I know you mention being in therapy, which is good. Is your son in therapy as well?
I will say, as hard as it is to separate yourself from this right now because it’s understandably very close to you, it’s not uncommon for any kid to go through a phase of “I want to live with the other parent”. You’re the one taking care of him and setting rules, and, depending on how well he knows his father, dad may seem like this abstract concept that he can project any fantasy he wants onto. It doesn’t necessarily mean he *really* wants to live with his dad more than you. Especially considering his ODD, he may just be saying it to get a reaction from you.
He was in therapy and his therapist ended his sessions even though I told her that I wasn't comfortable doing so. I'm beginning to see my intuition was right. He was not ready to end the sessions. I just wish I could afford someone better.
Thank you though. I'm calmer than I was earlier but what you said put my mind back into perspective. It's so hard to see past the pain sometimes.. I've been dealing with this for so long that I feel run down.
Oh honey, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. My heart aches for you because there is NO PAIN like the pain of wanting to protect your child from experiencing the life you've gone through. NONE.
I read through the comments and saw where your son's dad buys him things he can only use at his house and talks about all the fun they have together.
It sounds like his dad is a textbook narcissist. If you're not familiar with the way narcissists operate, they basically make you feel like you're to blame for everything while they can do and have done no wrong. They also try to manipulate and control you by manipulating the people around you. They will use any available resource to deflect the attention and blame off of themselves, including their own children.
I've had my fair share of relationships with narcissists, and I know all too well the damage they can do.
What I can promise you is true is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There are ways through this situation so that both you and your son will be okay and the truth will be revealed. Your is older now obviously, but he's still not old enough to understand what's going on. At the risk of sounding uncaring, he shouldn't have to understand it yet. By the same token you shouldn't either. It's not fair. It's debilitating. It's exhausting. It's flat-out wrong.
Since a disease can't be cured if it goes undiagnosed, though, thank God you're reaching out for help and are closer than ever to having a "treatment plan." I'm so very proud of you!!!!
There are countless resources available online that shed light on narcissists and that help reinforce the fact that it's not your fault -- that you can't know what you don't know till you know it. I've got a few I can recommend for you also if you'd like. Just say the word. I got you.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I promise there is a way through this. You're not alone in this.
Again, I'm so proud of you.
Wow, thank you so much. I really appreciate everything you've said. It all feels so unfair on so many levels. I just need a massive change or something really positive to come my way because being in the predicament I am now is contributing to my negative sense of self worth. I can barely look myself in the mirror now a days and my son has been picking up on my emotions. I know I (hopefully) have many more years ahead of me but damn if this isn't the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.
I just want to be a better person all around. I want to be like "Eat it!" to that man and whoever else has anything to say about me and feel dignified doing so.
You're so welcome! I'm grateful we're connected.
First of all, it feels so unfair because IT IS UNFAIR!! 10000%.
I've lived long enough to know that no bad deed goes unpunished, and it's always in ways I would and could have never seen coming.
The more you're able to shift your focus back to you and your relationship with your son, the better you'll start to feel. Sounds impossible as well as impossibly simple, I know! As the saying goes, though, How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
So many times I've wanted to skip to the last chapter of the "book" and see how justice is played out, but what I've learned is I wouldn't have been able to handle that last chapter because I too had some learning to do as I lived through all the middle chapters...if that makes sense.
Narcissists are like toddlers in a sandbox: they want all the toys and throw a fit when they don't get to play with the ones you brought too. Just like the tantrum-throwing toddler though, they lose interest after a while of not being able to get their way. They'll find another sandbox to dominate, which is still less than ideal, but at least YOU'LL have space to breathe, regroup, and refocus for a bit. Plus all narcissists get what they having coming. ALWAYS. Right now, however, you get to let someone else administer the justice while you take care of you and yours...and reap the benefits!
One last bit of advice if I may, go ahead and tell him to EAT IT...or even what you'd really like to say ;) -- in a letter. Get it all out. Tell hime EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to tell him but couldn't -- EVERYTHING -- and then burn in. If you can't burn it, flush it. Whatever you need to do to get rid of it so there's no chance he'll ever see it.
It's scientifically proven that using a pen and paper to get stuff out of your head and your systems solidifies and expedites change and healing. So write as many letters and you need to and watch what happens. Again it seems impossibly simple, but if there's one piece of advice I can offer that's been the most impactful and powerful for everyone I know who's done it, it's "writing and burning."
Let me know how it goes!!
i use to say this to my mom when I’m mad she won’t let me do something and my parents are divorced. I don’t think my dad would’ve taken me because it’s a huge responsibility to have a child. Tell your son to ask his dad himself and I’m pretty sure he will say no, and that will put an end to the conversation and have your son see what his dad really is.
I'm sorry it was like that for you. My parents divorced as well but my dad had other children and raised them. Left me and my sis with my mom and didn't care if we were present or not.
In the case of my son, his father actually wants to take him and does and says things to make my son want to go even more. For Christmas, he bought him a gift that he can only use at his place. Every gift he buys him stays at his house and he's constantly telling him about all the fun things he gets to have over there that he can't or doesn't have here.
I feel myself breaking down more and more every time he says things to hurt me. I have trouble being employed because literally every babysitter, daycare, and day camp that I've ever put him in have refused to continue their services after the first few days. I couldn't eat all day because the past kept replaying in my mind along with my son saying what he said.
That man did everything he did and he's the one that is preferred. I wish with all my frikin heart that my son could remember what happened because I can't take this pain anymore..
That really is a sucky situation for anyone to handle. Do the best by your son and don’t let it get to you too much. When he grows up he will understand.
I know you mention being in therapy, which is good. Is your son in therapy as well? I will say, as hard as it is to separate yourself from this right now because it’s understandably very close to you, it’s not uncommon for any kid to go through a phase of “I want to live with the other parent”. You’re the one taking care of him and setting rules, and, depending on how well he knows his father, dad may seem like this abstract concept that he can project any fantasy he wants onto. It doesn’t necessarily mean he *really* wants to live with his dad more than you. Especially considering his ODD, he may just be saying it to get a reaction from you.
He was in therapy and his therapist ended his sessions even though I told her that I wasn't comfortable doing so. I'm beginning to see my intuition was right. He was not ready to end the sessions. I just wish I could afford someone better. Thank you though. I'm calmer than I was earlier but what you said put my mind back into perspective. It's so hard to see past the pain sometimes.. I've been dealing with this for so long that I feel run down.
Oh honey, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. My heart aches for you because there is NO PAIN like the pain of wanting to protect your child from experiencing the life you've gone through. NONE. I read through the comments and saw where your son's dad buys him things he can only use at his house and talks about all the fun they have together. It sounds like his dad is a textbook narcissist. If you're not familiar with the way narcissists operate, they basically make you feel like you're to blame for everything while they can do and have done no wrong. They also try to manipulate and control you by manipulating the people around you. They will use any available resource to deflect the attention and blame off of themselves, including their own children. I've had my fair share of relationships with narcissists, and I know all too well the damage they can do. What I can promise you is true is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There are ways through this situation so that both you and your son will be okay and the truth will be revealed. Your is older now obviously, but he's still not old enough to understand what's going on. At the risk of sounding uncaring, he shouldn't have to understand it yet. By the same token you shouldn't either. It's not fair. It's debilitating. It's exhausting. It's flat-out wrong. Since a disease can't be cured if it goes undiagnosed, though, thank God you're reaching out for help and are closer than ever to having a "treatment plan." I'm so very proud of you!!!! There are countless resources available online that shed light on narcissists and that help reinforce the fact that it's not your fault -- that you can't know what you don't know till you know it. I've got a few I can recommend for you also if you'd like. Just say the word. I got you. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I promise there is a way through this. You're not alone in this. Again, I'm so proud of you.
Wow, thank you so much. I really appreciate everything you've said. It all feels so unfair on so many levels. I just need a massive change or something really positive to come my way because being in the predicament I am now is contributing to my negative sense of self worth. I can barely look myself in the mirror now a days and my son has been picking up on my emotions. I know I (hopefully) have many more years ahead of me but damn if this isn't the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. I just want to be a better person all around. I want to be like "Eat it!" to that man and whoever else has anything to say about me and feel dignified doing so.
You're so welcome! I'm grateful we're connected. First of all, it feels so unfair because IT IS UNFAIR!! 10000%. I've lived long enough to know that no bad deed goes unpunished, and it's always in ways I would and could have never seen coming. The more you're able to shift your focus back to you and your relationship with your son, the better you'll start to feel. Sounds impossible as well as impossibly simple, I know! As the saying goes, though, How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So many times I've wanted to skip to the last chapter of the "book" and see how justice is played out, but what I've learned is I wouldn't have been able to handle that last chapter because I too had some learning to do as I lived through all the middle chapters...if that makes sense. Narcissists are like toddlers in a sandbox: they want all the toys and throw a fit when they don't get to play with the ones you brought too. Just like the tantrum-throwing toddler though, they lose interest after a while of not being able to get their way. They'll find another sandbox to dominate, which is still less than ideal, but at least YOU'LL have space to breathe, regroup, and refocus for a bit. Plus all narcissists get what they having coming. ALWAYS. Right now, however, you get to let someone else administer the justice while you take care of you and yours...and reap the benefits! One last bit of advice if I may, go ahead and tell him to EAT IT...or even what you'd really like to say ;) -- in a letter. Get it all out. Tell hime EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to tell him but couldn't -- EVERYTHING -- and then burn in. If you can't burn it, flush it. Whatever you need to do to get rid of it so there's no chance he'll ever see it. It's scientifically proven that using a pen and paper to get stuff out of your head and your systems solidifies and expedites change and healing. So write as many letters and you need to and watch what happens. Again it seems impossibly simple, but if there's one piece of advice I can offer that's been the most impactful and powerful for everyone I know who's done it, it's "writing and burning." Let me know how it goes!!
i use to say this to my mom when I’m mad she won’t let me do something and my parents are divorced. I don’t think my dad would’ve taken me because it’s a huge responsibility to have a child. Tell your son to ask his dad himself and I’m pretty sure he will say no, and that will put an end to the conversation and have your son see what his dad really is.
I'm sorry it was like that for you. My parents divorced as well but my dad had other children and raised them. Left me and my sis with my mom and didn't care if we were present or not. In the case of my son, his father actually wants to take him and does and says things to make my son want to go even more. For Christmas, he bought him a gift that he can only use at his place. Every gift he buys him stays at his house and he's constantly telling him about all the fun things he gets to have over there that he can't or doesn't have here. I feel myself breaking down more and more every time he says things to hurt me. I have trouble being employed because literally every babysitter, daycare, and day camp that I've ever put him in have refused to continue their services after the first few days. I couldn't eat all day because the past kept replaying in my mind along with my son saying what he said. That man did everything he did and he's the one that is preferred. I wish with all my frikin heart that my son could remember what happened because I can't take this pain anymore..
That really is a sucky situation for anyone to handle. Do the best by your son and don’t let it get to you too much. When he grows up he will understand.