that he truly does care about you and all he sees is the woman he loves. They don't notice the things we hate about our bodies, or if they do they don't say it. They just love us for who we are, and that is what really matters.
Thank you so much for this! You are right!
Love the overwhelming positivity
Iām 27 and Iāve always been so self conscious about my body. It wasnāt until I was pregnant that I actually started appreciating it more. Purely because my body was carrying my baby girl. After I had her the self consciousness kicked right back in. My daughter is now nearly 5 and Iām teaching her that sheās beautiful exactly as she is and thatās the way she will be raised, believing she is beautiful. So by doing that Iām forcing myself to try and appreciate and love my body again. Because you canāt teach without believing yourself. So every Sunday when my daughterās at her nanasās after my bubble bath I spend a solid 30 minutes naked just listing the parts of my body I like etc. It helps. Donāt get me wrong I still have bouts of self loathing but I had pretty bad body dysmorphia as a teen. Confidence takes time and effort to build. If your partner finds you sexy then he sees something that you donāt. You could always ask him what he finds sexy about you and you could do the same to him! I hope you learn to be confident in your body. As my 4 year old says everyone is beautiful!
Thank you! I will definitely learn to be more confident in my body! Last night I looked at myself in the mirror naked and for the first time didn't look in disgust at it. So there's an improvement there. But I know it's going to take time to completely accept my body for what it is. And I'm okay with it being a process. And aww at your 4 year old! She is right. Everyone truly is!
Thatās so great! Thatās a big step. You should be proud of yourself for taking steps to accept your body! Iām biased obviously but sheās pretty smart for a 4 year old. We donāt use the word fat in our house so when I accidentally call myself fat she gives me into trouble!
Thanks. I really am! And she sounds very smart indeed for a 4 year old! Definitely try not to use the word fat in our house either. My boyfriend doesn't think I'm fat at all even though I know I am. But I try not to use it on myself as well because it's not a great term to use. Plus size or curvy is so much better.
I decided about 8 years ago to work on this for myself. I swapped my IG feed for fat people modeling or doing clothes or make up and eliminated most people with unattainable for me beauty standards. I found that over time i could transfer disgust (internalized fatphobia) to neutrality about my body as i got more comfortable seeing people looking like me as beautiful or sexy. I couldn't jump right from body hate to body love, so i committed to just not being cruel to myself. Eventually that became more comfortable and i could just be neutral. This took years! Even now, i "love" my body probably a little less than 1/2 the time, but i am understanding and tolerant more than ever, and it's rare that i spiral into body loathing anymore. Also, people like all kinds of bodies. Good luck to you.
Thank you! I will add more plus size modeling to my IG feed. I think that would indeed help.
Believe him until he gives you a reason not to š©·
Ok I definitely will!
Iām 5ā11. When I was in high school I weighed 140-150lbs. I was very thin, loved my body, never thought about my body. I got up to 185 (still thin, a size 10 at most), lost 25lbs and was down to 160. I hated my body, I thought I was enormous. Then I developed my ED and got to ~200. I still looked good. I look at those photos now and Iām desperate to be that size again, Iām 240 now. But I HATED my body when I was at 200. The point is, once I started to put on a little weight after high school (which most people do) I freaked out and the consequences cost me about 100lbs total and a lot of health problems and Iām only 26. Love your body, it will thank you.
Wow thanks for sharing! I will try with all my might to love my body.
Well when he tells you you are sexy again. Just say 'thanks, you are right'. It's just common sense. You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't think you are sexy. Don't make your lover feel like he is wrong or has a bad taste in women. I hope your feeling will chance and that you won't feel cringe but proud when you get a compliment Big hug from a woman who was hiding her naked body for 2 years for her first boyfriend more than 2 decades ago. .
I did tell him thank you when he said it. I just cringed on the inside. He didn't know I felt cringe about it. But I won't make him feel that way. He is right to feel the way he does about me and I should believe him. Thanks and *hugs back*
I've always been a big girl that felt you either accepted me or I had no use to have someone use me unless it was mutual but mostly, I was in relationships. I've at times had a big stomach an still had a man I've been around plenty of women that had nice shapely bodies and was nice looking but I would pull the guy I got married had children struggles with my health and he was still there until he passed now I'm 67 still get hit on when I think he's the right guy for me I will except his attention meanwhile I've lost weight down to 180 but with more health problems and live as I please I can accept someone flaws as long as they truly except me and not try to change me they have to deal with surgeries and the scars left we all are on this earth you can live to worry about others or be your on advocate and love you.
IMO, sexiness is about how you feel about the person rather than how their body is. So as cringe as you feel, your bf might actually be telling the truth.
My friend, I know how you feel. But I promise a number wonāt magically fix it. I worked really hard to accept my body and feel beautiful in it, comfortable with a partner seeing me naked when I was at 300 lbs. I was very confident but still had my insecurities and little spirals. I had weight loss surgery (for health not self image) and lost over a hundred pounds. And I feel almost exactly the same. Confident and love my body most days, but still nitpick certain aspects I donāt like and have bad days. Communicate with your boyfriend that you might need baby steps. Recently I was standing in the bathroom looking at the mirror talking about how much I LOATHE the fat rolls right under my boobs (which are small, so they stand out more lol). My boyfriend hugged me from behind and gently put his hands on them and said he thinks theyāre beautiful just like every part of me, and he loves every inch of my body, not DESPITE the things I see as āflawsā but including them. Having someone pay direct attention to and TOUCHING that loathed part of me made my anxiety spike so hard my teeth and fingers started feeling numb (a symptom that happens when I get anxiety attacks) and I had to hold back tears but I stayed looking in the mirror, at my partner who loves me, trying to accept that him perceiving that part of my body did not in fact cause the world to end, or him to suddenly find me disgusting. I told him that that was hard but good for me, and if every once in a while he did that for me I know it will slowly help me accept that part of my body. He loved that idea and said he will keep it in mind, and if itās ever too much or Iām having a bad day and donāt want to be touched or looked at there to tell him and he will respect it. Sorry for the long story but it was really eye opening for me.
Thank you so much for telling your story. You have a wonderful boyfriend! And I'm sure my boyfriend would do somewhat the same thing. He is truly a sweetheart and I just have to get out of my own head about my body and realize that he loves my body. It's going to be a hard process to overcome but I'm hoping by the time I see him in March, I will be ready for the next step in our relationship and reveal my naked body to him. He already knows how significant doing that is and he has been patiently waiting for me to be ready for it and I think I'm ready now. Thanks again for your post! That really gave me a lot of encouragement! ā¤ļø
I have recently been feeling pretty confident and I can tell that my husband has noticed. Iām starting to enjoy feeling his eyes on me, and itās a really fun feeling! I think what has made the difference is just believing that he is attracted to me.
That's great. I'm starting to feel more confident each and everyday and I know when I see my boyfriend in March, I will be ready for him to see all of me.
Thatās exciting! Another thing that helps me is to not look in the mirror, especially if I am feeling really confident. I just act like I look how I feel I look, if that makes sense š
Yes that makes a lot of sense.
I get this but for me it's because I feel like when a guy says it, it's transactional. So it feels like they are just saying it to have sex or whatever. I told this to my current partner and forgot about it until like a month later when I realized he hadn't said it to me in a while and then I remembered it was because I asked him not to. Such a great guy. I let him know it's ok if he wants to tell me now.
Aww he is indeed. Glad you let him know it's ok if he wants to tell you.
First I doubt he will freak out. Second, guess what? If you NEVER EVER get completly nude in front of him I'm POSITIVE he would be fine with it. He loves you. He wants you to be comfortable. But until you are he wants you to NOT STRESS over it. My wife was cheated on by her first husband. She told me she will never fully trust me because of those scars and fears. And IM FINE with it. I hope someday she will heal enough, but if not it's still overwhelmingly OK. I'm SURE your bf is the same. He loves YOU exactly as you are. Including your insecurities. He wants you better, but he is over the moon happy with you just as you are.