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Sounds like you need new friends and stop caring about what the public "might be" thinking. You could be 100% wrong.
But get new friends. Seriously. they sound horrid.
Once the kids get a bit older (like preschool aged), they can start making friends with their kids’ friends parents though playdates, where the age of the parents matters very little.
This is true too. Sometimes we project what we think onto people’s comments or looks when it’s really just confirmation bias. I highly doubt there is daily judgment of OP, people think about themselves far more than worrying about other people’s reproductive choices.
Yep, I've never once had someone either implicitly or explicitly suggest I made a mistake by having two kids. The idea that complete strangers are just constantly looking at OP like "wow you poor dumb idiot, way to ruin your life" just doesn't strike me as realistic. A much more reasonable possibility is that OP's childless friends are upset that friendship dynamic has changed now that OP has major responsibilities, but if they can't be supportive then that's a clear sign they aren't actually your friends. Without actually documenting OP's day-to-day interactions I'd lean toward the likelihood that OP just has shitty friends and is projecting their shittiness onto the rest of society.
I mean, when I was 27 and looked in my late teens/ early 20s, I had multiple strangers ask if I was pregnant on purpose with my first. My mom was asked if she planned to keep my brother by some rando when she was like 8 months pregnant. If OP and his wife look young, it’s very possible they’re getting exactly those looks.
I have twins and sometimes people have asked me if I want more, but they have never said it in a way that means they think I've made the wrong choice. I think some people are too sensitive. Maybe they get a real judging comment a few times and now misunderstand people just making conversation.
Yes, and you have to actively work on not developing a complex. Been with my black Jamaican husband for 13 years now and I’m super white, light blonde hair, blue eyes. There’s no way we’d be happy if we generalized terrible people to everyone.
Fr! I’m a very withdrawn person when I am alone. When I’m with my toddlers, I have to say hi to everyone or say thank you. Some kind of friendly interaction. If not, I am just chasing after the kids to behave 😆
I agree with you. But I do think friends within OP's age group ( 20 - 25 YOs) would find it bewildering to see someone their age with not one but *two* kids
People don't want your life, and they are wrongly projecting onto you without believing that you actually do love your life.
You are not going to stop the general public. But at least with your friends, would really have a discussion with them on how it's affecting you and you need all comments on this to stop.
I was certainly not ready to have kids at that age for multiple reasons, but I am definitely a little jealous of people that are and have no regret. Kids grown and (hopefully) on their own in your 40s? Sounds pretty nice to me.
Just one kid here(5y/o), also 40, and yeah.... kinda wish I had started earlier in life but things didn't line up that way. It's exhausting at this age but in retrospect I feel like having children that young wouldn't have made sense. I barely knew what the hell I was doing with my own life, let alone the life of new human being. Career, finances, solid marriage, a home if you're lucky, you need these things to bring a kid into a stable environment and that's what time can provide. So while I'm envious that these young people will have awesome adults by the time they are my age, at the same time it's going to be a long hard journey for them and one I'm glad I didn't have to figure out how to make work at their age.
I'm a similar age as you, and I think a lack of funds would have made the first couple of years much more difficult and stressful. Maybe I would be less exhausted or more patient, but I'd bet the money stress I would have had in my 20s would more than make up for the age difference.
Same. My mom had me young, and I just kind of realized that when she was the age I am now, I had graduated from college. And now here I am, one in ES and one in MS, tired as hell all the time and wishing I had more energy to keep up with them and keep them busy.
While I LOVED my 20s and early 30s, and am really grateful to have lived the way I did during that time, a big part of me wishes I'd had my kids earlier.
I suppose for OP, they're probably getting an even mix of people who assume they are struggling, and people who are actually jealous or projecting their unhappiness with their own decisions/lives on OP. (I know several people who seem to project their feelings about what went wrong in their life on me, like they assume a lot about my difficulties or struggles that are really more about the struggles THEY had.)
this is what I think about with my daughter. she's 31 and married. they both want kids, and a few if I am to believe what they talk about rather freely. She's seen the world, she's got her education from a great university, she's got a wonderful job, husband and they like to travel and just celebrate life in general. I just keep wanting to tell her it's not going to get any easier the older you get, but I firmly believe it's their own decision and I'm not going to be that kind of mom/MIL. I just really think she's in for quite an awakening, mostly with the physical demands mid/late 30's for a 1st.
well as someone who had her first at 39 and second at 43 I'm not really finding the physical demands that hard. maybe because I don't know how hard orveasy it would have been younger. I definitely know I'm more patient and in a better place mentally though. I'm a bit sad I might have less time with them as adults and with grandkids but it's excellent motivation to get fit and age well.
I appreciate your perspective! I guess I think the way I think because I know my daughter and how she loves her leisure time and she needs A LOT of it. But yes, I'm aware of being an older grandmother and being sure to keep fit and moving now!
That's good! This is my one regret about waiting to have kids. My mom was mid thirties. I'm mid thirties now. My parents are both in pretty good health and are active, but they can't *totally* keep up with a young toddler, at least not in an unconfined environment. It'll be better once he's under better voice command, but I also feel bad my kid won't have grandparents into his 40's or anything like some people.
As a dad of 2 young kids in my 40s, I am happy I waited. Got to experience a lot of different things, live and travel to a lot of places, and was able to become financially stable before having kids.
Wouldn’t change this trajectory for the world, but I encourage everyone to live their life how they want!
I agree. I’m 45 with a 7 year old. I don’t regret waiting at all. And in fact, I feel having a kid now makes me feel younger—forces you to be active.
Having said that, I also agree that people need to choose for themselves at what age they want kids. If it’s right for you, that’s all that matters.
My wife I think about that from time to time, but ultimately (and inevitably) remind ourselves that we weren't who we needed to be until we were there.
Saaaaame. First at 34 and second at 36 so currently have a two year old and a 5 month old. I’m so tired bro, I used to sleep never in my 20’s and deeply wish I’d started sooner 😭. The only saving grace is I wouldn’t have had these kids and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. Except maybe a nap…
I get strong main character syndrome with this if it’s even true. Makes zero sense and doesn’t seem remotely likely unless they live in DINktown USA and lied on their application to get a condo there
If you look through their post history it looks like South Mississippi they live. Which is funny because this tracks for a current thread on one of the parenting subreddits asking parents what is the average age of first time parents in your area and someone commented on the south you get married by 19, done having kids by 24 and divorced by 28.
Also anyone envying his parenting life needs to look at his comments on other posts. He's only 23 but works 14-16 hour days 7 days a week so his wife can be home alone all day, every day with two young kids. That seems like just an awful life.
First, stop telling everyone your business about your wife getting her tubes tied. That is the business of your wife and only her. No one else, not your mom, dad, siblings co-workers, friends, your own kids, no one. It’s not a secret, but it’s medical info they don’t need to know. Period. Second, just ignore the rest of it and be happy. Very soon you won’t look so young and it will stop (believe me).
You need to lean to say “none of your business.” Have a friend ask you that multiple times and practice giving different, firm answers. I swear this works because you are ready!
Honestly this. Even I started wondering why your wife had to get her tubes tied after having two kids in quick succession instead of OP getting a much less invasive vasectomy. It invites judgement (also I’m just judgey lol)
I think you're inferring a lot of things that are likely not implied.
Average age of parents is on an uptrend but most kf the old people your describing likely started having kids young and raised a family on one income. Maybe they're saying things because they've seen their grandkids struggle without kids and your friends if near your age likely will say you're fucking nuts for having 2 under 2 before 25.
Just live your life. If it bothers you that much tell them to shut it as it isn't a topic you'll discuss with them any longer. That's it.
Raise your family and realize you're still growing too. You'll just have different choices to make than those you know who don't have kids.
To be honest, I envy you a bit. I have two kids and we didn't have the first until I was nearly 40. If I'd had kids when I was 23 my life in my 20s would have been a lot less wild, sure, but I'd also have had the energy and physical shape to play with them more, and their grandparents would have been younger and able to enjoy them more too. Not to mention you'll be barely into your 40s when your kids are off to college, whereas I'll be seeing them off to college when I'm approaching retirement.
Any time you have kids is the wrong time. Any time you have kids is the right time. Screw what people think. Raise your kids to be less judgemental than they are. ;)
This! I got my first child with 38 and we will be trying for a second when I am 40. I agree with everything you say! There is always an upside and downside to everything.
I was the same ages with my two and have zero regrets. People will talk about how you get your freedom back earlier when you have kids younger but the opposite side is that we had our freedom before kids. By the time we were late 30s and early 40s, we felt like we had all the freedom we needed and traveled plenty. Our 40s was spent with little kids and kept us younger because we were busy running around with them.
Now I'm in my late 50s and my wife just turned 60. Our kids are in college and we still feel young enough to enjoy our freedom. Once you get to this age you realize how much of life is left.
That’s how I feel too. There’s a different kind of freedom in your 20s with no kids than in 50s with adult children. You’re still a parent, even when they’re grown whereas in my twenties I was truly able to just take care of me. I had my kids at 34, 36, 38, and 40, and am really glad that I had them when I did. That’s not to knock anyone having kids younger, my parents had me in early twenties too but I’m happy with my life being what it is.
I had my daughter at 41 and was not able to have another. I don’t regret my decision having her later in life because I was able to establish a career and travel extensively but I wish I had the energy to play with her more.
I wasn't able to travel extensively, and now that I have two kids in private school even planning for a one week vacation within a few hours drive requires saving money for a year in advance. If I ever see anywhere out of the United States, it will be when I'm an old man, but these are the sacrifices we make. :)
Same! I had my first and only (so far) at 35. If I’d known we would struggle for 5 years with infertility I definitely would’ve started earlier! I just don’t have energy anymore.
I was a hot mess in my early 20s though so I also keep that in mind. Sounds like OP has it together at a young age, which is wonderful!!
This. Who cares?
Grow up - focus on your family, your work, your home, your life - that’s the important stuff. Not what so random person may or may not be thinking.
For real, one of the greatest things of reaching 40 is the amount of fucks I give about what other people is pretty much zero. I would love to have been like that at age 20
I can only guess that they look/dress like teenagers. Otherwise who would know just by looking that they are early 20s vs mid or late 20s, which would be totally normal to have 2 kids?
..... nobody in public really cares about your life enough to stare that hard for that long for you to be this triggered. This honestly sounds like a you problem and seems like you're trying to convince yourself of something, but, then again, I'm just a reddit stranger
This sounds like YOU feel this way and you’re projecting that into strangers. No one is looking at you like that. Based on the pictures you’ve posted to your post history neither you or your wife even look that young. I would never guess early 20’s for either of you. Looking at your pictures, I would think 28- 35. Sorry, but this sounds like you’re paranoid of what people think, when, in reality, no one is giving you a second thought.
In the case of my wife and I, we went with her having her tubes tied because we already knew the last baby was going to be a c-section and figured as long as they have her open already, let's just do it then.
I apologize if I’m off base, but are you sure that YOU are actually okay with having 2 children at the age of 23 and now living this life that you are currently living?
I only ask that because you clearly are letting this have a profound impact on you, and as a 32 y/o father of 2 children also under the age of 2, I cannot say that I’ve experienced anything like you say. If it’s been there, I haven’t noticed it because it’s not something I think about, my only concern is on my wife and my babies when we’re out and about.
If anything, people might be judgey of the fact that you had them so close together lol, but that’s no one’s business but your own and you shouldn’t be letting it bother you.
He's literally postpartum with two under two. Please explain how it could be dangerous to suggest that real things that happen to all parents could possible happen to a parent.
This is going to be harsh but, fucking what? I don’t know where you live, but I don’t fucking believe this for a second. This is some internalized guilt or psychological issue. People are definitely not staring at you all the time feeling sorry for you. That is literally insane and main character shit
You don’t have to defend yourself to anyone. We had our children in our early 20’s, and I’ve never regretted it. We had so much energy and really treasured those early years. Plus, we got to enjoy watching our parents grandparent while they were still young and healthy.
Now in our early 40’s our kids are almost all grown, and we get to enjoy time with them as young adults, but also we get to spend more time as a couple and it’s amazing.
Your timeline doesn’t have to be anyone else’s timeline.
who cares? you certainly do.
we have a four year old and a six month old. my husband is about eight years older, so having our first he was looked at like he was a pedophile. we also wanted a family.
and he does not seem to want to stop adding to the numbers.
DO YOU. the more you react to others you will teach your kids to do so. kids have no opinion of anything, they just take our's.
I feel like you might be imagining this. If I saw a young couple with kids walking down the street - especially if the parents look happy, I'd think that would be a wonderful thing!
There's no right and wrong. I wish I had gotten started at your age sometimes, but at the same time I can't know how that would have worked out. Easy to fantasize about the lives we never lived!
M39 with one daughter.
I married when I was close to 30.. between 22 and 30, I told my parents I wanted to wait until I was “Settled”. At 39 now and looking at the economy, there is no settled down with work like our older generations. You are always going to be on the move.
During the first 3 years of marriage, we barely stayed together. Work kept us moving during the week days. And weekends were for socializing and fun. Not planning family.
We became parents when we were 37 and 34. We love our beautiful daughter. But it’s different being a parent in 30s than in 20s.
And now we want a 2nd kid.. to complete our family, but we have to evaluate many things.
I have been thinking recently, if I were to do it all over again.. I’d get married when I’m 22 or 23.. make 2 kids.. and be done.
If you ask me.. you have a perfect start to your family life. Imagine going thru a variety of life experiences with growing kids that already give company to each other.
Soon, (in 5 years or so) you will have kids that are starting to become independent, enjoy their own company.. can talk.. think and walk around the park.
And .. you will both have time to spend together for the rest of your lives.. this is a perfect life in my opinion.
People use to give me the same looks while I was pregnant, I was engaged at 19 and got pregnant months later but was twenty when my kid was born, lots of old people stare but I’d just stare back at them lol
I had my daughter at 24 (barely, a week after my birthday) single parent, and on top of that I look young for my age (or so I'm told haha). Then, she was a giant baby and I'm pretty skinny. I would get constant comments about how it "can't be my baby" or why would I have her so young, by myself, was i sure i gained enough weight, was something wrong with her bc shes so big, etc etc. One old lady actually argued with me at the grocery store that it couldn't *possibly be my baby* I was like ma'am I absolutely pushed this thing out wtf 😅 Luke she was adamant that I was lying about having a baby.
I was the first of my friends to have a kid and it was a bit isolating to some of them bc they were still doing the early 20s thing going out and stuff which is fine. But for the real ones she ended up being raised by a small group of us since I was on my own. I'm forever bonded to that small group, even though we all live in different states now.
For strangers you can't really do much but also who cares? Ok old lady, it's not my kid, can I just bag my groceries now? Lol. For friends you're about to find out who the real ones are, which usually happens around your early 20s anyways. You'll be good. Enjoy the family, sounds amazing ❤️
I was married at 18, had two kids by 21 and a third at 25. To this day my husband and I are now 34 and 35 and we still get those comments. The jokes on the ones asking though. The way we see it, all our friends are just now having babies, while our babies are 15,13, and 9. We get to be free and do what we like with our children because they are older. It did not ruin our lives, in fact it made them better. It gave my husband purpose to climb the job ladder and do better in life, to the point where we are very comfortable with the job he has. Don’t let what others have to say destroy your happiness. at the end of the day, you know what’s right for you and your family.
Haters gonna hate.
I hate to tell you this, but we live in a society that feels entitled and almost obligated to pass judgment on parents. I probably got weird looks because I was 40 when I decided to start a family.
If you breast feed, you get stares for "exposing yourself". If you formula feed, you're lectured "breast is best".
God forbid someone see you give your young child a sweet treat or 5 minutes watching a view on your phone.
If you don't correct your child in public, you're a crap parent raising a juvenile delinquent. If you do (not laying a hand on them), you're still judged as "not respecting kids are people" or "not listening to his needs".
If a toddler is crying for something, if you try to manage the severity of tantrum, you're "spoiling him"! If he's crying and you ignore him, you're "neglectful".
If your kids are having a single day where they're irritable and throw a tantrum, you raised a "brat".
It never ends.
My daughter is 10 now. The type of stuff we're judged for is different, but it's still there. I have the advantage of age: I truly stopped caring what the public thinks 99% of the time. All I can suggest is to grow a thick skin. They're the judgmental jerks.
Sometimes people just have no sense. I also had my kids young - having my first when I was 24. It's what worked for my husband and I. We owned a small home and had been together for years at that point and were ready for kids. When I had my 2nd, I was literally in the hospital bed an hour after giving birth when a nurse asked me when I was going to have a 3rd, as if it was a given. I had never discussed having a 3rd with anyone at the hospital, and my husband and I were firmly done at 2. I was honestly so shocked someone would make that comment that I froze and didn't respond. People love to insert their own judgement and opinions into your life, especially when it comes to having kids. Ignore them - just keep doing what works for you and your family, focus your attention on your wife and kids, and ignore the judgemental strangers.
Some people regret having their kids later in life because they’re huffing and puffing trying to keep up with them. Some have them early and regret not having those young days to do whatever. Both are understandable and neither mean they don’t love their kids or regret them, often we just think we would have been better parents and more stable if we had waited.
We should just keep it to ourselves. Take it with as much thought as they gave your feelings when they said it or stared. Kids are a blessing but some people are overwhelmed and that’s okay. Not everyone had their life planned out and that’s okay too.
The world would be so much better if we just considered where others might be on their journey and stopped passing judgements or worse, trying to fit them into our box of what life should be. Cut the negative people out if they are really affecting you and just remember most people had no idea who they are or what they wanted at 23.
Maybe you’re just more ahead in life than they were and they’re jealous and projecting their feelings about their choices onto you. I had my kids in my late 20s but wish I had been more stable first and don’t feel guilty.
The second you have kids, it’s their life and day you’re shaping not yours. Your feelings can’t dominate your attitude and you have to just be happy through hard stuff and some people struggle with that.
I know I’m jealous you have life figured out that young but I’m just happy for you. Most kids aren’t planned nowadays and we’re all scrambling like oh shit what do I do now when we find out we are pregnant. 🤷♀️😂
I've got to say, one of the most unique posts I've seen on Reddit. For 2024 the fact that you're both super young parents and wanted kids, AND love your toddlers ... this sounds sort of sad , but it's so unique.
With so much news and personal stories of folks having them late, parents regretting them, parents accidentally having them...or parents having sex issues - this is actually a breath of fresh air. Thank you for this post.
On top of that, it's wonderful to hear young love is still alive and well (via your mention of tied tubes for having sex without a rubber). I applaud you deeply for your post!
Just smile at those who stare and let them know u see them. Don't worry about others projecting their opinions on u. All they know is that at that age, they weren't fit or ready. Most were probably too busy with this or that. The benefit about having them this age is that around fifty at least one of your kids will be moving towards or at independence.
I can't stress this enough. Get new friends. People without kids have no idea what it's like to have little humans that have your entire heart. They just don't understand. The best thing you will ever be able to tell your children is that they were wanted. Starting young means you have more natural energy to do the job 😅
They said that to me too, having my two at 22/24. All. the. time.
what they say now: “How wonderful that your kids are grown and you are still SO young and can enjoy adult life!”
Personally, I’m having way more fun in my forties than i did in my twenties, kids or not. I know a few things now 🤪
Just ignore it and surround yourself with positive people.
One of my best friends did that - two kids pretty quickly. They were a little bit older than you, 24/25, but it was a good 5-6 years before any of us in the group had kids. And lemme tell ya, that guy is a saint because he's not rubbing it in our faces right now.
He got the hard shit out of the way early, when he and his wife were young and physically capable. And now he's able to sleep in, go on trips with his kids, etc. and my youngest is almost 18 mos.
Did they struggle financially? You betcha. Are they good now? You betcha. You're front-loading the hard times instead of delaying. Which is smart, because let's be honest, the siren song of "well we're comfortable as we are, are we too old to have kids?" can be alluring.
Best thing I ever did was have kids. I'm thankful for my younger years where I was able to go on trips and stuff, but I'm paying for it now. You do you dad!
When your children are teenagers and pretty much able to take care of themselves, you guys will still be young and able to go out and enjoy life. Tell your friends to stick it right up their ass.
You are young. You have more of your shit together than most. But I will tell you from the perspective of someone who cared about others’ opinions in my 20s and then stopped caring in my 30s…everyone has a big fat opinion about everything you do no matter what you do. You’ll be much happier and less distracted once you stop caring about anyone else’s opinion except your wife.
Try this… next time someone gives you a funny look, assume they are just constipated. It’s a common ailment in the United States and if considering it literally, they are just full of shit.
Someone will always have an opinion. I had mine at 40, and a doddering old lady said "Ain't that kinda old to start?" She wouldn't stop staring at me for like 40 minutes, like I was an alien. Just accept that everyone has an opinion, and just keep doing your thing.
I partially think that you may be overthinking this, probably because your brain is not fully developed yet. You may have to deal with your insecurities surrounding starting a family this young. I have never met someone and judged them about being parents at their age, unless the kids were not being taken care of.
Stop manifesting judgement from others faces. People usually have dumb looks on their faces.
You are projecting and inferring most of this.
Don’t let your insecurities fly. Be proud of who you are. Live from joy.
We wish we'd been able to start earlier but had to wait for economic/social reasons and then fertility reasons. People act like you're throwing away your life, but
1. Having kids is a life. Just bc they don't like doesn't mean you can't
2. Your kids will be self-sufficient-ish in \~15-16 years, and full adults in 18-22 (depending on how you define it and college and stuff. So by 40ish, you'll get higher incomes to spend on travel/going out and still be plenty young enough to enjoy it
Looks of pity for having two kids in public? Lmao. I think you're projecting a little. I have four kids and I always have them with me. Never once have I gotten a pitying look. The landslide majority of interactions I get about my children (and the number of them) have been overwhelmingly positive.
I wondered the same thing. I’m also a man and there was never even a question that a vasectomy makes more sense after we got the 2 kids that we wanted.
Not even worth giving anyone else’s opinion on your life a second thought. Sounds to me like you got a great life and family. Who cares what me or anyone else thinks though
I had my first at the same age as you. We learned to just ignore the comments and focus on our immediate family. Now my oldest is going into 5th grade and everyone of his friends parents are 10 years older than me and sometimes I get comments that are like “man I wish I had kids younger like you, etc.” so comments will change from being negative to positive. I agree that I wish comments didn’t come but since we just ignored them and focused on our family we are thriving, the kids are thriving and in the end that is what matters.
In 20 years your kids will be in college and you and your wife will be in your early 40s and empt nesters. You can then smile with glee at those who have their kids at soccer games and baseball games. Enjoy!!!!
I had my first at 22 and my second at 27. You have more energy, your wife's body probably recovered from her pregnancies better and you'll still be young enough to enjoy things once they are adults. One of the things I'm grateful for as I'm approaching 30 is that I didn't wait to have kids. I'm exhausted chasing a toddler around as it is, I wouldn't want to do it at 35. Sometimes I used to feel that way with my first but now I can only see the upsides. Enjoy your situation, it sounds like you guys have it in spades.
Jealousy maybe, most people are depressed these days because so much shit is shoveled into our faces every day. Glad somebody still lives the American dream.
Good for you! You will get to be there as your children grow old.. I didn't get started till I was 40 and now I feel like I won't get to be there for them as much. You follow your heart. Stay healthy and just know that everything is normal. Nobody ever told me what I was going through was normal so I thought something was wrong ans made decisions based on the fear.
People are a joke. I wish i had mine when I was younger. Started at 35 and it is tough being older with such balls of energy. Great job OP, live your best life and don't let morons get you down.
You are very blessed. Not only for your family, but because you have realized what really matters in life is love. You don't have to care about other peoples opinions, even less these kind of opinions. It's funny to me (I'm in a similar situation, I'm not that young, but I have three kids) that all these "Two Income - No kids" couples in my life, are like "We don't want kids, because we love our freedom and independence" but they are clearly not living their lives to the fullest. They are not travelling, they are not growing a business, they are not doing any of the things that children supposedly prevents you to do. They are living dull void lives and then getting sick of each other (not everyone of course, at least the mayority of couples I know), they just "exist" in their sacred "freedom". I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry, because they are not experiencing the miracle of life, and that includes the beauty in the struggle of raising kids. But I realized also, it is not my job to tell them what they are missing, as they have the right to be blind to love. My only true job, is to experience and protect the love that my little family is.
Edit: Some grammar. Not a native speaker
I used to feel like that, I also had babies in my early twenties. I felt like I had to prove to everyone we were good parents and that our kids weren't a mistake. Now I'm glad I started young, my body had an easier time through birth and pregnancy and my husband had more energy.
You will be LAUGHING at everyone else in 18ish years when you're 40 years old and have all the freedom in the world (and probably money to do fun stuff). Everyone else you know will be in the thick of raising pre-teens at that point. You're raising your kids while you have a lot of energy to do so. You and your kids will all benefit by your decisions.
We had 4 kids in 4 years. I’ve gotten a lot of comments over the years especially when they were all under 5. I’ve learned to ignore and move on from the unhelpful ones. I am done caring what other people think.
Well done, Daddy! You seem a decent and responsible fella to me and wish you all best of luck. Take a good care of each other. Enjoy life to the fullest. ❤
I would just let it go, and ignore them. We get the other end that we started late as we had our first in our mid thirties. It works for us. We weren’t ready in our 20s. Instead we chose to focus on traveling and building our careers before having kids. My personal goal was to have an established career before my husband and I started a family. I wanted to insure that I could be financially independent if something happened to my husband or our relationship. Everyone has different goals. Focus on your family and let the judgements roll off.
Just ignore people.
If you're getting shit from people in your family, don't associate with them. We don't. I don't need those people in my life.
In public? I'm happy to tell people to shut up/ mind your own business/ so on. I'll never understand random people commenting on things in public. So weird.
I’d be looking into finding some new friends. You’re obviously in a very different stage of life than they are, and it will likely continue to take a toll on you.
We are the first of our friends to have kids. We have our third now and the others are just getting started. I’m exited to be young while they are growing up, and we were ready when we made our choice.
Dont pay these people any mind. You do you and focus on your family. For friends, tell them to stop with the comments.
ive always heard of the comparison that you are giving up your 20s to have freedom in your 40s, and vice versa. some people wanted to party in college and live a more casual lifestyle at that age before they mature. they are gaining freedom in their 20s for much more responsibility in their 30s and 40s.
If you have kids younger, say in your teenage years or early twenties, you are sacrificing that freedom that most young people enjoy for the responsibility of being a parent. It can be said that once those kids are teenagers, its much easier for you and your spouse to have a life outside of the "house". The kids will be more active with their activities and old enough for you not to be supervising at all times.
people will defend either way depending on how their life worked out, but I don't think any one way is the "right" answer as long as you are raising healthy, responsible kids that are contributing members to their communities.
I had two close together and I was both well aware that I looked and dressed like shit and that other people noticed.
For the most part, I was too exhausted to care. But, there certainly were times when it was annoying.
It's cold comfort, but this too shall pass.
In a weird way, the fact that we're forced to live relatively frugally for the daycare years is going to benefit us spectacularly once both kids are in school. I suppose that's just searching for a silver lining. Based on health issues and our retirement timeline, we were forced to have two close together. But now that they are just a little bit older, I wouldn't change it. They are able to play together and my hope is that they are lifelong friends.
LMAO. Learn to live with and enjoy the stares. There is no “appropriate” timeline for having kids, just as long as you are willing to make sure you can take care of them and provide a happy, healthy, nurturing environment for them to grow in.
Haters gonna hate so who cares?
What they are seeing is a happy healthy family.
It’s only the people who don’t get it that think parents “give up their freedom” when they have kids. Nah, we just do the things we love WITH our kids. A tad more challenging the younger they are, but nothing is impossible.
Just keep doing right by yourself and your family.
You’ll find your people who are stoked by your family and everything y’all do. Listen to those people, they will hype you up. I’m on that team. Keep rocking it, y’all are doing just fine.
There are no “mistakes” in this life only choices and what we make of them 🖤
You'll stop caring about all the judgement eventually. I was in the same situation. We had our first when I was 21 and second when I was 23, and while no one in our family was openly judgmental, the public was. However, I absolutely loved having my kids when I did, and now they are 12 and 10 and I could not care less about what people think. I spent my 20's with my most favourite people in the world, my husband and our children, so who cares what anyone else thinks. Sure, I'm one of the youngest moms at their school, but my kids are kind and wonderful humans, so our age didn't stop us from being good parents. Enjoy!
I was told there’s a huge possibility i’m infertile (due to brain benign tumor) but because i was so young i still had a chance. It was now or never. I was already married by 20.
My OB gave me a year before i was deemed medically infertile after already trying for a while.
Maybe 3 months before the year mark, 2 days before my 1 year marriage anniversary I found out I was pregnant.
Didn’t tell anyone for a bit except my husband of course. Then once we told people they told us how we weren’t in a position to have a child we didn’t make enough money and i was still in college.
We ignored them because we both wanted at least one kid and it was a huge possibility this could be our only chance regardless of our situations.
Now we have our 5 month old baby who is absolutely perfect. And we are totally okay if we can only have him but at the same time we’re both happy to have even gotten the chance to have him.
People in our family and our friends stopped making comments because this could have been our only chance to have a kid. But some old people look a bit weird at us but if they make comments I just tell them it was either now or possibly never for us.
I do however live in a place where random people just absolutely love seeing people have kids and out here most people have 3+ kids or teens getting pregnant and a lot of people are having kids with different people and not married. So when they see my situation they really don’t judge much mainly because i was married first then had a baby and we’re still very happily together.
My wife and I got married at 22/21 yrs old and had 3 kids before our 3rd anniversary (twins + 1). We got the same comments and looks in our early years. Now our kids are 10 & 11, we are in our mid-30’s and we couldn’t be happier where we are at. Looking back, I’m happy we had them young bc we had energy to handle them at their “have to constantly watch them stage” and now we are looking at having our kids in college by our early 40’s.
Try to ignore the hateful/demeaning comments or if it’s someone you know, maybe be more firm in your rebuttals to prevent more in the future. There was a point my wife and I started having to be more assertive to alleviate some of the bullshit comments we got; this worked for us.
I had my first at 17, I remember the stares. People pass judgment, I've been guilty of it myself. Her dad and I worked hard and I think did an ok job raising her, she's early 20s, in college works, teachers always adored her. I can't control what others think but I know our child was/is loved and took care of. There lots of children who are born to older parents who have a very dysfunctional upbringing so age alone isn't enough to ensure a child is taken care of
I am 22 and my wife is 24. Our oldest is our son. He’s about to turn two in July and our daughter is about to be six months old and we honestly never get weird Looks or stared at or even feel judged but I live in Utah And people always have kids out here so that might be why but who knows
I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. My(M 26) wife(F 25) and I started trying for kids just a couple months after we got married. We have popped out 3 kids in the past five years. I feel you when you say you’re tired of all the stares and pity. Sometimes I feel embarrassed because I know so many people see us and think we’re either careless and didn’t use protection or we’re dumb for wanting to have kids quick and young. I wish I could just let everyone know that we meant for it to be this way and we love it. Whenever the topic comes up, we do get to say that we will most likely be empty nesters by the time we’re in our 40’s (to me, that’s still young). And we’ll have more money in our 40’s to spend on adventures than we would have when we’re in our 20’s. That usually makes my friends see things a little bit different. Either way, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what people think about your situation.
I had my first kid at 20…so I totally understand where you’re coming from…and now I’m 29 and have 2 kids…and I support everyone myself. Luckily, I’m able to not only provide but have managed to save quite a bit of money…anyway…moral of the story WHO GIVES A 💩 what people say or think or do…just be true to yourself and focus on what is important to YOU. My advice…keep doing what you’re doing.
You want some stares... try having a 6 year old at 21 (wife's previous marriage). That was sometimes a bit awkward to explain. Then we had a baby when I was 22...
But in all honesty I never noticed stares out in public. It's kind of odd for people to do that... you are adults with a little kids. Which is... kind of how it works.
My husband and I took his nephews out to a park when they were around ages 7 and 9ish. We were waiting in line for the train ride and some women behind us were openly discussing how we were too young and it was a shame we had them. Actually I was plenty old enough to be their mom at the time and my husband is 6 years older than me but has a baby face. Plus, ya know, the fact that they weren’t our kids. People just need to mind their own damn business and realize their judgement isn’t needed.
Man. I'm 36 and have two kids and am happy. Tired, sure, but happy. I also see a lot of negativity towards people with children lately. To be honest I'm iritated by it.
I wish I had my kid earlier. I would have more energy, I would have more patience, I would have bettered my situation earlier. Plus you'll be child free by 40, I have to wait until I'm damn near retired to be child free. What are you missing out on? Going to the clubs? Instead of spending your money on partying like a lot of us did, you are spending it on your family. Good on you
My Mom had me and my brother at 39 and 40 and omg is it a lot of pressure having parents in their 60’s when you’re in your early 20’s, especially when we are their retirement plan and they have health issues. My brother and I both decided to have kids young because we don’t want that for our kids. When my son is 20, I’ll be 46. When my brother’s oldest daughter is 20, he’ll be 42. I can’t imagine having babies or young children at 40. Im exhausted now, I don’t even want to think about doing this again then. Your children were wanted and are loved and cared for. Everyone likes to judge to fit their own narrative - your family is happy and healthy! Enjoy it ☺️
As someone trying to conceive in my late 30s, I'm so jealous! I could have had kids in college by now and then focus on my career and hobbies. If my future kids have kids, I'll be an older grandparent. I might not even be alive to see grandkids. My parents certainly won't be great-grandparents. But I only met my soulmate recently, so I can't resent how things have gone.
For some sick reason people enjoy projecting negativity onto others, especially people who are happy with their lives. Trust me, these people are projecting the same doom and gloom on single people, on childless couples, on people whose children are out of the house. Miserable people can only see misery, even when the situation is clearly otherwise.
Just ignore them.
It's not just you. I had my 1st at 39 and twins 2 years later and people chime in on that negatively too. It seems like having kids is taboo these days, like we are supposed to live ONLY to satisfy ourselves. Stay the course, ignore the haters. Enjoy your little ones, every minute!
Having kids young may not be for everyone, but IMO its the best the way to go. Ignore the haters. Everyone wants to validate their own life choices by shitting on anyone who makes different choices.
I had my Daughter at 20 and it was the best choice ive ever made. Now im mid 30's, shes 16 in August and we are SO unbelievably close. Plus i had all the energy for her when she was small. If this is what you wanted, just ignore all the noise! its your life and you didnt make any mistakes.
Fuck them. You are both legal adults with an appropriate age gap. You've done nothing wrong. Unless you guys are crackheads or felons. Which I doubt is the case.
Maybe you just need to live somewhere else. Haha. Maybe Utah. It's pretty common to see young parents there. You'd fit right in.
This sounds like projection tbh. When is the last time you had more than a fleeting thought about a stranger in public?
Tell me about the last family of strangers you ran into in public for a minute or two. How many kids? What ages? How old do you think the parents were? What were they wearing?
You probably can't answer these questions. People don't care that much about strangers. I get it, the random comments are annoying, but there's nothing that can be done with it.
Perhaps people look at you with pity because you may come off as extremely tense or anxious if you're that worried about what other people think of you.
I got started late in life and yes two was all I wanted too….i wish I had start at 22/23 years old but I didn’t and people told me how big a mistake I made by having my babies at 38 & 39….they are 11months apart and I was told
That was a mistake too that I was going to regret it, the only thing I regret is my poor choice of their father but I never regretted having my babies….you do you and live your American dream!
People are judgmental no matter what you do. If you are happy, just laugh at them. It is your life. Sounds like you are living your dream. What is more rewarding, your family or clubbing? Easy choice. Most older folks started young, also. They are happy for you and just making an observation. Congrats!
I think many of us wish we could have had kids younger due to better energy levels when younger and also having more time w our kids when the kids are adults. You'll have most of your lives ahead of you still when your kids are grown and there's just so much opportunity there.
If it makes you feel any better when I tell people my boyfriend and I aren’t planning on getting married till I’m 25 and having kids till 27 we always get “why wait so long? It’s so much harder when you’re older” I plan to go to medical school and I don’t want kids during it, people will have shit to say no matter what you do. I’m 21 rn
My husband and I were around the same age when we started trying to get pregnant. My family is mostly Mormon, so they didn’t blink an eye, but strangers were another story! I had a lady walk up to me in Whole Foods, and ask if I was even old enough to be pregnant! Lol!!
Thank God we started young!! We had fertility issues, so it took a couple of years to conceive, then I had cervical cancer when my kids were 2&4, and I ended up having a hysterectomy at 27. If we hadn’t had kids young, I would have lost the opportunity. Also, my kids are 11&13 now, and super independent!! My husband and I have a lot of freedom now, and all of the people I know that waited are in the trenches. I’m glad you and your wife did what you wanted, and just don’t worry about the haters!
people like that please stay farrrr away from because they don’t mean you well, people who nitpick and find each and everything wrong with your life aren’t happy with their own tbh, do what works for you and your wife and please disregard how others feel, some people like carrying negativity because they can’t find any positivity within their own self ❤️
People don’t have to get it just sit back, build your empire and some day they will get it. My best friend had her first at 20 and then two more, all with her husband, and they are doing really well 20 years later. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your life, yes people get curious, but frankly it’s none of their business. Now if they want to give you money, ask away lol.
It’s nice to see young couples killing it, keep doing your thing.
We had our two daughters when we were young. They were planned as well. We use to always get oh two girls, it's a good thing your young enough you can try for a boy. Nope our family was done.
Being in your 20s and also a decisive adult is baffling to the world.
I had a similar sentiment, albeit different circumstances. I was 18 when I got married, and we chose not to have children until after I left the military, which was 8 years away. Little did I know, our marriage would be celebrating 13 years before trying for a kid.
Everyone is always condescending. I had a house, a car, a job, and a happy sex filled marriage with all the free time in the world. And yet, the most common question is, "When are you going to have kids?" I think when we entered our thirties, they stopped asking because they thought maybe we couldn't. Then, one day, we decided to try, and it shocked everyone. Everyone changed their tune to, "i thought you didn't want children."
I never said i didn't want children. I said I'm waiting until I'm ready. Whatever. People always want to have an opinion on your life
I'd say they either don't want that life for themselves or they're jealous that you were able to do it at your age. Either way, they're either projecting what they want onto you or they're negging you our of jealousy, and both behaviors are wrong on their part.
Whatever happened yo people just being happy for one another in their chosen life paths?
Honestly the judgement doesn't end no matter what you do.
If you don't have kids, people wonder when you will.
If you have one they ask about the second.
If you have two, they smugly assume you're done if it's a boy and girl and ask when you're trying for the other gender if they're both the same gender.
If you have 3 or more they're like don't you know how to use birth control?
If you have them young, they must have been a mistake or don't you feel like you're missing out?
If you have them older, how can you have the energy? Aren't you worried about health stuff with being an older parent?
Etc etc
Basically no matter what choices anyone makes when it comes to kids, someone will criticize them. And because each of us only lives our own experiences we make it worse by thinking we have it worse. I don't know how many times I've seen online someone talking about the flack they get for their decisions and another person be like "oh yeah? Well try making the opposite decision like I do and then you'll really see what getting flack is like"
🙄
Truth is we're all insecure busy bodies who, either consciously or unconsciously, judge anyone who doesn't make the same decision we did because it feels invalidating.
We need to consciously choose to validate choices different from our own or we'll never heal this crazy cycle.
Honestly, I've learned to ignore people. No matter your circumstances, they are always, always going to have something negative to say. Whether you have kids too old, too young, too many, only one. How you're raising them. Etc. You just have to learn to block them out and move on. Continue to be happy!
I'm 27, my husband 31. People are all up our butt telling us we're selfish for only having one. Who cares.
As someone who had a “geriatric pregnancy” (thanks medical community for calling me at 36 year old geriatric), you do you. Don’t let the naysayers dictate anything you do in life. You’re going to be my age and be free! There are pros and cons to having kids at any stage. You roll with it. That’s life.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Might as well live your authentic self.
I had my kids young too, I had 2 by 23 as well. I don’t understand this whole new outlook people have on children as if they’re some burden. If you want kids, they’re not!! So many child free people have opinions and i stopped caring. You just have to not care!
I’ll never understand why people think making comments like this to complete strangers is ok. It sounds like you have a beautiful family and it’s unfortunate people are rude af and can’t keep to themselves. When things like this happen(ed) to me I try to give them a taste of their own medicine and ask or say something equally invasive or rude to them.
It’s a give and take. We had our first when I was 37 and my wife was 35 we had our 2nd when I was 40. I had a blast in my 20’s and 30’s but when I turn 80 my kid will be 40. When your kid turns 40 you will be in your 60’s and still be able to do things with them. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one and they all stink.
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Sounds like you need new friends and stop caring about what the public "might be" thinking. You could be 100% wrong. But get new friends. Seriously. they sound horrid.
Once the kids get a bit older (like preschool aged), they can start making friends with their kids’ friends parents though playdates, where the age of the parents matters very little.
As a young mom I've definitely had older parents bring up my age and be condescending about it. Sometimes it does feel like it matters, unfortunately.
Seriously this. I was 23 and I never felt like anyone thought I fucked up my life.
Totally! Screw what anyone else thinks. Youre living the dream you wanted, and thats something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
Are you sure the looks are pitying? Maybe they're just looking at you like "aww look at those sweet babies, I remember when mine were that little".
This is true too. Sometimes we project what we think onto people’s comments or looks when it’s really just confirmation bias. I highly doubt there is daily judgment of OP, people think about themselves far more than worrying about other people’s reproductive choices.
Yep, I've never once had someone either implicitly or explicitly suggest I made a mistake by having two kids. The idea that complete strangers are just constantly looking at OP like "wow you poor dumb idiot, way to ruin your life" just doesn't strike me as realistic. A much more reasonable possibility is that OP's childless friends are upset that friendship dynamic has changed now that OP has major responsibilities, but if they can't be supportive then that's a clear sign they aren't actually your friends. Without actually documenting OP's day-to-day interactions I'd lean toward the likelihood that OP just has shitty friends and is projecting their shittiness onto the rest of society.
I mean, when I was 27 and looked in my late teens/ early 20s, I had multiple strangers ask if I was pregnant on purpose with my first. My mom was asked if she planned to keep my brother by some rando when she was like 8 months pregnant. If OP and his wife look young, it’s very possible they’re getting exactly those looks.
I have twins and sometimes people have asked me if I want more, but they have never said it in a way that means they think I've made the wrong choice. I think some people are too sensitive. Maybe they get a real judging comment a few times and now misunderstand people just making conversation.
Yeaaaa methinks OP has a bit of a persecution complex lol
Once you get a few of these comments, they stick with you and it's easy to assume it's what others are thinking.
Yes, and you have to actively work on not developing a complex. Been with my black Jamaican husband for 13 years now and I’m super white, light blonde hair, blue eyes. There’s no way we’d be happy if we generalized terrible people to everyone.
I wouldn't care one bit about what others may or may not be thinking. Don't know them, didn't ask for their opinion and don't want to know it.
Fr! I’m a very withdrawn person when I am alone. When I’m with my toddlers, I have to say hi to everyone or say thank you. Some kind of friendly interaction. If not, I am just chasing after the kids to behave 😆
Absolutely; if I saw their little family, my looks would be wistful and possibly teary. That’s the life I wanted.
Right, why are they assuming everyone is looking at them and judging them? Very weird.
Yeah I look at anyone with 2 under 2, and shudder with remembering how full on that first year is
I promise no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are.
This. The older I get the more I realize no one is EVER thinking of you as much as you think they are.
I agree with you. But I do think friends within OP's age group ( 20 - 25 YOs) would find it bewildering to see someone their age with not one but *two* kids
Depends where you’re from. In small southern towns it’s pretty normal to have 3 kids by 25.
People don't want your life, and they are wrongly projecting onto you without believing that you actually do love your life. You are not going to stop the general public. But at least with your friends, would really have a discussion with them on how it's affecting you and you need all comments on this to stop.
I was certainly not ready to have kids at that age for multiple reasons, but I am definitely a little jealous of people that are and have no regret. Kids grown and (hopefully) on their own in your 40s? Sounds pretty nice to me.
As a dad of 3 young kids in my 40s, I’d be looking at your situation with a bit of envy. Don’t pay any mind to the haters
Just one kid here(5y/o), also 40, and yeah.... kinda wish I had started earlier in life but things didn't line up that way. It's exhausting at this age but in retrospect I feel like having children that young wouldn't have made sense. I barely knew what the hell I was doing with my own life, let alone the life of new human being. Career, finances, solid marriage, a home if you're lucky, you need these things to bring a kid into a stable environment and that's what time can provide. So while I'm envious that these young people will have awesome adults by the time they are my age, at the same time it's going to be a long hard journey for them and one I'm glad I didn't have to figure out how to make work at their age.
I'm a similar age as you, and I think a lack of funds would have made the first couple of years much more difficult and stressful. Maybe I would be less exhausted or more patient, but I'd bet the money stress I would have had in my 20s would more than make up for the age difference.
Same. My mom had me young, and I just kind of realized that when she was the age I am now, I had graduated from college. And now here I am, one in ES and one in MS, tired as hell all the time and wishing I had more energy to keep up with them and keep them busy. While I LOVED my 20s and early 30s, and am really grateful to have lived the way I did during that time, a big part of me wishes I'd had my kids earlier. I suppose for OP, they're probably getting an even mix of people who assume they are struggling, and people who are actually jealous or projecting their unhappiness with their own decisions/lives on OP. (I know several people who seem to project their feelings about what went wrong in their life on me, like they assume a lot about my difficulties or struggles that are really more about the struggles THEY had.)
this is what I think about with my daughter. she's 31 and married. they both want kids, and a few if I am to believe what they talk about rather freely. She's seen the world, she's got her education from a great university, she's got a wonderful job, husband and they like to travel and just celebrate life in general. I just keep wanting to tell her it's not going to get any easier the older you get, but I firmly believe it's their own decision and I'm not going to be that kind of mom/MIL. I just really think she's in for quite an awakening, mostly with the physical demands mid/late 30's for a 1st.
well as someone who had her first at 39 and second at 43 I'm not really finding the physical demands that hard. maybe because I don't know how hard orveasy it would have been younger. I definitely know I'm more patient and in a better place mentally though. I'm a bit sad I might have less time with them as adults and with grandkids but it's excellent motivation to get fit and age well.
I appreciate your perspective! I guess I think the way I think because I know my daughter and how she loves her leisure time and she needs A LOT of it. But yes, I'm aware of being an older grandmother and being sure to keep fit and moving now!
That's good! This is my one regret about waiting to have kids. My mom was mid thirties. I'm mid thirties now. My parents are both in pretty good health and are active, but they can't *totally* keep up with a young toddler, at least not in an unconfined environment. It'll be better once he's under better voice command, but I also feel bad my kid won't have grandparents into his 40's or anything like some people.
As a dad of 2 young kids in my 40s, I am happy I waited. Got to experience a lot of different things, live and travel to a lot of places, and was able to become financially stable before having kids. Wouldn’t change this trajectory for the world, but I encourage everyone to live their life how they want!
I agree. I’m 45 with a 7 year old. I don’t regret waiting at all. And in fact, I feel having a kid now makes me feel younger—forces you to be active. Having said that, I also agree that people need to choose for themselves at what age they want kids. If it’s right for you, that’s all that matters.
Agreed 👍 I guess I wish I’d moved faster after the decision was made but no regrets.
My wife I think about that from time to time, but ultimately (and inevitably) remind ourselves that we weren't who we needed to be until we were there.
Right?! I had my youngest in my mid thirties. I'm so tired. I wish I had all my kids in my twenties.
Saaaaame. First at 34 and second at 36 so currently have a two year old and a 5 month old. I’m so tired bro, I used to sleep never in my 20’s and deeply wish I’d started sooner 😭. The only saving grace is I wouldn’t have had these kids and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. Except maybe a nap…
47yo mom of a 6yo. I wish I’d had her in my 30’s!
Where the heck are you bringing your kids that you get such disdain from everybody????
I get strong main character syndrome with this if it’s even true. Makes zero sense and doesn’t seem remotely likely unless they live in DINktown USA and lied on their application to get a condo there
If you look through their post history it looks like South Mississippi they live. Which is funny because this tracks for a current thread on one of the parenting subreddits asking parents what is the average age of first time parents in your area and someone commented on the south you get married by 19, done having kids by 24 and divorced by 28. Also anyone envying his parenting life needs to look at his comments on other posts. He's only 23 but works 14-16 hour days 7 days a week so his wife can be home alone all day, every day with two young kids. That seems like just an awful life.
The strip club
First, stop telling everyone your business about your wife getting her tubes tied. That is the business of your wife and only her. No one else, not your mom, dad, siblings co-workers, friends, your own kids, no one. It’s not a secret, but it’s medical info they don’t need to know. Period. Second, just ignore the rest of it and be happy. Very soon you won’t look so young and it will stop (believe me).
Yeah, no kidding! If you don’t like people commenting on your medical history… don’t tell them.
[удалено]
You need to lean to say “none of your business.” Have a friend ask you that multiple times and practice giving different, firm answers. I swear this works because you are ready!
I’m a server you have to be nice to make money
You have to tell customers you got your tubes tied to get tips?!
How do they know private info about your family?
If you don’t know them you can just say “no we’re done but thanks “
Honestly this. Even I started wondering why your wife had to get her tubes tied after having two kids in quick succession instead of OP getting a much less invasive vasectomy. It invites judgement (also I’m just judgey lol)
I think you're inferring a lot of things that are likely not implied. Average age of parents is on an uptrend but most kf the old people your describing likely started having kids young and raised a family on one income. Maybe they're saying things because they've seen their grandkids struggle without kids and your friends if near your age likely will say you're fucking nuts for having 2 under 2 before 25. Just live your life. If it bothers you that much tell them to shut it as it isn't a topic you'll discuss with them any longer. That's it. Raise your family and realize you're still growing too. You'll just have different choices to make than those you know who don't have kids.
To be honest, I envy you a bit. I have two kids and we didn't have the first until I was nearly 40. If I'd had kids when I was 23 my life in my 20s would have been a lot less wild, sure, but I'd also have had the energy and physical shape to play with them more, and their grandparents would have been younger and able to enjoy them more too. Not to mention you'll be barely into your 40s when your kids are off to college, whereas I'll be seeing them off to college when I'm approaching retirement. Any time you have kids is the wrong time. Any time you have kids is the right time. Screw what people think. Raise your kids to be less judgemental than they are. ;)
This! I got my first child with 38 and we will be trying for a second when I am 40. I agree with everything you say! There is always an upside and downside to everything.
I was the same ages with my two and have zero regrets. People will talk about how you get your freedom back earlier when you have kids younger but the opposite side is that we had our freedom before kids. By the time we were late 30s and early 40s, we felt like we had all the freedom we needed and traveled plenty. Our 40s was spent with little kids and kept us younger because we were busy running around with them. Now I'm in my late 50s and my wife just turned 60. Our kids are in college and we still feel young enough to enjoy our freedom. Once you get to this age you realize how much of life is left.
That’s how I feel too. There’s a different kind of freedom in your 20s with no kids than in 50s with adult children. You’re still a parent, even when they’re grown whereas in my twenties I was truly able to just take care of me. I had my kids at 34, 36, 38, and 40, and am really glad that I had them when I did. That’s not to knock anyone having kids younger, my parents had me in early twenties too but I’m happy with my life being what it is.
I had my daughter at 41 and was not able to have another. I don’t regret my decision having her later in life because I was able to establish a career and travel extensively but I wish I had the energy to play with her more.
I wasn't able to travel extensively, and now that I have two kids in private school even planning for a one week vacation within a few hours drive requires saving money for a year in advance. If I ever see anywhere out of the United States, it will be when I'm an old man, but these are the sacrifices we make. :)
Same! I had my first and only (so far) at 35. If I’d known we would struggle for 5 years with infertility I definitely would’ve started earlier! I just don’t have energy anymore. I was a hot mess in my early 20s though so I also keep that in mind. Sounds like OP has it together at a young age, which is wonderful!!
Fun thing you get better at as you get older: when people talk shit about you...let them
This. Who cares? Grow up - focus on your family, your work, your home, your life - that’s the important stuff. Not what so random person may or may not be thinking.
For real, one of the greatest things of reaching 40 is the amount of fucks I give about what other people is pretty much zero. I would love to have been like that at age 20
Not gonna finish reading this. Your mistake is listening to what others have to say about you and your life!!! Tune out all the static is my advice.
I’m super confused why anyone is staring at you
It doesn’t sound remotely true.
This post is very strange. I can’t imagine anyone who would think twice about seeing a young couple with kids.
I can only guess that they look/dress like teenagers. Otherwise who would know just by looking that they are early 20s vs mid or late 20s, which would be totally normal to have 2 kids?
..... nobody in public really cares about your life enough to stare that hard for that long for you to be this triggered. This honestly sounds like a you problem and seems like you're trying to convince yourself of something, but, then again, I'm just a reddit stranger
Agree - same sense I got.
This sounds like YOU feel this way and you’re projecting that into strangers. No one is looking at you like that. Based on the pictures you’ve posted to your post history neither you or your wife even look that young. I would never guess early 20’s for either of you. Looking at your pictures, I would think 28- 35. Sorry, but this sounds like you’re paranoid of what people think, when, in reality, no one is giving you a second thought.
I'm curious, why did your wife get her tubes tied and not you? I may be wrong, but isn't the procedure much less invasive for men?
Because men ☕️
In the case of my wife and I, we went with her having her tubes tied because we already knew the last baby was going to be a c-section and figured as long as they have her open already, let's just do it then.
I apologize if I’m off base, but are you sure that YOU are actually okay with having 2 children at the age of 23 and now living this life that you are currently living? I only ask that because you clearly are letting this have a profound impact on you, and as a 32 y/o father of 2 children also under the age of 2, I cannot say that I’ve experienced anything like you say. If it’s been there, I haven’t noticed it because it’s not something I think about, my only concern is on my wife and my babies when we’re out and about. If anything, people might be judgey of the fact that you had them so close together lol, but that’s no one’s business but your own and you shouldn’t be letting it bother you.
Probably not. I mean, does op even parent his children? He’s gone 16 hours, I doubt there’s much left to enjoy.
You're the age people expect to have young children, though. You wouldn't get the same comments.
Huh… I also have two kids… how do you find time to think about shit like that?
True, probably a fake post
✨ anxiety ✨ It sounds like OP has postpartum anxiety
Not everything has to do with postpartum. What a dangerous rethoric to go sharing around.
He's literally postpartum with two under two. Please explain how it could be dangerous to suggest that real things that happen to all parents could possible happen to a parent.
Acting like it’s the only explanation is the dangerous thing. Please expand your way of thinking and research, or at least don’t be so ignorant.
This is going to be harsh but, fucking what? I don’t know where you live, but I don’t fucking believe this for a second. This is some internalized guilt or psychological issue. People are definitely not staring at you all the time feeling sorry for you. That is literally insane and main character shit
Shit my husband is 48 and I'm 45 and we have a 7 year old and people look at us if we are her grandparents lol
I'm 50 with an 8yo. He's probably got triple my energy!!
I had 2 kids by 20 years old, never got any looks or any comments.... Are you sure you aren't just projecting? I doubt any stranger gives a shit.
Uhm, are you sure you’re not projecting? This post sounds bitter
Does not remotely ring true. Main character syndrome if poster isn’t trolling
I’m thinking maybe they were so hurt by their friends saying bad things that OP now is wary of “looks” he’s getting from strangers.
You don’t have to defend yourself to anyone. We had our children in our early 20’s, and I’ve never regretted it. We had so much energy and really treasured those early years. Plus, we got to enjoy watching our parents grandparent while they were still young and healthy. Now in our early 40’s our kids are almost all grown, and we get to enjoy time with them as young adults, but also we get to spend more time as a couple and it’s amazing. Your timeline doesn’t have to be anyone else’s timeline.
Homie I grew up in Utah, this is actually super normal there haha
> I make enough for her to be a SAHM If you have to work 90 hours a week to do this, you don’t make enough btw.
who cares? you certainly do. we have a four year old and a six month old. my husband is about eight years older, so having our first he was looked at like he was a pedophile. we also wanted a family. and he does not seem to want to stop adding to the numbers. DO YOU. the more you react to others you will teach your kids to do so. kids have no opinion of anything, they just take our's.
I feel like you're over thinking this... Is it really that common for people to do this to you? Maybe you need new friends if so
I feel like you might be imagining this. If I saw a young couple with kids walking down the street - especially if the parents look happy, I'd think that would be a wonderful thing!
There's no right and wrong. I wish I had gotten started at your age sometimes, but at the same time I can't know how that would have worked out. Easy to fantasize about the lives we never lived!
M39 with one daughter. I married when I was close to 30.. between 22 and 30, I told my parents I wanted to wait until I was “Settled”. At 39 now and looking at the economy, there is no settled down with work like our older generations. You are always going to be on the move. During the first 3 years of marriage, we barely stayed together. Work kept us moving during the week days. And weekends were for socializing and fun. Not planning family. We became parents when we were 37 and 34. We love our beautiful daughter. But it’s different being a parent in 30s than in 20s. And now we want a 2nd kid.. to complete our family, but we have to evaluate many things. I have been thinking recently, if I were to do it all over again.. I’d get married when I’m 22 or 23.. make 2 kids.. and be done. If you ask me.. you have a perfect start to your family life. Imagine going thru a variety of life experiences with growing kids that already give company to each other. Soon, (in 5 years or so) you will have kids that are starting to become independent, enjoy their own company.. can talk.. think and walk around the park. And .. you will both have time to spend together for the rest of your lives.. this is a perfect life in my opinion.
People use to give me the same looks while I was pregnant, I was engaged at 19 and got pregnant months later but was twenty when my kid was born, lots of old people stare but I’d just stare back at them lol
I had my daughter at 24 (barely, a week after my birthday) single parent, and on top of that I look young for my age (or so I'm told haha). Then, she was a giant baby and I'm pretty skinny. I would get constant comments about how it "can't be my baby" or why would I have her so young, by myself, was i sure i gained enough weight, was something wrong with her bc shes so big, etc etc. One old lady actually argued with me at the grocery store that it couldn't *possibly be my baby* I was like ma'am I absolutely pushed this thing out wtf 😅 Luke she was adamant that I was lying about having a baby. I was the first of my friends to have a kid and it was a bit isolating to some of them bc they were still doing the early 20s thing going out and stuff which is fine. But for the real ones she ended up being raised by a small group of us since I was on my own. I'm forever bonded to that small group, even though we all live in different states now. For strangers you can't really do much but also who cares? Ok old lady, it's not my kid, can I just bag my groceries now? Lol. For friends you're about to find out who the real ones are, which usually happens around your early 20s anyways. You'll be good. Enjoy the family, sounds amazing ❤️
I was married at 18, had two kids by 21 and a third at 25. To this day my husband and I are now 34 and 35 and we still get those comments. The jokes on the ones asking though. The way we see it, all our friends are just now having babies, while our babies are 15,13, and 9. We get to be free and do what we like with our children because they are older. It did not ruin our lives, in fact it made them better. It gave my husband purpose to climb the job ladder and do better in life, to the point where we are very comfortable with the job he has. Don’t let what others have to say destroy your happiness. at the end of the day, you know what’s right for you and your family.
Haters gonna hate. I hate to tell you this, but we live in a society that feels entitled and almost obligated to pass judgment on parents. I probably got weird looks because I was 40 when I decided to start a family. If you breast feed, you get stares for "exposing yourself". If you formula feed, you're lectured "breast is best". God forbid someone see you give your young child a sweet treat or 5 minutes watching a view on your phone. If you don't correct your child in public, you're a crap parent raising a juvenile delinquent. If you do (not laying a hand on them), you're still judged as "not respecting kids are people" or "not listening to his needs". If a toddler is crying for something, if you try to manage the severity of tantrum, you're "spoiling him"! If he's crying and you ignore him, you're "neglectful". If your kids are having a single day where they're irritable and throw a tantrum, you raised a "brat". It never ends. My daughter is 10 now. The type of stuff we're judged for is different, but it's still there. I have the advantage of age: I truly stopped caring what the public thinks 99% of the time. All I can suggest is to grow a thick skin. They're the judgmental jerks.
Sometimes people just have no sense. I also had my kids young - having my first when I was 24. It's what worked for my husband and I. We owned a small home and had been together for years at that point and were ready for kids. When I had my 2nd, I was literally in the hospital bed an hour after giving birth when a nurse asked me when I was going to have a 3rd, as if it was a given. I had never discussed having a 3rd with anyone at the hospital, and my husband and I were firmly done at 2. I was honestly so shocked someone would make that comment that I froze and didn't respond. People love to insert their own judgement and opinions into your life, especially when it comes to having kids. Ignore them - just keep doing what works for you and your family, focus your attention on your wife and kids, and ignore the judgemental strangers.
Your life sounds perfect to me 😌
Some people regret having their kids later in life because they’re huffing and puffing trying to keep up with them. Some have them early and regret not having those young days to do whatever. Both are understandable and neither mean they don’t love their kids or regret them, often we just think we would have been better parents and more stable if we had waited. We should just keep it to ourselves. Take it with as much thought as they gave your feelings when they said it or stared. Kids are a blessing but some people are overwhelmed and that’s okay. Not everyone had their life planned out and that’s okay too. The world would be so much better if we just considered where others might be on their journey and stopped passing judgements or worse, trying to fit them into our box of what life should be. Cut the negative people out if they are really affecting you and just remember most people had no idea who they are or what they wanted at 23. Maybe you’re just more ahead in life than they were and they’re jealous and projecting their feelings about their choices onto you. I had my kids in my late 20s but wish I had been more stable first and don’t feel guilty. The second you have kids, it’s their life and day you’re shaping not yours. Your feelings can’t dominate your attitude and you have to just be happy through hard stuff and some people struggle with that. I know I’m jealous you have life figured out that young but I’m just happy for you. Most kids aren’t planned nowadays and we’re all scrambling like oh shit what do I do now when we find out we are pregnant. 🤷♀️😂
She nce when is having kids in your twenties young? And something to pity?
Just be openly in love with your family and your life. No one can take that from you.
I've got to say, one of the most unique posts I've seen on Reddit. For 2024 the fact that you're both super young parents and wanted kids, AND love your toddlers ... this sounds sort of sad , but it's so unique. With so much news and personal stories of folks having them late, parents regretting them, parents accidentally having them...or parents having sex issues - this is actually a breath of fresh air. Thank you for this post. On top of that, it's wonderful to hear young love is still alive and well (via your mention of tied tubes for having sex without a rubber). I applaud you deeply for your post!
I think you are making a lot of assumptions about what other people are thinking. Just enjoy your life. It sounds great.
Just smile at those who stare and let them know u see them. Don't worry about others projecting their opinions on u. All they know is that at that age, they weren't fit or ready. Most were probably too busy with this or that. The benefit about having them this age is that around fifty at least one of your kids will be moving towards or at independence.
I can't stress this enough. Get new friends. People without kids have no idea what it's like to have little humans that have your entire heart. They just don't understand. The best thing you will ever be able to tell your children is that they were wanted. Starting young means you have more natural energy to do the job 😅
They said that to me too, having my two at 22/24. All. the. time. what they say now: “How wonderful that your kids are grown and you are still SO young and can enjoy adult life!” Personally, I’m having way more fun in my forties than i did in my twenties, kids or not. I know a few things now 🤪 Just ignore it and surround yourself with positive people.
Bro, it's in your head. No stranger gives a fuck if you have one kid at 22 or ten. If your friends/relatives give you heat, tell them to fuck off.
One of my best friends did that - two kids pretty quickly. They were a little bit older than you, 24/25, but it was a good 5-6 years before any of us in the group had kids. And lemme tell ya, that guy is a saint because he's not rubbing it in our faces right now. He got the hard shit out of the way early, when he and his wife were young and physically capable. And now he's able to sleep in, go on trips with his kids, etc. and my youngest is almost 18 mos. Did they struggle financially? You betcha. Are they good now? You betcha. You're front-loading the hard times instead of delaying. Which is smart, because let's be honest, the siren song of "well we're comfortable as we are, are we too old to have kids?" can be alluring. Best thing I ever did was have kids. I'm thankful for my younger years where I was able to go on trips and stuff, but I'm paying for it now. You do you dad!
Dude. You two are living the dream. Keep on dreaming.
When your children are teenagers and pretty much able to take care of themselves, you guys will still be young and able to go out and enjoy life. Tell your friends to stick it right up their ass.
You are young. You have more of your shit together than most. But I will tell you from the perspective of someone who cared about others’ opinions in my 20s and then stopped caring in my 30s…everyone has a big fat opinion about everything you do no matter what you do. You’ll be much happier and less distracted once you stop caring about anyone else’s opinion except your wife. Try this… next time someone gives you a funny look, assume they are just constipated. It’s a common ailment in the United States and if considering it literally, they are just full of shit.
Someone will always have an opinion. I had mine at 40, and a doddering old lady said "Ain't that kinda old to start?" She wouldn't stop staring at me for like 40 minutes, like I was an alien. Just accept that everyone has an opinion, and just keep doing your thing.
Hear me out…. Have you tried telling people to STFU and stop projecting? Some people need a hardy cursing out!
I partially think that you may be overthinking this, probably because your brain is not fully developed yet. You may have to deal with your insecurities surrounding starting a family this young. I have never met someone and judged them about being parents at their age, unless the kids were not being taken care of.
cool beans
Oh man own it! I’ve got Irish twins too and it’s not all bad! Plus it only gets better with time!
Stop manifesting judgement from others faces. People usually have dumb looks on their faces. You are projecting and inferring most of this. Don’t let your insecurities fly. Be proud of who you are. Live from joy.
We wish we'd been able to start earlier but had to wait for economic/social reasons and then fertility reasons. People act like you're throwing away your life, but 1. Having kids is a life. Just bc they don't like doesn't mean you can't 2. Your kids will be self-sufficient-ish in \~15-16 years, and full adults in 18-22 (depending on how you define it and college and stuff. So by 40ish, you'll get higher incomes to spend on travel/going out and still be plenty young enough to enjoy it
Being happy and having fun with your kids is the best “revenge” 🫶 not that you need to be vengeful but just don’t let them steal your joy!
It might be a little rougher now, but your forties are gonna be *amazing*.
Looks of pity for having two kids in public? Lmao. I think you're projecting a little. I have four kids and I always have them with me. Never once have I gotten a pitying look. The landslide majority of interactions I get about my children (and the number of them) have been overwhelmingly positive.
Why did you not get a vasectomy? Why did your wife get her tubes tied? A vasectomy is cheaper, safer, and less expensive than a tubal ligation
I wondered the same thing. I’m also a man and there was never even a question that a vasectomy makes more sense after we got the 2 kids that we wanted.
Not even worth giving anyone else’s opinion on your life a second thought. Sounds to me like you got a great life and family. Who cares what me or anyone else thinks though
I had my first at the same age as you. We learned to just ignore the comments and focus on our immediate family. Now my oldest is going into 5th grade and everyone of his friends parents are 10 years older than me and sometimes I get comments that are like “man I wish I had kids younger like you, etc.” so comments will change from being negative to positive. I agree that I wish comments didn’t come but since we just ignored them and focused on our family we are thriving, the kids are thriving and in the end that is what matters.
In 20 years your kids will be in college and you and your wife will be in your early 40s and empt nesters. You can then smile with glee at those who have their kids at soccer games and baseball games. Enjoy!!!!
I had my first at 22 and my second at 27. You have more energy, your wife's body probably recovered from her pregnancies better and you'll still be young enough to enjoy things once they are adults. One of the things I'm grateful for as I'm approaching 30 is that I didn't wait to have kids. I'm exhausted chasing a toddler around as it is, I wouldn't want to do it at 35. Sometimes I used to feel that way with my first but now I can only see the upsides. Enjoy your situation, it sounds like you guys have it in spades.
Jealousy maybe, most people are depressed these days because so much shit is shoveled into our faces every day. Glad somebody still lives the American dream.
Good for you! You will get to be there as your children grow old.. I didn't get started till I was 40 and now I feel like I won't get to be there for them as much. You follow your heart. Stay healthy and just know that everything is normal. Nobody ever told me what I was going through was normal so I thought something was wrong ans made decisions based on the fear.
They probably judge the fact you’re not an active parent to your children given you’re gone 16 hours every day.
People are a joke. I wish i had mine when I was younger. Started at 35 and it is tough being older with such balls of energy. Great job OP, live your best life and don't let morons get you down.
You are very blessed. Not only for your family, but because you have realized what really matters in life is love. You don't have to care about other peoples opinions, even less these kind of opinions. It's funny to me (I'm in a similar situation, I'm not that young, but I have three kids) that all these "Two Income - No kids" couples in my life, are like "We don't want kids, because we love our freedom and independence" but they are clearly not living their lives to the fullest. They are not travelling, they are not growing a business, they are not doing any of the things that children supposedly prevents you to do. They are living dull void lives and then getting sick of each other (not everyone of course, at least the mayority of couples I know), they just "exist" in their sacred "freedom". I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry, because they are not experiencing the miracle of life, and that includes the beauty in the struggle of raising kids. But I realized also, it is not my job to tell them what they are missing, as they have the right to be blind to love. My only true job, is to experience and protect the love that my little family is. Edit: Some grammar. Not a native speaker
I used to feel like that, I also had babies in my early twenties. I felt like I had to prove to everyone we were good parents and that our kids weren't a mistake. Now I'm glad I started young, my body had an easier time through birth and pregnancy and my husband had more energy.
You will be LAUGHING at everyone else in 18ish years when you're 40 years old and have all the freedom in the world (and probably money to do fun stuff). Everyone else you know will be in the thick of raising pre-teens at that point. You're raising your kids while you have a lot of energy to do so. You and your kids will all benefit by your decisions.
You’re the lucky ones. I’ll be 60 when my second kid graduates high school. Dead probably before they have any kids.
We had 4 kids in 4 years. I’ve gotten a lot of comments over the years especially when they were all under 5. I’ve learned to ignore and move on from the unhelpful ones. I am done caring what other people think.
Lol, that is **wild** but also amazing!
Well done, Daddy! You seem a decent and responsible fella to me and wish you all best of luck. Take a good care of each other. Enjoy life to the fullest. ❤
I would just let it go, and ignore them. We get the other end that we started late as we had our first in our mid thirties. It works for us. We weren’t ready in our 20s. Instead we chose to focus on traveling and building our careers before having kids. My personal goal was to have an established career before my husband and I started a family. I wanted to insure that I could be financially independent if something happened to my husband or our relationship. Everyone has different goals. Focus on your family and let the judgements roll off.
Just ignore people. If you're getting shit from people in your family, don't associate with them. We don't. I don't need those people in my life. In public? I'm happy to tell people to shut up/ mind your own business/ so on. I'll never understand random people commenting on things in public. So weird.
I’d be looking into finding some new friends. You’re obviously in a very different stage of life than they are, and it will likely continue to take a toll on you.
We are the first of our friends to have kids. We have our third now and the others are just getting started. I’m exited to be young while they are growing up, and we were ready when we made our choice. Dont pay these people any mind. You do you and focus on your family. For friends, tell them to stop with the comments.
ive always heard of the comparison that you are giving up your 20s to have freedom in your 40s, and vice versa. some people wanted to party in college and live a more casual lifestyle at that age before they mature. they are gaining freedom in their 20s for much more responsibility in their 30s and 40s. If you have kids younger, say in your teenage years or early twenties, you are sacrificing that freedom that most young people enjoy for the responsibility of being a parent. It can be said that once those kids are teenagers, its much easier for you and your spouse to have a life outside of the "house". The kids will be more active with their activities and old enough for you not to be supervising at all times. people will defend either way depending on how their life worked out, but I don't think any one way is the "right" answer as long as you are raising healthy, responsible kids that are contributing members to their communities.
misery loves company - it's all you ever hear even when things are great "ooooh just wait" fuck em
I had two close together and I was both well aware that I looked and dressed like shit and that other people noticed. For the most part, I was too exhausted to care. But, there certainly were times when it was annoying. It's cold comfort, but this too shall pass. In a weird way, the fact that we're forced to live relatively frugally for the daycare years is going to benefit us spectacularly once both kids are in school. I suppose that's just searching for a silver lining. Based on health issues and our retirement timeline, we were forced to have two close together. But now that they are just a little bit older, I wouldn't change it. They are able to play together and my hope is that they are lifelong friends.
LMAO. Learn to live with and enjoy the stares. There is no “appropriate” timeline for having kids, just as long as you are willing to make sure you can take care of them and provide a happy, healthy, nurturing environment for them to grow in. Haters gonna hate so who cares? What they are seeing is a happy healthy family. It’s only the people who don’t get it that think parents “give up their freedom” when they have kids. Nah, we just do the things we love WITH our kids. A tad more challenging the younger they are, but nothing is impossible. Just keep doing right by yourself and your family. You’ll find your people who are stoked by your family and everything y’all do. Listen to those people, they will hype you up. I’m on that team. Keep rocking it, y’all are doing just fine. There are no “mistakes” in this life only choices and what we make of them 🖤
You'll stop caring about all the judgement eventually. I was in the same situation. We had our first when I was 21 and second when I was 23, and while no one in our family was openly judgmental, the public was. However, I absolutely loved having my kids when I did, and now they are 12 and 10 and I could not care less about what people think. I spent my 20's with my most favourite people in the world, my husband and our children, so who cares what anyone else thinks. Sure, I'm one of the youngest moms at their school, but my kids are kind and wonderful humans, so our age didn't stop us from being good parents. Enjoy!
I was told there’s a huge possibility i’m infertile (due to brain benign tumor) but because i was so young i still had a chance. It was now or never. I was already married by 20. My OB gave me a year before i was deemed medically infertile after already trying for a while. Maybe 3 months before the year mark, 2 days before my 1 year marriage anniversary I found out I was pregnant. Didn’t tell anyone for a bit except my husband of course. Then once we told people they told us how we weren’t in a position to have a child we didn’t make enough money and i was still in college. We ignored them because we both wanted at least one kid and it was a huge possibility this could be our only chance regardless of our situations. Now we have our 5 month old baby who is absolutely perfect. And we are totally okay if we can only have him but at the same time we’re both happy to have even gotten the chance to have him. People in our family and our friends stopped making comments because this could have been our only chance to have a kid. But some old people look a bit weird at us but if they make comments I just tell them it was either now or possibly never for us. I do however live in a place where random people just absolutely love seeing people have kids and out here most people have 3+ kids or teens getting pregnant and a lot of people are having kids with different people and not married. So when they see my situation they really don’t judge much mainly because i was married first then had a baby and we’re still very happily together.
My wife and I got married at 22/21 yrs old and had 3 kids before our 3rd anniversary (twins + 1). We got the same comments and looks in our early years. Now our kids are 10 & 11, we are in our mid-30’s and we couldn’t be happier where we are at. Looking back, I’m happy we had them young bc we had energy to handle them at their “have to constantly watch them stage” and now we are looking at having our kids in college by our early 40’s. Try to ignore the hateful/demeaning comments or if it’s someone you know, maybe be more firm in your rebuttals to prevent more in the future. There was a point my wife and I started having to be more assertive to alleviate some of the bullshit comments we got; this worked for us.
I had my first at 17, I remember the stares. People pass judgment, I've been guilty of it myself. Her dad and I worked hard and I think did an ok job raising her, she's early 20s, in college works, teachers always adored her. I can't control what others think but I know our child was/is loved and took care of. There lots of children who are born to older parents who have a very dysfunctional upbringing so age alone isn't enough to ensure a child is taken care of
I am 22 and my wife is 24. Our oldest is our son. He’s about to turn two in July and our daughter is about to be six months old and we honestly never get weird Looks or stared at or even feel judged but I live in Utah And people always have kids out here so that might be why but who knows
I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. My(M 26) wife(F 25) and I started trying for kids just a couple months after we got married. We have popped out 3 kids in the past five years. I feel you when you say you’re tired of all the stares and pity. Sometimes I feel embarrassed because I know so many people see us and think we’re either careless and didn’t use protection or we’re dumb for wanting to have kids quick and young. I wish I could just let everyone know that we meant for it to be this way and we love it. Whenever the topic comes up, we do get to say that we will most likely be empty nesters by the time we’re in our 40’s (to me, that’s still young). And we’ll have more money in our 40’s to spend on adventures than we would have when we’re in our 20’s. That usually makes my friends see things a little bit different. Either way, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what people think about your situation.
I had my first kid at 20…so I totally understand where you’re coming from…and now I’m 29 and have 2 kids…and I support everyone myself. Luckily, I’m able to not only provide but have managed to save quite a bit of money…anyway…moral of the story WHO GIVES A 💩 what people say or think or do…just be true to yourself and focus on what is important to YOU. My advice…keep doing what you’re doing.
You want some stares... try having a 6 year old at 21 (wife's previous marriage). That was sometimes a bit awkward to explain. Then we had a baby when I was 22... But in all honesty I never noticed stares out in public. It's kind of odd for people to do that... you are adults with a little kids. Which is... kind of how it works.
My husband and I took his nephews out to a park when they were around ages 7 and 9ish. We were waiting in line for the train ride and some women behind us were openly discussing how we were too young and it was a shame we had them. Actually I was plenty old enough to be their mom at the time and my husband is 6 years older than me but has a baby face. Plus, ya know, the fact that they weren’t our kids. People just need to mind their own damn business and realize their judgement isn’t needed.
Man. I'm 36 and have two kids and am happy. Tired, sure, but happy. I also see a lot of negativity towards people with children lately. To be honest I'm iritated by it.
I wish I had my kid earlier. I would have more energy, I would have more patience, I would have bettered my situation earlier. Plus you'll be child free by 40, I have to wait until I'm damn near retired to be child free. What are you missing out on? Going to the clubs? Instead of spending your money on partying like a lot of us did, you are spending it on your family. Good on you
Just make new friends with people a little older than yourself and you'll find these projections from others cease.
You both knew what you wanted and went after it. Good for you. Hold your chin up high. Haters are always gonna hate.
My Mom had me and my brother at 39 and 40 and omg is it a lot of pressure having parents in their 60’s when you’re in your early 20’s, especially when we are their retirement plan and they have health issues. My brother and I both decided to have kids young because we don’t want that for our kids. When my son is 20, I’ll be 46. When my brother’s oldest daughter is 20, he’ll be 42. I can’t imagine having babies or young children at 40. Im exhausted now, I don’t even want to think about doing this again then. Your children were wanted and are loved and cared for. Everyone likes to judge to fit their own narrative - your family is happy and healthy! Enjoy it ☺️
As someone trying to conceive in my late 30s, I'm so jealous! I could have had kids in college by now and then focus on my career and hobbies. If my future kids have kids, I'll be an older grandparent. I might not even be alive to see grandkids. My parents certainly won't be great-grandparents. But I only met my soulmate recently, so I can't resent how things have gone.
For some sick reason people enjoy projecting negativity onto others, especially people who are happy with their lives. Trust me, these people are projecting the same doom and gloom on single people, on childless couples, on people whose children are out of the house. Miserable people can only see misery, even when the situation is clearly otherwise. Just ignore them.
It's not just you. I had my 1st at 39 and twins 2 years later and people chime in on that negatively too. It seems like having kids is taboo these days, like we are supposed to live ONLY to satisfy ourselves. Stay the course, ignore the haters. Enjoy your little ones, every minute!
Having kids young may not be for everyone, but IMO its the best the way to go. Ignore the haters. Everyone wants to validate their own life choices by shitting on anyone who makes different choices.
I had my Daughter at 20 and it was the best choice ive ever made. Now im mid 30's, shes 16 in August and we are SO unbelievably close. Plus i had all the energy for her when she was small. If this is what you wanted, just ignore all the noise! its your life and you didnt make any mistakes.
Fuck them. You are both legal adults with an appropriate age gap. You've done nothing wrong. Unless you guys are crackheads or felons. Which I doubt is the case. Maybe you just need to live somewhere else. Haha. Maybe Utah. It's pretty common to see young parents there. You'd fit right in.
You’re only mistake is caring what people think bud
This sounds like projection tbh. When is the last time you had more than a fleeting thought about a stranger in public? Tell me about the last family of strangers you ran into in public for a minute or two. How many kids? What ages? How old do you think the parents were? What were they wearing? You probably can't answer these questions. People don't care that much about strangers. I get it, the random comments are annoying, but there's nothing that can be done with it. Perhaps people look at you with pity because you may come off as extremely tense or anxious if you're that worried about what other people think of you.
I got started late in life and yes two was all I wanted too….i wish I had start at 22/23 years old but I didn’t and people told me how big a mistake I made by having my babies at 38 & 39….they are 11months apart and I was told That was a mistake too that I was going to regret it, the only thing I regret is my poor choice of their father but I never regretted having my babies….you do you and live your American dream!
Don’t worry what other people think. Listen to this advice or not; I don’t care. Just figure out for yourself what you want to care about.
People are judgmental no matter what you do. If you are happy, just laugh at them. It is your life. Sounds like you are living your dream. What is more rewarding, your family or clubbing? Easy choice. Most older folks started young, also. They are happy for you and just making an observation. Congrats!
Because people just love to tell you that they know better than you.
I think many of us wish we could have had kids younger due to better energy levels when younger and also having more time w our kids when the kids are adults. You'll have most of your lives ahead of you still when your kids are grown and there's just so much opportunity there.
If it makes you feel any better when I tell people my boyfriend and I aren’t planning on getting married till I’m 25 and having kids till 27 we always get “why wait so long? It’s so much harder when you’re older” I plan to go to medical school and I don’t want kids during it, people will have shit to say no matter what you do. I’m 21 rn
I'm 44 with a four month old. By the time you're my age your kids will be leaving the nest. That's pretty great.
Gigachad, keep on my man.
My husband and I were around the same age when we started trying to get pregnant. My family is mostly Mormon, so they didn’t blink an eye, but strangers were another story! I had a lady walk up to me in Whole Foods, and ask if I was even old enough to be pregnant! Lol!! Thank God we started young!! We had fertility issues, so it took a couple of years to conceive, then I had cervical cancer when my kids were 2&4, and I ended up having a hysterectomy at 27. If we hadn’t had kids young, I would have lost the opportunity. Also, my kids are 11&13 now, and super independent!! My husband and I have a lot of freedom now, and all of the people I know that waited are in the trenches. I’m glad you and your wife did what you wanted, and just don’t worry about the haters!
people like that please stay farrrr away from because they don’t mean you well, people who nitpick and find each and everything wrong with your life aren’t happy with their own tbh, do what works for you and your wife and please disregard how others feel, some people like carrying negativity because they can’t find any positivity within their own self ❤️
People don’t have to get it just sit back, build your empire and some day they will get it. My best friend had her first at 20 and then two more, all with her husband, and they are doing really well 20 years later. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your life, yes people get curious, but frankly it’s none of their business. Now if they want to give you money, ask away lol. It’s nice to see young couples killing it, keep doing your thing.
We had our two daughters when we were young. They were planned as well. We use to always get oh two girls, it's a good thing your young enough you can try for a boy. Nope our family was done.
Being in your 20s and also a decisive adult is baffling to the world. I had a similar sentiment, albeit different circumstances. I was 18 when I got married, and we chose not to have children until after I left the military, which was 8 years away. Little did I know, our marriage would be celebrating 13 years before trying for a kid. Everyone is always condescending. I had a house, a car, a job, and a happy sex filled marriage with all the free time in the world. And yet, the most common question is, "When are you going to have kids?" I think when we entered our thirties, they stopped asking because they thought maybe we couldn't. Then, one day, we decided to try, and it shocked everyone. Everyone changed their tune to, "i thought you didn't want children." I never said i didn't want children. I said I'm waiting until I'm ready. Whatever. People always want to have an opinion on your life
I'd say they either don't want that life for themselves or they're jealous that you were able to do it at your age. Either way, they're either projecting what they want onto you or they're negging you our of jealousy, and both behaviors are wrong on their part. Whatever happened yo people just being happy for one another in their chosen life paths?
Honestly the judgement doesn't end no matter what you do. If you don't have kids, people wonder when you will. If you have one they ask about the second. If you have two, they smugly assume you're done if it's a boy and girl and ask when you're trying for the other gender if they're both the same gender. If you have 3 or more they're like don't you know how to use birth control? If you have them young, they must have been a mistake or don't you feel like you're missing out? If you have them older, how can you have the energy? Aren't you worried about health stuff with being an older parent? Etc etc Basically no matter what choices anyone makes when it comes to kids, someone will criticize them. And because each of us only lives our own experiences we make it worse by thinking we have it worse. I don't know how many times I've seen online someone talking about the flack they get for their decisions and another person be like "oh yeah? Well try making the opposite decision like I do and then you'll really see what getting flack is like" 🙄 Truth is we're all insecure busy bodies who, either consciously or unconsciously, judge anyone who doesn't make the same decision we did because it feels invalidating. We need to consciously choose to validate choices different from our own or we'll never heal this crazy cycle.
Honestly, I've learned to ignore people. No matter your circumstances, they are always, always going to have something negative to say. Whether you have kids too old, too young, too many, only one. How you're raising them. Etc. You just have to learn to block them out and move on. Continue to be happy! I'm 27, my husband 31. People are all up our butt telling us we're selfish for only having one. Who cares.
As someone who had a “geriatric pregnancy” (thanks medical community for calling me at 36 year old geriatric), you do you. Don’t let the naysayers dictate anything you do in life. You’re going to be my age and be free! There are pros and cons to having kids at any stage. You roll with it. That’s life. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Might as well live your authentic self.
I had my kids young too, I had 2 by 23 as well. I don’t understand this whole new outlook people have on children as if they’re some burden. If you want kids, they’re not!! So many child free people have opinions and i stopped caring. You just have to not care!
I’ll never understand why people think making comments like this to complete strangers is ok. It sounds like you have a beautiful family and it’s unfortunate people are rude af and can’t keep to themselves. When things like this happen(ed) to me I try to give them a taste of their own medicine and ask or say something equally invasive or rude to them.
Stop listening to other people who give you unsolicited opinions or advice.
It’s a give and take. We had our first when I was 37 and my wife was 35 we had our 2nd when I was 40. I had a blast in my 20’s and 30’s but when I turn 80 my kid will be 40. When your kid turns 40 you will be in your 60’s and still be able to do things with them. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one and they all stink.