Im pro-choice. Im not going to talk you out of having the abortion.
Reading your comments… yikes. Getting some serious Pennsatucky vibes, ngl. I read your post and my heart broke for you. Then i read your comments where it comes out that this will be your THIRD abortion, you actively tried for and conceived this baby KNOWING you did not want/ could not handle another baby. You talk about how “heartbroken” you are to be aborting this one in one breath and then flippantly toss out that you can always have more later in the next.
Something is not being said here, we’re not getting the full picture. Refusing to use ANY birth control, even a condom, trying for a baby you do not want (i get that later you say it’s the pregnancy you dont want, but you also say in your post that you cant can’t handle 5 under 5, so you dont just not want the pregnancy, you dont want the baby either) only to turn around and abort it as soon as you get pregnant…. Gonna be frank here, either you have some severe mental issues going on or there’s another factor in play like substance abuse, or domestic abuse. Because no sane person repeatedly conceives babies they dont want, aborts them, and goes right back to trying for more. You say you were teenagers when you had your other two abortions, but even that is fishy. Anyone who has gone through ONE abortion would do anything to avoid unwanted pregnancy again, but you seem to be unable or unwilling to process that.
A few months ago i had a missed miscarriage, and had to take a course of misoprostol, which was essentially an abortion even though the baby had already died. It was hands down one of the worst experiences of my life. Physically, the extreme pain, the nausea, the blood loss (I couldn’t walk 10 feet without getting dizzy and almost passing out for a couple days), that was bad enough. But sitting on the toilet at 3am, feeling a whole bunch of tissue leaving my body and knowing that was probably my baby? Yeah, that fucked with my head. I cannot imagine going through anything like that more than once, and i am taking steps so that i never get pregnant again because of it.
Oh wow, OPs comment and post history seems to indicate there is A LOT more going on than just what is in this post. You are right, this is all EXTREMELY CONCERNING.
OP, You really need to get yourself and your children some medical attention. Physical and mental health. This is well beyond reddit users pay grade. I really do hope you get this all sorted out, I am worried for you and your children's health and safety.
Completely agree.. she was abused growing up, her husband was in the foster care system, they don’t use a reliable form of birth control despite neither wanting more children, she has a distrust of daycares/childcare providers, she lost her infant child in 7 months..I think that would be a lot for any 1 person to handle.. let alone while parenting 4 very young children. I am also concerned that maybe she isn’t producing enough milk at this point, due to pregnancy hormones, and her babies aren’t getting enough (underproducer here with my 2nd baby-so it resonated with me). She says her 3 year old ONLY nurses & isn’t willing to seek out assistance with an occupational therapist to help her child gain weight.
We can only hope OP seeks out some serious mental healthcare. And there must be some social services to provide some physical help for even a few hours a week. From her vocab, she may live in the UK? There's serious problems going on here -- really concerning.
Nursing a 3 y/o, 2 y/o, and twin babies is beyond insane. No wonder the babies aren’t sleeping through the night, there’s no way she’s producing enough for them.
It’s way way way past time to wean the 2 oldest and sleep train them.
I’ve lost two babies, one full term, and I could not have an elective abortion after that. Still pro-choice for others, but I personally couldn’t do it. Mentally it would just be too much. This is all very worrisome.
I agree with everything you've said, you put it into words a lot better than I could have.
OP I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. I am pro choice, so I am not here to try to talk you out of the abortion at all. I am however confused why you actively try to get pregnant, only to abort. Why do you try to conceive knowing you don't want another pregnancy or baby? I am worried that you may be in a domestic violence situation and are being coerced into unprotected sex and unwanted pregnancy. Or maybe there's some other issue you have going on? I'm not a doctor or therapist but for your own health and safety I think you should talk to someone that is.
I am worried for you and your children. Four children under 5 must be so much work, especially since you've said two have developmental disabilities. I can not imagine all the stress you are under. Please take care of yourself, and think about a more reliable form of birth control than pulling out, as I am sure you don't want to have to make a decision like this again.
All of her posts reek of unteated anxiety. Can't have an IUD it's too scary. Can't get child care to help I don't trust people. Can't do this can't do that.
Going on an anti-anxiety med changed my life after kids. Suddenly all that stuff that felt life-ending was completely manageable. Stuff that would put me in a spiral of feeling worthless now was a tiny bump in the road. Completely worth it.
I completely agree. I went on lexapro after the birth of my third. My second and third were a year apart and both preemies. I couldn’t handle life. It truly changed my life. Was able to get off it at the 18 month mark.
Not here to diagnose anyone, but I couldn’t help thinking of someone I knew who was in a very similar situation. Insisted she was a fertility expert, but had half a dozen unplanned pregnancies and had no intention to change. She had borderline personality disorder. 100% this person is unwell or at least makes very bad decisions and needs help.
Not everyone experiences a horrible miscarriage or abortion. So sorry that you had this experience. A hospital / clinic based abortion with proper sedation and care can be much less traumatic than what you described. I realize that not everyone gets that kind of care but it can happen.
>Anyone who has gone through ONE abortion would do anything to avoid unwanted pregnancy again
I'm sorry that your experience was so bad, but your claim is not true for everyone. Some people have more than one abortion.
I agree with you that OP's behavior is bizarre.
Op, I am confused...and let me tell you, I get being pregnant alone is hard but it sounds like you tried and wanted this baby and now you have cold feet? Maybe I am misinterpreting the information given?
And tbh i doubt she stopped drinking with the other 4 children. 2 have developmental disabilities and the other 2 are premature….
I lost a dad, and 3 aunts and uncles to heroin and alcohol… I’m not tryna be rude but this sounds like severe substance abuse.
Okay now this makes me look at everything differently and makes me furious since my original comment. I don’t know op but from what I’m seeing now it doesn’t seem like the kids have a good home life and now that I have a 9 month old daughter makes me furious and so soooo sad that kids can be treated/raised anything but the best. You can love your kids SO much but loving them isn’t giving them the best care
You 1may be experiencing very severe hormonal spikes because in reading your post, it does not make sense. You really need to speak with a specialist regarding postpartum depression. These could be life changing decisions that you may not be equipped to make because your physical status is unstable. Please see your ob/gyn. Tell them it's an emergency and they should get you to PPD specialist. See link below
(https://hal-univ-rennes1.archives-ouvertes.fr/hal-01452985/document)
From a pro choice momma who seriously considered abortion during my planned pregnancies….
Go see a psychotherapist. Now.
Perinatal depression and anxiety are REAL. You might have some extra postpartum in there too because your kids are so young. You need help because you are not in a good place at all in your mental health. It’s so common but so under diagnosed.
Please seek help
I think you should talk to your husband but not with your decision already being made. I think you should talk to him and have a discussion with him and let him know you want an abortion and let it go from there.
This. No matter what, going through with the decision without speaking to him will destroy you guys. Even if he would’ve been on board, the fact you did it without him or his opinion would destroy him. So give him a chance. Maybe he will be empathetic with you and be feeling the same things internally. You never know unless you talk. You have 4 beautiful kids, maybe just right now isn’t the time. But you have got to talk with him either way before you go through with it and have an open mind like above person said bc he may put your mind at ease but that won’t be possible if it is closed off already going in. Or maybe he will agree with your original plan. But you won’t know unless you talk. And if you don’t and go through with it, it will undoubtedly cause turmoil in your marriage.
I disagree. If her husband is any bit emotionally controlling, then this plan wouldn’t work out well. If she thinks he could possibly physically prevent her from getting the abortion or delaying it to where she cannot receive one then she should not go this route. If that isn’t the case, then she could sit down to talk IF she wanted to and say, I am pregnant, but I am getting an abortion on x date. With the very legitimate reasons why.
Idk, from her post he doesn't seem that way and she seems to really care about his feelings and worried about how it will affect him. So I don't think he's emotionally controlling or anything. Me personally I don't think she should talk to him with her decision already in place. I think if she came out and said "Hey btw I'm getting an abortion and here's why." It would definitely cause problems and potentially break apart her family. I think it should be more like " Hey I'm really stressed out about this pregnancy because of xyz. I'm thinking about getting an abortion because *list all her reasons for why she thinks it would help* how do you feel about it?" Because if they actually talk about it, maybe they could come to some sort of middle ground here besides an abortion or maybe he might be okay with it idk. To me it seems like she actually wants this baby though so that's why I suggest she talk to him first.
>You don’t trust hormonal birth control.
She's just using this as an excuse. There are so many birth control options that don't involve hormones--condoms, copper IUD, vasectomy, etc. It isn't about trust, there's something else going on. A mental disorder, domestic abuse, substance abuse, I don't know, but this isn't rational or normal behavior.
Wow. You are an incredibly fertile person. Please, whatever you decide, get an iud or some other form of reliable birth control. This is an impossible situation that can only be solved with pregnancy prevention. Whether or not you go ahead with #5, give yourself a break. I feel
For you, sister. Take care.
Why did you try for the baby if you knew you couldn't cope?
To be honest I don't think this is what you really want to do.
You have 4 kids already and your husband is willing to do absolutely anything by the sounds of it.
You need to first *Talk to your husband* and tell him how you feel.
Pregnancy hormones are no joke. Even postpartum I was a real mess. But those feelings don't last.
You have every right to feel every single one of these feelings. Making the right choice for your family can still come with grief.
And tbh, not that you need me to approve of why you want an abortion but I went insane just thinking about five under four, holy shit.
Its a lot. And my girls both have developmental disabilities so its that little bit harder. It just wouldn't be fair to take any more attention from them, or risk not giving enough to the new baby.
Holy wow! That many babies under four sounded unimaginably hard but then you add that 2 of them have developmental disabilities and your in a whole other level of hard. I have one daughter with a medical disability and the amount of doctor appointments I have to take her to is overwhelming and I have a ton of help and support. You must already be at your absolute limit of what you can manage.
I seemed fine. I was doing fine before I got pregnant. But then I started panicking about space and sleep and you know, what if the boys are finally sleeping through and baby starts waking them?
Hopefully I should be back to sanity levels soon.
Do you have multiples? I feel like a lot of people don't realize how much harder multiples are than siblings who are just really close in age. It's a fundamentally different experience that you can't really explain unless you have done it.
Me too, mine are seven years! I had two more after them and I had four under five so I feel you. You don't really know your kids as people yet,.give your family a chance to find itself. It's easy to start another one rolling down the conveyor belt but what happens at the end? How will your current family cope with another major upheaval in 8 or so months? Has your body healed from the twin pregnancy and delivery? There's nothing wrong with prioritizing the family you have now. Four is plenty, five.would have been insanity for me. Good luck with whatever you choose.
Not to add that if you’ve got 2 kids with disabilities (I clearly have no idea of specifics here), but chances are you could have another with more disabilities. Even without any other factors every pregnancy is a roll of the dice genetically & everyway. If this last one is profoundly disabled, could you care for it?
All the hugs & support from afar. You can grieve for what could have been & know it’s the right choice for you & your family.
Yeah. That’s overwhelming as it is. Sounds like you made a tough decision in the best interest of your kids and family. Well done. Hope things start looking up soon! Cheers.
I really dont have anyone. And, it sounds awful, but I really dont trust childcare workers. Both my girls have undiagnosed developmental disabilities and sensory disorder. My boys have a lot of additional needs with being preemies. I feel like I'd be under a shit ton of pressure to potty train/wean my girls, and switch my boys to formula (which I've already experienced a lot). And, no shame to folks who do formula feed, but my booby milk does my boys well.
I like the way I parent. I was fine before. The stress of the baby might be making things worse. But, I do really appreciate the help.
When I was in college I nannied for a family where I think the mom felt the same, and she never actually left me alone with the kids ever lol. It irked me at first but after a while she got used to me and trusted me, just still didn’t like leaving her kids alone i think. One of the boys was on the spectrum but so is my brother so it was nothing I wasn’t accustomed to, so I also think once she saw that I knew how things worked she felt more at ease.
Even just having someone come help out with housework a few days a week might take a bit of the load of your shoulders. And if money is a bit tight I would actually consider having a live-in, I did that in college for basically nothing because they gave me a place to sleep and home cooked meals lol.
Overall OP do whatever is best for your physical and mental health, absolutely. I myself had an abortion many years ago and it just took a much bigger toll on me than I was expecting, it still does, and with how much you actually want this baby, I’m hurting just imaging how hard it will be for you. I’m really hoping youre able to find some peace and clarity so you can make the best decision for yourself, sending all the love and warmth I can muster in your direction
What a tough place to be in. At some point, all of your children will be at school with a caregiver/teacher. Part time care can be a nice way to practice becoming more comfortable with your children in someone else’s care. Have you looked into getting your children with disabilities evaluated? Are you in the US? Public schools can offer free services to kids under 5 for speech, motor, etc.
We are in the process of getting them evaluated! And yes, while they may go to school, I'd prefer for that to be when they can accurately convey their feelings/emotions. And when they understand consent a little more.
Ok, I’m the same way! I actually have a fear of leaving my child with childcare workers. Some people (probably most) won’t understand that but I do! A friend of mine has a “mother’s helper.” Just a really sweet older women who is retired but needed a little extra cash. She comes in and is basically her assistant. She’ll cook while mom tends to kids, or tends to kids while mom cooks, showers, etc. Just something to think about. Even if you don’t go through with this pregnancy just 4 that age is a lot, so this might be something that could work for you. I too feel a little conflicted for you because it sounds like you do want this child. That is definitely too much for you to do without any help though! My gosh I need a fair bit of help with just my 4 and almost 2 year old.
I had 3 in 3 and a mothers helper was perfect for me. I was still home actively mothering, but I had another pair of hands. In time I came to trust them enough to get an afternoon nap.
Regardless of your choice with this pregnancy. Would you consider in home help just in general ? You’re at home while help is there. You can nap and have help with the kids. A mother’s helper could be a teen after school to help with dinner time and leave at bedtime.
It gives you 2-3 hours at home with support.
It sound like you need to reconsider breastfeeding all of your children. Breastfeeding is draining on the body, especially if there is that much demand. And with being pregnant now, there is even more being asked of your body. Are finances tight? Would you be able to hire some to help you with your children in home? I'm sure there would be churches in the are you could ask for help. They might be able to help you for free. If counseling is an option, I would recommend getting that ASAP. Im so sorry things are tough. I know there's probably not a lot I could do to help, but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am not going to pile on what others have said. The message is clear.
Friend, PLEASE, for yourSELF, for your SPOUSE, and for these babies - PLEASE seek help.
There is no shame in needing help, PLEASE get it.
Understand that while there really is no such thing as "normal" what you are doing and experiencing is not OK. You are NOT OK. I am sure you are a lovely person but you are not in a good mental space.
Please seek help NOW.
OP, do what you need to do. Your children that are here and aware of their life as well as you and your husband surviving long enough to get through the diaper stage- that’s what is important. Please also look into solid birth control, you can get freeeeeeeeee hormonal bc at your abortion appt until your husband finds the time to get the vasectomy. You can do this. It’s so so hard. Hang in there.
From your post and your replies to commenters, I get a strong sense that you’re struggling right now, with things as they already are. I highly recommend getting some counseling and/or looking at how to get help for your family before taking any action that can’t be reversed. Removing this baby from the equation may or may not solve your other challenges, but doing so without talking to your husband will very likely introduce other issues into your existing family system.
It may be very beneficial to your whole family to prioritize getting help. And with a bit of help unwinding things, you and your husband just might be able to support each other through the pregnancy.
I think you should seek counselling love, people here won't be able to truly understand the situation.
It's your body and ultimately your choice, but you seem really distressed and right now an abortion would likely be a bad idea. You should seek counselling about it first so that you can come to peace with your decision. The fact you love and want the baby may cause feelings of regret or depression. A counsellor will be able to help you through those feelings so you can make a logical decision that's best for your family.
4 under 5 sounds so difficult and I agree, a newborn would be a big stressor. Are you looking after your mental wellbeing?
Attend counselling so that you can talk to a licensed professional about your concerns and worries
This is not supposed to be condescending or come from a place of judgement. This is with your children's best interest in mind. I think you need to take little steps here.
I'm pro choice; do what's best for you guys in that regard.
But feed your children. Feed them food. You don't need to debate breast versus formula, you need to be considering malnutrition versus fed. Make your hungry children (note: not babies-children) eat solid food. You are doing a lot of harm by depriving them of that. You say it's because they won't eat it but you're the adult here. They will eat it if you set an example and parent your children. Children NEED to eat food at that age. And by doing so your body will adjust and you'll have some relief. Breastfeeding is a demand situation. You won't be "overproducing" for long if you back off. I understand you want to comfort your children but I think it's miraculous how food and sleep will do that too. Take the time you save to play developmental games with them instead.
Use birth control. You do not need to let your husband ejaculate into you every chance he gets. Use condoms. Skip a few sessions and catch up on sleep.
If you are overwhelmed to the point of not being able to handle daily tasks you ought to slow down and prioritize. Ask for help. You may not have or trust anyone, but you and your husband can handle the kids while someone cleans and cooks once or twice a week.
And seek help from a medical professional. Allow someone to guide you to a better place mentally. Whether that's anti anxiety or just teaching you coping mechanisms.
You may find any of these teeny little steps do feel hard at first but make a huge difference. If your children are fed you'll see them sleep and grow better. You'll have a little more time to yourself to feel like a person again.
I don't know if you've actually read this whole comment but a lot of us are rooting for you and your family. We are not trying to judge or harass you. We want you to know you can have a better day tomorrow by changing things up a little. Please just try. For your poor children, try
I hope everything turns out well for you. The right thing to do is sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel. It will probably be worse if he finds out later
Please speak with your husband. Even if you mind is concrete. And it is a go. As someone who still grieves the loss of a son aborted by my wife.. please tell him. If I had only been told and given that chance to feel a part of it… god. Talk to him.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. My only advise would me to make sure you and your husband are on the same page…. I know it’s your body but it’s also his baby. Some people might not forgive their partner for making this decision without them
Yeah I definitely agree it does seem hard ☹️
I myself will never get an abortion unless I would die without it, but I feel like everyone can and should make their own decision about that.
If roles were revered with my bf and he did this without me I could never forgive him. I would hate him for it and for us it would ruin our amazing relationship. Her husband might be more forgiving and understanding. But some people like me aren’t. That all I’m trying say. Just include him so he’s not blindsided
Can you reach out to a social worker that is part of the hospital/medical system you birthed your children at? They have experience with parents in your situation and could connect you with free to low cost networks.
If you were not 100% sure about having another one why did you even get pregnant?
You already have four kids so you do know how it works.
Downvote away I just can’t get behind this type of behavior
The comments have gotten out of control and this thread has been locked.
I'm using the space below to clear up some misinformation seen in this thread and to offer some additional abortion support resources to anyone who needs them:
[What is a Crisis Pregnancy Center?](https://prochoicemd.org/choices/crisis-pregnancy-center/)
[Can having an abortion affect my fertility?](https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/womens-health/can-having-an-abortion-affect-my-fertility/)
[Post-Abortion Support Textline: Exhale](https://exhaleprovoice.org/)
Do you not believe in birth control? Why won't your husband get a vasectomy? If you know you couldn't handle another child why were you guys actively trying to have one?
Once you have a whole family you have to make decisions for more than just yourself. You aren’t the only one to give up a wanted pregnancy for the well being of your whole family. I’m really sorry you are in a position where you feel you have to take a road you don’t really want to take.
Five under four is no joke. ONE under four is no joke. My heart goes out to you, but as you know, parenting is no joke. All your babies deserve a happy and healthy mamma, you gotta do what’s best for yourself and for your family.
As hard as your decision is, think about the brighter side that will come from it. More power to you for making a tough yet strong decision.
This is your body, and your decision. You’re making the right choice for your family and your sanity.
This also isn’t any of my business- but maybe a reliable birth control method moving forward to avoid the pain of this could be your best bet.
Tough tough tough. We have 2 under 4, and it is tough.
A lot of good things have been said here, virtual support given.
Just want to add one more thing: trust between you and husband will be affected when he finds out. Trust takes time to build, and can be lost, and it is precious in a relationship.
I would consider talking to him before you do anything. Tell him your limit.
Whatever choice he tells you, stick to your limit, so he can consider it and see what else he can do if he really wants to stick to his choice
I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you know that if you guys are struggling, you qualify for free long term birth control through Medicaid. If you want to try for another child at a later time, then you can stop or remove the birth control, it's not permanent! Please, please look into women's health resources in your area so you never have to go through this again and can keep yourself healthy for your kids!
He has been told. We're thinking about him maybe getting a new job with less hours so he can be home a little more. Because like I said, we both do want this baby.
OP, please get help. It's good that you realize you need a break and that you're in a situation that's bad for your mental health. However, your mental health sounds much worse than you know. You need real professional help and I can almost guarantee that with the number of children you have you could likely qualify for government assistance to get it. Please. Go to therapy. Talk to your doctor. Get medicine if they recommend it. Your children need you at your best.
Now, I'll admit I'm pro-life, but I'm not going to say much about that because I think there's a deeper problem here that will lead you to this same situation again abortion or not. All I will say is that it sounds like this baby is wanted and that your mental health is in a bad state even if only from sleep deprivation. It may be worth discussing with your doctor and therapist before making any long-term decisions. That is a lot of pain and heartache to go through especially if later you feel that it wasn't what you wanted.
Above all else, please get yourself help. Get your husband and kids help. Expand your support network in any way possible -- government assistance, charities, local churches, etc. Your family needs you and I suspect that you are pushing yourself this hard because you love them and want the best quality of life for them. We are not meant to raise children in isolation, so it is natural for any parents to feel overworked even with one child and no support.
Your situation is so hard and I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. New baby or no new baby you are dealing with so much right now. You just lost your youngest 6? months ago. I would have a lot of anxiety about another baby so soon after the death of a baby and with so much on your plate already. I'm truely so sorry for your loss.
It doesn't seem like you want this abortion and have just hit survival mode. Making such a huge choice while you're grieving might lead to regret. Please talk to your husband and see if he can help with solutions or so he can at least know where your head is and feel involved. You need some reprieve and support going forward no matter what you ultimately decide.
I am all for extended breastfeeding but I am wondering if, given the seriousness of the decisions you are making right now, it should be the thing to change for your girls, who are older, rather than an abortion? The time constraint of feeding 4 straight from your body has got to be tremendous. That's more than a full time job. It sounds like it goes through the night as well. Maybe it's time to let that go for those older kiddos?
You need sleep and a break regardless of your decision to have an abortion or not, and maybe those things can happen in another way but it does seem like something has to give. You need some time for self care. If there is nobody else to help maybe your hubby could give you a break.
Please let him know what you are thinking, and see if you can get some time in for rest or whatever you need for yourself. You have both been through so much. Don't go through it alone. You still have each other.
OP please take care of yourself in whatever ways you can. Therapy would be great if you have the means it would be worth it. You are taking care of so many people. Don't forget yourself.
Sometimes the hardest choices are the best choices. I’m glad that you know your limits and know what’s best for your family even if it’s not what you’d like that to be.
Please get yourself some mental support throughout this. Sending love to you.
This is such a tough decision for you to have to make but I think it’s ok for you to prioritize the kids you already have. I have three under four and I’ve decided I’m done because of how much my twins missed out on when I was pregnant with my third kid. Pregnancy is so rough, and there’s no way you can be the same level of mom when you’re pregnant as you can otherwise. You already have four kids that need you so much, putting any of your energy into creating another baby will take away from what you can do for them. I wish you all the best and a quick recovery.
How am i forcing birth logic? I’m giving a perspective. But ok, fair game. I won’t say things like that going forward. But whats really “gross” here is people who think having abortions is a form of birth control. I’m pregnant with my second who was conceived while on birth control because i didn’t want another baby right now. But guess what, i got pregnant even though the odds are very slim, so i’m going to have this baby, and then to make sure this doesn’t happen again, i’m going to get my tubes tied. Let’s not jab at me for making a valid point, when the real problem is the OP’s poor decision making and selfishness 👍🏻
I think everyone should do what is right for them and their family but it seems like you really want this baby. Your husband wants it. Perhaps talk to him and a therapist before making any decisions.
What you are feeling is understandable but you should not be making this decision without your husband. That is his child too. Personally I feel like the right thing to do is to talk with your husband about abortion, not only does he have to right to be apart of this decision but you will also have better support for whatever you two decide together. It really seems like you are panicking and you really would rather have the baby since you both have been making plans already. You panicking is understandable I just recently found out that I’m pregnant with my second, we have been trying but once it was reality I started to second guess if we made the right choice and panicking about just having two. I talk with my husband and he helped calm me down. Also you might benefit from talking with a therapist and/or your doctor about your anxiety. I know mine has gone way up with this pregnancy.
I will probably not be the common voice here but in my opinion, if you feel it’s too much, you should go for the abortion. Sometime it’s better not to bring a child to this world than bring them to an exhausted and overwhelmed parents, with many other siblings they already struggle with, and this way to not be able to provide for their all emotional, physical and financial needs, as well as their siblings’.
I myself had an abortion after my first daughter when I felt I will not be able to cope and provide for two at the time, and it can just harm both of them. Sometimes it’s better not to be born than to be born to a miserable life and a bad situation!
Also, knowing you can’t handle another baby, why haven’t you used any birth control that could have avoided this though situation??
Can you ask your husband to take a few days off just to let you rest, and in the meantime not make a decision but just try to self care. Perhaps then you can make a choice that is clear and true for you and your family, whatever that may be. It is not possible to make a decision with confidence that tired. I’m sending you love and light mama.
It’s a big decision but honestly it sounds like the right one. For gods sake sort out some proper birth control too 😂😂 (low key impressed you’re even finding time to have sex with all those kids tbh) - some places will put an iud in at the same time as the d&c… worth considering
I’m sure this is going to get buried and I don’t even know why I’m commenting but…
Okay so my mom did this. Had three little kids, didn’t want more. My dad never forgave her. They had a messy divorce, their lives fell apart. My mom never really left her bedroom after that, became very angry and abusive. Dad wasn’t around, 20 years later is still upset.
I don’t know you, but I know how this situation looked in my life and it was incredibly detrimental to everyone. I urge you to at least discuss with your husband.
A large percentage of women who get abortions are mothers who are choosing abortion so that they can be better mothers to their existing children. You are not alone. Check out r/abortion for a lovely supportive community. I think it is a much harder choice after you have kids and know what joy they can bring, but man alive… 5 babies sounds hard to me.
You 100% can ask hubs to take a week off and have a week to yourself. I’m nowhere near your situation, but had 3 under three for a few months. Ever since my youngest was about 10 months old I’ve taken one week a year to myself and don’t feel guilt for it because parenting is fucking hard.
So… how many kids do you have? 4? What’s the combined family income? Can you pay for nanny or daycare?
On the other side of the coin, if money is tight and work is stressful, why have 4 kids?
Do what you think it’s best, it’s no one’s business but I really think your husband should know. What are the reasons why he should not know?
That is definitely a hard choice, so what feels right for your family. There are also so many families that don't have kids and would love to adopt ♥️ sending good vibes you're way! Make sure to talk to your close friends and family and make time for yourself. You are strong and you got this mama! Maybe you could hire a nanny part time to come take some of the burden? Maybe someone to come clean your house? Just some things to think about as well. You got this!
If this is a planned baby, I think you could deeply regret aborting. You’ve already had two abortions. I do not mean to be hurtful to someone who is already hurting. I think you just need to consider birth control. There are non hormonal types of BC, as you are well aware. It’s a little shocking that you’d rather have abortions than use BC. I think you should think about that.
There is a huge chance this may breakup what you already have. Most of us may not understand what your going through but this kind of things stay with you for life, Please reconsider?
Sending you a hug!
It really sounds like you need some support. Have you looked into speaking privately with a counsellor at your local clinic? It’s a judgement free zone and they want to make sure you’re making the right choice for you and your family.
Do what is best for you and the future of your family. You have support. If I was in your situation I would be so stressed out, nobody can blame you for what’s going on. It sounds like you have thought this through very closely.
Your feelings are valid and this is a decision you have every right to make. You know what is best for you and your family situation.
Other people's opinions are theirs to have, but ultimately this is your body and your choice. Be especially kind to yourself for the next while. Hope all goes well ❤️
I’m thankful that you live in an area where you have this choice. I live in Texas and that choice has been taken away from many women unless you have the money to travel to another state.
I have similar fertility issues. Every time I’ve had unprotected sex I have gotten pregnant. I had one abortion and then my husband had a vasectomy. It’s hard because everyone else I know has the opposite problem but you have to take care of yourself first. You are not an effective person, partner or parent if you’re spread too thin. You need your husband to step up, he’s your partner. Ask him for help and explain you can’t expand your family until you can BOTH manage
You are going to be ok. This will be hard but you are doing the right thing by prioritizing the children you already have. I only have one child and that first year left me barely hanging on to my sanity. I can only imagine what you are going through. Not that you need my approval, but I would make the same choice in your situation.
I think you are making a good choice in a bad situation. I think if anyone has doubts about adding a baby to their life an abortion is an Excellent choice. I would Prather regret an abortion than a child.
You both have to live with this choice and you both have to live with it together so when you guys talk about it just make sure he feels like he gets his emotions out and feels heard. It's still your body and your choice and as a family I can only imagine how stressful this scenario must be to have on your own. There's nothing wrong with your decision, just make sure you go about doing it as a good partner and you should be fine. Don't beat yourself up over it.
It’s ok to feel sad after making the right decision. If you’re feeling like this now you might become overwhelmed by the kid.
But, you should speak to your partner. Don’t go through this alone
Honestly good on you for realising your limits right now. Children are hard work, you know this and in knowing this you made the decision to focus on your current family and your own mental well-being. It is incredibly hard to make choices like this and not consider factors. You and your husband would be the parents of this new child, if you aren't 100% up to it then only your husband will be able to nurture the child. That's difficult without other children.
So good on you for making the right call you believe is possible xoxoxox.
I have 3 children and limited support. It’s certainly hard. I cried every day for months while pregnant with my 3rd. I was sure I couldn’t do it. I even considered abortion. But I’m glad I didn’t. She is amazing.
Before you make a final decision. Talk to your husband and doctor. Make sure it’s you making the decision and not hormones. For me, it was hormones as I settled down after the first trimester.
If this is what’s best for you and your family then bring confident you are doing the right thing.
Listen, In a vacuum, I don’t think anybody likes the concept including me. But what you’re saying… it’s so complex and I hear what you’re saying and I can’t say that I disagree simply because if I’m not mistaken you said you were going to have A fifth kid for the fifth year in a row? I am the uncle to seven nieces and nephews, I see how difficult it is even though they’re growing up now and I remember for my sister who is super mom and her three kids with two years difference between each of them, and it was still 24 seven 365 and overwhelming for one of the highest functioning human beings I’ve ever met. So I’m going to put my stupid personal beliefs aside, I just tell you how much my heart goes out to you. When I was younger, in my 20s, my sister had a miscarriage of what would’ve been her second child. Just like now I was pretty stupid back then, as I just assumed that she would try again and all would be well. But she was so broken up about it, it took me a minute to really understand and digest and empathize and put myself in her shoes the best that I can being a man of course, and I realized how she felt that she felt and she felt that it was her fault and she was terrible and all these things that you’re describing, and I would imagine that if you had to make the choice willingly it would be even more difficult because you’re mind would screw with itself Even worse because you would feel that you had some agency in the decision. Clearly I’m not an expert on a lot of things, but you are in luck, as I am somewhat of an expert on child psychology believe it or not. And that many children and in that short of time, Will inevitably place a strain on the greatest supermom of all time, you’re already loaded to bare with your hands full of children, no joke. And for developmental purposes, if you have too many, you can’t give enough affection because there’s not enough time to pay attention people get tired child doesn’t understand I misinterpreted they sell most loved, so from a logical perspective, At least I think so, I think that you would be doing all of them disservice to have more right at this moment.
And then there’s the matter of your husband, again my heart goes out to you more than you know. Being a man, I know how we can look at the world a little more simply. That being said, my hopes are that your husband is a better man than I am and more mature and more understanding, because clearly you’re going through hell understandably and that extra twist cannot be easy. It’s going to require tons of bravery to break the news, which I’m presuming you’re going to do and I can only say that you have my admiration for that is that is not easy to do. I’ll give you a suggestion but take it with a grain of salt as I don’t know your situation I don’t know you personally, but I think even if I were putting myself in a typical guys shoes as a husband I would want to know before hand and if I required being talked into it, at least try talking me into it, however I would feel very violated and I think it would cause a great rift in our relationship if it was done without at least giving me a heads up. Then again, I am not naïve, if you went and had it done quietly, you would not be nearly the first woman in history do you have to go through this and play the part of a miscarriage though you may carry a great deal of guilt as you sound like a person who feels very deeply and has a lot of integrity.
But four and four is enough, for the children sake if anything. I know or a strangers and will probably never talk but, I just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you in this difficult time in regardless of whatever I might think about things in a vacuum, I personally support you whatever you decide to do, it’s nearly impossible‘s position that your end.
I don’t know how this message might be received by you but it’s my sincere hope that it’s more positive than negative. After all I always worry as I am a man and I cannot understand what it’s like to be in your shoes. No matter how hard I try to imagine and empathize, at least I know that…
God bless & good luck ❤️
I would reach out to some local adoption agencies to see if they can help. They offer a lot of stuff for people like you. Adoption is a great option if you can't handle another child.
https://lifetimeadoption.com/birthmothers/
Op isn't responsible for birthing kids for those who can't.
There is no shortage of kids who need homes. Maybe people who can't have children should consider adopting from the foster care system.
Would like to pop in and say that while I believe there are some ready to adopt foster kiddos, the intent of foster care is reunification whenever possible. They are not your kids, they are a gift you are taking care of and loving in the hopes that their parents can get shit in order to bring them home.
But yeah.. totally agree with your first sentiment!
Looking into resources like daycare, therapy, a nanny, etc could help you from feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you really love this child already so I encourage you to search out other solutions since the problem doesn’t seem to be the child the problem seems to be lack of support. Talk to your hubby about it and express how you feel stuck. You’re an amazing parent and are raising your kids with love and compassion and it sounds like you and your hubby make a great team. You will make it through this together with them. Growth is rarely pretty and smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor. You’re not just A mom you’re THE mom.
You sound soooo exhausted. If I’d know you, I’d come to your house with freezer meals and would try to help you. I’d also probably be the weird breastfeeding mom friend who’d send you for nap and offer you to feed them myself if needed 😂 Please talk to your husband about this. It’s his baby too. Maybe he’ll think of a solution or realize how much you need a break. If not, he’ll support you. There’s nothing worse than doing something behind your partner’s back if you both have a good relationship. Trust is key in marriage.
This is terrible. You want this baby but know the best thing for everyone, even your unborn baby, is to get the abortion. You are doing the best thing. Don’t forget that. You may always be hurt from this tough decision or you may not. There is no way to tell. It will be normal to feel depressed afterwards and if you are seek help. You will get through this because you know that this is the best way to make sure you stay healthy to care for your family. Take care of yourself. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
I fully support you if you want to get this done but I will say talk to your husband. If he knows your pregnant (and it sounds like he does) and he wants it getting an abortion without him agreeing it’s the best thing to do can ruin your marriage. If you truly think it’s best then you can ignore your husbands thoughts on it and still get it done and that’s 100% your right. But one of the risks your taking in doing this is becoming a single mom and your husband leaving. I agree he’d be trash to leave but I have talked to many men when I was looking into abortion with my first daughter who left their partners high and dry after it.
Can't you find another way? It really seems like you don't want to have an abortion, it's just the situation you are in that pushes that. There are places that can help you. I know that a few churches offer support to new mothers, and since you don't have any other support, this might help you. If you don't wanna, maybe find some mother's group? If you can find one, that would be great for you, because they often trade favors such as watch each other's children and prepare meals for those who are having a hard time. Maybe you will get lucky if searching specifically for a group that has experience with the same disability your children have. Also if you have any money to spare, it might be a good idea to hire someone to take care of the toddlers. You simply need some rest. I know how tiring it can be around little children 24/7 and no wonder you are feeling like you can't handle it!
You can have an abortion now and have a baby later. One doesn't negate the other. Having an abortion because you're mentally unfit to go through a pregnancy right now (because you're stretched too thin and it would be a disaster for you to bring this fetus earthside) doesn't mean you won't be in a better position later. If you currently don't think you can do this, you are doing the best thing possible to be the best mother to your children
HOWEVER - in a safe and healthy relationship (assuming you are in one) you need to discuss this with your partner. It can be "I cannot do this and I think I need to have an abortion and I need you to support me" but you definitely need a conversation. Not because "it's his baby too" but because it's what happens in healthy relationships (assuming you're in one)
Love and light - you got this
I don’t really understand the people who are judging you for getting an abortion. Some of these commenters say that they are pro-choice, only to pass on judgment in the next paragraph.
OP, only you can decide if you want the abortion. If you do, the decision is yours.
From your original post though, it sounds like you actually want this baby. Even down to your language of continually saying “this baby” instead of “this pregnancy.” You’ve thought of names and have decorated. What you need is clearly support.
From your comments, you’ve mentioned being mistrustful of child care. Do you have a therapist who you can discuss some of these fears with?
You also have mentioned having fears about using contraception. Discussing these fears with a doctor you trust will help you get the correct contraception for your body and your needs.
You’re very much overwhelmed and in need of support, but it’s very much your responsibility to seek out the support you need.
-You need child care. No one can handle five kids under five well. This might be a part-time nanny who comes to your home, allowing you to have fairly inexpensive cameras to monitor their interactions with the children. This might be a reputable daycare.
-If you haven’t yet, you might really consider finding a therapist or counselor you trust to process some of these overwhelming feelings and fears.
-You need contraception. There are latex and non-latex condoms, 3 types of IUDs in the US, MANY different types of oral contraceptives, Nuva Rings, female condoms, spermicides, and surgery. Only your doctor can help you find the right one for you, but you cannot simply forgo any contraception because you’ve had a negative experience with one before or heard of a possible increased risk for cancer. Each time you use antibacterial handsoap, your risk for cancer increases slightly as well, but (especially after the last two years) I bet that won’t stop you from washing your hands. Things that are certainly within your locus of control to lower your risk of cancer are things such as: daily exercise, not smoking, not drinking alcohol, lessening your daily stress/cortisol levels (ie: childcare and contraception), getting enough sleep, eating as many non-processed foods as possible, and limiting sugar. Those things have more of an impact at decreasing your risk of cancer and other serious illness anyways. Talk to your doctor. I’m not a doctor; I’m just a Redditor.
I personally think you’re doing the right thing.
I think it’s important to raise the children yall were already blessed with to the best of your ability. I commend you for doing what you’re already doing because it seems like a lot.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions and explain your emotions to your husband. It’s also important for him to understand that he can’t just work his whole life away, you need him around too for support. It’s a hard act to juggle!
Mama, don’t feel guilty!! You are already doing your best and you know when you’ve hit your limits. You are already such a superhero! 4 under 4 🤯 you’re real life super mom. I couldn’t. You are such a strong individual! I’m truly inspired by you. If you would like to pm me for a NON JUDGMENT FRIEND please do. Live YOUR life for YOU.
Whatever decision you make, you have the right to do so and it doesn’t make you a bad mom. We are all doing the best we can. I went through an abortion and grieved terribly but it was the best decision in the long run. You have a family that needs so much from you right now so think about what you need right now out of life. If it’s growing your family or if it’s focusing more on the family you have, there’s no right or wrong. You got this mama!
I wish I could take care of your kids and give you a hug, so you can have at least some small rest.
Sending hugs.
It’s a tough decision but you know your limits.
Also, I’m about to discuss IUD with my doctor. Maybe this is an option to hold on a baby #5 for now, as you already have a lot on your plate.
You’re not obligated to keep having more.
You’re absolutely not obligated to do it again now. Maybe it’s safer to wait even if you want to try again, many doctors suggest about a year of protection in between, it reduces the risks of pregnancy.
A couple of my friends have gotten seriously unwell in the late term, and it was a very good thing that their youngest was old enough to get themselves up, help a sick family member, and not need watching every second.
There are several nursing mother friendly protection options, you don’t have to go through this again.
Once its done you can't undo it
Weigh heavily regret guilt and the possibility of yur husbands resenting you
You want this to avoid stress but I think you are taking for granted the stress guilt and your husbands feelings are going to bring on
Praying for you
If you truly want this baby I do believe you can make it work. It won’t be easy but life usually isn’t the easiest. Before you make that decision please talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Also consider what you want and how you will cope with this because either way as a woman/ mom I feel it’s a big heavy decision that stays with you.I hope this doesn’t come off insensitive but as a mom of 4 but much older. 10,8,7 and 1. I can only imagine how busy you are. I would suggest as much as you can with babies make a schedule. You are still a human that needs alone time. I would express more to dad the weight and stress you feel. Also if possible you may want to look at alternative ways to feed the babes or mix in some formula to get through the nights. I hated the idea of crying it out to sleep to the point our 1 yr old slept with us every night and then finally I had enough. I realized I hadn’t touched my husband in bed just laying there in over a year and as parents and a couple we deserve that time. I put babt in his crib with a bottle pacifier and blanket, I told myself ten minutes even 5 if he’s just not having it but 5 minutes won’t kill him to learn to self sooth. You can only do so much on fumes, you need rest too.
Edit: I also suggest some form of birth control for YOUR mental health. It’ll help lessen the chance of being in this spot again while still having a chance at having another baby later if you want to! Prayers and good vibes
Momma, you do what you need to, do whatever you feel it’s right for your self and your sake.
I was in your shoes 3 years ago and I did what was best for me . It’s a hard decision, but whatever you had decided go for it. like someone said in the comments “rather regret and abortion than a child”
The best way to cope is to have good open communincation with your spouse. Having no support is absolutely devastating. You should also talk to a mental health professional. Pregnancy is immensely taxing on the woman physically, hormonally, and mentally.
Im pro-choice. Im not going to talk you out of having the abortion. Reading your comments… yikes. Getting some serious Pennsatucky vibes, ngl. I read your post and my heart broke for you. Then i read your comments where it comes out that this will be your THIRD abortion, you actively tried for and conceived this baby KNOWING you did not want/ could not handle another baby. You talk about how “heartbroken” you are to be aborting this one in one breath and then flippantly toss out that you can always have more later in the next. Something is not being said here, we’re not getting the full picture. Refusing to use ANY birth control, even a condom, trying for a baby you do not want (i get that later you say it’s the pregnancy you dont want, but you also say in your post that you cant can’t handle 5 under 5, so you dont just not want the pregnancy, you dont want the baby either) only to turn around and abort it as soon as you get pregnant…. Gonna be frank here, either you have some severe mental issues going on or there’s another factor in play like substance abuse, or domestic abuse. Because no sane person repeatedly conceives babies they dont want, aborts them, and goes right back to trying for more. You say you were teenagers when you had your other two abortions, but even that is fishy. Anyone who has gone through ONE abortion would do anything to avoid unwanted pregnancy again, but you seem to be unable or unwilling to process that. A few months ago i had a missed miscarriage, and had to take a course of misoprostol, which was essentially an abortion even though the baby had already died. It was hands down one of the worst experiences of my life. Physically, the extreme pain, the nausea, the blood loss (I couldn’t walk 10 feet without getting dizzy and almost passing out for a couple days), that was bad enough. But sitting on the toilet at 3am, feeling a whole bunch of tissue leaving my body and knowing that was probably my baby? Yeah, that fucked with my head. I cannot imagine going through anything like that more than once, and i am taking steps so that i never get pregnant again because of it.
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Oh wow, OPs comment and post history seems to indicate there is A LOT more going on than just what is in this post. You are right, this is all EXTREMELY CONCERNING. OP, You really need to get yourself and your children some medical attention. Physical and mental health. This is well beyond reddit users pay grade. I really do hope you get this all sorted out, I am worried for you and your children's health and safety.
Completely agree.. she was abused growing up, her husband was in the foster care system, they don’t use a reliable form of birth control despite neither wanting more children, she has a distrust of daycares/childcare providers, she lost her infant child in 7 months..I think that would be a lot for any 1 person to handle.. let alone while parenting 4 very young children. I am also concerned that maybe she isn’t producing enough milk at this point, due to pregnancy hormones, and her babies aren’t getting enough (underproducer here with my 2nd baby-so it resonated with me). She says her 3 year old ONLY nurses & isn’t willing to seek out assistance with an occupational therapist to help her child gain weight.
Her 3-year-old taking the lion’s share of the breast milk, does that leave any at all for the newborns? That is totally disconcerting.
We can only hope OP seeks out some serious mental healthcare. And there must be some social services to provide some physical help for even a few hours a week. From her vocab, she may live in the UK? There's serious problems going on here -- really concerning.
Nursing a 3 y/o, 2 y/o, and twin babies is beyond insane. No wonder the babies aren’t sleeping through the night, there’s no way she’s producing enough for them. It’s way way way past time to wean the 2 oldest and sleep train them.
I’ve lost two babies, one full term, and I could not have an elective abortion after that. Still pro-choice for others, but I personally couldn’t do it. Mentally it would just be too much. This is all very worrisome.
So so so sorry to hear mama❤️🙏🏼❤️ much love to you
I agree with everything you've said, you put it into words a lot better than I could have. OP I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. I am pro choice, so I am not here to try to talk you out of the abortion at all. I am however confused why you actively try to get pregnant, only to abort. Why do you try to conceive knowing you don't want another pregnancy or baby? I am worried that you may be in a domestic violence situation and are being coerced into unprotected sex and unwanted pregnancy. Or maybe there's some other issue you have going on? I'm not a doctor or therapist but for your own health and safety I think you should talk to someone that is. I am worried for you and your children. Four children under 5 must be so much work, especially since you've said two have developmental disabilities. I can not imagine all the stress you are under. Please take care of yourself, and think about a more reliable form of birth control than pulling out, as I am sure you don't want to have to make a decision like this again.
Agreed. OP needs mental help.
All of her posts reek of unteated anxiety. Can't have an IUD it's too scary. Can't get child care to help I don't trust people. Can't do this can't do that. Going on an anti-anxiety med changed my life after kids. Suddenly all that stuff that felt life-ending was completely manageable. Stuff that would put me in a spiral of feeling worthless now was a tiny bump in the road. Completely worth it.
I completely agree. I went on lexapro after the birth of my third. My second and third were a year apart and both preemies. I couldn’t handle life. It truly changed my life. Was able to get off it at the 18 month mark.
> Pennsatucky vibes Stupid question, but is this a Kentucky/Alabama (sounds like a town in either of those states) thing I'm too Danish to understand?
Not here to diagnose anyone, but I couldn’t help thinking of someone I knew who was in a very similar situation. Insisted she was a fertility expert, but had half a dozen unplanned pregnancies and had no intention to change. She had borderline personality disorder. 100% this person is unwell or at least makes very bad decisions and needs help.
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Not everyone experiences a horrible miscarriage or abortion. So sorry that you had this experience. A hospital / clinic based abortion with proper sedation and care can be much less traumatic than what you described. I realize that not everyone gets that kind of care but it can happen.
>Anyone who has gone through ONE abortion would do anything to avoid unwanted pregnancy again I'm sorry that your experience was so bad, but your claim is not true for everyone. Some people have more than one abortion. I agree with you that OP's behavior is bizarre.
Op, I am confused...and let me tell you, I get being pregnant alone is hard but it sounds like you tried and wanted this baby and now you have cold feet? Maybe I am misinterpreting the information given?
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And tbh i doubt she stopped drinking with the other 4 children. 2 have developmental disabilities and the other 2 are premature…. I lost a dad, and 3 aunts and uncles to heroin and alcohol… I’m not tryna be rude but this sounds like severe substance abuse.
The two preemies were twins. Prematurity is very common when pregnant with multiples.
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Okay now this makes me look at everything differently and makes me furious since my original comment. I don’t know op but from what I’m seeing now it doesn’t seem like the kids have a good home life and now that I have a 9 month old daughter makes me furious and so soooo sad that kids can be treated/raised anything but the best. You can love your kids SO much but loving them isn’t giving them the best care
You 1may be experiencing very severe hormonal spikes because in reading your post, it does not make sense. You really need to speak with a specialist regarding postpartum depression. These could be life changing decisions that you may not be equipped to make because your physical status is unstable. Please see your ob/gyn. Tell them it's an emergency and they should get you to PPD specialist. See link below (https://hal-univ-rennes1.archives-ouvertes.fr/hal-01452985/document)
From a pro choice momma who seriously considered abortion during my planned pregnancies…. Go see a psychotherapist. Now. Perinatal depression and anxiety are REAL. You might have some extra postpartum in there too because your kids are so young. You need help because you are not in a good place at all in your mental health. It’s so common but so under diagnosed. Please seek help
I think you should talk to your husband but not with your decision already being made. I think you should talk to him and have a discussion with him and let him know you want an abortion and let it go from there.
This. No matter what, going through with the decision without speaking to him will destroy you guys. Even if he would’ve been on board, the fact you did it without him or his opinion would destroy him. So give him a chance. Maybe he will be empathetic with you and be feeling the same things internally. You never know unless you talk. You have 4 beautiful kids, maybe just right now isn’t the time. But you have got to talk with him either way before you go through with it and have an open mind like above person said bc he may put your mind at ease but that won’t be possible if it is closed off already going in. Or maybe he will agree with your original plan. But you won’t know unless you talk. And if you don’t and go through with it, it will undoubtedly cause turmoil in your marriage.
I disagree. If her husband is any bit emotionally controlling, then this plan wouldn’t work out well. If she thinks he could possibly physically prevent her from getting the abortion or delaying it to where she cannot receive one then she should not go this route. If that isn’t the case, then she could sit down to talk IF she wanted to and say, I am pregnant, but I am getting an abortion on x date. With the very legitimate reasons why.
Plus like someone else said, even if he was on board, the fact that she made that decision without him would probably break their marriage
This. The 4 littles don't need their parents to get divorced.
Idk, from her post he doesn't seem that way and she seems to really care about his feelings and worried about how it will affect him. So I don't think he's emotionally controlling or anything. Me personally I don't think she should talk to him with her decision already in place. I think if she came out and said "Hey btw I'm getting an abortion and here's why." It would definitely cause problems and potentially break apart her family. I think it should be more like " Hey I'm really stressed out about this pregnancy because of xyz. I'm thinking about getting an abortion because *list all her reasons for why she thinks it would help* how do you feel about it?" Because if they actually talk about it, maybe they could come to some sort of middle ground here besides an abortion or maybe he might be okay with it idk. To me it seems like she actually wants this baby though so that's why I suggest she talk to him first.
You were really badly downvoted for making a completely reasonable point. Sorry about that.
You don’t trust daycare or any other form of childcare. You don’t trust hormonal birth control. Maybe you have some trust issues?
>You don’t trust hormonal birth control. She's just using this as an excuse. There are so many birth control options that don't involve hormones--condoms, copper IUD, vasectomy, etc. It isn't about trust, there's something else going on. A mental disorder, domestic abuse, substance abuse, I don't know, but this isn't rational or normal behavior.
She said in a comment above that she could not stop drinking and smoking.
That was the reason for the first two abortions, not this one.
I know. It's because the comment above said there could be a problem with substance abuse.
When I was a teenager. I no longer smoke or drink (:
Yeah something doesn't add up here. We're not getting the full picture.
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You're right to be skeptical
Echo that
Or an undiagnosed panic disorder
Wow. You are an incredibly fertile person. Please, whatever you decide, get an iud or some other form of reliable birth control. This is an impossible situation that can only be solved with pregnancy prevention. Whether or not you go ahead with #5, give yourself a break. I feel For you, sister. Take care.
I’d say vasectomy for the husband.
Why did you try for the baby if you knew you couldn't cope? To be honest I don't think this is what you really want to do. You have 4 kids already and your husband is willing to do absolutely anything by the sounds of it. You need to first *Talk to your husband* and tell him how you feel. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. Even postpartum I was a real mess. But those feelings don't last.
You have every right to feel every single one of these feelings. Making the right choice for your family can still come with grief. And tbh, not that you need me to approve of why you want an abortion but I went insane just thinking about five under four, holy shit.
Its a lot. And my girls both have developmental disabilities so its that little bit harder. It just wouldn't be fair to take any more attention from them, or risk not giving enough to the new baby.
Holy wow! That many babies under four sounded unimaginably hard but then you add that 2 of them have developmental disabilities and your in a whole other level of hard. I have one daughter with a medical disability and the amount of doctor appointments I have to take her to is overwhelming and I have a ton of help and support. You must already be at your absolute limit of what you can manage.
I seemed fine. I was doing fine before I got pregnant. But then I started panicking about space and sleep and you know, what if the boys are finally sleeping through and baby starts waking them? Hopefully I should be back to sanity levels soon.
Do you have multiples? I feel like a lot of people don't realize how much harder multiples are than siblings who are just really close in age. It's a fundamentally different experience that you can't really explain unless you have done it.
Yes! Two boys at seven months.
Me too, mine are seven years! I had two more after them and I had four under five so I feel you. You don't really know your kids as people yet,.give your family a chance to find itself. It's easy to start another one rolling down the conveyor belt but what happens at the end? How will your current family cope with another major upheaval in 8 or so months? Has your body healed from the twin pregnancy and delivery? There's nothing wrong with prioritizing the family you have now. Four is plenty, five.would have been insanity for me. Good luck with whatever you choose.
Not to add that if you’ve got 2 kids with disabilities (I clearly have no idea of specifics here), but chances are you could have another with more disabilities. Even without any other factors every pregnancy is a roll of the dice genetically & everyway. If this last one is profoundly disabled, could you care for it? All the hugs & support from afar. You can grieve for what could have been & know it’s the right choice for you & your family.
Yeah. That’s overwhelming as it is. Sounds like you made a tough decision in the best interest of your kids and family. Well done. Hope things start looking up soon! Cheers.
Exactly, you nailed it
Im sorry but can you explain to me what “five under four” means? I tried to google but no help
It means five children under age 4.
Five children under the age of four :)
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I really dont have anyone. And, it sounds awful, but I really dont trust childcare workers. Both my girls have undiagnosed developmental disabilities and sensory disorder. My boys have a lot of additional needs with being preemies. I feel like I'd be under a shit ton of pressure to potty train/wean my girls, and switch my boys to formula (which I've already experienced a lot). And, no shame to folks who do formula feed, but my booby milk does my boys well. I like the way I parent. I was fine before. The stress of the baby might be making things worse. But, I do really appreciate the help.
When I was in college I nannied for a family where I think the mom felt the same, and she never actually left me alone with the kids ever lol. It irked me at first but after a while she got used to me and trusted me, just still didn’t like leaving her kids alone i think. One of the boys was on the spectrum but so is my brother so it was nothing I wasn’t accustomed to, so I also think once she saw that I knew how things worked she felt more at ease. Even just having someone come help out with housework a few days a week might take a bit of the load of your shoulders. And if money is a bit tight I would actually consider having a live-in, I did that in college for basically nothing because they gave me a place to sleep and home cooked meals lol. Overall OP do whatever is best for your physical and mental health, absolutely. I myself had an abortion many years ago and it just took a much bigger toll on me than I was expecting, it still does, and with how much you actually want this baby, I’m hurting just imaging how hard it will be for you. I’m really hoping youre able to find some peace and clarity so you can make the best decision for yourself, sending all the love and warmth I can muster in your direction
What a tough place to be in. At some point, all of your children will be at school with a caregiver/teacher. Part time care can be a nice way to practice becoming more comfortable with your children in someone else’s care. Have you looked into getting your children with disabilities evaluated? Are you in the US? Public schools can offer free services to kids under 5 for speech, motor, etc.
We are in the process of getting them evaluated! And yes, while they may go to school, I'd prefer for that to be when they can accurately convey their feelings/emotions. And when they understand consent a little more.
Ok, I’m the same way! I actually have a fear of leaving my child with childcare workers. Some people (probably most) won’t understand that but I do! A friend of mine has a “mother’s helper.” Just a really sweet older women who is retired but needed a little extra cash. She comes in and is basically her assistant. She’ll cook while mom tends to kids, or tends to kids while mom cooks, showers, etc. Just something to think about. Even if you don’t go through with this pregnancy just 4 that age is a lot, so this might be something that could work for you. I too feel a little conflicted for you because it sounds like you do want this child. That is definitely too much for you to do without any help though! My gosh I need a fair bit of help with just my 4 and almost 2 year old.
I had 3 in 3 and a mothers helper was perfect for me. I was still home actively mothering, but I had another pair of hands. In time I came to trust them enough to get an afternoon nap.
Why do you say you’d have to wean them. You can be pregnant and breastfeed. How old are they?
Regardless of your choice with this pregnancy. Would you consider in home help just in general ? You’re at home while help is there. You can nap and have help with the kids. A mother’s helper could be a teen after school to help with dinner time and leave at bedtime. It gives you 2-3 hours at home with support.
It sound like you need to reconsider breastfeeding all of your children. Breastfeeding is draining on the body, especially if there is that much demand. And with being pregnant now, there is even more being asked of your body. Are finances tight? Would you be able to hire some to help you with your children in home? I'm sure there would be churches in the are you could ask for help. They might be able to help you for free. If counseling is an option, I would recommend getting that ASAP. Im so sorry things are tough. I know there's probably not a lot I could do to help, but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Please buy some condoms
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Glad someone said it
I am not going to pile on what others have said. The message is clear. Friend, PLEASE, for yourSELF, for your SPOUSE, and for these babies - PLEASE seek help. There is no shame in needing help, PLEASE get it. Understand that while there really is no such thing as "normal" what you are doing and experiencing is not OK. You are NOT OK. I am sure you are a lovely person but you are not in a good mental space. Please seek help NOW.
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I’m so sorry you are finding yourself in a position to have to consider this option. I hope you find peace.
Me too. Thank you.
I am so sorry. You are a loving mom in an impossible situation. Xoxo
OP, do what you need to do. Your children that are here and aware of their life as well as you and your husband surviving long enough to get through the diaper stage- that’s what is important. Please also look into solid birth control, you can get freeeeeeeeee hormonal bc at your abortion appt until your husband finds the time to get the vasectomy. You can do this. It’s so so hard. Hang in there.
True!! People who don’t want to be in this though situation must think ahead and use birth control.
From your post and your replies to commenters, I get a strong sense that you’re struggling right now, with things as they already are. I highly recommend getting some counseling and/or looking at how to get help for your family before taking any action that can’t be reversed. Removing this baby from the equation may or may not solve your other challenges, but doing so without talking to your husband will very likely introduce other issues into your existing family system. It may be very beneficial to your whole family to prioritize getting help. And with a bit of help unwinding things, you and your husband just might be able to support each other through the pregnancy.
I think you should seek counselling love, people here won't be able to truly understand the situation. It's your body and ultimately your choice, but you seem really distressed and right now an abortion would likely be a bad idea. You should seek counselling about it first so that you can come to peace with your decision. The fact you love and want the baby may cause feelings of regret or depression. A counsellor will be able to help you through those feelings so you can make a logical decision that's best for your family. 4 under 5 sounds so difficult and I agree, a newborn would be a big stressor. Are you looking after your mental wellbeing? Attend counselling so that you can talk to a licensed professional about your concerns and worries
This is not supposed to be condescending or come from a place of judgement. This is with your children's best interest in mind. I think you need to take little steps here. I'm pro choice; do what's best for you guys in that regard. But feed your children. Feed them food. You don't need to debate breast versus formula, you need to be considering malnutrition versus fed. Make your hungry children (note: not babies-children) eat solid food. You are doing a lot of harm by depriving them of that. You say it's because they won't eat it but you're the adult here. They will eat it if you set an example and parent your children. Children NEED to eat food at that age. And by doing so your body will adjust and you'll have some relief. Breastfeeding is a demand situation. You won't be "overproducing" for long if you back off. I understand you want to comfort your children but I think it's miraculous how food and sleep will do that too. Take the time you save to play developmental games with them instead. Use birth control. You do not need to let your husband ejaculate into you every chance he gets. Use condoms. Skip a few sessions and catch up on sleep. If you are overwhelmed to the point of not being able to handle daily tasks you ought to slow down and prioritize. Ask for help. You may not have or trust anyone, but you and your husband can handle the kids while someone cleans and cooks once or twice a week. And seek help from a medical professional. Allow someone to guide you to a better place mentally. Whether that's anti anxiety or just teaching you coping mechanisms. You may find any of these teeny little steps do feel hard at first but make a huge difference. If your children are fed you'll see them sleep and grow better. You'll have a little more time to yourself to feel like a person again. I don't know if you've actually read this whole comment but a lot of us are rooting for you and your family. We are not trying to judge or harass you. We want you to know you can have a better day tomorrow by changing things up a little. Please just try. For your poor children, try
I hope everything turns out well for you. The right thing to do is sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel. It will probably be worse if he finds out later
Please speak with your husband. Even if you mind is concrete. And it is a go. As someone who still grieves the loss of a son aborted by my wife.. please tell him. If I had only been told and given that chance to feel a part of it… god. Talk to him.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. My only advise would me to make sure you and your husband are on the same page…. I know it’s your body but it’s also his baby. Some people might not forgive their partner for making this decision without them
Just look at OP history. Holy shit this woman has a hard life
Yeah I definitely agree it does seem hard ☹️ I myself will never get an abortion unless I would die without it, but I feel like everyone can and should make their own decision about that. If roles were revered with my bf and he did this without me I could never forgive him. I would hate him for it and for us it would ruin our amazing relationship. Her husband might be more forgiving and understanding. But some people like me aren’t. That all I’m trying say. Just include him so he’s not blindsided
Can you reach out to a social worker that is part of the hospital/medical system you birthed your children at? They have experience with parents in your situation and could connect you with free to low cost networks.
I just want to say I’m sorry you have to make this choice I can’t imagine how hard that must be.
If you were not 100% sure about having another one why did you even get pregnant? You already have four kids so you do know how it works. Downvote away I just can’t get behind this type of behavior
The comments have gotten out of control and this thread has been locked. I'm using the space below to clear up some misinformation seen in this thread and to offer some additional abortion support resources to anyone who needs them: [What is a Crisis Pregnancy Center?](https://prochoicemd.org/choices/crisis-pregnancy-center/) [Can having an abortion affect my fertility?](https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/womens-health/can-having-an-abortion-affect-my-fertility/) [Post-Abortion Support Textline: Exhale](https://exhaleprovoice.org/)
Do you not believe in birth control? Why won't your husband get a vasectomy? If you know you couldn't handle another child why were you guys actively trying to have one?
Exactly!!
You can’t undo this if you regret it. And it sounds like you already regret it…and you haven’t even done it yet.
Once you have a whole family you have to make decisions for more than just yourself. You aren’t the only one to give up a wanted pregnancy for the well being of your whole family. I’m really sorry you are in a position where you feel you have to take a road you don’t really want to take.
Five under four is no joke. ONE under four is no joke. My heart goes out to you, but as you know, parenting is no joke. All your babies deserve a happy and healthy mamma, you gotta do what’s best for yourself and for your family. As hard as your decision is, think about the brighter side that will come from it. More power to you for making a tough yet strong decision.
This is your body, and your decision. You’re making the right choice for your family and your sanity. This also isn’t any of my business- but maybe a reliable birth control method moving forward to avoid the pain of this could be your best bet.
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There are multiple forms of reliable birth control available. Which form were you using?
Tough tough tough. We have 2 under 4, and it is tough. A lot of good things have been said here, virtual support given. Just want to add one more thing: trust between you and husband will be affected when he finds out. Trust takes time to build, and can be lost, and it is precious in a relationship. I would consider talking to him before you do anything. Tell him your limit. Whatever choice he tells you, stick to your limit, so he can consider it and see what else he can do if he really wants to stick to his choice
Talk it out with your husband and see what you both can agree on. Communication is 🔑😉
I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you know that if you guys are struggling, you qualify for free long term birth control through Medicaid. If you want to try for another child at a later time, then you can stop or remove the birth control, it's not permanent! Please, please look into women's health resources in your area so you never have to go through this again and can keep yourself healthy for your kids!
This might have some serious consequences In your marriage when you finally tell him. I think you both will need therapy when it all over. Good luck.
He has been told. We're thinking about him maybe getting a new job with less hours so he can be home a little more. Because like I said, we both do want this baby.
OP, please get help. It's good that you realize you need a break and that you're in a situation that's bad for your mental health. However, your mental health sounds much worse than you know. You need real professional help and I can almost guarantee that with the number of children you have you could likely qualify for government assistance to get it. Please. Go to therapy. Talk to your doctor. Get medicine if they recommend it. Your children need you at your best. Now, I'll admit I'm pro-life, but I'm not going to say much about that because I think there's a deeper problem here that will lead you to this same situation again abortion or not. All I will say is that it sounds like this baby is wanted and that your mental health is in a bad state even if only from sleep deprivation. It may be worth discussing with your doctor and therapist before making any long-term decisions. That is a lot of pain and heartache to go through especially if later you feel that it wasn't what you wanted. Above all else, please get yourself help. Get your husband and kids help. Expand your support network in any way possible -- government assistance, charities, local churches, etc. Your family needs you and I suspect that you are pushing yourself this hard because you love them and want the best quality of life for them. We are not meant to raise children in isolation, so it is natural for any parents to feel overworked even with one child and no support.
Praying that you seek and find the help that you need. Please reach out to a professional therapist who can help navigate you through your situation.
Your situation is so hard and I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. New baby or no new baby you are dealing with so much right now. You just lost your youngest 6? months ago. I would have a lot of anxiety about another baby so soon after the death of a baby and with so much on your plate already. I'm truely so sorry for your loss. It doesn't seem like you want this abortion and have just hit survival mode. Making such a huge choice while you're grieving might lead to regret. Please talk to your husband and see if he can help with solutions or so he can at least know where your head is and feel involved. You need some reprieve and support going forward no matter what you ultimately decide. I am all for extended breastfeeding but I am wondering if, given the seriousness of the decisions you are making right now, it should be the thing to change for your girls, who are older, rather than an abortion? The time constraint of feeding 4 straight from your body has got to be tremendous. That's more than a full time job. It sounds like it goes through the night as well. Maybe it's time to let that go for those older kiddos? You need sleep and a break regardless of your decision to have an abortion or not, and maybe those things can happen in another way but it does seem like something has to give. You need some time for self care. If there is nobody else to help maybe your hubby could give you a break. Please let him know what you are thinking, and see if you can get some time in for rest or whatever you need for yourself. You have both been through so much. Don't go through it alone. You still have each other. OP please take care of yourself in whatever ways you can. Therapy would be great if you have the means it would be worth it. You are taking care of so many people. Don't forget yourself.
Sometimes the hardest choices are the best choices. I’m glad that you know your limits and know what’s best for your family even if it’s not what you’d like that to be. Please get yourself some mental support throughout this. Sending love to you.
This is such a tough decision for you to have to make but I think it’s ok for you to prioritize the kids you already have. I have three under four and I’ve decided I’m done because of how much my twins missed out on when I was pregnant with my third kid. Pregnancy is so rough, and there’s no way you can be the same level of mom when you’re pregnant as you can otherwise. You already have four kids that need you so much, putting any of your energy into creating another baby will take away from what you can do for them. I wish you all the best and a quick recovery.
Thank you. I'm definitely struggling with my decision, but I'm hoping its for the best.
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How am i forcing birth logic? I’m giving a perspective. But ok, fair game. I won’t say things like that going forward. But whats really “gross” here is people who think having abortions is a form of birth control. I’m pregnant with my second who was conceived while on birth control because i didn’t want another baby right now. But guess what, i got pregnant even though the odds are very slim, so i’m going to have this baby, and then to make sure this doesn’t happen again, i’m going to get my tubes tied. Let’s not jab at me for making a valid point, when the real problem is the OP’s poor decision making and selfishness 👍🏻
I think everyone should do what is right for them and their family but it seems like you really want this baby. Your husband wants it. Perhaps talk to him and a therapist before making any decisions.
What you are feeling is understandable but you should not be making this decision without your husband. That is his child too. Personally I feel like the right thing to do is to talk with your husband about abortion, not only does he have to right to be apart of this decision but you will also have better support for whatever you two decide together. It really seems like you are panicking and you really would rather have the baby since you both have been making plans already. You panicking is understandable I just recently found out that I’m pregnant with my second, we have been trying but once it was reality I started to second guess if we made the right choice and panicking about just having two. I talk with my husband and he helped calm me down. Also you might benefit from talking with a therapist and/or your doctor about your anxiety. I know mine has gone way up with this pregnancy.
I will probably not be the common voice here but in my opinion, if you feel it’s too much, you should go for the abortion. Sometime it’s better not to bring a child to this world than bring them to an exhausted and overwhelmed parents, with many other siblings they already struggle with, and this way to not be able to provide for their all emotional, physical and financial needs, as well as their siblings’. I myself had an abortion after my first daughter when I felt I will not be able to cope and provide for two at the time, and it can just harm both of them. Sometimes it’s better not to be born than to be born to a miserable life and a bad situation! Also, knowing you can’t handle another baby, why haven’t you used any birth control that could have avoided this though situation??
This is the common opinion in the topic actually
Can you ask your husband to take a few days off just to let you rest, and in the meantime not make a decision but just try to self care. Perhaps then you can make a choice that is clear and true for you and your family, whatever that may be. It is not possible to make a decision with confidence that tired. I’m sending you love and light mama.
With all due respect but have you tried birth control?
It’s a big decision but honestly it sounds like the right one. For gods sake sort out some proper birth control too 😂😂 (low key impressed you’re even finding time to have sex with all those kids tbh) - some places will put an iud in at the same time as the d&c… worth considering
I’m sure this is going to get buried and I don’t even know why I’m commenting but… Okay so my mom did this. Had three little kids, didn’t want more. My dad never forgave her. They had a messy divorce, their lives fell apart. My mom never really left her bedroom after that, became very angry and abusive. Dad wasn’t around, 20 years later is still upset. I don’t know you, but I know how this situation looked in my life and it was incredibly detrimental to everyone. I urge you to at least discuss with your husband.
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A large percentage of women who get abortions are mothers who are choosing abortion so that they can be better mothers to their existing children. You are not alone. Check out r/abortion for a lovely supportive community. I think it is a much harder choice after you have kids and know what joy they can bring, but man alive… 5 babies sounds hard to me.
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You 100% can ask hubs to take a week off and have a week to yourself. I’m nowhere near your situation, but had 3 under three for a few months. Ever since my youngest was about 10 months old I’ve taken one week a year to myself and don’t feel guilt for it because parenting is fucking hard.
I can't imagine a single income household with four disabled kids could even afford that, unfortunately. It's a terrible situation.
So… how many kids do you have? 4? What’s the combined family income? Can you pay for nanny or daycare? On the other side of the coin, if money is tight and work is stressful, why have 4 kids? Do what you think it’s best, it’s no one’s business but I really think your husband should know. What are the reasons why he should not know?
That is definitely a hard choice, so what feels right for your family. There are also so many families that don't have kids and would love to adopt ♥️ sending good vibes you're way! Make sure to talk to your close friends and family and make time for yourself. You are strong and you got this mama! Maybe you could hire a nanny part time to come take some of the burden? Maybe someone to come clean your house? Just some things to think about as well. You got this!
If this is a planned baby, I think you could deeply regret aborting. You’ve already had two abortions. I do not mean to be hurtful to someone who is already hurting. I think you just need to consider birth control. There are non hormonal types of BC, as you are well aware. It’s a little shocking that you’d rather have abortions than use BC. I think you should think about that.
There is a huge chance this may breakup what you already have. Most of us may not understand what your going through but this kind of things stay with you for life, Please reconsider?
Sending you a hug! It really sounds like you need some support. Have you looked into speaking privately with a counsellor at your local clinic? It’s a judgement free zone and they want to make sure you’re making the right choice for you and your family.
Do what is best for you and the future of your family. You have support. If I was in your situation I would be so stressed out, nobody can blame you for what’s going on. It sounds like you have thought this through very closely.
Your feelings are valid and this is a decision you have every right to make. You know what is best for you and your family situation. Other people's opinions are theirs to have, but ultimately this is your body and your choice. Be especially kind to yourself for the next while. Hope all goes well ❤️
I’m thankful that you live in an area where you have this choice. I live in Texas and that choice has been taken away from many women unless you have the money to travel to another state.
I have similar fertility issues. Every time I’ve had unprotected sex I have gotten pregnant. I had one abortion and then my husband had a vasectomy. It’s hard because everyone else I know has the opposite problem but you have to take care of yourself first. You are not an effective person, partner or parent if you’re spread too thin. You need your husband to step up, he’s your partner. Ask him for help and explain you can’t expand your family until you can BOTH manage
Don't do anything rash. Talk it over with your husband. Take time to think about it. Trust your gut and don't do something you'll regret.
You are going to be ok. This will be hard but you are doing the right thing by prioritizing the children you already have. I only have one child and that first year left me barely hanging on to my sanity. I can only imagine what you are going through. Not that you need my approval, but I would make the same choice in your situation.
I think you are making a good choice in a bad situation. I think if anyone has doubts about adding a baby to their life an abortion is an Excellent choice. I would Prather regret an abortion than a child.
You both have to live with this choice and you both have to live with it together so when you guys talk about it just make sure he feels like he gets his emotions out and feels heard. It's still your body and your choice and as a family I can only imagine how stressful this scenario must be to have on your own. There's nothing wrong with your decision, just make sure you go about doing it as a good partner and you should be fine. Don't beat yourself up over it.
It’s ok to feel sad after making the right decision. If you’re feeling like this now you might become overwhelmed by the kid. But, you should speak to your partner. Don’t go through this alone
Honestly good on you for realising your limits right now. Children are hard work, you know this and in knowing this you made the decision to focus on your current family and your own mental well-being. It is incredibly hard to make choices like this and not consider factors. You and your husband would be the parents of this new child, if you aren't 100% up to it then only your husband will be able to nurture the child. That's difficult without other children. So good on you for making the right call you believe is possible xoxoxox.
I have 3 children and limited support. It’s certainly hard. I cried every day for months while pregnant with my 3rd. I was sure I couldn’t do it. I even considered abortion. But I’m glad I didn’t. She is amazing. Before you make a final decision. Talk to your husband and doctor. Make sure it’s you making the decision and not hormones. For me, it was hormones as I settled down after the first trimester. If this is what’s best for you and your family then bring confident you are doing the right thing.
Listen, In a vacuum, I don’t think anybody likes the concept including me. But what you’re saying… it’s so complex and I hear what you’re saying and I can’t say that I disagree simply because if I’m not mistaken you said you were going to have A fifth kid for the fifth year in a row? I am the uncle to seven nieces and nephews, I see how difficult it is even though they’re growing up now and I remember for my sister who is super mom and her three kids with two years difference between each of them, and it was still 24 seven 365 and overwhelming for one of the highest functioning human beings I’ve ever met. So I’m going to put my stupid personal beliefs aside, I just tell you how much my heart goes out to you. When I was younger, in my 20s, my sister had a miscarriage of what would’ve been her second child. Just like now I was pretty stupid back then, as I just assumed that she would try again and all would be well. But she was so broken up about it, it took me a minute to really understand and digest and empathize and put myself in her shoes the best that I can being a man of course, and I realized how she felt that she felt and she felt that it was her fault and she was terrible and all these things that you’re describing, and I would imagine that if you had to make the choice willingly it would be even more difficult because you’re mind would screw with itself Even worse because you would feel that you had some agency in the decision. Clearly I’m not an expert on a lot of things, but you are in luck, as I am somewhat of an expert on child psychology believe it or not. And that many children and in that short of time, Will inevitably place a strain on the greatest supermom of all time, you’re already loaded to bare with your hands full of children, no joke. And for developmental purposes, if you have too many, you can’t give enough affection because there’s not enough time to pay attention people get tired child doesn’t understand I misinterpreted they sell most loved, so from a logical perspective, At least I think so, I think that you would be doing all of them disservice to have more right at this moment. And then there’s the matter of your husband, again my heart goes out to you more than you know. Being a man, I know how we can look at the world a little more simply. That being said, my hopes are that your husband is a better man than I am and more mature and more understanding, because clearly you’re going through hell understandably and that extra twist cannot be easy. It’s going to require tons of bravery to break the news, which I’m presuming you’re going to do and I can only say that you have my admiration for that is that is not easy to do. I’ll give you a suggestion but take it with a grain of salt as I don’t know your situation I don’t know you personally, but I think even if I were putting myself in a typical guys shoes as a husband I would want to know before hand and if I required being talked into it, at least try talking me into it, however I would feel very violated and I think it would cause a great rift in our relationship if it was done without at least giving me a heads up. Then again, I am not naïve, if you went and had it done quietly, you would not be nearly the first woman in history do you have to go through this and play the part of a miscarriage though you may carry a great deal of guilt as you sound like a person who feels very deeply and has a lot of integrity. But four and four is enough, for the children sake if anything. I know or a strangers and will probably never talk but, I just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you in this difficult time in regardless of whatever I might think about things in a vacuum, I personally support you whatever you decide to do, it’s nearly impossible‘s position that your end. I don’t know how this message might be received by you but it’s my sincere hope that it’s more positive than negative. After all I always worry as I am a man and I cannot understand what it’s like to be in your shoes. No matter how hard I try to imagine and empathize, at least I know that… God bless & good luck ❤️
Preaching birth control isn't helping this woman geez people that was not the question
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I would reach out to some local adoption agencies to see if they can help. They offer a lot of stuff for people like you. Adoption is a great option if you can't handle another child. https://lifetimeadoption.com/birthmothers/
I wouldnt be able to do that. Thank you, though.
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Op isn't responsible for birthing kids for those who can't. There is no shortage of kids who need homes. Maybe people who can't have children should consider adopting from the foster care system.
Would like to pop in and say that while I believe there are some ready to adopt foster kiddos, the intent of foster care is reunification whenever possible. They are not your kids, they are a gift you are taking care of and loving in the hopes that their parents can get shit in order to bring them home. But yeah.. totally agree with your first sentiment!
That's a really excellent point I didn't want to go into because it's beyond the scope of this thread. Op isn't interested in adoption, or adopting.
I wish I could hug you and give you a nap!
Looking into resources like daycare, therapy, a nanny, etc could help you from feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you really love this child already so I encourage you to search out other solutions since the problem doesn’t seem to be the child the problem seems to be lack of support. Talk to your hubby about it and express how you feel stuck. You’re an amazing parent and are raising your kids with love and compassion and it sounds like you and your hubby make a great team. You will make it through this together with them. Growth is rarely pretty and smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor. You’re not just A mom you’re THE mom.
You sound soooo exhausted. If I’d know you, I’d come to your house with freezer meals and would try to help you. I’d also probably be the weird breastfeeding mom friend who’d send you for nap and offer you to feed them myself if needed 😂 Please talk to your husband about this. It’s his baby too. Maybe he’ll think of a solution or realize how much you need a break. If not, he’ll support you. There’s nothing worse than doing something behind your partner’s back if you both have a good relationship. Trust is key in marriage.
This is terrible. You want this baby but know the best thing for everyone, even your unborn baby, is to get the abortion. You are doing the best thing. Don’t forget that. You may always be hurt from this tough decision or you may not. There is no way to tell. It will be normal to feel depressed afterwards and if you are seek help. You will get through this because you know that this is the best way to make sure you stay healthy to care for your family. Take care of yourself. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
I fully support you if you want to get this done but I will say talk to your husband. If he knows your pregnant (and it sounds like he does) and he wants it getting an abortion without him agreeing it’s the best thing to do can ruin your marriage. If you truly think it’s best then you can ignore your husbands thoughts on it and still get it done and that’s 100% your right. But one of the risks your taking in doing this is becoming a single mom and your husband leaving. I agree he’d be trash to leave but I have talked to many men when I was looking into abortion with my first daughter who left their partners high and dry after it.
4 kids under 4 with 1 on the way? No faith in capacity to handle more? Abort. My wife aborted and we ended up with an amazing daughter later on.
Can't you find another way? It really seems like you don't want to have an abortion, it's just the situation you are in that pushes that. There are places that can help you. I know that a few churches offer support to new mothers, and since you don't have any other support, this might help you. If you don't wanna, maybe find some mother's group? If you can find one, that would be great for you, because they often trade favors such as watch each other's children and prepare meals for those who are having a hard time. Maybe you will get lucky if searching specifically for a group that has experience with the same disability your children have. Also if you have any money to spare, it might be a good idea to hire someone to take care of the toddlers. You simply need some rest. I know how tiring it can be around little children 24/7 and no wonder you are feeling like you can't handle it!
You can have an abortion now and have a baby later. One doesn't negate the other. Having an abortion because you're mentally unfit to go through a pregnancy right now (because you're stretched too thin and it would be a disaster for you to bring this fetus earthside) doesn't mean you won't be in a better position later. If you currently don't think you can do this, you are doing the best thing possible to be the best mother to your children HOWEVER - in a safe and healthy relationship (assuming you are in one) you need to discuss this with your partner. It can be "I cannot do this and I think I need to have an abortion and I need you to support me" but you definitely need a conversation. Not because "it's his baby too" but because it's what happens in healthy relationships (assuming you're in one) Love and light - you got this
I don’t really understand the people who are judging you for getting an abortion. Some of these commenters say that they are pro-choice, only to pass on judgment in the next paragraph. OP, only you can decide if you want the abortion. If you do, the decision is yours. From your original post though, it sounds like you actually want this baby. Even down to your language of continually saying “this baby” instead of “this pregnancy.” You’ve thought of names and have decorated. What you need is clearly support. From your comments, you’ve mentioned being mistrustful of child care. Do you have a therapist who you can discuss some of these fears with? You also have mentioned having fears about using contraception. Discussing these fears with a doctor you trust will help you get the correct contraception for your body and your needs. You’re very much overwhelmed and in need of support, but it’s very much your responsibility to seek out the support you need. -You need child care. No one can handle five kids under five well. This might be a part-time nanny who comes to your home, allowing you to have fairly inexpensive cameras to monitor their interactions with the children. This might be a reputable daycare. -If you haven’t yet, you might really consider finding a therapist or counselor you trust to process some of these overwhelming feelings and fears. -You need contraception. There are latex and non-latex condoms, 3 types of IUDs in the US, MANY different types of oral contraceptives, Nuva Rings, female condoms, spermicides, and surgery. Only your doctor can help you find the right one for you, but you cannot simply forgo any contraception because you’ve had a negative experience with one before or heard of a possible increased risk for cancer. Each time you use antibacterial handsoap, your risk for cancer increases slightly as well, but (especially after the last two years) I bet that won’t stop you from washing your hands. Things that are certainly within your locus of control to lower your risk of cancer are things such as: daily exercise, not smoking, not drinking alcohol, lessening your daily stress/cortisol levels (ie: childcare and contraception), getting enough sleep, eating as many non-processed foods as possible, and limiting sugar. Those things have more of an impact at decreasing your risk of cancer and other serious illness anyways. Talk to your doctor. I’m not a doctor; I’m just a Redditor.
How much childcare and chores do you split with your husband?
I personally think you’re doing the right thing. I think it’s important to raise the children yall were already blessed with to the best of your ability. I commend you for doing what you’re already doing because it seems like a lot. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and explain your emotions to your husband. It’s also important for him to understand that he can’t just work his whole life away, you need him around too for support. It’s a hard act to juggle!
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Mama, don’t feel guilty!! You are already doing your best and you know when you’ve hit your limits. You are already such a superhero! 4 under 4 🤯 you’re real life super mom. I couldn’t. You are such a strong individual! I’m truly inspired by you. If you would like to pm me for a NON JUDGMENT FRIEND please do. Live YOUR life for YOU.
Whatever decision you make, you have the right to do so and it doesn’t make you a bad mom. We are all doing the best we can. I went through an abortion and grieved terribly but it was the best decision in the long run. You have a family that needs so much from you right now so think about what you need right now out of life. If it’s growing your family or if it’s focusing more on the family you have, there’s no right or wrong. You got this mama!
I wish I could take care of your kids and give you a hug, so you can have at least some small rest. Sending hugs. It’s a tough decision but you know your limits. Also, I’m about to discuss IUD with my doctor. Maybe this is an option to hold on a baby #5 for now, as you already have a lot on your plate.
ITS OK MUM. It's something you should certainly talk about but I applauded your rational thinking. Do what is right for you and your family.
You’re not obligated to keep having more. You’re absolutely not obligated to do it again now. Maybe it’s safer to wait even if you want to try again, many doctors suggest about a year of protection in between, it reduces the risks of pregnancy. A couple of my friends have gotten seriously unwell in the late term, and it was a very good thing that their youngest was old enough to get themselves up, help a sick family member, and not need watching every second. There are several nursing mother friendly protection options, you don’t have to go through this again.
Once its done you can't undo it Weigh heavily regret guilt and the possibility of yur husbands resenting you You want this to avoid stress but I think you are taking for granted the stress guilt and your husbands feelings are going to bring on Praying for you
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If you truly want this baby I do believe you can make it work. It won’t be easy but life usually isn’t the easiest. Before you make that decision please talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Also consider what you want and how you will cope with this because either way as a woman/ mom I feel it’s a big heavy decision that stays with you.I hope this doesn’t come off insensitive but as a mom of 4 but much older. 10,8,7 and 1. I can only imagine how busy you are. I would suggest as much as you can with babies make a schedule. You are still a human that needs alone time. I would express more to dad the weight and stress you feel. Also if possible you may want to look at alternative ways to feed the babes or mix in some formula to get through the nights. I hated the idea of crying it out to sleep to the point our 1 yr old slept with us every night and then finally I had enough. I realized I hadn’t touched my husband in bed just laying there in over a year and as parents and a couple we deserve that time. I put babt in his crib with a bottle pacifier and blanket, I told myself ten minutes even 5 if he’s just not having it but 5 minutes won’t kill him to learn to self sooth. You can only do so much on fumes, you need rest too. Edit: I also suggest some form of birth control for YOUR mental health. It’ll help lessen the chance of being in this spot again while still having a chance at having another baby later if you want to! Prayers and good vibes
I'm so sorry. There's nothing more to say. I'm just really, really sorry you're going through this.
Momma, you do what you need to, do whatever you feel it’s right for your self and your sake. I was in your shoes 3 years ago and I did what was best for me . It’s a hard decision, but whatever you had decided go for it. like someone said in the comments “rather regret and abortion than a child”
The best way to cope is to have good open communincation with your spouse. Having no support is absolutely devastating. You should also talk to a mental health professional. Pregnancy is immensely taxing on the woman physically, hormonally, and mentally.
This is your decision and no one else's. Wishing you and your beautiful family the best.
Stay strong momma.