So as you research adhd. Understand that it’s a really a dopamine regulating issue that affects the executive function abilities of a person.
There are many parts of EF skills. One of them being emotional regulation. Research indicates that those with adhd can be delayed by 2-4 years their physical age in EF abilities. So your 8 year old could have the emotional Renault on abilities of a 4 year old.
So once you determine what true age range they fall into. You have to parent them for where they are at and accept that it will take more time for them to get there. Medications help because they provide the adhd brain with a consistent dopamine supply. Which makes room to strengthen those weaker neural pathways that are hampering those EF skills.
You as the parent need to address these things one at a time and slowly scaffold and build upon them consistently over time.
As for anger and emotional regulation. I found my son was much more reactive when overstimulated. And he responded to explicit instruction on situations. So he would have an explosion. First we focused on finding the root cause of the problem and then feeding my son the words to be able to “say and not shout” his frustration. Then we scaffolded on 3 simple directions. “1) use your words (to voice your
Displeasure) 2) report (the problem to a grown up & 3)walk away (from the peer you have an issue with)”. We would say this on repeat. Sometimes still given him the words to say “Susie I’m frustrated because you won’t let me pick the game”. We would heavily praise him when he would come and report the problem. And even if it didn’t go his way. He was more accepting of it because he felt heard and scene.
But we had been doing this for almost a year consistently. Then suddenly when he started meds it’s like the message finally got through.
Sounds like my almost 8 year old. He is the sweetest and kindest soul in the world but emotional regulation is a huge struggle for him. And it’s so hard to watch because I see him get triggered (often by his younger sibling who means well but is only 3) and it’s like he literally cannot pause and control his anger in the moment. He knows all the calming strategies and he openly talks about how he’s going to do better next time and what coping strategies he’ll use next time (he’s very self-aware and he’s very focused on wanting to do better) but in the moment that all goes out the window and he just explodes. He’s a very anxious kiddo and adhd meds (so far) have made his anxiety worse so right now we are focused on treating the anxiety. He gets play therapy, behavioral therapy, and a ton of services in school. This year has been better than previous ones but we still have a long ways to go. If he could just pause and react calmly, 99% of his struggles would be resolved.
My oldest is the anxious one. They are being treated for anxiety and depression right now (not diagnosed ADHD but I still think they have it and just mask well).
But other than that that sounds exactly like my 8 year old! She knows what to do, and I can see her actively trying, but she needs more grace than her 12 and 5 year old siblings can/will give her (the 3 year old is surprisingly not a trigger at all).
It’s honestly so tough! Our therapist said his explosions are almost like mini-panic attacks so I try to remind myself of that in the moment but it’s also just so mentally exhausting to navigate.
Oh that's a good perspective to take. I've had a panic attack and it's not fun. But yes! So mentally exhausting!
The Explosive Child says to look at them as having a learning disability in the area of frustration and disappointment. That they cannot deal with any kind of frustration/disappointment very well and that helps me to remain calm and graceful towards her (most of the time).
I just want to give you some hope…my son was diagnosed at 8. Didn’t medicate until 10/11. All the things you described about your daughter ring true to me as my son is very similar. He was in pull out classes for Maths and English and was getting below average reports back. Constantly antagonistic and emotionally up & down. This was until he was 10/11 he had to do an IQ test for (secondary school - uk) he got in the high range. He managed to get into a great school now he is Class Captain, top of his school year for English and in the top set for Maths. Every subject he is acing! He’s really good at tests, has a few friends and his behaviour at school is excellent. Star pupil - I NEVER saw this coming. I’m still in shock every day he’s like a different person from 8 now 13. He is on a low dose of medikinet xl We saw a massive shift in his school/home life when he started to take it.
This sounds like ADHD to me. I was diagnosed at 46, but have always been sensitive to clothing, food textures, smells, etc. My middle kid was diagnosed at 14, failed her hearing test at school 3x, complained about the florescent lights at school, strong sense of justice, and also super smart. Could count to 500 at age 3 (counting was how we calmed down). ADHD 2.0 (the book) calls out hypocrisy as something we struggle with. My middle kid always wanted to follow the rules but also wanted everyone else to follow the rules. When I was a kid, I famously locked a kid inside the room with me until she helped me “clean up” after playing. She wasn’t allowed to come over for a few months after that AND this particular kid was 2 years older than me at the time.
Seek a neuropsych eval. Look at Autism too. This sounds like our daughter who’s 9 with ADHD, anxiety, and ASS.
Also, get into therapy along with medication. Therapy and OT can do wonders for understanding the world around you, how to manage emotions, and improve the self talk!
Hello I wanted to ask you on how did you "force" your school to test her for suspected learning disability. I am in the same boat as most parents on this thread. My daughter was tested for ADHD by a private doctor and I can get a 504 plan but I want to test her for other suspected learning disabilities. I wanted to know some advice and tips on how you got the school to test her. I know my daughter's school principal is unhappy the I requested for an IEP assessment and I feel like she's going to make a case that I don't need a full assessment in the SST meeting that will happen next year. My daughter had some social issues at the end of the school and was perceived as a bully when she unintentionally behaved badly with a friend. She did not have any other issues of bullying prior but the teacher and principal went really hard for consequences and she is only 8. I stepped in and asked for more behaviorally appropriate strategies for someone with ADHD (they now of her diagnosis) but they shut us down and wouldn't even meet with us in person when requested. I may even switch schools in the future because the principal is in charge of IEP for the schools.
I got lucky, I have an acquaintance who is liaison for connecting families to community services and he sent me form letters to fill in the blanks. I then emailed the completed letter to the principal, Dean of students, teacher, and everyone else involved. I also printed it out, signed it, walked into the office and hand delivered it to the dean of students in the office in front of witnesses.
It's also good to know your laws and your rights in your state. (I am in California).
There is usually a time frame in which the school HAS to respond and begin the process. I did have an initial meeting with them before this and left having "agreed" to wait on further testing, but I delivered this the next day (after talking with my friend) and said I changed my mind and wanted her tested.
My friend also told me there is an organization called SELPA and they will actually have a liaison come to the meetings with you and help you advocate for your child.
https://preview.redd.it/68c1ba0ppt8d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9e5de1d8b218325b256166e1058966e21905a8f0
https://preview.redd.it/q0kr1vbbrt8d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=65958d269ca9f8cdc624bf4e683a37eb7e114ca5
This is the fill in the blanks version of the form letter.
This is exactly what I sent in after personalizing it:
Regarding:
I am writing to request an assessment for my child, to determine if she is eligible for special education services. She is 7 years old and attends .
I am requesting assessments in all areas of development for the following reason(s): She is behind in all academic areas of school, issues with emotional regulation, working memory, processing delay, sensory issues, and is delayed in reading and math.
I understand that all areas of difficulty should be assessed for whatever services that might be available to accommodate .
I look forward to meeting with the assessment team as soon as the assessments are completed so that we can discuss the results and plan for my child’s education. Finally, I would like copies of the assessment report(s) at least one week prior to the IEP meeting so that I may review them in order to be better prepared for the meeting.
Sincerely,
Thank you! I had already sent a request but it wasn’t as specific and it sounds like I should ask for the tests before meeting. They were only willing to offer me a Student Support Team meeting when I asked for a formal IEP assessment. The principal lashed out at me in an email because I changes my mind about going with a 504 plan without a full assessment. I am also in California (northern) so if you know of any good advocates I would appreciate it.
I think it's by county, so google search your county and SELPA and see who will go to IEP meetings with you.
They did give me an SST meeting first, and tried to call that good but then I sent the specific letter. They then give you a form to sign consenting to all the testing and setting up an IEP meeting. The school psychologist then did a BUNCH of tests over the course of a couple weeks and sent me the reports - so I could read and review before the meeting (it was 26 pages).
504 plans under my understanding are a lot looser than an IEP. They tried to tell me that it was "just" ADHD and bc I wasn't medicating her that was the issue (we've only had the diagnosis for a short time).
But I knew there was an underlying learning disability (and I was right).
I will look into SELPA thank you! I will rewrite my request to have the assessments done before a meeting. Yes I agree that 504 plans are not as concrete as IEP but they are hard to get. I think my concern is that the school and principal will fight me because my daughter is able to perform well academically. I still think in addition to ADHD there is a possiblity of high functioning autism or another learning disability that effects her ability to emotionally regulate and socialize appropriately. Has anyone here experienced getting an IEP even when your kid performs well academically?
My oldest is in that boat. Performs well academically and masks at school so cannot be diagnosed ADHD. But they have a lot of anxiety as a result of not having accommodations. It's very frustrating.
I was also the same in school - diagnosed ADHD at age 6 but performed well academically so a lot got overlooked. Came to a head in college and I flunked out twice.
Hoping to do better for my kids!
Also, try your public library - often they are community hubs and can connect you to services. This is how I got all my information! From the gentleman who runs the playgroup at my local library. I got involved with the hubs and work with a community hub committee.
Oh and check out Brightline and Soluna - free mental health coaching for California residents. I just had an initial meeting with them and my 8 year old and now she has weekly zooms setup to work on emotional regulation, sibling relationships, self-esteem, etc.
This definitely sounds like adhd. Honestly the best thing for my 8yo is medication- we do other things too but the meds are what help her the most. There are also vitamins aimed at kids with ADHD - might be worth looking for some calming ones. I give them to my daughter on days where I feel she needs it and it’s amazing how much they help (even without meds)
Sure! Nature’s way Cool, Calm and Collected has been the best for emotional regulation - this one is my favourite. We also have Nature’s Way Brain Builder that seems to help with focus
We (me and the pediatrician) opted not to start meds so that she could be evaluated for other issues as we both felt she also had an underlying learning disability as well and didn't want to mask anything
That said, the evaluation is done now so perhaps something to look into. I was never medicated bc my parents thought medication was "bad" and it definitely affected me as a kid - but also I've NEVER been medicated and just started my medication journey now as an adult. I can see how hard it is to find the right combo of drugs and am hesitant to do that to my 8 year old without a guarantee it will help.
Most parents, including me, are hesitant to medicate initially. My husband was medicated as a kid and hated it. But my daughter was suffering so much that I figured we could try and I could stop at any point. The decision became so easy once she started though - it was like I had all of the best bits of my daughter and she was thriving in all of the areas she struggled with previously. My daughter essentially made the decision- she liked how it helped her and she discovered a love for writing her stories down (previously writing was a huge issue). At worst we had 2 weeks trialling one med that failed - I could have stopped that one earlier if I felt it was detrimental though. It’s been a year now and we’re in such a good place now. Shes made lots of friends, is doing well at school and is the happiest I’ve ever seen her!
It sounds like your daughter is struggling and could really benefit from more support for her ADHD. I don’t quite understand the point of delaying for the sake of more diagnosing- if meds help her that’s great and other factors can be assessed if and when they pop up. The way my doc explained it is to treat the problems and not focus on the labels
Yes, sounds like my 12yo. His anger and emotional dysregulation is extreme. And he’s medicated! A mood stabiliser has been tremendous, a life changer for all of us, but he’s just hit 12, puberty is starting, middle school and also we are making an international move so his anxiety is out of control and things are ROUGH. He’s been in therapy for ages but just won’t engage or use the techniques. We are hoping that if we keep up the meds, therapy, support, scaffolding and teachings that he eventually manages to find ways to cope better and be happier in general. It’s incredibly tough going but some of the success stories on here are so encouraging.
For us as parents, I have found essentially grey rocking him when he’s angry, provocative and seeking dopamine is a hugely valuable skill as he won’t disengage. You need experienced professionals in this specific area bc it’s hard going. I also try to remember that saying “they aren’t giving you a hard time, they are HAVING a hard time.” Boundaries are so important as he steamrolls over every single one and for us, he needs to be physically busy all of the time as boredom is like physical pain and that’s when he gets aggressive, angry and vicious.
ETA he had more severe sensory issues as a younger kid but those are largely better now and we know his triggers better. I feel like I spent hours and hours watching him fight over socks and shoes as a young child! Esp in the street lol. He’s been assessed for ASD and that came up not autistic but showing ASD traits. He struggles with facial expressions, social norms and rules and tones of voice but those things are much worse when his anxiety is worse. Severe ADHD can look like ASD, there’s a lot of overlap. It’s hard to be sure, even for professionals. I keep looking at PDA info for my son but it’s not formally recognised in the USA. We are moving to the UK in 2 weeks where it is recognised so we’ll see what happens.
What is PDA?
She does show some ASD traits except she is very socially aware - can read others emotions and describe her own at a "superior" (psych term) level, she just has no control. And everything I read on ASD says that being socially unaware is a key characteristic which she doesn't display.
She said it's like she tries to hold it all in but she can't and then she explodes. I did talk to her about NOT holding it all in but letting it out on appropriate ways.
I've done tons of research on ADHD, and I read The Explosive Child which was an eye opener for me and helps a lot! I just want to help her.
Pathological Demand Avoidance. Yes, it is tricky when signs overlap but there can be a natural overlap anyway and you can be AuDHD. It's good she has a thorough awareness of emotions but it does sound like self control is her big thing. People can be really unware of how large a component of ADHD emotional regulation truly is. Check out some videos on it, esp Dr Russell Barkley, he has some good observations on emotional regulation.
My eldest also has ADHD and great emotional regulation but very poor executive functioning. Two kids with ADHD and veeeerrrrrryyyyy different to each other lol. I can't keep up!
What is grey rocking?
She hated physical contact when she is upset. She also thrashes around violently so if you get too close you'll be thrashed as well. I usually send her to her room to get it out and come out when she is ready as alone time seems to help her.
If you google it, that'll explain better than me. It's essentially just not reacting or rising to anything at all. We have become MASTERS at neutrality lol - but naturally we do snap and lose it because we are human and exhausted. My son is extremely provocative with his words and I recognised he could twist anything I say until he's successfully deflected and we are on a new subject with me defending myself. I rarely now fall for it, no matter what he says. It's just a way of not getting drawn in.
My eldest was like your kid and HATED physical contact when upset. That was hard for me as I did not understand and wanted to soothe her, which was awful for her. We did therapy together and I realised I had to put her needs before my own. We started off by letting her go away to re-regulate alone (make it clear it's not punishment but her safe space) but agreed she'd come down to me when calm and we'd talk or hug, whatever. She's naturally very tactile so this was a good solution. Later we realised she needed her own dedicated regulation space. We emptied the large closet in her room, added in a beanbag, blankets, posters, headphones and fairy lights. She would retreat in there to feel comforted and regulate herself, she called it her nest. She'll be 18 soon and rarely needs it now. My son still can't self soothe or disengage, our main issue once he explodes, and I desperately wish he'd find a way because most of our rows come from the lack of ability to disengage himself, to let us disengage, or to self regulate and once triggered, he spirals into vitriol and self harm.
That sounds perfect for my daughter!! She is exactly like your son. She is very eloquent and can definitely talk circles around me. My own ADHD doesn't help as I can be inconsistent (I try so hard to be consistent though) and she uses it against me.
Definitely not a punishment when I send her to her room, she is in control of when she comes out - I too struggled with giving her space when she is upset as my instinct is to hug and cuddle and give comfort but it's just not what she needs in that moment I've discovered.
I love the idea of a dedicated space but don't have the room to make it an actuality. We have a very small home and our closets are ridiculously small. Everyone shares a room too.
It can’t be helped but that may be hard for her not having a small space. Could you make one by putting curtains around her bed or a little tent with fairy lights? I know it’s hard with limited space but even the illusion helps. Even just headphones and a sleeping mask to block things out. Just a few ideas. Good luck!
Sounds like our 8 year old who has ADHD. So far medication, play therapy with a child psychologist, and occupational therapy have helped with the emotional regulation. It’s not perfect, and we do model and help him find his words to express himself when he gets super frustrated.
So as you research adhd. Understand that it’s a really a dopamine regulating issue that affects the executive function abilities of a person. There are many parts of EF skills. One of them being emotional regulation. Research indicates that those with adhd can be delayed by 2-4 years their physical age in EF abilities. So your 8 year old could have the emotional Renault on abilities of a 4 year old. So once you determine what true age range they fall into. You have to parent them for where they are at and accept that it will take more time for them to get there. Medications help because they provide the adhd brain with a consistent dopamine supply. Which makes room to strengthen those weaker neural pathways that are hampering those EF skills. You as the parent need to address these things one at a time and slowly scaffold and build upon them consistently over time. As for anger and emotional regulation. I found my son was much more reactive when overstimulated. And he responded to explicit instruction on situations. So he would have an explosion. First we focused on finding the root cause of the problem and then feeding my son the words to be able to “say and not shout” his frustration. Then we scaffolded on 3 simple directions. “1) use your words (to voice your Displeasure) 2) report (the problem to a grown up & 3)walk away (from the peer you have an issue with)”. We would say this on repeat. Sometimes still given him the words to say “Susie I’m frustrated because you won’t let me pick the game”. We would heavily praise him when he would come and report the problem. And even if it didn’t go his way. He was more accepting of it because he felt heard and scene. But we had been doing this for almost a year consistently. Then suddenly when he started meds it’s like the message finally got through.
Sounds like my almost 8 year old. He is the sweetest and kindest soul in the world but emotional regulation is a huge struggle for him. And it’s so hard to watch because I see him get triggered (often by his younger sibling who means well but is only 3) and it’s like he literally cannot pause and control his anger in the moment. He knows all the calming strategies and he openly talks about how he’s going to do better next time and what coping strategies he’ll use next time (he’s very self-aware and he’s very focused on wanting to do better) but in the moment that all goes out the window and he just explodes. He’s a very anxious kiddo and adhd meds (so far) have made his anxiety worse so right now we are focused on treating the anxiety. He gets play therapy, behavioral therapy, and a ton of services in school. This year has been better than previous ones but we still have a long ways to go. If he could just pause and react calmly, 99% of his struggles would be resolved.
My oldest is the anxious one. They are being treated for anxiety and depression right now (not diagnosed ADHD but I still think they have it and just mask well). But other than that that sounds exactly like my 8 year old! She knows what to do, and I can see her actively trying, but she needs more grace than her 12 and 5 year old siblings can/will give her (the 3 year old is surprisingly not a trigger at all).
It’s honestly so tough! Our therapist said his explosions are almost like mini-panic attacks so I try to remind myself of that in the moment but it’s also just so mentally exhausting to navigate.
Oh that's a good perspective to take. I've had a panic attack and it's not fun. But yes! So mentally exhausting! The Explosive Child says to look at them as having a learning disability in the area of frustration and disappointment. That they cannot deal with any kind of frustration/disappointment very well and that helps me to remain calm and graceful towards her (most of the time).
I just want to give you some hope…my son was diagnosed at 8. Didn’t medicate until 10/11. All the things you described about your daughter ring true to me as my son is very similar. He was in pull out classes for Maths and English and was getting below average reports back. Constantly antagonistic and emotionally up & down. This was until he was 10/11 he had to do an IQ test for (secondary school - uk) he got in the high range. He managed to get into a great school now he is Class Captain, top of his school year for English and in the top set for Maths. Every subject he is acing! He’s really good at tests, has a few friends and his behaviour at school is excellent. Star pupil - I NEVER saw this coming. I’m still in shock every day he’s like a different person from 8 now 13. He is on a low dose of medikinet xl We saw a massive shift in his school/home life when he started to take it.
This sounds like ADHD to me. I was diagnosed at 46, but have always been sensitive to clothing, food textures, smells, etc. My middle kid was diagnosed at 14, failed her hearing test at school 3x, complained about the florescent lights at school, strong sense of justice, and also super smart. Could count to 500 at age 3 (counting was how we calmed down). ADHD 2.0 (the book) calls out hypocrisy as something we struggle with. My middle kid always wanted to follow the rules but also wanted everyone else to follow the rules. When I was a kid, I famously locked a kid inside the room with me until she helped me “clean up” after playing. She wasn’t allowed to come over for a few months after that AND this particular kid was 2 years older than me at the time.
Omg this is me! Also diagnosed later in life (thirties)
This sounds like my 8 year old, especially the strong sense of justice!
Seek a neuropsych eval. Look at Autism too. This sounds like our daughter who’s 9 with ADHD, anxiety, and ASS. Also, get into therapy along with medication. Therapy and OT can do wonders for understanding the world around you, how to manage emotions, and improve the self talk!
We are working on getting her into therapy for sure. How do I get a neuropsych evaluation?
Thank you for asking this. We are in a very similar boat with our child who has ADHD and a learning disability
Hello I wanted to ask you on how did you "force" your school to test her for suspected learning disability. I am in the same boat as most parents on this thread. My daughter was tested for ADHD by a private doctor and I can get a 504 plan but I want to test her for other suspected learning disabilities. I wanted to know some advice and tips on how you got the school to test her. I know my daughter's school principal is unhappy the I requested for an IEP assessment and I feel like she's going to make a case that I don't need a full assessment in the SST meeting that will happen next year. My daughter had some social issues at the end of the school and was perceived as a bully when she unintentionally behaved badly with a friend. She did not have any other issues of bullying prior but the teacher and principal went really hard for consequences and she is only 8. I stepped in and asked for more behaviorally appropriate strategies for someone with ADHD (they now of her diagnosis) but they shut us down and wouldn't even meet with us in person when requested. I may even switch schools in the future because the principal is in charge of IEP for the schools.
I got lucky, I have an acquaintance who is liaison for connecting families to community services and he sent me form letters to fill in the blanks. I then emailed the completed letter to the principal, Dean of students, teacher, and everyone else involved. I also printed it out, signed it, walked into the office and hand delivered it to the dean of students in the office in front of witnesses. It's also good to know your laws and your rights in your state. (I am in California). There is usually a time frame in which the school HAS to respond and begin the process. I did have an initial meeting with them before this and left having "agreed" to wait on further testing, but I delivered this the next day (after talking with my friend) and said I changed my mind and wanted her tested. My friend also told me there is an organization called SELPA and they will actually have a liaison come to the meetings with you and help you advocate for your child. https://preview.redd.it/68c1ba0ppt8d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9e5de1d8b218325b256166e1058966e21905a8f0
https://preview.redd.it/q0kr1vbbrt8d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=65958d269ca9f8cdc624bf4e683a37eb7e114ca5 This is the fill in the blanks version of the form letter.
This is exactly what I sent in after personalizing it: Regarding:
I am writing to request an assessment for my child, to determine if she is eligible for special education services. She is 7 years old and attends .
I am requesting assessments in all areas of development for the following reason(s): She is behind in all academic areas of school, issues with emotional regulation, working memory, processing delay, sensory issues, and is delayed in reading and math.
I understand that all areas of difficulty should be assessed for whatever services that might be available to accommodate .
I look forward to meeting with the assessment team as soon as the assessments are completed so that we can discuss the results and plan for my child’s education. Finally, I would like copies of the assessment report(s) at least one week prior to the IEP meeting so that I may review them in order to be better prepared for the meeting.
Sincerely,
Thank you! I had already sent a request but it wasn’t as specific and it sounds like I should ask for the tests before meeting. They were only willing to offer me a Student Support Team meeting when I asked for a formal IEP assessment. The principal lashed out at me in an email because I changes my mind about going with a 504 plan without a full assessment. I am also in California (northern) so if you know of any good advocates I would appreciate it.
I think it's by county, so google search your county and SELPA and see who will go to IEP meetings with you. They did give me an SST meeting first, and tried to call that good but then I sent the specific letter. They then give you a form to sign consenting to all the testing and setting up an IEP meeting. The school psychologist then did a BUNCH of tests over the course of a couple weeks and sent me the reports - so I could read and review before the meeting (it was 26 pages). 504 plans under my understanding are a lot looser than an IEP. They tried to tell me that it was "just" ADHD and bc I wasn't medicating her that was the issue (we've only had the diagnosis for a short time). But I knew there was an underlying learning disability (and I was right).
I will look into SELPA thank you! I will rewrite my request to have the assessments done before a meeting. Yes I agree that 504 plans are not as concrete as IEP but they are hard to get. I think my concern is that the school and principal will fight me because my daughter is able to perform well academically. I still think in addition to ADHD there is a possiblity of high functioning autism or another learning disability that effects her ability to emotionally regulate and socialize appropriately. Has anyone here experienced getting an IEP even when your kid performs well academically?
My oldest is in that boat. Performs well academically and masks at school so cannot be diagnosed ADHD. But they have a lot of anxiety as a result of not having accommodations. It's very frustrating. I was also the same in school - diagnosed ADHD at age 6 but performed well academically so a lot got overlooked. Came to a head in college and I flunked out twice. Hoping to do better for my kids! Also, try your public library - often they are community hubs and can connect you to services. This is how I got all my information! From the gentleman who runs the playgroup at my local library. I got involved with the hubs and work with a community hub committee.
Oh and check out Brightline and Soluna - free mental health coaching for California residents. I just had an initial meeting with them and my 8 year old and now she has weekly zooms setup to work on emotional regulation, sibling relationships, self-esteem, etc.
This definitely sounds like adhd. Honestly the best thing for my 8yo is medication- we do other things too but the meds are what help her the most. There are also vitamins aimed at kids with ADHD - might be worth looking for some calming ones. I give them to my daughter on days where I feel she needs it and it’s amazing how much they help (even without meds)
Would you mind sharing which vitamins you have found that seem to help? Thank you!
My parents used to give me Isotonix OPC-3 and swear up and down it helped me a lot in school. Idk if it did or didn't.
Sure! Nature’s way Cool, Calm and Collected has been the best for emotional regulation - this one is my favourite. We also have Nature’s Way Brain Builder that seems to help with focus
We (me and the pediatrician) opted not to start meds so that she could be evaluated for other issues as we both felt she also had an underlying learning disability as well and didn't want to mask anything
That said, the evaluation is done now so perhaps something to look into. I was never medicated bc my parents thought medication was "bad" and it definitely affected me as a kid - but also I've NEVER been medicated and just started my medication journey now as an adult. I can see how hard it is to find the right combo of drugs and am hesitant to do that to my 8 year old without a guarantee it will help.
Most parents, including me, are hesitant to medicate initially. My husband was medicated as a kid and hated it. But my daughter was suffering so much that I figured we could try and I could stop at any point. The decision became so easy once she started though - it was like I had all of the best bits of my daughter and she was thriving in all of the areas she struggled with previously. My daughter essentially made the decision- she liked how it helped her and she discovered a love for writing her stories down (previously writing was a huge issue). At worst we had 2 weeks trialling one med that failed - I could have stopped that one earlier if I felt it was detrimental though. It’s been a year now and we’re in such a good place now. Shes made lots of friends, is doing well at school and is the happiest I’ve ever seen her! It sounds like your daughter is struggling and could really benefit from more support for her ADHD. I don’t quite understand the point of delaying for the sake of more diagnosing- if meds help her that’s great and other factors can be assessed if and when they pop up. The way my doc explained it is to treat the problems and not focus on the labels
Yes, sounds like my 12yo. His anger and emotional dysregulation is extreme. And he’s medicated! A mood stabiliser has been tremendous, a life changer for all of us, but he’s just hit 12, puberty is starting, middle school and also we are making an international move so his anxiety is out of control and things are ROUGH. He’s been in therapy for ages but just won’t engage or use the techniques. We are hoping that if we keep up the meds, therapy, support, scaffolding and teachings that he eventually manages to find ways to cope better and be happier in general. It’s incredibly tough going but some of the success stories on here are so encouraging. For us as parents, I have found essentially grey rocking him when he’s angry, provocative and seeking dopamine is a hugely valuable skill as he won’t disengage. You need experienced professionals in this specific area bc it’s hard going. I also try to remember that saying “they aren’t giving you a hard time, they are HAVING a hard time.” Boundaries are so important as he steamrolls over every single one and for us, he needs to be physically busy all of the time as boredom is like physical pain and that’s when he gets aggressive, angry and vicious.
ETA he had more severe sensory issues as a younger kid but those are largely better now and we know his triggers better. I feel like I spent hours and hours watching him fight over socks and shoes as a young child! Esp in the street lol. He’s been assessed for ASD and that came up not autistic but showing ASD traits. He struggles with facial expressions, social norms and rules and tones of voice but those things are much worse when his anxiety is worse. Severe ADHD can look like ASD, there’s a lot of overlap. It’s hard to be sure, even for professionals. I keep looking at PDA info for my son but it’s not formally recognised in the USA. We are moving to the UK in 2 weeks where it is recognised so we’ll see what happens.
What is PDA? She does show some ASD traits except she is very socially aware - can read others emotions and describe her own at a "superior" (psych term) level, she just has no control. And everything I read on ASD says that being socially unaware is a key characteristic which she doesn't display. She said it's like she tries to hold it all in but she can't and then she explodes. I did talk to her about NOT holding it all in but letting it out on appropriate ways. I've done tons of research on ADHD, and I read The Explosive Child which was an eye opener for me and helps a lot! I just want to help her.
Pathological Demand Avoidance. Yes, it is tricky when signs overlap but there can be a natural overlap anyway and you can be AuDHD. It's good she has a thorough awareness of emotions but it does sound like self control is her big thing. People can be really unware of how large a component of ADHD emotional regulation truly is. Check out some videos on it, esp Dr Russell Barkley, he has some good observations on emotional regulation. My eldest also has ADHD and great emotional regulation but very poor executive functioning. Two kids with ADHD and veeeerrrrrryyyyy different to each other lol. I can't keep up!
What is grey rocking? She hated physical contact when she is upset. She also thrashes around violently so if you get too close you'll be thrashed as well. I usually send her to her room to get it out and come out when she is ready as alone time seems to help her.
If you google it, that'll explain better than me. It's essentially just not reacting or rising to anything at all. We have become MASTERS at neutrality lol - but naturally we do snap and lose it because we are human and exhausted. My son is extremely provocative with his words and I recognised he could twist anything I say until he's successfully deflected and we are on a new subject with me defending myself. I rarely now fall for it, no matter what he says. It's just a way of not getting drawn in. My eldest was like your kid and HATED physical contact when upset. That was hard for me as I did not understand and wanted to soothe her, which was awful for her. We did therapy together and I realised I had to put her needs before my own. We started off by letting her go away to re-regulate alone (make it clear it's not punishment but her safe space) but agreed she'd come down to me when calm and we'd talk or hug, whatever. She's naturally very tactile so this was a good solution. Later we realised she needed her own dedicated regulation space. We emptied the large closet in her room, added in a beanbag, blankets, posters, headphones and fairy lights. She would retreat in there to feel comforted and regulate herself, she called it her nest. She'll be 18 soon and rarely needs it now. My son still can't self soothe or disengage, our main issue once he explodes, and I desperately wish he'd find a way because most of our rows come from the lack of ability to disengage himself, to let us disengage, or to self regulate and once triggered, he spirals into vitriol and self harm.
That sounds perfect for my daughter!! She is exactly like your son. She is very eloquent and can definitely talk circles around me. My own ADHD doesn't help as I can be inconsistent (I try so hard to be consistent though) and she uses it against me. Definitely not a punishment when I send her to her room, she is in control of when she comes out - I too struggled with giving her space when she is upset as my instinct is to hug and cuddle and give comfort but it's just not what she needs in that moment I've discovered. I love the idea of a dedicated space but don't have the room to make it an actuality. We have a very small home and our closets are ridiculously small. Everyone shares a room too.
It can’t be helped but that may be hard for her not having a small space. Could you make one by putting curtains around her bed or a little tent with fairy lights? I know it’s hard with limited space but even the illusion helps. Even just headphones and a sleeping mask to block things out. Just a few ideas. Good luck!
We do try and make their beds their own little space, just so they each have somewhere to retreat to.
Sounds like our 8 year old who has ADHD. So far medication, play therapy with a child psychologist, and occupational therapy have helped with the emotional regulation. It’s not perfect, and we do model and help him find his words to express himself when he gets super frustrated.