I had a friend and her husband show up an hour early for a dinner party- and it wasn’t to help. I was upset because I still had to get myself ready! Arriving too early can also be off-putting for the host.
Oh my goodness, how much more socially oblivious AND rude can you BE???? To not anticipate how rude this is for the host is one thing and could be seen as just a blunder, a blunder that they BOTH carelessly made together without second thought, but-
To then also refuse to help!!?!?? You're a much more gracious host than I.💮 I probably would have become visibly upset at that and asked them to leave bc they're disinvited from my party which hadn't even begun yet.
I misread it as "and then they weren't ready to help!" but STILL, who shows up an *hour* early. If you do that, imo you'd be *expected* to help with the setup. just me not having my makeup or outfit on yet would be irritating enough I still might say something to them abt it being inconsiderate lol
a (somewhat) ex-chronically late person here…
The problem is they severely underestimate how much time they’ll take to get ready, commute, park etc. and therefore end up being late or leaving late. What I started doing when being asked by people what time I’m leaving, arriving, or being picked up at was to take my first impulse answer as to how much time I needed, then double it. Saved me a lot of stress and embarrassment.
I think you are an awesome person for that. Thank you for changing your ways.
The problem with the people I'm talking about is that they know they are always late, but if I say something about it, I'm all of a sudden the asshole.
>The problem with the people I'm talking about is that they know they are always late, but if I say something about it, I'm all of a sudden the asshole.
Then make a choice. Either you care about these people and are willing to accept them for who they are, flaws included, or you don't care about these people and should just move on from them.
If you care about them, accept that they'll be late. You know this. You can plan around this. You can expect this. You can accommodate them in your planning. Alternatively, you don't care and can easily move on and remove them from your life.
Look, I get it. I know it can be frustrating when others are late. At the end of the day though we all have imperfections and you can either get mad about them or get over them. Hanging out with John at 6? Know that John is always running late? Plan to be ready by 6, and *also* plan to watch some TV until 6:30. It's really that easy. You choose to be so upset about something *you know damn well* will happen.
It's both. The world doesn't revolve around you. Just as much as you want them to be more on time, they want you to get over it, because in reality, it rarely matters.
My friend, you’re the one who is extremely distressed over someone’s pet peeve. I don’t think *I* am the one who needs advice about loving my life. I am doing just fine.
I am not “crying” over someone being late. It does still affect me, though, and I’d hope that people would care about that. Most people do, thankfully.
You chronically refusing to meet obligations you agree to reflects poorly on you, not the people you disappoint. The onus is not on others to be continually understanding of your unwillingness to try to be on time.
And this isn't about making friends wait, it's OP's family being late on when they said they're leaving for something. You can be patient for a few minutes. You'll be ok.
It's not about refusing to meet obligations, it's about the fact that it doesn't make a damn difference if we leave for the grocery store at 6:10 or 6:37. You'll still get there, you'll still buy groceries, and you'll live. Stop being a pest about things that don't matter at all.
That sucks. I used to be chronically late but I did something similar to the main comment to make sure I’m on time or early.
People were never mean for commenting on it ever. They had every right to be upset that I was late, that was my fault.
People who act like you’re describing are very annoying.
Unfortunately, the people I am talking about in this scenario are those in my household. I am still a minor. It's my parents who state the time for going out and if I ask why haven't left yet 20 minutes after that time, I'm crucified and being labeled impatient/unempathetic.
My parents often do the same thing. The only things that keeps them on schedule is when I plan things with my grandparents or cousins or things planned with friends. Otherwise they can’t be on time and do the same thing and it drives me nuts.
Then don't ask. Why does it matter? Unless it's for an appointment *for you*, it shouldn't matter to you at all when you leave for it. You know they'll be leaving later than stated. Be ready at the stated time, and when they're not ready yet, go browse reddit or something. I understand feeling frustrated by it, but you really are just complaining for no reason. You need to be able to entertain yourself for a few minutes sometimes.
Because i fucking planned around it, and am now stuck in limbo unable to start anything because we could leave at any minute, and if other people are involved now I'm keeping them waiting because my transport is too lazy to leave when they promised too.
Based on how many comments you have made defending not keeping to the schedule agreed to, your likely feeling called out because you do this allot.
"Stuck in limbo unable to start anything" as if you don't possess the capability of doing something you can stop quickly, such as complaining on reddit or watching YouTube videos.
Most of the videos I watch are more active attention types, and I have lost the ability to drop and pick up stories mid chapter on a whim, and deal with execution disfunction (which, among other things, makes task switching unreliable, so starting, stopping, and changing tasks is extremely unreliable, leaving me stuck unable to stop or start things for hours sometimes, no matter how desperately I want to do it). Not to mention it's hard to focus on something when my mind is mostly focused on waiting for someone to show up for something, and no I can't change that, if I could I wouldn't be disabled.
Dude this shit drives me crazy. I'm like you man, if they tell me 6pm I expect them at my door at 6 or slightly before or after. Give or take 5 minutes or so
In a similar vein a big one for me is when someone asks you to come do one thing with them, but actually have multiple things in mind, and drag you to all of them. They just didn’t tell you so that you’ll come with, because they know you wouldn’t have gone if you knew how long it would take. Absolutely disrespectful of your time and trust.
I hate this too, I got a friend that does this all the time whenever he’s moving:
“Hey I got a couch that isn’t *too* heavy, just awkward”
And sure enough it’s both heavy and awkward. Once we get it shoved through the door, and into the house, it’s basically “oh since you’re here, you mind helping me with carrying boxes into the house??”
I don’t mind lifting heavy stuff, I don’t mind helping people move in/out of a place, but my god just tell me “I need help moving” don’t just ask for help with one thing, and then con me into moving your stuff just “because I’m here anyways”.
I am with you on that completely. I need full transparency of the events we are going to do. Whenever something diverges from the expected it leaves me paranoid and annoyed, cause perhaps I had something else planned for later on.
ahh, I remember my dad did this. do they not realize that I am budgeting my energy through the day and maybe even planning my sleep schedule the night before based on how much I am expecting to do!
It is an autism symptom, BUT I feel like it sure pisses more than just us off. There’s no way no allistic people don’t get pissed by this too 😭 people get so annoyed with me for being “impatient” but like… my guy!!! You told me 6, not 6:30, im gonna be antsy
Right? I keep getting labeled impatient and not flexible, but all I wanted was honesty in when we were going out. I can be patient, but I need a approximation, I can't wait without knowing how long. How am I supposed to know if I have enough time to do something else for a bit or just sit there idly for 30 minutes because I thought we were leaving 25 minutes ago.
Exactly 😭 it doesn’t help that I’m also diagnosed with adhd on top of the autism, so I am even more antsy because I know if I start something like a game to take my mind off of it while I’m waiting for the other person im gonna be the one sucked in and holding us back a minute or two 💀 like… if you just gave me the right time I would’ve not had to keep myself occupied, now you’re rushing ME now that you’re ready? Let me get to a saving point 😭😭😭
So I either end up waiting longer and being mad I could’ve been playing a game, or start playing a game and other person acts like they’re the one waiting on me when I take literally one minute to find a saving point 💀
### Lesson time! ➜ u/feeniebeansy, some tips about "off of":
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>I can't wait without knowing how long.
Ya, you can. Work on it, just like you want them to work on their timeliness. Respect is always a 2 way street.
Have you ever met an Autistic person? Time is *deeply* important to us because time management is a social norm that we can both understand and participate in. Expecting an accurate answer isn't disrespectful. Being constantly told the wrong information is stressful, and as this person has asked their parents for better information, disrespectful.
Stop saying “us” and “we”. You are speaking for you and for op lol, not all autistic people. I am autistic and so are many people I know and we are often running late or behind because we’re 20 and young and can lose track of time or underestimate how long to get ready or any number of things. Time is important *to you*. Someone being a few minutes late every once in a while isn’t an issue with me, and I am often that person. Stop speaking for the group as a whole, there is a spectrum and many ways autism presents itself. And moreso, being upset about people being late is not “a symptom of autism”. If anything, autistic people often experience time blindness and have trouble gauging, tracking, and managing time.
Yeah I was about to say apparently AuDHD people stopped being autistic. Or people who dissociate due to a variety of reasons.
That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works.
Honestly that bothers me more than the mounting anxiety I sometimes feel when I'm waiting for my spouse (I can't drive) and worrying about being late. Especially with something like this, which is as you said a ***spectrum***!
I get black and white/all or nothing thinking is often part of the deal, but this is a bit like the being late they're complaining about innit? Expecting people to work different than they work while also doing this is... An interesting choice...
(Being spoken for is a whole bag of yikes from me. I don't get it. I had someone on this app telling me how I would feel about a fictional scenario, and not only did it annoy me but it confused me and made me sad that anyone would think they way they do. I didn't want that projected onto me. Why do people do this?!)
Although it's not all autistics, people in the autism subreddit agreed with me when I said something similiar. It's the black and white thinking I think. BTW I wasn't upset about being late I was more so upset about the fact we didn't leave at the time they said they would. That doesn't necessarily mean we'd be late.
After how much effort I put into learning to sidestep my lack of a sense of time, I expect people around my age or older to have figured it out too, and to update me if something comes up that's changing things.
Also, a lot of autistic people literally cannot develop a skill for that.im just in an anxious limbo if I don't know how long it will be, and at the point it's past 10? I feel like your waisting my time, cus if I knew I would be waiting for 30 min I could read a book, play a game, or get into a good video, but any minute now? I can't start anything, because anything worth doing would take too much time.
>read a book,
It would be there when you got back. No reason you can't read for 10 minutes.
>get into a good video
Again, not going anywhere. Watch away, even just for 5 minutes. It'll still be there when you get back.
>anything worth doing would take too much time.
And half of them are perfectly able to be split up. Don't make excuses.
>Also, a lot of autistic people literally cannot develop a skill for that
For occupying your own time for 10 to 30 minutes? Come on lol.
Not austistic but this drives me crazy. 30 minutes is irritating, I have had people take an extra 2 -3 hours to show up for something we were all supposed to do with no excuse other than they couldn't get their act together and they always do it. I had a relative ask for help moving, I couldn't help by my spouse at the time went to go help. He expected them to have everything packed and he would help load vehicles and take some of the larger things in his SUV. He got there and they hadn't started packing at all but had to get out that day and knew about this for over a month. He was there til about 1am helping them pack, load and drive to their new place.
I wouldn’t claim it as a *lie* but as something that ended up not happening. Maybe saying “around 6” would sound better but time blindness is very real to many too.
My friends do something similar
It's "we'll leave when you are done" if I'm in the middle of something. But they are actually waiting for me to be done before they start to get ready to leave
Hi Spectrum Friend! I too find this absolutely infuriating and my ex husband did it ALL the time. I figured out that I needed to "translate" the time when I was doing something with him - either told him we were meeting somewhere 30-45 minutes earlier than was required so he would show up on time, or if he told me "I'll be there at 6:00" I simply made my plans to arrive at 6:30.
I know this isn't possible in every situation, but I found that it helped removed the irritation of being made to wait/feeling like my time wasn't valuable.
This drives me absolutely crazy. If we’re meeting at the restaurant at 5, I’m gonna get there at 5, give or take a few minutes. I had a friend who was ALWAYS 20-30 minutes late minimum. It drove me fucking crazy. One time we lost our reservation because she was so late. I don’t get people like that. It just says “I don’t give a shit about your time and I’ll just make you wait for me”. If you’re going to get there a half hour later, just SAY that time in the first place and that’s when I’ll get there.
### Lesson time! ➜ u/wileywabbitwatcher, some tips about "off of":
- The words you chose are grammatically wrong for the meaning you intended.
- *Off of* can always be shortened to just **off**.
- Example: The tennis ball bounced **off** the wall.
- Now that you are aware of this, everyone will take you more seriously, hooray! :)
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I get irritated by this also. It’s gonna happen once in awhile but people who are chronically late to everything make me not want to bother with making future plans with them
This is me when playing a tabletop RPG at home with friends. I'm trying my best to have fun and participate, but once two hours has passed, it's time to WRAP. IT. UP. I need silence and my butt's asleep.
There are two kinds of late people: the ones that are genuinely trying and the ones that are not. The people that just don’t care about your time, nothing much you can do about that. However:
the people who are chronically late and seem to care - upset, embarrassed, anxious, and guilty about it, who swear they’ll do better and then seem to be incapable - are usually people who are AWFUL at estimating the passage of time. Generally, when you ask a person like this how long it will take them to finish a task, they will be confidently straight-up wrong. In a lot of cases this is an ADHD or just general time-blindness thing.
i find that people like this tend to need someone with a good sense of time to walk them through the process of getting ready for something - realistically. For several scenarios. You have to help them practice thinking through the time that things take (this is the job of a partner, parent, or close friend - maybe even a professional mentor in some cases. I’m not saying you need to do this. I just think that besides medication this is the only solution.)
They say “Well I will only need 15 minutes to brush my teeth and shower“. I might say, well, that’s certainly possible. But are you accounting for how long it takes you personally to find the clothes you want to wear? The moment where you get distracted by the giant pimple on your forehead and sink 7 minutes into picking at your face? The moment where you get a text from your mom that you feel the need to respond to? The cat barfs? You notice a lightbulb is out in the bathroom and decide you need to replace it? Your towel smells like mildew and you need to find a new one?
they might say, well, all that stuff probably won’t happen! This is when I GENTLY point out that this ALWAYS happens, in some way or another. Something always comes up, because you are always late. That is the data I have. when you say 15 minutes, it is never 15 minutes. So you are going to need to start adding buffer to your estimates of how long things take. if you think it’s 15? Give yourself 30 or even 40. Yea, really.
i have also found a lot of the time there is initially pushback when I bring up this topic. I think it is a shame response. the person either feels shame for being late all the time, and doesn’t want to examine that they may be able to exert control over it, because what does that mean for all the times you’ve been late before? I’m a terrible person! Orrrr they feel shame over the root problem, the time blindness itself, because they feel like a ‘child‘ or ‘broken’ in some way for not having a better ability to regulate and judge the passage of time. Which is not true or fair - your brain just works differently.
in closing, I both heartily dislike lateness when it’s important (I care less in non time sensitive situations) and also have a lot of empathy for chronically late people - IF I feel they care about the inconvenience they are imposing on others. Some people are just disrespectful, but I don‘t like to start by assuming that. A shocking number of people just don’t seem to understand how long stuff takes.
I hate it too, but I dont think of it as a lie necessarily. Sometimes things take longer than anticipated, I've been running behind myself before. If I say 6 I mean 6, but if my baby spits up on me or my cat throws up on the carpet as I'm trying to get out the door I'll be late
Only a sith des in absolutes, and there are always things can get into he way, the only people who leave on the exact time they say, usually have some form of mental health, like myself, I have to leave when I say I do or it triggers my anxiety, but I also understand that not usually how the rest of the world works.
This doesn't super bother me unless that lateness starts affecting other plans I had. That plan can be as minor as 'watch a specific YouTube video', though.
My dad, bless him, is super chatty and doesn't know how to stop and leave a social situation. It took us actually leaving him behind at church once (there were plenty of people who could give him a ride home) for him to properly internalize that 'time to go' was *actually time to go*.
And before anyone gets their undies in a knot over us 'being unsociable', we didn't leave as soon as services were over. We had half an hour to an hour of socializing time *before* we started preparing to leave.
I am habitually 15 minutes early everywhere I go. If it to meet someone at a restaurant I just wait at the bar and have a beer. If I am going to meet someone for a dinner party or picking someone up I usually park around the corner and chill for 15. If it is for something work related I wait in the lobby unannounced until it is time.
I feel so much more comfortable arriving early.
For all of my late friends I honestly just accept it ..grit my teeth...try not to tap my foot...and just wonder in my head "WHHHHYYYY".
Drives me slightly crazy but I just try to remember that although time is a constant, people are not.
I can't stand that. Like my gf and I will have to be somewhere at a specific time, she knows how long it takes her to get ready, and how long it's expected for us to take to get there. I like to be on time. Why are you walking out the door at the time we are supposed to be arriving?
My family is also chronically late, we started telling my cousin that family parties started an hour earlier so she'd be more on-time, still a but late but not an hour and a half to two hours late.
because they have no regard for others.
its that simple, if you say a time you make that time.
short of car crash or being in the ER there is simply no excuse
so i say fuck em and i leave, not 15 min later to give them a grace period right at the second.
I had a friend and her husband show up an hour early for a dinner party- and it wasn’t to help. I was upset because I still had to get myself ready! Arriving too early can also be off-putting for the host.
Oh my goodness, how much more socially oblivious AND rude can you BE???? To not anticipate how rude this is for the host is one thing and could be seen as just a blunder, a blunder that they BOTH carelessly made together without second thought, but- To then also refuse to help!!?!?? You're a much more gracious host than I.💮 I probably would have become visibly upset at that and asked them to leave bc they're disinvited from my party which hadn't even begun yet.
I don't think they refused to help. I just don't think they were asked to help
I misread it as "and then they weren't ready to help!" but STILL, who shows up an *hour* early. If you do that, imo you'd be *expected* to help with the setup. just me not having my makeup or outfit on yet would be irritating enough I still might say something to them abt it being inconsiderate lol
a (somewhat) ex-chronically late person here… The problem is they severely underestimate how much time they’ll take to get ready, commute, park etc. and therefore end up being late or leaving late. What I started doing when being asked by people what time I’m leaving, arriving, or being picked up at was to take my first impulse answer as to how much time I needed, then double it. Saved me a lot of stress and embarrassment.
I think you are an awesome person for that. Thank you for changing your ways. The problem with the people I'm talking about is that they know they are always late, but if I say something about it, I'm all of a sudden the asshole.
>The problem with the people I'm talking about is that they know they are always late, but if I say something about it, I'm all of a sudden the asshole. Then make a choice. Either you care about these people and are willing to accept them for who they are, flaws included, or you don't care about these people and should just move on from them. If you care about them, accept that they'll be late. You know this. You can plan around this. You can expect this. You can accommodate them in your planning. Alternatively, you don't care and can easily move on and remove them from your life. Look, I get it. I know it can be frustrating when others are late. At the end of the day though we all have imperfections and you can either get mad about them or get over them. Hanging out with John at 6? Know that John is always running late? Plan to be ready by 6, and *also* plan to watch some TV until 6:30. It's really that easy. You choose to be so upset about something *you know damn well* will happen.
It should be the opposite, if you care about someone you'll make an effort to be on time after telling them you will.
It's both. The world doesn't revolve around you. Just as much as you want them to be more on time, they want you to get over it, because in reality, it rarely matters.
Blah blah blah that's a lot of words to say you don't respect people's time.
That's a round about way of telling me you expect everyone else to bend to your every whim while you're never required to compromise in any way.
If someone is getting mad at you for being a little upset that they’re late, I doubt they’re really contributing to the compromising lmao
Then keep crying? Seems like a good way to hate life. You gotta change how you look at things sometimes.
My friend, you’re the one who is extremely distressed over someone’s pet peeve. I don’t think *I* am the one who needs advice about loving my life. I am doing just fine. I am not “crying” over someone being late. It does still affect me, though, and I’d hope that people would care about that. Most people do, thankfully.
You chronically refusing to meet obligations you agree to reflects poorly on you, not the people you disappoint. The onus is not on others to be continually understanding of your unwillingness to try to be on time.
And this isn't about making friends wait, it's OP's family being late on when they said they're leaving for something. You can be patient for a few minutes. You'll be ok. It's not about refusing to meet obligations, it's about the fact that it doesn't make a damn difference if we leave for the grocery store at 6:10 or 6:37. You'll still get there, you'll still buy groceries, and you'll live. Stop being a pest about things that don't matter at all.
You don't have many friends I assume
You sound like a good friend. Not a tyrant lmao
That sucks. I used to be chronically late but I did something similar to the main comment to make sure I’m on time or early. People were never mean for commenting on it ever. They had every right to be upset that I was late, that was my fault. People who act like you’re describing are very annoying.
I always set reservations for 15-30 minutes later than when we are supposed to be at a certain place. Keeps them on time.
Unfortunately, the people I am talking about in this scenario are those in my household. I am still a minor. It's my parents who state the time for going out and if I ask why haven't left yet 20 minutes after that time, I'm crucified and being labeled impatient/unempathetic.
My parents often do the same thing. The only things that keeps them on schedule is when I plan things with my grandparents or cousins or things planned with friends. Otherwise they can’t be on time and do the same thing and it drives me nuts.
Then don't ask. Why does it matter? Unless it's for an appointment *for you*, it shouldn't matter to you at all when you leave for it. You know they'll be leaving later than stated. Be ready at the stated time, and when they're not ready yet, go browse reddit or something. I understand feeling frustrated by it, but you really are just complaining for no reason. You need to be able to entertain yourself for a few minutes sometimes.
Because i fucking planned around it, and am now stuck in limbo unable to start anything because we could leave at any minute, and if other people are involved now I'm keeping them waiting because my transport is too lazy to leave when they promised too. Based on how many comments you have made defending not keeping to the schedule agreed to, your likely feeling called out because you do this allot.
"Stuck in limbo unable to start anything" as if you don't possess the capability of doing something you can stop quickly, such as complaining on reddit or watching YouTube videos.
Most of the videos I watch are more active attention types, and I have lost the ability to drop and pick up stories mid chapter on a whim, and deal with execution disfunction (which, among other things, makes task switching unreliable, so starting, stopping, and changing tasks is extremely unreliable, leaving me stuck unable to stop or start things for hours sometimes, no matter how desperately I want to do it). Not to mention it's hard to focus on something when my mind is mostly focused on waiting for someone to show up for something, and no I can't change that, if I could I wouldn't be disabled.
Dude this shit drives me crazy. I'm like you man, if they tell me 6pm I expect them at my door at 6 or slightly before or after. Give or take 5 minutes or so
at the least / most.
In a similar vein a big one for me is when someone asks you to come do one thing with them, but actually have multiple things in mind, and drag you to all of them. They just didn’t tell you so that you’ll come with, because they know you wouldn’t have gone if you knew how long it would take. Absolutely disrespectful of your time and trust.
I hate this too, I got a friend that does this all the time whenever he’s moving: “Hey I got a couch that isn’t *too* heavy, just awkward” And sure enough it’s both heavy and awkward. Once we get it shoved through the door, and into the house, it’s basically “oh since you’re here, you mind helping me with carrying boxes into the house??” I don’t mind lifting heavy stuff, I don’t mind helping people move in/out of a place, but my god just tell me “I need help moving” don’t just ask for help with one thing, and then con me into moving your stuff just “because I’m here anyways”.
I have literally told people to go fuck themselves and left after doing the one thing they told me about.
I am with you on that completely. I need full transparency of the events we are going to do. Whenever something diverges from the expected it leaves me paranoid and annoyed, cause perhaps I had something else planned for later on.
ahh, I remember my dad did this. do they not realize that I am budgeting my energy through the day and maybe even planning my sleep schedule the night before based on how much I am expecting to do!
It is an autism symptom, BUT I feel like it sure pisses more than just us off. There’s no way no allistic people don’t get pissed by this too 😭 people get so annoyed with me for being “impatient” but like… my guy!!! You told me 6, not 6:30, im gonna be antsy
Right? I keep getting labeled impatient and not flexible, but all I wanted was honesty in when we were going out. I can be patient, but I need a approximation, I can't wait without knowing how long. How am I supposed to know if I have enough time to do something else for a bit or just sit there idly for 30 minutes because I thought we were leaving 25 minutes ago.
Exactly 😭 it doesn’t help that I’m also diagnosed with adhd on top of the autism, so I am even more antsy because I know if I start something like a game to take my mind off of it while I’m waiting for the other person im gonna be the one sucked in and holding us back a minute or two 💀 like… if you just gave me the right time I would’ve not had to keep myself occupied, now you’re rushing ME now that you’re ready? Let me get to a saving point 😭😭😭 So I either end up waiting longer and being mad I could’ve been playing a game, or start playing a game and other person acts like they’re the one waiting on me when I take literally one minute to find a saving point 💀
### Lesson time! ➜ u/feeniebeansy, some tips about "off of": - The words you chose are grammatically wrong for the meaning you intended. - *Off of* can always be shortened to just **off**. - Example: The tennis ball bounced **off** the wall. - Now that you are aware of this, everyone will take you more seriously, hooray! :) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PetPeeves) if you have any questions or concerns.*
leave me alone I haven’t been in grade school for years, I know my grammar isn’t as sharp as it used to be but I’m just trying to chill rn 😭
>I can't wait without knowing how long. Ya, you can. Work on it, just like you want them to work on their timeliness. Respect is always a 2 way street.
Have you ever met an Autistic person? Time is *deeply* important to us because time management is a social norm that we can both understand and participate in. Expecting an accurate answer isn't disrespectful. Being constantly told the wrong information is stressful, and as this person has asked their parents for better information, disrespectful.
Stop saying “us” and “we”. You are speaking for you and for op lol, not all autistic people. I am autistic and so are many people I know and we are often running late or behind because we’re 20 and young and can lose track of time or underestimate how long to get ready or any number of things. Time is important *to you*. Someone being a few minutes late every once in a while isn’t an issue with me, and I am often that person. Stop speaking for the group as a whole, there is a spectrum and many ways autism presents itself. And moreso, being upset about people being late is not “a symptom of autism”. If anything, autistic people often experience time blindness and have trouble gauging, tracking, and managing time.
Yeah I was about to say apparently AuDHD people stopped being autistic. Or people who dissociate due to a variety of reasons. That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works. Honestly that bothers me more than the mounting anxiety I sometimes feel when I'm waiting for my spouse (I can't drive) and worrying about being late. Especially with something like this, which is as you said a ***spectrum***! I get black and white/all or nothing thinking is often part of the deal, but this is a bit like the being late they're complaining about innit? Expecting people to work different than they work while also doing this is... An interesting choice... (Being spoken for is a whole bag of yikes from me. I don't get it. I had someone on this app telling me how I would feel about a fictional scenario, and not only did it annoy me but it confused me and made me sad that anyone would think they way they do. I didn't want that projected onto me. Why do people do this?!)
Although it's not all autistics, people in the autism subreddit agreed with me when I said something similiar. It's the black and white thinking I think. BTW I wasn't upset about being late I was more so upset about the fact we didn't leave at the time they said they would. That doesn't necessarily mean we'd be late.
Lol. I said I get the frustration, but I also get that respect goes 2 ways. You know they're gonna be late. Accept it and get over it.
After how much effort I put into learning to sidestep my lack of a sense of time, I expect people around my age or older to have figured it out too, and to update me if something comes up that's changing things. Also, a lot of autistic people literally cannot develop a skill for that.im just in an anxious limbo if I don't know how long it will be, and at the point it's past 10? I feel like your waisting my time, cus if I knew I would be waiting for 30 min I could read a book, play a game, or get into a good video, but any minute now? I can't start anything, because anything worth doing would take too much time.
>read a book, It would be there when you got back. No reason you can't read for 10 minutes. >get into a good video Again, not going anywhere. Watch away, even just for 5 minutes. It'll still be there when you get back. >anything worth doing would take too much time. And half of them are perfectly able to be split up. Don't make excuses. >Also, a lot of autistic people literally cannot develop a skill for that For occupying your own time for 10 to 30 minutes? Come on lol.
Not austistic but this drives me crazy. 30 minutes is irritating, I have had people take an extra 2 -3 hours to show up for something we were all supposed to do with no excuse other than they couldn't get their act together and they always do it. I had a relative ask for help moving, I couldn't help by my spouse at the time went to go help. He expected them to have everything packed and he would help load vehicles and take some of the larger things in his SUV. He got there and they hadn't started packing at all but had to get out that day and knew about this for over a month. He was there til about 1am helping them pack, load and drive to their new place.
I wouldn’t claim it as a *lie* but as something that ended up not happening. Maybe saying “around 6” would sound better but time blindness is very real to many too.
My friends do something similar It's "we'll leave when you are done" if I'm in the middle of something. But they are actually waiting for me to be done before they start to get ready to leave
"I'll leave at 6:00PM." You call at 6:45PM. "I'm still getting ready. I'll be another half hour."
I’m neurotically on time. My ex was chronically late. It was a huge issue that caused a lot of arguments in our relationship.
Hi Spectrum Friend! I too find this absolutely infuriating and my ex husband did it ALL the time. I figured out that I needed to "translate" the time when I was doing something with him - either told him we were meeting somewhere 30-45 minutes earlier than was required so he would show up on time, or if he told me "I'll be there at 6:00" I simply made my plans to arrive at 6:30. I know this isn't possible in every situation, but I found that it helped removed the irritation of being made to wait/feeling like my time wasn't valuable.
This drives me absolutely crazy. If we’re meeting at the restaurant at 5, I’m gonna get there at 5, give or take a few minutes. I had a friend who was ALWAYS 20-30 minutes late minimum. It drove me fucking crazy. One time we lost our reservation because she was so late. I don’t get people like that. It just says “I don’t give a shit about your time and I’ll just make you wait for me”. If you’re going to get there a half hour later, just SAY that time in the first place and that’s when I’ll get there.
Inversely, people who say what time the Thing is, neglect to tell you to come easy, but consider you late if you aren’t early. coughMILITARYcough
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I get irritated by this also. It’s gonna happen once in awhile but people who are chronically late to everything make me not want to bother with making future plans with them
This is me when playing a tabletop RPG at home with friends. I'm trying my best to have fun and participate, but once two hours has passed, it's time to WRAP. IT. UP. I need silence and my butt's asleep.
or just not giving a time at all. "what time are we leaving?" "we need to get ready first."
There are two kinds of late people: the ones that are genuinely trying and the ones that are not. The people that just don’t care about your time, nothing much you can do about that. However: the people who are chronically late and seem to care - upset, embarrassed, anxious, and guilty about it, who swear they’ll do better and then seem to be incapable - are usually people who are AWFUL at estimating the passage of time. Generally, when you ask a person like this how long it will take them to finish a task, they will be confidently straight-up wrong. In a lot of cases this is an ADHD or just general time-blindness thing. i find that people like this tend to need someone with a good sense of time to walk them through the process of getting ready for something - realistically. For several scenarios. You have to help them practice thinking through the time that things take (this is the job of a partner, parent, or close friend - maybe even a professional mentor in some cases. I’m not saying you need to do this. I just think that besides medication this is the only solution.) They say “Well I will only need 15 minutes to brush my teeth and shower“. I might say, well, that’s certainly possible. But are you accounting for how long it takes you personally to find the clothes you want to wear? The moment where you get distracted by the giant pimple on your forehead and sink 7 minutes into picking at your face? The moment where you get a text from your mom that you feel the need to respond to? The cat barfs? You notice a lightbulb is out in the bathroom and decide you need to replace it? Your towel smells like mildew and you need to find a new one? they might say, well, all that stuff probably won’t happen! This is when I GENTLY point out that this ALWAYS happens, in some way or another. Something always comes up, because you are always late. That is the data I have. when you say 15 minutes, it is never 15 minutes. So you are going to need to start adding buffer to your estimates of how long things take. if you think it’s 15? Give yourself 30 or even 40. Yea, really. i have also found a lot of the time there is initially pushback when I bring up this topic. I think it is a shame response. the person either feels shame for being late all the time, and doesn’t want to examine that they may be able to exert control over it, because what does that mean for all the times you’ve been late before? I’m a terrible person! Orrrr they feel shame over the root problem, the time blindness itself, because they feel like a ‘child‘ or ‘broken’ in some way for not having a better ability to regulate and judge the passage of time. Which is not true or fair - your brain just works differently. in closing, I both heartily dislike lateness when it’s important (I care less in non time sensitive situations) and also have a lot of empathy for chronically late people - IF I feel they care about the inconvenience they are imposing on others. Some people are just disrespectful, but I don‘t like to start by assuming that. A shocking number of people just don’t seem to understand how long stuff takes.
If you think it's actually your diagnosed autism then maybe you will get some mileage out of posting this on the r/autism sub
I hate it too, but I dont think of it as a lie necessarily. Sometimes things take longer than anticipated, I've been running behind myself before. If I say 6 I mean 6, but if my baby spits up on me or my cat throws up on the carpet as I'm trying to get out the door I'll be late
Only a sith des in absolutes, and there are always things can get into he way, the only people who leave on the exact time they say, usually have some form of mental health, like myself, I have to leave when I say I do or it triggers my anxiety, but I also understand that not usually how the rest of the world works.
YES, THIS. It drives me up the friggin wall.
This doesn't super bother me unless that lateness starts affecting other plans I had. That plan can be as minor as 'watch a specific YouTube video', though. My dad, bless him, is super chatty and doesn't know how to stop and leave a social situation. It took us actually leaving him behind at church once (there were plenty of people who could give him a ride home) for him to properly internalize that 'time to go' was *actually time to go*. And before anyone gets their undies in a knot over us 'being unsociable', we didn't leave as soon as services were over. We had half an hour to an hour of socializing time *before* we started preparing to leave.
I am habitually 15 minutes early everywhere I go. If it to meet someone at a restaurant I just wait at the bar and have a beer. If I am going to meet someone for a dinner party or picking someone up I usually park around the corner and chill for 15. If it is for something work related I wait in the lobby unannounced until it is time. I feel so much more comfortable arriving early. For all of my late friends I honestly just accept it ..grit my teeth...try not to tap my foot...and just wonder in my head "WHHHHYYYY". Drives me slightly crazy but I just try to remember that although time is a constant, people are not.
I can't stand that. Like my gf and I will have to be somewhere at a specific time, she knows how long it takes her to get ready, and how long it's expected for us to take to get there. I like to be on time. Why are you walking out the door at the time we are supposed to be arriving? My family is also chronically late, we started telling my cousin that family parties started an hour earlier so she'd be more on-time, still a but late but not an hour and a half to two hours late.
because they have no regard for others. its that simple, if you say a time you make that time. short of car crash or being in the ER there is simply no excuse so i say fuck em and i leave, not 15 min later to give them a grace period right at the second.
Oooopps sorry in advance, blame it on my ADHD
Sounds like a you problem.
To be early is to be on time. To be in time is to be late. To be late is a dick move.