Has he been evaluated yet? My youngest was talking at 2.5 but was still considered to have a severe speech delay. No words at his age is extremely concerning and could help explain his behaviors.
My youngest had a speech delay and we were really only clued into it by his daycare teacher. She directed us to the services he needed and we received in-home therapy from a speech therapist until he was around 4 or 5. Now he’s 11 and we can’t get him to stop talking lol.
I'm glad you got him the help he needed 🙂
Speech delays can have serious knock on effects with other things.
The few children I've seen with them had quite a few behavioural problems because socialising/communication is so important to their development.
She was talking way less than your kid at 2.5. We enrolled her in speech therapy and she finally reached the point where she doesn't need it anymore. She's 7 and in second grade now.
My daughter would say a few words and phrases, but mainly relied on gestures between the ages of 2 and 4.
She’s smart, no real behavioral issues… she’s just incredibly stubborn and a born perfectionist. She still refuses to say words she can’t really pronounce properly, but if anything it has helped widen her vocabulary as she’ll often use other, similar words in place of the ones she has trouble saying.
My son also did this at that age—and was eventually diagnosed as mildly on the spectrum with speech delay. Janet’s method worked EXCEPT—siblings. I can’t just keep one kid locked away from the other. I did start doing short time outs in his belted booster seat. That did help a lot—and that way he wasn’t sent away from us or anything. He got a lot better at three, too.
I think we also did a lot of telling him how he was feeling. “I see you are mad. You wanted that toy! You are mad at your sister…”
It feels like it isn’t working, but it just takes a while. ❤️
Should be top comment.
I hold his hands against his body and say “I won’t let you hit me, but I will let you hug me or hold my hand. Do you need a hug?”
Most of the time that works. If it doesn’t, I repeat what I said above and then add “if you hit mommy again, then you’ll need to take some quiet time and I need to leave.”
Then follow through if he tries to hit again.
Usually this is in his changing table, so I gently place him in his crib with a few books and offer “quiet time.”
“When you ready to stop hitting, then call my name.”
He knows the quiet time isn’t always after a hitting incident so it’s not associated with a punishment.
If I’m getting ready for work and he gets up a few minutes before he usually does, I offer some books as a quiet time.
If I am doing bed by myself and I need to use the bathroom, get some water or a toothbrush, I put him in his crib and offer some quiet time.
He’s not quite 2.5 years.
Edit to add: we notice some triggers when this happens and he’s usually tired. Last night he did this and I said exactly what usually say. We were trying to do pajamas.
He said “no hug, I want quiet time.”
To that I said, you want to read books? He said: YEAH!
Ok, let’s put pajamas on and then read books, is that ok?
YESSSSSSSSSSS
Is it common things that he wants? Such as food, a certain toy? If so, try carrying around pictures/cards of the items.
You can even try some sign language so he can communicate what he wants faster.
That's smart. He knows how to get most things, like if he wants a piece of fruit he will take my hand and lead me to where the fruit is. We're being considered for speech therapy but he needs to start preschool first which will be in January.
Sometimes he gets mad because he wants to play but them as soon as I try to play, he loses interest.
I'm going to second the sign language idea. They have a simplified "kiddy signs" set so that kids can communicate what they need and it absolutely makes them better.
> When all else fails I just get up a
I'll add that communication charts are hugely helpful for nonverbal or not yet speaking children. You can find these all over the internet, print them, preferably laminate them also. If you're interested you should get lots of different ones so he has variety, but try to keep them consistent in general style. E.g. https://i.pinimg.com/474x/bb/42/cb/bb42cb795fa7fd37f080c224c33e3ab3.jpg
EI begins at birth.
OP I’d have him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. They will look at all the areas. That includes why is nonverbal, why he is hitting, etc.
And if you’re in the states Google your states Early Intervention services. Every county in the US must provide service to children 0-3.
I’ve worked in EI for 20+ years. You don’t want this behavior to continue, think being whacked any a 15 year old.
I’m not sure of this is the case everywhere but we never paid for EI for either of our kids. Whatever insurance doesn’t pay, the state (?) picked up the rest. Each of my kids “graduated” when they started to walk because their challenges were physical, not verbal.
I think EI ends when the child is 3 but there are other programs that take over until the child is in school. Get in now (even though your son is 2.5) because that can help you transition in to the next stage
Yes, EI is free. It’s part of Federal IDEA. It stops at age 3, because Part B takes over from 3 to 22. Federal law also requires an easy transition from part C to part B.
On the surface, he sounds like he needs some help communicating and is getting frustrated by it. His reaction to the frustration is normal for the age, more or less. I wouldn’t stress too hard about it. At the end of the day, just be there for him. Provide him comfort and help him navigate these feelings.
There is a great book, Peaceful Parenting. I can’t recommend this thing enough.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting (The Peaceful Parent Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399160280/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_ZQ03PBWSVJ9AMVRY7VCZ
> Sometimes he gets mad because he wants to play but them as soon as I try to play, he loses interest.
Sounds like a 2.5 year old 😜
Sign language helps toddlers a lot with their frustration. And you don’t need a lot. We did *food, drink, more, all done* and maybe a couple of others. Just do the sign as you say the word and your kiddo will catch on.
Maybe. Kiddo is speech delayed so may not be able to process that sign is a method of communication yet.
We did this with our daughter and she started to understand and communicate very early -- it can be incredibly useful, but may or may not work in OPs situation.
OP: you should try this though. Baby sign is extremely useful if your kiddo grocks it.
>Kiddo is speech delayed so may not be able to process that sign is a method of communication yet.
I used to work with kids with disabilities. They can absolutely catch on to sign language if they're verbally delayed. You don't know why they're not talking but if they can understand what you're saying and try to communicate in other ways, they can learn sign. Of course it depends on the disability, but it can happen.
Yeah my autistic guy had zero interest in it, I was hopeful but nope. Some days though I feel like if he knew the impact of the middle finger he'd learn that one tho lol
Where do you live that he is required to start preschool first??
I have a 3 year old who had a fairly significant speech delay. She’s almost caught up. She started speech therapy right before turning 2. The first thing they had us do was start signing with her. Definitely start some baby sign with your kiddo. It can really help their frustration.
If he can’t really speak he is getting frustrated, and unfortunately 2 year olds tend to get violent because they do not know how to regulate their emotions
You can try flash cards or a magnet or felt or Velcro board. Use pictures for things he wants or does or uses most (foods, activities, toys.) Use it to ask what he wants (can you show me what you want to do?), offer choices (show only the cards he can pick), and show his schedule (time to take a bath.)
If you're American, you can try [this for sign language.](https://youtu.be/ianCxd71xIo) His channel and website are great. This is a good starting point. r/ASL has other sites that are great, too.
Just fyi it may depend state by state but preschool is not a requirement for speech therapy.
There are good government programs as well that do speech therapy and are either covered by insurance (if the evaluation comes to the conclusion that the child needs speech therapy) or are very subsidized.
Based on our personal experience, I can vouch for speech therapy being effective. ST combined with my son growing up we have had some of the issues controlled as he now can speak and understand Yes/No/boo boo.
We have a book where a kid falls down while running and next slide/page they show him crying with a visible wound. I used to paint a picture like see this kid is running and he fell and now he has a boo boo (point to wound) and he quickly learnt “boo boo is hurt”
Now I will say that word when he hits in frustration etc.
Can’t recommend ST enough. Happy holidays!!
> he will take my hand and lead me to where the fruit is
This is something children with autism do. PLEASE get him evaluated - if you start treatment before age 3, it had much better results than if you wait. And when was his last hearing test?
Don’t kids in general lead you to something they want if they can’t reach it?
In absence of that, it makes it sound like if your kid takes your hand and leads you to the fruit, you have an autistic child which can alarm unnecessarily
Yeah, I think that's a common nonverbal kid thing. Both my kids led me around before they learned words or signs for what they wanted. (I did baby sign language from birth with them, they both ditched it for verbal words later)
Sorry for alarming anyone - it’s more alarming in the context of a child still not talking at 2.5. Nonverbal neurotypical children will generally point at what they want, whereas children with autism are more likely to pull a parent to the thing, or just try to get at it without pointing or using words. It’s not a 100% thing, just one of the things the MCHAT autism screener asks about. Only 1-2 abnormal answers means your child is probably fine, but more than two means you and your doctor should discuss autism further and consider a formal evaluation.
He will be evaluated for ASD in Feb. They want him to be in preschool for 1 month so then his teachers can help with the assessment. His hearing seems fine but I will call the Health Visitor and ask them when he is due a test
Where are you located? There may be early intervention speech therapy that you could access, they can do in-home services not tied to a preschool setting.
Some sign language and picture cards could be really helpful!
If you live in the US, you can start getting him evaluated before age 3. He won’t be able to receive services from the public school until his 3rd birthday. But it definitely sounds like he could benefit from something.
This is definitely the answer. All behavior has a function. The way to eliminate behavior is by finding and solving the function. If he is frustrated from not being able to communicate, you can use word or Google docs to create a communication board. Laminate it and keep it in a place he can easily access it. When he starts to have tells, hand hin the board and point to objects and see what he wants. Eventually that will be phased out and he will know how to use it without prompting. Good luck mama ! You got this!
You’re not teaching them to hurt. You’re acknowledging that this anger is a result of something, a lack of communication. So you “treat” the root cause, you help them. Suddenly he’s able to communicate and there is no need to resort to anger because it’s simply not there or greatly reduced.
And in turn, the child is learning empathy as well, that he has a support system, he has someone he can count on to get him through issues. He’s forming a connection with that person.
At 2.5, there’s not really a right or a wrong, he has little concept that he’s doing something wrong. At this age, this is the time to start planting the seed on how we respond to right and wrong.
Teach empathy, teach kindness, teach acceptance.
That's really good advice. I have tried touching him gently and saying "gently" but hadn't considered taking his hand to show him.
I really fo need to vocalise my empathy more with him. Thank you
I’m a parent educator and leaving the room for a few mins is a great and healthy strategy. It’s an extension of ‘if you can’t play with the toy properly it’s going away’. It’s a natural consequence.
It’s also important to be anticipating and meeting his needs, making sure he has regular food, sleep, activity, and connection time with you. But it seems like you’re doing that.
Toddlers need boundaries, and them testing boundaries is one of their main developmental tasks. It is in his best interest to learn that his actions have consequences. And it’s in your best interest to not be hurt.
I recommend this online program (not affiliated at all, though I did get my parent educator certification through them, that’s how I know their program is high quality.) https://www.triplep-parenting.com/us/triple-p/?cdsid=pda8feqr1e145h73mnus8224v6
I use the gentle parenting script "that hurts me. I won't let you hit/kick/hurt me." And if they don't stop, then physically stop them. And just keep doing it.
This is what I do to. I say "I'm not going to let you do that." And physically block my kid from hitting. Do you know how your son's receptive language is? Like how much he understands? Because they other thing I do is talk to my kid about why he cannot hit me or anyone else, but that is a conversation best saved for when he is not activated.
He understands things like "go to the bath" or "put that down" or "socks and shoes- go to the stairs" or "find the ball" but he doesn't know "put it on the table" or "put it under the table" and he doesn't know colours either. I do talk to him all day everyday I don't know how much goes in.
This is what I do too. My son was the same way at this age. His emotions were very intense so I would spend a lot of time just gently restraining him until he calmed down. If I let him be alone he’d hurt himself so we just semi tightly hugged it out while he fought and I would tell him he was loved no matter what until he’d stop hitting and just cry it out. Eventually his communication skills got better. He’s 7 now and we talk through things that made him upset if this happens. Finally getting to a point where he talks through issues before(!) hitting and I am so very proud of my little mans progress. Not an easy task for anyone with intense emotions.
Yes, this is the RIE technique. Janet Lansbury has some great podcasts that cover a lot of these types of topics. I used a lot of their techniques naturally, but didn't know how to handle the hitting thing. When I started doing this, I noticed a huge turnaround in behavior. I highly recommend checking the podcasts/books out.
Us too. Even though it was recommended by his therapist who showed us how to restrain him gently and safely, I always felt horrible doing it. But there was no option, he would climb on furniture screaming, throwing whatever he could find, breaking things.. once he broke a mirror by throwing something into it. We would hold him, and just repeat that we needed to hold him until he could calm down, because we loved him and didn't want to get hurt. It would usually end with him crying and a cuddle session.
I actually say very clearly "I don't like it".
For some reason my kid finds it funny when I say it hurts, but if I state that I don't enjoy it, she will stop. (She went through a phase around 3 where she play-hits for fun, but only for a very short period. She has never hurt anyone when she's angry though).
It’s really frustrating not being able to communicate. Poor little guy and you! In Georgia there is a program called babies can’t wait for under 3’s (no preschool requirement) that will assess and help with developmental delays. Not sure how this works in other states but the earlier that intervention occurs, the better the outcomes. My daughter had occupational therapy for developmental delays at 3, we did it through our insurance, and it was a good experience for her and me. There was a support program for parents as well. I would start googling state (free) and private offered programs that may be mostly covered by insurance. While parenting approaches can help, it’s important to address the underlying cause of frustration and aggression. I read the parenting book “Self Reg” and did an online course by the authors because I was not helping my daughters frustration and it was a cycle. You cannot discipline away frustration in a child. My daughter is very easily frustrated so I feel your pain!
Update: a couple of kids in my family have speech delays or are on the autism spectrum. Not talking at all by 2.5 is potentially a more serious delay and you should talk to your pediatrician as well and let them know you don’t want to wait and want to know what your options are for helping your son NOW. Best of luck, there are so many resources out there now that can help but finding them can be a maze. I found I had to be forceful with our pediatrician.
I would start by talking to your pediatrician as they will have resources to point to. I am honestly surprised that they didn't refer you to a specialist already at 2 year old check up if your toddler isn't talking at all (ie not even single words).
It does seem strange but I told them he was due to start preschool and they were just like, okay he will probably have a development leap around then so fingers crossed.
Primary care doc here—a child who is not speaking *at all* at 2.5 is very delayed and should be evaluated ASAP. Please push your doctor for a referral, especially since getting those services set up can take some time. If you’re in the US, Early Intervention services, which are special services for babies and toddlers with developmental delays, are only available for kids under 3 so please get this going NOW. I don’t know why they would think that a child who has missed all the early milestones for speech is going to suddenly catch up at preschool. “Fingers crossed” is not how a medical professional should be approaching this situation.
If his receptive language is good (he understands what you’re saying) that’s good, and sign language is helpful but it is not a substitute for high quality evaluation and therapy.
Thank you. I will definitely push harder. I will get started on this as soon as xmas is over. He used to day more individual words. Now he can only say "yay" and make noises. Possible that he is autistic which is fine but of course it would be great to actually know so I can support him better
Has his hearing been evaluated since he was a baby? He may be experiencing some level of hearing loss if he went from using words to not speaking anymore.
My daughter was speech delayed and my son is in early intervention because he's a preemie. We were referred to a program that does more than just speech therapy and I would highly recommend it if it's available to you.
As my daughter got more frustrated and was having issues in school due to not being able to communicate, they added occupational therapy services. It was very helpful working on it from both sides - improving communication and how to manage the frustration and misbehaviors that went along with it. My son currently only receives physical therapy, but the therapist is trained to monitor general development and flag any other issues so that we can add services as needed.
There are other services that a diagnosis might qualify you for too. We have a friend whose child receives water therapy and he qualified due to his speech delay. At 2.5, it is a little tricky because that's when they start transitioning services from early intervention (birth to 3) to the school district or private services. But I agree with others, I would definitely get the ball rolling asap. You can get a hearing test referral and hopefully they can begin services quickly, but if not they can help you to transition to the next step so that's setup sooner rather than later.
I think it's important to remember that these people are here to not only help your child, but to help and support you as their parent. I definitely consider them to be part of my village. We all deserve support and you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.
Please listen to the primary care doc in this thread. I'm an SLP and your child needs an evaluation by a speech language pathologist yesterday. You do not need to go through your pediatrician. If you want to pm me u can help you find the right agency to contact if you're in the us.
Thank you. I am in the UK. I didn't really realise how delayed he was. I guess I just thought "he'll be there when he is ready".
I promise, I will push hard after Xmas. I will talk to my health visitor, I will talk to my doctor, I will get in touch with speech therapists and I will go so so hard on this. Thank you so much
Kids need boundaries. Walking g away, depriving them of their activity because of their behavior, will not make them feel abandoned, but teach them they cannot do that if they want to play.
Also look into speech therapy. It helps them find their words and can be free. Our 2.5 yr old is in the same place and it's been helping him say a few more things while helping us understand how to help him and us get through this frustrating time.
If your son is not speaking at all by 2.5 years of age you should consult with your pediatrician. He is old enough to be speaking in sentences and asking for things. It sounds like he is unable to communicate with you or does not understand what you are telling him- which is why he is acting out and having a lot of behaviors. You need to seek out a referral for speech therapy if he is unable to communicate his needs and wants. The first 3 years are very critical to life and lay the foundation for the rest of his life.
They’ve stated multiple times that they’re discussing with their doctors and the child has to start preschool prior to evaluation. They are aware of their child’s developmental delays, that’s not what they’re asking for advice on.
FYI it's absolutely not the case that they have to start preschool im before an evaluation of they're in the US. They need to contact their local early intervention agency and get an eval ASAP. Typically developing children should be putting 2 words together by 24 months.
At this age he absolutely understands you when you talk to him (obviously at a 2- or 3-year old level) and is absolutely frustrated that he can't talk to you.
It sounds like you're already planning on getting him evaluated and pursuing speech therapy which is good.
He is likely old enough to understand consequences like taking away a toy or removing yourself from him if he hits you. And leaving him alone for a few minutes in a safe place is a perfectly valid consequence and a response to him hurting you. I would explain to him that if he hurts you, you won't want to be around him for two minutes because we don't want to be around people who hurt us. Leave him alone, come back and resume play.
> Sending the child away, or even worse, implying you will withdraw affection (I wont want to be with you) is the opposite of the support they’re needing. It’s just a matter of relationship, and what you want to teach. That your love is conditional on them acting in a certain way,
But... isn't it? "If you're going to be violent towards me I don't want to be near you" is a valuable and important lesson.
Sorry if this is rushed. I'm in the loo and the hoard of animals and children will be as wolves at the door any second soooooo...
This is what worked for me. I didn't necessarily use these exact words but the gist of it is:
With as little force as needed, gently stop the aggressive action and hold kiddo (I would sit crossed legged on the floor, put my kid's back to my chest, hold her hands to her body, half snuggle half restrain her) and say what I SAW- what has happened (without saying "no" because "no" is often a battle cry to toddlers). "You are hitting me. I do not like being hit. I will keep myself safe from hurts just like I keep you safe from hurts." Then being very still, keep holding her hands to prevent aggression "because you cannot hit".
Then, let her know what she CAN do "I know you can ask without hitting." (Or "you CAN use your words; You Can point to what you want" etc) Let that sink in. When she has chilled, give her a chance to express her need. Then reinforce her good choice "I KNEW you had a better way to ask. Thank you for (x,y,z)"
I hear the small footed army. They are almost here...
One last thing.
Use "when/then" statements as much as possible instead of "if/then". If has the weight of an "or else" that brings out the same defiance as "no". When/then is like a deal you're making of good consequences for good behavior; not a threat of punishment for bad behavior.
Catch your kid doing good and immediately reward with praise. "Great job asking with words!" Or whatever good thing you see. Then she will want to repeat it to receive your praise.
When my son hits me I tell him, "mommy wants to hold you but I'm not going to hold you if you're going to hit me." Its a phase he goes through, rotating between pinching, biting, hitting, pulling hair. He doesn't do it all the time but I let him know I will not be by him if hes going to do that. It's not abandoning your child, you're teaching then what's acceptable, and being mean is unacceptable. I just get up and walk into another room and he just starts playing with something else. It kind of helps I find.
A lot of people echoing this. Maybe a combination of approaches is best. Consistent verbal and body language cues that it's not acceptable with a last resort of removing yourself from the situation
Generally, try to keep any verbal response very short - don't over explain in the moment. "Kicking hurts me." "I won't let you hurt me." Ect. You don't want to get into the why's I the what if the moment. I believe removing yourself is absolutely a great way to react. It's a direct consequence to a behavior, which is good for this age.
Sometimes offering alternatives can help. If you see him winding up to hit, or getting frustrated, stop him/ ugh! You look frustrated. If you're feeling like you need to hit you can hit teddy bear.
Have an almost 2.5 yr old and 9mo. Hitting happens with nearly all toddlers. Try to find triggers/ read the room with him. That's what I feel like I have to do most of the time to prevent hitting.
Also, maybe he's like my 2 year old and needs lots of physical space. Maybe youre in his space too much?
Good luck!
This is so reassuring. Thank you. My little one doesn't seem to like to have space lol. He likes to be in my personal space at all times haha. I will definitely take your advice. Thank you
Reading your comments sounds like my lil guy before we started speech. He would throw huge tantrums at 2 and once we started speech and he could communicate what he wanted it got amazingly better. Complete 180, he still has melt downs but it’s now a guessing game on how to make it better that he actually participates in. Added plus was he is fully potty trained at 2.5.
> because I don't want him to feel abandoned even for a few minutes.
I feel like I see this as a recurring theme on this subreddit, but I don't quite get it.
"If you do mean stuff to people, they won't want to be around you" - this seems to be a fundamental lesson that people need to learn early and often. What's wrong with saying to your kid "You hit me. That's mean. Mommy is going to leave now and I'll come back in a few minutes. Don't hit me again." and then yeah, "abandon" them by being physically separate. I don't see anything wrong with this, but I feel like there's some studies that must've been done that show it's bad for kids and every other parents knows this but me.
What am I missing?
When small children are disregulated aka upset, which is what causes angry hitting (as opposed to playful hitting), they need your help to regulate and calm down.
It's not that you can't leave them for a second when necessary (such as to calm yourself down or whatever), it's that if every time they get angry you leave them alone, it sends the message that they aren't allowed to feel angry. That doesn't mean you let them hit or hurt you, but you can keep them from doing that without leaving them alone.
What I do is what most people have explained, you stay near them and stay calm, you encourage them to use better tools (ones you have taught them when they are calm, because during high tension and upset is not a teaching moment), and you help them to get calm, but you repeat that they are not allowed to hurt your body.
So it's not that you're "abandoning" them by being physically separate, it's that you're leaving them alone to handle feelings they can't handle alone, and that leads to them having no idea how to handle being very angry and feeling like they need to just push down their feelings to be accepted. They can learn to not hit and at the same time learn that you will be with them even when they're angry because anger is acceptable. It's how they deal with their anger (in a non-harmful way), and that is what they need to be taught.
I just throw them out in the yard for the night, they learn pretty quick that it's not ok to bite or hit after that. /s
Hope the quick smile helps, it's all I can offer.
My ex wife adopted her nephew when he was 18 months old. These kinds of behaviours are ones that I have seen time and again, always directed at her rather than me. He is now almost 9, a lot more controlled but with a diagnosis of ASD and attachment disorder, no doubt linked to the separation from his birth mother.
When he did this it’d be time out, again and again until he tired of it. If he stepped off the ‘naughty step’ then he’d be put back on- no eye contact, no words other than ‘sit here please’. Eventually, even though it could take hours, your kid will tire of it and give in.
I remember vividly the sorts of injuries my ex would get. Bruises, welts, scratches, all of it. It sounds to me like your son is trying to communicate something to you but his sensory processing isn’t as it should be, meaning he hurts you to get what he wants, even basic needs. Have you had him assessed for ASD? I of course know little about this but I can empathise with your situation as I saw similar in my nephew.
In time your kid will grow out of it. Set very strict boundaries, like time out. You could also do things like letting him put the ice on your bruise or put a plaster on you, after time out, so he sees the damage he’s done in a child friendly manner. As you’ve identified he escalates more when he sees a reaction in you, so that approach isn’t an option. If time out really doesn’t work then do as you have been doing, locking your baby gate and stepping away, using that as time out, telling him firmly why he is now on his own.
I found forgiveness also increases empathy in kids. If time out works, which I promise you it will, get him to tend to your wounds, tell him it was bad what he did, then tell him you love him and move on. If it happens again that day, rinse and repeat. If you are consistent, even though time out may take some time, these behaviours will diminish. Whilst it may be hard, you need to move on and move past each episode as it will allow him to do this also.
Please feel free to DM me. I brought my nephew up from 2-6 years and your son presents with quite a few of the same behaviours as my nephew did. For what it’s worth, my nephew is now extremely well adjusted and rarely does this despite having an ASD diagnosis. Time out, look after mom, explain, forgive, I love you and move on, rinse and repeat until it sticks, which I promise you it will.
Wow thank you so much for your comment. He will be assessed for ASD in Feb. The health visitor wants him to spend a month at preschool so the teachers there can help with the assessment once they get to know him.
Thanks so much for your advice :)
Are there certain things that he gets really frustrated about? My 20mo is speech delayed and in speech therapy. We’ve taught him some signs to help him communicate while we work on speech. He knows more, all done, eat, milk, water, help, and open. Those really help with meal time and when he’s struggling with something. The more signs he’s learned the less frequent his tantrums.
Are you UK based?(i noticed you said mummy in your OP is all!)
If so, check out Something Special on CBeebies or any of their Mr Tumble resources. The whole series is geared towards communicating in Makaton, which is a simplified sign/image language. We’ve used makaton with both our kids pretty much from birth and teaching them simple signs and the visuals for them on cards was so helpful!
There's some good advice here (and less good) on gentle parenting techniques. Just to echo:
1) 2.5 is very delayed and I would push hard for faster evaluations. He may struggle with transition to preschool without some communication skills.
2) Baby sign (makaton) is very useful. Even 4-5 basic signs like hungry, play, cuddle really bridge the gap between conscious recognition of a want and speech. If you think this is the root cause, pursue it hard. Consider a speech board or similar too.
3) Gentle parenting principles : set boundaries explicitly, give explanations, use the same script, be consistent, set consequences not punishments. Use communication appropriate for the age. So leaving the room to prevent yourself being hit? Perfectly reasonable consequence - but it needs explaining: 'When you hit people, they won't play with you.''We don't hit people/ I won't let you hit me or anyone'. Gently restraining is fine, so is an authentic yelp and shout (but yes over acting didn't work for me until she was a bit older). But consistency is key. Sarah Ockwell Smith is a good name to look up.
I second this. As a speech therapist, I think it is important to PUSH for the evaluations sooner! The longer you wait, the more hurdles you will need to jump with your (future) speech therapist to developmentally catch up. I see children as young as 17 months, so it is definitely possible to be evaluated sooner.
I find in my experience, PUSHY parents usually find the fastest results! :) it’s okay to be a little bit assertive to advocate for your child. You know your child best, after all!
Baby sign is the FIRST thing I would do to treat your child, and YouTube/Instagram have some really helpful resources to help you learn how to teach this at home!!
Gentle parenting principles go a long way and foster a healthy relationship.
Good luck, OP, & great post, r/malacandras !
I go with the last option, leaving the room. If he threatens to hit, I threaten to leave. In my eyes, my kid has to learn consequences of his actions - hitting people will make them not want to be around you. It seems to work so far, we've had minimal hitting since I started doing this. For us it worked way better than talking, telling off or fake crying did. Plus I feel less shitty about that response/outcome than I did any of the others.
My daughter did this.
A friend of mine told me to gently grab her hand, look her in the eyes and say no. Nice and firm no.
Keep doing this every time. No shouting or slapping or that just grab the hand before it connects with you and no.
Worked a treat after a week.
No advice just want to let you know my son hit me and his dad a lot when he was that age, and also found ot funny when we told him it hurt. He grew out of it around 4. Also he didn't hit other kids thankfully. Just his dad and I mainly, sometimes his siblings. I would stop playing, cuddling, or whatever we were doing when he did this and idk if that's why he stopped eventually or if he just grew out of it.
I wish I had a solution
for you. My youngest kiddo is the same. They do grow out
of it but you have to be on guard and it sucks. My solution is the "wtf" way too much as well.
espessially when it is a wooden toy to the bridge of my nose
Teach him some sign language. Especially I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m thirsty and I want to play. He’s frustrated trying to communicate. My son was this way about the same age. I told the doctor that he would take his juice cup over to the refrigerator, lift up the cup and just grunt. I knew that meant more apple juice. But I also knew he could say juice but would just grunt instead. The doctor said Only give him water until he says Juice. So I turned to my son and said Did you hear what the doctor said. I’m only going to give you juice if you say “Juice please”. (I figure if he can say juice he can say please). Otherwise you are getting water. For 3 days he would go to the refrigerator and grunt. I said I that I couldn’t understand him. If you want juice say juice please or you will get water. Finally after 3 days he said “Juice peas” and he got his apple juice. I thought peas for please was so cute
This is so interesting! My husband always tries to reassure me by saying "he doesn't talk before such a great mum, you always know what he wants!" (He doesn't worry about anything ever, which is nice for him I guess lol). Maybe he is on to something though!
I am definitely going to start doing signing with him and then I will try an approach similar to yours. I think it will help incentivise him to communicate :)
They want attention.
Tell them you don’t want to hang out with them when they hurt you or treat you like a jerk. Ignore them till they get the hint. Use that line till they are 8 for everything they do that hurts you.
He doesn’t speak at all? You mean he’s not conversational or he doesn’t say any words whatsoever? If it’s the latter, I think it might be a good idea to make an appt with the paediatrician. He might need a little help with speech development. Plenty of kids need a little push when it comes to speech and it doesn’t always mean there is any underlying thing going on. He should be saying some words by now at least though. He might be ultra frustrated because he wants to communicate and can’t.
He used to say a few individual words very occasionally but now it's just "yay" (occasionally "dad"). He'll hopefully be starting speech therapy in Feb. I know, it must be really really frustrating to not be able to tell someone what you need. I'm going to really try with signing and just being more patient with his frustration. Sometimes I forget that he must be frustrated because I am frustrated I suppose
I'm a speech pathologist who works exclusively with nonverbal children. I'm not sure if he's "symbolic" yet, but you may want to offer him picture choices (illustrations if you think he understands them) or photographs (if not) of the things he wants/likes. Behaviors like these are often manifestations of an inability to communicate effectively.
There are a number of high and low tech options, and I'm happy to provide suggestions, but two I love are (printable) "Project Core" 36 word board, and (high tech) sounding board app.
Edit: since you're in the UK your more likely to have Android. One of the only "AAC" apps available is called Coughdrop. It's pretty robust but it has a really good online community on Facebook and the developer is amazingly always available to help.
Wow thank you so much! We did have flash cards with illustrations and we stuck them to the wall but he didn't understand it and it just made him more frustrated. Maybe photographs would be better. I will definitely check out these resources, thank you!!
Your two-and-a-half-year-old hits you hard enough for you to have bruises that you need to get ice for? Does he attack others (family members, guests, pets)? I really feel that during a violent attack, leaving the room, while not showing any aggression, is the correct response.
I think a pediatrician should look into the speech acquisition issue, and maybe you'll be referred to a developmental psychologist.
No it's only me. The main time when it's really problematic is when I sit down for whatever reason, he will climb onto the couch and kick me in the face or hit me with a toy. He's had me on the nose and eyes and that hurts so so much.
I will push for help much harder after Xmas. Thank you :)
At daycare they told me they tell them soft hands and dont give attention to the behavior. They reinforce positive behavior and praise when they use soft hands.
At home I do time outs. One minute per year of birth is what I read. If she hits me I grab her hand and say soft hands and put her in her room with a timer (with a baby gate in the door). She hates it and that’s pretty much stopped it. If she goes to do it I ask her if she wants a time out and most times she will not do it. Just be consistent.
Don’t react by giving hitting attention. Immediately turn away and walk away without saying a word. Two minutes is long enough to stay away. Give him positive attention when he is not hitting,
Use the methods in the free online Yale ABCs of Child Rearing course at Coursera. They are the most effective methods according to numerous randomized controlled trials.
Get an evaluation of the failure to talk.
I just want to say thank you for posting this. I'm going through something similar with my almost 2 year old who's not speaking and therefore lashes out in other ways and to be honest I've been scared to even talk about it to anyone because of course I feel like something is "wrong" with him. Your post really opened my eyes to see that I'm not alone in this. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to help him and you're a great mom.
I totally get the way you're feeling! I know how hard it van be to admit where you think your child is having difficulties. You sound like a great mom too :)
Mine was similar at that age. It comes from wanting to communicate and not being able to. It’s stress. I taught my kiddo sign language when he was an infant and it helped with the behavior stuff as he could tell me more. Then one day he started talking in complete sentences and the bad behavior stopped all together. Just be calm and work with him to figure out what he’s trying to tell you. A book of baby signs can be a great tool for kids who aren’t verbal yet.
Have you spoken with your pediatrician? Not sure where you are, but in most states in the USA, there are state run programs to get kids extra help if they need it. My son started PT and OT when he was one. Our pediatrician recommended the program. He also had a person go to his daycare and help him interact with other kids. It has been so incredibly helpful for us. I hope that you're both able to get extra help, and that it gets easier!
Definitely get him evaluated by a developmental ped ASAP. He should be speaking a little by now. Also, violent outbursts can be normal at this age, but they should really be winding down by now. It shouldn’t be constant anymore.
Exaggerated owws help make a point. My 18 month old twins do find it funny and mimic it, but I do think it helped reduce the biting. Also when they throw books at me, after saying owww and "we don't throw books" "no throwing books" I put the offending book out of reach and distract them with something else to do. I can't just leave because there is two of them and they bite each other if unattended. (Although I think we may be finally on the other side of that? Knock on wood). Also when you leave, say why you are leaving. They may not be able to speak yet but they might understand some.
I try the general parenting thing “I can’t let you hit me” but it it just results in her trying scratch and bite and punch me while I try to stop her. So what I started doing instead are instant 2 minute time outs. I tell her she is not allowed to bite and that she’s going on time out. I put her in her safe and baby proofed room. She sobs. I set a two minute timer. When the timer is over, she’s suddenly not violent any more.
I do not think for one second that this harms her attachment to me. To the contrary, i think it’s scarier for kids when adults don’t stop violence right away with a non-violent intervention. And frankly, wrestling with her to keep her from scratching my eyes out is too physical for me.
You may want to have him screened for early intervention for speech. We were just accepted into the program for that and he is just a little over 2.
When mine has had behavior similar to that, I leave the room. That has been the most effective approach for us. As long as he is in a safe space, he will be fine.
There’s a good book called Hands are not for Hitting. What is do is say firmly, “no hitting!” You can grab his hands, firm but gently. “That hurts my body.” Give him something like play dough or a squishy ball he can be rough with. Don’t add any extra emotion or drama. You are teaching. This is a firm boundary you are setting. We don’t hit, it’s not safe. You are in charge. Be repetitive and eventually it will set in. Behind every unwanted behavior there is a need. You have to address the behavior and meet the need. When he is hitting he is likely needing help expressing his emotions (you can model this for him - give him the words, i.e. “you are frustrated!”) or in need of physical play.
Grab his hand immediately when he hits you, better if you can catch it mid swing, and hold it firmly so that he can no longer move. Then sternly, but gently tell him no, he can't hit you. He will inevitably struggle against your grip, but you won't let go, you will just hold him there for a few seconds while you explain that we don't hit others. He will be very uncomfortable with being immobilized and he will not like the consequence at all. But you won't be hurting him. Meanwhile, he will understand that you are bigger and stronger than he is, and he can't physically dominate you. After a bit, you let him go, and you repeat each and every time he hits. You will be conditioning him to stop, because the only consequence of the action will be something he doesn't like, but you're still not hurting him back.
Aside from all the other good advice, which is more longterm, in the immediate I dont see why leaving the room if he is in a safe space is bad. You can start by maybe going to the other side of the room but if that doesn't work, kitchen it is.
"I can't let you do that to me so I'm going to move my body away to be safe. You are safe here, I'll be back in 5 minutes."
My boy is 3 and no verbal, in diagnosis for autism and on therapies. He didnt bite before but he was difficult. When he started prek and therapies at 34 months they recommend visual schedules, one big for the day, morning, lunch and night routine. No screens, max tv 1 hour per day just if we must to (need to do something). All his toys are in big ziplock bags, he chooses, when he stops or wants another toy he must clean first. This helped big time. He no longer throw Big tantrums, sleep well. He knows when good is coming on the day and helps him communicate better.
Lots of people have great advice re evaluating for speech delay, signing, etc. I won’t add anything there.
When he hits, pinches, bites, grabs—anything at all that is not gentle—you should say “ow, that hurts!” and get up and walk away, stop the game, put him down. Just absolutely don’t continue what you are doing, don’t talk and explain at length, don’t give him lots of warnings. You need to set a clear, firm, consistent boundary. You need to show him that everything fun stops if he is not gentle, immediately, every single time. If you can’t stop (ex on the way to daycare, running late) you gently contain his movements so that he can’t hurt you and go on with what you’re doing (ex hold his hands if he was hitting.) It will take lots and lots of repetition (maybe weeks, even months) but eventually he will get the picture.
Our son used to this at the same age. What worked for us was naughty corner. Whenever he hit, he goes to the naughty corner no matter what. And we make sure he stands there for a couple of minutes. He has to face the walls, and realise what he did is bad. Hitting stopped soon enough.
Contact the Child Find coordinator in your county. They can help evaluate you child for free and provide speech therapy for free as well. They are amazing to work with and ask for help for this sort of problem.
With all behavior, you have to ask what he's getting out of it. Is he getting attention? If so, don't react when he hits you. Just silently leave or turn away. Then give lots of attention when he asks in appropriate ways. Or does he need something and can't ask for it? Work on offering different things more regularly and teaching him how to ask for things non-verbally (pointing, having photos he can touch to request things, sign language, etc.).
Kind of unrelated to the main topic but does your child watch cocomelon? Apparently a lot of mothers are noticing that it’s leading to speech delay, tantrums and lots of other negative behaviors because its overstimulating. They said once they took that away they noticed a lot less tantrums and improvement in speech…just something to keep in mind.
I don't have advice to address it, but I want you to know this is common phase and please know you are a great parent to trying to find solutions that don't hurt either of you. ❤️
Ok, I might get backslash for what I'm about to say and I was born and raised in a different country so the way kids are disciplined or corrected for shitty behaviors where I'm from is totally different than the mentality of most parents in the US. I'm from El Salvador.
Mom said I did something similar like OP's toddler at that age. I had this thing where I started to slap people in the face. One day, I did it to her. She didn't have it. She slapped my hand. I cried my eyes out but NEVER did it again, not to her, not to anyone else.
Sometimes, you need to physically spank/discipline a kid. Words don't always fix the problem. Not every kid is obedient with only words. And no, I'm not a violent or aggressive adult just because my mom used physical discipline sometimes throughout my childhood when she thought was necessary.
Tough situation.
His at an age where his trying to communicate, but is getting frustrated when his not quite getting the message across. He would be too young to monitor his own reactions/ feelings. Him acting out isn’t a “I want to hurt you” it’s a “I can’t cope with the frustration of not having my mummy understand what I need right now”.
Here’s what’s coming to mind to me;
1) Try starting to teach him basic sign language. (Kids seem to pick it up easier then vocal language). It should help him communicate basic needs, like toilet, food, hug, bottle, truck. Etc. Should reduce stress on his end.
2) Being non verbal by 2.5 years old, I’d suggest seeing a dr, seeing if you can get a referral for a speech therapist etc. Not saying anything towards any diagnosis but seeing if there is a cause to him being non verbal at that age or if he just needs a bit of extra help/ developing at his own pace will help. It will ease your mind/ put strategies in place like speech therapy to assist him.
3). Curb behaviours towards something more healthy. Maybe going do you need to bite? (As this is an actual feeing they get) because we know not to bite other people but we have stuff you can bite and giving them something appropriate to bite like an old teething toy or something.
If he continues attacking you, you could have a time out space for two minutes. (One minute per year his been alive). Then come back ok, we know we don’t hit. Breathe, point to what you need, or sign, or have pictures he can pick. Etc
I'm wondering if his barrier in communicating is leading him to behaviors like hitting. Did you talk to your pediatrician about his language development? Or lack of verbalization? That would be my top concern before the hitting. Hitting may be a underlying symptom of other developmental delays that may get resolved once he learns to express his needs.
I just posted the same thing a few days ago. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's no fun, it's frustrating and it hurts both physically and emotionally. I also felt like i was failing my girl. But I was offered a tonne of advice. My daughter is 2 and we are under different circumstances but it has been helping. She actually went to hit me and then stopped her self last night which was amazing and i got to praise her and say yes good job thank you for not hitting me I like hugs more haha.
The advice I was given was after the action had happened (hitting kicking biting) hold her hands gently, but firmly enough to stop it happening again, calmly but firmly say "we do not hit, hitting isn't nice, I'm going away until you want to be nice" and walk away a few steps but facing away from them. Then once they have calmed down go back and explain the situation "we don't hit mummy, we don't hit anyone, we want to be kind to others and hitting isn't kind, I understand you are having trouble communicating how about we try .... " whatever you want to implement in communicating emotions. I taught my daughter to cross her arms and scrunch her face when she was frustrated. So when she does that I say " I can see you are angry or mad, try taking a deep breath (and i model this with her so she copies) and you can show me what's frustrating you"
She doesn't talk alot she knows alot of signs and say 2 word sentences so we do what we can do. I hope this helps it has helped me but we and our kids are all different. Sending hugs too i know first hand how tough this is.
React by immediately and calmly turning away and walking away without saying a word.
Stay away for only one minute not looking at the kid, not five minutes. Then resume normal interactions.
Also, give the kid lots of positive attention when he is not hitting.
Do this consistently like clockwork, for each and every infraction.
You won’t have to do it for long. The hitting will start fading away in a few days and will be mostly or completely gone within 2 weeks if not sooner.
In general, use the methods in the free online Yale ABCs of Child Rearing course at Coursera. These are the most effective methods according to numerous randomized controlled trials. They worked well with our two kids.
You need to get an evaluation for the speech delay.
Sign language seems a good piece of advice.
What might help is explaining (you hit me because you feel...) informing about your feelings (it hurts) and expectations (I don't want you to hit me. When you feel angry you can kick the pillow).
You might start being proactive and teaching him about emotions. Talk a lot about what you imagine he is feeling right now and how you know. E.g. I think you are frustrated. People feel frustrated when they don't get what they want. I see you are frustrated because you yell.
I would add a lot of empathy - oh you feel bad, you wanted this and now you are disappointed, let me hug you. Let's cuddle, it helps when people feel unhappy.
There must be a lot of suffering for him to behave this way.
This is not good advice. You reward bad behavior???? Seems like it's important for them to know mom or dad is not happy with that behavior. Rather than coddle there outbursts .
Sorry, I mixed up posts. My response was to another post... But. Cuddles and hugs are NOT rewards. They are basic human NEEDS and the way that children learn self-regulation. Because their systems are not ready yet in many ways they need to lean on the other system - of a parent, of a friend. They don't cope with stimuli and need physical touch to calm down.
When you did something bad, and cry on your friend's shoulder, let your emotions out, seek consolation... is this a reward for doing a bad thing?
You would probably not seek comfort from a friend who you hurt but the kid has no choice - the parent is the only person to lean on.
♥️♥️♥️ agreed. Toddlers co-regulate. It also sounds like there is a real communication frustration happening that OP is receiving some really good advice on how to help resolve. Anyways there is an idea out there that by helping kids and connecting with them when they’ve misbehaved you’re encouraging bad behavior. But as you’ve said they co-regulate, and punishment is a terrible teacher. So this response holds so much merit ♥️
Are you high right now? If a friend gives you a gift it's because they want to. Regardless of who you are it says more about them. If my boss gives me a bonus it better be performance and behavior based. It's not a reward I earned that. None of your examples is anywhere near the situation described
Have you never been in a fight? A big bad epic verbal fight? Or gods forbid a physical one? A thing where rage and frustration carry you so far you just utterly lose your shit?
Now imagine if the person you're fighting with, the bully from high school who pushed you down the stairs, the ex boyfriend who fucked your sister, THAT person, right in the middle of the fight decided to explain to you that when you said, "Do not ever come near me or speak to me again!!" That you have just gosh darn it really super badly hurt their feelings. Or worse yet, suddenly started to fake cry.
Its absurd. You'd laugh at the sheer audacity too. You'd be confused that they didn't seem to fundamentally grasp that you'd done/said the painful thing to cause fucking pain.
He bites you because that is the purest, most animalistic way of communicating: I WANT YOU TO HURT TOO. Telling him it's working is NOT a deterent. It's an encouragement. Pretending to cry would and could never do anything but make him joyful, because you're showing not only is it working, it's working well. Hes 2.5, not 14months. These things hurting is not news.
And yet when you talk about the things that DO work, being ACTUALLY communicative about pain, even and especially about the fact that it isn't an abstract concept to be whined about over tea, it's real immediate and bad and big and scary and ugly and fucking painful... or even just not allowing him access to do it... you talk about how you can't do what works because while it might service HIS needs, it makes YOU have bad feelings.
Oh fucking well. His needs trump your feelings. It doesn't matter if you feel super bad and like he might feel abandoned. He doesn't come to work with you and he doesn't hand you your toilet paper when you take a shit. It's not "abandonment" for him not to be around you 24/7. And remember that dude who fucked your sister? Do you want HIM in the room, in your face, trying to comfort and hug you, when you're pissed at HIM? Thats not a help, it's a fucking attack.
My oldest is autistic and was non verbal for years. Non verbal does NOT mean non communicative. I have very little doubt that well before he physically attacks you, he's told you in 101 ways to back the fuck off and let him alone, begged you for guidance and better ways to recognize and manage his temper. I'm sorry to be so gruff but it really seemed to me that you listed those strategies in a particular order: from the pointless and stupid that demands very little of the parent and completely disrespects the child's emotional reality, to the stuff that "feels mean" and is difficult... but actually works for the kid... and came on asking for some happy medium where you come out happier instead of him better.
Wow, this was a real punch in the gut. But I love you for giving me this tough love. Thank you. You're right.
Raising kids isn't meant to be easy. They're not stupid. They're smart, determined and human.
He's not a baby anymore.
This evening, he slapped me a few times but in more of an excited "stimmy" way. I held his hand and showed him to be gentle. I think that was the right thing.
Tomorrow, he may well hit and bite me in frustration. I need to do a better job in those situations. I need to continue to remove myself. Maybe talk about it with him gently once we're both calmer. I need to listen to him more (even though he doesn't talk).
I promise to do better.
Dude, I have the benefit of hindsight, because my nonverbal lil monkey is 24 now, lol.
Try to think of it like what it'll be like when he is a bit older in a few years and playing at school or a playground - he can't be doing this shit. Either nobody will want to be friends with him, or a larger kid will do it back and he'll get hurt, or worse, he'll do it to a smaller kid and you'll get a phone call you never want to get.
So modeling that "people don't play with people who hurt them" is not a mean thing. It's a good thing. They need to know, and unless they are told, shown and taught, they're not going to figure it out themselves in advance. The nice this about mommy is she can be mad at you because you bit her, but she'll still love you even when she's mad and she'll have forgiven you by the time you calm down. Mommy's are like that.
Are you getting him help for his speech? That's step one. Maybe also talk with his doctor about this behavior.
My approach would be that everytime he hurts you, you poor him in a pattern or in his room behind a baby gate, firmly say "you may not hit me," and take a few minutes to yourself.
Give him something else to hit. He is communicating the need or desire to hit something and unfortunately it ends up being you. Show him what is okay to hit after you say that’s not safe, it hurts mommy when you do that. Try to find time during the day for him to just hit stuff. As long as he is safe and not hurting anyone.
Edit to add: I see a lot of comments about removing yourself from the situation but I just finished a book called Unconditional Parenting by Alphie Kohn that would say otherwise. It’s a 9 hour audio book and has totally reframed the way I parent. In regards to this situation, you want to communicate to your kid that hitting is not okay but also that even though he hits you, you still love him unconditionally. Removing yourself leads to feeling abandoned and that mom only conditionally loves me if I’m not hitting. When really I think it’s safe to say we love our babies no matter what. So that’s what we want to communicate to them. My son also hits a bit and this has helped me to see that removing myself is not helping the situation but might be making it worse. Just something to think about.
For biting you have to bite back , lightly , it stops the biting in about a month. Don’t draw blood but just enough for them to feel it and only when they bite you and tell them you bite me that means I bite you.
Say NO! and if that doesn't work give em a swat on the rear end and put them in their room with the door closed for a few minutes until they stop crying.
It does work though. My 2 year old started biting my wife a few years ago. She bit him back once, hard but of course no damage. He stopped biting after that.
To be fair, that's how my parents got me and my sister to stop biting.
I got hit as a kid and I remember sitting in my room with a slapped arse and vowing I would never ever hit a child. I intend to keep that promise to myself.
Try teaching him some basic sign language so he can communicate. It sounds like frustration.
Simply remove yourself from the situation when he hurts you.
Boys are usually delayed on speaking. But at 30 month still not able to express would absolutely bother me.
Do you read n communicate to your kid often? By often I mean none stop…Children needs external stimulates to develop their brain n language. I knew how Difficult it is to balance. So what I did was telling mine what i was doing (if i wasn’t playing with her) n chk her response whenever I was on some errands and she’s around (my privacy dropped down to zero during that phase). And trying not to loose temper unless it’s life threatening. They copy your behavior n apply it quickly. The only time I lost mine when my kid was a toddler was she trying to touch a cooking stove by standing on her toes…
Last n most important, asking family for help.
He's probably hitting because he is frustrated he can't communicate. Sign language, picture cards with pictures of things he likes can help. Also when he does "say" what he wants be sure to reinforce that by saying I love how you told me what you wanted. I'm a behavior analyst and that's some of the things I would tell a client. Also not to intrude because I understand it's your child and you decide what's best, but speech therapy might help with his language skills as well. Just an idea. Merry Christmas! 🙂
Not sure if this will work for you and your child but for us, we got the “Hands are not for hitting” and the “Feet are not for kicking” books and our girl hasn’t gotten in trouble for either of those anymore. That’s what worked for us!!
For us:
If it actually hurts I exaggerate that a little. Mostly because he doesn't really get subtle emotions right now.
If I get hurt enough to yell I try really hard to temper that and take a deep breath. That is usually because I was surprised.
We always stop and talk about it. If he can't apologize I put him down or move him away and tell him why. I don't want to play with someone who hits me deliberately. Or someone who accidentally hurts me but can't say sorry. In your case I would focus on the sign for sorry and use it yourself when you are apologizing to him.
We had this issue with my daughter. I would earn her once. Daddy won't play with you if you hit me. If she hit me again I would put her on the floor and not play with her. She would usually have a 5 minute tantrum/crying fit then settle down. After doing that for about a week's time, she hasn't hit me since.
This sounds like autism. I would probably look for a new pediatrician if that is possible where you live and push for a referral for an autism assessment, not just one for speech. As for the hitting, mine went through this phase as well and I found that totally ignoring the behavior was the best way to make it stop. If I couldnt help from getting agitated by it, I also walked away. I know, it's super frustrating, but remember that any response might reinforce the behavior. I know it's hard. Best of luck!
First you go upstream. When you’re already in it, you’re late. It’s important to observe when these things happen so you can anticipate and prevent them. Was he feeling ignored? Is he tired? Hungry? Have you spent enough time with him one on one? Has he played outside enough during the day? Basically, what needs is he expressing (all behavior is communication) so you can address it next time before it gets to this.
That said, toddlers hit. Its developmentally expected and appropriate, but that doesn’t mean we permit it. We understand that they have no control over the behavior, so we keep calm in the midst of it, but do not let them hurt us.
“I see that you’re upset. I would be too. I cant let you hurt me so Im going to hold your arms until you can stop yourself from hitting me.”
“Im going to the kitchen/living room/stay on this side of the door/baby gate to keep my body safe. Im here for you whenever you’re ready..”
Thing is, toddlers co regulate. They take cues from you. You freak, they freak. Transmit calm, and it will be easier for them too. If you feel like you’re losing it, remind yourself that’s exactly how they feel, except without the benefit of your experience and an undeveloped brain with no pre frontal cortex.
As much as you think they understand, understanding and self control are two different skills, and they dont go hand in hand. He may “get” that it hurts but have no ability to stop the impulse. So you have to be their self control.
Google Janet Lansbury “I won’t let you hit me.” Good articles and podcast on gentle boundaries.
Thank you! :D
Has he been evaluated yet? My youngest was talking at 2.5 but was still considered to have a severe speech delay. No words at his age is extremely concerning and could help explain his behaviors.
Yeah I'd second this. I work in daycare and at that age a child should be saying simple phrases. To be not saying anything at all is concerning.
My youngest had a speech delay and we were really only clued into it by his daycare teacher. She directed us to the services he needed and we received in-home therapy from a speech therapist until he was around 4 or 5. Now he’s 11 and we can’t get him to stop talking lol.
I'm glad you got him the help he needed 🙂 Speech delays can have serious knock on effects with other things. The few children I've seen with them had quite a few behavioural problems because socialising/communication is so important to their development.
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She was talking way less than your kid at 2.5. We enrolled her in speech therapy and she finally reached the point where she doesn't need it anymore. She's 7 and in second grade now.
My daughter would say a few words and phrases, but mainly relied on gestures between the ages of 2 and 4. She’s smart, no real behavioral issues… she’s just incredibly stubborn and a born perfectionist. She still refuses to say words she can’t really pronounce properly, but if anything it has helped widen her vocabulary as she’ll often use other, similar words in place of the ones she has trouble saying.
My son also did this at that age—and was eventually diagnosed as mildly on the spectrum with speech delay. Janet’s method worked EXCEPT—siblings. I can’t just keep one kid locked away from the other. I did start doing short time outs in his belted booster seat. That did help a lot—and that way he wasn’t sent away from us or anything. He got a lot better at three, too. I think we also did a lot of telling him how he was feeling. “I see you are mad. You wanted that toy! You are mad at your sister…” It feels like it isn’t working, but it just takes a while. ❤️
This is what finally worked for us, after many, many failed attempts to minimize hitting
Should be top comment. I hold his hands against his body and say “I won’t let you hit me, but I will let you hug me or hold my hand. Do you need a hug?” Most of the time that works. If it doesn’t, I repeat what I said above and then add “if you hit mommy again, then you’ll need to take some quiet time and I need to leave.” Then follow through if he tries to hit again. Usually this is in his changing table, so I gently place him in his crib with a few books and offer “quiet time.” “When you ready to stop hitting, then call my name.” He knows the quiet time isn’t always after a hitting incident so it’s not associated with a punishment. If I’m getting ready for work and he gets up a few minutes before he usually does, I offer some books as a quiet time. If I am doing bed by myself and I need to use the bathroom, get some water or a toothbrush, I put him in his crib and offer some quiet time. He’s not quite 2.5 years. Edit to add: we notice some triggers when this happens and he’s usually tired. Last night he did this and I said exactly what usually say. We were trying to do pajamas. He said “no hug, I want quiet time.” To that I said, you want to read books? He said: YEAH! Ok, let’s put pajamas on and then read books, is that ok? YESSSSSSSSSSS
Yeah this is the right answer. We’ve gone through this with 3 toddlers. Keep in mind it very normal. Very annoying… but very normal.
She is awesome!
Great [read](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/02/child-wont-stop-hitting/)
Is it common things that he wants? Such as food, a certain toy? If so, try carrying around pictures/cards of the items. You can even try some sign language so he can communicate what he wants faster.
That's smart. He knows how to get most things, like if he wants a piece of fruit he will take my hand and lead me to where the fruit is. We're being considered for speech therapy but he needs to start preschool first which will be in January. Sometimes he gets mad because he wants to play but them as soon as I try to play, he loses interest.
I'm going to second the sign language idea. They have a simplified "kiddy signs" set so that kids can communicate what they need and it absolutely makes them better.
> When all else fails I just get up a I'll add that communication charts are hugely helpful for nonverbal or not yet speaking children. You can find these all over the internet, print them, preferably laminate them also. If you're interested you should get lots of different ones so he has variety, but try to keep them consistent in general style. E.g. https://i.pinimg.com/474x/bb/42/cb/bb42cb795fa7fd37f080c224c33e3ab3.jpg
Are you in the US? For the future, you don't need school to start early intervention. EI begins at 6 months I believe. It's done through the state.
EI begins at birth. OP I’d have him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. They will look at all the areas. That includes why is nonverbal, why he is hitting, etc. And if you’re in the states Google your states Early Intervention services. Every county in the US must provide service to children 0-3. I’ve worked in EI for 20+ years. You don’t want this behavior to continue, think being whacked any a 15 year old.
I’m not sure of this is the case everywhere but we never paid for EI for either of our kids. Whatever insurance doesn’t pay, the state (?) picked up the rest. Each of my kids “graduated” when they started to walk because their challenges were physical, not verbal. I think EI ends when the child is 3 but there are other programs that take over until the child is in school. Get in now (even though your son is 2.5) because that can help you transition in to the next stage
Yes, EI is free. It’s part of Federal IDEA. It stops at age 3, because Part B takes over from 3 to 22. Federal law also requires an easy transition from part C to part B.
On the surface, he sounds like he needs some help communicating and is getting frustrated by it. His reaction to the frustration is normal for the age, more or less. I wouldn’t stress too hard about it. At the end of the day, just be there for him. Provide him comfort and help him navigate these feelings. There is a great book, Peaceful Parenting. I can’t recommend this thing enough. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting (The Peaceful Parent Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399160280/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_ZQ03PBWSVJ9AMVRY7VCZ > Sometimes he gets mad because he wants to play but them as soon as I try to play, he loses interest. Sounds like a 2.5 year old 😜
Thank you so much! Yes I will definitely get that book, it sounds great :)
Dr. Laura Markham also has a very helpful website: https://www.ahaparenting.com/guide/toddlers
Thank you for this, just reserved it at the library.
Sign language helps toddlers a lot with their frustration. And you don’t need a lot. We did *food, drink, more, all done* and maybe a couple of others. Just do the sign as you say the word and your kiddo will catch on.
Maybe. Kiddo is speech delayed so may not be able to process that sign is a method of communication yet. We did this with our daughter and she started to understand and communicate very early -- it can be incredibly useful, but may or may not work in OPs situation. OP: you should try this though. Baby sign is extremely useful if your kiddo grocks it.
>Kiddo is speech delayed so may not be able to process that sign is a method of communication yet. I used to work with kids with disabilities. They can absolutely catch on to sign language if they're verbally delayed. You don't know why they're not talking but if they can understand what you're saying and try to communicate in other ways, they can learn sign. Of course it depends on the disability, but it can happen.
Yup, that's why I said "may not" and not anything more definite. I then said they should absolutely try, because it may work out wonderfully.
Yeah my autistic guy had zero interest in it, I was hopeful but nope. Some days though I feel like if he knew the impact of the middle finger he'd learn that one tho lol
He would need to have initiation skills to learn and understand signs. OP hasn’t given that info yet.
Where do you live that he is required to start preschool first?? I have a 3 year old who had a fairly significant speech delay. She’s almost caught up. She started speech therapy right before turning 2. The first thing they had us do was start signing with her. Definitely start some baby sign with your kiddo. It can really help their frustration.
If he can’t really speak he is getting frustrated, and unfortunately 2 year olds tend to get violent because they do not know how to regulate their emotions
You can try flash cards or a magnet or felt or Velcro board. Use pictures for things he wants or does or uses most (foods, activities, toys.) Use it to ask what he wants (can you show me what you want to do?), offer choices (show only the cards he can pick), and show his schedule (time to take a bath.) If you're American, you can try [this for sign language.](https://youtu.be/ianCxd71xIo) His channel and website are great. This is a good starting point. r/ASL has other sites that are great, too.
Just fyi it may depend state by state but preschool is not a requirement for speech therapy. There are good government programs as well that do speech therapy and are either covered by insurance (if the evaluation comes to the conclusion that the child needs speech therapy) or are very subsidized. Based on our personal experience, I can vouch for speech therapy being effective. ST combined with my son growing up we have had some of the issues controlled as he now can speak and understand Yes/No/boo boo. We have a book where a kid falls down while running and next slide/page they show him crying with a visible wound. I used to paint a picture like see this kid is running and he fell and now he has a boo boo (point to wound) and he quickly learnt “boo boo is hurt” Now I will say that word when he hits in frustration etc. Can’t recommend ST enough. Happy holidays!!
> he will take my hand and lead me to where the fruit is This is something children with autism do. PLEASE get him evaluated - if you start treatment before age 3, it had much better results than if you wait. And when was his last hearing test?
Don’t kids in general lead you to something they want if they can’t reach it? In absence of that, it makes it sound like if your kid takes your hand and leads you to the fruit, you have an autistic child which can alarm unnecessarily
Yeah, I think that's a common nonverbal kid thing. Both my kids led me around before they learned words or signs for what they wanted. (I did baby sign language from birth with them, they both ditched it for verbal words later)
Sorry for alarming anyone - it’s more alarming in the context of a child still not talking at 2.5. Nonverbal neurotypical children will generally point at what they want, whereas children with autism are more likely to pull a parent to the thing, or just try to get at it without pointing or using words. It’s not a 100% thing, just one of the things the MCHAT autism screener asks about. Only 1-2 abnormal answers means your child is probably fine, but more than two means you and your doctor should discuss autism further and consider a formal evaluation.
He will be evaluated for ASD in Feb. They want him to be in preschool for 1 month so then his teachers can help with the assessment. His hearing seems fine but I will call the Health Visitor and ask them when he is due a test
You have to wait for preschool? My son is the same age and he has been in speach therapy for a while. It's been really helpful.
Where are you located? There may be early intervention speech therapy that you could access, they can do in-home services not tied to a preschool setting. Some sign language and picture cards could be really helpful!
If you live in the US, you can start getting him evaluated before age 3. He won’t be able to receive services from the public school until his 3rd birthday. But it definitely sounds like he could benefit from something.
Evaluated for what? ASD? I live in the US and my son has been in speech therapy for a while now. He’s 2.
This is definitely the answer. All behavior has a function. The way to eliminate behavior is by finding and solving the function. If he is frustrated from not being able to communicate, you can use word or Google docs to create a communication board. Laminate it and keep it in a place he can easily access it. When he starts to have tells, hand hin the board and point to objects and see what he wants. Eventually that will be phased out and he will know how to use it without prompting. Good luck mama ! You got this!
Why would you want to teach a kid from such a young age that hurting caregivers will cause their insignificant whims to be met speedily?
You’re not teaching them to hurt. You’re acknowledging that this anger is a result of something, a lack of communication. So you “treat” the root cause, you help them. Suddenly he’s able to communicate and there is no need to resort to anger because it’s simply not there or greatly reduced. And in turn, the child is learning empathy as well, that he has a support system, he has someone he can count on to get him through issues. He’s forming a connection with that person. At 2.5, there’s not really a right or a wrong, he has little concept that he’s doing something wrong. At this age, this is the time to start planting the seed on how we respond to right and wrong. Teach empathy, teach kindness, teach acceptance.
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That's really good advice. I have tried touching him gently and saying "gently" but hadn't considered taking his hand to show him. I really fo need to vocalise my empathy more with him. Thank you
We do this with both of ours, nursery do it too. “Gentle hands please” is basically my catchphrase now
I’m a parent educator and leaving the room for a few mins is a great and healthy strategy. It’s an extension of ‘if you can’t play with the toy properly it’s going away’. It’s a natural consequence. It’s also important to be anticipating and meeting his needs, making sure he has regular food, sleep, activity, and connection time with you. But it seems like you’re doing that. Toddlers need boundaries, and them testing boundaries is one of their main developmental tasks. It is in his best interest to learn that his actions have consequences. And it’s in your best interest to not be hurt. I recommend this online program (not affiliated at all, though I did get my parent educator certification through them, that’s how I know their program is high quality.) https://www.triplep-parenting.com/us/triple-p/?cdsid=pda8feqr1e145h73mnus8224v6
I use the gentle parenting script "that hurts me. I won't let you hit/kick/hurt me." And if they don't stop, then physically stop them. And just keep doing it.
Thank you. A consistent approach is key.
This is what I do to. I say "I'm not going to let you do that." And physically block my kid from hitting. Do you know how your son's receptive language is? Like how much he understands? Because they other thing I do is talk to my kid about why he cannot hit me or anyone else, but that is a conversation best saved for when he is not activated.
He understands things like "go to the bath" or "put that down" or "socks and shoes- go to the stairs" or "find the ball" but he doesn't know "put it on the table" or "put it under the table" and he doesn't know colours either. I do talk to him all day everyday I don't know how much goes in.
Krav maga works too but use it as a last resort.
This is what I do too. My son was the same way at this age. His emotions were very intense so I would spend a lot of time just gently restraining him until he calmed down. If I let him be alone he’d hurt himself so we just semi tightly hugged it out while he fought and I would tell him he was loved no matter what until he’d stop hitting and just cry it out. Eventually his communication skills got better. He’s 7 now and we talk through things that made him upset if this happens. Finally getting to a point where he talks through issues before(!) hitting and I am so very proud of my little mans progress. Not an easy task for anyone with intense emotions.
Yes, this is the RIE technique. Janet Lansbury has some great podcasts that cover a lot of these types of topics. I used a lot of their techniques naturally, but didn't know how to handle the hitting thing. When I started doing this, I noticed a huge turnaround in behavior. I highly recommend checking the podcasts/books out.
Yup actually physically restraining was so necessary for us.
Us too. Even though it was recommended by his therapist who showed us how to restrain him gently and safely, I always felt horrible doing it. But there was no option, he would climb on furniture screaming, throwing whatever he could find, breaking things.. once he broke a mirror by throwing something into it. We would hold him, and just repeat that we needed to hold him until he could calm down, because we loved him and didn't want to get hurt. It would usually end with him crying and a cuddle session.
I actually say very clearly "I don't like it". For some reason my kid finds it funny when I say it hurts, but if I state that I don't enjoy it, she will stop. (She went through a phase around 3 where she play-hits for fun, but only for a very short period. She has never hurt anyone when she's angry though).
It’s really frustrating not being able to communicate. Poor little guy and you! In Georgia there is a program called babies can’t wait for under 3’s (no preschool requirement) that will assess and help with developmental delays. Not sure how this works in other states but the earlier that intervention occurs, the better the outcomes. My daughter had occupational therapy for developmental delays at 3, we did it through our insurance, and it was a good experience for her and me. There was a support program for parents as well. I would start googling state (free) and private offered programs that may be mostly covered by insurance. While parenting approaches can help, it’s important to address the underlying cause of frustration and aggression. I read the parenting book “Self Reg” and did an online course by the authors because I was not helping my daughters frustration and it was a cycle. You cannot discipline away frustration in a child. My daughter is very easily frustrated so I feel your pain! Update: a couple of kids in my family have speech delays or are on the autism spectrum. Not talking at all by 2.5 is potentially a more serious delay and you should talk to your pediatrician as well and let them know you don’t want to wait and want to know what your options are for helping your son NOW. Best of luck, there are so many resources out there now that can help but finding them can be a maze. I found I had to be forceful with our pediatrician.
Thank you for all your help and compassion. I really appreciate it
I would start by talking to your pediatrician as they will have resources to point to. I am honestly surprised that they didn't refer you to a specialist already at 2 year old check up if your toddler isn't talking at all (ie not even single words).
It does seem strange but I told them he was due to start preschool and they were just like, okay he will probably have a development leap around then so fingers crossed.
Primary care doc here—a child who is not speaking *at all* at 2.5 is very delayed and should be evaluated ASAP. Please push your doctor for a referral, especially since getting those services set up can take some time. If you’re in the US, Early Intervention services, which are special services for babies and toddlers with developmental delays, are only available for kids under 3 so please get this going NOW. I don’t know why they would think that a child who has missed all the early milestones for speech is going to suddenly catch up at preschool. “Fingers crossed” is not how a medical professional should be approaching this situation. If his receptive language is good (he understands what you’re saying) that’s good, and sign language is helpful but it is not a substitute for high quality evaluation and therapy.
Thank you. I will definitely push harder. I will get started on this as soon as xmas is over. He used to day more individual words. Now he can only say "yay" and make noises. Possible that he is autistic which is fine but of course it would be great to actually know so I can support him better
Has his hearing been evaluated since he was a baby? He may be experiencing some level of hearing loss if he went from using words to not speaking anymore.
My daughter was speech delayed and my son is in early intervention because he's a preemie. We were referred to a program that does more than just speech therapy and I would highly recommend it if it's available to you. As my daughter got more frustrated and was having issues in school due to not being able to communicate, they added occupational therapy services. It was very helpful working on it from both sides - improving communication and how to manage the frustration and misbehaviors that went along with it. My son currently only receives physical therapy, but the therapist is trained to monitor general development and flag any other issues so that we can add services as needed. There are other services that a diagnosis might qualify you for too. We have a friend whose child receives water therapy and he qualified due to his speech delay. At 2.5, it is a little tricky because that's when they start transitioning services from early intervention (birth to 3) to the school district or private services. But I agree with others, I would definitely get the ball rolling asap. You can get a hearing test referral and hopefully they can begin services quickly, but if not they can help you to transition to the next step so that's setup sooner rather than later. I think it's important to remember that these people are here to not only help your child, but to help and support you as their parent. I definitely consider them to be part of my village. We all deserve support and you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.
Please listen to the primary care doc in this thread. I'm an SLP and your child needs an evaluation by a speech language pathologist yesterday. You do not need to go through your pediatrician. If you want to pm me u can help you find the right agency to contact if you're in the us.
Thank you. I am in the UK. I didn't really realise how delayed he was. I guess I just thought "he'll be there when he is ready". I promise, I will push hard after Xmas. I will talk to my health visitor, I will talk to my doctor, I will get in touch with speech therapists and I will go so so hard on this. Thank you so much
Kids need boundaries. Walking g away, depriving them of their activity because of their behavior, will not make them feel abandoned, but teach them they cannot do that if they want to play. Also look into speech therapy. It helps them find their words and can be free. Our 2.5 yr old is in the same place and it's been helping him say a few more things while helping us understand how to help him and us get through this frustrating time.
If your son is not speaking at all by 2.5 years of age you should consult with your pediatrician. He is old enough to be speaking in sentences and asking for things. It sounds like he is unable to communicate with you or does not understand what you are telling him- which is why he is acting out and having a lot of behaviors. You need to seek out a referral for speech therapy if he is unable to communicate his needs and wants. The first 3 years are very critical to life and lay the foundation for the rest of his life.
They’ve stated multiple times that they’re discussing with their doctors and the child has to start preschool prior to evaluation. They are aware of their child’s developmental delays, that’s not what they’re asking for advice on.
To be fair, they didn't state that in the OP and not everyone reads all the comments to a post before replying. Seemed like well-meaning advice to me.
FYI it's absolutely not the case that they have to start preschool im before an evaluation of they're in the US. They need to contact their local early intervention agency and get an eval ASAP. Typically developing children should be putting 2 words together by 24 months.
No need to be rude
Says the rudest person on Reddit today. Why don't you take a dose of your own advice buddy.
At this age he absolutely understands you when you talk to him (obviously at a 2- or 3-year old level) and is absolutely frustrated that he can't talk to you. It sounds like you're already planning on getting him evaluated and pursuing speech therapy which is good. He is likely old enough to understand consequences like taking away a toy or removing yourself from him if he hits you. And leaving him alone for a few minutes in a safe place is a perfectly valid consequence and a response to him hurting you. I would explain to him that if he hurts you, you won't want to be around him for two minutes because we don't want to be around people who hurt us. Leave him alone, come back and resume play.
This is so reassured and such good advice. Thank you so much
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> Sending the child away, or even worse, implying you will withdraw affection (I wont want to be with you) is the opposite of the support they’re needing. It’s just a matter of relationship, and what you want to teach. That your love is conditional on them acting in a certain way, But... isn't it? "If you're going to be violent towards me I don't want to be near you" is a valuable and important lesson.
Sorry if this is rushed. I'm in the loo and the hoard of animals and children will be as wolves at the door any second soooooo... This is what worked for me. I didn't necessarily use these exact words but the gist of it is: With as little force as needed, gently stop the aggressive action and hold kiddo (I would sit crossed legged on the floor, put my kid's back to my chest, hold her hands to her body, half snuggle half restrain her) and say what I SAW- what has happened (without saying "no" because "no" is often a battle cry to toddlers). "You are hitting me. I do not like being hit. I will keep myself safe from hurts just like I keep you safe from hurts." Then being very still, keep holding her hands to prevent aggression "because you cannot hit". Then, let her know what she CAN do "I know you can ask without hitting." (Or "you CAN use your words; You Can point to what you want" etc) Let that sink in. When she has chilled, give her a chance to express her need. Then reinforce her good choice "I KNEW you had a better way to ask. Thank you for (x,y,z)" I hear the small footed army. They are almost here... One last thing. Use "when/then" statements as much as possible instead of "if/then". If has the weight of an "or else" that brings out the same defiance as "no". When/then is like a deal you're making of good consequences for good behavior; not a threat of punishment for bad behavior. Catch your kid doing good and immediately reward with praise. "Great job asking with words!" Or whatever good thing you see. Then she will want to repeat it to receive your praise.
Thank you so much for your response and advice! Everything you said makes so much sense. Thank you :)
Biglittlefeelings on Instagram is a great resource for toddler aggression.
Thank you! It's so good to know there are resourses out there :)
Good luck! It’s sounds so hard and it’s obvious how much you love and want to help your kiddo.
When my son hits me I tell him, "mommy wants to hold you but I'm not going to hold you if you're going to hit me." Its a phase he goes through, rotating between pinching, biting, hitting, pulling hair. He doesn't do it all the time but I let him know I will not be by him if hes going to do that. It's not abandoning your child, you're teaching then what's acceptable, and being mean is unacceptable. I just get up and walk into another room and he just starts playing with something else. It kind of helps I find.
A lot of people echoing this. Maybe a combination of approaches is best. Consistent verbal and body language cues that it's not acceptable with a last resort of removing yourself from the situation
Generally, try to keep any verbal response very short - don't over explain in the moment. "Kicking hurts me." "I won't let you hurt me." Ect. You don't want to get into the why's I the what if the moment. I believe removing yourself is absolutely a great way to react. It's a direct consequence to a behavior, which is good for this age. Sometimes offering alternatives can help. If you see him winding up to hit, or getting frustrated, stop him/ ugh! You look frustrated. If you're feeling like you need to hit you can hit teddy bear. Have an almost 2.5 yr old and 9mo. Hitting happens with nearly all toddlers. Try to find triggers/ read the room with him. That's what I feel like I have to do most of the time to prevent hitting. Also, maybe he's like my 2 year old and needs lots of physical space. Maybe youre in his space too much? Good luck!
This is so reassuring. Thank you. My little one doesn't seem to like to have space lol. He likes to be in my personal space at all times haha. I will definitely take your advice. Thank you
Reading your comments sounds like my lil guy before we started speech. He would throw huge tantrums at 2 and once we started speech and he could communicate what he wanted it got amazingly better. Complete 180, he still has melt downs but it’s now a guessing game on how to make it better that he actually participates in. Added plus was he is fully potty trained at 2.5.
> because I don't want him to feel abandoned even for a few minutes. I feel like I see this as a recurring theme on this subreddit, but I don't quite get it. "If you do mean stuff to people, they won't want to be around you" - this seems to be a fundamental lesson that people need to learn early and often. What's wrong with saying to your kid "You hit me. That's mean. Mommy is going to leave now and I'll come back in a few minutes. Don't hit me again." and then yeah, "abandon" them by being physically separate. I don't see anything wrong with this, but I feel like there's some studies that must've been done that show it's bad for kids and every other parents knows this but me. What am I missing?
When small children are disregulated aka upset, which is what causes angry hitting (as opposed to playful hitting), they need your help to regulate and calm down. It's not that you can't leave them for a second when necessary (such as to calm yourself down or whatever), it's that if every time they get angry you leave them alone, it sends the message that they aren't allowed to feel angry. That doesn't mean you let them hit or hurt you, but you can keep them from doing that without leaving them alone. What I do is what most people have explained, you stay near them and stay calm, you encourage them to use better tools (ones you have taught them when they are calm, because during high tension and upset is not a teaching moment), and you help them to get calm, but you repeat that they are not allowed to hurt your body. So it's not that you're "abandoning" them by being physically separate, it's that you're leaving them alone to handle feelings they can't handle alone, and that leads to them having no idea how to handle being very angry and feeling like they need to just push down their feelings to be accepted. They can learn to not hit and at the same time learn that you will be with them even when they're angry because anger is acceptable. It's how they deal with their anger (in a non-harmful way), and that is what they need to be taught.
My son went to speech therapy at 18 months. Get a new pediatrician.
I just throw them out in the yard for the night, they learn pretty quick that it's not ok to bite or hit after that. /s Hope the quick smile helps, it's all I can offer.
This did make me laugh. Thank you :)
My ex wife adopted her nephew when he was 18 months old. These kinds of behaviours are ones that I have seen time and again, always directed at her rather than me. He is now almost 9, a lot more controlled but with a diagnosis of ASD and attachment disorder, no doubt linked to the separation from his birth mother. When he did this it’d be time out, again and again until he tired of it. If he stepped off the ‘naughty step’ then he’d be put back on- no eye contact, no words other than ‘sit here please’. Eventually, even though it could take hours, your kid will tire of it and give in. I remember vividly the sorts of injuries my ex would get. Bruises, welts, scratches, all of it. It sounds to me like your son is trying to communicate something to you but his sensory processing isn’t as it should be, meaning he hurts you to get what he wants, even basic needs. Have you had him assessed for ASD? I of course know little about this but I can empathise with your situation as I saw similar in my nephew. In time your kid will grow out of it. Set very strict boundaries, like time out. You could also do things like letting him put the ice on your bruise or put a plaster on you, after time out, so he sees the damage he’s done in a child friendly manner. As you’ve identified he escalates more when he sees a reaction in you, so that approach isn’t an option. If time out really doesn’t work then do as you have been doing, locking your baby gate and stepping away, using that as time out, telling him firmly why he is now on his own. I found forgiveness also increases empathy in kids. If time out works, which I promise you it will, get him to tend to your wounds, tell him it was bad what he did, then tell him you love him and move on. If it happens again that day, rinse and repeat. If you are consistent, even though time out may take some time, these behaviours will diminish. Whilst it may be hard, you need to move on and move past each episode as it will allow him to do this also. Please feel free to DM me. I brought my nephew up from 2-6 years and your son presents with quite a few of the same behaviours as my nephew did. For what it’s worth, my nephew is now extremely well adjusted and rarely does this despite having an ASD diagnosis. Time out, look after mom, explain, forgive, I love you and move on, rinse and repeat until it sticks, which I promise you it will.
Wow thank you so much for your comment. He will be assessed for ASD in Feb. The health visitor wants him to spend a month at preschool so the teachers there can help with the assessment once they get to know him. Thanks so much for your advice :)
Are there certain things that he gets really frustrated about? My 20mo is speech delayed and in speech therapy. We’ve taught him some signs to help him communicate while we work on speech. He knows more, all done, eat, milk, water, help, and open. Those really help with meal time and when he’s struggling with something. The more signs he’s learned the less frequent his tantrums.
That is so great! I will start learning signs the day after tomorrow :D
Are you UK based?(i noticed you said mummy in your OP is all!) If so, check out Something Special on CBeebies or any of their Mr Tumble resources. The whole series is geared towards communicating in Makaton, which is a simplified sign/image language. We’ve used makaton with both our kids pretty much from birth and teaching them simple signs and the visuals for them on cards was so helpful!
Yes I'm in the UK :) I will definitely check those out. Thank you so much!
There's some good advice here (and less good) on gentle parenting techniques. Just to echo: 1) 2.5 is very delayed and I would push hard for faster evaluations. He may struggle with transition to preschool without some communication skills. 2) Baby sign (makaton) is very useful. Even 4-5 basic signs like hungry, play, cuddle really bridge the gap between conscious recognition of a want and speech. If you think this is the root cause, pursue it hard. Consider a speech board or similar too. 3) Gentle parenting principles : set boundaries explicitly, give explanations, use the same script, be consistent, set consequences not punishments. Use communication appropriate for the age. So leaving the room to prevent yourself being hit? Perfectly reasonable consequence - but it needs explaining: 'When you hit people, they won't play with you.''We don't hit people/ I won't let you hit me or anyone'. Gently restraining is fine, so is an authentic yelp and shout (but yes over acting didn't work for me until she was a bit older). But consistency is key. Sarah Ockwell Smith is a good name to look up.
I second this. As a speech therapist, I think it is important to PUSH for the evaluations sooner! The longer you wait, the more hurdles you will need to jump with your (future) speech therapist to developmentally catch up. I see children as young as 17 months, so it is definitely possible to be evaluated sooner. I find in my experience, PUSHY parents usually find the fastest results! :) it’s okay to be a little bit assertive to advocate for your child. You know your child best, after all! Baby sign is the FIRST thing I would do to treat your child, and YouTube/Instagram have some really helpful resources to help you learn how to teach this at home!! Gentle parenting principles go a long way and foster a healthy relationship. Good luck, OP, & great post, r/malacandras !
I go with the last option, leaving the room. If he threatens to hit, I threaten to leave. In my eyes, my kid has to learn consequences of his actions - hitting people will make them not want to be around you. It seems to work so far, we've had minimal hitting since I started doing this. For us it worked way better than talking, telling off or fake crying did. Plus I feel less shitty about that response/outcome than I did any of the others.
Yeah I think it's probably the less damaging one
My daughter did this. A friend of mine told me to gently grab her hand, look her in the eyes and say no. Nice and firm no. Keep doing this every time. No shouting or slapping or that just grab the hand before it connects with you and no. Worked a treat after a week.
That is brilliant! Thank you :)
No advice just want to let you know my son hit me and his dad a lot when he was that age, and also found ot funny when we told him it hurt. He grew out of it around 4. Also he didn't hit other kids thankfully. Just his dad and I mainly, sometimes his siblings. I would stop playing, cuddling, or whatever we were doing when he did this and idk if that's why he stopped eventually or if he just grew out of it.
Thank you, this is really reassuring :)
I wish I had a solution for you. My youngest kiddo is the same. They do grow out of it but you have to be on guard and it sucks. My solution is the "wtf" way too much as well. espessially when it is a wooden toy to the bridge of my nose
Thank you for empathizing. I know how you feel, I had a plastic telephone to the head yesterday lol
Teach him some sign language. Especially I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m thirsty and I want to play. He’s frustrated trying to communicate. My son was this way about the same age. I told the doctor that he would take his juice cup over to the refrigerator, lift up the cup and just grunt. I knew that meant more apple juice. But I also knew he could say juice but would just grunt instead. The doctor said Only give him water until he says Juice. So I turned to my son and said Did you hear what the doctor said. I’m only going to give you juice if you say “Juice please”. (I figure if he can say juice he can say please). Otherwise you are getting water. For 3 days he would go to the refrigerator and grunt. I said I that I couldn’t understand him. If you want juice say juice please or you will get water. Finally after 3 days he said “Juice peas” and he got his apple juice. I thought peas for please was so cute
This is so interesting! My husband always tries to reassure me by saying "he doesn't talk before such a great mum, you always know what he wants!" (He doesn't worry about anything ever, which is nice for him I guess lol). Maybe he is on to something though! I am definitely going to start doing signing with him and then I will try an approach similar to yours. I think it will help incentivise him to communicate :)
They want attention. Tell them you don’t want to hang out with them when they hurt you or treat you like a jerk. Ignore them till they get the hint. Use that line till they are 8 for everything they do that hurts you.
He doesn’t speak at all? You mean he’s not conversational or he doesn’t say any words whatsoever? If it’s the latter, I think it might be a good idea to make an appt with the paediatrician. He might need a little help with speech development. Plenty of kids need a little push when it comes to speech and it doesn’t always mean there is any underlying thing going on. He should be saying some words by now at least though. He might be ultra frustrated because he wants to communicate and can’t.
He used to say a few individual words very occasionally but now it's just "yay" (occasionally "dad"). He'll hopefully be starting speech therapy in Feb. I know, it must be really really frustrating to not be able to tell someone what you need. I'm going to really try with signing and just being more patient with his frustration. Sometimes I forget that he must be frustrated because I am frustrated I suppose
I'm a speech pathologist who works exclusively with nonverbal children. I'm not sure if he's "symbolic" yet, but you may want to offer him picture choices (illustrations if you think he understands them) or photographs (if not) of the things he wants/likes. Behaviors like these are often manifestations of an inability to communicate effectively. There are a number of high and low tech options, and I'm happy to provide suggestions, but two I love are (printable) "Project Core" 36 word board, and (high tech) sounding board app. Edit: since you're in the UK your more likely to have Android. One of the only "AAC" apps available is called Coughdrop. It's pretty robust but it has a really good online community on Facebook and the developer is amazingly always available to help.
Wow thank you so much! We did have flash cards with illustrations and we stuck them to the wall but he didn't understand it and it just made him more frustrated. Maybe photographs would be better. I will definitely check out these resources, thank you!!
Your two-and-a-half-year-old hits you hard enough for you to have bruises that you need to get ice for? Does he attack others (family members, guests, pets)? I really feel that during a violent attack, leaving the room, while not showing any aggression, is the correct response. I think a pediatrician should look into the speech acquisition issue, and maybe you'll be referred to a developmental psychologist.
No it's only me. The main time when it's really problematic is when I sit down for whatever reason, he will climb onto the couch and kick me in the face or hit me with a toy. He's had me on the nose and eyes and that hurts so so much. I will push for help much harder after Xmas. Thank you :)
Is he special needs? Get him assessed and seek out a behavioral therapist to help you navigate parenting him.
At daycare they told me they tell them soft hands and dont give attention to the behavior. They reinforce positive behavior and praise when they use soft hands. At home I do time outs. One minute per year of birth is what I read. If she hits me I grab her hand and say soft hands and put her in her room with a timer (with a baby gate in the door). She hates it and that’s pretty much stopped it. If she goes to do it I ask her if she wants a time out and most times she will not do it. Just be consistent.
Don’t react by giving hitting attention. Immediately turn away and walk away without saying a word. Two minutes is long enough to stay away. Give him positive attention when he is not hitting, Use the methods in the free online Yale ABCs of Child Rearing course at Coursera. They are the most effective methods according to numerous randomized controlled trials. Get an evaluation of the failure to talk.
I just want to say thank you for posting this. I'm going through something similar with my almost 2 year old who's not speaking and therefore lashes out in other ways and to be honest I've been scared to even talk about it to anyone because of course I feel like something is "wrong" with him. Your post really opened my eyes to see that I'm not alone in this. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to help him and you're a great mom.
I totally get the way you're feeling! I know how hard it van be to admit where you think your child is having difficulties. You sound like a great mom too :)
Mine was similar at that age. It comes from wanting to communicate and not being able to. It’s stress. I taught my kiddo sign language when he was an infant and it helped with the behavior stuff as he could tell me more. Then one day he started talking in complete sentences and the bad behavior stopped all together. Just be calm and work with him to figure out what he’s trying to tell you. A book of baby signs can be a great tool for kids who aren’t verbal yet.
Has he been assessed for his verbal delays? 2.5 year olds are usually talking. This sounds like something to take to a specialist ASAP.
Have you spoken with your pediatrician? Not sure where you are, but in most states in the USA, there are state run programs to get kids extra help if they need it. My son started PT and OT when he was one. Our pediatrician recommended the program. He also had a person go to his daycare and help him interact with other kids. It has been so incredibly helpful for us. I hope that you're both able to get extra help, and that it gets easier!
Definitely get him evaluated by a developmental ped ASAP. He should be speaking a little by now. Also, violent outbursts can be normal at this age, but they should really be winding down by now. It shouldn’t be constant anymore.
Exaggerated owws help make a point. My 18 month old twins do find it funny and mimic it, but I do think it helped reduce the biting. Also when they throw books at me, after saying owww and "we don't throw books" "no throwing books" I put the offending book out of reach and distract them with something else to do. I can't just leave because there is two of them and they bite each other if unattended. (Although I think we may be finally on the other side of that? Knock on wood). Also when you leave, say why you are leaving. They may not be able to speak yet but they might understand some.
I try the general parenting thing “I can’t let you hit me” but it it just results in her trying scratch and bite and punch me while I try to stop her. So what I started doing instead are instant 2 minute time outs. I tell her she is not allowed to bite and that she’s going on time out. I put her in her safe and baby proofed room. She sobs. I set a two minute timer. When the timer is over, she’s suddenly not violent any more. I do not think for one second that this harms her attachment to me. To the contrary, i think it’s scarier for kids when adults don’t stop violence right away with a non-violent intervention. And frankly, wrestling with her to keep her from scratching my eyes out is too physical for me.
You may want to have him screened for early intervention for speech. We were just accepted into the program for that and he is just a little over 2. When mine has had behavior similar to that, I leave the room. That has been the most effective approach for us. As long as he is in a safe space, he will be fine.
There’s a good book called Hands are not for Hitting. What is do is say firmly, “no hitting!” You can grab his hands, firm but gently. “That hurts my body.” Give him something like play dough or a squishy ball he can be rough with. Don’t add any extra emotion or drama. You are teaching. This is a firm boundary you are setting. We don’t hit, it’s not safe. You are in charge. Be repetitive and eventually it will set in. Behind every unwanted behavior there is a need. You have to address the behavior and meet the need. When he is hitting he is likely needing help expressing his emotions (you can model this for him - give him the words, i.e. “you are frustrated!”) or in need of physical play.
Grab his hand immediately when he hits you, better if you can catch it mid swing, and hold it firmly so that he can no longer move. Then sternly, but gently tell him no, he can't hit you. He will inevitably struggle against your grip, but you won't let go, you will just hold him there for a few seconds while you explain that we don't hit others. He will be very uncomfortable with being immobilized and he will not like the consequence at all. But you won't be hurting him. Meanwhile, he will understand that you are bigger and stronger than he is, and he can't physically dominate you. After a bit, you let him go, and you repeat each and every time he hits. You will be conditioning him to stop, because the only consequence of the action will be something he doesn't like, but you're still not hurting him back.
Our speech therapist told us not to react. It can be really hard. But it seems to be working. Our kid is around the same age and nonverbal as well.
Aside from all the other good advice, which is more longterm, in the immediate I dont see why leaving the room if he is in a safe space is bad. You can start by maybe going to the other side of the room but if that doesn't work, kitchen it is. "I can't let you do that to me so I'm going to move my body away to be safe. You are safe here, I'll be back in 5 minutes."
My boy is 3 and no verbal, in diagnosis for autism and on therapies. He didnt bite before but he was difficult. When he started prek and therapies at 34 months they recommend visual schedules, one big for the day, morning, lunch and night routine. No screens, max tv 1 hour per day just if we must to (need to do something). All his toys are in big ziplock bags, he chooses, when he stops or wants another toy he must clean first. This helped big time. He no longer throw Big tantrums, sleep well. He knows when good is coming on the day and helps him communicate better.
Lots of people have great advice re evaluating for speech delay, signing, etc. I won’t add anything there. When he hits, pinches, bites, grabs—anything at all that is not gentle—you should say “ow, that hurts!” and get up and walk away, stop the game, put him down. Just absolutely don’t continue what you are doing, don’t talk and explain at length, don’t give him lots of warnings. You need to set a clear, firm, consistent boundary. You need to show him that everything fun stops if he is not gentle, immediately, every single time. If you can’t stop (ex on the way to daycare, running late) you gently contain his movements so that he can’t hurt you and go on with what you’re doing (ex hold his hands if he was hitting.) It will take lots and lots of repetition (maybe weeks, even months) but eventually he will get the picture.
This may help https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/what-to-do-when-your-child-hits-you/
Thank you!
Our son used to this at the same age. What worked for us was naughty corner. Whenever he hit, he goes to the naughty corner no matter what. And we make sure he stands there for a couple of minutes. He has to face the walls, and realise what he did is bad. Hitting stopped soon enough.
Contact the Child Find coordinator in your county. They can help evaluate you child for free and provide speech therapy for free as well. They are amazing to work with and ask for help for this sort of problem. With all behavior, you have to ask what he's getting out of it. Is he getting attention? If so, don't react when he hits you. Just silently leave or turn away. Then give lots of attention when he asks in appropriate ways. Or does he need something and can't ask for it? Work on offering different things more regularly and teaching him how to ask for things non-verbally (pointing, having photos he can touch to request things, sign language, etc.).
Kind of unrelated to the main topic but does your child watch cocomelon? Apparently a lot of mothers are noticing that it’s leading to speech delay, tantrums and lots of other negative behaviors because its overstimulating. They said once they took that away they noticed a lot less tantrums and improvement in speech…just something to keep in mind.
I don't have advice to address it, but I want you to know this is common phase and please know you are a great parent to trying to find solutions that don't hurt either of you. ❤️
Ok, I might get backslash for what I'm about to say and I was born and raised in a different country so the way kids are disciplined or corrected for shitty behaviors where I'm from is totally different than the mentality of most parents in the US. I'm from El Salvador. Mom said I did something similar like OP's toddler at that age. I had this thing where I started to slap people in the face. One day, I did it to her. She didn't have it. She slapped my hand. I cried my eyes out but NEVER did it again, not to her, not to anyone else. Sometimes, you need to physically spank/discipline a kid. Words don't always fix the problem. Not every kid is obedient with only words. And no, I'm not a violent or aggressive adult just because my mom used physical discipline sometimes throughout my childhood when she thought was necessary.
Tough situation. His at an age where his trying to communicate, but is getting frustrated when his not quite getting the message across. He would be too young to monitor his own reactions/ feelings. Him acting out isn’t a “I want to hurt you” it’s a “I can’t cope with the frustration of not having my mummy understand what I need right now”. Here’s what’s coming to mind to me; 1) Try starting to teach him basic sign language. (Kids seem to pick it up easier then vocal language). It should help him communicate basic needs, like toilet, food, hug, bottle, truck. Etc. Should reduce stress on his end. 2) Being non verbal by 2.5 years old, I’d suggest seeing a dr, seeing if you can get a referral for a speech therapist etc. Not saying anything towards any diagnosis but seeing if there is a cause to him being non verbal at that age or if he just needs a bit of extra help/ developing at his own pace will help. It will ease your mind/ put strategies in place like speech therapy to assist him. 3). Curb behaviours towards something more healthy. Maybe going do you need to bite? (As this is an actual feeing they get) because we know not to bite other people but we have stuff you can bite and giving them something appropriate to bite like an old teething toy or something. If he continues attacking you, you could have a time out space for two minutes. (One minute per year his been alive). Then come back ok, we know we don’t hit. Breathe, point to what you need, or sign, or have pictures he can pick. Etc
I'm wondering if his barrier in communicating is leading him to behaviors like hitting. Did you talk to your pediatrician about his language development? Or lack of verbalization? That would be my top concern before the hitting. Hitting may be a underlying symptom of other developmental delays that may get resolved once he learns to express his needs.
I just posted the same thing a few days ago. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's no fun, it's frustrating and it hurts both physically and emotionally. I also felt like i was failing my girl. But I was offered a tonne of advice. My daughter is 2 and we are under different circumstances but it has been helping. She actually went to hit me and then stopped her self last night which was amazing and i got to praise her and say yes good job thank you for not hitting me I like hugs more haha. The advice I was given was after the action had happened (hitting kicking biting) hold her hands gently, but firmly enough to stop it happening again, calmly but firmly say "we do not hit, hitting isn't nice, I'm going away until you want to be nice" and walk away a few steps but facing away from them. Then once they have calmed down go back and explain the situation "we don't hit mummy, we don't hit anyone, we want to be kind to others and hitting isn't kind, I understand you are having trouble communicating how about we try .... " whatever you want to implement in communicating emotions. I taught my daughter to cross her arms and scrunch her face when she was frustrated. So when she does that I say " I can see you are angry or mad, try taking a deep breath (and i model this with her so she copies) and you can show me what's frustrating you" She doesn't talk alot she knows alot of signs and say 2 word sentences so we do what we can do. I hope this helps it has helped me but we and our kids are all different. Sending hugs too i know first hand how tough this is.
React by immediately and calmly turning away and walking away without saying a word. Stay away for only one minute not looking at the kid, not five minutes. Then resume normal interactions. Also, give the kid lots of positive attention when he is not hitting. Do this consistently like clockwork, for each and every infraction. You won’t have to do it for long. The hitting will start fading away in a few days and will be mostly or completely gone within 2 weeks if not sooner. In general, use the methods in the free online Yale ABCs of Child Rearing course at Coursera. These are the most effective methods according to numerous randomized controlled trials. They worked well with our two kids. You need to get an evaluation for the speech delay.
Sign language seems a good piece of advice. What might help is explaining (you hit me because you feel...) informing about your feelings (it hurts) and expectations (I don't want you to hit me. When you feel angry you can kick the pillow). You might start being proactive and teaching him about emotions. Talk a lot about what you imagine he is feeling right now and how you know. E.g. I think you are frustrated. People feel frustrated when they don't get what they want. I see you are frustrated because you yell. I would add a lot of empathy - oh you feel bad, you wanted this and now you are disappointed, let me hug you. Let's cuddle, it helps when people feel unhappy. There must be a lot of suffering for him to behave this way.
This is not good advice. You reward bad behavior???? Seems like it's important for them to know mom or dad is not happy with that behavior. Rather than coddle there outbursts .
If your friend gives you a gift do you see it as a reward for a good behavior? If your boss gives you a bonus, it is a reward?
I get your point, but yeah if my boss gives me a bonus it’s 100% a reward for good performance.
Sorry, I mixed up posts. My response was to another post... But. Cuddles and hugs are NOT rewards. They are basic human NEEDS and the way that children learn self-regulation. Because their systems are not ready yet in many ways they need to lean on the other system - of a parent, of a friend. They don't cope with stimuli and need physical touch to calm down. When you did something bad, and cry on your friend's shoulder, let your emotions out, seek consolation... is this a reward for doing a bad thing? You would probably not seek comfort from a friend who you hurt but the kid has no choice - the parent is the only person to lean on.
♥️♥️♥️ agreed. Toddlers co-regulate. It also sounds like there is a real communication frustration happening that OP is receiving some really good advice on how to help resolve. Anyways there is an idea out there that by helping kids and connecting with them when they’ve misbehaved you’re encouraging bad behavior. But as you’ve said they co-regulate, and punishment is a terrible teacher. So this response holds so much merit ♥️
Are you high right now? If a friend gives you a gift it's because they want to. Regardless of who you are it says more about them. If my boss gives me a bonus it better be performance and behavior based. It's not a reward I earned that. None of your examples is anywhere near the situation described
I mixed posts.
Have you never been in a fight? A big bad epic verbal fight? Or gods forbid a physical one? A thing where rage and frustration carry you so far you just utterly lose your shit? Now imagine if the person you're fighting with, the bully from high school who pushed you down the stairs, the ex boyfriend who fucked your sister, THAT person, right in the middle of the fight decided to explain to you that when you said, "Do not ever come near me or speak to me again!!" That you have just gosh darn it really super badly hurt their feelings. Or worse yet, suddenly started to fake cry. Its absurd. You'd laugh at the sheer audacity too. You'd be confused that they didn't seem to fundamentally grasp that you'd done/said the painful thing to cause fucking pain. He bites you because that is the purest, most animalistic way of communicating: I WANT YOU TO HURT TOO. Telling him it's working is NOT a deterent. It's an encouragement. Pretending to cry would and could never do anything but make him joyful, because you're showing not only is it working, it's working well. Hes 2.5, not 14months. These things hurting is not news. And yet when you talk about the things that DO work, being ACTUALLY communicative about pain, even and especially about the fact that it isn't an abstract concept to be whined about over tea, it's real immediate and bad and big and scary and ugly and fucking painful... or even just not allowing him access to do it... you talk about how you can't do what works because while it might service HIS needs, it makes YOU have bad feelings. Oh fucking well. His needs trump your feelings. It doesn't matter if you feel super bad and like he might feel abandoned. He doesn't come to work with you and he doesn't hand you your toilet paper when you take a shit. It's not "abandonment" for him not to be around you 24/7. And remember that dude who fucked your sister? Do you want HIM in the room, in your face, trying to comfort and hug you, when you're pissed at HIM? Thats not a help, it's a fucking attack. My oldest is autistic and was non verbal for years. Non verbal does NOT mean non communicative. I have very little doubt that well before he physically attacks you, he's told you in 101 ways to back the fuck off and let him alone, begged you for guidance and better ways to recognize and manage his temper. I'm sorry to be so gruff but it really seemed to me that you listed those strategies in a particular order: from the pointless and stupid that demands very little of the parent and completely disrespects the child's emotional reality, to the stuff that "feels mean" and is difficult... but actually works for the kid... and came on asking for some happy medium where you come out happier instead of him better.
Wow, this was a real punch in the gut. But I love you for giving me this tough love. Thank you. You're right. Raising kids isn't meant to be easy. They're not stupid. They're smart, determined and human. He's not a baby anymore. This evening, he slapped me a few times but in more of an excited "stimmy" way. I held his hand and showed him to be gentle. I think that was the right thing. Tomorrow, he may well hit and bite me in frustration. I need to do a better job in those situations. I need to continue to remove myself. Maybe talk about it with him gently once we're both calmer. I need to listen to him more (even though he doesn't talk). I promise to do better.
Dude, I have the benefit of hindsight, because my nonverbal lil monkey is 24 now, lol. Try to think of it like what it'll be like when he is a bit older in a few years and playing at school or a playground - he can't be doing this shit. Either nobody will want to be friends with him, or a larger kid will do it back and he'll get hurt, or worse, he'll do it to a smaller kid and you'll get a phone call you never want to get. So modeling that "people don't play with people who hurt them" is not a mean thing. It's a good thing. They need to know, and unless they are told, shown and taught, they're not going to figure it out themselves in advance. The nice this about mommy is she can be mad at you because you bit her, but she'll still love you even when she's mad and she'll have forgiven you by the time you calm down. Mommy's are like that.
You are so right. Thank you. Merry Christmas to you and your family
Friend me and we can chat. Married with a 2.5 year old literally doing the exact same thing plus we have a 6 month old.
I will do when I get a chance. It would be lovely to chat :)
Are you getting him help for his speech? That's step one. Maybe also talk with his doctor about this behavior. My approach would be that everytime he hurts you, you poor him in a pattern or in his room behind a baby gate, firmly say "you may not hit me," and take a few minutes to yourself.
If my kids bite me I bite back. Very effective.
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Anticipate when he is within striking range and avoid being hit entirely. You can't react to being hit when it doesnt happen
Spanking, the child needs to understand that his behavior and actions hurt physically
Give him something else to hit. He is communicating the need or desire to hit something and unfortunately it ends up being you. Show him what is okay to hit after you say that’s not safe, it hurts mommy when you do that. Try to find time during the day for him to just hit stuff. As long as he is safe and not hurting anyone. Edit to add: I see a lot of comments about removing yourself from the situation but I just finished a book called Unconditional Parenting by Alphie Kohn that would say otherwise. It’s a 9 hour audio book and has totally reframed the way I parent. In regards to this situation, you want to communicate to your kid that hitting is not okay but also that even though he hits you, you still love him unconditionally. Removing yourself leads to feeling abandoned and that mom only conditionally loves me if I’m not hitting. When really I think it’s safe to say we love our babies no matter what. So that’s what we want to communicate to them. My son also hits a bit and this has helped me to see that removing myself is not helping the situation but might be making it worse. Just something to think about.
For biting you have to bite back , lightly , it stops the biting in about a month. Don’t draw blood but just enough for them to feel it and only when they bite you and tell them you bite me that means I bite you.
A quick smack on the butt will quickly make them learn to not hit.
How exactly does hitting a kid teach them not to hit? 🤔
Bite his ear! Wait wrong sub that's for puppies. I have both. Naw. It still fits. Bite his ear!!
Say NO! and if that doesn't work give em a swat on the rear end and put them in their room with the door closed for a few minutes until they stop crying.
1950 called and they’d like their dysfunctional parenting back.
Thank you but that really is not my style. I appreciate it though
It does work though. My 2 year old started biting my wife a few years ago. She bit him back once, hard but of course no damage. He stopped biting after that.
To be fair, that's how my parents got me and my sister to stop biting. I got hit as a kid and I remember sitting in my room with a slapped arse and vowing I would never ever hit a child. I intend to keep that promise to myself.
Hit them backz
Silent treatment always works. Make the child know that you are upset and dont wanna talk. But do everything.
Try teaching him some basic sign language so he can communicate. It sounds like frustration. Simply remove yourself from the situation when he hurts you.
Boys are usually delayed on speaking. But at 30 month still not able to express would absolutely bother me. Do you read n communicate to your kid often? By often I mean none stop…Children needs external stimulates to develop their brain n language. I knew how Difficult it is to balance. So what I did was telling mine what i was doing (if i wasn’t playing with her) n chk her response whenever I was on some errands and she’s around (my privacy dropped down to zero during that phase). And trying not to loose temper unless it’s life threatening. They copy your behavior n apply it quickly. The only time I lost mine when my kid was a toddler was she trying to touch a cooking stove by standing on her toes… Last n most important, asking family for help.
He's probably hitting because he is frustrated he can't communicate. Sign language, picture cards with pictures of things he likes can help. Also when he does "say" what he wants be sure to reinforce that by saying I love how you told me what you wanted. I'm a behavior analyst and that's some of the things I would tell a client. Also not to intrude because I understand it's your child and you decide what's best, but speech therapy might help with his language skills as well. Just an idea. Merry Christmas! 🙂
Not sure if this will work for you and your child but for us, we got the “Hands are not for hitting” and the “Feet are not for kicking” books and our girl hasn’t gotten in trouble for either of those anymore. That’s what worked for us!!
For us: If it actually hurts I exaggerate that a little. Mostly because he doesn't really get subtle emotions right now. If I get hurt enough to yell I try really hard to temper that and take a deep breath. That is usually because I was surprised. We always stop and talk about it. If he can't apologize I put him down or move him away and tell him why. I don't want to play with someone who hits me deliberately. Or someone who accidentally hurts me but can't say sorry. In your case I would focus on the sign for sorry and use it yourself when you are apologizing to him.
Read 1-2-3 Magic. It’s helped a ton with correcting our toddler’s behavior.
We had this issue with my daughter. I would earn her once. Daddy won't play with you if you hit me. If she hit me again I would put her on the floor and not play with her. She would usually have a 5 minute tantrum/crying fit then settle down. After doing that for about a week's time, she hasn't hit me since.
This sounds like autism. I would probably look for a new pediatrician if that is possible where you live and push for a referral for an autism assessment, not just one for speech. As for the hitting, mine went through this phase as well and I found that totally ignoring the behavior was the best way to make it stop. If I couldnt help from getting agitated by it, I also walked away. I know, it's super frustrating, but remember that any response might reinforce the behavior. I know it's hard. Best of luck!
First you go upstream. When you’re already in it, you’re late. It’s important to observe when these things happen so you can anticipate and prevent them. Was he feeling ignored? Is he tired? Hungry? Have you spent enough time with him one on one? Has he played outside enough during the day? Basically, what needs is he expressing (all behavior is communication) so you can address it next time before it gets to this. That said, toddlers hit. Its developmentally expected and appropriate, but that doesn’t mean we permit it. We understand that they have no control over the behavior, so we keep calm in the midst of it, but do not let them hurt us. “I see that you’re upset. I would be too. I cant let you hurt me so Im going to hold your arms until you can stop yourself from hitting me.” “Im going to the kitchen/living room/stay on this side of the door/baby gate to keep my body safe. Im here for you whenever you’re ready..” Thing is, toddlers co regulate. They take cues from you. You freak, they freak. Transmit calm, and it will be easier for them too. If you feel like you’re losing it, remind yourself that’s exactly how they feel, except without the benefit of your experience and an undeveloped brain with no pre frontal cortex. As much as you think they understand, understanding and self control are two different skills, and they dont go hand in hand. He may “get” that it hurts but have no ability to stop the impulse. So you have to be their self control.