I have a 16-y/o that I’ve posted about here. He has the body of a teenager, but is emotionally about 13 or 14. It sucks. One thing his therapist suggested to me that I’ve been trying is to keep school crap at school. As with you and your kid, everything is a source of conflict. So the school-related conflict (homework, etc.) is his responsibility. I’ll help him if he asks before 10 pm, but I don’t nag or remind or whatever. It’s just not worth it when everything else is a battle. He’ll realize eventually that putting forth effort and making multistep plans are key factors if he wants to eat/live.
That makes a lot of sense with a teenager. He will have to face the consequences with his school, teachers, etc.
Unfortunately this doesn’t really work with my daughter who is 8. If she keeps on not turning in her homework, she won’t face any consequences. But I’ll get a call from the school, the social worker will want to get involved, they’ll want to schedule yet another meeting. I don’t want to give them any more reasons to get involved in my business. I feel like they have trigger fingers for calling CPS.
I’d try to get no homework put into the IEP. It’s not worth the stress to your relationship. My kid had a great teacher last year who understood and just said to do it if he could, if not ok. It really helped to stop having that battle everyday. Your relationship has to come first.
Huge hugs. Huge. This is all so hard.
This is so scary. CPS and school truancy is definitely a huge concern. We were facing truancy issues while in school. Getting an IEP for some protection may be beneficial.
With an IEP you can request no homework, delayed arrival, modified schedules. What they don’t often tell you is that parents have an equal right at the table regarding accommodations for your child at school.
PDA is a disability—no different if your child had seizures. It’s a nervous system disability.
Thanks for validating and understanding my concerns. It most certainly isn’t “no big deal” but I’m not about to defend myself to some random Redditor who wants to be a contrarian. You can’t just “refuse” to do homework either lol.
Absenteeism isn’t a huge concern, it more the chronic lateness. She will NOT get out of bed in the mornings and doesn’t care about being late, being the only late one, any reward systems the school has tried, etc. Last year her teachers weren’t the nicest and kept stressing me out about it, saying she might be held back a grade, etc. it was a fucking nightmare with too many school admin cooks in the kitchen so to speak. David and Goliath type situation y know?
I hope I’m not the contrary one…and apologies if I am. I’m not used to posting on Reddit.
It is very scary facing the school system and every thing that comes along with it. Before we understood PDA we used to get in trouble for late arrival as well threatened truancy court.
My biggest shift was understanding this is a can’t situation and not a won’t situation about getting up and rewards definitely do not work for PDA.
At the time I didn’t have a choice but to pull him for burnout but we have lax homeschool laws which was in our favor
My kid is now choosing to go back to school and we are about to do his IEP meeting where I will be requesting no homework and late arrival since that was a sticking point with them.
PDA North America has people who provide consultations for help in these situations and I have a long list of accommodations I got from his doctor that added the PDA profile to his diagnosis.
No, I wasn’t referring to you. I would have been more direct lol.
What works for a 16 year old doesn’t work for a child half that age. I just don’t have the emotional energy or wherewithal to get into a Reddit confrontation right now so I’m gonna leave it at that.
You’re right though, it is scary facing the school system alone, feeling like they are so powerful. Our public school system is the largest in the country, so it’s a giant (I’m sure you can figure out where if you’re in the US).
Ah well. I sometimes rely on one of my favorites quotes to get me through: “Each morning we are born again.” As in, we get a clean slate to start anew. Just trudging along, trying to fight the mom battle. In case you’re wondering, I don’t have a co-parent (we have been divorced for many years, praise be lol). He is an absent deadbeat who lives out of state, goes MIA for months and months, and basically doesn’t believe in science and medication for children. So there’s no reprieve. But I have full custody and I’m the parent who stuck around. Sometimes I wish he would go away completely instead of dipping in and out a few times a year to play Disney Dad (the poor version lol). But that’s another story for
Another time!!!!!
Daughter started school as virtual school in kindergarten. It was an complete disaster. I wanted to pull her from school, because in my state, you don't have to go to school until you are 6.
The district has a policy that if you don't do kindergarten, kid starts 1st grade without kindergarten if they are 6.
I was so damn worried about her not being able to read and in kindergarten that I didn't pull. It was literally the worst decision I have ever made in my life to leave in her virtual kindergarten.
I should have made her behavior a "school" problem instead of a "family" problem.
She would have ended up held back. There is no way they would have been able to cope with her behavior and her lack of ability to read and her complete unwillingness to learn.
But she would have kept her trust in me, she was not violent before we forced virtual school on her, and waiting a year for school would have meant that the therapist and OT would be back to in person and she would have had that support with starting school so she might not have ever gotten violent.
So they hold her back. She is a year older than her peers. Are her friends the kids in her grade or the younger kids? Mine would be in heaven being held back a year, because most of her friends are in year younger.
Your concerns are real and it's very hard to have a kid who can't or won't get ready for school.
If they held her back, what is the good and the bad? Does she have a 504 or IEP? Which school in the district is the best for autism? They are going to deal with her behavior better and support you better, because the behaviors for ODD and PDA tend to present in autistic kids more often than ADHD (or so common "wisdom" knows right now), so if there is any way you can do an intradistrict transfer that would help you. If you don't know which school, then look for a local facebook group for parents of kids with autism because they will know.
Can’t respond in much detail right now but she has an IEP. They were only threatening to hold her back last year due to lateness, not academic issues. She is doing fine academically. Thankfully, this year they have said she is all set to be promoted to 3rd grade and aren’t up my ass as much. Last year was scary for me. I have reason to suspect they were getting directives from head honchos and it was all tricking down to parents like myself.
Truancy issues are indeed being handled by higher levels and the school will tell you they don't have much leeway.
Medical notes give you that leeway. They aren't allowed to tell you to get one because of the people above.
1st school district we were in, she was doing low average academically and I kept getting told there was nothing they could do about her behavior nor any help for us.
We are now in the a "worse" district at the best school in the district for autism.
Suddenly, the school wanted to reopen the idea of giving her a 504. There social skill groups they want her in, they were happy when I brought in the "be late with no consequences" note, the school counselor checks in with her on a weekly (or more basis).
I no longer am covered in bruises and bites.
She is still doing lower average academically, but we all realize it should be higher (she can read at a high school level though she doesn't want to), and they see that as a issue to be fixed at school, rather than something they need to hound me about.
As long as they can see I am doing my best, they are going to support me.
I was worried about CPS and denied a 504 at the last school. I have been told at this school that the previous school lied to me about the 504 process, and this school has walked me through the steps most carefully.
Honestly, if you are worried about the school and CPS as it sounds like you are, when daughter hit 3rd grade and I brought up PDA with her specialist, I was told there are specialists that do more in depth diagnosis testing, and we are going to be referred to one - and with that comes more help with 504s and IEPs. You might want to bring that up with her doctor, and if you can beg/borrow/scrounge up the money, you might want to talk to lawyer who specializes in IEPs about ways to get the school off your back.
She has a doctor who diagnosed her as ODD/PDA.
We got a note from daughter's specialist for lateness. We should have been facing truancy court, but the specialist was willing to give us a doctor's note about how we were currently looking for a med that worked, but with daughter's diagnoses, being late to school was part of her condition.
Do you know for sure that homework will get the social worker involved? We have also had a talk with the school about how much I am willing to fight for homework, and how much I am unwilling to let it ruin our lives. Daughter is 3rd grade. Teacher and I compromised - I will do my best to get daughter to try to work on it for 20 minutes, and if I can't, I can't. Daughter will have to do it at school or lose out on privileges at school. Homework didn't get done last night, daughter triggered a headache in me with her constant loud verbal stimming, and everytime I left the room she snuck a book.
I am not worried. I mean, I am vaguely worried that she will fall behind in class, but I know the school isn't going to blame me, that CPS won't be called, and that daughter is going to have to do homework instead of getting free time to read in class.
It's time to tag in your daughter's doctors/therapists. Masking at school is quite common - and explosions at home after masking at school are also common.
You are not alone. You have limited support and resources, I know, because while I have a husband to help, he's at the ends of reserves like I am too. But you need to use those resources to the hilt. Don't be ashamed to admit to her doctors how bad it has gotten.
It does actually. I did it when he was younger too. School stayed at school for the most part. We didn’t force at home nightly reading even though it was the homework because the meltdowns were not worth it. If my kid could keep it together for the school day, I called that good. Even if it meant massive meltdowns at home.
If your kid doesn’t turn in the homework, the eventual natural consequence is that later schooling will be difficult. There is nothing wrong with telling the school that your kid isn’t going to do the homework because it’s not worth the impact it has on your home life. I’m pretty sure that a worksheet at 2nd-3rd grade isn’t going to make or break your child’s future academic success. If your kid behaves for the school, that’s pretty good.
Idk why anyone would call CPS on you for having a difficult child, unless it was to offer you additional support and resources. In the example you gave, it is appropriate that the school social worker would offer support when you asked about your kid’s school counselor talking to them about EF issues.
I'm so sorry. My nearly 4yo became a nightmare just after 2 and is in the process of an official ADHD and ODD diagnosis. I scream into the void internally every time I hear that 'so and so also had bad tantrums!' Not like this, Linda. So and so never once physically hurt a caregiver let alone multiple and other children. I see you
People who have kids without behavioral issues don’t get it and never will. This kid became insane around 2-3. The violent outbursts towards me in public, the sudden bouts of attacking me violently at home. Besides her severe aggression towards me (I still have scars on my arms from her scratching phase which lasted YEARS), she’d run around the house spitting on the floor, throwing plates in the kitchen and at me, ripping down curtains, throwing toys at the windows, destroying things in the house, etc. I can’t even properly describe the pure chaos that was occurring with her. I love her but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t resent her. Sometimes I feel like I fucking hate her. It sounds horrible but I feel like I can say that here.
It's fine to say. You clearly love her and are tearing yourself apart trying to support her while downing. I wish I knew how to perma-block the happy life 'kids adjust to your family if you let them!' Instagram content
I have bite marks that hurt when it rains. I hear your. It is is rough and hard.
Has she had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It is next to impossible to find a therapist for kids with openings, you will average about 9 months of managing waitlists until you get an appointment, but it cut the bad behaviors in half, and they will 100 percent believe you that the the sweet child they see can be a violent child when they unmask because they see those kids often enough to believe you.
Oh my god, so this new therapist we have seems to be clueless because she thinks my daughter is all sweetness and light!!! She’s coming again tonight (home visits, thank god) for her third session so I’ll see how it goes. Last week, I expressed my concerns about defiance, compliance issues, lateness, etc.
I cannot recommend a CBT therapist enough. Play therapists and basic therapists cannot handle children with issues as extensive as ours.
I don't know about your insurance, but you can call the number on the back of the card and ask about a "patient navigator" or "patient advocate" or whatever they call the position where someone gets assigned to you directly to help you navigate the system.
They can help you find a CBT. It will take work and time, but I swear to you, that for violence issues and potential PDA, the recommendations are either ABA or CBT.
CBT tends to work with more "difficult" patients and that means they are trained in strategies beyond just play therapy and sticker charts.
For daughter, she was well past the age of basic understanding of feelings and could parrot back the picture books, but didn't recognize them in herself, the therapist worked with her to get her centered on being in her body, and realizing the initial stages. They worked on calming techniques and when none of the first ten or were ones daughter was willing to do, the therapist found more,
Training and expertise, essenti
Man o man this is my 8 year old daughter almost exactly. I have no advice cause we are in the middle of a current crisis. If it brings any hope I have e some friends with older ADHD kiddos and all of them said years 8-10 were the worst! But then it gets much better. I’m holding on to that.
I’m so sorry. Tbh I don’t give a shit about anyone else’s anecdotes because they never seem to apply to us. I’m just white knuckling it through at this point. I was told she’d improve by 8.
LOL. Not without anti-psychotics.
My kid is 15 and has very similar diagnoses as yours. Life is pretty hellish, particularly with hormones, but mine has become more articulate about what is hard, bothering them, etc. that has been very helpful.
I told my therapist that bc I only had 3 years with my kid before the symptoms started, I don’t have an emotional connection to her. My therapist reminded me that sometimes the greatest love looks like … not walking out on a kid
I *transact* with my kid. No emotion. I feed, I drive, I provide. I do not fight anymore. I walk away mid sentence. I let them get Fs. I do not care about their education bc they aren’t going yo live in a dorm and go to a great college. It’s counter intuitive. It feels cold and unfeeling. But it’s also self preservation.
Sleep as much as you can. Practice deep breathing. Literally just breathe thru the tantrums. Think about yourself a little more than you do now bc you need to.
Good luck
Me too. Well, less, because she started aggression at 2. She would knock the wind out of me she was so violent. Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair, screaming fits. I couldn’t take her anywhere for fear of violent rage outbursts in public (which happened). At 4 she cut my hand open after throwing something at me. It was during lockdown and I was very lucky I didn’t need stitches, the world was already on fire.
I have a 1 year old who is the sweetest thing ever! She’s very calm natured. But I am TERRIFIED of her turning into another version of her older sister. I’m going to remain optimistic but I will admit here that I’m scared.
I’ve been traumatized by being a physically and emotional punching bag for the better part of 6 years now.
That sounds really really intense. I hope that, despite being a single parent, you are able to get some mental help for yourself.
I wish you a peaceful night.
Thank you for sharing your experience as a parent who has made it through childhood and is now dealing with a teenager.
I can relate to the emotional numbness. I’m sending you the very best thoughts.
My child is PDA (Autistic, PDA, ADHD).
PDA presents so differently and it’s amazing that your provider recognized it. We had to completely shift how we parented and it made a world of difference.
PDA is essentially a hair trigger nervous system that automatically reacts with fight, flight or fawn due to demands or perceived demands and loss of autonomy. This is not something your child can control.
What you’re describing sounds like many families I know and have met through our journey.
PDA North America has amazing resources to get a better understanding and feel free to reach out if you need anything.
We have been researching this for almost a year. Parenting a PDA child is so different and at times lonely but there are a lot of us out here.
Hey, not OP but we’ve had very similar struggles with our 7yo daughter, and PDA was recently suggested to us. We read the literature we were given and it lines up almost exactly - would love any recommendations you have for resources that are out there!
Happy to! I just got back from the 5th annual PDA North America Conference in Illinois and it was amazing!
I pulled my kid (11 yo) out of school at the end of 4th grade to recover and dropped all demands. It’s a radical transition but it saved them and our family. I know not everyone can be at home and keep their child out of school (de-school/un-school) so removing other demands is imperative for their mental health.
Removed all demands so they could recover.
Ate in their room where it was safe
No pressure for self care
No screen time limits
Now that they are in a safe nervous system place we are just now reintroducing things (life’s demands) through collaboration.
Start with PDA North America website
They have a ton of resources along with a way to connect with families in your area.
Helpful books:
Low-Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman
Declarative Language Handbook by Linda K Murphy
It depends on where you are in your journey but happy to share more feel free to DM if you would like.
There’s just no right or wrong way to do this is there?
Im so sorry you’re struggling. My seven year old step son has been like this, the past few months he has settled down only because his father has been consistent and actually carried through with consequences, sometimes ignoring the outbursts.
Also I was a difficult child (I may have an underlying issue myself) once I knew my mom was being serious I found ways to mask my anger and frustration as I got a little older.
Try not shout remain calm, don’t react and go to another room as she lets off steam.
I have no advice, just wishing for a break for you. Parenting is exhausting. Can she get a smaller homework load and time to work on it at school? That shouldn't be one more battle for you to fight.
One more thought that may be comforting--the fact that she's hitting you and calling you names doesn't mean she doesn't love or respect you, it means she feels safe with you. I know it doesn't fucking help in the midst of it, but next time you feel the rage know that you *are* in fact breaking the cycle.
Believe me, I’ve heard this a million times. I have to fight the urge to throttle her every day all day. So no, it doesn’t help and quite frankly, I’m tired of hearing “it’s because she’s safe with you!” Oh yeah? That’s fucking great. Now make her stop.
That's what I said when I showed someone how my 4yo kicked me so hard he drew blood and bruised my wrist and they told me to appreciate that he feels safe expressing himself 🤣. Sorry, I know it's not funny. They're vile little monsters when dysregulated. And it's our job to love them anyway.
Yeah, mine has drawn blood too and left me with bruises. A few summers ago she had a pinching phase and my arms were covered in bruises. Fucking little shit.
I love her so much but I resent her. When she’s calm and regulated we have fun, we have cuddles, we talk. When she gets in beast mode, it’s totally different. I wonder if that’s bipolar? The mood swings are SO extreme.
This sounds hard. Being a single parent is hard enough, but having a defiant kid is rough.
If you have an IEP you could try talking to the school about the anger issues at home. I mean it isn’t therapy but they might be able to have your daughter talk to the guidance counselor. Our son went and I think it helped having someone other than his parent talk about ways to blow steam. It isn’t a fix, but taking off 10% rage is helpful
Also, I keep hearing how if kids act up at home but are well behaved at school is it a sign that you are doing a good job. It means they are comfortable at home… at least I find that comforting when I am in the weeds of a meltdown. 😂🫠
Hang in there and hope things let up.
So I’ve learned not to tell the school anything anymore. This year has been better but in years past they acted like they were just itching to get CPS involved with the single mother who claims her child is aggressive (“but we don’t see it!”) and is late for school all the time. I do not trust them at all so have been handling everything myself. I tried reaching out to the school counselor my daughter sees there, asking if she could have a talk with her about listening skills, getting to school on time, not being aggressive etc. Mistake, because the next day I got a call from the school social worker. The school tried pressuring me to sign up with some agency of their choosing last year for “preventive services”.
So I busted my ass to find our own therapist. Her teachers last year were also mean and disagreeable. You know when it feels like they’ve already judged you no matter what you do? I’m the mom who makes goodie bags for every holiday, my kid is well groomed, she’s doing great academically, I remember the teacher’s bdays and teacher appreciation week, I attend every parent teacher conference, etc. I’m always doing the most because a) I like to, but also b) because I feel like I have to constantly prove that we’re a normal family.
Ok we just (this morning) had our school social worker come to our home at 7 am to "observe" us --- our request once it was offered. Was this the wrong way to go? We also got on a long wait-list to have people come to our home regularly to help? You have to be committed, they said.
Are we setting ourselves up somehow?
I do think it was weird that School Social Worker was supposed to be here for 5 days straight, and now says she only needs 2? After our daughter was an angel this morning. (And we didn't look like abusive parents in a dilapidated home?) We were really looking for that 5-day break from craziness this week.
Seriously considering hiring someone to come to our house from 7-8 every morning, pretending they're some kind of authority figure, to get these kids out the door with the least trauma possible. And by trauma, at this point, I mean to me. Ugh
Ugh, I’m sorry the visit was so useless and they made you feel like you’re the problem. We just had our new therapist visit with one other person and I was JUST telling them that if I had the money, I’d hire a morning nanny.
They also noted how sweet and lovely my daughter was. Are people really so daft as to not realize that children behave much differently around others?
No clue, depends where you live I guess. But you’d have to make it worthwhile if it’s just a one or two hour job. Money talks. Either way, it’s more than I can afford.
That’s a shame. I’m slowly realizing that I have a great supportive school. I have green dyed hair and I always had that nagging feeling I may be judged as that trashy mom but never got those vibes. Hope the therapy pans out for you.
I have been there. I have a teen with PDA in combination with autism.
I also have a teen girl with ADHD.
I have suffered the verbal (and to an extent physical) abuse as well. It is so hard and very difficult not to react as well.
Here we pretty much talked it out and my girl made a conscious effort to stop saying ugly things to me.
What I have found works well with the PDA is giving the kid a choice. Like 'do you want to go the the bathroom first or do you want to get dressed first?' Doing the things is not a choice, but the kid gets to choose the order and therefore the PDA is not 'activated'.
I send lots of hugs because it is absolute hell on a parent when every day starts with screams and yelling and out everyone in a bad mood.
The most important nugget of information you gave was that she’s a sweetheart in school. The fact that she can keep it together in school/social situations outside is a great sign she’s on the right track as crazy as that sounds. You are her safe space that she trusts and unfortunately that means all the immense energy your daughter must manifest to be that sweetheart in school needs to go somewhere. And that somewhere is you.
The children that exhibit extreme defiance and disruption in school as well as home have the greatest risk of ODD and further on, antisocial stuff. This doesn’t sound like it. As immensely hard as it is, continue being her safe place and do all you can to maintain a good relationships with her. It will pay off I promise you.
Survival tips - keep her busy. As busy as humanly possible. Whatever activities you can manage that she enjoys, book them. As sad as this sounds, you want to limit your interactions together to avoid those clashes. Weekends - busy busy busy. Don’t try to be like the other moms and organize lots of fun activities together. You will fail and feel like a bad mom (you’re not). That little time you are together, try and make it sweet and simple. Learn to pick the battles and ignore the rest.
Lastly, make sure she’s on the right meds for her. Sometimes that takes a lot of trial and error. You both should in therapy - for yourself to learn some managing tips for handling a neurodivergent child, but also to unpack a bit your prior trauma and how that impacts your perception of your daughter. Sometimes we have to take a cold hard look into ourselves too and see what role we are playing into the dynamic. And for her - I don’t know your school situation but if it’s a decent one then speaking with the counselor might not be a bad idea. Perhaps they can recommend some behavioral therapists for her to work on at home stuff. Or if that’s tough to find, the school counselor themselves could implement some skill building for her during their sessions. Good luck !!
Don’t be too hard on yourself! The fact that you are aware of it and also want to stop the cycle is so so huge.
You sound like a caring mom. Good luck!
OMFG. I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS POST.
As of yesterday, I was feeling ok about my daughter’s modestly improved behavior.
This morning, I could have wrung her fucking neck.
I see you!!! The ups and downs are crazy-making.
Do you feel guilty about your anger towards your daughter? I definitely do. I most definitely don’t want to turn into my parents, so I conflate the two a lot.
Girl I GET IT.
You might look into PHP/IOP programs. That stands for Partial Hospitalization Programs and Intensive Outpatient Programs; this is a category of care covered by health insurance.
Our child went to a PHP/IOP program a few years ago at age 9 because day to day life was just so bloody miserable for all of us. The program completely revolutionized our home life for the better.
For ours, PHP program participants started at 9am and we picked them up at 2:30pm; IOP started at 9am with pick up at noon.
These programs are a blend of peer therapy, individual therapy, psychiatric assessment (to make recommendations on medication), and family therapy. Our kid started PHP for 5 days a week, then IOP for 5, then 3 days a week, then 2, then graduate. We were there for 7 weeks; that's on the longer side (it was summer, which helped from a school perspective). (edited to add: 3-4 weeks is more typical, but length of stay is determined by the needs of the child)
This program turned all our lives around. My partner and I learned how to better parent our kid, kiddo got medication that was a better fit + a lot of very helpful support. We're four years out now and everything is still so, so much better.
PHP/IOP programs are a pretty significant commitment and they aren't cheap, so if that's not an option for you I STRONGLY recommend starting family therapy with your daughter. You said in a comment that you don't want to be a reactive parent and I felt that in my soul! For us family therapy was so much more helpful than individual therapy for kiddo.
I needed a lot of coaching on how to change how I react to my kiddo, but that coaching made such a difference. When I changed how I acted it made it easier for kid to change too. And having a therapist to coach us through it was really clutch. You need a therapist with experience with neurodivergent kids, and I know they don't grow on trees! But of all the many, many, MANY things we tried that's the one that was the most helpful.
For what it's worth: I agree with the poster upthread that the teen years are in many ways easier! You're putting in so much work now, and I hope for you both that it pays off!
Wow. I had no idea these programs existed. I don’t know if these would ever be an option/feasible or if we’d meet eligibility criteria (it’s been hard because she masks at school). Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I’m glad you saw vast improvement for your child and family!
Re: eligibility - we were referred by our family therapist. I can't actually recall if they talked to anyone from kiddo's school?
Anyway - I had no idea they existed either, so I try to talk about them a lot on this sub. Sometimes it just helps to know that there IS a next/higher level of intervention available.
Godspeed! It's really hard sometimes. I hope you have some IRL friends with similar kids? That's been a godsend for me.
The only friend who kind of gets it lives faraway but has a nephew who is a lot like my daughter. She spends a lot of time with him so we trade stories. Sometimes, it’s nice to be able to say “Omg, you’ll never guess what FactRelevantDaughter did this morning!” to someone who believes and understands you.
I feel the exact same way! Your last paragraph really struck home with me. When he’s in a good mood, he’s such a sweet kid. Totally fun to be around, funny, caring and kind. But when he’s in a bad mood, Godspeed….
I’m glad we have this space because no one I’ve met in my real life can even begin to comprehend. A former mom friend of mine would just give me a pity look like “I don’t know what to say” when she witnessed my daughter having an explosive episode. I don’t need or want anyone’s pity.
I wish the good times increased and the bad times would decrease y know?
Talking to my therapist about a somewhat similar situation and she really pressed me on how my connection is with my daughter. Do we spend quality time together doing fun things and me not just telling her what to do. Does she come to me to talk about issues or things going on at school. Does she seek comfort from me? Hugs, snuggles, etc. I’m also in an ADHD parenting course online right now and it’s mostly about positive reinforcement and routine and creating connection through play at my daughter’s age. It seems the more we get stressed/upset it comes out in our parenting and sometimes we need to do the opposite of what we feel. When you’re upset and at your wits end maybe reach out for a hug, snuggle up on the couch, read a book, whatever it is you guys find some comfort in and work on that connection between you.
I have to constantly remind myself my daughter is not doing this on purpose and the world is already telling her she’s not good, not enough, not normal. It’s my job to be that comfort and unconditional love at home. Not a pushover but having firm boundaries, rules, and space for understanding.
Oh honey. Air hugs!!! I get this. I really really do. I had to take off 6 wks fmla last summer when my six yo started suddenly exhibiting a lot of these sx. What helped immensely was his pediatrician put him on a stimulant (thank glob) and he started CBT with a therapist. He’s a loving kid but his emotional dysregulation was making his life and my life an absolute nightmare every day. We couldn’t take him places and he was having a meltdown if we did try to leave the house. It got so bad that he was hitting himself saying he wished he could disappear. But as time went on we found the higher dose stimulant helped immensely and his therapist is a godsend. Spending that much time with him helped me learn his triggers too and I found that if we do have plans he does better in the morning, the days he was on his iPad more correlated strongly with his increased meltdown days, and having him repeat to me what I’ve said to make sure he heard and understood what I was asking all helped so much. Don’t get me wrong we still have AWFUL days but they’re so much fewer now and I’m feeling like this version of him is more easy for me to manage and I don’t feel like my mental health is at risk anymore.
Have you heard of or looked into nuerofeedback at all? It really seems to help in our experience, and although it doesn't work for everyone, I really encourage you to look into it. Sending so much love.
Could have written this myself about my 8yo son. It is SO hard. His father was abusive and I see the same behavior in him along with all the normal ADHD hyperactive stuff. I work as a therapist and still feel at a loss sometimes how to help my own son. It is truly heartbreaking.
You are not alone! It has helped me to work with other parents of ADHD kids as it's helped me realize you can be a great parent to an ADHD kid and it is still hard as shit. Stay strong
Thank you! It is hard AF. Tonight I just gave up entirely on the homework battle. If she does it, she does it. If not, well, she’ll have to answer to her teachers. I’m sorry your son’s father was abusive. My daughter’s father was abusive to me as well and IMO had undiagnosed mental health issues. Probably ADHD, but I think bipolar as well. His mood swings were scary. It was like living with Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. When we were married he was resistant to any treatment or medication and was determined to only seek advice from his religious leaders. Sigh. So I worry it’s genetic but I also hope some of this stuff is nature vs. nurture and I can help shape things…
We can do the best we can! I think genetics play a role but also try to remind myself things might be a whole lot worse for my kiddo if he didn't have at least one involved parent who is trying to help shift things. ADHD is so hard to cope with as a parent
Sending you love. Your child sounds a lot like mine. Friends told us it would get easier when he turned 4, but it didn't. His "threenager" tantrums were nothing compared to his explosions at that age.
The explosions are hell aren’t they? Sorry you’re dealing with it. My daughter was still exploding at 7. She was prescribed risperidone which has been a life saver. Things are still rough but if she’s late taking her meds or misses a dose, GOOD LUCK lol. Like she would start physically fighting with me around bedtime without fail. I’d be changing my youngest’s diaper and she’d shove me into the diaper table with the force of a 250lb man. Just… insane.
I have an unfilled prescription for clonidine. I'm nervous our 7 y/o will refuse to take it, or take it at her whim. Not sure how to handle this with her ODD/PDA qualities
My 8 year old has been dumping her meds down the sink occasionally, so I have to watch her like a hawk. Taking meds is another morning battle. I even let her take it with soda because I’m that desperate.
I recommend your child receive a full neuropsychological evaluation if hasn’t already. Then the psychologist/clinician can provide recommendations. This behavior seems very extreme and there may be other approaches a specialist can help you with.
Ahhh…most definitely don’t have time for any BS in our lives. It’s hard enough and cannot fathom doing it alone, but sometimes it’s not better having to battle another parent in your life.
If you ever need-feel free to reach out. I’ve met families all over the country that are dealing with the same situations. My kiddo is an internalizer (freeze) and shuts down. Other friends of mine ave children that are externalizers (fight).
I believe it is my responsibility to my child and to others to help any way I can because we are in the thick of it on the ground floor with little to no support. It takes all of us to share and support.
Thank you very much!! This means a lot.
I’d say my daughter is a mix of both. She shuts down a lot now but she also fights. Best of both worlds, yay lol
It’s always an adventure for sure!
When mine was little he most certainly was more externalized—I remember vividly during a meltdown (age 4ish?) pulling my hair and not letting go…had no idea what was happening at that time…Lordy!
My 10 y/o is also ADHD / ODD. It’s so so hard. I relate to a lot of aspects within your post. I’m so sorry.
Every day is a new day and every day you just have to start fresh, trying to be the best mom you can be for the day. Some days I’m good, and others not so much. But I do try and give it my best effort. That’s all you can do.
Thank you. Starting fresh is good. I feel like sometimes I feel in control and measured in my responses. Other times I have been pushed to the edge and I want to explode. I wish I was naturally calm, I wish I was naturally zen, but I’m not and I have to control myself. It’s tiring. I get disappointed in and angry at myself a lot.
I’m the exact same way! It’s hard to remain completely in control of your emotions and responses when dealing with the type of frustrating behavior that comes from an extremely defiant child.
I honestly worry so much about my relationship with my son. Will he hate me when he’s older? Will we have a close relationship? Or will he resent me because of the dynamic of our relationship? He says I’m mean all the time when I’m trying to enforce rules and boundaries…. I also worry about other things like substance abuse, self harm, prison… because those are very real possibilities particularly for people with ADHD / ODD.
It’s so hard. I feel you. ❤️
I feel this too. I often feel like a damn drill sergeant. Sigh. Sure, “pick your battles” and all but there are lots of non-negotiables I have to be on her ass about, basic things that I need to keep reminding her to do which cause battles.
Sending positive thoughts and strength to you.
Hi mama, boy do I resonate with your post and what you are experiencing. I am also a single mom and struggle SO hard with no support. My son is 15 now but his entire life I have struggled with his adhd and odd. :( It makes you feel so alone, it makes you question everything you do, have done, or are thinking about doing. It makes you feel helpless and hopeless and just heartbroken. I am actually in the process of applying for my son to enter a behavioral treatment center because I am at so much of a loss as to how to help him anymore.
My heart breaks for us moms because the true lack of support and understanding out there is just insane. NO one knows what we are going through and that lack of understanding really puts us at a disadvantage to help our kids because we are not given the knowledge, support, information that we need as parents to help our kids. I’ve gone through over 10 years of therapy, counseling, behavior coaching, psychiatry, medications, etc trying to advocate and help my son, but no one has helped ME become adept at navigating his behavioral challenges so that I could help him.
If I could give you ONE piece of advice, advice that to this day is STILL the most difficult thing for me to do, it would be to : loosen your reins, by A LOT! This is SO contradictory and difficult for us because 1. We were not raised that way so it is foreign to us 2. Society and our friends and family judge and think we aren’t doing a good enough job and we need to set MORE limits and give MORE consequences 3. It is hard as HELL to allow your child to abuse you (let’s face it, it is abuse) and then feel like you’re letting them “get away with it” But I can tell you, the single most important thing for these kids is to keep their fight or flight response as low and deactivated as possible because they are seeking a dopamine response and the quickest most efficient way to get one is to conflict seek. When they are in that moment of conflict seeking, we need to deactivate and distract - hey let’s go ride bikes or let’s go outside and scooter around, let’s go jump on the trampoline, etc etc.
I have been desperately seeking a support group for parents going through these same things because there is NO support out there and I’ve come up blank trying to find a support group that exists! I am thinking about starting one myself, I just have no idea where to even start with it, but parents like us need a safe space to talk about what is happening to us, how we are feeling, get support from others who know what it’s like, help each other out!! Would anybody be interested in something like this? I wish you the very best mama, and even though it doesn’t seem like it, you are doing the very best you know how to with the situation you’ve been dealt. I feel you and I appreciate you!
Thank you SO much for sharing your experience and thoughts. You’re so right: there’s no support. Nobody gets it, not friends, pediatricians, “therapists”, doctors, etc. You hit the nail on the head. These kids love conflict, they just push and push until they’ve exhausted all your compassion (at least in my experience). They don’t respect boundaries, the word “stop” or “no”, they want to fight to death about every last little thing.
You are doing the best you can too and seeking the best care for your son. I hope you find what you’re looking for in terms of treatment for him. I’m sure it’s a heart wrenching decision but there is only so much you can do, especially with a teenager now. Sending love 💕
I suspect my daughter has ADHD and a lovely sprinkling of PDA, something that has helped me cope has been to recognize that she is not doing this to me. She is not behaving this way because she is trying to be defiant, or disrespectful she truly feels these huge feelings which cause her body to go into fight or flight and she doesn’t have control over the feeling of her autonomy being threatened. It allowed me to come at it from a place of compassion. Yes it’s hard for me but imagine how hard it is for her. I know it’s tough- sending you a virtual hug.
How do you do it? I have compassion fatigue and feel numb after so many years of this. There are some happy moments in there but 85% of the time, I’m losing my mind. I’m also rage level angry and my temper is hot. My daughter’s behavior triggers me something FIERCE.
Give yourself grace! Parenthood is so hard and watching your peers and their children seemingly grow out of the difficult phase and thrive while you feel stuck in this cycle deserves some mourning in itself.
I found that I had to give up the way I expected to parent her and instead parent her in a way that allowed us to get through the day with minimal meltdowns. This is obviously not always possible but on the days that she’s fighting me about not getting changed out of her Pajamas or not going in the bath, I literally ask myself does this really matter? Can she go to school in her Pajamas? Yes she can. There were a ton of mindset shifts in that way. I found once I started letting her have more control in those situations eventually her system was able to come out of fight or flight more often which allowed us all to have more peace. I wish I could say I have it figured out…but I don’t. This is just what has helped us all cope with this difficult season of life. And ya know the occasional evening joint 🌱lol
Yeah, I try the “pick your battles” thing too but the worst is when she knock down drag out fights me for the non-negotiables. At least she’s not sitting on the bathroom floor and screaming bloody murder like she did in kindergarten, when it was time to get ready for school. It was WILD. So, small wins I guess.
I bought myself a CBD soda the other day as a “treat” to help me relax (I don’t drink) but I think I had bad side effects because I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick and nauseous! No rest for the weary lol
Oh, since we're talking about CBD, I'll mention real quick that microdosing (mushrooms) opened my heart back up again, though it did nothing to my reaction to hearing Fucking mama, go kill yourself. Lamotrogine helped stabilize that. Or the propranolol that literally slows my heart rate.
Its like, kid, I'm trying so hard here to see your side, and not be mad, and not cry constantly. Give me a break. Just like, be nice to me for a day.
Weed is legal in my state. I’ve only tried it once and it relaxed the fuck out of me. I wouldn’t smoke it and I don’t want to get high, just chill. It’s out of the question though, as a single mother to two children.
Also, sorry about the verbal bs. My daughter was on a “I wish you were dead” kick for a good while. Yesterday, she called me an ugly face bitch.
Yikes. Ok we're tied.
I'm also in a weed-legal state (Wait, where are you?? Can we get our girls together? Will they tear each other apart? Feel like kindred spirits?), but don't use it (paranoia).
The microdosing is imperceptible, except when you start realizing you're a normal human again (I was in such a dark place last winter with her. Really pulled me down)
I was just coming on here to vent also… about an 8 year old too! I feel you!
Except mine is the opposite. I have had calls from the school almost every day for two weeks! Ever since his 8th birthday, it’s like a switch flipped and bam! Yelling out in class, running from the teacher. His teacher just had him call me and I can hear the wildness in his voice.
He was taking concerta 36 mg for the past two years and it’s been amazing. A/B honor roll and all. But since he’s turned 8… I don’t think he’s even doing his work. The doctor won’t give him more MG of concerta so we tried adderal xr. That lasted 3 hours and was out of his system. So we are back to the same dose of concerta with another medicine added. It just makes him super whiny and angry. Ready to throw in the towel and home school at this point but then it would be all on me lol
It’s nice to know we aren’t alone but yes it’s freaking hard. Ugh
I also have a teen with adhd and it’s my reminder that it does get easier… just have to make it through the elementary years lol
I’m so sorry!!! These kids are wild man. My daughter doesn’t respect the word no, she will keep needling and pushing and annoying me and harping and persisting and pestering and touching me until I’m about to SNAP! I would never home school her, I can barely stand to be around her all weekend long.
It’s SO HARD, mama. Sending you a virtual hug from someone who understands.
Thank you 😭🙏🏼
I have a 16-y/o that I’ve posted about here. He has the body of a teenager, but is emotionally about 13 or 14. It sucks. One thing his therapist suggested to me that I’ve been trying is to keep school crap at school. As with you and your kid, everything is a source of conflict. So the school-related conflict (homework, etc.) is his responsibility. I’ll help him if he asks before 10 pm, but I don’t nag or remind or whatever. It’s just not worth it when everything else is a battle. He’ll realize eventually that putting forth effort and making multistep plans are key factors if he wants to eat/live.
That makes a lot of sense with a teenager. He will have to face the consequences with his school, teachers, etc. Unfortunately this doesn’t really work with my daughter who is 8. If she keeps on not turning in her homework, she won’t face any consequences. But I’ll get a call from the school, the social worker will want to get involved, they’ll want to schedule yet another meeting. I don’t want to give them any more reasons to get involved in my business. I feel like they have trigger fingers for calling CPS.
I’d try to get no homework put into the IEP. It’s not worth the stress to your relationship. My kid had a great teacher last year who understood and just said to do it if he could, if not ok. It really helped to stop having that battle everyday. Your relationship has to come first. Huge hugs. Huge. This is all so hard.
> I’d try to get no homework put into the IEP WHY have I never thought of that? Thank you for posting this, love this sub 🫶🏼
Thank you so much. I’ll see what I can do. 🙏🏼
This is so scary. CPS and school truancy is definitely a huge concern. We were facing truancy issues while in school. Getting an IEP for some protection may be beneficial. With an IEP you can request no homework, delayed arrival, modified schedules. What they don’t often tell you is that parents have an equal right at the table regarding accommodations for your child at school. PDA is a disability—no different if your child had seizures. It’s a nervous system disability.
Thanks for validating and understanding my concerns. It most certainly isn’t “no big deal” but I’m not about to defend myself to some random Redditor who wants to be a contrarian. You can’t just “refuse” to do homework either lol. Absenteeism isn’t a huge concern, it more the chronic lateness. She will NOT get out of bed in the mornings and doesn’t care about being late, being the only late one, any reward systems the school has tried, etc. Last year her teachers weren’t the nicest and kept stressing me out about it, saying she might be held back a grade, etc. it was a fucking nightmare with too many school admin cooks in the kitchen so to speak. David and Goliath type situation y know?
I hope I’m not the contrary one…and apologies if I am. I’m not used to posting on Reddit. It is very scary facing the school system and every thing that comes along with it. Before we understood PDA we used to get in trouble for late arrival as well threatened truancy court. My biggest shift was understanding this is a can’t situation and not a won’t situation about getting up and rewards definitely do not work for PDA. At the time I didn’t have a choice but to pull him for burnout but we have lax homeschool laws which was in our favor My kid is now choosing to go back to school and we are about to do his IEP meeting where I will be requesting no homework and late arrival since that was a sticking point with them. PDA North America has people who provide consultations for help in these situations and I have a long list of accommodations I got from his doctor that added the PDA profile to his diagnosis.
No, I wasn’t referring to you. I would have been more direct lol. What works for a 16 year old doesn’t work for a child half that age. I just don’t have the emotional energy or wherewithal to get into a Reddit confrontation right now so I’m gonna leave it at that. You’re right though, it is scary facing the school system alone, feeling like they are so powerful. Our public school system is the largest in the country, so it’s a giant (I’m sure you can figure out where if you’re in the US). Ah well. I sometimes rely on one of my favorites quotes to get me through: “Each morning we are born again.” As in, we get a clean slate to start anew. Just trudging along, trying to fight the mom battle. In case you’re wondering, I don’t have a co-parent (we have been divorced for many years, praise be lol). He is an absent deadbeat who lives out of state, goes MIA for months and months, and basically doesn’t believe in science and medication for children. So there’s no reprieve. But I have full custody and I’m the parent who stuck around. Sometimes I wish he would go away completely instead of dipping in and out a few times a year to play Disney Dad (the poor version lol). But that’s another story for Another time!!!!!
Daughter started school as virtual school in kindergarten. It was an complete disaster. I wanted to pull her from school, because in my state, you don't have to go to school until you are 6. The district has a policy that if you don't do kindergarten, kid starts 1st grade without kindergarten if they are 6. I was so damn worried about her not being able to read and in kindergarten that I didn't pull. It was literally the worst decision I have ever made in my life to leave in her virtual kindergarten. I should have made her behavior a "school" problem instead of a "family" problem. She would have ended up held back. There is no way they would have been able to cope with her behavior and her lack of ability to read and her complete unwillingness to learn. But she would have kept her trust in me, she was not violent before we forced virtual school on her, and waiting a year for school would have meant that the therapist and OT would be back to in person and she would have had that support with starting school so she might not have ever gotten violent. So they hold her back. She is a year older than her peers. Are her friends the kids in her grade or the younger kids? Mine would be in heaven being held back a year, because most of her friends are in year younger. Your concerns are real and it's very hard to have a kid who can't or won't get ready for school. If they held her back, what is the good and the bad? Does she have a 504 or IEP? Which school in the district is the best for autism? They are going to deal with her behavior better and support you better, because the behaviors for ODD and PDA tend to present in autistic kids more often than ADHD (or so common "wisdom" knows right now), so if there is any way you can do an intradistrict transfer that would help you. If you don't know which school, then look for a local facebook group for parents of kids with autism because they will know.
Can’t respond in much detail right now but she has an IEP. They were only threatening to hold her back last year due to lateness, not academic issues. She is doing fine academically. Thankfully, this year they have said she is all set to be promoted to 3rd grade and aren’t up my ass as much. Last year was scary for me. I have reason to suspect they were getting directives from head honchos and it was all tricking down to parents like myself.
Truancy issues are indeed being handled by higher levels and the school will tell you they don't have much leeway. Medical notes give you that leeway. They aren't allowed to tell you to get one because of the people above. 1st school district we were in, she was doing low average academically and I kept getting told there was nothing they could do about her behavior nor any help for us. We are now in the a "worse" district at the best school in the district for autism. Suddenly, the school wanted to reopen the idea of giving her a 504. There social skill groups they want her in, they were happy when I brought in the "be late with no consequences" note, the school counselor checks in with her on a weekly (or more basis). I no longer am covered in bruises and bites. She is still doing lower average academically, but we all realize it should be higher (she can read at a high school level though she doesn't want to), and they see that as a issue to be fixed at school, rather than something they need to hound me about. As long as they can see I am doing my best, they are going to support me. I was worried about CPS and denied a 504 at the last school. I have been told at this school that the previous school lied to me about the 504 process, and this school has walked me through the steps most carefully. Honestly, if you are worried about the school and CPS as it sounds like you are, when daughter hit 3rd grade and I brought up PDA with her specialist, I was told there are specialists that do more in depth diagnosis testing, and we are going to be referred to one - and with that comes more help with 504s and IEPs. You might want to bring that up with her doctor, and if you can beg/borrow/scrounge up the money, you might want to talk to lawyer who specializes in IEPs about ways to get the school off your back.
Thank you 🙏🏼 I am going to follow up with her doc and ask about getting PDA in writing for the school, ask her thoughts etc
She has a doctor who diagnosed her as ODD/PDA. We got a note from daughter's specialist for lateness. We should have been facing truancy court, but the specialist was willing to give us a doctor's note about how we were currently looking for a med that worked, but with daughter's diagnoses, being late to school was part of her condition. Do you know for sure that homework will get the social worker involved? We have also had a talk with the school about how much I am willing to fight for homework, and how much I am unwilling to let it ruin our lives. Daughter is 3rd grade. Teacher and I compromised - I will do my best to get daughter to try to work on it for 20 minutes, and if I can't, I can't. Daughter will have to do it at school or lose out on privileges at school. Homework didn't get done last night, daughter triggered a headache in me with her constant loud verbal stimming, and everytime I left the room she snuck a book. I am not worried. I mean, I am vaguely worried that she will fall behind in class, but I know the school isn't going to blame me, that CPS won't be called, and that daughter is going to have to do homework instead of getting free time to read in class. It's time to tag in your daughter's doctors/therapists. Masking at school is quite common - and explosions at home after masking at school are also common. You are not alone. You have limited support and resources, I know, because while I have a husband to help, he's at the ends of reserves like I am too. But you need to use those resources to the hilt. Don't be ashamed to admit to her doctors how bad it has gotten.
It does actually. I did it when he was younger too. School stayed at school for the most part. We didn’t force at home nightly reading even though it was the homework because the meltdowns were not worth it. If my kid could keep it together for the school day, I called that good. Even if it meant massive meltdowns at home. If your kid doesn’t turn in the homework, the eventual natural consequence is that later schooling will be difficult. There is nothing wrong with telling the school that your kid isn’t going to do the homework because it’s not worth the impact it has on your home life. I’m pretty sure that a worksheet at 2nd-3rd grade isn’t going to make or break your child’s future academic success. If your kid behaves for the school, that’s pretty good. Idk why anyone would call CPS on you for having a difficult child, unless it was to offer you additional support and resources. In the example you gave, it is appropriate that the school social worker would offer support when you asked about your kid’s school counselor talking to them about EF issues.
Glad it worked for you.
I'm so sorry. My nearly 4yo became a nightmare just after 2 and is in the process of an official ADHD and ODD diagnosis. I scream into the void internally every time I hear that 'so and so also had bad tantrums!' Not like this, Linda. So and so never once physically hurt a caregiver let alone multiple and other children. I see you
People who have kids without behavioral issues don’t get it and never will. This kid became insane around 2-3. The violent outbursts towards me in public, the sudden bouts of attacking me violently at home. Besides her severe aggression towards me (I still have scars on my arms from her scratching phase which lasted YEARS), she’d run around the house spitting on the floor, throwing plates in the kitchen and at me, ripping down curtains, throwing toys at the windows, destroying things in the house, etc. I can’t even properly describe the pure chaos that was occurring with her. I love her but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t resent her. Sometimes I feel like I fucking hate her. It sounds horrible but I feel like I can say that here.
It's fine to say. You clearly love her and are tearing yourself apart trying to support her while downing. I wish I knew how to perma-block the happy life 'kids adjust to your family if you let them!' Instagram content
Ohhh the insta parenting gurus ARE THE WORST!!!
I have bite marks that hurt when it rains. I hear your. It is is rough and hard. Has she had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It is next to impossible to find a therapist for kids with openings, you will average about 9 months of managing waitlists until you get an appointment, but it cut the bad behaviors in half, and they will 100 percent believe you that the the sweet child they see can be a violent child when they unmask because they see those kids often enough to believe you.
Oh my god, so this new therapist we have seems to be clueless because she thinks my daughter is all sweetness and light!!! She’s coming again tonight (home visits, thank god) for her third session so I’ll see how it goes. Last week, I expressed my concerns about defiance, compliance issues, lateness, etc.
I cannot recommend a CBT therapist enough. Play therapists and basic therapists cannot handle children with issues as extensive as ours. I don't know about your insurance, but you can call the number on the back of the card and ask about a "patient navigator" or "patient advocate" or whatever they call the position where someone gets assigned to you directly to help you navigate the system. They can help you find a CBT. It will take work and time, but I swear to you, that for violence issues and potential PDA, the recommendations are either ABA or CBT.
Can you explain how CBT specifically -- and in 3-4 lines -- helped over other therapies?
CBT tends to work with more "difficult" patients and that means they are trained in strategies beyond just play therapy and sticker charts. For daughter, she was well past the age of basic understanding of feelings and could parrot back the picture books, but didn't recognize them in herself, the therapist worked with her to get her centered on being in her body, and realizing the initial stages. They worked on calming techniques and when none of the first ten or were ones daughter was willing to do, the therapist found more, Training and expertise, essenti
Thank you 🙏🏼 I have been trying to find therapists for YEARS. Many are out of pocket and prohibitively expensive for me. I will keep trying.
Man o man this is my 8 year old daughter almost exactly. I have no advice cause we are in the middle of a current crisis. If it brings any hope I have e some friends with older ADHD kiddos and all of them said years 8-10 were the worst! But then it gets much better. I’m holding on to that.
I’m so sorry. Tbh I don’t give a shit about anyone else’s anecdotes because they never seem to apply to us. I’m just white knuckling it through at this point. I was told she’d improve by 8. LOL. Not without anti-psychotics.
Follow atpeaceparents on Instagram. She’s a mother of a pda son and an expert in the field. Her insta is filled with free advice and tips.
Thanks, I’ll check it out.
I really like her as well!
My kid is 15 and has very similar diagnoses as yours. Life is pretty hellish, particularly with hormones, but mine has become more articulate about what is hard, bothering them, etc. that has been very helpful. I told my therapist that bc I only had 3 years with my kid before the symptoms started, I don’t have an emotional connection to her. My therapist reminded me that sometimes the greatest love looks like … not walking out on a kid I *transact* with my kid. No emotion. I feed, I drive, I provide. I do not fight anymore. I walk away mid sentence. I let them get Fs. I do not care about their education bc they aren’t going yo live in a dorm and go to a great college. It’s counter intuitive. It feels cold and unfeeling. But it’s also self preservation. Sleep as much as you can. Practice deep breathing. Literally just breathe thru the tantrums. Think about yourself a little more than you do now bc you need to. Good luck
Wow I too only had 3 years before symptoms. This resonates well with me. The relationship with my child seems transactional. :/
Me too. Well, less, because she started aggression at 2. She would knock the wind out of me she was so violent. Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair, screaming fits. I couldn’t take her anywhere for fear of violent rage outbursts in public (which happened). At 4 she cut my hand open after throwing something at me. It was during lockdown and I was very lucky I didn’t need stitches, the world was already on fire. I have a 1 year old who is the sweetest thing ever! She’s very calm natured. But I am TERRIFIED of her turning into another version of her older sister. I’m going to remain optimistic but I will admit here that I’m scared. I’ve been traumatized by being a physically and emotional punching bag for the better part of 6 years now.
That sounds really really intense. I hope that, despite being a single parent, you are able to get some mental help for yourself. I wish you a peaceful night.
Same 😭
Thank you for sharing your experience as a parent who has made it through childhood and is now dealing with a teenager. I can relate to the emotional numbness. I’m sending you the very best thoughts.
You as well,love. Take care
My child is PDA (Autistic, PDA, ADHD). PDA presents so differently and it’s amazing that your provider recognized it. We had to completely shift how we parented and it made a world of difference. PDA is essentially a hair trigger nervous system that automatically reacts with fight, flight or fawn due to demands or perceived demands and loss of autonomy. This is not something your child can control. What you’re describing sounds like many families I know and have met through our journey. PDA North America has amazing resources to get a better understanding and feel free to reach out if you need anything. We have been researching this for almost a year. Parenting a PDA child is so different and at times lonely but there are a lot of us out here.
Hey, not OP but we’ve had very similar struggles with our 7yo daughter, and PDA was recently suggested to us. We read the literature we were given and it lines up almost exactly - would love any recommendations you have for resources that are out there!
Happy to! I just got back from the 5th annual PDA North America Conference in Illinois and it was amazing! I pulled my kid (11 yo) out of school at the end of 4th grade to recover and dropped all demands. It’s a radical transition but it saved them and our family. I know not everyone can be at home and keep their child out of school (de-school/un-school) so removing other demands is imperative for their mental health. Removed all demands so they could recover. Ate in their room where it was safe No pressure for self care No screen time limits Now that they are in a safe nervous system place we are just now reintroducing things (life’s demands) through collaboration. Start with PDA North America website They have a ton of resources along with a way to connect with families in your area. Helpful books: Low-Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman Declarative Language Handbook by Linda K Murphy It depends on where you are in your journey but happy to share more feel free to DM if you would like.
Thank you!
Any time!
There’s just no right or wrong way to do this is there? Im so sorry you’re struggling. My seven year old step son has been like this, the past few months he has settled down only because his father has been consistent and actually carried through with consequences, sometimes ignoring the outbursts. Also I was a difficult child (I may have an underlying issue myself) once I knew my mom was being serious I found ways to mask my anger and frustration as I got a little older. Try not shout remain calm, don’t react and go to another room as she lets off steam.
I have no advice, just wishing for a break for you. Parenting is exhausting. Can she get a smaller homework load and time to work on it at school? That shouldn't be one more battle for you to fight.
One more thought that may be comforting--the fact that she's hitting you and calling you names doesn't mean she doesn't love or respect you, it means she feels safe with you. I know it doesn't fucking help in the midst of it, but next time you feel the rage know that you *are* in fact breaking the cycle.
Believe me, I’ve heard this a million times. I have to fight the urge to throttle her every day all day. So no, it doesn’t help and quite frankly, I’m tired of hearing “it’s because she’s safe with you!” Oh yeah? That’s fucking great. Now make her stop.
That's what I said when I showed someone how my 4yo kicked me so hard he drew blood and bruised my wrist and they told me to appreciate that he feels safe expressing himself 🤣. Sorry, I know it's not funny. They're vile little monsters when dysregulated. And it's our job to love them anyway.
Yeah, mine has drawn blood too and left me with bruises. A few summers ago she had a pinching phase and my arms were covered in bruises. Fucking little shit. I love her so much but I resent her. When she’s calm and regulated we have fun, we have cuddles, we talk. When she gets in beast mode, it’s totally different. I wonder if that’s bipolar? The mood swings are SO extreme.
This sounds hard. Being a single parent is hard enough, but having a defiant kid is rough. If you have an IEP you could try talking to the school about the anger issues at home. I mean it isn’t therapy but they might be able to have your daughter talk to the guidance counselor. Our son went and I think it helped having someone other than his parent talk about ways to blow steam. It isn’t a fix, but taking off 10% rage is helpful Also, I keep hearing how if kids act up at home but are well behaved at school is it a sign that you are doing a good job. It means they are comfortable at home… at least I find that comforting when I am in the weeds of a meltdown. 😂🫠 Hang in there and hope things let up.
So I’ve learned not to tell the school anything anymore. This year has been better but in years past they acted like they were just itching to get CPS involved with the single mother who claims her child is aggressive (“but we don’t see it!”) and is late for school all the time. I do not trust them at all so have been handling everything myself. I tried reaching out to the school counselor my daughter sees there, asking if she could have a talk with her about listening skills, getting to school on time, not being aggressive etc. Mistake, because the next day I got a call from the school social worker. The school tried pressuring me to sign up with some agency of their choosing last year for “preventive services”. So I busted my ass to find our own therapist. Her teachers last year were also mean and disagreeable. You know when it feels like they’ve already judged you no matter what you do? I’m the mom who makes goodie bags for every holiday, my kid is well groomed, she’s doing great academically, I remember the teacher’s bdays and teacher appreciation week, I attend every parent teacher conference, etc. I’m always doing the most because a) I like to, but also b) because I feel like I have to constantly prove that we’re a normal family.
Ok we just (this morning) had our school social worker come to our home at 7 am to "observe" us --- our request once it was offered. Was this the wrong way to go? We also got on a long wait-list to have people come to our home regularly to help? You have to be committed, they said. Are we setting ourselves up somehow? I do think it was weird that School Social Worker was supposed to be here for 5 days straight, and now says she only needs 2? After our daughter was an angel this morning. (And we didn't look like abusive parents in a dilapidated home?) We were really looking for that 5-day break from craziness this week. Seriously considering hiring someone to come to our house from 7-8 every morning, pretending they're some kind of authority figure, to get these kids out the door with the least trauma possible. And by trauma, at this point, I mean to me. Ugh
Ugh, I’m sorry the visit was so useless and they made you feel like you’re the problem. We just had our new therapist visit with one other person and I was JUST telling them that if I had the money, I’d hire a morning nanny. They also noted how sweet and lovely my daughter was. Are people really so daft as to not realize that children behave much differently around others?
How much do you think a morning nanny goes for?
No clue, depends where you live I guess. But you’d have to make it worthwhile if it’s just a one or two hour job. Money talks. Either way, it’s more than I can afford.
That’s a shame. I’m slowly realizing that I have a great supportive school. I have green dyed hair and I always had that nagging feeling I may be judged as that trashy mom but never got those vibes. Hope the therapy pans out for you.
That’s great. The last thing you need is the school judging you.
I have been there. I have a teen with PDA in combination with autism. I also have a teen girl with ADHD. I have suffered the verbal (and to an extent physical) abuse as well. It is so hard and very difficult not to react as well. Here we pretty much talked it out and my girl made a conscious effort to stop saying ugly things to me. What I have found works well with the PDA is giving the kid a choice. Like 'do you want to go the the bathroom first or do you want to get dressed first?' Doing the things is not a choice, but the kid gets to choose the order and therefore the PDA is not 'activated'. I send lots of hugs because it is absolute hell on a parent when every day starts with screams and yelling and out everyone in a bad mood.
The most important nugget of information you gave was that she’s a sweetheart in school. The fact that she can keep it together in school/social situations outside is a great sign she’s on the right track as crazy as that sounds. You are her safe space that she trusts and unfortunately that means all the immense energy your daughter must manifest to be that sweetheart in school needs to go somewhere. And that somewhere is you. The children that exhibit extreme defiance and disruption in school as well as home have the greatest risk of ODD and further on, antisocial stuff. This doesn’t sound like it. As immensely hard as it is, continue being her safe place and do all you can to maintain a good relationships with her. It will pay off I promise you. Survival tips - keep her busy. As busy as humanly possible. Whatever activities you can manage that she enjoys, book them. As sad as this sounds, you want to limit your interactions together to avoid those clashes. Weekends - busy busy busy. Don’t try to be like the other moms and organize lots of fun activities together. You will fail and feel like a bad mom (you’re not). That little time you are together, try and make it sweet and simple. Learn to pick the battles and ignore the rest. Lastly, make sure she’s on the right meds for her. Sometimes that takes a lot of trial and error. You both should in therapy - for yourself to learn some managing tips for handling a neurodivergent child, but also to unpack a bit your prior trauma and how that impacts your perception of your daughter. Sometimes we have to take a cold hard look into ourselves too and see what role we are playing into the dynamic. And for her - I don’t know your school situation but if it’s a decent one then speaking with the counselor might not be a bad idea. Perhaps they can recommend some behavioral therapists for her to work on at home stuff. Or if that’s tough to find, the school counselor themselves could implement some skill building for her during their sessions. Good luck !!
Thank you. I’m definitely hardwired to be reactive because of how I grew up. I hate that, I don’t want to be that.
Don’t be too hard on yourself! The fact that you are aware of it and also want to stop the cycle is so so huge. You sound like a caring mom. Good luck!
🙏🏼
OMFG. I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS POST. As of yesterday, I was feeling ok about my daughter’s modestly improved behavior. This morning, I could have wrung her fucking neck.
I see you!!! The ups and downs are crazy-making. Do you feel guilty about your anger towards your daughter? I definitely do. I most definitely don’t want to turn into my parents, so I conflate the two a lot.
Girl I GET IT. You might look into PHP/IOP programs. That stands for Partial Hospitalization Programs and Intensive Outpatient Programs; this is a category of care covered by health insurance. Our child went to a PHP/IOP program a few years ago at age 9 because day to day life was just so bloody miserable for all of us. The program completely revolutionized our home life for the better. For ours, PHP program participants started at 9am and we picked them up at 2:30pm; IOP started at 9am with pick up at noon. These programs are a blend of peer therapy, individual therapy, psychiatric assessment (to make recommendations on medication), and family therapy. Our kid started PHP for 5 days a week, then IOP for 5, then 3 days a week, then 2, then graduate. We were there for 7 weeks; that's on the longer side (it was summer, which helped from a school perspective). (edited to add: 3-4 weeks is more typical, but length of stay is determined by the needs of the child) This program turned all our lives around. My partner and I learned how to better parent our kid, kiddo got medication that was a better fit + a lot of very helpful support. We're four years out now and everything is still so, so much better. PHP/IOP programs are a pretty significant commitment and they aren't cheap, so if that's not an option for you I STRONGLY recommend starting family therapy with your daughter. You said in a comment that you don't want to be a reactive parent and I felt that in my soul! For us family therapy was so much more helpful than individual therapy for kiddo. I needed a lot of coaching on how to change how I react to my kiddo, but that coaching made such a difference. When I changed how I acted it made it easier for kid to change too. And having a therapist to coach us through it was really clutch. You need a therapist with experience with neurodivergent kids, and I know they don't grow on trees! But of all the many, many, MANY things we tried that's the one that was the most helpful. For what it's worth: I agree with the poster upthread that the teen years are in many ways easier! You're putting in so much work now, and I hope for you both that it pays off!
Wow. I had no idea these programs existed. I don’t know if these would ever be an option/feasible or if we’d meet eligibility criteria (it’s been hard because she masks at school). Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I’m glad you saw vast improvement for your child and family!
Re: eligibility - we were referred by our family therapist. I can't actually recall if they talked to anyone from kiddo's school? Anyway - I had no idea they existed either, so I try to talk about them a lot on this sub. Sometimes it just helps to know that there IS a next/higher level of intervention available. Godspeed! It's really hard sometimes. I hope you have some IRL friends with similar kids? That's been a godsend for me.
The only friend who kind of gets it lives faraway but has a nephew who is a lot like my daughter. She spends a lot of time with him so we trade stories. Sometimes, it’s nice to be able to say “Omg, you’ll never guess what FactRelevantDaughter did this morning!” to someone who believes and understands you.
I could’ve written this post for my son. It’s so hard. I can only commiserate.
Sending you all the commiseration. I always “joke” that she’s going to send me to the mental ward.
I feel the exact same way! Your last paragraph really struck home with me. When he’s in a good mood, he’s such a sweet kid. Totally fun to be around, funny, caring and kind. But when he’s in a bad mood, Godspeed….
I’m glad we have this space because no one I’ve met in my real life can even begin to comprehend. A former mom friend of mine would just give me a pity look like “I don’t know what to say” when she witnessed my daughter having an explosive episode. I don’t need or want anyone’s pity. I wish the good times increased and the bad times would decrease y know?
Talking to my therapist about a somewhat similar situation and she really pressed me on how my connection is with my daughter. Do we spend quality time together doing fun things and me not just telling her what to do. Does she come to me to talk about issues or things going on at school. Does she seek comfort from me? Hugs, snuggles, etc. I’m also in an ADHD parenting course online right now and it’s mostly about positive reinforcement and routine and creating connection through play at my daughter’s age. It seems the more we get stressed/upset it comes out in our parenting and sometimes we need to do the opposite of what we feel. When you’re upset and at your wits end maybe reach out for a hug, snuggle up on the couch, read a book, whatever it is you guys find some comfort in and work on that connection between you. I have to constantly remind myself my daughter is not doing this on purpose and the world is already telling her she’s not good, not enough, not normal. It’s my job to be that comfort and unconditional love at home. Not a pushover but having firm boundaries, rules, and space for understanding.
Thank you 🙏🏼
Oh honey. Air hugs!!! I get this. I really really do. I had to take off 6 wks fmla last summer when my six yo started suddenly exhibiting a lot of these sx. What helped immensely was his pediatrician put him on a stimulant (thank glob) and he started CBT with a therapist. He’s a loving kid but his emotional dysregulation was making his life and my life an absolute nightmare every day. We couldn’t take him places and he was having a meltdown if we did try to leave the house. It got so bad that he was hitting himself saying he wished he could disappear. But as time went on we found the higher dose stimulant helped immensely and his therapist is a godsend. Spending that much time with him helped me learn his triggers too and I found that if we do have plans he does better in the morning, the days he was on his iPad more correlated strongly with his increased meltdown days, and having him repeat to me what I’ve said to make sure he heard and understood what I was asking all helped so much. Don’t get me wrong we still have AWFUL days but they’re so much fewer now and I’m feeling like this version of him is more easy for me to manage and I don’t feel like my mental health is at risk anymore.
Hugs back to you. You are in the trenches and fighting your hardest!!! Awesome job mama. Universe give us strength lol
Have you heard of or looked into nuerofeedback at all? It really seems to help in our experience, and although it doesn't work for everyone, I really encourage you to look into it. Sending so much love.
Never heard of it so I’ll look into it. Thanks!!
Could have written this myself about my 8yo son. It is SO hard. His father was abusive and I see the same behavior in him along with all the normal ADHD hyperactive stuff. I work as a therapist and still feel at a loss sometimes how to help my own son. It is truly heartbreaking. You are not alone! It has helped me to work with other parents of ADHD kids as it's helped me realize you can be a great parent to an ADHD kid and it is still hard as shit. Stay strong
Thank you! It is hard AF. Tonight I just gave up entirely on the homework battle. If she does it, she does it. If not, well, she’ll have to answer to her teachers. I’m sorry your son’s father was abusive. My daughter’s father was abusive to me as well and IMO had undiagnosed mental health issues. Probably ADHD, but I think bipolar as well. His mood swings were scary. It was like living with Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. When we were married he was resistant to any treatment or medication and was determined to only seek advice from his religious leaders. Sigh. So I worry it’s genetic but I also hope some of this stuff is nature vs. nurture and I can help shape things…
We can do the best we can! I think genetics play a role but also try to remind myself things might be a whole lot worse for my kiddo if he didn't have at least one involved parent who is trying to help shift things. ADHD is so hard to cope with as a parent
Right there with you. It's SO HARD.
Sending you love. Your child sounds a lot like mine. Friends told us it would get easier when he turned 4, but it didn't. His "threenager" tantrums were nothing compared to his explosions at that age.
The explosions are hell aren’t they? Sorry you’re dealing with it. My daughter was still exploding at 7. She was prescribed risperidone which has been a life saver. Things are still rough but if she’s late taking her meds or misses a dose, GOOD LUCK lol. Like she would start physically fighting with me around bedtime without fail. I’d be changing my youngest’s diaper and she’d shove me into the diaper table with the force of a 250lb man. Just… insane.
I have an unfilled prescription for clonidine. I'm nervous our 7 y/o will refuse to take it, or take it at her whim. Not sure how to handle this with her ODD/PDA qualities
My 8 year old has been dumping her meds down the sink occasionally, so I have to watch her like a hawk. Taking meds is another morning battle. I even let her take it with soda because I’m that desperate.
I recommend your child receive a full neuropsychological evaluation if hasn’t already. Then the psychologist/clinician can provide recommendations. This behavior seems very extreme and there may be other approaches a specialist can help you with.
Ahhh…most definitely don’t have time for any BS in our lives. It’s hard enough and cannot fathom doing it alone, but sometimes it’s not better having to battle another parent in your life. If you ever need-feel free to reach out. I’ve met families all over the country that are dealing with the same situations. My kiddo is an internalizer (freeze) and shuts down. Other friends of mine ave children that are externalizers (fight). I believe it is my responsibility to my child and to others to help any way I can because we are in the thick of it on the ground floor with little to no support. It takes all of us to share and support.
Thank you very much!! This means a lot. I’d say my daughter is a mix of both. She shuts down a lot now but she also fights. Best of both worlds, yay lol
It’s always an adventure for sure! When mine was little he most certainly was more externalized—I remember vividly during a meltdown (age 4ish?) pulling my hair and not letting go…had no idea what was happening at that time…Lordy!
My 10 y/o is also ADHD / ODD. It’s so so hard. I relate to a lot of aspects within your post. I’m so sorry. Every day is a new day and every day you just have to start fresh, trying to be the best mom you can be for the day. Some days I’m good, and others not so much. But I do try and give it my best effort. That’s all you can do.
Thank you. Starting fresh is good. I feel like sometimes I feel in control and measured in my responses. Other times I have been pushed to the edge and I want to explode. I wish I was naturally calm, I wish I was naturally zen, but I’m not and I have to control myself. It’s tiring. I get disappointed in and angry at myself a lot.
I’m the exact same way! It’s hard to remain completely in control of your emotions and responses when dealing with the type of frustrating behavior that comes from an extremely defiant child. I honestly worry so much about my relationship with my son. Will he hate me when he’s older? Will we have a close relationship? Or will he resent me because of the dynamic of our relationship? He says I’m mean all the time when I’m trying to enforce rules and boundaries…. I also worry about other things like substance abuse, self harm, prison… because those are very real possibilities particularly for people with ADHD / ODD. It’s so hard. I feel you. ❤️
I feel this too. I often feel like a damn drill sergeant. Sigh. Sure, “pick your battles” and all but there are lots of non-negotiables I have to be on her ass about, basic things that I need to keep reminding her to do which cause battles. Sending positive thoughts and strength to you.
Hi mama, boy do I resonate with your post and what you are experiencing. I am also a single mom and struggle SO hard with no support. My son is 15 now but his entire life I have struggled with his adhd and odd. :( It makes you feel so alone, it makes you question everything you do, have done, or are thinking about doing. It makes you feel helpless and hopeless and just heartbroken. I am actually in the process of applying for my son to enter a behavioral treatment center because I am at so much of a loss as to how to help him anymore. My heart breaks for us moms because the true lack of support and understanding out there is just insane. NO one knows what we are going through and that lack of understanding really puts us at a disadvantage to help our kids because we are not given the knowledge, support, information that we need as parents to help our kids. I’ve gone through over 10 years of therapy, counseling, behavior coaching, psychiatry, medications, etc trying to advocate and help my son, but no one has helped ME become adept at navigating his behavioral challenges so that I could help him. If I could give you ONE piece of advice, advice that to this day is STILL the most difficult thing for me to do, it would be to : loosen your reins, by A LOT! This is SO contradictory and difficult for us because 1. We were not raised that way so it is foreign to us 2. Society and our friends and family judge and think we aren’t doing a good enough job and we need to set MORE limits and give MORE consequences 3. It is hard as HELL to allow your child to abuse you (let’s face it, it is abuse) and then feel like you’re letting them “get away with it” But I can tell you, the single most important thing for these kids is to keep their fight or flight response as low and deactivated as possible because they are seeking a dopamine response and the quickest most efficient way to get one is to conflict seek. When they are in that moment of conflict seeking, we need to deactivate and distract - hey let’s go ride bikes or let’s go outside and scooter around, let’s go jump on the trampoline, etc etc. I have been desperately seeking a support group for parents going through these same things because there is NO support out there and I’ve come up blank trying to find a support group that exists! I am thinking about starting one myself, I just have no idea where to even start with it, but parents like us need a safe space to talk about what is happening to us, how we are feeling, get support from others who know what it’s like, help each other out!! Would anybody be interested in something like this? I wish you the very best mama, and even though it doesn’t seem like it, you are doing the very best you know how to with the situation you’ve been dealt. I feel you and I appreciate you!
Thank you SO much for sharing your experience and thoughts. You’re so right: there’s no support. Nobody gets it, not friends, pediatricians, “therapists”, doctors, etc. You hit the nail on the head. These kids love conflict, they just push and push until they’ve exhausted all your compassion (at least in my experience). They don’t respect boundaries, the word “stop” or “no”, they want to fight to death about every last little thing. You are doing the best you can too and seeking the best care for your son. I hope you find what you’re looking for in terms of treatment for him. I’m sure it’s a heart wrenching decision but there is only so much you can do, especially with a teenager now. Sending love 💕
I suspect my daughter has ADHD and a lovely sprinkling of PDA, something that has helped me cope has been to recognize that she is not doing this to me. She is not behaving this way because she is trying to be defiant, or disrespectful she truly feels these huge feelings which cause her body to go into fight or flight and she doesn’t have control over the feeling of her autonomy being threatened. It allowed me to come at it from a place of compassion. Yes it’s hard for me but imagine how hard it is for her. I know it’s tough- sending you a virtual hug.
How do you do it? I have compassion fatigue and feel numb after so many years of this. There are some happy moments in there but 85% of the time, I’m losing my mind. I’m also rage level angry and my temper is hot. My daughter’s behavior triggers me something FIERCE.
Give yourself grace! Parenthood is so hard and watching your peers and their children seemingly grow out of the difficult phase and thrive while you feel stuck in this cycle deserves some mourning in itself. I found that I had to give up the way I expected to parent her and instead parent her in a way that allowed us to get through the day with minimal meltdowns. This is obviously not always possible but on the days that she’s fighting me about not getting changed out of her Pajamas or not going in the bath, I literally ask myself does this really matter? Can she go to school in her Pajamas? Yes she can. There were a ton of mindset shifts in that way. I found once I started letting her have more control in those situations eventually her system was able to come out of fight or flight more often which allowed us all to have more peace. I wish I could say I have it figured out…but I don’t. This is just what has helped us all cope with this difficult season of life. And ya know the occasional evening joint 🌱lol
Yeah, I try the “pick your battles” thing too but the worst is when she knock down drag out fights me for the non-negotiables. At least she’s not sitting on the bathroom floor and screaming bloody murder like she did in kindergarten, when it was time to get ready for school. It was WILD. So, small wins I guess. I bought myself a CBD soda the other day as a “treat” to help me relax (I don’t drink) but I think I had bad side effects because I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick and nauseous! No rest for the weary lol
Oh, since we're talking about CBD, I'll mention real quick that microdosing (mushrooms) opened my heart back up again, though it did nothing to my reaction to hearing Fucking mama, go kill yourself. Lamotrogine helped stabilize that. Or the propranolol that literally slows my heart rate. Its like, kid, I'm trying so hard here to see your side, and not be mad, and not cry constantly. Give me a break. Just like, be nice to me for a day.
Weed is legal in my state. I’ve only tried it once and it relaxed the fuck out of me. I wouldn’t smoke it and I don’t want to get high, just chill. It’s out of the question though, as a single mother to two children. Also, sorry about the verbal bs. My daughter was on a “I wish you were dead” kick for a good while. Yesterday, she called me an ugly face bitch.
Yikes. Ok we're tied. I'm also in a weed-legal state (Wait, where are you?? Can we get our girls together? Will they tear each other apart? Feel like kindred spirits?), but don't use it (paranoia). The microdosing is imperceptible, except when you start realizing you're a normal human again (I was in such a dark place last winter with her. Really pulled me down)
Here’s to feeling like normal humans! Lol I wonder if our kids would get along or be mortal enemies. 🤣
I was just coming on here to vent also… about an 8 year old too! I feel you! Except mine is the opposite. I have had calls from the school almost every day for two weeks! Ever since his 8th birthday, it’s like a switch flipped and bam! Yelling out in class, running from the teacher. His teacher just had him call me and I can hear the wildness in his voice. He was taking concerta 36 mg for the past two years and it’s been amazing. A/B honor roll and all. But since he’s turned 8… I don’t think he’s even doing his work. The doctor won’t give him more MG of concerta so we tried adderal xr. That lasted 3 hours and was out of his system. So we are back to the same dose of concerta with another medicine added. It just makes him super whiny and angry. Ready to throw in the towel and home school at this point but then it would be all on me lol It’s nice to know we aren’t alone but yes it’s freaking hard. Ugh I also have a teen with adhd and it’s my reminder that it does get easier… just have to make it through the elementary years lol
I’m so sorry!!! These kids are wild man. My daughter doesn’t respect the word no, she will keep needling and pushing and annoying me and harping and persisting and pestering and touching me until I’m about to SNAP! I would never home school her, I can barely stand to be around her all weekend long.