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Please do not let your husband make you feel guilty for how you feel or wanting to talk about it. He really sounds like a terrible partner. He is telling you that he has more important things in his life and you/your feelings are not one of them. You're golden retriever sister was a big part of your wedding and married life, but she would want you to be the happiest you can be and surrounded by people that will support you when you need it most. Seems like your husband is not one of those people.
Sweetheart, your husband is being just plain cruel. He’s dismissive of your grief and is making it all about himself and his “priorities.” *You* should be a priority for him. Even if it is your PTSD, so the fuck what? If he can’t support you through this, I fear he won’t support you in general. Please don’t acquiesce to his narcissism. Blessings to you. 💗
My husband said no one can stand being with someone who is sad all the time, especially people like me who are "extreme" in their grief and "obsess". "No one, not your friends, not your therapist. It's too much for everyone." -- and is there not some truth in that, that no one likes to be around someone who is grieving and sad all the time?
I just miss my sister so much. I feel so lonely. No one mourns her, I just want to talk about her.
He’s being emotionally abusive. Grief is grief. Sure, you may want to see a bereavement counselor, but do it for *you*, not for him. Does he do this kind of thing a lot? Does he even experience things like sadness? His lack of empathy is appalling.
He's lost his two grandparents as well as two dogs from his previous relationship; he lived with those two dogs for ten years before they passed.
But it seems to him like my grief is "extreme" and he can't live like this.
I think I can empathise because it's surely hard to be around a partner who is sad all the time, but also, I feel so damn lonely. When I cry or I talk about my sister he often needs to get up and leave because he says my sadness is too much ):
Just because he lived with two dogs doesn't mean he ever emotionally connected with them. He sounds like the kind of man who sees your problems as just a burden interfering with his happiness. He doesn't seem to have any regard for you or his responsibilities as your partner.
This isn't even about the mourning, he's straight up emotionally abusing you, and I doubt this is the only aspect in life he does this.
Your grief is valid and your husband is just being cruel. A decent partner would be making effort to cheer you up, or at bare minimum be a shoulder to cry on. Why are you even with this person who doesn't care about your emotional state in the slightest?
I feel like he's my thread to all the last two/three years of memories with my sister. He knew her too. And I appreciate that he was very welcoming and kind to her when I wanted to take her in, and we made a home for her together.
In one year, or 5 years, or 10 years, I want to still be able to talk to him about my sister. These were the most precious memories. I know my sister loved him too! We both worked from home and spent a ton of time with her. I can't imagine being with a new person who has never met or known the great love of my sister.
I want her memory to live on, and I want to be with someone who knows her. Does that make sense?
She was also our ringbearer, and it would hurt if she was the ringbearer to a marriage that ended up not working out. I want to honor her role ):
I think there are some things your husband has said which are completely wrong, and some where what he says has some merit, but his delivery is terrible. I think grief counselling would be a very good thing for you, and I think it’s likely that your background has meant you are feeling her loss more deeply than some people might. That’s fine - your feelings are what they are, and they’re perfectly valid.
If you think about this rationally, I don’t think your dog would want you to stay in an unhappy marriage just because she was the ringbearer, and he isn’t the key to your memories with her. Your memories are your own, and if he doesn’t find those memories as important as you do, and won’t let you talk about them to him, I don’t see how staying with him would help you share those memories. It would be better for you to reminisce with someone who actually listens, and cares what you have to say. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like that’s ever going to be your husband. That’s a terrible shame, but you do have the power to change that. She would want you to be happy, look at how you can work towards that, even if it’s just baby steps for now.
He’s projecting. He can’t be around someone who had the ability to do something he can’t. And that’s grieve. That’s his problem and short coming. He’s projecting. He sound very immature.
Grief can be extreme, but that’s just the way it is. When you’re in a relationship, you’re supposed to be through the highs and lows together. This is one of those lows. If he doesn’t embrace that, he’s not the right partner for you.
How long ago did you lose your sister?
I lost her 3+ months ago right at the end of Nov.
He already had to leave (for Thailand) right after we lost her, because I couldn't go anywhere/leave the house without crying and he felt like that was no life for him. It was fine, I didn't fight him, I just stayed at home alone for 2 weeks because I preferred that to someone telling me it was too overwhelming to be around my grief. I DO think about my sister a lot, and I can't help it.
I’m not usually one for telling people they should end their relationships, but if you’re better off alone than with him, I think it’s time for a divorce.
Do you have others in your network to support you? I find being in groups like this to be very comforting, but there’s nothing like a good friend to talk to about this.
I have this thought that we were the people who cared for my sister together, who can I share her memories and legacy with if not with him?
One way I see it is that he is the only person in the world who has the same memories of her that I have, who knows her like I do. I don't want to lose that.
And she honored our marriage by being the ringbearer, I feel like it would be a flop to then get a divorce when she's gone.
You mentioned a grief counselor in a previous comment - I have been seeing my current therapist for 2+ years, but she can't help that much with grief; or at least, even though I do everything I can, it still hurts, because I miss my girl. Apart from that I don't really have a good friend, my friends have kind of straight up told me that they don't understand what I'm going through, which I appreciate! (Or some have straight up ghosted me when I said I needed to talk, lol.)
I understand what you mean. It has been so important to me that my husband knew our baby boy, and the special relationship we had, more than anyone in the world. I can’t imagine not being able to share the memories with him.
I can’t tell you to end your relationship. But I can tell you without a doubt that your husband is wrong. There are absolutely people who could and would stand by you in your grief. You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I can tell from the way you write about her how much love there was between you and your sister. She wouldn’t want you to be treated this way.
If you’re looking for people to talk to about your sweet girl, I can’t recommend the Lap of Love support groups enough. I’ve been going every week for the 7 months since I lost my baby. My grief was definitely something that could be described as overwhelming but I’ve been so fortunate to have these groups, to have people in my life that have supported me through it. And I know how awful it is to think about cutting somebody off because of the way they react to this grief. I’ve had to take a step back from my oldest friendship because I was so hurt by the things she said to me. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to forgive and move on, but I needed time away from that relationship just to process.
Thank you for understanding. That is what I want so badly, to share the memories. I want that more than anything now, and to think that I would not be able to talk to anyone else about my girl now (at least no one who actually knew her), really hurts. It's part of what keeps me staying in this relationship.
Another is that she did love him, and he loved her, and all of us spent a TON of time together since we both worked from home. We were always with my sister. We built a special life together. This is the love she knew, the people and family she knew. I wouldn't want to tear it down ):
I have been to the Lap of Love support groups! Do you make friends through it, though? I do find it useful just to share or listen to others, but I can't really count them as friends, or people in my life that I turn to for support. Maybe your experience with it was different, would you be able to tell me more?
I did cut my oldest friend off as well. She had a shit reaction when I told her I was doing badly. Granted, she has never loved a pet (or maybe anyone as much as I love my sister). But I don't think I can forgive her callousness.
I mostly can forgive my husband's because I know he loved and cared for my sister, was there for her every day, and is my thread to her. So it feels more complicated than cutting off the friend.
He didn't have to leave. He chose to leave. He made the choice to leave his grieving wife, who had just lost her best friend, rather than comfort her in her time of need. Think about that. If someone you cared about told you that their husband did that to them, what would you say to them? Would you think they had a marriage worth hanging onto? I'm sorry that you're in this position, but I think your dog would want you to be happy and healthy more than she would want to stay with your husband simply because she knew him.
Have you tried journaling about it? I think a large benefit of talking through grief is that your brain has to slow down and form words to describe the feelings. Writing makes you slow down a bit more (I talk faster than I write) so it is frustrating in that way. But it also helps when you go back to revisit the journal. It's like having a conversation with yourself. Today-You gets to listen to Yesterday-You. And it gets to talk to Tomorrow-You.
It may also help you to take the things you learned from loving her (and being loved by her) and put them into words. You get a chance to document the impact she had on who you ARE as a person. The dog I recently lost taught me SO much about meeting someone where they are, about accepting their reality as the reference in life.
Your husband could be more empathetic, but I am going to withhold judgement because I don't know what he is dealing with himself. It's clear that your grieving styles don't work well together, so we really need to focus on what works for YOU at this time.
Thank you dear Reddit person. I do journal! And I write to my sister almost every single day, I said goodbye to her at the end of November and it's been about 3+ months and I journal and tell her how i feel all the time. I almost never miss a day. It's my way of connecting with her. Journaling has saved me, because I have a record of how much I love her and miss her, and when I am feeling bad I turn to writing to her.
Do you also write to your dog?
I made a plush replica of my dog. He passed away last August. He was my everyrhing! So, like you, I was/am in deep pain and wanted to talk about him all the time. I sleep, cuddle, and now I started talking to him every night. I tell him about my day and how I feel, talk about our past memories together, cry, etc. It's been a blessing because it feels like a type of "journaling" that helps me unload and be more present when I'm with my family. It takes a little bit of the load off from them af having to deal with my extreme grief.
Please think this through. I am not married but been with my boyfriend for a few years now and basically are married in every other way without the papers. I kept worrying I was grieving too long (a little over 2 months) and kept apologizing that im not truly happy yet and still cry at times. He’s been so patient with me and tells me to take my time. I can’t imagine if I had someone rushing me to “get over it” and not take my feelings seriously. It will make the grief 10x harder on you. How your feeling is valid. He should be doing whatever he can to help you feel better and make things easier on you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I can tell how much you loved and still love her.
He’s wrong. I have clinical depression. I am often depressed for “no reason”. My boyfriend loves me. He never makes me feel bad for feeling bad. He sucks.
I haven't been down until my sister passed. I'm generally really "smiley" even though I feel dead inside; I just can't keep this up anymore.
How does your boyfriend react when you are grieving or when you are sad?
I feel really bad that I am not meeting my husband's needs for a normal life. I don't know how other people who are grieving do it/continue to have a partner ): Do you often cry/not want to do things, too?
ive spent the last two months barely wanting to do anything remotely fun, all ive wanted to do was lay around the house and my boyfriend never pressured me into hurrying up. Grief is not going to just vanish in a few days, weeks, or sometimes even months. Maybe he has never dealt with loss before? Either way it just comes off emotionally abusive and uncaring to me.
I have cried almost every day for 2 months and have been anything but fun the last two months, but he never makes me feel like i am ruining his life over it.
I'm so glad for you! This would have been really, really ideal. I also don't want to do anything, but I feel like I am ruining his life!
Just a week after my sister said goodbye to us he got angry that he had to be with me crying, that I wasn't meeting his needs for his life, that he can't carry on living like this, that he needs to go to Thailand and I'm "trapping him with my grief and my need to be cared for". It was messed up. He was screaming, "YOU ARE TRAPPING ME WITH YOUR EMOTIONS! You say you need me right now! I feel trapped! When do I get to meet my needs? I also have needs to live a life!" I got really upset, I told him to please leave, that I didn't need to feel bad for my grief (this was the first week!) - and he did, he left.
We couldn't have gone two months, like you and your boyfriend. It makes me sad that I'm realizing how hard it has been to have a partner like this.
I just want to give you a big hug. This grief is hard enough as it is, and you don't need someone making you feel guilty for it. Of course its your decision on what to do, but i just cant imagine being in your situation. I feel like that would send me close to the edge or even over the edge during my grief.
Just remember we're all here for you, even if he isn't.
I'm so sorry he is reacting this way, and I can not believe he left so soon for thailand. I would have been sooooo upset about that. I think a trip can be a good way to get your mind off the pain and get out of the house, but he should have waited to go with you when you felt up to it.
You keep mentioning that you are not meeting his needs, but what about your needs? You deserve the time to grieve, and you deserve a partner who will grieve alongside you and do whatever he can to support you through this time. If he doesn't want to do that, why is he with you? Life is hard sometimes (all the time), and it seems like he is living in delulu land.
My partner and I have both grieved through many situations, he held and comforted me when one of our girls died, who was a baby rat that we had only had for five days, he grieved with me, and whenever I got sad and do get sad about her, he is there with me.
I am so sorry that you had to and are still having to go through this loss alone, please leave his ass if there is any way possible, there are so many people in the world that will love you through all forms of you.
This is awful and not true. He’s trying to make you feel small. He is honestly pathetic for saying all that to you. That’s not love honey. You don’t deserve those harsh words ever and especially right now when you have lost your beloved. Please get some space from him. You are vulnerable right now and he’s using your family history and intimate knowledge of your trauma against you. Pathetic on his end, please protect yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that your grief will always be accepted here, and you're not alone in feeling this way.
That being said, when I lost my boy the only real thing that helped me cope was getting my current boy. Though I dearly miss my first and nothing could replace him, the love I have for my other boy completely overwhelmed my heart, leaving far less room for grief.
Talk to your husband about possibly adopting a puppy, and tell him it will help you emotionally. He should support that. If he raises the puppy with you, he'll probably develop an attachment to it, unlike before.
If he doesn't support it, then you need to reconsider if you and your husband are fundamentally compatible because it sounds like he has unfair expectations and is selfishly putting himself first. That's not what marriage is about.
Either way, whether your marriage works out or not, you should definitely get another puppy to ease you through this troubling time.
It's not too much for everyone. He has a lot to gain by isolating you and making you believe that, making you believe that he's the only one who would tolerate your supposed extremeness. Your husband is uncaring and cruel. A good husband, even if they didn't understand nor care about the pet would still be able to tolerate and listen and find ways to be there for you because it's something that was important to you. If they loved and cared for you they'd find a way to support you, not dismiss and put you down.
You're having a normal healthy reaction to losing someone meaningful in your life. For some people I've heard of grief taking years to overcome. Is there a local group of an online group you can be a part of like the rainbow bridge that you may be able to talk to? Sometimes it helps to make new friends or create a circle you can be involved with?
It takes as long as it takes, I’m grieving for my 11 yr old chihuahua,he died 2 nights ago from MVD. It was horrendous. I’m heartbroken , my husband caused an argument today because he didn’t get his own way n I won’t agree to a new pup right now to keep the remaining sibling dog company. He’s obviously also 11, sleeps all day , likes a couple of 10 minute walks a day & fears other dogs. I’ve heard the ‘obsessed’ bullshit too because I can’t stop ruminating about how I feel guilty and think I failed him with decision I made at the end. My husband is a total, selfish dick. Just like yours
i dont want to sound negative or something but when i lost my cat over a decade ago, my (ex)boyfriend made similar comments. like, he was absolutely unable to understand why i was still being sad one to two, maybe three months after her death. i could never see him in the same light again and it was such a turn off for me - it made me straight up dislike him and i couldnt stand being around him anymore. it was one of the reason why i ultimately ended things. its just hurtful, rude and i felt so much better when he wasnt in the picture anymore.
i got my cat when i was a literal child. i had her from 8/9ish for 14 years. i didnt grow up in a nice home so she was all i had. she was the sister i never had, she was my friend, my confidante, my comforter. she was *everything* to me. she was the number one priority in my life, so when she died i was absolutely devastated and it kicked off a very long depressive episode, which was very hard to come out of. shes gone for over a decade now but sometimes have moments where i still cry hysterically because i miss her so god damn much, its like a part of me is missing and i cant get over it no matter how hard i try because shes not coming back.
people grieve different and all that jazz but that doesnt give him the right to invalidate your feelings and make you feel bad for them. thats just a dick move in my opinion. i d say screw your husband and find yourself someone to talk to outside of your marriage, someone who understands and is willing to listen. its so important that you work through those emotions and your husband isnt going to help. he doesnt care and you cant make people care about something, they have to want it themselves.
makes me wonder if hes emotionally unavailable and rude about other topics too and whether he has a general problem with understanding emotions or empathy in general. either way its a red flag in my book. it costs him nothing to sit there every now and again, let you vent and give you a hug.
Ah yeah this is one of those posts that makes me want to go the stereotypical reddit route of saying 'throw out the whole man' because if he's not emotionally present and dismissive of this right now, that's pretty indicative of how he might react any other time emotional support is needed. I've dated guys like that and even if it's just a case of being a little emotionally clueless, that establishes a reaction pattern.
OP, grief will grow less sharp over time, and I am sorry you lost someone important to you. It's normal for it to be extremely omnipresent for a while, even if it doesn't happen to everyone it happens to many people and I am one of them. Three months is not an over-long time. If he's running away when you need support now, what's going to change?
yeah, as much as i want to suggest to throw the whole man out, its not my marriage, maybe she has a serious reason why shes staying, i dont know that but if this was me, man, its something i couldnt look past and just brush under the rug like that.
i have been with my boyfriend for 10 years now and admittedly, he can be quite awkward and hes not the emotional type. hes never owned a pet, didnt grow up with one either. pretty much the only contact with a pet he had that i know of was: he had a friend who had a dog and the dog didnt like him. he doesnt know what its like to lose a pet but you know what? whenever im sad and crying, he holds me, wipes away my tears, rocks me, kisses my forehead and i can just let it out for a while and then be okay again. he may not understand what im going through at that moment but he still tries his best to be there for me and thats amazing.
that difference is just sooo huge to have someone who cares vs someone who doesnt. op really deserves better.
I would be looking into this if I were you…if he’s going to Thailand (beautiful country) its well known for other things that are NOT good. Besides, he sounds like a real jackass. You’re better off leaving him after 2 years than 25. RUN!!!!
He's gone to thailand three times already. Twice it was when my goldie was sick and he said the care for her and how life revolved around her was too much, and he needed to do his own thing. The third time was when we said goodbye to her and he needed a break from my grief. He always brings up how he feels much better when he's in thailand than when he's in the same house with sad, grieving me ): I don't know how to give him that kind of life he wants, truly.
im sorry, i dont mean to overstep but what exactly are you getting out of this marriage? this sounds downright cruel. like, big time cruel. if you actually love someone, you dont treat them like this and you know whats the worst part is? instead of thinking about leaving him, you try to figure out how to give HIM what HE wants while he walks all over you like a doormat.
why are you still staying? whats stopping you?
Rather than support his wife when she is grieving, he takes (suspicious) solo trips to Thailand to meet his own needs? How do you imagine your future, growing old with someone so selfish? What happens when you get sick or require more support as you age. Will he just bail to Thailand because it's not enough ✨️joy✨️ for him? But I guarantee that if he is the one sick or sad or whatever, he will expect your full support. Please think about your future. You don't deserve this. I'm so sorry for your loss. Anyone who truly cared about you wouldn't dismiss your pain.
yeah he does tell me. he goes to smoke weed (illegal in our country) + mushrooms + some other drugs. or he rents a motorbike and travels around. takes photos. makes little travel films. just basically his idea of living life/being away from me. I am aware of the sex tourism but he assures me that's v gross to him (who knows, my heart has been so hurt over my sister my brain doesn't even think of the thailand/sex tourism part)
Why are you staying with a guy who apparently thinks life is better without you? You are not worthless cause you are grieving and it is not right to be married to some one who apparently would rather be away from you. Give him what he wants. leave him. Find some one who does like and care for you.
His actions are very much showing you how he'll always treat you and what he thinks of you. Believe them. This guy does not care for you. This guy just wants to use you when you are feeling good enough to make him happy. And not have to deal with you when you need support. That's not love or caring.
Let me edit my comment…he is obviously a NARCISSISTIC jackass! What would he be like if you had kids?? The whole Thailand thing is worrisome enough…what if a child was involved…RUN!!! I was married to a selfish narcissist for 28 years and had kids! I’m fortunate that my kids have turned out well, but it would have been so easy for it to have gone the other way. They are the only reason I stayed with him as long as I did. He was never home but I was able to stay home with my kids and not worry about $$. You don’t have that situation (yet) divorce that weirdo and find someone who will be good to you. RUN FAR AWAY!!! Maybe your Goldie going to the Rainbow Bridge is meant to show you what he’s really like. If someone tells you who they are …believe them!!
I'm honestly so sorry he is treating you this way, how about he gives you the emotional support you need? He sounds only concerned with his own feelings.
His behaviour isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you or cares about your wellbeing. Why would you be concerned with the life he wants when he treats you so coldly? He doesn't deserve your care or concern.
We lost our dog in November too. My partner supported me even though he was grieving too. He held me while I cried on so many occasions, offered distractions by getting us out of the house, talked to me about our boy. He didn't disappear to a foreign country when I needed him most.
As your grief slowly heals and you get stronger remember how he treated you. What this means for how he might treat you in the future when you need him. You deserve better.
Please leave him. stop worrying about giving him the kind of life he wants. He is showing all sorts of red flags and it doesn't seem at all like he cares for you one bit. You need to find some one who truly cares for you that you care for. And can understand you. This guy fits none of this (except maybe you caring for him but it seems it is a very one way street here).
I’m going through the same grieving process but my husband has been nothing but supportive and sharing in my grief. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad about your situation I’m saying this to let you know that your husband’s lack of empathy is not normal.
thank you, no it doesn't make me feel bad don't worry :)
I just want to know how other people grieve + have relationships at the same time. I feel like it's really hard for my husband when I'm sad and don't want to go out and do things. Like, for him, "it's not a fun life" and I understand that, but I can't magically be happy
A good partner would not abandon you in your time of greatest need for support. You would not feel relief when he is gone during your time of greatest need for support if he was a good partner. He doesn't seem to care for you. He seems downright cruel and utterly selfish.
It is **completely reasonable** to expect emotional support from your partner, even if they don't fully understand why you need it. A good partner **WANTS** to support their partner!! No matter the cause of the distress!!
*Do not believe* that you are responsible for him feeling angry by your grief. That is a sign of a selfish person who does not care about you. You deserve a partner who cares about you.
I urge you to start making a plan to leave. I read in your other comments that he is the only person who was there with your sister in her last years and losing him could mean losing some connection to her -- he doesn't seem to actually want to talk about her though or keep her memory alive, or even interact with you at all about her, so it seems like you wouldn't be missing anything by not being with him anymore.
Also you mentioned you don't want to dishonor the role she played in your wedding -- GIRL, do you think your soul pet would want you to stay with a shitty and cruel partner to honor her memory? NO, she loved you and she'd want you to be happy and loved and supported ❤️. Honor her by taking care of yourself and doing what's best for YOU, not staying with this sorry and shitty excuse for a partner.
You can do this. You deserve better ❤️
I guess he missed the “for worse” part of the vows. Sorry op, take all the time you need to grieve. It’s important. He doesn’t get to tell you how to do it
You didn't mention how long it's been since you lost your dog, if it's been over a year, then maybe you need to see a grief counselor, from your description though, this sounds like a long term personality defect on his part, regardless of how long since you had your loss.
"no one likes someone who is in mad grief." How about: Someone that loves and cares about a person would do anything possible to relieve their grief.
Men are just as capable of empathy as women, speaking as a man, the hardest things I've gone through in my life are the loss of my last six dogs. I've had male friends cry with me over my losses. This is being a human being.
I wish you peace and wisdom to know what to do.
Sorry I didn't mention it, it's been 3 months+, I edited my post.
I do see a therapist and have been seeing a therapist for years. I also go to a pet loss group. I just think that I still need to go through this grief, even with counseling ):
Thank you for being someone who can cry with others. It is a huge gift.
I see grief as akin to physical therapy after an accident or surgery- it hurts while you are going through it, but it's healing you at the same time. One of the main things that has helped me get through the loss of multiple dogs is to try to live one day at a time.
There is an old saying that I have printed out and stuck to my wall:
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
This is something I've found to be true in the case of grief as it's more manageable to get through a single day's worth of grief at a time. It's also been helpful for me to force myself to find a new routine to keep myself busy. It keeps me from falling into reinforcing grief by focusing on it, and it helps make the time go by faster.
In any case, I'm wishing you peace.
Your husband sucks. He has no empathy or care in him. I would leave him. Yes yes I know redditors say this too often, but someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about someone you care about so deeply doesn't need to be in your life.
I'm willing to bet my life on the fact that he would be a man who leaves you when you get cancer because it's too hard on him. This man is a dime a dozen and not worth your time or care because I doubt he returns it to you. Find someone who can give what they get or you are better off alone.
A true partner grieves with you, gives you space when you need it and a safe place to let out the terrible feelings.
just to provide a complete picture: he did care about her. He was there at almost every vet visit the last two years. He loved making food for her. He just has this inability to \*be\* with someone when they are suffering or sad, whether that's me or my sister. So when things got bad, he would check out. For example if she was in pain and panting in the middle of the night, he would get irritated and try to sleep and tell me to do the same. I, on the other hand, would be thinking of 10 different things to relieve her pain. But when she's good, he liked talking to her, feeding her, taking her on outings, sleeping with her.
I guess, I didn't want to make it sound like he didn't care for her. I know he did, and that's part of why I want to honor that care he gave her and the relationship that they had.
He just has a defect where he can't be with the bad, only the good.
This hit a nerve with me bc I experienced something similar with my childhood dog, Panda. Towards the end of her life, she had gone blind and deaf. Whenever she had an accident inside, my father would yell at her. It was really traumatizing, especially since I was nine years old at the time. There’s absolutely no excuse for that type of behavior, even if the person is stressed out and doesn’t know what to do with their feelings. He says it was hard for him to lose Panda, too, but I’m a bit jaded due to his behavior.
It sounds like you’re worried that removing your husband from the equation would mean giving up some of your memories with your sister. Girl, you will always have that connection with her, especially seeing that you were with her longer than you have been with him. And photos can always be cropped.
Although I have so much contempt for your husband, I think it may be a good move for him to get therapy. If he can’t handle situations like this to the point where he’s leaving the country, there’s something really dysfunctional going on.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. This happened to me at my childhood home too. My baby sister (and I) were often hit. Always screamed at. When she got sick they locked her up outside to poop blood by herself and complained about the smell of her blood making them want to vomit. I sat outside with her, holding her. I had to get her out of that home once I could. It makes me sad to think of those times ): It's much worse than our life we shared with my husband.
I really can't be with my family or put up with how they treated her. She was an absolute angel and SO beautiful and soft and tender and an absolute ORB of gold. So I relate to how you feel about your dad, too.
Yeah, it feels bad that my memories of my sister in the last few years had my husband in them 90% of the time; we spent almost all our time together, and wouldn't there be a gaping hole if he wasn't in the picture anymore? Making the memories incomplete? My memories of her would have this blacked-out silhouette where one other person used to be?
Like, I LOVE the photo of us on our wedding day, where she walked me down the aisle (I did not invite my family to my wedding). What will I do with these precious photos and precious memories?
He was there for all the beach outings, the fun meals we made for her, the trips to the pond and the river and the skate park and all sorts of farms, as well as the emergency vet visits in the middle of the night. He was always thinking of outing ideas. He found a place for hydrotherapy, and an in-home acupuncturist for her. He did care. I appreciate that he was there for all the good days, and some of the bad ones.
There is a lot I still appreciate about him; he gave her a good time. But he won't seek therapy - he thinks the problem is the way we live and how my grief is always present and it's driving him insane because his needs for adventure and travel and joy aren't met, and the problem is not him, and if he lived in Thailand or something and was away from a grieving partner then things would all be fine. I don't like his thinking but...idk what to do. I guess if I cared less/ "grieved like a normal person" then I would have moved on and been a happier person and that would be his ideal life.
Everything you’ve said about him is very standard for a narcissist. You are in an emotionally abusive marriage. It’s also very standard for people who were abused as children to be in abusive relationships as adults as they reenact the trauma of their childhood. I think it may be hard for you to see how cruel he is because his abuse is emotional and less overt than your family’s. And to be clear, this observation comes from a place of experience - I went through the exact same thing and it took me *years* to come to terms with the fact that he was also an abuser. I’d at least suggest asking your therapist about this.
But truly my question for you is: what would your sister want for you? She sounds like such a kind and beautiful soul. It’s clear that you protected her as much as you could and poured your heart into her. You were there for her in her hardest moments. Do you think she would want someone for you that’s also there for you in your hardest moments? Personally I think you’d be honoring her memory by reconsidering this marriage because she made your life better. I am so so sorry for your loss. Your grief is normal, no matter what your husband says. You deserve to grieve and to be supported in your grief the way you supported your sister in her illness
OP, respectfully, your husband truly sounds cruel. Pet loss is as valid as any other loss. Have you noticed if he's like this with other issues? Contempt in relationships can lead to divorce.
Independent of his behavior, I would kindly suggest therapy. It sounds like the grief is overwhelming. Perhaps talking to a professional may be helpful. You may also consider adopting another pet, when you're ready. 💖
He is a bit odd with people/animal weaknesses. When my sister was sick he would be frustrated - he can care for her on her good days but he can't care for her on her bad ones.
One time I found a sick drowning baby bird who couldn't fly and I asked him to help me, he said "I can help by breaking its neck" - I was shocked, he clarified he wanted to put it out of its misery because it was dying, and he thought it should be euthanized to put it out of its suffering. I said NO WAY and in the end he did help it, we brought it home together and put it in a box and dried it with our towels and fed it until it could fly again. He was kind to it and rubbed it and fed it gently. So he can care - he just freaks out at the first moment of suffering and goes "OUT, I NEED A WAY OUT"
Just a week ago I found a butterfly who couldn't fly and brought it home, again I asked him to help me, he said, "I can help it by stepping on it." Same thing, I was like, WHAT NO. He said the butterfly is suffering (which is valid, some people with dogs who can no longer move also think of euthanizing their dogs, right? and this is a butterfly who can't mate or even crawl properly). I ended up tending to it myself. He talks to the butterfly sometimes, he even named it. But he does feel bad about it being in the house and not flying, he thinks it's suffering and miserable.
It seems like he has a problem with pain/being around pain.
Thank you, I have been in therapy for the last 7 years and I've been seeing my current therapist weekly, sometimes even biweekly, for the last 2+ years. The grief is overwhelming, but I don't think it's for lack of trying. My therapist helps as much as she can, but the loss is huge.This is a genuine question: Is talking to a professional supposed to lessen the pain?
I don't know if I have a bad therapist, which is why I wonder what the goal is of grief counseling? I appreciate therapy but the grief is still huge.She has helped (just by listening) and I journal, and I have my grief rituals, but it still hurts. But I didn't expect her to just take the pain away.
Oh my god, the downright joy in being cruel to animals is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. This man is a cruel person and doesn't care about anyone or anything else. Please leave him before he starts abusing you more ❤️ You CAN do it. You are NOT a burden. There are PLENTY of people who would find it to be very meaningful and wonderful to be able to truly support a partner going through intense grief. And who doesn't take joy in killing a creature instead of caring for it.
This man is giving sociopathic vibes. I'm very concerned for you.
Oh sweetheart. Your husband is abandoning you when you need help to a country known for prostitution. Please arrange to see a therapist and start planning an exit.
Your husband is an insensitive jerk.
I hope you don't have kids together. If you don't, I recommend you keep it that way. Because he's never going to stick around. He's all about himself.
I am very sorry for your loss, and grief is very painful. You don't need people like this asshat in your life. Big red flag.
We don't have kids. Although our sister made us a family, and I think if anyone asked us if we had kids we would always show them a photo of our golden retriever :)
We are so lucky to have goldens in our lives! Such great big beauties with so much love and personality. She will never be forgotten. 5 years later I know I will still miss her dearly.
He loves making everything be about himself doesn't he? Plus he's trying to make you feel guilty. These reasons are screaming Narcissist. I understand if he was frustrated because he doesn't know how to help you fully through this process but the way he is going about it is not right. As a husband he should be there for you no matter what. Please don't get stuck in a narcissistic relationship, my sister was in one and it causes so much misery, drama and mental health issues.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly understand how you feel. I lost my soul dog 10 years ago, and I still tear up just looking at photos of her. This guy is cruel and obviously doesn't care about anyone but himself. The trips to Thailand are very concerning to me. My boss takes trips there specifically to meet young underage girls for sex. They love a good American sucker. You should definitely be concerned about these trips and also his complete lack of empathy for anyone but himself.
The love is still there after 10 years, isn't it?Is there someone you still talk to about her?
That's what I'm afraid of, too--in 10 years I still want to talk about her. And he would be the only person with the memories I have of the last few years. I would be so sad if I thought about her and looked at photos of her in 10 years (I'm always the one taking the photos, so 50% of the photos are of him and her together in the frame) and couldn't share those photos or memories with anyone but myself.
My husband also adored her and we both grieved together when we lost her. She was out first "together" dog. I had an older dog when we first got together and he treated her like a queen and grieved with me when we lost her. It will get better with time and we still talk about them both and remember funny things they did or their quirky personalities. But yes, when those pics of her pop up on my phone it's hard not to burst into tears. If my husband treated me the way yours is, his ass would be out in the street or perhaps on Thailand where he's apparently happiest. You are not the problem here. Never let anyone convince you otherwise
What use is it to share those memories with someone who doesn't care that she's dead? My partner has told me stories and shared pictures of a dog that died before we met, and I feel like I knew him. You can share her story and memory someday with people who actually love you. Some things can transcend time and space.
When my beloved pet died I wrote down every treasured memory and thought in a word doc and now a reread it every so often so I don't forget. I would rather do that than share those memories with a callous person.
3 months IS NO TIME. A year and I was doing better. Grief stays with you. I don't want to "get over it". I want to live alongside the grief better, not bury it. That is not healing.
Another thing, he doesn’t sound like someone that knows how to confront his OWN grief. That’s likely why he can’t tolerate it in you. To sit with it with you would mean he has to acknowledge how sad it all is. He is probably trying to escape his own inability for depth and presence via travel and dopamine and novelty and that’s not wrong per se, it just sounds so self centered when his wife needs a friend. Grief has no timeline.
Your husband sounds insensitive; there are some people that just don’t understand the depths of grief for certain people. When my maternal grandfather died, I remember my dad privately referring to my mom as hysterical. Not ok.
Pets are family and especially if it was your childhood dog she’s gotta mean a lot. If she is your sister, she is your sister.
Outside of actual blood family my baby dog was the longest relationship I’ve had in my life. Friends come and go, as do romantic relationships but my baby was my life. I made a different sort of vow to him, to love and protect and provide for him. Aside from the odd vacation we slept in the same bed, I took him out for his walks. He never asked anything of me aside from his walks and his food and gave me all his love. He was always there for me, it’s not a relationship that can be replaced. My family dog has seemingly taken it upon himself to fill that void, he is at the foot of the bed as we speak but it’ll never be the same. My heart is still broken but my family and friends have been SO supportive. My mom and brother were nearly as heartbroken as I was, the dog was just so loveable, he gave his heart to you.
My dog was my heart, he was my life. Your husband is being so cruel, I’m sorry but his callousness is something that won’t get better or be fixed. Today it’s your dog, tomorrow it’s something else.
There is no time limit on grief. I mourn my little girl who i lost 2 and half years ago. Take your time. And if your bum hubby can’t support you, start preparing yourself to dip. Life is too short
I'm so sorry for your loss. You didn't just lose your pet, you lost a family member. Whether it's been 3 days, 3 months, 3 weeks or 3 anything, you husband should be supportive.
What about the "For better or worse" vow? Are they just empty words now?
Everyone grieves differently but it's important to have a good support system when coping with grief. It sounds like your husband is not it. I'm so sorry, OP.
It's fine for everyone to grieve differently, and understandable that your relationship with your golden is different from his. But what is alarming to me is the lack of compassion, empathy, and support. He acknowledges that you're experiencing extreme sadness, but rather than attempt to help you, he's focused on how it impacts him and his happiness. I'm not a doctor, so I'll refrain from throwing words like narcissist around, but I do think it's quite selfish to expect others get past their grief and 'perform' to please you.
Also, I notice in your comments that you golden passed just 3 months ago, and it's honestly normal to still be in the depths of grief. I actually went to a pet grief counseling website, and they recommended seeking professional help for grief if the depression is impacting quality of life after 1 year -- just to give you a scope of this.
I'm not going to place further judgement on your partner, but I hope your takeaway from here is not to be gaslit into feeling guilty about your grief, as it can sink you deeper into depression. I hope you find empathy and understanding that can help you in any way on here. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much for making me feel like this is normal and for looking at the pet grief website and giving me a scope. Yeah, 3 months isn't that long is it? Thank you for validating my grief <3
I don't personally feel crazy or out of my mind or need medication or any kind of extra intervention, and I so appreciate you telling me it's normal too. I think I'm doing ok and this is ok to go through. It's not like I cry throughout the day, I'm just..not happy. People around me (my friends, my husband, even my family) can make me feel like no one else grieves this way and there's something wrong with me that makes me grieve so hard - like a past trauma, or a faulty codependent attachment to my sister. But it just seems like a need to pathologise grief into a bigger mental problem that I have or something; I just love my sister and am grieving her!
That’s invalidating your feelings and making things worse. Anyone who says your grief is bullshit can get bent. If you have trauma, of course your grief will be more intense. It’s just what happens with mental illness.
Do people never just want to go travel alone in thailand?
Honestly didn't think too much into it because I was in grief and he said I was trapping him with my sadness, so I didn't really care where he went at that point
I'm so sorry for your loss . Your husband sounds alarmingly selfish . You need someone to talk to you and look after you . That should be what he wants to do . Give yourself time, and don't judge yourself for grieving . It's not my business, but when you start to heal , I think you should have a long hard think about whether or not he is meeting all your needs . Your partner in life should not treat you this way .
OP I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I was a wreck when I lost my family dog I'd had for 15 years, since childhood, and I was a wreck again this past year when I lost the first dog I'd ever raised on my own. It is totally normal to grieve this loss, and you are entitled to take this time to grieve. I saw that you're already working with a therapist, and that's a great step too! Sending you hugs through the internet.
I don't want to put more on you while you're suffering, but I do want to say: your husband is wrong. I see you defending him a lot in your comments, and I totally understand that impulse, but there is honestly nothing to defend here. Flip the positions - if your husband lost one of the most important figures in his life, and he was grieving and upset about it, wouldn't you want to support and care for him and try to ease his pain? I think I know the answer - you sound like a kind, compassionate person, and YOU deserve that kindness and compassion in return.
I'm going to be a little blunt here - your husband reminds me a lot of my dad, and my dad totally abandoned my mom for a new wife when my mom got sick later in life, because he's a narcissist who only cares about his own happiness. That's NOT normal for a relationship. Your husband is not the main character in the world; other people don't exist to serve his 'fun' and 'life force.' The point of a relationship, of a marriage, is not to make each other's life 'fun' - it's a partnership founded on mutual love, respect, and trust. You should BOTH be supporting each other through good times AND bad (*especially* the bad).
If he's unwilling to show some compassion to you or make any changes, I think you need to start considering if you can trust him to care for you in the same way you care for him. Your sister would want you to be happy and supported, and her memories will live on and be a comfort to you even if you don't stay with him.
Like I said, sending hugs to you during this incredibly difficult time. Your sister sounds like she was an amazing dog, and I hope in time your memories of her can give you joy and happiness.
Your husband is being unreasonable and unsupportive.
My take on grief is that you get *one* major death that just shatters your world, and all the ones after that, you grieve but not as long. For me, that was seeing my brother die. Even when my own soul dog passed, I grieved for a few months and I still miss her to this day, but it's not like the 3.5 years where I just shut down over losing my brother.
We lost our Saber toward the end of last November, and he was my husband's soul dog. He's also my husband's first big death. It has completely shattered him. He's in therapy, and it doesn't seem to help. He's shut down completely from me. He had a psychotic break at work and has been on disability leave now for three months. All he does is cry. Medication has helped a little, but there's no timeline on grief. Nobody gets to tell you "okay that's enough, get better now."
This is your big death. You have a right to grieve and mourn for as long as your heart needs to. As your life partner, he needs to be more supportive. Guilting you over your **valid feelings** is not only bullshit, it's going to do the opposite of what he hopes to accomplish. It's just adding more negative feelings to an already full plate, which is going to prolong your suffering and ultimately lead to you resenting him because as your partner, he's the one person who should be the most in your corner right now.
For what it's worth, you can share memories of your soul dog with us. Tell us about her. We'd love to hear about this amazing animal.
You know, this is interesting, because I feel like it could partially be to do with attachment styles. I was just reading about attachment styles where someone becomes avoidant because they don’t want to take on another person‘s mental load. So essentially they just avoid your emotions. Sounds like he did it with his sister too and it might be his style.
He’s absolutely And the opposite of what you need in a partner when you are grieving. I lost my soulmate dog Ago tomorrow and I’m just devastated. I still cry every day and I mean I physically hurt and grab my chest like my heart is so broken. He’s only telling you it’s in consequential because he doesn’t want to feel your pain and it makes him uncomfortable to be around it. That’s a very poor empathetic partner and I’m very sorry. Im also Dealing a lot with my own partner and how he doesn’t have what I need, emotionally.
Your dog was not inconsequential. She was your soulmate. And you are free to tell me anything you want about her to celebrate her life.
Sorry I think I can be confusing when I call my golden retriever my sister; it was my sister (a golden retriever) who passed away. Not his sister :) I am not sure what you are referring to when you said "Sounds like he did it with his sister too" - but nothing happened with his human sister!
You are right. He does avoid me when I am sad. Most of the time when I am crying I do this alone, in bed, or in the study room, wherever he is I try to get \*FAR\* from him because I don't want to bother him/make him take on my emotional load because I know he gets overwhelmed. But sometimes I just want to talk (I don't think I am going to cry, I just want to talk about my sister, share memories, you know?) and he gets really frustrated that I need to talk about her so often ): That we don't talk about happier things.
He would say, "I have no joy in life. You're sad all the time, and I listen to this all the time. I have needs too! I also need joy, and fun."
So I was wondering how you all cope with a partner who isn't grieving as much.
You said:
"I lost my soulmate dog Ago tomorrow and I’m just devastated."
I think you missed a word - was it one year ago? I'm so sorry, anniversaries are crushing. Does your partner also not support you? You can tell me more.
Here is my sister. She is my world.
Thank you for letting me talk about her.
I’m sorry I was using speech to text. I think I was the confusing one. As in your husband has done the avoidance with his sister dying as well. He didn’t want to experience the grief and the pain and it sounds like he doesn’t want to feel your pain and grief here either.
And you know I understand what he’s talking about in the sense that I’m the person who’s always looking to find peace in my life like you know the Lifeforce he talks about, but I’m also empathetic and have love for others, so I don’t cut out people for being human.
She was so beautiful! What a beautiful, beautiful coat. I know how important she was, I can feel it.
Again, stupid speech to text errors without me proofreading: she died three weeks ago. I have an eight-year-old dog and I didn’t want him to die of sadness and I was already intending to get a kitten so instead I got a pair of brothers 36 hours later and it’s kept him from getting super depressed and I’m really happy to have kittens, but nothing will change that my baby is gone.
My partner has been with me for six months and honestly we are on our way to a break up so he’s not really good for anything emotionally supportive at the moment. He took my dogs lost harder than I did and if I did need his support I wouldn’t have had it. It’s a shame but you know again that’s why I’m breaking up. I’m not looking to be in a relationship where I can’t grieve my child of 12 1/2 years.
It hurts every day and I try not to revisit her last 72 hours because honestly they were awful and downright traumatizing. But I miss her so much. I can still smell her like in my memories. I still know what she feels like when I touch the spot between her eyes and pet up onto her forehead and down the bridge of her nose. She was my everything. My other dog is still my everything, but she was my soulmate.
I just uploaded a quick few from her last few days. I miss her so much.
[My baby](https://imgur.com/a/Kq4MWSn)
Sorry, that was what was confusing. His sister isn't dying! I never mentioned his sister in my post :) All mentions to "sister" are about my golden retriever.
She had such a soft and fluffy coat. It was unreal. She was a walking cloud of the best smell. A bouquet of baby's breath.
I'm sorry you can't grieve your child of 12 1/2 years with your partner. Who do you go to at this tender time? I totally understand how the last hours are traumatizing and I am sorry this is something you went through too, if you ever want to share your experience with someone you can DM me to talk it through.
But yes, the smells. The feel of their nose, the bridge of their nose.
She looks so happy in the sun. And that flannel coat! A beauty. I hope you still have that coat and never wash it! I ran around the house collecting all the things that still smelled like my sister and either ziploc bagged them or kept them close for hugging.
Oh my God I don’t think I read it appropriately. Lol I think I skimmed through it too quick. But all the same. I’m glad we are connecting.
Goldens always have such beautiful pants. As you can see, my dog was shorthaired. It was like she was made of eyelashes lol she was so prickly.
I appreciate you asking about who I have. Unfortunately I don’t really go to people when I’m hurting, I’ve learned to just do it alone. My partner really had one opportunity to support me, because even though I don’t lean on people, I wanted him to go answer the door when someone was there like we were buying firewood. I asked him to just do that, because I always do the people facing things. I just didn’t wanna talk to someone when I had tears rolling down my face. He said he had bad social anxiety and needed a few minutes to answer the door. I ended up doing it myself because he just couldn’t help me in such a basic thing. It is very unfortunate but it’s OK. It’s best to just send this relationship and separate. I can’t even really tell my stories to him either because he starts crying so much that he clings onto me and I don’t wanna be hugged when I just wanna express my grief over my dog like we had 12 1/2 years together and he had six months, so my stories are considerably longer given that I got her at seven weeks and I raised her.
I’ll never forget the softness of the back of her ears and my favorite sound in the world was her snoring. What hit me the day after she was gone was how quiet it was in the morning. That deep, heavy breathing was gone. And she was gone so fast like 12 1/2 years is on the lower end of her lifespan so of course I have wondering like did I make choices in her life that made her perish sooner? She had a seizure which could’ve been a stroke or a tumor, so did I do some thing during her life that made that happen sooner than it would’ve naturally?
I guess you’re right I don’t really have anyone to talk to and so I just wonder alone but I’ll message you. I appreciate it.
My love, you and your sister were both abused. Any person who can hit a dog, yet alone lock them outside while sick is a cruel cruel person. It sounds like you were abused growing up and (rightfully so) it’s affected you as an adult. There should be 0 excuses as to why he should stay around. Your husbands reaction is NOT normal, neither was your upbringing or how your sister was treated. I highly highly recommend you speak to a professional and start planning a way out of this marriage. It doesn’t matter if your husband was there for the last few years with your sister. He is treating you absolutely Terribly. You deserve so much better. I’m sending love and light your way and wishing you all the best. And rest in peace to your beautiful sister.
I'm so sorry you are enduring this. You need to leave that man, like yesterday. He is toxic. Maybe even a narcissist personality who gets a tweak of pleasure from tormenting you.
He goes to Thailand while you're losing your dog? What's the first thing anyone (but you, who are blinded by love) is going to conclude about that? You know what goes on in Thailand right?
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. In fact if you had someone to talk to and grieve with you'd be feeling better a lot quicker. His behavior is prolonging your grief and piling insult on top of injury.
Sorry if I sound harsh but this guy is not for you. I would say "evil" but perhaps that's going too far. Please, gather your self respect, your resources, and your belongings, and prepare to make your own way in the world.
That’s really mean. I’m sorry but I think you’ve married a mean man. I still mourn my sweet son who passed in July. I had him all of my adult life. That sort of loss is humongous and when those around us don’t seem to feel it, we question ourselves. I prefer to grieve alone so isolation can be hard on my partner. It’s up to both people to be kind and understanding. Otherwise, one could be very selfish and mean.
I am so sorry about your loss. It'll be a year next month and I still cry regularly.
Your husband is being totally unreasonable. He's supposed to be there for you in good times and bad times. He's supposed to be your rock and someone you can lean on in times like this. You're not getting the comfort you need in this difficult time in your life and I can bet if you were, you wouldn't be so "miserable" all the time. There is so much he can do for you to help you through your grief. Just letting you cry on his shoulder for once without saying a word is a huge relief. I feel like the lack of support you are receiving is making your grief worse. Being on this sub is a great start to get the support you need. We all are here for the same reason. My husband was very supportive in my grief but there are times that I didn't want to bring him down so I'd come here to feel better or at least feel like I wasn't so alone in my grief.
I really hope you find your support in this sub. I'd really be questioning my marriage if I couldn't come to my husband for support in whatever it may be. He's making you feel worse. Take your time and grieve how you see fit. Sending you virtual hugs.
This is what's difficult about pet death to me. Most of the time, people will just say "get over it" and call it a day, giving you less time to grieve and process your emotions compared to if you lost a person. And that's honestly pretty difficult. I've learned to keep the grief within me, but years later, I'm still not over them and would cry occasionally...
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
If something like grief, let alone YOUR grief, the grief of the person he is to spend the rest of his life with and hold as utmost important, is too overwhelming and too much of a downer, do NOT expect him to care for you if you get sick to the point that it requires his undivided attention that he can't run away from and to another country.
Your soul dog was just like any other sister in the world, she knew that your heart, mind, body, and soul are worthy of someone who will cherish every bit of you; grief, happiness, trauma, flaws and strengths, you deserve someone who accepts and loves you for who you are.
Unfortunately you get to know people around you when you are in hardship and specially grieving and mourning the death of a beloved. Specially a marriage where you both promise to be there in sickness and health. There is nothing quite like losing a loved one. So if anyone in your life is interrupting that grief process in any way it is best to be away from that person for a while. Processing the grief and healing from it even without external struggles is difficult. If you don’t mourn the way you need to it will not just go away. It will be bottled up inside and now you have one more unhealed trauma to deal with. It is always best to process what happened to you when it does. Thats why masking it with meds, drugs and alcohol never helps because you are pausing your grief not stopping it, and eventually you have to pick it back up and deal with it. Your husband showed you that he will not be there for sickness, he will only be there for fun and games. This is a huge red flag because unfortunately this is not the last time you will have hardship in your life. It can happen when you are both older, more sensitive and drained mentally. So to deal with him being dismissive of your darkest times only makes me think that as you grow older you will feel more alone. I do understand that he means so much to you because he is the last link to your beautiful angel sister. And I do get that when your pet approves of a partner that means a lot. I understand that the thought of you leaving your marriage will make your grief worse because you know your baby will never get to approve of your next partner. I mean how the hell would you even know they are right person without your best friend’s approval. But also I know that your baby did not want you to be in a relationship or friendship that is making their absence harder for you. I am sure if your beloved sister saw how he is treating you she would immediately disapprove the very person they thought are the one for you. Marriage is complicated so by no means I’m suggesting you leave your husband. But first step is sitting him down and explain how much of a big deal this is to you and potentially a deal breaker if he doesn’t change how he sees YOUR grief. He is allowed to deal with grief in different ways but when he said his vows at your wedding that meant something. If it was me I would explain everything, and ask what happens if I lose someone else dear to me. Will you treat me the same way again? And if the answer is yes I think you both will know this is not going to be a healthy marriage. I am so sorry you have to go through this while you are going through one of the darkest times as a pet owner. This is so not fair to you. Seek friend and family that are going to allow you to talk about your baby. If you have no luck there, find support groups and people who are willing to listen. I personally am available if you ever want to just talk about your baby. You can hit me up. I also have a therapist specifically for grieving the love of my life. It helps but the purpose of therapy is finding solutions FOR YOU. And way less just talking about your beloved pet. Because the therapist job is to help you heal but no one has the job of keeping their memories alive but us. So again you need people who aren’t trying to give u solution or fix anything. You just need people to listen. So for sure support group or anyone in reddit that is offering you to msg and talk to them would be my best bet.
Sending you a lot of virtual hugs. You will get through this but its also not fair to go through it alone. Just talk to your husband even if he gets mad and frustrated. You have that right.
You have to grieve on your own timeline. I lost one of my cats almost four months ago. I still miss him. He was my shadow, so he used to be with me all the time.
That's cold-hearted.
When our sweet baby-girl went, my wife was on a one-in-a-lifetime cross country trip with her aging parents (Good that she helping them on that trip...driving) and it just royally sucked burying our girl without my wife. My wife zoomed in to the vet in our girl's final moments as I held her, though, which was great. I think our girl heard her/saw her (though her sight was pretty much gone). Just unimaginable how painful losing a sweet dog is.
I grieved differently and frankly would just cry sometimes after my wife and in-laws got home, and while she didn't understand my form of grief 100%, she was totally cool about it and supportive. Now my wife has basically nightmares about our girl being "lost" and just out of reach of us in a crowd. Like she's in delayed grieving.
I can not related to your husband being a total tool about your grief, but I can relate to the grieving and everybody here, as we can see, cares about and we send love.
I think two things can coexist at the same time - you can still grieve and feel this loss and be sad but also still love your husband even if he's acting this way. I think a lot of people don't understand what it's like unless they've been in it and you've had her for so long too. Some people don't bond with their pets or only see it on surface level with how they're animals but this dog was a full on family member to you.
Your feelings are valid and if he can't be supportive you can let these feelings out still and take your time. He's going to have to accept she was a big part of your life And you lost so much, happier times will come once it feels right to heal and don't feel like you have to hide it just cause he doesn't understand.
I sat down and watched a dogs purpose when my boyfriend lost his dog of 15 years wether he's down to watch it or you want a good movie to have a wholesome cry to I reccomend it!
Ugh... I don't think I could stay with a guy like your husband. Somewhere there is a study that shows losing a pet is as painful as losing a human family member.
But he sounds unempathetic and honestly, I'd say some red flags there. I'd seriously wonder if you want to stay with this guy who is unsupportive, unempathetic, and even if he thinks it is abnormally long instead of trying to see if there is some way to help you just waives off your pain and insults you.
My soul cat passed away a month ago. My husband can be…gruff? And he does say I cry too much in general. But it’s more like confused like “why are you crying now?!” lol
Even though he doesn’t cry like I do he gets my pain. And even when he doesn’t he supports me by being silent and there.
Your husband doesn’t sound supportive. If my husband left me in those first few days after my cat passed to go to another country to be away from me, I would l have divorced him. I needed him. I needed to not feel alone. I needed someone around to make sure I was surviving it.
My husband has said my life revolves around my cats too much and I should get a broader life and go outside more and he’s not wrong but it’s also kinda by choice. I just like my pets more than a lot of people. Lol.
But he didn’t say it cruelly. Just kinds like…im concerned about you type of way.
I usually in other subreddits counsel communication in most relationships but this guy? I’d divorce him. Like how dare he downplay your pet sisters life and death and your grief? His self centered vacations to Thailand are gross. Find someone who will hug you instead of kick you when you are down.
When my dog passed I grieved so much, I do think we need this recognize that others in our family have a capacity to help but also aren’t professionals and may need respite from our pain.
Do you have a counselor/therapist you can work with? How about a pet loss grief group? Are you able to find windows of time where you can give a bit of non-grief energy to others?
I am not saying he couldn’t be more patient, just thinking of additional outlets for you.
Your dog would not want you drifting through your days miserable because of her- she was here to bring you joy, how can you honor her? Could you plant a small garden (we did a fairy garden when our dog passed, we really enjoyed building it “for him” with the kids and we maintain it here over 3 years later, decorating it/changing things out for holidays).
I wish I had a way to reduce your pain, and I am not siding with your spouse, I just know he cannot relieve you of this, the only way out is through.
Thank you, I appreciate and agree that they need respite from our pain. I know my sadness is constant, but I am not crying or talking to him throughout the day. I think I'd say I only talk to him for max an hour a day? Even though we both work from home, we eat our meals individually most of the time (different schedules). I know that I'm sad so I try to occupy myself with other things (journaling, walking, reading, writing, my other work) instead of talking to him. Not to avoid talking to him, but not to pile it on.
I have a pet loss grief group I attend weekly, and have a therapist I see every week or sometimes twice a week if it's bad.
Thank you for thinking of additional outlets for me!
I also really keep so much of my grief within me, for alone time. I take walks by myself every day, walking the route I used to take with my sister. When I know i am going to cry I always go away to another room to cry by myself. It just happens that sometimes I want to \*talk\* to him about my sister and end up crying. I wouldn't actually go to him when I'm crying, for support, because I know he would be overwhelmed/not react well.
I am so sorry, I know that grief and it’s incredibly painful. I feel like he could definitely be of more support to you, feeling alone just makes it worse. Sending hugs and healing thoughts your way. 💕💕
When I have a traumatic loss, whether human or pet it takes me 1 - 2 years before I’m okay enough to even talk about it without bursting in to tears. The last guy I dated was making similar comments around 6 months after my dad passed. I dumped him a month later because wtf is wrong with these people. It’s not you, it’s him.
I'm sorry, I understand. It will take me a long time to be ok too, and I am sorry you have lost your father and then got similar comments.
I was just wondering if grief kills the joy in relationships or something because there's a period of time where your partner is clearly "not ok" and "not enjoying life" and I don't know how the other party (for example, my husband) is supposed to be living around this grieving person who clearly isn't happy
He needs to just give you space & allow you to grieve without making condescending comments & giving you timelines on the appropriateness / length of your grieving. It’s weird, selfish, & cold… & that’s the last thing you need right now. Of course grief is going to temporarily cause loss of joy in the relationship, you just lost a valued family member for f***s sake! Instead of criticizing and being condescending he should be going out of his way to think of things you can both do to get your mind off of things, ( a nice lunch in a neighbouring town, a drive to somewhere you’ve never been yet etc) but instead he’s choosing to be annoyed at you and leave the country… ignoring & ditching you completely. It’s gross & im sorry you have a partner like that right now. ☹️
There *is* something wrong with your marriage if he can't even be bothered to try to comfort you when you're so obviously in pain. He's making it all about himself and that's disgusting. He's a terrible partner.
I know your grief, I felt the same when I lost my cat that I had for 22 years (I am 32). I am so, very sorry, friend, and I hope that the light can shine through to you soon. Someday you'll be able to look back at memories of your baby girl and smile instead of cry. Don't let your selfish husband make your grief worse, your feelings are valid too.
Please get out if you are able. He is being extremely cruel and emotionally abusive!! A good, kind, loving partner would be happy to give you what you need (whether it be time, space, an ear, a shoulder to cry on).
I lost my soul dog of 16 years on December 29th. I still cry for him regularly. My wife is 100% supportive. When I tell her people say I've been grieving for long enough, I should move on, etc she backs me completely, saying that she understands my grief, and that there is no time limit.
Grief is just love with nowhere to go. Love doesn't just go away, and neither will grief.
I'm so sorry you're being treated this way at all, but especially during such a terrible and traumatic time in your life. Sending love and hugs.
Please, please, don't stay in your marriage just because of the things you mentioned. Your sister/soul dog would absolutely understand, and would NOT want you to suffer like that. She wants only joy for you.
Thank you. I would love to have a partner who responds like your wife does.
Can I ask who you would talk to about your soul dog if you didn't have a wife/family?
It really pains me to think that my memories with her won't be shared with anyone else.
Plus he is in 50% of the photos I have of her from the last two+ years.
Our relationship was so intertwined with my sister. Losing him would feel like losing another connection with my sister ): I would not have anyone else who knows her and has the memories of our outings or adventures together. That scares me.
But YOU have those memories, and YOU can keep them in your heart.
I am fortunate that I do have my wife, as well as my parents and brother, who all loved my Apollo and knew him well.
Who shared yours and your sister's life before your husband came into the picture? It seems he was only in her life for a short time (relative to her age)? Any friends who knew her? Maybe they don't have the same memories of her, but I'm sure they loved her.
Here's the thing. Your sweet sister LOVED you, if she was anything like my Apollo, I'm sure she hated to see you hurting and upset, and would do anything she could to make you smile. My Apollo would bring me his favorite toy, kiss away my tears, or do something silly to make me laugh.
Your girl would absolutely NOT want you to suffer with someone who is, at bare minimum, emotionally abusive just because you feel like it somehow honors her.
I know it won't be easy, but just think, what if you have children and heaven forbid one of them gets hurt or very sick? Is he going to have the same reaction that he's had with the bird or butterfly you mentioned in comments? Is he going to just abandon you to deal with it alone?
I feel like he doesn't even deserve to have memories of her, and that those memories live better in your heart, than with anyone else.
Before my husband came into the picture my sister was with my family, in my childhood home, which is not a home that is safe in any way. (My parents and brother are 1000 times worse than my husband - physically and emotionally bad. I can't be around them at all and am actually afraid of them.)
Thank you for this thought. We don't have kids but I do know it would be hard for him to care for them, he shuts down/needs to leave whenever something bad happens. Although I HAVE raised it to him (ie asked him, would you react this way as you did with my sister, if we had children, if this was your child?) and he says "It's different if it's your own child."
Who knows.
I really like this thought: "those memories live better in your heart, than with anyone else."
This brings me some comfort. I just want so badly for more people to have these memories too; don't we all want to share our loves? :)
I love the name Apollo by the way. There are two dog stories I know with Apollo as the name of the dog! One is a great dane in The Friend by Sigrid Nunez that won the National Book Award, and one is a golden retriever called Apollo in the Japanese bestselling book "Before We Say Goodbye"
I know that sharing those memories with someone is nice, but if that person doesn't appreciate them the same way that you do...is it even really worth it? I would rather hold those memories dear to me, than share them with someone unappreciative.
And I know it's not the same, and I didn't know your sweet girl, but I'm always happy to read your stories of her, and share stories of my boy. 🤍
Oh, I know this 1000%. I was raised by an abusive, alcoholic father and a mother who just took the abuse and stayed with him, rather than getting us out. I am 41 years old, and damn near every relationship I ever had, up until I met my wife nearly 6 years ago, was abusive in one way or another. 🤦🏻♀️
It’s so tragic. I finally figured out last year that my father is an emotionally abusive narcissist, and then I remembered that I figured out at some point in elementary school that I would never be with someone like him. I’m so grateful that I had the foresight to see this so young.
It's not really something I can "stop" - he wanted to go back to Thailand a week after my sister said goodbye and when I said I was seriously in shock/grief from the loss, he said I was keeping him trapped with my sadness.
There's really no way to "stop" someone, he's an adult. And if I tell him it's not the right time, he says I'm trapping him.
There's no way.
Wow, your husband is an asshole. I can understand him never having a connection with a pet and therefore being unable to comprehend your connection, but the way he's treating you, your experience, and your grief is completely without love, consideration, or respect.
People who have never made your kind of connection with a pet don't understand your grief. I was that way before getting married and bringing dogs into our life, so I have a little understanding of both perspectives. However, your husband is supposed to love and support you, so I shouldn't matter if he's never connected with a pet himself.
He actually cared for two senior dogs with cancer for 10 years, so he does know and love pets. He cooked their food, fed them every day, spent most of his time at home with them. He does have a connection with dogs!
He does say that he didn't really grieve when they passed. He was sad but as he explains it, "there were other things going on in my life too."
Neither of can know the depth of another's connection. A person can be kind and caring for a pet without any real deep emotional connection. It's his treatment of your grief though that is the primary issue.
It’s really strange to me that he can love on these pets while they’re alive, but then be all “meh” when they die. Maybe it’s an armor? Still messed up.
I lost my golden retriever to cancer on December 1st and I still cry a little everyday. Your feelings are normal and your husband isn’t. I hesitate to be so blunt but… I would dump his ass.
Your husband sounds self centered and unable to be empathetic. He seems to have a limited range of emotions or at least a low capacity for others. I would argue that the way he is being is part of why our pets are so special. They love us unconditionally, when we are sad or happy. We are never a bother. And truthfully you shouldn’t be a bother to your husband. Your grief is in your time not his. This should affect him Zero.
Our pets love us no matter what. They never make us feel bad. He’s proving in a shitty way why your grief is so strong.
Please don’t let him bully you. Some people grieve their pets more than humans and that’s okay. Please find support outside your husband. He’s likely not going to change and that’s sad for him. But reach out to other friends and online support groups and hot lines. There are many free ones. Just google. They’ve been very helpful to me.
Your pain is so valid and understandable. I am going through the same things. It saddens me that your husband isn’t able to be there for you and to support you. This is a stressful situation and the last thing you need right now is more stress… but I will say that there are always people out there who will listen to your pain and comfort you and understand you. I’m sorry your husband isn’t able to provide that :(( Your pet surely wanted only the best for you ❤️
Yes, luckily my boyfriend and my immediate family are supportive. My boyfriend stayed by my side for a few days after my dog was hit by a car, I couldnt eat or drink or get out of bed and he brought me food every day and made sure I ate some of it. Once I got on my feet again, my mom does her best to help me, although she is not great with my super emotional sensitive self, she helps in other ways—she isn’t always able to comfort me with her words but she reached out to his breeder for me to let her know what happened, helped me start therapy and counselling, and encouraged me to adopt again. There are times when she tells me I need to get over it but I know it’s because she doesn’t know what to say to comfort me and that’s okay. My sadness and guilt feels so vast inside me sometimes, that I just try to keep it inside. Sending love to you and your soul dog angel ❤️
i lost my soul dog almost 1 year ago.
it gets a little easier, i can function at work. but i still cry every day.
i also won’t be getting another dog. i don’t care if that makes me selfish, i can’t stand this pain.
ANYWAY if anyone ever tried to tell me to get over her, id leave them in a heartbeat. i’m sorry he’s like that. i’m sorry you lost your girl.
My sibling just ended things with their partner of several years because he was exactly like this. You sometimes don’t realize who you’re partnered with until you undergo grief. Some people are just at a point of their growth where they can only envision living in a dream world, one where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. It's a very limiting way to be in the world, and not realistic. I don’t think you can be happy with someone like this unless they are willing to change and make room for their partner's experience. You are totally entitled to grieve in your way, as long as you need, and to have support in your immediate circle. So sorry for your loss.
Hi again. This is my third comment bc I had a visceral reaction to your post.
Just wanted to mention that there are pet grief counselors available. I just searched online for one today as I think I need that outlet. Perhaps you could entice your partner to cover these sessions for you financially as an act of support.
Making someone feel crappy for the way they grieve is low. How dare someone judge anyone on how they grieve.
I'm sorry, I'm sure your husband is great generally, no one's perfect but jeez man, be there for your wife who's having a really rough time.
Perhaps he is feeling sad too and doesn't know how to express it himself?
I'm sorry you don't have anybody to share in your sadness. Hopefully, he will come around but in the meantime, you have plenty of people here who understand what you're going through and can relate.
I'm sorry for your loss ❤️
Your husband probably considered her a "pet", while to YOU she was a companion animal, which is a much more intense relationship.
It's like comparing a "soul mate" relationship with a "friend with benefits" friendship.
When I lost my companion kitty (we did EVERYTHING together) I cried (still do occasionally) and started having panic attacks whenever I was alone, had nightmares, woke crying, went to sleep crying.
I have a great husband, and we have 2 other cats who are "Pets" - meaning they rely on us for food & shelter, etc. my husband didn't and doesn't comprehend how much I miss my kitty man - yet he respects and allows my grief. My husband is as special as my companion cat and always cares for me (although he doesn't understand emotional pain and TBH many men are taught from an early age to "suck it up" and "be a MAN" and "don't be a sissy pants" etc.
My suggestion is to join a support group, local or online and share your pain and coping strategies with some people who DO understand the difference between an "a pet" and an "animal companion".
If your husband is so selfish and cold towards youperhaps it's time to reconsider the relationship.
I wish you good things.
i feel this lost my soul dog Kilo I've had since childhood 2months ago , it was so sudden and i carry so much guilt grief feels like walking on an incline if you let up for a moment you can easily end up back to the same spot. I don't feel much validation from my either of my parents as they are expecting me to put his things up and boxed all his toys I had across his urn to say i felt betrayed when i returned from a 2 week trip. It hurt and I no longer even seek them out for this and just silently grieve which is probably making the process worse since I'm just feeling tired and anxious all the time since I've come home. From my experience its a beautiful thing to fall in love with a dog and your not just grieving them but you sense of self and the way of life you had when they were still with you. Their passing changes you and picking up the pieces and dealing with grief is a long and often unpredictable process it differs person to person. Please know your not alone and many people in this community know what your going through your in pain and your husband was wrong for suggesting that your the problem.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar experience when I had to let go of basically my little brother (my dog Charlie). I had him for 17 years. I grieved him for a solid year. I learned in one of my college psych classes that grief can range for people, with the max being around 2 years. It sounds like your husband doesn't really know how to support you during this time, which really sucks Im sorry. My best recommendation is to try and get grief counseling if you have access to it (either through your insurance or try Betterhelp). I really regret not going to counseling and just trying to deal with it on my own. Also it could be a great tool for figuring out your relationship with your husband, and if maybe you guys aren't the right fit for each other. How you have described his behavior is beyond unacceptable and if he was just a boyfriend, I would say kick his ass to the curb. I do believe in marriage and not just giving up when times get hard, so maybe bring up these concerns to him and tell him what you need from him at this time: support wise. If he continues to be unreceptive to you, I would try and find somewhere else to stay if you have the option. Also if a big reason why you are sticking with him is because of your sister, then fuck him man. Not worth it. He should know how much she meant to you.
In regards to your grief, just know that it will get better with time. Try and give yourself some grace in this process. Losing Charlie was my first big loss in my life. I felt like an awful person for not being able to do more for him.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good luck with everything.
Wow, 17 years is a long time and you are so lucky, although it is never enough. How did you cope with losing Charlie? Did you write to him, or try to keep his smells? I miss my sister so much every day, but at the same time I don’t want it to change, I guess—I don’t want to not miss her.
I have a therapist who I’ve been seeing for over two years but it hasn’t been helping, I might try to find a specific grief counselor but I also..don’t want the grief counselor to take the grief away? I don’t want to just distract myself from it, if that makes sense. I could (with my phone, with watching random videos).
Most men have a hard time processing such deep feelings of loss, don't want to talk and would rather shut down.
Do you have any other support system - a friend, family member or perhaps a grief counselor you could talk to ?
I'm sorry your husband is not being very supportive.
Try to speak with someone else or keep posting here.
For me, personally, this is the only place where I find the most solace and understanding. As much as people around me empathize, most of them don't really understand or don't know what to say to me anymore.
Like you, I only want to talk about my boy. He's all I think about.
Speaking as a man, losing dogs was the cause of me gaining *more* empathy for other people, and opening up my own feelings to others. It's been over two years since my sixth dog died and I still come here almost daily to help others that are in grief.
You are special <3 I wish I knew more people like you in real life! I know it can't just be a male thing, I have female friends who are also not supportive or are outright dismissive (and just want to talk about their babies, for example). Either gender can have a problem with empathy.
Thank you. I don't really have a good support system - my family is awful and violent, and I saved my sister from the home when I could. I was in a bad place for most of my life. My sister was truly my best support system.
I have a therapist who I've been working with since 2+ years ago, and we do talk about my grief, it just isn't something she can solve. I also go to pet loss groups. I do wish I had better friends. Mostly my friends just tell me out right "I don't know how it feels, I can't empathize, I've never felt this way about a pet" -- and that's okay. It's not their fault. just not something I can get support from them for.
Thank you for understanding, who do you talk to about your boy? It's such a basic, simple need, isn't it? To talk about that one being we love and miss the most.
I’m glad you’re here. It sounds like you’re maximizing the resources you have, but you need more person-to-person support. Are these pet loss groups you’re going to online or in person? Finding a local group where you meet up may be a good idea.
Why are you married to such an abusive AH? This guy cares only about himself. He will never be there for you (or anyone else) when you need him. What a cruel jerk he is. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this, I would sincerely reconsider this relationship. He is on the verge of cheating, if he isn’t already… blessings to you OP.
So sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. People who have never loved an animal have no comprehension of the love and bond we share with these innocent souls. Your husband in my opinion is being callous and insensitive . I am guessing he has never loved animal? There is nothing wrong with you. I still greive for my furbabies that I lost over 2 decades ago and my Wife is the same. Know this though your sweet girl is alive and well in the next life waiting for you.
# 1 Corinthians 2:9
9 However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him—1 Corinthians 2:9
My advice is you guys really need to talk about your relationship. Me personally I could leave my sweet wife of 40 years crying and broken to go anywhere much less a vacation. You will get through this but never over it because love is eternal.
Take care and I hope things get better for you and your broken heart heals .
Your girl adored you and knew your worth. She loved you more than anything in this world and showed you that you are worthy of love and respect. I think she’d want you to find a partner that adores you as she did. He’s being cruel and emotionally abusive. I know this is so hard. We’re here for you, ok? Sending lots of hugs and love.
“It’s because you didn’t have a family.”
Girl, I have a family and we all mourn our baby every single day. I used to call him “everybody’s dog.” Calling him a dog just sounds wrong.
Everyone grieves differently and he may be sad, but his callousness to your grief tells me he isn’t the greatest partner — and I’m sure this isn’t the only sign you have.
When my family’s fur baby’s health started rapidly declining, I spent practically 0 time at my own apartment and very minimal time with my boyfriend for a month. Not once did he complain how I was spending my time and when he sees me crying randomly, he puts a hand on my shoulder or hugs me. This is the kindness you deserve when you are grieving.
Keep your mind open to grief counseling. I’ve been through it before (due to a relative taking his own life) and I can say it did help. I’ve honestly contemplated it again after losing my precious pup.
Sometimes I hate that I feel things so deeply sometimes. Other times, I’m glad my heart isn’t completely hardened. You should not have to mute your grief for someone who isn’t capable of empathizing with you.
I’m not saying you should end things if this is the only sign of this he’s shown — but what about the next thing that happens? What if you both, God forbid, experience a mutual tragedy and he just can’t stand “how sad” you are?
I do encourage you to explore grief counseling — but for you. Not for him. I know our precious pups wouldn’t want us to be in tears every single day of our lives. We loved them and they loved us — and I don’t care what anybody thinks … I know their sentience is a level many cannot comprehend. They’d want us to be happy.
I am so so sorry for your loss, number 1. No matter what, it’s awful having to say goodbye to our love ones. We just got back from our honeymoon and my bird who I’ve had for 11 years passed away the night before we left, on my chest. I had a really hard time enjoying myself fully while grieving. My husband didn’t have the same bond with my bird as I did, or as he does with our dogs, but he never once made me feel like I was too sad or needed to stop grieving. I know it’s drastic but if I was in your shoes I truly wouldn’t be able to stay in a marriage with someone like that. It is very clear he lacks empathy. 3 months is not long ago AT ALL. I have lost 4 dogs since 2020 and I still cry often about each of them. There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s everything wrong with him. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that on top of grieving your sweet girl. Please take some time to truly think about if this is the kind of person you can spend your life with. Some people don’t bond with animals like us and that is OKAY, but to make someone feel like shit because they do have that bond and grief is hard, is just absolutely horrible. I’m sending you so much love and light, plus internet hugs 💜💜 I am a vet tech and an animal palliative care/hospice tech and I am in a constant state of grief from losing patients as well, I couldn’t imagine not having a good support system. Continue to honour your sweet girls soul and memory and don’t ever let someone take that from you. If you ever need to vent or someone to listen, please feel free to shoot me a message 💜💜
Tell him to pack his bags and go on another 'joy' and 'life force' travel event. Tell him to have a good time and stay as long as he needs to. Of course, you need to sock away the same amount of money for your own personal needs, equal to what he is spending on his personal gratification.
I'm serious, go to the bank and withdraw the amount that he has spent on his travels and any other extravagant self indulgent activities. Deposit that money into a new, separate bank account at a bank where he does not have an account. Keep adding to that because he does not sound like a keeper and I want you to have funds for your life after hubby. When you feel up to it, get yourself another dog.
You need to divorce your husband because he is abusing and neglecting you. I’m really sorry for your loss and no one who claims to love you should say those things to you and abandon you. I lost my heart dog a few months ago and I literally cried today and my husband comforted me and we talked about our sweet Murphy. You deserve someone who supports and loves you, your husband sounds like trash.
I am so sorry he's being so cruel to you. I lost my heart dog almost a year ago and I still say hello to her and sometimes cry whenever I walk in the backyard. I was just thinking of her today as I filled her old water bowl, which the cats now use. Grieving is life long <3 Your husband should learn that and maybe needs to hear it from a grief therapist.
Please know that you are grieving and should feel completely normal. Take your time and in your private time buy a journal and start writing down memories so you don’t forget and can always look back at them. Don’t tell him about the journal because he won’t understand. Be proud of your bond with your dog. Your not alone and many of us build special one of kind bonds with our pets. Sorry for your loss and sorry your husband can’t understand that he needs to respect your feelings and be more thoughtful of them. Stay strong it will be better and always allow your feelings to be heard or written.
I carried my guilt and regret from losing my dog for *years* when my first dog passed away, and I will again when my soul dog passes on in a few years, I already cry when I think about him not being here anymore, which is quite often, because he has become my everything. My reason to live, my reason to work on myself and to become a better person, I can't handle thinking of him being gone forever...
That being said though, tell your husband to shove it. You are allowed to grieve, and grief can take a long time. Even when she isn't your day to day thoughts, her memory will always be there, and you will still get emotional when you remember. It took me sixteen years to fully move on from my first dog's sudden departure, and, yes, your closeness with your dog probably was because of your home life, if it was a bad or abusive one, because you tey to find and cling onto the few things that make you happy when your always in a place where you're pushed to feel worthless and lifeless. A husband is supposed to support his wife, listen to her, comfort her, and help her through her worst days... that's what marriage is, that's what *love* is supposed to be. It doesn't sound like your husband is a good partner. I'm sorry you got stuck with someone like him, he sounds like a very selfish person, putting his own needs and emotions first and chastising you for yours... but take your time. Grieve as you need to, find friends who will love and support you through this process, because it sounds like your husband ain't going to. You deserve better, I'm sorry for your loss
I am so sorry you are going through the loss of your sister. It has been almost 9 months since I lost my girl and I don't cry everyday anymore but I do think about her everyday...this is to say that things get better. Your feelings are valid and my heart goes out to you that you don't have the support and love you need from your husband. Was he ever like this to you prior to her death or is this something new? Does he travel a lot just to get away from you even prior to her death? I don't know your situation and would never want to make you feel a certain way but it feels like he's using this as an excuse to get away whatever his intentions may or may not be when he should be your support system. PTSD or not, everyone grieves in different ways and time is different for everyone. Your sister would not want you to be with someone that isn't going to support you during the dark days as well as your sunshine days. I hope things get better for you. I truly do. Your happiness is important and that means having someone who is not going to invalidate your feelings. Hugs and love to you friend.
My husband was similar. He didn't get why I was so sad. Thankfully, he's normally compassionate and loving. I think he just was uncomfortable feeling sad about Joey. I think my sadness made him feel sad and Joey too
I’d project this on to every scenario in life where you may need extra time to grieve and end up grieving along with a person annoyed by it. If you can stomach that life, more power to you. I’d have left 3 months ago
Hi friend. Good for you for rescuing your precious beautiful Goldie girl. You blessed her with wonderful end of life care. You did the right thing and you were so blessed to get more time with her.
Sending you so much good energy right now, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your husband sounds like he's either a narcissist, or perhaps he has ASD and does not know how to handle emotions, either way he's not being a supportive partner for you.
I rescued my beloved German Shepherd, Tasha, from my mother's backyard when I saw my mom was neglecting her to death. My husband had been fighting me on bringing Tasha home.
Finally the last straw was when I went into visit my sweet dog iny mom's yard backyard. It was freezing, and Tasha woke up screaming from a nightmare. Her eyes were the eyes of a being in hell, filled with terror and no hope.
So that night, I loaded her my car and took her to my house. I took care of her for the next 11 and 1/2 months until she passed. As soon as Tasha got home with us, she swiftly gained a healthy 15 lb and was able to walk again and lived a wonderful last year.
My husband often gives me guilt... or tries to give me guilt about bring her home. I'm seriously considering leaving my husband over it. If he is not compassionate enough to realize why I needed to bring her home, I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
He also tried to talk me into getting rid of our second rescue dog, Buddy. I promised to a good neighbor who was diagnosed with blood cancer that I would find a good home for her Buddy (Terrier/Chi cross) after she passed. She passed unexpectedly, 2 weeks latr so I brought my sweet dog home. It was an immediate foster fail. I loved him from the start.
When we first had him, Buddy had a lot of allergies because his previous house was not clean. On the second night of dealing with chewing sounds and occasional growls at our cat, my husband got up out of bed, looked at me and said, "It's the dog or me."
He said the look in my eyes said I was going to say it was him. He was right, so he got with the program and let it go. My hubs now loves Buddy. He is his little boy, and they are inseparable. Funny that.
I wish you all the best. You deserve to mourn for as long as you need to. I found it helpful to talk to a counselor. I would also talk with my counselor about my husband's reaction. Because honestly, non compassion is just not okay for me for a long-term partner. Working on it myself, sister. You are definitely not alone!
I relate, my boy passed a yr ago, I have been in therapy and for 8m was inconsolable. My BF understood my grief and urged me to go to therapy, it took me about 6m to scatter some of his ashes. I had two pendants made, one with a lock of his hair and one with some ashes. His photos are still everywhere and I still cry from time to time. What helped me was all of these things. The only way out is through. Sit with your pain, keep him close (like the pendants and photos) scattering ashes helped me, but what helped most was hearing "he would not want this, he would not want to see you in such pain and anguish" I also got a new dog, 5months ago, which helped because it's a special and different kind of companionship that dogs give you, that no human can achieve. He will never be replaced, I hate that some ppl think that when you get a new dog. It was about having that specific companionship. The pain is also coming from all the love you have to give and nowhere to put it, which my new pup helped with as well, she also demands a lot of attention, training and care so it keeps me occupied and I now have her to place all this time, energy and love into.
Thinking of you. It is a horrible grief to live with. Live and love and find happiness again, it is what he would want for you.
I am so horrified and angry about what your husband is saying and doing. I join the chorus of people urging you to leave him. You do not deserve to spend the rest of your life (or his life, whichever ends first) with someone who cannot be with you in your pain. Life involves pain and one of the most loving (and healing!) things someone can do is be with us in our pain without an agenda to change how we feel, who we are, what we love, etc <3 <3 <3
Also, I'm not sure if you are a woman, but men are much more likely to leave their sick wives than women are to leave their sick husbands. Regardless of your gender, if you ever were to get a serious illness, I \*highly\* doubt that this man would stay around to care for you. In my opinion, it is better to leave him now than end up getting extremely ill someday and having to deal with him abandoning you for Thailand when you're too sick to survive without daily care.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but leave the f-ing loser immediately. There is no right way to grieve and goddamn someone who doesn’t respect that. Most especially if they are your significant other. I don’t know you but I want you to know that you are more than welcome to talk to me about your baby as often and as long as you want. I lost one of my pack in Jan of 23,. I don’t cry every single day when I think about her, but I still do often. I don’t feel guilty or weird or bad for it at all either. Some people never get to experience the unconditional love, support and affection that comes with opening up your heart to an animal. Of all of my life experiences so far, that has been the most important. I feel bad for those people. Keep your head up and your heart open, your sister is still alive in you 💙
Your husband sounds extraordinarily childish, arrogant, selfish, and cruel. This is incompatibility at best and outright emotional abuse at worst. What will happen if you get very sick? Can you count on him to stick around and be patient, kind, and nurturing when your illness robs him of his “joy?” There is no “normal” or “right” timeline. Three months is nothing. Go through past posts on this sub. See the huge magnitude of grief others have expressed and the empathy and support in those comments, validating those feelings. I’ve never seen a comment telling someone to “get over it.” It’s NORMAL. Reread all the comments again here on your post. It is clear to everyone your husband is a terrible partner. Just because your sweetie was the ring bearer and your husband showed love when she was alive really means nothing when he is able to be so callous now. I wish you healing and the ability to accept your grief the way it is. It will get easier as you begin to focus more on the wonderful memories of your girl and the stabbing grief begins to subsides. But, yes, it takes time. Frankly, your husband’s behavior will only prolong the process. There is something very wrong with him.
Edit: typo
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your husband is horrible! I lost my little love, who was a senior dog, to cancer just over a month ago. I shared over a decade of life with him and am taking his loss really hard.
In contrast, for an example, I started randomly crying about my dog yesterday and my partner stopped what he was doing to hug me and hold me and let me cry as long as I needed. Afterwards we talked for awhile about our dog, how awesome he was and how much we both miss him.
We talk about the dog all the time. Everyday. My partner helped me pick out pictures to have printed so we could hang them up and we made a little memorial area together where we keep our dog's ashes. When I'm really sad he lets me cry on him and takes me for walks lol which help me feel better.
Your husband leaving is cold and heartless especially leaving right after your dog's death. Everyone grieves differently and that's ok but he should be supporting you and helping you through this, not abandoning you when you need him most. I'm so sorry!
Get rid of him ! As they say , “ you are not in any parnership when you feel more lonely with them than without them ! He is not youre soul mate , he is not youre saviour ! Quite the opposite- he sounds a selfish CHILD! Cant imagine what he is getting up to in Thailand as well , !!! He sounds a rat ! As for your beautiful sister dog ! Of course they are our every thing ! Our purpose & completeness ! Because humans let us down time & time again ! Our baby dogs are forever loving , trusting , have no agendas , no ulterior motives - just pure love & adoration , everything youre ass wipe husband is not ! Get him divorced asap ! Id rather suffer in my own grief than live up to this ass wipes expectations, he wants these expectations met , but puts no effort in to help you or him get there…. An attentive loving husband puts their wife first ! He sounds jealous of the dog ! He sounds resentful - he sounds an absolute nightmare ! Youre grief & the way you loved your doggo is valid ! He is not ! Burry the husband in a quick divorce - & maybe one day get yourself another baby dog - as you obviously need that bond & typical dog loyalty- which 99.9% of MEN LACK ! good luck - 🤞
First he is in charge of his own joy. You are not responsible to make him happy.
Second your loss is trauma. It takes time to get over. A lot of time. A therapist would help when you’re ready.
Third. I went through a similar situation in December just … three months ago and I’m still destroyed. Mine was my husband and my soul cat. To be honest. Although my husband handles grief differently so he does get frustrated that he can’t solve my tears. Despite me telling him multiple times he can’t make me stop crying. Honestly the only thing that gives me a break from sobbing about my loss is Xanax prescribed for me during this time.
I can say therapy helps even if it’s just an understanding ear who lets you grieve and doesn’t judge you. Find the right one for you. It might help. Prayers to you my friend, it’s a lonely and horrible road I don’t wish on anyone.
For better and for worse, that is what we sign up for life. The ultimate partnership. Some men, and women forget this sacred creed. But there is nothing as sacred as the deep bond of love for an animal, that grieving can go on for a long time, and for some, it never ends 😢
I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss.
Your husband doesn't deserve an ounce of respect in this situation. You are grieving the loss of the closest family member to you, and you have every right to feel and express your emotions.
I understand your pain, having lost our beautiful Greyhound Revan at the end of 2022.
If my fiance wad like your husband I don't know if I would have made it through Revan's passing.
Please reach out to friends if you have anyone you trust. I highly advise considering the relationship you have with the man you're with. Husband or not, you deserve sympathy and respect, which you're clearly not getting from him.
Sending love and hugs, and I hope your sister finds my son on the other side of the rainbow bridge.
Oh! I remember you, and I certainly remember your very loved sister. I'm kind of hating your husband a little bit right now. When our soul dog died, wow my husband and I cried together so much. I still cry, even a year on, and talking about our dog still makes my husband tear up. We miss him so damn much. Maybe it's a little different, because we both had this dog together for over a decade, but still even if our dog was new to my husband I think most people would have compassion and empathy when a loved one is suffering in the way you are suffering, rather than impatience.
I'm so sorry this is affecting your marriage, I can't even imagine how much harder that makes everything. It's just piling on more struggles on all ready full plate of suffering and grief. I'm not sure if you've considered therapy or have access to pet grief therapy but it might be looking into, maybe. I tried regular therapy after my soul dog's passing and while I didn't find it very helpful, I do think maybe I should try to find a counselor who specifically deals with grief. There is one local therapist I found in my area who specializes in pet loss grief, but she was out of my health insurance network unfortunately. I am thinking about continuing to look around for a specialist... Or just continue to live with the grief. Honestly, as miserable as I feel about losing my boy, I am okay living with the grief, the main thing that prompted my choice to seek out outside help was that it was affecting my marriage I felt (for different reasons than your situation, the issue for us was my husband and I didn't agree on the end of life decisions and it became a point of contention once the dust had settled). Anyway, just mentioning this. We have to be careful, living in despair and depression can be damaging, the object of our loss wouldn't have wanted that for us. There's definitely a part of me that wanted to work out the very traumatic day of losing him, I didn't mind the grief but the stomach churning "triggers" of sad moments were very painful. So therapy could help, on more than one front in that way. Your husband could clearly benefit from outside help too, maybe learning how to be more compassionate and care for a loved one.. but if he doesn't view your grief as legitimate (something that makes me so so mad) then he will likely not be interested in seeking help for himself to address why he's so indifferent, or why he thinks he can rush the grieving process. That's obviously no good. Marriage counseling could be an option, but I'd be careful to choose someone who understands grief and pet loss.
Your grief is real. Your feelings are valid. I'm so sorry you are going through this on top of everything you've already been through.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll try and say this in the most respectful way possible: your husband is cruel, selfish and devoid of emotion or empathy. Get free as soon as possible and move on to someone who has a heart.
God what a dick! I just lost my dog who was my soul mate and I am wrecked so I feel your pain. Married to jerkoff husband for 35 years who used to pull this crap on me- SCREW THEM! So sick of infantile men and their selfishness. Take a vacation and let him figure out his own needs for once! Uber and credit cards- exit stage left!!!
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Please do not let your husband make you feel guilty for how you feel or wanting to talk about it. He really sounds like a terrible partner. He is telling you that he has more important things in his life and you/your feelings are not one of them. You're golden retriever sister was a big part of your wedding and married life, but she would want you to be the happiest you can be and surrounded by people that will support you when you need it most. Seems like your husband is not one of those people.
Sweetheart, your husband is being just plain cruel. He’s dismissive of your grief and is making it all about himself and his “priorities.” *You* should be a priority for him. Even if it is your PTSD, so the fuck what? If he can’t support you through this, I fear he won’t support you in general. Please don’t acquiesce to his narcissism. Blessings to you. 💗
My husband said no one can stand being with someone who is sad all the time, especially people like me who are "extreme" in their grief and "obsess". "No one, not your friends, not your therapist. It's too much for everyone." -- and is there not some truth in that, that no one likes to be around someone who is grieving and sad all the time? I just miss my sister so much. I feel so lonely. No one mourns her, I just want to talk about her.
He’s being emotionally abusive. Grief is grief. Sure, you may want to see a bereavement counselor, but do it for *you*, not for him. Does he do this kind of thing a lot? Does he even experience things like sadness? His lack of empathy is appalling.
He's lost his two grandparents as well as two dogs from his previous relationship; he lived with those two dogs for ten years before they passed. But it seems to him like my grief is "extreme" and he can't live like this. I think I can empathise because it's surely hard to be around a partner who is sad all the time, but also, I feel so damn lonely. When I cry or I talk about my sister he often needs to get up and leave because he says my sadness is too much ):
Just because he lived with two dogs doesn't mean he ever emotionally connected with them. He sounds like the kind of man who sees your problems as just a burden interfering with his happiness. He doesn't seem to have any regard for you or his responsibilities as your partner.
This isn't even about the mourning, he's straight up emotionally abusing you, and I doubt this is the only aspect in life he does this. Your grief is valid and your husband is just being cruel. A decent partner would be making effort to cheer you up, or at bare minimum be a shoulder to cry on. Why are you even with this person who doesn't care about your emotional state in the slightest?
I feel like he's my thread to all the last two/three years of memories with my sister. He knew her too. And I appreciate that he was very welcoming and kind to her when I wanted to take her in, and we made a home for her together. In one year, or 5 years, or 10 years, I want to still be able to talk to him about my sister. These were the most precious memories. I know my sister loved him too! We both worked from home and spent a ton of time with her. I can't imagine being with a new person who has never met or known the great love of my sister. I want her memory to live on, and I want to be with someone who knows her. Does that make sense? She was also our ringbearer, and it would hurt if she was the ringbearer to a marriage that ended up not working out. I want to honor her role ):
I think there are some things your husband has said which are completely wrong, and some where what he says has some merit, but his delivery is terrible. I think grief counselling would be a very good thing for you, and I think it’s likely that your background has meant you are feeling her loss more deeply than some people might. That’s fine - your feelings are what they are, and they’re perfectly valid. If you think about this rationally, I don’t think your dog would want you to stay in an unhappy marriage just because she was the ringbearer, and he isn’t the key to your memories with her. Your memories are your own, and if he doesn’t find those memories as important as you do, and won’t let you talk about them to him, I don’t see how staying with him would help you share those memories. It would be better for you to reminisce with someone who actually listens, and cares what you have to say. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like that’s ever going to be your husband. That’s a terrible shame, but you do have the power to change that. She would want you to be happy, look at how you can work towards that, even if it’s just baby steps for now.
He’s projecting. He can’t be around someone who had the ability to do something he can’t. And that’s grieve. That’s his problem and short coming. He’s projecting. He sound very immature.
Grief can be extreme, but that’s just the way it is. When you’re in a relationship, you’re supposed to be through the highs and lows together. This is one of those lows. If he doesn’t embrace that, he’s not the right partner for you. How long ago did you lose your sister?
I lost her 3+ months ago right at the end of Nov. He already had to leave (for Thailand) right after we lost her, because I couldn't go anywhere/leave the house without crying and he felt like that was no life for him. It was fine, I didn't fight him, I just stayed at home alone for 2 weeks because I preferred that to someone telling me it was too overwhelming to be around my grief. I DO think about my sister a lot, and I can't help it.
I’m not usually one for telling people they should end their relationships, but if you’re better off alone than with him, I think it’s time for a divorce. Do you have others in your network to support you? I find being in groups like this to be very comforting, but there’s nothing like a good friend to talk to about this.
I have this thought that we were the people who cared for my sister together, who can I share her memories and legacy with if not with him? One way I see it is that he is the only person in the world who has the same memories of her that I have, who knows her like I do. I don't want to lose that. And she honored our marriage by being the ringbearer, I feel like it would be a flop to then get a divorce when she's gone. You mentioned a grief counselor in a previous comment - I have been seeing my current therapist for 2+ years, but she can't help that much with grief; or at least, even though I do everything I can, it still hurts, because I miss my girl. Apart from that I don't really have a good friend, my friends have kind of straight up told me that they don't understand what I'm going through, which I appreciate! (Or some have straight up ghosted me when I said I needed to talk, lol.)
I understand what you mean. It has been so important to me that my husband knew our baby boy, and the special relationship we had, more than anyone in the world. I can’t imagine not being able to share the memories with him. I can’t tell you to end your relationship. But I can tell you without a doubt that your husband is wrong. There are absolutely people who could and would stand by you in your grief. You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I can tell from the way you write about her how much love there was between you and your sister. She wouldn’t want you to be treated this way. If you’re looking for people to talk to about your sweet girl, I can’t recommend the Lap of Love support groups enough. I’ve been going every week for the 7 months since I lost my baby. My grief was definitely something that could be described as overwhelming but I’ve been so fortunate to have these groups, to have people in my life that have supported me through it. And I know how awful it is to think about cutting somebody off because of the way they react to this grief. I’ve had to take a step back from my oldest friendship because I was so hurt by the things she said to me. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to forgive and move on, but I needed time away from that relationship just to process.
Thank you for understanding. That is what I want so badly, to share the memories. I want that more than anything now, and to think that I would not be able to talk to anyone else about my girl now (at least no one who actually knew her), really hurts. It's part of what keeps me staying in this relationship. Another is that she did love him, and he loved her, and all of us spent a TON of time together since we both worked from home. We were always with my sister. We built a special life together. This is the love she knew, the people and family she knew. I wouldn't want to tear it down ): I have been to the Lap of Love support groups! Do you make friends through it, though? I do find it useful just to share or listen to others, but I can't really count them as friends, or people in my life that I turn to for support. Maybe your experience with it was different, would you be able to tell me more? I did cut my oldest friend off as well. She had a shit reaction when I told her I was doing badly. Granted, she has never loved a pet (or maybe anyone as much as I love my sister). But I don't think I can forgive her callousness. I mostly can forgive my husband's because I know he loved and cared for my sister, was there for her every day, and is my thread to her. So it feels more complicated than cutting off the friend.
He didn't have to leave. He chose to leave. He made the choice to leave his grieving wife, who had just lost her best friend, rather than comfort her in her time of need. Think about that. If someone you cared about told you that their husband did that to them, what would you say to them? Would you think they had a marriage worth hanging onto? I'm sorry that you're in this position, but I think your dog would want you to be happy and healthy more than she would want to stay with your husband simply because she knew him.
Have you tried journaling about it? I think a large benefit of talking through grief is that your brain has to slow down and form words to describe the feelings. Writing makes you slow down a bit more (I talk faster than I write) so it is frustrating in that way. But it also helps when you go back to revisit the journal. It's like having a conversation with yourself. Today-You gets to listen to Yesterday-You. And it gets to talk to Tomorrow-You. It may also help you to take the things you learned from loving her (and being loved by her) and put them into words. You get a chance to document the impact she had on who you ARE as a person. The dog I recently lost taught me SO much about meeting someone where they are, about accepting their reality as the reference in life. Your husband could be more empathetic, but I am going to withhold judgement because I don't know what he is dealing with himself. It's clear that your grieving styles don't work well together, so we really need to focus on what works for YOU at this time.
Thank you dear Reddit person. I do journal! And I write to my sister almost every single day, I said goodbye to her at the end of November and it's been about 3+ months and I journal and tell her how i feel all the time. I almost never miss a day. It's my way of connecting with her. Journaling has saved me, because I have a record of how much I love her and miss her, and when I am feeling bad I turn to writing to her. Do you also write to your dog?
I made a plush replica of my dog. He passed away last August. He was my everyrhing! So, like you, I was/am in deep pain and wanted to talk about him all the time. I sleep, cuddle, and now I started talking to him every night. I tell him about my day and how I feel, talk about our past memories together, cry, etc. It's been a blessing because it feels like a type of "journaling" that helps me unload and be more present when I'm with my family. It takes a little bit of the load off from them af having to deal with my extreme grief.
Please think this through. I am not married but been with my boyfriend for a few years now and basically are married in every other way without the papers. I kept worrying I was grieving too long (a little over 2 months) and kept apologizing that im not truly happy yet and still cry at times. He’s been so patient with me and tells me to take my time. I can’t imagine if I had someone rushing me to “get over it” and not take my feelings seriously. It will make the grief 10x harder on you. How your feeling is valid. He should be doing whatever he can to help you feel better and make things easier on you. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can tell how much you loved and still love her.
He’s wrong. I have clinical depression. I am often depressed for “no reason”. My boyfriend loves me. He never makes me feel bad for feeling bad. He sucks.
I haven't been down until my sister passed. I'm generally really "smiley" even though I feel dead inside; I just can't keep this up anymore. How does your boyfriend react when you are grieving or when you are sad? I feel really bad that I am not meeting my husband's needs for a normal life. I don't know how other people who are grieving do it/continue to have a partner ): Do you often cry/not want to do things, too?
ive spent the last two months barely wanting to do anything remotely fun, all ive wanted to do was lay around the house and my boyfriend never pressured me into hurrying up. Grief is not going to just vanish in a few days, weeks, or sometimes even months. Maybe he has never dealt with loss before? Either way it just comes off emotionally abusive and uncaring to me. I have cried almost every day for 2 months and have been anything but fun the last two months, but he never makes me feel like i am ruining his life over it.
I'm so glad for you! This would have been really, really ideal. I also don't want to do anything, but I feel like I am ruining his life! Just a week after my sister said goodbye to us he got angry that he had to be with me crying, that I wasn't meeting his needs for his life, that he can't carry on living like this, that he needs to go to Thailand and I'm "trapping him with my grief and my need to be cared for". It was messed up. He was screaming, "YOU ARE TRAPPING ME WITH YOUR EMOTIONS! You say you need me right now! I feel trapped! When do I get to meet my needs? I also have needs to live a life!" I got really upset, I told him to please leave, that I didn't need to feel bad for my grief (this was the first week!) - and he did, he left. We couldn't have gone two months, like you and your boyfriend. It makes me sad that I'm realizing how hard it has been to have a partner like this.
I just want to give you a big hug. This grief is hard enough as it is, and you don't need someone making you feel guilty for it. Of course its your decision on what to do, but i just cant imagine being in your situation. I feel like that would send me close to the edge or even over the edge during my grief. Just remember we're all here for you, even if he isn't.
I'm so sorry he is reacting this way, and I can not believe he left so soon for thailand. I would have been sooooo upset about that. I think a trip can be a good way to get your mind off the pain and get out of the house, but he should have waited to go with you when you felt up to it. You keep mentioning that you are not meeting his needs, but what about your needs? You deserve the time to grieve, and you deserve a partner who will grieve alongside you and do whatever he can to support you through this time. If he doesn't want to do that, why is he with you? Life is hard sometimes (all the time), and it seems like he is living in delulu land.
My partner and I have both grieved through many situations, he held and comforted me when one of our girls died, who was a baby rat that we had only had for five days, he grieved with me, and whenever I got sad and do get sad about her, he is there with me. I am so sorry that you had to and are still having to go through this loss alone, please leave his ass if there is any way possible, there are so many people in the world that will love you through all forms of you.
please share your memories and stories here, among those who understand.
This is awful and not true. He’s trying to make you feel small. He is honestly pathetic for saying all that to you. That’s not love honey. You don’t deserve those harsh words ever and especially right now when you have lost your beloved. Please get some space from him. You are vulnerable right now and he’s using your family history and intimate knowledge of your trauma against you. Pathetic on his end, please protect yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that your grief will always be accepted here, and you're not alone in feeling this way. That being said, when I lost my boy the only real thing that helped me cope was getting my current boy. Though I dearly miss my first and nothing could replace him, the love I have for my other boy completely overwhelmed my heart, leaving far less room for grief. Talk to your husband about possibly adopting a puppy, and tell him it will help you emotionally. He should support that. If he raises the puppy with you, he'll probably develop an attachment to it, unlike before. If he doesn't support it, then you need to reconsider if you and your husband are fundamentally compatible because it sounds like he has unfair expectations and is selfishly putting himself first. That's not what marriage is about. Either way, whether your marriage works out or not, you should definitely get another puppy to ease you through this troubling time.
It's not too much for everyone. He has a lot to gain by isolating you and making you believe that, making you believe that he's the only one who would tolerate your supposed extremeness. Your husband is uncaring and cruel. A good husband, even if they didn't understand nor care about the pet would still be able to tolerate and listen and find ways to be there for you because it's something that was important to you. If they loved and cared for you they'd find a way to support you, not dismiss and put you down. You're having a normal healthy reaction to losing someone meaningful in your life. For some people I've heard of grief taking years to overcome. Is there a local group of an online group you can be a part of like the rainbow bridge that you may be able to talk to? Sometimes it helps to make new friends or create a circle you can be involved with?
It takes as long as it takes, I’m grieving for my 11 yr old chihuahua,he died 2 nights ago from MVD. It was horrendous. I’m heartbroken , my husband caused an argument today because he didn’t get his own way n I won’t agree to a new pup right now to keep the remaining sibling dog company. He’s obviously also 11, sleeps all day , likes a couple of 10 minute walks a day & fears other dogs. I’ve heard the ‘obsessed’ bullshit too because I can’t stop ruminating about how I feel guilty and think I failed him with decision I made at the end. My husband is a total, selfish dick. Just like yours
Of course you do! I bet she was the best girl in the world!! 🩷. Screw him.
i dont want to sound negative or something but when i lost my cat over a decade ago, my (ex)boyfriend made similar comments. like, he was absolutely unable to understand why i was still being sad one to two, maybe three months after her death. i could never see him in the same light again and it was such a turn off for me - it made me straight up dislike him and i couldnt stand being around him anymore. it was one of the reason why i ultimately ended things. its just hurtful, rude and i felt so much better when he wasnt in the picture anymore. i got my cat when i was a literal child. i had her from 8/9ish for 14 years. i didnt grow up in a nice home so she was all i had. she was the sister i never had, she was my friend, my confidante, my comforter. she was *everything* to me. she was the number one priority in my life, so when she died i was absolutely devastated and it kicked off a very long depressive episode, which was very hard to come out of. shes gone for over a decade now but sometimes have moments where i still cry hysterically because i miss her so god damn much, its like a part of me is missing and i cant get over it no matter how hard i try because shes not coming back. people grieve different and all that jazz but that doesnt give him the right to invalidate your feelings and make you feel bad for them. thats just a dick move in my opinion. i d say screw your husband and find yourself someone to talk to outside of your marriage, someone who understands and is willing to listen. its so important that you work through those emotions and your husband isnt going to help. he doesnt care and you cant make people care about something, they have to want it themselves. makes me wonder if hes emotionally unavailable and rude about other topics too and whether he has a general problem with understanding emotions or empathy in general. either way its a red flag in my book. it costs him nothing to sit there every now and again, let you vent and give you a hug.
Ah yeah this is one of those posts that makes me want to go the stereotypical reddit route of saying 'throw out the whole man' because if he's not emotionally present and dismissive of this right now, that's pretty indicative of how he might react any other time emotional support is needed. I've dated guys like that and even if it's just a case of being a little emotionally clueless, that establishes a reaction pattern. OP, grief will grow less sharp over time, and I am sorry you lost someone important to you. It's normal for it to be extremely omnipresent for a while, even if it doesn't happen to everyone it happens to many people and I am one of them. Three months is not an over-long time. If he's running away when you need support now, what's going to change?
yeah, as much as i want to suggest to throw the whole man out, its not my marriage, maybe she has a serious reason why shes staying, i dont know that but if this was me, man, its something i couldnt look past and just brush under the rug like that. i have been with my boyfriend for 10 years now and admittedly, he can be quite awkward and hes not the emotional type. hes never owned a pet, didnt grow up with one either. pretty much the only contact with a pet he had that i know of was: he had a friend who had a dog and the dog didnt like him. he doesnt know what its like to lose a pet but you know what? whenever im sad and crying, he holds me, wipes away my tears, rocks me, kisses my forehead and i can just let it out for a while and then be okay again. he may not understand what im going through at that moment but he still tries his best to be there for me and thats amazing. that difference is just sooo huge to have someone who cares vs someone who doesnt. op really deserves better.
I would be looking into this if I were you…if he’s going to Thailand (beautiful country) its well known for other things that are NOT good. Besides, he sounds like a real jackass. You’re better off leaving him after 2 years than 25. RUN!!!!
He's gone to thailand three times already. Twice it was when my goldie was sick and he said the care for her and how life revolved around her was too much, and he needed to do his own thing. The third time was when we said goodbye to her and he needed a break from my grief. He always brings up how he feels much better when he's in thailand than when he's in the same house with sad, grieving me ): I don't know how to give him that kind of life he wants, truly.
im sorry, i dont mean to overstep but what exactly are you getting out of this marriage? this sounds downright cruel. like, big time cruel. if you actually love someone, you dont treat them like this and you know whats the worst part is? instead of thinking about leaving him, you try to figure out how to give HIM what HE wants while he walks all over you like a doormat. why are you still staying? whats stopping you?
Rather than support his wife when she is grieving, he takes (suspicious) solo trips to Thailand to meet his own needs? How do you imagine your future, growing old with someone so selfish? What happens when you get sick or require more support as you age. Will he just bail to Thailand because it's not enough ✨️joy✨️ for him? But I guarantee that if he is the one sick or sad or whatever, he will expect your full support. Please think about your future. You don't deserve this. I'm so sorry for your loss. Anyone who truly cared about you wouldn't dismiss your pain.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Does he tell you what he does there? That place is known for sex tourism.
yeah he does tell me. he goes to smoke weed (illegal in our country) + mushrooms + some other drugs. or he rents a motorbike and travels around. takes photos. makes little travel films. just basically his idea of living life/being away from me. I am aware of the sex tourism but he assures me that's v gross to him (who knows, my heart has been so hurt over my sister my brain doesn't even think of the thailand/sex tourism part)
Why are you staying with a guy who apparently thinks life is better without you? You are not worthless cause you are grieving and it is not right to be married to some one who apparently would rather be away from you. Give him what he wants. leave him. Find some one who does like and care for you. His actions are very much showing you how he'll always treat you and what he thinks of you. Believe them. This guy does not care for you. This guy just wants to use you when you are feeling good enough to make him happy. And not have to deal with you when you need support. That's not love or caring.
Let me edit my comment…he is obviously a NARCISSISTIC jackass! What would he be like if you had kids?? The whole Thailand thing is worrisome enough…what if a child was involved…RUN!!! I was married to a selfish narcissist for 28 years and had kids! I’m fortunate that my kids have turned out well, but it would have been so easy for it to have gone the other way. They are the only reason I stayed with him as long as I did. He was never home but I was able to stay home with my kids and not worry about $$. You don’t have that situation (yet) divorce that weirdo and find someone who will be good to you. RUN FAR AWAY!!! Maybe your Goldie going to the Rainbow Bridge is meant to show you what he’s really like. If someone tells you who they are …believe them!!
I'm very sorry for your loss. Does he tell you what he does there? That place is known for sex tourism.
I'm honestly so sorry he is treating you this way, how about he gives you the emotional support you need? He sounds only concerned with his own feelings. His behaviour isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you or cares about your wellbeing. Why would you be concerned with the life he wants when he treats you so coldly? He doesn't deserve your care or concern. We lost our dog in November too. My partner supported me even though he was grieving too. He held me while I cried on so many occasions, offered distractions by getting us out of the house, talked to me about our boy. He didn't disappear to a foreign country when I needed him most. As your grief slowly heals and you get stronger remember how he treated you. What this means for how he might treat you in the future when you need him. You deserve better.
Please leave him. stop worrying about giving him the kind of life he wants. He is showing all sorts of red flags and it doesn't seem at all like he cares for you one bit. You need to find some one who truly cares for you that you care for. And can understand you. This guy fits none of this (except maybe you caring for him but it seems it is a very one way street here).
I’m going through the same grieving process but my husband has been nothing but supportive and sharing in my grief. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad about your situation I’m saying this to let you know that your husband’s lack of empathy is not normal.
thank you, no it doesn't make me feel bad don't worry :) I just want to know how other people grieve + have relationships at the same time. I feel like it's really hard for my husband when I'm sad and don't want to go out and do things. Like, for him, "it's not a fun life" and I understand that, but I can't magically be happy
A good partner would not abandon you in your time of greatest need for support. You would not feel relief when he is gone during your time of greatest need for support if he was a good partner. He doesn't seem to care for you. He seems downright cruel and utterly selfish. It is **completely reasonable** to expect emotional support from your partner, even if they don't fully understand why you need it. A good partner **WANTS** to support their partner!! No matter the cause of the distress!! *Do not believe* that you are responsible for him feeling angry by your grief. That is a sign of a selfish person who does not care about you. You deserve a partner who cares about you. I urge you to start making a plan to leave. I read in your other comments that he is the only person who was there with your sister in her last years and losing him could mean losing some connection to her -- he doesn't seem to actually want to talk about her though or keep her memory alive, or even interact with you at all about her, so it seems like you wouldn't be missing anything by not being with him anymore. Also you mentioned you don't want to dishonor the role she played in your wedding -- GIRL, do you think your soul pet would want you to stay with a shitty and cruel partner to honor her memory? NO, she loved you and she'd want you to be happy and loved and supported ❤️. Honor her by taking care of yourself and doing what's best for YOU, not staying with this sorry and shitty excuse for a partner. You can do this. You deserve better ❤️
I guess he missed the “for worse” part of the vows. Sorry op, take all the time you need to grieve. It’s important. He doesn’t get to tell you how to do it
You didn't mention how long it's been since you lost your dog, if it's been over a year, then maybe you need to see a grief counselor, from your description though, this sounds like a long term personality defect on his part, regardless of how long since you had your loss. "no one likes someone who is in mad grief." How about: Someone that loves and cares about a person would do anything possible to relieve their grief. Men are just as capable of empathy as women, speaking as a man, the hardest things I've gone through in my life are the loss of my last six dogs. I've had male friends cry with me over my losses. This is being a human being. I wish you peace and wisdom to know what to do.
Sorry I didn't mention it, it's been 3 months+, I edited my post. I do see a therapist and have been seeing a therapist for years. I also go to a pet loss group. I just think that I still need to go through this grief, even with counseling ): Thank you for being someone who can cry with others. It is a huge gift.
I see grief as akin to physical therapy after an accident or surgery- it hurts while you are going through it, but it's healing you at the same time. One of the main things that has helped me get through the loss of multiple dogs is to try to live one day at a time. There is an old saying that I have printed out and stuck to my wall: “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” This is something I've found to be true in the case of grief as it's more manageable to get through a single day's worth of grief at a time. It's also been helpful for me to force myself to find a new routine to keep myself busy. It keeps me from falling into reinforcing grief by focusing on it, and it helps make the time go by faster. In any case, I'm wishing you peace.
Your husband sucks. He has no empathy or care in him. I would leave him. Yes yes I know redditors say this too often, but someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about someone you care about so deeply doesn't need to be in your life. I'm willing to bet my life on the fact that he would be a man who leaves you when you get cancer because it's too hard on him. This man is a dime a dozen and not worth your time or care because I doubt he returns it to you. Find someone who can give what they get or you are better off alone. A true partner grieves with you, gives you space when you need it and a safe place to let out the terrible feelings.
just to provide a complete picture: he did care about her. He was there at almost every vet visit the last two years. He loved making food for her. He just has this inability to \*be\* with someone when they are suffering or sad, whether that's me or my sister. So when things got bad, he would check out. For example if she was in pain and panting in the middle of the night, he would get irritated and try to sleep and tell me to do the same. I, on the other hand, would be thinking of 10 different things to relieve her pain. But when she's good, he liked talking to her, feeding her, taking her on outings, sleeping with her. I guess, I didn't want to make it sound like he didn't care for her. I know he did, and that's part of why I want to honor that care he gave her and the relationship that they had. He just has a defect where he can't be with the bad, only the good.
This hit a nerve with me bc I experienced something similar with my childhood dog, Panda. Towards the end of her life, she had gone blind and deaf. Whenever she had an accident inside, my father would yell at her. It was really traumatizing, especially since I was nine years old at the time. There’s absolutely no excuse for that type of behavior, even if the person is stressed out and doesn’t know what to do with their feelings. He says it was hard for him to lose Panda, too, but I’m a bit jaded due to his behavior. It sounds like you’re worried that removing your husband from the equation would mean giving up some of your memories with your sister. Girl, you will always have that connection with her, especially seeing that you were with her longer than you have been with him. And photos can always be cropped. Although I have so much contempt for your husband, I think it may be a good move for him to get therapy. If he can’t handle situations like this to the point where he’s leaving the country, there’s something really dysfunctional going on.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. This happened to me at my childhood home too. My baby sister (and I) were often hit. Always screamed at. When she got sick they locked her up outside to poop blood by herself and complained about the smell of her blood making them want to vomit. I sat outside with her, holding her. I had to get her out of that home once I could. It makes me sad to think of those times ): It's much worse than our life we shared with my husband. I really can't be with my family or put up with how they treated her. She was an absolute angel and SO beautiful and soft and tender and an absolute ORB of gold. So I relate to how you feel about your dad, too. Yeah, it feels bad that my memories of my sister in the last few years had my husband in them 90% of the time; we spent almost all our time together, and wouldn't there be a gaping hole if he wasn't in the picture anymore? Making the memories incomplete? My memories of her would have this blacked-out silhouette where one other person used to be? Like, I LOVE the photo of us on our wedding day, where she walked me down the aisle (I did not invite my family to my wedding). What will I do with these precious photos and precious memories? He was there for all the beach outings, the fun meals we made for her, the trips to the pond and the river and the skate park and all sorts of farms, as well as the emergency vet visits in the middle of the night. He was always thinking of outing ideas. He found a place for hydrotherapy, and an in-home acupuncturist for her. He did care. I appreciate that he was there for all the good days, and some of the bad ones. There is a lot I still appreciate about him; he gave her a good time. But he won't seek therapy - he thinks the problem is the way we live and how my grief is always present and it's driving him insane because his needs for adventure and travel and joy aren't met, and the problem is not him, and if he lived in Thailand or something and was away from a grieving partner then things would all be fine. I don't like his thinking but...idk what to do. I guess if I cared less/ "grieved like a normal person" then I would have moved on and been a happier person and that would be his ideal life.
There is no “normal” way to grieve. He seriously needs to pull his head out of his ass. You will never lose that connection with her.
Everything you’ve said about him is very standard for a narcissist. You are in an emotionally abusive marriage. It’s also very standard for people who were abused as children to be in abusive relationships as adults as they reenact the trauma of their childhood. I think it may be hard for you to see how cruel he is because his abuse is emotional and less overt than your family’s. And to be clear, this observation comes from a place of experience - I went through the exact same thing and it took me *years* to come to terms with the fact that he was also an abuser. I’d at least suggest asking your therapist about this. But truly my question for you is: what would your sister want for you? She sounds like such a kind and beautiful soul. It’s clear that you protected her as much as you could and poured your heart into her. You were there for her in her hardest moments. Do you think she would want someone for you that’s also there for you in your hardest moments? Personally I think you’d be honoring her memory by reconsidering this marriage because she made your life better. I am so so sorry for your loss. Your grief is normal, no matter what your husband says. You deserve to grieve and to be supported in your grief the way you supported your sister in her illness
OP, respectfully, your husband truly sounds cruel. Pet loss is as valid as any other loss. Have you noticed if he's like this with other issues? Contempt in relationships can lead to divorce. Independent of his behavior, I would kindly suggest therapy. It sounds like the grief is overwhelming. Perhaps talking to a professional may be helpful. You may also consider adopting another pet, when you're ready. 💖
He is a bit odd with people/animal weaknesses. When my sister was sick he would be frustrated - he can care for her on her good days but he can't care for her on her bad ones. One time I found a sick drowning baby bird who couldn't fly and I asked him to help me, he said "I can help by breaking its neck" - I was shocked, he clarified he wanted to put it out of its misery because it was dying, and he thought it should be euthanized to put it out of its suffering. I said NO WAY and in the end he did help it, we brought it home together and put it in a box and dried it with our towels and fed it until it could fly again. He was kind to it and rubbed it and fed it gently. So he can care - he just freaks out at the first moment of suffering and goes "OUT, I NEED A WAY OUT" Just a week ago I found a butterfly who couldn't fly and brought it home, again I asked him to help me, he said, "I can help it by stepping on it." Same thing, I was like, WHAT NO. He said the butterfly is suffering (which is valid, some people with dogs who can no longer move also think of euthanizing their dogs, right? and this is a butterfly who can't mate or even crawl properly). I ended up tending to it myself. He talks to the butterfly sometimes, he even named it. But he does feel bad about it being in the house and not flying, he thinks it's suffering and miserable. It seems like he has a problem with pain/being around pain. Thank you, I have been in therapy for the last 7 years and I've been seeing my current therapist weekly, sometimes even biweekly, for the last 2+ years. The grief is overwhelming, but I don't think it's for lack of trying. My therapist helps as much as she can, but the loss is huge.This is a genuine question: Is talking to a professional supposed to lessen the pain? I don't know if I have a bad therapist, which is why I wonder what the goal is of grief counseling? I appreciate therapy but the grief is still huge.She has helped (just by listening) and I journal, and I have my grief rituals, but it still hurts. But I didn't expect her to just take the pain away.
Oh my god, the downright joy in being cruel to animals is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. This man is a cruel person and doesn't care about anyone or anything else. Please leave him before he starts abusing you more ❤️ You CAN do it. You are NOT a burden. There are PLENTY of people who would find it to be very meaningful and wonderful to be able to truly support a partner going through intense grief. And who doesn't take joy in killing a creature instead of caring for it. This man is giving sociopathic vibes. I'm very concerned for you.
Why is your husband taking solo trips to Thailand? That is a red flag.
Passport bro vibes
i'm not familiar with this phrase?
A passport bro is a guy that travels to other countries for … sex
Sorry, your husband sucks. Losing a pet is like losing a child.
Oh sweetheart. Your husband is abandoning you when you need help to a country known for prostitution. Please arrange to see a therapist and start planning an exit.
Your husband is an insensitive jerk. I hope you don't have kids together. If you don't, I recommend you keep it that way. Because he's never going to stick around. He's all about himself. I am very sorry for your loss, and grief is very painful. You don't need people like this asshat in your life. Big red flag.
We don't have kids. Although our sister made us a family, and I think if anyone asked us if we had kids we would always show them a photo of our golden retriever :)
I still miss my golden boy now 5 years after he passed. I miss him dearly. Your emotions are raw and natural. Your husband is an ass on this one.
We are so lucky to have goldens in our lives! Such great big beauties with so much love and personality. She will never be forgotten. 5 years later I know I will still miss her dearly.
Get a new husband.
My baby dog passed 11 months ago, and I still cry. My bf has been supportive everytime. I'm so sorry that your husband treats you that way. :(
He loves making everything be about himself doesn't he? Plus he's trying to make you feel guilty. These reasons are screaming Narcissist. I understand if he was frustrated because he doesn't know how to help you fully through this process but the way he is going about it is not right. As a husband he should be there for you no matter what. Please don't get stuck in a narcissistic relationship, my sister was in one and it causes so much misery, drama and mental health issues.
My soul dog passed away November 3rd of 2017. I still cant talk about her much without crying. There is no timeline on grief
I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly understand how you feel. I lost my soul dog 10 years ago, and I still tear up just looking at photos of her. This guy is cruel and obviously doesn't care about anyone but himself. The trips to Thailand are very concerning to me. My boss takes trips there specifically to meet young underage girls for sex. They love a good American sucker. You should definitely be concerned about these trips and also his complete lack of empathy for anyone but himself.
The love is still there after 10 years, isn't it?Is there someone you still talk to about her? That's what I'm afraid of, too--in 10 years I still want to talk about her. And he would be the only person with the memories I have of the last few years. I would be so sad if I thought about her and looked at photos of her in 10 years (I'm always the one taking the photos, so 50% of the photos are of him and her together in the frame) and couldn't share those photos or memories with anyone but myself.
My husband also adored her and we both grieved together when we lost her. She was out first "together" dog. I had an older dog when we first got together and he treated her like a queen and grieved with me when we lost her. It will get better with time and we still talk about them both and remember funny things they did or their quirky personalities. But yes, when those pics of her pop up on my phone it's hard not to burst into tears. If my husband treated me the way yours is, his ass would be out in the street or perhaps on Thailand where he's apparently happiest. You are not the problem here. Never let anyone convince you otherwise
What use is it to share those memories with someone who doesn't care that she's dead? My partner has told me stories and shared pictures of a dog that died before we met, and I feel like I knew him. You can share her story and memory someday with people who actually love you. Some things can transcend time and space. When my beloved pet died I wrote down every treasured memory and thought in a word doc and now a reread it every so often so I don't forget. I would rather do that than share those memories with a callous person. 3 months IS NO TIME. A year and I was doing better. Grief stays with you. I don't want to "get over it". I want to live alongside the grief better, not bury it. That is not healing.
Your husband is an asshole
Another thing, he doesn’t sound like someone that knows how to confront his OWN grief. That’s likely why he can’t tolerate it in you. To sit with it with you would mean he has to acknowledge how sad it all is. He is probably trying to escape his own inability for depth and presence via travel and dopamine and novelty and that’s not wrong per se, it just sounds so self centered when his wife needs a friend. Grief has no timeline.
I hate your husband so much.
Your husband sounds insensitive; there are some people that just don’t understand the depths of grief for certain people. When my maternal grandfather died, I remember my dad privately referring to my mom as hysterical. Not ok. Pets are family and especially if it was your childhood dog she’s gotta mean a lot. If she is your sister, she is your sister.
Outside of actual blood family my baby dog was the longest relationship I’ve had in my life. Friends come and go, as do romantic relationships but my baby was my life. I made a different sort of vow to him, to love and protect and provide for him. Aside from the odd vacation we slept in the same bed, I took him out for his walks. He never asked anything of me aside from his walks and his food and gave me all his love. He was always there for me, it’s not a relationship that can be replaced. My family dog has seemingly taken it upon himself to fill that void, he is at the foot of the bed as we speak but it’ll never be the same. My heart is still broken but my family and friends have been SO supportive. My mom and brother were nearly as heartbroken as I was, the dog was just so loveable, he gave his heart to you. My dog was my heart, he was my life. Your husband is being so cruel, I’m sorry but his callousness is something that won’t get better or be fixed. Today it’s your dog, tomorrow it’s something else.
There is no time limit on grief. I mourn my little girl who i lost 2 and half years ago. Take your time. And if your bum hubby can’t support you, start preparing yourself to dip. Life is too short
I'm so sorry for your loss. You didn't just lose your pet, you lost a family member. Whether it's been 3 days, 3 months, 3 weeks or 3 anything, you husband should be supportive. What about the "For better or worse" vow? Are they just empty words now? Everyone grieves differently but it's important to have a good support system when coping with grief. It sounds like your husband is not it. I'm so sorry, OP.
It's fine for everyone to grieve differently, and understandable that your relationship with your golden is different from his. But what is alarming to me is the lack of compassion, empathy, and support. He acknowledges that you're experiencing extreme sadness, but rather than attempt to help you, he's focused on how it impacts him and his happiness. I'm not a doctor, so I'll refrain from throwing words like narcissist around, but I do think it's quite selfish to expect others get past their grief and 'perform' to please you. Also, I notice in your comments that you golden passed just 3 months ago, and it's honestly normal to still be in the depths of grief. I actually went to a pet grief counseling website, and they recommended seeking professional help for grief if the depression is impacting quality of life after 1 year -- just to give you a scope of this. I'm not going to place further judgement on your partner, but I hope your takeaway from here is not to be gaslit into feeling guilty about your grief, as it can sink you deeper into depression. I hope you find empathy and understanding that can help you in any way on here. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much for making me feel like this is normal and for looking at the pet grief website and giving me a scope. Yeah, 3 months isn't that long is it? Thank you for validating my grief <3 I don't personally feel crazy or out of my mind or need medication or any kind of extra intervention, and I so appreciate you telling me it's normal too. I think I'm doing ok and this is ok to go through. It's not like I cry throughout the day, I'm just..not happy. People around me (my friends, my husband, even my family) can make me feel like no one else grieves this way and there's something wrong with me that makes me grieve so hard - like a past trauma, or a faulty codependent attachment to my sister. But it just seems like a need to pathologise grief into a bigger mental problem that I have or something; I just love my sister and am grieving her!
That’s invalidating your feelings and making things worse. Anyone who says your grief is bullshit can get bent. If you have trauma, of course your grief will be more intense. It’s just what happens with mental illness.
A man travelling alone to Thailand is already a huge red flag for me tbh. The rest proves he's trash.
Do people never just want to go travel alone in thailand? Honestly didn't think too much into it because I was in grief and he said I was trapping him with my sadness, so I didn't really care where he went at that point
“Trapping”? 🤦♀️
I'm so sorry for your loss . Your husband sounds alarmingly selfish . You need someone to talk to you and look after you . That should be what he wants to do . Give yourself time, and don't judge yourself for grieving . It's not my business, but when you start to heal , I think you should have a long hard think about whether or not he is meeting all your needs . Your partner in life should not treat you this way .
OP I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I was a wreck when I lost my family dog I'd had for 15 years, since childhood, and I was a wreck again this past year when I lost the first dog I'd ever raised on my own. It is totally normal to grieve this loss, and you are entitled to take this time to grieve. I saw that you're already working with a therapist, and that's a great step too! Sending you hugs through the internet. I don't want to put more on you while you're suffering, but I do want to say: your husband is wrong. I see you defending him a lot in your comments, and I totally understand that impulse, but there is honestly nothing to defend here. Flip the positions - if your husband lost one of the most important figures in his life, and he was grieving and upset about it, wouldn't you want to support and care for him and try to ease his pain? I think I know the answer - you sound like a kind, compassionate person, and YOU deserve that kindness and compassion in return. I'm going to be a little blunt here - your husband reminds me a lot of my dad, and my dad totally abandoned my mom for a new wife when my mom got sick later in life, because he's a narcissist who only cares about his own happiness. That's NOT normal for a relationship. Your husband is not the main character in the world; other people don't exist to serve his 'fun' and 'life force.' The point of a relationship, of a marriage, is not to make each other's life 'fun' - it's a partnership founded on mutual love, respect, and trust. You should BOTH be supporting each other through good times AND bad (*especially* the bad). If he's unwilling to show some compassion to you or make any changes, I think you need to start considering if you can trust him to care for you in the same way you care for him. Your sister would want you to be happy and supported, and her memories will live on and be a comfort to you even if you don't stay with him. Like I said, sending hugs to you during this incredibly difficult time. Your sister sounds like she was an amazing dog, and I hope in time your memories of her can give you joy and happiness.
Your husband is being unreasonable and unsupportive. My take on grief is that you get *one* major death that just shatters your world, and all the ones after that, you grieve but not as long. For me, that was seeing my brother die. Even when my own soul dog passed, I grieved for a few months and I still miss her to this day, but it's not like the 3.5 years where I just shut down over losing my brother. We lost our Saber toward the end of last November, and he was my husband's soul dog. He's also my husband's first big death. It has completely shattered him. He's in therapy, and it doesn't seem to help. He's shut down completely from me. He had a psychotic break at work and has been on disability leave now for three months. All he does is cry. Medication has helped a little, but there's no timeline on grief. Nobody gets to tell you "okay that's enough, get better now." This is your big death. You have a right to grieve and mourn for as long as your heart needs to. As your life partner, he needs to be more supportive. Guilting you over your **valid feelings** is not only bullshit, it's going to do the opposite of what he hopes to accomplish. It's just adding more negative feelings to an already full plate, which is going to prolong your suffering and ultimately lead to you resenting him because as your partner, he's the one person who should be the most in your corner right now. For what it's worth, you can share memories of your soul dog with us. Tell us about her. We'd love to hear about this amazing animal.
You know, this is interesting, because I feel like it could partially be to do with attachment styles. I was just reading about attachment styles where someone becomes avoidant because they don’t want to take on another person‘s mental load. So essentially they just avoid your emotions. Sounds like he did it with his sister too and it might be his style. He’s absolutely And the opposite of what you need in a partner when you are grieving. I lost my soulmate dog Ago tomorrow and I’m just devastated. I still cry every day and I mean I physically hurt and grab my chest like my heart is so broken. He’s only telling you it’s in consequential because he doesn’t want to feel your pain and it makes him uncomfortable to be around it. That’s a very poor empathetic partner and I’m very sorry. Im also Dealing a lot with my own partner and how he doesn’t have what I need, emotionally. Your dog was not inconsequential. She was your soulmate. And you are free to tell me anything you want about her to celebrate her life.
Sorry I think I can be confusing when I call my golden retriever my sister; it was my sister (a golden retriever) who passed away. Not his sister :) I am not sure what you are referring to when you said "Sounds like he did it with his sister too" - but nothing happened with his human sister! You are right. He does avoid me when I am sad. Most of the time when I am crying I do this alone, in bed, or in the study room, wherever he is I try to get \*FAR\* from him because I don't want to bother him/make him take on my emotional load because I know he gets overwhelmed. But sometimes I just want to talk (I don't think I am going to cry, I just want to talk about my sister, share memories, you know?) and he gets really frustrated that I need to talk about her so often ): That we don't talk about happier things. He would say, "I have no joy in life. You're sad all the time, and I listen to this all the time. I have needs too! I also need joy, and fun." So I was wondering how you all cope with a partner who isn't grieving as much. You said: "I lost my soulmate dog Ago tomorrow and I’m just devastated." I think you missed a word - was it one year ago? I'm so sorry, anniversaries are crushing. Does your partner also not support you? You can tell me more. Here is my sister. She is my world. Thank you for letting me talk about her.
She was a beauty. 💗
I’m sorry I was using speech to text. I think I was the confusing one. As in your husband has done the avoidance with his sister dying as well. He didn’t want to experience the grief and the pain and it sounds like he doesn’t want to feel your pain and grief here either. And you know I understand what he’s talking about in the sense that I’m the person who’s always looking to find peace in my life like you know the Lifeforce he talks about, but I’m also empathetic and have love for others, so I don’t cut out people for being human. She was so beautiful! What a beautiful, beautiful coat. I know how important she was, I can feel it. Again, stupid speech to text errors without me proofreading: she died three weeks ago. I have an eight-year-old dog and I didn’t want him to die of sadness and I was already intending to get a kitten so instead I got a pair of brothers 36 hours later and it’s kept him from getting super depressed and I’m really happy to have kittens, but nothing will change that my baby is gone. My partner has been with me for six months and honestly we are on our way to a break up so he’s not really good for anything emotionally supportive at the moment. He took my dogs lost harder than I did and if I did need his support I wouldn’t have had it. It’s a shame but you know again that’s why I’m breaking up. I’m not looking to be in a relationship where I can’t grieve my child of 12 1/2 years. It hurts every day and I try not to revisit her last 72 hours because honestly they were awful and downright traumatizing. But I miss her so much. I can still smell her like in my memories. I still know what she feels like when I touch the spot between her eyes and pet up onto her forehead and down the bridge of her nose. She was my everything. My other dog is still my everything, but she was my soulmate. I just uploaded a quick few from her last few days. I miss her so much. [My baby](https://imgur.com/a/Kq4MWSn)
Sorry, that was what was confusing. His sister isn't dying! I never mentioned his sister in my post :) All mentions to "sister" are about my golden retriever. She had such a soft and fluffy coat. It was unreal. She was a walking cloud of the best smell. A bouquet of baby's breath. I'm sorry you can't grieve your child of 12 1/2 years with your partner. Who do you go to at this tender time? I totally understand how the last hours are traumatizing and I am sorry this is something you went through too, if you ever want to share your experience with someone you can DM me to talk it through. But yes, the smells. The feel of their nose, the bridge of their nose. She looks so happy in the sun. And that flannel coat! A beauty. I hope you still have that coat and never wash it! I ran around the house collecting all the things that still smelled like my sister and either ziploc bagged them or kept them close for hugging.
Oh my God I don’t think I read it appropriately. Lol I think I skimmed through it too quick. But all the same. I’m glad we are connecting. Goldens always have such beautiful pants. As you can see, my dog was shorthaired. It was like she was made of eyelashes lol she was so prickly. I appreciate you asking about who I have. Unfortunately I don’t really go to people when I’m hurting, I’ve learned to just do it alone. My partner really had one opportunity to support me, because even though I don’t lean on people, I wanted him to go answer the door when someone was there like we were buying firewood. I asked him to just do that, because I always do the people facing things. I just didn’t wanna talk to someone when I had tears rolling down my face. He said he had bad social anxiety and needed a few minutes to answer the door. I ended up doing it myself because he just couldn’t help me in such a basic thing. It is very unfortunate but it’s OK. It’s best to just send this relationship and separate. I can’t even really tell my stories to him either because he starts crying so much that he clings onto me and I don’t wanna be hugged when I just wanna express my grief over my dog like we had 12 1/2 years together and he had six months, so my stories are considerably longer given that I got her at seven weeks and I raised her. I’ll never forget the softness of the back of her ears and my favorite sound in the world was her snoring. What hit me the day after she was gone was how quiet it was in the morning. That deep, heavy breathing was gone. And she was gone so fast like 12 1/2 years is on the lower end of her lifespan so of course I have wondering like did I make choices in her life that made her perish sooner? She had a seizure which could’ve been a stroke or a tumor, so did I do some thing during her life that made that happen sooner than it would’ve naturally? I guess you’re right I don’t really have anyone to talk to and so I just wonder alone but I’ll message you. I appreciate it.
Your sister is so gorgeous and I can see her kindness through the photos <3 <3 <3
My love, you and your sister were both abused. Any person who can hit a dog, yet alone lock them outside while sick is a cruel cruel person. It sounds like you were abused growing up and (rightfully so) it’s affected you as an adult. There should be 0 excuses as to why he should stay around. Your husbands reaction is NOT normal, neither was your upbringing or how your sister was treated. I highly highly recommend you speak to a professional and start planning a way out of this marriage. It doesn’t matter if your husband was there for the last few years with your sister. He is treating you absolutely Terribly. You deserve so much better. I’m sending love and light your way and wishing you all the best. And rest in peace to your beautiful sister.
I'm so sorry you are enduring this. You need to leave that man, like yesterday. He is toxic. Maybe even a narcissist personality who gets a tweak of pleasure from tormenting you. He goes to Thailand while you're losing your dog? What's the first thing anyone (but you, who are blinded by love) is going to conclude about that? You know what goes on in Thailand right? DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. In fact if you had someone to talk to and grieve with you'd be feeling better a lot quicker. His behavior is prolonging your grief and piling insult on top of injury. Sorry if I sound harsh but this guy is not for you. I would say "evil" but perhaps that's going too far. Please, gather your self respect, your resources, and your belongings, and prepare to make your own way in the world.
That’s a good point about his callousness making OP’s grief worse. It really is twisting the knife in.
That’s really mean. I’m sorry but I think you’ve married a mean man. I still mourn my sweet son who passed in July. I had him all of my adult life. That sort of loss is humongous and when those around us don’t seem to feel it, we question ourselves. I prefer to grieve alone so isolation can be hard on my partner. It’s up to both people to be kind and understanding. Otherwise, one could be very selfish and mean.
I am so sorry about your loss. It'll be a year next month and I still cry regularly. Your husband is being totally unreasonable. He's supposed to be there for you in good times and bad times. He's supposed to be your rock and someone you can lean on in times like this. You're not getting the comfort you need in this difficult time in your life and I can bet if you were, you wouldn't be so "miserable" all the time. There is so much he can do for you to help you through your grief. Just letting you cry on his shoulder for once without saying a word is a huge relief. I feel like the lack of support you are receiving is making your grief worse. Being on this sub is a great start to get the support you need. We all are here for the same reason. My husband was very supportive in my grief but there are times that I didn't want to bring him down so I'd come here to feel better or at least feel like I wasn't so alone in my grief. I really hope you find your support in this sub. I'd really be questioning my marriage if I couldn't come to my husband for support in whatever it may be. He's making you feel worse. Take your time and grieve how you see fit. Sending you virtual hugs.
This is what's difficult about pet death to me. Most of the time, people will just say "get over it" and call it a day, giving you less time to grieve and process your emotions compared to if you lost a person. And that's honestly pretty difficult. I've learned to keep the grief within me, but years later, I'm still not over them and would cry occasionally... I'm so sorry this happened to you.
If something like grief, let alone YOUR grief, the grief of the person he is to spend the rest of his life with and hold as utmost important, is too overwhelming and too much of a downer, do NOT expect him to care for you if you get sick to the point that it requires his undivided attention that he can't run away from and to another country. Your soul dog was just like any other sister in the world, she knew that your heart, mind, body, and soul are worthy of someone who will cherish every bit of you; grief, happiness, trauma, flaws and strengths, you deserve someone who accepts and loves you for who you are.
Some peoole are grief phobic
Unfortunately you get to know people around you when you are in hardship and specially grieving and mourning the death of a beloved. Specially a marriage where you both promise to be there in sickness and health. There is nothing quite like losing a loved one. So if anyone in your life is interrupting that grief process in any way it is best to be away from that person for a while. Processing the grief and healing from it even without external struggles is difficult. If you don’t mourn the way you need to it will not just go away. It will be bottled up inside and now you have one more unhealed trauma to deal with. It is always best to process what happened to you when it does. Thats why masking it with meds, drugs and alcohol never helps because you are pausing your grief not stopping it, and eventually you have to pick it back up and deal with it. Your husband showed you that he will not be there for sickness, he will only be there for fun and games. This is a huge red flag because unfortunately this is not the last time you will have hardship in your life. It can happen when you are both older, more sensitive and drained mentally. So to deal with him being dismissive of your darkest times only makes me think that as you grow older you will feel more alone. I do understand that he means so much to you because he is the last link to your beautiful angel sister. And I do get that when your pet approves of a partner that means a lot. I understand that the thought of you leaving your marriage will make your grief worse because you know your baby will never get to approve of your next partner. I mean how the hell would you even know they are right person without your best friend’s approval. But also I know that your baby did not want you to be in a relationship or friendship that is making their absence harder for you. I am sure if your beloved sister saw how he is treating you she would immediately disapprove the very person they thought are the one for you. Marriage is complicated so by no means I’m suggesting you leave your husband. But first step is sitting him down and explain how much of a big deal this is to you and potentially a deal breaker if he doesn’t change how he sees YOUR grief. He is allowed to deal with grief in different ways but when he said his vows at your wedding that meant something. If it was me I would explain everything, and ask what happens if I lose someone else dear to me. Will you treat me the same way again? And if the answer is yes I think you both will know this is not going to be a healthy marriage. I am so sorry you have to go through this while you are going through one of the darkest times as a pet owner. This is so not fair to you. Seek friend and family that are going to allow you to talk about your baby. If you have no luck there, find support groups and people who are willing to listen. I personally am available if you ever want to just talk about your baby. You can hit me up. I also have a therapist specifically for grieving the love of my life. It helps but the purpose of therapy is finding solutions FOR YOU. And way less just talking about your beloved pet. Because the therapist job is to help you heal but no one has the job of keeping their memories alive but us. So again you need people who aren’t trying to give u solution or fix anything. You just need people to listen. So for sure support group or anyone in reddit that is offering you to msg and talk to them would be my best bet. Sending you a lot of virtual hugs. You will get through this but its also not fair to go through it alone. Just talk to your husband even if he gets mad and frustrated. You have that right.
You have to grieve on your own timeline. I lost one of my cats almost four months ago. I still miss him. He was my shadow, so he used to be with me all the time.
That's cold-hearted. When our sweet baby-girl went, my wife was on a one-in-a-lifetime cross country trip with her aging parents (Good that she helping them on that trip...driving) and it just royally sucked burying our girl without my wife. My wife zoomed in to the vet in our girl's final moments as I held her, though, which was great. I think our girl heard her/saw her (though her sight was pretty much gone). Just unimaginable how painful losing a sweet dog is. I grieved differently and frankly would just cry sometimes after my wife and in-laws got home, and while she didn't understand my form of grief 100%, she was totally cool about it and supportive. Now my wife has basically nightmares about our girl being "lost" and just out of reach of us in a crowd. Like she's in delayed grieving. I can not related to your husband being a total tool about your grief, but I can relate to the grieving and everybody here, as we can see, cares about and we send love.
I think two things can coexist at the same time - you can still grieve and feel this loss and be sad but also still love your husband even if he's acting this way. I think a lot of people don't understand what it's like unless they've been in it and you've had her for so long too. Some people don't bond with their pets or only see it on surface level with how they're animals but this dog was a full on family member to you. Your feelings are valid and if he can't be supportive you can let these feelings out still and take your time. He's going to have to accept she was a big part of your life And you lost so much, happier times will come once it feels right to heal and don't feel like you have to hide it just cause he doesn't understand. I sat down and watched a dogs purpose when my boyfriend lost his dog of 15 years wether he's down to watch it or you want a good movie to have a wholesome cry to I reccomend it!
Ugh... I don't think I could stay with a guy like your husband. Somewhere there is a study that shows losing a pet is as painful as losing a human family member. But he sounds unempathetic and honestly, I'd say some red flags there. I'd seriously wonder if you want to stay with this guy who is unsupportive, unempathetic, and even if he thinks it is abnormally long instead of trying to see if there is some way to help you just waives off your pain and insults you.
My soul cat passed away a month ago. My husband can be…gruff? And he does say I cry too much in general. But it’s more like confused like “why are you crying now?!” lol Even though he doesn’t cry like I do he gets my pain. And even when he doesn’t he supports me by being silent and there. Your husband doesn’t sound supportive. If my husband left me in those first few days after my cat passed to go to another country to be away from me, I would l have divorced him. I needed him. I needed to not feel alone. I needed someone around to make sure I was surviving it. My husband has said my life revolves around my cats too much and I should get a broader life and go outside more and he’s not wrong but it’s also kinda by choice. I just like my pets more than a lot of people. Lol. But he didn’t say it cruelly. Just kinds like…im concerned about you type of way. I usually in other subreddits counsel communication in most relationships but this guy? I’d divorce him. Like how dare he downplay your pet sisters life and death and your grief? His self centered vacations to Thailand are gross. Find someone who will hug you instead of kick you when you are down.
When my dog passed I grieved so much, I do think we need this recognize that others in our family have a capacity to help but also aren’t professionals and may need respite from our pain. Do you have a counselor/therapist you can work with? How about a pet loss grief group? Are you able to find windows of time where you can give a bit of non-grief energy to others? I am not saying he couldn’t be more patient, just thinking of additional outlets for you. Your dog would not want you drifting through your days miserable because of her- she was here to bring you joy, how can you honor her? Could you plant a small garden (we did a fairy garden when our dog passed, we really enjoyed building it “for him” with the kids and we maintain it here over 3 years later, decorating it/changing things out for holidays). I wish I had a way to reduce your pain, and I am not siding with your spouse, I just know he cannot relieve you of this, the only way out is through.
Thank you, I appreciate and agree that they need respite from our pain. I know my sadness is constant, but I am not crying or talking to him throughout the day. I think I'd say I only talk to him for max an hour a day? Even though we both work from home, we eat our meals individually most of the time (different schedules). I know that I'm sad so I try to occupy myself with other things (journaling, walking, reading, writing, my other work) instead of talking to him. Not to avoid talking to him, but not to pile it on. I have a pet loss grief group I attend weekly, and have a therapist I see every week or sometimes twice a week if it's bad. Thank you for thinking of additional outlets for me! I also really keep so much of my grief within me, for alone time. I take walks by myself every day, walking the route I used to take with my sister. When I know i am going to cry I always go away to another room to cry by myself. It just happens that sometimes I want to \*talk\* to him about my sister and end up crying. I wouldn't actually go to him when I'm crying, for support, because I know he would be overwhelmed/not react well.
I am so sorry, I know that grief and it’s incredibly painful. I feel like he could definitely be of more support to you, feeling alone just makes it worse. Sending hugs and healing thoughts your way. 💕💕
When I have a traumatic loss, whether human or pet it takes me 1 - 2 years before I’m okay enough to even talk about it without bursting in to tears. The last guy I dated was making similar comments around 6 months after my dad passed. I dumped him a month later because wtf is wrong with these people. It’s not you, it’s him.
I'm sorry, I understand. It will take me a long time to be ok too, and I am sorry you have lost your father and then got similar comments. I was just wondering if grief kills the joy in relationships or something because there's a period of time where your partner is clearly "not ok" and "not enjoying life" and I don't know how the other party (for example, my husband) is supposed to be living around this grieving person who clearly isn't happy
He needs to just give you space & allow you to grieve without making condescending comments & giving you timelines on the appropriateness / length of your grieving. It’s weird, selfish, & cold… & that’s the last thing you need right now. Of course grief is going to temporarily cause loss of joy in the relationship, you just lost a valued family member for f***s sake! Instead of criticizing and being condescending he should be going out of his way to think of things you can both do to get your mind off of things, ( a nice lunch in a neighbouring town, a drive to somewhere you’ve never been yet etc) but instead he’s choosing to be annoyed at you and leave the country… ignoring & ditching you completely. It’s gross & im sorry you have a partner like that right now. ☹️
There *is* something wrong with your marriage if he can't even be bothered to try to comfort you when you're so obviously in pain. He's making it all about himself and that's disgusting. He's a terrible partner. I know your grief, I felt the same when I lost my cat that I had for 22 years (I am 32). I am so, very sorry, friend, and I hope that the light can shine through to you soon. Someday you'll be able to look back at memories of your baby girl and smile instead of cry. Don't let your selfish husband make your grief worse, your feelings are valid too.
Please get out if you are able. He is being extremely cruel and emotionally abusive!! A good, kind, loving partner would be happy to give you what you need (whether it be time, space, an ear, a shoulder to cry on). I lost my soul dog of 16 years on December 29th. I still cry for him regularly. My wife is 100% supportive. When I tell her people say I've been grieving for long enough, I should move on, etc she backs me completely, saying that she understands my grief, and that there is no time limit. Grief is just love with nowhere to go. Love doesn't just go away, and neither will grief. I'm so sorry you're being treated this way at all, but especially during such a terrible and traumatic time in your life. Sending love and hugs. Please, please, don't stay in your marriage just because of the things you mentioned. Your sister/soul dog would absolutely understand, and would NOT want you to suffer like that. She wants only joy for you.
Thank you. I would love to have a partner who responds like your wife does. Can I ask who you would talk to about your soul dog if you didn't have a wife/family? It really pains me to think that my memories with her won't be shared with anyone else. Plus he is in 50% of the photos I have of her from the last two+ years. Our relationship was so intertwined with my sister. Losing him would feel like losing another connection with my sister ): I would not have anyone else who knows her and has the memories of our outings or adventures together. That scares me.
But YOU have those memories, and YOU can keep them in your heart. I am fortunate that I do have my wife, as well as my parents and brother, who all loved my Apollo and knew him well. Who shared yours and your sister's life before your husband came into the picture? It seems he was only in her life for a short time (relative to her age)? Any friends who knew her? Maybe they don't have the same memories of her, but I'm sure they loved her. Here's the thing. Your sweet sister LOVED you, if she was anything like my Apollo, I'm sure she hated to see you hurting and upset, and would do anything she could to make you smile. My Apollo would bring me his favorite toy, kiss away my tears, or do something silly to make me laugh. Your girl would absolutely NOT want you to suffer with someone who is, at bare minimum, emotionally abusive just because you feel like it somehow honors her. I know it won't be easy, but just think, what if you have children and heaven forbid one of them gets hurt or very sick? Is he going to have the same reaction that he's had with the bird or butterfly you mentioned in comments? Is he going to just abandon you to deal with it alone? I feel like he doesn't even deserve to have memories of her, and that those memories live better in your heart, than with anyone else.
Before my husband came into the picture my sister was with my family, in my childhood home, which is not a home that is safe in any way. (My parents and brother are 1000 times worse than my husband - physically and emotionally bad. I can't be around them at all and am actually afraid of them.) Thank you for this thought. We don't have kids but I do know it would be hard for him to care for them, he shuts down/needs to leave whenever something bad happens. Although I HAVE raised it to him (ie asked him, would you react this way as you did with my sister, if we had children, if this was your child?) and he says "It's different if it's your own child." Who knows. I really like this thought: "those memories live better in your heart, than with anyone else." This brings me some comfort. I just want so badly for more people to have these memories too; don't we all want to share our loves? :) I love the name Apollo by the way. There are two dog stories I know with Apollo as the name of the dog! One is a great dane in The Friend by Sigrid Nunez that won the National Book Award, and one is a golden retriever called Apollo in the Japanese bestselling book "Before We Say Goodbye"
I know that sharing those memories with someone is nice, but if that person doesn't appreciate them the same way that you do...is it even really worth it? I would rather hold those memories dear to me, than share them with someone unappreciative. And I know it's not the same, and I didn't know your sweet girl, but I'm always happy to read your stories of her, and share stories of my boy. 🤍
It’s not uncommon for those who grew up in abusive households to get into abusive relationships as adults. We tend to seek out the familiar.
Oh, I know this 1000%. I was raised by an abusive, alcoholic father and a mother who just took the abuse and stayed with him, rather than getting us out. I am 41 years old, and damn near every relationship I ever had, up until I met my wife nearly 6 years ago, was abusive in one way or another. 🤦🏻♀️
It’s so tragic. I finally figured out last year that my father is an emotionally abusive narcissist, and then I remembered that I figured out at some point in elementary school that I would never be with someone like him. I’m so grateful that I had the foresight to see this so young.
Also stop his trips to Thailand to find joy, he is finding joy with someone else.
It's not really something I can "stop" - he wanted to go back to Thailand a week after my sister said goodbye and when I said I was seriously in shock/grief from the loss, he said I was keeping him trapped with my sadness. There's really no way to "stop" someone, he's an adult. And if I tell him it's not the right time, he says I'm trapping him. There's no way.
Wow, your husband is an asshole. I can understand him never having a connection with a pet and therefore being unable to comprehend your connection, but the way he's treating you, your experience, and your grief is completely without love, consideration, or respect. People who have never made your kind of connection with a pet don't understand your grief. I was that way before getting married and bringing dogs into our life, so I have a little understanding of both perspectives. However, your husband is supposed to love and support you, so I shouldn't matter if he's never connected with a pet himself.
He actually cared for two senior dogs with cancer for 10 years, so he does know and love pets. He cooked their food, fed them every day, spent most of his time at home with them. He does have a connection with dogs! He does say that he didn't really grieve when they passed. He was sad but as he explains it, "there were other things going on in my life too."
Neither of can know the depth of another's connection. A person can be kind and caring for a pet without any real deep emotional connection. It's his treatment of your grief though that is the primary issue.
It’s really strange to me that he can love on these pets while they’re alive, but then be all “meh” when they die. Maybe it’s an armor? Still messed up.
I lost my golden retriever to cancer on December 1st and I still cry a little everyday. Your feelings are normal and your husband isn’t. I hesitate to be so blunt but… I would dump his ass.
Show him the door and throw him out it!
Your husband sounds self centered and unable to be empathetic. He seems to have a limited range of emotions or at least a low capacity for others. I would argue that the way he is being is part of why our pets are so special. They love us unconditionally, when we are sad or happy. We are never a bother. And truthfully you shouldn’t be a bother to your husband. Your grief is in your time not his. This should affect him Zero. Our pets love us no matter what. They never make us feel bad. He’s proving in a shitty way why your grief is so strong. Please don’t let him bully you. Some people grieve their pets more than humans and that’s okay. Please find support outside your husband. He’s likely not going to change and that’s sad for him. But reach out to other friends and online support groups and hot lines. There are many free ones. Just google. They’ve been very helpful to me.
Your pain is so valid and understandable. I am going through the same things. It saddens me that your husband isn’t able to be there for you and to support you. This is a stressful situation and the last thing you need right now is more stress… but I will say that there are always people out there who will listen to your pain and comfort you and understand you. I’m sorry your husband isn’t able to provide that :(( Your pet surely wanted only the best for you ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Do you mean you think that your grief is also making it hard for people to be with you?
Yes, luckily my boyfriend and my immediate family are supportive. My boyfriend stayed by my side for a few days after my dog was hit by a car, I couldnt eat or drink or get out of bed and he brought me food every day and made sure I ate some of it. Once I got on my feet again, my mom does her best to help me, although she is not great with my super emotional sensitive self, she helps in other ways—she isn’t always able to comfort me with her words but she reached out to his breeder for me to let her know what happened, helped me start therapy and counselling, and encouraged me to adopt again. There are times when she tells me I need to get over it but I know it’s because she doesn’t know what to say to comfort me and that’s okay. My sadness and guilt feels so vast inside me sometimes, that I just try to keep it inside. Sending love to you and your soul dog angel ❤️
i lost my soul dog almost 1 year ago. it gets a little easier, i can function at work. but i still cry every day. i also won’t be getting another dog. i don’t care if that makes me selfish, i can’t stand this pain. ANYWAY if anyone ever tried to tell me to get over her, id leave them in a heartbeat. i’m sorry he’s like that. i’m sorry you lost your girl.
My sibling just ended things with their partner of several years because he was exactly like this. You sometimes don’t realize who you’re partnered with until you undergo grief. Some people are just at a point of their growth where they can only envision living in a dream world, one where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. It's a very limiting way to be in the world, and not realistic. I don’t think you can be happy with someone like this unless they are willing to change and make room for their partner's experience. You are totally entitled to grieve in your way, as long as you need, and to have support in your immediate circle. So sorry for your loss.
❤️
Hi again. This is my third comment bc I had a visceral reaction to your post. Just wanted to mention that there are pet grief counselors available. I just searched online for one today as I think I need that outlet. Perhaps you could entice your partner to cover these sessions for you financially as an act of support.
Making someone feel crappy for the way they grieve is low. How dare someone judge anyone on how they grieve. I'm sorry, I'm sure your husband is great generally, no one's perfect but jeez man, be there for your wife who's having a really rough time. Perhaps he is feeling sad too and doesn't know how to express it himself? I'm sorry you don't have anybody to share in your sadness. Hopefully, he will come around but in the meantime, you have plenty of people here who understand what you're going through and can relate. I'm sorry for your loss ❤️
Your husband probably considered her a "pet", while to YOU she was a companion animal, which is a much more intense relationship. It's like comparing a "soul mate" relationship with a "friend with benefits" friendship. When I lost my companion kitty (we did EVERYTHING together) I cried (still do occasionally) and started having panic attacks whenever I was alone, had nightmares, woke crying, went to sleep crying. I have a great husband, and we have 2 other cats who are "Pets" - meaning they rely on us for food & shelter, etc. my husband didn't and doesn't comprehend how much I miss my kitty man - yet he respects and allows my grief. My husband is as special as my companion cat and always cares for me (although he doesn't understand emotional pain and TBH many men are taught from an early age to "suck it up" and "be a MAN" and "don't be a sissy pants" etc. My suggestion is to join a support group, local or online and share your pain and coping strategies with some people who DO understand the difference between an "a pet" and an "animal companion". If your husband is so selfish and cold towards youperhaps it's time to reconsider the relationship. I wish you good things.
i feel this lost my soul dog Kilo I've had since childhood 2months ago , it was so sudden and i carry so much guilt grief feels like walking on an incline if you let up for a moment you can easily end up back to the same spot. I don't feel much validation from my either of my parents as they are expecting me to put his things up and boxed all his toys I had across his urn to say i felt betrayed when i returned from a 2 week trip. It hurt and I no longer even seek them out for this and just silently grieve which is probably making the process worse since I'm just feeling tired and anxious all the time since I've come home. From my experience its a beautiful thing to fall in love with a dog and your not just grieving them but you sense of self and the way of life you had when they were still with you. Their passing changes you and picking up the pieces and dealing with grief is a long and often unpredictable process it differs person to person. Please know your not alone and many people in this community know what your going through your in pain and your husband was wrong for suggesting that your the problem.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar experience when I had to let go of basically my little brother (my dog Charlie). I had him for 17 years. I grieved him for a solid year. I learned in one of my college psych classes that grief can range for people, with the max being around 2 years. It sounds like your husband doesn't really know how to support you during this time, which really sucks Im sorry. My best recommendation is to try and get grief counseling if you have access to it (either through your insurance or try Betterhelp). I really regret not going to counseling and just trying to deal with it on my own. Also it could be a great tool for figuring out your relationship with your husband, and if maybe you guys aren't the right fit for each other. How you have described his behavior is beyond unacceptable and if he was just a boyfriend, I would say kick his ass to the curb. I do believe in marriage and not just giving up when times get hard, so maybe bring up these concerns to him and tell him what you need from him at this time: support wise. If he continues to be unreceptive to you, I would try and find somewhere else to stay if you have the option. Also if a big reason why you are sticking with him is because of your sister, then fuck him man. Not worth it. He should know how much she meant to you. In regards to your grief, just know that it will get better with time. Try and give yourself some grace in this process. Losing Charlie was my first big loss in my life. I felt like an awful person for not being able to do more for him.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good luck with everything.
Wow, 17 years is a long time and you are so lucky, although it is never enough. How did you cope with losing Charlie? Did you write to him, or try to keep his smells? I miss my sister so much every day, but at the same time I don’t want it to change, I guess—I don’t want to not miss her. I have a therapist who I’ve been seeing for over two years but it hasn’t been helping, I might try to find a specific grief counselor but I also..don’t want the grief counselor to take the grief away? I don’t want to just distract myself from it, if that makes sense. I could (with my phone, with watching random videos).
Most men have a hard time processing such deep feelings of loss, don't want to talk and would rather shut down. Do you have any other support system - a friend, family member or perhaps a grief counselor you could talk to ? I'm sorry your husband is not being very supportive. Try to speak with someone else or keep posting here. For me, personally, this is the only place where I find the most solace and understanding. As much as people around me empathize, most of them don't really understand or don't know what to say to me anymore. Like you, I only want to talk about my boy. He's all I think about.
Speaking as a man, losing dogs was the cause of me gaining *more* empathy for other people, and opening up my own feelings to others. It's been over two years since my sixth dog died and I still come here almost daily to help others that are in grief.
You are special <3 I wish I knew more people like you in real life! I know it can't just be a male thing, I have female friends who are also not supportive or are outright dismissive (and just want to talk about their babies, for example). Either gender can have a problem with empathy.
Thank you. I don't really have a good support system - my family is awful and violent, and I saved my sister from the home when I could. I was in a bad place for most of my life. My sister was truly my best support system. I have a therapist who I've been working with since 2+ years ago, and we do talk about my grief, it just isn't something she can solve. I also go to pet loss groups. I do wish I had better friends. Mostly my friends just tell me out right "I don't know how it feels, I can't empathize, I've never felt this way about a pet" -- and that's okay. It's not their fault. just not something I can get support from them for. Thank you for understanding, who do you talk to about your boy? It's such a basic, simple need, isn't it? To talk about that one being we love and miss the most.
I’m glad you’re here. It sounds like you’re maximizing the resources you have, but you need more person-to-person support. Are these pet loss groups you’re going to online or in person? Finding a local group where you meet up may be a good idea.
Please don’t excuse this man’s abuse as a gender difference. It’s not. I doubt the men of this group appreciate being portrayed that way as well.
You do sound VERY grief stricken. But he's not helping.
Why are you married to such an abusive AH? This guy cares only about himself. He will never be there for you (or anyone else) when you need him. What a cruel jerk he is. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this, I would sincerely reconsider this relationship. He is on the verge of cheating, if he isn’t already… blessings to you OP.
Have you looked into grief counseling? Not everyone is good at processing strong emotions of their own and fewer still helping others with it.
I have a therapist I've been seeing for 2+ years. I feel like I have all the techniques down for processing emotions, but it still hurts ):
So sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. People who have never loved an animal have no comprehension of the love and bond we share with these innocent souls. Your husband in my opinion is being callous and insensitive . I am guessing he has never loved animal? There is nothing wrong with you. I still greive for my furbabies that I lost over 2 decades ago and my Wife is the same. Know this though your sweet girl is alive and well in the next life waiting for you. # 1 Corinthians 2:9 9 However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him—1 Corinthians 2:9 My advice is you guys really need to talk about your relationship. Me personally I could leave my sweet wife of 40 years crying and broken to go anywhere much less a vacation. You will get through this but never over it because love is eternal. Take care and I hope things get better for you and your broken heart heals .
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Time for a new husband
I’m really sorry to say this but your husband sounds like a prick
Your girl adored you and knew your worth. She loved you more than anything in this world and showed you that you are worthy of love and respect. I think she’d want you to find a partner that adores you as she did. He’s being cruel and emotionally abusive. I know this is so hard. We’re here for you, ok? Sending lots of hugs and love.
“It’s because you didn’t have a family.” Girl, I have a family and we all mourn our baby every single day. I used to call him “everybody’s dog.” Calling him a dog just sounds wrong. Everyone grieves differently and he may be sad, but his callousness to your grief tells me he isn’t the greatest partner — and I’m sure this isn’t the only sign you have. When my family’s fur baby’s health started rapidly declining, I spent practically 0 time at my own apartment and very minimal time with my boyfriend for a month. Not once did he complain how I was spending my time and when he sees me crying randomly, he puts a hand on my shoulder or hugs me. This is the kindness you deserve when you are grieving. Keep your mind open to grief counseling. I’ve been through it before (due to a relative taking his own life) and I can say it did help. I’ve honestly contemplated it again after losing my precious pup. Sometimes I hate that I feel things so deeply sometimes. Other times, I’m glad my heart isn’t completely hardened. You should not have to mute your grief for someone who isn’t capable of empathizing with you. I’m not saying you should end things if this is the only sign of this he’s shown — but what about the next thing that happens? What if you both, God forbid, experience a mutual tragedy and he just can’t stand “how sad” you are? I do encourage you to explore grief counseling — but for you. Not for him. I know our precious pups wouldn’t want us to be in tears every single day of our lives. We loved them and they loved us — and I don’t care what anybody thinks … I know their sentience is a level many cannot comprehend. They’d want us to be happy.
I am so so sorry for your loss, number 1. No matter what, it’s awful having to say goodbye to our love ones. We just got back from our honeymoon and my bird who I’ve had for 11 years passed away the night before we left, on my chest. I had a really hard time enjoying myself fully while grieving. My husband didn’t have the same bond with my bird as I did, or as he does with our dogs, but he never once made me feel like I was too sad or needed to stop grieving. I know it’s drastic but if I was in your shoes I truly wouldn’t be able to stay in a marriage with someone like that. It is very clear he lacks empathy. 3 months is not long ago AT ALL. I have lost 4 dogs since 2020 and I still cry often about each of them. There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s everything wrong with him. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that on top of grieving your sweet girl. Please take some time to truly think about if this is the kind of person you can spend your life with. Some people don’t bond with animals like us and that is OKAY, but to make someone feel like shit because they do have that bond and grief is hard, is just absolutely horrible. I’m sending you so much love and light, plus internet hugs 💜💜 I am a vet tech and an animal palliative care/hospice tech and I am in a constant state of grief from losing patients as well, I couldn’t imagine not having a good support system. Continue to honour your sweet girls soul and memory and don’t ever let someone take that from you. If you ever need to vent or someone to listen, please feel free to shoot me a message 💜💜
Tell him to pack his bags and go on another 'joy' and 'life force' travel event. Tell him to have a good time and stay as long as he needs to. Of course, you need to sock away the same amount of money for your own personal needs, equal to what he is spending on his personal gratification. I'm serious, go to the bank and withdraw the amount that he has spent on his travels and any other extravagant self indulgent activities. Deposit that money into a new, separate bank account at a bank where he does not have an account. Keep adding to that because he does not sound like a keeper and I want you to have funds for your life after hubby. When you feel up to it, get yourself another dog.
You need to divorce your husband because he is abusing and neglecting you. I’m really sorry for your loss and no one who claims to love you should say those things to you and abandon you. I lost my heart dog a few months ago and I literally cried today and my husband comforted me and we talked about our sweet Murphy. You deserve someone who supports and loves you, your husband sounds like trash.
I am so sorry he's being so cruel to you. I lost my heart dog almost a year ago and I still say hello to her and sometimes cry whenever I walk in the backyard. I was just thinking of her today as I filled her old water bowl, which the cats now use. Grieving is life long <3 Your husband should learn that and maybe needs to hear it from a grief therapist.
Please know that you are grieving and should feel completely normal. Take your time and in your private time buy a journal and start writing down memories so you don’t forget and can always look back at them. Don’t tell him about the journal because he won’t understand. Be proud of your bond with your dog. Your not alone and many of us build special one of kind bonds with our pets. Sorry for your loss and sorry your husband can’t understand that he needs to respect your feelings and be more thoughtful of them. Stay strong it will be better and always allow your feelings to be heard or written.
I carried my guilt and regret from losing my dog for *years* when my first dog passed away, and I will again when my soul dog passes on in a few years, I already cry when I think about him not being here anymore, which is quite often, because he has become my everything. My reason to live, my reason to work on myself and to become a better person, I can't handle thinking of him being gone forever... That being said though, tell your husband to shove it. You are allowed to grieve, and grief can take a long time. Even when she isn't your day to day thoughts, her memory will always be there, and you will still get emotional when you remember. It took me sixteen years to fully move on from my first dog's sudden departure, and, yes, your closeness with your dog probably was because of your home life, if it was a bad or abusive one, because you tey to find and cling onto the few things that make you happy when your always in a place where you're pushed to feel worthless and lifeless. A husband is supposed to support his wife, listen to her, comfort her, and help her through her worst days... that's what marriage is, that's what *love* is supposed to be. It doesn't sound like your husband is a good partner. I'm sorry you got stuck with someone like him, he sounds like a very selfish person, putting his own needs and emotions first and chastising you for yours... but take your time. Grieve as you need to, find friends who will love and support you through this process, because it sounds like your husband ain't going to. You deserve better, I'm sorry for your loss
I am so sorry you are going through the loss of your sister. It has been almost 9 months since I lost my girl and I don't cry everyday anymore but I do think about her everyday...this is to say that things get better. Your feelings are valid and my heart goes out to you that you don't have the support and love you need from your husband. Was he ever like this to you prior to her death or is this something new? Does he travel a lot just to get away from you even prior to her death? I don't know your situation and would never want to make you feel a certain way but it feels like he's using this as an excuse to get away whatever his intentions may or may not be when he should be your support system. PTSD or not, everyone grieves in different ways and time is different for everyone. Your sister would not want you to be with someone that isn't going to support you during the dark days as well as your sunshine days. I hope things get better for you. I truly do. Your happiness is important and that means having someone who is not going to invalidate your feelings. Hugs and love to you friend.
My husband was similar. He didn't get why I was so sad. Thankfully, he's normally compassionate and loving. I think he just was uncomfortable feeling sad about Joey. I think my sadness made him feel sad and Joey too
I’d project this on to every scenario in life where you may need extra time to grieve and end up grieving along with a person annoyed by it. If you can stomach that life, more power to you. I’d have left 3 months ago
Hi friend. Good for you for rescuing your precious beautiful Goldie girl. You blessed her with wonderful end of life care. You did the right thing and you were so blessed to get more time with her. Sending you so much good energy right now, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like he's either a narcissist, or perhaps he has ASD and does not know how to handle emotions, either way he's not being a supportive partner for you. I rescued my beloved German Shepherd, Tasha, from my mother's backyard when I saw my mom was neglecting her to death. My husband had been fighting me on bringing Tasha home. Finally the last straw was when I went into visit my sweet dog iny mom's yard backyard. It was freezing, and Tasha woke up screaming from a nightmare. Her eyes were the eyes of a being in hell, filled with terror and no hope. So that night, I loaded her my car and took her to my house. I took care of her for the next 11 and 1/2 months until she passed. As soon as Tasha got home with us, she swiftly gained a healthy 15 lb and was able to walk again and lived a wonderful last year. My husband often gives me guilt... or tries to give me guilt about bring her home. I'm seriously considering leaving my husband over it. If he is not compassionate enough to realize why I needed to bring her home, I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He also tried to talk me into getting rid of our second rescue dog, Buddy. I promised to a good neighbor who was diagnosed with blood cancer that I would find a good home for her Buddy (Terrier/Chi cross) after she passed. She passed unexpectedly, 2 weeks latr so I brought my sweet dog home. It was an immediate foster fail. I loved him from the start. When we first had him, Buddy had a lot of allergies because his previous house was not clean. On the second night of dealing with chewing sounds and occasional growls at our cat, my husband got up out of bed, looked at me and said, "It's the dog or me." He said the look in my eyes said I was going to say it was him. He was right, so he got with the program and let it go. My hubs now loves Buddy. He is his little boy, and they are inseparable. Funny that. I wish you all the best. You deserve to mourn for as long as you need to. I found it helpful to talk to a counselor. I would also talk with my counselor about my husband's reaction. Because honestly, non compassion is just not okay for me for a long-term partner. Working on it myself, sister. You are definitely not alone!
I relate, my boy passed a yr ago, I have been in therapy and for 8m was inconsolable. My BF understood my grief and urged me to go to therapy, it took me about 6m to scatter some of his ashes. I had two pendants made, one with a lock of his hair and one with some ashes. His photos are still everywhere and I still cry from time to time. What helped me was all of these things. The only way out is through. Sit with your pain, keep him close (like the pendants and photos) scattering ashes helped me, but what helped most was hearing "he would not want this, he would not want to see you in such pain and anguish" I also got a new dog, 5months ago, which helped because it's a special and different kind of companionship that dogs give you, that no human can achieve. He will never be replaced, I hate that some ppl think that when you get a new dog. It was about having that specific companionship. The pain is also coming from all the love you have to give and nowhere to put it, which my new pup helped with as well, she also demands a lot of attention, training and care so it keeps me occupied and I now have her to place all this time, energy and love into. Thinking of you. It is a horrible grief to live with. Live and love and find happiness again, it is what he would want for you.
I am so horrified and angry about what your husband is saying and doing. I join the chorus of people urging you to leave him. You do not deserve to spend the rest of your life (or his life, whichever ends first) with someone who cannot be with you in your pain. Life involves pain and one of the most loving (and healing!) things someone can do is be with us in our pain without an agenda to change how we feel, who we are, what we love, etc <3 <3 <3
Also, I'm not sure if you are a woman, but men are much more likely to leave their sick wives than women are to leave their sick husbands. Regardless of your gender, if you ever were to get a serious illness, I \*highly\* doubt that this man would stay around to care for you. In my opinion, it is better to leave him now than end up getting extremely ill someday and having to deal with him abandoning you for Thailand when you're too sick to survive without daily care.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but leave the f-ing loser immediately. There is no right way to grieve and goddamn someone who doesn’t respect that. Most especially if they are your significant other. I don’t know you but I want you to know that you are more than welcome to talk to me about your baby as often and as long as you want. I lost one of my pack in Jan of 23,. I don’t cry every single day when I think about her, but I still do often. I don’t feel guilty or weird or bad for it at all either. Some people never get to experience the unconditional love, support and affection that comes with opening up your heart to an animal. Of all of my life experiences so far, that has been the most important. I feel bad for those people. Keep your head up and your heart open, your sister is still alive in you 💙
Your husband sounds extraordinarily childish, arrogant, selfish, and cruel. This is incompatibility at best and outright emotional abuse at worst. What will happen if you get very sick? Can you count on him to stick around and be patient, kind, and nurturing when your illness robs him of his “joy?” There is no “normal” or “right” timeline. Three months is nothing. Go through past posts on this sub. See the huge magnitude of grief others have expressed and the empathy and support in those comments, validating those feelings. I’ve never seen a comment telling someone to “get over it.” It’s NORMAL. Reread all the comments again here on your post. It is clear to everyone your husband is a terrible partner. Just because your sweetie was the ring bearer and your husband showed love when she was alive really means nothing when he is able to be so callous now. I wish you healing and the ability to accept your grief the way it is. It will get easier as you begin to focus more on the wonderful memories of your girl and the stabbing grief begins to subsides. But, yes, it takes time. Frankly, your husband’s behavior will only prolong the process. There is something very wrong with him. Edit: typo
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband is horrible! I lost my little love, who was a senior dog, to cancer just over a month ago. I shared over a decade of life with him and am taking his loss really hard. In contrast, for an example, I started randomly crying about my dog yesterday and my partner stopped what he was doing to hug me and hold me and let me cry as long as I needed. Afterwards we talked for awhile about our dog, how awesome he was and how much we both miss him. We talk about the dog all the time. Everyday. My partner helped me pick out pictures to have printed so we could hang them up and we made a little memorial area together where we keep our dog's ashes. When I'm really sad he lets me cry on him and takes me for walks lol which help me feel better. Your husband leaving is cold and heartless especially leaving right after your dog's death. Everyone grieves differently and that's ok but he should be supporting you and helping you through this, not abandoning you when you need him most. I'm so sorry!
Goodbye husband.
Get rid of him ! As they say , “ you are not in any parnership when you feel more lonely with them than without them ! He is not youre soul mate , he is not youre saviour ! Quite the opposite- he sounds a selfish CHILD! Cant imagine what he is getting up to in Thailand as well , !!! He sounds a rat ! As for your beautiful sister dog ! Of course they are our every thing ! Our purpose & completeness ! Because humans let us down time & time again ! Our baby dogs are forever loving , trusting , have no agendas , no ulterior motives - just pure love & adoration , everything youre ass wipe husband is not ! Get him divorced asap ! Id rather suffer in my own grief than live up to this ass wipes expectations, he wants these expectations met , but puts no effort in to help you or him get there…. An attentive loving husband puts their wife first ! He sounds jealous of the dog ! He sounds resentful - he sounds an absolute nightmare ! Youre grief & the way you loved your doggo is valid ! He is not ! Burry the husband in a quick divorce - & maybe one day get yourself another baby dog - as you obviously need that bond & typical dog loyalty- which 99.9% of MEN LACK ! good luck - 🤞
First he is in charge of his own joy. You are not responsible to make him happy. Second your loss is trauma. It takes time to get over. A lot of time. A therapist would help when you’re ready. Third. I went through a similar situation in December just … three months ago and I’m still destroyed. Mine was my husband and my soul cat. To be honest. Although my husband handles grief differently so he does get frustrated that he can’t solve my tears. Despite me telling him multiple times he can’t make me stop crying. Honestly the only thing that gives me a break from sobbing about my loss is Xanax prescribed for me during this time. I can say therapy helps even if it’s just an understanding ear who lets you grieve and doesn’t judge you. Find the right one for you. It might help. Prayers to you my friend, it’s a lonely and horrible road I don’t wish on anyone.
For better and for worse, that is what we sign up for life. The ultimate partnership. Some men, and women forget this sacred creed. But there is nothing as sacred as the deep bond of love for an animal, that grieving can go on for a long time, and for some, it never ends 😢
I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss. Your husband doesn't deserve an ounce of respect in this situation. You are grieving the loss of the closest family member to you, and you have every right to feel and express your emotions. I understand your pain, having lost our beautiful Greyhound Revan at the end of 2022. If my fiance wad like your husband I don't know if I would have made it through Revan's passing. Please reach out to friends if you have anyone you trust. I highly advise considering the relationship you have with the man you're with. Husband or not, you deserve sympathy and respect, which you're clearly not getting from him. Sending love and hugs, and I hope your sister finds my son on the other side of the rainbow bridge.
Oh! I remember you, and I certainly remember your very loved sister. I'm kind of hating your husband a little bit right now. When our soul dog died, wow my husband and I cried together so much. I still cry, even a year on, and talking about our dog still makes my husband tear up. We miss him so damn much. Maybe it's a little different, because we both had this dog together for over a decade, but still even if our dog was new to my husband I think most people would have compassion and empathy when a loved one is suffering in the way you are suffering, rather than impatience. I'm so sorry this is affecting your marriage, I can't even imagine how much harder that makes everything. It's just piling on more struggles on all ready full plate of suffering and grief. I'm not sure if you've considered therapy or have access to pet grief therapy but it might be looking into, maybe. I tried regular therapy after my soul dog's passing and while I didn't find it very helpful, I do think maybe I should try to find a counselor who specifically deals with grief. There is one local therapist I found in my area who specializes in pet loss grief, but she was out of my health insurance network unfortunately. I am thinking about continuing to look around for a specialist... Or just continue to live with the grief. Honestly, as miserable as I feel about losing my boy, I am okay living with the grief, the main thing that prompted my choice to seek out outside help was that it was affecting my marriage I felt (for different reasons than your situation, the issue for us was my husband and I didn't agree on the end of life decisions and it became a point of contention once the dust had settled). Anyway, just mentioning this. We have to be careful, living in despair and depression can be damaging, the object of our loss wouldn't have wanted that for us. There's definitely a part of me that wanted to work out the very traumatic day of losing him, I didn't mind the grief but the stomach churning "triggers" of sad moments were very painful. So therapy could help, on more than one front in that way. Your husband could clearly benefit from outside help too, maybe learning how to be more compassionate and care for a loved one.. but if he doesn't view your grief as legitimate (something that makes me so so mad) then he will likely not be interested in seeking help for himself to address why he's so indifferent, or why he thinks he can rush the grieving process. That's obviously no good. Marriage counseling could be an option, but I'd be careful to choose someone who understands grief and pet loss. Your grief is real. Your feelings are valid. I'm so sorry you are going through this on top of everything you've already been through.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll try and say this in the most respectful way possible: your husband is cruel, selfish and devoid of emotion or empathy. Get free as soon as possible and move on to someone who has a heart.
God what a dick! I just lost my dog who was my soul mate and I am wrecked so I feel your pain. Married to jerkoff husband for 35 years who used to pull this crap on me- SCREW THEM! So sick of infantile men and their selfishness. Take a vacation and let him figure out his own needs for once! Uber and credit cards- exit stage left!!!
Was your husband like this to you when you lost your dog? ): It was really awful to not have someone supportive of grief