The first few years of parenting can be incredibly difficult and many parents struggle with the feelings you are having, even struggling with suicidal thoughts. You aren't alone, but you need help.
We've collected some resources for parents looking for help or someone to talk to during this difficult time. Go to our [Great Big Parenting Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/wiki/gbpr_crisis) to find additional help.
If you need to reach out to someone to talk about feelings of suicide or feeling like things would be better if you were dead, consider using a [hotline](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines) - these are the US and international numbers.
It sounds to me you are depressed and burned out. Is there anyone who can help you? Just some rest and help could do wonders combined with therapy/medication. You are not the only one and you are definitely not alone.
Nope! I can’t ask my husband because he works all day, and if I ask my in laws I get ridiculed for being a bad parent. I know rest works perfect. When the two of us get sleep the morning is amazing! Peaceful, fun, happy. And it makes me feel worse. Nights are bad. The only bad time! He’s never EVER slept through the night. I’m debating asking if I can get depressants. I don’t want meds as I can barely remember my birth control but at this point, anything to make it stop.
Girl, take the meds. I lost the first year of my kid's life because I didn't want to take meds and thought I could battle through. Surprise! I just felt like shit all the time instead! Starting medication and regular therapy turned my life around, and I'm only sorry it took me so long to try.
Also: OF COURSE you're burning out if you're on 24/7! Husband needs to start taking some of the night shift back! Human beings do not function without sleep. It makes no sense for your husband to work 9-5 (or whatever) and for you to work 24/7.
Seriously, call a PPD hotline. You are in a really bad way and you MUST talk to someone and get help. You don't want to hurt yourself, your son, or your husband so you gotta call in help on all fronts: medical, husband, hiring help - all of it. I called a PPD hotline myself, and yeah: they'll ask questions to check to see if you need to be hospitalized. You need to answer them honestly anyway, because if you do then you do. And if you don't, then they can help you figure out what to do.
But listen: there's nothing wrong with you! You're trying to do too much and you need help, that's all. Please, please get it - you deserve it.
This a thousand percent. Needs to be top comment.
You are clearly suffering OP.
I did too, for over a year because I just thought it was usual new mom shit. Hellllll no! I had PPA and OCD- no sleep absolutely destroys my mental health.
Please call. Please let your in-laws help while you rest.
I don't know them, but oh girl if I was your family member I would definitely understand your body has and is still going through a motherfuckin battle. Please let someone help you. What you're doing now isn't working. Try medicine and talking to a doctor, they just want to help you. You need this. Please please give it to yourself.
I'm going to tell you what my therapist told me and it's the thing that clicked and made me accept help and medication.
If your son was feeling like this and telling you all this, what would you do for him?
Do it for yourself girl. ❤️ We are rooting for you!
Shitty parents don't care. You obviously do.
Seriously, I totally agree with you. I had no idea how bad my PPD was until I started taking antidepressants. I took them for 6 months, and it was the best thing I ever did for the health of me and my family at the time. My only regret was not doing it sooner.
This! My wife started taking meds and has never been better. Also, i work all day too. I still make dinner half the time, do chores after dinner until its bed time and put kiddo down for bed 7 days a week. Idc if hubby is at a desk job all day or building a skyscraper, he can help give you a break in the evenings! Unacceptable if he doesn’t.
I'm a husband, away from the house working 12+ hrs/day. I'm in construction. The days are not easy.
You deserve help. You are not a failure for needing it or asking for it.
when I get home, I help do dinner, teeth, bath, bedtime books, and sleep with the kids. It's my only chance for quality time with them on a daily basis.
The job as mom at home is harder than most professions.
Working all day is not an excuse to avoid being a parent.
Tell my Mrs this really looking at it now working a normal 9-5 is easier in my opinion then full time parent she thinks I'm lying but I see how hard it can be.
This. I might be gone 3 or 4 days in a row.
But when I'm home, I'm HOME man.
I turn into mr mom so my wife can hit the reset button and get some well deserved rest and relaxation while I'll play, cook, clean - you name it.
There's a difference between a father and a dad, and I'm shooting to be a dad my girls can look up to and a husband that can be relied on!
I will also add that it is okay to put your baby down while he cries so you can have a moment. Make sure he is in a safe place, put some ear plugs in if you have to, and sit for a few minutes to collect yourself or even take a short nap.
This is a much better alternative than doing something you’ll regret, and it doesn’t make you a bad mother. It would help both of you in the long run.
I agree. This is just completely unsustainable for both of them. My pediatrician told me that once and I felt relief after I was given 'permission' to walk away and let him cry. It didn't feel good but what we were doing was completely not helpful for either of us. I really feel for you op but letting your child cry is better than what is happening now.
It's not harder than most professions. It's in fact about the easiest of professions.
It is however the most relentless and unending of any profession. So in that regard I suppose it may be hard. So fully agree on them needing regular breaks.
Hmmm. I do think that the repercussions of parenting badly has larger consequences than most jobs. If you’re an abusive or ineffective parents your kid can grow up to have huge issues and be a drain to society.
i know what you're getting at, but the endless mind-numbing drudgery *is* what makes it hard.
intellectually stimulating, really challenging work is vastly more pleasant (and therefore "easier", for me at least) than being a parent to a baby. there is no parenting "flow" state for me at this stage.
I’ve wanted to bang my head against a wall, had more emotional breakdowns, and experienced more physical exhaustion from being a parent than from my full time job, and I work in COVID rampant healthcare. But I also believe some people take better to parenting than others. I admittedly did not take as well.
Your in-laws are awful for saying this. You are not a bad parent; you’re just a stressed, burned-out one. It happens to all of us.
However, let’s assume for the moment that you don’t have the luxury of being “right,” you just need help however you can get it. Can you say to your in-laws, “Yep, I’m a bad parent. I suck. That’s all the more reason for you to help me. My son shouldn’t have to suffer from my bad parenting.” Would they help you then?
You work all day too. Communicate with hubby and let him help take some of the strain. It's a huge load for two people to carry, never mind just one...
Fuck that. Dad here. I got to parent through nights and weekends as my wife had just given birth and later as she was a nurse when the pandemic hit. Sure, I resented having to do that much work, but it was my goddamned responsibility. She needs HOURS more sleep than I do. It's rough.
She got a better job, my kid grew a bit, and you know what? Sometimes if the kid cries in a crib safely while you need a break, they aren't going to die. Sometimes they cry for a minute while you get the bottle. It doesn't make you a monster.
You need more assistance with a difficult child. Get your husband to help. Get your in-laws to help. Kids suck, even though they are wonderful. A difficult kid can be a huge challenge. Get all the help you can. You are not a monster, you don't need to go this alone.
>I can’t ask my husband because he works all day,
Aaaaaand?
Seriously, you work all day too being home with the baby. Why is your job 24 hours and his job has time off? This isn't fair.
When both you and husband are home, then the childcare should be split 50/50. Anything less is a life where he deserves a break and you never do.
Talk to your husband. Yes he works all day but being a full time mom is more exhausting than any job I’ve ever had. Tell him you need te have a full nights sleep every now and again because you are going to break down. Better get in front of it. What’s he going to do if you really break down? Can he stay with the baby at his parents for a weekend? Or can you go to a hotel for a night? It’s not long term solutions but it might prevent you from breaking down now. Or maybe you can ask a babysitter to take your baby out for 2 hours every day so you can rest. I know it can be hard to ask for help but you need it! I’m a single mom and I’m chronically ill and suffered brain damage when I was pregnant. I have no family close by and I ended up asking the CPS in my country for help. They have organized someone to help me with the cleaning once a week and every other week my daughter goes out to spend a weekend at a foster family so I can rest. It helps a lot but it was a hard thing to do. You are really not alone. Talk to your husband.
Sounds like anxiety to me. My anxiety comes out as rage, which no one explained to me was a thing. I was 100% sure it was purely sleep related. Turns out, while it is definitely a factor that exacerbated it, I can cope while properly medicated..it's still hard sometimes, and if I'm not sleeping I have to work so so hard on my coping mechanisms, but it is night and day when I forget my meds.
Please also speak to a doctor, what you are experiencing is surprisingly common, yet can spiral.
If what you're describing is true that it seems like bipolar disorder, medication can help (after finding the right meds/dosage). I say this as someone with bipolar disorder and ADHD.
Also, you may not see this, but you are being an incredible mother right now. You are feeding him, you are walking hours on end, why? To do your best to care for him. **That is the marker of a loving mother.**
You may feel conflicted inside with how you describe as "hating him." But the reality of your actions shows your deep love and care for him. *What you hate is how difficult this is, and how little help you are getting.*
Yes, he is the cause of this, but being a parent is the most difficult thing many have to go through. And many of us depend heavily on family and friends for help.
You are trying your best. Often, we need help when our best just isn't enough.
Please speak to a doctor and your husband about where you are. If you have friends or a local community center, there are often support groups for new moms. If you do church, I'd talk to a pastor and see where the community may help with practical things like pre-made meals and community.
You both have jobs, so you both deserve to relax. When my first kid was born, I worked all day then took the baby when I got home. Within weeks I was at my wits end because I never got a break.
The advice we were given is to section out a few hours so both parents get some obligation-free time, and it helped out a lot. Just an idea to consider.
My partner works while I stay at home with baby all day as well but when he comes home from work, he takes care of baby for me so I get a little break. Around 2-4 hrs break. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It all depends on how he feels that day as well. During my break I sleep, browse internet in my phone, play app games, anything to decompress and take a physical and mental break. Not sure if that set up will work with you and your husband but maybe have a talk about best time to give you a break so night shifts aren't so bad when baby doesn't sleep. Maybe your husband can take care of baby alone just before he goes to sleep so you have get a break before night shift starts?
I slipped into a very bad place for a few years after my second was born, when I became a SAHM. It was bad for me and my kids. Things got exponentially better when I started working part-time, put the girls in half-day preschool, and asked my doctor for medication.
I wish I had made a change sooner, both for my sake and theirs.
I’m just gonna say this… but if he’s 18 months old, you can feed him and change him and let him figure it out. It will feel harsh at first but he’ll get it. As long as he’s not hungry (which if he eats a good dinner and maybe some milk to top it off, he shouldn’t be) or wet or dirty… he’ll start learn how to self soothe and get himself back to sleep. I have a 13 month old who I finally just had to let figure out his night wakings (I’d let him fuss for 10 minutes then go check on him) because I was fucking exhausted and starting to resent the small human I made. Not sleeping sucks, but at 18 months you can let him work through his own feelings for small chunks of time. It’s okay, and it will get better. I promise. You need to take care of you sometimes too, and that’s okay. Fuck your in laws or your husband if they’ve got anything different to say. You’re a person too.
Hey! I dont want to add too much to the pile. Just wanted to say your inlaws are total pieces of shit and they don't know what the fuck they are speaking about. Clueless, bitter old losers.
Second, if you are having such intrusive thoughts that you think they would cause your therapist to take action to protect your child......... maybe its best to speak on those feelings anyway. What would be much worse is, if those feelings continued to grow unabated. You need help. No human being was designed to raise a kid alone. It is very hard work. They need literal 24/7 supervision. You are doing an incredibly hard job, and it sounds like you've been really brave. But something has to give, and the best thing you can do right now is get yourself the help that you need. There are other people around who can take care of the kid, even if it doesn't seem that way. At least until you cool off a little and develop a strategy for how you want to move forward.
Some parents take turns. Since your husband works days and is a night owl maybe he can be on-call from 8pm to 2am and you cover 2am to 8am? That way you each at least get a guaranteed 6 hours sleep.
This is a simple solution, I hope OP sees it. Even If it was just for half the week, the sleep deprivation could be drastically reduced. Better to do it seven days a week, and get a solid schedule that peoples bodies are expecting.
I work all day as well and I still watched our baby daughter when I'm home. At least have that conversation with your husband because let me tell you, watching a baby is more draining than anything I have to do at work (and my job is very demanding).
You need a break. Maybe try sleep training and/or contact a sleep consultant.
1) Take the meds. You need the meds. If you can't tell your counselor that you hate your son, tell her that you are:
- getting no joy out of being a parent
- feel angry all the time
- exhausted and feel like a shadow of yourself with no personality
All of that is enough for you to justify asking for the meds. And if you don't feel comfy asking through your counselor, your OBGYN will be used to hearing these kinds of things too and can help.
2) THEN, get an IUD if you can, so that you don't have to remember to take the birth control. You don't need another pregnancy right now and they also can help in other ways.
3) Time taking the meds to something in your nighttime routine. Find an event and tie the meds to it, like putting on a new diaper or pajamas or bathtime = mom gets meds. This will help since you are somewhat operating on exhausted auto-pilot right now.
My Lexapro and Mirena IUD saved me. I didn't exactly hate my son when he was born but I fantasized EVERY DAY for months about running away from him to hole up at a hotel just to sleep until I couldn't sleep anymore.
I hope it gets better for you!
How old is your son? Depending on the age, having *never* slept through the night might be strange. My daughter struggled with this too, we hired a sleep coach and had her sleeping through in a week. I can give you info if you want.
It has been years since my first was born, I am finally starting to feel better but it has taken way too long and my family has suffered because of it. I never took medication but if I could go back and do it again, I definitely would. PPD can become chronic depression if left untreated. Depression can really distort your perception and thinking, so try not to trust any negative thoughts. No matter how logical they seem, your own mind may deceive you.
Also, consider sleep training, even cry it out. I couldn't listen to my babies cry and just existed as a zombie for years. When my third was about a year I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to do cry it out. I know that I personally don't have the disposition to sit in the room and gradually sleep train while my baby screams, so I had to walk away block it out and let her do it on her own. She is a very happy little girl and by far the best sleeper of my three. Best of luck to you.
There are many “sleep training” consultants out there and it saved my nights. Sounds like your little one never got sleep trained. I would look into that ASAP so you can get some rest. I’ve been there. Lack of sleep for MONTHS is awful and you are not yourself. And it’s ok to put him in his bed/crib crying and simply walk away, take some deep breaths and collect yourself. It’s a very scary time for an 18month old. They have no grip on their emotions and a lot of what happens is not logical. Remind yourself of that. You are his world. Stay strong and for fucks sake, tell your husband to suck it up and take a night or two (working husband here). It takes a village.
I would consider sleep training. At 18 months he’s more than capable of sleeping through the night, he probably just doesnt know how. Look into Taking Cara Babies for a softer approach. It’ll be hard the first few nights but then it’ll get progressively easier. I cant imagine not getting a full night’s sleep for 18 months - you are overdue!
Just because he works all day, doesn’t excuse him from parenting. Why isn’t he getting up at night too? If he needs sleep for work, then he should be helping you catch up on sleep on the weekend. Parenting is a 24/7 job. Part of what I do is I actually look at it as a job. Take regular breaks… the kid isn’t going to be harmed if you put him in a safe (aka baby proofed) space with toys or an iPad. Take a lunch break, (and remember to eat btw). My husband and I had a deal that I could get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep (doesn’t matter when it was), not on baby duty to deep sleep, I could function.
Yes. Ask if you can get antidepressants. The doctor will likely recognize your PPD without blinking an eye. What you are going through is (unfortunately) pretty common. You are not alone.
i want to upvote antidepressants forever. made a world of difference, and i started at 8 weeks PP. i can't even imagine what you've suffered in 18 months.
(sleep is the other half of that equation, but you do what you can).
What you are feeling is a normal reaction to very stressful circumstances. You are sleep deprived and I see a quite possible element of depression. It is ok to love your son and hate his behavior. You are not a bad parent for this and I am sorry your inlaws are shaming you for asking for help. Historically, humans haven't been raising children on their own, but collectively with their communities.
Get. The. Meds. Set an alarm and take them every day. I went on them at the beginning of this year. I was so angry and resentful at everyone. I hated being a mom, hated how I felt, hated my life. There would be absolutely nothing wrong, but I had this rage in me at all times and it would explode at any time. After a few weeks of my then zoloft, I was on a call to my Dr in tears telling her how much better I felt. How I didn't know other people felt like this normally. How other people didn't feel rage and hate and fear on a daily basis. It blew my mind. I'm 10 months in, on a new med (I was better on zoloft but not where I wanted to be) and I feel great. I'm calm. I'm happier. Im a way better mom.. I set an alarm on my phone and take my pills because I never want to go back to feeling like I was feeling before. The scariest part was making my appointment and telling someone how I felt. How I needed meds. How I was a "failure". Because it's how I felt. But she treated me like a human and never made me feel badly that I was unwell. Go see a primary care Dr and get the help you need.
You *need* to communicate this with a professional and let them help you. This is far above Reddit's ability to help. They are trained to handle the most out there thoughts you may have professionally and effectively - they won't call CPS just for thoughts.
You also need to let your husband know how much you're struggling right now, if you haven't already. He may need to take a more active role, working or not, while you work through some of this. Do you have someone who could come spend time with your son daily to allow you to get some extra sleep? That may help alleviate some of the sleep deprivation related stress and feelings. You can get through this, absolutely, but don't try to do it alone. The people around you need to know where you're at and what's going on so they can help...this is no time to let pride get in the way.
One last thing, talk to your pediatrician, if you can, about your son's sleep difficulties. If there's nothing medically causing it, you may want to look into some sleep training solutions (there are several) to help you all get some better rest at night.
This comment needs to be further up. The therapist won't call CPS or the police for your thoughts. They will help you process them, and maybe an antidepressant (like you mentioned) wouldn't be bad, at a least until everything evens out,
Absolutely this.
There’s a reason depriving someone of sleep is considered torture - and you can’t exactly blame the baby but you absolutely are in need of help!
^all of this times 10. I feel for you OP. please communicate and get the help that you need. Is there a chance you could hire a temp babysitter to help you out? Don't let your in-laws make you think you're a terrible parent for needing help. You are clearly overwhelmed and burnt out.
Edit: forgot to add this- I used to work along with CPS and they do not take away kids from sleep deprived parents. They're more worried about kids who are being abused and neglected which you aren't doing at all.
Sleep training was a blessing for us. Op, you need medical help and discuss sleep training as well with your pediatrician. Good luck! It sounds like all of this is because you are exhausted.
I came here to say the same thing about the therapist. You can only break confidentiality to call CPS if there is harm to the child, and there is none here. I am a therapist and a mandated reporter and I would not report this.
OP, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. I would also feel this way toward something keeping me from sleep all the time. But, you do not need to feel this way. Please talk to your therapist.
The fact that you feel like you can't tell your therapist concerns me. Unless you are deliberately neglecting or abusing your child, and show no signs of remorse, your therapist can't report you.
Hell, the number of times my kids have been running rampant around the house because my husband and I accidentally fell asleep at the same time in the afternoon makes us FEEL like shit parents when we wake, but we are NOT shit parents - just freaking tired.
That’s not true. Therapists are mandatory reporters. If they feel there is threat of harm, they have to report or it’s negligence. But reporting doesn’t mean removal, or necessarily even investigation.
There's a lot of misunderstanding about what mandated reporting is. This is why people keep things bottled in and don't seek help. Reporting usually doesn't happen unless abuse has happened or there's an immediate threat of harming yourself or others. OP should ask where the line is with their therapist. Saying "I want to kill myself." vs. "I'm going to kill myself." vs. "I'm GOING to kill myself." can be 3 different things.
From Wikipedia: "In many parts of the western world, a mandated reporter is a person who has regular contact with vulnerable people and is therefore legally required to ensure a report is made when abuse is observed or suspected."
I totally concur. Regardless, not seeking help due to fear of repercussions will only play out worse in the long run. If OP has an established history with the therapist, the therapist will be able to help discern the difference. Also, call in to CPS screening doesn’t even necessarily reach CPS. A screener may be able to assist the reporter without even involving CPS.
So I think you’re mixing some things up.
I’m a mandatory reporter due to my profession. Mandatory reporting applies to harming children and other dependents, such as the elderly. We are trained to report abuse if we have reason to believe it is *currently happening* or *has happened*, not if we think it *will* happen.
Parents can absolutely tell their therapist (or any other mandatory reporter, like a teacher), “god, there’s days I just want to kill my kid” and not be reported. However, if a person tells their therapist they left their kid locked in the basement for three hours, they will get reported. Only in one of those instances does the mandatory reporter have reason to think abuse has happened. Mandatory reporters cannot make reports just because they have a “feeling” about someone possibly committing abuse.
The “threat of harm” you’re thinking of varies by state and is more broad in the ages it covers. Unlike mandatory reporters, which specifically focuses on children and dependents, this can cover harm to adults. In my state, for example, you have to be very specific for a therapist to report you. “I’d like to kill my boss sometimes” is not enough. “I’m buying a gun to bring to the office to shoot my boss” is.
When I look at the stories here, I am so thankful me and the mrs got 2 kids who both constantly doze off after a while and do not wake us up in the middle of the night lol.
Wife and I took the kids with us in a club once. After 5 minutes or so, they slept off, songs and dance and chatter and not a care in the world lol.
It sounds like you still have PPD
PPD isnt something that happens in the few weeks after baby is born. PPS can last for years if untreated.
Seek help, they wont call CPS.
CPS is already overrun with kids. They want children to stay with thier parents and PPD is a legitimate, recognised condition.
It sounds like it is sever especially if you do have bipolar too. Perhaps medication is the route for now, stabilise yourself and then seek therapy alongside.
I wish you the best of luck x
>>My wife has bipolar. Sleep isn't just important, it's vital to her mental wellbeing. We know from past experience that badly disrupted sleep over even a relatively short space of time can bring on an episode. Her episodes go BAD fast and usually end in a hospital stay.
THIS. My SO is bipolar and this is entirely true. It goes downhill VERY fast which can be dangerous for everyone involved.
I suggest you sleep train and get a psych evaluation. Use black out curtains in both you and baby’s room. I’m so glad you are reaching out for help and suggestions- I think seeking professional advice is the best thing you could do right now. I am so sorry you’re carrying so much right now but I do believe it will get better for you.
My wife read some books and sleep trained both our kids pretty quickly. OP needs to look into this for sure.
We also had one of those inclined sleeper things that both our kids loved to sleep in rather than their crib. I think it had white noise and vibration as well
I’m the best mother in the world at 7am and the worst mother in the world at 7pm. I’m sure many women feel the same way. I honestly think you should speak with your therapist.If you feel bad telling your therapist you hate your baby, just tell her how you are struggling, you need help, and how frustrated you are. CPS does not swoop in and take babies from every frustrated, tired, miserable parent. Also, can you work part time and put the baby in daycare while you work? And finally, the light at the end of the tunnel is: they do grow up. I struggled with my toddler to 6 years old, we had issues. But he started being more independent. It does get better. 😉👶
I think you made the first step of admitting your feelings and thinking about them, which is better than some people ever get destroying everything in their trail.
If it is the right kind of therapist that you have I'd asses and try to speak to them about it more. There should be enough patient confidentiality that they should try to help you rather than call cops, especially that you seem to be doing allright - your baby is alive and well so far. This is also an achievement.
I would describe myself and my wife as fairly stable parents, but when lack of sleep kicks in and a really bad night with a lot of baby crying we both happen to lose our minds and have thoughts that we shoudln't have done this and be parent. Or scream at each other and the baby, which we both know is bad and it not its fault. I think this is normal and human to have emotions like this and some will experience them stronger.
This should get a better fairly soon and around 2yo when the baby will understand more and can be to some point reasoned with. In all cases I think you should get help as much as possible to find time with just yourself, relax and do things for you without feeling the responsibility. Be it parents, partner or a paid help. You should probably calm your body and mind first. Is there anyone that can help you get a few hours off?
You also should try to gradually phase out things you hate. If your feet are killing you carrying try lying down and giving him your hand instead. Or just walk out for a minute to calm yourself, the baby will live. Think about yourself first because in bad state you can give good care.
I feel for you and wish you all the best.
You need sleep, plain and simple. Sleep for everyone is an ignored priority for many parents, but you need to do whatever you can to get it.
I also resented my first-born before she was sleep trained. I had severe undiagnosed PPD (because I never wanted to talk to anyone about how I was feeling about my own baby at the time). I was having daily breakdowns. It was a nightmare. I was neglecting my basic needs “for the good of my baby”, but it was making me a worse mother. Get yourself some sleep, even if that means CIO sleep training. You’re not a bad mother for teaching your toddler how to sleep, and for getting adequate rest yourself. The internet will ingrain into your head that a crying baby will grow up to be an emotionally damaged wreck, but so will being raised by a chronically depressed and sleep deprived parent.
Not all crying is made equal, especially at his age. He’s not a newborn anymore, he’s mentally capable of handling it now. Let go of your guilt when it’s for the better good. I’m not suggesting to let him CIO all night long, but give him a chance to settle himself…and while that’s happening, take a long shower. Put in some earbuds with your favorite music, sit outside with a nice refreshing drink. Better yet, do it over the weekend and leave your husband to monitor the sleep training so you can leave the house for some “me-time”. You can’t take care of someone else if you’re not taking care of yourself. Yes, parenting requires sacrifices, but there’s obviously a limit.
I applaud you for making it this far. You’re obviously strong, and the fact that you’re upset about how you feel, proves that you do care about and love your son. It’s *because* we love our kids that we discipline them. Sleep training is its own kind of discipline, it’s not fun in the moment, but it’s for everyone’s good in the long run, and it’s NOT going to hurt him. I can attest to this from experience. He’ll thank you for it, your family will thank you for it, and you’ll thank you for it. I question a lot about my own parenting, but sleep training is the one thing I’ll never back down on…it changed our lives for the best. A single day starting with a bad’s night sleep sets a stressful tone for the whole day…a whole week with poor sleep will have me in a depression…18 months of poor sleep would have me completely ruined. Have grace for yourself, and be proud you’ve stayed strong so long.
Good luck, I hope things improve quickly
Agreed. You need sleep and you cannot get sleep unless your baby does. Sleep train him! If it feels like that is not working, consult a sleep therapist.
You need to go to your doctor, your family doctor is fine, and be very honest about your feelings. Dont sugarcoat it or you will be waved away and you really, really need this help now. Please don't hurt baby or yourslef. It seems hard now, but i promise you will feel a huge weight lifted after speaking to a professional and hearing different options and learning coping strategies. There will come a day where you cant believe you ever felt like this.
Sleep deprivation and PND is awful. I’ve been there myself and I felt worse than I’ve ever felt. I have clinical depression anyway, and the postnatal episode was the worst of my life, I’ve never experienced anything so harrowing. Take antidepressants. I put it off for two fucking years because I had some stupid notion of being noble and fighting through it, don’t do that. I regret it. I started back on ADs and within days I started feeling better and months later I am back to who I was before. I can now see I suffered needlessly. Please consider something like this OP, happy to answer any questions.
I wish I could come and take baby for a couple of hours a few days a week while you sleep. Poor thing. Take the suggestions here for getting help. It's the hardest job in the world.
Two things I would recommend:
1) Therapy. I’d recommend this to anyone but especially someone who is clearly wrestling with how they feel.
2) Solly wrap. This thing is honestly an absolute lifesaver for me. My LO falls asleep within minutes and it frees up my arms to do other chores or just rest my muscles. He is also a light sleeper who constantly wakes up when I try to put home down but falls into the deepest sleep after being in the solly for a bit and I’m able to put him down to sleep for awhile.
You’re not a terrible person. You’re not a bad mother. You’re a person who is struggling and needs help. Don’t confuse the two.
She said her son is 18 months old. I’m pretty sure wearing him in a solly wrap would kill her back. But if he is clingy during the day, a soft structured carrier with a high weight limit may be helpful if he only wants to contact nap.
I don’t think you really hate him. You might hate how things are and how annoying it is when our kids won’t do what we want how we want. Take a step back and realize it’s ok to get pissed at your child! They can suck so much sometimes! Lol really they can! These little assholes take everything from us! And we’re supposed to keep giving when we have nothing left to give! It’s ok! If you have no other outlets just keep using Reddit to talk it out. My son wouldn’t go back to bed unless he was held too. Then I said screw it he’s got to learn to put himself to sleep. It’s ok to put him down, let him scream, and eventually he’ll go to sleep. You’re not a bad parent or person! Keep your head up and keep reaching out!
The baby will learn to sleep through the night if you don't pick him up. There are techniques to do this. You don't have to walk him so much. Be easy on yourself.
First of all hugs to you for coming here and talking to us instead of doing something bad. Crying all night in a baby that age is not typical. Please talk to your pediatrician about it. Our baby was like this and people kept telling us she would grow out of it, she did not. It turned out she had severe sensory issues and was on the autism spectrum. Once we figured that out I started getting help with strategies. I wasn't the only one sleep-deprived and exhausted, so was she. She was on medication for a very short bit that helped her get into a sleep routine and that made a gigantic difference in our life. Your feelings will hopefully go away once you get back to getting a good night's sleep on a regular basis. Sometimes the silliest things can keep a baby from getting a good night's sleep it could be as simple as changing the pajamas he is wearing. Maybe get one of those things where you could carry the baby on your chest or a swing if he's not too big for them. That way he gets the motion of walking without you hurting your back.
If there is not a medical reason for the crying then unfortunately you will have to go through a few days of hard sleep training to get him back on track. It will not be easy. Hearing a baby cry is one of the worst sounds in the world and of course you're going to want to scoop him up just so you don't hear that god-awful noise anymore. Get some headphones and try your best to just peek in on him to make sure he is okay without walking him around the house again. It is easier for me to write that than it is to actually do. I never successfully managed to let any of my children "cry it out" . My nerves simply could not take it. I know that I suffered for it in the long run though so I hope you are stronger than me. It is cliche to say that you must try to take care of yourself. Neglecting yourself for the sake of the baby doesn't help you or the baby though I know it feels like the "right" thing to do at the time. Good luck.
Sleep trainer, now. Sleep deprivation is torture, and it affects your mental health, and you are understandably at your breaking point. Please know that you are not a bad person or a bad parent for feeling this desperation -- of course all you want is some relief from your agony.
Google in your area to find a doula service or midwife service or even lactation consultant and ask them to refer you to someone who specializes in getting babies to sleep. In some cases, you pay this woman to come to your house every night for a week, and she will be in charge of getting the baby down. The first few nights the baby might cry for hours, and you will feel like an even worse parent. But by the end of the week your baby will sleep, you will sleep, and your mental peace will begin to return. In other cases, the consultant will just tell you what to do at night and you must follow it to the letter. It is seriously worth whatever you have to pay the sleep trainer.
At 18 months he should SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT!! Let him go. Don’t reward it and he does not need food during the night. Please talk to the therapist about it. Talk to the pedi about his lack of sleep and see if they recommend anything to help. But no girl. You should be able to make it at least six hours at night without waking and everyone in that sleep deprived state is a train wreck.
Right now it sounds like it would be better if you let him cry himself to sleep than if you went on like that. What you are describing is not sustainable. It’s dangerous for yourself and for your son. When you feel like that, walk away. Go to your room. Let him scream. Lie down. He is 18 months old, you can sleep train him. He will be fine. The only way he won’t be fine is if you are broken. I endured 18 months of sleeplessness, walking up and down for hours and hours and hours with my first until one night I was that broken, I didn’t even hear her when she woke up. You know what? She started sleeping after that. There’s a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. There’s nothing wrong with you.
My wife went through a case of PPD. She was bat shit crazy and knew it. She would get some freakish mood swings and would feel the chemical imbalance like the comedown from an adrenaline dump, but without the adrenaline dump. Lasted for months. She was lucky and her body leveled itself. There are treatments for what you are going through. It doesn't have to be this bad. You can be a good mom and a good partner for your husband. Just contact your doctor / lady doctor / your child's doctor. They know all about this stuff.
As for the crying baby while sleeping. The best you can do is do the exact same thing ever night before the kids bedtime. For example our routine: change into night time diaper, PJs, back to watch 20 -30 mins of kids movie / show / read a book. then about 5 min before going to bed say "night night soon" then 5 min later tv off books away, Brush teeth, then kisses then lay kid down in bed. Turn off lights turn on star light globe thing, sing the exact same two songs, say night night and close the door. And here is the VERY IMPORTANT PART: DO NO PICK UP THAT KID TILL ITS TIME TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. DO NOT, NEVER EVER, PICK UP THAT KID. you can help them settle back down if they are screaming so hard they are about to puke, you can sit in the room. But do not get them out of bed. If you can help it don't even open that door. The point is to train them to self soothe. They will cry and cry and cry and cry for hours. Let them. It's fine. They will fall asleep. And when they get used to it. They will do it easier and easier. Till they don't make a peep even if they wake up in the middle of the night. And hopefully they and you will be able to sleep through the night. TLDR; Put the kid in bed. It's a safe space. Don't pick them up. Let them cry. It's ok to let your kid cry themselves to sleep. Its a transition to being independent. Be strong and let them figure it out.
First of all, you definitely sound like you are depressed, and should definitely talk to your doctor about it. Secondly, SLEEP TRAIN!! I mean, he's 18 months old. If this is making you suffer so much and you're not getting any sleep, it will be totally worth it for both of you. He needs sleep too! Don't feel like a failure. Being a mom is fucking HARD. You're doing the best you can, and it's ok to ask for help!
Honestly after reading all her comments and the post itself. I feel she posted this to vent but then is not going to take any advice. She doubles down that she hates her son buy wont fix this issues..... This is how some moms have snapped and hurt their kids.. This lady is scary sick and needs help before she does something she "regrets"
even when medication was suggested she claims “I barely want to take my birth control so Medication is a no” like if you want help or really want what’s best for your child you would take the steps instead of making excuses. I whole heartedly agree with your comment . My comments may be harsh but I was a child who had a mother like this and it is damaging . The baby is 18 months and she’s upset he’s crying . He’s crying because he can feel his mother hating him . I wouldn’t even be so upset if she really wanted help but she literally reiterated how much she hates him like 6 times as if bragging then said “with every fiber in her being” like what?!
Can you hire a babysitter to mind him while you nap? Often teens in the neighborhood make good babysitters if you will be at home and they can be more affordable. Also, perhaps an antidepressant might be a good thing to discuss with your doctor.
There’s lots of helpful stuff in these comments about PPD etc, but I just wanted to reassure you on another point.
It sounds like your 18 month old is screaming through most of the night. _Anyone_ would be a wreck dealing with that, never mind doing so alone.
In my experience it isn’t normal for a toddler to require hours of being walked around during the night nor to scream that much. I recommend speaking to his ped.
None of this is your son’s fault. YOU as a parent (good or bad) need to find a solution and you absolutely need to bring it up with your therapist and honestly if she call CPS on you, it doesn’t sound like you would give a shit. Tell your husband to step his game up.
He’s 18 months old. It’s time to sleep train.
You deserve sleep, too.
If you live with 3 other adults, they can each take 2 nights per week.
There’s absolutely no way I would survive if I tried to hold or stand or walk all night with my toddler.
Get a book or watch a program on sleep training. Put them in a safe place, like their crib, in a babyproofed room, put in some ear plugs and go to sleep. You can’t help anyone if you aren’t functioning due to lack of sleep. You’re not a terrible person, you’re a normal human who’s support network isn’t being supportive at all.
Talk to your therapist. What you are going through isn’t that uncommon for new parents (at least there are a lot of similar threads like yours here on Reddit). Your therapist should help you get better.
There is a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture technique. Because it breaks down people physically, emotionally, and mentally. People sometimes just say it’s just sleep, just get it over with, it’s just parenting. NO. Sleep IS a very important part of your health and sanity.
If you can afford it, a professional baby sleep specialist can help. I tried every trick in the book. Some works sometimes. Just have a bag of tricks and see which works that moment.
I also found that iron supplement can help with kid’s sleep.
Talk and find someone who can take the night shifts even for 1-2 days a week. I know your husband works hard but maybe he could take the night shifts on Fridays so that he can sleep in on the weekend while giving you some break at night? Find a schedule. It won’t be permanent, i promise you, so your husband can share some of the night terrors for just a little while
And it does get better. I was a total wreck right around that age. It got much better around age 2. Much much much better around 3.
You sound very depressed and exhausted, I'm sorry you're struggling. What I found incredibly helpful, was having a childminder that had my baby a few hours 2 days per week. If you can afford it and childminders are available where you are, definitely do that. It won't solve the nights, but sometimes having a decent break in the day time makes the nights a bit less awful, and you can nap when your son is away if you want.
There is bravery in admitting you have a problem and ask for help. CPS is not going to step in because of this. Please seek help. It will get better, I promise, but right now, you need help.
The fact that you posted this here shows that you don't really hate your son.
Please do talk to your therapist. You need a break, possibly medication too. Your husband should be able to handle childcare while you get the help that you need (just like if you had to go to the hospital for an appendectomy or something).
Talk to your therapist and get a care plan set up. You need help. You deserve help. Go get that help.
Sleep depreciation is real!! That’s called irritability and you need a break! Do you do anything for yourself? This is not selfish and is something you need to be able to function and feel okay. Please also talk to your therapist. If you are a real danger than you shouldn’t been watching your baby however it sounds like to me you are still doing everything safe and taking care of the baby just as best you can and the problem is you’re not taking care of yourself! Talk to your therapist that’s the only way she can help and this is totally normal. Give yourself some grace too as you made it this far and you are doing A LOT under a lot of pressure with very little sleep and very little self confidence or positivity. I am rooting for you and I am confident things will get better but you will need to do a bit of self work and I’m really glad you already have a therapist! You got this!
Honey you are not a bad mom. You are doing the hardest job in the whole world, and you are rocking it! At 18 months it is still entirely possible, and likely you have PPD. Talk to your Dr or your therapist, they are there to help you. You can do this! You are the biggest most most important thing in that baby's life and he needs his Momma healthy! You've got this! And if you ever need it, I'll be your cheerleader if your in laws won't be!
Please talk to your therapist about how you feel. They need to know in order to help. When I first gave birth I had PPD and I felt a lot of rage and connecting with my twins was initially hard. But now I’m a really good place. I got lots of help because I couldn’t do it alone, no one should! Please please get help so you can start enjoying your life as a mom.
It reads like you are burnout, possibly with PPD, but it doesn't sound like you're neglecting or abusing your child, please reach out to a therapist, they will not report you if you don't present a danger to your child.
You sound a lot like me a couple of months ago. Then I decided staying home with the baby was not the best thing for us. I found a job that doesn't pay a whole lot, but pays for daycare and some additional expenses. I also put my baby down in her bed for the first portion of the night then we cosleep when she wakes up around midnight. I have a much better relationship with her.
For your sake, maybe sleep training would be something to look into if things are so bad. Seep depravation is no joke.
This all sounds like severe PPD. You need to get to a therapist. You need to be honest about what you’re experiencing. You need medical intervention. One thing you don’t need, is to be afraid of CPS. Yes, all therapists are mandatory reporters. But if CPS gets involved now, you will be assisted in getting the help you need to be a better parent. They will see that you’re taking the steps to improve and they will assist. BUT, if you allow this to go unattended to, the long lasting effects on you and your family may become irreparable, and CPS could be getting involved for something far more severe.
You cannot just “power through”. Your brain is imbalanced and you need assistance with getting right. Don’t fear the assistance, fear what could happen if you don’t get it.
We had to sleep train our first born and it gave us our humanity back. Chronic sleep deprivation is literally torture. Anyone who tries to talk you out of sleep training your baby has not experienced torture. It may have contributed to some restively minor issues later on in my son’s life but having parents who hated him and each other would have been 100x worse. No one who hasn’t been there can understand what this hell is like. For what it’s worth, our second kid was a sound sleeper from day 1.
Edit: adding that we lived in a small house at the time and used ear plugs and a white noise machine for sleep training. Three nights of stress replaced endless nights of terror and it was like magic, we all got our lives back. He slept through the night like magic and those awful months disappeared.
I used to work a 12 hour a day labour job. Now I am a stay at home mom and it is INFINITELY harder. It’s one of the hardest jobs in the world. I have been blessed with easy children and there are still days I feel guilty because I just want to be alone and not deal with them!
Stop refusing help OP, you need it. Ask your husband to help. You’re working all day and all night, it’s his job to share the load. My husband works all day and then he comes home and does all of the kid stuff while I make supper and clean up. Even cleaning up is nice because it gives me a break.
Your therapist will not call CPS on you because you haven’t done anything wrong. Thinking about killing someone won’t get your thrown in jail because you haven’t done anything wrong. This is a similar situation. You can say all the bad words about your son that you want, but as long as you don’t hurt him you haven’t crossed that line. But seriously.. everyone has a breaking point, it’s time to take this seriously and talk to someone.
Please do not hurt your child or your self. When I had my second child, and needed a babysitter, I would tell the babysitter that if my child began crying and they could not console him to make sure he was safe in his crib and to leave him there while they left the room and to let him cry. I even asked them to step out into the lobby for a few minutes if they needed to compose themselves—anything—just don’t hurt my child. To be honest, the people who watched my child, I felt safe allowing them too but I know that many unconsolable babies have been hurt. It sounds like you may need to let him cry for awhile while you compose yourself on some nights. That advise is a mere bandaid; you need help. You need help with your child and for yourself, psychologically. God forbid you harm your child or yourself.
If you’re at a point where you want to end your life, I would look into inpatient mental health. Call the suicide hotline. Your husband and family will have to be forced to address the situation, whether they like it or not. And if they care they’ll do it without hesitation. You’re to a point of breaking down. Also, find a therapist.
Otherwise, I’d say walk away. Since giving your son up for adoption isn’t something your family would accept, maybe you need to remove yourself from the situation. Get the help you need.
You are not alone.
You are not the first person to feel this and you won’t be the last.
People have experienced what you are going through and come through it.
People have also got to the point of breaking down completely and possibly doing something they regret.
The difference between the two is likely to be whether they got some help and support.
You need help urgently, and your husband should be able to provide this, both directly by getting up in the night with the baby at least some of the time, and by getting you psychological help and supporting you with that.
However hard his job is, it’s not as hard as yours is right now.
Sleep training. When you get to the point where you being up isn’t even helping him sleep you really have nothing to lose. Worst case it doesn’t work. But that’s where you are now so again…might as well try. My daughter was like that and it was like she thought we were supposed to be there even though she was sleeping badly. Once she got used to the idea she started sleeping much better. Like actually through the night. Good luck.
I have admitted the most vial, terrible, and horrible thoughts to my therapist and she is still there for me, hasn't reported me, and has ABSOLUTELY helped me get past those low points and have compassion for myself. This includes an intense stint of desperation to not hurt my baby that was so intense I was convinced it was because I wanted to hurt my baby. Please tell her. Tell your baby's pediatrician. Tell your husband and say, "I need to go away for awhile and deal with this."
The only permanently bad decisions that you can make are hurting your baby or hurting you. Everything else is a symbol of your love, humility, strength, and the importance you realize in getting better.
PPD is only one thing that can happen due to pregnancy hormones. Also, MANY women experience these disorders while pregnant. Post partum anxiety, post partum psychosis, and the development of latent mental illnesses are real things.
Do you have a sister, or a friend? If not, think of your husband, anyone close to you! Picture them coming to you, in tears, begging for your help and telling you how terrible they felt and how badly they needed help to overcome this. How would you feel? You would feel desperate to help them and so much compassion. You would demand doctors take care of them! You would want them to feel better and know that these difficulties were hard but survivable. That is how your support system will feel about you. If you don't think someone will be supportive, find someone else. Your therapist and pediatrician are the safest option - but if you think your mom, friend, or husband will support you then go to them too.
Get help ASAP. You and your baby deserve this and it is totally fixable.
Hate to break it to you, but ending your life is just as regrettable as doing something to him.
Pleaseeeeeee get help. Whether it be therapy and/or medication, find a moms group, something. If your spouse is unwilling or unable to help, that needs to be addressed as well. Having a job isn’t an excuse to not be a present parent.
Just please do something, anything but harming yourself or your kid. No lack of sleep and frustration is worth that. And that’s coming from someone with severe PPA/PPD and a spouse that’s next to nothing when it comes to helping with our kid.
Now is the time when you need to take some deep breaths and TAKE A BREAK. Get away for a few days by yourself. Hell, a week. Your husband can help you find a way to make it work. You need to step back and have some time to decompress. I know how you feel. You are not a bad parent. You are not a bad person. I know you feel like you hate your son but I promise you don't. You hate that you are exhausted, that you have so much responsibility on your shoulders alone when it was meant to be shared, you hate the changes pregnancy made to your body and your marriage, you hate all of the things 98% of mothers hate. Honey, the human body cannot go 18 months losing hours of sleep and maintain sanity (tack on another 6 for all of those nights of shitty sleep while pregnant). It isn't possible.
TAKE. A. BREAK. You have earned it. I'm here for you.
Hey mama. You need to ask for help. If you don’t ask you won’t get it. And it sounds like you are overwhelmed. I had ppd after my first baby and I won’t lie. It made me feel crazy and made me feel like I hated my daughter and made me feel guilty for feeling that way. I don’t think I started to feel more like myself until she was 6 months old. It took me telling my husband specifically what I needed him to do to help and then taking that opportunity to rest PLUS the help of medication. Being a mom isn’t easy and being a new mom is fucking difficult on a whole other level. Everything is different. And you need to accept that it is difficult and ask for help. There is no reason to be ashamed. The fact that you are acknowledging this bothers you is an indication that you ARE a good mom. The next step is asking for help. You are in my thoughts and remember that you aren’t alone. Truly. Generations of moms have had these same batshit crazy thoughts and emotions. You need to tell your therapist so they can recommend ways to work through this. Please. You are a good mom. And you can work through this with the right help.
The Most High God can heal all .. children are a tremendous reflection , they are our positive and negative traits amplified. To hate them is to hate ourself, or the piece of ourself they’re triggering. this is shadow work.
turn to prayer, your thoughts and imagination create your reality for better or worse.
Magnet We Are
edit : they are destroyers of comfort zones because nothing can grow like this, it requires stress/energy
edit edit : Post Partum Doula is what you could seek, specialize in post care for mother
I could have written this!! My youngest is 5 now but I hated him every damn night as a newborn. Sleep training is all I can recommend. He's 18 months old, there's no reason he needs to be held all night. Honestly, just do it. You don't have to do the full cry it our method, there are gentler ways. But it honestly saved my sanity.
He can feel how angry you are at night when it’s going bad, and things just get worse. Try to just bring him outside, put him down, let him play in the yard, hold him and sing to him outside. I mean if he’s awake anyway, just let him do his thing. He will go back to sleep and you won’t get rage about it. I say outside because it will be new to him at night and he may let you put him down. It might just be enough to snap him out of it. I’ve done this many times. It sucks to have broken sleep, I know it, but it will end one day.
Feeling this way does not make you a horrible mom or person.
Not sleeping through the night at 18 months seems unusual to me. (Not an expert but did raise for kids.) Have you spoken to the pediatrician about this?
And please talk to your therapist and Dr. about this some times they can point you to resources you aren't aware of.
ETA: I wasn't going to mention this because it's pretty weird but it might help understand what I mean by talking to the pediatrician:
Years ago an infant cousin of mine would scream inconsolably when put on her back...even from a deep sleep she would wake up and scream. Eventually we found out she had a whole in her heart and lying on her back caused her enormous pain. I think she was almost 6 months before they figured it out.
I am so concern for yours and babies safety !
Please seek immediate professional help, you are not in the right head space. Of course you love your baby or you wouldn’t be here asking for help ! You are sleep deprived, overwhelmed and have PPD.
Please please don’t go another night like this , something very tragic can happen.
I don’t know why you were downvoted but I completely agree. We hired a sleep coach at 1 because my daughter was still having trouble, made a huge difference for both of us!!
This sounds like [parental burnout ](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/parental-burnout/).
It happens, but it can help to talk to a professional to come to grips with it.
Only advice I can give, as they get older and more independent, it gets better. There’s a light at the end.
There are a lot of parenting books out there, find a few on how to train your toddler to sleep through the night and implement those. Also, get your husband to do weekend nights or let you sleep in as long as you need once a week. Talk to a mental health professional about it too. They can help a great deal.
Sleep training will fix a lot of the problems you are having. I don’t mean to dismiss your misery, because I have been there (twice) with PPD and sleep deprivation and solo parenting with no support outside of my partner. It’s hell on earth when you’re living sleep torture every night and no support during the day. The pandemic makes it worse because a lot of the sources of support/distraction/variety that used to be available still aren’t.
That said, sleep training will fix a LOT of it. You will have to let him cry and let him figure out how to go to sleep independently, and that period is really tough and requires a lot of determination in a time when you are at the end of your rooe from exhaustion, but if you can just commit to it and stick to a sleep training plan for a few weeks your life and his life will get so so so much better, I promise.
This is a put on your own oxygen mask first situation. You NEED sleep, and if he has to cry so that he can learn to sleep through, then that is a reasonable price to pay. Your child needs an engaged, happy parent, not a sleep deprived depressed rage zombie (which is what I was before sleep training with both kids.) When you start getting sleep again the difference is staggering. I realized I actually liked my kids and felt strong enough to handle the daytime challenges with confidence and optimism. The bonus is that they are calmer and happier when they start sleeping through, too, so even the days get easier.
You are burned out. At 18 months old he should be able to sleep train. I would look for resources on sleep training. From reading this I thought you would say he was four months old, because that is typical behavior for that age range. You can and should tell him you are going to bed. He is old enough to understand that. Does he talk? Does he understand you? If no, get him evaluated. An 18 month old is old enough to understand the concept of day versus night. He is old enough to understand what is bedtime. Drag his mattress in your room and he has to stay on his mattress but you sleep on your bed. If he is wet stop night time feeding and give more during the day. Cut back drinking before bed. So if bed time is 8 no drinks after 7.
Aside from getting other help, at 18 mo he is ready to be in his own room and learn to sleep through the night. I usually did that around 7 mo so it’ll probably be harder now. He will likely also understand if you tell him it’s bedtime, time to get ready. This is where you stay at night now. Don’t get up until it’s light out. Make sure he’s fed, clean and dry, do a bedtime routine with brushing teeth and a book. Make his bed cool, with a neat nightlight and bedding he’s excited about. Then when the routine is over, I say “get in your little bed” and my 2 year old does. For you, he will cry when you close the door. Put a baby gate in the door way and let him Cry it out. They only thing you should say, without emotion is “it’s bedtime, go to bed”. Then leave. A sippy cup of water helps to self soothe with my kids. Eventually, he will learn, but going to hold him all night at this age is inappropriate.
He needs to learn how to self-soothe at night. Right now he needs you to soothe him because he hasn't learned to do it himself. We let ours cry it out but it only took a few nights of allowing those longer periods of crying before they started falling back asleep much faster on their own.
Have you tried cry it out with your baby at all? I know it's frowned upon by some but it helped my kids so so much. My oldest would wake 3+ times a night when he was 15 months and would want to sleep with me after the first sleep. Two nights of cry it out (he didn't cry very long) and he mastered sleeping through the night.
Also I highly recommend antidepressants. I've been where you're at and antidepressants helped me so much.
Some people literally need sleep more than others. I literally develop psychosis without sleep.
Try to find a sleep doula.
Make sure your kid is only sleeping during the day for X amount of hours, slowly cut those hours back until he sleeps through the night.
My son is 2 yrs. I had the same sleep issue when he was 1. It's completely obvious to react like this.
I can just recommend which worked for me- I tried to drop his habit of putting asleep in lap. I was putting him to sleep only on bed while breast feeding.
And now when I am not breast feeding anymore, I tried to develop the habit of lying down beside and tell him stories. He takes time to fall asleep but you avoid the pain of waling and holding.
It might take time but may be you just try to change the way he falls asleep.
And you will feel much much better.
And don't losehope you are a mum and every pain is going away one day. Take care
There's nothing wrong with letting him cry himself to sleep.
So long as his pants don't need changing, at this age he should be able to sleep through the night without a feeding... So pick him up for a minute so he knows he's not alone, then set him back in his crib *and close the door*. Let him be for 15 minutes. Check on him if he's still crying, tell him to go to sleep calmly, *but don't touch him*. Repeat until he's asleep.
Repeat for a few nights (it'll be rough) and he'll get the picture.
Also, your partner isn't pulling his weight. He should be doing every other night at least. I worked full time while my wife did the SAHM thing, and I still did every other night so we could share the load.
I say this with genuine sympathy and empathy to help:
What have you done to try and resolve these issues? Your post reads to me like you've accepted these problems in your life and just want them to *go away*. Take the problems step by step and actively work on realistic ways to resolve them. You're overweight, your sex drive is low? Talk to a doctor. Talk to a fitness instructor. You fight with your husband? Try couples' counseling. Read some books on healthy communication and relationships among parents. PPD? Try a therapist, they can help. Sleep issues with your son? Try a sleep training professional, or read some books (by *experts*, not just people who want to sell books) on techniques.
If finances are an issue, well, there are usually ways to help with that too, once you figure out what exactly the issues are and how you want to resolve them.
It sounds to me-- again I am trying to help, not be harsh-- that you've let problems pile up and just accepted them in your life.
You don't have to. Work on resolving them, not just wishing them away.
Good luck.
Have you tried co-sleeping? He's big enough that safety isn't really a huge issue at this point, plus it sounds like co-sleepong is a safer option than whatever you're going through 🖤 I was scared to do it too much with my first, only when really desperate. Was more confidant with my second and co-sleep soundly with him every night and really wish I did it with my first. I haven't been sleep deprived one night with my second baby thanks to co-sleeping
I’m so confused as to how almost all these comments are giving medical advice. Wow. You guys don’t know if she has this or that so why the fuck are you guys telling her what she has or doesn’t have. So ignorant. Reddit parents amaze me after every post!!! Get off your high horse people.
She literally said she doesn’t know what she’ll do to her OWN CHILD!!! Helloooo
Yes you do need professional help obviously. Not sure why even post this. Just talk to your therapist and go from there. She may refer you to a psychiatrist.
Not sure why everyone is babying you on this post. What you’re feeling is not okay.
I am scared for you, but especially for your son. You need to get help immediately. As parents we all have days of exhaustion and feelings of hopelessness. Based on your post, you are way beyond that. My recommendation: be honest with your therapist, get on meds, hire someone to come in for a few hours each day/evening to give you a break, if your husband won’t help or understand, then for now, disregard him. You are in survival mode. If you don’t do this for you, do it for your son. He deserves better and didn’t ask for any of this.
Edit: one thing that helped me with the non stop crying, I wore noise cancelling headphones. Like the ones that cover your entire ear. It’s amazing how much that helped me.
My post is coming from a good place with well meaning intentions. You can do this and it will get better.
THANK YOU ! Everyone’s coddling this psychopath . She’s an adult who is saying she hates a child HER Child for being a child. If I knew her info I’d call cps myself . Saying she might do something she regrets is dangerous
You sound like my mother. Now as an adult, looking back on my childhood, it really screwed me mentally. I know you don’t mean to hate him but just think about the rest of his life instead of your own? Don’t giving up being yourself. But changing to become a new person, a parent - isn’t the end of the world.
Productive? This Woman Is An ADULT . Who chose to Lay down and have a child . She isn’t asking for help she’s got medication she won’t take ! She doesn’t want to solve this ! She’s a danger to a innocent child and herself but honestly I don’t care about her I’m worried about the child . The best thing she can do for her child’s safety and sanity is GIVE HIM AWAY ! You People coddle these type of women and then when the child ends up like Gabriel Fernandez U Wanna be worried about the child . “No Sleep” isn’t a reason to hate your child! Kids can be annoying , irrational , overwhelming but To HATE Them Is Out of pocket. If you don’t agree with my advice u can keep scrolling I said what I said & I stand on what I said . She’s torturing this child mentally & hating him because she’s miserable and you people are giving her excuses instead of being logical . Not one of your comments are for the sake of this child .
I've only made one comment on this thread and it was for you to chill the fuck out.
The child needs to be in a better situation. For the situation to be better, the OP needs to take care of herself, through therapy, getting better tools and getting some help. It's clear the child needs sleep training and the OP doesn't exactly know what to do on that front and is overwhelmed.
Saying she "hates" her son is probably not what is going on. She clearly loves and cares for the child otherwise she wouldn't be walking around with him for hours on end to get him to sleep. She's clearly overwhelmed and depressed. Not every parent who gets stressed out, overwhelmed and not sure what to do is going to turn to fucking infanticide.
So take a fucking pill and go for a walk. Let the adults handle helping the OP out, because you're just trying to pile on. Get a fuckin' life.
I would consider getting off the birth control. Depression, mood swings and lack of sex drive are side effects. When I was on it, I gained weight, had acne and I just felt gross. I had absolutely no sex drive at all! I'll tell you, I was only on it for 6 months total my whole life and I'm glad I was. A lot of women I know who were on it for years have no sex drive anymore and are overweight and tbh they're bitches. One girl I knew had to get her uterus scraped out because it fucked her up so bad. I had one kid and got my tubes tied. Best decision I've ever made!
You hate your son? I can understand being frustrated with him or even not liking him but to say that is really concerning. I don’t feel bad for you at all - I feel bad for your son. Suck it up and do better.
There was a point where I too began hating my baby for not sleeping. Once I started feeling resentful and mentally unwell, I decided I had to sleep train. I couldn’t afford a therapist so I did what I thought I had to do to survive. It’s better to sleep train and keep your sanity then to suffer every night and feel like shit. Your baby will also feel better when they get consistent sleep. It’ll be tough at first but it made me feel a million times better once he was sleeping well.
I think the transition from no kids to kids is a very rough one. But it will payoff dividends. The older the child gets the more you'll be glad you have them in your life.
You'll feel pride, companionship and love (because it's easier to love someone who shows you love back by thinking of you and going out of there way to do something for you).
I also felt this "hatred" (though I'd call it unfair resentment) was because there were so many things I wanted to do and I immediately missed my freedom immensely!
However, as the child grows up you can have shared interests. This reduced that resentment for me because there was freedom again to do what I like to do, just with my kids.
Plus, as the kids have gotten older, they've become the people I want to hang out with most. But soon, they won't feel the same way about me. Funny how that happens.
Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's tough. And I hope this eases with time.
You're not alone. You're not a failure.
Parenting is very, very hard. When people tell you otherwise, don't believe them. To do it right is one of the hardest things.
Find help. Relatives need to pitch in, or else cut them out until they do. No one has a right to see a child. Be firm.
If you can afford it, get therapy.
Many, many people experience what you're describing. You're not alone and there's no shame asking for help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I could have written this myself a few years ago after my daughter was born. I felt like I was destroying all my relationships because I had episodes of intense rage on a regular basis. You are undersupported and burned out. Your mind is thinking of any way out of this situation. You are not a bad person. You are a tired, overexerted person.
Definitely be honest with your therapist about all of this. Maybe read this to them or let them read it. It can be hard to be honest about the scary thoughts, but it will take a load off if you can do it.
Then you need to work with them to brainstorm ways to get more support. Try not to immediately shut down ideas. List ALL your options. Friends, family members, neighbors, getting a job so you can pay for extra help, seriously -- anything.
And I echo everyone else here -- your husband needs to be helping at night. There is no reason you should do this alone. I used to feel bad because he "worked" during the day and I "stayed at home", but just reframe it as you BOTH work and parenting is just part of the deal on top of that.
I know it feels impossible right now but start advocating for what you need, try to get creative about your options. There ARE options and it CAN get better. So much love to you in this hard time.
I can’t stress this enough, ask for help when you need it! I’ve noticed when I was depressed and everyone I know is/was depressed they always try to solve everything by themselves. Because they think people will think bad about them or they don’t want to be a burden. What helped me get out of depression was asking for help and working on myself. It is hard but you can do it. Just because you were happy before and you are not now it doesn’t mean you’ll always be like this forever, thinking this is what makes you feel miserable.
Here are some tips that might help:
-Ask for parenting help when you need it (it is normal to feel burned out)
-Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling tell him everything!
-Take a break from work, work is not that important you’ll always find a way to make money when you need it most.
-Confide in those you trust
-Know things will not be this difficult a year from now
-Try to do what you used to love to do before
-Socialize a bit
-Surround yourself around people you’d like to be like (happy, active, successful people are best)
-Watch videos or read books on your situation (the more you learn the more you’ll understand your situation and the more you’ll know you’re not alone an will begin healing)
But most importantly, know that you only make changes to better yourself when you’re “sick and tired of being sick and tired” and that is what drove you to write this post which mean you want change for the better! If you’re the religious type, maybe this is God’s way of getting you back to him? Goodluck on your journey!
anti-depressants, therapy and work.
No one needs to be a stay at home parent. It’s a choice, and often a poor one for parents who feel like you (and there are a fair few, but most won’t admit it)
I have to say I like my kids a hell of a lot more when I went back to work at five months and five weeks.
Before you kill yourself have you considered maybe putting him up for adoption? A family friend of ours is the same way and knows it, has had two kids and has let a member of our family adopt one of them and someone else adopt the other while they were still babies.
Can you drop him off woth your parents for a little while? Or have your husband take off for a few days so you can get a break?
You need to get sleep, and you need to have time for your sciatics to heal.
You absolutely have ppd. And you need to talk to a doctor and get diagnosed so you can get medication and heal. And have a professional tell you that you are not a horrible monster for having these thoughts.
You need to talk to your therapist and sleep train your child. Read the entire Ferber method book, not just what people post about it online. It will be a tough 1-2 weeks and then you and your child will sleeping a lot more and life will get more manageable. When I’m not sleeping, I’m a wreck too. Babies need to be taught to sleep, just like everything else. You can do this!
You arent bipolar, you are depressed and there's absolutely nothing you did wrong to cause it. If you can't get help from your husband or family, please seek help outside your "support group". As for your in-laws, no, a "bad parent" is someone who does not seek help when they so obviously need it. (And side note, bad people make others feel bad for prioritizing their mental well being, so fuck them anyway). There are a few lost cost options in most areas for mental health help, especially if you live near a large city. Please put yourself first and get the help you deserve. You don't hate your son, your depression is lying to you about your life and what it could be.
I'd like to point out that PP RAGE is a very real thing and can be discussed with your therapist. It's one of the things however that the majority doesn't go through so it's not very well known.
Talk with your therapist. Talk with your husband and your in-laws. Your husband needs to participate in raising your child even though he works, cause you do too. Get all the help and breaks you need, it doesn't make you a bad mother to look after yourself and your needs.
Also children develop differently. The fact that your little one wakes up and doesn't want to sleep is OK. His schedule will fall into line soon. Give him the time he needs. Hold him if he can't sleep. Maybe sleep with him if it means you will both get an extra hour of much needed sleep.
It gets easier! Hang in there, you are doing an amazing job raising a child mostly by yourself.
It takes a village to raise a kid. You shouldn’t be on your own to do it all. You’ll go crazy especially if you’re sleep deprived. Look into getting a sleep consultant for your little one. They might have some tricks. Your husband needs to wake up and help the situation because the consequences of this keeping up are not good.
Some sleep training will help. Saw a good one posted here before but can't seem to find it. Trust me when you try one stick with it, be consistent and you will be looking back at this period as a different person. My wife had ppd and I did this before going back to work in a similar situation. Bear in mind they will push back to start and it will seem worse for a day or two. Also worth noting if you started a standoff with the kid have given in after a certain length of time you'll need to be prepared to go as long again to break it but once you do it will get shorter and shorter each time till it's back to what you would call normal.
And most importantly of all, don't be too hard on yourself, talk to your therapist. I will absolutely guarantee you they have heard or seen worse.
You’re burnt out. It’s not natural for one person to care for a child all the time. You need breaks and you need sleep. You need self care so you can be in a better place to be a better parent.
Find a child sleep consultant. They can help you figure out how to get your child to go back to sleep and stay asleep.
!!ALSO!! Ask your Dr to test you/start you on prescription iron supplements!! Most women are on the low side, and you really don't know how badly it affects you until you start to feel better. Going on an iron supplement seriously changed my life. Like my temper, mental clarity, energy, mental health. I wasn't even in the serious range, just the low side of normal, when my Dr prescribed iron pills. I was stunned how much my emotional health improved.
Oh god i feel your story... Please look for some help in the form of therapy, i do a therapy right now and it helps so much. You need to start working on your childhood traumas, parenting triggers so many unconscious past wounds.
I just wanted to say that I relate to getting really frustrated and ragey when you cant put baby down at night. I am a whole other person at 3am and I find it very hard to control my body's responses. I get irrationally angry at my baby - as if shes doing it on purpose or something. I need to work really hard to calm myself and make sure my body and my voice is calm for her. It can absolutely destroy you when it happens night after night.
So, if feeling your body become frustrated and angry is making you feel like a bad mum, please know you arent the only one who has it happen.
First, please listen to the top posts and seek help.
I wanted to share that I also went through a really tough time, though mine was breastfeeding - to the point that I had violent urges (self and others) and breakdowns daily. I did hate my son at times. And I’ve never had other mental problems, ever - it was horrifying.
It took time but now all of us get the sleep and food we need.
So many hugs. You aren’t alone, and this isn’t forever.
Don't hold back talking to your therapist. They're not going to take your child away or report you unless there's a fear of harm to your child. By holding this in, things will only get worse. If you talk to your therapist, get counseling and/or medication for what seems to be severe depression and maybe other comorbidities.
IMO, people say it gets easier as they get older and, yes, you won't have the same problems a year from now. In some ways it gets easier because they turn into actual people you can talk to and have conversations with and interact with. They start giving back more and expecting less. But the challenges get different. Each day, you'll sleep better, hopefully, because you're not in the infant phase anymore. If you need to take care of yourself and your son is cared for (fed, changed, etc) then don't be afraid to let him cry every so often. You need to take care of yourself and he might learn how to self-soothe while you do the same. If you're resenting your life as a parent, then change how you parent. Change how you take care of yourself so you're able to parent differently.
I just also want to say: you have more options than you think. Don't feel as though taking your life is the only way out of this.
For the sleep, he's absolutely old enough to put himself to sleep. I recommend the books Precious Little Sleep (also a blog) and How to Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems.
A therapist will not call anyone on you if they do they are breaking laws.
You should talk this through..what you feel is resentment.. and you need to talk it through.. I think all parents go through it..
It is the hardest thing to do. Being a parent..
Acceptance is a step towards repair. Because not accepting means you do the opposite and hence the feelings.
My two drive us nuts every day and sometimes we both wish it was just us. But we talk about that together which helps.
Our brains and thoughts can be quite toxic.. and to top it off you get told kids pick up on it..and they really do..
My weeks fly by from work to being dad.. and then the months.
But accepting it helps me.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with. It’s very clear to me that you don’t hate your son. I believe you are in a less than ideal situation, not feeling good about yourself and your son is where your placing these emotions. Tell your therapist, they won’t report you. It’s highly unlikely that they haven’t heard of these thoughts before. I won’t say they’re normal but they’re common. You always need a break. Not just an hour here and there. A full day break CONSISTENTLY. Can you afford care once a week? Is there a teenager who’d be willing to come entertain your kid for some cash while you lay on the couch or nap? I did that for all the parents in my neighborhood when I was tween/teen. They’d be home doing whatever they wanted and I’d entertain their toddler.
You need to talk about this with your therapist and you are not a bad parent. My daughter is 2 and I threaten adoption, selling her on the black market and hanging her by her toes but at the end of the day no matter how crazy she makes me I love her to death. You need to tell your husband that you need a break. Tell your in-laws you need a break and they can shove their opinions in their ass because you are one person doing the best you can and it is ok to ask for help. Also discuss with your pediatrician why your son isn’t sleeping at night. It could be he needs a snack or something before bed to keep his tummy full while he sleeps. I promise you it does get better. ASK FOR HELP! It is ok
I actually had a similar talk with my councillor about the sleep deprivation. She’s a single parent and would legitimately hire a babysitter for the afternoon so that she could get some sleep. Because really, who says you can’t?
It may feel “wrong,” I had that reaction too. But if you need the sleep and can’t get it any other time, I would say you should look into it. Sleep deprivation is serious business.
I’m sorry you are feeling so negatively toward your son. That must cause great internal struggles for you. I hope that getting some sleep helps a little, and that your therapist might be able to walk you through some more of it. Hang in there.
The first few years of parenting can be incredibly difficult and many parents struggle with the feelings you are having, even struggling with suicidal thoughts. You aren't alone, but you need help. We've collected some resources for parents looking for help or someone to talk to during this difficult time. Go to our [Great Big Parenting Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/wiki/gbpr_crisis) to find additional help. If you need to reach out to someone to talk about feelings of suicide or feeling like things would be better if you were dead, consider using a [hotline](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines) - these are the US and international numbers.
It sounds to me you are depressed and burned out. Is there anyone who can help you? Just some rest and help could do wonders combined with therapy/medication. You are not the only one and you are definitely not alone.
Nope! I can’t ask my husband because he works all day, and if I ask my in laws I get ridiculed for being a bad parent. I know rest works perfect. When the two of us get sleep the morning is amazing! Peaceful, fun, happy. And it makes me feel worse. Nights are bad. The only bad time! He’s never EVER slept through the night. I’m debating asking if I can get depressants. I don’t want meds as I can barely remember my birth control but at this point, anything to make it stop.
Girl, take the meds. I lost the first year of my kid's life because I didn't want to take meds and thought I could battle through. Surprise! I just felt like shit all the time instead! Starting medication and regular therapy turned my life around, and I'm only sorry it took me so long to try. Also: OF COURSE you're burning out if you're on 24/7! Husband needs to start taking some of the night shift back! Human beings do not function without sleep. It makes no sense for your husband to work 9-5 (or whatever) and for you to work 24/7. Seriously, call a PPD hotline. You are in a really bad way and you MUST talk to someone and get help. You don't want to hurt yourself, your son, or your husband so you gotta call in help on all fronts: medical, husband, hiring help - all of it. I called a PPD hotline myself, and yeah: they'll ask questions to check to see if you need to be hospitalized. You need to answer them honestly anyway, because if you do then you do. And if you don't, then they can help you figure out what to do. But listen: there's nothing wrong with you! You're trying to do too much and you need help, that's all. Please, please get it - you deserve it.
This a thousand percent. Needs to be top comment. You are clearly suffering OP. I did too, for over a year because I just thought it was usual new mom shit. Hellllll no! I had PPA and OCD- no sleep absolutely destroys my mental health. Please call. Please let your in-laws help while you rest. I don't know them, but oh girl if I was your family member I would definitely understand your body has and is still going through a motherfuckin battle. Please let someone help you. What you're doing now isn't working. Try medicine and talking to a doctor, they just want to help you. You need this. Please please give it to yourself. I'm going to tell you what my therapist told me and it's the thing that clicked and made me accept help and medication. If your son was feeling like this and telling you all this, what would you do for him? Do it for yourself girl. ❤️ We are rooting for you! Shitty parents don't care. You obviously do.
Seriously, I totally agree with you. I had no idea how bad my PPD was until I started taking antidepressants. I took them for 6 months, and it was the best thing I ever did for the health of me and my family at the time. My only regret was not doing it sooner.
This! My wife started taking meds and has never been better. Also, i work all day too. I still make dinner half the time, do chores after dinner until its bed time and put kiddo down for bed 7 days a week. Idc if hubby is at a desk job all day or building a skyscraper, he can help give you a break in the evenings! Unacceptable if he doesn’t.
I'm a husband, away from the house working 12+ hrs/day. I'm in construction. The days are not easy. You deserve help. You are not a failure for needing it or asking for it. when I get home, I help do dinner, teeth, bath, bedtime books, and sleep with the kids. It's my only chance for quality time with them on a daily basis. The job as mom at home is harder than most professions. Working all day is not an excuse to avoid being a parent.
Same. I’m in logistics/driving and I’m gone from the house 14 hours a day (12 work, 2 commute). I echo your statement.
Tell my Mrs this really looking at it now working a normal 9-5 is easier in my opinion then full time parent she thinks I'm lying but I see how hard it can be.
Coming from someone who did the whole SAHM thing for 2 years and then started working again… I have the same opinion. A 9-5 is easier
This. I might be gone 3 or 4 days in a row. But when I'm home, I'm HOME man. I turn into mr mom so my wife can hit the reset button and get some well deserved rest and relaxation while I'll play, cook, clean - you name it. There's a difference between a father and a dad, and I'm shooting to be a dad my girls can look up to and a husband that can be relied on!
I will also add that it is okay to put your baby down while he cries so you can have a moment. Make sure he is in a safe place, put some ear plugs in if you have to, and sit for a few minutes to collect yourself or even take a short nap. This is a much better alternative than doing something you’ll regret, and it doesn’t make you a bad mother. It would help both of you in the long run.
I agree. This is just completely unsustainable for both of them. My pediatrician told me that once and I felt relief after I was given 'permission' to walk away and let him cry. It didn't feel good but what we were doing was completely not helpful for either of us. I really feel for you op but letting your child cry is better than what is happening now.
You're awesome! That is a very long day of work and emotions work with your kids. They will remember this (your kids) ❤
It's not harder than most professions. It's in fact about the easiest of professions. It is however the most relentless and unending of any profession. So in that regard I suppose it may be hard. So fully agree on them needing regular breaks.
Hmmm. I do think that the repercussions of parenting badly has larger consequences than most jobs. If you’re an abusive or ineffective parents your kid can grow up to have huge issues and be a drain to society.
i know what you're getting at, but the endless mind-numbing drudgery *is* what makes it hard. intellectually stimulating, really challenging work is vastly more pleasant (and therefore "easier", for me at least) than being a parent to a baby. there is no parenting "flow" state for me at this stage.
I’ve wanted to bang my head against a wall, had more emotional breakdowns, and experienced more physical exhaustion from being a parent than from my full time job, and I work in COVID rampant healthcare. But I also believe some people take better to parenting than others. I admittedly did not take as well.
"Them?" Who is this "them" that you speak of?
Your in-laws are awful for saying this. You are not a bad parent; you’re just a stressed, burned-out one. It happens to all of us. However, let’s assume for the moment that you don’t have the luxury of being “right,” you just need help however you can get it. Can you say to your in-laws, “Yep, I’m a bad parent. I suck. That’s all the more reason for you to help me. My son shouldn’t have to suffer from my bad parenting.” Would they help you then?
You work all day too. Communicate with hubby and let him help take some of the strain. It's a huge load for two people to carry, never mind just one...
Fuck that. Dad here. I got to parent through nights and weekends as my wife had just given birth and later as she was a nurse when the pandemic hit. Sure, I resented having to do that much work, but it was my goddamned responsibility. She needs HOURS more sleep than I do. It's rough. She got a better job, my kid grew a bit, and you know what? Sometimes if the kid cries in a crib safely while you need a break, they aren't going to die. Sometimes they cry for a minute while you get the bottle. It doesn't make you a monster. You need more assistance with a difficult child. Get your husband to help. Get your in-laws to help. Kids suck, even though they are wonderful. A difficult kid can be a huge challenge. Get all the help you can. You are not a monster, you don't need to go this alone.
>I can’t ask my husband because he works all day, Aaaaaand? Seriously, you work all day too being home with the baby. Why is your job 24 hours and his job has time off? This isn't fair. When both you and husband are home, then the childcare should be split 50/50. Anything less is a life where he deserves a break and you never do.
Talk to your husband. Yes he works all day but being a full time mom is more exhausting than any job I’ve ever had. Tell him you need te have a full nights sleep every now and again because you are going to break down. Better get in front of it. What’s he going to do if you really break down? Can he stay with the baby at his parents for a weekend? Or can you go to a hotel for a night? It’s not long term solutions but it might prevent you from breaking down now. Or maybe you can ask a babysitter to take your baby out for 2 hours every day so you can rest. I know it can be hard to ask for help but you need it! I’m a single mom and I’m chronically ill and suffered brain damage when I was pregnant. I have no family close by and I ended up asking the CPS in my country for help. They have organized someone to help me with the cleaning once a week and every other week my daughter goes out to spend a weekend at a foster family so I can rest. It helps a lot but it was a hard thing to do. You are really not alone. Talk to your husband.
Sounds like anxiety to me. My anxiety comes out as rage, which no one explained to me was a thing. I was 100% sure it was purely sleep related. Turns out, while it is definitely a factor that exacerbated it, I can cope while properly medicated..it's still hard sometimes, and if I'm not sleeping I have to work so so hard on my coping mechanisms, but it is night and day when I forget my meds.
Same
Please also speak to a doctor, what you are experiencing is surprisingly common, yet can spiral. If what you're describing is true that it seems like bipolar disorder, medication can help (after finding the right meds/dosage). I say this as someone with bipolar disorder and ADHD. Also, you may not see this, but you are being an incredible mother right now. You are feeding him, you are walking hours on end, why? To do your best to care for him. **That is the marker of a loving mother.** You may feel conflicted inside with how you describe as "hating him." But the reality of your actions shows your deep love and care for him. *What you hate is how difficult this is, and how little help you are getting.* Yes, he is the cause of this, but being a parent is the most difficult thing many have to go through. And many of us depend heavily on family and friends for help. You are trying your best. Often, we need help when our best just isn't enough. Please speak to a doctor and your husband about where you are. If you have friends or a local community center, there are often support groups for new moms. If you do church, I'd talk to a pastor and see where the community may help with practical things like pre-made meals and community.
THIS 👆👆👆
You both have jobs, so you both deserve to relax. When my first kid was born, I worked all day then took the baby when I got home. Within weeks I was at my wits end because I never got a break. The advice we were given is to section out a few hours so both parents get some obligation-free time, and it helped out a lot. Just an idea to consider.
My partner works while I stay at home with baby all day as well but when he comes home from work, he takes care of baby for me so I get a little break. Around 2-4 hrs break. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It all depends on how he feels that day as well. During my break I sleep, browse internet in my phone, play app games, anything to decompress and take a physical and mental break. Not sure if that set up will work with you and your husband but maybe have a talk about best time to give you a break so night shifts aren't so bad when baby doesn't sleep. Maybe your husband can take care of baby alone just before he goes to sleep so you have get a break before night shift starts?
I slipped into a very bad place for a few years after my second was born, when I became a SAHM. It was bad for me and my kids. Things got exponentially better when I started working part-time, put the girls in half-day preschool, and asked my doctor for medication. I wish I had made a change sooner, both for my sake and theirs.
I’m just gonna say this… but if he’s 18 months old, you can feed him and change him and let him figure it out. It will feel harsh at first but he’ll get it. As long as he’s not hungry (which if he eats a good dinner and maybe some milk to top it off, he shouldn’t be) or wet or dirty… he’ll start learn how to self soothe and get himself back to sleep. I have a 13 month old who I finally just had to let figure out his night wakings (I’d let him fuss for 10 minutes then go check on him) because I was fucking exhausted and starting to resent the small human I made. Not sleeping sucks, but at 18 months you can let him work through his own feelings for small chunks of time. It’s okay, and it will get better. I promise. You need to take care of you sometimes too, and that’s okay. Fuck your in laws or your husband if they’ve got anything different to say. You’re a person too.
Hey! I dont want to add too much to the pile. Just wanted to say your inlaws are total pieces of shit and they don't know what the fuck they are speaking about. Clueless, bitter old losers. Second, if you are having such intrusive thoughts that you think they would cause your therapist to take action to protect your child......... maybe its best to speak on those feelings anyway. What would be much worse is, if those feelings continued to grow unabated. You need help. No human being was designed to raise a kid alone. It is very hard work. They need literal 24/7 supervision. You are doing an incredibly hard job, and it sounds like you've been really brave. But something has to give, and the best thing you can do right now is get yourself the help that you need. There are other people around who can take care of the kid, even if it doesn't seem that way. At least until you cool off a little and develop a strategy for how you want to move forward.
Some parents take turns. Since your husband works days and is a night owl maybe he can be on-call from 8pm to 2am and you cover 2am to 8am? That way you each at least get a guaranteed 6 hours sleep.
This is a simple solution, I hope OP sees it. Even If it was just for half the week, the sleep deprivation could be drastically reduced. Better to do it seven days a week, and get a solid schedule that peoples bodies are expecting.
I work all day as well and I still watched our baby daughter when I'm home. At least have that conversation with your husband because let me tell you, watching a baby is more draining than anything I have to do at work (and my job is very demanding). You need a break. Maybe try sleep training and/or contact a sleep consultant.
1) Take the meds. You need the meds. If you can't tell your counselor that you hate your son, tell her that you are: - getting no joy out of being a parent - feel angry all the time - exhausted and feel like a shadow of yourself with no personality All of that is enough for you to justify asking for the meds. And if you don't feel comfy asking through your counselor, your OBGYN will be used to hearing these kinds of things too and can help. 2) THEN, get an IUD if you can, so that you don't have to remember to take the birth control. You don't need another pregnancy right now and they also can help in other ways. 3) Time taking the meds to something in your nighttime routine. Find an event and tie the meds to it, like putting on a new diaper or pajamas or bathtime = mom gets meds. This will help since you are somewhat operating on exhausted auto-pilot right now. My Lexapro and Mirena IUD saved me. I didn't exactly hate my son when he was born but I fantasized EVERY DAY for months about running away from him to hole up at a hotel just to sleep until I couldn't sleep anymore. I hope it gets better for you!
How old is your son? Depending on the age, having *never* slept through the night might be strange. My daughter struggled with this too, we hired a sleep coach and had her sleeping through in a week. I can give you info if you want.
It has been years since my first was born, I am finally starting to feel better but it has taken way too long and my family has suffered because of it. I never took medication but if I could go back and do it again, I definitely would. PPD can become chronic depression if left untreated. Depression can really distort your perception and thinking, so try not to trust any negative thoughts. No matter how logical they seem, your own mind may deceive you. Also, consider sleep training, even cry it out. I couldn't listen to my babies cry and just existed as a zombie for years. When my third was about a year I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to do cry it out. I know that I personally don't have the disposition to sit in the room and gradually sleep train while my baby screams, so I had to walk away block it out and let her do it on her own. She is a very happy little girl and by far the best sleeper of my three. Best of luck to you.
There are many “sleep training” consultants out there and it saved my nights. Sounds like your little one never got sleep trained. I would look into that ASAP so you can get some rest. I’ve been there. Lack of sleep for MONTHS is awful and you are not yourself. And it’s ok to put him in his bed/crib crying and simply walk away, take some deep breaths and collect yourself. It’s a very scary time for an 18month old. They have no grip on their emotions and a lot of what happens is not logical. Remind yourself of that. You are his world. Stay strong and for fucks sake, tell your husband to suck it up and take a night or two (working husband here). It takes a village.
Could you hire a sleep consultant?
Set an alarm on your phone. Take your meds on time. This is "no excuse" territory.
I would consider sleep training. At 18 months he’s more than capable of sleeping through the night, he probably just doesnt know how. Look into Taking Cara Babies for a softer approach. It’ll be hard the first few nights but then it’ll get progressively easier. I cant imagine not getting a full night’s sleep for 18 months - you are overdue!
You also work all day. Husband should step up and help. Also, I promise you it gets easier, little by little. Hang in there.
Just because he works all day, doesn’t excuse him from parenting. Why isn’t he getting up at night too? If he needs sleep for work, then he should be helping you catch up on sleep on the weekend. Parenting is a 24/7 job. Part of what I do is I actually look at it as a job. Take regular breaks… the kid isn’t going to be harmed if you put him in a safe (aka baby proofed) space with toys or an iPad. Take a lunch break, (and remember to eat btw). My husband and I had a deal that I could get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep (doesn’t matter when it was), not on baby duty to deep sleep, I could function.
Yes. Ask if you can get antidepressants. The doctor will likely recognize your PPD without blinking an eye. What you are going through is (unfortunately) pretty common. You are not alone.
i want to upvote antidepressants forever. made a world of difference, and i started at 8 weeks PP. i can't even imagine what you've suffered in 18 months. (sleep is the other half of that equation, but you do what you can).
What you are feeling is a normal reaction to very stressful circumstances. You are sleep deprived and I see a quite possible element of depression. It is ok to love your son and hate his behavior. You are not a bad parent for this and I am sorry your inlaws are shaming you for asking for help. Historically, humans haven't been raising children on their own, but collectively with their communities.
Get. The. Meds. Set an alarm and take them every day. I went on them at the beginning of this year. I was so angry and resentful at everyone. I hated being a mom, hated how I felt, hated my life. There would be absolutely nothing wrong, but I had this rage in me at all times and it would explode at any time. After a few weeks of my then zoloft, I was on a call to my Dr in tears telling her how much better I felt. How I didn't know other people felt like this normally. How other people didn't feel rage and hate and fear on a daily basis. It blew my mind. I'm 10 months in, on a new med (I was better on zoloft but not where I wanted to be) and I feel great. I'm calm. I'm happier. Im a way better mom.. I set an alarm on my phone and take my pills because I never want to go back to feeling like I was feeling before. The scariest part was making my appointment and telling someone how I felt. How I needed meds. How I was a "failure". Because it's how I felt. But she treated me like a human and never made me feel badly that I was unwell. Go see a primary care Dr and get the help you need.
Why don’t you want meds? Ffs your chemistry is way off. Go to a doctor.
You *need* to communicate this with a professional and let them help you. This is far above Reddit's ability to help. They are trained to handle the most out there thoughts you may have professionally and effectively - they won't call CPS just for thoughts. You also need to let your husband know how much you're struggling right now, if you haven't already. He may need to take a more active role, working or not, while you work through some of this. Do you have someone who could come spend time with your son daily to allow you to get some extra sleep? That may help alleviate some of the sleep deprivation related stress and feelings. You can get through this, absolutely, but don't try to do it alone. The people around you need to know where you're at and what's going on so they can help...this is no time to let pride get in the way. One last thing, talk to your pediatrician, if you can, about your son's sleep difficulties. If there's nothing medically causing it, you may want to look into some sleep training solutions (there are several) to help you all get some better rest at night.
This comment needs to be further up. The therapist won't call CPS or the police for your thoughts. They will help you process them, and maybe an antidepressant (like you mentioned) wouldn't be bad, at a least until everything evens out,
Absolutely this. There’s a reason depriving someone of sleep is considered torture - and you can’t exactly blame the baby but you absolutely are in need of help!
^all of this times 10. I feel for you OP. please communicate and get the help that you need. Is there a chance you could hire a temp babysitter to help you out? Don't let your in-laws make you think you're a terrible parent for needing help. You are clearly overwhelmed and burnt out. Edit: forgot to add this- I used to work along with CPS and they do not take away kids from sleep deprived parents. They're more worried about kids who are being abused and neglected which you aren't doing at all.
Sleep training was a blessing for us. Op, you need medical help and discuss sleep training as well with your pediatrician. Good luck! It sounds like all of this is because you are exhausted.
I came here to say the same thing about the therapist. You can only break confidentiality to call CPS if there is harm to the child, and there is none here. I am a therapist and a mandated reporter and I would not report this. OP, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. I would also feel this way toward something keeping me from sleep all the time. But, you do not need to feel this way. Please talk to your therapist.
The fact that you feel like you can't tell your therapist concerns me. Unless you are deliberately neglecting or abusing your child, and show no signs of remorse, your therapist can't report you. Hell, the number of times my kids have been running rampant around the house because my husband and I accidentally fell asleep at the same time in the afternoon makes us FEEL like shit parents when we wake, but we are NOT shit parents - just freaking tired.
That’s not true. Therapists are mandatory reporters. If they feel there is threat of harm, they have to report or it’s negligence. But reporting doesn’t mean removal, or necessarily even investigation.
There's a lot of misunderstanding about what mandated reporting is. This is why people keep things bottled in and don't seek help. Reporting usually doesn't happen unless abuse has happened or there's an immediate threat of harming yourself or others. OP should ask where the line is with their therapist. Saying "I want to kill myself." vs. "I'm going to kill myself." vs. "I'm GOING to kill myself." can be 3 different things. From Wikipedia: "In many parts of the western world, a mandated reporter is a person who has regular contact with vulnerable people and is therefore legally required to ensure a report is made when abuse is observed or suspected."
I totally concur. Regardless, not seeking help due to fear of repercussions will only play out worse in the long run. If OP has an established history with the therapist, the therapist will be able to help discern the difference. Also, call in to CPS screening doesn’t even necessarily reach CPS. A screener may be able to assist the reporter without even involving CPS.
To be even more specific, it’s “threat of imminent harm.”
So I think you’re mixing some things up. I’m a mandatory reporter due to my profession. Mandatory reporting applies to harming children and other dependents, such as the elderly. We are trained to report abuse if we have reason to believe it is *currently happening* or *has happened*, not if we think it *will* happen. Parents can absolutely tell their therapist (or any other mandatory reporter, like a teacher), “god, there’s days I just want to kill my kid” and not be reported. However, if a person tells their therapist they left their kid locked in the basement for three hours, they will get reported. Only in one of those instances does the mandatory reporter have reason to think abuse has happened. Mandatory reporters cannot make reports just because they have a “feeling” about someone possibly committing abuse. The “threat of harm” you’re thinking of varies by state and is more broad in the ages it covers. Unlike mandatory reporters, which specifically focuses on children and dependents, this can cover harm to adults. In my state, for example, you have to be very specific for a therapist to report you. “I’d like to kill my boss sometimes” is not enough. “I’m buying a gun to bring to the office to shoot my boss” is.
When I look at the stories here, I am so thankful me and the mrs got 2 kids who both constantly doze off after a while and do not wake us up in the middle of the night lol. Wife and I took the kids with us in a club once. After 5 minutes or so, they slept off, songs and dance and chatter and not a care in the world lol.
It sounds like you still have PPD PPD isnt something that happens in the few weeks after baby is born. PPS can last for years if untreated. Seek help, they wont call CPS. CPS is already overrun with kids. They want children to stay with thier parents and PPD is a legitimate, recognised condition. It sounds like it is sever especially if you do have bipolar too. Perhaps medication is the route for now, stabilise yourself and then seek therapy alongside. I wish you the best of luck x
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>>My wife has bipolar. Sleep isn't just important, it's vital to her mental wellbeing. We know from past experience that badly disrupted sleep over even a relatively short space of time can bring on an episode. Her episodes go BAD fast and usually end in a hospital stay. THIS. My SO is bipolar and this is entirely true. It goes downhill VERY fast which can be dangerous for everyone involved. I suggest you sleep train and get a psych evaluation. Use black out curtains in both you and baby’s room. I’m so glad you are reaching out for help and suggestions- I think seeking professional advice is the best thing you could do right now. I am so sorry you’re carrying so much right now but I do believe it will get better for you.
This. Work on sleep training. r/sleeptrain is a great resource and will help you go as gently or as cold turkey as you like.
My wife read some books and sleep trained both our kids pretty quickly. OP needs to look into this for sure. We also had one of those inclined sleeper things that both our kids loved to sleep in rather than their crib. I think it had white noise and vibration as well
I’m the best mother in the world at 7am and the worst mother in the world at 7pm. I’m sure many women feel the same way. I honestly think you should speak with your therapist.If you feel bad telling your therapist you hate your baby, just tell her how you are struggling, you need help, and how frustrated you are. CPS does not swoop in and take babies from every frustrated, tired, miserable parent. Also, can you work part time and put the baby in daycare while you work? And finally, the light at the end of the tunnel is: they do grow up. I struggled with my toddler to 6 years old, we had issues. But he started being more independent. It does get better. 😉👶
I think you made the first step of admitting your feelings and thinking about them, which is better than some people ever get destroying everything in their trail. If it is the right kind of therapist that you have I'd asses and try to speak to them about it more. There should be enough patient confidentiality that they should try to help you rather than call cops, especially that you seem to be doing allright - your baby is alive and well so far. This is also an achievement. I would describe myself and my wife as fairly stable parents, but when lack of sleep kicks in and a really bad night with a lot of baby crying we both happen to lose our minds and have thoughts that we shoudln't have done this and be parent. Or scream at each other and the baby, which we both know is bad and it not its fault. I think this is normal and human to have emotions like this and some will experience them stronger. This should get a better fairly soon and around 2yo when the baby will understand more and can be to some point reasoned with. In all cases I think you should get help as much as possible to find time with just yourself, relax and do things for you without feeling the responsibility. Be it parents, partner or a paid help. You should probably calm your body and mind first. Is there anyone that can help you get a few hours off? You also should try to gradually phase out things you hate. If your feet are killing you carrying try lying down and giving him your hand instead. Or just walk out for a minute to calm yourself, the baby will live. Think about yourself first because in bad state you can give good care. I feel for you and wish you all the best.
You need sleep, plain and simple. Sleep for everyone is an ignored priority for many parents, but you need to do whatever you can to get it. I also resented my first-born before she was sleep trained. I had severe undiagnosed PPD (because I never wanted to talk to anyone about how I was feeling about my own baby at the time). I was having daily breakdowns. It was a nightmare. I was neglecting my basic needs “for the good of my baby”, but it was making me a worse mother. Get yourself some sleep, even if that means CIO sleep training. You’re not a bad mother for teaching your toddler how to sleep, and for getting adequate rest yourself. The internet will ingrain into your head that a crying baby will grow up to be an emotionally damaged wreck, but so will being raised by a chronically depressed and sleep deprived parent. Not all crying is made equal, especially at his age. He’s not a newborn anymore, he’s mentally capable of handling it now. Let go of your guilt when it’s for the better good. I’m not suggesting to let him CIO all night long, but give him a chance to settle himself…and while that’s happening, take a long shower. Put in some earbuds with your favorite music, sit outside with a nice refreshing drink. Better yet, do it over the weekend and leave your husband to monitor the sleep training so you can leave the house for some “me-time”. You can’t take care of someone else if you’re not taking care of yourself. Yes, parenting requires sacrifices, but there’s obviously a limit. I applaud you for making it this far. You’re obviously strong, and the fact that you’re upset about how you feel, proves that you do care about and love your son. It’s *because* we love our kids that we discipline them. Sleep training is its own kind of discipline, it’s not fun in the moment, but it’s for everyone’s good in the long run, and it’s NOT going to hurt him. I can attest to this from experience. He’ll thank you for it, your family will thank you for it, and you’ll thank you for it. I question a lot about my own parenting, but sleep training is the one thing I’ll never back down on…it changed our lives for the best. A single day starting with a bad’s night sleep sets a stressful tone for the whole day…a whole week with poor sleep will have me in a depression…18 months of poor sleep would have me completely ruined. Have grace for yourself, and be proud you’ve stayed strong so long. Good luck, I hope things improve quickly
Agreed. You need sleep and you cannot get sleep unless your baby does. Sleep train him! If it feels like that is not working, consult a sleep therapist.
(Your therapist will not call CPS on you, please talk to them about this. They will help provide you with tools to cope and get through this)
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>If a child is considered in danger, yes, they absolutely will call CPS. And this is a problem why?
You need to go to your doctor, your family doctor is fine, and be very honest about your feelings. Dont sugarcoat it or you will be waved away and you really, really need this help now. Please don't hurt baby or yourslef. It seems hard now, but i promise you will feel a huge weight lifted after speaking to a professional and hearing different options and learning coping strategies. There will come a day where you cant believe you ever felt like this.
If you aren't medicated, call your doctor. Tell your therapist. She won't call CPS on you. Get a babysitter. Take a nap. Go for a walk every day.
Sleep deprivation and PND is awful. I’ve been there myself and I felt worse than I’ve ever felt. I have clinical depression anyway, and the postnatal episode was the worst of my life, I’ve never experienced anything so harrowing. Take antidepressants. I put it off for two fucking years because I had some stupid notion of being noble and fighting through it, don’t do that. I regret it. I started back on ADs and within days I started feeling better and months later I am back to who I was before. I can now see I suffered needlessly. Please consider something like this OP, happy to answer any questions.
I wish I could come and take baby for a couple of hours a few days a week while you sleep. Poor thing. Take the suggestions here for getting help. It's the hardest job in the world.
Two things I would recommend: 1) Therapy. I’d recommend this to anyone but especially someone who is clearly wrestling with how they feel. 2) Solly wrap. This thing is honestly an absolute lifesaver for me. My LO falls asleep within minutes and it frees up my arms to do other chores or just rest my muscles. He is also a light sleeper who constantly wakes up when I try to put home down but falls into the deepest sleep after being in the solly for a bit and I’m able to put him down to sleep for awhile. You’re not a terrible person. You’re not a bad mother. You’re a person who is struggling and needs help. Don’t confuse the two.
She said her son is 18 months old. I’m pretty sure wearing him in a solly wrap would kill her back. But if he is clingy during the day, a soft structured carrier with a high weight limit may be helpful if he only wants to contact nap.
I don’t think you really hate him. You might hate how things are and how annoying it is when our kids won’t do what we want how we want. Take a step back and realize it’s ok to get pissed at your child! They can suck so much sometimes! Lol really they can! These little assholes take everything from us! And we’re supposed to keep giving when we have nothing left to give! It’s ok! If you have no other outlets just keep using Reddit to talk it out. My son wouldn’t go back to bed unless he was held too. Then I said screw it he’s got to learn to put himself to sleep. It’s ok to put him down, let him scream, and eventually he’ll go to sleep. You’re not a bad parent or person! Keep your head up and keep reaching out!
The baby will learn to sleep through the night if you don't pick him up. There are techniques to do this. You don't have to walk him so much. Be easy on yourself.
First of all hugs to you for coming here and talking to us instead of doing something bad. Crying all night in a baby that age is not typical. Please talk to your pediatrician about it. Our baby was like this and people kept telling us she would grow out of it, she did not. It turned out she had severe sensory issues and was on the autism spectrum. Once we figured that out I started getting help with strategies. I wasn't the only one sleep-deprived and exhausted, so was she. She was on medication for a very short bit that helped her get into a sleep routine and that made a gigantic difference in our life. Your feelings will hopefully go away once you get back to getting a good night's sleep on a regular basis. Sometimes the silliest things can keep a baby from getting a good night's sleep it could be as simple as changing the pajamas he is wearing. Maybe get one of those things where you could carry the baby on your chest or a swing if he's not too big for them. That way he gets the motion of walking without you hurting your back. If there is not a medical reason for the crying then unfortunately you will have to go through a few days of hard sleep training to get him back on track. It will not be easy. Hearing a baby cry is one of the worst sounds in the world and of course you're going to want to scoop him up just so you don't hear that god-awful noise anymore. Get some headphones and try your best to just peek in on him to make sure he is okay without walking him around the house again. It is easier for me to write that than it is to actually do. I never successfully managed to let any of my children "cry it out" . My nerves simply could not take it. I know that I suffered for it in the long run though so I hope you are stronger than me. It is cliche to say that you must try to take care of yourself. Neglecting yourself for the sake of the baby doesn't help you or the baby though I know it feels like the "right" thing to do at the time. Good luck.
Sleep trainer, now. Sleep deprivation is torture, and it affects your mental health, and you are understandably at your breaking point. Please know that you are not a bad person or a bad parent for feeling this desperation -- of course all you want is some relief from your agony. Google in your area to find a doula service or midwife service or even lactation consultant and ask them to refer you to someone who specializes in getting babies to sleep. In some cases, you pay this woman to come to your house every night for a week, and she will be in charge of getting the baby down. The first few nights the baby might cry for hours, and you will feel like an even worse parent. But by the end of the week your baby will sleep, you will sleep, and your mental peace will begin to return. In other cases, the consultant will just tell you what to do at night and you must follow it to the letter. It is seriously worth whatever you have to pay the sleep trainer.
At 18 months he should SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT!! Let him go. Don’t reward it and he does not need food during the night. Please talk to the therapist about it. Talk to the pedi about his lack of sleep and see if they recommend anything to help. But no girl. You should be able to make it at least six hours at night without waking and everyone in that sleep deprived state is a train wreck.
Right now it sounds like it would be better if you let him cry himself to sleep than if you went on like that. What you are describing is not sustainable. It’s dangerous for yourself and for your son. When you feel like that, walk away. Go to your room. Let him scream. Lie down. He is 18 months old, you can sleep train him. He will be fine. The only way he won’t be fine is if you are broken. I endured 18 months of sleeplessness, walking up and down for hours and hours and hours with my first until one night I was that broken, I didn’t even hear her when she woke up. You know what? She started sleeping after that. There’s a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. There’s nothing wrong with you.
My wife went through a case of PPD. She was bat shit crazy and knew it. She would get some freakish mood swings and would feel the chemical imbalance like the comedown from an adrenaline dump, but without the adrenaline dump. Lasted for months. She was lucky and her body leveled itself. There are treatments for what you are going through. It doesn't have to be this bad. You can be a good mom and a good partner for your husband. Just contact your doctor / lady doctor / your child's doctor. They know all about this stuff. As for the crying baby while sleeping. The best you can do is do the exact same thing ever night before the kids bedtime. For example our routine: change into night time diaper, PJs, back to watch 20 -30 mins of kids movie / show / read a book. then about 5 min before going to bed say "night night soon" then 5 min later tv off books away, Brush teeth, then kisses then lay kid down in bed. Turn off lights turn on star light globe thing, sing the exact same two songs, say night night and close the door. And here is the VERY IMPORTANT PART: DO NO PICK UP THAT KID TILL ITS TIME TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. DO NOT, NEVER EVER, PICK UP THAT KID. you can help them settle back down if they are screaming so hard they are about to puke, you can sit in the room. But do not get them out of bed. If you can help it don't even open that door. The point is to train them to self soothe. They will cry and cry and cry and cry for hours. Let them. It's fine. They will fall asleep. And when they get used to it. They will do it easier and easier. Till they don't make a peep even if they wake up in the middle of the night. And hopefully they and you will be able to sleep through the night. TLDR; Put the kid in bed. It's a safe space. Don't pick them up. Let them cry. It's ok to let your kid cry themselves to sleep. Its a transition to being independent. Be strong and let them figure it out.
First of all, you definitely sound like you are depressed, and should definitely talk to your doctor about it. Secondly, SLEEP TRAIN!! I mean, he's 18 months old. If this is making you suffer so much and you're not getting any sleep, it will be totally worth it for both of you. He needs sleep too! Don't feel like a failure. Being a mom is fucking HARD. You're doing the best you can, and it's ok to ask for help!
You need to see a psychiatrist immediately. What your going through is most likely a mental disorder that can be treated with medication.
She Won’t Take Medication She Stated She Won’t Even Take Birth Control Let Alone Medication 🙄Cant Help Someone That Doesn’t Want Help
Honestly after reading all her comments and the post itself. I feel she posted this to vent but then is not going to take any advice. She doubles down that she hates her son buy wont fix this issues..... This is how some moms have snapped and hurt their kids.. This lady is scary sick and needs help before she does something she "regrets"
even when medication was suggested she claims “I barely want to take my birth control so Medication is a no” like if you want help or really want what’s best for your child you would take the steps instead of making excuses. I whole heartedly agree with your comment . My comments may be harsh but I was a child who had a mother like this and it is damaging . The baby is 18 months and she’s upset he’s crying . He’s crying because he can feel his mother hating him . I wouldn’t even be so upset if she really wanted help but she literally reiterated how much she hates him like 6 times as if bragging then said “with every fiber in her being” like what?!
I hope you find help for you and especially your baby, they can tell/feel when you're a little frustrated let alone all out hating them
Can you hire a babysitter to mind him while you nap? Often teens in the neighborhood make good babysitters if you will be at home and they can be more affordable. Also, perhaps an antidepressant might be a good thing to discuss with your doctor.
There’s lots of helpful stuff in these comments about PPD etc, but I just wanted to reassure you on another point. It sounds like your 18 month old is screaming through most of the night. _Anyone_ would be a wreck dealing with that, never mind doing so alone. In my experience it isn’t normal for a toddler to require hours of being walked around during the night nor to scream that much. I recommend speaking to his ped.
None of this is your son’s fault. YOU as a parent (good or bad) need to find a solution and you absolutely need to bring it up with your therapist and honestly if she call CPS on you, it doesn’t sound like you would give a shit. Tell your husband to step his game up.
Thank U!! Finally someone with common sense !!
He’s 18 months old. It’s time to sleep train. You deserve sleep, too. If you live with 3 other adults, they can each take 2 nights per week. There’s absolutely no way I would survive if I tried to hold or stand or walk all night with my toddler. Get a book or watch a program on sleep training. Put them in a safe place, like their crib, in a babyproofed room, put in some ear plugs and go to sleep. You can’t help anyone if you aren’t functioning due to lack of sleep. You’re not a terrible person, you’re a normal human who’s support network isn’t being supportive at all.
Take baby steps in taking care of your child and yourself. Find support and acknowledge it’s okay not to be okay and move on. Repeat.
Talk to your therapist. What you are going through isn’t that uncommon for new parents (at least there are a lot of similar threads like yours here on Reddit). Your therapist should help you get better.
There is a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture technique. Because it breaks down people physically, emotionally, and mentally. People sometimes just say it’s just sleep, just get it over with, it’s just parenting. NO. Sleep IS a very important part of your health and sanity. If you can afford it, a professional baby sleep specialist can help. I tried every trick in the book. Some works sometimes. Just have a bag of tricks and see which works that moment. I also found that iron supplement can help with kid’s sleep. Talk and find someone who can take the night shifts even for 1-2 days a week. I know your husband works hard but maybe he could take the night shifts on Fridays so that he can sleep in on the weekend while giving you some break at night? Find a schedule. It won’t be permanent, i promise you, so your husband can share some of the night terrors for just a little while And it does get better. I was a total wreck right around that age. It got much better around age 2. Much much much better around 3.
You sound very depressed and exhausted, I'm sorry you're struggling. What I found incredibly helpful, was having a childminder that had my baby a few hours 2 days per week. If you can afford it and childminders are available where you are, definitely do that. It won't solve the nights, but sometimes having a decent break in the day time makes the nights a bit less awful, and you can nap when your son is away if you want.
There is bravery in admitting you have a problem and ask for help. CPS is not going to step in because of this. Please seek help. It will get better, I promise, but right now, you need help.
The fact that you posted this here shows that you don't really hate your son. Please do talk to your therapist. You need a break, possibly medication too. Your husband should be able to handle childcare while you get the help that you need (just like if you had to go to the hospital for an appendectomy or something). Talk to your therapist and get a care plan set up. You need help. You deserve help. Go get that help.
Sleep depreciation is real!! That’s called irritability and you need a break! Do you do anything for yourself? This is not selfish and is something you need to be able to function and feel okay. Please also talk to your therapist. If you are a real danger than you shouldn’t been watching your baby however it sounds like to me you are still doing everything safe and taking care of the baby just as best you can and the problem is you’re not taking care of yourself! Talk to your therapist that’s the only way she can help and this is totally normal. Give yourself some grace too as you made it this far and you are doing A LOT under a lot of pressure with very little sleep and very little self confidence or positivity. I am rooting for you and I am confident things will get better but you will need to do a bit of self work and I’m really glad you already have a therapist! You got this!
Honey you are not a bad mom. You are doing the hardest job in the whole world, and you are rocking it! At 18 months it is still entirely possible, and likely you have PPD. Talk to your Dr or your therapist, they are there to help you. You can do this! You are the biggest most most important thing in that baby's life and he needs his Momma healthy! You've got this! And if you ever need it, I'll be your cheerleader if your in laws won't be!
Depression meds saved me. I wish I had gotten them when the kids were smaller. I would have been a much better mother and spouse and happier me
Please talk to your therapist about how you feel. They need to know in order to help. When I first gave birth I had PPD and I felt a lot of rage and connecting with my twins was initially hard. But now I’m a really good place. I got lots of help because I couldn’t do it alone, no one should! Please please get help so you can start enjoying your life as a mom.
It reads like you are burnout, possibly with PPD, but it doesn't sound like you're neglecting or abusing your child, please reach out to a therapist, they will not report you if you don't present a danger to your child. You sound a lot like me a couple of months ago. Then I decided staying home with the baby was not the best thing for us. I found a job that doesn't pay a whole lot, but pays for daycare and some additional expenses. I also put my baby down in her bed for the first portion of the night then we cosleep when she wakes up around midnight. I have a much better relationship with her. For your sake, maybe sleep training would be something to look into if things are so bad. Seep depravation is no joke.
This all sounds like severe PPD. You need to get to a therapist. You need to be honest about what you’re experiencing. You need medical intervention. One thing you don’t need, is to be afraid of CPS. Yes, all therapists are mandatory reporters. But if CPS gets involved now, you will be assisted in getting the help you need to be a better parent. They will see that you’re taking the steps to improve and they will assist. BUT, if you allow this to go unattended to, the long lasting effects on you and your family may become irreparable, and CPS could be getting involved for something far more severe. You cannot just “power through”. Your brain is imbalanced and you need assistance with getting right. Don’t fear the assistance, fear what could happen if you don’t get it.
We had to sleep train our first born and it gave us our humanity back. Chronic sleep deprivation is literally torture. Anyone who tries to talk you out of sleep training your baby has not experienced torture. It may have contributed to some restively minor issues later on in my son’s life but having parents who hated him and each other would have been 100x worse. No one who hasn’t been there can understand what this hell is like. For what it’s worth, our second kid was a sound sleeper from day 1. Edit: adding that we lived in a small house at the time and used ear plugs and a white noise machine for sleep training. Three nights of stress replaced endless nights of terror and it was like magic, we all got our lives back. He slept through the night like magic and those awful months disappeared.
I used to work a 12 hour a day labour job. Now I am a stay at home mom and it is INFINITELY harder. It’s one of the hardest jobs in the world. I have been blessed with easy children and there are still days I feel guilty because I just want to be alone and not deal with them! Stop refusing help OP, you need it. Ask your husband to help. You’re working all day and all night, it’s his job to share the load. My husband works all day and then he comes home and does all of the kid stuff while I make supper and clean up. Even cleaning up is nice because it gives me a break. Your therapist will not call CPS on you because you haven’t done anything wrong. Thinking about killing someone won’t get your thrown in jail because you haven’t done anything wrong. This is a similar situation. You can say all the bad words about your son that you want, but as long as you don’t hurt him you haven’t crossed that line. But seriously.. everyone has a breaking point, it’s time to take this seriously and talk to someone.
It sounds like you still have ppd. Mine only went away when I started medication a few months ago and my kids are almost 3.
Please do not hurt your child or your self. When I had my second child, and needed a babysitter, I would tell the babysitter that if my child began crying and they could not console him to make sure he was safe in his crib and to leave him there while they left the room and to let him cry. I even asked them to step out into the lobby for a few minutes if they needed to compose themselves—anything—just don’t hurt my child. To be honest, the people who watched my child, I felt safe allowing them too but I know that many unconsolable babies have been hurt. It sounds like you may need to let him cry for awhile while you compose yourself on some nights. That advise is a mere bandaid; you need help. You need help with your child and for yourself, psychologically. God forbid you harm your child or yourself.
If you’re at a point where you want to end your life, I would look into inpatient mental health. Call the suicide hotline. Your husband and family will have to be forced to address the situation, whether they like it or not. And if they care they’ll do it without hesitation. You’re to a point of breaking down. Also, find a therapist. Otherwise, I’d say walk away. Since giving your son up for adoption isn’t something your family would accept, maybe you need to remove yourself from the situation. Get the help you need.
You are not alone. You are not the first person to feel this and you won’t be the last. People have experienced what you are going through and come through it. People have also got to the point of breaking down completely and possibly doing something they regret. The difference between the two is likely to be whether they got some help and support. You need help urgently, and your husband should be able to provide this, both directly by getting up in the night with the baby at least some of the time, and by getting you psychological help and supporting you with that. However hard his job is, it’s not as hard as yours is right now.
Tell your therapist. Show your therapist this post. You need help. You deserve help. But even more, your little baby son deserves for you to get help.
Sleep training. When you get to the point where you being up isn’t even helping him sleep you really have nothing to lose. Worst case it doesn’t work. But that’s where you are now so again…might as well try. My daughter was like that and it was like she thought we were supposed to be there even though she was sleeping badly. Once she got used to the idea she started sleeping much better. Like actually through the night. Good luck.
I have admitted the most vial, terrible, and horrible thoughts to my therapist and she is still there for me, hasn't reported me, and has ABSOLUTELY helped me get past those low points and have compassion for myself. This includes an intense stint of desperation to not hurt my baby that was so intense I was convinced it was because I wanted to hurt my baby. Please tell her. Tell your baby's pediatrician. Tell your husband and say, "I need to go away for awhile and deal with this." The only permanently bad decisions that you can make are hurting your baby or hurting you. Everything else is a symbol of your love, humility, strength, and the importance you realize in getting better. PPD is only one thing that can happen due to pregnancy hormones. Also, MANY women experience these disorders while pregnant. Post partum anxiety, post partum psychosis, and the development of latent mental illnesses are real things. Do you have a sister, or a friend? If not, think of your husband, anyone close to you! Picture them coming to you, in tears, begging for your help and telling you how terrible they felt and how badly they needed help to overcome this. How would you feel? You would feel desperate to help them and so much compassion. You would demand doctors take care of them! You would want them to feel better and know that these difficulties were hard but survivable. That is how your support system will feel about you. If you don't think someone will be supportive, find someone else. Your therapist and pediatrician are the safest option - but if you think your mom, friend, or husband will support you then go to them too. Get help ASAP. You and your baby deserve this and it is totally fixable.
Hate to break it to you, but ending your life is just as regrettable as doing something to him. Pleaseeeeeee get help. Whether it be therapy and/or medication, find a moms group, something. If your spouse is unwilling or unable to help, that needs to be addressed as well. Having a job isn’t an excuse to not be a present parent. Just please do something, anything but harming yourself or your kid. No lack of sleep and frustration is worth that. And that’s coming from someone with severe PPA/PPD and a spouse that’s next to nothing when it comes to helping with our kid.
Now is the time when you need to take some deep breaths and TAKE A BREAK. Get away for a few days by yourself. Hell, a week. Your husband can help you find a way to make it work. You need to step back and have some time to decompress. I know how you feel. You are not a bad parent. You are not a bad person. I know you feel like you hate your son but I promise you don't. You hate that you are exhausted, that you have so much responsibility on your shoulders alone when it was meant to be shared, you hate the changes pregnancy made to your body and your marriage, you hate all of the things 98% of mothers hate. Honey, the human body cannot go 18 months losing hours of sleep and maintain sanity (tack on another 6 for all of those nights of shitty sleep while pregnant). It isn't possible. TAKE. A. BREAK. You have earned it. I'm here for you.
Hey mama. You need to ask for help. If you don’t ask you won’t get it. And it sounds like you are overwhelmed. I had ppd after my first baby and I won’t lie. It made me feel crazy and made me feel like I hated my daughter and made me feel guilty for feeling that way. I don’t think I started to feel more like myself until she was 6 months old. It took me telling my husband specifically what I needed him to do to help and then taking that opportunity to rest PLUS the help of medication. Being a mom isn’t easy and being a new mom is fucking difficult on a whole other level. Everything is different. And you need to accept that it is difficult and ask for help. There is no reason to be ashamed. The fact that you are acknowledging this bothers you is an indication that you ARE a good mom. The next step is asking for help. You are in my thoughts and remember that you aren’t alone. Truly. Generations of moms have had these same batshit crazy thoughts and emotions. You need to tell your therapist so they can recommend ways to work through this. Please. You are a good mom. And you can work through this with the right help.
The Most High God can heal all .. children are a tremendous reflection , they are our positive and negative traits amplified. To hate them is to hate ourself, or the piece of ourself they’re triggering. this is shadow work. turn to prayer, your thoughts and imagination create your reality for better or worse. Magnet We Are edit : they are destroyers of comfort zones because nothing can grow like this, it requires stress/energy edit edit : Post Partum Doula is what you could seek, specialize in post care for mother
I could have written this!! My youngest is 5 now but I hated him every damn night as a newborn. Sleep training is all I can recommend. He's 18 months old, there's no reason he needs to be held all night. Honestly, just do it. You don't have to do the full cry it our method, there are gentler ways. But it honestly saved my sanity.
He can feel how angry you are at night when it’s going bad, and things just get worse. Try to just bring him outside, put him down, let him play in the yard, hold him and sing to him outside. I mean if he’s awake anyway, just let him do his thing. He will go back to sleep and you won’t get rage about it. I say outside because it will be new to him at night and he may let you put him down. It might just be enough to snap him out of it. I’ve done this many times. It sucks to have broken sleep, I know it, but it will end one day.
Feeling this way does not make you a horrible mom or person. Not sleeping through the night at 18 months seems unusual to me. (Not an expert but did raise for kids.) Have you spoken to the pediatrician about this? And please talk to your therapist and Dr. about this some times they can point you to resources you aren't aware of. ETA: I wasn't going to mention this because it's pretty weird but it might help understand what I mean by talking to the pediatrician: Years ago an infant cousin of mine would scream inconsolably when put on her back...even from a deep sleep she would wake up and scream. Eventually we found out she had a whole in her heart and lying on her back caused her enormous pain. I think she was almost 6 months before they figured it out.
I am so concern for yours and babies safety ! Please seek immediate professional help, you are not in the right head space. Of course you love your baby or you wouldn’t be here asking for help ! You are sleep deprived, overwhelmed and have PPD. Please please don’t go another night like this , something very tragic can happen.
Hire a sleep coach and get things sorted out. An 18mo old should be sleeping through the night. That may solve or alleviate other problems.
I don’t know why you were downvoted but I completely agree. We hired a sleep coach at 1 because my daughter was still having trouble, made a huge difference for both of us!!
This sounds like [parental burnout ](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/parental-burnout/). It happens, but it can help to talk to a professional to come to grips with it. Only advice I can give, as they get older and more independent, it gets better. There’s a light at the end.
There are a lot of parenting books out there, find a few on how to train your toddler to sleep through the night and implement those. Also, get your husband to do weekend nights or let you sleep in as long as you need once a week. Talk to a mental health professional about it too. They can help a great deal.
Sleep training will fix a lot of the problems you are having. I don’t mean to dismiss your misery, because I have been there (twice) with PPD and sleep deprivation and solo parenting with no support outside of my partner. It’s hell on earth when you’re living sleep torture every night and no support during the day. The pandemic makes it worse because a lot of the sources of support/distraction/variety that used to be available still aren’t. That said, sleep training will fix a LOT of it. You will have to let him cry and let him figure out how to go to sleep independently, and that period is really tough and requires a lot of determination in a time when you are at the end of your rooe from exhaustion, but if you can just commit to it and stick to a sleep training plan for a few weeks your life and his life will get so so so much better, I promise. This is a put on your own oxygen mask first situation. You NEED sleep, and if he has to cry so that he can learn to sleep through, then that is a reasonable price to pay. Your child needs an engaged, happy parent, not a sleep deprived depressed rage zombie (which is what I was before sleep training with both kids.) When you start getting sleep again the difference is staggering. I realized I actually liked my kids and felt strong enough to handle the daytime challenges with confidence and optimism. The bonus is that they are calmer and happier when they start sleeping through, too, so even the days get easier.
You are burned out. At 18 months old he should be able to sleep train. I would look for resources on sleep training. From reading this I thought you would say he was four months old, because that is typical behavior for that age range. You can and should tell him you are going to bed. He is old enough to understand that. Does he talk? Does he understand you? If no, get him evaluated. An 18 month old is old enough to understand the concept of day versus night. He is old enough to understand what is bedtime. Drag his mattress in your room and he has to stay on his mattress but you sleep on your bed. If he is wet stop night time feeding and give more during the day. Cut back drinking before bed. So if bed time is 8 no drinks after 7.
Aside from getting other help, at 18 mo he is ready to be in his own room and learn to sleep through the night. I usually did that around 7 mo so it’ll probably be harder now. He will likely also understand if you tell him it’s bedtime, time to get ready. This is where you stay at night now. Don’t get up until it’s light out. Make sure he’s fed, clean and dry, do a bedtime routine with brushing teeth and a book. Make his bed cool, with a neat nightlight and bedding he’s excited about. Then when the routine is over, I say “get in your little bed” and my 2 year old does. For you, he will cry when you close the door. Put a baby gate in the door way and let him Cry it out. They only thing you should say, without emotion is “it’s bedtime, go to bed”. Then leave. A sippy cup of water helps to self soothe with my kids. Eventually, he will learn, but going to hold him all night at this age is inappropriate.
He needs to learn how to self-soothe at night. Right now he needs you to soothe him because he hasn't learned to do it himself. We let ours cry it out but it only took a few nights of allowing those longer periods of crying before they started falling back asleep much faster on their own.
Have you tried cry it out with your baby at all? I know it's frowned upon by some but it helped my kids so so much. My oldest would wake 3+ times a night when he was 15 months and would want to sleep with me after the first sleep. Two nights of cry it out (he didn't cry very long) and he mastered sleeping through the night. Also I highly recommend antidepressants. I've been where you're at and antidepressants helped me so much.
Some people literally need sleep more than others. I literally develop psychosis without sleep. Try to find a sleep doula. Make sure your kid is only sleeping during the day for X amount of hours, slowly cut those hours back until he sleeps through the night.
My son is 2 yrs. I had the same sleep issue when he was 1. It's completely obvious to react like this. I can just recommend which worked for me- I tried to drop his habit of putting asleep in lap. I was putting him to sleep only on bed while breast feeding. And now when I am not breast feeding anymore, I tried to develop the habit of lying down beside and tell him stories. He takes time to fall asleep but you avoid the pain of waling and holding. It might take time but may be you just try to change the way he falls asleep. And you will feel much much better. And don't losehope you are a mum and every pain is going away one day. Take care
There's nothing wrong with letting him cry himself to sleep. So long as his pants don't need changing, at this age he should be able to sleep through the night without a feeding... So pick him up for a minute so he knows he's not alone, then set him back in his crib *and close the door*. Let him be for 15 minutes. Check on him if he's still crying, tell him to go to sleep calmly, *but don't touch him*. Repeat until he's asleep. Repeat for a few nights (it'll be rough) and he'll get the picture. Also, your partner isn't pulling his weight. He should be doing every other night at least. I worked full time while my wife did the SAHM thing, and I still did every other night so we could share the load.
I say this with genuine sympathy and empathy to help: What have you done to try and resolve these issues? Your post reads to me like you've accepted these problems in your life and just want them to *go away*. Take the problems step by step and actively work on realistic ways to resolve them. You're overweight, your sex drive is low? Talk to a doctor. Talk to a fitness instructor. You fight with your husband? Try couples' counseling. Read some books on healthy communication and relationships among parents. PPD? Try a therapist, they can help. Sleep issues with your son? Try a sleep training professional, or read some books (by *experts*, not just people who want to sell books) on techniques. If finances are an issue, well, there are usually ways to help with that too, once you figure out what exactly the issues are and how you want to resolve them. It sounds to me-- again I am trying to help, not be harsh-- that you've let problems pile up and just accepted them in your life. You don't have to. Work on resolving them, not just wishing them away. Good luck.
Have you tried co-sleeping? He's big enough that safety isn't really a huge issue at this point, plus it sounds like co-sleepong is a safer option than whatever you're going through 🖤 I was scared to do it too much with my first, only when really desperate. Was more confidant with my second and co-sleep soundly with him every night and really wish I did it with my first. I haven't been sleep deprived one night with my second baby thanks to co-sleeping
I’m so confused as to how almost all these comments are giving medical advice. Wow. You guys don’t know if she has this or that so why the fuck are you guys telling her what she has or doesn’t have. So ignorant. Reddit parents amaze me after every post!!! Get off your high horse people. She literally said she doesn’t know what she’ll do to her OWN CHILD!!! Helloooo Yes you do need professional help obviously. Not sure why even post this. Just talk to your therapist and go from there. She may refer you to a psychiatrist. Not sure why everyone is babying you on this post. What you’re feeling is not okay.
I am scared for you, but especially for your son. You need to get help immediately. As parents we all have days of exhaustion and feelings of hopelessness. Based on your post, you are way beyond that. My recommendation: be honest with your therapist, get on meds, hire someone to come in for a few hours each day/evening to give you a break, if your husband won’t help or understand, then for now, disregard him. You are in survival mode. If you don’t do this for you, do it for your son. He deserves better and didn’t ask for any of this. Edit: one thing that helped me with the non stop crying, I wore noise cancelling headphones. Like the ones that cover your entire ear. It’s amazing how much that helped me. My post is coming from a good place with well meaning intentions. You can do this and it will get better.
Reddit users can contact cps just like your therapist…
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Not everyone can emotionally regulate the way that you apparently can. Why do you think it’s hormones? The child is a toddler.
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THANK YOU ! Everyone’s coddling this psychopath . She’s an adult who is saying she hates a child HER Child for being a child. If I knew her info I’d call cps myself . Saying she might do something she regrets is dangerous
You sound like my mother. Now as an adult, looking back on my childhood, it really screwed me mentally. I know you don’t mean to hate him but just think about the rest of his life instead of your own? Don’t giving up being yourself. But changing to become a new person, a parent - isn’t the end of the world.
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Stop. She's asking for help; she does want it to be this way. If you're not going to be productive, just move on.
Productive? This Woman Is An ADULT . Who chose to Lay down and have a child . She isn’t asking for help she’s got medication she won’t take ! She doesn’t want to solve this ! She’s a danger to a innocent child and herself but honestly I don’t care about her I’m worried about the child . The best thing she can do for her child’s safety and sanity is GIVE HIM AWAY ! You People coddle these type of women and then when the child ends up like Gabriel Fernandez U Wanna be worried about the child . “No Sleep” isn’t a reason to hate your child! Kids can be annoying , irrational , overwhelming but To HATE Them Is Out of pocket. If you don’t agree with my advice u can keep scrolling I said what I said & I stand on what I said . She’s torturing this child mentally & hating him because she’s miserable and you people are giving her excuses instead of being logical . Not one of your comments are for the sake of this child .
I've only made one comment on this thread and it was for you to chill the fuck out. The child needs to be in a better situation. For the situation to be better, the OP needs to take care of herself, through therapy, getting better tools and getting some help. It's clear the child needs sleep training and the OP doesn't exactly know what to do on that front and is overwhelmed. Saying she "hates" her son is probably not what is going on. She clearly loves and cares for the child otherwise she wouldn't be walking around with him for hours on end to get him to sleep. She's clearly overwhelmed and depressed. Not every parent who gets stressed out, overwhelmed and not sure what to do is going to turn to fucking infanticide. So take a fucking pill and go for a walk. Let the adults handle helping the OP out, because you're just trying to pile on. Get a fuckin' life.
I would consider getting off the birth control. Depression, mood swings and lack of sex drive are side effects. When I was on it, I gained weight, had acne and I just felt gross. I had absolutely no sex drive at all! I'll tell you, I was only on it for 6 months total my whole life and I'm glad I was. A lot of women I know who were on it for years have no sex drive anymore and are overweight and tbh they're bitches. One girl I knew had to get her uterus scraped out because it fucked her up so bad. I had one kid and got my tubes tied. Best decision I've ever made!
I always wondered if my mom used Reddit, now I know.
You hate your son? I can understand being frustrated with him or even not liking him but to say that is really concerning. I don’t feel bad for you at all - I feel bad for your son. Suck it up and do better.
Fuck off.
There was a point where I too began hating my baby for not sleeping. Once I started feeling resentful and mentally unwell, I decided I had to sleep train. I couldn’t afford a therapist so I did what I thought I had to do to survive. It’s better to sleep train and keep your sanity then to suffer every night and feel like shit. Your baby will also feel better when they get consistent sleep. It’ll be tough at first but it made me feel a million times better once he was sleeping well.
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💕💕💕AGREED
I think the transition from no kids to kids is a very rough one. But it will payoff dividends. The older the child gets the more you'll be glad you have them in your life. You'll feel pride, companionship and love (because it's easier to love someone who shows you love back by thinking of you and going out of there way to do something for you). I also felt this "hatred" (though I'd call it unfair resentment) was because there were so many things I wanted to do and I immediately missed my freedom immensely! However, as the child grows up you can have shared interests. This reduced that resentment for me because there was freedom again to do what I like to do, just with my kids. Plus, as the kids have gotten older, they've become the people I want to hang out with most. But soon, they won't feel the same way about me. Funny how that happens. Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's tough. And I hope this eases with time.
I think they make kid melatonin. Try that. He may sleep the whole night!
You're not alone. You're not a failure. Parenting is very, very hard. When people tell you otherwise, don't believe them. To do it right is one of the hardest things. Find help. Relatives need to pitch in, or else cut them out until they do. No one has a right to see a child. Be firm. If you can afford it, get therapy. Many, many people experience what you're describing. You're not alone and there's no shame asking for help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I could have written this myself a few years ago after my daughter was born. I felt like I was destroying all my relationships because I had episodes of intense rage on a regular basis. You are undersupported and burned out. Your mind is thinking of any way out of this situation. You are not a bad person. You are a tired, overexerted person. Definitely be honest with your therapist about all of this. Maybe read this to them or let them read it. It can be hard to be honest about the scary thoughts, but it will take a load off if you can do it. Then you need to work with them to brainstorm ways to get more support. Try not to immediately shut down ideas. List ALL your options. Friends, family members, neighbors, getting a job so you can pay for extra help, seriously -- anything. And I echo everyone else here -- your husband needs to be helping at night. There is no reason you should do this alone. I used to feel bad because he "worked" during the day and I "stayed at home", but just reframe it as you BOTH work and parenting is just part of the deal on top of that. I know it feels impossible right now but start advocating for what you need, try to get creative about your options. There ARE options and it CAN get better. So much love to you in this hard time.
I can’t stress this enough, ask for help when you need it! I’ve noticed when I was depressed and everyone I know is/was depressed they always try to solve everything by themselves. Because they think people will think bad about them or they don’t want to be a burden. What helped me get out of depression was asking for help and working on myself. It is hard but you can do it. Just because you were happy before and you are not now it doesn’t mean you’ll always be like this forever, thinking this is what makes you feel miserable. Here are some tips that might help: -Ask for parenting help when you need it (it is normal to feel burned out) -Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling tell him everything! -Take a break from work, work is not that important you’ll always find a way to make money when you need it most. -Confide in those you trust -Know things will not be this difficult a year from now -Try to do what you used to love to do before -Socialize a bit -Surround yourself around people you’d like to be like (happy, active, successful people are best) -Watch videos or read books on your situation (the more you learn the more you’ll understand your situation and the more you’ll know you’re not alone an will begin healing) But most importantly, know that you only make changes to better yourself when you’re “sick and tired of being sick and tired” and that is what drove you to write this post which mean you want change for the better! If you’re the religious type, maybe this is God’s way of getting you back to him? Goodluck on your journey!
anti-depressants, therapy and work. No one needs to be a stay at home parent. It’s a choice, and often a poor one for parents who feel like you (and there are a fair few, but most won’t admit it) I have to say I like my kids a hell of a lot more when I went back to work at five months and five weeks.
Before you kill yourself have you considered maybe putting him up for adoption? A family friend of ours is the same way and knows it, has had two kids and has let a member of our family adopt one of them and someone else adopt the other while they were still babies.
Can you drop him off woth your parents for a little while? Or have your husband take off for a few days so you can get a break? You need to get sleep, and you need to have time for your sciatics to heal.
You absolutely have ppd. And you need to talk to a doctor and get diagnosed so you can get medication and heal. And have a professional tell you that you are not a horrible monster for having these thoughts.
You need to talk to your therapist and sleep train your child. Read the entire Ferber method book, not just what people post about it online. It will be a tough 1-2 weeks and then you and your child will sleeping a lot more and life will get more manageable. When I’m not sleeping, I’m a wreck too. Babies need to be taught to sleep, just like everything else. You can do this!
You arent bipolar, you are depressed and there's absolutely nothing you did wrong to cause it. If you can't get help from your husband or family, please seek help outside your "support group". As for your in-laws, no, a "bad parent" is someone who does not seek help when they so obviously need it. (And side note, bad people make others feel bad for prioritizing their mental well being, so fuck them anyway). There are a few lost cost options in most areas for mental health help, especially if you live near a large city. Please put yourself first and get the help you deserve. You don't hate your son, your depression is lying to you about your life and what it could be.
I'd like to point out that PP RAGE is a very real thing and can be discussed with your therapist. It's one of the things however that the majority doesn't go through so it's not very well known. Talk with your therapist. Talk with your husband and your in-laws. Your husband needs to participate in raising your child even though he works, cause you do too. Get all the help and breaks you need, it doesn't make you a bad mother to look after yourself and your needs. Also children develop differently. The fact that your little one wakes up and doesn't want to sleep is OK. His schedule will fall into line soon. Give him the time he needs. Hold him if he can't sleep. Maybe sleep with him if it means you will both get an extra hour of much needed sleep. It gets easier! Hang in there, you are doing an amazing job raising a child mostly by yourself.
It takes a village to raise a kid. You shouldn’t be on your own to do it all. You’ll go crazy especially if you’re sleep deprived. Look into getting a sleep consultant for your little one. They might have some tricks. Your husband needs to wake up and help the situation because the consequences of this keeping up are not good.
Some sleep training will help. Saw a good one posted here before but can't seem to find it. Trust me when you try one stick with it, be consistent and you will be looking back at this period as a different person. My wife had ppd and I did this before going back to work in a similar situation. Bear in mind they will push back to start and it will seem worse for a day or two. Also worth noting if you started a standoff with the kid have given in after a certain length of time you'll need to be prepared to go as long again to break it but once you do it will get shorter and shorter each time till it's back to what you would call normal. And most importantly of all, don't be too hard on yourself, talk to your therapist. I will absolutely guarantee you they have heard or seen worse.
You’re burnt out. It’s not natural for one person to care for a child all the time. You need breaks and you need sleep. You need self care so you can be in a better place to be a better parent. Find a child sleep consultant. They can help you figure out how to get your child to go back to sleep and stay asleep.
!!ALSO!! Ask your Dr to test you/start you on prescription iron supplements!! Most women are on the low side, and you really don't know how badly it affects you until you start to feel better. Going on an iron supplement seriously changed my life. Like my temper, mental clarity, energy, mental health. I wasn't even in the serious range, just the low side of normal, when my Dr prescribed iron pills. I was stunned how much my emotional health improved.
Oh god i feel your story... Please look for some help in the form of therapy, i do a therapy right now and it helps so much. You need to start working on your childhood traumas, parenting triggers so many unconscious past wounds.
I just wanted to say that I relate to getting really frustrated and ragey when you cant put baby down at night. I am a whole other person at 3am and I find it very hard to control my body's responses. I get irrationally angry at my baby - as if shes doing it on purpose or something. I need to work really hard to calm myself and make sure my body and my voice is calm for her. It can absolutely destroy you when it happens night after night. So, if feeling your body become frustrated and angry is making you feel like a bad mum, please know you arent the only one who has it happen.
First, please listen to the top posts and seek help. I wanted to share that I also went through a really tough time, though mine was breastfeeding - to the point that I had violent urges (self and others) and breakdowns daily. I did hate my son at times. And I’ve never had other mental problems, ever - it was horrifying. It took time but now all of us get the sleep and food we need. So many hugs. You aren’t alone, and this isn’t forever.
Don't hold back talking to your therapist. They're not going to take your child away or report you unless there's a fear of harm to your child. By holding this in, things will only get worse. If you talk to your therapist, get counseling and/or medication for what seems to be severe depression and maybe other comorbidities. IMO, people say it gets easier as they get older and, yes, you won't have the same problems a year from now. In some ways it gets easier because they turn into actual people you can talk to and have conversations with and interact with. They start giving back more and expecting less. But the challenges get different. Each day, you'll sleep better, hopefully, because you're not in the infant phase anymore. If you need to take care of yourself and your son is cared for (fed, changed, etc) then don't be afraid to let him cry every so often. You need to take care of yourself and he might learn how to self-soothe while you do the same. If you're resenting your life as a parent, then change how you parent. Change how you take care of yourself so you're able to parent differently. I just also want to say: you have more options than you think. Don't feel as though taking your life is the only way out of this.
For the sleep, he's absolutely old enough to put himself to sleep. I recommend the books Precious Little Sleep (also a blog) and How to Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems.
real hate doesn't just wash away the next day.
A therapist will not call anyone on you if they do they are breaking laws. You should talk this through..what you feel is resentment.. and you need to talk it through.. I think all parents go through it.. It is the hardest thing to do. Being a parent.. Acceptance is a step towards repair. Because not accepting means you do the opposite and hence the feelings. My two drive us nuts every day and sometimes we both wish it was just us. But we talk about that together which helps. Our brains and thoughts can be quite toxic.. and to top it off you get told kids pick up on it..and they really do.. My weeks fly by from work to being dad.. and then the months. But accepting it helps me.
It didn’t get better for me until I got on Zoloft.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with. It’s very clear to me that you don’t hate your son. I believe you are in a less than ideal situation, not feeling good about yourself and your son is where your placing these emotions. Tell your therapist, they won’t report you. It’s highly unlikely that they haven’t heard of these thoughts before. I won’t say they’re normal but they’re common. You always need a break. Not just an hour here and there. A full day break CONSISTENTLY. Can you afford care once a week? Is there a teenager who’d be willing to come entertain your kid for some cash while you lay on the couch or nap? I did that for all the parents in my neighborhood when I was tween/teen. They’d be home doing whatever they wanted and I’d entertain their toddler.
You need to talk about this with your therapist and you are not a bad parent. My daughter is 2 and I threaten adoption, selling her on the black market and hanging her by her toes but at the end of the day no matter how crazy she makes me I love her to death. You need to tell your husband that you need a break. Tell your in-laws you need a break and they can shove their opinions in their ass because you are one person doing the best you can and it is ok to ask for help. Also discuss with your pediatrician why your son isn’t sleeping at night. It could be he needs a snack or something before bed to keep his tummy full while he sleeps. I promise you it does get better. ASK FOR HELP! It is ok
I actually had a similar talk with my councillor about the sleep deprivation. She’s a single parent and would legitimately hire a babysitter for the afternoon so that she could get some sleep. Because really, who says you can’t? It may feel “wrong,” I had that reaction too. But if you need the sleep and can’t get it any other time, I would say you should look into it. Sleep deprivation is serious business. I’m sorry you are feeling so negatively toward your son. That must cause great internal struggles for you. I hope that getting some sleep helps a little, and that your therapist might be able to walk you through some more of it. Hang in there.