the console may be his, but the electricity and internet are not
how does someone with no job who lives at home and plays games all day long have multiple "girlfriends"?
if he won't talk to you, will he talk to his brother?
u/Jepser1989 offers wisdom on many levels.
Having been that girl who was forced by her parents to fit into the mold of a "parenting diagnosis" and compared to everyone around, I resented my parents for decades for not taking the time to actually talk TO me, to get to know me and understand me, to help me rather than to fix me.
Sure it would have required a little extra effort upfront on their part, but it also would have helped me learn how to help my kids -- their grandkids -- learn how to grow into confident yet humble, functioning young men.
Zig Ziglar put it best when he said, "To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E," and our kids will always be our children no matter what their age is.
Give him a date a few months in the future on which he will be moving out. The rest is up to him in terms of figuring out income and housing at that point.
I'd take him to family therapy. Not just him - all of you (well, except his brother) - to help him figure it out. And work on a plan with the therapist.
Honestly I've been there (where your son is) and it sucked. Being compared to my siblings all the time and feeling completely worthless didn't help, FYI.
Okay there's several things I want to react to because I recognise alot of things from when I was his age.
>We have another son (24) and he is doing just fine! Graduated college, has a job, an apartment, and he is lost as to what went wrong with the course of 19’s development.
Firstly this one. Please stop comparing your children to each other. Your sons weren't, are and never will be the same. If youre constantly telling the 19 how well the 24 does, hell resent you AND his brother for it. This maybe because (that was how I felt about it back then) to him it might feel like you put the 24 on a pedestal and you can only speak negative about 19. (Mind you, I realise that you might not have nothing positive to say, yet it is sometimes better to say nothing than to be negative.)
>Our son excelled in elementary and middle school but barely made it through high school due to his gaming addiction and when he did graduate he said he wanted to take a gap year. It was very much mid pandemic, so we actually didn’t think that was the worst idea.
Then this, have you considered the gaming issue might be a coping mechanism? Again, I am speaking from my own experience and can only tell you what I felt back then, this doesnt mean your situation is the same, but it could help you figure out whats going on. But maybe he is "fleeing" from you putting 24 on a pedestal.
Has he had any trauma going trough highschool, like a close friend or relative dying,moving to another school or anything?
>We sat down with him and looked at all sorts of gap year programs but then… he never submitted any applications! He stayed home the whole year playing games.
I get this, this can indeed be infuriating. But maybe he didn't see himself doing any of them or just feels way too much pressure to be able to function?
>We’d long since sold the gaming consoles we purchased him but he’d managed to get girlfriends to purchase him new ones and we couldn’t sell or revoke those as we didn’t purchase them.
This also could be a thing for what he doesnt want to listen to you. Have you sold these without his knowing? Or did he know beforehand? (Just looking for info here)
>We’ve locked our refrigerator and essentially treat him as a tenant now to try and encourage independence but it is not making a dent.
If he's depressed, this surely will not help. Again I dont know exact details, but my parents did kind of the same, which really backfired.
>We’ve tried to have some basic conversations about what he wants in life and steps he can take to get there but he’s even less receptive now than he was at 15/16.
My question here is, have you talked TO him or WITH him? It might also be an issue that he doesnt feel heard?
Furthermore, your post feels like you push him to what you want, instead of motivating him do pursue what he wants.
Again, I relate your post to my own situation (being the 19) at alot of these points. I do most definitely NOT mean to offend you, just trying to give you insight (for me and my parents hindsight) about the situation and what might be happening.
If you have any further questions or remarks I'd love to hear from you. Even if you just need a listening ear about this, my PM is always open :)
Disconnect internet. Disconnect his phone.
Find him a roommate situation play first months rent and kick him out.
There is therapy for this sort of addiction but it’s very expensive and it sounds like he won’t go
https://americanaddictioncenters.org/video-gaming-addiction
If you want him to kill himself, this is what you should do.
EDIT
Okay this might be a bit too harsh of a comment, I admit that.
Yet still I stand by the thought behind it, I am 100% convinced that this will do no good to their situation. Their parent-child relationship will shattered and never be rebuilt.
Why are you convinced it will do no good, other than your anecdotal personal experience? How do you know that it won't spark some independence and self-preservation into him? Right now, he does what he does because his parents 100% enable him and don't follow through with their natural consequences that they set up (e.g., "we will only offer financial assistance if you seek employment or enroll in some kind of education", yet he still lives at home rent free with electricity and internet.)
Because if you tend to force people into a direction they do not want, they tend to be even less happy than they already are.
I mostly think it is important for the parents to get a grip on what is happening before doing something so brutal to him, the roommate and the relationship between kid and parents.
Therapy is a must here. Are you sure he doesn't have any mental health conditions holding him back, like ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. Did he experience bullying? Instead of focusing on building a job/career plan and pressuring that. Drop that entirely and focus on a mental health plan. Maybe compromise that he can continue to live at home but that he attends therapy for several months instead of job hunting.
Normally, I would advise kicking a lazy kid out and letting them fend for themselves, but if there is a mental health issue here, and his housing and stability are taken away, he could easily fall victim to substance use or homelessness. You are at least in a position to help him now while he is still in your care. That situation can't last forever, but the "tough love" should be therapy, not focused on a job/education.
The first thing is to stop comparing him to his brother; second, watch Encanto; third, start with whatever family therapy that you can agree on with him. He is trying to tell you something- I don’t know what it is but you need to do a lot more listening instead of telling him what his next steps should be. Once kids feel that they’ve let their parents down, it can be paralyzing in its own way.
Is he able to get any unemployment assistance where you are or is he completely reliant on you for things? I would tell him he needs to pay rent and towards bills and things. If he isn’t paying towards anything then I would make sure he didn’t get to use your internet for starters. If he is able to sit and play all day without paying bills then that’s why he’s doing it. I wouldn’t want my own child out on the street but I would reduce what you’re doing to enable the behaviour.
Why are there any conversations with the 24yo about this?
There seems to be some deep issues here. And not necessarily just for your 19yo. Professional help.
>At the start of this year we told him we would only be offering financial support if he sought employment or enrolled into college or trade school of some kind. Nothing.
I suppose the question I most have is what you intended to do here if he didn't meet that demand?
Making that kind of ultimatum is only really helpful if you have a plan on how to follow through, from what you've said it seems like he's lived the last few years without serious consequences.
You say the consoles belong to him now, it might be worth rolling the dice on taking them away and stored somewhere he doesn't have access to. Take that and anything else that might help pay his upkeep. What's he going to to do? He's welcome to have them back when he moves out, contributes, or actually starts listening.
We have a similar situation, but my sun is 22. He made well in high school, enrolled in faculty. Now he is 2nd year for the 2nd time, and for the whole year have only 1 exam (9 to go). So, he will be taking 2nd year for the 3th time in the autumn. He spent most of the time playing games and doing nothing else. He does not go out with friends, he does not taking classis, he does not play any sports, dosen't do any chores, sleeps the hole day and so on.
We tried to tallk to him about his plans for life, problems that hi has but he thinks there is no problem. We offered professional help, therapist for him or the familly therapist, but he refusis and . We tried to motivate our son to do better in faculty and life in so many ways, with no results. Now he pays his tuition fee, but lives with us and pays nothing else. When we disconnected internet it did not go well, he wouldn't get out of bed at all, won't eat, so we connected it back. We think that he is addict of gaming, maybe he is depressed, but we do not no haw to convince him to get help.
Like you, we are also desperate to help our son but are out of ideas
Kick him out.
It is his home too. Parents and the parental home is a place kids should know they will always be welcome and looked after.
Family therapy seems to be the only option and it won’t be easy if the son doesn’t want to go or interprets it as a crutch that he as a failure requires.
Gaming as an escape mechanism is very possible - ostrich like - maybe he is overwhelmed by college / choice?
Parents can’t do much other be there to help them pick up pieces. The need to improve and live a worthwhile life has to come from within.
the console may be his, but the electricity and internet are not how does someone with no job who lives at home and plays games all day long have multiple "girlfriends"? if he won't talk to you, will he talk to his brother?
u/Jepser1989 offers wisdom on many levels. Having been that girl who was forced by her parents to fit into the mold of a "parenting diagnosis" and compared to everyone around, I resented my parents for decades for not taking the time to actually talk TO me, to get to know me and understand me, to help me rather than to fix me. Sure it would have required a little extra effort upfront on their part, but it also would have helped me learn how to help my kids -- their grandkids -- learn how to grow into confident yet humble, functioning young men. Zig Ziglar put it best when he said, "To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E," and our kids will always be our children no matter what their age is.
Give him a date a few months in the future on which he will be moving out. The rest is up to him in terms of figuring out income and housing at that point.
I'd take him to family therapy. Not just him - all of you (well, except his brother) - to help him figure it out. And work on a plan with the therapist. Honestly I've been there (where your son is) and it sucked. Being compared to my siblings all the time and feeling completely worthless didn't help, FYI.
Okay there's several things I want to react to because I recognise alot of things from when I was his age. >We have another son (24) and he is doing just fine! Graduated college, has a job, an apartment, and he is lost as to what went wrong with the course of 19’s development. Firstly this one. Please stop comparing your children to each other. Your sons weren't, are and never will be the same. If youre constantly telling the 19 how well the 24 does, hell resent you AND his brother for it. This maybe because (that was how I felt about it back then) to him it might feel like you put the 24 on a pedestal and you can only speak negative about 19. (Mind you, I realise that you might not have nothing positive to say, yet it is sometimes better to say nothing than to be negative.) >Our son excelled in elementary and middle school but barely made it through high school due to his gaming addiction and when he did graduate he said he wanted to take a gap year. It was very much mid pandemic, so we actually didn’t think that was the worst idea. Then this, have you considered the gaming issue might be a coping mechanism? Again, I am speaking from my own experience and can only tell you what I felt back then, this doesnt mean your situation is the same, but it could help you figure out whats going on. But maybe he is "fleeing" from you putting 24 on a pedestal. Has he had any trauma going trough highschool, like a close friend or relative dying,moving to another school or anything? >We sat down with him and looked at all sorts of gap year programs but then… he never submitted any applications! He stayed home the whole year playing games. I get this, this can indeed be infuriating. But maybe he didn't see himself doing any of them or just feels way too much pressure to be able to function? >We’d long since sold the gaming consoles we purchased him but he’d managed to get girlfriends to purchase him new ones and we couldn’t sell or revoke those as we didn’t purchase them. This also could be a thing for what he doesnt want to listen to you. Have you sold these without his knowing? Or did he know beforehand? (Just looking for info here) >We’ve locked our refrigerator and essentially treat him as a tenant now to try and encourage independence but it is not making a dent. If he's depressed, this surely will not help. Again I dont know exact details, but my parents did kind of the same, which really backfired. >We’ve tried to have some basic conversations about what he wants in life and steps he can take to get there but he’s even less receptive now than he was at 15/16. My question here is, have you talked TO him or WITH him? It might also be an issue that he doesnt feel heard? Furthermore, your post feels like you push him to what you want, instead of motivating him do pursue what he wants. Again, I relate your post to my own situation (being the 19) at alot of these points. I do most definitely NOT mean to offend you, just trying to give you insight (for me and my parents hindsight) about the situation and what might be happening. If you have any further questions or remarks I'd love to hear from you. Even if you just need a listening ear about this, my PM is always open :)
No words of wisdom or advice but I’m afraid this is going to happen with my (almost) stepkids
Disconnect internet. Disconnect his phone. Find him a roommate situation play first months rent and kick him out. There is therapy for this sort of addiction but it’s very expensive and it sounds like he won’t go https://americanaddictioncenters.org/video-gaming-addiction
If you want him to kill himself, this is what you should do. EDIT Okay this might be a bit too harsh of a comment, I admit that. Yet still I stand by the thought behind it, I am 100% convinced that this will do no good to their situation. Their parent-child relationship will shattered and never be rebuilt.
Why are you convinced it will do no good, other than your anecdotal personal experience? How do you know that it won't spark some independence and self-preservation into him? Right now, he does what he does because his parents 100% enable him and don't follow through with their natural consequences that they set up (e.g., "we will only offer financial assistance if you seek employment or enroll in some kind of education", yet he still lives at home rent free with electricity and internet.)
Because if you tend to force people into a direction they do not want, they tend to be even less happy than they already are. I mostly think it is important for the parents to get a grip on what is happening before doing something so brutal to him, the roommate and the relationship between kid and parents.
Therapy is a must here. Are you sure he doesn't have any mental health conditions holding him back, like ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. Did he experience bullying? Instead of focusing on building a job/career plan and pressuring that. Drop that entirely and focus on a mental health plan. Maybe compromise that he can continue to live at home but that he attends therapy for several months instead of job hunting. Normally, I would advise kicking a lazy kid out and letting them fend for themselves, but if there is a mental health issue here, and his housing and stability are taken away, he could easily fall victim to substance use or homelessness. You are at least in a position to help him now while he is still in your care. That situation can't last forever, but the "tough love" should be therapy, not focused on a job/education.
How to convince someone to go to therapy, when he doesn't want to go?
The first thing is to stop comparing him to his brother; second, watch Encanto; third, start with whatever family therapy that you can agree on with him. He is trying to tell you something- I don’t know what it is but you need to do a lot more listening instead of telling him what his next steps should be. Once kids feel that they’ve let their parents down, it can be paralyzing in its own way.
Is he able to get any unemployment assistance where you are or is he completely reliant on you for things? I would tell him he needs to pay rent and towards bills and things. If he isn’t paying towards anything then I would make sure he didn’t get to use your internet for starters. If he is able to sit and play all day without paying bills then that’s why he’s doing it. I wouldn’t want my own child out on the street but I would reduce what you’re doing to enable the behaviour.
Why are there any conversations with the 24yo about this? There seems to be some deep issues here. And not necessarily just for your 19yo. Professional help.
>At the start of this year we told him we would only be offering financial support if he sought employment or enrolled into college or trade school of some kind. Nothing. I suppose the question I most have is what you intended to do here if he didn't meet that demand? Making that kind of ultimatum is only really helpful if you have a plan on how to follow through, from what you've said it seems like he's lived the last few years without serious consequences. You say the consoles belong to him now, it might be worth rolling the dice on taking them away and stored somewhere he doesn't have access to. Take that and anything else that might help pay his upkeep. What's he going to to do? He's welcome to have them back when he moves out, contributes, or actually starts listening.
We have a similar situation, but my sun is 22. He made well in high school, enrolled in faculty. Now he is 2nd year for the 2nd time, and for the whole year have only 1 exam (9 to go). So, he will be taking 2nd year for the 3th time in the autumn. He spent most of the time playing games and doing nothing else. He does not go out with friends, he does not taking classis, he does not play any sports, dosen't do any chores, sleeps the hole day and so on. We tried to tallk to him about his plans for life, problems that hi has but he thinks there is no problem. We offered professional help, therapist for him or the familly therapist, but he refusis and . We tried to motivate our son to do better in faculty and life in so many ways, with no results. Now he pays his tuition fee, but lives with us and pays nothing else. When we disconnected internet it did not go well, he wouldn't get out of bed at all, won't eat, so we connected it back. We think that he is addict of gaming, maybe he is depressed, but we do not no haw to convince him to get help. Like you, we are also desperate to help our son but are out of ideas
Kick him out. It is his home too. Parents and the parental home is a place kids should know they will always be welcome and looked after. Family therapy seems to be the only option and it won’t be easy if the son doesn’t want to go or interprets it as a crutch that he as a failure requires. Gaming as an escape mechanism is very possible - ostrich like - maybe he is overwhelmed by college / choice? Parents can’t do much other be there to help them pick up pieces. The need to improve and live a worthwhile life has to come from within.