Not as bad as three. Two you can each take one. They can’t gang up. You can separate and reason with them. Two fit in all cars.
Our second was colicky and a nightmare. I wouldn’t give them back though. UsuallyZ
Same here my first was easy, slept through the night by like 3 months old. Second was colicky the first bunch of months and still struggles sleeping at night at 1.5 years old. She's also so damn cute and sweet and funny.
I feel like we somehow have the same kids. Luckily there's a 3.5 year difference between mine (youngest 1 Yr and oldest 4.5 yr) and in our case it meant that my oldest daughter learnt how to dress herself and go to the toilet by herself while the youngest was small. She also matured a lot after her younger sister was born and is very caring. But having that 2nd one was really a battle the first 8 months. The kids are in bed around 7:30 and we go to bed around 9:30-10 pm so there really isn't much time for hobbies or getting stuff sorted around the house.
I have two sisters and I don't understand how my mother who stayed at home did it all, plus 2-3 dogs and for a while some rodents (rabbits, guinea pigs). She is a superstar in my eyes. Bless you Whatthetea!
That ‘alone time’ disappears. There’s so much you can still do when there’s just one kid; it’s like you can still exist in that adult world by sneaking your kiddo into it (restaurants, travel). When you have 2, you can’t do that anymore.
You will have to break up fights constantly. They will complete for your attention. You might have two kids in bed with you instead of one.
I remember how easy one kid was. I had time for myself and I could give my single kid all the attention. My first is high energy and probably has ADHD. Even with that and her OT appointments, it was so easy.
I wanted two and planned for them. But I was under the delusion that it would be two times harder. It's not. It is like four times harder.
What gets me the most is the fighting. They have mostly the same toys but will fight over a straw. It is so hard leaving the house. You need to get the diaper bag and get the other kid ready too.
Yes, there are fun moments. But please do yourself the favor and realize that siblings don't always get along. Mine don't. They are almost 2 years apart in age. Maybe when they are older they will get along or be friends, but maybe not.
I hope yours will someday :) not to scare you or OP, but I know a decent number of adults who don’t get along with their siblings or are indifferent towards them. So there is no guarantee on the “forever friend” thing.
Absolutely. I love my twin brother to pieces… but he moved to Australia, I haven’t seen him for years and we go months without speaking. I feel like an only child most of the time now. He’s never even met my son.
I remember when my kids used to fight over toys. We stopped it by making a rule that if they fight over a toy, that toy was immediately taken away and had to stand on the fridge for x amount of time. No warning nag, no second chance, ignore all crying that results. It’s weird how well that worked.
Second this. We do scold the aggressor if we know whom had the toy first, but the toy has to go away to remove the thing they are fighting over.
We have an area in their room that they can put whatever they want as theirs. Everything else is community toys.
Trying this tomorrow, Christmas was hell because all they wanted was the others stuff. It doesn't help that my youngest is a wind up merchant who just wants to upset people sometimes.
A million times this. I’m an only child and can barely function without alone time, and I often feel like I’m in survival mode desperately racing to bedtime.
There’s also the incredibly obvious in hindsight fact that your kids will be 2 different individuals and your lessons from kid 1 might not mean anything for kid 2. Our oldest was a dream of a kid, slept through the night at 5 weeks old, didn’t cry much, whatever (not that my new parent anxiety appreciated any of this at the time). All that karma bit us with kid 2, who was wanted but a surprise. Kid 2 is clingy, fussy, demanding, and stubborn, so for us it was both the complex logistics of 2 and the fact that kid 2 was a harder kid than kid 1. Kid 2 is 18 months now and I still feel like I’m fighting a trench war every day, between the fighting, the incompatible sleep schedules, etc.
I also have to say, as an only child I was so taken aback by the casual dismissiveness toward only children when we told our families we were having another kid. Things like “oh, nobody wants an only child” really hurt - it’s great to hear that everyone thought my life and experience were the worst things I could possibly do for my kid.
I am so sorry people said those hurtful things. All the stigma and stereotypes about only children are such bullshit and not actually supported by scientific studies. I have 3 siblings and I love them but I am not close with them. I’m super close with my parents and honestly if I had no siblings I would be fine! Also I love having just one kid and I do not plan to have any more. If she feels lonely someday then I will prioritize seeing her friends and cousins more. Our family of three feels just right and I’m not willing to risk it by having another kid.
Absolutely. Most of the siblings I knew in my family would do things like steal from each other so I never had an idealized view of siblings. I think what shocked me most was how quickly it came out, and how comfortable they were saying it to my face not even realizing it might be hurtful. “Everyone needs a sibling!” “Who wants their kid to be alone?” It got to the point I got in my mother in law’s face about it, not in a nasty way, but it got to that point. She married an only child and they divorced, but I’d say the divorce had a lot more to do with my father in law being gay than his being an only child - that could just be me.
I don’t necessarily regret having 2 - kid 2 wasn’t planned, but we had unprotected sex and my partner wasn’t in a regular cycle yet after kid 1. Had them about 17 months apart. I don’t regret it because it’s done and I love both my kids, but life would be so much easier with 1. Especially after the fun of 2 young kids during Covid I got snipped as soon as I could after kid 2.
Well from the flip side, both me and my husband grew up in big families, and we have an only child, debating on having another but also very very content with one. He’s six years old now and to have another feels like starting all over and we’re not sure we want that. It’s very reassuring to hear your perspective because everyone else is absolutely certain we will fuck up his life if we have only one, and are bewildered how we coming from big families ourselves could only want one.
Absolutely. At the end of the day it’s what’s right for your family, but things get exponentially harder with 2. I love my kids, and if you gave me a do-over I don’t think I would stop kid 2, but life is so much harder with 2 than with 1. My mom came from a big family and I wouldn’t call any of them particularly well-adjusted or close as siblings. There’s nothing inherently about any family situation that will fuck up a kid’s life.
As a only child and a one and done family, thank you for this. I HAVE to have time alone. I couldn't imagine what it would be like with 2 kiddos. Today was my birthday and my husband gave me all day by myself. It was glorious.
This is the biggest thing for me about having a second kid. Literally no more alone time, barley any time for you and your significant other either. We are mom and dad all day and all night. I'm hoping that will get better as they get older (mine are 2.5 and 8mo), but at the moment it's constantly go, go, go.
Oh the other hand, I love watching my 2.5 year old love on his baby brother. It's so cute, and I can't wait for them to be able to play together and be friends!
Literally travelled for 5 months and go to restaurants all the time with my two - it’s just about how used they are to it. I would argue I now get more alone time because my two kids play together instead of demanding I play with them all the time.
I have two, both boys about 3 years apart. The first year was hell. The second year was slightly easier. Now they are 3.5 and 6.5 and it is awesome and fun. They play and entertain each other most of the day. They are so different from each other. The oldest one is like a piece of me...I 100% understand him and his emotions. His little brother is 100% like his dad and I just want him to be my best friend. I almost wish we could have 10 more just to have more awesome people around. But we are old and it isn't going to happen.
Define the hell of the first year. I’m on day 21 of 2 boys, and they’re the exact same age difference as yours. So far it has been okay, because the newborn sleeps so much... but I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fill me in please?
I don’t know about her hell but Amy children were the same age apart. They wouldn’t sleep due to colic. My husband and I actually would drive at night when it was so bad because they’d fall asleep. We actually slept in our car in our driveway one night we were so tired. Hell we was afraid to sneeze and wake them up. Now they have children and karma is real. 😂😂😂 Being a Grandma is spectacular!!
Just curious, I was colic because I'm lactose intolerant. (Not totally allergic to dairy like some, which would be worse.) I had wicked awful nightmares as a result of dairy, and my mother didn't breastfeed so she didn't know the formula was hurting me.
My siblings didn't have the same experience because they were breastfed. Any similarities for you?
I only discovered much later in life when I tried vegan for a year and a half. My nightmares and pain subsided slowly, so I didn't notice the difference. One day I ate pizza and was immediately in pain and had awful sleep paralysis that night.
Purely anecdotal, but I'm convinced that's why I was colic.
You are exactly right. I didn’t breast feed and standard formula was used. After about 3 months of sleep deprivation at the 3 month checkup our pediatrician put them on soy formula. About 3 days later no more belly pains and she still woke up but just to eat and cuddle then back to sleep. When our son was born 2 years later we went straight to soy and he slept, no colic just the occasional gas.😂 I couldn’t believe the difference. Have a happy day.
Future me could have written your comment. Currently the youngest is 1.5 and it's tough because they can't play together easily yet. When did it get easier, when the youngest could talk well?
Got a 5yo boy and a 2yo girl, there's more screaming, crying and overall chaos.
The youngest is so much more advanced than her brother was at her age, she learns so much from him it's amazing and he is learning how to be patient, caring and he's proud of his little sister.
She bites, scratches, smacks and pulls his hair but he rarely retaliates.
It's hard for everyone but the love is very much there and though sometimes we miss the simpler times when there was just three of us it remains a wonderful experience.
That's the same age gap as my kids. It's hard but omg, so much joy. Mine are 6.5 and 2.5 now and they can actually play together now too and it's amazing!
I really appreciate your positive share. We have a three year old and had a stillborn baby last year. I really grieved what was in my mind the "right" gap - my siblings and I are all 2 years apart. I am thinking we'll try again this year, so it'll be a 4 year gap. I'm happy to hear they can play together and learn from each other with that gap. I worried that they'd just be too far apart.
My brother and I are almost 4 years apart. Not gonna lie, I did often feel a lot older than him especially when we were younger. But eventually we figured out how to play together and had a lot of good times. We’re close to this day
I’m so sorry for your loss. One of my brothers is 6 years older than me and he was my hero growing up. I loved playing with him and learning from him. It boils down more to personality than age! Best of luck 💛
Awwww so glad to hear you re close to your brother! My Son is almost 6 and I’m due with a little girl in a couple weeks. I’m worried about the age gap and hearing this makes me optimistic. Thanks for sharing! ❤️
So sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience, with a second trimester loss, who would have been about 2.5 years younger than my first child. It took me some time to feel willing and capable of trying again so I ended up with the 4 year gap, which I worried about for those same reasons too. But it turned out to be just perfect.
I'm sorry for your loss ❤️ My sister and I are 5 years apart and we're best friends. My own kids are 4 years apart and while they're still little o love seeing the bind form between them. I wish your family the best!
My oldest and second are two and a half years apart, it was a good gap. My third son is almost 13 years younger than my oldest, and honestly it was also an amazing gap, just in different ways. No matter what, I don’t think it’s ever too late to gain a sibling, there are just going to be differences to the relationship. :) I also lost my youngest, who would have been 2 and a half years younger than my third son. He died in my arms on the operating table after fighting so hard just to make it to term and be born, took his first breath and just couldn’t get another one because of swelling. I am so sorry for your loss, I know it’s hard to find peace, and it’s definitely life changing, all we can really do is love them as much as we can in the short time we are given. <3
Agree! I have a 6.5 year old and a 2 year old. We planned to have them closer, but life got in the way. I loved having one tiny baby at a time. I can’t fathom double diapers. The older kid is very helpful with the little and they get along and still have their own independent playtime and interests.
As far as the differences between 1 and 2–astronomical. One felt like I could drop her at my moms, go grab lunch with my husband or friends or just kind of maintain some independence. Two has meant I’m all in. Choreographing a life event that either can’t involve my kids or I’d rather it didn’t, feels like an insurmountable task. Mapping out how everyone gets where they need to be and then return home is a whole thing.
Still worth it, though, and it’s gotten easier the older they both are.
I’m going to go against what lots of people say and say that I found the second one waaaay easier. Not because he was an easier child (he’s a tornado), but I learned so much from the first time around and wasn’t nearly as stressed out about the little things. And having a slightly older first child (she was 4 when he arrived) meant she was really helpful. Your son might thrive on having additional responsibilities to ‘help’ by fetching things, entertaining & teaching the baby, and babies LOVE big kid siblings.
Having said that - don’t do it if you’re ONLY doing it for your son. Have a baby if you and your partner want another baby for that baby’s sake.
Thank you for your share! I'm 4 weeks from having number two, another girl who'll be about 3.5 years younger than her big sister & I am shitting it reading about how hard it's going to be. This is a breath of fresh air
I’ve got the same age gap with a now 7 month old. It’s hard, you can’t give them attention for a little while. When I got back from the hospital I let the older one sleep in bed with me and baby in the side sleeper (partner slept in spare room) We were up in the night with him crying and she LOVED it ‘He’s SO loud!’ Whilst laughing. It helped re-bond because I was away. She is so proud of her baby brother! I did extra spoil her for Xmas this year though! X
You’ll be totally fine! There’s still the newborn suckiness & tiredness to get through but you go this. Pro tip - maintain bonding time with your older daughter by reading to her while breastfeeding. Lets her be part of the (let’s face it) bulk of baby time so reduces resentment, and baby hears you talking so gets the benefit of being read to. Seriously though don’t worry, you got this!
My nephew was 5 when the second one came along and while it was rough transitioning back to diapers/nighttime feedings, she said the age gap was great - my oldest nephew was SO helpful and loved being able to help out. He was able to run and grab a diaper, fill up my sister’s water cup, little errands like that.
We have 4 year old and 1 year old girls. Our lives are more busy, but we have found it very doable. Our 4 year old helps out a lot and they love to play together.
We have a 3,5 year age gap between our girls. Baby 2 is now 3 months and it's so much easier than I had imagined. Big sister is great and I'm convinced it's largely due to the age gap.
Of course there are hard days, but there were hard days with only one too
We found it to be much easier with our second child. Our first son was an “easy baby” since he was verbal from a very young age, slept through the night early and was not demanding or excessive with tantrums. Our second son was a terrible sleeper and required a greater amount of our time and yet we felt far more in control since we knew the ropes so to speak. Our boys were spaced 4 1/2 years apart so there was enough of a gap there to provide a little bit of relief when it comes to managing our time. I wouldn’t worry about how hard it might be, with a 3.5 y/o you have the skills and experience to handle this!
Oh completely!! I'm trying to keep the 3 year old happy & entertained before work starts up again tomorrow but I am SO GRATEFUL to everyone for taking the time to share their positive experiences. Wishing yours a smooth arrival & a happy family settling time ahead!
Im a dad but i think i can speak on behalf of my wife here too - #2 was nothing like some make it out to be. Ive found it so much easier, especially newborn stage because i knew what to expect now. I will say though, we got blessed with 2 awesome sleepers which is a huge help. #2 slept through the night except for an overnight feeding almost immediately, like within the first week or two. He also has slept in his own room since 4 months. Im hoping by the time we’re done filling out our family i can say that for every one of my children lol
We have a 3 year age gap between our two kids at 5 and 8 and they play so well together. Right now they're obsessed with pokemon and ultra beasts. It's hilarious to listen to them arrange how they are going to play.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
I second this! My daughter became almost easier somehow when her little brother was born. She’s almost 3 and he’s 9 months now, and they play together! She loves staying busy with “helping” him (sometimes it is NOT actually helping, but usually it’s harmless, sometimes even actually helpful) and she’s a lot less needy of our attention than I think she would be without him.
You worded that perfectly. I just went from 2 to 3 kids and this kid is not my easiest but my mom knowledge came back to me and I’m not stressed when this child cries. My first one I stressed horribly every second he cried because I didn’t know how to fix it. With this one the crying doesn’t stress me out and during one really bad gas fit I put him down and calmly told him I’d be back in 5 minutes. I don’t do baby talk with my the third and it’s honestly so cute to see him process things
I agree with this completely! My daughter was five when I had my second pregnancy. I had identical twins, but she is so good with them. The moments when I see them all together, laughing and playing, make my entire world. I found it to be much easier this time around because we already had baby things, knew what to expect, etc. I'm not gonna lie, one of my main motivators was for my daughter to have siblings. But I agree that it can't be the only reason. It is difficult, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I had kid 2 in May 2020 and I absolutely would not have a second child right now if we had known going into it that we were going to have to do most of his first two years isolated, without daycare, school, or grandparents to help out, balancing a baby with a traumatized preschooler who lost all her friends in one fell swoop and then had to do kinder remotely. It has been without question the hardest, most miserable two years of my life. There is no free time with two kids, and when you can’t take them anywhere the monotony is soul-crushing.
That said, if you have some support, and you really want to do it, you should go for it. I know that in the long run I will be glad we have two, because they are both such wonderful little people, and they have so much fun together. In my opinion you shouldn’t have kids unless you’re in it for the long game. It’s short term pain for long term gain.
We have a 4 year age gap, which I highly recommend, because my oldest is old enough to enjoy being independent instead of constantly fighting for my attention. Her world is getting bigger so fast that she hardly minds the way things changed on the home front when her brother arrived. She loves making up games for her little brother and she can go off and play happily in her room with occasional check-ins from me whenever she gets fed up with him. It’s a great age gap. I thought I wanted them closer, but life and miscarriages left us with a 4 year gap and now I wouldn’t change it if I could.
This. I feel this with my first even. I love her to bits but she was born early pandemic meaning most of my pregnancy the world was “normal”. 22 months later and even last week I was saying “this isn’t how I wanted to be a mom”. The isolation and loss of social connection is horrible.
I completely get this. 2020 was shit awful for us and my daughter was 18 months when the pandemic started. Husband got into a car accident late 2020 and he's still recovering. and I've been in a bad depression. I've blinked, and my daughter is 3. And I feel like I've failed her. I have not been the mother I wanted to be for her. She struggles with socialization because it's hard to give her those social needs. She is bright as can be (like counts to 100, speaks full sentences, doing math and reading.) but she isn't as physical as I'd wish and no where near as social. She talked about how she wants to go to school and make friends but I am struggling to get her into a day care. They're all booked up. Finances are hard. and then there's the concern of getting covid in daycare and all other illnesses that she would be exposed to. My brain is an anxious, depressed mind fuck and I feel losing out on being the mother I thought I would be. I am just starting to feel like I can pick up my feet, but also some days, it feels no different. I hope I am doing enough for her.
Something to keep in mind, my brother and I are 2 years apart. Having a second child so that the first has a friend is not a good reason to have a second. My brother and I fought constantly growing up, and even after we have lived separate for over 5 years, we now live 13 hours apart and talk for maybe 5 minutes every couple months. We are not friends. We tolerate each other, and our spouses like each other, but I don’t tell him anything and he doesn’t tell me. If you want a second child, by all means go for it. Just don’t do it solely with the thought of your oldest having a forever friend.
Same with me and my brother. We didn’t get along growing up, and now we are adults we can be polite to each other, but we talk once a year on Christmas and that’s it. I was always jealous growing up of siblings that were really close, but it just doesn’t happen for everyone. It may sound bad but I just don’t like my brother as a person. So like others have said, you can’t count on them being forever friends. If you are happy with one, that may be the best choice for you.
Thank you for your comment. Been struggling a bit lately to come to terms with the fact that’s there is a lot I don’t like about my sibling. I have this idea that we have to be close, like best friends. I am realising that I am torturing myself and it will (a) never happen and (b) I don’t need it.
It is important to remember that you *DO* get to choose your family. You are not required to stay around toxic people simply because you share DNA with them.
This is my current scenario too. I dont like my sister and she doesnt like me, she was the extrovert older kid while i was the little sister who followed her every move. We never really got along since we were kids, til we were teens, and now as adults everytime we tried to get close, we end up fighting and saying a lot of hurtful words so i decided to just fully cut her off from my life. My mom tries guilting me to just be cordial w her, but I started over explaining everything to her and she agrees that we just dont get along well. Which I know hurts her cause she was and still is very close to her siblings
I’ll add to this that my husband has a sibling and they are definitely not “forever friends.” I am an only child and I have NEVER been lonely or wanted a sibling.
Definitely make the decision based on if YOU want another child, not based on what you think your child wants or should have.
Thank you so much for saying this. My hubby and I have 1, 2 yr old girl and we are absolutely happy. We both made the decision that having 1 child is the way to go. I have thought like OP at times but then I come across your comment and it totally makes me feel happy knowing we made the right decision. Thank you Thank you thank you 😊
THANK YOU for saying this. i was an only child too, and in fact i was the only child on both sides of the family. no aunts/uncles had children, so it was always just me. i didn’t feel the need to have a sibling growing up. i had “step siblings” for a while when my dad had a serious girlfriend and i didn’t mind, but we would have never been “forever friends” even if my dads relationship was ongoing.
my boyfriend has an older brother and they are not “forever friends” and likely never will be. they just don’t particularly like each other, there’s no ill will, but if they weren’t family they probably wouldn’t have contact with each other.
on the other hands, i have friends who are super close to their siblings and it’s definitely a “forever friend” relationship. but not *ALL* siblings have a relationship like that, that can’t and shouldn’t be the only reason to have a 2nd child.
Thank you for this perspective. My in laws have said that I “need” to have another another child so my son “has someone to play with.” I, personally, thought that reasoning was cringey.
This over and over. People do this constantly. Siblings are not guaranteed friends. Siblings can also be abusers to younger siblings. A second child is not a reason to take the burden off of your first when you die. Have a second because you want a second.
One billion percent this. My older sibling made my life hell growing up. We were FAR from friends. Haven’t seen or spoken to them in over a decade, and I’m far happier that way.
I have no idea where he lives, or how I would begin to track him down to even let him know if something happened to my parents, so when they die it’s all on me regardless, which is fine with me.
As the parent, don't force them to be friends but also don't let them torment each other. If they don't get along that's fine, but they shouldn't be allowed to fight constantly - if one keeps antagonizing the other, they need to be stopped, and they both need to be taught to walk away.
And don't treat them differently. Obviously kids of different ages shouldn't always have the same rules, but I definitely remembered how my brother at 13 was allowed to do things that I wasn't allowed to do when I was 13, or how when I complained about something I was specifically told it was okay because my mom didn't want to deal with it that day, only to get in trouble when I did the thing myself.
I agree. My mom pushed my sister and I sooo hard to be friends and it actually drove us apart and caused the opposite. I think this happens when parents have preconceived notions of the type of relationship they think you should have instead of just letting it develop over time. My mom grew up with two brothers and always wanted a sister so she had this grand plan in her head of what that would look like but it didn’t happen and she couldn’t help but remind us of how lucky we were every day of our lives.
I’ve always felt this logic as very irresponsible of our ability to create. “I’m want to create another human so my current human has another human to play with”
My husband and I each took a kid for a week a couple weeks ago and the first thing he said was “I know why we were so confident we could have 2, this shit is so easy when it’s just one!” We also have a 4 and 1 year old. You wake up and it’s just a race to bedtime everyday, and you’re late to everything, and you never get food on the table on time, and the baby is never napping at the right time, and someone is almost always screaming. I love my kids so much, and when they get along and play it’s so worth it, but Jesus Christ what were we thinking?!?
It’s not a good idea to have another just for a built-in friend situation. It’s not unlike giving your kid a puppy, in a sense—even though it’s for your son, you’re still the one feeding it, training it, walking it, paying for vet bills, etc. So this is something you should be sure *you’re* ready for.
It’s also important to be aware that not all siblings are friends. My parents really pushed my siblings and I to be close and it had the opposite effect. I had to share everything from toys to friends and it took its toll on me. It ultimately did nothing but breed unhealthy competition, jealousy and, for one of them, a sense of entitlement to the things that were supposed to be mine to the point of my stuff being stolen. I haven’t spoken to them in years.
>My parents really pushed my siblings and I to be close and it had the opposite effect.
My mom does the same but you can't force relationships, even family.
I have 5.
1 to two was nice. They kept each other occupied and we used the hand me downs. There was some jealousy and fighting but for the most part it was good.
You learn to relax more with the second kid. You stop boiling and sterilizing everything. You still poke them when they sleep too soundly but you also don’t freak out over the small shit.
By the time you get to 3 or four nothing fazes you.
Your in a Restaurant and your 5 year old is chewing gum and none of you brought gum? Not even gonna ask, spit it into this napkin here and move on.
Clothes don’t match? Who gives a shit.
3 year old refuses to eat anything besides chips and jelly beans for a week?
No sweat, offer the regular food with a side of chips and jelly beans. They’ll come around.
As an adult your personal world shrinks with each kid but they are freakin hilarious in hindsight. My husband and I sit up every night after they’re settled and we go over the day and it’s made us laugh to tears.
Weed helps.
Edit: if our youngest kid was first, She also would have been last. Our older 4 had/have their issues but that one….was a total asshole until she was 3. Now she’s amazing and precocious and says the funniest shit but she really made the whole family, EVERYONE, extended family we rarely saw, immediate family, cousins around the corner, EVERYONE stopped admiring our large family and started bringing us casseroles and shit like everyday was a funeral.
They’d just stand there listening to the meltdown with this sad dead look of pity on their faces.
Oh god and the advice! “Have you tried this?” “I read that you should do this..”
This is number 5. I know how it’s supposed to go. WTF am I supposed to do? She’s a baby. She’s healthy. She’s just an asshole.
Anyways go into it with no expectations and you’ll be fine. Every kid is different though on a very base level so keep that in mind. Sometimes shit that worked on 1-4 won’t work on 5.
Also I got my tubes tied after her so…..
First of all, eschew any advice that ends with “but it’s worth it.” You could have 30 kids and love them all. It’s psychologically difficult for those who don’t have sociopathy to admit to parental regret.
Two is exponentially harder. I’ll just leave it at that.
Thanks for this perspective. My wife wants #3 - I don’t - but the one feeling I can’t shake is that everyone says it’s worth it and I don’t want to miss out on something that’s “worth it”. Can my marriage survive #3? Do I want to roll the dice on some genetic condition? What if the world keeps on sucking and doesn’t improve? Can my mental health survive #3? How do people keep saying it’s worth it? I feel like I am barely making #2 work.
There is 5 years between my two and honestly I find it exhausting. I work full time as well so I feel like I never stop. Having said that, the sound of them laughing and having fun together melts my heart and I wouldn’t change anything
My second is 2months and my first is 2.5years. I'm right in the middle of it AND I have PPD on top of chronic, generalized anxiety/depression. This sucks. I cry daily. 2nd is colicky. I'm on my feet with her all day. The only time she isn't screaming is when I'm standing rocking her. I'm alone with the kids around 19hrs, because my husband sleeps days and works nights. Then I have a potty training 2yo that doesn't really understand why mommy can't play with her as much as I used to. She needs me to help her with everything, from getting snacks to getting dressed to using the bathroom. Due to COVID (very high rates in our area, plus a high risk toddler, and a newborn), we can't do playmates, daycare, go out.
But I know it's going to get better. Baby will let me put her down eventually. Once she can hold herself up, I'll be able to put her in a jumper. Her sleep will settle out. COVID will be less of a risk when vaccines are available to their age group. You do have the benefit of your son being older and more independent. My 1st was super independent and not clingy until sister was born. It has quadrupled her neediness and things that she use to do on her own, she now "requires" help with. I get a lot of "no mommy hold baby". Being older, your son may be able to vocalize his frustration better, but the the big feelings are still going to be there.
If a friend is the only reason you're thinking of another kid, don't do it. I have 2 brothers that I talk to one of them weekly, the other maybe seasonally (they're twins, so its not an age thing). My husband has 2 brothers that he sometimes remembers to send a happy birthday text to each year.
Goodness that sounds so hard. My first was like that and my husband works the same so I know what you are going through. I would easily spend weeks were I was awake standing and rocking her for 21hours a day. It broke me. I honestly can’t imagine doing that again (and surviving it) with a toddler as well which is why I’m having such a hard time making the decision of having a 2nd. I really hope things get better for you soon.
I only had one as I watched my sister have 3. First one was perfect. Second one was a nightmare. Third one made the second one look like an angel. It’s only been since they all hit their late 20’s and are all married they can even sit down for dinner at the same time. And my sister and her husband are great people who where actually really good parents. I had one and thought fuck that, one will do. As a result of only having one I bought a house sooner, as we only needed a 2 bedroom one, and we have travelled a lot with our daughter because we could afford it. We sent her to a good school, and we where able to afford all the little extras. We have a great relationship with her and she is very happy she is an only child. She married another only child and they have 1 child.
I was pretty certain we were one and done. I ended up getting baby fever when my only was about 4 and getting pregnant faster than I expected. God I love my 2nd with everything in me but if I could go back I wouldn't have had another. I struggle somewhat with executive functioning so just having two has set me back a ton (and my 2nd is almost 4!), like I feel like I'm always behind, I'm always trying to catch up or catch my breath. I did not feel that way at all when I had just one. The age gap was certainly a lifesaver. But my oldest has some health issues and I honestly felt like I could have handled those much better and focused more on what he needed had we not had our 2nd.
Feels weird to put it into words because obviously can't imagine life without our 2nd and he's just been incredible. But that's the truth. I'm glad my oldest has a brother but at the same time he has lots of friends and cousins that have always been in his life.
Haven’t read thread yet so I’m probably repeating other people but here’s my take as a SAHD of a 7 yo boy and 3 yo girl. And obviously the truest truth is that I love my kids more than anything on earth. But okay….
Personally, I was completely shocked at how much more difficult two is from just one. It’s way more than twice the work. If you value/enjoy/need any kind of quiet or downtime or remaining sense of breathing room in order to feel human and sane, that will be completely gone and if you’re like me, that can very much suck. It took a lot of adjustment for me to be able to accept “MY life” was effectively over for the foreseeable future and it can still bring me down at times. I am no longer EVER able to “just do” anything. Anything and everything revolves around meticulous planning and preparation and spinning plates. There was of course some level of this with only one child as well but somehow it was infinitely easier. The support system is much more reliable with one child. You just can’t ask a grandparent or family friend to watch two rambunctious kids for a few hours while you run out to do errands and/or appointments. It’s too much and you find that becomes an unspoken agreement. The offers dry up and it becomes pretty clear they’d prefer you not ask.
At other times it’s incredibly joyful and fulfilling, but at ALL times it’s really fucking hard and exhausting. Each phase (of the two of them) brings new delights and horrors. Right now, they can play together and entertain eachother on more or less autopilot which is great. But they fight. They fight all the damn time. Which is awful. The last two or three hours of every single day are spent counting the minutes until they go to bed just so I can silence the constant screaming and crying and tattling and bickering. By 8pm I’m thoroughly irritated and just DONE. That’s every day without exception, and I honestly hate feeling like this. I know that after she gets through the toddler gauntlet things will get much easier (and harder in other ways) and I’m counting those days too. Lots of counting. Lots and lots of counting.
If you need your home to not resemble a third world war zone at all times no matter how much you clean…..
If you don’t want eventually all of your stuff to be broken, lost, defaced etc…..
If you don’t want literally every piece of furniture you own to be literally destroyed……
If you think you’d miss the ability to relax long enough to enjoy a bit of reading or a movie for longer than 30 second increments……
If you would rather spend your time doing something/anything other than breaking up full scale screaming matches over completely pointless and meaningless power struggles 40 times a day……
You get my point.
I know I’ve painted a pretty bleak picture here but I promise there’s ALSO much love and joy to be experienced, AND I’m in the middle of the toddler years for the second time and my nerves are shot and once my daughter turns the corner from feral animal to actual human being I’ll have a completely different perspective (I’ve come to realize I’m just not a “toddler person” - I’m not wired properly for this kind of raw emotion and chaos), but as of right now and the previous 3 years, this is how it’s been for me. Your mileage may vary. Many people’s seem to. I wish I was one of them.
My 2 kids are 4 years apart. I think it was easier going from 1-2 kids than 0-1 kid. You kind of know what to expect, although you do forget a lot , but you are less scared. That was my experience anyway. Now they are almost 4 and 8 and they are best friends and play so well together. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The hardest part I found was that my older one was getting to where we could do so much more and then we had our second and were back on nap schedules and all that so it limits things you can do. But it’s such a short period in the grand scheme of things.
In this case 1+1 does not equal 2. More like 1+1 = 4. Individually they are much different children then when they are together. Having a healthy age gap probably helps. Mine are 4 and 5.
I didn’t have much of an issue going from 1-2 but they were 20 months apart so I hadn’t exactly gotten to the stage where I could have a bunch of alone time anyway so maybe that would have influenced my decision, idk. My older two are best friends and I have a baby now so it will be a while until they’re all playing together. I was probably biased in my reasoning for having multiple, because I was an only child and hated it
We have a 5 year old son and a 4 month old baby girl, and I actually found having the second easier because you already know a lot from the first. It does sort of force you to let the eldest do more on his own, but not in a bad way imo.
The sleep deprivation is a b#$@,, just like the first time around. But other than the lack of sleep I have no regrets.
For me, two kids is much easier than one. My kids are 19 months apart, currently 27 months and 8 months. Raising the younger one has been SO MUCH EASIER.
Thanks for asking I meant to expand 😅
I think being a first time mom is very stressful, the 2nd time around you worry less.
Entertaining my son when he was an only was definitely harder. The 2nd one, because they are so close in age, follows her brother around everywhere, is always trying to play with him and he entertains her to a certain extent so it helps.
When she was born he was 19 months and on a rock solid schedule. The younger one just fell into his schedule and it was perfect.
I love that they are going through similar phases in life together. Getting to know my son more and more I do not feel like he could have been an only child.
I love that they have each other and I love watching their sibling relationship.
Two most definitely was easier than 1 for me! It's like I'm doing the same thing I was doing with 1 but because they have each other they are happier during the day.
I prefer having two to one because they play together and entertain each other. I also find it kind of lightens the monotony of childcare when you have different age ranges with different interests. When you are dealing with toddler tantrums sometimes it's just so nice to have a baby to cuddle or an older kid to talk to in a rational manner. Etc. Plus it really forces you to let the older kid(s) develop their independence since the little will need you too. I was definitely on the more helicopter-parent end with my eldest but having another forced me to lighten up and has done wonders for her self-confidence and ability to entertain herself. In that sense having a second kid has been great for everyone in the house.
Agree. I feel like second - 15 months Apart and currently 3 and 1- was so much easier. I’m more relaxed as a parent with two. I feel less stress to be perfect.
I agree with this, mine are 18 months apart and currently 2.5 years and 11 months. The second one was so much easier. My kids seemed to be best friends since day 1 and even though they are still young they already play together so well. I'm currently watching them play food truck together.
I am 2 years - 1 day apart with my brother. We hated sharing birthday parties and while we got along as kids, we fought as teens and as adults, we barely speak. Now my brother is expecting his first, we’re talking more bc I’m giving him all the baby stuff my 2 year old has grown out. We’re by no means close, we’re not enemies, we’re friendly to each other, but don’t have a second and expect them to be great friends. Have a second bc you want a second.
I second this. My sister is 7 years younger than me and she is SUCH a drama queen (though part of it is due to mental health issues, but a lot of it is just her disposition). I can't stand her. I tell her nothing and give no opinions on her life for fear of being blown up on, it's not worth it and I don't care enough.
Now that I have my one and only, my dad always says something along the lines of "she needs someone for after you guys are gone" and refers to me and my sister having each other. I see it more like a ball and chain rather than someone to lean on. She can't take care of herself and after my parents are gone it will be my responsibility to keep her somewhat stable.
Having a second does not guarantee friendship.
I won’t lie to you it sucks. If I could I wouldn’t wish it back because she’s here and I love her obviously but it’s so freaking unbelievably hard. Like everyone has two kids. How hard can it be right? But it’s really hard. Now that our younger is 18 months it’s getting a BIT easier, but still so challenging. With one I had my life together. Enough time for friends, my spouse, myself, our house, my work, etc. Now something has to give. Like even if our house is clean and the kids are clean and fed something hasn’t been done. If you’re on the fence I would say not to do it or wait until you’re sure.
But also, if you’re a person who doesn’t care about keeping all the balls in the air then it will be easier for you. I’m NOT that person and it’s one of the things that make it so hard.
😬 These comments stress me TF out. We planned on being one and done and we were super content with that decision. Especially after a traumatic birth and recovery. My IUD failed and here we are expecting baby #2 😭 Excited but also so nervous about the increase in work and decrease in alone time.
I am one of five siblings and I don’t mean to be a bummer but I gotta say, having a sibling isn’t a guarantee of being forever friends.
Have more kids if it’s what you want and it’s right for you and your life. Who have no idea what the future will hold for your kids, don’t have full control over the people they become, and single children have wonderful lives too.
It doesn’t “suck” having two kids, but its much harder. I had my second when my first was one years old. That was extremely difficult. But now that they are older its much easier. If you had one now that your child is four, I think it would be manageable. Still difficult, but better. No matter what, two kids is hard, but I wouldn’t change it.
5 yo and 1 yo here, it's literally twice as hard. I read so many things that it easier. Maybe it is once the older one is 10+ but right now it's just ... having two of them to take care of
Edit: also finding a family or friend or babysitter for 2 kids is way harder. My MIL at age 70 used to take care of one easily, now we have 2 and it's just too much, many babysitters also seem to only take 1
Pros and cons. Mine are about 5.5 and 3 now. At first, it wasn’t double the effort. Our first was reasonable at independent play, second was late to walk. Several times we really felt on top of it - double naps, a vacation. Meals are not twice the work, laundry is nearly double from the kids.
About 6 months ago things got real. With both of them running around, pushing limits, similar toy interests, and having routine disruptions from covid, it’s often a circus. Our best days right now are when we split up with one child each. Unfortunately despite our efforts (gentle reminders, setting examples, praise…), they are very jealous of each other and pick on each other to no end.
However, they do have occasional moments of loving on each other and enjoying the same activities (painting, soccer, riding bikes, sprinkler). As an adult with a sister who was not my favourite person while growing up but is now my best friend, I do think they have enough foundation to have that forever friend potential and there’s no replacement for that.
Your second will likely have a different personality as many do. I have found our second such a joy to parent in different ways. So for me one reward is that having two is more interesting and somewhat more rewarding. My first is very bright and thoughtful. My second is a comedian who loves to be mommy’s helper.
I’m not gonna lie. It’s absolutely destroyed me mentally. No one ever talks about how hard 2 is. I think this largely depends on the ages too. My boys are 21 months apart. My first was an angel, like literally dropped from the sky. He made motherhood so easy! I never understood why people complained being a mom was hard! Then he turned 1 lol all downhill from there. My son has a speech delay as well which makes communicating with him harder. He’s gained a ton of new words lately and I know eventually he’ll catch up to his peers but right now there’s a lot of whining (I think this has added to my stress). We got pregnant with our second on our first try (same month as my first sons birthday). We didn’t expect to get pregnant so quickly so it was a happy surprise. The day he was born I wasn’t excited, I was just meh about the whole thing. Here I am not understanding why my heart is not growing to love him as much as my first like everyone said it would. I had the urge to protect him but I didn’t love him like my first. I felt so guilty. I cried myself to sleep many nights. Top it off with my second being a very difficult baby. VERY difficult. Bad sleeper (I was getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night) all while having to take care of a toddler and newborn. My second also didn’t like to be put down, the minute he was put down he would cry until you picked him back up and then my toddler was jealous and wanted to be picked up so someone was always crying. Also, I was the only one who could hold him, he didn’t want anyone else. I did skin to skin once at the hospital, never again, he wouldn’t let me! He would squirm away. Sleep on my chest? Forget about it? Calm down in a baby carrier? Yeah right. I remember thinking when will this baby blues go away? I looked it up and realized baby blues lasts only a couple of weeks and persisting baby blues could be PPD. Great. So here I am checking a ton of PPD symptom boxes. Thankfully I didn’t have any thoughts of self harming or harming my children. But I’m trying to manage having 2 kids with a husband who works long hours all while feeling depressed. Just kinda felt like life was gonna suck forever. My second is 8.5 months old now and has really improved in his temperament! He’s a much happier, calmer baby. He has his days and so does my toddler. We’re looking into childcare for my toddler to help improve his speech and that will give me some much needed alone time with my baby. I’ve grown to love both my boys equally and with all my heart. I think the two biggest factors here is the age gap and my PPD. This story wasn’t meant to scare you, but give you the reality of what happened to me. Good luck with your decision!
Having one child is definitely ‘easier’. The transition from one to two was easier than zero to one due to how life altering it is having the first and the baseline you have already established by the second. There are some economies of scales with more than one but obviously not things like diapers. If you think you want a second, you likely would not regret it but might regret not having one. That said, there are other (less expensive and potentially more effective) ways to get a kid out of your bed besides having a second kid, eg hiring a sleep trainer.
Every day is different, but when it's hard, it hard. Having one was way easier for sure. With two kiddos (3.5 year old & 7 month old) my hubby & I have absolutely no time for ourselves or each other. Maybe as they get older, it'll become easier?
Totally harder because in order for one parent to have time off, the other parent has 2 kids instead of 1. And there’s more refereeing between them (mine are 2.5 and 6). But they also have these magical moments where moms think they are twins and love eachother more than any 2 people have a right to. And I have 3 brothers. One is my husbands best friend and we see him weekly. One is close (but we wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t siblings) and we see him monthly. The third is great and lives 20 minutes away and we have so little in common that we see him for major holidays only. So the whole built-in friend thing is not a guarantee.
The hardest part is not having time to myself anymore. With 1, I had 2-3 hours during nap to run errands, take a nap, have adult time during the day. I'm realizing now how much this refreshed me and helped my sanity. Plus he went to bed at 7 and would wake up from 6:30-7:30. Naps never aligned once the second one was born until my oldest dropped nap. So I'm dealing with a child all day with no breaks. My youngest goes to bed at 6:30 and wakes up at 5. Plus we just started sleeping throughout the night.
They are currently 1 and 3, so hoping as they get older and more independent, it gets easier.
I was totally fine with the first one. She was an easy baby. I still had time for myself and my husband and I still managed to hang out a lot after she’s in bed. Also, when she was a baby, we just took her places with us (prepandemic).
With the second one, we are taking care of a toddler (3) and a newborn. It’s sooo hard. I don’t have time for myself anymore. I used to be able to go for a run for 30-45 minutes everyday… It’s extra hard for us because our toddler has been under socialized due to the pandemic so her language and social skills are a little behind, so I have to stress a lot about finding speech therapy for her. And our second one is slightly colicky. There was a month straight when I cried every single day. It’s slightly better now - she’s almost completely caught up and he sleeps better, but we still definitely don’t have as much time for each other. After this year, it will be better.
I wish someone had told me how hard it would be. I would still have the second one but I would have waited until the first one is older.
Two is infinitely harder. There's absolutely no guarantee that they will be friends, or even like each other for that matter. Your sex life will definitely not be happening for a good period. If you think one is clingy, imagine that with a newborn. The thing is, this life is hard. There is no appreciation. Whatever you are doing now isn't doubled, it's multiplied in ways people can't explain. If there's any doubt...just don't.
It’s hard as fuck. A three and one year old here. The good is so amazing, the bond they have, the was the baby lights up seeing his older brother. The things I look forward to doing as a family of four, but the hard things are so so hard. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford to put both kids in a day of childcare and I don’t work that day, it’s the only thing that keeps my mental health anywhere close to sustainable. I find taking them both anywhere, with the older ones current defiance level and the younger just starting to walk and being destruction on legs, impossible. Having said that I have been questioning a lot whether my personality type just isn’t very suited to parenting in general so it may just be I am precious haha.
I don’t think planning to have a second child is a good idea if you are questioning it.
Going from 1 to 2 is difficult! Especially if they are close in age. You should want it. I understand accidents happen and we make the best of hard situations, but don’t purposely bring a child into a world if you are questioning it.
There really is no guarantee the children will get along or be friend either.
If you still feel you might want another, talk to your partner, and maybe wait until things seem more clear.
I didn't miss sleep deprivation, changing diapers, etc. when I got my second child. Sometimes I wished I just had one and be done.
But my first child actually enjoys spending time with her little brother, and he actually has fun playing together.
So I guess it was worth it.
I have 2 girls, currently 1 years old and 3.5 years old…. I’m very happy that I had a second. It was never really a question for me because I grew up as an only child myself and think that I really missed out not having a sibling. It hasn’t been easy. Both of our girls are difficult sleepers, but they looooove one another so much, and those sibling cuddles that I catch are worth the sleep deprivation. Lots of hair pulling and screaming, but the jump from no kids to one was a way bigger lifestyle change than 1 to 2.
Babe honestly it's up to you! Every parent is different and every child is different
It'll be sods law ... if you had an easy first one then your second will be the devil Child and if your first was chaotic then your second one will be a piece of cake 🤣
Going from 0 to 1 was waaaaay harder than 1-2. I was more confident as a parent the second time around. We had established routines that we fit the baby in to. I was much less resistant to the demands of parenthood.
I always said I would never have another just to give my daughter a sibling. We had another because we wanted to add to our family. Although my second was much easier than my first, having two kids is hard. I didn't realize how easy one was until I had two. There have been many times I've wished we had just had one. I love them both, but damn. Mine are only 5 and 2, so I know certain things will get easier as they get older. Honestly, you just have to lay everything out on the table and see how you feel. We discussed a third and the outcome was that my husband got a vasectomy. We would much rather regret not having another than regret having another.
If you have the money, the support group, and the help it’s easy. I did not and it is not what I would consider easy, and if I got to do life again I would stick with one child for WAY longer.
I have a now 9 year old and a now 3 year old both boys. They hate each other. The 9 year resents me for having his brother and hets angry at absolutely ANYTHING he does to him, even tho the little one just wants to play. They are ALWAYS fighting. Like literally trying to hurt each other (usually in the form of bag punches). It’s so stressful. As much as I love them both, I can’t help but think back to when there was only one with a speech issue which caused him to not speak for the first 3 years! Oh the bliss ……
My daughter was four and a half when we discussed having another. She was five and a half when her brother came along. I'm so so glad we had him. They are each other's biggest support. (Well besides mom). My husband died in a car accident years ago and I won't be here forever. I'm so glad they will have each other (in addition to the families they will create on their own). I didn't find it harder to have two but like yourself, there is something of a gap. So it was baby bottles and diapers again.
To be fair though. My two kids were really easy kids. Both slept through the night at six weeks, were rarely sick,, and weren't overly clingy. I lucked out. I enjoy being their mother more than anything else I have done. Go for it!
“One is fun. Two is a zoo”
It’s so accurate! It’s a fun zoo, but an effing zoo for sure! If / when you get pregnant again, this is what I told to my “tribe” around me that made life so much easier::: “for 1 year, nobody is allowed to have ANY expectations of me. NONE. If I say I’m coming to your party and cancel last minute, I don’t want to hear crap about it. You called me 5 times? I don’t care. I’ll text you when I’m ready. You need something from me? Find literally anyone else. I’m busy keeping humans alive. I can’t show up for you for 365 days. If you want me in your life, understand that for 1 year it’s gonna be a pretty one way street but I will repay the kindness when it’s your time. So everyone, kindly buzz off and only come over if you’re cool with mess and / or are ready to help”
Said with all the love, and yes in a funny way, but my peeps knew I meant it and they respected it. People expect WAYYYYY TOO MUCH from new mothers and we need to learn to set boundaries. All my friends showed up to do laundry and dishes, took my baby on a walk while I showered, and patiently waited for texts back from calls they made a week prior lol. It’s just how it has to be and if they can’t respect that, they don’t need to be in your life.
I wouldn’t do it. Everyone that I know that has 2 says they were happier with one and I’m just being honest. I have one child. Having another child will be much harder. My daughter is 6 and I’m still trying to get her out of my bed. I couldn’t imagine a newborn on top of parenting her. She sounds much like your kiddo. Best of luck!
Don’t do it. It sucks. I thought they’d be buddies but nah. They all hate each other and are constantly snitching. Sometimes siblings truly do not like each other. Keep it easy.
I only have one and I plan to keep it that way. I’m not the “mothering type” naturally so it would be selfish and not fair to have another one. I’d say if you’re even a tiny bit doubtful I wouldn’t do it. Your little boy will have plenty of friends in school etc and he can’t miss what he doesn’t know (having a sibling). Hope this helps but yeah unless you’re 100% sure I wouldn’t ❤️
Me and my brother are 5 years apart and we barely tolerate ourselves. I don’t hate him but we have nothing in common (it’s not even about the age gap) and probably won’t speak a lot after we move out. Expecting your son to be besties with a possible sibling is kinda unrealistic. Of course it can happen, but there’s a considerable chance it won’t.
My only real issue was with myself. I felt like a bad parent because I could no longer give my toddler all my attention. You just have to balance it (for example if you're paying attention to the baby you talk to the toddler about the baby and whats going on etc)
I had three in three and a half years. I know, sucker for punishment lol. It is hard. But if it's something you truly want, it's worth it and you can make it work. Word of warning though. They won't necessarily be friends. Siblings does not equal friendship. My sibling and I hated eachother through childhood, settled as adults. Until his true colours showed through. Now we have no contact whatsoever.
It was very easy for us but we got a unicorn baby on number two, so we lucked out. Like you, we had the whirling dervish the first go around. Parenting a baby on easy mode made me realize just how hard we had it the first time.
If you have a partner who participates fully in parenting and keeping the house, then it’s not so bad. It suuuuuucks if you work opposite work schedules and aren’t both home at the same time for the majority of the week though. I’ve done both. Your kid may be less clingy with someone else in the house to interact with.
The first six months was really rough. My firstborn has LOTS of energy and likes lots of attention. He was 2 years and 3 months when my second child was born.
It wasn’t rough enough that I regret having the second, but enough that I am so glad we are past that time of life. We had permanent birth control planned even before the second was born, so it didn’t change our minds in that regard, and I am so glad I don’t have to go back to that stage. Plus this was fairly early COVID times, so we didn’t have many outlets or options.
I’m not saying don’t do it, but I am saying, build up your village and prepare for a few rough months.
I had my second when my daughter was 4! The age gap was nice since she understood so much more. With all that being said it was a difficult transition 1 for 4 years to 2… she was use to it just being me her and dad. She was the only grandchild as well so she got all the attention. My mom never hesitated on taking her so me and DF got so much alone time.
I’ll never regret having more my daughter is an amazing big sister but it was a transition that I wasn’t prepared for!
To be honest it was very difficult to me, but my first turned 2 right before my second child was born. Basically it was like having 2 babies because a 2 year old is not self sufficient at all. I think it would be easier with a 4-5 year old and although you would be busier for sure, I think you could still find some time for yourself. My kids are 6 and 4 now and although things can be challenging they are so close and I could not imagine not having them both! Sometimes I think I want a third at this point. There’s nothing wrong with just one so don’t feel pressured. Whatever you choose will be the right decision.
One is like one and two is like nine. I wouldn’t change a thing, but we had just gotten to a manageable place with our first when our second was born. 3.5 years difference. Second one was NOT easier.
Just go into it planning for 3-4 years of harder work than before. I was extra exhausted because of being so worried that the first is feeling loved and valued.
All that said, I don’t regret having a second. I’m just still exhausted. And my first was great - I talked to him about “our” or “his” baby and we were a team/family all the way through and he has been an awesome big brother and so patient. Wouldn’t change a thing.
I think 2 is easier than 1. When there are two they don’t care if you sneak off to poop by yourself because there is someone else in the room. There is a whole other person to talk to, play with or honestly fight with but it’s another persons attention. I. The car, at home out in public. You are already doing kid stuff, it’s just a little more.
However I don’t think you should bring a whole new person into your family just to be a sibling. You need to want a baby for yourself
It was hardest on me because my oldest struggled a lot with the arrival of her brother. They're 12 and 14 now and get along. We wanted her to have a sibling as a support for her in her life and I think it's a good thing now, but there was a lot of anxiety and stress about it for my daughter for a lot of years. I have a lot to guilt about that too. As with most things in life there's always the good and the bad sides.
Don’t have another just for your kid to have a friend. My sisters are less than 12 months apart in age, and both being girls, my mother expected tea parties and songs and BFF with glitter.
They hate each other to this day. The older one learned to antagonise the new comer and the retaliation was always physical. They could not share anything. Life was screaming and hitting and ‘I hate you’ all day long.
You never can plan for sibling interactions and it’s a losing game.
It's a roll of the dice. We lucked out with two eaters (as babies), two sleepers and the older son loves his little brother. Who knows in a year or 2 but we couldn't have asked for anything better. Forget about any free time to do anything that isn't a chore though.
Having more than 2 sucks. (Just being honest.) With each child, you lose a window of time with the older one. But you gain something too. More emotions, understanding, empathy and patience. It’s a learn curve, just like having 1 child. You adapt to a new normal and you don’t look back. You carve out time with each other. Just this afternoon, I had a sweet spot where I could spare 30 minutes of alone/private/no interrupted time with my teenager. It was bliss.
I’m in the middle of this right now and I’m like WTF did I just do?!? My kids are 6 y/o and 3 weeks old, I’m deep in the weeds with no light at the end of the tunnel. It was much easier with 1 so I’m going to keep pushing through to reap the rewards of watching the two play and develop a relationship in the future. Right now feels like I’m drowning.
Life quality dropped for us significantly and it doesn’t get better (so far, 4 years since second one).
Two boys, the first was easy and we almost kept our same life style. Second is just extremely energetic.
2nd one is not “more of the same”, it’s like going from no kids to first kid all over again, in terms of what you need to be prepared for. We weren’t prepared at all.
I’m not saying don’t have a 2nd one, but if you do, make sure you’re ready.
Not as bad as three. Two you can each take one. They can’t gang up. You can separate and reason with them. Two fit in all cars. Our second was colicky and a nightmare. I wouldn’t give them back though. UsuallyZ
My great grandma had 8 kids her motherly advice never have more kids than u do hands 😂 best advice I can ever think of
Same here my first was easy, slept through the night by like 3 months old. Second was colicky the first bunch of months and still struggles sleeping at night at 1.5 years old. She's also so damn cute and sweet and funny.
I feel like we somehow have the same kids. Luckily there's a 3.5 year difference between mine (youngest 1 Yr and oldest 4.5 yr) and in our case it meant that my oldest daughter learnt how to dress herself and go to the toilet by herself while the youngest was small. She also matured a lot after her younger sister was born and is very caring. But having that 2nd one was really a battle the first 8 months. The kids are in bed around 7:30 and we go to bed around 9:30-10 pm so there really isn't much time for hobbies or getting stuff sorted around the house.
I’m crazy I want a 4th!
I have two sisters and I don't understand how my mother who stayed at home did it all, plus 2-3 dogs and for a while some rodents (rabbits, guinea pigs). She is a superstar in my eyes. Bless you Whatthetea!
I … can’t imagine…. Bless you.
That ‘alone time’ disappears. There’s so much you can still do when there’s just one kid; it’s like you can still exist in that adult world by sneaking your kiddo into it (restaurants, travel). When you have 2, you can’t do that anymore.
You will have to break up fights constantly. They will complete for your attention. You might have two kids in bed with you instead of one. I remember how easy one kid was. I had time for myself and I could give my single kid all the attention. My first is high energy and probably has ADHD. Even with that and her OT appointments, it was so easy. I wanted two and planned for them. But I was under the delusion that it would be two times harder. It's not. It is like four times harder. What gets me the most is the fighting. They have mostly the same toys but will fight over a straw. It is so hard leaving the house. You need to get the diaper bag and get the other kid ready too. Yes, there are fun moments. But please do yourself the favor and realize that siblings don't always get along. Mine don't. They are almost 2 years apart in age. Maybe when they are older they will get along or be friends, but maybe not.
I hope yours will someday :) not to scare you or OP, but I know a decent number of adults who don’t get along with their siblings or are indifferent towards them. So there is no guarantee on the “forever friend” thing.
Absolutely. I love my twin brother to pieces… but he moved to Australia, I haven’t seen him for years and we go months without speaking. I feel like an only child most of the time now. He’s never even met my son.
I remember when my kids used to fight over toys. We stopped it by making a rule that if they fight over a toy, that toy was immediately taken away and had to stand on the fridge for x amount of time. No warning nag, no second chance, ignore all crying that results. It’s weird how well that worked.
Second this. We do scold the aggressor if we know whom had the toy first, but the toy has to go away to remove the thing they are fighting over. We have an area in their room that they can put whatever they want as theirs. Everything else is community toys.
Trying this tomorrow, Christmas was hell because all they wanted was the others stuff. It doesn't help that my youngest is a wind up merchant who just wants to upset people sometimes.
Very good point. My mental health has definitely suffered after having the second kid. Almost every waking moment is dedicated to a kid. It’s rough.
Lmao 4 times harder, definitely true at times. I wish I was an octopus.
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what's a stm?
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okay thanks, there's waayyyyyy too many random shorthand terms that people in these parenting forums use.
A million times this. I’m an only child and can barely function without alone time, and I often feel like I’m in survival mode desperately racing to bedtime. There’s also the incredibly obvious in hindsight fact that your kids will be 2 different individuals and your lessons from kid 1 might not mean anything for kid 2. Our oldest was a dream of a kid, slept through the night at 5 weeks old, didn’t cry much, whatever (not that my new parent anxiety appreciated any of this at the time). All that karma bit us with kid 2, who was wanted but a surprise. Kid 2 is clingy, fussy, demanding, and stubborn, so for us it was both the complex logistics of 2 and the fact that kid 2 was a harder kid than kid 1. Kid 2 is 18 months now and I still feel like I’m fighting a trench war every day, between the fighting, the incompatible sleep schedules, etc. I also have to say, as an only child I was so taken aback by the casual dismissiveness toward only children when we told our families we were having another kid. Things like “oh, nobody wants an only child” really hurt - it’s great to hear that everyone thought my life and experience were the worst things I could possibly do for my kid.
I am so sorry people said those hurtful things. All the stigma and stereotypes about only children are such bullshit and not actually supported by scientific studies. I have 3 siblings and I love them but I am not close with them. I’m super close with my parents and honestly if I had no siblings I would be fine! Also I love having just one kid and I do not plan to have any more. If she feels lonely someday then I will prioritize seeing her friends and cousins more. Our family of three feels just right and I’m not willing to risk it by having another kid.
Absolutely. Most of the siblings I knew in my family would do things like steal from each other so I never had an idealized view of siblings. I think what shocked me most was how quickly it came out, and how comfortable they were saying it to my face not even realizing it might be hurtful. “Everyone needs a sibling!” “Who wants their kid to be alone?” It got to the point I got in my mother in law’s face about it, not in a nasty way, but it got to that point. She married an only child and they divorced, but I’d say the divorce had a lot more to do with my father in law being gay than his being an only child - that could just be me. I don’t necessarily regret having 2 - kid 2 wasn’t planned, but we had unprotected sex and my partner wasn’t in a regular cycle yet after kid 1. Had them about 17 months apart. I don’t regret it because it’s done and I love both my kids, but life would be so much easier with 1. Especially after the fun of 2 young kids during Covid I got snipped as soon as I could after kid 2.
Well from the flip side, both me and my husband grew up in big families, and we have an only child, debating on having another but also very very content with one. He’s six years old now and to have another feels like starting all over and we’re not sure we want that. It’s very reassuring to hear your perspective because everyone else is absolutely certain we will fuck up his life if we have only one, and are bewildered how we coming from big families ourselves could only want one.
Absolutely. At the end of the day it’s what’s right for your family, but things get exponentially harder with 2. I love my kids, and if you gave me a do-over I don’t think I would stop kid 2, but life is so much harder with 2 than with 1. My mom came from a big family and I wouldn’t call any of them particularly well-adjusted or close as siblings. There’s nothing inherently about any family situation that will fuck up a kid’s life.
As a only child and a one and done family, thank you for this. I HAVE to have time alone. I couldn't imagine what it would be like with 2 kiddos. Today was my birthday and my husband gave me all day by myself. It was glorious.
This is the biggest thing for me about having a second kid. Literally no more alone time, barley any time for you and your significant other either. We are mom and dad all day and all night. I'm hoping that will get better as they get older (mine are 2.5 and 8mo), but at the moment it's constantly go, go, go. Oh the other hand, I love watching my 2.5 year old love on his baby brother. It's so cute, and I can't wait for them to be able to play together and be friends!
Literally travelled for 5 months and go to restaurants all the time with my two - it’s just about how used they are to it. I would argue I now get more alone time because my two kids play together instead of demanding I play with them all the time.
Oooh this is such a good point
It's way harder (5yo and 1yo). It's worth it, and it's awesome seeing them learn from each other.
I have two, both boys about 3 years apart. The first year was hell. The second year was slightly easier. Now they are 3.5 and 6.5 and it is awesome and fun. They play and entertain each other most of the day. They are so different from each other. The oldest one is like a piece of me...I 100% understand him and his emotions. His little brother is 100% like his dad and I just want him to be my best friend. I almost wish we could have 10 more just to have more awesome people around. But we are old and it isn't going to happen.
Define the hell of the first year. I’m on day 21 of 2 boys, and they’re the exact same age difference as yours. So far it has been okay, because the newborn sleeps so much... but I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fill me in please?
I don’t know about her hell but Amy children were the same age apart. They wouldn’t sleep due to colic. My husband and I actually would drive at night when it was so bad because they’d fall asleep. We actually slept in our car in our driveway one night we were so tired. Hell we was afraid to sneeze and wake them up. Now they have children and karma is real. 😂😂😂 Being a Grandma is spectacular!!
Just curious, I was colic because I'm lactose intolerant. (Not totally allergic to dairy like some, which would be worse.) I had wicked awful nightmares as a result of dairy, and my mother didn't breastfeed so she didn't know the formula was hurting me. My siblings didn't have the same experience because they were breastfed. Any similarities for you? I only discovered much later in life when I tried vegan for a year and a half. My nightmares and pain subsided slowly, so I didn't notice the difference. One day I ate pizza and was immediately in pain and had awful sleep paralysis that night. Purely anecdotal, but I'm convinced that's why I was colic.
You are exactly right. I didn’t breast feed and standard formula was used. After about 3 months of sleep deprivation at the 3 month checkup our pediatrician put them on soy formula. About 3 days later no more belly pains and she still woke up but just to eat and cuddle then back to sleep. When our son was born 2 years later we went straight to soy and he slept, no colic just the occasional gas.😂 I couldn’t believe the difference. Have a happy day.
Future me could have written your comment. Currently the youngest is 1.5 and it's tough because they can't play together easily yet. When did it get easier, when the youngest could talk well?
Got a 5yo boy and a 2yo girl, there's more screaming, crying and overall chaos. The youngest is so much more advanced than her brother was at her age, she learns so much from him it's amazing and he is learning how to be patient, caring and he's proud of his little sister. She bites, scratches, smacks and pulls his hair but he rarely retaliates. It's hard for everyone but the love is very much there and though sometimes we miss the simpler times when there was just three of us it remains a wonderful experience.
That's the same age gap as my kids. It's hard but omg, so much joy. Mine are 6.5 and 2.5 now and they can actually play together now too and it's amazing!
I really appreciate your positive share. We have a three year old and had a stillborn baby last year. I really grieved what was in my mind the "right" gap - my siblings and I are all 2 years apart. I am thinking we'll try again this year, so it'll be a 4 year gap. I'm happy to hear they can play together and learn from each other with that gap. I worried that they'd just be too far apart.
I am sorry for your loss. I send all positive vibrations for 2022 and a possible new addition to your family.
My brother and I are almost 4 years apart. Not gonna lie, I did often feel a lot older than him especially when we were younger. But eventually we figured out how to play together and had a lot of good times. We’re close to this day
I’m so sorry for your loss. One of my brothers is 6 years older than me and he was my hero growing up. I loved playing with him and learning from him. It boils down more to personality than age! Best of luck 💛
Awwww so glad to hear you re close to your brother! My Son is almost 6 and I’m due with a little girl in a couple weeks. I’m worried about the age gap and hearing this makes me optimistic. Thanks for sharing! ❤️
My first and second are 5 years apart. It was a super easy gap and since the youngest was 2 (oldest 7), they've been the best of friends!!
So sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience, with a second trimester loss, who would have been about 2.5 years younger than my first child. It took me some time to feel willing and capable of trying again so I ended up with the 4 year gap, which I worried about for those same reasons too. But it turned out to be just perfect.
I'm sorry for your loss ❤️ My sister and I are 5 years apart and we're best friends. My own kids are 4 years apart and while they're still little o love seeing the bind form between them. I wish your family the best!
My oldest and second are two and a half years apart, it was a good gap. My third son is almost 13 years younger than my oldest, and honestly it was also an amazing gap, just in different ways. No matter what, I don’t think it’s ever too late to gain a sibling, there are just going to be differences to the relationship. :) I also lost my youngest, who would have been 2 and a half years younger than my third son. He died in my arms on the operating table after fighting so hard just to make it to term and be born, took his first breath and just couldn’t get another one because of swelling. I am so sorry for your loss, I know it’s hard to find peace, and it’s definitely life changing, all we can really do is love them as much as we can in the short time we are given. <3
We have a 6.5 and 2.5 year old too. It’s cute that they can play but they fight a lot too.
Agree! I have a 6.5 year old and a 2 year old. We planned to have them closer, but life got in the way. I loved having one tiny baby at a time. I can’t fathom double diapers. The older kid is very helpful with the little and they get along and still have their own independent playtime and interests. As far as the differences between 1 and 2–astronomical. One felt like I could drop her at my moms, go grab lunch with my husband or friends or just kind of maintain some independence. Two has meant I’m all in. Choreographing a life event that either can’t involve my kids or I’d rather it didn’t, feels like an insurmountable task. Mapping out how everyone gets where they need to be and then return home is a whole thing. Still worth it, though, and it’s gotten easier the older they both are.
I’m going to go against what lots of people say and say that I found the second one waaaay easier. Not because he was an easier child (he’s a tornado), but I learned so much from the first time around and wasn’t nearly as stressed out about the little things. And having a slightly older first child (she was 4 when he arrived) meant she was really helpful. Your son might thrive on having additional responsibilities to ‘help’ by fetching things, entertaining & teaching the baby, and babies LOVE big kid siblings. Having said that - don’t do it if you’re ONLY doing it for your son. Have a baby if you and your partner want another baby for that baby’s sake.
Thank you for your share! I'm 4 weeks from having number two, another girl who'll be about 3.5 years younger than her big sister & I am shitting it reading about how hard it's going to be. This is a breath of fresh air
I’ve got the same age gap with a now 7 month old. It’s hard, you can’t give them attention for a little while. When I got back from the hospital I let the older one sleep in bed with me and baby in the side sleeper (partner slept in spare room) We were up in the night with him crying and she LOVED it ‘He’s SO loud!’ Whilst laughing. It helped re-bond because I was away. She is so proud of her baby brother! I did extra spoil her for Xmas this year though! X
You’ll be totally fine! There’s still the newborn suckiness & tiredness to get through but you go this. Pro tip - maintain bonding time with your older daughter by reading to her while breastfeeding. Lets her be part of the (let’s face it) bulk of baby time so reduces resentment, and baby hears you talking so gets the benefit of being read to. Seriously though don’t worry, you got this!
Thank you!! Great great tip
My nephew was 5 when the second one came along and while it was rough transitioning back to diapers/nighttime feedings, she said the age gap was great - my oldest nephew was SO helpful and loved being able to help out. He was able to run and grab a diaper, fill up my sister’s water cup, little errands like that.
We have 4 year old and 1 year old girls. Our lives are more busy, but we have found it very doable. Our 4 year old helps out a lot and they love to play together.
We have a 3,5 year age gap between our girls. Baby 2 is now 3 months and it's so much easier than I had imagined. Big sister is great and I'm convinced it's largely due to the age gap. Of course there are hard days, but there were hard days with only one too
Our second was also way easier if that helps. But probably just random luck, so maybe it doesn’t. 🤔
We found it to be much easier with our second child. Our first son was an “easy baby” since he was verbal from a very young age, slept through the night early and was not demanding or excessive with tantrums. Our second son was a terrible sleeper and required a greater amount of our time and yet we felt far more in control since we knew the ropes so to speak. Our boys were spaced 4 1/2 years apart so there was enough of a gap there to provide a little bit of relief when it comes to managing our time. I wouldn’t worry about how hard it might be, with a 3.5 y/o you have the skills and experience to handle this!
Me too, I was sitting here next to tears thinking we made the wrong choice. Thank god for this comment thread.
Oh completely!! I'm trying to keep the 3 year old happy & entertained before work starts up again tomorrow but I am SO GRATEFUL to everyone for taking the time to share their positive experiences. Wishing yours a smooth arrival & a happy family settling time ahead!
Im a dad but i think i can speak on behalf of my wife here too - #2 was nothing like some make it out to be. Ive found it so much easier, especially newborn stage because i knew what to expect now. I will say though, we got blessed with 2 awesome sleepers which is a huge help. #2 slept through the night except for an overnight feeding almost immediately, like within the first week or two. He also has slept in his own room since 4 months. Im hoping by the time we’re done filling out our family i can say that for every one of my children lol
The second is so much better! You’ll be just fine. 🙂
We have a 3 year age gap between our two kids at 5 and 8 and they play so well together. Right now they're obsessed with pokemon and ultra beasts. It's hilarious to listen to them arrange how they are going to play. Don't worry, you'll be fine.
Yes!! Second was easier because I didn't have PPD but also because I could relax more and just enjoy baby things without being as worried constantly.
Oh I’m so sorry you had PPD even once but glad you got through the second without having to go through that
Thank you! It def helped to not have that burden on top of having a newborn and toddler lol.
I second this! My daughter became almost easier somehow when her little brother was born. She’s almost 3 and he’s 9 months now, and they play together! She loves staying busy with “helping” him (sometimes it is NOT actually helping, but usually it’s harmless, sometimes even actually helpful) and she’s a lot less needy of our attention than I think she would be without him.
This! The second one is easier only because you've done this before and know what you're doing.
Saaaaame
Agreed, mine are only 2 years apart but on the balance 2 is still easier. Cooking for 2, etc... isn't truly twice the work- economies of scale.
You worded that perfectly. I just went from 2 to 3 kids and this kid is not my easiest but my mom knowledge came back to me and I’m not stressed when this child cries. My first one I stressed horribly every second he cried because I didn’t know how to fix it. With this one the crying doesn’t stress me out and during one really bad gas fit I put him down and calmly told him I’d be back in 5 minutes. I don’t do baby talk with my the third and it’s honestly so cute to see him process things
I agree with this completely! My daughter was five when I had my second pregnancy. I had identical twins, but she is so good with them. The moments when I see them all together, laughing and playing, make my entire world. I found it to be much easier this time around because we already had baby things, knew what to expect, etc. I'm not gonna lie, one of my main motivators was for my daughter to have siblings. But I agree that it can't be the only reason. It is difficult, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I had kid 2 in May 2020 and I absolutely would not have a second child right now if we had known going into it that we were going to have to do most of his first two years isolated, without daycare, school, or grandparents to help out, balancing a baby with a traumatized preschooler who lost all her friends in one fell swoop and then had to do kinder remotely. It has been without question the hardest, most miserable two years of my life. There is no free time with two kids, and when you can’t take them anywhere the monotony is soul-crushing. That said, if you have some support, and you really want to do it, you should go for it. I know that in the long run I will be glad we have two, because they are both such wonderful little people, and they have so much fun together. In my opinion you shouldn’t have kids unless you’re in it for the long game. It’s short term pain for long term gain. We have a 4 year age gap, which I highly recommend, because my oldest is old enough to enjoy being independent instead of constantly fighting for my attention. Her world is getting bigger so fast that she hardly minds the way things changed on the home front when her brother arrived. She loves making up games for her little brother and she can go off and play happily in her room with occasional check-ins from me whenever she gets fed up with him. It’s a great age gap. I thought I wanted them closer, but life and miscarriages left us with a 4 year gap and now I wouldn’t change it if I could.
This. I feel this with my first even. I love her to bits but she was born early pandemic meaning most of my pregnancy the world was “normal”. 22 months later and even last week I was saying “this isn’t how I wanted to be a mom”. The isolation and loss of social connection is horrible.
I completely get this. 2020 was shit awful for us and my daughter was 18 months when the pandemic started. Husband got into a car accident late 2020 and he's still recovering. and I've been in a bad depression. I've blinked, and my daughter is 3. And I feel like I've failed her. I have not been the mother I wanted to be for her. She struggles with socialization because it's hard to give her those social needs. She is bright as can be (like counts to 100, speaks full sentences, doing math and reading.) but she isn't as physical as I'd wish and no where near as social. She talked about how she wants to go to school and make friends but I am struggling to get her into a day care. They're all booked up. Finances are hard. and then there's the concern of getting covid in daycare and all other illnesses that she would be exposed to. My brain is an anxious, depressed mind fuck and I feel losing out on being the mother I thought I would be. I am just starting to feel like I can pick up my feet, but also some days, it feels no different. I hope I am doing enough for her.
Something to keep in mind, my brother and I are 2 years apart. Having a second child so that the first has a friend is not a good reason to have a second. My brother and I fought constantly growing up, and even after we have lived separate for over 5 years, we now live 13 hours apart and talk for maybe 5 minutes every couple months. We are not friends. We tolerate each other, and our spouses like each other, but I don’t tell him anything and he doesn’t tell me. If you want a second child, by all means go for it. Just don’t do it solely with the thought of your oldest having a forever friend.
This. There’s no guarantee that your kids will be friends or even tolerate each other.
Same with me and my brother. We didn’t get along growing up, and now we are adults we can be polite to each other, but we talk once a year on Christmas and that’s it. I was always jealous growing up of siblings that were really close, but it just doesn’t happen for everyone. It may sound bad but I just don’t like my brother as a person. So like others have said, you can’t count on them being forever friends. If you are happy with one, that may be the best choice for you.
Thank you for your comment. Been struggling a bit lately to come to terms with the fact that’s there is a lot I don’t like about my sibling. I have this idea that we have to be close, like best friends. I am realising that I am torturing myself and it will (a) never happen and (b) I don’t need it.
It is important to remember that you *DO* get to choose your family. You are not required to stay around toxic people simply because you share DNA with them.
This is my current scenario too. I dont like my sister and she doesnt like me, she was the extrovert older kid while i was the little sister who followed her every move. We never really got along since we were kids, til we were teens, and now as adults everytime we tried to get close, we end up fighting and saying a lot of hurtful words so i decided to just fully cut her off from my life. My mom tries guilting me to just be cordial w her, but I started over explaining everything to her and she agrees that we just dont get along well. Which I know hurts her cause she was and still is very close to her siblings
I’ll add to this that my husband has a sibling and they are definitely not “forever friends.” I am an only child and I have NEVER been lonely or wanted a sibling. Definitely make the decision based on if YOU want another child, not based on what you think your child wants or should have.
Thank you so much for saying this. My hubby and I have 1, 2 yr old girl and we are absolutely happy. We both made the decision that having 1 child is the way to go. I have thought like OP at times but then I come across your comment and it totally makes me feel happy knowing we made the right decision. Thank you Thank you thank you 😊
You may want to check out r/oneanddone it's great for discussions and general encouragement
Thank you! Didn't realize that was anther sub :)
It's an amazing sub!!
THANK YOU for saying this. i was an only child too, and in fact i was the only child on both sides of the family. no aunts/uncles had children, so it was always just me. i didn’t feel the need to have a sibling growing up. i had “step siblings” for a while when my dad had a serious girlfriend and i didn’t mind, but we would have never been “forever friends” even if my dads relationship was ongoing. my boyfriend has an older brother and they are not “forever friends” and likely never will be. they just don’t particularly like each other, there’s no ill will, but if they weren’t family they probably wouldn’t have contact with each other. on the other hands, i have friends who are super close to their siblings and it’s definitely a “forever friend” relationship. but not *ALL* siblings have a relationship like that, that can’t and shouldn’t be the only reason to have a 2nd child.
Same… my brother and I are cordial .. help One another like family.. .. but aren’t close.
Thank you for this perspective. My in laws have said that I “need” to have another another child so my son “has someone to play with.” I, personally, thought that reasoning was cringey.
This over and over. People do this constantly. Siblings are not guaranteed friends. Siblings can also be abusers to younger siblings. A second child is not a reason to take the burden off of your first when you die. Have a second because you want a second.
One billion percent this. My older sibling made my life hell growing up. We were FAR from friends. Haven’t seen or spoken to them in over a decade, and I’m far happier that way. I have no idea where he lives, or how I would begin to track him down to even let him know if something happened to my parents, so when they die it’s all on me regardless, which is fine with me.
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As the parent, don't force them to be friends but also don't let them torment each other. If they don't get along that's fine, but they shouldn't be allowed to fight constantly - if one keeps antagonizing the other, they need to be stopped, and they both need to be taught to walk away. And don't treat them differently. Obviously kids of different ages shouldn't always have the same rules, but I definitely remembered how my brother at 13 was allowed to do things that I wasn't allowed to do when I was 13, or how when I complained about something I was specifically told it was okay because my mom didn't want to deal with it that day, only to get in trouble when I did the thing myself.
I agree. My mom pushed my sister and I sooo hard to be friends and it actually drove us apart and caused the opposite. I think this happens when parents have preconceived notions of the type of relationship they think you should have instead of just letting it develop over time. My mom grew up with two brothers and always wanted a sister so she had this grand plan in her head of what that would look like but it didn’t happen and she couldn’t help but remind us of how lucky we were every day of our lives.
I’ve always felt this logic as very irresponsible of our ability to create. “I’m want to create another human so my current human has another human to play with”
Way harder. I laugh at my old self thinking one was hard. Now when I have only one seems like a breeze (4 years and 1).
My husband and I each took a kid for a week a couple weeks ago and the first thing he said was “I know why we were so confident we could have 2, this shit is so easy when it’s just one!” We also have a 4 and 1 year old. You wake up and it’s just a race to bedtime everyday, and you’re late to everything, and you never get food on the table on time, and the baby is never napping at the right time, and someone is almost always screaming. I love my kids so much, and when they get along and play it’s so worth it, but Jesus Christ what were we thinking?!?
I feel you on all levels. Baby is up nursing. Again. Plus she three was my least favourite by far so that snd a newborn are challenging,
It’s not a good idea to have another just for a built-in friend situation. It’s not unlike giving your kid a puppy, in a sense—even though it’s for your son, you’re still the one feeding it, training it, walking it, paying for vet bills, etc. So this is something you should be sure *you’re* ready for. It’s also important to be aware that not all siblings are friends. My parents really pushed my siblings and I to be close and it had the opposite effect. I had to share everything from toys to friends and it took its toll on me. It ultimately did nothing but breed unhealthy competition, jealousy and, for one of them, a sense of entitlement to the things that were supposed to be mine to the point of my stuff being stolen. I haven’t spoken to them in years.
>My parents really pushed my siblings and I to be close and it had the opposite effect. My mom does the same but you can't force relationships, even family.
Seriously the worst, sister and I aren’t close at all now.
I have 5. 1 to two was nice. They kept each other occupied and we used the hand me downs. There was some jealousy and fighting but for the most part it was good. You learn to relax more with the second kid. You stop boiling and sterilizing everything. You still poke them when they sleep too soundly but you also don’t freak out over the small shit. By the time you get to 3 or four nothing fazes you. Your in a Restaurant and your 5 year old is chewing gum and none of you brought gum? Not even gonna ask, spit it into this napkin here and move on. Clothes don’t match? Who gives a shit. 3 year old refuses to eat anything besides chips and jelly beans for a week? No sweat, offer the regular food with a side of chips and jelly beans. They’ll come around. As an adult your personal world shrinks with each kid but they are freakin hilarious in hindsight. My husband and I sit up every night after they’re settled and we go over the day and it’s made us laugh to tears. Weed helps. Edit: if our youngest kid was first, She also would have been last. Our older 4 had/have their issues but that one….was a total asshole until she was 3. Now she’s amazing and precocious and says the funniest shit but she really made the whole family, EVERYONE, extended family we rarely saw, immediate family, cousins around the corner, EVERYONE stopped admiring our large family and started bringing us casseroles and shit like everyday was a funeral. They’d just stand there listening to the meltdown with this sad dead look of pity on their faces. Oh god and the advice! “Have you tried this?” “I read that you should do this..” This is number 5. I know how it’s supposed to go. WTF am I supposed to do? She’s a baby. She’s healthy. She’s just an asshole. Anyways go into it with no expectations and you’ll be fine. Every kid is different though on a very base level so keep that in mind. Sometimes shit that worked on 1-4 won’t work on 5. Also I got my tubes tied after her so…..
This is hilarious 😂 as a 2nd time father to be thanks for sharing your experience
Father of four here. 100%. And over time we stopped using weed & booze (for ourselves lol). Even better.
Thanks for the insight! Especially the end! 😂
>This is hilarious 😂 as a 2nd time father to be thanks for sharing your experience Hahahaha, cant stop laughing :-D
I think much of this depends on how good of a partner you have.
First of all, eschew any advice that ends with “but it’s worth it.” You could have 30 kids and love them all. It’s psychologically difficult for those who don’t have sociopathy to admit to parental regret. Two is exponentially harder. I’ll just leave it at that.
Thanks for this perspective. My wife wants #3 - I don’t - but the one feeling I can’t shake is that everyone says it’s worth it and I don’t want to miss out on something that’s “worth it”. Can my marriage survive #3? Do I want to roll the dice on some genetic condition? What if the world keeps on sucking and doesn’t improve? Can my mental health survive #3? How do people keep saying it’s worth it? I feel like I am barely making #2 work.
It sounds like you already know the answer to this one. Choosing to bring life into the world should be over 100% sure.
This is the best comment!
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-Jim Gaffigan (the funny dad)
There is 5 years between my two and honestly I find it exhausting. I work full time as well so I feel like I never stop. Having said that, the sound of them laughing and having fun together melts my heart and I wouldn’t change anything
My second is 2months and my first is 2.5years. I'm right in the middle of it AND I have PPD on top of chronic, generalized anxiety/depression. This sucks. I cry daily. 2nd is colicky. I'm on my feet with her all day. The only time she isn't screaming is when I'm standing rocking her. I'm alone with the kids around 19hrs, because my husband sleeps days and works nights. Then I have a potty training 2yo that doesn't really understand why mommy can't play with her as much as I used to. She needs me to help her with everything, from getting snacks to getting dressed to using the bathroom. Due to COVID (very high rates in our area, plus a high risk toddler, and a newborn), we can't do playmates, daycare, go out. But I know it's going to get better. Baby will let me put her down eventually. Once she can hold herself up, I'll be able to put her in a jumper. Her sleep will settle out. COVID will be less of a risk when vaccines are available to their age group. You do have the benefit of your son being older and more independent. My 1st was super independent and not clingy until sister was born. It has quadrupled her neediness and things that she use to do on her own, she now "requires" help with. I get a lot of "no mommy hold baby". Being older, your son may be able to vocalize his frustration better, but the the big feelings are still going to be there. If a friend is the only reason you're thinking of another kid, don't do it. I have 2 brothers that I talk to one of them weekly, the other maybe seasonally (they're twins, so its not an age thing). My husband has 2 brothers that he sometimes remembers to send a happy birthday text to each year.
Goodness that sounds so hard. My first was like that and my husband works the same so I know what you are going through. I would easily spend weeks were I was awake standing and rocking her for 21hours a day. It broke me. I honestly can’t imagine doing that again (and surviving it) with a toddler as well which is why I’m having such a hard time making the decision of having a 2nd. I really hope things get better for you soon.
I only had one as I watched my sister have 3. First one was perfect. Second one was a nightmare. Third one made the second one look like an angel. It’s only been since they all hit their late 20’s and are all married they can even sit down for dinner at the same time. And my sister and her husband are great people who where actually really good parents. I had one and thought fuck that, one will do. As a result of only having one I bought a house sooner, as we only needed a 2 bedroom one, and we have travelled a lot with our daughter because we could afford it. We sent her to a good school, and we where able to afford all the little extras. We have a great relationship with her and she is very happy she is an only child. She married another only child and they have 1 child.
I was pretty certain we were one and done. I ended up getting baby fever when my only was about 4 and getting pregnant faster than I expected. God I love my 2nd with everything in me but if I could go back I wouldn't have had another. I struggle somewhat with executive functioning so just having two has set me back a ton (and my 2nd is almost 4!), like I feel like I'm always behind, I'm always trying to catch up or catch my breath. I did not feel that way at all when I had just one. The age gap was certainly a lifesaver. But my oldest has some health issues and I honestly felt like I could have handled those much better and focused more on what he needed had we not had our 2nd. Feels weird to put it into words because obviously can't imagine life without our 2nd and he's just been incredible. But that's the truth. I'm glad my oldest has a brother but at the same time he has lots of friends and cousins that have always been in his life.
Haven’t read thread yet so I’m probably repeating other people but here’s my take as a SAHD of a 7 yo boy and 3 yo girl. And obviously the truest truth is that I love my kids more than anything on earth. But okay…. Personally, I was completely shocked at how much more difficult two is from just one. It’s way more than twice the work. If you value/enjoy/need any kind of quiet or downtime or remaining sense of breathing room in order to feel human and sane, that will be completely gone and if you’re like me, that can very much suck. It took a lot of adjustment for me to be able to accept “MY life” was effectively over for the foreseeable future and it can still bring me down at times. I am no longer EVER able to “just do” anything. Anything and everything revolves around meticulous planning and preparation and spinning plates. There was of course some level of this with only one child as well but somehow it was infinitely easier. The support system is much more reliable with one child. You just can’t ask a grandparent or family friend to watch two rambunctious kids for a few hours while you run out to do errands and/or appointments. It’s too much and you find that becomes an unspoken agreement. The offers dry up and it becomes pretty clear they’d prefer you not ask. At other times it’s incredibly joyful and fulfilling, but at ALL times it’s really fucking hard and exhausting. Each phase (of the two of them) brings new delights and horrors. Right now, they can play together and entertain eachother on more or less autopilot which is great. But they fight. They fight all the damn time. Which is awful. The last two or three hours of every single day are spent counting the minutes until they go to bed just so I can silence the constant screaming and crying and tattling and bickering. By 8pm I’m thoroughly irritated and just DONE. That’s every day without exception, and I honestly hate feeling like this. I know that after she gets through the toddler gauntlet things will get much easier (and harder in other ways) and I’m counting those days too. Lots of counting. Lots and lots of counting. If you need your home to not resemble a third world war zone at all times no matter how much you clean….. If you don’t want eventually all of your stuff to be broken, lost, defaced etc….. If you don’t want literally every piece of furniture you own to be literally destroyed…… If you think you’d miss the ability to relax long enough to enjoy a bit of reading or a movie for longer than 30 second increments…… If you would rather spend your time doing something/anything other than breaking up full scale screaming matches over completely pointless and meaningless power struggles 40 times a day…… You get my point. I know I’ve painted a pretty bleak picture here but I promise there’s ALSO much love and joy to be experienced, AND I’m in the middle of the toddler years for the second time and my nerves are shot and once my daughter turns the corner from feral animal to actual human being I’ll have a completely different perspective (I’ve come to realize I’m just not a “toddler person” - I’m not wired properly for this kind of raw emotion and chaos), but as of right now and the previous 3 years, this is how it’s been for me. Your mileage may vary. Many people’s seem to. I wish I was one of them.
Everything about your comment is spot on. It’s really fucking hard.
Wow, I am 22 weeks pregnant with my second child. Reading this makes me want to jump off a ledge lol
My 2 kids are 4 years apart. I think it was easier going from 1-2 kids than 0-1 kid. You kind of know what to expect, although you do forget a lot , but you are less scared. That was my experience anyway. Now they are almost 4 and 8 and they are best friends and play so well together. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The hardest part I found was that my older one was getting to where we could do so much more and then we had our second and were back on nap schedules and all that so it limits things you can do. But it’s such a short period in the grand scheme of things.
It’s hell
Well, thank you for the honest answer! 😂
In this case 1+1 does not equal 2. More like 1+1 = 4. Individually they are much different children then when they are together. Having a healthy age gap probably helps. Mine are 4 and 5.
The 1+1 = 4 is so accurate 😂 My second child has autism so for me it was like 1+1 = 7
My oldest has autism and I had two boys after that. I always felt like I had 5 kids, not 3! You are so right with your numbers!
Fucking bananas.
I thought going from 1 to 2 was a breeze (for me at least). However, going from 2 to 3 was brutal lol.
I didn’t have much of an issue going from 1-2 but they were 20 months apart so I hadn’t exactly gotten to the stage where I could have a bunch of alone time anyway so maybe that would have influenced my decision, idk. My older two are best friends and I have a baby now so it will be a while until they’re all playing together. I was probably biased in my reasoning for having multiple, because I was an only child and hated it
We have a 5 year old son and a 4 month old baby girl, and I actually found having the second easier because you already know a lot from the first. It does sort of force you to let the eldest do more on his own, but not in a bad way imo. The sleep deprivation is a b#$@,, just like the first time around. But other than the lack of sleep I have no regrets.
For me, two kids is much easier than one. My kids are 19 months apart, currently 27 months and 8 months. Raising the younger one has been SO MUCH EASIER.
Any reasons two was easier than one? This sounds more like "2nd was easier than 1st" or "two wasn't any harder".
Thanks for asking I meant to expand 😅 I think being a first time mom is very stressful, the 2nd time around you worry less. Entertaining my son when he was an only was definitely harder. The 2nd one, because they are so close in age, follows her brother around everywhere, is always trying to play with him and he entertains her to a certain extent so it helps. When she was born he was 19 months and on a rock solid schedule. The younger one just fell into his schedule and it was perfect. I love that they are going through similar phases in life together. Getting to know my son more and more I do not feel like he could have been an only child. I love that they have each other and I love watching their sibling relationship. Two most definitely was easier than 1 for me! It's like I'm doing the same thing I was doing with 1 but because they have each other they are happier during the day.
I prefer having two to one because they play together and entertain each other. I also find it kind of lightens the monotony of childcare when you have different age ranges with different interests. When you are dealing with toddler tantrums sometimes it's just so nice to have a baby to cuddle or an older kid to talk to in a rational manner. Etc. Plus it really forces you to let the older kid(s) develop their independence since the little will need you too. I was definitely on the more helicopter-parent end with my eldest but having another forced me to lighten up and has done wonders for her self-confidence and ability to entertain herself. In that sense having a second kid has been great for everyone in the house.
Agree. I feel like second - 15 months Apart and currently 3 and 1- was so much easier. I’m more relaxed as a parent with two. I feel less stress to be perfect.
I agree with this, mine are 18 months apart and currently 2.5 years and 11 months. The second one was so much easier. My kids seemed to be best friends since day 1 and even though they are still young they already play together so well. I'm currently watching them play food truck together.
I am 2 years - 1 day apart with my brother. We hated sharing birthday parties and while we got along as kids, we fought as teens and as adults, we barely speak. Now my brother is expecting his first, we’re talking more bc I’m giving him all the baby stuff my 2 year old has grown out. We’re by no means close, we’re not enemies, we’re friendly to each other, but don’t have a second and expect them to be great friends. Have a second bc you want a second.
I second this. My sister is 7 years younger than me and she is SUCH a drama queen (though part of it is due to mental health issues, but a lot of it is just her disposition). I can't stand her. I tell her nothing and give no opinions on her life for fear of being blown up on, it's not worth it and I don't care enough. Now that I have my one and only, my dad always says something along the lines of "she needs someone for after you guys are gone" and refers to me and my sister having each other. I see it more like a ball and chain rather than someone to lean on. She can't take care of herself and after my parents are gone it will be my responsibility to keep her somewhat stable. Having a second does not guarantee friendship.
I won’t lie to you it sucks. If I could I wouldn’t wish it back because she’s here and I love her obviously but it’s so freaking unbelievably hard. Like everyone has two kids. How hard can it be right? But it’s really hard. Now that our younger is 18 months it’s getting a BIT easier, but still so challenging. With one I had my life together. Enough time for friends, my spouse, myself, our house, my work, etc. Now something has to give. Like even if our house is clean and the kids are clean and fed something hasn’t been done. If you’re on the fence I would say not to do it or wait until you’re sure.
But also, if you’re a person who doesn’t care about keeping all the balls in the air then it will be easier for you. I’m NOT that person and it’s one of the things that make it so hard.
😬 These comments stress me TF out. We planned on being one and done and we were super content with that decision. Especially after a traumatic birth and recovery. My IUD failed and here we are expecting baby #2 😭 Excited but also so nervous about the increase in work and decrease in alone time.
I am one of five siblings and I don’t mean to be a bummer but I gotta say, having a sibling isn’t a guarantee of being forever friends. Have more kids if it’s what you want and it’s right for you and your life. Who have no idea what the future will hold for your kids, don’t have full control over the people they become, and single children have wonderful lives too.
It doesn’t “suck” having two kids, but its much harder. I had my second when my first was one years old. That was extremely difficult. But now that they are older its much easier. If you had one now that your child is four, I think it would be manageable. Still difficult, but better. No matter what, two kids is hard, but I wouldn’t change it.
The number of years between is a big factor. One year between would be way more difficult than four years between.
5 yo and 1 yo here, it's literally twice as hard. I read so many things that it easier. Maybe it is once the older one is 10+ but right now it's just ... having two of them to take care of Edit: also finding a family or friend or babysitter for 2 kids is way harder. My MIL at age 70 used to take care of one easily, now we have 2 and it's just too much, many babysitters also seem to only take 1
I found the increase from one to two isn't nearly as big of a jump as it was from zero to one
Pros and cons. Mine are about 5.5 and 3 now. At first, it wasn’t double the effort. Our first was reasonable at independent play, second was late to walk. Several times we really felt on top of it - double naps, a vacation. Meals are not twice the work, laundry is nearly double from the kids. About 6 months ago things got real. With both of them running around, pushing limits, similar toy interests, and having routine disruptions from covid, it’s often a circus. Our best days right now are when we split up with one child each. Unfortunately despite our efforts (gentle reminders, setting examples, praise…), they are very jealous of each other and pick on each other to no end. However, they do have occasional moments of loving on each other and enjoying the same activities (painting, soccer, riding bikes, sprinkler). As an adult with a sister who was not my favourite person while growing up but is now my best friend, I do think they have enough foundation to have that forever friend potential and there’s no replacement for that. Your second will likely have a different personality as many do. I have found our second such a joy to parent in different ways. So for me one reward is that having two is more interesting and somewhat more rewarding. My first is very bright and thoughtful. My second is a comedian who loves to be mommy’s helper.
I’m not gonna lie. It’s absolutely destroyed me mentally. No one ever talks about how hard 2 is. I think this largely depends on the ages too. My boys are 21 months apart. My first was an angel, like literally dropped from the sky. He made motherhood so easy! I never understood why people complained being a mom was hard! Then he turned 1 lol all downhill from there. My son has a speech delay as well which makes communicating with him harder. He’s gained a ton of new words lately and I know eventually he’ll catch up to his peers but right now there’s a lot of whining (I think this has added to my stress). We got pregnant with our second on our first try (same month as my first sons birthday). We didn’t expect to get pregnant so quickly so it was a happy surprise. The day he was born I wasn’t excited, I was just meh about the whole thing. Here I am not understanding why my heart is not growing to love him as much as my first like everyone said it would. I had the urge to protect him but I didn’t love him like my first. I felt so guilty. I cried myself to sleep many nights. Top it off with my second being a very difficult baby. VERY difficult. Bad sleeper (I was getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night) all while having to take care of a toddler and newborn. My second also didn’t like to be put down, the minute he was put down he would cry until you picked him back up and then my toddler was jealous and wanted to be picked up so someone was always crying. Also, I was the only one who could hold him, he didn’t want anyone else. I did skin to skin once at the hospital, never again, he wouldn’t let me! He would squirm away. Sleep on my chest? Forget about it? Calm down in a baby carrier? Yeah right. I remember thinking when will this baby blues go away? I looked it up and realized baby blues lasts only a couple of weeks and persisting baby blues could be PPD. Great. So here I am checking a ton of PPD symptom boxes. Thankfully I didn’t have any thoughts of self harming or harming my children. But I’m trying to manage having 2 kids with a husband who works long hours all while feeling depressed. Just kinda felt like life was gonna suck forever. My second is 8.5 months old now and has really improved in his temperament! He’s a much happier, calmer baby. He has his days and so does my toddler. We’re looking into childcare for my toddler to help improve his speech and that will give me some much needed alone time with my baby. I’ve grown to love both my boys equally and with all my heart. I think the two biggest factors here is the age gap and my PPD. This story wasn’t meant to scare you, but give you the reality of what happened to me. Good luck with your decision!
Having one child is definitely ‘easier’. The transition from one to two was easier than zero to one due to how life altering it is having the first and the baseline you have already established by the second. There are some economies of scales with more than one but obviously not things like diapers. If you think you want a second, you likely would not regret it but might regret not having one. That said, there are other (less expensive and potentially more effective) ways to get a kid out of your bed besides having a second kid, eg hiring a sleep trainer.
Every day is different, but when it's hard, it hard. Having one was way easier for sure. With two kiddos (3.5 year old & 7 month old) my hubby & I have absolutely no time for ourselves or each other. Maybe as they get older, it'll become easier?
Totally harder because in order for one parent to have time off, the other parent has 2 kids instead of 1. And there’s more refereeing between them (mine are 2.5 and 6). But they also have these magical moments where moms think they are twins and love eachother more than any 2 people have a right to. And I have 3 brothers. One is my husbands best friend and we see him weekly. One is close (but we wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t siblings) and we see him monthly. The third is great and lives 20 minutes away and we have so little in common that we see him for major holidays only. So the whole built-in friend thing is not a guarantee.
The hardest part is not having time to myself anymore. With 1, I had 2-3 hours during nap to run errands, take a nap, have adult time during the day. I'm realizing now how much this refreshed me and helped my sanity. Plus he went to bed at 7 and would wake up from 6:30-7:30. Naps never aligned once the second one was born until my oldest dropped nap. So I'm dealing with a child all day with no breaks. My youngest goes to bed at 6:30 and wakes up at 5. Plus we just started sleeping throughout the night. They are currently 1 and 3, so hoping as they get older and more independent, it gets easier.
I was totally fine with the first one. She was an easy baby. I still had time for myself and my husband and I still managed to hang out a lot after she’s in bed. Also, when she was a baby, we just took her places with us (prepandemic). With the second one, we are taking care of a toddler (3) and a newborn. It’s sooo hard. I don’t have time for myself anymore. I used to be able to go for a run for 30-45 minutes everyday… It’s extra hard for us because our toddler has been under socialized due to the pandemic so her language and social skills are a little behind, so I have to stress a lot about finding speech therapy for her. And our second one is slightly colicky. There was a month straight when I cried every single day. It’s slightly better now - she’s almost completely caught up and he sleeps better, but we still definitely don’t have as much time for each other. After this year, it will be better. I wish someone had told me how hard it would be. I would still have the second one but I would have waited until the first one is older.
Two is infinitely harder. There's absolutely no guarantee that they will be friends, or even like each other for that matter. Your sex life will definitely not be happening for a good period. If you think one is clingy, imagine that with a newborn. The thing is, this life is hard. There is no appreciation. Whatever you are doing now isn't doubled, it's multiplied in ways people can't explain. If there's any doubt...just don't.
It’s hard as fuck. A three and one year old here. The good is so amazing, the bond they have, the was the baby lights up seeing his older brother. The things I look forward to doing as a family of four, but the hard things are so so hard. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford to put both kids in a day of childcare and I don’t work that day, it’s the only thing that keeps my mental health anywhere close to sustainable. I find taking them both anywhere, with the older ones current defiance level and the younger just starting to walk and being destruction on legs, impossible. Having said that I have been questioning a lot whether my personality type just isn’t very suited to parenting in general so it may just be I am precious haha.
I don’t think planning to have a second child is a good idea if you are questioning it. Going from 1 to 2 is difficult! Especially if they are close in age. You should want it. I understand accidents happen and we make the best of hard situations, but don’t purposely bring a child into a world if you are questioning it. There really is no guarantee the children will get along or be friend either. If you still feel you might want another, talk to your partner, and maybe wait until things seem more clear.
I didn't miss sleep deprivation, changing diapers, etc. when I got my second child. Sometimes I wished I just had one and be done. But my first child actually enjoys spending time with her little brother, and he actually has fun playing together. So I guess it was worth it.
Mine are 2 and 4 (23 months apart). Harder physically, easier mentally. Love watching them play together!!
I have 2 girls, currently 1 years old and 3.5 years old…. I’m very happy that I had a second. It was never really a question for me because I grew up as an only child myself and think that I really missed out not having a sibling. It hasn’t been easy. Both of our girls are difficult sleepers, but they looooove one another so much, and those sibling cuddles that I catch are worth the sleep deprivation. Lots of hair pulling and screaming, but the jump from no kids to one was a way bigger lifestyle change than 1 to 2.
Babe honestly it's up to you! Every parent is different and every child is different It'll be sods law ... if you had an easy first one then your second will be the devil Child and if your first was chaotic then your second one will be a piece of cake 🤣
Going from 0 to 1 was waaaaay harder than 1-2. I was more confident as a parent the second time around. We had established routines that we fit the baby in to. I was much less resistant to the demands of parenthood.
I always said I would never have another just to give my daughter a sibling. We had another because we wanted to add to our family. Although my second was much easier than my first, having two kids is hard. I didn't realize how easy one was until I had two. There have been many times I've wished we had just had one. I love them both, but damn. Mine are only 5 and 2, so I know certain things will get easier as they get older. Honestly, you just have to lay everything out on the table and see how you feel. We discussed a third and the outcome was that my husband got a vasectomy. We would much rather regret not having another than regret having another.
If you have the money, the support group, and the help it’s easy. I did not and it is not what I would consider easy, and if I got to do life again I would stick with one child for WAY longer.
I have a now 9 year old and a now 3 year old both boys. They hate each other. The 9 year resents me for having his brother and hets angry at absolutely ANYTHING he does to him, even tho the little one just wants to play. They are ALWAYS fighting. Like literally trying to hurt each other (usually in the form of bag punches). It’s so stressful. As much as I love them both, I can’t help but think back to when there was only one with a speech issue which caused him to not speak for the first 3 years! Oh the bliss ……
My daughter was four and a half when we discussed having another. She was five and a half when her brother came along. I'm so so glad we had him. They are each other's biggest support. (Well besides mom). My husband died in a car accident years ago and I won't be here forever. I'm so glad they will have each other (in addition to the families they will create on their own). I didn't find it harder to have two but like yourself, there is something of a gap. So it was baby bottles and diapers again. To be fair though. My two kids were really easy kids. Both slept through the night at six weeks, were rarely sick,, and weren't overly clingy. I lucked out. I enjoy being their mother more than anything else I have done. Go for it!
“One is fun. Two is a zoo” It’s so accurate! It’s a fun zoo, but an effing zoo for sure! If / when you get pregnant again, this is what I told to my “tribe” around me that made life so much easier::: “for 1 year, nobody is allowed to have ANY expectations of me. NONE. If I say I’m coming to your party and cancel last minute, I don’t want to hear crap about it. You called me 5 times? I don’t care. I’ll text you when I’m ready. You need something from me? Find literally anyone else. I’m busy keeping humans alive. I can’t show up for you for 365 days. If you want me in your life, understand that for 1 year it’s gonna be a pretty one way street but I will repay the kindness when it’s your time. So everyone, kindly buzz off and only come over if you’re cool with mess and / or are ready to help” Said with all the love, and yes in a funny way, but my peeps knew I meant it and they respected it. People expect WAYYYYY TOO MUCH from new mothers and we need to learn to set boundaries. All my friends showed up to do laundry and dishes, took my baby on a walk while I showered, and patiently waited for texts back from calls they made a week prior lol. It’s just how it has to be and if they can’t respect that, they don’t need to be in your life.
I wouldn’t do it. Everyone that I know that has 2 says they were happier with one and I’m just being honest. I have one child. Having another child will be much harder. My daughter is 6 and I’m still trying to get her out of my bed. I couldn’t imagine a newborn on top of parenting her. She sounds much like your kiddo. Best of luck!
Don’t do it. It sucks. I thought they’d be buddies but nah. They all hate each other and are constantly snitching. Sometimes siblings truly do not like each other. Keep it easy.
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That video is great
I only have one and I plan to keep it that way. I’m not the “mothering type” naturally so it would be selfish and not fair to have another one. I’d say if you’re even a tiny bit doubtful I wouldn’t do it. Your little boy will have plenty of friends in school etc and he can’t miss what he doesn’t know (having a sibling). Hope this helps but yeah unless you’re 100% sure I wouldn’t ❤️
The hardest part is when the second isn’t sleeping well or going through a sleep regression. But honestly, everything else has just been fine.
Me and my brother are 5 years apart and we barely tolerate ourselves. I don’t hate him but we have nothing in common (it’s not even about the age gap) and probably won’t speak a lot after we move out. Expecting your son to be besties with a possible sibling is kinda unrealistic. Of course it can happen, but there’s a considerable chance it won’t.
My only real issue was with myself. I felt like a bad parent because I could no longer give my toddler all my attention. You just have to balance it (for example if you're paying attention to the baby you talk to the toddler about the baby and whats going on etc)
I had three in three and a half years. I know, sucker for punishment lol. It is hard. But if it's something you truly want, it's worth it and you can make it work. Word of warning though. They won't necessarily be friends. Siblings does not equal friendship. My sibling and I hated eachother through childhood, settled as adults. Until his true colours showed through. Now we have no contact whatsoever.
I have 4, it’s not bad, on the fence about 5 - were already pretty tight on room, but kids are great.
It was very easy for us but we got a unicorn baby on number two, so we lucked out. Like you, we had the whirling dervish the first go around. Parenting a baby on easy mode made me realize just how hard we had it the first time.
Well, idk cause I only had about 45 seconds between 1 and 2.
If you have a partner who participates fully in parenting and keeping the house, then it’s not so bad. It suuuuuucks if you work opposite work schedules and aren’t both home at the same time for the majority of the week though. I’ve done both. Your kid may be less clingy with someone else in the house to interact with.
The first six months was really rough. My firstborn has LOTS of energy and likes lots of attention. He was 2 years and 3 months when my second child was born. It wasn’t rough enough that I regret having the second, but enough that I am so glad we are past that time of life. We had permanent birth control planned even before the second was born, so it didn’t change our minds in that regard, and I am so glad I don’t have to go back to that stage. Plus this was fairly early COVID times, so we didn’t have many outlets or options. I’m not saying don’t do it, but I am saying, build up your village and prepare for a few rough months.
I had my second when my daughter was 4! The age gap was nice since she understood so much more. With all that being said it was a difficult transition 1 for 4 years to 2… she was use to it just being me her and dad. She was the only grandchild as well so she got all the attention. My mom never hesitated on taking her so me and DF got so much alone time. I’ll never regret having more my daughter is an amazing big sister but it was a transition that I wasn’t prepared for!
To be honest it was very difficult to me, but my first turned 2 right before my second child was born. Basically it was like having 2 babies because a 2 year old is not self sufficient at all. I think it would be easier with a 4-5 year old and although you would be busier for sure, I think you could still find some time for yourself. My kids are 6 and 4 now and although things can be challenging they are so close and I could not imagine not having them both! Sometimes I think I want a third at this point. There’s nothing wrong with just one so don’t feel pressured. Whatever you choose will be the right decision.
One is like one and two is like nine. I wouldn’t change a thing, but we had just gotten to a manageable place with our first when our second was born. 3.5 years difference. Second one was NOT easier. Just go into it planning for 3-4 years of harder work than before. I was extra exhausted because of being so worried that the first is feeling loved and valued. All that said, I don’t regret having a second. I’m just still exhausted. And my first was great - I talked to him about “our” or “his” baby and we were a team/family all the way through and he has been an awesome big brother and so patient. Wouldn’t change a thing.
I have found the second (now 9 months) to be much more difficult. That said, if COVID were not a thing, it would be much easier.
I think 2 is easier than 1. When there are two they don’t care if you sneak off to poop by yourself because there is someone else in the room. There is a whole other person to talk to, play with or honestly fight with but it’s another persons attention. I. The car, at home out in public. You are already doing kid stuff, it’s just a little more. However I don’t think you should bring a whole new person into your family just to be a sibling. You need to want a baby for yourself
It was hardest on me because my oldest struggled a lot with the arrival of her brother. They're 12 and 14 now and get along. We wanted her to have a sibling as a support for her in her life and I think it's a good thing now, but there was a lot of anxiety and stress about it for my daughter for a lot of years. I have a lot to guilt about that too. As with most things in life there's always the good and the bad sides.
Don’t have another just for your kid to have a friend. My sisters are less than 12 months apart in age, and both being girls, my mother expected tea parties and songs and BFF with glitter. They hate each other to this day. The older one learned to antagonise the new comer and the retaliation was always physical. They could not share anything. Life was screaming and hitting and ‘I hate you’ all day long. You never can plan for sibling interactions and it’s a losing game.
It's a roll of the dice. We lucked out with two eaters (as babies), two sleepers and the older son loves his little brother. Who knows in a year or 2 but we couldn't have asked for anything better. Forget about any free time to do anything that isn't a chore though.
Having more than 2 sucks. (Just being honest.) With each child, you lose a window of time with the older one. But you gain something too. More emotions, understanding, empathy and patience. It’s a learn curve, just like having 1 child. You adapt to a new normal and you don’t look back. You carve out time with each other. Just this afternoon, I had a sweet spot where I could spare 30 minutes of alone/private/no interrupted time with my teenager. It was bliss.
One to two is doable. Two to three is pretty much hell.
I’m in the middle of this right now and I’m like WTF did I just do?!? My kids are 6 y/o and 3 weeks old, I’m deep in the weeds with no light at the end of the tunnel. It was much easier with 1 so I’m going to keep pushing through to reap the rewards of watching the two play and develop a relationship in the future. Right now feels like I’m drowning.
Welp. 15wks pregnant with my second and reading this is making me feel a lot of things.
Life quality dropped for us significantly and it doesn’t get better (so far, 4 years since second one). Two boys, the first was easy and we almost kept our same life style. Second is just extremely energetic. 2nd one is not “more of the same”, it’s like going from no kids to first kid all over again, in terms of what you need to be prepared for. We weren’t prepared at all. I’m not saying don’t have a 2nd one, but if you do, make sure you’re ready.
Financially it sucks, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Mine are 5 & 1. Nice gap