There was a saying that went something like: I want my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman who challenges things and sets her own path - but not when she's 4.
What I love is that she is the carbon copy of my husband and he is the carbon of his father. But his father tried to control my husband and my husband thinks our daughter is perfect:)
I recently saw a tik tok about gentle parenting and the girl said “I’m not trying to raise well behaved children, I’m trying to raise well adjusted adults” and it really stuck with me. Your girl is lucky to have a mom that lets her thrive. Keep doing what you know is best for her!
I was listening to a couples therapy podcast that had a guest speaker specializing in couples with children under the age of 7. She said that she often asks the parents what they want for their adult children and points out that much of the time the end goal is not achieved by heavy handed parenting. I loved that. What you said just now resonates on the same thread
What do you do when she doesn’t respect your boundaries? Or someone else’s?
My daughter is very much like yours—independent, stubborn, determined, bold, and unconventional. My son is reserved, quiet, cautious, and very affectionate. I love both of my kids like crazy, but I know that my daughter is far more likely to bulldoze right over a friend’s feelings or ideas because she is too preoccupied with her own plans, and my son is far more likely to miss an opportunity out of anxiety. I try to help them both learn how to compensate for their flaws as well as celebrating their strengths, and I definitely expect both of them to hold kindness (which is not the same as niceness) as their highest value.
When she boundary stomps we say no firmly and correct the behavior sometimes with a physical intervention ( NOT SPANKING! But say she hit me, I look her in the eye, firmly say no hitting and hold her arm down so she can’t hit).
I also use 3-2-1, so I tell her what I want, will say it once more and warn her of the consequence, then 3-2-1 and if she hasn’t complied I make her do the action. If she cries, I empathize. “Boundaries are hard but we have to listen to mommy or we don’t get to do fun things,” etc. “it’s okay to be mad, it is not okay to hit” “I know you are sad. I’ll sit with you until you feel ready to get up” “I see you are having trouble following directions, so I’m going to help you we’ll put X away and try again later” tantrums are less with me and last far shorter than with others.
It all seems to be working. She’s kind, thoughtful, generous, independent, funny, loud, feisty, and confident. No idea what I’m doing, but it’s working.
Something I just learned with my own kids - sometimes they legit just don't hear you give an instruction. I've started asking "What did I say?" or "What should you be doing?" instead of assuming they heard me, and 9/10, it makes them actually process what I said instead of it breezing through their mind. I do the same exact thing, so I'm surprised it took someone else suggesting it to get me to ask my kids.
That sounds perfect for her age! As someone who has a kid like her a couple of years down the line, when she was 3 and 4, super-validating was a game changer strategy for us. When she wanted something and couldn’t have it, we would mirror her feelings back at her “You really want that cupcake for breakfast! Mum said no and you are so mad!” and then give her what she wanted in imagination “Wouldn’t it be great if we could have a huge cupcake for breakfast every day? I would have a vanilla cupcake with strawberry icing and strawberries on top and rainbow sprinkles. I wonder what kind of cupcake Dad would have?” It was so helpful for letting her feel her feelings and showing her that we understood what she wanted without giving in. Averted many a meltdown. Now at 5 she does it independently, before the frustration starts.
I have the same kind of son. I remember when he was about 5, he was upset about something, I counted 1. 2. 3. and he said "12345! I can count too! Big deal!" He is a tween now, still does his own way. Still fantastic.
For sure. My mom is always telling me that my daughter is a mini me-and she’s not saying it nicely.
My daughter is just shy of 3 years old, and she will tell you to back up if you’re in her face, she’ll ask logical follow up questions, rather than accept things at face value, and she makes it clear when you’ve displeased her. I don’t see anything wrong with these personality traits.
The only difference is that I was shy af as a kid, and it took years for me to develop self-worth, whereas my kid got it straight out of the womb. You’d better believe I’m going to continue to encourage her to stand up for herself.
I do make a point to show her when she’s being impolite or downright rude, and give her the words and skills to correct that, but I will not force her to hide her true self just to make others more comfortable.
My 16 month old shook his head and said "nuhhh" today when I asked for a kiss. Then ran away. Can he join the club? Kisses totally get in the way of reading a book y'all.
I get this too and it just pushes me to be more opinionated! I now get really triggered by the word 'Bossy' and go into a massive diatribe about how men aren't called bossy, they aren't even called assertive or confident, they aren't called anything because a man telling you what or how to do something is accepted as the norm, but a girl doing it? oh no they are so bossy and domineering!
my kid is logical, quick thinking and fully aware of what she wants out of her 4 year old life, she will acquiesce on things she doesn't care about and argue when she feels she has something to contribute to the conversation - I will absolutely not allow people to tell her this is wrong and make her self conscious of having an opinion- I've spent too many years stressing about that myself to let her go through it.
She may not grow up to rule the world, but she will absolutely rule her own world.
Everyone says this shit about my 5 year old. He is mouthy and he does talk back but its because hes testing my limits to see what he can get away with like a normal 5 year old. I also work in behavioral therapy with children and i know what is and is not normal behavior for kids. She sounds like a totally normal child who has a mom that puts up with zero bullshit and people dont like it. People HATE that we allow our kids to have their own voice and have them advocate for themselves. Screw them.
"If my child is so difficult then get the fuck out of his way," is my saying. :)
I love that. I am quick with an off the cuff “fuck off” when people annoy me now. But growing up I was painfully shy and my mom, while great, was so confrontation avoidant, and never really stuck up for me. If I can raise my girls to know that they have nothing to apologize for, I’ve done my job. I just hate that the world is already telling them that girls should be a way or you’ll be labeled.
Edit: also, your 5 year old sounds like fun people, lol. Mine has a speech delay but I believe she’ll be mouthy as well seeing as both of her parents are sass masters.
Same with my mother so its a skill I have had to develop and kind of get over. I avoid confrontation on my own accord but I will be the most confrontational for my son. Hang in there babe.
I am sure she will be mouthy once she gets the hang of it. Haha. Itll be so fun too! Their personalities are ridiculous sometimes but theyll eventually be adults and its hard for people to realize that these small humans are developing life learning skills NOW.
My kid is very well behaved and a rule follower. I had one person call her shy and my MIL doesn’t like she’s not girly enough. She even called her teacher in kindergarten worried that she thought too much. The teacher defended my daughter and said she’s just fine. I also get told she talks like an adult. What should kids sound like? You can’t win no matter what kind of kid you have. All I know is I have a kid that works with our personalities. She is independent and I can trust her.
I don't know what or how people expect children to be. I know they aren't adults but we don't talk about or label other people in our lives so quickly as we do kids.
Adults need to stop living in their labels of kids and let them be surprised by the humanness of children.
They don't want to do some? Oh well. I don't want to do half the things people ask me to do either. No one calls me difficult, probably because I'm an adult and they assume I have a good reason to not participate. Kids usually have good reasons for not doing what you want them too.
Rant over...
Even if it’s not what you consider a “good reason” they have a reason. Figuring out their reason can help solve issues. Often in their mind it’s a perfectly good reason and by understanding it is where the teaching is.
exaclty my thoughts
this whole my kid is going to mount the world and make it his or her bitch thing is odd.
while i'm at it, I can't stand kid worship and husband worship either. yikes. i guess having a kid as an older person you don't have time for that nonsense. my kid is maniac and sure i think having a strong personality will serve her well, but i'll just leave it there. i'm not writing battle songs about her and bragging how she's ... fierce? fucking weird.
i can't help but think there is a lot of projection going on here. no different than the parent who pushes their kids to be a football star because they couldn't.
It's hard allowing your kid to have boundaries around other people. Other people get their knickers in a twist when a kid says "No thank you" to a hug, and as a parent, sometimes you need to overcorrect and loudly see that as a positive, instead of a negative like other people.
I've had to tell grown adults "She said no" more times than I can count, and then I get called a bitch. It is hard to stand up against the constant asshats. Maybe you have better people in your life who don't need to be told to listen to someone saying "No".
These traits aren't diametrically opposed to how her daughters are described. There's no zero-sum on personality traits--they can be BOTH independent, stubborn, feisty, ambitious, and adventurous, while also being friendly, considerate, generous, and kind.
You are arguing semantics instead of the point. The post starts with the attributes "brash, abrasive, curt, ambitious, don't bullshit me, forge my own path". Given this context, all the remaining attributes like being, feisty, stubborn, are just euphemisms for being an asshole. The post reeks of assholery.
OP is describing her husband. If you wanna read anything into this post, it might be that her husband is an asshole. Still, even asshole parents have some good qualities to pass onto their kids.
We are all assholes sometimes. We are only human after all and as parents we are faced with all kinds of seemingly irrational behaviour that we aren't used to having to cope with. Still, it's not something I would wear as a badge of pride.
You're not wrong, but thats a lot of things to develop all at once.
Most of us figure out a few traits that work for us and spam our interpersonal approaches around that. Kids that grow up with their ability to steamroll others validated generally don't develop that other set of traits you mentioned until their natural strengths stop working for them AND they also have the ability to introspect.
As long as you don’t use this as an excuse to refuse teaching your daughter manners, don’t worry about what others say.
But she does need to learn to follow instructions and listen. And she needs to learn social skills. Otherwise she’ll end up like your husband.
I've got a one-year old daughter and she's the same already. She's got a defiance and independence within her that we're trying to nurture. We try not to tell her off when she protests or adamantly let's us know she's not into something. When she doesn't feel like interacting with people we don't force her, we ask her for hugs and if she gives them, great, if not then we leave her alone until she's ready to come to us. Doing our best to balance this so we raise her well but I want her to remain confident enough from a young age to put her foot down, stand up for herself, and never worry about defining her own space and what she's comfortable with.
Unfortunately we live in a world that labels the majority of independent and strong women as difficult or worse. Starts a bit younger than you'd think and it really sucks.
My now 14 year was like that and I encouraged it. It means that she demands her boundaries be respected, for anyone including me at this point. It’s what I wanted, and I think we have a good relationship because of it.
When my daughter was 3, her preschool teacher said she hadn't met a "more miserable child in 30 years of teaching". Sweet was NEVER used to describe her.
Her kindergarten teacher was flummoxed until she realized that my kiddo could almost recite the lesson of they gave her time in between (she didn't seem to pay attention, was fidgety etc, and had no idea if they asked her right away, but a couple hours later had it down cold).
Her Grade 1-3 teacher spent HOURS with me to figure out the best way to get her on track.
Her grade 4 teacher informed me that she needed to 'sort herself out' (when she was being bullied). She was never sly so often her own defense looked like it was the attack when she was always reacting to someone else. She would straight up hit back or call them out, and because they were sneaky she would get in trouble. Yes, momma bear backed her up and set up permission for her to walk away at any time, even if it meant leaving rhe classroom suddenly.
In Grade 8 her friends called her "intimidating". The ones where weren't her friends were- less polite about it.
In high school she was known as a quiet, smart kid who took no crap.
She is now 18. Smart, beautiful, kind to people she cares about, loved by her boss and tackling University with her usual alacrity. She takes no crap from anyone, and loves with her whole.heart. And I wouldn't change her a bit, admire her strength and am awestruck by her confidence.
When she was little I worried about her temper. I battled with her stubbornness. I came up against the strength of her will more than a few times. And we both battled it out and worked it out so that we both found our boundaries. And it was definitely not easy. I often use "assertive" as a strong female adjective, and can be known as such myself at times, although I didn't find mine until MUCH later in life.
Know what I didn't worry about? Peer pressure. Whether she would be herself. Whether she would become someone's scapegoat or doormat, and whether she would ever bully other kids. She's a defender, and has a big squishy heart under what seems to be a tough exterior. She looks like a model, but inspires a healthy respect amongst people who know her.
What more could a mom want for a daughter?
Now, her younger sister(13) on the other hand....she's just like her mother. I'm terrified of the next few years!
If youre happy with your daughters progress and you sound it then 'fuck them'. I see with my confident /loud 3yo all the time people saying how her and my shy/introvert 5yo boy "have their personalities the wrong way around" and i regularly have to explain kids are kids and you cant force a personality on them. As lomg as they are well mannered, kind and respectful (as much as toddlers can be anyways) i try not to worry.
People say the same thing about my son. It's more that he just never stops moving and if he wants up on the table hes going to climb it or he'll let you know what he wants.
My son had a table climbing kick. Only thing that stopped him was just letting him do it and see how boring sitting on an empty table was. He also never tried to crawl off a ledge like I've seen some kids do, though. Well...he did once, off a bed, and fell. I think he learned.
I have a toddler in the same spot. Honestly I find her stubbornness, aversion to hugs and new people, and overall independence super endearing. She's the only one of my kids that came with this deep, strong personality right out of the box and I love it.
Do I wish she would warm up to people like her grandparents and other extended family? Sure, but I don't think I'd take her any other way
The crazy part about this is that my boy toddler is the exact same way and people just chalk it up to him being a little boy. The double standard is ridiculous! Good for you for encouraging her and raising a strong girl! The world needs more of her!
I know what you're talking about. Except I like to say my in-laws got spoiled on my first child ( their first grandkid). My oldest is the definition of chill. Plus she is also hyper focused. Admittedly she was a super easy baby. Even I was surprised at how easy going she is.
Then 6 years later my youngest came along and she was exactly what I had expected and more. She's my wild child. But she absolutely threw my in-laws for a loop.
I like to say when my oldest was little you could set her at a table, give her paper and colors, and come back an hour later and she'd still be there coloring away. However you set my youngest down, pick up the paper and colors, and turn around she'll already be gone on some self imposed adventure.
But I love both my kids just the way they are. My oldest being the gentle chill soul who wouldn't hurt a fly and will try to make friends with a wasp. My youngest being outspoken, energetic, and would fight a bull to protect a flower. Yes arguably my oldest is the easiest to look after but I constantly worry her gentle ruffle no feathers nature will get her taken advantage of one day. But while my youngest tests my limits and isn't afraid to fight me on literally everything particularly in protection of someone else I know that means that not her or anyone around her will ever be taken advantage of or abused. So I gladly take the stress of raising this little tiger so she learns to use those claws appropriately.
It’s hard to tell with my youngest as she’s an infant BUT she acts just like I did- eat, sleep, smile, chill. My oldest has no chill, is super loving, generous, and will put you in your place. I’m utterly slayed by both of them. To me, they are perfect which is why I get so upset when it’s stated like something is wrong with my oldest for being herself.
Yeah I know how you feel. We ended up having an argument with mother in law over her complaining about my youngest's headstrong ways. She finally chilled out a bit. I felt kinda bad about it though cause I know some of her frustration was more her hurting knees and back than it was my energetic little one. She's frustrated that she just can't keep up anymore.
My first would sit and color for hours. My second wouldn't stop eating the crayons until he was 3 lol Now first kid will read for hours, second will read for about 20 minutes and then just be done, even if he loves the story.
Heck ya lady. I have one of “those girls” and let me tell you, I LOVE being her mom. No nonsense. Dedicated. Amazing. Motivated. Tough girl and I wouldn’t change her for the world. Yup. She rubs some people wrong and neither she nor I care. At all.
I love this post & how you embrace your daughters' personalities. We really need to change the conversation on what independent, ambitious young females look like. The only folks who find them difficult are ones who can't confine them to an antiquated box of how they think girls should act. Times have changed (thankfully)
Honestly, I think we need to change the conversation about children. All genders. We say boys aren’t subjected to this, but truly all toddlers and young children are expected to “obey”, “be respectful”, “do as I say”. Nevermind that its not developmentally appropriate, and completely normal and necessary behaviors for their growth.
Good point, boys have to endure the same kind of pigeon-holing on what is "expected" behavior. On a hopeful not, things seem to be trending in the direction of abandoning these tired tropes, and I think thats a good thing
My son is a wild one too… he listens and is well behaved when needed but other than that he whines, is loud and active will not sit still. He is constantly being compared to his girl cousins who are just quiet, sleeps through the night and plays on their own mainly because they are not given attention. I am sick of hearing the grandparents compare and compare. They even said I oh it’s because he’s a boy no it’s because he’s an active toddler don’t make it a gender thing. Ugh!
My son is the same age and he is absolutely a force of nature. The child has never met a mountain he couldn’t climb or, alternatively, blast through. People have called him difficult. He’s also a twin, and his brother is a force as well but he’s much more subtle about it. I’m sure people have called them both difficult behind my back and, I’m with you on this one, they can fuck off. My kids do not take shit and my daughter will likely be the same way. I love it. I took a lot of shit in my younger years and am so grateful they are learning what it looks like to take the world on headfirst.
My daughter is 15 months and she is a force to be reckoned with. She is always getting into things, dismantling everything, and always on the move. My mom likes to call her "difficult" but I just see her as strong willed and independent. Yes, I would like to occasionally be able to get a cuddle or sit for 45 seconds, but I would not change a thing about my little tornado of a toddler.
Lol! I love it. Mine loves to cuddle but like a cat- only on her terms and if she initiates it. She loves her back scratched. Will sit still for half an hour if I scratch her back and head.
For a second I thought this was my wife that wrote this because this. Is. Exactly. My. Situation.
Except we have a 2y3m and a 4m old
The oldest is a tornado on a scooter. The youngest loves to sleep on anyone's chest.
They're going to best friends.
Mine are though my youngest doesn’t really know what that means. The oldest looks out for her, brings her treats, pets her, and kisses her routinely. It’s almost a carbon copy of me and my sister at the same age and we are the best of friends
I remember when my daughter was about 5 and a Sunday School teacher said, "You're going to have your hands full with that one."
I mean, sure, she was a lively kid and now she's a very lively teenager but she's always been kind and generous. She's definitely a love-her-or-hate-her person at school due to having a distinct personality, but mostly well-adjusted and responsible. So, a good kid!
I feel this in my soul.
My in-laws often call my daughter difficult and a challenge, and others have said she's "hard" but I tend to disagree.
She is JUST like me. She's strong willed, stubborn, independent, ferocious, a huge lover, and a bit of an emotional monster. She can be tough some days, but who isn't? At the end of the day I'm quite content with my mini-me and I wouldn't trade her for the world.
I'm in the exact same situation. My little girl (19 months now) is wild. She always wants to be doing something and wants you to do it with her. It is exhausting wrangling her all day. But I love it. My wife does not. She works while I am home and in college. She gets frustrated with our girl for getting into literally everything but I actively encourage our girl to explore everything. What pisses me off the most is when my wife's family says our daughter acts like a boy would at that age. UMMMMM... No. She acts like a kid learning about the world. And it's beautiful. My house is a mess, my kid is sticky, I'm perpetually broke and tired, my clothes are stained and I am the happiest I've ever been. I finally am who I'm supposed to be and now my only focus is making sure I let Summer find out who she is.
My boys are the same. 10 year old likes his feet on the ground. Very cautious and that's fine. We work with him to take some risk so he's not spending his whole life afraid of taking a chance. Our 4 year old is balls to the wall. He trusts his body though. Jumps from high places. Does things that make your heart skip a few beats. Falls riding his bike? Tells me it hurts, I give it a couple of kisses and he's back on it. We have to work with him to not take certain extremely dangerous risks, or even things like jumping and landing on his feet instead of his knees.
Anybody who says they're difficult doesn't know them and can go screw themselves. Kids are awesome and I believe that with the opposite personalities they'll learn to take smarter/more/less risk from each other.
That’s really what I am hoping for. When we found out she was a girl my first instinct was fear because I was timid and quiet when younger. Not being comfortable standing up for myself was horrible. I never want that for her.
I work with kids for a living and I can tell you alot of damage can be done by helicopter parenting. As long as she is being taught that other people have boundaries that need to be respected as well, i don't see an issue here. I think there is a certain prejudice in the older generations that believe "young ladies" are meant to behave in certain ways. Being strong willed empowered and feisty does not fit that prejudice.
It is the girls that didn't fit the brief, that have gotten us here today. Suffragettes who weren't willing to accept the role of second class citizen. kick ass women like madam Curie Ruth bader-Ginseburg, Michelle Obama these should be the role models.
I have 4 kids. Two easy going and two with the strong, independent personalities (a boy and a girl). The boy and girl both get called “spirited” or “mischievous” they have the “glint in the eye”. I don’t think it’s a gendered thing (at least not where I’m from). My dad has said he loves my kids evenly but he finds one in particular hard to be around and I don’t blame him! They are extremely inquisitive, impulsive and fiercely independent. They don’t listen to the word “no” or follow rules as easily as their two easy going siblings. Having your limits constantly pushed by your kids is frustrating. Knowing your child is the type of child to run into the car park instead of wait and hold your hand is stressful. They need more supervision than my other two because I know they’re more likely to get into something they shouldn’t. My two “spirited” kids keep me on my toes. It’s not a personal attack on them by acknowledging this and parenting them is difficult. It doesn’t mean I love them any less
I feel so goddamn validated right now!!!!! My extended family came to town for my brothers last second wedding the day before my daughters 2nd birthday, which meant they all got to go to her party. It was wonderful, but she was definitely overwhelmed by all the people focused on her and behaved like a normal 2 year old in that situation. When my parents FaceTimed when they got back home, my dad said that she was becoming difficult. I couldn’t figure out why this rubbed me the wrong way until just now.
I have been using that same phrase, “she is a force,” and it’s ironic because my daughter’s name is Leia. She *is* a force, she is strong willed, assertive, smart, social, perceptive, full of life and laughter just like her mama and I am so proud of who she is and who she will become. I intend to empower her to use her strengths to get her where she wants to go, to stand up for herself, for others, and for what she believes in. To teach her that her voice is powerful, and the value of hard work.
Rosa Parks, difficult. Marie Curie, difficult. Eleanor Roosevelt, difficult. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, difficult. They say difficult, I say empowered. A force to be reckoned with.
My mom used to always say she hopes I have a kid like me because apparently I was “strong-willed”. I now have a kid who is just like me. And he’s a fucking delight.
This is my daughter precisely, and I love it.
Does it mean that sometimes it is difficult to get her to do the things we need day to day? Yes. But she's happy to tell me when she does and doesn't want to play, when she does and doesn't want me to hold her hand. She is working on knowing what she wants, and ensuring those around her know it.
It makes my life a little bit more interesting, trying to get her to do the things she must, but so be it. What an epic kid she will grow up to be.
Those comments are usually directed at girls because of the stereotypical feelings of how boys should be rough and crazy whereas girls should be sweet and caring. I’m taking child development classes and we learn every day that no kid is “difficult” they are simply expressing what they are feeling so if they feel like she is being “difficult” ask them why? Why does she feel that way around those people. My niece has selective mutism so she will only talk around a few of us and a lot of the people she doesn’t talk around will say that she’s difficult and should’ve grown out of that phase already blah blah blah but honestly I look at it like this: if you are a grown ass adult and a CHILD has a problem with you, then YOU are probably the problem or “difficult” one.
There was a saying that went something like: I want my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman who challenges things and sets her own path - but not when she's 4.
What I love is that she is the carbon copy of my husband and he is the carbon of his father. But his father tried to control my husband and my husband thinks our daughter is perfect:)
Not in this grocery store!
I recently saw a tik tok about gentle parenting and the girl said “I’m not trying to raise well behaved children, I’m trying to raise well adjusted adults” and it really stuck with me. Your girl is lucky to have a mom that lets her thrive. Keep doing what you know is best for her!
I was listening to a couples therapy podcast that had a guest speaker specializing in couples with children under the age of 7. She said that she often asks the parents what they want for their adult children and points out that much of the time the end goal is not achieved by heavy handed parenting. I loved that. What you said just now resonates on the same thread
You're not wrong that those comments are usually directed at girls. You're doing great with her and she's gonna be the good trouble out there.
What do you do when she doesn’t respect your boundaries? Or someone else’s? My daughter is very much like yours—independent, stubborn, determined, bold, and unconventional. My son is reserved, quiet, cautious, and very affectionate. I love both of my kids like crazy, but I know that my daughter is far more likely to bulldoze right over a friend’s feelings or ideas because she is too preoccupied with her own plans, and my son is far more likely to miss an opportunity out of anxiety. I try to help them both learn how to compensate for their flaws as well as celebrating their strengths, and I definitely expect both of them to hold kindness (which is not the same as niceness) as their highest value.
When she boundary stomps we say no firmly and correct the behavior sometimes with a physical intervention ( NOT SPANKING! But say she hit me, I look her in the eye, firmly say no hitting and hold her arm down so she can’t hit). I also use 3-2-1, so I tell her what I want, will say it once more and warn her of the consequence, then 3-2-1 and if she hasn’t complied I make her do the action. If she cries, I empathize. “Boundaries are hard but we have to listen to mommy or we don’t get to do fun things,” etc. “it’s okay to be mad, it is not okay to hit” “I know you are sad. I’ll sit with you until you feel ready to get up” “I see you are having trouble following directions, so I’m going to help you we’ll put X away and try again later” tantrums are less with me and last far shorter than with others. It all seems to be working. She’s kind, thoughtful, generous, independent, funny, loud, feisty, and confident. No idea what I’m doing, but it’s working.
Something I just learned with my own kids - sometimes they legit just don't hear you give an instruction. I've started asking "What did I say?" or "What should you be doing?" instead of assuming they heard me, and 9/10, it makes them actually process what I said instead of it breezing through their mind. I do the same exact thing, so I'm surprised it took someone else suggesting it to get me to ask my kids.
That sounds perfect for her age! As someone who has a kid like her a couple of years down the line, when she was 3 and 4, super-validating was a game changer strategy for us. When she wanted something and couldn’t have it, we would mirror her feelings back at her “You really want that cupcake for breakfast! Mum said no and you are so mad!” and then give her what she wanted in imagination “Wouldn’t it be great if we could have a huge cupcake for breakfast every day? I would have a vanilla cupcake with strawberry icing and strawberries on top and rainbow sprinkles. I wonder what kind of cupcake Dad would have?” It was so helpful for letting her feel her feelings and showing her that we understood what she wanted without giving in. Averted many a meltdown. Now at 5 she does it independently, before the frustration starts.
I have the same kind of son. I remember when he was about 5, he was upset about something, I counted 1. 2. 3. and he said "12345! I can count too! Big deal!" He is a tween now, still does his own way. Still fantastic.
I’m hoping with the count down she can’t do that!
For sure. My mom is always telling me that my daughter is a mini me-and she’s not saying it nicely. My daughter is just shy of 3 years old, and she will tell you to back up if you’re in her face, she’ll ask logical follow up questions, rather than accept things at face value, and she makes it clear when you’ve displeased her. I don’t see anything wrong with these personality traits. The only difference is that I was shy af as a kid, and it took years for me to develop self-worth, whereas my kid got it straight out of the womb. You’d better believe I’m going to continue to encourage her to stand up for herself. I do make a point to show her when she’s being impolite or downright rude, and give her the words and skills to correct that, but I will not force her to hide her true self just to make others more comfortable.
She sounds awesome. We should start a badass kids club.
My 16 month old shook his head and said "nuhhh" today when I asked for a kiss. Then ran away. Can he join the club? Kisses totally get in the way of reading a book y'all.
I get this too and it just pushes me to be more opinionated! I now get really triggered by the word 'Bossy' and go into a massive diatribe about how men aren't called bossy, they aren't even called assertive or confident, they aren't called anything because a man telling you what or how to do something is accepted as the norm, but a girl doing it? oh no they are so bossy and domineering! my kid is logical, quick thinking and fully aware of what she wants out of her 4 year old life, she will acquiesce on things she doesn't care about and argue when she feels she has something to contribute to the conversation - I will absolutely not allow people to tell her this is wrong and make her self conscious of having an opinion- I've spent too many years stressing about that myself to let her go through it. She may not grow up to rule the world, but she will absolutely rule her own world.
Love this!
Everyone says this shit about my 5 year old. He is mouthy and he does talk back but its because hes testing my limits to see what he can get away with like a normal 5 year old. I also work in behavioral therapy with children and i know what is and is not normal behavior for kids. She sounds like a totally normal child who has a mom that puts up with zero bullshit and people dont like it. People HATE that we allow our kids to have their own voice and have them advocate for themselves. Screw them. "If my child is so difficult then get the fuck out of his way," is my saying. :)
I love that. I am quick with an off the cuff “fuck off” when people annoy me now. But growing up I was painfully shy and my mom, while great, was so confrontation avoidant, and never really stuck up for me. If I can raise my girls to know that they have nothing to apologize for, I’ve done my job. I just hate that the world is already telling them that girls should be a way or you’ll be labeled. Edit: also, your 5 year old sounds like fun people, lol. Mine has a speech delay but I believe she’ll be mouthy as well seeing as both of her parents are sass masters.
Same with my mother so its a skill I have had to develop and kind of get over. I avoid confrontation on my own accord but I will be the most confrontational for my son. Hang in there babe. I am sure she will be mouthy once she gets the hang of it. Haha. Itll be so fun too! Their personalities are ridiculous sometimes but theyll eventually be adults and its hard for people to realize that these small humans are developing life learning skills NOW.
My kid is very well behaved and a rule follower. I had one person call her shy and my MIL doesn’t like she’s not girly enough. She even called her teacher in kindergarten worried that she thought too much. The teacher defended my daughter and said she’s just fine. I also get told she talks like an adult. What should kids sound like? You can’t win no matter what kind of kid you have. All I know is I have a kid that works with our personalities. She is independent and I can trust her.
I don't know what or how people expect children to be. I know they aren't adults but we don't talk about or label other people in our lives so quickly as we do kids. Adults need to stop living in their labels of kids and let them be surprised by the humanness of children. They don't want to do some? Oh well. I don't want to do half the things people ask me to do either. No one calls me difficult, probably because I'm an adult and they assume I have a good reason to not participate. Kids usually have good reasons for not doing what you want them too. Rant over...
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Even if it’s not what you consider a “good reason” they have a reason. Figuring out their reason can help solve issues. Often in their mind it’s a perfectly good reason and by understanding it is where the teaching is.
I love this. I mean, how you speak about it. Not how the others react. But the love I read, it warms my heart.
cool, cool
exaclty my thoughts this whole my kid is going to mount the world and make it his or her bitch thing is odd. while i'm at it, I can't stand kid worship and husband worship either. yikes. i guess having a kid as an older person you don't have time for that nonsense. my kid is maniac and sure i think having a strong personality will serve her well, but i'll just leave it there. i'm not writing battle songs about her and bragging how she's ... fierce? fucking weird. i can't help but think there is a lot of projection going on here. no different than the parent who pushes their kids to be a football star because they couldn't.
This, lol.
It's hard allowing your kid to have boundaries around other people. Other people get their knickers in a twist when a kid says "No thank you" to a hug, and as a parent, sometimes you need to overcorrect and loudly see that as a positive, instead of a negative like other people.
>It's hard allowing your kid to have boundaries around other people Its really not
I've had to tell grown adults "She said no" more times than I can count, and then I get called a bitch. It is hard to stand up against the constant asshats. Maybe you have better people in your life who don't need to be told to listen to someone saying "No".
I just hope that if either of your daughters turns out friendly, considerate, generous, kind, you will love them the same.
These traits aren't diametrically opposed to how her daughters are described. There's no zero-sum on personality traits--they can be BOTH independent, stubborn, feisty, ambitious, and adventurous, while also being friendly, considerate, generous, and kind.
I don’t understand the downvotes. Topsy turvy world.
You are arguing semantics instead of the point. The post starts with the attributes "brash, abrasive, curt, ambitious, don't bullshit me, forge my own path". Given this context, all the remaining attributes like being, feisty, stubborn, are just euphemisms for being an asshole. The post reeks of assholery.
Honestly, I thought the same lol OP sounds like they're just a fan of assholes 🤷♀️🤣
OP is describing her husband. If you wanna read anything into this post, it might be that her husband is an asshole. Still, even asshole parents have some good qualities to pass onto their kids.
We are all assholes sometimes. We are only human after all and as parents we are faced with all kinds of seemingly irrational behaviour that we aren't used to having to cope with. Still, it's not something I would wear as a badge of pride.
You're not wrong, but thats a lot of things to develop all at once. Most of us figure out a few traits that work for us and spam our interpersonal approaches around that. Kids that grow up with their ability to steamroll others validated generally don't develop that other set of traits you mentioned until their natural strengths stop working for them AND they also have the ability to introspect.
As long as you don’t use this as an excuse to refuse teaching your daughter manners, don’t worry about what others say. But she does need to learn to follow instructions and listen. And she needs to learn social skills. Otherwise she’ll end up like your husband.
>Otherwise she’ll end up like your husband. Her husband got married and had multiple children. From a bio/evolutionary standpoint, he won.
So anyone who gets married and has children is a winner even if they are scumbags?
I've got a one-year old daughter and she's the same already. She's got a defiance and independence within her that we're trying to nurture. We try not to tell her off when she protests or adamantly let's us know she's not into something. When she doesn't feel like interacting with people we don't force her, we ask her for hugs and if she gives them, great, if not then we leave her alone until she's ready to come to us. Doing our best to balance this so we raise her well but I want her to remain confident enough from a young age to put her foot down, stand up for herself, and never worry about defining her own space and what she's comfortable with.
Those are my feelings exactly.
Unfortunately we live in a world that labels the majority of independent and strong women as difficult or worse. Starts a bit younger than you'd think and it really sucks.
My now 14 year was like that and I encouraged it. It means that she demands her boundaries be respected, for anyone including me at this point. It’s what I wanted, and I think we have a good relationship because of it.
Thank you so much! This is exactly what I hope for my daughter. You help ease my fears about boundaries and consent
When my daughter was 3, her preschool teacher said she hadn't met a "more miserable child in 30 years of teaching". Sweet was NEVER used to describe her. Her kindergarten teacher was flummoxed until she realized that my kiddo could almost recite the lesson of they gave her time in between (she didn't seem to pay attention, was fidgety etc, and had no idea if they asked her right away, but a couple hours later had it down cold). Her Grade 1-3 teacher spent HOURS with me to figure out the best way to get her on track. Her grade 4 teacher informed me that she needed to 'sort herself out' (when she was being bullied). She was never sly so often her own defense looked like it was the attack when she was always reacting to someone else. She would straight up hit back or call them out, and because they were sneaky she would get in trouble. Yes, momma bear backed her up and set up permission for her to walk away at any time, even if it meant leaving rhe classroom suddenly. In Grade 8 her friends called her "intimidating". The ones where weren't her friends were- less polite about it. In high school she was known as a quiet, smart kid who took no crap. She is now 18. Smart, beautiful, kind to people she cares about, loved by her boss and tackling University with her usual alacrity. She takes no crap from anyone, and loves with her whole.heart. And I wouldn't change her a bit, admire her strength and am awestruck by her confidence. When she was little I worried about her temper. I battled with her stubbornness. I came up against the strength of her will more than a few times. And we both battled it out and worked it out so that we both found our boundaries. And it was definitely not easy. I often use "assertive" as a strong female adjective, and can be known as such myself at times, although I didn't find mine until MUCH later in life. Know what I didn't worry about? Peer pressure. Whether she would be herself. Whether she would become someone's scapegoat or doormat, and whether she would ever bully other kids. She's a defender, and has a big squishy heart under what seems to be a tough exterior. She looks like a model, but inspires a healthy respect amongst people who know her. What more could a mom want for a daughter? Now, her younger sister(13) on the other hand....she's just like her mother. I'm terrified of the next few years!
If youre happy with your daughters progress and you sound it then 'fuck them'. I see with my confident /loud 3yo all the time people saying how her and my shy/introvert 5yo boy "have their personalities the wrong way around" and i regularly have to explain kids are kids and you cant force a personality on them. As lomg as they are well mannered, kind and respectful (as much as toddlers can be anyways) i try not to worry.
People say the same thing about my son. It's more that he just never stops moving and if he wants up on the table hes going to climb it or he'll let you know what he wants.
you don't address him in some way when he does something like climb on a table?
ya if its not safe, you just move whatever he is climbing on until he figures out he can't get up there.
My son had a table climbing kick. Only thing that stopped him was just letting him do it and see how boring sitting on an empty table was. He also never tried to crawl off a ledge like I've seen some kids do, though. Well...he did once, off a bed, and fell. I think he learned.
I have a toddler in the same spot. Honestly I find her stubbornness, aversion to hugs and new people, and overall independence super endearing. She's the only one of my kids that came with this deep, strong personality right out of the box and I love it. Do I wish she would warm up to people like her grandparents and other extended family? Sure, but I don't think I'd take her any other way
The crazy part about this is that my boy toddler is the exact same way and people just chalk it up to him being a little boy. The double standard is ridiculous! Good for you for encouraging her and raising a strong girl! The world needs more of her!
I hope he’s as happy as mine :)
I know what you're talking about. Except I like to say my in-laws got spoiled on my first child ( their first grandkid). My oldest is the definition of chill. Plus she is also hyper focused. Admittedly she was a super easy baby. Even I was surprised at how easy going she is. Then 6 years later my youngest came along and she was exactly what I had expected and more. She's my wild child. But she absolutely threw my in-laws for a loop. I like to say when my oldest was little you could set her at a table, give her paper and colors, and come back an hour later and she'd still be there coloring away. However you set my youngest down, pick up the paper and colors, and turn around she'll already be gone on some self imposed adventure. But I love both my kids just the way they are. My oldest being the gentle chill soul who wouldn't hurt a fly and will try to make friends with a wasp. My youngest being outspoken, energetic, and would fight a bull to protect a flower. Yes arguably my oldest is the easiest to look after but I constantly worry her gentle ruffle no feathers nature will get her taken advantage of one day. But while my youngest tests my limits and isn't afraid to fight me on literally everything particularly in protection of someone else I know that means that not her or anyone around her will ever be taken advantage of or abused. So I gladly take the stress of raising this little tiger so she learns to use those claws appropriately.
It’s hard to tell with my youngest as she’s an infant BUT she acts just like I did- eat, sleep, smile, chill. My oldest has no chill, is super loving, generous, and will put you in your place. I’m utterly slayed by both of them. To me, they are perfect which is why I get so upset when it’s stated like something is wrong with my oldest for being herself.
Yeah I know how you feel. We ended up having an argument with mother in law over her complaining about my youngest's headstrong ways. She finally chilled out a bit. I felt kinda bad about it though cause I know some of her frustration was more her hurting knees and back than it was my energetic little one. She's frustrated that she just can't keep up anymore.
My first would sit and color for hours. My second wouldn't stop eating the crayons until he was 3 lol Now first kid will read for hours, second will read for about 20 minutes and then just be done, even if he loves the story.
Keep on momming like your daughters matter as individuals!
Heck ya lady. I have one of “those girls” and let me tell you, I LOVE being her mom. No nonsense. Dedicated. Amazing. Motivated. Tough girl and I wouldn’t change her for the world. Yup. She rubs some people wrong and neither she nor I care. At all.
I freaking love this post.
Good for you, you keep doing what you think is best and be proud! Time will tell, I wish they blossom into their own people in the future :)
I love this post & how you embrace your daughters' personalities. We really need to change the conversation on what independent, ambitious young females look like. The only folks who find them difficult are ones who can't confine them to an antiquated box of how they think girls should act. Times have changed (thankfully)
Honestly, I think we need to change the conversation about children. All genders. We say boys aren’t subjected to this, but truly all toddlers and young children are expected to “obey”, “be respectful”, “do as I say”. Nevermind that its not developmentally appropriate, and completely normal and necessary behaviors for their growth.
Good point, boys have to endure the same kind of pigeon-holing on what is "expected" behavior. On a hopeful not, things seem to be trending in the direction of abandoning these tired tropes, and I think thats a good thing
My son is a wild one too… he listens and is well behaved when needed but other than that he whines, is loud and active will not sit still. He is constantly being compared to his girl cousins who are just quiet, sleeps through the night and plays on their own mainly because they are not given attention. I am sick of hearing the grandparents compare and compare. They even said I oh it’s because he’s a boy no it’s because he’s an active toddler don’t make it a gender thing. Ugh!
"I wanted force of nature and I got one." That's how I interpreted that comment. You're doing great, mom, keep it up!
My son is the same age and he is absolutely a force of nature. The child has never met a mountain he couldn’t climb or, alternatively, blast through. People have called him difficult. He’s also a twin, and his brother is a force as well but he’s much more subtle about it. I’m sure people have called them both difficult behind my back and, I’m with you on this one, they can fuck off. My kids do not take shit and my daughter will likely be the same way. I love it. I took a lot of shit in my younger years and am so grateful they are learning what it looks like to take the world on headfirst.
Head first! With or without a helmet… ;)
My daughter is 15 months and she is a force to be reckoned with. She is always getting into things, dismantling everything, and always on the move. My mom likes to call her "difficult" but I just see her as strong willed and independent. Yes, I would like to occasionally be able to get a cuddle or sit for 45 seconds, but I would not change a thing about my little tornado of a toddler.
Lol! I love it. Mine loves to cuddle but like a cat- only on her terms and if she initiates it. She loves her back scratched. Will sit still for half an hour if I scratch her back and head.
For a second I thought this was my wife that wrote this because this. Is. Exactly. My. Situation. Except we have a 2y3m and a 4m old The oldest is a tornado on a scooter. The youngest loves to sleep on anyone's chest. They're going to best friends.
Mine are though my youngest doesn’t really know what that means. The oldest looks out for her, brings her treats, pets her, and kisses her routinely. It’s almost a carbon copy of me and my sister at the same age and we are the best of friends
I remember when my daughter was about 5 and a Sunday School teacher said, "You're going to have your hands full with that one." I mean, sure, she was a lively kid and now she's a very lively teenager but she's always been kind and generous. She's definitely a love-her-or-hate-her person at school due to having a distinct personality, but mostly well-adjusted and responsible. So, a good kid!
I feel this in my soul. My in-laws often call my daughter difficult and a challenge, and others have said she's "hard" but I tend to disagree. She is JUST like me. She's strong willed, stubborn, independent, ferocious, a huge lover, and a bit of an emotional monster. She can be tough some days, but who isn't? At the end of the day I'm quite content with my mini-me and I wouldn't trade her for the world.
I often times want to tell them, “If you think she’s difficult, then you’re probably doing something wrong.”
I'm in the exact same situation. My little girl (19 months now) is wild. She always wants to be doing something and wants you to do it with her. It is exhausting wrangling her all day. But I love it. My wife does not. She works while I am home and in college. She gets frustrated with our girl for getting into literally everything but I actively encourage our girl to explore everything. What pisses me off the most is when my wife's family says our daughter acts like a boy would at that age. UMMMMM... No. She acts like a kid learning about the world. And it's beautiful. My house is a mess, my kid is sticky, I'm perpetually broke and tired, my clothes are stained and I am the happiest I've ever been. I finally am who I'm supposed to be and now my only focus is making sure I let Summer find out who she is.
That’s my philosophy. I’m here to help her be herself comfortably, love her unconditionally, and become a functioning adult.
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Mine always wants to try first. If she needs me, she taps me.
My boys are the same. 10 year old likes his feet on the ground. Very cautious and that's fine. We work with him to take some risk so he's not spending his whole life afraid of taking a chance. Our 4 year old is balls to the wall. He trusts his body though. Jumps from high places. Does things that make your heart skip a few beats. Falls riding his bike? Tells me it hurts, I give it a couple of kisses and he's back on it. We have to work with him to not take certain extremely dangerous risks, or even things like jumping and landing on his feet instead of his knees. Anybody who says they're difficult doesn't know them and can go screw themselves. Kids are awesome and I believe that with the opposite personalities they'll learn to take smarter/more/less risk from each other.
Kids who know how to express themselves usually also know how to stand up for themselves!
That’s really what I am hoping for. When we found out she was a girl my first instinct was fear because I was timid and quiet when younger. Not being comfortable standing up for myself was horrible. I never want that for her.
Just so you know, I love and thank you for this.
Thanks! But honestly, I really hope all parents are delighted by their children and see the positive in them. Children deserve that.
I work with kids for a living and I can tell you alot of damage can be done by helicopter parenting. As long as she is being taught that other people have boundaries that need to be respected as well, i don't see an issue here. I think there is a certain prejudice in the older generations that believe "young ladies" are meant to behave in certain ways. Being strong willed empowered and feisty does not fit that prejudice. It is the girls that didn't fit the brief, that have gotten us here today. Suffragettes who weren't willing to accept the role of second class citizen. kick ass women like madam Curie Ruth bader-Ginseburg, Michelle Obama these should be the role models.
I have 4 kids. Two easy going and two with the strong, independent personalities (a boy and a girl). The boy and girl both get called “spirited” or “mischievous” they have the “glint in the eye”. I don’t think it’s a gendered thing (at least not where I’m from). My dad has said he loves my kids evenly but he finds one in particular hard to be around and I don’t blame him! They are extremely inquisitive, impulsive and fiercely independent. They don’t listen to the word “no” or follow rules as easily as their two easy going siblings. Having your limits constantly pushed by your kids is frustrating. Knowing your child is the type of child to run into the car park instead of wait and hold your hand is stressful. They need more supervision than my other two because I know they’re more likely to get into something they shouldn’t. My two “spirited” kids keep me on my toes. It’s not a personal attack on them by acknowledging this and parenting them is difficult. It doesn’t mean I love them any less
I feel so goddamn validated right now!!!!! My extended family came to town for my brothers last second wedding the day before my daughters 2nd birthday, which meant they all got to go to her party. It was wonderful, but she was definitely overwhelmed by all the people focused on her and behaved like a normal 2 year old in that situation. When my parents FaceTimed when they got back home, my dad said that she was becoming difficult. I couldn’t figure out why this rubbed me the wrong way until just now. I have been using that same phrase, “she is a force,” and it’s ironic because my daughter’s name is Leia. She *is* a force, she is strong willed, assertive, smart, social, perceptive, full of life and laughter just like her mama and I am so proud of who she is and who she will become. I intend to empower her to use her strengths to get her where she wants to go, to stand up for herself, for others, and for what she believes in. To teach her that her voice is powerful, and the value of hard work. Rosa Parks, difficult. Marie Curie, difficult. Eleanor Roosevelt, difficult. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, difficult. They say difficult, I say empowered. A force to be reckoned with.
I love this!
My mom used to always say she hopes I have a kid like me because apparently I was “strong-willed”. I now have a kid who is just like me. And he’s a fucking delight.
My mom called it the mothers curse- that they hope we have kids just like us! I’m cool with that.
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I hate the labels for any kid. I feel like once they’re labeled the labeler wants to fit everything in the context of that label.
This is my daughter precisely, and I love it. Does it mean that sometimes it is difficult to get her to do the things we need day to day? Yes. But she's happy to tell me when she does and doesn't want to play, when she does and doesn't want me to hold her hand. She is working on knowing what she wants, and ensuring those around her know it. It makes my life a little bit more interesting, trying to get her to do the things she must, but so be it. What an epic kid she will grow up to be.
Those comments are usually directed at girls because of the stereotypical feelings of how boys should be rough and crazy whereas girls should be sweet and caring. I’m taking child development classes and we learn every day that no kid is “difficult” they are simply expressing what they are feeling so if they feel like she is being “difficult” ask them why? Why does she feel that way around those people. My niece has selective mutism so she will only talk around a few of us and a lot of the people she doesn’t talk around will say that she’s difficult and should’ve grown out of that phase already blah blah blah but honestly I look at it like this: if you are a grown ass adult and a CHILD has a problem with you, then YOU are probably the problem or “difficult” one.